Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly. So, be sure to subscribe.

We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast. So, if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com. Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise.

We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Uh Barefoot Bill and Mike L from New Jersey. Let's give him a little welcome here.

And you guys, you guys have to guess which one's Barefoot Bill. This is Barefoot Bill and Mike Al from New Jersey. >> Hi everybody.

My name's Mike. I'm an alcoholic. We just thought we would uh start with maybe five minutes of what brings us to uh tonight.

My story is is kind of interesting in that I guess I I started drinking almost on a daily basis by age 17, 18, something like that. And I came into AA when I was 30 or 31. And oh, also by the way, I have a little bit of a cold.

I have a sore throat. I didn't sleep last night. Uh my back is sore.

So, uh I have a little bit of a hallucination going. So, uh this should be rather interesting. >> Thanks for sharing.

>> Um and uh I was in AA for three and a half years and I didn't drink. I went to a lot of meetings. I went to the diners afterwards.

I went to dances, I went to conferences, I went to conventions, I talked to people pretty regularly. And on the inside, my life was slowly getting more miserable because although I wasn't drinking and hadn't drank in over 3 years, I wasn't changing and I wasn't doing any kind of inner work. I was just not drinking and going to meetings and not really doing much of anything else.

I really didn't think that the steps applied to me. this whole spirituality thing was way too spooky. And and I came from a religious family and it just doesn't work.

It just up until that point just doesn't work for me. And I had reached a state in AA 3 and 1/2 years where if this is the way it's going to be, I might as well just drink or I might as well just kill myself because if this is what life is going to be like from now on, at least when I was drinking, I had moments of relief or moments of lack or moments of just not inside my head 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, uh, with my head chewing me up and spitting me out and my emotions in my gut ripping me apart because, you know, I was still stealing, I was still lying, I was still cheating, I was still scaming. women.

I was still manipulating. I was still doing whatever I wanted to do with no concern for anybody else. And to be honest with you, I wouldn't wish it on any on my worst enemy because um again, when I drank, at least I had moments of relief or moments of blackout or moments of, you know, alcohol did something for me.

It it at those times when I was drinking, it took away that inner unmanageability and that inner uh discomfort. But now I'm not drinking anymore. The only thing that ever helped me with that, I am now not doing anymore.

Uh, and I hadn't had a drink in three and a half years, which is relatively successful in AA. And it was at that point that I realized that there was a little bit more going on here than not drinking in dealing with alcoholism. Uh, up until that point, I really thought that alcohol was my problem.

So, not drinking was my solution. And what I now believe is that alcohol is not my problem. Alcoholism is my problem.

And there's a whole lot more to leading a contented, useful, peaceful, I'm happy about the fact that I'm not drinking kind of a life than just not drinking. uh which I had never seen before. And the interesting thing was is that that was the point that I decided to consider another way besides my own because up until that point before I came to AA I could blame alcohol for the things that were happening.

But now I couldn't. The only thing that I could blame was my best thinking and the way I was living my life. And obviously there was something very wrong with that.

And that was when I started getting into the steps. And that was when I started getting into um practicing a spiritual way of life that then transformed every area of my life for the better. And that it continues to do that as long as I continue to practice it in all of my affairs.

You know, it's interesting because step 10 talks about continue. Step 11 talks about seeking and improving. Step 12 talks about practicing and in all of our affairs.

So, I don't really see any any room for complacency in our program. Um which was the way I was working it. I wasn't even getting into the steps, but you I really just wasn't doing much of anything.

I certainly wasn't growing on the inside. So, um, today I don't see alcohol as my problem. As a matter of fact, alcohol was my solution for a period of time.

Alcohol helped me deal with that inner state of craziness and discomfort. And now I couldn't drink. So, that state was still there.

And I didn't really deal with the the mental and the emotional and the psychological and the spiritual aspects of alcoholism that uh the steps get into in a really great way. Um, I was supposed to start with a joke and I kind of uh told my story first. So now let me finish with a joke and then Mike can tell his five minutes of why he's here.

So my story inevitably is alcoholism, untreated alcoholism for three and a half years, not drinking but still very much untreated inner condition and then now in recovery and now growing. Um, now pretty much a transformed life. Pretty much a a person that very much is not capable of doing a lot of the things that I used to do.

um and certainly not wanting to head in that direction anymore either. So, this is the joke. Um there was a married couple driving down the street and a a policeman pulled him over because the husband who was driving wasn't wearing a seat belt.

So, after the policeman came up behind him and as he was pulling over, the husband real quickly took the seat belt and put it on. So, when the policeman came up to the window, he had his seatelt on. So, he rolled his window down and he said, "Officer, you know, why did you pull me over?

I certainly wasn't speeding. And the policeman said, "Well, when you passed me a mile back, you didn't have your seatelt on, and that's why I pulled you over." And the husband said, "You know, I'm sorry, sir, but you can see I had my seatelt on. I had it on before, too." So, the policeman looks over at the wife and says, "Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

Uh, was your husband wearing a seat belt before when he drove past me?" And the wife says, "Listen, sir. You know, if he said he was wearing a seat belt, he was wearing a seatelt." And the policeman looked at her and said, "Why did you just say that? You know, he wasn't wearing a seatelt." And the women looked at the woman looked at him and said, "Uh, officer, I learned years ago not to argue with him when he's been drinking.

Boy, this must be a sick group of alcoholics to laugh at that joke, I tell you." Hi, everyone. My name is Mike Lawrence and I am an alcoholic. >> My home group is the Carry This Message Group in West Orange, New Jersey.

and my sobriety date is September 27th, 1993. And for that, I'm very grateful. Um, Bill said that during the next 5 minutes, I was going to tell you a little bit about what brings me here tonight.

And uh, the reason I'm here is cuz uh, the bill and and uh, the committee of the anonymous foundation asked me to be. Um sometimes when I look back on the past 9 years, it's just really a big blur, you know. So doing stuff like this is is very beneficial to me and it it reminds me not only the terror, fear, and bewilderment that alcoholism brought me to, but it it's also a wakeup call in regards to my recovery and how far I've actually come.

Um, so I I personally enjoy doing stuff like this and uh my personal mo is if we can't have fun doing little workshops or meetings or or what have you or weekends like this, there's no sense of having them because when I was drinking, I was all about the fun. And then drinking wasn't so fun anymore. And then I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I met up with a group of people that seemed like that they were living pretty satisfying lives and that they were having a good time and they were having some fun.

And uh and that's that's how I try to live my life today. Um, so let's whether you're here just for this evening or if you're coming back tomorrow, uh, let's try to make this thing as fun as possible and not be so heavy or take our, as rule 62 says, uh, to take ourselves too darn seriously cuz, uh, you know, I tend to fall into that trap from time to time. I came into, uh, Alcoholics Anonymous just totally beaten down by by alcohol.

And uh what I had learned years later, I was also beaten down by what our book refers to as the spiritual malady. Um I had found out rather quickly that I had a disease of the of the body and the mind. And and it took me a few more years after I came into Alcoholics Anonymous to really understand and grasp that the main center of my the the main cause of my problem is what page 64 of our big book refers to as the spiritual malady.

And it says once the spiritual malady is overcome then we can straighten out mentally and physically. And I didn't know that for the first few few years of my recovery. Um, Bill said it took took him about three and a half years but before he had any clue of what the steps were.

And uh I guess God likes me a little bit better than barefoot Bill over here because uh somewhere about four and a half five 6 months sober um I got whacked right in the face with the proposition that if Mike if you don't start working some sort of program recovery you're going to go back to drinking or you're going to kill yourself. And I tell you, the second prop proposition looked pretty darn good, you know, cuz I got taken to a place in sobriety where all I was doing was not drinking and going to meetings. And I wouldn't have known a step if it would have bit me on the face.

And I just got taken to a place where I said, "If this is the way life is going to be without alcohol, if this is the way it is, if when I leave a meeting, you know, because I would walk into a meeting and you guys would say, Mike, how you doing?" And I'm doing great. I'm doing fine. I knew the AA parrot deal, you know, fine.

Good. You know, coffee is great. Meetings are good.

See you next week. Don't ask me how I'm doing with the steps, but everything's fine. And then I would go home and punch a wall wall in the hole and and if I could lift the refrigerator, I'd throw that out the window and pick a fight with the old man and and do all kinds of neat stuff like that, you know, that that we can do with untreated alcoholism that us alcoholics can do by just not drinking today.

You know, I wondered that why um I wonder that why when I was just not drinking and going to meetings that I mean I was 21 years old when I came into the rooms at Alcoholics Anonymous and I think I had more wrinkles on my face. I won't say I grew any more hair, but I think I had more wrinkles on my face when I came into the rooms and probably during the first couple years of sobriety than I do today. And you know, I I know exactly what that was all about.

