Sober Sunrise – Billy S. – Paramount, CA – 2003
AA speaker Billy S. shares 28 years of sobriety, from homelessness on Freemont Street to sponsorship, step work, and staying active in the fellowship through service and helping others.
Billy S. from Paramount, California got sober in 1975 after attempting suicide—a point where he couldn’t live with or without alcohol. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through two decades of the fellowship, the sponsor who changed everything, and what it means to stay “in the middle of the herd” through sponsorship, step work, and carrying the message to those still suffering.
Billy S. describes his alcoholism starting at age 16, progressing from the Navy through years of homelessness in Las Vegas before hitting bottom and attempting suicide—the point where he entered AA and found a sponsor. He details how step work, particularly steps 3, 4, and 5, rebuilt his relationship with God and himself, moving from shame and self-hatred to usefulness and purpose. His main message centers on staying active in AA through service, sponsorship, and helping others as the foundation of long-term sobriety and spiritual awakening.
Episode Summary
Billy S. pulls no punches in this raw 28-year sobriety story. He came to AA in 1975 after attempting suicide—the moment he couldn’t continue the way he was living and couldn’t imagine staying sober either. What makes this AA speaker meeting remarkable is how honestly he walks through the mechanics of his disease and the spiritual solution that worked.
Billy grew up in North Carolina as the “different one” among three successful brothers. At 16, he discovered alcohol solved a problem: it made his skin fit. For the first time, he felt okay. The trap was set. He joined the Navy, got arrested 11 times, missed the ship in Japan, and eventually wound up on Freemont Street in Las Vegas with everything he owned in a shoeshine box, living at a six-and-Carson Hotel.
The alcoholic mind’s cruelest feature haunts him still: the inability to see the picture of what’s happening to you. He watches himself at 19, lecturing older drunks about their tremors and desperation—then, less than ten years later, he’s that guy, shaking and desperate, unable to see his own condition. He drank for seven years sober (on pills), then picked up a drink at a golf tournament. In less than two weeks, he was a falling-down drunk. In fourteen months, he tried to kill himself.
When Billy came to AA, he was so angry he nearly fought a man named Big Jim in the meeting. Big Jim got him coffee instead. Within days, he found a sponsor in Ted D., who told him to get on a 12-step list and start picking up newcomers. Billy resisted—he wasn’t a “real” alcoholic like the book described. But picking up enough people in the program finally convinced him: whatever they had, he had.
His fourth and fifth steps with his sponsor became a turning point. Walking out of that meeting, Billy cried in the park and thought, “Maybe a guy as stupid as me can do this deal.” His sponsor addressed his crippling low self-esteem by giving him simple assignments: put your shopping cart back. Wash your hands. Be the Good Samaritan. These small acts of considering others began to rebuild him from the inside.
Billy spends time on the spiritual dimension, particularly steps 2 and 3. He was raised religious and terrified of hell—convinced that no matter how good his AA was, he’d burn anyway. Through sponsor work, he came to know a loving God, one he can see evidence of in his life by looking back. The lamp lighter story—seeing where God has been by the light left behind—captures his spiritual journey.
Throughout the talk, Billy emphasizes staying “in the middle of the herd.” He sponsors heavily, does jail and prison work, leads Big Book studies, and makes himself available. He’s watched predators on the animal channel—they don’t attack the middle of the herd; they pick off the edges. Staying connected to AA through service, meetings, and helping others is how you survive. The elephant story—a young elephant learning to walk with help from the herd—is his metaphor for sponsorship and the fellowship.
His daughter’s struggle with addiction weighs heavily. He can’t force sobriety on her, but he stays available, does his part, and trusts God’s plan. His brothers eventually recognized his recovery; at 25 years, one wrote that Billy was “the greatest brother anyone could ever have.”
Billy’s message is clear: step work rebuilds your relationship with God and yourself. Service keeps you connected. Sponsorship saves your life—both giving and receiving it. And staying in the middle of the fellowship, doing the deal, making yourself useful—that’s how you make it.
Notable Quotes
For the first time in my life my skin fit. I was okay.
Once I pick up a drink I cannot control how much I drink. I don’t have the slightest idea what’s going to happen when I pick up a drink—I know exactly what’s going to happen: I’m going to have another drink.
The alcoholic mind has the ability not to give you the picture. I can see what’s happening to you. I have no idea what’s happening to me.
I don’t believe God’s watching me—I know my God is watching me. So I try to be in my God’s image.
When things start happening in your life, make sure enough people got your number so God can get a hold of you.
The disease of alcoholism: here’s a beautiful home you could be living in, but drugs and alcohol are more important, and you’re sleeping in the back of a pickup.
It ain’t that we do it good. I don’t do it good. What I try to do is I try to do a lot of it. I stay in the middle of Alcoholic Anonymous.
