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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. My name is Scott Redmond. I'm an alcoholic.

And Mike just said is one of those speakers that uh you never tire of. And Alexander went I'd like to uh I can't thank the committee enough and Bill and and uh the people who put this thing together for putting it together for inviting me. This this roundup changed my life 12 years ago.

the first time that I uh participated in I got to meet uh my friend Cliff who's uh become a a big part of my life and there were friendships and relationships started that weekend that have become key parts of my life in my sobriety and uh participating in this roundup is a big deal for me. It's uh it's a it's great to be here. Um can I see hands of people in their first year please?

>> Wow. >> >> Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. I can't tell you how glad uh I am that you're here.

I um I heard a couple of weeks ago, I think it's the best way I've ever heard a newcomer qualify ever. And I love collecting qualifications. I love I've heard guys uh refer to themselves as crack monsters and dope fiends and you know uh but I was at a meeting and um people were raising their hand with less than 30 days.

Guy said, "My name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic. My name's Carmen.

I'm an alcoholic." And a guy got up and said, "My name's Tom. Big problem. Big problem." And then he sat down.

And I could have gone home right there cuz I believed him. This uh friend of mine has been sober a long time. I met him at my first home group uh described his behavior as an alcoholic.

He said most people live they say you you know most people say ready aim fire. Ready aim fire. And he said his entire life he went ready fire aim.

And I I completely get ready fire aim. So, you know, it doesn't really matter when I aim, you know, after that. If you're new, I like to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous.

If you're a drug addict, I like to welcome you to AA. If you're a dope fiend, which is somehow worse than any of us, I like to welcome you to AA. If you're part of that new very exotic group that I just I Cliff and I actually were introduced to him the same night at the old town speakers meeting.

It was the first time we ever heard anybody identify as a tweaker. We'd like I'd like to welcome you. You got There you go.

Man has no idea why he's raising his hands. They have no short-term memory at all. Um I like you guys.

I like you guys. Every part of your face is moving in a different direction. Touched yourself till you're dehydrated.

We're glad you're here. I'm not making fun of you, but I'm coming close. And I And I'll tell you, cuz I don't care if you're like the like a big energizing bunny tweaking dope monster, bigfooted dope addicts.

I I don't care. I don't care what you got. Just catch alcoholism.

I did not have alcoholism when I came to AA. I have a fatal case of it now. Um but I did not have it when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I uh I caught alcoholism in AA meetings. It enters through the ear and it infects you and then you start infecting other people. And uh there were a lot of things wrong with me when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, but alcoholism absolutely was not one of them.

I'm I'm Jewish and Jews don't drink because it might dull the pain and uh you know you just don't want to squander any agony opportunity that presents itself one of the first guys that ever helped me in AA at my first home group. I was a couple weeks sober and this guy identified. He said, "I'm an ex-Catholic, which means I don't believe in God and I'm therefore positive that God is going to come kill my ass for feeling that way." And I said, "I'll sit near him because I completely understood that." So, if you're new, I just want to I want to urge you as much as I possibly can to stick around long enough to get a diagnosis.

Just find out what alcoholism is. And I want to tell you, it took me a long, if you had asked me that first day, if I was an alcoholic, I would have said no. I'm glad nobody asked me.

You know, uh, I have I have this weird reaction to alcohol. I can't stop. I can't moderate once I begin.

I'm part of a of a a separate class of of persons who are actually physically allergic to it. And if you're special and a drug addict, try some controlled crack smoking. you know, just fill your mouth up with crack smoke and say, "I'm not in the mood." and blow it out and uh hats will fill the air.

>> I work alone, but thank you. Don't get over sober on me. Don't get over sober.

Um and it that would be okay. If it was just a physical allergy, I'd be fine. I really would be fine.

But I have this bizarre thinking. It it it's it's referred to as alcoholic thinking. It's the source of a lot of mirth at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

Um and I've got it I've got it I got it bad. Um I uh and I still do stuff. I mean my wife came home.

I was making the bed and I start thinking while I'm making the bed. So I lose track. So I unfurl the sheet.

I hook myself behind the head and drive my head into the bed and I and my wife looks really concerned, you know. I I I'm I'm trying to fix my kid's phone, so I'm going to call their phone to see if it works. So, I call their phone and then I start thinking and the phone rings and I go, "Who the hell is calling me while I'm trying to fix the phone?" And my kids just go oh, and this is like a couple of months ago.

I'm I'm not I'm not going uh way far back, but I've got this I've got this nutty thinking and I've got it uh that's why I do more in AA than I ever have before. And and that's why I've been hanging out with people who do more. I hang out I've been hanging out with people since I got sober.

When things get good, they do more. When things get bad, they do more. They just do more.

Some years ago, I was uh about 14 years sober and I uh needed surgery on my hand and uh my doctor said, "You know, you're going to need general anesthetic." And I said, "General anesthetic? That's great. General anesthetic?

Normal people don't get excited about general anesthetic. There's no normal person that really goes." And I'll tell you why. I leave the surgery out.

They don't leave THE SURGERY OUT. I LEAVE the I like I'm gonna be wounded and you know, but they don't leave that part out. I do.

I do. And I'll tell you why. Cuz I know about general anesthetic.

I know when they hit you with it, they say count backwards from 100 and you go 100 99. I love 99. I love it.

I love it. The difference is I won't trade my my life in for it. One of the most misqued lines in the big book of AA for me has always been, I've heard people say, "My worst day in here is better than my best day out there." No.

No. Let's see. A pound of cocaine and an all female jazz band or a panel chino?

I don't know. What do you want to do? What do you you GOT TO BE NUTS.

I HAD A GREAT I love drinking. Um what the guy says at the end of chapter 3 basically is I wouldn't trade my worst day in here for my best day out there cuz I won't trade this way of life. I won't live like a sap anymore.

I won't take a a nickel today when I could have a quarter tomorrow. And I understand that. A couple of years after this uh thing with my hand, I was seeing a different doctor.

And he said, "You know that surgery that you you needed on that hand? You need it on your other hand." And I said, "Uh, guess we'll be having some of that general anesthetic." And the guy looked at me like I was nuts. He said, "You don't need general anesthetic with this." And my first thought was, "No, I need another goddamn doctor is what I do now.

