welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker wow my name is Zach I’m an alcoholic my sobriety date is July 11th 208 my home group is neck Breakers we meet on Monday nights on 1941 dolphine Street that’s the corner of doine and turo there’s a parking lot there we do a lot of exciting things we have two 10-minute speakers a coffee break and then an basket basket on uh I think June 26th is that a Monday June 26th the last Monday of the month anyway we’re having uh a speak and meet and this is something I learned from my sponsor is once you become a part of a group whatever the group decides you support that regardless of what you may or may not think that’s somewhat difficult for me sometimes I uh I I I I I come back to the GR group and they tell me we’re having a chili cookoff in June I come from Iowa we don’t even eat chili in Iowa in June but it’s uh you know this is going to be great so please come bring chili from your home group make the best Chile I challenge you right now be there June 26th um that was that was very kind I love Brian when I when I first met him um my God he uh things things happen in Alcoholics Anonymous where you’re sitting across a room and you’re telling your story and some guy’s nodding and then you see him slowly approaching you and you think oh God this guy’s going to ask me to sponsor him and he did he told me he was a professional snowboarder that he had a college scholarship to play baseball and I believe that he was Wiccan which there’s nothing wrong with being Wiccan it’s a beautiful religion do what’s right do what’s next but he wasn’t Wiccan he just had a Wiccan ring and we’d start reading the big book together and we’d start talking and he he really wanted to teach me all the things that he knew about life and about spiritual experiences and generally as most of you you know before we get here our spiritual experiences come through LSD or mushrooms he had he had a lot of beautiful ideas and really I would have bet you uh dollars to Donuts he was not going to stay sober I just probably people here can tell you they would have bet you I wasn’t going to stay sober but what I did is I showed up every week at that Treatment Center because somebody did that for me and I met with this guy and it was surprising because what happened is he started doing all the stuff in the big book and I I saw his life change I saw this guy who his plan when he went to treatment was to steal his dad’s car while his dad was talking to the counselor and drive back to Ohio that’s a 16-hour drive this was the best the kid had he was a degenerate he stole his dad’s refrigerator and then lied about it you can’t that’s hard to get away with so here’s this guy with no hope who’s who’s going through all this stuff and and I he’s doing it and I see him changing and and I did something in the beginning that really got me hooked up and got me to where I love my sponsor and I think he loves me and what it was is we’d do a nightly inventory and this is after going through the few steps and uh write down these questions from page 86 and Brian was doing that every night and what started happening is I’d feel guilty when I wasn’t doing mine and I think how that’s how this thing works you know and then I see this guy who have told you about his best plans get into a relationship I think that’s not going to work and then I see him have a child and I think that’s not going to work and then I’m at the hospital and this little baby is steaming in my hands and I’ve been able to see him be a father and be an amazing you know man to his woman through alcoholic synonymous through the same stuff somebody else told me because before I got here my problem was not necessarily that I thought Alcoholics Anonymous was stupid or I thought the book was dumb or you all were idiots which I did but my biggest problem was that I didn’t write it myself that I didn’t come up with it because all my life I considered myself a smart guy growing up I I grew up in Iowa and I I I was one of those guys who I needed to know everything and if you asked me about something and I didn’t know it I lied about it I couldn’t let you know that I was afraid I couldn’t let you know that I didn’t know something because what would you think of me so I had to prove myself and the way you prove yourself when you’re in Iowa that day in time as you fight you don’t show your feelings you don’t talk about any of that when I was 13 years old I was at my friend Jeff wit’s house we found some lime flavored vodka in Mountain Dew and we had some Iron Maiden and it was just the two of us oh man have you ever seen lime flavored vodka and Mountain Dew on your shirt combined with the other things that you’ve eaten I mean both of us we had it on our shirt and I had a blast and it was it was a beautiful thing I I love getting drunk I’m not here because I don’t like getting drunk I’m here because I got to a place where I didn’t like being sober ever I woke up every morning and I thought I can’t do this anymore this is horrible I’m living in another country I’ve gotten fired from all the jobs and I just can’t do this anymore yet your ideas didn’t work so I I get drunk for that time and I didn’t get drunk regularly but I did whenever I could whenever I could get it