welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker proud of you guys for coming back in here Charlie Parker alcoholic quick set aside prayer God please help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself the program the big book and even you God so that I can have a new experience help me to have an open mind so I could have a new experience help me to see the truth amen well I I uh you know it’s funny cuz then I I found myself about that chanting at one point I was I was going at the end of the deal I would say optional chanting you know and I thought maybe that’ll get the m and Katie goes that’s still chanting and I was like damn you know cuz there’s some guys at home that have started going stay you know and should of keep coming back you know and I’m like sorry boys that’s still chanting you know it’s just different you know but um you know know okay let’s this is going to be an interesting one I hope it is cuz this is a tough one to stay awake for I uh um I really think it’s U there’s a cruel irony to serving bean burritos to a men’s Retreat you know could make for an interesting evening I uh um let’s go back to where we just were page 63 we’ve just done um the third step prayer and we’ve covered a lot of ground in there you know and and like I say the whole emphasis of of the way I’m going to approach the work from from this point forward is changed in in this information and with the consciousness of this information and being able to break it down and uh I there’s a exercise I’ve been working on where I call this like the Hub you know like you know you know how when you look at let’s say Delta Airlines has a a route map and they have Hub cities you know that and you know and they have like Atlanta and you know the flights to Dallas and St Louis and buffalo and they’re all drawn back to this Hub City and I’ve been working on a graphic where step three the deal we make in step three is like a hub and throughout the rest of the book there’s a lot of places in my book where I’ve written restates the deal restates step three you know because it’s there’s it’s constantly me you know we reminding ourselves we’re no longer running in the show and saying you know that sort of thing there’s a lot of places in the book where it where it refers back to this deal we made in in step three and uh so um remember what it said the terms of the dealr it says we had a new employer being all powerful he provided what I need if I stay close to him and perform his work well um you know step one drives me into this work step two is the solution step three two and three is this decision to move into the solution and then four through nine what I what I say a lot of times is that it says if I stay close to him and perform his work well these things are going to goow like this well I can’t stay close to him until I get close to him and I can’t get close to this power if I’m blocked you know so how am I blocked I always I always uh it’s like there’s this pipeline between me and this power and that we’ve admitted is my only shot is some relationship and consciousness of this power well my pipeline is blocked with resentment and fear and self- delusion and self-pity and and and remorse and and pride and a lot of those kinds of things so what we’re going to try to do in in exercise in the steps 4 through n is remove What’s blocking me from this power you know because obviously I can’t stay close to this power if I until I get close to this power and the way I get close to this power is removing What’s blocking me between me and the power I was doing a uh Katie and I were doing a workshop up in New Jersey one time and this woman she came up and she goes are you one of these people that believes in taking people through the steps really fast I was like no I mean not not really fast you know I mean a week you know two two two weeks I don’t know I mean it depends on how much time we got you know and that sort of thing but if I’m following the clear-cut directions in the book there’s some timing things that are mention in there so you know and and uh there’s two references to when to do the fourth step you know and and so I think it’s fair to tell the guy you can do it on the first time reference or on the second time reference or anywhere in between you know that seems reasonable doesn’t it riding his ass or anything it says next we launched out on a course of vigorous action you know I’ll slow the steps down if you’ll tell me how to launch myself slowly you know I mean like when you launch yourself across the bar you can’t you know you can’t really just kind of take your time about it you know it says we launched out on a course of vigorous action I used to think the course of vigorous action was the fourth step well now I think it’s 4-9 or 4 through 10 you know arguably but probably you know in there and it says the first step of which is a personal house cleaning which many of us had never attempted though our decision we’re on the top of page 64 though our decision what decision that decision we just made in the third step was a vital and crucial step vital means you know critical to life my vital organs I can’t live without them you know it’s saying that this third step decision was vital and crucial but it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in myself which are blocking me so I can start this inventory process next or at once or anywhere in between you know I keep I keep looking for the place in the book where it says now it’s probably a good idea to just chill and make some meetings for a while you know you know it says the a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in myself which are blocking me right blocking me from what blocking me from this power so I had to get down to causes and conditions therefore we started on a personal inventory a business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke my first sponsor was a one inventory guy he said you only do one written inventory if you do more than one inventory you’re just bragging um you know and stuff like that and and for a self-centered alcoholic like me I don’t have to hear that more than once you know I didn’t really dig the first one that much you know so if you tell me I’ve only got to do one inventory I’m out you know it’s like okay looking back on it now I really have come to believe that the only people that are saying you should only do one inventory are people who have only done one inventory you you know I mean I I’ve never met anybody yet that said you know I’ve probably done six or eight written inventories over the years and I really should have quit it one you know I mean I was I was I was backing up with those last ones you know I mean it says a business which takes no regular inventory looking back on it how much capacity did I really have to face and be rid of what was blocking me when I had 30 days of sobriety I mean we’re just that’s triage that’s just trying to stop the bleeding and get the guy in touch with the power enough to get the drink off of him so we can kind of get down the road and I’m a big believer in coming back and doing regular inventory and there’s this line here where it says taking an inventory is a fact finding and a fact facing process remember when I said that Katie is the my wife I think is the best adhering inventory of anybody I’ve ever seen she’s way better than I am I mean she goes a lot deeper than I do for a number of reasons but I was talking to a buddy of mine up in Ocean City Maryland and he said you know when the first when you said that he goes there was a time when that wouldn’t have made any sense to me how could one person be better at hearing inventory you know than another and I and the way I hear inventory has really changed over the last few years and there’s a line here where it says taking inventory is a fact finding and a fact facing Mission and I’ve come to believe now that when I’m here in inventory my job is the fact finding and their job is the fact facing right I do the fourth column with my guys a lot of time because I I don’t know if it’s fair to expect them to be able to see it from an entirely different angle you