Step 3 – Surrender
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Step 5 – Admission
Hitting Bottom
Spiritual Awakening
Service Work
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Sponsorship
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 5 – Admission
- Hitting Bottom
- Spiritual Awakening
- Service Work
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker I am Bill Smith I am an alcoholic I’m uh sober through the grace of God and the fellowship his program and uh Rick and I of all people we know there’s a God CU we just drove down from Las Vegas with Bob darl Welly he talks a lot better than he drives I can tell you that I will tell you another story about him and I years ago but I won’t get into that uh what I want to do is I really want to welcome the new people and uh maybe you’re here for two or three years and you still got this big hole in your gut uh like I had I’d like to welcome you to and just stay stay here keep doing this deal and and uh you’ll transfer the head to the heart sometime that that’s a long trip for some of us for me it was a long long trip a lot of years to get it to come from here to here because I never understood alcoholism and uh you know in a room this size if I can make a difference in uh two or three people’s lives of one person’s life it would be worth a trip cuz I hope someday one of you guys will make a difference in my daughter so I can help your kids I just can’t help mine you know and so my sponsor said go help other people’s kids and somebody else send somebody to help your kid and uh that’s what we do here you know and so when I look at people in detox and stuff I don’t look at it like just people there’s somebody’s son there Somebody’s Daughter somebody’s brother and that’s what we are here you know we’re not just faces we’re we’re people who live every day with the most deadliest disease on the face of the Earth and I didn’t understand that and everybody don’t have what I have you know and uh my stories are a little bit different than some people’s uh you know I was raised right I really was I just turn left you know I got three brothers that you know that just excelled school and everything and my mom she she used to think it funny I didn’t she’d go I got three sons and him you know and you know and uh I always felt out of place and uh you know I but you know the big book talks about a guy who does pretty good if he don’t drink and I I do I do pretty good if I don’t drink you know I go to work I I mean things are pretty good for me really are you know I I come out of the shoot a little bit irritable and restless and discontent I’ve always been like that you know you know and I’ve been wound tight most of my life and after 28 years in aa I’m still wound sort of tight but I don’t know I was like 15 or 16 something like that I must have been 16 cuz I was driving this little car and I was at this Bootlegger’s house I’m from North Carolina and um this guy had a daughter there and uh she had what I wanted and uh I was willing to go to any links to get it except talk to her and I standing over her staring like a do you know and U wonder if she’d like to get lucky and uh I don’t know uh somebody hand me a glass of that uh White Whiskey and uh you know I heard a guy from the podium say on his first drink that he could feel the back of his hair stand up and his fingers nail grow and all that stuff and I’m thinking you ought to drank White Whiskey it don’t do that but what happened was in a period of time uh 20 minutes or whatever it was for the first time in my life my skin fit I was okay and now whatever was in that glass was great because about 20 minutes later she was in my car so whatever was in there I needed and uh but I didn’t know that I had alcoholism and uh I didn’t know that was part of it silkworth talks about that we drank for causing effect and I was just in North Carolina and we did the silkworth thing with another friend and he said that’s what makes the difference and that that is part of it but there’s more to alcoholism than that there’s a lot more to it now what silkworth is talking about is an allergy to the body and that’s part of alcoholism and I didn’t know that you once I pick up a drink see once I pick up a drink I heard a guy say I don’t know what’s going to happen I know exactly what’s going to happen when I pick up a drink I’m going to have another drink you know and I get to where I’m dancing I’m having a really good time you know what I mean I am cooking I’m out there just Boogaloo and and mashed potato do it all you know I never took a dance mess in my life but I can dance when I’m drunk boy I mean I can get it on you know and then I do something that other people don’t do right they just keep dancing have a drink no I’m having fun I’ll have another one you know and the same guy and what I do is I drink right on past that and later on I’m passed out because I can’t stop it you know I get her picked out and you know I got to White pick a fence all built and two little kids running around I don’t know her name yet but I got it all planned up here in my head you know and uh and I drank light past it and I didn’t understand that and I had that from the start I just once I pick up a drink I cannot control how much I drink and silk wor says that we there’s all different types of manic depressive there’s a guy that does really good you know when he doesn’t drink but we all have one thing in common and this puts us in a different entity he says and that’s once he picks it up this phenomenal crav develops and he cannot control how much he drinks and I never tried to quit drinking I just joined the Navy to see the world and became a drunk just the way it is you can do a lot I’m not going to give you a long thing I’m going to tell you some of the things but when I was in the Navy I was in Long Beach California I I still remember this and I it’s always I don’t know why this is so important to me but every time I talk I think of this because I was like 19 years old and they you have to be 21 to drink in California but they never asked me how old I was you know I don’t know if I look like I needed a drink or just uh you know I didn’t go in to bother anybody anyway I went in to drink I bothered people after I got drunk but when at first I just go in to drink I drink you know there was a lady that worked with me in Las Vegas and she said you know him and I drank in the same bar he never said hello to me I always intended to say hello to her cuz she was really a good-looking girl but when I’d get ready to say hello I was so drunk that I couldn’t get from my stool to hers you know so I never got it on but we drank it in same place me and fr and I you know and I was in Long Beach and uh I there used to be an old thing down there called The Pike I don’t even know if it’s there anymore or not but uh you know