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All right. Um, how do I follow that? Good morning everybody.

My name is Chris Ladic and I'm an alcoholic. And just for the record, I am 46 years old and more than happy to tell you that because I never in my wildest dreams believed I would LIVE THIS LONG. YEAH.

You know, it's like and I'm a sober, happy middle-aged woman now. And I'm like, all right, top that. You know, I my head's still about 12, but that's okay.

Um, you know, my I love my grand sponsor. She says, you know, isn't it a bite going through puberty and menopause at the same time? And I'm like, I GET THAT NOW.

I GET THAT. YOU KNOW, we used to all be standing in the kitchen talking about all the great things we're doing and now everybody's dropping their pants and showing each other the patch. You know, it's like, LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT MINE. YEAH. It's just It's a great life, though.

I I literally cannot believe I'm here. I just can't believe it. Um I have to thank the committee for this unbelievable weekend.

I'm I only have one concern about the way this committee does things and that is they are treating me so good. I will get used to it and I will be go I will go home and I will be intolerable. I will be the princess.

You know, it's like what do you mean you don't have water waiting for me? You know, I'm like so I I'm getting a little spoiled um here this weekend. But it's really nice because I've been through a lot of stuff lately and it's it's so nice to be kind of taken care of and nurtured and loved on.

It's just amazing. Um, so that you don't have any misconceptions that your speaker here this morning has it all together. Um, I'm quite convinced first of all that I'm here at 10:00 in the morning because most of you do not have enough coffee and you yet are half asleep and will forget everything I say by 11:30.

So, I think that's why I'm here at 10:00 because I looked at the lineup of your speakers. Wow, have you guys got a weekend ahead of you. Um, Court's talk last night was fabulous.

But these people literally I that are here this weekend are some of what I thought were the urban legends in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm finding myself getting to meet them and share with them. And you know, I've seen um one of them talk and I've just I've been blessed to be around people like them.

And to me, it's just so huge. It's so amazing. And I I stand here and I think, how did I get here from there?

How did this happen? But I know how it happened. It's the program of action that's laid out in our book that gave me that psychic change that is absolutely necessary for an alcoholic of my type to be happy, joyous, and free.

But to let you know for sure that the girl behind the podium doesn't have it all together, let me share with you. Every morning is an adventure for me. And this morning, I'm washing my face and I get out and I'm I'm in this amazing hotel room, right?

They give me this hotel room that is bigger than the house I'm currently living in. I'm like I keep thinking if I go around another corner and there's another room. I'm, you know, but I'm standing there and I wash my face and I'm drying my face and I'm like, man, this is such a nice hotel, but their towels are lousy.

And I'm rubbing my face. I'm like, what is this? It was the floor mat.

So, there you go. That's what you get. Um, that's what you're hearing this morning, gang.

So, we got all of that out of the way. Any misconceptions? Not only that, much to my surprise, several ladies from back home showed up.

I had no idea. They have apparently lied to me um for weeks now and they pulled it all together and several ladies from Ohio showed up. They're kind of sprinkled all throughout here and I'm just I am absolutely amazed.

Absolutely amazed. But it's what Alcoholics Anonymous does and it's exactly what happens. um get down to some basics here for you.

For some reason, God chose to save me a seat in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous on October 29th, 1994. I say God chose that seat because I certainly didn't. My best thinking, you'll hear where it got me.

Um my sobriety every day, I know, is a gift of grace. Absolute grace. I didn't even know what grace meant before I came in here and did the work.

Um, he also picked out my sponsor. And those of you that were here last night, you heard me say her name is Michael Earl. She has a sponsor.

Polly Pu has a sponsor. H. I also have a loving woman named Fran Nagel in my life.

And she lives in Pittsburgh. And Fran and Michael know everything there is to know about Chris Loudic. There are no secrets.

And let me tell you, when I walked into you, I didn't want anybody to know anything about me. And now it's absolutely imperative for me to stay alive, for these ladies to know everything there is to know about me, you know, and I just feel so blessed. And I also do sponsor women, you know, there's a couple of them here today and it's just what a gift.

What a gift in my sobriety. Um Brandy has brought me far more into my life than I will ever have an opportunity to bring her. that weekend that she talks about that we were held up in that hotel room.

What I saw was a young lady at five years sober dying of untreated alcoholism. And what I got was the gift. See, I got the gift.

I got to sit in that room with that young lady and watch those lights come on. I got to drive to Dr. Bob's house and hit my knees and do a third step with a young lady that I barely knew but completely knew.

You know, it was a gift that I will never be able to give back ever. Um, and as I said last night during the sponsorship panel, my sponses literally have kept me alive this summer because I take my responsibility to them incredibly serious. You know, I just I have a ball.

Don't get me wrong. Anybody that runs with me in AA knows it is never too late to have a happy childhood. And I am like, woo, you know, I'm just all over the place.

Um, but I just I absolutely have a ball. I also have a home group. It's the Kaktona Monday night meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous on the corner of 8th and Maine.

If you meet us at the McDonald's outside of my small town, we will escort you to our meeting. So, we are, you know, I am that serious about it. There are I tell you what, there's more people in there, ladies, in these two front rows than are in Alcoholics Anonymous in the town I come from.

You know, it's that kind of thing. So, something like this is very overwhelming to me. But, um, I'm absolutely grateful to be here.

And the first reason I am grateful to be here is because I know anytime I am asked to do anything for Alcoholics Anonymous, be it behind a podium or cleaning out the coffee pot, it is a divine assignment. And the reason I know that, and another reason you can picture your speaker this morning is a little bit off, but I start out my day the same way every day. And I'm very ritualistic.

And I usually throw open the door on my house. I walk out to the fourth garden stone. Not the third, not the fifth, but the fourth.