know and so we’re going to talk about that but it says it’s an effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade one object is to disclose damaged or unsalable Goods to get rid of them promptly and without without regret and we’re going to come back to that line quite a bit uh you know where it says to get rid of them promptly and without regret it says if I’m going to be successful I can’t fool myself about values you know it’s always always imagine that you know let’s say we got a I got a stereo business and we’re doing inventory and I’ve got anybody old enough to remember Craig power play tape decks when that was that was the lick I mean back in the and you know and we’re doing inventory and it says I can’t fool myself about values and I got you know a whole shelf back here full of power play eight track trade players and I’m going oh these are righteous you know the these are really worth keeping and my partner is going they’re crap you know we got to get them out of here and get some Blu-ray players in here and that sort of thing I can’t fool myself about about some of these old ideas I got and it says we did exactly the same thing with our lives now here’s something interesting says we took stock honestly first we searched out the flaws in our up we being the founders they’re telling me what they did they’re saying what what they did the first thing they did was they searched out the flaws in their makeup which had caused their failure if I missed that line on page 60 for 17 years you know how I said I like to read the book and only look for things that I already agree with well I shined on the line that said the first requirement is that I be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success if I miss that line I mean I’ve read the book a few times if I miss that line what did I do when I got to a line like this where it says being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us we considered self common manifestations I guess I don’t know I was thinking about potato chips or something when I read that line you know because that I mean I skipped that line just like I did the other one you know am I convinced this self manif ested in various ways was what defeated me you it’s say and we’re back to what I call a fair question for the new guy to ask you know if I can just see the new guy going okay all right I’m following you you’re telling me that self and self-centeredness and those sort of things are what has defeated me and above everything I got to get rid of it I don’t get it I don’t know what I’m looking for you know what do you mean when you say how and when you say how to self manifest it’s saying how does it show up I don’t I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be watching for you know I can’t see self in me I can tell you one thing that I’ve observed about this whole self business and selfishness when you start focusing on manifestations of self and selfishness and that sort of thing the first place that’s going to come blindingly obvious is in others the first place that I can really see selfishness is in the gu’s in my home group oh for God’s sake you know I can spot it in my spones like crazy I am completely blind to it in myself that’s what we talk about a lot but I mean it’s unbelievable how obvious it is to me and my sponsores and then I’ll call my sponsor and I’ll tell him a situation and he’ll hand it right back to me and I just go oh my God how can I be that blind to it I know well it’s because I’m driven by my motives and my delusion and these sorts of things you know if you just let me tell you the story I understand that on First Blood it looks a little selfish but if you let me tell the story I can you understand if you think it’s selfish it’s probably just because you didn’t really hear the story properly so you know I’m always wanting to lay out the big story you know we speak in big long stories God speaks in little bitty short sentences you know but I I like the I like the long story but so it’s what is it how is it describing the fourth step or the inventory process that says we considered it’s its being self if self is what defeated me we considered self so all the fourth step is but based on that is a consideration of the common manifestations of self right if you’re telling me self is what defeated me how does it show up sorry guys I got to throw another log on that air conditioner H um um how does self show up so what are we looking at here and it says so so now we got the new guy saying you know what am I looking for you with me on that so far everybody okay somebody nod your head I feel like I’m talking to cardboard cutouts out here you know I know we just had lunch and yeah but uh but it’s so if you’re saying how does self show up it says well resem the number one offender right let’s look at that as a manifestation of self it says it destroys more alcoholics than anything else even alcohol isn’t that weird resentment destroys more alcoholics than anything else it destroys more alcoholics than alcohol does and we were talking about it at lunch there story after Story of people that had major influences on the program of Alcoholics synonymous and they were only around for a couple of years and we lost them behind resentment Hank parkur AA number you know three in New York probably big book probably wouldn’t have gotten written without Hank and he wound up with a resentment and was gone in in a couple of years the guy that brought AA to Texas um brought AA there in 1940 started everything wrote some articles that got sent into gso and they used to mail him out his pamphlets the Articles were so good he was running a group there that was doing it properly and then some Nimrod from the Northeast came down and said well up there you know we use a group concert and we voted on everything and they had a vote and the vote went in the way he didn’t want it to go and uh he left the group with it resentment and drank and was dead so he brought AA to Houston in 1940 newly sober and he was dead by 1943 but you know when it says resentment destroy more alcoholics than anything else it says from it from resentment stems all forms of spiritual disease for we’ve been not only mentally and physically ill we have been spiritually sick this is the first place where it really talks about the spiritual malady and it says when the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically it’s interesting you know we I’ve got a physical allergy coupled with a mental Obsession but we don’t address it on the on the physical side or on the mental side we address it on the spiritual plan and we straighten out physically and mentally it’s kind of interesting we kind of kind of flank it uh we don’t go after it directly and it says remember those clear-cut directions that it promised me says in dealing with resentments we set them on paper we listed the people institutions if you slow this down and break it down first of all I’m going to set them on paper and then it says we listed people institutions or principles anybody ever look at this three column thing in here and go what you know I mean Mr Brown and she’s a nut and you know that kind of stuff there was a time when I didn’t get it you know and I’m looking at and I didn’t realize that that it goes down like that you know I don’t write them across the page like that and if I break these down into clear-cut directions it says we listed people institutions or principles with whom we’re angry bang I stop right there and I write down people institutions or principles with whom are angry a lot of times when I’m doing inventory I’ll just take a spiral notebook I’ll draw a line down this part of the page and a line down this part of the page I’ll put another little line right here to make a little bitty box here it I’ll talk about in a little bit and so we got really four columns in one little check box the First Column is people institutions and principles with whom I’m angry and I write it down I skip a couple of lines I write it down I skip a couple of lines and I write it down and I write down all the people that I’m pissed off at and then it comes back and it says we