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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. I'm an alcoholic and my name is Stephanie.

>> Thank you so much for having me. I get all crazy, right? Um this is amazing.

The story about Bob. Amazing. Bob is here, man.

Um I've never done this before. step two. So, let's see what happens.

Right. Um, oh my god, I love Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm going to keep it to two, right?

So, I had came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity or came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And when I came, my dress has pockets. When uh when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, um I didn't understand what sanity was, right?

Alcoholism prevents me from seeing the truth and alcoholism prevents me from participating in the real world. And that happened for me long before I ever picked up alcohol. You know, I grew up in an alcoholic home.

My dad was an active alcoholic. My mother was an untreated Alanon. And so I had no idea what sanity was.

My dad would say on a Friday afternoon, "Amy, I got to go to the store." Right? And we know that's drunk speak for I'm going to get wasted. And so my mother, not understanding this disease, would say to him, "Take Stephanie with you." Right?

Thinking that if a 10-year-old child went with him, he wouldn't go to the club. He'd go to the store and come home. But my father was an alcoholic.

He was incapable of not drinking. He had the mental obsession. He had the phenomenon of craving once he took alcohol into his body.

And so we would end up down the vets or down the IIA or down the KSC. I still remember all the phone numbers for those places, right? And we would end up down there and I wasn't drinking.

I was 10, 11 years old. But already when I would walk into those places, they're like all maroon and they're dark and the floor is like sticky. Smells a little like vomit, right?

But that's like my place, man. I'm like, right. And so I'm like up at the bar.

I'm behind the bar. I'm making my own little Shirley Temple. I'm pulling the Lucky Sevens out of the fishbowl.

I have arrived, you know, and I haven't even picked up a drink yet, you know, and we would get home and it would be midnight, 1:00 in the morning and we had these stairs up our backst step and my mother would come around the corner and she'd look at us and her face, you know, she'd she'd have that first that look of shock and then that look of hate, disgust, and just you know, and she'd start throwing his dirty laundry down the stairs. Richard, I'm not doing this anymore. Who do you think you are?

She needs to be at school. Right. My father's at the bottom of the stairs and he's just like, "Amy, Amy, Amy." You know, and I'm folding his clothes.

I'm folding his clothes. Right? Because already, even though I hadn't had a sip of alcohol, I was incapable of seeing the truth.

Alcohol prevented me from seeing the truth. And what I saw was I saw this shrew at the top of the stairs, right? I'm just like, hey, we're just having a good time here, right?

I'm like, I do not want to be like her. And I grew up just like him, you know? And all I saw was a guy just trying to have a good time.

Alcohol prevented me from seeing the truth. I couldn't see the fact that he had just driven drunk with me in the car. He could have killed us both.

I couldn't see that he had just drank and gambled away the mortgage again. And I definitely could not see that my father was incapable of being present physically or emotionally for my mother. I had no idea what that meant.

I had no idea what sanity was. I grew up in that house where the Christmas tree was getting thrown out the window. You know, like that was my house and I had no idea what sanity was.

You know, fast forward a few years, my mother has found Alanon. This did not provide me with sanity. Um, but it provided her with a whole heck of a lot of slogans, right?

And I can make choices. I can make healthy choices today. And uh like, yeah, why don't you make me a sandwich?

Go choose to do that. And uh she went she went to an Allen on and it was like her and all my friends cuz my friends my dad my alcoholic life was the only normal one even before it was me drinking, right? So we would be at all these little school functions and it was like whose dad's going to show up wasted?

you know, whose father's going to run on the soccer field drunk? Like, who's going to, you know, whatever. That was the craziness of my life.

And all the little moms found Allenon together. So, they were like this little gang in recovery. And so, one weekend they're like, "Yeah, we're going to an Alenon convention.

We can make healthy choices, right?" And what that meant was that they left us home with the drunk dads, right? So, my dad is all like, "Here's 20 bucks, you know, don't tell your mother, see you on Sunday." I'm like, "Make it 25 and we're good." You know, cuz I'm always on the hustle. I am always on the hustle, right?

I can walk into a room, I can assess it. I know exactly who I need to see, what I need to say to get what I want, you know? So, on the hustle.