You know, I'm very ritualistic in here, but this morning, obviously, I wasn't there, so I threw the curtains open. And I start out every single day of my life, and I think it was probably my military upbringing, but I throw my hand up and I say, "Good morning, God. This is Chris Loudic reporting for duty.

How may I serve you today, sir?" And that is how I start my day. And I know from that minute on it's out of my hands. And to me, I have to do something like that to visually and take action to let go of all of my little plans and all of my little designs.

And so that's why I truly believe this is a divine assignment that I'm here this morning. Um I'm also grateful to be here because those of you that were here last night heard I just lost my father. Um it was four weeks ago today that my dad passed away.

And I was very close to my father. Um had been his caregiver, his primary caregiver for the last seven years. And um he's just amazing man.

But he had Alzheimer's at the end. And my son is 17 and we would visit my dad and you know my son's like doing the eye roll and like oh my gosh, you know what do we do with this? And I looked at him the one day and I said you know cuz my son's an only child.

I said, "You're looking at your future." Yeah. I said, "But instead of just talking crazy like your grandpa's doing," I said, "You know your mother and you know how I am." I said, "I picture myself in a purple velvet hat, stark naked, running through the woods like a wood nymph, and you're going to have to chase me." And he looked at me and he shook his head and he said, "Mom, you better stay right in the heart of that AA thing." And I said, "What are you talking about?" And he said, "Because you're going to need a lot of newcomers to be taking care of you." And you know, it was just it was a beautiful moment. So, I'm grateful I'm here.

I got to stay in the middle cuz when I go that route, you know, I need people to take care of me apparently. Um, but I'm just I'm also so very grateful to be here because what I have found in Alcoholic Anonymous just goes beyond my wildest dreams. Beyond my wildest dreams.

It has taught me so much about life. And see, I don't know any other answer. I have no other answer for you.

And as honored as I am to be standing behind this podium this morning, I know this is not the real service in Alcoholics Anonymous. The real service in Alcoholics Anonymous is not behind the podium. It's behind the firing lines.

It's at 3:00 in the morning when there's another suffering alcoholic on the other end of that phone and they're calling for help. That's when it really matters whether this alcoholic suits up and shows up because you know after this no matter how I do, no matter where my head goes, you know there will be people that'll be nice to me. There will be people that will thank me.

You will be very, very kind. You know, and that will feed my ego. I'm an alcoholic.

I don't need my ego fed. I can assure you that part of me is not starving. But what is starving is I suffer from a spiritual malady.

So my soul needs fed. And at 3:00 in the morning when another suffering alcoholic calls and asks for help, if I suit up and show up, there are times when I have to flip the lights on in my house and walk around, you know, and to keep going. There's times when you got to get in your car and go to them.

And usually at 3:00 in the morning, it's not pretty. There's pretty much a guarantee you're going to be puked on before it's over if you show up at somebody's house that time of night because it's not a good time for them. But what happens is my soul gets fed.

My soul gets fed and that's what keeps me happy, joyous and free today. See, to me, Alcoholics Anonymous, if you're active in it, you have chosen a life of love and service. And what has happened to me that I can't be grateful enough for is I have found an authentic woman inside of me that enjoys that love and service.

I would rather give than get. And trust me, that was not the person that came to you 12 years ago. Absolutely not.

Um, I can tell you that long before I ever put alcohol into my system, I had a mind that was doing me in. See, I am that alcoholic that is described in our big book. That the cons consumption of alcohol was but a symptom of what was wrong with me and that my main problem centers in my mind.

Before alcohol ever got in here, I had a mind that was doing me in. And I had this mind that was constantly chattering and it was always saying things to me like, "You're not enough, Chris. You are just not enough.

You're not smart enough. You're not rich enough. You're not athletic enough.

You're not tall enough. You're not pretty enough. You are just not enough." And then this other voice would swoop in and say, "What do you mean you're not enough?

They're always telling you, you're too much. You're too loud. You're too rowdy.

You're too desperate. You're too much of a crazy person. You are too much." I never heard anything too nice, although it may have been said, but all I heard was all the too negative.

And let me tell you, I would walk into a room like this. I would rather die actually than walk into a room like this. But I would walk into a room like this and I was so full of self-centered fear and self-pity that I literally believed I could read your mind and I knew what you were thinking about me.

And what you were thinking about me was never nice. But you didn't know that I knew what you were thinking about me because I would walk into the room like the Cheshshire cat. Hi, how you doing?

Everything's great here. Great. You know, and I'm just going on.

And the reason I did that, it's it's not because there was anything happy and joyous inside of me. See, what was inside of me was dark. It was black and it was ugly.

And I was absolutely convinced if you saw how dark and how black and how ugly it was inside of me, you would recoil in horror and you would leave me alone. And see, there was only one thing in this mind worse than being in a room with all of you and what you were thinking about me. And that was being in a room alone with me and what I was thinking about me.

Because what you were thinking about me might have been mean, but you guys, what I was thinking about me was absolutely vicious. So, I was that chameleon that I changed my colors, I changed my look, I changed my personality, I would change everything about me to fit wherever it was that I was. And let me tell you, it has taken 12 years of hard work in Alcoholics Anonymous to find out who the authentic Chris Lic.

But I stand here before you today and I'm finding out who that woman is. And that's an amazing, amazing gift. But what happened to me at 14 years old was I found the higher power I didn't even know that I was looking for.

I had no concept that there was a hole in my soul that I was trying to fill with all of these other things. But what happened to me at 14 was I had the first experience with as much alcohol as I could possibly put into my system. See, I had had drinks before that, but I had had a beer, a glass of wine, a cocktail, a something.

