AA Speaker – Bobby C. – Edisto, SC – 2007
Bobby C. from Philadelphia shares his recovery journey as an AA speaker, covering hitting bottom as a police officer and working the steps with a sponsor who changed his life.
Bobby C. from Philadelphia got sober in 1988 after years as a police officer wrestling with alcohol and trauma he couldn’t process. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through hitting bottom, finding a sponsor who didn’t tolerate his BS, and learning to work the steps with honesty—a journey that transformed him from a stone-cold sober liar into someone actually living the principles of recovery.
Bobby C., a Philadelphia police officer, spent years drinking to numb the pain of violence he witnessed on the job, reaching a suicide attempt before calling a crisis line that led him to Alcoholics Anonymous. He shares how his recovery depended on finding a direct sponsor who demanded he work the steps seriously, take action, and practice the principles outside the meetings, not just quote literature. Through step work—particularly the fifth step with his sponsor and ninth step amends—Bobby learned to address his character defects and make meaningful changes in how he treated people, finding freedom from the resentments and fear that nearly killed him.
Episode Summary
Bobby C. tells his story from a working-class Philadelphia neighborhood to the police force, where he spent years running from emotional pain through drinking. An AA speaker tape that captures both the devastation of unmanaged alcoholism and the transformation step work can bring, this talk is candid about what it takes to actually recover.
Bobby started drinking young and early showed the signs of someone who drank differently. He’d black out from his first drinks but thought that meant you’d had a good load. By the time he joined the police force at 22—young enough that he still looked like a kid—his drinking had a mission: numb the things he saw on the job in North Philadelphia. He witnessed overdoses, violence, desperation day after day, then would go out with the squad to drink it away, never talking about it, never processing it.
He hit bottom hard in 1988 after a brutal incident while drunk that he carries deep shame about. That same day, sitting in a hotel room having gathered pills, drugs, alcohol, and a plan to end his life, the gun wasn’t accessible, the window scared him, the bathtub electrocution plan failed because the cord kept unplugging. So he took one last drive on the East River Drive, intending to wrap his car around a tree. Instead, a memory—a man he’d once notified about his son’s death—flashed through his mind, and Bobby realized he couldn’t inflict that pain on another family. He pulled over, found the crisis line article he’d clipped weeks earlier, called, and got admitted to treatment.
What makes this talk distinctive is Bobby’s brutal honesty about early sobriety. He got sober but he didn’t get better. Stone cold sober, he was still a liar, a cheat, a guy playing the rooms without doing the work. He didn’t believe he was an alcoholic—he was convinced his problem was the other substances he’d used briefly. He resented God and the church. He hated newcomers who seemed to get better faster than him. He passed the pictures around from strip clubs. He worked the angle. He had a sponsor in name only.
At 27 months sober, Bobby wanted to eat his gun. The pain didn’t lift just because he quit drinking.
Everything changed when he swallowed his pride and asked an old-timer from his neighborhood—a guy named Troubles—to be his sponsor. Troubles told him straight: “You’re full of shit.” Then he laid down conditions: daily calls, Big Book meetings, service work, men’s meetings, a coffee commitment, and stay away from the women. Bobby didn’t like it, but something in him was ready. That night he worked the first three steps on his knees, and his sponsor took him through the Big Book with no tolerance for Bobby’s intellectual defenses.
The fourth step inventory cracked something open. When Bobby did his fifth step, he discovered his sponsor didn’t ridicule him, judge him, or break his confidence. More than that, his sponsor shared his own experience—he’d killed a man in the 60s and done time—which dissolved the terminal uniqueness Bobby had clung to for years.
By the time Bobby sat quietly after the fifth step, something shifted. “The screaming inside stopped,” he says. After months of his head racing, of being uncomfortable with people, of doing nothing but abstaining from alcohol, the noise finally quieted.
He walks through his character defects without spiritual-sounding language—calls it a “root awakening” instead, because it wasn’t pretty. When he did his ninth step amends, he discovered that making amends isn’t saying sorry; it’s changing behavior, resuming responsibility, and showing up differently going forward. He shares two stories: one where he publicly humiliated a man for years and finally made direct amends at a meeting, and the man had gotten sober and been carrying the message the whole time. The other: a guy in his home group whose motion he didn’t second out of neighborhood loyalty, and who died before Bobby could make it right—a lesson on “wherever possible” not being about convenient timing.