That was all about untreated alcoholism. That was all about a spiritual sickness. That was all about being blocked off spiritually, being selfish and self-centered to the core.

Not having much of a conception of God. by no means having conscious contact with God and thinking that the deal was just not about drinking. And somewhere around 4 and a half, 5 months sober, I got taken to a place where I got desperate enough to ask somebody uh to help me with this program recovery and to help me with the steps.

And um Bill and I were talking about earlier and the way I look at the steps today for me, my own personal experience is that so far I've had about three surreners in Alcoholics Anonymous in regards to the 12 steps. Um this is just the way I see it today. If you ask me a year from now or 5 years from now, I may tell you something different.

Um, my experiences are constantly changing and I think that has something to do with the frequency in in which uh I've been taught to to go through the 12 steps. Uh, see, we've been taught to work and rework the 12 steps on an ongoing basis, not just one time through 1 through 9 and try to live the best you can in 10, 11, and 12. Uh, although if that works for you, that that's great.

That's not been the path that that I brought down and that I've been brought down in AA. Um, that's all I have for now. I'll bring it back to you.

I had a point somewhere around there. I don't know what it was. By the way, for anyone who's wondering, this is Scooby-Doo.

And for anyone who's wondering why Scooby is here, I think Scooby is very symbolic of the newcomer. Because I don't know about you guys, but when in the early days of recovery, when my sponsor would say something to me, I would have the tendency to tilt my head and look up at him and say, "Huh? So that's Scoop and you thought my joke was bad.

When I got real serious about uh making the 12 steps a way of life, um not just a way of not drinking, it was pointed out to me that the solution that AA has to offer for alcoholism has three parts. Um, not only is our problem physical, mental, and spiritual, but our solution is physical, mental, and spiritual. And that it's encompassed in what used to be all over our literature, which is now gone, which was the circling triangle.

That the base of the triangle, which was recovery, which is the program, which is the 12 steps. The left side of the triangle was unity, which is the fellowship, which is the going to meetings and interacting with other AAS. And the right side of the triangle was service, which is the giving back unselfishly and lovingly uh not only in AA but in all of our affairs.

You know, at home with the average stranger that we pass walking down the street, uh at work, uh perhaps other places that we frequent. And although um the solution is very much physical which is you know physically we take the body to meetings mentally uh the the steps kind of uh deal with the the psychological mental and kind of awakens us spiritually and then the way we grow uh spiritually is through work and self-sacrifice for others that although the solution is physical mental and spiritual what I've now come to see is that uh our solution is not physical mental and spiritual that our solution is just spiritual that um physically we take our bodies to the meetings. Uh that sense that buzz that we feel when we walk into a meeting perhaps for the first time or even for years after coming into a meeting that unconditional love that uncritical acceptance that sense of wanting to be of service and to help to other people that very much is a spiritual practice and that very much is a spiritual environment that we walk into when we have meetings.

Um the steps awaken us spiritually. Uh they're very much a spiritual set of actions that uh for me one of the coolest things about the steps is that whether we agree with it or not whether we think it's going to work or not if we do it it's going to. Uh the 12step guarantees that it says having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps.

It doesn't say some people sometimes do it. So it doesn't say you might. It says you will have a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps.

So for me um the goal of the steps is not recovery. The goal of the steps is to have a spiritual awakening and a byproduct of the spiritual awakening is that we recover from alcoholism as well as a host of everything that we could ever have problems with. I don't see this as an alcohol problem.

I see it as a spiritual problem. I don't see it as a spending problem. I see it as a spiritual problem.

I don't see it as a relationship problem. I don't see it as a work problem. I don't see it as uh uh you know a food problem.

Whatever. I don't see it as that. I see it as a spiritual problem.

And al uh AA doesn't deal with our alcoholism. It deals with our spiritual condition contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. And that spiritual condition deals with our alcoholism.

Like Mike said, when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. So that's sort of what the premise of the next two days are going to be. Um this is very much a spiritual solution.

Uh it's kind of one of the reasons why people kind of put down a and say, "You guys don't deal with alcoholism. What are you talking about?" You know, what are you talking about? You're talking about God.

You're talking about making amends. You're talking about inventorying. You're talking about getting honest.

You're talking about acceptance. You're talking about uh dealing with other people in life in a completely different way than a self-centered way that we used to live our lives. And they don't understand what does that have anything to do with alcoholism, quote unquote.

Well, our solution really doesn't apply to alcoholism. It applies to our spiritual condition. Just like all the 12 steps fellowships that exist in the world, they all deal with the spiritual condition.

And when the spiritual condition is dealt with, it deals with our addiction. Whether it's drama, uh whether it's uh gossip, whether it's food, whether it's drugs, whether it's alcohol, whatever it is. Um so the steps very much are a spiritual set of actions and a spiritual set of principles.

And then being of service to other people is very much, you know, faith with works that uh we need to be of service to other people. There's a quote in the big book that for me sort of captures the essence of of that aspect of it. And it says on page 14 in Bill's story, it says, "For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead." That I don't help a new person because they're sick.

I help a new person because I'm sick and I need to be helping people. My being of service to another person is part of my meds to stay away from my next drink and so that I feel good on the inside and that I'm out of my brain for a couple hours and I'm not thinking about me anymore. you know, a big part of my problem is thinking about me and a big part of the solution is thinking about somebody else.

So, I don't help somebody because they're sick. I help somebody because I'm sick and I need to be helping people. And for me, that's the kind of message that I carry to people that I work with because I think it's very important.

Also, in the early days, you might have noticed that um Roland Hazard was a gentleman that carried a message to Ebie Thatcher. Ebie Thatcher didn't ask for help. Roland Hazard showed up in court and started helping him.

Um Ebie Thatcher carried the message to Bill Wilson. Bill Wilson didn't ask for help. He was sitting at home in his kitchen, trashed out of his mind.

AB showed up and started working with him. Um, Dr. Bob didn't ask for help.

Bill Wilson showed up and started helping him. Uh, AA number three, Bill D, he didn't ask for help. Bill and Bob showed up at the hospital and started helping them.

We don't help people because they need the help. We help people because we need to be helping people. And that's part of how we move away from our next drink.

And that's part of how we um feel better on the inside where we can have a useful, contented life. And drinking just isn't an option anymore. Um, a couple of the quotes from the big book that point toward this just being about spirituality.

Um, as a matter of fact, this is from the Came to Believe book. Um, I guess at one time I think it had a black cover, a red cover, and and a white cover. I'm not sure where it's at now, but I've seen a bunch of different covers on it.

This is from page six. It said, "During a meeting one day, I remarked that I was just tickled to death with this AA program, all but the spiritual side of it. After the meeting, another member came up to me and said, "I'd like that remark you made about how you like the program, all but the spiritual part of it.

We've got a little time. Why don't we talk about the other side of it?" That ended the conversation. Now, in the Roman numerals, it says this.

It says, "We work out our solution on the spiritual as well as altruistic plane." Altruism is the giving of ourselves and expecting nothing in return. Altruism is very much a spiritual practice. So it's basically saying that we work out a solution on the spiritual as well as spiritual plane.

Then it says uh that quote I read before that if a alcoholic fails to perfect and enlarge a spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others that he could not survive the the certain trials and low spots ahead. Page 25 it says if you are as seriously alcoholic as we were we believe there is no middle of the road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid we had but two alternatives.

One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could, and the other was to accept spiritual help. So, he's kind of saying that if you're an alcoholic that there's only two paths that you can go, either a lot of booze or a lot of God. And he says it a second time, too.

Um, I don't see it right now. I I'll cover it because I know it's further in my notes, but I don't see it right away. Um in the gym story on page 35 in u more about alcoholism it says we told him what we knew of alcoholism in the answer we had found he made a beginning all went well for a time but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life to his concernation he found himself drunk a half dozen times in rapid succession that statement for me he failed to enlarge his spiritual life I would like to suggest that every person in AA that has ever relapsed that it was because of that reason if you ask them if they were doing morning meditation if you ask them if they were doing inventory if If you had asked them if they had made amends, some part of that process they were not doing.

And that's how we grow spiritually is by going through the steps and then carrying the message to other people. When we fail to enlarge our spiritual life, we fail to reach the point where we're comfortable with ourselves, not drinking, and we can just live a decent life here and now, comfortable in the moment, not worried about tomorrow, not thinking about today, just in the moment. Here and now, totally comfortable, totally at peace, totally all right right now.