And I couldn't understand it because I would watch my girlfriends. They would have a beer. They'd get giggly.

They'd get silly. They'd get flirty. They'd get They would have fun.

I would have a beer and all of a sudden the beer is empty and I'm getting restless and I'm getting irritable and I'm getting discontent. In fact, I'm getting downright mean. I would go from 4'11 to 10'2 and you have done something to anger me instantly and the all bets were off and we were scrapping.

See, I had no idea that that was a very early symptom of my oncoming disease of alcoholism that I can't take a something into my system because it kicks off the phenomenon of craving. And unless I get more, I become restless, irritable, and discontent. But this night, I had as much alcohol as I could possibly put into my system.

And as I said, I found the higher power I didn't even know I was looking for. Cuz see, I got enough of that alcohol into my system. And suddenly, my not enough came right up here to just enough.

That too much went right down here to just enough. I would look around at all of you and I could care less what you were thinking about me. See, alcohol did for me what I could never do for myself.

Alcohol changed my perception of me. And when alcohol changed my perception of me, then my perception of you changed. And when my perception of me and you changed, I became happy, joyous, and free.

So, what I did was I went on a 20-year pilgrimage to recapture the three minutes of bliss I felt that first night at 14 years old when all the planets were lined up, right? And I was comfortable in my own skin. And more than likely, you're an alcoholic of my type or you wouldn't be sitting here at 10:00 on a Saturday morning.

So, you understand I never hit that mark again. I would come right up to it and never quite get there or I would just go zooming right past it and then you guys know what happens. But um I wasn't a good drunk either.

That very first night I drank. I got drunk. I threw up and I jumped on board the express train to Vomitville that night and rode it for 20 years.

It was just what I did. I thought that was just part of drinking. I didn't know that not everybody did that.

And I remember going home, and this will definitely date me. It was the 70s. And I remember laying wrapped around my parents' toilet, literally throwing up my toenails because I was so sick.

And I am hanging on to that pink shag carpet. God, I missed shag carpeting later in my drinking cuz shag gave you something to hang on to. You know, I broke fingers trying to hang on to lenolum.

That is not pretty. But you know, I remember laying wrapped around that toilet. so sick.

And the thought went through my head, this is a small price to pay for the way I felt earlier tonight. See, I didn't have a problem with getting sick from alcohol. I faced consequences immediately.

I was just a just a wild child when I drank. I faced consequences immediately. I didn't care about that.

I didn't have a problem with that. I had hangovers so bad that in the morning I would blink and have a near-death experience, you know. And I didn't have a problem with that either.

The only problem I ever had with alcohol is that it wore off. Cuz see, when alcohol wears off, you guys know what happens. This goes into high gear.

And the only way that I have ever found to describe what happens in my head without alcohol or alcoholics anonymous in it is several years ago my dad got my son a hamster for Christmas. And if any of you have ever lived with a hamster in your house, you know what I'm talking about. Mary, you've had a hamster.

Um, but they live in a little metal cage, or at least they used to. They have big plastic condos now, but at this time, yeah, they lived in this little metal cage with a little metal wheel that no matter how much you oil it, it squeaks. And I remember watching that hamster and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run.

And I remember thinking, "Oh, he's got to be getting tired." And they run and they run and they run and they run. I'm thinking, "He's got to have blisters on his little hamster feet. When is he going to stop?" You know?

And then nightfall came and I thought, "Okay, I'll turn off the lights. He's He's got to stop now. I turned off the lights and I swear that thing threw his little hamster arms up in the AIR AND WENT PARTY AND HE JUMPED ON THAT wheel and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run and they run all night long in circles and get absolutely nowhere.

That is this head without either alcohol or alcoholic synonymous in it. It runs and it runs and it runs in circles all the time and gets absolutely nowhere. I think hamsters should be the AA mascot.

You know, we could have little hamster hats, little hamster shirts, you know. I mean, just watch one. I'm telling you.

Um, but as I said, you know, I could not stay in that state that I wanted to be in at 14 years old. It's really hard when you're 2 foot three cuz that's See, I'm really not that tall. Um, but I was about 2 foot three at 14 years old.

And it's very hard to go into the liquor store and say, "Excuse me, sir. Can I have a bottle?" when you can't see over the counter. So, what I did was I learned how to con.

I learned how to manipulate. And I learned how to use people very early on. I never quit drinking because I didn't have enough money.

Because I would con, I would manipulate. I would do whatever a young woman had to do to get more money. I didn't quit drinking because I ran out of alcohol because I would con.

I would manipulate and I would do whatever a young woman had to do to get more alcohol. The only time I quit drinking was when I ran out of consciousness. See, that was the only thing that made sense to me.

And um as I said, the only problem I had with alcohol is that it wore off. So, I was constantly looking for something that would give me that lasting effect that alcohol gave me on a temporary basis. And I was absolutely convinced at 18 years old that the right relationship would do that for me.

Right? Now, I have no idea what the right relationship looks like. All right.

My relationships at that point in my life went something like this. We are in the living room. We are drunk and I am screaming AT YOU.

GET OUT OF HERE. I HATE YOUR GUTS. YOU'RE DIRTY ROTTEN.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T USE the words behind the podium that I used at that point in time. I HATE YOU. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

AND YOU GUYS, before you had backed your car out of the parking place in front of my apartment, I had thrown myself spread eagle superhero style on the hood of YOUR CAR GOING, "WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME?" YEAH. And that's that was my concept of a healthy relationship. I had no idea.

Um absolutely none. So, it probably would come as no surprise to all of you by the time I came in here at 33 years old, I was a serial marrier. Yeah, I intuitively know how to get married.