The 12 step work became his foundation. He explains the traditions—especially the 11th on anonymity—with a clarity that shows he actually understands them, not just follows them. He challenges the secrecy-equals-anonymity confusion and uses his full name when it matters, understanding the difference between spiritual anonymity and hiding.
Later in life, at 35, Bobby was diagnosed with lung cancer—never smoked a cigarette in his life. He didn’t use it as an excuse to drink. People from AA carried the message to him in his house while he recovered. He’s been in and out of treatment since, and he’s still showing up.
The talk ends with solid advice for newcomers: get a home group, get a sponsor who’s actually done the steps, understand that the real recovery happens in the other 22.5 hours outside the meetings, and find your part in service work—whether it’s central office, corrections, public information, or professional cooperation. Bobby’s not the poster boy for AA. He still makes mistakes. But he learns from them, stays humble, and shows up to carry the message to people like he once was.
Notable Quotes
You’re full of shit.” — His sponsor, the night Bobby finally asked for real help.
The screaming inside stopped.” — After his fifth step, describing the relief of the noise finally quieting.
Making amends is much more than saying I’m sorry… I sit down and have conversations with people. I tell them what I did. And from that point on, I don’t engage in that behavior anymore.
Anonymity is spiritually inspired and secrecy is fear inspired. This is not a secret society.
The real deal comes doing it outside the rooms… It’s easy to stay sober in a meeting and quote literature, but for me the real recovery is practicing these principles in all my affairs.
I’m just a regular guy from the neighborhood trying to do the right thing. And sometimes I fall short. But what will get me drunk is the arrogance of defending those mistakes or justifying those mistakes.
Step 5 – Admission
Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
Sponsorship
Hitting Bottom
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 5 – Admission
- Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
- Sponsorship
- Hitting Bottom
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> My name is Bobby K.
I'm an alcoholic. >> Uh, I'd like to thank the committee for inviting me, Joel and Mary Kay. It's actually the second time I've been in the state of South Carolina sober.
I was actually here in Charleston a number of years ago uh at the very first state uh South Carolina state conference of young people. It's a beautiful city. It's really a nice area.
You know, last week I was at the Phillies game opening day. It was 71° on Monday and Wednesday it was snowing at the game. Now, my friend Tim came from Cleveland.
He had 30 ines in the last week. So, it wasn't that bad back home, but it's really nice to be here. That's beautiful.
I really don't speak with any type of accent you think I may have. I'm actually I'm finishing up a cold I really saw. My sobriety date is June 2nd, 1988.
My home group is the underground group. We meet at the Opine Community Center for Lombard in South Philadelphia on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays at 8:00. If you're ever in the neighborhood, please stop by.
We'd love to have you. Chapter 5 is real clear. I am supposed to tell you in a general way what my life was like as an active alcoholic, what happened to me, and what my life is like today as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I was born and raised in a very uh blueco collar workingass uh neighborhood in Philadelphia. I have seven brothers and sisters. Uh we had no booze all in my house.
Uh my father did not drink and my mother could not drink. You know, my mother was pregnant for almost 10 years. Seriously.
I I I I got a brother who I I have a sister who's 11 months older than me and I am 11 months older than my next sister. It's Irish octoplet you know but uh you know and besides being pregnant all those years unfortunately my mother suffered from a history of mental illness and abuse prescription medication. So my father who did not drink was pretty smart not to have any booze all in the house.
My grandparents, my dad's parents lived around the corner from us and their basement was finished as a bar and that's where all the family functions would held the graduations, the christristenings and things like that and that's where I had my very first drink. I loved my grandparents and my grandparents were immigrants and so they used to speak kind of funny and you know but if you come in the neighborhood it's everyone the same. But you know what they uh they always had parties, you know.
Uh my mother was one of 11. My father's from a much smaller family. He was one of 10.
So we all there was always a party, you know. It was always someone's graduation or you know something that was always going on. And that's where I had my first drink.
I did not get drunk the first time I got drunk. But I remember what it was. I was just a kid and I was running around the basement bar polishing off the it was Valentine beer.
And I remember that because I remember going up to Connie Max Stadium with my father and Valentine used to have that scoreboard and right center field and they had the three rings on it, you know, and I was running around the basement baring off the half empties or the half fulls. I guess it depends on your perception. But it was my uncles who pointed at me said, "Look at him and look at Bobby." And that's what I always craved.
See, I never felt a part of. And that's pretty tough to do when you got 10 people living in a small three-bedroom row home. But I never felt a part of.
