Sober Sunrise – Aaron S. – Issaquah, WA – 2018
AA speaker Aaron S. from Issaquah shares his story of running from a drug charge, hitting a desperate bottom, and finding freedom through the steps and surrender in recovery.
Aaron S. from Issaquah, Washington got sober on July 14, 2003, after years of drinking to escape a spinning mind, running from a felony drug charge, and a breaking point where he couldn’t get drunk enough to feel relief anymore. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through how surrender, sponsorship, and the steps fundamentally rewired his life—turning him from a two-time felon into someone who could build a family, a career, and a genuine sense of purpose.
Aaron S. shares how he drank from his teenage years to manage anxiety and self-doubt, escalating into addiction, running from the law, and a desperate bottom where alcohol no longer worked. He describes his pivotal moment of honesty—admitting he had no idea how he got where he was—and how working the steps with a sponsor transformed his entire approach to life. His talk emphasizes that the gift is in the struggle, that sponsorship and fellowship saved him through multiple crises, and that buying into the AA program makes everything else possible.
Episode Summary
Aaron S. tells his story with raw honesty and dark humor, starting from his first drink in a field in Fargo, North Dakota, where everything finally “fit”—a spiritual experience disguised as alcohol. From seventh grade onward, he drank for every emotion: fun, anger, sadness, boredom, to fit in. When he lost a D1 basketball scholarship for drinking, he told himself it was a one-time mistake, then drank within weeks anyway. He moved to Scottsdale, Arizona, and his drinking accelerated. He was dealing drugs, got caught in Nebraska with a felony charge facing five to 55 years in prison, and went on the run.
What followed was six months of daily drinking, couch surfing, sleeping in parks, sneaking into basements, and standing in front of a dilapidated mirror in a damp basement, promising himself change while his mind tore him apart with a relentless internal voice telling him he was worthless, that nobody would ever want him sober, that he should just turn himself in and end it. He reached a moment where getting drunk wasn’t even working anymore—the relief wouldn’t come. At a gathering, after being rejected for a job, he did cocaine and beat someone senseless. Covered in blood, terrified, he threw his hands up and said, “I have no idea how I got here.”
That admission changed everything. He got to a treatment center and heard an AA speaker tell his story—a man who talked about the internal voice, the spinning head, the reason he drank (not because of circumstances, but because he didn’t know why he drank). That seed planted. He went to his first AA meeting, scared that he didn’t fit, but noticing people were happy. He met a sponsor at a coffee shop and asked what changed his life. The sponsor smiled and said, “Everything I ask you to do. Prove me wrong.” Aaron became a pain in the butt, arguing about why he needed to do the steps, insisting his court cases and girlfriend problems were too complex for simple AA slogans.
His sponsor kept saying: “Go to a meeting. Do the steps. Pray.” It made no sense, because Aaron’s entire life he’d been told to try harder, do more, conquer it. But he did his fourth and fifth step, and something shifted. The lights came on. Meetings started meaning something. People started meaning something. He realized his brother would die six months later (the day after his funeral, he was indicted on another felony). Two weeks after that, he got sentenced and had to sit in jail. Where were the “cash and prizes” everyone talked about? His sponsor told him: the gift is in the struggle. And it was true—at his brother’s funeral, one AA member showed up. At court, four showed up. In jail for 90 days, they wrote him letters every single day.
He came into AA determined to get his girlfriend back, planning his life around winning her over. When she finally returned, he looked at her and said, “I don’t want this anymore,” and walked away. AA didn’t change the beast inside him; it gave him a new circuit to live on. He sponsored people, made amends (including a powerful amend to his father involving money owed to dangerous people), went to school, built a career, got married, moved around the country. He talks about struggling when he moved to Seattle and hating everything, yet showing up anyway. He shares a current story about trying to control his move to the Bay Area, getting narcissistic and entitled about housing repairs, running out of steam, calling his sponsor who laughs and reminds him: when you’re in control, you’re in direct conflict with grace.
The core of his message: nothing in AA is impossible if you buy in. The heroes aren’t the guys with the best stories; they’re the guys who show the ethic of service and belief every single day. He’s grateful not for what he got materially, but for the people who stuck their hands out, inconvenienced themselves, and showed him there was a different way to live.
Notable Quotes
It finally fits. I’m no longer worried, I’m no longer scared. I’m right where I need to be.
I drank for effect. I drank for fun, I drank for mad, I drank for sad, I drank for any emotion.
The gift’s in the struggle, because what are a set of principles if they don’t withstand during challenging times?
Alcoholic Anonymous didn’t change the wiring inside of me. It gave me a new circuit to live on.
When I’m in control, I’m in direct conflict with the grace and the power that is here.