You know, I don't know about anybody else here, but I drank because I couldn't get comfortable in my own skin. When I drank, that was the only time that I could feel comfortable in my own skin. And then after I stopped for three and a half years, I still couldn't achieve that.

And it was only when I started working the steps and seeking a spiritual path that I finally reached the point where I was comfortable within myself, no matter where I was, no matter what I was doing, no matter who I was with, I was a right here and now. And for me, that's kind of the goal of everything. If I can just have peace right now, I'm in heaven.

And when I'm not in peace and when I'm in fear and when I'm in self- concern and when I'm in that inner turmoil, I am in heaven in no uncertain terms. I mean, I am in hell in no uncertain terms. On page 40p, it says uh the alcoholic at certain times has no effect of mental defense against the first drink except in a few rare cases.

Neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a higher power. Page 44.

If you if when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely. Or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from illness, which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

To one who feels he is an atheist or agnostic, such an experience seems impossible. But to continue as he is means disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. To be doo, and here's that other one that I was talking about, to be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.

But after a while, we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life or else. Again, there's no door number three. Door number one is either a lot of booze or a lot of God.

Um, and and don't get me wrong, I'm not really that comfortable with that. I'm not really that comfortable with that as a solution. I would much rather not do much of anything and just not drink.

But my experience has been that not doing much of anything and not drinking brought me a whole lot more misery and as much misery as when I was drinking because again, now I'm inside my head. Now I'm I'm ripping apart emotionally and mentally and that state was just um not comfortable for me. Page 45 it says lack of power.

That was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live and it had to be a power greater than ourselves obviously. But where and how are we defined that power?

Well, that's exactly what this book is about. They're talking about the big book. Its main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.

In how it works, it says, "Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help, it is too much for us. But there is one capital O which has all power.

That one is God. May you find him now." And in the original manuscript, which was what the big book looked like before the last changes were made in it, that actually said, "You must find him now." which uh don't get me wrong, I'm kind of happy that they changed that a little bit, but uh for me it kind of captures the essence of where they were coming from. It wasn't as subtle as it ended up the way it is.

But at the the abs and C's at the end of how it works, it says that probably no you in power could have relieved our alcoholism and that God couldn't would if he were sought. Mike mentioned it before when the spiritual mality is overcome straighten out mentally and physically. Page 77 it says, "But with the alcoholic whose hope, and in the original manuscript that said, "Whose only hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave, we found that it is fatal.

For when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again." Page 99 it says, "Remind the prospect," which is a new person in AA, that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God.

Then on page 100 it says both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist remarkable things will happen. When we look back we realize that things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we had planned.

Follow the dictates of a higher power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world no matter what your present circumstances. For me, that's one of my favorite promises in the book because there's an incredible sense of freedom and we can live a life where what life is handing us doesn't matter. If if uh if I keep the job, I can be a right.

And if I lose the job, I can be a right. If uh my son acts in a way that is reasonable, I can be a right. And if he acts in a way that's not reasonable, I can be a right.

If the wife stays, I can be a right. And if the wife goes, I can be a right. And don't get me wrong, you know, I just experienced last year a marriage breakup and an incredible amount of pain and an incredible amount of bewilderment and an incredible amount of pain.

Just an incredible amount of pain. But through all of it, I still had a sense of I'm nothing more than just sitting in God's hand. And I know that it'll be okay.

And I know that I can get through it. I don't know about you, but even when everything was all right, I never had a sense that everything was going to be all right. I always had a sense of impending calamity.

Even when everything was okay, I always had a sense of I know that I'm going to self-sabotage whatever I get myself into. and that the other foot's just going to fall and that today even in the middle of extreme life situations I can be all right within myself and that's an incredible sense of peace and that's an incredible sense of freedom that I hope that I could pass along to somebody else. Page 120 it says this is this is actually talking about if we have a relapse.

It says though it is infinitely better that we have no relapse at all as has been true with many of our men. It is by no means a bad thing in some cases. Your husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual activities if he expects to survive.

You need not remind him of his spiritual deficiency. He will know it. And then on page 164, which is uh the last page before it gets into the stories, it says, "God will disclose will constantly disclose more to you and to us.

Ask him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come if your own house is in order." So there's certain things we need to do. But obviously, you cannot transmit something you haven't got.

See to it that your relationship with him, capital H, is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the great fact for us. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.

Admit your faults to him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us.

We shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny. So uh those are just some of the quotes out of the big book and uh some other literature that talks about sort of the premise of where we're trying to come from in regard to the next two days is that um yes there's spirit there's physical aspects and mental aspects of our program but uh when the spirituality is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically and uh we're going to share some uh um things that we've come upon that have helped us in trying to seek that kind of a path. Bill read the quote and how it works.

There is but one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him.

Now I have kind of a rhetorical question for the group. And maybe this is a question you want to sit with and not necessarily let your ego answer it right away. But the question is, is it possible for anyone in this room to pick up a drink right now?

How about right now? How about now? Now.

You see, when I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous, all people were telling me was stay in the moment. Take one day at a time. If necessary, one hour at a time.

Stay in the now. Stay in the now. Stay in the moment.

Stay in the now. And I didn't get it. I didn't start to get it until a couple years ago when some other spiritual literature started coming coming into my life and and these and these spiritual teachers and and and just people who've been doing this a heck of a lot longer than I have literally and non-alcoholic people who live their life not just one day at a time but one moment at a time for each and every moment.

I can't get drunk right now. In retrospect, it it makes a world of sense today, you know, just don't drink today. You can drink tomorrow, but don't pick up that first drink today.

And I didn't get it. And I got it now because tomorrow never comes because it's always today. I don't think there's any coincidence that uh that quote one of the quotes that that Bill read about may you find God now and I just woke up to this recently.

I really don't think it's a coincidence that it says may you find God now. It certainly doesn't say may you find God in the past. May you find God yesterday.

I mean, Bill Wilson could have wrote, "May you f may you find God on Wednesday, right?" No, they're telling us, "May you find God now." Cuz that's the only time there is now. This present moment is the only moment. Anything in the past doesn't count because it's in the past.

Anything in the future is not reality because it hasn't occurred yet. It's not now. I like to look at the process of the 12 steps.

What I bring to the process of the 12 steps is a clogged drain. Anyone have clogged drains or clogged pipes at home? You know, I like to be I know what's going through your head.

>> It's called nasal to congestion. >> I wasn't going there, but uh I'm the clogged pipe. I'm the clogged drain.

And what the 12 steps of alcoholic synonymous are for me is liquid spiritual Drano. It's spiritual draano. It it cleans out the clog.

What the clog is is that I am blocked off from conscious contact. I am blocked from that which is keeping me sober this moment. before I go through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and I and if I rest on my laurels and I don't continue to do steps 10, 11, and 12 on a daily basis and for me if I don't do annual or semianual inventories and if I don't continue along with the process of making amends and if I don't continue to become entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character.

I really hate that word all. I hate it more today than I did nine years ago. If I don't continue to do these things, if I don't continue to to keep my drain clean, I'm going to clog up again and I'm going to be blocked off from that which is keeping me sober today.

I'm going to be blocked off from that which keeps me sane, from that which always did, always has, and will continue to point me to truth. The second step says that we get to be restored to sanity. The 10th step tells us that by the time we've gotten here, we are restored to sanity.

Check out these promises. I mean, for years and years, all I heard about was the ninestep promises. And don't get me wrong, they're great promises and and they've come true in my life.

But let's check out these 10step promises that that the big book talks about wherever they are. Uh it says that love and tolerance of others is our code. You kidding me?

Love and tolerance of others is our code. Resentment, hatred, and aggression towards others was my code. And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone.

Dash even alcohol. What a concept. I have ceased fighting anyone or anything.

even alcohol. I mean, I I got the part about cease fighting alcohol, you know? I mean, that that hap that happened somewhere probably at about a a year where I woke up to the fact that by golly, I haven't thought about drinking in quite a while.

So, something's going on here. This AA thing is really working, you know. And I and and I started working the steps.

And every once in a while I would have that subtle thought of a drink and it would go as quick as it came and I didn't attach to the thought. And as soon as the thought came uh I used to say I began to pray and I heard a a gentleman say something similar to this and and and I can relate it to my experiences. When a thought of a drink comes to mind to me today, I don't begin to pray.

something happens from within me and a prayer begins to come from within me and there's a subtle difference there and drinking is no longer an option. So I got to deal with alcohol pretty quickly but cease fighting anyone or anything. They can't mean the wife.

They can't mean traffic. They can't mean the boss. My employer cease fighting.

You got to be kidding me. 10steps promises says that that's a place we can be brought to. Cease fighting my home group members in business meetings.