And that would be true in even to an early recovery. My drinking really took off kind of in high school. Most of the kids in the neighborhood went to the local diosis in high school, but my parents had sent me to a private Jesuit high school.
And right away I felt kind of different because most of the kids who went to the school from affluent family from the suburbs, just me and a couple other dirt balls in the neighborhood who went there and we used to walk to this school and a lot of these kids, it was their first introduction to the inner city and their parents would be dropping them off in their luxury automobiles and me and the guys from the neighborhood were inside robbing their lockers and And I knew that was wrong. I knew that by the values instilled in me by the nuns as a kid and by my parents. But the need for me to be accepted by you way outweighed anything else.
And I had a lot of nicknames. And one of those nicknames was Crazy Coil. And I did things in my gut that I was uncomfortable doing.
But the need for me, you know, I was your entertainment committee, you know, and so uh and we we did things like that. Like we sold footballs and if you hit, we didn't pay off. you know, you you wanted to buy certain substances.
We sold you substitutes without your allow. You didn't do nothing. So, so we thought we were g gangsters, you know.
So, but uh but uh I remember my freshman year at the prep. It's September. It's football season.
There we rented a bus. There was an away game. There was drinking.
There was fighting. There was police activity. It was really a lot of fun.
And I remember the first Monday back to school, we all had to go sit at the Splinarian. And they they were he had about 10 of us lined up as outside his office and they were all upper classmen except me and another kid from the neighborhood. We're the only two freshmen.
And the priest came up to us. He said, "What's with you guys? You guys here like 2 weeks and you're getting this jackpot already?" And I just shrugged my shoulders.
I said, "You know, follow just one of them things." And what it was, it didn't take me long to size up situations. Even though I did well academically, I didn't hang out with the AP kids and I didn't play football, so I didn't hang out with those kids. I was there about a week and found out who the nitwits were and that's who I hung out with, you know.
And that would be the story of my life. Putting in new situations, I found out who the knuckleheads were, and that's who I want to hang out with. You know, this school is in a pretty rough neighborhood.
It's on the corner of 17th and Gerard. And three blocks away is the subway. Now, at the end of the day, these kids used to from the suburbs used to take public transportation home.
And so, but they were scared to walk the three blocks to the subway. So, the trolley car stopped outside the school. So, they would wait forever.
They wait a half hour, an hour for the trolley. You could walk him back 20 times, you know, but they were afraid. Now, two blocks away, there was a bar called the Ebony Showcase Lounge.
And when I was a junior at the at the I was a regular at the Ebony. Now, I went there for a couple different reasons. I mean, what I'm 16, I look like I'm 12.
I'm kind of dressed like I am now, you know, gray slacks, blazer, you know, and but they figured if we were goofy enough to go in there and service, they, you know, to get served, they would service. And uh it was nuts. Now, I went there because they had dancers and they had cold beer.
But a lot of times when we went there again just to show off these kids from the suburbs how tough we were. I'm not a tough guy and I never was. And every time I strolled out that street and I sat in the bar and ordered a drink, I was terrified.
But I couldn't let anybody else know, you know, playing the role, keeping people at bay and all that nonsense that went with it. When it came time to graduate from the prep, uh you know, uh I didn't want to go to want to go on coming uh to go on to school. And that kind of ticked my parents off because my parents didn't have much and they made a great deal of sacrifice to send me to private school.
I mean, from both sides, both my uh both sets of grandparents were immigrants and they knew that the the way to make it here was education. So, I didn't want to go to school, but I knew I couldn't stay home because they'd be hell to catch and guys like me don't like to catch any hell, you know. But my options were limited.
I'm 17. I got no skills. I got no money.
I can't do nothing. So the only thing available to me I thought was enlisted in the service and that's what I did. I enlisted in the service.
That really wasn't a bright move back then because nobody else was going. I mean it just wasn't popular at the time. There were things going on.
So but I uh I got I enlisted and after my training I went up I guess overseas for 13 months and that's when my drinking really took off. I never messed around with other substances. I never even smoked a joint.
You know I had a fear of that stuff. I had a lot of guys from my neighborhood going over and got whacked on certain things and I had a healthy fear of that stuff, but I definitely had a drinking problem before I went in and when I was over there, it got worse. I was there a couple months and several good friends of mine got killed and I don't know how to handle that because in my family we didn't talk about nothing.