Sponsorship
Hitting Bottom
Relapse & Coming Back
Acceptance
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Sponsorship
- Hitting Bottom
- Relapse & Coming Back
- Acceptance
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker my name is Aaron schwart and I’m an alcoholic I uh I’ve been sober since July 14th 2003 um due to alcoholic annonymous sponsorship a God that was I don’t know I was running away from into actions that I didn’t necessarily believe in my life has miraculously gotten better here um it’s pretty amazing it’s funny you know so people that I hear typically like you either have a really funny speaker or you have a real serious speaker you have a you know really sad speaker or whatever in my honestly I’m not I’m just not that funny so I apologize everybody that’s kind of looking for a laugh tonight I uh I have this problem I I take myself way too seriously and uh I just uh I get nervous you know I’m is anybody else as nervous as I am up here I I tell you like I’m uh I’m standing up here thinking about all the things that I should say and then I know that uh I just got to take a second get quiet and let let the guy do the work who’s going to do the work you know um I uh little bit about me I’ve so said I’m from Seattle I was here for like eight months I’ve since moved to San Francisco uh South of San Francisco people from San Francisco don’t like being said that I’m from San Francisco when I live like closer to San Jose they’re just they’re weird like that I don’t I don’t know what the deal is there’s all this city Pride I’m trying to figure it out People in AA meetings are like wait where are you really from and I’m like okay it just you know it gets confusing and then before that I was in New York and then before that I was in Arkansas and so I’ve been a pinball and Alcoholics Anonymous around the country and just so everybody knows there’s enough people around the world and alcoholics anous that will tell me to shut up and sit down and listen to the message of Alcoholics Anonymous which is what saved my bacon all the way through um all the way through all those transitions because it isn’t easy but uh you know that’s that’s where we are the other thing that I want to say is you know the guy that is probably sitting there guy or girl that’s sitting there that didn’t raise their hand that’s probably newly sober that came to this meeting because they didn’t really know where else to go that’s what I did but I didn’t raise my hand and I didn’t talk to anybody for a little period of time and I realized that I’d missed out on a great opportunity so the fact of the matter that I’m wearing a suit or I’m wearing a tie and a coat right now there’s not much distance between me and you and what I’m going to try to do is share with you my journey in Alcoholic Anonymous is exactly how I got to have a life beyond my wildest dreams despite my what I think about it or how I feel about it the actions that have been instilled in me in Alcoholics Anonymous that have enabled me to do things that I never thought were really going to be possible um so needless to say I’m I was really grateful I had to come up here and kind of like get some things finished up for where I was living and whatnot and um there was no rain I mean it’s just it’s amazing like no rain in January it’s like I don’t know I just I wasn’t expecting it so I had the raincoat and the umbrella you can tell I’m not from here cuz people from here don’t carry umbrellas you know I I got that lesson when I first got here it’s like no you don’t carry an umbrella you just get a jacket with a hood on it and you like go on without your day and you go from there you get waterproof shoes and that’s how you do things but um I came in and I saw all the mountains and I just I thought man you guys are lucky here you know it’s it’s uh it’s beautiful when it’s not raining so the two days out of the year that you guys don’t get rain it’s it’s really quite pretty um no so what I’m going to try to do is share with you how I came into a conscious contact with God and how my life has changed as a result of that uh but before I do that I’m going to share with you a little bit about what kind of guy I was um you know I was I always had like a nervous disposition you know like I was always worried about what somebody was going to say or what somebody was going to think or you know like why doesn’t she like me why don’t I wear the right clothes what’s wrong with me I got to have that girl I can’t be I can’t be friends with these guys I got to be friends with these guys and my for whatever reason my head used to always spin like crazy I don’t I don’t know if that makes me an alcoholic or what the deal is but I just I was always worrying like I used to go to bed at night laying on my back cuz I like told myself that if somebody came in and stabbed me it would like bounce off my belly versus go straight through my back like I’m just a crazy kid I don’t I don’t understand why it’s just is you know and I have this idea you know when I’m you know young and I decided hey it’s a good idea maybe we’ll try these beers because you know the when you see the grown-ups drink there’s just like this awe about them it’s like I just it’s like they’re in the Gatsby movie you know it’s like they’re having fun they’re laughing at things that aren’t funny they’re like like everybody’s getting along and I’m like God I want to do that because I hate how I feel right now I literally don’t like it I’m always trying to impress people I’m always trying to do different things you know like I’m the class clown when I need to be I’m the class bully when I need to be I’m like Rico try to be Rico Suave when I need to be you know it just like and nothing ever lasted and no nothing ever worked and I tried this I stole these beers out of the refrigerator and me and my buddy snuck out of the house and I’m originally from Fargo North Dakota and so we were in the middle of a field somewhere and we cracked those beers and I drank my beer and when I drank mine about half of it disappeared and my buddy spit his right out and I remember after I drank those couple beers this warm sensation it suck going down I hated it but I had known that it was going to do something for me because I had watched it do something for other people along like a a lot in my life and so I drank that and I just I I can I can I mean I as sure as I am here today I can stand in that field and look up at those stars and remember to myself it finally fits it finally fits I’m no longer worried I’m no longer scared I’m right where I need to be I literally would equate that to the first thing that I’ve ever had as a spiritual experience I mean it was like I had an a of Body Experience I was finally I didn’t care the girl didn’t like me I didn’t care those guys didn’t like me I didn’t care that I wasn’t the coolest I didn’t care I wasn’t the best looking I didn’t care any of that stuff all I wanted to do from that point forward was feel that way as much as possible I loved it every minute of it I then proceed you know like when you’re in seventh grade you can’t get drunk every single day you still got to go to elementary school you know so it’s like so you know but it left a it left