I just want to tell this story cuz I see I'm already I got a couple of people nodding out on me which is fine. It's fine. I'd prefer it if you had just shot Deludant and there was some excuse.

But if you're bored and you could get bored. It's going to be a little bit to go this evening. I want to tell you my favorite story about being bored in AA because I just haven't told for a while.

I love this story. I had a friend named Jeff D who was at my old my old home group and he was brand new and he was shifting around in his seat and his sponsor said, "What's the matter?" Then Jeff said, "I'm bored." And his sponsor said, "Well, you know why you're bored?" And Jeff said, "No." Sponsor said, "You're bored because you're boring. That's why you're bored." And it was like an acid moment for him.

He just went, "Wow, dude." He just it flipped him out, you know, and he thought, "What a great thing to say to a newcomer, you know? He could hardly wait till the newcomer told him that they were bored." 13 years later, no newcomer has told him that they're bored. He's at a meeting at the North Hollywood Group and uh he's with this young lady who was new and she's shifting around in her seat and he said, "What's the matter?" She said, "I'm bored." He said, "Boy, you know why you're bored?" She said, "Yeah, cuz I'm with you.

So, welcome if you're bored. If you're new, a lot of what I'm going to say tonight's going to sound like this. That's okay.

I have a great great This is the only newcomer I've ever This like the shortest newcomer joke I ever heard. I called a newcomer today. Hello, he lied.

Wow. At any rate, I um I've got this weird thinking that keeps talking me into taking a drink I can't stop taking. And I developed this spiritual tapeworm, this cancer of the soul that ate me up inside and left me hollow and insane and alone.

And that's alcoholism. And I didn't have that the first day I walked in here. I didn't know it and I didn't know that I was beyond human help even though you heaped evidence as to the hopeless on upon me as to the hopelessness of my situation and I was deflated of ego at depth enough and my ego didn't repair itself fast enough.

So I let some grace in and I experienced the the touch of the master's hand and I started to get well and it was a long ugly trip up until that point. I uh grew up in the Bronx in New York City to a completely insane family. My wife never believed me about my family until she met him.

And uh my mom had thrown an engagement party for us and my my aunt Rose came to the party and wore her wig and it was backwards and it had a bun on it. So the bun was bouncing off her forehead all night. It she wore it beret style sort of jaunty a skew.

It was a look she was going after. This was not uh she wasn't disoriented. Um if you got anything for free in my family, I meant it was stolen.

And I had an uncle who used to get he was a welder and he used to get free bales of steel wool. Like here's your paycheck and your complimentary bail of steel wool. and um his wife took a decorating course and made throw pillows for the whole house and filled them with the free steel wool and that that stuff works its way through on you after a while.

So you look at the whole room, everybody be moving a little bit. You know, the whole whole room was like a living, pulsing, breathing thing. And um and there was mental and physical abuse and chronic institutionalization and suicide attempts.

And um and if you're new here, all I've got is good news is my family didn't have anything to do with making me an alcoholic. I'm not telling you that my family didn't injure me. I was terribly injured as a child.

And I'm not telling you I haven't had to do a lot of stuff about that. I have. But I am telling you they didn't make me a drunk.

They couldn't possibly have come up with this alchemy of three elements that joined together to create this landscape of resentment, fear, and sexual misconduct that plucked me beyond the possibility of being helped by conventional medicine, clergy, well-meaning people, people who loved me. And I didn't have a clue. And I was being literally eaten by it.

Until a couple of months before I got sober, I found my wife locked in a a bathroom, pregnant with our second child, weeping, convinced that she was giving our baby cancer and there was nothing wrong with her. We just had alcoholism. So I uh I grew up in the Bronx with this crazy family.

I got put into therapy for uh I was in psychotherapy for 18 years. By the time I got to AA, I was going to be dead, but I was going to understand it. And I have no beef against therapy at all.

I I'm in therapy now. Uh I I I my colossal mistake is I was trying to treat my alcoholism with psychotherapy. I mean, the the idea of most therapy is to uncover, discover, unravel, to reassociate, to delve in your past.

Most conventional sometimes Freudian therapy, uh that's some of the treatment. And if you have an if you have if you're neurotic, I don't know if anyone here has ever been too referred to as a neurotic. You you have anxiety.

You have anxiety and you come up with a resolution for the anxiety and it's bad. It's a bad resolution. It's a bad idea.

So your solutions are worse than your problems. And that's a neurosis. You just you have anxiety.

You're bad resolution more anxiety. So I go to therapy. I say, "Lord, I'm feel terrible." Why?

Well, I was so drunk yesterday. I was too drunk to walk, so I drove. Well, what are we gonna do about that?

Let's talk about it. I got an idea. What were you thinking just before you did it?

Nothing. Nothing. How you going to treat nothing?

I feel terrible. Why? Well, yesterday I sharpened a hypodermic needle on the back of a Matchbook Striker and sucked some heroin up through a fluffed up cigarette filter and then I injected I I just feel terrible.

What were you thinking just before you did it? Nothing. Nothing.

And if you ask the alcoholic why they've done this thing, why have they acted without reason? Why? How could this happen?

My alcoholism goes below the horizon. It stops presenting itself as a real piece of business and I act without explanation, without reason. I have every reason in the world not to drink, but it stops presenting.

Sometimes I'll fall in love, out of love, I'll get a job, I'll lose a job. Something will happen and it'll stay above the horizon as a real piece of business for a period of time, but it's on my own juice. And if it's on my own juice, I'm going to get distracted or I'm going to experience the phenomenon of craving or the strange mental twist or I'm a resentment's going to come up and tag me or a fear and it's going to go below the horizon and I am going to act in a way where this meaningless thing is precious to me and I again stomp all over my life.

Um I uh didn't want to be an alcoholic when I was a kid. I uh so I I conquered my alcohol problem with marijuana. I'd like to welcome all the pot smokers here.

You remember wow, right? Wow. Wow.

Right after wow usually came. What? What?

Wow. What? Wow.

WHAT? WOW. WHAT?

WOW. WOW. WHAT?

WHAT? WATCHING A POT smoker is like watching a dog try to run on lenolum. There's a lot of activity but no movement.

They they just can't get a claw in the rug. I overcame my marijuana problem with pills and uh conquered pills with cocaine. Cocaine is an excellent drug.