It was all surface stuff, you know, and once you moved out of the house, whether you went to school or you got married, you were no longer privy to the secrets of the family. Everything stayed within the walls of the house. And if you lived in the house, everything stayed inside you.
And that's not a shot of my folks. I mean, that's just the way it was. We didn't talk about nothing, you know.
And I didn't know what to do, but booze numb the pain. And that's what I did. I drank enough to numb the pain, you know.
I didn't distinguish myself in the service, but I didn't do badly either. I gave a bare minimum effort required to get by. Mediocrity was my goal, and I was pretty good with that.
I didn't want any attention. Good attention, bad attention. I would just hope that I skate along and do what I needed to do, and you wouldn't even notice me.
My tour was up. I came home. I enrolled in school.
I went to St. Joe's. And then I wound up taking a couple civil service exams and at the end of the spring semester St.
Joe's and back then it was a small school. I mean I don't think there was more than 3,000 of us in the whole school. So there's about 15 20 of us in the classroom max.
It was at the end of the spring semester and the guy from the neighborhood called me up. He said, "Bobby, the Phillies are playing tomorrow. One of those businessman specials, you know, like one of those weekday afternoon games." He said, "You want to go to the game?" I said, "Sure." I mean, I'm not setting the classroom on fire.
I'm not making the deans list, but I'm not fail failing out either. given the bare minimum effort required to get by. So I said, "Sure, I'll go down." So the Phillies have since moved.
They're playing in South Philadelphia. They're playing at Vet Stadium. It was an unusually warm day in May and we're at sitting at the top of the stadium, the 700 level, drinking that cheap watered down beer and the sun's beating down on us and I'm getting kind of trashed.
And I told one of the guys I was with, I said, "You know what? I said, I'm going to run down the field, meet one of the players." And they said, "That's okay, Bob. Go ahead." And they kind of shrugged me off because another nickname I had was Bob.
I'm going to say I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I did that.
I didn't do nothing. I made stories off. But I never got off the bar store.
That's all I did. I told stories. When I talked to you, I should have started off once upon a time.
I mean, I got, you know, it was just nuts. So, I worked my way down to the old picnic area they had and I jumped over the fence and I ran out in the field and the San Diego Padres's were in town and Dave Winfield was the right fielder for the Padres's. And I went out and I shook his hand.
I said, "Hi, Dave. How you doing?" And he looked at me, he said, "Brother, what are you doing out here?" And he's a pretty big dude, you know. And from behind him, I saw the guards coming.
I said, "Dave, I got to go now." So, I start running towards the infield. I want to slide into second base, but I was running towards the infield. There was more guards coming from the third base side.
I knew I couldn't do that. If I slid in the second, I get caught. So, I start walking towards first base.
I'm walking at this point. It's probably close that the guard is Adam right now. And I'm walking to give myself up.
At the last second, I dked the guy. I ran out in the outfield. Now, I'm running around like a screw ball.
It seems like 10 minutes, but it's probably closer to two or three, right? But the stadium's going nuts, you know? They couldn't catch me.
I mean, I'm just out of service. I'm in good shape, you know, but you know what? I'm drunk.
I'm out of breath. The fence is 12 ft high. I got nowhere to go, you know.
And it seriously, it was like the scene out of Keystone Cops. I got these young short fat guys. These go, they couldn't catch me.
They're tumbling over up on the scoreboard. They put Mr. Excitement.
It was just nuts. But I finally stopped running. I just gave up.
I wait out in center field. I waited for them to catch me. They took me off the field.
I got a standing ovation from 37,000 people. Swear God. They took me up to the bullpen and Tug McGro was in the bullpen for the Phillies.
Gave me the thumbs up. Said like, "Way to go." You know, now I knew I was going to get a beating from them guards. You know what?
They could have beat on me all day long cuz you know why? Because I knew that I was going to be a legend in the neighborhood. I figured by the time I got out of jail, I'd be back.
the guys from the neighborhood be telling the story because this would be a type of story that I'd make up like Bob, right? But I got them four guys from the neighborhood who would tell the story and I could drink for free for at least a week easily. I I actually pictured this.
I was just nuts. So they could have beat on me. I didn't care.
Just as I was about to get my beaten, the Philadelphia police lieutenant showed up. He said, "What's the matter with you?" He said, "Are you drunk? Are you h you high?
What's what's going on?" I said, "I'm just happy. I'm just happy to be here." He said, "Well, you better get your happy ass out of the stadium. So, not only did he save me from getting a beaten, but he saved me from getting arrested.
