Sober Sunrise -Keith L. – Edisto, SC – 2000
Keith L. shares his AA speaker story from addiction on Skid Row to 25+ years sober, focusing on the eighth and ninth steps and making amends with family.
Keith L. from Ohio spent 12 years destroying his family through alcoholism before landing on Skid Row in Washington, DC in 1973. In this AA speaker tape recorded at Edisto, South Carolina in 2000, he walks through his path to sobriety, his recovery in AA, and what the eighth and ninth steps of making amends taught him about freedom and restoration.
Keith L. describes his descent into active alcoholism—from his first drink at age five to years of broken promises, lost custody of his children, and a suicide attempt in 1973 that led him into AA. He details his first AA meeting, working with sponsors, and the spiritual and practical work of making amends with his brother, the church, and his father. The talk emphasizes how making amends isn’t about self-improvement but about becoming spiritually fit to carry the message to others.
Episode Summary
Keith L. opens with a childhood marked by anxiety, isolation, and a speech impediment despite growing up in a loving Irish Catholic family of eleven children. He describes his first drinking experience at age five and the stark contrast between his immediate sense of liberation and his brother’s chaotic response. This early experience foreshadowed his disease: where his brother could never progress beyond that first drunk, Keith went on to develop a sophisticated alcoholism that lasted twelve years.
His marriage and two daughters arrived during active addiction. The central story—one of the most painful he shares—involves his premature daughter Kimberly’s birth while he was passed out drunk. Despite his wife’s pleas, he arrives at the hospital intoxicated and hostile. Days later, when the baby is on an experimental respirator and not expected to survive, Keith finds himself outside the neonatal unit, loathing himself. He makes a desperate deal with God: if she lives, he’ll stop drinking. He breaks that promise within 24 hours, drunk in less than a day, and realizes he’s created a false God—one who would kill a baby because her father was sick.
The miracle is that his daughter survived, is now 28, and thriving. But Keith’s marriage dissolved. His wife asked him to leave, and he spent six months on Skid Row in Washington, DC. On May 13, 1973, contemplating suicide with a handful of pills, a woman’s voice outside his door—”When you’re 29, it’s not supposed to be over”—startled him into calling the treatment center number his ex-wife had given him. That phone call changed everything.
His first AA meeting came through a treatment center referral. A man at the door—straightforward, unapologetic—told him: “If you keep coming here, you never have to drink again.” Keith wanted to scream that the man didn’t understand his case, but the man did understand what Keith didn’t: that the God of his understanding had placed him there.
The talk shifts into the substance of his recovery: finding a sponsor (who refused to let him avoid the program), working the steps, and the transformative power of making amends. Keith describes how his sponsor encouraged him to take a scholarship to study philosophy at Georgetown, then supported him going to Paris on a research fellowship—not for Keith’s sake, but “for Alcoholics Anonymous,” so the fellowship could celebrate recovery’s miracle.
A defining lesson came in France when Keith’s sponsor taught him about fear. Instead of trying to be brave about his fear of heights, Keith learned he could simply take his sponsor’s hand and go forward. This becomes the metaphor for his entire recovery: “Everything that I’ve done as a member of Alcoholic Anonymous, I’ve done it because I’ve taken someone’s hand and gone to the top.”
The longest section covers the eighth and ninth steps. Keith describes making amends with his brother Denny, discovering they had envied each other for opposite reasons—Keith admired Denny’s success, Denny admired Keith’s willingness to risk and change. Now they’re best friends and golf partners. He made amends with the church, finding an old priest who wept upon hearing how Keith had blasphemed religion out of fear. Most movingly, he describes years of failed attempts to make amends with his father, driving from Washington to Ohio only to storm out in rage. Finally, at the right time, his father shared a memory: the first day Keith went to work at a bowling alley, his father took him to lunch, explained what it meant to earn a good day’s wage, and watched him board the bus alone. His father revealed that Keith had robbed him of what he did best—being a father—because Keith never needed him for anything again.
Keith emphasizes repeatedly that making amends isn’t about the person making them; it’s about becoming spiritually fit. He closes with a hospital story: an AA speaker meeting with a dying man in a hospital bed. The two recognize each other from Skid Row days, speak the only language two alcoholics can speak to each other, and become lifelong friends. The young doctors watching are transformed. Keith tells them: “You go on and be a great doctor. We need great physicians. Let us have the alcoholics.”
Notable Quotes
I’m incapable of responding to the love that’s around me. I just don’t see it there. Something’s wrong with my vision. I can always see what’s wrong and I can never see what’s right.
What happened to me when I drank was I was liberated for the very first time. Somewhere between the second and third drink I saw the big picture for the first time in my life.
If you keep coming here, you never have to drink again. I wanted to scream at him, but he knew what I didn’t know—that the God of my understanding put me here because with you I don’t have to drink again.
A sponsor’s job is to find out the desire of your heart and then not let you do it.
The eighth and ninth step isn’t about me. I’m concerned about people who think they come to AA to get better for themselves. It’s about becoming spiritually fit so I can carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Everything I’ve done as a member of Alcoholic Anonymous, I’ve done it because I’ve taken someone’s hand and gone to the top.
Sponsorship
Spiritual Awakening
Long-Term Sobriety
Relapse & Coming Back
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
- Sponsorship
- Spiritual Awakening
- Long-Term Sobriety
- Relapse & Coming Back
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker thank you my name is Keith Lewis I’m an alcoholic wow I’m really delighted to be here I um I I I’m I really appreciate being asked to do anything for Alcoholic Anonymous it’s always an honor and I especially appreciate being asked to do it at the beach um that’s a double honor uh on a golf course which compounds it uh I just want to thank uh Mary Kay and and and Tom and for for invi and the committee for inviting Julie and I and and and I’d like to thank John and and um Chris for being such a good hosts and hostesses and just everybody uh involved with this for just just a wonderful time we we wel to asked uh this evening and we’re talking on the way back about what a nice relaxed laidback uh event this is and and uh it’s really one of the fine events I I’ve been I’ve been doing this for 20 years and and this is really one of the fine fine events I’ve ever been privileged to to be invited to and I I profoundly thank you from the bottom of my heart and and I see so many friends uh Ted Michael and and and Uncle Mikey Way and and my friend Ross from up in Washington and just so many friends that I have here Wallace uh back there in Stanford who I’ve known since since I moved in North Carolina and just so many people and it’s just really really special being here I want to thank the speakers I’ve heard too uh uh I just uh Brenda was just wonderful uh Thursday night if you missed her I urge you to please please buy the tape it’s a powerful message um and and I hadn’t seen you in four or five years and and it’s just great to to see you again and and uh and I I hadn’t heard Ruby but I had had the privilege to uh to to share with her better half it’s our turn and and um and uh and it’s great to see you again it’s really great to to meet you and and uh to hear Vince last night it was just a such a moving experience for me and so funny too it was really really hilarious and I’m looking forward to hearing Pat and uh and so i’ I’m full I I’ve I’ve got everything I need already so I’m leaving thank you um this is about me after all um I’m uh I I uh I’m not from the south I know it may grab some of you surprise you but but I’m really not I U I’m a naturalized citizen uh I I married a woman from North Carolina um I’d like you to meet my Allen on uh Julia would you stand up please I came South I I came South mike always tells me I’m married above my station um I came I came South in search of a wife and found one um I was also running from things but uh it’s another story I I I’m actually born in Ohio birthplace of alcoholic synonymous uh and the right Brothers um that’s that’s about it um I’m I’m the second child um the eldest son and a family of 11 children I’m Irish I won’t tell you what church we went to I I will however give you a hint it’s got something to do with Bingo but I’m not going to say anymore and um and I I guess we were poor at least I thought we were uh and I thought that for many years I used to sit in the U sit in the bar and cry to the person who would listen to me and tell them you know what aough rough life I had and with 10 brothers and sisters and on and on and on and on the problem with all of that is it wasn’t true it sound sounded good but it just wasn’t true now now we didn’t have any excess material Goods but uh but I certainly wasn’t poor because uh I grew up in a family with tremendous love uh a family that prayed together the Rosary every night that uh that my parents were genuinely interested in everything that was going on in my life and uh