I know y'all I know you guys in Albany don't have that problem, but you know, I guess we're a little sicker in Josy. Um, we will be seldom interested in liquor. My god, what a promise.

I've only got to do 10 steps to be taken to that place. Only like it's easy, right? If tempted, we recoil as from a hot flame.

You know, I'm not insane enough today where I where I if I know a burner on the on the stove has been lit and it's hot and Oh, yeah. I I think I'd like to touch that burner just to see if anything has changed in the past 5 years. No, I noticed that it's hot and boom, I recoil.

It's a hot flame, baby. That's how it is in regards to alcohol. We react sainely and normally.

My sponsor says it hasn't quite happened for me yet, but you know, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes.

I like to add this part with a hell of a lot of work in the steps, but it's true. I didn't start this this step process. Yeah.

I mean, when I was new, yes, I want to have a spiritual experience so I can recoil from alcohol like a hot flame and and and sanity will happen automatically. Man, I just wanted to get the monkey off the back. I just wanted the voices to stop chanting in my head.

Dr. Paul, who wrote a story in in our big book, talked about uh on a lot of his tapes, talked about the the committee in our head. You know, the voices, they start like about 4:30 a.m.

You're a piece of garbage. You're going to have the worst day of your life at work. That woman laying next to you who's snoring, she don't really love you.

Those AA people, what a bunch of quacks. They're not really sober. You know, thoughts like that, like Bill talked about, our our head starts to chew on us.

We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. You know, I get to ask myself today, is that my current experience?

Do I feel like I'm in a safe uh in regards to alcohol? Or how about this one, in regards to any of my character defects or self-will? Do I feel like I'm in a position in neutrality, safe and protected, where I'm not fighting my own self-will today?

Where I'm not fighting other people in my life today? That'll make the hair stand up on the back of your neck, huh? We have not even sworn off.

Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are not neither cocky nor are we afraid.

This is our experience. This is how we react so long as we Now, that's a condition. This is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

I'll turn it back to Bill. Mike had talked about staying in the now. It's kind of interesting the way step 10 throws out the fact that um on page 84 it kind of talks about steps four through nine on a momentby-moment basis.

Um, and on a moment by mmoa basis in the now, in the moment, right now, if I'm sensing um selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, or fear, or if I'm sensing that I've gotten off the beam or I've gotten away from being in the moment, there's a way that we can get back on the beam. Um what's interesting with uh the wording that he uses is um first it says in the beginning of step 10 it says we vigorously which means you know pretty pretty effort uh commence this way of living as we cleaned up the path. So it's saying that we start the way of life of step 10 and 11 as we start going out to make amends in our ninth step.

So there's no sort of pause or there's no sense of okay now I finished all my nice little amends now I can start doing 10. It's saying that as I start cleaning up the past I start practicing this step 10 and 11 way of life. And notice the wording that it uses.

It says that uh um we have entered the world of the spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness of having entered the world of the spirit. Which is another way of saying of of just being in the moment.

Because you might notice that the big book fourstep talks about resentments, fears, and sex and harms and stuff like that. And that um a resentment is a form of living in the past. You know, it's amazing how we can have a resentment toward people that are dead.

You know what I mean? I mean, think about that for a second. These people aren't even alive anymore and from the grave they're controlling our lives.

Uh resentment is a form of living in the past. A fear is a form of living in the future. And the more we're in the past or we're in the future, the better chances that we are or causing harms right now.

So the reason why the first nine steps deal with the past is because after you know at 75% of our program deals with the past and um now uh after we've dealt with the past, we can just be in the moment here and now. We're not influenced by what people did or people said or all of that. We're just able to respond currently, right now in whatever way is appropriate, in whatever way seems perhaps loving to us.

whether the person deserves it or not. That's another form of freedom for me in trying to practice this way of life is that um you know in the past I would only treat you well if I thought you deserved it or if you treated me well or whatever. It doesn't matter to me today.

And don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean that I'm supposed to allow somebody to abuse me. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about uh if a person acts inappropriately, that does not give me the right to act inappropriately.

And the reason why I do that is not for them. It's for me. You know what I mean?

It's sort of like, you know, they pissed me off, so I'm going to punish them by me having negative emotions. That's sort of like, you know, uh, I'm going to take poison and expect you to get sick, you know, which is basically what a resentment is. It's I'm I'm going to take poison and I'm this, which is this resentment and this this sense of just negative emotion that just eats us up in a response to somebody else that, you know, we think didn't act the way we wanted them to.

So it's like, you know, I'm going to take poison so that you know, you get sick, which really just doesn't make sense. So, uh, you know, in the beginning of the first nine steps, it very much deals with the past and it very much clears up all that stuff so we can just kind of be in the muppet so that we can just be in the moment, not influenced by the past or the future anymore. And notice the wording that he uses.

It says, "Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. Right now, I in the moment right now, I I look for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. As soon as I find something that's disturbed my peace of mind or that's taken me off the beam or that's shifted me from just being right within myself, I look for that.

And that when these crop up, I ask God at once. I at once ask God to remove them right now. Ask God to help me with this.

It says that uh we discuss them immediately or now uh with someone else. uh we make amends quickly or right now uh if we have harmed someone and then we resolutely turn right now we resolutely turn towards someone else that we can help because all of a sudden now the focus is on us again because somebody didn't act the way we wanted them to or perhaps uh you know like Mike said you know traffic's bothering us or or the boss isn't acting the way we think they should or or uh you know that's another thing that in hearing a lot of fifth steps uh the one statement that probably covers 95% of every single resentment that I've ever heard was the following statement. So basically what you're saying is they're not acting the way you want them to.

That covers it right there. Every resentment I've ever had, just about 99.9% of every resentment I ever had, if not 100%, is because they're not acting the way I think they should. And what better form of playing God is there than them not acting the way I want them to.

Like I know it's best. You know what I mean? And that's the kind of stuff we can be free of as we go through these steps.

So, it's very much talking about in this moment um seeing if I've gotten off the beam and in this moment getting back on. Then on the page 85, it says, "Every day is a is a every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. How can I best serve thee?

Thy will thine be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

Um, again, in the moment, carrying the vision of God's will in all of our activities. Now, now, now as I go through the day, if I've gotten away from that, I can get right back to it. Um, and then in step 11, he kind of does the same thing with um, you know, he talks about as I go through my day, I pause when agitated or doubtful.

Agitated is well before pissed off, and doubtful is well before we're in deep crap. You know what I mean? If in the moment I find myself agitated or doubtful, agitated is an emotional disturbance and doubtful is a mental disturbance that as soon as I find myself off the beam, I have a process that can get me back on the beam in the now.

The more peace and the more freedom I have and then in more nows, the better I feel about my life. Drinking isn't an option. I don't need to go back to drinking because drinking helps me with that and I can bring it about within myself with my higher power's help and with the process of the steps and with the techniques that we're talking about and I can grow more and more where you know what most of my day today is very peaceful and it's very comfortable and I just came here to stop drinking you know what I mean and it talks about uh notice when it it describes our inner state uh 10-11 very much talks about in the now analyzing where are we currently and don't get me wrong it doesn't mean that you know I can't work because I need to to view what's going on inside of me um it talks about um we consider our plans for the day that's very much an inner thing it says before we begin we ask God to direct our thinking it talks about being divorced from self-seeking or rather self-pity dishonest or self-seeking motives motives are an inner thing it says it talks about our mental faculties it talks about God giving us brains to use it talks about our thinking being cleared of wrong motives says that we may face indecision and we can't determine which course to take.

All that stuff is very much on the inside. Um we can ask God for inspiration and intuitive thought or decision. The answers will come after we've tried this for a while.

Talks about the hunch or the occasional inspiration but gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Talks about conscious contact with God in the now. Not just a a a conception of God, but a conscious contact with God, a relationship with that power within us.

You know, it's sort of like the I I'll get into it in the second session tonight, but um it's sort of like there's two parts within us. The ego aspect, which is very fearful, selfish, dishonest, uh me, anxious, that's that part of that voice and the characters that that voice sometimes takes on. And Mike mentioned it before with, you know, just how we judge the world as not being okay.

And then there's that loving aspect of us that's loving, honest, um not fearful, very unselfish, um very honest in uh you know practicing the principles and and being honest with you know what's really going on in the moment right now. So, there's these two parts within this, and I'm going to do an exercise later that for me is one of the most powerful things I've ever heard, and uh it's just like a 10-second exercise that we can do in observing uh an aspect of our, you know, being in the moment that for me was very mind-blowing and very uplifting because um I I I read this quote one time. It said that we we all have a Grand Central Station mind, but we don't have to get on every train that comes through the station.

