Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-rise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Real honor for me to announce to present to you Daniel Lee from Benton, ARKANSAS.

>> All right. >> That's what I'm talking about. I'm Daniel and I'm an alcoholic.

Daniel, thank you. Uh, I love that. All right, let's say here we can just do this for an hour.

Maybe not. All right. Uh, got to start off.

My home group is the East Side Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. What I'm talking about, uh, Benton, Arkansas, or otherwise known as the Benton Mafia, cuz if you leave, you die. And, uh, my my sobriety date is August 8th of 98.

And for that, I'm extremely grateful. If you're uh a little burnt like I am or maybe got a real short attention span like I do, that's probably the most important thing I'll say all night. And uh so yeah, let's have a dance.

Let's go, man. Let's go. Thanks a lot.

Uh but uh but that that's real important to me. And uh I hope everyone here has a sobriety date cuz it's there's two things, you know. The first thing is I never ever want to forget what it was like on that day, August 8th, you know, or I stand a chance of going back there.

And uh and the other thing is, you know, the fact that I hadn't had a drink or any any mindaltering substances since that day proves to me this program works. It proves it to me. And uh it also proves to me there is a loving God that that cares about me, you know, and that's a huge deal.

Oh man, I'd like to thank the committee. Thanks a whole bunch. Um I I got to say I absolutely love Alcoholics Anonymous.

I love this convention with all my heart. Uh but you know they they asked me to speak and I was like why me? You know it's like we got this saying at my home group this tradition you don't ask a home group member to speak at the home group because they've already heard all your and u and but you know after thinking about praying about it and everything you know it's it's God's writing a script.

I ain't writing a script. So, I'm here and and uh if there's any newcomers never seen me, never heard me, uh maybe I can say something and would you please raise your hand and we'll go out on the porch and have this meeting. Damn it.

One word. All right. Like I said, I'm I'm a little burnt.

Uh I I was real burnt when I got here. Alcohol and and some drugs really messed my brain up. And uh but I've always talked real slow my whole life.

So I'm not going to say very much. But uh you know I I probably talked for like three or four hours. So but uh I do have a clock I think.

Yeah. Okay. Um but anyway, just try to bear with me.

Maybe we can get a hick interpreter around here or something. But uh so I I'm supposed to share in a general way what I used to be like, what happened, what I'm like now. Uh all right.

So who all was there for the tree cutting incident very first thing this morning? Okay. >> Okay.

So y'all know I I put the damn chain on the chainsaw backwards. All right. Now, this is not the first time I've done something ass backwards.

And uh and matter of fact, my mother and father's here. Uh she can attest to it. I was born ass first, literally.

Um you know, I was a breach baby. Um you of course I don't remember it, but you can talk to mom. She'll fill you in on the details, but I literally the ass came out first and I've been ass backwards ever since.

You know, I I had the little uh you know, I kind of messed my legs up or whatever. had to be wear little force gump braces till I I don't remember it, you know, for for a little while, a year or so. But but I turned out all right, didn't I?

Yeah. Okay. Uh first things I can remember from my childhood being pissed off at my sister.

I got a older sister. She's like the bossier type sister and and uh like we live out in the country and there's no neighborhood pack of kids that you know there it was just me and her and so when it was playtime you know we had to play what she wanted to play by God and um so I ended up having to play like all this girly crap like tea party and restaurant and I you know I would have much rather just been out in the yard digging in a hole or you know whatever other little boys do. But but uh you know I I started getting resentments early on and um but the ma the main thing about my childhood that I that sticks out to me and then I'll move on is I had a whole lot of anxiety as a child.

Um, you know, I I had this knot in my gut from grade school on, you know, and I don't know if other normal kids have any of that. I know I had it bad. It was so bad that uh, you know, and again, mom and dad, I keep referring to mom and dad.

Hell, mom and dad's here. Half my damn home group, all these people, you know, people could tell the my story better than I could and a lot faster. that are in this room.

So, uh, if y'all get sick of listening to my ass, just like knock me over the cliff and we'll get one of them. But anyways, where the was Okay, it got it. Man, I almost let something slip there.

But, uh, got to watch out cuz we know somebody going to listen to this on tape in the morning that couldn't be here. I would just like to say for Mar and Robert uh that I am dressed in a suit and tie at behind the podium. Please picture that in your brain.

But uh anyway, sorry you couldn't be okay. The the uh the anxiety was so bad the knot in my gut by like fourth or fifth grade. I actually went to the doctor I believe uh over this and you know nobody knew you know just give this boy a fifth of Jim Beam it straighten right up you know but u but anyways you know and I felt different than and apart from like every other age you'll ever hear.

Uh so anyways that was childhood I rocked along. I'm going to skip a bunch of the drunk law tonight cuz uh I want to talk about the cool stuff which is sobby. But uh I got to talk about something here first.

This would be like, you know, I may share a few opinions tonight and just like take what you want, leave the rest, whatever. But I I did some things in my drinking career that were drugs, okay? We didn't we didn't uh we didn't we didn't we didn't call them outside issues back then.

And uh when I got sober, I went to a lot of speaker meetings and I heard this term and I did outside issue. I grew outside issues. I I ran them up my my nose, up my veins.

I smoked these outside issues. I I I put them in different orphases and uh and these outside issues. Outside issue.

I like what the hell are they? Man, if I would have known what that was, man, I I would have done that, you know? Why didn't anybody tell me?

And uh like I said, I was really burnt. So, I mean, so if there's any newcomers uh here tonight that are having problems with I don't know if I'm the only person that had problems with stuff like that, but uh man, but let me just clear it up. It's cold.