It's particularly good for sex if you enjoy sex from the Neolithic period. Um, welcome if you're new. I'm glad you're here.

We have a sexual inventory. That'll be exciting. Um, and I drank till I didn't want to be a drunk.

Alcohol was on the table every day. And I was about in my early 20s. I was going through a cycle where I was using uh introvenous drugs and I was hitchhiking from the Bronx down to Manhattan and my I was picked up by my aunt and uncle.

My father had had a massive stroke and uh I was taken to the hospital and I couldn't show up for my pop. I couldn't I couldn't do it. I the curtain was down.

I couldn't even go and touch him in the cheek and tell him I love him and watch him take his light into another room. And I felt like an a pig, an animal. I had holes in my arms.

I couldn't I collapsed as a son, as a man, as a brother. And I had to do some fast work. I I couldn't fit the pain in my head.

And I came up with something pretty quick that it was it was needles and heroin. And all I had to do was never put a needle in my arm again. And I wouldn't be the guy who couldn't show up for his old man.

So, I didn't I didn't put a needle in my arm. Not for 13 years. Shortly after that, I was acting in a Broadway play and uh this new usherette walked in with long brown hair and I took one look at her and w I didn't even to say hello to her.

I walked back into the dressing room of the show and I stood up on a chair and I announced to the male members of this cast that if anyone talked to the new usherette with long brown hair, I'd break all the bones in their hands and feet. and we've been uh married 28 and a half years in part because we've never wanted to get divorced at the same time. I think it's a little My wife will be the first to admit that one of the most troublesome and annoying and debilitating defects of character for me in sobriety and out of sobriety has been the defect of mind readading.

I think that I know what people are thinking and um they're never thinking anything good. By the way, I I I never read a mind and go the guy's going, "Hey, you're pimpy. I like you.

You're cool." They're always going, "You're a dip. You don't know what you're doing. You're wrong." Um my wife one day said to me, "Honey, you're not a mind readader.

You're barely a mind user." Which that hurt. That hurt. and and we had a great time.

We had a great time. I was acting on Broadway. We moved in with each other about a minute and a half later, you know, and and uh look, if you're new, you really are going to you're going to hear some wacky stuff about alcoholism now that you're here.

Some of it might sound true, and some of it might mean something to you, and some of it might not. The stuff that's been annoying to me over the years, I have yet to find in the big book of AA. Never found it.

I've heard and but it but it works for some people. It's not this stuff shouldn't be said, but it's kind of interesting. I've heard alcoholics don't like change.

Just do not like change of any kind. I don't like change. I don't like, but I I I love change that I like.

I seem to have an endless amount of patience for it. I've never heard anyone get to a podium and say, "Oh, I hit the lottery. I'm having sex with identical twins.

It's killing me. I I can't take these changes. I've heard alcoholics are perfectionists.

I'm a pig. I The only time that I seem to ever have a a an explosion of perfectionism is when my wife is caring for me. Then that's when the perfectionism really.

But my my favorite my absolute all-time favorite is uh that alcoholics are above average intelligence. I have only heard this at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I have never heard it at an Alanon meeting ever.

Oh, you are whips. It's hard for me to be above average intelligence after I've hooked myself behind the head and driven my head into a bed. And Nancy and I had a great time.

Um, and it went on for a while. We had a great time. I was acting in New York.

I started directing plays. I had my own theater in New York. We did some great stuff.

She started a career. And she really after a while, I wish I had noticed she started becoming very troubled. um at at a a certain point she became troubled and difficult and argumentative.

I didn't know how bad she was getting and um I came home one day. We had these 32 oz iced tea tumblers in the house and I popped a cork on a bottle of wine and emptied the entire bottle of wine into this glass. Now I'm going to make a Cliff Ro face now.

It's the pre Allen on rat face. This one he does it better than me. He looks like a a trained attack muppet sometimes.

He goes I said, "What?" She said, "What are you doing?" And I looked at her and I said, "I'm having a glass of wine." Can a man have a glass of wine in his own house? We became so sick that a guy lent us his car and we sold his car. I just never tire of saying that.

And I'm I'm as stunned today as I was the first time I realized I had done it, which was Guy Lennis's car. We didn't have rent money. No, no, really.

And um I looked into NY's eyes. is I said, "I am so sick of being a punk, irresponsible kid. I've had it.

We're drawn a line in the sand. We are going to stand on our own two feet. We're going to sell the car.

We're not." And she looked at me and said, "Let's do with with tears in her eyes." I will never forget that guy's voice on the phone as long as I live. Said, "You sold my car? That's like housesitting for someone and they come back and you're in escrow.

What? What? What are you talking about?

What do you mean? YOU SOLD MY CAR. BUT I I WAS ABLE TO SELL THIS CAR FOR THE SAME reason that I like general anesthetic.

I go from problem general anesthetic. I go from let's pay the rent. Pay the rent.

I leave out Grand Theft Auto. I leave out surgery and Grand Theft Auto. La.

That's gone. Gone. Someone had to forge the pink slip.

But we did the right thing. Sacrificed. Oh my god.

Our son Jesse was born. Our son Michael was born. and our oldest son, Micah, and he he was really welcomed into the world.

We were surrendered by friends and family and got a ton of phone calls. He was really welcomed into our community. And 2 years and 9 months later, when our son Jesse was born, in in those two years and 9 months, we had become completely isolated from alcoholism.

No one showed up at the hospital. No one called. No one sent a flower.

And it wasn't because people didn't love us. It really, really hurt too much to be around us. It was too scary.

We went to the hospital to have Jesse that day. I hadn't paid the doctor and we didn't know if he was going to show up. Um, I told you that a couple of weeks before that I had found Nancy locked in the bathroom convinced that she was killing our baby because there was a spiritual tapeworm in her.

something had entered our life that our lives kept just running out between our fingers like a handful of water over and over and over again and we didn't know what it was. And you know there's there's not a lot of terrific places to be in a hospital but the maternity ward gets pretty close when things are okay. It's a pretty cool place.

And there was my wife in extreme psychological duress. Jesse was sick when he was born. He was in neonatal intensive care and there was nobody with her.

And a doctor who I had never met before called me that night at our home and said, "Mr. Redmond, where are you?" And I said, "You know what? I can't find anybody to watch my kid.