I have these thoughts that are just crazy sometimes. I mean, just moments ago, I had one and it's like, but I don't have to get on that train, you know, like I remember one time um um my marriage had just ended. I was going through a lot of pain and a lot of crazy thoughts and I called to my friend and I said, "Well, I only have two thoughts.

Do I burn the house down when they're home or when they're not home?" And this is a person that tries to practice spiritual principles. I mean, this is and you know, we both laughed and we both realized neither one of those things I was going to respond to. But, you know, I can have these thoughts, but I don't have to feed into them because I can see that these are these are just not healthy.

It's that that ego or that unhealthy voice is driving that aspect of me. And there's another part of me that can override that. That's the very honest, very loving.

You know, with my marriage ending and me going through a lot of pain after I realized that it was over, I never said or did anything that I regretted or that I needed to make amends for. I don't know about any of you, but I'm not capable of that. My last name is lash and I'm really good at lashing out.

And to have the freedom where my mind and my emotions are telling me to do something and me not to do it is one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. I know within me what is right. You know some people call it your conscience, your holy spirit, your that you know your Buddha nature, your the your inner voice, the the you know for me that's that part within us that is of God.

And there's ways of distinguishing that voice compared to the other one that you know is just out there to get everybody. You know it's the judge. It's the the fearful aspect of it.

It's the the you're not good enough, you know, that that's that ego voice. And inevitably, the more I follow that voice, the more stuff I have the inventory in the forep. The 11 step continues.

Uh, you know, our thinking will as time passes be more and more on on the plane of inspiration. Um so you know it's very much talking about what is going on within us and it's very much talking about distinguishing between those two voices that are within us and trying to do the next right thing now in the moment. Totally free of the past.

Totally free of the future. Anticipation of it just in the moment. Just totally right.

Just totally free. Just totally comfortable. And it's strange because you know what does this have anything to do with not drinking?

It has everything to do with not drinking because if I'm comfortable within myself in most moments, drinking just isn't an option anymore. And it's the whole goal of the steps is just to be comfortable here and now where I can bring about that ease and comfort that comes when I take a drink by not taking a drink, just being in the moment after the process of the steps, trying to grow spiritually and to be of service to somebody else. Five more minutes and we'll take a break.

The title of this from from the flyer that I saw is called uh the spiritual life is not a theory. we have to live it. And then uh there was a little blurb about maintaining conscious contact through the holidays.

And uh I got pretty excited and fearful all in the all in about 10 seconds when uh when when Bill had asked if I'd be interested in doing this because first of all, the thought ran through my head, what a neat topic. And the second thing that ran through my head was, man, I really don't do anything differently to maintain my conscious contact during the holidays than I do any other time during the year. So, I'm really going to have very little to talk about, which we know is a lie once you get to know me a little bit.

Uh but I I want to just uh close this session with a few quotes from uh the chapter working with others in our big book because I really think it speaks to to the topic that that we've been sort of charged with. Um on the bottom of page 100 it says assuming we're spiritually fit and I think with a lot of us mainly me that's a big assumption. But assuming assuming we're spiritually fit we meaning alcoholics can do all sorts of things uh that people say alcoholics are not supposed to do.

Then on the next page, it says, "We meet these conditions every day." And they go before that, they describe, you know, we're not supposed to go uh where where there's liquor being served. God forbid if I see a billboard that advertises Heineken, Zema, what is that? They didn't have that when I was drinking, you know.

But the, you know, don't watch a movie that has to do with with drinking or drugs, you know. Mike, you can't watch the Doors movie. My god, I love Jim Morrison.

Um, but these are conditions that that we must meet every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them still has an alcoholic mind. There is something wrong with his spiritual status.

If I have an alcoholic mind, there's not something wrong with my mental status. There's something wrong with my spiritual status. It goes on to say, so our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking if we have a legitimate reason reason for being there.

Um, you will note that we have made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, have I any good social, business or personal reason for going to this place? And these are tools that we can use during the holidays if you feel you're on shaky grounds or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?

you know, am I going to am I going to this party or this business function or this family gathering to to go there for me to get what's out of it for me, you know, me me my my national anthem, me me, you know, and the 12 steps of AA tell me to focus on you, you you you know, so I need to be bringing um I need to be focusing on you. what what can I bring to these events? Uh if you're if you answer these questions satisfactory, you you need have no apprehension.

We get to have a choice now. Either go or stay away, which either seems best, but be sure you're on solid spiritual ground before you start. And that your motive, this book talks a lot about motives in going is thoroughly good.

Do not think of what you can get out of the occasion. Me, me, me, me, me. Think of what you can bring to it.

You, you, you, you, you. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead. They're always telling us to work with others.

Get out of myself and get into others. Your job now is to be at a place where you where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others. So never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful.

Uh you should not hesitate to visit the most sorted spot on earth on such an errand. I won't comment. Keep on the firing line of life when these mo with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.

Uh the very last paragraph of page 103 which ends the chapter working with others. It says after all after all our problems were of our own making and this hooks back to the 10step promises. Bottles were only a symbol.

Besides we have stopped fighting anybody or anything we have to. We'll take a break. Uh 10 minutes.

Hi, welcome back everyone. My name is Mike and I am an alcoholic. Mike, >> there was something on the on the flyer that uh that Jim put out that I wanted to read a little expanded version on from language of the heart.

But before I get in because that's really what we're going to key off of for the next 45 or 50 minutes or so. I don't think I can p push it any past 50 minutes, but I have an alcoholic ego, so I may try. No, I'm just kidding.

Um, but there's something that I want to read to you that that came to me uh just a couple months ago, and uh I put pen to paper because uh I got it in meditation. It was so profound to me. Um, which means it's probably not worth two cents, but I'm going to read it to you anyway.

It says, "It seems it sometimes seems that life has the tendency to come straight at us like a speeding bullet. The problem is that we think we're the target. We are not the target of life's happenings, but we think we are.

The truth is is that life just happens. The bullets are just random firings, but we think the problems in our lives are like a guided missile headed for a target on our forehead." But if the big book is correct when it says our troubles are of our own making, then we're the ones that paint the target and sometimes we go out searching for the bullets. In other instances, we are sleeping when the bullets are fired and we're not alert enough to move out of the way.

When we awaken spiritually, we sometime when we awaken spiritually, we realize that life is not out to get us. We are just another energy field that the bullets of life pass through. We are not the targets.

On page 240 of language of the heart and um it was quoted on the flyer, but it was only halfway quoted as far as the full paragraph goes. And I want to read the full paragraph because I think it's really powerful. It says, 'The chances are better than even that we shall locate our trouble in our misunderstanding and neglect of AA's step 11, prayer, meditation, and the guidance of God.

The other steps can keep most of us sober and somehow functioning. But step 11 can keep us growing if we try hard and work at it continually. If we if we expend even 5% of the time on step 11 that we habitually and rightly lavish on step 12, the results can be wonderfully farreaching.

That is an almost uniform experience of those who constantly practice step 11. I found it real interesting that it says if we spend just 5% of the time on our conscious contact with God and maintaining our conscious contact with God via the vehicles of prayer and meditation, we're going to be so much for the better. If we spend just 5% of the time that we do with helping other alcoholics, we're just going to skyrocket as far as our spirituality is concerned.

I believe Dr. Bob once quoted that if we spend uh I'm not sure what the actual figure is, but I'll make it up. Um like I do with page numbers in the big books sometimes.

Uh I think he says if we if we expend half the amount of energy after after going after the 12 steps and trying to find a relationship with our heavenly father or God as we understand him. If we expend half of the amount of energy that we did when it comes to spirituality as we did with our drinking, we're not going to fail. We can't fail.

Thanks for sharing. >> My name is Bill. I'm an alcoholic American.

>> Thanks for sharing. I talked about those two voices within us. For me, that's the essence of a conscious contact.

Which voice is leading me in each moment? And when I realize that the wrong voice is leading me, getting off that train and getting back on the beam, um, I've actually heard it two put two ways. These are two little parables.

Uh, it says, "A battle is fearlessly forcing raless forces rages within me. One side is an eagle which carries me soaring above the valleys of my soul in search for truth on wisdom's peaks. The other side is a raging wolf.

It tears apart my broken wings and drags me to the depths of self-deeat. Which one succeeds? The one I feed.

And then this is an old Cherokee teaching um an old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. A fight is going on inside of us. He said to the boy, "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One is evil. is anger, envy, sorry or sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other one is good.

He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside of you and inside every person, too. The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed." Um, what's interest I used to always refer to that as the two dogs.

Um, that I have a good dog and a bad dog. And what's interesting is is that when I was out there, I could do things that were ruthless and not very nice. And I I very often didn't feel bad about it.