I am so good at survival. I have no clue how to live, you know. And so, my mother goes off to the Allenon convention and I figure I'm going to go figure out what this alcohol thing is all about.

And I had certainly drank before, you know, we drank. We stole Michelobes from my dad and drank them through straws and made out with boys at the at the little junior high dances. And I was kind of a radical like that.

But that night I was really going to get one on. And so we went to this girl Sharon's house and we took out a blender and we went into the liquor cabinet. I'm I'm from just north of Boston.

I'm Irish. I'm Catholic. Our big things are we don't get pregnant.

We don't talk about it and we don't get caught. So we took out the blender and we're putting just a couple little shots of everything in cuz you can't get caught. And we're idiots, right?

Cuz we're maybe 13 years old. And so we're putting all the mixes in and all that kind of stuff cuz got no idea what alcohol is and what's not. It's got gin and schnops and vodka and that lime lur.

I can remember the green lime lur, right? All that stuff goes in. We added two scoops of Nestle's quick and we mix it up, right?

Legit. Legit. And the thing is, y'all are going to understand this cuz you're my people.

But so we mix it all up. Nestle's Quick actually doesn't dissolve in alcohol because of the consistency or whatever, right? I can feel it like in my teeth when I tell this story.

And so basically what it was was it was this brown liquid with this brown powder on top, right? And I drank it. And I drank it.

And for alcoholics like me, I believe we have like an alcohol chakra that's right at the core of our being, right? And when just enough booze, it's that chakra, man. It's like bam.

This is how I feel in alcohol, right? I feel like you either want to be me or you want to be me. I look like Cindy Crawford.

I can dance like Janet Jackson. I am so funny. I am so amazing.

You know, alcohol restored me to sanity. Alcohol made it so that I felt okay in the world. Alcohol prevented me from seeing the truth, you know.

And I drank that boo that blender full of yum. Like, woo. Drank it up.

And already the consequences started happening. You know, we got in trouble. It was the first summer I was grounded.

I was grounded every summer until my mother kicked me out when I was 16. You know, because my alcoholism made her life unmanageable. So, fast forward a few more years cuz I need to come to believe obviously because the only thing I'm coming to are a lot of porcelain toilets and puking and it's just not good, right?

And at the end of my drink and for me what happened was, you know, I took a lot of hostages. I took a lot of men because for me alcohol is but a symptom. Alcohol is a is a symptom of an underlying condition and an underlying disease.

And I've got that disease and it's a soul sickness. It's a spiritual malady, you know, and I had that and I couldn't look at me and I couldn't ever look to see how I felt or I had no idea how I felt. And so I took this poor guy hostage and I told him cuz I had been hearing my mother's Allen on, you know, by now she's chasing me around with 44 questions putting big books on the toilet.

Have you had enough yet? Like no, make me a sandwich, you know? Give me some money.

I'm unemployable. But so I took this poor guy hostage and I told him that he was an alcoholic. you know, I'm like, "You're an alcoholic and you need to get help or I'm gonna break up with you." And he's just like, "See you." I was psycho.

Um, but eventually he called because I get into really healthy relationships and uh eventually he called and he said, "You're right. I can't live without you. Please, I'll do anything." And to me, that's like a fifth of vodka.

That is like a fifth of vodka. It feels so good. And so I came to Alcoholics Anonymous with him.

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous for him. and the grace of God entered my life. Because the thing is, God is amazing.

God is huge. And God knew that I could never come here for me. God knew that I couldn't see that my drinking was a problem, which was ridiculous, but I couldn't.

But God knew that I would come for someone else. And God knew that I was crazy, right? And and I had no idea what sanity was when I got here.

And I sat in these rooms with him. And I and I and I would say to him, "Sweetheart, he should be your sponsor. You have those same character defects." You know, "Oh, honey, this is what you owe me amends for." And he'd just be like, "It's ridiculous.

I was so insane. This disease had infiltrated the core of my essence so much that he stopped coming to meetings. And I kept coming to meetings." And I sat there and I had my big book and I was reading and I was highlighting because I was going to get him well.

because I believed that if only he got better, I could be okay. I had no idea. Alcohol prevented me from seeing the truth that I was in charge of my own life.

Prevented me, you know. And so I sat there and I highlighted and I read and I did everything for him because I just wanted him to get better so I could be okay. And I couldn't see the insanity of that.