I have a 2-year-old son at home. I can't I I uh three-year-old and I I can't uh" And she said, "I'll tell you what, my husband is home. I'll give you my phone number.

This is a huge metropolitan hospital." She said, "You can bring my your son to my house and my my husband will take care of him so you can be with your family." And I said, "No." I had no way to accept this woman's generosity. And how's this? That was the terrible night my son was born.

The terrible night my son was born. And um and now my poor son Micah had to be locked in the house with me, racked with fear and and guilt and shame. He would have been better off if I had taken him to the waiting room and left him alone with a coloring book.

At least he could have got the hell away from me. And uh and little were we to know it's it's what gorge you know what Bill talks about gorgeously in his story. Little were we to know this is going to continue for three years.

Three years after this awful night. Three years of broken promises, destroyed opportunities. I suffered from chronic success my entire life.

By the time I got to AA, I had directed a TV show, a movie. I had my own theater. I had a book on the bestseller list.

I did all of these things a time cuz after I'd leave they'd move the business so I couldn't find it again. I was the kind of guy I'd be working someplace 30 or 60 days and they start blaming each other for having hired me, you know, which is awful when they you got no you brought them. No, you no.

It's a terrible feeling. Um and uh we try to make a go of it. We try to move through the alcoholic landscape of our lives.

And our children um our children just suffered miserably as a result of this disease. When Micah was about four years old, our family was at uh at McDonald's and Micah walked over to a family we didn't know and he had never met before. He walked up to this family and he said to this family, "My father's an alcoholic and my mother has cancer." And Nancy walked up to the the horrified walked to the table kind of took Mike away and looked at this family and said, "I my husband is not an alcoholic.

it we we lose I've heard my wife say as a as a incredibly committed member of Allenon I've heard her talk about this I've heard her talk about it with new women we get stupid we get stupid alcoholics get stupid their friends and family it makes us we act without reason that that thinking that's described in the second and third chapter I'll stop after the sixth one what's the use anyhow how did it happen again it's it's it's right in there. I see it. I saw it in my children.

I saw it in my kids. My kids were either pointlessly aggressive on route to a goal that never got attained or they just threw the towel in. So, what's the use?

What the hell's the use anyhow? And by April 22nd, 1985, my sons were six and three. They were crushed by alcoholism.

They were not they were cut out from the society of other children. Their small motor skills were screwed up. They were uh they were a wreck.

Uh Nancy and I were tongue- chewing, babbling idiots. Um and on and I put a needle in my arm again. I crossed the line I swore I would never cross.

Why? Why not? It was time.

I called my therapist in my 18th year of psychotherapy, my first union therapist. And I told him what I had done. And he said to me that morning the exact same thing that Carl Young told the man who told the man who 12step the man who 12step the man who 12step Bill Wilson.

He said to me on the phone that day, "There's absolutely nothing that can be done for you." And that's what Carl Young told Roland Hazard after being analyzed by him and drinking afterwards. I said, "What are you talking about?" He said, "I can't help you. the only thing I can suggest is we have you institutionalized.

And then he said to me the thing that Carl Young couldn't say to Roland Hazard. He said, "Or you go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous." Now, why I went to the uh the meeting is a mystery to me. It's an absolute mystery to me.

Why I'm a guy who loved dental surgery, who looked forward to general anesthetic, why I didn't go to the mental institution, that's an uninterrupted source of narcotics. That's a chance to be with my people. colorful and adventurous people.

That's that's where you write a book in the nuth, right? Um why I went to that AA meeting is an absolute mystery to me. I got up at 5:00 in the morning.

I put my best clothes on. I got a bad check to write you and I went to a clubhouse called Unit A in the San Fernando Valley, right next to a lovely Polynesian themed bar named The Tonga Hut. I walked into this room.

I looked around and I said to myself, "Oh my god. Oh god. How did this happen?

Alcoholics Anonymous. How did I wind up in Alcoholics Anonymous? This is beyond lame.

This is beyond church, beyond synagogue. This is some plateau of lameness I never even imagined was available to me. Alcoholics Anonymous." And the room looked like it was the product of like 200 years of inbreeding to me.

You know, there were like identical twins carving their initials on each other's feet in the back of the room as far as I was concerned. And everything was a miracle. I'm a miracle.

You're America. Oh, the coffee. Oh, what a miracle.

The coffee is such a miracle. Cliff, I'll I'll leave this up for you for later on. Then the the unsolicited AA information guy, he saw me after the meeting.

You know him. He's got a belt buckle large enough to serve an entire fish on. Do I want what you've got?

No. No. But thanks for spitting on me.

I appreciate it. See you next week. Do we hook a rug next week?

What happens? I'm going to the arts and crafts are going to start next week. I'm waiting for the Jew hunt to start.

I know that's going to break out any minute, right? Come on, Haimey. Strap these antlers on.

Come on. IT'LL BE FUN. WE'LL knock his beanie off.

When he bends down to pick it up, we'll push him over. It'll be fun. Come on.

Everybody's going. Always wanted to run a big buck Jew. I went back to that meeting every morning for a year.

and one of my dear friends who I met that first day is in the crowd tonight who I just adore and we've known each other almost 20 years and I just love her to pieces. And the only reason that I think I went back to this room is I was out of plans. If you're new here, I pray for you that you are out of plans.

If you're new here and you have a plan, it's probably a be >> >> Don't use your plan. Grab one of us after the meeting and tell us your plan. We want to know the plan.

My favorite newcomer plan over the years, the most utilized newcomer plan, has been the one more dope deal to set myself up financially for sobriety plan. It becomes more popular the closer you get to lemongr. So if you're new, if you be a muan, welcome to AA.

And uh some of the closest people to me in alcoholics anonymous were sitting in that room and people who I met in that room. one of the guys there, Milton M, uh, couple of months later, his, uh, wife, Ruby, became my wife's sponsor and has been my wife's sponsor, uh, all these years. And, uh, I don't know what happened to me that day.

All I can tell you is that I had an window of opportunity. If you're new here, some of us might get a little pushy and a little nutty if you've stopped drinking. You see, the not drinking part's a moose.

If it was not for the not drinking part, we would be a much bigger organization. I guarantee it. I guarantee it.

It's that not drinking thing really screws a lot of people up. Here it is. If you're new, when you want to drink, don't.