I felt you deserved it. I mean, if it's all about me, you know, I got to do ruthless things. And in coming into AA and in trying to practice, you know, I think it's interesting that in the first paragraph of how it works, it mentions honest or honesty three times and even says that this is a way of living which demands rigorous honesty.

Uh first of all, I need to ask myself, do I feel that's important? Secondly, I have to ask myself, am I living that type of life? Um and uh now in trying to practice, you know, an honest life or a spiritual life or whatever you want to call it, a godly or loving life, whatever.

Um today sometimes I can do some small thing that I know is wrong and it just rips me apart. My conscience just comes against me in no uncertain terms over some little thing. Now I'm feeding that dog a whole lot more.

I'm feeding the good dog a whole lot more. And now my conscience comes against me before it gets to be, you know, way out of hand. You know what I mean?

I can still make mistakes, but well before it's out of hand. I know and and knew even probably before that what I was about to do was wrong. I am so grateful for that.

But the thing is that now I'm feeding that dog. Before I was feeding the bad dog. And it's interesting because neither dog or neither voice ever dies.

You know what I mean? Both of them are always there, but just one very often is stronger because that's the one that I'm feeding more. So our question to you is, you know, in each moment, which dog am I feeding inevitably?

For me that's the sort of the the spiritual path or sort of the um the essence of being in the moment and the essence of which voice am I following right now right here right now which voice is the one that's leading me the Oxford group which is where AA got all the steps from in most of the spiritual principles used to have something that bless you used to have something that was called the four absolutes it was love purity unselfishness and honesty uh for me that is a big part of my spiritual walk and my path path. What's interesting is is that in the resentment inventory in the fourth step, it talks about where was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking or frightened. That's the opposite of the four absolutes.

Frightened is the opposite of love. Uh dishonest is the opposite of honesty. Selfish is the opposite of unselfishness.

And self-seeking is the opposite of purity. Because not only is purity sort of a sexual thing with our acts and our thoughts, but it's also are our motives pure? you know am I helping somebody because I just want to help them or am I helping them because I want something out of it you know I mean that's also an aspect of of purity and um also in the 10th step it talks about continue to watch for selfishness which is the opposite of unselfishness dishonesty which is the opposite of honesty resentment which is the opposite of purity and fear which is the opposite of love and then the 11th step he mentions it again it talks about uh when we constructively review our day at the end of the day it says was I resentful was I selfish was I dishonest was I afraid again the opposite of the four absolutes although he doesn't mention the the four absolutes in our literature he mentions the opposite of it because the opposite of it is the ways that we're falling short so for me if these are the ways that we're falling short then I need to also look at the other standard am I growing today am I more loving today than I was a year ago that means I'm growing spiritually am I more honest today than I was a year ago that means I'm growing spiritually That means I'm on the beam more.

Am I growing in unselfishness? Am I growing in um empathetic listening to other people when people are talking to me? Am I really there just listening to them or am I waiting them for them to stop so I can respond because I can I I've experienced, you know, I can relate to that at times.

You know, am I more reasonable in traffic today? That means that I'm growing spiritually. you know, if growing spiritually is a a a priority or if it's a part of this, what can I how can I tell?

How can I regulate it? How can I see am I growing? You know what I mean?

It's really easy to say, "Oh, yeah, you know, I I pray more. Oh, yeah, I'm closer to God now than I was a year ago." But what does that mean? What if I'm talking to somebody who doesn't even know when you use the word God what that means?

And in some in some cases sort of has a negative definition because I've talked with people that God was this negative to be feared kind of a thing. uh and um you know something that for me is really important not only with the four absolutes but you know uh there's ways that I can regulate or there's ways that even sometimes just in the moment I can see you know am I growing spiritually am I able to handle situations today that used to baffle me am I handling situations today that used to cause me to go off you know Mike we had touched upon it before there's usually four areas that I can besides sort of the four absolutes I'm just kind of seeing if I'm growing in certain areas uh spiritually there's four areas that for me is the ultimate test to how am I doing spiritually? One is spend a week with your parents.

How well do you handle that? There's a sign of how you're doing spiritually. Uh when you're in traffic and you're running late, there's a sign of how I'm I'm doing spiritually, you know.

Um the other one was Mike mentioned it. I I whispered in his ear, so I'll take credit for it. um you know, how am I how am I doing at my home group's business meeting?

You know what I mean? Because there's those people that like push our buttons. And the cool thing is is that the issue isn't that they're pushing our buttons.

The issue is is that we have buttons to push. If we can get rid of those buttons, they don't have buttons to push anymore. And that's a that's a key thing for me in sort of a technique of passing along about the holidays is that these people in our family, they're not pushing our buttons.

They're letting us know. They're they're on some level I view that as they're in my life to let me know there's something more that I need to work on and I am grateful for them pushing my buttons because I see that there's something more within me that I need to work on. It talks about in the 12 and 12 that it's a spiritual axiom that anytime somebody else disturbs us there's something wrong with us.

It's not an easy thing. It's not again I don't like that news but in trying to work toward getting more freedom those are things that I found is my truth. And then the the fourth spot which uh I don't know if we're going to do it but we were thinking about it.

Uh the fourth one the ch the test on how am I doing spiritually is how do I do in those moments when I'm just with myself within myself not watching TV not watching the radio just alone inside myself for perhaps a 5minute period of time. What's my inner state during those moments? Is my mind and my emotions beating me up?

Am I comfortable just being alone? Am I comfortable just being in silence just all right just here and now? Or is there this immense turmoil and this immense uncomfortability?

I don't want to, you know, I have to have the radio on. I have to have the TV on. I have to have the the radio on when I'm driving my car.

I just can't be alone with myself. Like that's another sign for me on how we're doing spiritually. Um there's a fifth one that Bill usually doesn't talk about, but we talk about it between us.

Any dog owners in the house tonight? Anyone own a dog? All right.

So, the dog owns you. All right. No.

If when you come home from work and you come through the door, does your dog growl at you? You know, that's a pretty good indication of where my spirituality is. Just ran away.

>> Well, we have a program of recovery that will work for you, too. He must not have been going to our dog that was stolen from Cersei. Um, now the 10-second exercise that distinguishes between those two voices within us.

For me, I've heard it I've heard people do it and I remember the first time that we did it to a group of people, there was like 100 and something people there and it was just amazing. You could feel a shift in the room that everybody just kind of got it. And I hope that happens again.

Um, okay. Now, this is real simple. Just a 10-second exercise.

Just for for now, just kind of get comfortable. Just get comfortable. And for the next 10 seconds, I'd like you to do one thing and one thing only.

For the next 10 seconds, just close your eyes and observe your thoughts. Thank you. Now, what's interesting about that exercise is that usually for those 10 seconds, no thoughts come across our mind.

Now, our ego doesn't want to draw attention to itself. What our ego wants is to run the show without us realizing that it's running the show. Like I said before, we have a grand central station mind.

All these things come flying through. For some people in meditation, when thoughts come by, they're told to just observe their thoughts like a cloud passing by and then the thought goes by and it's gone. It doesn't control us.

We don't have to buy into it. We don't have to agree with it. We don't have to um attach to it and say, "Yeah, that's a thought that I want to have as a driving thought." So, it's interesting in that, you know, our ego or that part that kind of just talks to us constant that constant chatter within us that it doesn't want to draw attention to itself.

It wants to act as if it's you don't notice, you know, don't notice me. I'm running the show, but don't notice. But there's another aspect of that exercise that for me is really mind-blowing.

What was observing your thoughts? something outside of your thoughts was looking at your thoughts. That that for me is those two parts within us.

There's this constant chatter and there's this ego aspect that's just this constant judge, this constant director, this constant what I would like to call the ego, but there's this other all knowing, all comfortable, allloving, all reassuring part of us that's there that's kind of observing, wanting us to turn to it, but that we don't that often turn to it. And that's that's for me what the the goal of meditation is, is to separate ourselves from our thoughts and to tap into that aspect within us that I think is that spark within us, our spiritual essence, that part within us that is of God. Um there are two consciences going on there, but we don't notice it most of the time because the ego is the louder first one to speak most often.

But then when it talks about that inspiration, when it talks about an intuitive thought, when it talks about that our our uh that uh we're on a much higher plane when our motives are clear of wrong thinking that that's separating from the ego and that's trying to tap into that wisdom, that incredible wisdom, that incredible knowing, that incredible reassurance part of us within us that is always there, but that most often we really don't notice it. We just hear that one because that's the one that's loudest. But there is this other part of us.