Outside issue equals drugs. Okay? So, I I don't feel the need to say outside issue.

Actually, drugs is a shorter word, so we'll get done faster. But uh but anyways, you know, an outside issue to me, I get real confused about that because it's like outside issue. I think like issue like slavery or abortion or like the like whatever politics or religion, you know, and I'm like an issue.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that. Let's move on. Uh I my first drunk Okay.

I had I had done a lot of drugs before my first drunk, but my first drunk I got I got to talk about that. And let me just say after talking about outside issues and drugs and all that that I respect this podium. I I respect Alcoholics Anonymous and I and I will identify myself as a real alcoholic, you know, because that's what this is about.

So, uh anyways, damn it. I'm probably going to need some more of that. Uh >> yeah, that's Ozarka.

I don't Okay. All right. Uh the first drunk me and me and a buddy had a fifth of Jim Beam and I I'd never drank whiskey before.

I'd had beer a few time but never enough where I could drink all I wanted, you know. And uh we had this fifth of Jim Beam and we started drinking it just straight, no chaser. And uh after about the fourth or fifth big go, this feeling came over me, you know, and uh it was just this perfect buzz.

And I mean, and the thing was the big big thing was I no longer had that knot in my gut. I you know, I didn't care, you know, I was I just started high school at the time. Everybody mess with me cuz I went to high school Catholic high school for boys in Little Rock and I'm from like way out in the country in Selen County and like everybody mess with even my teachers you know mess with you know uh cuz the way I talk and stuff and I'm like look y'all live in Arkansas too you know but u but anyways I when I when I drank that first time I didn't care about any of that who cares what these people think and I felt okay in my own skin for the very first time that I can remember.

You know, now I I had some really happy times as a child and I and I probably was all right in my own skin as a child, but but this is the first time I could remember in a long time. And and what I realized today, as I like to call, I I reached the perfect level of being messed up. All right?

And hopefully y'all know what I'm talking about. I had reached the perfect level where everything is perfect. I got the perfect buzz.

I got no worries, you know, I'm okay with myself. I'm okay with my buddy and what we're doing and and it was perfect. And so what did I do?

My brain says that this is perfect. Just think about what one more drink would do. So I drank the rest of the bottle, blacked out, ran around screaming like an idiot out in the woods, did a bunch of stupid stuff, and didn't remember any of it.

And uh came to the next morning thinking, you know, I don't know what happened last night, but it sure was good. And uh and that just set the stage for my drinking career. That's how I drank.

And uh it anyways uh so I like I said, I'm not going to tell a bunch of stories. There's a lot of weird stories I could tell you about, you know, being tracked across Lake Washington by a beer can trail and getting busted on some and then smoking cigarettes hog tied in county jail. Uh but we can talk about that after the meeting.

But uh my just let me tell you about what my daily routine was the last few years or whatever my drinking. I would come to in the morning and run to the window to see if my truck was outside wherever I came to cuz I didn't remember that most a lot of times I didn't even know where I was. And uh but I'd see if my truck was there.

A lot of times it wasn't, you know, and and uh and I I was a serious blackout drinker. I'm talking about at least 90% of the time I drank, I blacked out cuz it was just insane the phenomenon of craving and the and the physical allergy. I I mean it was not only could I not stop once I started I it was like I had to drink it as fast as I could for some reason.

But uh but anyway, so I would uh find my truck, figure out what day it is. Do I need to be at work? You know, find if I got any any any alcohol left or any drugs to get my head right for the day.

You got to get started off right, you know. And I would spend the whole day getting high, doing things, going to work, and and trying to figure out what I did the night before, and then thinking to myself, and this is every single day, okay? And thinking to myself, why did I get so messed up last night?

Cuz I didn't plan on getting that messed up. And tonight, maybe I won't get that messed up. Maybe I won't get messed up at all tonight, you know?

Like it'd be good to take a night off, you know? So, uh, so that's what I'd be thinking. And I was I was working construction and I get off work, everybody I work with drank.

My boss drank. Somebody always had a couple ice cold beers, you know, and they give me these beers and uh and you got to drink them, you know, uh cuz you you deserve it. Uh you put in a hard day.

I I was toting sheetrock, stocking sheetrock. if anybody's ever done that. It's some uh lots of fun.

But uh but anyways, you deserve it because you've worked hard. So I drink these couple beers. All right.

And uh get them in me. And then I I that plan I'd made earlier in the day about not drinking tonight would just go out the window and I'd start making new plans like, "Okay, here's the deal. Okay, I lived in a dry county.

You had to drive about 20 minutes to the liquor store. So, I'm going to go up to the liquor store, get me a 12-pack, and just, you know, chill out, smoke some pot, drink a 12-pack cuz I had a very large tolerance for alcohol, and a 12-pack was just enough to take the edge off. You know, it didn't get me drunk.

And and I'm just going to mellow out tonight. Not going to go to jail, not going to wreck anything, not going to embarrass myself. And that'd be my plan, you know.

And I and it and it was amaz it was like I always and I loved the speaker last night Danielle talking about the delusion. That's what it is. I believed a lie.

I believed the lie that I could drink and get to that perfect level and stop and then just maybe drink enough after I got to the perfect level to maintain that perfect level forever. You know, that was like my plan and it never worked out. I had to start over every day, you know.

But that was I mean that was the whole goal of my life was to get to the perfect level and stay there. But it was like I get to the perfect level and just like fly around past it every day. But so anyways, I get in the truck and head to the liquor store and I live in Benton.

All right. Some a lot of y'all are familiar with that area. >> I get to about Bryant.