Yikes. It's really crazy. It's a crazy idea.

And um and I was just crushed enough to let in enough. And you know, when you're new, we we we get pushy. We want we would like to see you take advantage of the opportunity that's been afforded you if you've stopped drinking.

If you've gotten out of the cycle of spray and remorse for a period of time because sometimes these opportunities disappear really quickly and then times sometimes you hear about people who stay untreated for a long period of time but they don't drink and maybe I could be one of those guys. Well, I didn't I didn't find out. And uh I stuck around alcoholics anonymous for six months and I went to meetings.

My wife reached out to the Allen on family groups. Uh I know exactly when cuz she raised her hand at her first meeting and said, "My name's Nancy. I'm and my husband's 37 days sober." And that was the end of my countdown in Alanon.

Um and uh I tell you if I would get very confused sometimes when I was new. I would go to AA meetings occasionally and hear people telling uh jokes about Alanon. I'm not talking about goodnatured jokes.

We tell enough good-natured jokes about alcoholics. I'm talking about mean uh you know until I stuck around long enough to find out that the people who were doing that had no information, real information about the work being done in the Alenon family groups. If they did, they couldn't possibly tell those jokes.

It would be like going to a a meeting and hearing people tell awful stuff about AA. I mean, if that that happened, I think we'd go, "Well, you don't know. You can't know.

You don't know that a fire gets started here. You don't know what happens. You don't know that people's jaws get pried open and life gets spit into them.

You don't know. You couldn't know. And yet, there are times where we tolerate it in AA." And you know what?

I only get I used to have all the votes. I've been whittleled down to one by good sponsorship. And if you know, if if if you think it's okay to do that, that's fine.

That's your vote. My vote is that it's not okay. It's not because there might be a newcomer like me out there who's sitting there going, "What are you doing?

What that? What is that?" I'm like, I was incredibly proud of my wife and happy that she was interested in in doing this thing. So, um, God bless Allen.

I don't, you know, I don't need my wife to go to Alanon, but I sure appreciate it. And uh when she's doing well, I'm doing better. I'm not doing, you know, um I uh my wellness is not contingent on her, but it's fun.

And my wife's Allen on family, and I'm sure a lot of other people use this, but her sponsor always stressed it that when things would start moving a little fast, I don't know, in our family, uh driving is not good. It's not good. My wife has a set of imaginary driving controls on her side of the car.

I'm going to get her a Fisher Price thing eventually. And there's an imaginary brake that she pushes down on and a lot of body English, a lot of movement, a lot of activity. And I seem to get psychotic when she does this.

And um and you know, when things start moving quick, quick quick, ready, fire, aim. You know, things are start they're starting to cook. Starting to cook.

It's like trying to grab soap, you know. And um and she was encouraged to say, "You know, sweetheart, you could be right. Could be right." And one day things are moving really quick, really fast.

And my mom and I' I've grown accustomed to hearing this wonderful thing, "Honey, you could be right. It's not much, but it's all I got, you know." And I And she goes, "You know, sweetie, you could be right, but not today. Not today.

It's not your day. Not going to happen today. I'll let you know it's your day.

Not today, big guy. It's not going to happen. And um at 6 months of sobriety, I asked the guy to sponsor me because I knew I was going to drink.

I knew it. I had seen it hundreds of times. I consider myself lucky to have stayed sober six months before I got involved in the work in the big book of AA.

He was a great guy, still is a great guy. and he invited me over to his house and he had made sure that I had done some reading from the big book of AA and he read chapter five to me and on on the way through he took me through the first two steps. We reached step three which my friend KFT refers to as the formal articles of uh of surrender.

I got to tell you something. I found this out the other day. It was one of the most beautiful expressions of the second step I've ever heard.

the root the the origin of the phrase cart blah which we generally know as cart blanch is to have you know uh license to do things and what it comes from is a French phrase when an army has been beaten so badly they have to sign a blank treaty it's a cart blanch I signed a blank treaty when I got here and your ass has got to be whooped pretty good to do that cuz they'll fill it in later and if you're really willing and you're really willing, you sign a blank treaty of Alcoholics Anonymous and God willing, you won't have people who are going to have you, you know, wear a grass skirt and touch them while you're chanting the 12 steps. Cliff told me that magic would disappear if I ever told anyone. But it's so much fun to have the microphone when he has no microphone.

And I I just I can't This is better than Christmas as far as I'm concerned. And then we reached step three and we got on our knees and said a prayer together, which I felt was unnecessary and embarrassing, but I did it anyway. And he gave me instructions on how to do a fourth step from the big book of AA.

I came back to Don and I read it to him at uh nine months of sobriety and I had an incredible day with him. My life changed that day that I read that fifth step to him. And um I did step six and seven for the first time which had become my my fulcrum of my relationship with my higher power.

And I uh wrote up my eightstep list. I try to share this anytime I talk because it's simply the best reading of step 8 I've ever heard. And I heard it I was a couple of weeks sober at my old home group and there was a guy there's a a a guy there who had never read chapter 5 before.

His name was Nino. He had a heavy New York accent and he was there with a hospital group. He had hospital plastic and he had never read the big book.

And he read it for the first time in front of this group. And he got up to step eight and he read, "Made a list of all those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Jesus Christ." And he looked out into the room as if to say, "Have you seen this?

Do you know what the hell is in here?" Oh, it was so gorgeous. It was so pure. It's all I saw.

I didn't see anything else on the list. Not those people. Not that money.

I I would not have taken that much money if I know I had to give it back. You think I'm an idiot? I'm above average intelligence.

And if you're new, don't worry about it. It's eight steps from where you are anyway, for God's sake. And eight is not the annoying one.

It's nine. It's the really annoying one. That's the pay it back step.

It's So, I wrote up my eightstep list. I didn't know what I was going to do about it. I didn't know what I was going to do about my wife and my kids and my and my dad.

I didn't know what I was going to do. And I was blessed with a sponsor who refused to tell me how to make amends. He said, "Do your job in AA.

I don't know how this is going to come out. Do your job in AA. Let's get to work." And I was hanging out with a bunch of guys who just they did it.

They just did it. They were on the board of our home group and trustees and they had panels to Warm Springs and to Hatchipee and they uh and they answered phones at central office and they um this buddy of mine was answering phones at central office and this woman called and said uh how what's the waiting list like now? And uh my friend said what are you talking about?