on Monday morning in school I was thinking about how are we going to get booze on on Friday night on Friday night I was getting as much as I could and I was the guy by The Keg pumping The Keg not because I was uh altruistic because I wanted to make sure when that keg started bobbing that we passed around the hat and got more and I didn’t know that was alcoholism all I knew is that was me having fun and it was a lot of fun and it took away all those cares and worries and it made everything all right I got to touch Melissa’s butt you know I didn’t Melissa would never let me touch her butt without alcohol and it was magic for her and it was magic for me and it was absolutely beautiful and I couldn’t get enough of it and then on Monday I’d say Melissa do you remember when we were out by that Creek and she’d say let’s not talk about that so it was this magic Elixir and I got drunk and I I went to I went to uh college and I wanted to play football and I was 17 years old and I was the big shot like the gentleman talked about last night I was the big shot who all of a sudden I wasn’t the big shot anymore I was just that new guy and I drank myself out of that school I went and followed around bands I uh thought I was on a search I thought I was Bohemian which van said means you don’t shower and you sleep sleep on your couch of friends and so I left there and I I I mean I I I was still having fun don’t get me wrong I was I was having a blast I I I got to uh do a lot of things I got to see a lot of bands and I I went back to that school though I was in Omaha Nebraska weighing about 150 lbs cuz I found this magical stuff that helped me to drink without blacking out and a friend of mine looked at me that I’d grown up with and said what has happened to you you used to be strong you used to be excited you look like you haven’t slept in 3 days you look like and it hurt me here’s my friend telling me this you don’t we don’t talk about these things we talk about chicks and football in Iowa maybe wrestling unless you’re not good at wrestling then you never talk about wrestling and he was he was opening up to me and it it hurt it it struck a wound and so I went back to school and I worked out all that spring semester and I got pretty damn big and I was a starting member of the football team the next uh in the fall and what happened is like Bill talks about I had arrived now I’m a star on a football team and I’m still getting drunk it’s no big football team it’s little division 3 but I’m getting drunk and people are telling me how great I am and people teammates younger guys are saying God I wish I could be like you you know you get drunk on Friday night and show up and have 15 tackles on Saturday and there’s shame in that I finished all of that school I uh when you’re in a city like that it’s a small school a small City you get in trouble and what happens is the police drive you home Duke drives you home because they know that the college needs to win on Saturday and you think you can get away with anything and you think you’re pretty special and people don’t really matter because they’re just a what can I get from you what can I get from you and it’s never enough and I think that’s what alcoholism is It’s never enough if I have this I want more if she likes me I want her to like me if all of you come up to me and say Zach you did a good job and this guy says you were horrible I hated you all I can think about is that one guy who said I was horrible I don’t know why that is I think deep down maybe it’s alcoholism I think deep down it’s this this sense of Separation that I’m different than you that I’m separate from you and it’s a lie and the only thing that made that lie not a lie anymore was getting drunk when I got drunk I felt connected to everyone I walk into a bar I hate everybody there I have a shot of Jameson and a beer all of a sudden I love everyone and then maybe 10 more shots and 10 more beers I hate everyone again it’s this it’s this vicious cycle when I drank I couldn’t predict who was going to come out I may be the funniest guy in the world I may be everybody at the bar loves me go home with a beautiful woman two nights later everybody hates me I’m breaking glass I’m trying to fight with people and I wake up in jail and I say how did this happened and this stuff happened over and over and over again and what I would do is I would get out of jail and I would say to myself I’m never going to drink again and then I’d be walking to the quickie on two-lane Avenue and I’d have $14 in my pocket and I would walk in there with the intention of getting some Winston and some milk I meant it I found out Winston’s are stronger than marbro Reds if you still smoke and I would walk into that store with milk Winston’s milk Winston’s and then I’d walk out with the 24 ounce beer and it would get that thing started again and I didn’t know I didn’t have any control over that thing I thought I just decided to go party and for 3 or 4 days I’d be out getting getting wasted and I’m the type of guy when when I have romantic Notions about drinking it’s not being in a place like this and drinking champagne and having beautiful steak delivered to me it’s being out on the street with the homeless people and yelling at the people walking by you’re