asked ourselves why we were angry write down what they did right why I’m mad at them and it goes on to talk about the things that were threatened hurt or threatened and it says I write down that it affected my self-esteem my security in my ambitions when I talk to guys about Ambitions I just say Ambitions for our purpose just means the way I wanted things to turn out and did this have a bad effect on the way I wanted things to turn out my personal relations my sex relations and it’s as we as definite as this example so the reason I S just skip a line or two cuz we’re not writing the Great American novel here right I’m just writing down who I’m met at what they did and we’re using bullet points and my favorite example is Mr Brown you know you look at Mr Brown check out Mr Brown he says his attention to my wife it’s a problem right he’s hitting on my wife and what did he do he told my wife I have a mistress major guy I code violation you know and he’s trying to get my job at the office right the best aat shirt I’ve ever seen was one that said Mr Brown needs his ass kicked you I mean you look at at this guy he’s hitting on his wife he he’s told her he’s got a girlfriend on the side and he’s trying to get his job and he got 19 words in the second column it’s just bullet points we’re going to write down you know Dad uh inattentive non-approval judgmental you know just little bullet points and we’ll talk about it in the fist step we’re going to fluff it out in the fist step but then you know we write down what it affects and and it talks about the thorness and Hy I got to move cuz I got some ground I want to cover but when you get when you cuz really most of us there know how to do this it goes over on the next page and it talks about how these resentments will kill me but I and and it says you know how they shut me off from the sunlight of the spirit do I believe that do I really believe that these resentments shut me off from the sunlight of the spirit and then it goes on to it says if we’re going to be live if we have to be if we were to live we had to be free of this anger so this is really only important for the ones of us that want to live you know and and and it says the Grouch and the brainstorm were not for us and that’s that one where I was talking about brainstorm means rage and being grassy and and it goes on but I think there’s a lot of power in the written stuff in the in the fourth step but there’s some exercises in here that i’ I’ve never seen on four-step guides and and most four-step guides don’t cover this exercise right here and it is hugely powerful it says we turn back to the list for it held the key to the Future imagine if I’m doing inventory with somebody and I go you know what bill in my pocket I have the key to your future would you go nah I pass you know I mean it say the list holds the key to my future and this is a an exercise I’ve never seen on any four-step guides it says we were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle and I’ve written in there am I and I asked guys I go are you willing to look at this resentment from an entirely different angle and you know go yeah and I’m going to tell you a story about one but it says we began to see that the world and its people really dominated Us in that state the wrongdoing of others fancied or real had the power to kill how could I escape I can’t I can’t um these these it says how how could we escape we saw that these resentments must be mastered but how I can’t wish them away any more than I could alcohol right that’s the bad news about self I can’t quit I can’t get rid of self myself and I can’t quit playing God without God I’ve got to have this power to be able to move me Beyond this stuff because it’s the only way I know how to operate and here’s where it says this was our course right this is we’re saying this is what we did as the founders it says we realize that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick this is a little exercise I do with guys where you know where I go is it possible there’s that path of consideration again that the people who wronged you on there that is it possible that this is the best they could do that they were spiritually sick just like I am two people suffering from because the problem is when I like I was saying when when when I screw up I got a story to go with it I got Mo I got uh motives I got delusion but you know so I you know it’s really not that bad but now when you screw up it’s an outrage and I demand Justice you know so am I willing to cut this guy the same amount of slack that I’d be asking for if I was the one that in column one and a lot of times I’ll do that in inventory with guys where we’re going along and I go have you ever been this guy in column one you know have you ever been the one that was you know hitting on the married chick or whatever you know and and it it builds some compassion you know it’s a lot easier sometimes to get a guy to forgive his parents when he’s had children of his own you know because I know with my kids I hope that they’ll judge me on the body of my work and not choose the one or two isolated instances where I acted like an idiot well maybe not maybe more than one or two but but you know I’m thinking surely they’ll judge me on the body of my work and not just these one or two instance but I do exactly the opposite with my parents I want to pick out the one or two times where they fell short you know and how that affected me and it says we realized the people who wrong us were perhaps spiritually sick though we didn’t like their symptoms that’s column two and the way they Disturbed me column three they like me were sick too here’s a clue in the big book when it says we asked it’s usually a prayer and if it says we asked God it’s it’s always a prayer right but I’d never done any of these prayers when I was going through the inventory process before and you know you hear people talking about pray for the people you resent well it’s not a bad exercise it comes from one of the stories in the back but it’s not what the book is saying to do here I can pray for the people I was in if I want to but I got to say two prayers because here it says who are we praying for it says we ask God to help us show them the same tolerance pity and patience that I would cheerfully Grant a sick friend and when I looked up pity in that old dictionary it was more like compassion you know it was less of that you know bless their little pointed heads you know it’s it’s it’s a compassion of two people suffering from the same Human Condition am I willing to grant them the same compassion that I would Grant a sick friend you know and I think about you know like if an example I use is like if if if a couple’s having a baby and they’re in the delivery room and she’s screaming at him saying you son of a I’ll never you’ll never lay another hand on me look at what you’ve done to me you know and stuff like that well you know that’s a compassionate moment you know the guy’s going to be going oh now come on honey you know let’s do our little stuff let’s do the breathing we’re going to get through this all you know and and you know well because he’s got that compassion there now a year later it’s the same two people and it’s the same language except now she’s at the kitchen sink and he’s in the Lazy Boy and she’s saying you son of a you’ll you know you’ll never lay another hand on me I hate you for what you’ve done to me a little different there’s no compassion there’s no thought of what’s driving her or what she’s driven by or what she’s afraid of and that sort of thing it’s just like you know I don’t I don’t roll that way and you know well that’s what it’s saying am I willing to grant them this same compassion and I have to ask God to show me how to do that and it says when a person offended we said to ourselves this is a sick man how how can I be helpful to him God save me from being angry thy will be done and I’ve written right here restates step three when we talk about them being spck sick it just means they’re spiritually ignorant they can’t do any better just like I can’t do any better sometimes we avoid retaliation or argument why we