And God is so good. God is so gentle. God is so kind that she allowed me to do that.

>> Yeah. We'll get there. Oh, yeah.

And so when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was 23 years old and and uh you know, I was there were I I went to AA in my hometown. So I go into the rooms and there were all the guys that my dad drank with. They're all the guys from the vets and the IIA and everything else.

I know all these guys. I'm like, "Hey." And they're all looking at me like, "Oh, Stephanie, are you here with your dad?" And they're looking over my head and I'm like, "Nope." You know, and those men, God, those men took me and tried to keep me safe, right? But where it says in the promises we lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows, I didn't really lose interest in selfish things and I gained interest in AA fellows one at a time, right?

Like that's what I did. And they tried like they tried to put me up front. Don't talk to the boys.

I'm like, like, you're old. You're like 40. Like, please, I've got this.

Don't you know I'm in community college, okay? But those men kept me safe because I couldn't see the insanity that was my life, you know? And so when I came here, I could I didn't even believe that I was an alcoholic or that my life was unmanageable.

So why would I ever need to come to believe that a power greater than myself and what really could that be? A power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I'm not crazy.

It's y'all. You know, if you all would do what I said, if you all would behave the way I knew you should, then everything would be okay. You know, but I didn't know because God prevented me from seeing the truth at that point.

God put me lovingly in your hands and then made me stupid as Thank God. You know, and I can sit here and I was looking at step two and all this cuz I'm all nervous about what am I going to say? Am I going to look stupid?

Blah blah blah. And I'm rereading step two about the intellectually self-sufficient and all these different types of alcoholics and all these reasons why we don't have faith. And I could tell you all of these crazy stories about the way that I am these things.

I mean, my God is so good. Get this. So, it says that we we resign from the debating society, right?

When we get sober, we resign from the debating society. I didn't. I got a PhD in argument, right?

Like that's my God is like, you're not gonna not do that. You're gonna do the exact opposite, right? But I could sit here and I could tell you all these funny stories about the crazy things and the crazy ways that I judged other people.

But the bottom line is that when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I did all of that self-righteous judging and I did all of those things to push you away, I did it because I was afraid. I was so afraid when I came here and I saw y'all and I saw all the women and I didn't like women. Sometimes with enough drinks I did.

But most of the time I did not like women. You know, I knew how you were. You wanted my man.

Now granted, he didn't have a car. He didn't have a job. And he didn't have very many teeth.

But he was mine. So back off, you know, I did not like women. And I certainly wasn't going to trust them, you know.

Hold on. Crazy. So, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, they told me I had to trust and and God lovingly put me in your hands and made me stupid.

Thank God made me stupid. And I just wanted you to like me. I just wanted you to like me.

And I saw all these women and they're all matchy matchy and they look like they're showering, which is way above my pay grade at this point. And I'm just like, what is going on? And I but I saw them and they would look me in the face and they would say, "How are you, Stephanie?

I'm fine." You know, and I was just so bristly and I just wanted it. I wanted it. Oh my god.

I wanted it, but I didn't dare want it because every single time I wanted everything, anything. Every single time I said I was going to do something, every single time I came into that house and stood at the bottom of those stairs, my mother would come around the corner and look at me with that face, that face of disgust, that face of hate because alcohol was lying to me. Alcoholism prevented me from seeing the truth.

Alcoholism prevented me from seeing the fact that my mother didn't hate me. My mother was afraid that her baby was going to die. And I couldn't see that.

I couldn't handle the truth. And so when I came here and all of these women are trying to be nice to me, I couldn't handle it, you know, and there used to be this guy, George. Oh my god, George.

I haven't thought about George in a long time. There was this guy, George. And I would come into these meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I would have my head down because I just couldn't. I wanted it. I was listening.

I was doing the things you said. I would go home and I would get on my knees and I was copying the big book 449 word for word cuz I didn't know what else to do. My head was just racing and I couldn't make it stop.

And I was terrified to drink. And I would come into this meeting and George would be sitting there and he'd be like, "Here comes the prettiest little girl in AA." And I wanted to be the prettiest little girl in AA so bad. And the fact that he remembered who I was and the fact that he always had a seat for me, I was like, "Oh my god, can I have this?" But I didn't believe.