And that was kind of important because about like 6 8 weeks later, one of them civil service kind of panned out and I got hired by the Philadelphia Police Department. They was hiring anybody back then. Take my word.
I got hired. We had a our mayor at the time was a guy by the name of Frank Rizzo. Frank was a former cop and police commissioner.
He loved us and we were 8,300 strong and we were nothing but gang badges and we could do whatever the hell we want to do. When I got sworn in, I'm not even old enough to drink. The drinking age in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania has always been 21.
At that time, the drinking age in Jersey was 18. And where I lived in Philly, I could be across the bridge in Jersey quicker than other parts of Philadelphia, you know. But once I got on the job, I no longer needed to do that, you know.
And uh I was off to the races. The first part of my career I spent up in North Philadelphia and I would see the uh the ravages of alcoholism and drug addiction day in day out. And at the end of the tour, I would go out with guys in the squad and drink to numb the pain because I saw things on the job, but I couldn't tell my co-workers that because I didn't want to be thought less than.
I wanted to be one of the boys to the point where I engaged in behaviors I knew was wrong. The way I treated the people and spoke to people, you know, but I was just nuts. I was immature, you know.
I need to back up for a minute. That story I talk about running on the field, I tell that story for a couple different reasons. First of all, you know what?
It's the only funny story I got. I wasn't a funny guy. I wasn't a lover.
I wasn't an athlete. I was none of that stuff. I was a lion, thieving, stinking, falling down, violent drunk.
I had some good times, but I crossed the line when that happened. I had no idea, but it got ugly quickly for me, you know. Secondly, it's a it's a true story.
I got them four guys from the neighborhood. They can back me up. But, you know, uh it's just amazing.
But you know, and more importantly though, it's a, you know, it's it's the only story I remember. I was a major blackout drinker from the very first start. I remember I would be out with the guys and show up in the corner the next day and guys would be telling me what I did.
Oh, Bob, you were nuts. You did this last night. And they would tell these stories to me and a couple hours later, I would be repeating these stories like I remembered them.
I remember when I got sober a few years later was I was in the VA hospital and the doctor came up to me. He said, "Listen, did you ever have any blackouts?" I said, "No." I must have answered a little too quickly for him. He said, "Do you know what they are?" I said, "No." Once he described them to me, I said, "All the time." That's how I thought you had a good load the night before if you didn't remember it.
I just thought that was that went with the territory. I was a blackout drinker from the very first start, just drinking beer. I was just nuts.
And, you know, some Irish whiskey and a little wine, but predominantly beer, but you know, I was just nuts. So, I'm on the job and uh you know, and it's u you know, I'm having a lot of fun and then I'm having a lot of problems. I'm at work one day and my immediate supervisor pulled me off to the side.
He said, "You know what, kid? You're smart. You're going to go places, but that booze is going to mess you up in one ear and out the other.
I'm at a family function one time and my uncle was there. My uncle, he was a boss on the job and he pulled me off to the side. He said, "Bobby, I'm hearing stories about you.
You're going to get yourself in a jackpot. You better take it easy. Slow down.
in one ear and out the other. Several years later, on two separate occasions, I ran into that supervisor and my uncle in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I remember talking to my uncle Jimmy.
I said, I said, "How come he didn't tell me?" You know, and he gave me one of them old-timer smiles. He said, "Bobby, you just weren't ready yet." Which just goes to show you that all the drinking and all the nonsense that went with it were necessary for me to hit my bottom. I was uh uh you know, I I made my first I knew about Alcoholics Anonymous.
I made my first meeting in 19 uh I knew about alcoholics and I got introduced in 1979. I don't tell people I went out because I really never came in. But I'll tell you what happened.
I showed up at work one day and I had one of my co-workers was just drunk out of his mind, you know, and uh uh we had a counseling unit on the job and then within that counseling unit, they used to have an AA group. Uh 369 was the name of the group. And I showed up at work one day and the supervisor said, "Bobby, you know, take this guy up to the unit.
He's going to be detailed for the there for the day." I said, "Okay." So, it was this little house. I sat in the park and I come down the driveway and I pull up and there's a guy who was sitting on the porch. His name was Eddie.
Eddie M. And Eddie and I had worked out of the same building. He was actually the turnkey downstairs and I was kind of friendly with him.