uh Ju Just wonderful brothers and sisters and uh and I grew up in a small town on the Ohio River and everybody was your parents and everyone would correct you and then they call your parents to tell you that they corrected you so you always did double duty when you uh you know and I was surrounded by wonderful people my whole life and the problem with me was I was an alcoholic and what that means to me is that I’m incapable of of responding to the love that’s around me I just don’t see it there something wrong with my vision I can always see what’s wrong and I can never see what’s right and and somehow I couldn’t experience any of that and and and from a very early age I had a bad speech impediment and and uh and from a very early age I spent all of my time um alone as much as possible I was a guy who had something lived under his bed I don’t know if they had any of those in the South but there was something down there and and I could at night I press my little ear against the mattress and I could hear it moving around and uh and I knew what it was down there for it was waiting for me to dangle my little legs over the side of bed I was history and and I knew that and um and I also knew I couldn’t talk about it I knew that uh that there certain things you can’t talk about and and nobody ever told me that I just intuitively knew that and so so I was the only one who was aware of this thing under my bed and uh and um and I used to to lay there at night and think about it and worry about it I worried about other things when I was a little kid so I worried about getting married cuz I didn’t like girls uh I was about four and uh and I I just didn’t like them uh and and yet I knew I’d have to marry one of them one day and uh and I knew I’d have to get a job probably in the mill you know where my dad worked and in the coal mine and and and I watched people going in and out of the mill and and none of them were like me they were all bigger and uh and I thought I got to get a job to support this woman I don’t want to marry and uh and I just really labor over these things and I couldn’t talk and and I couldn’t be understood only the people only my parents could understand what I said they thought I was wonderful and you know my mother passed away recently but you know how you think back over these times and arriv the first grade and uh the nuns oh I gave it away the nuns said is there anyone here who would like to sing a song for us and I put out my hand and my mother just shrunk you know and she said what would you like to sing and and I said I want to Ching you’re a Gand old so I say you’re a Gand old you’re a highfine and um and my mother just wept from the beauty of it all you know you know and she and she told me that night she said Son I’ve never been more proud of you in my life I was today when you sang and for all those people and uh you know to her I was normal and uh it scares the hell out of here you know but uh and you know I and and they tried to teach me to talk and and um and so finally I went to the library and um and I asked the librarian who who talk real good and uh and she said Winston Churchill so I got those records I don’t if you remember they used to have red records in the library and I go home and play Winston Churchill and I try to talk like him and was the only kid in the Ohio Valley with a British accent and uh uh and I also um I I like to talk about my first drinking experience I think it’s important if you’re going to be an alcoholic synonymous to have a drinking experience in do I questioned some of the people coming in my home group but that’s a different topic uh but but my first drinking experience took place when I was 5 years old I was at home I didn’t go out much when I was five and uh it was with my father and my brother Dum Denny and uh Dum Denny’s a year younger than I am and uh and mom was out she was either at a bingo or having a baby or something and uh and dad was watching us and and uh and and he gave us each of beer I guess he thought it’d be sort of cute you know and and uh and I drank it nothing happened uh Denny on the other hand had a spiritual awakening um last time I saw Denny he slid out of the chair and he was rolling around under the table singing Mary had a little lamb and other drinking songs and uh and and my father panicked and he he wrestled him to the ground and got his clothes off and took him up and put him in bed and and and jny was having a great time he’s singing and carrying on and laughing and so he said to me get ready for bed son and I said’ okay Dad he saidif you don’t tell your mother about this I’ll uh I’ll take you to the movies next weekend I thought well that’s a good deal you know when you’re five they don’t negotiate much with you and and uh so I I went and got in bed and Denny wasn’t hearing and I was watching him he’s singing Everything I never forget this as long as I live old Denny stood up in his little crib and urinated on the floor you know and I remember thinking you know there’s a kid who’s pess over alcohol and whose wife asked to come and management and uh and I I I’m I’m sad to report that Denny just never made it uh he just never developed beyond that he uh it’s a sad thing really he he went on and did some strange things I’ll share some of the things he did I’ll tell his story I’m tired of mine um he did things like this Denny went to you ready he went to one college yeah he had one major yeah he he graduated in 4 years yeah he went to one graduate school graduated at top of his class he was offered like eight jobs and he took one and last year he he last year he retired he’s 53 years old he retired as a vice president in a large international corporation and the strangest thing of all is he married one woman now here’s a guy who had the world in the palm of his hands when he was four years old he just let his through his fingers you know I had to work at this thing I was 23 years old before I urinated on the bedroom floor for the first time the other thing I I remember was um I remember when I was in high school and Julia I I came back uh Julia and I had been married coming up on 9 years and and uh and shortly after we were married we went had occasion to go back to Ohio for a wedding and and uh and I took her to this little high school I went to St John’s Central High School and and it was really it’s a tiny little you know how places are small when you go back and and and I was reminded of of uh of this nun we had it was a really strange bird her name was Sister Victoria and I like to think about sister Victoria because uh um sister Victoria was a librarian and and and she’s a strange woman she’d say really off of all things like every boy is a prince and every girl is a princess because we have a father who’s a king that weird and uh so we run around calling each other prince Keith and Princess Mary and U and uh and she was a like I said the librarian and she used to walk around this Library like it was a Library of Congress I mean there was a tiny little room with some old books in it that that’s all it was but to her it was where God would have her be she was in the midst of doing God’s Will and to her that was Paradise and and and she’s just one of these enthusiastic people and and when you served at 10 uh you used to serve it with sister Victoria and uh I I was um well if we had any money I think I’d have been diagnosed as an acting out adolescent we were poor so I was just a punk and um and so I spent a lot of time doing detention with sister Victoria what they used to do is they used to have they make us make rosary beads they give you wire and Beads and pliers and you make these rosary beads those are things that Catholics pray on for you Heretics and and um and uh and there were like there were 10 beads to every decade and and this stuff you know and so she put me behind a magazine rack she said I was a prince but I was contagious so so I sat back there and I made rosary beads for four years and uh and mine were different um I made them with 11 beads in in all the decades and uh so you know by the time they take these grocery bees and theyd ship them all over the world to michig so by the time I graduated there were hundreds of mutant Rosary bees out there and and U and and you know you you can’t let them not know what you’re doing and when it came time to graduate she hadn’t caught on yet so I went to inform her and I said you know what I’ve been doing for the last four years sister and she said yes I do you sly little prince said you’ve been putting extra you’ve been putting extra beads in all the Decades of the Rosary and I know why you’ve been doing it and I remember thinking I hope she tells me cuz I hav the foggiest idea why and she said people all over the world are praying extra prayers and God’s going to give you all the credit don’t you hate people like that you then she said something that just terrified me absolutely terrified me she she took both of my hands in her hands and she said to me she said when I first met you I knew you were a special little prince and she said I put a a a a a metal on my beads these long bees remember they bang them against the desk when you’re taking desk and uh and she put a medal of St Jude was a patron saying a lost causes on on that thing and she said whenever I get to this medal I say a special prayer for you and she said that one day God’s going to send you all over the world and you’re going to tell all his children how very much he loves them I was terrified I I was just terrified I couldn’t talk I didn’t know what I wanted to do I mean everybody in the world knew what they wanted to do but me and uh so I left home I mean um uh you know if you don’t know what you’re going to do and you leave home they won’t know you don’t know what you’re going to do they’ll think you’re doing it and uh so I left home and back then uh you know the way you left home was you join the service all men went into the service it wasn’t if it was where and when those