My brain be telling me, you know, you might as well get a case of beer because uh that way you want to come back tomorrow, you know. I get up about Alexander about to take the exit and I'll be thinking, you know, they got these 30 packs now. You know, what if what if one of my buddies wants a beer?

You know, I don't want to be a I want to be a butthole, you know. And uh so I Yeah. And I always came out of came out of liquor store with a bunch of beer and a big jug of whiskey cuz that's what I really liked.

And this is going to last me like three or four days. And uh and if y'all drank like me, you know what happened. you know, that phenomenon of craving kicked in and it was just impossible for me to stop, you know, unless I got locked up, passed out, got knocked out, which that never even happened.

That happened. I got kind of whooped up on a little bit a few times, but uh I only been knocked out one time in my life. I fell off a house about 5 years ago.

Anyway, I I'm real hard-headed. That's the deal, you know. I was I was born ass first with a real hard head.

So, uh anyway, so that that was my routine and and it was every day and so you can imagine the problems it's created. I'm not going to go into detail, you know, problems with the family, problems with work, you know, even though it was a drink and drug friendly workplace, um you know, it it got crazy and and I just I just couldn't hold it together. So what happened was uh let's see it was summer of 98 you know I I had a lot of problems like every alcoholic and what happened was alcohol quit working and hopefully y'all know what I mean but you know what I mean by that for me is I had all these issues going on in my brain.

These were issues. These were like things you think about and talk, you know, issues and uh like look at what I'm doing to my family, you know, look at, you know, look at all my buddies dying. I had a lot of acquaintances die in a real short period of time.

Look at all this screwed up going around me. And why why am I even here? Why am I And this is all the kind of stuff you start thinking about as an alcoholic.

And what do you do? you go drink because you've got to have that sense of ease and comfort so you don't have to think about that crap. And so that's what I would do.

But I couldn't get no ease and comfort anymore. And I would drink insane amounts of alcohol trying to get that sense of ease and comfort. And the best I get was slobber and drunk and pass out.

And it got so bad that I, you know, I've done the deal. I've gotten drunk two or three times in a day. I've I've spent two days trying to drink and pass out.

You know, it got so bad I got suicidal, but I didn't have the gust to blow my brains out. Thank God. Uh I tried to get some people pissed off enough to kill me.

Um I mean, I'm I'm really serious about that. U so my best thinking was this is what I'll do. I'll just drink myself to death, okay?

Because I know you can do that. I had known people that had done that. So, uh, you know, so I I set out to do that and I I came to on August 8th of 98 after a three-day blackout.

They turned me loose from jail this one day. Went on a three-day blackout. August 8th of 98.

Uh, I came to uh my parents' house was destroyed. I destroyed it in these fits of rage because there at the end when the alcohol quit working, see, I'd always been a happy go-lucky drunk, but when it quit working, it was just non-stop rage, or the other extreme, like I'm terrified. So, I'm either like running out into the bushes, which I did because they're after me, or, you know, or I would just I mean, start stuff with people I shouldn't be starting stuff with, you know, just cuz they look at me weird.

What? And uh anyways, I came to on August 8th of 98 and I realized that I I can't Yeah. three or four of them, man.

I'm I've always had a powerful thirst. Okay. Uh but um anyways, I I realized I can't even die.

I mean, I cannot even die. And I remember I walked outside of the house and I looked up to the sky. It was a beautiful blue sky real early in the morning.

I said, "God, if you're real and really help people, then just let me die on the way to this gas station or give me some kind of help." I had to go and get some cigarettes because I couldn't find any in the house when there was some right there on the coffee table, but uh I couldn't find them. But I said, "God, just please let me die on the way this gas station, which is like 5 minutes away, or give me some kind of help." And uh what happened was I got arrested at the gas station like 10 minutes later. To this day, don't understand on what grounds they charge me with what they charge me with, but that's not relevant.

We won't go into that. It's uh Seline County, you know. Um but anyways, anyways, moving right along.

But uh I I went to jail and uh it was really really a bad time. Okay. I I was not in a good jail goer there at the end.

Um the last the last week I drank, I went to jail twice, right? Those two times I while I went to jail and while I was in jail, I was hog tied at least 10 times. I'm talking about they would come into the solitary cell to hog tie me.

And I'm like, what can I do in here? You know what? You know, like beat my brain on the wall or something.

Y'all like that, wouldn't you? You know, uh but uh I was not a peaceable jail goer, but there at the end. But anyways, they we weren't on good terms.

We'll say that. Uh, and they they really wanted me to help them get some people that I was really good friends with and I was having no part of that and they they played a lot of tricks with my brain and and anyway, this went on for a long time and it was really really really bad and I've done a lot of inventory work over this resentment I had uh towards him. What happened was I after a day or a day and a half, I don't know.

But see, I've been drinking large amounts of alcohol, okay? You know, better than a liter of whiskey every day for months, probably better than a half gallon for a couple weeks. And and when they locked me up that day, it just I stopped, you know, cold turkey and I got real sick, started having convulsions, uh had some seizures, and went unconscious.

Uh, I had I got a spons had a spons a few years ago that gave me a new term for it, the crappie flop. And uh I I can relate to that. I don't see him in here.

He was here last night, but I can relate to doing some crappie flopping, but uh hog tied. Okay. Anyway.

Okay. So, uh so I went unconscious for I don't know how long. Could have been a minute, could have been hours a day or something.

But when I came to I was in this fog, you know, I didn't know where I was. And u I I was having these weird hallucinations. Like I've done things that make you see things before those drugs, you know, and uh but uh this was this was like nothing I'd ever experienced.