something for me you know and my buddy like who spit it out didn’t want his so of course I drank his and you know I just I couldn’t I never understood like I never understood how he didn’t have the same reaction that I had you know and I that that began my drinking career I I had a great time I love drinking I mean I’m I am not I mean I’m I’m above average intelligence like I’m just I’m Street Smart I’m not a dumb person you know what I mean like I I’m just I’m not it did something for me it changed me it gave me the ability to deal with life it gave me the ability to engage with people it gave me the hope and the and and the idea that my life was going to work out like you ever have those days when you were drinking and all of a sudden it’s like the worst day ever you know before you had a drink you wake up you go to work somebody yells at you they don’t want anything to do with you they tell you you’re horrible at what you’re doing why do you even get out of bed this doesn’t even make sense and you go and you have a couple drinks at the bar and you’re sitting on the bar stool and you’re talking to people and all of a sudden I’m a millionaire I mean I got all the money in the world I’m going to make every decision in the world I know exactly how it’s going to work I’m going to tell you exactly how it’s going to work and I build this life up in these in these moments with these guys my road dogs the guys that would die for me you know the guys that the guys that love me so much they would bail me out of jail they would do all these things for me that’s what my head would tell me and we would create these realities while we were sitting in the bar of all these great things that were going to take place and then wake up the next morning and not remember any of it you know it was funny you know it was like I I used to I used to think that I drank to find solutions to my problems and then when I would wake up it was like all the old problems were still there plus like four more you know it was like it just never went away I I I’m telling you like I drank for effect you ever have like I was the guy I drank for fun I drank for mad I drank for sad I drank for any emotion that I drank for boredom I I drank for sheer like just wanting to fit in with everybody else and then little by slow things started to get removed from my life you know I was drinking all the time as much as I possibly could I had a chance to have a D1 basketball scholarship and all of a sudden you know Cops show up at a party they decide I’m not supposed to be drinking school board says no more drinking you’re kicked off the basketball team basketball all scholarship goes away so the good guy that I am I write this heartfelt letter about how it was a one-time mistake and I swear I will never do it again and I had the principal and the school board and a lawyer and my family and everybody sitting around a circle in a room and I read this letter crying would have passed a lie detector test saying I will never drink again you know what Aaron we believe you tell you what come back in five weeks and we’ll tell you if we’ve reconsidered our decision so on the fourth week we’re so close to it you know what I mean like I you know it’s like it’s like I’m already home you know like I’m close to it it’s like I’ve done good the first two weeks I had a couple drinks the third week but you know the fourth week have a couple of the boys over Mom’s going to a movie have a couple of the boys over we’ll drink in the basement we’ll call it a day everything’s going to be fine the problem is I just don’t have an off switch so like I just go real fast you know like I was going to like time it out I don’t know if anybody else had this experience but I was going to time it out you know it’s like one beer and then a shot and then chill for an hour and then one beer and maybe a shot depending on how I was feeling cuz you know I I hadn’t really been drinking for 3 weeks so I didn’t really know and after that beer and shot went down I realized it’ll be fine tonight it’ll it’s gonna be okay I’m gonna have fun it doesn’t make any sense and you know bad breaks misunderstandings and people hating me that’s why I got caught that night you know I that’s the story of my life just a bad break bad circumstance this cop hated me I’m like thoroughly convinced I’ve made amends to him still but um I yeah he showed up at my door there was four people in my house he showed up at my door here’s my smart idea I turn off all the lights and I said my little brother’s outside just tell them you got a little crazy with the music it’ll be fine you know and so you know little you know you guys can figure the rest of the story out there wasn’t another meeting to reconsider the actions you know what I mean it was like it was all over and so you know because Fargo North Dakota had it out for me the cops had it out for me the school board had it out for me my mom and dad didn’t understand nobody wanted to see Aaron kind of rise to what he was true potential you know it was time for a change of scenery so I decided to move to Scottdale and I’m you know the basketball that was going so well for me forget that I’m going to try football it’s going to make you know like I just changed everything I snapped it up like forget the fact that anything is wrong with me there’s nothing wrong with me it’s the outside world and how you handle what I bring to you that’s the situation and so I’m just going to change all of you I’m going to change every single one of you and I went down there and all of a sudden I realized I there’s just no I just I don’t I drink different I mean there’s just no other way to put it I drink like a pig I mean I go out with a good idea I go I’ll go out on a date and I’m having two or three drinks at dinner and then all of a sudden I’m like you know 12 in slur my speech going to the bathroom every 3 minutes looking at her she’s dull I’m like getting a fight with her so that I can go and have fun with these other guys and then it’s like yeah she just she didn’t understand you know like she just didn’t want to see Aaron’s world the way Aaron’s world was and you know I drank for a effect for a long period of time I um I had a lot of fun you know I I really did I don’t take back any of those days I had a lot of fun I school didn’t go very well uh football didn’t go very well um my roommates all wanted to move out because I was going absolutely crazy coming home at 4:00 in the morning with random people screaming all the time um so you know I thought my life was perfect you know all I needed to do is get a little bit more money so what I decided to do was like go to some of the local markets pick up some of the local you know uh crop and bring it across state lines and you know I I get to Nebraska and some guy pulls me over and he decides to you know search the car and you know my my life changed at that point in time but you know my dad came and he bailed me out of there it cost a lot of money to do that I was in some serious trouble and and uh he bailed me out of there and you know I went on he brought me home and I got to stay in his house but you know they only found about half of what was really in there and so you know I’m coming home