were the the things and and so I I took my very first inventory I I stood in front of the mirror I took my shirt off and I flexed my muscles and I turned sideways and stuck my chest out and what I was 5′ 1 in tall and I weighed 113 lb whatever else I was I was a Born Killer so um so I joined the Marine Corps and uh just oh my parents I was 17 they had a sign for me my mother just about had a nervous breakdown she cried all night you know she and all night she kept saying Scott they’ll kill him and my dad kept saying don’t worry Pat they won’t take them you know so the next morning with that boat of confidence uh we got in a taxi cab and went to the bus to the bus station in Wheeling West Virginia and I I took a bus from Wheeling West Virginia to Pittsburgh and it’s the second longest trip I’d ever been on it was 60 miles and uh and and I was terrified I didn’t know anything about anything you know and it was a real bad year and they took you if you had a pulse and uh so that afternoon I was sworn in a Marine Corps now you heard some pretty disparaging words about the Marine Corps last night uh something to do with vaner IAL disease and things like that I feel it fair to point out a few things okay now I was in the Marine Corps for four years okay I never caught of aerial disease I got drunk before you did what you do to catch the theer dis but but I knew a lot of guys who did have theer disease and and we talked about this for a long time every guy would go to a Navy Corman they’d come back and say I have a venial disease we finally figured it out the cormen were giving guys venial disease when they were giving them uh uh physicals so that’s how Marines get veneral disease I just that’s one of the subjects Ruby didn’t cover this morning so I thought I’d throw it in uh so uh I guess that in circumcision I just got at anyway um that um that evening um that you know I never knew what to do I I don’t know about you but I never knew what to do and I thought everybody else did it wasn’t until I got to AA that I found out you didn’t know what to do either but but I always thought you knew what to do it’s like you understood the big picture and I never did and uh so I sort of watched you and I did what you did right after you did I was fast see you probably even CL I was doing it with you but it was just right after you and um and and and so these guys we get sworn in and stuff and we’re standing around there four of us me and three guys from Pittsburgh who had the big picture and they said Hey kid we’re thinking about going over and getting a sandwich and a beer I was think I said I was thinking exactly the same thing why don’t we go together they said all right so we went over to the This Bar in Pittsburgh and and that’s where my life changed and you know if you’re alcohol you can know exactly what I mean I mean I I went into this place and it’s fill with real men you know the kind you know they had tattoos and stuff you know they all had real women with them real women hang around with real men you know you know you know I knew that and um and I followed them I followed him over and I sat down you know and and a bartender came over he’s a real man he said what do you want and I thought oh my God a quiz you know I always knew that when you least expected it somebody was is going to say take out a blank sheet of paper put your name in the upper left hand corner Y and uh and I I studied a lot but I always studied the wrong stuff I always felt like I and uh and I don’t know what to say so I watched the other guys and they ordered a beer so I did too you know years later a psychologist was to say to me why do you think you drank in the first place you know how they scratch their chin you know and I thought that’s got to be important you know so I I remember I I went I got a P of scotch went down by the stream I I drank a pit of scotch wondering why I drank in the first place and went to a bar by this time I was hanging out in hillbay joints on Indian Head Highway in Maryland and uh and and uh and I said to the guy sitting me well tell me sir why do you think you drank in the first place get the hell out of here he said you I all right okay and and I could never figure it out and I found came here and I found out that it didn’t matter why I drank What mattered was what happened to me when I drank and what happened to me that night was I was liberated for the very first time Vince beautifully last night uh I was liberated I uh somewhere between the second and third drink I saw the big picture for the first time in my life and I remember saying it’s so simple why didn’t I see it before it’s been right there the whole time I just missed it and I stood up I didn’t mean to stand up I couldn’t keep from standing up I was about 6′ 4 in tall and I weigh 220 PBS and you know the muscles were Rippling through my body and tugging in my shirt it was unbelievable you know I looked around and my heart broke this bar was filled with a bunch of pathetic snbl little men and you know all of them had women with them were looking at me with those Hungry Eyes you know how they do it you know and it’s incredible and I just instant knowledge it was just illuminated it was amazing to me and I spent the rest of the night going from table to table filling these people in I mean I answered questions they hadn’t thought up yet I was I was absolutely brilliant and somewhere around 11:00 at night or a train left at midnight and somewhere around 11:00 at night I said we had to leave and it seemed to me they were saying please don’t go we’ve just discovered you that’s the way it seemed and I said no I have to go and make the world safer democracy and and uh so we went we got on a train and and presumably the Marine Corps provided me with a Pullman coach they must have cuz I woke up the next morning in a Pullman coach well actually I was lying on the floor the Pullman coach and uh someone had wet the floor I was lying on and uh and whoever it was he had wet me too I I don’t know what and uh and again I was 5′ 1 in tall and I weigh 113 lbs and again I was terrified and I changed clothes which was a good move and uh and I got off the train and uh the guys were waiting for me on a platform and they said hey look we’re going to go over have a few beers for breakfast you want to join us and I said that’s just exactly what I was thinking and so I I went over there and uh and and that night that night I fell off the train and a little village right over here called yamy and um somebody moved a bottom step or something I don’t know exactly what happened but but I fell across a next set of railroad tracks and there was a very rude man there they had sent to greet us and um and he was furing obscenities at myself and the other young men who went down there to die for their country and and and I remember getting up and I tried to explain to this Craton that that he’d probably do a lot better if uh he treat us with a little respect and you know he was so limited he never really grasped exactly what it was I was trying to say to him and and uh they say that you can learn from any experience and I got to tell you what I learned that night was you can do a lot of push-ups drunk that’s what I learned that night you and you can do push-ups and throw up at the same time I’ll tell you that and um and so that that the next morning night grits grits for the first time I was telling some friends about I never saw grits before I don’t know what the hell grits were you know so I did what any normal Yankee would do I put uh sugar and milk on them and this this Craton looked at me and said you’re going to go far boy you’re going to go far and uh so uh so I was launched into the Marine Corps and I I must say that um that uh it was I loved the Marine Corp I really did it sounds crazy but I absolutely loved it I you know there are fewer people in the barracks than there were in my house and uh and AD drenal instructors didn’t couldn’t even carry a nun’s rosary beads I mean they were easy compared to the nuns and and but most of all for the very first time in my life this say I’m strange but for the very first time in my life I knew precisely what was expected of me I never knew my job description until I joined the Marine Corps they’re very clear about what’s expected of you and they aren’t a bit hesitant about sharing it with you and and and I loved it I loved everything about it and I grew a few inches and gained a few pounds and you know I just and I grab graduated from parason and with dress blu’s award and outstanding man’s award I mean I really took that I was the only guy in that whole platoon that just loved it and I was going to stay for 100 years if they’ let me the problem was that I had alcoholism and and let me tell you what having alcoholism means tonight it means that that I’ll fall in love with a way of life tremendously enthusiastic about life and every alcoholic I know it’s just tremendously enthusiastic about life and then gradually or not so gradually I began to violate every principle associated with being in the Marine Corps before my four years or over I had earned an opportunity to go author’s candidate school and I turned it down and got out because within four years I violated every principle associated with being a marine up to including leading a compat patrol in a blackout you know we took fire I don’t remember but fortunately nobody has hurt so I violated virtually every principal associate and what I’d do then is I’d leave that way of life and then i’ blame them for what had happened to me and that’s my alcoholism it lasted 12 years uh in that 12 years I did more damage than I think a human being ought to be allowed to do to the people close to me uh I uh joined many areas of life including marriage and I violated every principle associated with Dame Mar when when uh my first daughter Kelly was born she had a good sense to be born in a daytime so I was sober but when my second daughter Kimberly was born she was three