I did actually. I did believe that God could restore me to sanity. I didn't believe that God would.

I didn't believe that I was worthy and I didn't believe that God really took much of an interest in me. When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had been Catholic. My God had a clipboard.

My God had a list of sins, deadly sins. I was checking those things off like nobody's business. I'm like, woo.

You know, and so when I got here, I didn't believe that God would restore me to sanity. God was restoring you all to sanity because you were sick. I was bad, you know.

and I couldn't see it. And so I got a sponsor, right? Because they told me to do that.

They said, "Find someone who has what you want and be willing to do what they do. God with skin, you know?" And so I got this I got this woman because she had a wicked hot husband and a really nice car and she had nice clothes and I'm like, "That's what I want." Pretty sure I said some inappropriate things to her husband cuz that's how I behaved back in the day, you know. Um, but God was there and God was there and God took the woman with the Mercedes and put her in my life knowing what a shallow materialistic psycho I was and made sure she had a program, you know.

And so I got with that woman and we started going through the first 164 pages of the book and she helped me to come to believe. And I believe today that it is a sponsor's job to simply take the hand of those that they sponsor and put it in the hand of God. And I have done this peace meal like not even close to perfect.

And even still now I will have my hand out. My God, I love God. But then you put something in my way or you make me afraid.

I have so much fear still and I pull my hand back, you know, and I get defensive and my sponsor is always there with absolutely brutal unconditional love and lack of judgment and puts my hand back, you know. So, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and we started to do this and when we got to the second step, she said, "Why don't you tell me about your god?" Right? I'm like, "I don't want to talk about my mother had been a nun for God's sakes." Right.

Yeah. It's crazy. Um, so she said, "Why don't you tell me about your God?" And I was still so afraid.

I was so afraid to commit publicly to this program. I was so afraid to have you look at me like you liked me and then disappoint you cuz that's what I do. And so I was pushing people away and y'all would be like, "Oh, let us love you until you can love yourself." You know, I'd make masturbation jokes like at open meetings on purpose because I needed you away.

I needed you away. And so when this woman said to me, "Tell me about your God." I said, "My God's a lesbian cheerleader." Right? Cuz what I wanted was I wanted her to say, "No, no, no.

You can't do that. You need to find Jesus. No, no, no.

You can't do that. This is what God is. No, no, no.

You can't believe that. You need to go." you know, and God was there. And she just said to me, "Okay, pray to her." I'm like, "What?

What?" And so then the real work began, right? And I had to come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. And this program is not for people who need it and it's not for people who want it.

It's for people who do it, you know? And I get right thinking through right action. And I need action and more action.

The book tells me that, you know, and so when I got sober, I had no idea. I had no idea what sanity was. And I certainly had no idea to be a woman of dignity and grace.

And I wasn't quite sure that I wanted to be one of those. They sounded a little boring. I'm not a woman of dignity and grace.

I'm a potty girl, thank you very much. And this is the way that I like it. You know, because I didn't know me.

I couldn't see. Into me. Into me.

I see. into me I see intimacy you know I couldn't see into me I couldn't stand to look but fundamental down deep inside of every man woman and child is the idea of God you know and so that's what I needed to do I needed to look in because what I did I worshiped so much stuff I worship stuff I worship people I worship things I worshiped everything out there you know I was incapable of loving what was in here I was incapable of even looking because I was so afraid that if I looked, I would see I would see that little piece that made it so that I really was that sociopath. I really was that fundamentally unfixable, unlovable, constitutionally incapable person who couldn't stay here, you know, but I began to do what people told me to do because I didn't know what else to do and because God is good, you know.

And so the first thing that I started to do was I started to make my bed. My woman, my sponsor said to me, you know, as a woman of dignity and grace, you make your bed. And I know this might be surprising, but I was a little promiscuous when I drank.

I know. I kissed a boy and a girl. No.

Yeah. Seriously. Like, you know, it was a mess because I just wanted to feel that love, you know, and I thought that's what love was.

Incorrect. You know, the disease of alcoholism prevented me from seeing the truth about what true intimacy was. You know, true intimacy for me then was if I went on a date, I brought my toothbrush cuz if I liked him, I got to get in on that.