all a bunch of slaves you’re a bunch of idiots you don’t know anything you’re going to work what is wrong with you that’s what I like Oblivion you know I I I mean I I got arrested I don’t know how many times in New Orleans that stuff does not make me an alcoholic people told me if you just stop doing these things if you just you know get right if you just stop drinking hard liquor and try beer you’ll be okay what I do is I go I go have a water between every drink why don’t you do that Zach and I do that and I just pee all over the place I can’t because it’s it’s you know it doesn’t help I have well-meaning people I worked for a construction guy after Katrina he loved to drink he was a good old boy who’d have five or six beers every day after work and he’d say to me Zach go home after this one go home after this one I’ll buy your next one if you go home Adrien make sure he goes home he’d tell the bartender and I’d tell him I’m going home after this one and I meant it and what happened was this one became this one became this one became this one and I’m stumbling home at 3:00 in the morning and I’m up at 700 in the morning because I’ve got to go work for this guy I can’t control the amount I take I have no choice once I put the alcohol into my system so I went to Korea I was 26 years old I was moving out to San Diego California I didn’t realize you couldn’t live on $900 in San Diego California I didn’t have any other money that $900 was gone in about a week and a friend said come on out and I mean this was a beautiful I was in another country for the first time I had an exotic woman from New Zealand I I I loved it I was running my school imagine this I am in charge of three other teachers I’m the head teacher and these other three teachers my brother who’s actually in jail right now and two of my friends who worked at a restaurant with me none of these guys have college degrees and I’m in charge the director made the mistake of the first night I was there saying I’m going to pay for this you drink whatever you want we drank every beer in the restaurant had to start going to Soju you know we I mean I’m I’m I’m wandering around a country where drunken old men are holding hands like this and I’m the one getting kicked out of bars I can’t even speak the language just my actions are are you need to go and and at that time there was something in me since the beginning there’s been something in me that knew I need to stop this I need to do something but whenever I would stop whether I was in Korea wherever I was what would happen is what are you going to do I’ve always considered myself a creative I’ve written all my life and so here’s the thing with alcohol I have a problem I drink alcohol it’s gone with sobriety I stop drinking alcohol I have a huge problem and I think it’s going to be fixed if I can just publish this short story if I can just get Hur if I can leave this country and go to this country if I can get another job and and I think these things are going to be immediate and it’s not that way with sobriety it’s a journey you know I uh I left South Korea and I didn’t want to live in the United States anymore so in January of 04 I came to New Orleans and what a beautiful place for a drunk and for a sober drunk if you come to me and say I can’t find any spones I’m guessing you’ve locked yourself in your closet and haven’t left for 3 or 4 days they’re everywhere they are all over these streets they’re they’re seeping they’re oozing they’re dying and I loved them I had so much fun with these drunks in New Orleans you’re in the French Quarter it is not abnormal to start drinking at 9:00 on a Monday morning or a Tuesday or a Wednesday and it’s just you know it’s a it’s a place of ultimate freedom and you believe it’s free and it’s normal and so what happens is I’m I’m going in and out of jail in New Orleans and uh I’d been to some AA meetings before for at this time I’m 30 years old I’d been to some AA meetings when I was 23 I was attracted to them I was attracted to the stories there was a guy who had a couple girlfriends and he ran drugs that was a neat story you know there was a guy who was in Chicago and he he played a horn and he pawned his horn and he you know these are great stories Johnny T said something in interesting last night about when he was on fire or he I’m guessing he still is on fire I can’t be that loud but he wanted to go around and make all the meetings big book study meetings I have a different idea I think all the meetings should be speaker meetings because I think that’s what we have the big book saved my life but what got me into the big book was the story of another alcoholic a lot of stories of a lot of Alcoholics um that’s what we have you look at any any way back any religion anything lessons are told through stories they aren’t told by you do this and you do that and if you don’t do this you’re going to die they’re told through stories and my heart heart opened when another guy opened his heart to me I don’t know how I got from jail to there but let’s go back to jail so I start going to these meetings um oh yeah because I was young and I thought it was stupid and from 23 to 30 I told people I went to Alcoholics Anonymous those people don’t know what they’re talking about I tried