I said, "Well, two weeks ago, I told my husband I had to get the hell out if he joined unless he joined a" And he called and he said that you guys put him on the waiting list and I want to just want to see where where he was, you know, where he was. And my my friend said to her, I said, "I think it's going to be a bit of a wait for you." I think. So, I started doing my job in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I addressed my inventory as my spiritual task. And I had to start doing a lot of embarrassing, unpleasant things. I had to start going to school and standing up for my kids, going in and advocating for my children and seeing what resources were available to help them because they had been so terribly injured.

And a lot of teachers were very angry at my children because they were perceived as kids with a lot of potential who weren't using it as if they had a choice of whether or not to use it. What a crazy idea that is. And I would, one teacher said to me, you know, sometimes I just want to grab him and shake him.

And I said to her, you know what? He's already been all shook. It's not It's not what we need now.

I said, and this was really hard. I said, "My children are are ill because I've been very sick and we're making a beginning. Can you help us?" And not once did anyone say no.

Part of that was my wife and I were getting spiritually. we were growing and we stopped going to drowning people and asking for swimming lessons. And when they'd say glo, we'd get pissed off, you know.

And uh and the boys got tested and they got all sorts of special ed and and and uh one teacher said, "Well, get them into music. The small motor skills are or let's see if the big motor stuff will help them." And Jesse wanted to play drums. And uh and I didn't have any dough.

But I'll tell you what I did. I went and I bought him a drum pad, which is a piece of wood. It's a 15 buck thing.

It's a piece of wood with a piece of rubber and a couple of sticks. And I went back to my home group and I told the guys, I'll tell you why I told them. Cuz they wanted to know.

Cuz they were interested. Cuz they were really excited about our family. I wasn't bragging.

They wanted to know this stuff. And within a couple of months, the AA drum set showed up at our house. Uh there were a lot of burnout drummers in my group at that time.

guys are showing up with these mega death drums, you know, dude. And uh Jesse sat behind a drum set. You could barely see him.

I mean, he he would disappear. And a couple of years ago, my kids played uh the House of Blues on the Sunset Strip, and they burnt the dump down. Burn it down.

playing in this packed room, 8, 900 kids playing hip-hop music, elbow to elbow, these two gorgeous, poised boys, you know, and there's a group of weeping middle-aged alcoholics over to the side. Kids are going, "What is with the crying old people, man? What the what what's that all about?" When my son Michael was uh 8 years old, I had been in the program for two years and I went to make him a lunch and I said, "What do you want in your hot dog?" He said, "I want mustard, onions, and lettuce." And I went, "Lett." He said, "Okay, I don't want lettuce." And he walked away.

He came back about 45 minutes later and I'm not altering one syllable. He said to me, "I will never again allow your opinion of what I want affect what I ask for. So I asked him to sponsor me at that point.

What's that? What What is that? Couple years after this, I've been in the program about four years.

Jesse got into a schoolyard accident, got broke his wrist in a growth plane, which if you know about kids, that's cartilage that's going to turn to bone. Can't be messed with when it's set. but he's a younger brother and he's come home with a cast with a weapon and now he's got a level playing field and he wants to get as much mileage out of this thing as he possibly can.

And they can't do it cuz if he messes this thing up it's bad. And Mike is into it there, you know. And I said and I told him twice and f it's not.

And I finally screamed at Micah, you can't do this. I got right up in his face and I yelled him. I said, it's zero tolerance.

We can't do this. He walked away from me, walked into his room, and he slammed the door. Slam the door.

I got the dead tick going, man. Slam the door. So, I go to his room and I open the door and before I can unload on him, he looks at me and he says, "I didn't say you were wrong out there.

You were right." But a big guy just got in my face and screamed and yelled, "I didn't tell you you were wrong. Don't tell me I can't be mad." What? What is it?

What the hell is that? What is that? That's something he had been watching his mother and I trying to do.

trying to do to stand up for yourself and tell someone you what you need without telling them what to do. To overcome a fear of confrontation, to not scream and yell or hold it inside, but to tell the truth without telling them what to do. To take no crap and give no crap.

What a design for living. What a perfect thing. And my sons taught it to me.

And my, you know, I would because I felt so guilty about my children's injuries. I wouldn't I when they'd start to fight, I'd pull them apart and they'd fight again and I'd pull them apart and I'd fight again. And Nancy said, "You don't know how to fight.

You don't let them finish." So, I started sitting on my hands and they learned how to finish something I don't know how to do. I don't know how to fight. I do scream until you shut up or I cry until you shut up.

I also like to loom. I'm a loomer. I'm big.

I like to get a light behind me so you're in a shadow when I'm looming. It's like total eclipse of the Jew if I get you right in there, right? And if I can get like a scream, a cry, and a loom into one fight, that's a hat trick.

That's the Scott Redmond couples retreat. You just had it right there. I don't know how to fight.

Don't know how to be in a marriage. Don't know how to clean. Don't know how to live like a grown man.

Don't know how to feel like a grown man. I don't know grown men make a bed. I think somewhere in the back of my twisted mind that a certain amount of housework should equal a certain amount of sex.

that there should be conversion tables on the back of cleaning products of housework to sex. And I know there's someone out here tonight going marketing. I smell.

I smell. Let's see. One more dope deal to set myself up financially for sobriety.

Conversion tape and we made a beginning as a family and uh we moved down the line together and uh we found a great comfort in one another's company. Um, my wife was blessed with a sponsor who was uh who didn't beat her up and I was blessed with a sponsor who applied the scalpel of truth with the anesthetic of love. And um, and we we had great examples, really incredible examples in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And uh, we uh stayed sober for a while. I uh, I've had a lot of problems in sobriety. I know that there are people who haven't had problems in sobriety.

I'm incredibly happy for them. And I uh and I'm not saying that you have to have problems in sobriety. And I've had a a bunch of problems in sobriety.

I I've had problems in my marriage. I've had problems with sex. I've had problems with I went up to over 300 lbs of sobriety.

Uh what does that have to do with sobriety? Absolutely nothing. Unless you're going through it.

Absolutely nothing. And I would pray in six and seven. And I write, "I'm resentful at Scott for being overweight.