months premature and uh and I was passed out on a the living room floor and uh and my wife had thrown water on me to try to wake me up and she couldn’t so in a panic she got to neighbors so when I I came to I was laying in my underwear watching the test pattern and the neighbor standing there looking at me I was just infuriated and uh and and I knew that that if if she’d had that baby on time I’d have been all right and uh you know she’d have waited till I was all right she’d have carried that baby for 2 and 1/2 years and um but you know the amazing thing was I worked at a great teaching hospital at the time and and and I got her in a car and we raced I was drunk and we raced across Washington DC with the flashers going and all the drama that had drunk can generate and I got her to the emergency room and and I began to demand that they take care of my wife I directed the genetics units at this Laboratories at this place I began to demand that they take care of my wife I think of how mortified she was terrified to begin with having this baby almost 3 months early and she’s mortified having this drunken husband who was arrogant and and everything and and uh and and so the baby was born and weigh about 2 lbs or a little less than two lbs and uh and and I went home and went to bed and as soon as I went to bed the phone rang and it was her and she was crying and said the baby has high membrane disease and they don’t expect her to live would you please come back I remember how angry I was I felt put out I didn’t know how to handle these things my father knew how to do these things he knew how to be a father I didn’t know how to be a father I didn’t know how to be a husband I didn’t know any of these things and I went back back and and a a a wonderful physician a girl I’d gone to high school with um was a chief resident in the neonatal nursery and and uh uh and it was a a wonderful physici there who headed that service and and three years or three days before Kimberly was born they they bought a experimental machine it was the first one on the east coast it’s called a negative respirator very common now but it was a developed I think at UCLA and and it was the very first one they had on the east coast and they had come in 3 days before was born and a day or so before she was born they came in on their own time with an engineer and they put it together and uh and David this doctor said to me my wife by this time was in a State of Shock she looked like thousand yards staring and and David said to me um would you mind Keith if we put her on this he said I don’t think she’ll live and if she does live I think she’ll be because of lack of oxygen but you mind if we put her on the machine and they knew I wouldn’t sue them cuz I worked and uh and I said do whatever you feel you need to do and then I found out what had happened to me uh how how low I had sunk I our offices were were across the hall from the neonatal nursery and I sat in there at night and I didn’t drink for a few days and and I sat in there at night and and and I kept the door slightly a jar and sat in the dark and I watched this little kid struggle for every light every breath and these little kids retract what they call retract and they actually lift off their little mattresses in these things and uh and I was there the 72 hours is a critical time and and I was there watching when my uh when my wife went into this nursery and baptized her little baby because they didn’t think she’d lived through the and I couldn’t go to them I couldn’t go to him and I hated myself I sat there and loathed myself for what I had become the coward that I become and and I went downstairs to to Chaple and and and I I got in front of the Tabernacle and I hadn’t been there in a while I had been there in a long time I religion or my alcoholism cost me my religion too and I got on my knees in front of the Tabernacle when I was a little kid this was a special place for me cuz I knew that even when I couldn’t talk plain God understood me and I got in front of the Tabernacle and I begged him to let this little girl liveed and I said I’ll do anything if you’ll let her live anything if you’ll let her live I’ll stop drinking and I was drunk in less than 24 hours I drank when I thought drinking would kill my little baby and I could not drink you it’s um it’s a a great philosopher and mathematician glaz Pasqual Frenchman who uh probably the last good Frenchman but uh a Frenchman who uh who uh uh said something that that sort of fit me he said uh God created man in his own image and unfortunately man returned the favor and I had created a God in my own image that was a god who would kill a little baby because her father was sick and uh God didn’t kill this little baby and and and she survived and it’s absolutely miraculous and and she’s uh 28 years old and uh she’s not she’s a gra she’s an honored graduate from Auburn University I always I always point out to her that you I think you can be a graduate an honored graduate from Auburn and still be but uh uh she and her husband uh claim not uh he’s a dentist now he doesn’t work on my teeth but he’s a dentist and uh and they live in a little town in Alabama DNE Alabama and this great kids and and uh this Christmas this Christmas they presented uh Julie and I with a little granddaughter and uh I’m glad that uh God’s not sick like me uh um you know you can’t you can’t live like that and and uhu and and survive and and and my uh my wife knew that uh it wasn’t safe for me to be around the kids I one day I needed a drink badly and and my wife wasn’t there and I left four-month-old kid in a crib to go because I needed a drink and and on and on and uh and I I knew I was just hopeless I knew that was if a guy can’t stop drinking to save his child’s life how can he stop drinking and and I she asked me to leave and and I was greatly relieved um I I could no longer carry the responsibilities even poorly and and I was just greatly relieved she asked me to leave and I packed two bags and I went to where I needed to go and uh and that was the skido section of Washington DC and um and during that six six months I I remember the one time that I remember seeing her was uh was Thanksgiving day I didn’t know it was Thanksgiving and and I got up and you you know the drill I I woke up in a room I didn’t recognize is next to a warm body you know I remember my first thought was God let her be a woman that was my first thought you you know I mean you know there times when you’ll settle for a little and uh and then and then you know and then you you went through the embarrassment of acting like you remembered and she didn’t remember and I didn’t remember and I got out and got dressed you know that sick feeling that loome depress and condemnation and I was walking down the street I went by a free clinic in Georgetown and and the woman asked me I wanted a coule coffee and I got a cup of coffee and and she said to me Happy Thanksgiving and I realized it was Thanksgiving and I I I went down the street to find the pay phone and and there was there was a two couples standing on a corner of Wisconsin and M Street in Georgetown and they were standing there talking and I walked up to them and stood with them and they looked at me I didn’t think they could see me I I didn’t think that I was present to them I don’t know if you know what I mean and uh and it just sort of looked at me and I was embarrassed and I walked away and I found a phone and I called my strange wife and said uh could I come out for Thanksgiving and she said if you don’t drink you can come here at 6:00 so 6:00 I didn’t drink all day and at 6:00 I went out and knocked on the door and and she opened the door and gave me a bag of turkey sandwiches and closed the door and I uh and I got a six-pack and I I went to the park and set on a curb in the park and uh and ate my turkey sandwiches and drank my beer and that was the last social Gathering that I’d been and um and I know how hard it was for her to do that I know how hard it was for her to even give me a sandwich to what I had done to her I brutalized her emotionally physically every way you could you think I robbed her of everything that mattered and uh and uh and I went to where I needed to go and and one day I I won’t talk about drinking you know how to drink but uh one day I I got up and it was over and it’s just over I always used to think suicide was a big deal but you know for an alcoholic it’s just an next thing um I kind of think that that that I’d pay whatever it cost to go to Pittsburgh because I never forget that night in Pittsburgh that first night and and you know one day I was in the NCO Club and and uh and I said give me a double scotch and the guy guy said that’ll be 70 cents in your Marine Corps career and I thought well that’s about right so I paid it and you know one day I probably wanted a bottle of Jin or something and I said you know give me a bottle of tankor raage J and he said well it’ll that’ll be $8 and your wife and your children I thought well that’s about right you know to to get to Pittsburgh and then one day I’m living in the skid R section of Washington DC and and and I don’t know and I bought something who knows what and and uh and he said uh you know it’ll be your life and I thought well that’s about right it’s just the next thing it’s the next price that’s all and um and I went on May the 13th 1973 I went in to what pass to the bathroom where I was living in front of here and Mike remembers that place well and uh and and I said aloud had all these pills I was going to take and I never took pills I worked in hospitals and they gave me a bunch of pills and I never took them uh Brenda thinks that’s the saddest story she ever heard but I just never took them and um and I decided I’d take them all and um and I said aloud you know you’re 29 years old and at least it will be over and this woman’s voice outside of me and startled me said when you’re 29 it’s not supposed to be over and I remember remembered that