You know, if you're laughing, we can talk after. So, I started making my bed because today I'm a woman of dignity and grace and deliberateness, you know, because today I don't always make the best choices, particularly when it comes to relationships. Sher.

Um, but today they're my choices because today I have to work in those steps. I do have all those principles. You know, I do have a set of standards that I have for myself.

And coming to believe, I was thinking about, you know, how did I come to believe? And the way that I came to believe was God g a group of drunks. People like George telling me that I was the prettiest little girl in AA.

You know, people like my sponsor who would tell me that no matter what, whenever you find a person, place, or thing unacceptable, it's a spiritual axiom, there's something wrong with you. Not me. You know, I lived in Alcoholics Anonymous for a whole bunch of years just trying to prove her wrong on that one, you know, and I couldn't, you know, and I started doing the little things that we're supposed to be doing and seeing God.

I started looking to see how the universe was conspiring for me instead of against me, you know? And I started like I was going to uh I was going to school. I was driving my sponsor crazy basically.

I was showing up at her house every day and I'm like, "Hey, what are we doing?" She's like, "I'm going grocery shopping." I'm like, "Okay." you know, cuz I was so afraid to be alone. I was so afraid to drink. I hadn't worked the steps.

I hadn't had a spiritual experience. So, I had nothing, like Chris talked about, I had nothing between me and that first drink, you know, there was no power on earth that was going to keep me away from it. So, I was just going to be right with her, you know.

And finally, she said to me, Stephanie, why don't you take a class or something? You know, like, okay, whatever you want, people pleaser. You know, sometimes our defects of character can get us over some rough spots.

Uh, so I was going to school and I'm and I'm doing all that kind of stuff, you know? I'm coming to women's meetings, which I didn't like. I didn't even understand why you would go to a women's meeting.

There are no men there, right? Like why? Like seriously, it's kind of like non-alcoholic beer.

I just can't get my head around it. I just don't just don't. Um, but I started doing the things.

I started doing the deal. I picked up I picked up ashtrays. I picked up chairs.

I sat down chairs. And I started seeing how the universe was conspiring for me. And I was in graduate school.

Um, and this, you know, my uh coming to believe continues today, right? Like I just can't even. I just can't even.

So, I'm in graduate school and I'm probably four or five four or five years sober and I'm still coming to believe. And uh and I got a letter from the IRS saying that I had made a mistake on my taxes back in the day and they actually owed me $278. Like what?

Like sobriety, right? Yeah. Now, meanwhile, I have no absolutely no ability to not spend money as soon as it touches my hands, right?

because I'm in still early recovery. I I mean, I'm 25 years sober and I think I'm still in early recovery. I am not in any danger of getting well anytime soon.

Um but so I get this check for $278, but now I'm principled, you know, now I'm going to trust God with my finances. And so I put it in the bank, you know, for about three days. Um but within those three days, what happens is my dad calls me and he tells me that my mother's had a heart attack and I need to come home and we don't have any money.

You know, I'm first generation to college. We got nothing. But that plane ticket, $275.

You know, that's God. And then when I got there to take care of my mother, what this program allowed me to do was not make it about me. I came to believe in sanity.

I could see that the sanity of the situation was that my mother was scared. That my father's an idiot. I mean, I love him.

Idiot, right? and that what my mother would like are clean sheets and some flowers in her room when she got out of the hospital and I didn't have to make a big production out of it. I didn't have to tell everyone about it.

I could just do it because to fit myself of max to be of maximum service is my only purpose today. That's it. If I think my purpose is anything else, it's my will.

You know, it's not me relying on God. It's not me believing that God can restore me to sanity. It's me living in the insanity of thinking I have any idea what to do because I don't, you know, and so I did that.

I took care of my mom, you know, and this program has afforded me so many opportunities to see the God instances in my life, to see the way that the universe conspires for me all the time. Like the amount of gratitude, the amount of stuff, the amount of love, the amount of God that I have today is indescribable. Indescribable.

I would gladly give you all all I have. I mean, that's what the book tells me I need to do. What I have is an unlimited loan.

As long as I insist on giving away all of the profits, not just some. Half measures don't avail me half because some days I'd be okay with half. Half measures avail.

I need to give away all of the profits, you know, but God is good because I can't do that because Oh, wait. And it's not because I'm an alcoholic. It's not because I don't work a good enough program.