alcoholics annonymous and it doesn’t work the truth was I didn’t try alcoholic annonymous I tried your cigarettes I tried your coffee I tried to try your women they weren’t always receptive but at 30 years old I was in New Orleans and I was pretty damn depressed I was going down pretty quickly and and uh I was living in a house that they they told me I didn’t have to pay rent for a month if I took out the old floors and put in the new ones and I took out the old floors and then I slept in the bathtub for a couple weeks and it’s nasty and there’s mosquitoes and so I start going to AA meetings and I go to AA meetings on Central Avenue in mety because I’m embarrassed that I might see people that I know from New Orleans did this is the same guy who at 6:00 in the morning is yelling at people calling them slaves for going to work and what I’m embarrassed about is that I had to ask for help that’s what I’m embarrassed about and guys reached out to me you know I did a 10 years ago I did a third step in the middle in the middle of the hood on my knees with all my neighbors is watching and then I wrote half of a for step and then I got drunk for another 6 months I ended up in Prague teaching students there uh I was drunk for seven months straight and I walked into well I walked up to the window a number of times and it said the meeting is at noon and the next meeting is at 600 and every day I went there at 12:30 and one day an Irish guy came out and said why don’t you come in here and so I sat in that meeting and I didn’t say anything because what I’d done before at AA meetings is I’d expounded my my wisdom whatever latest book I was reading I I was fond of Electric Kool-Aid Acid tests so I’d quote that and other ones and I shut up part of it was because I didn’t know what to do anymore part of it was I wanted you to think I was mysterious and a guy came up to me and he said why don’t you stay a little bit after the meeting said all right and we talked and we he told me some of his stories What attracted me to this guy is he he was a heroin addict whose alcoholism just went to heroin he just found a bunch of powdered alcohol but he had what I had once he started drinking he couldn’t stop when he tried to quit he couldn’t stay quit and what he told me was that he would despite being vegan that means you don’t eat eggs or meat or any kind of fish none of that but he would share needles with people that he didn’t know that he met in an alley this made sense to me he also told me when he was 22 years old he went into a psychiatrist office and she was beautiful she had degrees on the wall she had all these things she was in a nice suit and he started talking to her and she started responding and he thought I think she wants me I could relate to that Insanity I was just telling this gu before the meeting I was at a 4:00 a.m.

meeting in New Orleans when I was trying to get sober and I shared my guts I shared the truth all about everything and this woman from New York starts crying it’s a it’s a convention and I think I think she wants me I’ve got her because that’s all I that’s all I use these stories for I use stories for to intimidate you to impress you to get in your good graces any of it this guy said why don’t we read this book together together I said oh contr mon FR you don’t understand I’ve already read this book a number of times I use this book as a roach holder I would put my roaches from my joints in there to Mark the pages so that hopefully someday I’d be so desperate I’d be going to get high and something would happen and I just what used to be the something is the hunch or gradually became a working part of I don’t know but for some reason I said yes and we started going through that book together and what happened I already said I think something of the effect that it’s not so much the book it’s what the book can do how it can transform your life and I think more of what was happening is it was the first time in my life life that I asked somebody for help I asked somebody for help a number of times and meant it but it was the first time in my life I asked for help I meant it and then I just said yes and then I just said what next and then I just said I don’t know what I said but it was some kind of supp I was supplicating I just did everything because I was done I had a full realization I can’t do this anymore I can’t do it we got to the fourth step and I started writing all these resentments and he kind of tricked me he said I want you to write down all the names and I wrote down all the names okay now I want you to write down why you resent all those people I’m thinking all right I’m about done now I want you to write down you know these seven parts of self that it affects and all right now I’m done no no no wait haven’t even gotten to the real stuff see when I got through with those resentments I had about this much of an ability to realize that every problem I have ever had I am a huge part of and also what I’ve since realized even more and more and more when I resent somebody when I have a problem with somebody it’s either because I’m deeply afraid of something it’s always because I’m deeply afraid of something but even more more I’m looking at myself you are never the person making me angry you are the mirror