wouldn’t treat sick people that way because if we do it would destroy our chance of being helpful if I get in a beef with some guy at the club and I call him a bunch of names and and I’m retaliating an AR I’m not the guy he’s going to come to when he needs help and he realize you and it’s the same way across the board says I destroy my chance of being helpful we cannot be helpful to all people but here’s a huge promise it says but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one I’ve been working on that with a lot of sponses you know because there there’ll be beefs with people and I said you know it’s interesting it says God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one but it also implies that I can’t do that on my own power my default position is not that kindly intolerant view but God will show me how to do that but I got to go to him and we’re going to talk about that a lot refer well referring to our list again putting out of our minds this is what I call the fourth column I don’t care whether you call it the third column the fourth column an expanded third column A fifth column whatever you want to call this exercise on page 67 it’s a critical part of the resentment inventory and it says putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done now we’re not talking about my part it says I’ve put them out of it says I look for my own mistakes where have I been selfish dishonest self-seeking and frightened though a situation hadn’t been entirely my fault I tried to disregard the other person involved entirely Mark used to say if you’re in a beef where you’ve only got 20% of the responsibility for the beef in this fourth column I got to take 100% % responsibility for that 20% we’re not talking about them anymore where where were my mistakes where was I selfish dishonesty and I was doing an inventory with Myers one time who’s my sponsor now and he’s going well you can always get selfish out of and I’m like really how and he goes well let me ask you this had this person done exactly what you wanted him to do exactly when you wanted him to do it and just exactly the manner you wanted him to do it would you still be resentful first I thought it was a trick question and then I went no he goes that’s selfish right all they have to do for you to not resent them is do exactly what you want them to do exactly the way you want him to do it you know and you know and like I said the rules might be different tomorrow and I won’t tell you but you I need for you to do it exactly the way I wanted it to do I’m going to be resentful you know and then under dishonesty mark one time I in the I said you know Mark I’m not seeing dishonesty you all that stuff and because I don’t really just outright lie much anymore and I love this story there was a guy that was speaking in Texas and he said God before I got sober I would just lie for no reason he said I’d lie when the truth M makes a better story he said but now that I’m sober and I’m working these steps she says I don’t lie anymore unless it’s absolutely necessary you know but it says there’s Mark said there’s three forms of dishonesty there’s lying just straight up lying there’s Lying by Omission whoops uh-oh that’s one of my toolkit right there and then he said there’s delusion and delusion is where I’m lying to myself and man when I started looking at delusion as a form of dishonesty it blew this column wide open I mean because you like one time I’m writing inventory on a spons you know I’m mad at the spons why well because he’s he’s he’s self-centered he he tries he talks over me all the time when I start reading a line out of the book he wants to quote the line out of the book to show me that he knows you know already knows what I’m trying to tell him he he uh makes appointments and cancels them at the last minute he makes commitments to ride inventory and then he doesn’t do it you know and and this sort of thing and uh and so uh I do the sick man exercise you know are you willing to look at them as you know the whatever form of spiritual condition they’re in now and when I get into the fourth column I’m looking at it and I go Charlie um is it possible that it’s a little bit delusional to expect this new guy not to act like a new guy you know who’s the who’s the old-timer here you know I mean this guy what you wrote in column two is the definition of a newcomer you know and and I’m outraged by it you know little delusional you know I it happens all the time where this delusion it really shows up the power of this process and the reason I like to talk about it so much is because it really has the potential to rewrite history I can go back in my life and completely re-experience things when it says fancy to real this can change my childhood this can change the marriage that I had this can CH you know because you look at stuff and you and my job though is to be able to show them this fourth column and I’ve had exercise after exercise where Mark used to say the fourth column properly done turns the second column into a lie and the first time he said that I’m like what does that mean you know I mean I know the second column you can’t how you going to turn it into a line I saw it happen that’s why I’m writing it down that’s why I’m pissed off is because of what happened in the second column I can tell you stories where you just go wow I mean one of them the guy just called me at launch to tell me you know one of my buddies just died this morning U guy that was my roommate and we were running buddies in sobriety and he he relapsed with about n years and never did make it back and he finally died this morning and this Roy guy called God bless you Mike you know Roy was this guy and I’m doing inventory with Roy and and he comes to me and he’s got this resentment and it says my dad you know first it’s pretty common that dad is going to be you know like Dad Mom sibling exes you know are going to be in column one he says my dad in column two what well when I was 12 he says I was sitting on the he’s told me it’s okay to tell this story I’m not just like reading stuff out of people’s fifth step you know but but he says when I was 12 I was sitting on the front steps at my house and my dad walks by me and he goes your mom killed herself today and he walks on in the house he’s sitting there going how could anybody be that heartless that thoughtless you know to just lay that on a 12-year-old kid and you know with with no you know compassion and you can get a lot of support for that in AA you know people saying oh man that’s some you know you deserve a lot better than that I mean you have counselors L times going you you know what your dad is toxic you know we need to just set a boundary there and you should detach you know from your dad you know and and so we we go at it from a little different angle you know and I’m looking at it and I go are you willing to look at this from an entirely different angle and he goes yeah yeah and I said uh are you willing to look at your dad is perhaps spiritually sick you know I said now let’s let’s talk about this situation I said how many kids we when I talk about this fact finding and fact facing mission that we were talking about sometimes when I’m here in inventory now I’m like a news reporter it’s like I’m gathering information from this guy and I go so where were you living he was living in lockart Texas and I said and and uh how many kids in your family and he says three and I said where did you fall in that group I was the oldest okay and your parents are living together what kind of work did your dad do he was a welder so how was the money situation well it was okay but I mean but you know we weren’t rolling in it but we weren’t you know starving either you know and I said so and we’re talking about this and so as we start shaping the story and I’m talking about looking at it from an entirely different angle and the what I call the sick man exercise I go let’s look at this for a second I said now your dad at this time you’re 12 so your dad is like um early 30s right early to mid-30s and he’s been married for a while to a woman with severe mental illness and there’s been it’s just been hell in