I’m drinking beers out of the refrigerator I’m you know I’m getting high I’m doing all the things you know I’m just partying in my dad’s house meanwhile I just got like taken out of jail having no idea how serious this is whatsoever and I go down for an AR an arraignment and the guy reads the five to 55 years in prison and all of a sudden I got a little nervous you know so I’m going to go on the run and that’s exactly what I did I told my dad you don’t know me there’s nothing you like this is my life stay out of it I’m doing my thing threw me out of the house you know like I’m like a spoiled I mean little I never really thought this at the time but I’m like a spoiled brat I got a phone I got a car I got money I like no I’ve never really worked a day in my life you know what I mean and I got all this stuff and so he Chucks all my clothes in the middle of January in Minnesota out into the middle of the snow and he said get out get out of here so I did and I went rip roaring into life like it wasn’t even like I was invincible trying to prove everybody that my idea of what Aaron’s plan was going to be was perfect so what I proceeded to do was get drunk every single day for six months waking up in the morning with these big Grand designs of how exactly I’m going to get my life together I’m going to get a car I’m going to go out and get a job I’m going to you know I’ll call my folks just so they know that everything is going well I’ll do all these things just so they know that everything’s going well get some money coming in so I can stop couch surfing and occasionally sleeping in the park you know like I I’ll I’ll get all these things going so everybody sees that I’m doing really well you know and and that I’m convinced I am like thoroughly convinced to do this this and I’m still feeling up about my life everything’s going to be fine everything is fine it’s all good right and what starts to happen is I make that effort in the morning and something goes wrong and that thought comes across my mind I can just do all this crap tomorrow and then I would go out and I would drink and I would get so drunk I would pee myself or puke myself and I would come home and I you know by that time I I have uh exhausted all the relationships in my life so nobody really wants me around the girl broke up with me my friends don’t want me around no I’m I’m just like I’m trouble like everywhere that I go I’m like massively I’m like I’m just trouble and uh I used to sneak into this basement where my where my buddies lived and there was it was like it was concrete and there were like blankets that were I just threw them up into the corner and it was damp and it was like literally this building was probably built in like 1930 and I swear the basement was never cleaned there was like a bathroom down in the basement where there was like a dilapitated mirror up on the wall there was the light that would flicker behind you and there was a rickety sink that was sitting there and I used to drink till I would get physically so sick I would wake up in the morning and I would go and I would look at that dilapitated mirror at the husk of a person that was like looking back at me and I would promise I didn’t want to quit forever I just just wanted to stop so that I could get my life back on track right and that started the process of slowly ripping away every piece of moral fiber that I had ever had inside myself because it’s one thing for me to lie to everybody else but like who are you lying to when you’re all by yourself who was I sitting there trying to I was so Furious I would look back at that dilapitated mirror and I would try to that light flickering behind me and i’ grab both sides of those sink and I’d be dry heaven and I’d look up at that mirror and I’d say I am never going to do this again I’m going to do I’m going to get a job I’m going to be a good son I’m going to be a good member of the community I’m going to get a job I’m going to do all these things right and I just try to rip the sink out of the floor I was so mad and I would set out to do those things during the day and then all of a sudden you know it’s like so I’m doesn’t go my way the boys will call I’ll put that thought out my mind might as well just do this all over again I don’t know you know I had no idea what was going on I was so scared because it was like I didn’t even know who I was anymore you know like it it really freaked me out so I had a I had a bit of a mental breakdown I I mean I don’t know have you ever seen a grown man hit the floor and start screaming for his mom that’s exactly what I did like I I tell you it was kind of it was actually it’s pretty funny now but it was it was sad then like I had a hard it took me a long time to start laughing at this but like I had shown up at some place that I wasn’t wanted you know like you ever go to places and people look at you you haven’t showered in a while and they’re like why is he here you can feel him whispering in the corner ERS and like you know like I’m stealing beer out of the refrigerator and I’m drinking and all of a sudden it’s like it’s not working you know I can’t get the relief I can’t get my present circumstances out of my life I can’t get my brain to slow down I’m getting physically wasted and I cannot get the the awe the feeling that it’s going to be okay I can’t get the feeling I just can’t get the thoughts off me like everything piled up so high it just felt like it was too much to take on it was over it was I just like I was thinking man if this doesn’t work let’s just end it it doesn’t matter anymore you know like I’m laying on the ground I’m so physically drunk you know like I can’t like I just I can’t even get up but I’m screaming at people to bring me more beers cuz I just desperately wanted to go away go away go away I peed myself by this point I’m like looking at people trying to make jokes of like how funny it is that I’m like peeing myself and I wake up from that spot and I’m like struck sober and I like like hit the ground crying so here’s a guy 19 years old hits the ground crying piss pants puke all over him screaming I want my mommy like I mean it was it was pretty comical I think I scared the crap out of everybody in the room cuz it was like I just pop too you know what I mean it was like it was crazy and I was crying uncontrollably and I wanted my mom cuz that’s what tough guys do they want their mom whenever whenever they get in trouble you know they want their mom so get to my mom’s house my mom looks at me and says I son I I think you’re gone you know what I mean like I don’t I don’t think you’re I I don’t know what to do for you tell you what Mom just give me a place let me get my let me get my life right she she said she said you can’t stay here so what she did was she arranged for me to stay with a friend of mine a friend of the family so I stayed with their that family for three days now poor family I went crazy now here’s the problem drinking had gotten bad but sober is UNT like you just can’t tolerate it because I have this thing inside of me right The Voice the thing that tells you that life isn’t okay why AR why don’t you have a job you’re never going to have a job you’re never going to drink again nobody’s ever going to be