that allows me to change think about that it’s a horrible thing to think about you don’t get to you don’t get to be resentful anymore very long my beautiful wonderful amazing girlfriend told me yesterday that she was going to put grass on her lawn I think that’s a horrible thing I think trees and things should be planted and grass is a horrible crop in my mind that went to she doesn’t respect me how selfish can she be then it went to what have I even gotten myself into I’m with a woman that believes in Grass this is how quickly my mind goes to and I’m out the difference is I didn’t say this is ridiculous I’m out of here baby I said I love you I’m going to talk to you later right I pause when agitated or doubtful because it’s never real he starts taking me through the book I’m on an island in Prague it’s beautiful the castle is in the background rod chansa and I’m writing my inventory and there’s people going by on paddle boats and they’re drinking uh I don’t know what they’re drinking staro promen and they’re smoking joints and one moment I’m thinking thank God I’m not those horrible people and the next moment I’m thinking God I just want a joint and I want a drink and I but I was doing it I was doing it I was writing I was becoming a member of something that before that I had just been sitting and taking up space and wanting you you all to fix me and wanted to come and tell you all my problems so that maybe you could get me a lawyer that’s what I thought AA was and I kept going and I kept writing that stuff and what happened was that sponsor gave me a week to finish and it took me 11 days cuz if you haven’t noticed I’m rather verose I uh you know it was long I just kept writing and writing and writing you don’t need to write as much as I did but it took me 11 days and that was writing 1 hour every day and that was with a crazy man who thinks he needs to publish a novel okay a four step doesn’t take that long to write he left the country and I realized that I either had uh this guy Michael Brewer or this other guy who was English this English guy had 10 years Michael had 5 months and he people see they’d tricked me they’d had me show up early for the meeting they’d have me make people they have tea over there and they they’d have me make espressos at this Friday night meeting that was my job and I thought they were taking advantage of me and they would have me when people came to visit I would walk those people all around Prague as long as they wanted because I didn’t sleep I didn’t I I just walked the people around and I did stuff and I told them things and I was I was doing something for other people and I look back on it and I really think the reason I chose this guy who’s still sober and has some children over there and things are great is I felt like it would help him this guy had done dozens of fist steps this guy hadn’t done one also if I’m brutally honest he might not be as harsh a Critic as this guy I thought maybe you know I thought they were going to whip me oh my God you did what you touched her where you oh God like this is what I thought was going to happen and what happened is as I’m saying these things to this guy that I think are horrible he’s saying yeah me too you know I told this guy that a woman in my writing class I was drunk asked me how she could be a better writer and at the time I thought you need to suffer you want to be a writer you need to suffer that’s what Hemingway said right that’s what a tough Iowa boy says and I said she hadn’t suffered enough and if she was uh beaten or raped it would make her writing better this is who I become when alcohol is in my system it’s a horrible thing horrible horrible thing and he told me some horrible things that that he’d done and although it didn’t change what had happened I got a little bit Freer because most of what happens I see is people sit around with Secrets if there’s a problem of separation and that’s the ultimate problem I will never be in communion with you when I’m holding on to a secret because I’m Different no matter what you say or do I am different because you don’t understand because I can’t tell you this and I can’t tell you that and I can’t tell you this I uh I got back to I I made some amends I was teaching kids over there and um like I said I was I you would have loved me as a teacher we smoked joints by the river and played hacky sack and and drank beer and I couldn’t I couldn’t show up for that job anymore that’s how screwed up I was I made amends to those people I didn’t those kids I didn’t do a formal amends I went and bought them all pizza and I told them I’m sorry that I’ve let you down and I’m sorry that your new teacher is a who doesn’t let you smoke weed and you know it was kind of the beginning and then I went around and made amends to the places I was working for the schools that I was working for that I was stacking jobs on top of each other and not going to either of them and getting paid I went and made amends to them and then I went and made amends to everybody body and I called my sponsor who was in the states and he said slow down man are you the Jesse James of am men’s what are you doing and what he meant was not slow down but to talk to him first before I did this and thank God I did and so I get back