This was like some evil stuff. And anyways, there was a trustee. Like I said, I was in my home away from home, the solitary cell, but this trustee looked through the little square window on the door at me and said, and I and I seen him, and I was like, man, where am I?

Cuz I need to get out of here. And uh he told me, "Man, you died and you're in hell now and you're never getting out." And u and I believed that man. All right.

And yeah, it's kind of humorous. Yeah. But uh but I don't know.

I I still can't laugh a lot about that. But that's that's good for me. I'm glad y'all enjoy it.

But uh you know I u I I honestly, you know, I'm not not kidding. I really honestly believe that. And uh and then I was like, hold on.

You know, I've been wanting to die, but this ain't so cool. You know, and I that's where I hit my bottom because a few days before that I'd had a moment of clarity. You know, like three or four days before that when I'd been in that solitary cell, I'd had this moment of clarity that I am screwed.

Okay? I cannot I've tried everything I can to manage my life and I cannot make it. And uh and if there is a God, he's going to have to help me cuz nobody can help me.

I knew that no human power could help me. They tried. They could lock me up.

They could just one example. Okay, I smoked two cigarettes, hog tied one. I'll tell you the whole story if you want to hear it after me.

But I mean, they can't help, you know, and I cannot help myself. If there is a God, he's got to help me. But I didn't ask him for help then.

I waited till I come out of that blackout on August 8th. And here I've finally broke down and asked God that everybody told me my whole life, loves me, and cares about me and is there to help me. and now I'm dead and I'm in hell and I'm screwed for all eternity.

And uh Okay, so that's the circumstances of my bottom. But what the bottom really was was a feeling of 100% hopelessness. Okay.

And that's what I I share with each and every one of y'all, you know, cuz we all got crazy stories about how we get here. I've never heard anybody tell the same story that I've got. And that's no big deal.

It's just but the the deal is we are you know I was 100% hopeless of my situation ever improving of me ever being able to live life in any kind of reasonable way drinking or not drinking or and uh and and I tell you what another thing was it was an awful awful lonely feeling and uh you know when I got to the room they told me I'd never have to feel the way I felt when I got here. And I didn't believe that at first, but I believe it now. And thank God for that.

Thank God for that. And uh you know, anyways, so I I spent about 3 days in this mindset. I'm dead.

I'm in hell. They let me back into the regular drunk tank and got in some fights. And anyway, but anyway, after several days of this, I finally got a little light bulb in my head.

you know, maybe these guys were just messing with me, you know. But I knew that if I wasn't dead, I must be dying cuz my whole body hurt. I couldn't I couldn't eat.

Uh, you know, I felt like I'd been run over by like a 100 mules or something, you know, just kicked the out of me or something. You know, I don't know if any of y'all got experience with a crappie fly, but it uh it really messed me up. And I never want to get sober again, ever.

And uh so anyway, it I realized maybe they're just messing with me. So I started begging for help. I started begging them, you know, let me see a doctor, let me go to the hospital, uh something.

Let give me some kind of help, you know. And uh finally they let me go like an hour before I was going to go up for playing arraignment and they were going to keep me with no bell for a long long time. I'd probably died.

But they let me go with my mom and dad. They've been trying to get me out and uh cuz they knew how sick I was and uh under the condition that I would go directly to detox and I was like wherever. Just get me some help.

And uh I didn't find this out till much later, but they told my dad if he gets out of the the jeep to even smoke a cigarette. You call us and we'll have every cop in Selen County on his ass. Okay.

And that's my relationship with them. They they told my parents that I was a min to myself and a minister to society, you know, and I was going to run. And uh but I was through.

All right. And I got I got to detox the Sobering Center in Little Rock. Thank God for that place.

And I went to sleep and I woke up and this woman, you know, I It's kind of like a lot of y'all probably been there, but a lot of y'all probably had, but it was kind of like set up. You got all these beds. Well, even if you've never been like in there for your drinking, you maybe carried the message in there.

Okay. All right. But you got a bed and you got this little curtain you can pull around and that and I had my curtain pulled around me and this I hear this woman's voice, Daniel.

Daniel and they got a lamp on the other side of this curtain. I wake up and there's all this bright white light all around me. I'm like, oh, holy You know, and uh I had been I have a strong religious background.

Okay. Not I'm not religious today, but I I grew up in the Catholic church and going to the missionary Baptist church every Sunday. Um that's a whole another story.

But I I knew some things about heaven, hell, and purgatory. And uh and I was thinking, man, maybe I'm in purgatory, you know? That'd be like sweet cuz you can get out of that you know.

U so I anyways I uh she said you need anything Daniel and I was like man you know it took me like 2 or 3 minutes to answer her cuz I was thinking what do you say you know what and uh I thought maybe they let you smoke in purgatory and I said uh a cigarette maybe would be nice and she said well okay you need to get your ass in that room next door there supposed to be an AA meeting. I said, "Yes, ma'am. I'm there." All right.

And that's how I went to my first AA meeting. I'd never been before. Didn't know what AA was.

Um, anyways, I I went into this room and there was three members of Alcoholics Anonymous carried a meeting in there. And I'll never forget this as long as I live. I hope I never do.

But these guys and and from what I understand, they're all three still sober to this day. But they carried the message to me. Okay.

And this is what I how I was. All right. I had turned into a nasty drunk.

Okay. That's all there is to say that when they weighed me in, I weighed 138 lbs. I had seed tick bites from head to toe from being hog tied on a gravel road in August in Arkansas.

I had cuts all over my face and upper body from fighting in jail. I probably hadn't bathed in a couple weeks. Uh, all right.