It's the staying part I find baffling. Um, I looked at poor court last night after he led and I said, "Was I married to you?" I, you know, I mean, it sounded so familiar. I got a little concerned.

I, you know, I thought perhaps I should go home and flip through the paperwork on Sunday and see if there's an amends to be made. I don't know. But he doesn't remember it either.

So, does that erase it? If that's um But okay. I What happened though was the last victim that I took hostage um while I was out there drinking, he was a very successful businessman.

And I thought, "All right, this is it. I can do this." See, a lot of us, we can do this. That was my Steepford wife years, I call them.

You know, I would dress like I did today. I would put on the makeup. I would do everything.

Everything on the outside looked good and I was literally dead on the inside. And so we would go to these little cocktail parties and I don't know if any of you have been blessed with little business cocktail parties. Um, but they hand you a little 4 oz plastic cup.

They fill it full of ice. You know, somebody told me once the fact that I knew it held 4 ounces perhaps was a sign of a problem, but um, I don't know. Go figure.

Um, but I had this little 4 oz plastic cup. They fill it full of ice and a 13-year-old bartender waves a liquor bottle over the top of it. The fumes fall in and they call it a drink.

And I remember standing there all the time thinking, "You've got to be kidding me." And so, but I'm doing this, okay? And I'm living under the illusion at this point in my life that our book talks about that I can drink like a normal person. So, I'm standing there trying to sip and socialize, which I am completely incapable of doing.

So, instead of standing there and doing what everybody else is doing, this is what happens. I take a sip of alcohol. It kicks off the phenomenon of craving.

And guess who comes to visit? The hamster. And he says things to me like, "Chris, you know, you can get past him and over to that bar and get that bottle of whiskey.

And you can take that bottle of whiskey and get it back into that bathroom before anybody notices. But you better steal a 2 L bottle of pop, too, cuz you need to refill that whiskey bottle back up in case anybody does see it. So you can refill it and bring it back out.

They won't think you have drank that and you can get back past him before he even blinks. And I'm standing there like this having a conversation with a hamster in my head. But I'm so full of self-centered fear and self-pity.

Instead of doing what he's telling me to do, my feet are glued to the floor and I'm crushing little plastic cups in my hand. And what I have found out is I did learn some social graces that I will forever be grateful for. And that is at a business cocktail party, if you crush a plastic cup in your hand and the liquor runs down your arm, it's socially unacceptable to do this and lick it off.

The hymn that was standing next to me turned scarlet. And you know that little vein that only men have in their forehead that we ladies can make appear. It looked like a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

It was like And I think I said my first sincere prayer right in that moment that I had ever said in my life. And it was, "Dear God, please let his head explode because I don't know how else I'm getting out of this one." Because see, I don't have that filter that tells me not to do something before I do it. There's nothing in my head at this point in time that says Chris, that's probably not a good idea.

The way my head works is do it. Oh, I probably shouldn't have done that. That's how my head worked at that time.

Needless to say, that was the last cocktail party I was ever invited to. Um, but because I'm a good alcoholic, I've always got a plan. I'm a drunk with a plan.

And I also lived under the delusion our book talks about at that time that I could rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I just managed well. So, I've always got a plan. And so, my next plan is, let me think.

I got the house, got the husband, got the cars, got all the stuff that societyy's telling me I need to be happy, joy, and free. What's missing? A child.

That's all I need. That's what'll fix all of this. And what I have learned is that the shoulders of a baby are way too tiny to carry the disease of alcoholism on, much less a program of recovery.

And I had that beautiful baby boy and I'm trying with everything I have not to drink. And I can't understand what's going on cuz see, I've put the drink down and instead of feeling better, I feel intense and everything around me is just insane. The only way I can describe it to you is if you drank like I did and they you were sitting in the bar.

God, I love the dark bars. And at 2:30 in the morning when they flip the lights on after you've been there since noon and your pupils are dilated the size of dinner plates and it's like, you know, they flip those lights on and you can see a good alcoholic cuz we all do this. Whoa.

Cuz it's like a UFO has landed in the bar. It is that bright, you know? And that was how life felt to me right then.

It was coming at me. I was not an active participant in my own life. It literally was just coming at me and I was just reacting.

I didn't have seem to have any positive active participation in my own life. My personal experience is is the best that I can do on my own without alcohol and alcoholics anonymous in my system is to get myself locked up in a psychiatric unit under a suicide watch with papers that say I am a threat to myself and society, including that little baby boy that I brought into this world to fix everything. I can no longer even see him.

But time went on um and they did let me out of that hospital. obviously went back home still trying not to drink and my husband left. See, sometimes I think it's harder to live with a dry alcoholic than a wet one.

I'm not talking a sober alcoholic. I'm talking a dry alcoholic that's not working a program of action. Because see, at least when I'm drinking, I will pass out once in a while and give y'all a break.

But when I'm dry, I will be up for 7 days with no sleep and I'm taking your inventory the whole time, you know, and it just that is how life is with me when I am dying of untreated alcoholism. It's not pretty. And so my husband left and I climbed right back into the bottle because see, I didn't have any other answers.

And I honestly I don't remember if I thought, "Oh, I shouldn't drink or I should drink." I don't really remember having any conscious thought, but I'm sure if I did have a conscious thought, it would have gone something like this. I wasn't drinking and he still left. Obviously, drinking wasn't the problem.

He was crack one open, slug it down, problem solved. Because, see, that's the only solution that I had. But I do believe, too, that alcoholism is just what a lot of people say.

It's a disease that continues to grow when left untreated, even without alcohol in your system. And that is exactly how my story went. See, I didn't pick up where I left off.

I picked up light years past where I had left off. This disease had grown back when I was still having fun drinking. I had been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.