the house but he’s holding it together and there there have been times in the past where she’s tried to harm herself and on this day she has successfully killed herself now your dad is at work he’s got to leave work he’s got to come home he’s got to notify all the family members that his wife killed herself and he’s got to face off all that judgment that goes with that he’s got to let everybody in this little town of lockart Texas know that his wife killed himself he’s got to plan a funeral and in the middle of all that he’s got to figure out how to try to make a living and raise three children by himself God dang it I said is it possible heard myself saying this I said is it possible that on that day given your dad’s background and his tools for dealing with life and whatever was driving him is it possible that on that day walking by you and saying your mom killed herself today was the best he could do and Roy goes God damn it I never thought about that for a second that’s the level of selfishness that I’m carrying around it never occurred to me to think about what was driving this guy or what’s going on with him and in that moment I watched a 40-year-old resentment go just like that come into this deal with a resentment come out of it with an amense I sat there and watched him go holy I’ve been waiting 40 years for my dad to come and apologize to me I got to go find my dad tomorrow and apologize to him that That’s The Power of this process That’s The Power of rewriting history you know all of a sudden he’s going oh my God I and I’ve sat there I had a kid in Newport that I was going through this process with and we do one and then we do another one and my favorite thing to hear when you’re doing that entirely different angle in the fourth column is when they go oh my God and he did it in the first one he did it in the second one and he did it in the third one and about the fourth one he goes you know Charlie I’m really a pretty good guy you know I know I know I’m looking really bad here in fourth column but I’m really a pretty okay guy you know and that’s how I mean when it talks about turning the second column into a into a lie I’ve seen it happen over and over and over again one time I was doing a a men’s retreat in Idaho and we flew into Salt Lake and they picked us up and we’re going to drive up to Lava Springs and do this man’s Retreat and they send this guy to pick us up and he’s a good guy you know we riding along and uh we’re talking about this whole 60 to 63 thing and the selfishness and self-centeredness p and we go to lunch and uh and at lunch at this guy’s house I really love these guys this a hell of a crew cuz they would serve lunch every Friday and get the newcomers in there and then pounce on them with you know the big book and you know and I was like I admire that you know and and uh but he’s talking after lunch and he goes he’s talking like we talk you know he goes oh man my first wife God almighty me that chick was nuts you know I mean and then and then as he was talking for the second wife I mean this she was off the chain you know and and just just crazy as hell and then this chick I just broke up with about four months ago boy was she whack you know and and I’m listening to him I go uh mind if I ask you a couple of questions and uh he goes no no and his sponsor sitting there with us you know he goes no go ahead I said well how do you find yourself in Rel relationship with all these crazy women and he goes what do you mean and I said well I mean I’m just thinking I’d like to offer your consideration I mean were they crazy when you started dating them or is it possible that the only difference between the way they were when you started dating them and the way they were when you broke up with them was the effect of spending that amount of time with somebody is selfish and self-centered as you are and his sponsor sit behind him and his sponsor goes say that again you know and we get out to the car and I had this Jay this guy Jay that I sponsor with me and we get out of the car and he goes damn and I was like what he goes oh my God he goes we’ve been in town like an hour and he just like boom and and I was like that’s my job man I’m the out Town guy come in drop the bomb get out of here you know I mean but but it’s the same way with me if you to ask me in my what happened in my first marriage what I would have told you for a long time is she cheated on me and she was crazy and I don’t roll like that you know she I called her having an affair on me and that was it and you can get plenty of support for that looking back on it now going through this work with this focus on on the way we’re talking about it now there’s a very good chance that I would tell you it’s very likely that I exhibited a level of selfishness and self-centeredness in that relationship that would have driven anybody crazy and driven anybody out the door that’s rewriting history that’s be having to go back and make amends to her you know and uh and there’s a lot of healing that that has taken place out of being able to see there I’ve had situations in my life where I didn’t see the selfishness and insobriety where I didn’t see the selfishness and self-centeredness in it for 15 years you know where you look you’ve got a beef that’s been going on with somebody for 15 years and you look up and you and as a result of this work and you go oh my God could I be any more selfish and self-centered that’s that’s me operating on my best skills sober without being involved in this work I don’t know how you do that by only doing one inventory I do it by going back and doing doing inventory over and over again I do a lot of stuff in the 10th step but if something bothers me for two or three days I got to write inventory on it you know and and I see it all the time where you guys get so mad they’ll fire their sponsor or they’ll leave they’ll quit a job or they’ll you know and and you go did you write inventory on you’re like no no it wasn’t that bad you know I mean I don’t have the power to see this stuff from an entirely different angle and and the thing about it is I can sit there and hand it out to my spones I’m still blind to in myself there was there was one where Katie had said something at a conference that somebody took issue with and she had used the word predator and how women aren’t women are the predators in AA and and and and well somebody took that the wrong way and they was an ugly email and so I I I’m Katie is not really a word Smith and I so I’m going to write a email to these people and respond and I’m going to there’s no position of neutrality here you know I’m and so I’m talking all she was saying was that women in AA can take care of themselves and they do because what happens a lot of times is they’ll come over to the men in AA and they’ll go you know he’s bothering me you know and we go who’s bothering you you know and I’ve got my sword and my shield and my white stallion and and I’m going to come over and and you know and these chicks have been taking care of themselves for a while you know I mean you know I mean if she can handle Sixth Street in Austin she can handle a predator in AA you know but uh but uh but I’m writing out this whole it takes me about 45 minutes to type it out cuz I don’t type very well and it’s brilliant it’s it’s brilliant but there’s but there’s not an unsend button on the computer you know so there’s a I’ve learned to kind of go let’s hold on just a minute before we s and I called Mike lorens and I and and I’m going to run it past him and I read the whole email out to him you know about the whole thing and and he goes uh can I ask you one question and I said I said sure and he goes when you wrote that email I said yeah and he goes were you mounted on your white stallion I like oh my God I’m sitting there doing exactly what I’m saying that she’s saying that they don’t need you know but I’m blind to it in myself I got to have somebody that’s taking me back to this level of stuff and and looking at that sort of thing I I love that that sick man exercise and this entirely different angle and it’s a powerful exercise you know and it says we where was I to blame