These people from Alcoholics Anonymous shook my hand and told me they was glad I was there. All right. And that's, you know, it it it'd been a long time since anybody shook my hand, you know, and uh told me they was glad I was I was there.

it. So they carried the message. They talked about themselves and what they used to be like and how they used to think and how they used to try to get to that perfect level and they couldn't and they'd go right back right past it.

Uh, and then they they shared about getting sober and working these 12 steps and alcoholics anonymous, you know, and uh, there was just something about it that I'll never forget that these people I just knew there was something real about them because who in their right mind would take time out of their busy schedule to come see a sick, nasty, drunk like me and uh, and try to help me? And I knew there was something real here. And I didn't know what it was.

But, uh, it gave me just enough hope that maybe if I do what these people did, I won't want to die, you know? Maybe if it really works like they say it does, I can have a life that's worth living. That's all I was after, you know, and and so that's what I did.

I got from there, I went to a treatment center. I went to Serenity Park. Thank God for that place, you know.

Yeah. We got some alumnists up in here, you know. Uh, I got down this real quick.

Spilled a little. I've always been messy drunk, but u, but anyways, I started working the steps. The first step, all I'm going to say is it was a relief to finally f find out what my problem is.

My problem is I'm just like all these people in AA. I have an allergy to alcohol. When I put one in me, I develop a phenomenal craving.

And when I'm not drinking, I'm obsessing about getting that sense of ease and comfort. So, I'm screwed because my brain's telling my body, my body can do something it physically cannot do. And that's a recipe for death and permanent insanity, you know.

And I was a firm believer because I experienced that firsthand, you know. I drank to the gates of insanity or death. And I was only 19 at the time, you know.

Uh but it was such a relief, you know, and then I found out, you know, that that my real problems in my mind because my body is never going to change. So I got to work these steps so that I never get so screwed up in the head that I think I have to take a drink to fix it. And um anyways, the third step, I had this experience in the shower one morning.

I shared about it last night, but I was like so scared of all this God stuff. I the last prayer I'd said before the third step prayer was God let me die or give me some kind of help and I ended up in hell. All right.

And um so I I was scared to death of of praying the third step prayer because I had seen in my childhood what happened when people get God in church and stuff. And that was not attractive to me at that time. All right.

I was like I said I was 19. I was a heathen. And you know, I was like I wasn't all about going and building huts in Ethiopia and handing out Bibles at the airport.

But uh just like I share last night, but I had a I reached a turning point. Okay, just like it says in how it works. We reached a turning point.

My turning point was in the shower one morning. I realized that I will do anything not to go back where I just came from. Anything.

I'll I'll stand on my head on top of the Washington monument with people planting bombs in it. Who cares? You know, whatever I got to do to to get this, you know, whatever these people tell me to do, I will do it.

You know, if I have to go build the huts, if I whatever. Uh and I made that decision that morning in the shower to go on with the steps. And today, of course, I understand that step a little differently.

I'm turning it over to the care of God as I understand him because my will, my life, my thinking, and my actions when I got here was all kinds of messed up. I needed a new set of directions cuz my directions were just messed up. And u my new set of directions was the steps.

So, I got I got working on the steps and the the fourth and fifth step. All right. When they explained to me, here's what you do.

You take these sheets of paper. You start out with the first column of the resentments. You write down everybody you're mad at or every institution.

And I was talking to my first sponsor about this and I was like, man, this is going to be so easy. And I pulled this list out of my wallet. I had made it at some time the last few weeks or months of my drinking that a list of everybody that had to die before I did.

And this and this is actually this is actually something that kept me alive one day. All right. Uh cuz there was one day I really was going to blow my brains out, but two two things stopped me.

One was all the people that had to die before I did. And two was it was about harvest time and I had some pot growing. All right.

So, uh and by the way, I got sober. I didn't get to smoke any of that stuff. My buddy got it all.

And uh but and thank God it got in time before I had to go to prison for it because they knew about long story. Anyways, let's get off of that. But uh so I anyway but I I made my inventory my first one.

All right, let me explain another thing about the burnt deal. All right, when they when they took me to detox, my parents and I hadn't drank or drugged in 5 days. Okay, I I love newcomers cuz I love talking to them, seeing where they're at mentally, like if they're even there with us because I wasn't.

All right. And they they say that, you know, about 5% of what I told them made sense. I couldn't talk and make senses.

So when I did my first fourth and fifth step, I did the best I could cuz I did not want to go back where I just came from. And it worked. All right?

If I looked at it today, I'd probably be like, "This is the biggest piece of crap you've ever seen." But it was the best I could do. And it worked. It kept me sober.

And I did the fifth step with my sponsor, you know. And then later in sobriety, some things happened where I had to get another sponsor and I got the chance to do it again. And I did, man, you talk about like thorough and like I got to get it all out and and thank God for that.

He had a plan to help me out with that. But uh anyways, these resentments I had such deepseated resentments and there were a few of them that were so hardcore that just doing the fifth step didn't just make them just go away like a lot of them. And so I had to pray for some people and I had to actually want to be free of the resentment before I could ever be willing to look at my part, you know, however insignificant my part seemed.

I mean, that's the only way I can get freedom. And uh so I eventually developed that willingness on those few resentments I had that were real deep-seated. And then the fear, man, that's something that I still experience today.

I mean, I still experience all this today, you know, but not near like it was, but u and the sex. Okay. U Amanda made me promise not to talk about the farm animals, but uh here, just let me I'm not going to say it.

But here's the deal about the sexual inventory. Thank God they wrote about sex in a spiritual book in when you know in the 30s. I think that took some guts and uh but I don't know that I'd be sober without it.