your friend again what are you going to do when you get married you’re not going to drink you’re not going to toast nobody’s going to want to marry you you can’t get a job because you nobody’s is going to drink with you and if you don’t drink with people people aren’t going to want to hang out with you you Pace you smoke cigarettes you’re walking outside you’re like why is that person looking at me I don’t have the right clothes on I haven’t showered in a little bit I need a haircut this doesn’t make sense I don’t know what I’m doing if I would have gone left instead of right if I would have gone here instead of there if I would have stopped dating her and started dating her my life would have been better I wouldn’t be here why am I here it doesn’t make sense I’m uncomfortable I’m hungry I’m ripping through the cabinets I don’t understand why I can’t get something to eat so I’ll just go to bed if I go to bed it’ll go to it’ll go away and tomorrow when I wake up I’ll be fine and then all of a sudden when I go to bed the volume gets turned all the way up you’re a loser you’re never going to amount to nothing this doesn’t make any sense you’re never going to get there you know you’re going to drink it doesn’t matter why even stop you’re just lying to people just cut it off and leave everybody alone you know what you should just go to prison turn yourself in raise your hand tell them it’s over it doesn’t even make sense anymore why go on why go on get up smoke two more cigarettes oh my gosh what am I going to do I don’t understand I don’t understand then all of a sudden that goes on for 3 days and I’m bananas I’m not sleeping I’m nuts I can’t sit still I’m pacing everywhere my hands are going crazy I don’t know what is wrong with me if this is sober I don’t want it take it someplace else because this just ain’t for this guy I got plans right that’s the deal I got plans I I got things to do so you know like I got there on a Wednesday I stayed sober through Friday got some of my old Buddies the guys that weren’t there at the end when I was like puking myself and stuff the guys that I used to play basketball with they called they asked me hey you want to come out we’re having a barbecue pure sobriety is overrated so I I said you know what 132 a hinin 132 a hinin will be okay let me tell you I went to that barbecue I want as soon as I soon as I made that decision that I was going to take that drink my head shut off wasn’t mad anymore I went and I got that 132 of hinin I had a great evening I I nursed it over an hour and a half it was took discipline but I did it and I had a great time I met a young lovely young lady we spent the evening together this is what my new life is going to be it’s going to be perfect it’ll be fine when H home slept great woke up the next morning Friday went so well let’s do it Saturday 2:32 is a hinin did the same thing had a great time met the same nice young lady had a great evening everything was perfect guys were hanging out you know it’s like the good old days came back Sunday Sunday is just a barbecue and Monday Monday we’re really you know Monday is the day you know Monday is the day so it’s like let’s go and do this again I don’t want to push it by Beyond two because you know I just don’t want to get too greedy I want to like live in this lifestyle now and so I drink 232s of hinin in about 45 minutes and I scavenged the medicine cabinets just to for something to take the edge off because you know it’s like pills were never really my problem so it’s totally fine I just don’t want to get weird I started getting like itchy you ever get that feeling it’s like it’s just not enough in the engine to get it going you know it’s like I’m just a car that won’t start you know it’s like everything’s there but it’s just like I just don’t have any gas so you know Monday’s the day now back in the day if I was up showered and out of the house before noon that meant it was going to be a good day so I wake up at 11:30 I get showered and I’m like out the door at like 11:59 I’m gonna go get a job I’m gonna get a job and I’m change my life so I go to the local convenience store because like really at the end of the day I should be able to get a job at the convenience store I thought very highly of myself and you know I was just you know wanted to make sure that I could get this job I I this fear of rejection because I was convinced the world was out to get me and so I went out there and I got you know I interviewed with this guy and he started asking some hard questions like where have you been the last two years that’s not a fair interview question you know if I Google Your Name What’s going to come up that’s really not a fair question you know and uh Fargo was a small place so people had an idea of what kind of trouble I was in but this guy like shined me on for two hours and then he decided to come back and say you know what we don’t have a job for you so same thought crossed my mind I’ll just do this tomorrow 18 pack ofs light Gramma cocaine up my nose I come to in the middle of a living room beating the brakes off somebody I mean blood everywhere people screaming no idea how I got in there scared me so bad scared me I mean like literally I mean I was just covered in blood no idea how it got in there just thought I was going to have a couple pops with the guys and call it a day just kind of like R you know brush off a bad day so for the first time in my life I threw my hands up in the air and I said I have no idea how I gotten here none whatsoever and it was like right after I said that all of a sudden these crazy things started to happen in my life I don’t know if anybody else has experienced that it’s like I told the truth all of a sudden it’s like everybody swarmed in to help Aaron it’s like okay here we go we’re going to do this I mean I was beat down I was just ready to kill myself because at the end of the day everything that I’d ever thrown at this problem was of no avail I couldn’t get there I could never get across the Finish Line I couldn’t even towards the end I couldn’t even get anything that resembled anything like progress those three days were the best that I was going to do and if that if those three days were what was in store for me no thank you you know and I went and I got some help and I got separated from alcohol for the last time and all of a sudden I’m arguing with like professionals about all this stuff and how I’m so different and then this dude came in and he like told my story you know and I engaged for the first time in my life in what Alcoholic Anonymous was my life was over I had nothing I was still on the run from that drug charge and I was running around doing all this stuff and here I am in this treatment center no body understands who I am and what I’m doing and I got all this stuff figured out I drink like this because of the circumstances in my life you people just figure out how to leave me alone and I’m going to be fine you don’t understand that this guy came in he split Me Right Between the Eyes you drink because you don’t know why you drink you drink for no matter what reason you ever have that feeling where your head spins see we laugh about it here like you know you talk about how your head talks at you