It's because I'm human. I am perfectly imperfect and human. And as soon as I was okay with that, which is still not every day all day, but when I'm okay with that, my life is huge because my God is huge, you know.

And so coming to believe has been this super gradual super slow process. And I know like with sponsorship right like I consider my sponsor my god with skin like oh my god if I can be half the woman I my sponsor is to me to my girls I'm doing awesome like she is amazing and I get that she's human. And I don't think that we need to like, you know, be sponsor dependent.

And if anything happened to her, I would be okay because my program and my God is huge, you know, but she's one woman who knows all my stuff, which means I don't have to bring it into meetings because, no offense, y'all ain't in danger of getting well anytime soon either, right? But my sponsor has been that person for me. That person who has helped me um retrieve and figure out what sanity is because I had no idea like seriously when I was starting to date in Alcoholics Anonymous, like dating sober, having sex sober, all of those things way beyond me, right?

And I would be like, I'm going to go on a date and oh my god, and I'm already talking. I'm buying Brad's magazines. I'm and my sponsor would be like, "Dude, why don't you just go to coffee, have him drop you off in an hour, and call me?" And I'm like, "Oh, okay." You know, is that what you do?

But wait, he hasn't proposed. Like, how am I supposed to end the interaction? How do I know he's going to come back?

And she said to me, "Maybe you don't want him to come back." What? You drunk, right? What do you mean I don't want him to come back into me?

I see intimacy. You know, when I came around here and I got over and and worked through a lot of that stuff about my sexual promiscuity and my sexual conduct and I realized the way that I was violating my own principles, I began to see that I was worthy. I began to believe that I was worthy.

And when I believe that I am worthy, I know that God is there. like I know God. And so what I used to do with this woman in for a long time into sobriety, right?

Because I was still I still I'm human. I would get into these things, right? Oftentimes they involved men.

And I would get into these situations and you know, life would go crazy. Principles out the window, no steps, dry drunk. But then I would realize I would get into enough pain as the spiritual touchstone of all growth, right?

I would get into enough pain that I would be like, "Okay, I got this." you know, and I would start praying and I would start writing and I would start looking and helping others and reaching out, right? Trust God, clean house, help others. Bam, I got the deal.

And I would start doing those things and I would start to feel okay. And I would start to believe that, okay, I could be okay in here. Then I'd call my sponsor, right?

I'd be like, "Hey, I know we haven't talked in a few days. Yeah, some things were kind of crazy, but this is what happened and this is what I'm doing and I'm okay. Thank you very much." You know, because I still had that fear.

I still had that fear that if I allowed that woman into my process as it was unfolding that peace would come out you know that thing would be discovered that makes me incurable you know today I don't do that you know today God has restored me to sanity today I understand that anything that I see is simply fear false evidence appearing real like it's not real also when I was in in recovery and and in sobriety. After a few years, of course, I went to a meeting. I spoke in a meeting.

I was probably three or four years sober. I spoke at a meeting and there was a super cute guy in the room and we had eye contact. You know that eye contact that you have with people when you just know and I knew we had that eye contact.

And so after the meeting, of course, he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. And uh we got married and um we did. We really did.

George, his name was George, too. and my son's name is George. It's crazy.

It It's not crazy. It's God. It's crazy how quickly I can forget.

So, um, you know, George followed me to Kansas while I was getting my PhD and and then we came back and we were going to get married. We did get married, but so the night before the wedding, of course, he's in recovery. I'm in recovery.

All my bridesmaids are in recovery. My father's quit drinking by now. My sister's in recovery.

My niece is in recovery. Everybody's in recovery. So, we go to a meeting the night before the wedding.

So, we party hard. So, we go to this meeting and uh George, my George is chairing the meeting. Old George, right?

Old George is chairing the meeting. So, I go up to George and I'm probably seven or eight years so by now. And I go up to George and I hug him.

I'm like, "Hey, George. How you doing? What are you doing?" Like, "I'm getting a PhD.

Do you believe this? Oh my god, it's crazy. God is hug hug hug hug.

How's your wife?" "Yeah, love. Sit down." you know, just the kind of regular thing. And when I'm sitting there, this little girl comes in.