And that for me is the goal of the steps is to get you to have conscious contact with that part within you. Because for me, I don't see God as out there, over there, up there. I see God as within me.

My my solution is within me just like my problem is within me. I call the problem the ego. And I call the solution God or higher power or whatever you want to call it.

But it's always right here. It's always right now. It always wants us to turn to it.

It's always there. But for some reason, we just don't notice it all the time. We always, you know, some people call it your conscience because, you know, there is that part within us that every once in a while says, "Bill, I don't think this is a good idea, but you know, very often we'll just do it anyway." You know what I mean?

You can call it whatever you want, but we all have it. We've all experienced it. We all know exactly what I'm talking about when I describe this stuff about the two parts within us, the two dogs, the ego and the the part which I believe is of God.

So, uh, that's another thing that I wanted to throw out because, um, especially with the holidays and especially with family and old issues and all of that, uh, what seems really obvious is to do the work of the steps on these people, which inevitably reaches us to a point where we're free from most of it, if not all of it. But then when it comes up in the moment, if we can just be loving and honest and a little bit more pure with our motives and unselfish, all of a sudden it just changes the relationship and they don't have to do anything. All of a sudden, the whole relationship changed and they haven't done a thing.

Just our perspective toward the relationship has changed. And our way of treating these people and our way of looking at these people just all of a sudden changes and all of a sudden everything changes and they haven't done a thing. Uh there's uh Anthony Dilllo says that you know it's a whole lot easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world awful.

But how do we get to that place? How do we get to that place when we have conscious contact where we're just able to tap in so to speak? There's a lot of work that has to be done.

For me, the first step that I can say that I really consciously touch that truth that's deep down within us. And I'll talk a little bit more about that before we close. You see, I I think truth, the great reality, my true inner nature, God, I think all these terms just mean the same thing.

I think these terms or words, you know, somebody said it once, when it comes to trying to describe God or spirituality, silence just makes so much more sense. And I believe that to be true today because sometimes I can get trapped in the dogma of what God means. You know, you may call God Jesus, you may call God Buddha, you may call God higher power.

And if I get trapped into the word, if I get trapped in the pointer, that which directs me to the power, if I get trapped in that, I'm I'm going to be trapped. I really have a way with words sometimes, as you guys can tell. So, I try to see what the word is pointing to today.

So if you hear me say God, higher power, consciousness, intuition, great reality, my true inner nature, that which that which what I was before I was even here, any crazy kooky stuff like that. To me, it just all means truth. It's all pointing to truth.

I was writing an inventory about I guess it was about a year ago and that's when I discovered the place in the steps that I really hit truth for the first time for you. It may have been your first step. You may have had such a deep and profound surrender experience in your first step that you just knew truth then.

I mean a lot of people have their spiritual experience so to speak right in their first step. Truth began to speak to me or rather I began to hear truth. I began to hear that still small quiet voice of God within in my first inventory though I didn't know it.

And upon subsequent inventories, I I finally began to realize what was going on. And it it struck me about a year ago that in the big book, Bill makes this statement about being catapulted and rocketed into this fourth dimension of existence. He talks about it on page 8 and he talks about he talks about it again on page 25 about this fourth dimension of existence.

And I didn't know what that was, you know. I just thought Bill was oh here he goes being creative and lofty again, you know, fourth dimension of existence. Woo!

Spooky, you know. And it struck me when I was writing inventory one day. Anybody in this room?

Well, I hate to embarrass anyone. Um, but I will. Uh, how many people in the room have written four column inventory as described in the big book?

You know, the four columns I'm resentful at, what they did to me, uh, affects my makes me feel like this, and where am I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened in in the fourth column. That's what I mean by four column inventory. So, I was doing that one day and I realized that that directly reflects the four dimensions, at least to me, that Bill Wilson was talking about when when he talked about being rocketed into and catapulted into the fourth dimension of existence.

And I began to ponder in meditation, what are these four dimensions that he's talking about? And I don't know if this is true or not. I I'm not going to be as bold to say that I could speak for Bill Wilson.

Maybe two years ago I would have, but you know, um I don't know if this is true or not, but it helps me. And I really because our big book is just shot through with it. I really believe that the four dimensions of life are physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

Again, here they go again with once the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. If you look at the first column of inventory, I'm resentful at the person, institution or principle. Usually that resentment I have is towards some physical being.

So that's body. That's the physical dimension. The resentment that I perpetuate is towards what I thought that person did to me.

What I thought I heard the Uh-huh. See, we're striking truth already. I hit it the I hit it a couple months ago.

Maybe I'll tell you about that. What I think the other person did to me. That's my second column on page 65.

They call it the cause of my resentment. Uh, I'm resentful at Bill because he spoke for 12 minutes instead of 10. You know, something uh real petty like that >> again.

>> Again, I should be used to it by now. What I think he did to me, second column, the dimension, the mental dimension, the second dimension. So we have physical and then mental.

The third column is how does that resentment how does when Bill did that to me? How does that affect me? Does it affect my self-esteem, my pocketbook, my ambitions, my pride?

On and on and on. Uh I love to call the third column of resentment inventory the victim column. You know, sometimes I love to walk around the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous with a big V on my forehead.

And for and fortunate enough for me, I have people in my life that will point out that I have that V on my forehead and they won't let me uh continue to be one of the still sick and suffering because when I'm sick and suffering usually means that I'm still and I don't want to be a still sick and suffering. But I call that third column my victim column. And but what it really is is my emotions.

It's my emotional state. When I think so and so did such and such to me, it caused or I think it caused certain feelings and emotions to arise with from within me. I find that out later that that's a lie because of the spiritual axiom in the 10th step that Bill talked about before, but they give us a little time to catch up.

Big book's very generous with that. So to kind of end this long explanation, the fourth column, I finally get to see my part. I finally get to see the truth.

I finally get to see where I start the ball rolling in each and every resentment, fear, misconduct, harm that I've ever had in my life and will continue to have. And I really believe that the fourth column is about truth. And I really believe that for the first time in my life, I get to enter the spiritual dimension of existence.

That fourth column is all about God, folks. It's where I find I mean, anyone in this room start writing inventory and you get to that fourth column and it just comes from left field and boom, it's on the paper and you didn't even have to think about it. It's just there and you know that's the truth and you don't even want to look at it and you know it's true.

I don't want to know that I screwed this person over. I don't want to know that I'm selfish to this person. I don't want to know that I lied to this person.

But yet there it is right on that paper and I can't dispute it. That's truth. Truth comes from within me.

And the big book says that that's the only place that God can be found. Where did talks about in the second step that we have to find a power greater than ourselves that'll solve our problem. Where and how are we to find this problem?

And 10 pages later, they tell us exactly where this power is located. For deep down within every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God. I don't have to go out here looking for it.

I don't have to go to this church, this monastery, this spiritual guru in India. I don't have to go to the Himalayas. It's right here.

Now, funny how we're back to that word again, huh? Deep down within every man, woman and child in this room right now, this very moment is the fundamental idea of God. God is deep down within us.

That is the truth. That is the small, still quiet voice. That is the good dog.

That's our conscience. That's our intuition. That's that part of us that wants to be sober, happy, joyous, free, loving, kind, tolerant, patient.

Yeah. Even to the mother-in-law. That's that part of us that was always there, even when we were drinking and drugging like mad dogs.

That's that part of us that will always continue to be there. for the rest of our lives. So, my concept of a higher power was not one that I would want to turn to for help to be honest with you.

Um, and then I was given an immense amount of respect when I came to AA and they told me, "Bill, you can believe whatever you want." But I think there's a little bit of an asterisk next to step two. And uh, what step two says is that you can believe whatever you want as long as it's not you. Uh and for me that was really important because I was the ruler and controller of my life.

And for me you know Mike said about the surreners is you know in the first step I needed to surrender to alcohol but in the third step and I think again in the seventh step I need to surrender my will to a higher power because my life run on my will was a nightmare even during the three and a half years period of time that I wasn't drinking. So for me uh the 12 steps are really one step with 12 parts and that's from go living that goes out of here to living that goes out of our heart which is where I believe my higher power resides and in experiencing that transition and in experiencing the beauty and freedom of if she stays I can be comfortable and if she goes I can be comfortable and if I have the job I can be comfortable if I don't have the job I can be comfortable and if I have the car, I can be comfortable. If I don't have the car, I can be comfortable.

That life has just completely changed without anything happening out there. Um it it's captured so beautifully in our expression that it's an inner job. You know what I mean?