that’s where I hung out up at that catoga bar and really nice place and um I got too drunk to go back to the ship so I passed out in that park across the street and uh I woke up and it’s not like Los Vegas uh the bars wouldn’t open and I was standing I’m 19 years old and I’m standing outside inside that bar with all them old guys waiting for that bar open you know what I mean 35 and 40 years old when you 19 40s old 40 is a kid now but not then and and they out there shaking like this and we go inside and uh I still remember it sort of like this and I’m telling you the best I can remember I would never try to life from up here or I try to impress you cuz I don’t want to do that cuz we die of this thing every day and I know that but I remember these guys in there and I remember I I just told that guy I had folding money these guys had most of them had Chang in a little bit of money not much and I you know I said hit this shot glass two or three time with a short beer bag to get my heart started you know then I’m watching these guys and he would pour theirs in an old fashioned glass or a regular tall glass so they wouldn’t spill it so they could get it up and I’m standing there giving them a lecture look what you’re doing to yourself for Christ sake you know hell can’t you see what this crap has done to you what are you nuts I mean God look at you guy you know and the guy’s going to like leave me alone you know and uh he’s trying to get the dang thing down get three or four so he could go like that right you know and then less than 10 years before I was even 30 I would be the guy in Las Vegas going like that trying to get it down you know and isn’t it amazing that the alcoholic mind has the ability not to give you the picture you see I can see what’s happening to you I have no idea what’s happening to me not the slightest I didn’t have the slightest idea that I was in for another 21 years of just absolutely insane trying to away trying to change my life and not being able to the alcoholic mind has the ability if you see if you come in take a picture I’m sitting right in the middle of it and I tell you something I’ve watched my daughter I know that she can’t see the picture and I don’t even try to explain it to her cuz nobody could explain it to me I just had to run its course and uh I was arrested 11 times while I was in service uh a lot of things you can do the Navy but you can’t miss the boat I was in ocun Japan they had the two things I like they had D the houses with the whiskey and the girls in them and uh you don’t have to talk just put your money up drink and do your thing and uh and I did too much of both I guess and anyway I woke up and the ship was gone and uh they put me on a Air Force Crash Boat to catch the ship and I remember coming up and they said the old man wants to see you and uh I made a plan to stay in service cuz I knew guys like me would have a little trouble outside that’s all I’m thinking I’m going to have trouble if I get out and so I was going to make a career of the Navy and uh they took all my stripes so I told them what they could do with the Navy the day I got out of the Navy they give me a bunch of mustard out money so I called my mom and dad said I’m coming home to Florida but you can’t put money in my pocket and expect me to arrive someplace when I tell you I’m going to be there you know and I did arrive in Florida 46 days later through a place called Chester Illinois and don’t ask me why I went there and uh you know and that’s my life I just uh pick up a drink and I’m and I’m long gone and I didn’t never tried to quit I uh got burned out in Florida I got a good job at General electorate and uh if you miss 5 days with them they fire you I missed 28 they wouldn’t fire me so I just quit 9 to5 didn’t thrill to me I would just like nothing every time I’d get something it seemed like that was it and after I got it that ain’t it then I get something else and she’s it and get her that ain’t it you know and I get a job and that ain’t it and I want to work on a commercial fishing boat I thought dang this is it you know they’re all drunks and I said man I can handle this and they were that’s what they were they were drunks they wasn’t alcoholics uh they fired me they kept all the drunks and fired me you know I come to work want to tell them how to run the Fish Company I don’t guess they appreciate it you know and went in one time I told my mom I said I’m my mother loved me I was her first born she loved me more than anything in the world and I told my mom I said I’m going to Las Vegas and she says we’ll help you pack I’m about 27 or 28 and she said we don’t know what to do for you and I’m thinking a couple hundred would help you know and uh showed up in Las Vegas and I wound up uh very short time I getting a job at a dollar an hour let me tell you about my brothers I just got back from North Carolina last uh Saturday my brother has a home on Carolina Beach on K Beach a three-story on the beach you s on the porch and there’s the water he just retired from Shipping chemicals I don’t know how much money they gave him but was a ton my other brother owns his own company uh it’s a small company now but at one time it wasn’t and my other brother put the U airports in for the government at the age of 17 I’m standing in front of my first judge but because I’m an alcoholic and they’re not and I W up on Freemont Street and uh had everything in my Carnation box walking down Freemont Street uh I lived at a six and Carson Hotel if you ever go there go look at it I drive by it all the time remind myself where I used to live and when I say I was homeless I’m not homeless all the time I would get a cheap motel for a while or I would sleep on somebody’s couch for a while but I spent a bigger part of two years uh got a job at a sheld that’s a guy that starts again came making $1 an hour and thought I made a score and guys when I went to work for him they always like me when when you first met me you like me I don’t know what that was after you knew me for a week or two you wasn’t sure and after two weeks or more you just couldn’t stand me because I would use and abuse you and I don’t mean to do that and everybody took it personal it’s not personal you know I used to tell my mom you know it’s not personal you know and uh you know all the other boys would pay the rent they would they sh my mother they paid my mom $15 that’s room food and everything and I’d be baring it every week I bored it and every and she was so easy it was always like honey you know you need to straighten out and all the time she’s reaching for a purse you know and you know and I and and uh you know I like to tell you I felt bad doing that but I didn’t I needed it I had to have it it ain’t like I’m feeling bad I mean it’s nothing personal you know God everybody takes it personal you know and like you owe me