I says, "Eddie, as I'm dropping this guy off, I'll be back at 4:00 to pick him up. He's detailed here for the day." He looked me dead in the eye, said, "Kid, do you want to come in?" I said, "No, I don't." I was insulted that he even ask me because I know what alcoholics were. Alcoholics were you older guys, you married guys, you guys the three heads.
I mean, I wasn't an alcoholic. I was a beer drinker. The only, you know, and you couldn't be an alcoholic drinking beer.
Alcoholics were these poor people I was dealing with day in day out. I mean, like I said, the only time I drank hard liquor was like on St. Patty's Day or New Year's Day or payday, but I was a beer drinker, you know.
And it was funny because when I got sober, Eddie was one of the first guys I saw at my first outside meeting and he just gave me one of them old-timer smiles. They said, "So, kid, you finally came around." And again, just to show you that all the drinking and all the nonsense that went with it were necessary for me to hit my bottom. You know, I was 24 years old and I shot and killed a 15-year-old kid in the line of work in a terrible situation that couldn't be avoided.
You know, they now have a phrase suicide by police, but 20ome years ago, that wasn't around. and I use it as an excuse to crawl in a bottle and that's what I did for my next three years. I got sober when I was 27.
Drinking took me to a lot of my nevers and one of those nevers was the use of other substances. I wound up getting promoted and transferred on my job and I was put in a position. I was drinking.
I was working this thing and I was drinking and my judgment was impaired and I was put in a position where I thought I needed to do other substances and that's what I did. My use of other substances is very short. It lasted about 17 months.
It caused me and a lot of other people a lot of grief and out of respect of the fifth tradition. That's why I need to talk about that stuff, you know, just went with the territory. I'm sitting home from work one day.
I'm reading the paper and there was an article and at the end of the article there was a little box and had a series of questions. It said alcohol problems, drug problems, depression, thoughts of suicide, marital problems. I was four out of five cuz I was single and I'm sure if I was married I'm sure if I was married I've been batting a thousand, you know.
And they talk about the moment of clarity or sanity, but as soon as it came, it quickly left. But something made me cut that out and I stuck it in my wild and I continued on drinking. It was Memorial Day weekend 1988.
Me and the guys I worked with, we were in a lot of trouble. So we were in a bar to get our story straight, you know, and uh one thing led to another and it just turned out to be a drinking party, you know, and uh I guess we forgot our primary purpose, you know. We're getting drunk and one of the guys I was with uh he said he needed to go home.
God forbid, like he had to take take care of some sort of family obligation. And I said, "Listen, I'll give you a ride home because I did not think that I was as drunk as he was." And he thought that was a pretty good idea. So, I was giving him a ride home and I I was a showoff.
I always was. So, I was going to show off my driving skills to this guy. That's pretty easy to do because I'm not driving my car.
You know, it's a it's a city car. And I would see things like on television or in the movies and I would try to duplicate these things. And I man, I totaled so many cars.
I now know everything's pre-esigned and they got stunt people and all that other stuff. And I was wondering why I always tear these cars up. And the bosses came up to me and they knew.
I would tell these outrageous stories and they they just looked at me and they knew, but you never confess, you know? I mean, they may know, but unless they got the proof, you can't get jammed up. So, I Oh, no.
That didn't happen. Nuts. So, I was going to show off my driving skills.
And I'm driving out this street and I see a kid coming towards me on a bicycle and up on my left hand side was a big wall about 10 ft high. And for some reason, I thought it'd be funny to see this kid jump the curb and grab the wall. I don't I don't know why.
I just thought that'd be funny. So, we decided to play chicken with this kid. And unfortunately, at the last second, we turned to the same direction.
I ran this kid over. As he lied, bleeding the hood of my car, I got out of my car, my nightstick. I was going to beat this kid because I thought he was milking me in the city for an insurance claim.
The guy that I was with prevented me from doing that. Uh, so I took this kid off the hood of my car, threw him off the side of the street like a piece of trash. I pulled this crumple bicycle from underneath my car, threw that off the side of the street like a piece of trash.
I drove back to the bar and made some sort of smart remark and I continued on drinking. When I came to the next day, I realized I was in serious serious trouble, but I didn't think anybody would help me because I was such a creep and I didn't know what to do. So, what I did do, I got a bottle of liquor, queso beer, and some other substances.
And I checked in the hotel with the intentions to all the stuff to build up the courage on my life. And 3 days later, they're knocking on the door to kick me out of the hotel and everything's gone. The alcohol, the drugs, all that stuff's gone.