Um Chuck Chamberlain used to talk about, you know, putting on just cleaning our glasses that we need to put on a spiritual set of glasses now. that I always looked at life from me being the center of the universe and now I need to believe that love or God or others centeredness that needs to be the center of my universe. And in changing from the compass of it's all about me to the compass of I want to do what God wants me to do and I want to be loving and I want to be honest and and all of that that all of a sudden that compass worked and I wasn't crashing into people all the time and I wasn't stepping on everybody's toes and I I was very comfortable within myself and I was right with almost everybody around me and and I just came here to not drink.

Um there was a guru that lived on a hill. There's a story. There was a guru that lived on a hill and below him there was a farmer.

Now, this farmer never liked the guru because he kind of felt that the guru didn't work and that he was a slacker. And he was a farmer and he was the real deal cuz he worked hard and he was a man men's man. And uh um one day he had a lot of cattle.

He had a lot of cows. And one day one of the cows broke through the fence and all the whole entire herd of cows left. And this farmer was devastated because his cattle was the biggest part of his crop or the biggest part of his income and now that was just all gone.

So I went up to see the guru guy and he said, "Something terrible has happened. All my cows have left. This is devastating.

The cows were the biggest part of my income and now they're all gone. Isn't this a terrible thing?" And the guru looked at him and said, "Good or bad? I really don't know." And the farmer went back down to his farm cursing under his breath because he never liked the guru anyway.

He didn't know why he went there. And a couple days later, because there was a hole in the fence, this big huge uh herd of wild horses came onto his land. And he real quickly closed up the fence and now he had these horses and horses are so much better than cows.

And he was totally psyched. And he was totally happy. And he went up to see the guru guy.

And he said, "Something wonderful has happened. CH horses have ran, wild horses have ran onto my property. Horses are so much better than cows.

This is a really wonderful thing. Isn't this wonderful?" And the guru guy looked at him and said, "You know, good or bad, I really don't know." And again, he shook his head and he went back down to his farm. And a couple days later, his son was trying to to break one of the horses and the horse threw him off his back and he landed on his leg wrong and he broke his leg.

And the father was devastated because his son was in a lot of pain with a broken leg. And he went back up to see the guru guy and he said, "Something terrible has happened. My son has been thrown from one of the wild horses and he's broken his leg.

This is terrible. Isn't this a terrible thing?" And the guru guy looked at him and said, "Good or bad? I really don't know." And then a couple weeks later, war broke out in the country.

and soldiers came around recruiting soldiers to uh young people to join the the soldier ranks. And because his son had a broken leg, the soldiers didn't take him. So now the farmer was totally excited and totally happy his son didn't get taken to war.

And he goes back up to see the guru guy and he says to him, "Something wonderful has happened. The soldiers didn't take my son. Isn't this wonderful?" And the guru guy looked at him and said, "Good or bad?

I really don't know." That describes my life. There have been things in my life that were incredibly wonderful that almost killed me. that I would view and that anybody here if I was to tell you would say this was a good thing and they almost took me out.

And there were things in my life that were incredibly hideous and they were incredibly terrible. And if you were to view them and if you were to judge them and if I was to tell you what happened, you would say, "Wow, that was really bad." And you know what? Most of the time, if not all the time, those things was where I transformed myself with a higher power and with these steps and with this program to become the person that I'm trying to become that I think was exactly what God wanted me to be in the first place.

I have tried to move away and I'd like to pass along trying to move away from good or bad because I do not have the perspective to be able to judge that my addiction and my alcoholism was a ruthless thing. I did things to people that I wish I wouldn't have hap that wish wouldn't happen. But if those things wouldn't have happened, it wouldn't have gotten to the point where I would have come into AA and it wouldn't have gotten to the point where I would have considered a spiritual way out.

So I am incredibly grateful for those things in my life today. Marriages have ended. Um I went through an incredible amount of pain.

It brought me closer to myself and things that I didn't like about myself and brought me closer to my higher power. I am truly grateful for those bad moments in my life today. I do not view them as bad things in my life anymore.

For me, this is the concept of God. For me, this is the concept of my spirituality. You know, I I've talked with people that married couples that were having two different experiences in their relationship.

One of the couple was viewing their relationship as these are opportunities for growth. The differences that we have and the problems that we're having are opportunities for growth. And the other person in the marriage was saying, "No, this is incompatibility.

I want out. That was as the result of where each one of them were coming from spiritually. Exact situation, two extreme points of view as the result of where the person was coming from spiritually.

Incredibly powerful examples and incredibly powerful uh story with the guru and the forerunner because I believe that God oversees everything and that he always has my best interest in mind even when I don't think at any one moment. I wish marriages hadn't ended. I wish I hadn't gone through the pain.

I I love these women and I wouldn't have wanted it to end. But I have become a better person for going through what I went through. Didn't do anything that I regretted after the marriage broke up and and had to make amends for that.

Um I would have never had the opportunity to go through and grown from if that didn't happen to me. Um I'm going to close my aspect of this with a quote which for me describes my concept of God. This is from a course of miracles.

It says the following. What could you not accept if you but knew that everything that happens, all events past, present, and to come are gently planned by one whose only purpose is your good or perhaps spiritual growth? What could you not accept if you but knew that everything that happens, all events past, present, and to come are gently planned by one whose only purpose is your good.

Bill had mentioned uh a pretty popular AA speaker um in early AA and I guess he passed away somewhere in the 80s by the name of uh Chuck C. Chuck Chamberlain. And uh one of the things that Chuck always said was what you are looking for you are looking with.

what we are looking for, we are looking with. I'll talk more about that in a in a minute. And I actually have an exercise that that I want to close with.

But first, I want to read this quote about meditation. It's from a book called uh meditation and ecstasy. And by the way, I'm getting closer and closer to the point where uh prayer meditation is no longer a practice for me, but yet it rather it's becoming a way of life.

Prayer meditation, spirituality, our 10th and the 11th step has become a way of life for me today. They're not just spiritual exercises. They're not just principles that I can practice.

Some of the time the quote is meditation simply means becoming empty of all the contents of the mind. Memory, imagination, thoughts, desires, expectations, projections, moods. One has to go on emptying oneself of all the content.

The greatest day in life is when you cannot find anything to to throw out. When there is only pure emptiness. In that emptiness, you you find your pure consciousness.

Remember, I said a lot of these words to me mean the same thing. Pure consciousness, truth, God, higher power, however you want to look at it. I have an exercise that I want to close with.

about two years ago, uh, my spiritual adviser at the time brought me through it and it totally revolutionized my life and and the way I I look and and feel and think about things. And it may seem a little weird in the beginning and if it doesn't feel comfortable to you, then just don't do it. You you can just disregard it.

What this man asked me to do was find out what I really am. When Bill said, "When we're trying to play God, I believe that's my ego." you know, when when when I want that concept of a higher power to be me. You know, the old-timers told us, you can you can choose anything you want for God.

Just make sure it's not yourself. Well, that part of me that wants to be God, that's my ego. What I'm going to talk about is the opposite.

Is something different. The exercise is If we chop off your arms, are you still you? If you lose your legs, are you still you?

If we take out all your organs inside your body and transplant them with new ones, are you still you? If, god forbid, you go into a coma tonight and you don't have any um rationalization of your mental faculties, are you still you? If we strip away any emotions, feelings from the years past and the years to come, are you still you?

Have you ever had the experience where you're in deep inner turmoil? You're crushed. You're so sad.

You're mourning, whether it be the the the death of someone or the death of a relationship like Bill talked about. And you're experiencing so much pain in your life. But yet there's this place deep down within and you know you're going to be okay.

Nod your head if you identify if you ever had that experience. So >> yeah. So if you have this deep sadness and pain and struggle and strife and we remove all that.

Are you still you? What's left? That emptiness that that quote talked about.

But somehow within that emptiness, we become more full and our lives become fuller and our spirits become fuller than ever before. You see, the process of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous I is a process of subtraction, not addition. My whole life I thought more was better.

And now I'm comfortable with less is where it's at. Face and be rid of these obstacles in our path that blocked us off from that one who has all power. So maybe in your meditation, maybe tomorrow morning if you choose to do so and again you can just disregard this but sit down and and find that quiet that quiet place that we all have within us deep down within and ask yourself what was I before today?

What was I before last year? What was I 20 years ago? I'm not talking about the mask that our egos like to put on.

I'm not talking about I'm a husband. I'm I'm I'm a a computer system administrator. I'm not even talking about I'm an AA member.

What were you when you were a child? What were you when you were in the womb? and take it back as your spirit as far back as your spirit allows you to.

What were you before that? What were you before that? What were you before that?

See, I believe that I am not the who that my ego likes to tell me I am, but I am the what that I had been searching for my whole life. I am not God. But I know today that I am everything that is of God.

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Am I willing?

God bless you and happy holidays. Thank you all. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.