money oh sure I owe every body you know and I just I wound up on the street and I met this lady and uh uh she was my Eskimo and she still is it’s my ex-wife uh Bob and all these guys know that I I’ve been divorced almost 20 years I’m ow the yard there’s nothing that she wants that I don’t do nothing she’s allowed anything she wants cuz she was the one that uh for the first time my life this is the second phase of alcoholism I made up my mind U wound up little Church of the West I don’t know how it happened but I wound up married uh she had four things I needed um she had an apartment and a car and a couple more things and U beautiful cocktail waitress and uh I fell in love with her after I married her not when I married her I just I just wound up married and uh that happens in Vegas you know I woke up and there she is and uh I started straighten out uh and uh I first time in my life I tried to start getting my life together and I went into a hospital down in Sant Barber uh s her hotel put me now I don’t remember how many days I was in the hospital but the doctor sitting on side of my bed telling me if I drank anymore I was going to die my liver is swollen up and everything is starting to quit on me I’m the kind of guy once I start drinking I don’t eat and uh just everything started quitting and so I came back from Las Vegas and uh I did exactly what I said I do I’m on my way back I said okay enough’s enough and I always thought I was unique until I you know I’ve been reading a book lately I don’t know and I’ve studied the book more than I did the first 10 years I was in AA and there’s a lot of good stories in there about Jim the car salesman uh the guy with 25 years he did really good in business he was he even said he was happy but he didn’t drank nothing for 25 years and I didn’t drink for seven years um I’m a little bit round I I think I’m more like Jim Jim said he was a little bit irritable because he was working for a company he used to own that would sort of piss me off um you know but the day he picked up that drink guy I got to remember that he had a sandwich and a glass of milk and he’s not even thinking about drinking he’s just having a sandwich glass of milk he’s in the sell of car and he because he knows he can sell a car there he’s not thinking about drinking or nothing and this is the thing about alcoholism I could never understand until and then all of a sudden with the second sandwich and the glass of milk just putting a shot on a full stomach well that makes sense right but he doesn’t realize and I don’t realize that I have an allergy and once I pick up the drink I must have another drink and less than no time he’s back in the Asylum again but the other guy he hadn’t had a drink for 25 years and it’s not like when he left off when he left off he had the little shakes in the morning when he started drinking this time and less than two months he’s back in the hospital in less than four years he was dead and I got to remember that morning that I went out cuz that morning I went out I was over seven years some people say eight some say six so I say seven I’m not sure but I was sober quite a while uh on my own I didn’t I did some uh heavy chemicals well the book talks about heavy sties I did a few um some spond I looked them up it was to stop extreme alcoholics from shaking and uh I worked good I had a seven-year-old daughter the morning I took a drink I had a little truck and a little boat uh I had I was in the bedroom uh they liked me at the Sahara not that good but they sort of tolerated me at the Sahara not really like me that’s not the right word just sort of tolerate me and uh went out to play golf one morning I was playing in a tournament I was in third place at the time it was like $4,000 in the 60s that’s a lot of money 70s that’s a lot of money especially for a working guy and uh I was playing with the the manle boys Mick’s two brothers and another guy and uh one of them offered me a drink and two minutes before I picked up that drink I didn’t know I was going to pick it up cuz I hear people say that I’m all day I wasn’t well tight or nothing I’m playing golf I’m having a good time and 2 minutes before I picked up that drink I I didn’t know I was going to pick it up the book says that people like we will have no mental defense against the first drink and if we really honest we don’t have the slightest idea and I don’t have the slightest idea while I picked up I know one thing my mind didn’t say hold it up Luke hold it just a second here let’s run over your past you know what I mean doctor says if you drink anymore you’re going to die he on Fremont Street walking up down alcohol’s done everything to you it’s destroyed you’re not allowed on your brother’s property uh nobody wants anything to do with you my mind didn’t say that I think it said maybe you’re putt better I don’t know what it said if I’m honest with you I don’t have any idea what it said all I know I said give me one you know and less than two weeks I’m a falling down drunk and 14 months later I try to do something that I never ever thought I’d do I tried to commit suicide and I am not that type dude let me tell you I’ll shoot you you know but I am not that type and I tell you something I was exactly what Bob talked about I was at the jumping off place I couldn’t live without it because I know it’s not doing for me when I was at that Bootlegger’s house and I can’t do quit quit now and I know I can’t and I tell you something the book doesn’t use the word so suicide it says you will wish for the end soor says we will make the extreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight and I heard a guy say it and describes me good and the only reason I use things people say only if I identify with it and my good friend Don P said had had a mind that won’t work and a body that won’t die May me tell you something boy that’s a hell of a place to be in and I had no idea in less than 10 days I would be an alcoholic anonomous so if you’re new here I’m going to blow a theory out that said in these rooms a lot I heard a guy say if you’re not in these rooms for yourself you can’t stay here that’s bull I don’t care if you fell through the roof I don’t care how you got here in the alcoholic synonymous if you’re lucky enough and you’re alcoholic to be sitting in the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous you’re most lucky luckiest human being in the world absolutely I’d get anything if that little girl of mine with this show up she has showed up you know but she drinks in detox I just love her people say I said she drinking detox I said I don’t know about you dude that’s what alcoholics do put them anywhere they’ll drink you know and uh and then and 10 days later uh two weeks later I would they had the 1975 Roundup of alcoholic synonymous and I still remember a lot of the speakers uh Tom O