I had broken bones. I had concussions. I had been held hostage and shot at.

And that was when I was having fun. Okay. Now I find myself and I'm in these blackouts.

And they're not just little blackouts anymore. They're those blackouts where I'm waking up in towns and states that I definitely wasn't in the day before. And I don't know how I got there.

And the only thing I'm kind of certain of is that, you know, the guns that are laying on the table don't belong to me. But I can't tell you that for sure because I have no idea who these people are that I'm surrounded by. Absolutely none.

And I'm getting to the point where it's getting harder and harder to get to work. So, the money's running short. My disease has progressed to the point where I'm having to make decisions.

Do I feed my disease or do I feed that little three-year-old boy at home that I brought into this world to save me? And it pains me to admit the truth that there were days when the disease of alcoholism won that battle. Because see, I'm an alcoholic.

When I reached that point, I cannot not drink. Thank God the people that wrote our book explained that no human power can relieve me of my alcoholism. That includes a little boy.

That includes a nudge from the judge, a parent, a spouse, anything. It has to come from a power greater than ourselves. But at this time, I began to hallucinate.

I would put so much alcohol into my system. And the worst part about it was I could no longer drink enough to silence that hamster. All I was getting was a drunken hamster.

And me and him were staying up all night seeing things that weren't there and going places. And after one such night, that little boy, he had turned four at this time came to me with all the anger and rage that is in a child that's being raised by an alcoholic mother. And he just looked at me.

He said, "DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT TO me again." And I had no idea what he was talking about. Absolutely none. Because I am living from blackout to blackout at this point in my life.

And I am actually questioning my four-year-old child in the mornings about what I did the day before. See, I'm basing all of my reality on the perception of a four-year-old child because my reality has become that distorted. And normally my answer to that would have been, "Okay, crack one open.

Problem solved." But this day, something happened. divine assignment, divine intervention, whatever you want to call it. And I looked at that little boy and I said, "What did I do?" And boy, did that anger him.

He said, "You know what you did?" He said, "I stayed up all night under the covers with him over my head in bed and I shook and I cried cuz you were sending the devil in to get me." I had no idea what he was talking about. And then suddenly I had a flashback. It was just that fast.

I remembered laying in my bed. We lived in a hundred-year-old house with an open loft upstairs. And I remembered I was laying there and I was hallucinating and I was seeing little red things floating around the room and apparently I thought they were the devil.

I didn't even know that my son knew what the devil was because I can promise you on Sunday mornings I was not taking him to church. I was either nursing a hangover or trying to figure out how to get home from wherever I was. You see, my son and I both fought the devil all night long that night.

And that devil's name is alcoholism. And I would love to tell you I picked up the phone that day and asked for help. But see, I didn't know about you guys at that point in time.

And when I was full of guilt, shame, fear, and remorse, I didn't pick up the phone. Then I picked up the bottle. And that's exactly what I did.

And I literally tried to kill myself with alcohol. And my life went absolutely crazy. And it went absolutely insane.

And I can't tell you a whole lot about it cuz I don't remember. And what bits and pieces I remember are recollections from that little four-year-old boy. What happened to me though is I went walking through my kitchen one day.

In the hand of AA had reached out to me before I even knew it. And a gentleman in my hometown had given me his business card, Jerry Jud. And he doesn't mind if I use his name.

And he had given me a business card. And on the front was his phone number. On the back was the crisis hotline.

And in my alcoholic arrogance, I had thrown it on my kitchen counter. and said, "What do I need this for?" See, Jerry knew exactly what I needed it for because he was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He saw my eyes starting to turn yellow.

He saw my skin starting to turn gray. He saw my body starting to bloat up. He was watching the effects of chronic alcoholism in our hometown.

And he knew that I was physically ill and that I was mentally sick. But Jerry knew the most important thing that I believe one alcoholic can know about another. And that's that I was spiritually starved.

and that Alcoholics Anonymous had the solution for all of my problems. And I picked up the phone that day and I said, "Jerry," I said, "I don't know what's going on, but I think I need help." And he said, "Are you ready to quit drinking?" And I got as honest as I had ever been. And I said, "Jerry, I don't know if I'm ready to quit drinking, but I know I'm ready to quit suffering, and I don't know what to do." And thank God that was enough for Jerry because with that, he 12stepped me into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And in his honor, I have to tell you a little story. He's always made me promise to tell it. That night that I made that phone call, Jerry was six years sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

He had been a potter by trade, had been hurt in a car accident, and was unable to create his craft the way he had done. He was in more physical, emotional, and spiritual pain than he had ever been in. He was sitting in his living room and said out loud, "If this is all there is to sobriety, I might as well drink." and the phone rang and I asked for help.

So, if you're afraid to pick up that 50,000 lb phone, do it anyways. Don't cheat somebody else out of their miracle because this last January, Jerry celebrated 18 years of continuous sobriety because he didn't have to drink that night because he reached out and helped another suffering alcoholic. Bill, like I said, he 12 stepped me into the rooms of AA.

walked into my first meeting, loved what I saw. There was about 35 to 40 people maybe in that room and there was only one other woman. I was shopping for my next ex-husband at my first AA meeting.

And that one woman that I saw, she was about 112 years old. So, I wrote her off as competition. Little did I know, I think they called ahead.

Um because my perception of what happened at my first meeting was I walked in this the room parted like the great sea and all those men went and this little 112year-old woman came scurrying up to me. Hi, I'm Mary Kay and I'll be your sponsor. And I'm like I'm thinking, okay, the only person in the room I didn't want to talk to and here she is.

But, you know, because I want you to like me. I'm smiling. I'm doing this again.

You know, and I'm that person that's new in recovery at 4 weeks. And you say to me, "HOW YOU DOING?" I'M FINE. I'M GREAT.