And at this point, I'm suspended from my job. So, I no longer had access to my weapons, so I couldn't shoot myself. So, I walked over to the window and I opened up the window.
I was going to jump out the window. And when I opened up the window, I was on the fifth floor. And I remembered I was scared of heights.
I made 23 jumps in the service. I never overcame my fear of heights. So then I went in the bathroom.
I filled the bathtub up with water and I was going to put a blowd dryer in the tub to make it appear nice with no electrocution. And every time I pull a blow dryer into the tub, it would come unplugged. I was about a foot and a half showing on cord and it's like that scene out that Woody Almo he wear couldn't even kill himself and I got one foot in the tub and I'm leaning trying to plug it in.
I couldn't even do that and I didn't, you know, there was nothing left and the only other the only other tool that I had left was my car. So I took one last spin through the neighborhood. I guess I went to see everything for the last time and then I started up at the falls at the uh the falls bridge and come down the East River Drive which is a very winding road along the Skooko River and I decide it's uh I was going to end my life in an automobile accident and this was a Wednesday or Thursday like midm morning 10 11:00 and that's important because if it happened any other time I'd have probably succeeded in what I set out to do and the speed limit is like 20 and I'm doing about 40 and and I'm cooked and I'm hung over and I'm just flying.
And uh I figured I'd go on on oncoming traffic because I handled enough jobs like that and does that does the trick. And and as I'm coming down the drive, I uh I always remembered something that happened when I was young on the job. It it was it's believe me, it's not even the top 20, but it always bothered me.
I was what I was about 22 23 years old and I had to do a notification before I had to knock on this guy's door and tell him that his son was killed in an automobile accident. And he must have he was an older guy to me at that point. and he had to be like in his late 30s, early 40s.
And I remember when I knocked on his door and told him and the only way I can describe it, I actually saw the life leave this guy. He literally aged in front of me, you know, and I saw him a few weeks in court. I didn't even recognize him.
I was walking down the hallway and he pulled me off to the side. I started talking to him, you know. I don't know why that stayed with me, but I was always haunted by that.
And like I said, it's not even a it's not even the top 20 of the stuff that I I was engaged in. But as much pain that I was in, I knew that I could not inflict that type of pain on another family. I now know that was my higher power.
But I didn't know that at that time. But I still needed to end my pain. So I decided I would wrap myself around in one of these trees.
They got these big old oak trees and that does the job. I handle enough of those. Usually get thrown to the windshield or get evicted from the vehicle and get run over by another one.
That would do the trick, too. And I just lost it. I just started crying and, you know, speeding.
I just just nuts. And I finally pull over and at the end of the East River driver's boat house row and I sat behind the wheel of my car and I cried like a baby for about 10 minutes and I reached in my glove box where I always had an extra gun and it wasn't there but inside was my wallet and inside that wallet was that article that I had clipped out at Daily News about 6 weeks before and I called the phone number up and the woman who answered the phone I I spoke to this woman like I spoke to no one in my life before. I told her the truth.
I told her everything that was going on in my miserable life and God bless her. She listened patiently and when I got done she said, "Listen, why don't you drive over to Hanaman Hospital so I'm going to be waiting to talk to you." I said, "Okay." And that was like about a 5-minute drive and I drove over there and they were waiting for me. They admitted me to their 10th floor of their psychiatric unit and they kept me there for about 3 or 4 days.
They got me kind of stabilized and from there I got transferred to the VA hospital out in West Philadelphia and I spent about 6 weeks in their flight deck and then I got transferred to the VA hospital out in Coatsville where I would spend a few more weeks in their flight deck before I got put into an alcohol and drug ward. When I pulled over that day and made that phone call, Alcoholics Anonymous, was the furthest thing from mine, I didn't think I had a problem with alcohol. I thought my main problem was that other substances, if I left that crap alone, I'd be okay.
Maybe I got this mental illness I heard this from my mother. Maybe I got this stress stuff they're now talking about. I got this from my experience in the service.
I got this on on the job. Maybe it's the neighborhood I live in. Maybe it's the fact I'm a mummer.
But it can't be alcohol because I'm a beer drinker. And there's no way you could be an alcoholic drinking beer. I mean, that's how warped I was.
So I'm in the drug and alcohol ward. I'm there probably about two or three hours and at this point I'm probably I So I got about 8 10 weeks in my without any substances, right? So I so the the the arrogance creeps back in.