Sullivan who passed away and Hillary’s passed away and Johnny Harris and I love and I’d like to tell you that I heard everything everybody said that weekend and I’d be lying to you but I’ll tell you something I don’t know what happened but this is what happened I didn’t go to a meeting on Monday and on Tuesday I looked at my wife and I said I’m going to an alcoholic salamis meeting and I’ve been coming ever since I showed up this is how I showed up I like to tell you how I showed up cuz I love the people that say they do it good see I had this little girl and I’m trying to get her off my back I think if I go to P for a while be pretty cool so I showed up at the old Lana Club down in across jer’s nuggets where it was my name is Bill and that’s okay when you first get there but I started going to two or three meetings a day and doing the same thing my name is Bill and after about two weeks they started staring like today he’s going to say it now I know what they want right screw you right I’m sit in the back of room come on back we’ll talk about it I don’t have the slightest problem with it dude you know and uh I raised my hand right before my month was up and said my name is bu and I’m an alcoholic I could have said also I’m a brain surgeon I’m also an astronaut I could that’s what you want to hear I’m a street guy so you ask what you want to hear I’ll tell you I didn’t bit more me nothing you know why cuz I didn’t have any idea what I was talking about probably the first time in my life I’ve ever been honest I’m Bill right how about Bill all screwed up oh yeah how about Bill hated by everybody neighbors and everything well how about Bill can’t get on his brother’s prop oh yeah I’m that how about Bill alcoholic no no not alcoholic why not that’s the only time I feel good when I’m drunk I don’t feel good now here people come here say I got so you know they they wouldn’t saying that but this is what I heard come in alcoh Nas I got quit drinking and I feel wonderful you know I come in here and about three days I went from suicide to homicide I didn’t want to hurt me I want to kill every son of a gun I’ve seen and you know I don’t remember the guy but big Jim was his name and he was I mean he was sitting behind the desk and he said something then I said something then he said something I said listen dude get out of the chair come on outs son I’ll change the way you live you know and he started getting up and they called him Big Jim for a reason cuz he got up forever you know and I thought Jesus I thought I ain’t no better at this sober and I am drunk you know and you know what happened was Jim had great sobriety thank God for people like him he got up started screaming at them guys get this idiot a cup of coffee he’s trying to get somebody to run him out of here and ain’t G to be me he needs to be here I’m thinking why do I need to be here I don’t even like it here I don’t even like you you know and I this so if you knew what happened was I know now through God’s grace when I came out of that hospital I tried to quit drinking now I can look back and see where I was really trying to quit drinking if you’re new here the only requirement to be here is a desire to stop drinking that’s it that’s the only requirement to be here start finding somebody and doing like I did you know I just got with the right people and they would like drag me along catfish John was a first one he bring me over to his house and I had me fixing the fence and doing this and doing that and C cleaning the boat and and then Dawn and then Billy and then they were just like not one day they knocked on my door and I open the door and there they were and I said what do you want they so you got some coffee I said sure don’t you Jesus you know Eng y let them in let them in you know and come on in how you doing I’m doing great Jesus you know you know like I want to kill everybody but other than that I’m okay you know and over John’s house one day and uh he said you coming over uh this weekend I said no I can’t uh Engle wants me to do some painting John was a professional fainter that’s what he did and uh he said well then I’ll come over and help you and I said that’s okay John I’ll do myself and John screamed at me he goes you selfish all kinds of nice words you call me then he says you know don’t you feel good when you come over here and help me I said yeah he said then why don’t you be nice enough to let me feel good this is what I do I said hell John come over paint the whole house I don’t care so that’s what we wind up doing painting the whole house you know and they called him catfish John and he wanted to go fishing and he was telling Eng he says you know I bet a dollar on the first a dollar on the biggest and a dollar on the most and when I get back I I had $3 if you’re a newcomer don’t go get in the boat and stay all night with an Oldtimer don’t do it you get a you’re in a 14ft boat and you get a 36 hour AA meeting just all they want to talk about is aa aa this and a Anda and a Anda and you know I want to use him for an anchor after about an hour you know we got there and he C took a little worm and caught a fish right away he said that c cost you a buck well I can tell you when the trip was over he paid me a dollar and he come back to oh said God that guy can fish you so I could have told you that you know by but I’d never been fishing sober I didn’t know you could do it you know and what happened was I had a boat and he said you’ve been taking the boat to the lake I said no he said well it’ll R sober I said well I’ve never been on it sober so I took it out he said you going to run the motor so I took it out and I brought it back and I said I took the boat to the lake he said have me fish you kiss I said I I didn’t take my H and he says well come on we’ll go fishing and so you people even had showed me how to fish sober you know and what happened was after about a little over a year I had a year I didn’t take a cake uh I wasn’t doing the thing I didn’t have a sponsor I was just hanging out like thousands of people in AA going through the rooms on the way to the graveyard because I wouldn’t doing a deal I was going to two or three meetings a day and that’s all I was probably capable of doing and uh come out of the Triangle Club on and I knew I was going to never make it home and I turned around there was an old guy behind me named Ted Davis and uh that was 28 years ago 27 years ago and he still my sponsor today and I said will you please be my sponsor and before he could say anything I said the most stupidest thing I’ve ever said in my life I said I’ll do anything you tell me I was so afraid he was going to say no let me tell you something guys and Bobby talks about a lot and I love it when he talks about the gift of desparation is the greatest gift God ever give an alcoholic I was so desperate I was so afraid he was