you know the inventory was mine not the other man when we saw our faults we listed them I’ve heard people say there is no fourth column I don’t know what you want to call this but it does say when we saw our faults we listed them we placed them before us in black and white whatever you want to call it we admitted our wrongs honestly we’re willing to set these matters straight that resentment inventory comes up for me all the time um we got well then it rolls into so we’ve looked at resentment as a manifestation of self you with me on that right it’s changed for me it changed the whole approach remember last night I said I thought I was writing inventory my first force was just kind of a a confession right just sit down with the guy and tell him all the bad stuff I ever did there was no focus on any of this and I sat there and read my inventory to him and at the end of it he goes you’re a very selfish person I’m like okay you know I mean this is taken it to a little bit deeper level what’s next what’s another way of to self manifest for a guy like me it says notice that the word fear is bracket alongside all these resemblances um this short word somehow touches every aspect of Our Lives it was an evil and corroding thread check this out evil and corroding read the fabric of our existence was shot through with it we were studying this page at Primary Purpose Group one night and I know what shot means I mean I’m a competitive shotgun shooter I’m picturing some piece of fabric that’s been shot you know through with fear or something like that but for some reason I hear myself saying look up the word shot please and so the guy gets out the dictionary and he reads it and it says a method of weaving using warp and web where the fabric takes on a different appearance based upon on the Viewpoint of the Observer who and we call it a chich and Chong moment at PPG where everybody goes whoa so now what it’s saying about fear is that you know like a like a shark skinned suit you know or a silk rug you know how they you have a they look different but it’s saying that the fabric of my existence is not only is it shot through with fear but it can also change the way things look based on how I’m looking at it pretty heavy I’d read that page more than once that night you know and it says fear set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us Misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve but did not we ourselves set the ball rolling I don’t have time to really go into what a self-fulfilling prophecy is but I’m the guy that will sit there and I’m scared my girlfriend’s going to cheat on me and I’m scared she’s going to cheat on me and I ride her ass and I don’t want her going out in public and I don’t want her going to the mall and I’m you know I’m questioning everything she does till finally she can’t take it anymore and when she leaves I go I knew it I knew it I was right the whole time you know right you know and it but it seemed didn’t I set the ball roll didn’t I set in you know and and here’s one it says sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing it seems to cause more trouble I used to read that I’m going I don’t understand what they mean by fear ought to be classed with stealing it doesn’t really make sense to me but my buddy Bob in Las Vegas was uh he said he was sitting in a hot hospital room with an Oldtimer that was dying and the guy was talking to Bob and he goes you know Bob he says when you get in the home stretch and you’re looking back over your life he goes it’s not the mistakes that I made that I deeply regret it’s the things I was afraid to try and in that way fear robs me of the relationship I might have been able to have of the relationship with my children I might have been able to have of the marriage I could have had of the career I could have had because I’m afraid to try this stuff you know I mean when I was dating I was so scared of of rejection that the only way I was going to ask a girl out was if she had those flashlights from the airport was going Bring It Right In Here Boy you know you know because I’m I’m scared you know and it’s just you know fear robs us of these sorts of things well the fear inventory I’ve seen inventories where the the Fe your inventory look just like the resentment inventory I don’t mind an in a four-step guide if it follows the language of the big book but I also I want guys to be one of the beautiful things about a is not only will it bring about this uh Spiritual Awakening it’s also very easily duplicatable you know when you when you know when you do the work out of the book it’s real easy to show somebody else how to do the work out of the book and and uh I don’t have to scramble around and get the hazelman guy and the and the the all these different guides you know and and it says but I’ve never seen one where it was laid out like this I’ve never seen one had the sick man exercise on it and then here’s one and it says we reviewed our fears thoroughly we put them on paper so we write down our fears even though we got no resentment in connection with them and then it says we asked ourselves why we had them so we can put that down if you want I’ll let the guy do that as an exercise but it’s going to give me the answer in the next sentence it says wasn’t it because self-reliance failed me self-reliance was good as far as it went but it didn’t go far enough some of us once had great self-confidence but it didn’t fully solve the fear problem or any other problem when it made me cocky it was worse so I’m writing down these fears and it says that I’m that wasn’t it because self-reliance failed me had a sponsor he call the other day he goes well self-reliance is really failing me I’m having I’m I’m in a lot of fear about you know these job interviews and that sort of thing I said well you know the thing about self-reliance is the only time it can fail me is when I’m in self-reliance you know if if I’m in fear it’s because self-reliance is failing me and it says perhaps there’s a better way we think so for we are now on a different basis the basis of trusting and relying upon God so over in the third step I’m on on the basis on the basis of self-will I’m almost always in collision with something or somebody over here I’m on the basis of trusting and relying upon God We Trust infinite God rather than our finite selves the way I do with AAR inventory a lot of times with think Katie is doesn’t like this but she’s not here so I do this thing I call the fierce fear you know and and it’s like in my world there’s this little sphere of things that I have control over you know like when I’m going to go to bed what I’m going to wear how much you know what I’m going to have for lunch I mean clearly I don’t have a tremendous amount of control over that but um that you know there are things in my life that on the basis of self-will I can control these things that’s a finite amount of things though that I can control outside that sphere are a whole bunch of things that I can’t control and on the basis of self will those things scare me you know because I know at some level that even though I’m running the whole show and you and when you look at a fear list with a guy that written down you know we’ll write down you know cancer uh getting sick growing old wife leaving me going broke how my kids are going to turn out am I going to you know these sorts of things and and then and when you go and I go back down the list with that guy and I go let me ask you a question you know this these things here tell me are the inside inside your area of control or outside your area of control cancer outside going broke outside whether or not Kat’s going to leave me outside how my kids are going to turn out outside on the basis of self-will that crap scares me and it’s saying now but on this it says now on we’re on a different basis we’re on the basis of trusting and relying upon God and it says just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match Calamity with ready one time I had a guy he goes he says Charlie how do I know what God’s will is it’s an interesting question I said you know I don’t really know a lot of times what God’s