before I literally was afraid to tell people that because I thought it was virtually I might be insane I never really realized that like you can have multiple voices inside your head at one time telling you to do a multitude of rational things in your life you know like I mean you open your mouth like that in a psychiatrist office and all of a sudden it’s like yo we need to get some medicine on this guy you know this guy this guy talked about that he shared about what was really going on and it planted the seed and I went to an alcoholic meeting and I saw a bunch of people that looked it it scared me because it’s like they’re having fun that you know everything’s fun smiling and you know it’s all fun and I’m like sitting there I’m like I don’t fit here this doesn’t make any sense and then people talk and it’s like God this stuff kind of makes sense it’s a little Hocus Pocus but it makes sense you know and I listen to this guy and you know L behold I like you know I start to see people that I’m with start to get better they start to Life Starts to get better you know they start graduating from these places and their parents buying BMW x5s and I’m like God I want to get in this program so I want to like you know like I’m going to get everything right like isn’t that right like sobriety’s cash and prizes that’s what I’m being told you know it’s like this is how I’m going to get a good job this is how my life is going to work everything is going to be perfect and all of a sudden I meet this guy and I ask him to go have coffee and I sit down with him and I had a problem because he’s laughing we’re we’re exchanging kind of like you know what it was like and what we came came from but there was a difference this guy had a ring on his finger he drove a nice car and he had three kids and then his he had a house and a job and I’m staying in a place that I’m lucky to have a bed at and you know listen if you’re new in Alcoholics Anonymous and you don’t want to stay here don’t ask this question we were talking for like half an hour talk and talk and talk and just you know like I mean about the good old days you know it was like it was a lot of fun to be honest reminiscing and everything else and then you know something took a little bit of a turn he just said yeah until till my luck ran out and it was like no matter what I did my life just seemed to become more of a mess and I I like got that and I looked at him and this is what you don’t ask what did you do to change I’ve never seen somebody smile so big in my life scared me that’s what I’m here to show you and I was like oh man close that door um and he said you know what do something for me prove me wrong do everything that I ask you to do and tell me your life doesn’t objectively get better and so that’s what I did I was a pain in the butt in alcoholic annonymous coming around here telling everybody what was wrong why it was wrong what they weren’t doing right how they should do and live their life differently about 2 three four months sober and I would call this guy and I’d tell him about all the problems that I was having you know the court cases are here it’s so complex the girlfriend problems are here my family doesn’t love me this doesn’t make any sense I’m going to die blah blah blah blah blah I know I just have some terminal disease I mean it was like all these times I would call him up and I would just lay it out every single time about everything that was wrong and he would just go mhm and then he would say Aaron there’s a solution here for you in alcoholic annonymous if you can focus on putting your energy and effort into these actions that I’m asking you to do these other things will get better and it’s like it doesn’t make sense like it doesn’t make sense go to a meeting of AA I got a court case go to a meeting of AA I got problems with my girlfriend do the steps my family doesn’t like me do the steps my you know like I’m in trouble with these guys because they don’t really like me in the treatment center pray like it it doesn’t make sense it’s like my solution in to life is it’s what I’ve been taught my entire life if I have a problem try harder do more get there no matter what try harder do more and you will conquer whatever whatever problem is in front of you you will conquer it that is what has been embedded in me in my entire life and this guy put up with so much crap and I did a fourth and a fifth step with him knowing that it wasn’t going to work and like it just changed changed I like went through the motions like third step yep whatever something’s up there sure you know and yeah obviously I have a problem with drinking and obviously my life is unmanageable I got I mean when you’re new it’s fun because you like you know it’s easy to like point out the things that are like massively unmanageable but the fact of the matter is is like if somebody looked at me incorrectly I would like go on a tail spin for weeks you know I was like that’s how fragile I was you know what I mean it’s like you know this guy put up with so much stuff and I did that fourth and fifth step and it’s like this light I mean literally the lights just came on in my life God meant something to me life changed the meetings that I was going to and the people that I was like I was harassing all of a sudden like started to mean something to me alcoholic synonymous started to mean something to me I realized that you know all these court cases and everything else was going to be there it’s like all right I got it ready for the cash and prizes you know what I mean like I’m ready for I’m ready for life to matter like I’m ready to take it all on like all these people and everything else is going on in their lives and I’m like really little by slow going to meeting every day washing dishes listen washing dishes in a place that served eggs and pans and so like I would be sitting scrubbing those eggs egg pan saying the third step prayer like 50 times like just please please get me out of here like you know I would just I mean everything going to like two three meetings a day going nuts you know like these court cases coming at me like it just doesn’t make any sense I’m ready for the cash and prizes let it come let it come you know and I would call him with new sets of problems and new sets of circumstances and I would say this just doesn’t make any sense why does this not make any sense my life is supposed to be getting better and then six months at sobriety you know I get a phone call it’s like my brother dies you know the day after we put him we buried my brother God Rest his soul I don’t talk about this a lot but the day after we buried him you know like I get indicted on another felony charge two weeks after that I get sentenced on the first felony charge and I have to go sit in jail for a little bit of time and where’s the cash and prizes I don’t understand new sobriety guys that are new in sobriety let me tell you something the gift’s in the struggle the gift is in the struggle because what are a set of principles if they don’t withstand during challenging times what’s a fellowship if they don’t withstand during challenging times listen I went I went went to my brother’s funeral one guy showed up it was a guy that I met in AA none