going to say no and I knew if he said no I was a dead man I’d seen enough guys you know and as soon as he got you know he said okay build my house at 1:30 this afternoon I said well I wasn’t talking about today you know and he said didn’t you just tell me that you I said I’ll be over and uh um he’s 80 years old he’s got U 42 years of sany and he said I want you to go on a 12-step list and I said listen T I’m not a real alcoholic not what the book talks about he says tell them that they’ll like that I said you don’t understand Ted I said I am so angry I’m just so tied up that I’m want to kill people he said tell them that he said bil just don’t be nothing you’re not buddy he said get them in the van get them to the meetings and turn them over so I started picking you guys up and uh you know what you guys want to do when I pick you up want to talk telling me about your drinking you go I can pick up a drink and I can’t control it I’m going so you know and then I try to quit and I can’t quit then they say that’s stupid crap right I know I’m alcoholic I’m thinking I’m not but I sound not like him and I finally picked up enough of you jerks that you finally convince me that whatever you got I got you know and so if I got what you got I started picking out some guys that I wanted what they had my sponsor he’ll tell you had a quar million dollar house new Lincoln Continental and a 40ft boat out front I thought yep that’ll work you know so uh he became my sponsor and uh I’d like to tell you I did a four step right away and that would be a lie but let me tell you about the Second Step second step of a good friend Sandy talks about it find a spiritual way of life of going to The Bitter End see what I like to tell you is my spiritual light is out cuz when I cor to quit I can’t when I pick up a drink I can’t control it and I call it my spiritual light my spiritual light was dead the 12 the steps of alcoholic synomous and the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous designed to do one thing one thing only to turn the spiritual light on so I don’t pick up the first drink I am you hear people say I’m powerless over people’s places and thing the book’s talking I am powerless over alcohol I am powerless over that first drink without some kind of a power people like me it’s not if I’m going to drink again it’s just when I’m going to drink again people like me we drink you hear that we don’t drink no matter what well I drink no matter what so the steps of design it’s a process that I got to start putting my life and in step two in the 12: 12 it says this is peace Meal which we will get a little piece of this for the rest of our life find a spiritual way of life going to The Bitter End too bad there’s not a door three right find her get a better job you know spiritual way of life and that’s what the steps done do turn my will in my life over to care of somebody that I don’t that I know if he ever gets a hold of me is going to have a bonfire that’s tough step three it says if you was raised religious like me you will have more problems than a person who has never been involved in religions I knew that there was a God and I knew people like me it broke every rule he’d ever put down and no matter how good I did AA I knew that when I died I was going to burn in hell I just knew that and I’ll tell you something I can stand before you right now from the bottom of my heart tell you I don’t believe like that no more I don’t believe like that I have a very loving God in my life and I tell you something I love the lamp lighter where you can see where the lamp lighter’s been I don’t know if you’ve ever heard that story or not but there’s a lamp lighter in England and you can see where he he goes reles the lamps at night you can see where he’s been everywh he’s been but you can’t see where he’s going and I look back over my life at all the different things that’s happened and I can see where God’s been in my life and that’s what I have to do I have to look back and see where little bitty things happen when I was about nine months over I went into the old beer bar where I used to drink all the time and I’m on my way to an a meeting I ran in and went up there and I ordered a drink and I told Bill go should give me a drink and it was the only bartender in Las Vegas who knew I wasn’t drinking and all he said was he said Billy I thought you was off this crap and I started shaking I said Bill geez I’m on the way to an a meeting I want a pack of cigarettes then I went to a meeting I tell them guy you won believe what happened the guy says I believe you I said what the hell are you talking about he said Billy you got an alcoholic mine I said what the hell you mean he said let me ask you a question when did you ever go into the beer bar and order cigarettes first what’ you do the first thing you went that beer bar I said I order a drink he said well your mind was just doing what it always did I said am I that fragile he says oh yeah you really are and I thought wow he said isn’t it a good thing that God let you go into that bar instead I said that God didn’t have nothing to do with it Billy was the bartender you know he oh Jesus what if You’ have walked in some other place and I can see now that he was exactly right and I got story after Story you know in October I used to wouldn’t take any kind of speaking engagement or anything because now for the people who are animal actors uh you can cut this part out of the tape if you buy it but I love the hunting fish and I don’t do that in October I always go uh always go hunting the guy called me up and says we got a sponsorship thing that don’t forget you’re doing 30y and I said I said when is it he says October the 1st I said I don’t do things in October when did I make this commitment he said a long time ago he said we’ll get somebody else I said no if I made that commitment then I’ll take it so I go down to October the 1st to do that and Valerie comes up and tells me that uh don’t forget tomorrow they having dick te’s uh so I’m thinking I’ll do the sponsorship Saturday and I’ll leave early Sunday morning so the chief comes up and said don’t forget dict he’s the 35th birthday is tomorrow and so come in they want you to chare a meeting I said Jesus why can’t he have his birthday in August or some other time why do he got to have it October you know I said all right I’ll be there I said Christ so I said all right I’ll go to that thing and then I’ll leave Sunday afternoon I got my truck all packed and uh I go to that thing and one of them idiots I sponsor come up to me and said you know I’m really really in bad space and I need some spend some time with you and uh I’m going good God Al Mighty what’s going on but see God has a plan and I don’t know it right so I said all right so I started to talk to him he was a lot sicker than I thought he uh used the magic word