will is but I’m usually fairly clear on what it isn’t you know and I said how about for now we just do what we don’t do what clearly isn’t God’s Will and assume that everything else is is our best show at it you know God will take up the like I didn’t even realize that that’s what it’s saying in the book it says just to the extent that we do as we think God would have us and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match Calamity with Serenity right well it says we never apologize for God instead we let let God demonstrate through us what he can do I looked up demonstrate in that old dictionary one time and you know what it said under demonstrate it said to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt to prove to a point that the opposite Viewpoint is rendered absurd so it’s saying and demonstrate was a big word in the Oxford movement they used it a lot and it’s saying but if we’re going to let God demonstrate through me that the basis of relying on God is works and in fact it Works to the point that relying on self is rendered absurd does that make sense it’s heavy stuff um it says we ask him uhoh that sounds like a prayer we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be at once we commence to outgrow fear to me that’s the fear exercise and then it goes into the sex inventory and the first paragraph talks about kind of the spirit we take into the sex inventory it says many of us needed an overhauling there which basically means to examine thoroughly and it says we try to be sensible it’s ways easy to run to extremes um and but what we’re looking at in this third inventory in the four step is manifestations of self-centeredness when the sexual instinct is aroused probably doesn’t happen with you guys but I tend to get a little selfish around sex you know one time I even said something that wasn’t true um I’m going to love you forever honey you know I it says one school says everything goes one way one says you know have all the you it says we want to stay out of this controversy we don’t get to be the Arbiter of anybody’s sex conduct we all have sex problems we’d hardly be human if we didn’t what can we do about him it’s funny it’s say I don’t want to be the arbit the thing is what we’re trying to do in this exercise is set a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life and you know one of the ways that I get into trouble is when it doesn’t matter what my mother’s values are for me if they don’t match up with mine or what your values are but when I operate outside of my own value system I get in trouble when I start doing things that I think are wrong it it it troubles me right you know and and how am I going to know what my values are if I don’t ever establish them if I don’t ever have a look at them if I don’t have any idea I’m not going to know when I’m when I’m going over the line you know I mean saying it sound ideal it can be a moving Target I mean you know I’ve sponsored this kid that was a college student at UT single looked like he was carved out of wood his sound ideal is a little different from me as a 57y old married guy I mean this guy’s getting laid more than the Dallas Cowboys and I don’t it’s not my job to tell him how that’s supposed to go he’s got to establish a San and sound ideal for his sex life so he’ll know when he’s operating outside of his values and I watched it move around for him and that sort of thing it says we reviewed our own conduct over the years past where had I been there’s nine questions that we ask ourselves here it says where had I been selfish dishonest inconsiderate whom had I hurt right it’s not always just the person I had sex with sometimes it could be their husband some it could be their kids sometimes it could be you know whatever you know I’ve blown up I’ve blown up whole you know situations that um around sex drive you know a little shortsighted I I got a great line but I’m not going to say it in a monastery I uh you know did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy suspicion bitterness right and I got to look at you know is my wife jealous for no reason or is she jealous because I’m acting like a jackass you know have I done things to to you know to promote jealousy suspicion or bidness where was I at fault what should I have done instead right can I tell you guys we’re going to go a little deeper than you know I shouldn’t have screwed her you know I mean you know when they say what should I have done or where was I at fault we’re going to go a little deeper than that and it says in this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life we subjected each relation to this test was it selfish or not we’re looking for manifestations of Self in this stuff was it we and it says we ask God there’s another one to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them we remember that our sex Powers were god-given and therefore good neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and lless that’s why you know it’s kind of funny you know when you start having kids you find out that some of the stuff your parents told you was just straight up BS you know I mean and and uh for our own convenience and and one time we’re out by the pool and we’ve all had barbecue you know and the kids are you we brought the kids in we’re eating and my my daughter wanted to go back in the pool and uh I said oh honey you know you can’t swim for an hour after you eat you know cuz cuz you’ll get you’ll get crabs and I heard that I go what a Croc you know I mean it’s like not only have I never had cramps I’ve never known anybody that knew anybody that had cramps you know it’s just a story we tell the kids because we don’t want to have to watch them for an hour after we eat you know I’m just eaten and I don’t want to have to mess with and I think it’s the same reason we tell guys don’t get into a relationship for a year after you get sober you know we don’t know whether it works or not CU nobody’s ever tried it but it’s not it’s not that we don’t want it’s just as a sponsor I don’t want to have to hear about it you know if you get into a relationship I got to work my ass off with you you know so like uh you know you really shouldn’t go swimming for an hour after you eat you know I you know you know just saying but you know when it says we’re not to be the Arbiter of anybody’s sex life I mean really on day 366 I’m ready for a relationship you know I’ll tell guys to go man you can get in a relationship if you want but I mean it’s you better put your seat belt on you know it’s you’re going to have to work this deal at a whole another level and uh I got one sponsy right now that’s got his tit in the ringer and God Almighty I mean is he having to do some work you know and it’s funny because as a sponsor I’m sitting there going you know I got my opinion and I got my experience you know my opinion says you should get out of this deal it’s not the right deal for you you know and it’s crazy it’s going to be a lot lifetime of misery but then I also got my experience that says you can’t hear a word I’m saying you know so I said I I’ll walk a 100 miles down that road with you but I mean I I’m I’m conflicted on my advice you know with you but you know we it says we shape the sane and sound ideal and it says whatever our ideal turns out to be we got to be willing to grow towards it we got to be willing to make amends where we’ve done harm and it says we treat sex like we would any other problem in meditation we ask God what we should do about each specific matter the right answer will come if we want it and there’s a little prayer over here on page 70 called The Sex prayer and it talks about what happens if I fall short and when it says to it says it’s in the middle of the page the second new paragraph on page 70 it says to sum up about sex we earnestly pray for the right ideal God please show me the right ideal with this stuff we pray for guidance in each questionable situation for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing you I always tell my guys I go man that guidance in each questionable situation it’s got to start way up the line you know it’s got to start I’m a married guy it’s got to