All right. And uh there were some things I had a lot of embarrassment and shame and remorse about in that area and other areas that I that I was never going to tell anybody. I was going to take him to my grave.

And I told my sponsor these things. And then he turned around said, "Man, that's you know, you're pretty sick." Yeah. But uh you know, I did some sick stuff like that.

Like this right here, you know, and he told me about and I was like, "Man, you know, that wasn't so bad." And now and what I gained from that fifth step experience was another human being in my life that knows everything there is to know about me. All the horrible stuff I was going to take to my grave and I can trust this person. First person I ever felt I could completely trust.

And you talk about some loneliness going away. All right. The fifth step promises.

You know, a lot of people I've heard share around where I go to AA talk you well anyway they talk about when they did the fistep they felt like 250 lb feed sacks been lifted off their shoulders you know and I didn't really get that you know but I got what it said in the book I got this stuff where it was like for the first time I felt like man maybe this will work you know I got this feeling that maybe there is a God that's going to help me you you know, and then I realized, man, I can look at people in the eye over the next few weeks. And I was like, man, you know, I can I can actually sleep at night without think about. So, anyways, u step six and seven, let's see how we're doing on time.

Oh, yeah. We still got about two and a half hours. We're good.

But, uh, but anyways, step seven, I'm not going to talk about ochre or nothing. I I got here for the end of uh of Larry's talk and that was he said it much simpler and better that I could ever say it that uh you know I've got to be become willing I become willing through the fifth step seeing how bad my character defects have screwed up my life and then I become humble because I realize that I cannot change myself self cannot overcome self you know I have to have a power greater myself and I say that sevenstep prayer and and I get up and I and I try to act like that God's removed them, you know, and I try to practice the opposite things from my defects of character. So anyways, and then and the eight and nine, you know, I don't have any well, I have some cool men stories.

I don't have time to tell them all, but you know, I've done this step and there's still a few that that I have to do, but I I would say this about eight and nine, two different things. In 2004, I I attended seven funerals, okay? And I got married to a beautiful woman sitting right here.

All right? But let me let me just say, all right, seven seven different funerals, family members, old drinking buddies, people I got sober with, best friends in the program, got married. All right.

In the year of 2004, I believe that I I ran into and met with every person I've ever known. You know, it's like every family member, every old drinking buddy that's still alive or not locked up, all my new friends, all you know, everybody. And I did not have to hide one time.

All right. I didn't have I could look every one of them in the eye. And uh that's that's another huge thing for me, you know, and that and that's because I've cleaned up the wreckage of my past as best I can.

You know, my sponsor told me to pray for the willingness and opportunity to make those amends. And that's what I did. And when and when the opportunity came, the willingness was there.

And uh you know, and the law, okay, I was not on good terms with the law, like I said. And uh they really really didn't like me. And I didn't give them any reasons to like me.

But here's how it was. Like they would see me out in public and lock me up there at the end of my drinking because they knew I was doing something illegal. And uh anyways, but today I've got this little construction business.

I built houses for like sergeants on a Sling County Sheriff's Department and lieutenants, you know? I mean, this is weird. Okay.

I remember being like three or four years sober building these houses for these guys and we did this audition for this guy that locked me up one time and I'm thinking, man, this is just too weird. All right. And then, you know, I found myself sitting in the sheriff of Selen County's house one day, just me and him.

This was about a year ago, talking about building onto his house. And I was just sitting there freaking out. He's like, "You want some coffee or coke or a cold beer or something?" And I was like, man, you know, and uh but uh I was like, "Some water, you know, give me some water, you know." And he was going to get some water and I was just sitting there freaking out thinking, you know, here I am in the sheriff of Selen County's house with him alone and he don't have a gun on me, you know, and that's, you know, that's part of that amends process.

I become a more respectable member of society. So anyways, you know, step 10 keeps me in check, you know. Step 11, conscious contact.

I got to talk about this. Uh oh, the hamster or whatever the hell it is. Are you falling asleep, buddy?

He's falling asleep. Okay, prop you up here talking to you. Uh, all right.

conscious conscious contact me and a a spons I had one time and he's in the rooms thank god today we were talking about the 11th step and I had a lot of problems with that step when I was getting sober and working the steps and and he was like you know what is conscious contact I was like man I think I know what it is but let's go ahead and look that up in the dictionary and it said to be preoccupied with conscious means to be preoccupied with or to have an awareness of I was like, man, that like simplifies it so so much it ain't even funny cuz it's asking me to seek through prayer meditation to be preoccupied with my higher power to be aware of the gifts my higher power has given me. And uh and that's so much simpler. You know, I remember and there may be a few of the people that participate in this in this room, but uh you know, I'll talk about this in meeting sometime, but I mean, I got kind of out there in the spiritual meditation field in early sobriety, you know, uh I'm not going to go into all that, but I got the time.

But anyways, okay, the 12th step. All right, the 11th step. I pray for God's will and the power to carry it out.

Knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. And my sponsor has told me that the simplest answer to what is God's will for me is the 12th step. All right.

I have had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. And I continue to have that. And when I begin to practice this principles in all my affairs and work with other alcoholics, I'm doing God's will.

And it's that simple. And I don't have to get all screwed up in the head about these decisions like, should I go to school? Should I go to work?

Should I go, you know, should I live here? Should I live there? You know, and and I've been told, you know, that God's more interested in what what am I doing right here in this moment?

You know, they read how it works. God, there's one has all power. That one is God.

May you find him now. And and my sponsor always stresses to me that means right now, you know, right now in this moment, that's where God is. So anyways, uh I got to talk about this circle and triangle we got on all our stuff.

How much time I got? About five hours. Okay.