that gets my attention he used suicide and I said all come come over and uh Monday morning we’ll spend some time together and I’ll leave Monday afternoon and uh he was sick and I thought and uh I hung out with him all day Monday and so I said well I’ll just go to bed real early and I’ll get up Tuesday and I’ll leave and um about 10:00 that night my phone rang and it was my daughter she’d fa and busted the sign of her face and all kinds of things that happened see if ID have had my way I would have been gone on Saturday if I had my way I’d have been gone on Sunday but because I’ve always made myself available in Alcoholics Anonymous I’m on the 12ep list and a lot of people have my phone number and people know I’m in AA God always has a chance to get a hold of me so if you’re new here tonight make sure that enough people got your number when things start happening in your life that God can get a hold of you guys like Bobby and I and brick and all these guys that go do all this thing we stay right in the middle of the herd and that way God can always get a hold of us she said uh she says I’m really bad shape she Bobby and I and brick and all these guys that go do all this thing we stay right in the middle of the herd and that way God can always get a hold of us and she said uh she says I’m really bad shape she says I need AA I said no you no kidding I know that and she says uh I said but Debbie I can’t help you but I know some people that can and um they went and picked her up and they said we’re not sure that youd want to see her I said look I’ve seen it before so it ain’t going to bother me but it was really worse than what I thought and we got her and so they talked her in uh going down to uh ABC down in Indigo and um she didn’t even stay sober that detox and U I finally got her down there she said if you drive me I’ll go down and I’ll stay and I drove her down on Friday I went hunting on Saturday chased some birds and went back to work on Sunday but God can I can look back and see where God was right in my life it’s always been like that uh my ex-wife and my my brothers would not allow me back in our house after I got sober I told my sponsor you know uh when I did my fourth step in the fifth and uh halfway through my fifth step I’m telling my sponsor I said I can’t believe I’m telling you all this stuff and he says don’t you understand why and I said no I don’t he said because you trust me and I thought that’s true I do I uh sat in that room for three and a half hours and I told him things that I wouldn’t tell anybody and uh I came out of there and and I’m one of those people that’s fortunate enough I he told me to go out to the park and be by myself and think about just what we did and think about my dad I didn’t get a chance to make it men to my dad I did with my mom I was 17 years old when my mom died but he said I remember you telling me that your father said he would like you if you would and your son just remember that your father liked you was so important that I did that fourth and fifth step of my sponsor I come out that I went in that Park and I cried and I thought about all the things that g in my life and I actually felt like maybe just maybe I can do this still just maybe just maybe a guy as stupid as me can do this deal I remember my sponsor tell me there people come in here with low self-esteem and you don’t have any if I went up your house and you were serving steak and lobster and hot dog I would take the hot dog ask what why don’t you have one of these I’d make up some kind of excuse like I’m allergic to it or something cuz I just didn’t feel like I was worthy of it everybody else was worthy of it I just couldn’t I couldn’t no longer do it he said I want you to start putting your shopping cart back I said what’s that got to do with anything what’s that got to do say he says it says it’s got a big sign says put card here you know what I mean I look this says please put card here so I’m putting the thing back one day and one of them kids are running around says gee M I wish everybody did that and when I walked away you know what happened I felt good inside I thought wow don’t throw stuff out of your truck when I leave the bathroom I wash my hands you know what I’m saying I’m always trying to think about what the other people you know if I shake your hand I don’t I don’t feel the least bit because I know I just watched them and things like that I’m always thinking I got people in Las Vegas that push carts that I look for I try to be the Good Samaritan every day there’s one lady that I’ve been uh I know she’s she looks like she’s 70 she’s probably in her 30s and uh you know she’s got no teeth and nothing and and I got people that I just look for you know and when I do something I don’t go tell nobody you know and one story I’ve told in the podium so I’ll tell it again you know I’m going to the lake one day I’m going fishing we we are killing these fish and I can’t wait to get there and I passed this little nun she’s pulled over on the side of the road and but the fish are really biting so I figured I’d just leave her standing there and I I’m as I’m driving the truck I’m looking back in the mirror and she’s like you know out in the middle of the desert ain’t nothing close and I so I put the brakes down and stopped the brakes and went back and here she was she says a big thump in my car and so I thought thump so I’m not a mechanic I raiseed the hood everything look good I said here let me drive it and so I just drove it like from here to there and the tire was coming apart and I got a knife and cut it and I said where are you trying to get to and she says Boulder City I thought well that’s two hours of no fishing I thought okay you drive real slow and I’ll follow you and I spent the whole whole morning with that little lady she wanted to show me everything and everything and I tell you something the more I talk to her the more I enjoyed talking to her and it was just like I thought wow you know and I left her just really like feeling you know maybe God will keep using me just maybe you know the steps in the 12: 12 it says that that will make us happy useful and whole and Bobby was talking about I need to feel useful I really need I don’t know if I’ll ever feel whole the book talks about there’ll comeing time that we’ll feel safe and I can honestly tell you from the bottom of my heart I don’t feel safe but I feel like if I keep doing what I’m doing I might make it to the end but I’ve never felt safe like I’ve heard people from the podium like I just know everything you know i’ I’ve always felt like I just got to keep struggling you know I do the jails the prisons the vet center uh you know and all the time I got so many commitments there I sponsored a lot of people you know I had did a big study for like six or seven years in a row and they cut cut the place down and