start as soon as she starts flirting with me you know the chick at the club or the chick at the you know because what I want to do is I want to push it right up to the edge of the cliff you know and when I’m saying you know God give me guidance in each questionable situ you know I got the I got the key to the motel room and I’m going God if you don’t want this to happen don’t let this key work you know you it’s like the horse is out of The Barn at that point you know I mean it’s like I’ve said the same thing about guys uh I you know internet pornography is a huge problem with men and sobriety I’m not looking at anybody I haven’t talked to anybody but I mean but I’ve had some struggles with it and there were times where I was carrying a card around that said you you know God show me this this the right ideal give me guidance in each questionable situation uh give me sanity sound mind and and the strength to do the right thing and I I’ve told guys in spot you know that are having trouble with that stuff I go you you carry that around on a card but I’m telling you you can’t wait till you’ve logged on and you know and you know it’s too late then you know it’s when the imperious urge is just start that’s when you know when I have to you know have to do it and and these things these tools work with so many things I mean it’ll work with internet porn it’ll work with uh gambling it’ll work with stuff I had a problem with the internet poker one time I could not stop playing internet poker right and you talk about current agnosticism every morning I’d say that’s it I’m not doing this anymore and then that night about 10:00 I’d go well you know it wouldn’t hurt to look at a few hands you know I mean just and next thing you know it’s 4:30 in the morning and I got 17 cigarette butts in the ashtray and the next day I feel like I’m you got to hangover I’m going that’s it and then that night I’m back on there again and this is going on day after day and I called up my buddy Tom up in Dallas and I said you know Tom I can’t quit and he goes are you ready to quit for good and I said yeah and he goes get down on your knees he said get down on your knees and ask God to remove the obsession and I was like really and he goes dude that is a no-brainer for God you know he goes if God can handle whiskey and heroin he can handle internet poker you know and but I mean but it had never occurred to me to take it to God and and you know if we talk any about six and seven we’re this session is over isn’t it what time did we start 13 23 we give just a couple more minutes I wanted I wanted to do four five six and seven because what happens is with a lot of us this inventory process can suddenly turn into an exercise and self will the inventory process Katie says it’s like a golf swing you know four through nine four through nine just like this you know and what I tend to do is I want to do four and I five and I look at it from an entirely different angle and I go good thing I caught myself I was off the beam there for a minute but I got it now and subtly it has turned into an exercise and self-will and God doesn’t have anything to do with it have you ever seen Charles Barkley swing a golf club oh my God you have got to YouTube Charles Barkley golf swing it it you’ll wet your pants I mean it’s like he he he he with the best lessons he draws the club back and he goes like like I mean I’m telling you you’ll wet your pants you you got to see it It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen that’s what I do though when I stop at four and five and what the process really is supposed to be is in four I I write it down and I look at it from all this stuff and and then I go to another person and we talk about it and we look from an entirely different angle what step six is all about is lack of power and it being objectionable the stuff that I found in this inventory in Step six I take it in there and I admit that it’s objectionable there’s a lot of things in my life that it doesn’t matter if you think it’s objectionable it’s when I think it’s objectionable that it becomes a real piece of business between me and God you know you could think I’m an and I’m like well that’s just the way I am but when I become aware aware of this Behavior and the way it’s affecting other people and it becomes objectionable to me that’s the big piece of it is is it objectionable or not and the second piece of it is I don’t have the power to do any different that’s what I’m doing in Step six is I’m looking at this stuff and I’m taking it in there and I’m saying this is is really objectionable to me God and I don’t have the power to do it any different and then I take it in Step seven to God and I say uh my Creator I’m now willing that you should have all of me the good and the bad I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding amen that’s the that’s six and seven and then I go out and I start making amends for the damages I’ve done done with this selfish behavior but this four five six and seven Pro and I hear a lot of people say well you got to have um you got to have the 12 and 12 for six and seven because it’s just two little paragraphs in the big book but the reason it’s just two little paragraphs in the big book is because I’ve spent 75 Pages preparing for those two little paragraphs I’ve done I’ve looked at this stuff and I’ve seen it from a different angle and I’m going I do I admit it’s objectionable and I don’t have the power and then I take it to God and I even let God decide which which of my Character defects he’s going to remove and which ones he hid I don’t know I mean I mean I know one thing if he made me completely defect free I wouldn’t be worth a flip working with new guys you know that sometimes they got to be able to see some of these defects to know you know I remember the first time met o Donald this guy had 25 years and I’m watching him work on his Harley and he threw a a openend wrench through the sheetrock in his garage and I thought I might be able to do this deal you if we don’t if if that’ll pass for 25 years I’m in you know you know but but I’m asking God to remove these defects and that sort of thing that’s it’s it’s a powerful piece of the exercise but this inventory process has taken on such a new life for me that I that I missed for so long I mean I I don’t even know how to you A lot of it comes from just hearing a lot of inventory I hear a lot of inventory i sponsor a bunch of guys and we hear a bunch of inventory and uh um this is the sort of thing that can you know when you bring when you got that new guy you can show him that there’s a different level of doing this deal you know having a guy I hope I hope to talk about it but I got two minutes I want to say one thing real quick I was do Katie was doing a talk in in in out of state and this guy came up to me and he says you know can I talk and I said yeah and we over and he goes I’m not I’m not doing very good and I said what’s up and he goes well he goes I’m 16 years sober and he goes I’m not thinking about drinking or anything he go but I I can’t shake this thought of killing myself that’s untreated alcoholism that’s what I’m talking about walking around in the middle of these rooms with a level of desperation and pain that I’m not going to tell anybody about and he’s like I’m not thinking about drinking but I can’t shake the idea of killing myself and be able being able to tell that guy that there’s a level of this work that he’s never experienced is a powerful message and it’s a powerful thing to get to be to get to experience I mean you know I don’t know which is cooler being able to have a spiritual awakening from this stuff or being able to show somebody else how to kick it up to another level and it’s a I just I love these conversations and I love anybody that’s willing to sit around and talk about it and you know we’re going to take a while off tonight and we’ll get back tomorrow morning and talk about the amends process and the and the spiritual disciplines of 10 and 11 but I I really want to thank you guys for hanging in there today and thanks for listening to me thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day