It affects my self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, personal relations, and sex. And the defects are self-s serving, gluttony, shame, guilt, and stubbornness." I'd read it to my sponsor and go have a pie and a bowl of spaghetti. And I'd write it and read it and write it and read it and write and read it.

And my sponsor is finally saying, "You're not using the first five propositions IN THE BOOK. WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN? Where are you changing?

Where are you using this as a as a fulcum for change?" AND I GO, "POP, WHAT DO YOU GOT?" And I'd hear him go, "Go to overeaters anonymous." And I go, "What else you got?" And finally, after my health being threatened, being over 300 lb, I went to OA. I went to OA. I said, "Hi, I'm a circuit speaker." They said, "Yes." And a very fat circuit speaker.

Really glad you're here. I said, "Would you like me to talk?" They said, "No, your mouth's full. Uh, don't talk." What does this have to do with sobriety?

nothing unless you're going through it. I've been to other 12step programs. I'm in therapy now.

I've gone to the Feldon Christ technique and used that for my back pain. I've not done one single one of these things instead of AA. I've done every single one of them because of AA because I've been hanging out with seekers, because of the inventory process.

The minute I do any of them instead of AA, then I've started that process, haven't I? I've started that process of watching it go below the horizon and stop presenting itself as a real piece of business. My alcoholism has stayed buoyed above the horizon as a real piece of business for 19 years and 11 months even when I'm not concentrating on it because it's buoied on the heads and shoulders of the men and women of AA.

When I read my fifth step, I read about a lot of stuff. I read about a kid named Mark who used to kick my ass when I was a kid from the time we were five till we were 10. I had to write go all the way back and write about that stuff.

He humiliated me at our first spin the bottle uh contest. You know, I had to write about Nazis slaughtering Jews and I had no defects of character on that resentment. And my sponsor said, "Scott, you don't understand.

You don't understand. They're not asking you if the event is your fault. I'm resentful at Nazis for slaughtering Jews." They're not asking you if the event is your fault.

are asking you if the resentment is your fault. Was the event your fault? No.

Is the resentment your fault? Every time with no exception and no loophole because a normal person would do a lot of things about Nazis. They could give money to political groups, work against them, do all sorts of stuff.

But I don't do that. I feel sorry for myself. I'm a hypocrite and a bigot because if I think you are associated with that in any way, I don't even want to know who you are.

I'm an opportunist. I'm not living in today. I'm a grudge holder.

I think that's enough right now, don't you? And he set me free. My sponsor set me free.

He changed my life in that moment, that day. I was in my first year of sobriety and I um was becoming sort of a spiritual Goliath. I uh started sponsoring guys and I was being I was had a ghostriting job for 20th Century Fox and I was being considered for a job as a staff director on a sitcom.

I thought this would be really good. I thought this would really be good if I got this job. It would be very good for the men that I sponsored because they would see me prospering.

They'd really see the program at work. So, I directed one episode. I went to a picnic they were having.

They before they uh made the decision about who the staff director was going to be and uh I I went to this picnic bringing nothing. I went there to get a job. I was bringing nothing.

And uh walked over to the executive producer and he had a beer. He said, "Have one of these." And I said, "Sure." And I went over to a cooler. I picked up a beer.

I guess the wind hit me. I don't know. It's a mystery to me.

And I said, "You're a dead man." I put the beard down. I called my sponsor and I did the work. I was humiliated that I almost drank and I had to sit down and write the resentment against myself for almost drinking and they didn't give me the job and I was resentful at them.

And what my sponsor said to me that day after I read the inventory, he said, "Scott, when you do six and seven today, when you draw close to him and he reveals himself to you, when you humbly ask him to remove these defects, and humbly isn't take them if you can, big guy." Humbly isn't take them, you rotten. Humbly is, "Pop, I have made an identity of these things. I am so attached to them.

They are precious to me. and my problems go below the horizon. I keep repeating I I please please help me.

He said, 'When you do six and seven today, you better ask your God what you're going to have to do to stay sober. I you have the show business God apparently. I said what?

He said, well, what keeps you sober? I said, God. He said, God keeps you sober.

You didn't get a show business job and you almost drank. So I guess you have the show business God and he has abandoned you utterly. When I came into AA I heard people I heard God getting people jobs.

God getting people in relationships. God getting people parking spaces. I'm not going to talk about it.

Years ago my family got nailed in the Northridge earthquake. We got injured really badly. Uh I got a bad physical injury.

Our house got cracked up and the kids it we were right in the epicenter. A guy died right near us. It was really bad.

Shortly after this uh we were at an AA function out of town and this woman who used to live in LA came up to me at this function and said, "Oh, I am so glad God got us out of LA before the quake." And I said, "Oh, so he likes you. He likes you. But we're crap.

But he likes you. Oh, that's great. And she said to me, I guess he just felt you had some lessons to learn.

I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I can't I have no interest in living that world.

Living in that world where I've got a God saying, "Get him. Get the Redmond boy. Get him.

Get him. No evacuation plan for you, Jew boy. Get him.

Get him. Turn his wife to salt. Kill his goat.

Put a finger in his eye. Get him. Smote his ass.

Smote him. Smote anyone he talks to. We'll figure it out later.

I I can't I can't live in a world where I've got a god saying, "Well, let's key your car. It's boils for you. You're due for a rash." I believe St.

Thomas. I believe the mystics. I believe the big book of AA.

To know God is to not know God. That God is absolute and complete mystery. That no one can fully comprehend or define that power which is God.

And every time I ascribe a personality or an intention to my higher power, I make them this small. This small. I know that God's keeping her sober.

I'm just here to share my story. Wouldn't do me any good. That is a mystery I used to be very uncomfortable with.

I'm very comfortable with it today. As a matter of fact, I crave that mystery. I've misidentified people in AA and approaches to AA as God.

I have misidentified meetings with God. It's a big mistake. I don't know who I injure more, them or me.

You know, it doesn't mean I can't respect them. It doesn't mean I can't learn from him. It doesn't mean I can't love him.

But but and um so when I did six and seven that day, I said, "Pop, you got it. Take show business. I'm done.

I'm done. You cannot show business. I am willing to do anything for a living." Because you see, my God doesn't care what I do for a living as long as I do my job in AA.