everybody’s been trying to get me to start it again and but I just stay right in the middle of the herd you ever watch the animal channel you ever watch the Predators they never run into the middle of the herd to get nothing you see that they go on the outside and you can get outside the herd from here this is dangerous for a lot of people this Podium you can get outside the herd but not by turning down commitments you can get outside the her but not going to meetings you can get outside the heard but not want to help people you can get outside the heard but not SP coning people you can get outside the her by helping someone that’s not even in AA when you know they can you can help them and you don’t take the ability to do it just turn your head like they’ll go away you know and I believe my God’s watching me you know so I don’t know where you are or not but I know my God is and so I try to be in my God’s image and that’s what step six talks about step six is in the 12 or 12 talk about being in God’s image well what kind of guy do I have he’s very generous he’s certainly patient he’s certainly very tolerant and he certainly forgives a lot you know so I try to be in that image you know man 10 years so my brothers come to me and said you know we never told you how proud We were of you I said it took you 10 years to tell me that they said Billy you drank I said that’s right that’s what I do buddy I said but maybe at 18 years they sat in my home and they talked about all my drunk aogs and all the things I did and all the crazy crap and they all laughed and most and what Happ what happened was we were even at 25 years over 3 years ago my brother wrote me said I was the greatest brother anyone could ever have that’s because I stay in the middle of the herd and I be you stay in the middle of the herd you see when my daughter I live in AA with a heavy heart believe me I do my daughter come home one time she was just absolutely must have weighed about 80 lbs I always used to tell everybody it’s not that bad how you doing B it’s not that bad you know and she come home and she says uh she been living in the street for quite a while and she says haven’t had a shower in a few days can I come in take a shower and I said yeah come on in I said but you know you can’t stay here she said dead I know that and she looked like a pale ghost and I said when’s the last time you eat and she said I don’t remember I said well there’s plenty of food in the refrigerator going ahead and she came back out and she ate about four times in 5 hours and I looked at her and I said Debbie I’ve never seen you look that back she says I’m living in the back of a pickup we got a mattress in there now and it’s not that bad I thought that’s right honey the mattress makes a difference she says yeah I dad sleeping on it I thought here’s a beautiful home that you could be living in but drugs and alcohol are more important and you’re sleeping the back of a pickup so you can do what you got to do and that’s the disease of alcoholism my daughter makes straight A without trying you know and uh you I stayed in the middle of this herd you know I just there’s a thing on the animal channel I’ve seen and and this is one of my favorite things I was what I I don’t watch TV much I’m a anything with NASCAR I’ll watch and uh well I’m a redne what do you want uh you know some guys play baskets and stuff we go around in circles you know and uh I got six tickets with the Las Vegas thing I went out I was 60 some years old we had 38 guys out there driving IB Petty thing I was the oldest guy out there and I had the fastest lap the guy got out said you had a good time didn’t you I said no I had a great time you know you know I’ve done all them things that I said I used to sit on the bar and tell everybody I did you know and but I was watching the animal channel one day and it showed this little elephant remind me so much of a newcomer coming in AA this little elephant when he was born his elbows didn’t work and he had to walk on his elbows and he couldn’t walk on his feet and so when an animal’s born like it it goes laid down in the corner and it dies because it can’t make it with a herd and the mother of that elephant went and got all her sisters and stuff I didn’t know elephants Liv to be that long but there some of them Liv to be 100 years old and they went and got all the other elephants and every time the little guy would go lay down they would take the trunk and they would pick it up and they would make it walk when I come to a tried to stay away from you guys you guys showed up and you made not I went through a divorce and you guys were all there my sponsor said you stay close to him you come and put your trunk around me and you H me up and I’d walk through it and uh every time this I watch this whole thing and every time this little guy go to lay down here they come theyd take that trunk and they pick him up and it just didn’t walk very good but it would walk and sometime we don’t walk good we just just show the meetings and just do the very best we can to get through what we’re going through and then sooner or later the light opens up and we’re back up at the end of the program The Little Elephant was just running along with the rest of them you know what I mean maybe it worked the steps I don’t know what he did but he’s just running along you know and he was just doing the deal and I tell you something it ain’t that we do it good I don’t do a good there’s a lot of people in and I don’t want to talk good cuz it’s too hard to walk it you know if they talk good then you got to walk good but what I try to do is I try to do a lot of it I stay in the middle of alcoholic synonymous here’s the Circle I’m in the middle I go out and go fishing I stay I come back to AA I don’t live out there and run to AA I live in alcoholic synonymous and I go out there I still criticize too much I still talk about people too much it bothers me when I do it I still do it at least I didn’t you know but step 12 is trying to be the Good Samaritan every day I wake up every morning and I ask God please to put somebody in my life that I can be used to and I said whatever I do don’t come down to out don’t go down to Paramount try to act like you’re a speak or something I said God please show up and just let me do the best I can and let them see somebody that you have touched the best you can and I tell you something I live in AA and I do have a heavy heart but and I got some more things going on in my life but I tell you I love alcoholic syas I want to thank Bob and all my friends for coming down that I know heard me so many times but I really appreciate it and uh Michael Marine thanks for having me again uh I love this group this is a great group and Bobby Rick thanks for coming I love you a lot thanks that’s thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day