U really. But the circle and triangle we got here in AA and the three sides of the triangle are recovery, unity, and service. And I I frame houses for a living.

We always frame the frame the roof in the shape of a triangle because it's most structurally sound structure. Like if you look at this roof, there's triangles everywhere. You know, these trusses got triangles in them.

The roof's a triangle. You take one side of that triangle out and the whole thing falls down. And uh that's how my sobriety is.

I have got to have recovery through working the steps of my sponsor. I've got to have the unity of being actively involved in a home group. I've got to have the service through actively being involved in general AA service work.

And those three things are extremely important to me. You know, like I said, I I have a huge debt to Alcoholics Anonymous. those people that came and cared for me when I was nasty, you know, and that's why I take it serious, you know.

And so, uh, this this convention, I have got to talk about this a little bit, you know, I had the privilege of going through the archipel committee and, uh, man, let me just say that God to my understanding gives me opportunities to be of service at all times through the day. He he gives me opportunities to have service commitments. You know, when I when I walk in and take the action and follow through on these opportunities, I get blessed big time, right?

What I mean by that is, you know, as a result of service, as a result of whatever, you know, that's how I met my wife was being on this committee. That's how I met like a lot of good friends. You know, there's people in other states that would allow me into their home.

You know, I didn't have that kind of stuff when I got here. you know there uh anyways I could go on and on about that but service commitments are real important to me th this year uh the 1 of January I rotated out as alternate DCM of district 8 and I didn't get elected to DCM and I wasn't upset about that at all because that meant I got to come to Accupa instead of the Schwarza or whatever but uh okay but uh but anyways I found myself without a serious AA commitment, okay? Service commitment.

And you know, I I was still carrying message places, treatment center, prison down in Malour. But but it just freaks me out not to have cuz I mean I started out as chip boy and my home group and there's some people here that could tell you they would not let me give that job up for two years. By God, you're going to do two years, you know.

And uh I was like, well, look at this guy. He's a newcomer. He needs, you know, no, we have commitments.

And uh so anyways, a group of the young people here in central Arkansas got together and started talking about forming an icky paw big committee and I was like, "Hell yay, I'll do it." And uh and we had our elections. They elected me chairman. So uh so now I got a commitment, you know, and it's like and it's just awesome.

But uh I got to talk just a little bit about young people stuff. Okay. Um, and I and I was meditating earlier today and I was trying to think of what was the first Young People stuff I went to.

All right. When I got out of treatment, I went to a halfway house in Apollois, Louisiana. >> What?

>> All right. I'll drink to that. >> Okay.

Just outside Lafayette. All right. But anyway, the first uh young people stuff I remember going to Friday nights.

And man, I look forward to going to this was uh what was the name of the group? Some of y'all remember >> Simply Sober. >> Simply Sober at the Camel House.

All right. And uh I'd go up in there and and see young people having fun. And it blew my mind because I thought that I was a freak of nature for being sober at my age and that sobriety was going to be like go go go to work, go to a meeting, go home and lock the doors and hire a guard and but uh but it it ain't nothing like that.

But uh but then I got back to to Arkansas and I went to meetings. There was a guy named Estus that everybody's talked about and his son Daniel and uh Bart C and a few other people that that I would go to these meetings in Little Rock and they would say, you know, and Estus had a real nice way of saying it, but uh he say you need to get your state fund and crackhead ass down to the next argu Paul business meeting. like, "Okay, man." And uh but so that's how I got involved in Archipaw, you know, and it was and they and they drew me in.

Okay. And another thing I got to say about young people's stuff, I arip, all this stuff, the facts, aims, and purposes of Ickaw, I don't know if it still says this, but it used to. It said that the purpose is to carry young people into the mainstream of Alcoholics Anonymous through service.

That is the purpose, you know, not so we can get get wild and tear up stuff and, you know, vandalize hotels, you know. It's it's >> steel banners. >> Steel banners.

God. But it but anyway all right, let's not get into that. That's an issue.

That's that's a that is an issue and it's somewhere outside. But uh but so anyways but that you know that that's the purpose of all this you know is for these people to get involved and that's what my story is. I got involved on Archipaw, you know, and then after being chip boy for two years, they actually trusted me to be alternate GSR and then I was GSR, then alternate ECM, you know, so that's what it did for me, you know, and you know, anyways, that's all I'm going to say.

But there were these young people and there weren't near as many as there are now in central Arkansas. But these people made it fun, you know, they made it cool to be sober young, you know, like we went swimming at the Blue Holes. Maybe or maybe we didn't have our clothes on, but we went, you know, I mean, we did a lot of fun stuff and I and it was like all these people like Estus, man.

I mean, everybody remembers him and he made it fun, you know. He all the people, Daniel and had a lot of fun with these people. They made it fun for me, you know, and that's why like now people say, you know, I get real alcoholic with the fires and stuff like that, but like man, I you know, that's that's what it's all about.

Just so we can have fun. I mean, I was I was standing out there smoking right when the the Marty Gro started. I mean, that just chokes me up every year to see a bunch of bunch of drunks having so much fun, you know, and we ain't got to be messed up to do it.

And it's like we're we're in the moment, you know? we're right here in this moment. We're having fun.

And uh so that's what I try to do, you know? And and here's another thing about fun. Okay?

When I was drinking, my belief was I had to drink to be to have fun to be happy. All right? Now, it's completely opposite.

I work the steps as a byproduct of right living. I get happiness. As a result of that, I can have fun no matter what I'm doing.

And let me tell you something. Uh you can have fun no matter what you're doing. We have a lot of fun at work now.