of my buddies that were sitting at those at that you know those parties talking about how great life was going to be showed he showed I went to court the next day about four guys from AA showed up for me there right I went to jail for 90 days and they wrote they read me letters they alcoholic annonymous wrote me letters every single day none of those guys wrote me letters you know it’s funny you know like come in here you got an idea of what you want your life to be I uh I came into alcohol aous I had a girlfriend you know I was determined to get her back wanted her back so bad I was planning everything in my life around it you know even through the jail and through everything else that was going to be my prize you know like I don’t know if anybody else had this experience you like hold on to like one thing one thing’s going to be mine and uh you know I just I can even put myself in the place where she came and she finally came back and I remember looking back at her and saying I don’t want this anymore thank you and walking away Alcoholic Anonymous like fundamentally changed the wiring inside of me like I actually didn’t change I want to take that back Alcoholic Anonymous didn’t change the wiring inside of me it gave me a new circuit to live on right because that Beast is still in there ask some people that cross me every once in a while it’s like this guy like I’ll just come out of nowhere and it’s like wait you’re normally a nice guy and now all of a sudden you like freak out it’s like people want to know why you’re freaking out it’s like well you know it’s not all the way gone I still make a lot of mistakes you know like it’s not perfect still sponsored make mens on a regular basis it’s the way that it goes you know but I signed up for a life here you know in Alcoholic Anonymous I started doing this thing I started learning what it was to like give back I found purpose like my soul finally filled up I did steps I made amends you know I’ll tell you a couple of amend stories you know it’s like cash and prizes like that’s the deal nobody wants to cut the checks you know it’s like my sponsor is like notorious for this you pay back all the money I hate that so stupid if anybody ever tells you they like are really excited to cut that last check they just know because it’s the last time they got to dip into their own money to pay other people the money you stole from them I mean like it you know it’s it’s this Bittersweet thing but I got a funny story you know I my father and my mother both loved me very much they were great people and um you know there was a I was when I came in I mean I was really a mess I told the abbreviated version but I had a bunch of people that were trying to kill me some Mexican Mafia guys that were trying to kill me and um so I got a phone call at this treatment center that nobody like really knew where I was at and they said hey we’re going to hurt your family we’re going to hurt your brothers if you don’t pay this money back and I was like all right I got to go back I gotta go back and I gotta take this take care of this once and for all my dad was like no I’m gonna go and pay all these guys so like my dad goes into these drug dens and like cutting checks and like laying cash out for these guys it’s crazy I don’t I don’t know why I did it but anyway so he’s doing this stuff and uh so you know I get sober for a while and it was a lot of money you know what I mean a lot of money for guy like me and who has nothing um you know and and so you know I finally put some pennies in the bank and I was like you know I owe These Guys these men this money and I like had made multiple atts to like make payments and all that stuff and my dad and my mom were like no you know your life isn’t good so I finally got in situated where I was like go and pay that money so I go to my mother and they split it so I go to my mother and I give her the check and she’s like okay thanks and she just like took it no problem I go to my dad my dad’s like no no no son you take it it’ll be fine and I’m like you know I call my sponsor and my dad’s like I don’t have to pay him he’s like you just leave the check so I said to him I said listen Dad I’m just going to leave this check for you if you decide you want to cash it all make sure there’s B there’s balance in there that can handle withdrawal and everything will be fine N I don’t want it eron I really don’t want it the next morning at 6: a.m.
now my family normally doesn’t get up this early okay this is like really out of the blue and he’s got he’s so excited he goes you know I started thinking about that money and if it’s really okay I’m going to cash that check and you know I just started thinking of the things that I could do with it and all this kind of stuff it’s like yeah Dad you can you can have that money 8 o00 in the morning that cash was he deposited that check you know something changed between me and my father at that point in time it wasn’t it’s funny because it’s still very much father son but it’s no longer dependent son and so now it’s like there’s the air is really clear like how do you know if something on you if nothing if you’ve never experienced it off you you know so I made that amends it was crazy it was just it was it was one of the most surreal things I don’t know it’s probably not very big to anybody else but I just like God moving in that space you know it’s it’s crazy I talk about a little bit about you know so I got sober and then you know I decided I really struggled with this when I first got sober it was like I just had these jobs like mowing lawns and like you know cleaning dishes and stuff like that and everybody else that got the x5s and like went to school and like went to take over the world ended up drunk and I was this guy was just like ground in Alcoholic Anonymous I was going to so many meetings I mean I was like I was in I was you ever have those obnoxious friends that are like let’s go to a meeting let’s go to a meeting let’s do this there’s this and this and this and this I was that guy you know what I mean like I was the guy that like anybody needed a ride anywhere just call Aaron you know it’s like I mean literally it was like whatever came up I wanted to be there and I wanted to be in the center of it and uh I struggled with the idea of like trying to like should I like push myself am I going to get greedy if I want to go to school am I going to get greedy if I want to do these things and my life as a result of doing the steps and like walking through that fear you know like my life has taken on like crazy meaning right because I’ve been I’ve lived in like 10 different places throughout the course of my sobriety I’ve got to meet some really cool people and I’ve got to do some amazing things in alcohol ex Anonymous you know it’s it’s just it’s nuts you know it’s you get to sponsor people you get to do things like if you buy in Alcoholic Anonymous like I bought into Alcoholic Anonymous all the other stuff works out everything works out like you take a guy that was like not capable of going on like two dates with the same woman and you like get a married to the most wonderful person in the world it’s like it’s not of myself you take a two Time Felon and you put him in