I'M WONDERFUL. I can't believe it took me this long to get here. This is just what I've always wanted.

You know, and I'm just And I remember coming into meetings and I only heard two things. I heard you got to surrender and you got to find God. And I'm like, surrender?

H lived on the streets. You surrender your prey. You're prey.

You're weak. You're weak. They got you.

I don't think so. And then I would ask these old-timers. I'd say, "So, how do you surrender?" And they'd go, "Well, you give it to God." "Well, how do you give it to God?" "Well, you let it go." "Well, how do you let it go?" "Well, you turn it over." "How do you turn it over?" "Well, YOU SURRENDER." I'M LIKE, "OKAY, one of two things.

the hamster lives in here OR THESE OLD GUYS DON'T EVEN KNOW, YOU KNOW? I was just like convinced. And then I remember this whole God thing and I'm thinking, I don't think so.

I don't believe in things can't see. Not going there. And if if just by some wild chance there is this God, then he knows how dark and how black and how ugly it is inside of me and there's no way he's going to help me.

So what I did was I walked around for my first four years in Alcoholics Anonymous living a lie. I was a spiritual parasite. I literally stole your words off of you and repeated them back.

But what I didn't get were your beliefs. See, I had it up here, but it didn't make it to here. And what I know today, stronger than I've ever known in sobriety, is that you cannot live a spiritual way of life based on a lie.

And that's what I was trying to do. And at four years away from my last drink in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I had no idea I was dying of untreated alcoholism. And my mother died of the DTS in one of our local hospitals.

See, she never got the gift. She never got the miracle. Um, and what happened to me was I had a complete meltdown in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And let me tell you, Hitt and Bottom NAA is a highly underrated spiritual experience because what it did for this alcoholic is it took me exactly where I had to go. It knocked me to my knees. See, I had been a professing of faith that I didn't actually have.

And so I was knocked to my knees in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was hitting bottom. And I would come to meetings and I'm crying and I'm sobbing and snots pouring out my nose and I have the Alice Cooper makeup running down my face and people are starting to walk around me cuz they are afraid it's contagious whatever I have going on.

And I'm asking people, "What do I do? What do I do?" And they're like, "Just keep coming to meetings and don't drink and you'll be fine." I wasn't fine. I was not fine.

I was sinking into that emotional quicksand. And if you've ever watched those old westerns, when they're sinking, the harder they struggle, the faster they sink and the quicker they die. That was exactly what was happening to me.

I'm struggling. I'm fighting. I'm sinking.

I'm dying. And I don't know what to do. I absolutely do not know what to do.

I know now I was trying to stay sober on the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. See, I was practicing what I lovingly call buffet AA. I was taking a little bit of this one and a little bit of that one.

If that felt good, maybe I'll take that. But that's all I was doing. And for me, for this alcoholic, the fellowship will provide relief.

But it's the steps. It's the program of action that provides my recovery. And I didn't know that at the time.

And I found myself laying on the bedroom floor wrapped in a purple robe covered in my own sweat, hurting worse than I had ever hurt four years away from my last drink. And I had this thought and it said, "If this is all there is to sobriety, I'm checking out." See, I didn't have Jerry sat drinking, but suicide definitely was an option again for me because, see, I didn't know what was wrong. I had no idea.

And then all of the sudden, just that fast, I'm laying on that floor and this thought comes into my head and it says, "Chris, for the first time ever in this much of desperation, you are not reaching for a drink." And right then, a light came on. And it said, "What if? What if these people have been right?

And there is a power greater than me out there that has removed this obsession of the mind to drink. What if there's some truth to that? Did I come to believe in that moment?

Absolutely not. Did I become willing to believe in that moment? Absolutely yes.

And in Bill's story, it says it is on that foundation that my recovery can be built. Right then the phone rang. It was that dag on Jerry Jay guy again.

I think he's part of the AA police. Um, and he's like, "How you doing? What am I thinking?

I am laying suicidal on my bedroom floor, soaked in my own sweat, and I WANT TO GO, I'M FINE. I'M GREAT. EVERYTHING'S WONDERFUL." But right then, another thought went through my head.

And it was a line from the book Dante's Inferno. And it said, "The hottest place in hell is reserved for those who, in times of crisis, choose to sit on the fence." And see, I was a fence sitter in Alcoholic Anonymous. And at this point, I knew I had only two things left.

I could get honest or I could die. I was down. I had no more plans.

I had no more ideas. And I chose to get honest. And I said, "Jerry, I'm not doing so well." And he says, "Yeah, I know there's going to be somebody to get you in 20 minutes." And hung up the phone.

It was like it was not optional. I'm like, "Hey, you know, that's kind of how we do it. We don't care if you feel like going to a meeting or not.

We're going to take you to one because your feelings will change. You know, it's just" And so that's exactly what they did. And what happened to me was at four and a half years um in the rooms of AA, I was literally 12stepped back into Alcoholics Anonymous.

Right after that, my sponsor took critically ill and could no longer sponsor me, and I was scared to death. I went over to the closest big town that I could find over at Columbus because I wanted to find a woman that might be able to help me. And see, finally, my alcoholism had beat me into a state of teachability.

I finally had reached a point of desperation that is absolutely necessary for an agnostic of my type to become willing to go to any lengths and to become willing to believe the girls that I sponsor. If we walk through that first step and they aren't scared to death and feeling desperate, I've done something wrong because I you have to come to that point where you truly believe you are powerless and that your life is unmanageable. And that's where I was at.

So every woman that would look at me, I'm like, I'm dying. I'm I NEED HELP. PLEASE HELP ME.