my ex-wife had given me a phone number when I left and uh she said I can’t help you maybe these people can and she gave me two numbers and I ran out and I pulled the drawer out and everything fell on the floor and I found one of the numbers and I called it it was a little Treatment Center outside of Washington DC now I know there are people stand at podiums people who don’t have an opinion on outside issues who criticize treatment centers but I’m not one of them because if that place hadn’t been there I I’m convinced I’d be dead and and a woman answered the phone and she knew precise especially how to talk to me she knew exactly how to talk to me and she knew I was suicidal and and she asked me for my phone number and she said I’ll call you right back and I know the trick the trick was to find out my phone number so they could trace me and she called me back and and uh she told me that I could come in 3 days then she said a strange thing to me do you need trouble stopping drinking and uh do you do you need help stopping drinking do you think you have trouble and I thought I don’t know what she’s talking about I’d never stopped and I found out what she’s talking about I heard those things and saw those things and how you get some money and and for three days I heard B toan’s Fifth Symphony lovely piece of music but not for 3 days and uh and it was coming out of the strangest places like i’ park my car and i’ go to put I’d put money in the parking meter in fate Tobin’s Fifth Symphony I said wow it’s worth a quarter you know and I went to the bank to get some loan on an alcoholic car and uh and and I’m listening and I’m listening and I’m you know really getting into it and I real ized they didn’t have musac I was the only one who was hearing this beautiful music and then I saw those things out of the corner of your eye it would dart out and that sort of thing and and somehow I knew that the end of 3 days that it was up and and I got in my car and I and I drove out to this place and it it was 30 Mi away and Mike and I driven it many many times but that morning it took me 6 hours to drive 30 mil because I had what they used to call the Running fits now we call them anxiety attacks but then there were the running fits and uh and I wet my pants and I threw up and I I could only go for about a mile and I’d start to shake and and everything and uh and and it took me a long time to get out there and I finally got out there and and that night they put me on a bus and took me to a place called alcoholic synonymous and you know like Brenda I never knew alcoholic synonymous existed I never knew it I never knew a thing about I thought it was an old organization my ex-wife had found an old book in a in the trash room uh alcoholics synonymous and I thought it was a history of an organization that existed in the 30s but they learn so much more since then and they get away with them and um so they put me on a bus and take me to alcoholic synonymous and and then my life changed it was like my trip to Pittsburgh um and I never forget uh there was a man standing at the door strange guy you know sort of an obnoxious kind of guy you know look you in the eye you know the kind there a lot of them around here you know look in the eye I was a shoe guy I looked at shoes but uh but this guy’s looking in the eye and he’s shaking my hands and know he said and he shook my hand I triy to look away like he had two heads every place I looked he’s looking me in the eye and he said a strange thing to me he said you know son he said uh you keep first he said you’re new aren’t you and I thought my God he’s psychic you know and then he said if you keep coming here you never have to drink again and I wanted to scream at him what do you know I’m a guy who drinks when he thinks drinking will kill his kid what do you know he knew what I didn’t know and that is that the god of M my understanding put me here because with you I don’t have to drink again and from that day till this one you’ve kept your promise by the grace of God and a fellowship of Alcoholics synonymous and a series of pretty mean sponsors um one I share with Wallace and uh and Mark and a few others I don’t have to drink and um and and it began an odyssey and if you’re kind of knew um you know I don’t expect you to believe this because I would never have believed it I I admire anybody who’s sober a week and can sit in a room I couldn’t sit in a room I couldn’t be around people a week I mean I just couldn’t do it I mean I’d be hanging from the ceiling someplace or something so I’d really admire you being here but if you don’t remember anything else please remember that all of us were sober one week Wallace who sober 34 years was sober one week once and I was sober once and all the people you see here are members of Alcoholics Anonymous have been sober for one week we wouldn’t lie about something as precious as that we couldn’t lie if we weren’t sober I mean we could lie but nobody believe us you know and we couldn’t show up here and not fight and things like that so so please believe that something that happens here is very very special now that you don’t catch it like like going to a COR and catching venial disease you don’t do that you you have to do what Benin said last night you know you have to you have to work these steps you have to become part of this this thing and if you don’t want to be that that’s normal because because I was isolated I I was really isolated and and people would ask silly questions like what do you like I had no idea what I liked I I knew what I thought I was supposed to like but I had no idea of what I like and and and what I did was I I immersed myself in alcoholic synonymous and and and I finally got a sponsor I I like Vince was one of those people who waited to get a sponsor and the old-timers won’t leave you oh one guy kept saying to me said uh you got a sponsor yet and I said no not yet he said why I said well frankly I’ve been waiting to find someone I can relate to back in the early’ 70s Vince tell you relate was important and uh and he said you want someone to relate to go to a bar he said if you want to he said what you need to do is find a man you want to be like if and when you grow up and ask him to be your sponsor I thought well wonder what I do to offend this man you know that’s the way the old-timers were uh and I’ll tell you if you’re new let me well it is an honest program uh let me caution you stay away from the old-timers okay I mean it right stay away guys like Mike and and Vince and guys and wall guys like that stay away from them they’re not nice people they’re really not and they I’m telling you the truth and and uh and and they they say things that just aren’t true they say stuff like I go to AA cuz I need need to that’s a lie they don’t need to go to AA the only reason they go to AA is the only enjoyment they get out of life is watching people like you and me suffer this the truth it’s true if you don’t believe me go up the mil after the meeting and tell him a problem you know what he’ll do he’ll laugh you know he’ll the first thing he’ll do is he’ll laugh you know and if you really want to make your date tell them a problem related to sex they love problems related to sex and their answer is always the same no sex you know they’re don’t having sex anymore they don’t want us to have it either and they always you always speak you in Parables you ever notice that they always speak you in Parables you know say well you know look uh I can’t sleep at night you know the world moves slowly yeah right and uh I remember I used to go to this old fool I don’t know why I I I I just a sucker for punishment but I go to this old fool with my problems and he’d just get the biggest kick out of and I was I was impotent when I got uh when I got sober it happens to a lot of men and uh and I wasn’t happy about it um I mean I can’t drink in this too and uh I went to this guy and I him and hard fun he said what’s the problem I said it that’s the problem Oh I loved it he said I happened to alarm us it’ll get better I said when I thought it was important you know and he said what do you got a fool social calendar you so then I go to the same idiot you think I’d learn you know I go to the same idiot with another problem and he said you got a lot of problems don’t you I said I really do I said I have thousands of problems he said well I’ll tell you what you I want you to do he said I want you to borrow a lipstick from one of the girls he said I don’t want you doing anything elsewh girls he said oh that’s right you can’t so I want you to borrow a li I want you to go home r on the mirr keep you are wrong I said I can’t do that you see my problem is I have a poor self-image and I need to be affirmed don’t ever talk that way on all time they hadn’t read any of those books you know and so I went and I bought it to a lipstick I didn’t want to owe anything to anybody especially a woman right guys and and so I went home and I wrote on a mirror keth you were wrong and I threw the threw it away I was just disgusting these people are nuts they’re insane you know and I went to bed and I had a normal night remember a normal night at 60 days oh you know I lay down and closed my eyes and for the first time that night my head woke up you know take off you know and it was talking to me and never going to make it they’re going to find out you’re crazy that’s your problem and all this stuff you you’re going to be alone the rest of your life what difference does that make you’re impotent and you know you know I finally drift off to sleep you know and then remember the leg cramps oh I’d be jumping up and down beside the bed with leg camps and then 15 minutes before I had to get up I go sound as sleep you know and it would take three alarm clots to wake me up everybody in the neighborhood got up when I got up and uh but my mind was still working and it was saying you’re going to go to work today and they’re going to find out you don’t know how to do your job