to uh I get back to the United States and I’m about two months sober and I’m I’m lit up for the first time in my life something’s different and I’m excited and I I get to Iowa and uh I I I’m uh I’m going to meetings there and my sponsors on the phone telling me you need to find some sponses you’re going to die if you don’t find sponses and I I uh I’m going to meetings and I’m I’m trying to find sponses and people are telling me you have you only have two and a half months you can’t sponsor anyone and see he had taken me through the big book he’d armed me with not just facts and knowledge about himself and myself but about the history of Alcoholics Anonymous about the fact that eie Thatcher was what 6 weeks over when he went and carried the message to Bill Wilson that Dr Bob was 16 days when they went and saw Bill doson in the hospital that what they said to bill doson the third man on the bed was all right you’ve done this after a week now go out there and give it away to someone who wants it and needs it badly I knew all this stuff but I didn’t have my Army behind me and I started thinking screw these people they don’t know how to do AA correctly in Iowa and and I got high for 3 days was just little stuff and I come back down to New Orleans and I I’m a month and a half sober and I’m oh man nobody in New Orleans was doing it right either it’s true 2008 I was going to meetings and letting them know they weren’t doing it right and then I ran into some guys and they were talking the same kind of stuff that these people in Prague were talking and what I realized they were talking was Alcoholics Anonymous I didn’t know I thought the meetings kind of were alcoholics synonymous and we started running around and uh I asked this there were three guys who came up to me and this one guy was sober longer and he had a big beard and an accent and I just I just followed him around because I didn’t he he was kind of intimidated and I didn’t want to I didn’t want to ask questions that would make him think I was stupid like where are we going or when am I going to be home so I just went and the the beauty of it like these are the most beautiful memories I was just talking to a guy in a treatment center and I said man you don’t know how good you have it you’re sitting out there with hundreds of Alcoholics stop looking at them as people you think are bothering you and look at them as God’s grace and an opportunity to change your life and your life will change I think I just said it a little more eloquently than I said it to him but I started going with this guy and and I got a home group and I became a part of that home group and these guys Brent and Shawn were there and it was it was seven or 10 people and what was beautiful about it is what we were doing is all of us were talking about sponsorship and the meetings I had been to before that when I heard somebody talking about sponsorship you know what they were talking about well I got to call my sponsor every day and uh I got to check in with my sponsor and uh um I stopped calling my sponsor and I stopped going to meetings and I got drunk and what I learned was if this is all I’m doing I am going to get drunk or I’m going to get very discontented and maybe eat a lot or watch a lot of porn or smoke a lot and so I’m kind of a uh I can be combatant so I would go around to people who said that about I stopped calling my sponsor I stopped going to meetings and I relapsed and I would ask them what did you do with all your spones oh they don’t they don’t like that question they don’t so I I fell in kind of hook line and sinker and I started going out to a place called Gateway on the West Bank at the recommendation of my sponsor I was about a month and a half two months sober and these guys out there were crazy enough to think that I knew things and they let me help them they really did and I I mean I it was I knew everything I was three months sober and I knew everything I started making a list for the home group I go out here on Tuesday and Thursday here’s the list of when I’m going out to the treatment center I need you guys to fill in the other days that’s what I’m telling these guys who have you know 10 six four years you guys need to keep up with me and I had this this piece of crap van called a vorini it had a green door on one side and it was gold and it was an old Aerostar and I filled that thing with alcoholics and we would listen to a speaker tape on the way to the meeting and they’d be drunk most of the time and it was great they loved that and and then on the way back they’d be sober and then sometimes we’ just talk and i’ I’d complain about these guys and i’ I’d say things like none of them want to stay sober why the why am I going out there I say we don’t go to those places because they’re alcoholic we go because we’re alcoholic and what happened is some of those guys I fell in love with there’s a guy named Richard V who the first time we’re I think we were just reading or I might have made the mistake of saying God the word and I thought he was going to bite my head off this this guy was a Gunner a helicopter he shot people down in Vietnam there is no God when you shoot people down in Vietnam sorry seven years later that guy’s working for the VA and helping people he