WELL, you know, I was just it was a whole different person that showed up. And so, fortunately, I met a group of women that gave me some information and they said, "If you take this book back home with you and you do what it tells you to do, you'll be all right." And I went back home and there were three other women in AA at that time in my area. And they were all suffering like I was.

And I said, "Ladies, they tell us if we all get together and we do what's in this book, we're going to be okay. What do we got to lose?" Because let me tell you, all of our lives were unmanageable. It was the biggest bucket of sick you've ever seen in your life.

We would have us four women together. I think there were 32 children amongst us, you know, and we would have all these kids running through the house. They are literally hanging from door jambs at times.

It was just insanity. But what we did is we opened that book to that very front cover page and we started working the program of action as it is outlined in our book. When it asked us a question, we answered it to each other.

When it told us to take an action, we took an action. When it told us to pray, we prayed. What I can tell you is none of us knew what we were doing.

But when willingness and action come together, God's grace literally erupts. There is a line in the forward to the second edition of our book where it talks about they had a 75% success rate at that time. I think it was around 1955.

Um, and what it was, they said of those that really tried, 50% sobered up immediately and 25% after a relapse would come back in and would sober up. That was eight and a half years ago. And 75% of us, three out of those four women have remained sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous since that time.

That's why I'm such a I am so excited to see what the theme of this conference is because I believe in that primary purpose. I've seen it work. I've seen it change my life and I've seen it change many others.

The fourth woman that was with us, she still keeps coming back in and she gets mad at us. She's like, you haunt me, you know, we just laugh. We're like, I know we love you, you know, and just keep coming back, honey.

But it's just amazing, you know. It is amazing the things that happened to me. I would love to tell you I skipped happy, joyous, and free through my sobriety ever since, but that is not the way it happened for me.

Um, after doing a tenth step, it tells us we'll continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness and sometimes growth is messy and sometimes it's painful. But I'll tell you what, my house burned down. The one that I sent the devil heads to my son in, it burned down at seven and a half years sober.

And it was a gift wrapped in sorrow because it took me from where I was out into the country. And it was there that I began to see a God that I literally could see, that I could touch, that I could put my hands on because it became so obvious as I began a hiking meditation regime that, you know, I'm watching these acorns turn into trees. I'm watching these little eggs become birds.

I will never forget the day that I was thoroughly amazed when I finally came to realize that sun rises and sets every day of my life without any help from me. Wow. you know, I mean, that took a lot of responsibility off of my shoulders, but so I started coming to believe in some things and um I was going through life, but then all of a sudden at 10 years sober, I'm hitting one of those walls.

I'm absolutely hitting one of those times and I'm out doing my hiking meditation and I'm coming to realize that I'm getting really complacent and I'm getting really desolate and I'm getting really frustrated and I'm just doing aa in that little town of mine and I literally cried out to this God that I was coming to believe in but couldn't see and I said I know there's got to be more for me. I know you have a bigger plan but I don't know what it is so please help me. I walked back into my house and literally in less than 60 seconds my telephone rang.

There was a gentleman on the other end of the phone and no it was not Jerry but there was a gentleman on the other end of the phone that our path had crossed a few times um in some service in AA and he said you know I'm on a mountain in California and I'm really not sure why I'm calling you. He said, 'The only thing that I can figure is that I remember your love for nature and I'm out here at Joshua Park National Park and it's just like nothing I've ever seen and I just had to share it with somebody. He said, "But I really don't know why I'm calling you." He said, "And you know, I've been pushed to call you and I kept telling God, I don't have a cell signal.

What are you talking about?" You know, and he said, "And I looked down and I had a signal. So, I thought I better do this." And I am so grateful because see that gentleman had a divine assignment that day and he was following that sixth sense voice that our book promises us we will begin to receive after working the first 10 steps. He listened to that quiet nudge because in that phone conversation we literally talked soulto soul and I told him the truth about what was going on with me and he said you know he said I think you need to go hear a guy named Ed Mutum.

he's going to be in a town close to you in about two weeks. I think you need to go. I think he has what you want.

And I thought, okay, what the heck? You know, I'll do that. But I had no idea what was about to happen to me.

I had no idea that my sobriety, my life, my soul, everything about me was about to be rocketed into that fourth dimension that Bill talks about. see everything lined up right in that moment with my willingness and God's grace to take me to the people that I was destined to meet that had walked through the book in a way that would make a profound effect on this suffering alcoholic that had had the same experiences that I am currently going through today. These people all began showing up in my life and they literally were the people that helped change this alcoholic from a spiritual nomad to one whose life is authentic and consists solely of service to God and the people about her.

See, I didn't make that change, but the 12 steps of Alcoholic synonymous do. And so I went to see Ed at this little place at L Lake Milton and I'm watching him and I can't figure out what the heck's going on because I'm looking at him and something's happening. I don't know what it is.

I'm doing it again. I start sobbing. I got stock running down my face.

I'm not a pretty drunk. Let me tell you, you know, I'm like this and I walk up to him at break and I'm like, and any of you that know him, he is literally 7 foot two. So I am at his belt buckle going, you know, I'm like, I don't know what I see.

I don't know what I see. There's something in your eyes. And then I had this moment where I realized what I saw.

For the first time ever, I was given the grace to see God inside someone else. And I said, "Ed, I see God in you. I see God in you." And he held my hands in his.

And he said the most profound thing anybody had ever said to me. And he said, "The only thing that you see in me is what already lives in you." And I knew right in that moment. And I felt something close up inside of me.

I know what that was today. That was that hole in the soul that contained that dark, that black, and that ugly. Because what I saw in Ed, it was kind, it was loving, and it was forgiving.

And in that moment, I came to believe that yes, maybe that did live in me, too. And within two months, I was at another place that I had been directed to go. And I walked in, couldn't figure out why I was there.