Corporate America and all of a sudden watch watch him Excel it’s not of myself but those aren’t the things like I don’t want to get hung up on that cuz everybody’s circumstances are different the thing that I want to say that that’s been that my experience has shown me is that nothing in alcoholic synonymous is impossible that God is big enough for all of it it’s just how much am I willing to trust that God is going to take care of it how much am I willing to put myself in the wheelbarrow day in and day out shake the new guy’s hands get know people again get a commitment at at a home group get a commitment in an h&i in you know committee listen to my sponsor even though that I’m convinced the man is wrong you know does my life stay on this path it’s funny I you know like you get sober for a little bit you know you do this thing and the less you know but you know know from the guy that was sitting in the spot where it was like I used to sit there afraid for anybody to talk to me I used to sit there convinced that I was different than everybody else little circumstances little like just family stuff little Financial stuff little Material World those things would always separate me from everybody else I hated people I did I hated people and stuck out my hand and even though I hated people and I couldn’t remember people’s names I started doing it and I started to feel better I don’t know I like you know these actions in Alcoholic Anonymous they don’t change you know it’s funny I’ve uh I went through a period of time I moved out to Seattle actually when I moved out to Seattle I had a really hard time so I was uh I was um I was in New York City and I was going to a ton of meetings going to Riker’s Island every other weekend like big big meeting like meeting like this every night of the week having a good time came out here AA is different rain’s terrible nobody likes me it doesn’t make sense it’s not going to work why does this you know this doesn’t even make sense anymore and I just I just went I just showed up man if anybody understands the Battle of your head let me tell you I do you but mine is trying to kill me I don’t know why it just is I want to um it’s funny because the other thing that I um I uh I’ve been thinking a lot about like what it means to be alcoholic right like a lot of times like we come in and like everybody clings to those circumstances and they want to know like what it is like just give me a clear definition if I am or if I’m not I’m working with a guy right now and all he wants to know is whether or not he is or he isn’t I just want to read this characteristics of the so now this is from Daily Reflection so for all of you purus out there it’s conference approved so if you want to if you want to burn me at the stake later please feel free to do that um characteristics of the so-called typical alcoholic is a narcissistic egocentric core dominated by feelings of omnip uh intent on maintaining at all cost its Integrity inwardly the alcoholic Brooks no control from man or God the alcoholic is and must be the master of his Destiny he will fight to the end to preserve the position what’s my job surrender to that I when I am in control of my life all of those things are in motion I’m narcissistic I’m egocentric and my way is the only way that it’s going to work I got time for this story it’s going on right now so it’s super current I love it like you know I always tell my sponsor he never like shares like what his current things are current things are from when he talks so I’m going to do it maybe he’ll get the tape and not love it but you know needless to say but uh we just moved to San Francisco or South Bay and we’ve been we’re staying in temporary housing and I hate it and we were supposed to get into our place but there was a rain there was rain that came there so just so you guys know in California they don’t build places like here they build it as if it’s never going to rain there and the rain came in and there was about 2 Ines on top of the ceiling and um and so it like demol you know they’ve got to go in and repair it all and so that’re we’re trying to put together like the plans for the next two weeks and great opportunity for me to like take control of the situation and like get in there and start ripping people around you know like that’s that’s what I’m good at so I like get in there and start moving all the pieces around and I’m like so narcissistic about I just can’t stop thinking about it well if we did this and we did that and we’re going to go here and we’re going to do this and if anybody has a suggestion to make about it it’s not good enough no no no no it’s got to be this way yet I can’t even make up my mind on which way it’s going to go and if it isn’t my own destiny then it’s not the right way to do things so yet I’m in direct conflict with the apartment building who is only trying to help my wife who is only trying to help the movers who are only trying to help and the temporary housing who are only trying to help and I’ve got this just storm convinced that it’s never going to work out and we’re not going to have any place to live and why am I even here and I run out of so much steam I mean I’m running Full Speed Ahead of we should just move back to Seattle it doesn’t even make sense to be here anymore you know and I come to that place after I like run out of like run out of steam and I call my sponsor and he laughs at me for like 10 minutes and then you know he reminds me that when I’m in control SL entitled I’m in direct conflict with the grace and the power that is here you know people want to know why people stay 25 years 30 40 50 years going around all over the place a because that stuff still happens but B what if somebody wasn’t there to talk to me what if nobody thought thought it was their job to stick their hand out and talk to me it’s funny because sometimes we can get so methodical in the steps and in the readings this is what it says right here but it’s a real experience that nobody can argue with alcoholic annonymous saved my life you can’t take that away from me maybe I read the book different maybe I have opinions different but that’s the core that is the core of what holds us all together and the hope that whoever’s out there in whatever grip can get help too it’s not my job to be judge jury and executioner it’s my job to be an instrument sometimes that’s pointing somebody else to a different place and sometimes that’s being inconvenienced in my life just as I inconvenienced that man multiple times and still inconvenience people I believe the heroes and Alcoholic Anonymous that are mine are the guys that show me that ethic on a daily basis they believe it to their core I love AA we have fun here new guy you see these everybody laughing about all these things that were going on and like laughing at some of the bad things that happened to me there’s an earnestness here there’s a belief here and there’s proof here that alcohol ex Anonymous Works under any circumstances whether she comes or she goes you got the job or you don’t you can get sober here and you can live a different life I’m grateful to be here grateful to be sober with Adam and a pass thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day