She's brand new. You can tell she's, you know, she looks a mess. She thinks she's got her together.

She totally doesn't. She's looking down, you know. And George goes up to her and says, "Hey, here comes the prettiest little girl in AA." And God had restored me to sanity because that day I didn't feel jealous.

I didn't feel at all envious. I didn't need, want, or was the prettiest little girl in AA anymore. Today, I'm a woman of dignity and grace and deliberateness.

And today, other people's opinions of me don't matter because today I have God. You know, you all have my solution. Without a doubt, you have a solution in those first 164 pages that are absolutely divinely inspired.

You don't have any of my answers. God has my answers. And if I want my answers, I need to look down.

I need to look into me because that's where God is, you know. And in the last five years, in the last five years, what the hell? Hold on.

Okay, we're good. I'm just like, whatever. In the last five years, I didn't I didn't think this would ever happen.

I can't believe I'm going to talk about this. Here we go. Okay.

Um, when I was probably 18 or 19 years sober, um, I got involved with someone who was new, a newcomer guy. We're not supposed to do that. There are reasons why we're not supposed to do that.

Um, but I did, you know, I was the exception. It was okay. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Um, and I came home one day and he was shooting up in my bathroom. You know, obviously I gotten divorced from George. George and I got very amically div amicably divorced.

We have these two kids who are now 13 and 15 who absolutely positively are our world. George is one of my best friends and biggest advocates and it's incredible. He's I still don't want to be married to him, but I came home and uh he's shooting up in my bathroom.

This is not this is not sane, you know. This is not sane behavior. He's in my house with my kids.

I'm a tenure professor. I'm almost 20 years sober. I sponsor half of my town.

You know, God was there. God was there and God there was a lot of pain. But the thing is that today I'm a woman of dignity and grace and deliberateness and I walked through that and I got my answers and I did what I needed to do when I needed to do it with God's help and I came to believe, you know, because I couldn't see the insanity.

I was incapable of seeing because this is a spiritual malady and just because I put down the drink does not mean I got cured, you know. And I had a lot of stuff going on at that point. A lot of stuff.

God. But God was there and I could share with my sponsor and I could be honest and I didn't have to be ashamed, right? Because shame and guilt, that's the stuff that's going to get me drunk.

That's the stuff that's going to make me isolate and keep me away from you. And I can't. So I will come here every day and tell you, yeah, left to my own devices, I am a dirty little cocore and I have done some bad things in sobriety, you know, because that's my truth.

And today I trust I trust God because I know that God is unlimited, you know. So eventually that guy got out of my life. And the way that he got out of my life, my God is so sneaky.

She's funny, this little God of mine. I was coming up on a sbatical because I'm this tenure professor, which means I get every seventh year off paid, which is just ridiculous. Um, so I'm getting I'm getting ready to go on sbatical and I have all these really big plans about what I'm going to do and and how I'm going to travel and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that and uh my dad had cancer and it came back.

Yeah. And my mother's 410 and my father's 6'2 and my mother couldn't pick up. He was falling down all the time and he was sick and she couldn't take care of him.

and we met at Thanksgiving and and we said, "Dad, what do you want to do?" And he said, "All I want to do is come home." Right? So, I called my ex-husband and I said, "Dude, my dad's cancer's back." He said, "I got the kids. Don't even worry about it." And I moved home, you know, I moved back to Massachusetts and I helped take care of my dad and I drove back and forth a lot while I was taking care of my dad.

I was in charge of the morphine and all the funny little drugs that you get when you're on hospice. Me. me left to my own devices if I was drinking and using I absolutely positively would have done my dad's drugs.

I have no illusions about who I am when I am incapable of seeing God and seeing the truth. But because of God's grace and because I have kind of been restored to sanity, because of that, when I came home with a pizza from my mother and she started screaming at me because it was pepperoni and not sausage and doesn't she know pepperoni gives her heartburn and what am I thinking? And oh my gosh, how much money was that?

And she's not going to be able to afford it and who's going to pay for all this? I didn't get at all defensive. I knew it wasn't about the pizza.

God allowed me to see the truth. God allowed me to see the truth that this woman was losing the man that she had been married to for 48 years. And granted, she couldn't stand him a lot of the time.

I mean, we put the fun in dysfunctional at my house, right? But he was hers and she was going to be alone. And she had never been alone.