you what difference does it make you’re hopelessly in debt you know just a normal stuff and and I when I started a coughing he just wanted to slash my wrist you know and I went in the bathroom it looked under the mirror and it said Keith you’re were wrong I said well thank God cuz if I’m right I’m in a hell of a lot of trouble and I just lost it and I began to scream in a phone well Mr Fullbright scholar one of us is leaving here in a few minutes and the other one’s going to go back to a cell and get locked up and and Dan thought it was a little inappropriate and he he was trying to take the phone away from me but I wasn’t finished and um and I got down on my knees cradle in the phone and I’m screaming at this guy and and uh and the other guest started looking in our cubicle to see what was going on and um finally the guards came over they were curious about what was happening Dan finally got the phone away from me and he said to the guy yeah I’ll come back tomorrow yeah yeah yeah I’ll come alone I’ll come alone H up the phone and I just knew I was going to be drummed out of Alcoholics Anonymous I knew it and and so we left and I’m waiting I’m just waiting you know and he’s not saying anything you know they’ll make you crazy and so finally I got over to the car and I said to him that was pretty bad wasn’t it D you know what he said he said you know Keith he said I’ll be honest with you he said most guys wouldn’t have done it that way you said to me you’ll discover that we all develop our own technique and alcoholic synonymous I never heard another thing about it you know never heard another thing about it early on I figured out about sponsors I a sponsor’s job is to find out the desire of your heart and then not let you do it that’s you know that’s what they’re designed to do and and uh and and I was working I I had I was working and I was working my way out of a deep hole at Georgetown University and and and and I was again in charge of experimental design and and and that sort of thing for the genetics punch and and and I and I was just sort of working my way back in and they were just wonderful to me they couldn’t have been nicer to me and um a a matter of fact the chairman of the department was a member of our fellow ship and I didn’t know it until I I I was gone from the University kept the anonymity very closely guarded but but uh but it was just wonderful he arranged for me to do a scholar he got me a scholarship so and I didn’t know his name at the time I was sober about a year and he called me to his office and of course it was to fire me you didn’t never go to any Chairman’s office unless you’re going to get fired and he told me what a wonderful job he was doing and he said I’d love to give you a raise keepy but the wage and price freezes in and um he said so what I want to do is give you this instead it was a full tuition scholarship I could have gone to medical school or anything and the desire of my heart was to study philosophy and I was at Georgetown University and so I took a degree in philosophy and Theology and uh had to work at the same time but what the hell and you weren drinking you know just working and going to school full times a piece of cake if you’re not drinking and all I do is go to seven meetings a week and I mean it was just it was easy and um compared to the life I’ve been living and uh and and but I I sober about three months and I got a letter from a man his name was Jerome ler he died last year and he’s probably one of the greatest U cytologists who ever lived just an extraordinary man he wrote me and invited me to come to his laboratory at University of Paris Medical School in France to study and I knew that my sponsor wouldn’t let me go because it’s something I really wanted to do so I was just going to turn it down and I thought no hell give me a chance so we went to lunch you know and after I paid I didn’t have the money but I paid and and after lunch I gave him this letter and he read it and his eyes filled up with tears and he said my God this is wonderful and I said you mean I can go and he said you have to go he said this isn’t about you he said the best you can do is crap your pants in a skid Road dive and you know on Harvard Street he said he said this is about alcoholic synonymous he said the difference between Keith then 3 months ago and Keith now is alcoholic synonymous he said this isn’t for you he he said this is so all of us in alcoholic synonymous can celebrate the miracle of recovery and I said I didn’t think you’d let me go he said you have to go and he said and let me tell you something I never forgotten this and if you’re new please hear this he said Keith you can do anything in this world as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous if you prepare properly and we began to prepare properly for me to go to France and study and on New Year’s Day 1974 planes settled through the clouds in nor the airport the first time ever been on a a a plane silver and uh and we’re settling through the clouds in dly airport and I’m glad I was by myself in a corner seat because I couldn’t keep from crime and that day I walked the streets of freem man I’d been embarrassed before but I couldn’t leave the bar in the hotel I was standing I couldn’t get past the bar and I was there a couple months and wouldn’t you believe it just what a coincidence my sponsor came through town and uh and we took it train ride down to to U down to SRA to see the beautiful cathedral and uh and he taught me a great lesson about fear I this tremendous fear of heights and um and and I thought that the way you dealt with fear was you were Brave you know you kept it a secret then you got Brave and that’s how you you you dealt with the fear of heights and and and he was telling me that we could go to the top of this cathedal on a catwalk and look down and see This Magnificent thing and and right away my heart stopped and I began to get Brave you know when I was in the Marine cor I was afraid of height so I didn’t tell anybody and I I try to go to jump school cuz I figure you jump out airplanes you won’t be afraid of heights and and I busted a kidney a few months before that overcoming another fear so uh um they wouldn’t let me go to jump school so I went to mountain climbing school so I spent a month in a Sierra Nevada in the middle of winter repelling off the sides of cliffs drunk and a guy I’m repelling with said I’m not climbing with you anymore you’re drunk and I said I’m a hell of a lot better off drunk than I am terrified and uh I said we’re both lucky he said I’m not lucky enough to climb with you anymore I’m so and what I discovered was that being brave isn’t the solution to fear I always thought it was it isn’t being brave you know I started to get Brave and then I stopped because I’ve been a member of alcoholic sys for a little over six months now and I knew there was a different way to do things and I said to Dan I said Dan I can’t go up there because I’m afraid of heights and he said oh you got the old afraid of heights problem I said a lot of us have had that I said really he said oh yeah a lot of us had that he said you know you don’t have to go up there I said it doesn’t matter he said or here’s a novel concept you can go part way he said or you can go until you’re afraid and then you can take my hand and that’s how we did it I went until I was afraid and I took his hand and we went to the top and and everything that I’ve done as a member of alcoholic synonymous I’ve done it because I’ve taken someone’s hand and gone to the top I could do nothing before I met you nothing except make big plans and talk big and make EXC excuses who why it didn’t work and you know the thing if you’re new the thing about alcoholic synonymous you don’t have a problem we can’t we can’t help you with and you don’t have a problem you know we may refer you to somebody who knows more about it but you don’t have a problem it’s going to shock us into to to asking you to do anything but to keep coming back and that’s the truth and I mean I don’t care what your problem is there’s nothing that’s going to scare us off because we need you here you know I I remember one time I had such thinking problems when I got over I me my brain just wouldn’t work I was driving to work one day it’s a true story I forgot where I work I Serv for about two months and I forgot where I work and I Tred to remember and the more I tried to remember the crazier gut and everything you know and I had Dan’s phone number he made me carry it in a card he taped a dime to the card he made me carry it and and and so I called him and I didn’t want him to think that I was as sick as I was because I didn’t think he wanted to sponsor a guy with problems you know so so he answered the phone and and and I said good morning Dan he said Keith is that you and I said yeah he said what’s the problem I said no problem Dan I was wondering how you’re doing he said I’m fine Keith he said what’s all that noise I said I’m calling you from a phone booth he said tell me buddy did your car break down I said no car’s fine I was just wondering how you’re doing and he said Keith what’s the problem I said well it’s it’s not a real big problem Dan it’s I just can’t seem to remember where I work and uh so he said to me he said oh you got the old can’t remember where work problem said a lot of us have had that you know so then he said to me he said um he said that’s scary I know he said it’s scary he said but he said you know you done great damage he said the book says that we it’s a very unnatural thing to pour that much alcohol in our brains and he said he said but I wanted you to know he said you’re going to be okay and he said you know your brain’s going to readjust and you’ll be okay and he said one day you’ll laugh at this things I you you sure he said I’m positive he said may I make a suggestion I said anything I’m honest willing and open-minded and he said if you ever have this problem again keithy said if you can just remember