I mean there's some there's some there's some alcoholics that work with me and uh some cousins and some that probably need to be with us, but we have all kinds of fun messing with each other. Messing with each other. Let me tell you one thing.

I got to skip back to something. Uh man, being like this this uh this full circle deal, okay? Like I was sharing about that wasn't going to talk about okay but like when you sharing your uh story your fistep with your sponsor about all these things that you are horribly ashamed of and they share with you and you find out man I'm really not that bad.

I'm just a sick person and I can get better. And then you sponsor somebody and and and they have a hard time and maybe they've left something out and you go like well are there any farm animal stories or anything? and like and like here's here's like my most ashamed thing I've ever done and then and they're like whoa man I wasn't gonna tell you but look I did some some of this you know and then you're like and then it's like it's like where your most sick most things I was most ashamed of help somebody a lot you know and man some of them are just downright hilarious I did a fistep with a guy bless I I laughed my ass off for four or five hours and I begged him for a year to tell people about some of these things in his fist cuz it was just so funny.

I just I just could not hold it. I mean I like I'm dying here, man. You know, other people need to know you need to write stories about this or something like I mean this was some really sick stuff but it's hilarious.

But but now now he's sponsoring people, you know, and he's telling them that stuff and they get to hear it and laugh about it and tell them his stuff, you know, it's like it's just a never ending chain, you know, and and that's awesome. But anyways, uh I guess I got to start wrapping it up here. Um what is it like now?

All right. What what it's like for me now. I do the same things to stay sober now as I did my first nine days of sobriety.

Okay, the 10th step is very simple and clear. When, not if, resentment, self-pity, selfishness, dishonesty pop up. When these pop up, I got four things to do.

Talk it over with my sponsor immediately. Make amends to somebody if I owe them amends. Ask God to remove it.

And turn my thoughts to someone else I can help. That's simple, you know. That's not rocket science.

the and and then you know the 11th step continuing to seek that awareness of God and then the 12step practicing the principles. I mean these are simple things you know and and there is no advanced AA I love there's a guy used to go last chance meeting that uh he would share you know he hears people say you know I got to get back to basics I'm getting in a funk I need to get back to the basics and he's like does that mean that there's like an advanced AA course like you go like from basic to intermediate to advanced you know but uh but there ain't you know all we have is basics all we have is a first turn 64 pages in the doctor's opinion. Everything I need to know about how to live a sober life is in there.

So, uh to the newcomers, I would like to say do not quit before the miracle happens. Expect a miracle. You know, if it can happen for me, it can happen for you.

And we share our experience, strength, and hope. My hope is a growth and maintenance of a spiritual experience. Okay?

But beyond that, my hope is to go on like some very dear friends of mine that are now in the big meeting in the sky and graduate successfully. You know, that's my hope. There's a guy uh Mike Seaman died last year and was a very close friend of mine worked for me, was in my home group and uh he got cancer and died a month later and knew he was dying.

And uh I'll never forget it. you know, if you'd have told him there's 12 simple steps you got to do and you won't have cancer, he'd have done it. Lucky he split, you know, and uh but he went on and I mean, he was he was calmer than his family through all of it, you know, and I mean it just amazed me, you know, these these are my heroes.

people like him, people like Estus, people like you know, all the old-timers that have gone on and u you know, but it's not just them. It's the new people coming in behind us. You know, it's getting to see the lights come on.

You know, that's my hope is to stick around to see that happen some more, to see people come alive. You know, this is this is where dead people come to life. Okay, that's what happened for me.

And it is a joy of my life to get to see that happen. U you know next year I hope everybody comes back and bring a newcomer. You know uh everybody needs to stick around for some Jenga.

I'm talking about you know I have fun. I mean know like what I'm saying because I'm happy on the inside man at Lacy Paul this year. I got to share this.

I have got to share this. All right. Some of y'all are not experienced with Jenga.

Uh some people say it's some of that young people's crap that doesn't need to happen. But uh I there there was this one guy, I forget his name. I ain't going to say his name because that wouldn't be right.

But he knocked it over. I had to give him a lick. And I have never seen the pre-mack jitters as bad as I'm talking about.

Dude just bent over. Oh, do it. Get it over with.

You know, and I I was laughing so hard I about couldn't hit it. And then he turned around, knocked it over again, and went through the same thing again. And I mean, there's like such joy in my heart as I mean, it's like it's like it just don't get any better than this.

I mean, this is a life I've always dreamed of, you know? I mean, like like how can you have more fun? Uh so anyways, y'all need to stick around for that.

We're gonna have a another fire and all that, you know, burn. But I'm g I'm going to go ahead and close with a a little story that won't take two seconds, but there was one of these guys that I talk about going on to the big meeting in the sky. His name was Asil, and there was a few people from Benton here probably remember him, but he was this short old man when I got sober.

And he was one of these old guys that that had this deal and lived a spiritual life. and he'd run up to you when you come through the door and give you a big hug and say, "Man, I'm glad you're here." And when he first did that, I was like, "Man, what you know, I didn't come here for all that." But he uh anyways, I was about a year and a half sober, something like that. All my buddies were going to prison and dying.

I'm in here in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've worked the steps. My life has gotten so much better.

I'm trying to work with with sponses, but nothing seems to be working. They're still going back out. And I just shared in this meeting, you know, what the hell, you know, why am I here?

Why did I get to get sober and everybody else is dying? You know, what I can't even help these people, you know, which I understand now, just an ego issue, but but uh but anyways, I I was really frustrated, really wondering what my real purpose here is. And he pulled me aside after the meeting.

He said, "Daniel, you are here because God has a plan and a purpose for your life, so make it count." And that's all I got. Thank you. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.