And so when she started screaming at me, I said, "You want me to go get another pizza?" And she just started balling. And I hugged her, you know, and we took care of my dad while my dad was dying. And it was absolutely positively the most spiritual awesome experience of my life.

And that was another way that God showed me that I don't know the truth because I had always projected in my head, "Oh my God, if anything like that happened, I could never do that. I could never I would freak out. I would do this.

I would do that. I have no idea what I'm capable of with God because I'm capable of anything with God. So, one of the last things that my dad said to me, one of the last things my dad had to say to me was, "Don't you ever get back with him." That guy shooting up in my bathroom.

That guy who was in and out. that guy who had a credit card attached to my account. That guy.

Yeah. Because we go deep and I was doing Allenon and AA, you know. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

Well, obviously not, you know, but I was incapable. I was incapable of seeing the truth. And I still had that whole piece of I just want to be loved.

And I believed that somehow if I saved that man, if I gave that man, like people in recovery in my home in my home state are all like, "Stephanie, you're awesome in recovery. You're queen. You're a goddess." And I thought that somehow if I could give that to him, if I ego, oh, if I could make him love me, if I could get him sober, he'd be obligated and he would never leave me.

Finally, I would make someone love me enough. 20 years sober, right? That's the truth.

That's the truth of who I am. Because today I can look into me and I can see because I know right beside all that fear, right beside that little girl who is coming into AA and who just wants to be loved is God. So that week on Valentine's Day, of course, which was me and I won't use the word that I call him.

We're wrapping him in love and light and giving him to God. Really? Like legit.

Like legit. It was crazy selfish of me to continue to demand that that man try to be what I needed. He's not in my league.

You know, I do. I deserve someone who is smart and who is sober and who is spiritual and who has principles. He was incapable of that.

Crazy selfish of me to keep demanding it of him because he wanted to do it for me. He couldn't. So that year on Valentine's Day, of course that was our anniversary because that's the kind of guy he was.

Big gestures. Uh my dad died on Valentine's Day. My dad took that day away from him and gave it back to me.

How can I not believe that there is God? How can I not believe that God has put me in the palm of her hand? How can I not believe, you know?

And today, because of Alcoholics Anonymous, because of the steps, because of amazing loving sponsorship where all that woman ever tells me to do is pray and write all the time. I'll be like, "Oh my god." She's like, "Did you pray?" "Yes, I pray." "Did you write?" "Yes, I wrote." Well, maybe you should pray, right? Because today, because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have come to believe I have come to know that God has restored me to exactly the amount of sanity that I need to have.

You know, I am never going to be perfect. I am so good with that. That is so freeing.

The pressure is off. Bam. This is what you get.

You know, you come to my school, this is what you get. We go alpha nachos, this is what you get. You come hand me an AA, this is what you get.

And this is perfect. Perfect. Because God is so freaking huge.

I just love God. I love AA. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous has taken this girl, this girl, this little scared girl, and made her into a spiritual warrior.

There is nothing I can't do. There is nowhere I won't go to help another alcoholic. It's the truth.

It is absolutely the truth, you know. And so today when I get up, what I do is I get down on my well, first thing I do is I make my bed even in the hotel because I am a woman of dignity and grace and deliberateness. and I have been deliberately single for three years now.

Okay, there was a little slip. Whatever. Progress, not perfection.

And I have done that intimacy thing, you know, I have looked into me and I have seen what it is that God aspires for me because the thing is the good is the enemy of the great, right? The good is the enemy of the great. And the thing is that God has amazing things planned for all of us and for me.

And I falter and I think I can't possibly. And God's like, you're going to, you know, and so I can either go willingly or I can just claw in and drag, but I can't not be amazing. What?

It's crazy. So today when I get up, I make my bed and then I get down on my knees and I get down on my knees and I ask God to keep me sober for one day because God has restored me to sanity and I try to be of service and all I do is I come here self-centered alcoholic that I am and I tell you about my experience and somehow we get better. Like tell me that can't be God, you know?

Ah. So, if you're struggling or if you don't have a God that's not working for you, if your God is at all judgy or yucky or doesn't wear a super hot plaid skirt, just use mine, right? Because God is amazing.

And that's why I came to believe. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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