to look on the front bumper of your car you have a parking permit for the University and I remember thinking where do these people learn these things they make it look so easy you know down here let me um let me talk a a little bit about about the steps and and I want to talk in particular about uh about the the eighth and ninth step um you know there’s just so much this time next month I by the grace of God and fellowship of alcoholic synonymous I’ll be sober 25 years and that that just can’t happen and and I never planned to stay here 25 years I mean I really didn’t because I didn’t know about this here if I had have known that this was a treasure Trove of of of great wealth that it is I I would have made plans to stay here but they weren’t my plans to stay here what I do is I fall in love with who and what you are and I just aspire to be like you that’s all and and and one of the things that you do to be free is to do the steps and and and and you know and I I I had some people on my AEP list and I wanted to talk just for a couple minutes about this if I could please sir one of the people on my AEP list was Dum Denny and um and uh some years ago I took a I drove he was then living in Jersey now lives in Northern California but I drove from Washington up to New Jersey to have a talk with with Dum Denny and uh and we began to talk and his wife Jan knew that this was a different kind of talk and she excused herself and went to bed and and I I was able to tell him how how sorry I was for the way I had criticized him and and I said anytime that I found any flaw in you at all I said I broadcast it to the family I said I I detracted from you and I said uh I said you you look so good you know you did everything once and uh you know you’re such a successful guy and everything and I I always felt you know I always envied you and I always felt so inadequate around you and I said what I’ve done the last 6 months is just the opposite I told him all the good things that are true about you and and I stand ready to do anything else I can do to prepare the friendship that we once had I played second base and jny played shortstop and we were a wonderful com double play combination we were wonderful brothers and uh and and he just started to laugh he said you know if if you owe me an amends then I owe you an amends and he said all my life I’ve envied you he said all my life I’ve been afraid he said I’ve been afraid to change Majors I’ve been afraid to do these things and he said he said I always envid you Keith he said you never gave a about anything he said if things weren’t going well in one country You’ go to another country and he said you went to Skid Row and you came back he said you lost your wife and your children when we came back he said he said the strength and the fortitude and the character that you portray to me he says it’s beyond anything I’ve ever experienced and I discovered that we weren’t good and bad we’re just different and now we’re best friends and we play golf together as a matter of fact last year we won as golden putter uh uh Championship out of this club and old guys never win that I mean young guys from Stanford win that and uh and we wanted I mean we just whooped up on those young guys you know and uh and uh and it was like the old days when we won championships together and things like that it was incredible and and then you know I grew up in this church and and and this church was so very very important to me and when I came to alcoholic synonymous I was one of those people who was religiously anti-religious you know the kind and uh waiting for somebody to defend me and by talking about God and um and and my sponsor pointed out to me that I had a pretty negative attitude about organized religion and I used to think I used to say I don’t like organized religion the truth was I was wasn’t a pope if I’d have been a pope I’d have Lov to organized religion you know and um so I put religion on my my AEP list and I went down to a little Retreat Center uh where Mike and I would go quarterly for Retreats and and and I I went looking for this young Theologian who would understand the significance of this incredibly humble act that was about to perform and uh and I couldn’t find him and what I found instead was an old old priest who was sitting in his rocking chair walking back and forth in his room he was reading his bravery and I knocked on his door and said father can I talk to you for a minute his name is Jim and and he said come in come in and I said down in a rocking chair across from him and I talked to him about about alcoholic synonymous I I talked to him about about the kids that that I had lost and and and everything and I talked to him about where I’d gone and but most of all I talked to him about how how I ridiculed people like him because I was afraid of them and how I blasphemed the church and and blasphemed God and everything and uh and I got about halfway through and the guy put his book down and he he got up and he pulled me out and he began to Pat me and he began to cry and he said son he said please stop he said I was just asking he said I have a disease that’s going to allow me to go home soon and he said I was just asking God as I understand him where I missed it and he said he sent you he said too often I stayed with the 99 who agreed with me and I didn’t have I didn’t go after the one that was lost lost he said I’m sorry you had to be out there all alone and what I know about the eighth and nth step is it isn’t about me I’m very concerned about some of the things I see in alcoholic synonymous I’m not going to give a lecture believe me but one of the things I’m concerned about is people think that it’s about coming here to get better for me and it’s not it’s about coming here to to become spiritually fit so I can carry the message of Alcoholics and and I carried a message to a holy man who spent 50 years as a priest doing the right thing and God would pick a dirt PA like me carry the message to a holy man amazes me and then I was free to be in that church or not be in that church as I chose to be prior to that day I wasn’t free to do that I made amends to God I put on a three-piece suit I went to Little Chapel and I sit down I just told God the truth just told him the truth and I left there knowing I was loved beyond belief see I’m the Prince of a king I went to my father my father is one of those guys who never told me he love me that’s what was wrong with me mother had a square nipple and father never told me he love me and uh and and it took me years I’d go to to make amends to my father and and but in a few minutes I’d be in a rage I used drive from Washington to Ohio to make amends in a few minutes I’d be in a rage and i’ i’ I’d drink half a cup of coffee and I’d storm out of the house get in the car and drive back to Washington and my father used to say to my mother I’m worried about that boy he drives a long way for a cup of coffee and uh and then suddenly uh suddenly one day I knew it was the right time and and and I didn’t know what I owed him an AM men’s for I know I’d worried him and I’d done all those things and and i’ called him names and I’d done all those things once I almost hit him uh unfortunately I didn’t and uh but but I knew what I owed him amends for and and he was talking to me and he said Su you remember your first job and I said yeah I said I work in the bowling alley I said pinned and he said you remember the first day you went to work and I said no and he said um I took you to Lou hot dog stand we had lunch together he said do you remember what you ate and I said I’m going to go out on a limb dad a hot dog and uh and he said of course you had a hot dog he said you remember what you drank and I said well I always drank orange pop he said not Dad day said that day you had a root beer he said I drank root beer and I think you thought men who drank or work drank root beer and he said and I explained to you what it was like to be a good day’s work for a good day’s wage and that you owed your you owed your boss respect and he owed you respect and and he said I explained it all to you and he said you were such a frail little boy and he said I was terrified and he said well you had to get on the bus to go to the next town to work and you said I said to you son you want me to go with you on the first day and you said to me no thanks Dad I’ll do it myself and he said you got on the bus he said I watched the bus till it was out of sight and he never looked back and I realized that I robbed this man of what he did best and that was to be a father he said to me he said you never ever needed me for anything he said from then on you bought all your own clothes you paid your own way he said he said all your brothers and sisters who went to college and graduate school he said they all let me help them he never bought a car until the last kid was out of college he said you let you let they let me help him but you never you did it all on your own and I thought my God I’m sorry that I robbed you of what you did best and a few months later I needed to borrow a couple thousand and from that day till this we’ve been like that you know if you’re new to alcoholic synonymous if you’ll stay with us I can promise you great things will come to pass things you can’t understand my mother who uh who was such a wonderful woman and like I say she passed away and and she died what some people would call a horrible death because she suffered greatly for 6 months she didn’t see it as a horrible death she believed that everything that we do is a prayer and particularly suffering and she offered her suffering that her children would come back to God those who were away and she raised 11 of her own kids and they raised kids who had no place else to go on their 50th wedding anniversary they had U they had 11 children um 20 grandchildren and 20 great-grandchildren and uh imom uh died at home and and um and uh my sisters and brothers took care of her and Julie and I