My God is not a child annihilator. My God expects me to do my job in AA if my children are annihilated or not. And I know plenty of people who have lost children in Alcoholics Anonymous and who are astounding astounding examples of this program.

My God doesn't care if I live in the House in the Hill or the refrigerator box. I do. and and that's fine as long as I want it and it doesn't become an attachment or a craving.

And um and I said, "Pop, I'll do anything you want for a living. Just keep me sober." And within 3 months, I was working as a cook on a catering truck. And I looked up to God and I said, "I did not mean this.

This wasn't even on the long list. Where where did this even come from? Now, in LA, when they make a TV show or a movie, they hire a caterer.

It's a you're on a a vehicle on a movie set. It's a a teamster job. It's great dough, but I'm Scott Redmond.

So, the first movie that I cater, the the producer, executive producer, and star of the movie is a guy who I've worked with in the business. And he comes into work, he sticks his head on the truck that first morning, and he says, "Uh, can I have a burrito, Scott?" I said, "What's happening, babe?" He said, "Is this your truck?" I said, "No, but it's my spatula." I went home and I called my sponsor. I said, "We're getting the gift now.

We're really It's beautiful. We're really getting the gift. The gift of sobriety.

It's such a beautiful thing." And he said, "Sounds like you've got to resent it. And I wrote 10 steps, man. I wrote them and wrote them.

I'm resentful at Scott for working on a kitchen truck. I'm resentful. I wound up serving guys who I had directed in TV shows, actresses I directed in TV shows, assistant directors who I had been the director with, stage managers who had worked for me.

I come back to the home group with a new tale of humiliation every week. And the guys would go, and you know what? My son Jesse asked me to teach him how to cook.

Now, I didn't think we were going to get intimate that day, that way. I thought we'd get intimate on Oscar buffing night when we buffed my Oscars. We get together and buff my Oscars in my Emmys.

That's how I thought my son and I would develop a relationship, but he wanted to learn how to cook. And uh I started showing up and and and giving them a dime for their nickel. And uh I became a really good cook.

And I started helping some guys who felt they had fallen from a height when they came to AA. I had a friend named Paul who uh used to say this prayer cuz he felt that he had fallen from a height when he came in. He said, "God, I'm willing to do anything for a living.

Just keep me sober, but please don't let it be as bad as what you did to Scott. Please don't. Just don't." It's like being voted most attractive man in your cell block.

So, and then uh one night the star of the sitcom that I didn't get the job directing walked in as a newcomer to my meeting >> and uh I had done the work on it and I was cool and I welcomed him and uh I welcomed him and and uh hung around with him and he heard me talk a couple of times and he said, "Will you show me the work in the big book?" And I said, "It would be a pleasure." And I was just, you know, I talked to my I was basking. It was so great that I was I so free to be able to help this guy and really genuinely help him and not want anything from him. That show was still continuing to be produced at that time.

And he walked into my house late for this appointment, which happens often, you know. And I said, "Geez, I'm sorry I'm late. Uh, our new director, my job, that's my job.

The new director has my job. Mark, the kid who used to kick my ass. Get a hobby.

Get a hobby. Get some outside interest. Wow.

Wow. I waited years before I told the guy. the guy who came to help me.

I waited years until he got sober and and I pulled him aside one day and I said, "Dude, I got to tell you what happened the day you came. That was really interesting." And uh I continued to show up and be a good cook. And uh I cooked for about three years.

And um at the uh about three years was over, I got a overture made to me by a big-time um uh company called Ketchum Public Relations for this big comedy writing job. And I felt at this point, you I was really sponsoring a lot of guys by this time. I really felt, oh my god, this is going to be great for the guys I sponsor.

I mean, great, because they'll have seen me suffer and now they'll see me prosper thusly. This is just going to be fantastic for them. So, I did a a videotape for these guys and I went cuckoo before I even found out.

My brain blew up. I mean, I just you can't when when you're living that way and you're used to and you have relative experience living spiritually, okay, a lot of the time it just feels like your appendix has burst, you know. And uh I did the inventory.

I read it to my sponsor and um and I was cool. And a couple of weeks later, I found out I did not have the job with Ketchum and I was fine. And shortly after that, I got a call to cater some commercials up in the mountains above LA in Arrowhead.

And I drove the truck up there and I grabbed the call sheet which gives you all the information about the shoot. And I saw that the commercials were for Ketchum Public Relations. I'm feeding them now.

Now I'm feeding them. And um I look down at the end of the truck, there's a guy videotaping me. I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "Oh, I'm taping the making of the commercial.

He's taping my humiliation. He's going to tape he's going to send it back to New York and the guys are going to go, "Man, that is that Scott Redmond with the meatloaf? That's unbelievable." So, I I went back to my hotel.

I called my spons, "Oh, we're getting the gift now." Oh, yeah. Oh, it's a miracle. It's just a miracle.

Miracle. Miracle. A miracle.

It's a miracle. And he said uh he said, "I guess God had enough writers and needed a few cooks today." And then he said, "You know, you told God you wanted to work for Ketchum and you forgot to tell him what you wanted to do. If you're new, I want to welcome you to AA.

The good news is our problem mainly rests in our mind. Alcoholics Anonymous is the only text about recovery from a fatal illness that leaves the sufferer in better condition than they were in before they contracted the disease. AA, as far as I know, has the only text about recovery from a fatal illness that contains the sentence, "We absolutely insist on enjoying life." There's no book about chalera that says Kalera is a hoot.

You're going to love chalera. Then you'll meet other people who just caught chalerites. And the problem is is our problem mainly rests in our mind, you know.

Um, if you're new, I I want to welcome you to AA. If anybody sticks their finger in your chest and says that's the way AA is, I'm just telling you I've steered clear of those guys. Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by a bunch of acid dropping nasin eating Ouija board playing wackos seekers who were always saying more what's more Henry James what's William James what's more what's happening what do we got you know please read the history of alcoholics anonymous please read AA comes of age please please read the big book of AA it'll make it'll I swear to you the meetings will stop being confusing because I read this material and I go to meetings and go, "Oh, he's talking about AA.

He's not talking about AA. I don't know what he's talking about." But I judge no man because I'm too spiritually developed. If you're new here, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I want to suggest that you take this thing as seriously as you possibly can and go out there and have the time of your life. Welcome to AA. Welcome home.

Thanks so much for having me tonight. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day. >>