I was 3 hours from my home. This woman was six hours from hers. She opened her mouth, and I knew right then why.

And the woman's name was Michael Earl. And she was to become my next sponsor. See, I had had a temporary sponsor for five years at that point.

Wonder why I'm complacent, desolate, and frustrated? Um, but she began to walk me through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. She opened up the whole world of the traditions to me.

She began to teach me about history. Alcoholics Anonymous no longer became the thing that I did on the side. It became my lifestyle.

It became my design for living. See, no longer were my family here, my friends here. It all became one.

and I cannot be grateful enough for that. Um, it was it's just been a beautiful experience in all of that. And I've had some changes that have been phenomenal.

But I do want to tell you, I am absolutely not the poster child for Alcoholics Anonymous. I have made a lot of mistakes. But through strong sponsorship and a loving God, I have learned that my mistakes can become my lessons.

My lessons become my experience. My experience becomes my strength. And if I share that with you either from behind this podium or oneon- one, it might just become your hope.

And isn't that why we're all here this morning? So, we're just looking for a little bit more hope. See, it's just not my job to abort the process.

My job is to practice these principles in all my affairs and carry this message to othering other suffering alcoholics. and see my nightly 10th step. It opens up that world to me every single night.

It keeps me teachable and it keeps me humble and it keeps me willing to keep going forth that next day and take that next step. It's such a gift from God, you know, and I do try and carry this message to other suffering alcoholics, be it from behind the podium or one-on-one, you know, and I've had beautiful experiences. I get a lot of girls that I sponsor because they come to me at 2 years, 5 years, seven years dying of untreated alcoholism in the rooms of AA because there are a lot of us that our alcoholism literally gets worse when we quit pouring alcohol in on it.

And there's definitely an answer to all of that. And I believe it's that program of action that's lined out in our book. But not everybody's there and not everybody wants it.

And what I have learned is that sometimes the best 12th step I can do is a good 11th step. Because you may reject my suggestions, you may refuse my love, but you're absolutely defenseless against my prayers. And sometimes that's the best I got.

And I try and practice these principles in all of my affairs. And I want to share a story with you um about that little 17-year-old boy that I have at home um and that I sent the devil heads into his room when he was four years old. I came home from work one night.

I get off work at 4:00. It's 4:15. I have to be back out of the house at 5:00.

I am doing the superhuman ricochet rabbit routine. All my family sees is me going through the house because I am going to cook dinner, do the laundry, clean the house, solve all the world's problems, and be gone in 45 minutes. Thank you very much.

And so all of a sudden, I hear this 17-year-old behind, well, he was 15 at the time, and I lovingly call him Mr. Macho. He's a junior firefighter, and he's a tough little redneck boy.

I mean, you know, we are like hillbillies is what we amount to. Um, but he comes up behind me and he says, "Mom, can I follow you around for a minute?" And so what happens? The hamster still lives in here, guys.

And this is what happens in my head. Oh my god, I knew it. He was flunking biology.

I knew he was flunking biology and they didn't call me and tell me he was flunking biology because I work for the school system. Oh my god. No, it's not that.

He got in a fight with that Jared kid. Oh, that's it. And he got suspended.

Oh my god. They didn't call me because I work for the school system and d No, it's that girlfriend. I knew she was trouble.

But instead of that coming out of my mouth, because you guys have taught me they don't lock me up for what I think, they lock me up for what I do. I put on my little miss aa sage and I say, "Sure, honey. You can follow me around for a minute." And so he does.

And I know this is not normal for a 15-year-old. So I'm chattering the whole time. And then I hear, "Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?" And you know what happens in my head?

IT GOES, "I KNEW IT. SHE'S PREGNANT." YOU KNOW, that's what happens up here. But instead, what comes out of my mouth is, "Sure, honey.

We can talk." and he jumps up on the kitchen counter, which is the mandatory seat to solve all the world's problems in my house. Um, and I turn around and he has alligator tears running down his face. And see, I didn't know how to be a parent until you guys taught me how.

You know, I had no idea. And I knew right then there was nothing more important. There was no laundry.

There was no dinner. There was nothing that could be more important than whatever that young man was going through. And I put my hands on his knees and I said, "What's going on, sweetheart?" and he said, "Well, mom," he said, "own at the fire department, one of the senior firefighters, his name is Leslie, he's in the service and he's getting deployed to Iraq and he's leaving a 2-year-old behind and I'm just not dealing real well with it." And I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, honey.

That is what's going on in our world right now." And he said, "But see, Mom," he said, "I knew I could come to you and talk to you because he said, "The fire service, Mom, it's a fellowship." He said, ' And I barely know Leslie, but I love him because he's a member of my fellowship. And I knew you would get that, Mom, because I've grown up my whole life watching you love people you barely know in your fellowship. And I saw Alcoholics Anonymous working in my home right in that moment.

And then he said something that I hope I never forget. He said, "Mom, when you get to your workshop tonight, will you do me a favor?" I said, "I'll do anything I can to help you." And he said, "Will you ask those friends of yours to pray for my friend Leslie, and you got to remember that's the boy I sent the devil into." I said, "Babe, the minute I get there, we will pray for your friend Leslie." And he dropped his little head and shook it. And he said, "Mom, I don't get it one bit, but you drunk seem to have direct connections to God." And that is what happens when you practice these principles in Alcoholics Anonymous.

That is what happens when you practice these principles in all of your affairs. And that is why I cannot be grateful enough that today my divine assignment led me here to Austin, Minnesota, and to be with all of you and to see God in your eyes. See, that's why I will go anywhere and do anything for Alcoholic Anonymous.

I love you all. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day. >>