learned how to do that in Alcoholics Anonymous you know I’m driving back and forth and I’m and part of it is I’ve got to impress these guys see because that that’s who I am I need you to like me so that I’ll be okay and so I’m rolling up to Big Easy and I’ve got the vorini and I’ve got you know eight overweight veterans in there and it’s sunk down and what I do is I pull up to the side and the door is right up here but I pull up to the side so you can see my humility I’m letting these guys out so they can walk up first then I’m going to go park about two or three blocks away and walk on my own generous loving humble here’s the beauty of all of that the action does not care why it’s taken the action does not care why it’s taken if I do good things for human beings to impress you it doesn’t matter and what started to happen is the more people I started doing this for the more my heart opened and the more I started to love um how much time do I have minutes I told you about all of that fighting and all of those horrible things and uh that’s how we grew up and I’d like to tell a couple of men’s stories and uh leave you all alone the first one is that woman I said the horrible things to she was on my list and when I wrote a list I think it was now later never she might have been on the ever I don’t remember but that woman ended up publishing a a book and was going to do a reading in Baton Rouge which as you all know is near here an hour away and I was driving a limousine at the time and what I decided was if I’m not working on Saturday night I’ll go to her reading and I’ll make a men to her if any of you have ever worked in the service industry you know you always work on Saturday nights it’s God’s will that is so such a copout sometimes people say it’s God’s will I’m not going to do anything it’s God’s will I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich get the bread so I don’t do it the next day I’m in between shifts at the limo job I’m at a coffee shop called The Bean Gallery right there in walk her and a friend of hers her name was Jen is Jen and I think I can’t do it when she’s with this woman it would be selfish God says bathroom for Casey and so I walk up to Jen and I say Jen I said some things to you that no human being should ever say to another human being you you you have never done anything but treat me with kindness which is true she was a sweet gal you have never done anything but treat me with kindness that was wrong and is there anything I can do to make it right and I kid you not what happened was something between us just went fell just right there I felt it and she felt it and she looked right at me and she said you just did now here’s what happens without Alcoholics Anonymous without Alcoholics Anonymous I go around getting drunk and telling people that woman can’t write she doesn’t know anything she doesn’t know this she doesn’t know that and the reason is because I’m terrified to find out who I am to find out what is underneath all that crap and so to survive I have to judge you I have to make myself better than you and what happens is when you sit down with another man that goes away it goes away you’re connected and that’s God that’s that’s all people I don’t know who and what God is it would be Hu for me to stand up here and say this is what God is I know God’s not me I know God’s available in all of you and in me so what has Alcoholics Anonymous given me I live in a store room with saw horses and power tools I would burn my leg on the little heating pipe when I first got silver and I look back on it and that was a beautiful beginning it was I was running around all I had to do was alcoholic synonymous I told that guy in the treatment center remember that you have all these people around you that will change your life because now I’m a very busy man and even sometimes it’s not just in here you know I I I have a house that I own I have a woman that does not need me really she doesn’t she’ll tell you she she doesn’t sometimes I even try to fix things with her that she doesn’t know are wrong and she really she’s all right without without me trying to fix it all my life I’ve found somebody who would kind of let me fix them because I couldn’t fix fix myself I still can’t fix myself from a trembling desp sparing nervous wreck emerged a man brimming over with self-contentment wait self-contentment self-reliance and contentment that’s what the doctor sees but I don’t think that’s the truth self-reliance never worked and it still does not work for me today I wake up in the morning my mind is going crazy I’m never going to get this I’m never going to get that I didn’t eat should I eat did I eat maybe I should eat maybe I should do the dishes maybe and then what happens is I pray and I meditate and when I sit in silence and thank you for the gentleman who did that this morning that was beautiful when I sit in silence what happens is all the thoughts that I think are real are just thoughts and it’s saved my life and I want to thank some of my best friends are here you know some of my very best friends people that I love are here and the those of you that I don’t know I love you too and just thank you for listening and I’m glad I’m done thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day