would get up when we could my brother Larry is also in the fellowship lives in Wilmington he and I went up one night and we were with her and she loved the rosary and and at night when everybody was asleep I’d come down and pray the rosary aloud and from time to time she would wake up and smile and and then drift back and uh and they put the picture of all the kids and everything on the wall and and she would look at that and smile and and uh and she was pretty Lucid one night and uh my niece who was in The Fellowship ran in and she was all excited because her sponsor was going to be speaking and she said come and hear Barbara speak and I said I said well I thought I’d stay with Mom and my mother said no no no son no no no she said you go to that meeting that’s where you’re supposed to be she said those were the people who brought you back to us she loved alcoholic synonymous and and when I made a men’s to her I asked her what I could do for her she said only one thing would you give me one of those coins that they give you and so every year on May the 13 I’d send her a token and when she listed to things that she wanted in her coffin when she died the thing on the top of the list was my 23-year chip because you brought me back to her my brother Terry who died of alcoholism sounds horrible but it isn’t horrible I saw a guy walk in the streets today and I said to Joy my God it’s Terry the guy was a dead ringer for my brother who was on his streets like I was on his streets and he lived in a basement of places like I lived in a basement of places and 20 years ago he went to alcoholic synonymous and he subber for 90 days but for whatever reason a miracle didn’t happen for Terry what did happen for Terry was that was that I try to make amends to him and and and he’d leave town when I went home and he’d never light me around him and I just yearned to make amends with my brother and uh we went up for the 50th wedding anniversary and I finally got an opportunity because he came to the to the 50th wedding anniversary drunk and and my brothers came to me and said Terry’s here drunk I said of course he’s drunk he’s an alcoholic and uh and they said should we tell him to leave and I said good God no and I imagine Terry sitting down the street remember how it was one more drink and then I’ll go one more drink and then I’ll go I said he must love them a lot to come here like that and I not only made amends to him but I freed my brothers and sisters to love them just the way he was he contracted cancer and ended up in the hospital and I went to see him and and uh and uh I I nobody leave me alone when I go home they’re always hanging around you you know and uh and so I told him I was leaving to go home and and I ran over to the hospital and I spent a couple hours with Terry and and we talked about stuff and he he asked me about the things we grew up with about rosaries and about scapulars and things and I had to have a few and and um and I talked to him about it and and we just talked brother to brother for a couple hours and he let me hug him you know when I studied theology there there’s a concept for those of you who think it’s over you’ve wasted time there’s a concept in Theology and and it has to do with time there are two kinds of time there’s there’s Kronos chronological time which is linear and there’s chyros which is God’s time and God’s time is always now and that’s why in the program they teach us to live in a now you know and and I got to hug my brother Terry he was frail pretty sick by then and pretty wasted Away by cancer but I got to hug them you know how it is when you’re an alcoholic you can’t hug much and I only hugged them for a few seconds but I hugged them forever in God’s time and and when I left we were all right and my family got to take him home and they got to nurse him and take care of him they got to watch him come back into the church that meant so very much to them they got to watch him die with dignity incredible stuff great things will come to pass great things if you join us in this way of life there’s a power that happens and alcoholic synonymous I believe happens no place else don’t get me wrong I don’t make a religion out of alcoholic synonymous alcoholic synonymous is a way of life which frees me up to practice My Religion frees me up to practice my politics frees me up to be a good husband it frees me up to be a father it frees me up to be all the things I want to be I don’t quote the big book like it’s sacred scripture I just don’t do it I guy there’s a guy who who’s all these Bugsy he says don’t you believe it’s God inspired see I think God had a lot to do with writing that book a drunk couldn’t have written it um but he said I think it’s the inspired word of God and uh he said I think they ought to put numbers on it and chapters and things and I said well what would it be I said would the would the pictures would the would the personal stories Be Inspired yes I said well you know after the first edition they threw some of those stories out I said that’s heresy and uh and he said well only the first 164 pages are inspired I said well how about those ones with the i i i i IV V the ones that Mike talked about and I said are they inspired you know guy goes nuts so I I think and we got to be careful about that I think what alcohol is synonymous about it’s a message it’s a way of life that that that we transmit one to another and I’m going to close with this and and I talk too long and I apologize I’m just so excited about being here but but you know one of the things I like to do is we have a teaching hospital and if you have a teaching Hospital go and talk to the interns the young doctors who come and and and I put on a coat ins tie I went over and talked to them about alcoholic synonymous I said you ever get a a patient who wants to talk to someone in alcoholic synonymous I’ll come anytime I got a call from somebody and this little uh little doctor and she said it’s probably a waste of time there’s a man here who won’t talk to anybody but I asked him if he had talked to a member of alcoholic synonymous and he nodded his head she said so if you’re not too busy I said I’ll be right there and I put on a tie and and I went over to our hospital and and and it’s nice little doctor cute little girl and had her you know the the obligatory stethoscope around her neck so you know she was a doctor and uh and not a high school student and uh and uh and so she took me to this guy’s room and she said would you like to see his chart and I said no I don’t think I need his chart I said I want to show him my chart and um so we went to his room and and she was going to make herself comfortable and I said to her would you please excuse me and and it was a man laying in in the bed and and he’s a black fellow and he was laying in the bed he was looking at the ceiling and he didn’t acknowledge my presence and and I pulled up my chair and I said my name’s Keith and and I said I’m a member of alcoholic synonymous I understand you wanted to uh me to come over here and he noded his head and and I began to tell him my story you know that’s all we do we don’t have any answers for anybody I began to tell him my story and and I told him and I I almost died on Harvard Street in Washington DC and his head jerked and he looked at me and he said when was that I said 1973 he said I was living on Columbia Road Washington DC in 1973 I said Ontario liquor you used to go to Ontario liquor store he said yeah and I said Remember the barrel where they had three fifths for $10 the good stuff he said yeah yeah and and I told him I said you know what I used to do I said I used to put on a sport coat and an ascot so nobody would think I was a bum he said I put on a tie and um and I remember I went in there one time I was tell and and I was holding up the bottle you know 3 fths for $10 and I said to the guy behind the counter tell me sir is this a pretty good botka and he said what the hell do you care well get you where you need to go you know and he said that was a nasty guy I said yeah he really was and we started talking and pretty soon and there little interns wandering around back and forth and peeking in the crack of the door you know and this guy’s sitting on the side of the bed and we’re talking as only alcoholics can talk to one another and we’re great friends I mean we’re LIF long friends we’ve known each other we’ve known the degradation and the fear and we’ve known each other forever our whole lives we’ve known one another and we talked and it made me promise to come back and and I said I’ll be back tomorrow and I’ll bring another guy and on and on and and I left and this girl had gathered all the other interns together and they were so excited and she said to mean that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen she said that was magic she said would you do a workshop for us and I said would you be willing to do some homework and she said oh of course I said you got to drink real bad for at least 10 years I was able to say to her this isn’t about learning I said this isn’t it I said you go on and be a great doctor I said because wherever you go all you got to do is get the name of a couple alcoholics a man and a woman who are active members in Alcoholics synonymous your town and let them come and do this we need great Physicians you go be a great physician and let us have the alcoholics I said God doesn’t hasn’t given me many talents but he’s given me the ability to speak to another alcoholic and that’s what you’re going to have if you’re new and you’ll stay here you’ll have the ability to change the life of another human being and once you watch it happen you’ll never go any place else there’s no action like this action again I want to thank you so very much for your kind attention to to my stammering words and and and again I want to thank the committee and everybody Associated here and God bless you and I love you very much thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day