So I got to get the lay of the lane. I got to check out like what's going on here. So I wander into the day room and in the day room up on the wall they had the large window shades of the 12 steps of the 12 traditions.
I zip through the steps. I had about six of them done. I saw the part about the amends.
I said this screw we don't do that. not my neighborhood. We don't We're never wrong.
You don't do that, you know. But what bothered me later that night, two men came up and they were part of the treatment facility committee. I did not know that.
Then I would find out that that late that later. And these guys came up to share, you know, whatever the hell they wanted to share. And I would sit there and I said, "Man, these guys are nuts." You know, I'm not bad as these guys.
And I'm looking around, you know, I'm not bad as these guys. You know, these guys, I mean, they got wives who hate them kids. They're not allowed to go nowhere near the house.
I don't have that problem. probably due to the fact I never been married and didn't have any kids. These guys had all types of legal problems.
I didn't have that going on. Probably due to the fact because I had a gold shield in my back pocket. And none of these guys had uh employment.
I never had employment problem. I mean, I went from high school to the Air Force to the police department. It's the only job I had.
I mean, I didn't I was looking for the differences and not the similarities. And the moment that the speaker said something about his background that I did not identify with, could not relate to or plain didn't like immedately tune him out. two visitors in the messenger, not the message.
But what bothered me the most without any question was at the end of the meeting, everyone got in a circle, held hands, and said the Lord's Prayer. If this is what your people about, I don't want nothing to do with you cuz I hated God. And you know what that there were?
Believe me, it was justified hate. And I know they're strong words. You know what?
And it doesn't even begun begin to sum up the feelings I had towards God. And there were a number of reasons I hated God, but one of the more important reasons was, you know, my mom was a fundamentalist in the church and she was in the charismatic movement and she could speak in tongues and pictures in the house and all that other stuff. I was 15 years old.
I came home from school one day and I'm in the house for about 10 minutes and I came across my mother. My mother had slit her wrist. I remember she looked up at me.
She said, "Bobby, help me." I looked down. I said, "Good for you." And I got an older guy to go to the state store and got a bottle of wine. I stayed out and drank the wine.
I came home later that night. My father told me what happened. I acted surprised.
I said, "Oh, yeah. How about that? So that happened when I was 15.
I got sober when I was 27. So that's 12 years of hating God. And believe me, that's a good 12 years for a hate to fester.
It'll be a few more years before I would ever address this issue. I did not want anything to do with your people at all. When I gave time to get discharged out of the hospital, I'm about to say this, and please, it's not it's not to get a laugh.
The nurse came up to me and she had to be a member of Alanon. She was such a beautiful lady and she saw all through my BS. And she came up because it was a facade, you know, was about keeping them people at bay.
And she saw right through it. And she said, "You know what? The only way you're going to make it, you're going to need to go to Alcohol Anonymous." And I need to tell you that's the best piece of advice I got.
And that's where I would get my recovery. I got in an alcoholics anonymous. I didn't get at the VA hospital.
The VA hospital helped me tremendously. They really did. You know, they drain the oil, tighten the bolts.
I mean, they do great work. But I got my recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to AA every single day.
Sometimes two or three times a day. You know, I don't drink coffee. I never have.
So, I don't make it. This is the deal. I don't smoke cigarettes.
I never have. So, I don't empty any gas trays. I don't go to big book meetings or step meetings.
I if I went to one of them, it was by accident. I would leave it to break. I had something more important to do.
Tradition meetings, rules. My line of work, we love to enforce them. We don't like to follow them.
They're for other people. So, I didn't do them meetings either. I was interested in war stories.
And the moment that the speaker said something about his background that I couldn't identify with or didn't like, I'd immediately tune him out. Too busy listening to Messenger, not the message. But I made meetings and I was crazy as a bed bug.
I was sitting in this bar. I was drinking soda, drinking salsa out of a rock glass. And I was I I don't know.
I'm probably sober about 10, 11 months at this time. And a couple guys, because they sold real good roast beef, too. It was one of those bars, good food, right?
And so I'm sitting there and drinking my soda and eating my sandwich. and a couple guys in the neighborhood came in and they saw me and they thought it was necessary to knock me down a couple pegs because I was I was, you know, a very arrogant guy. I was very aggressive on my job and, you know, got a lot of attention and just in case you happen to miss the article.
I just had a couple maybe four or five in my trunk of the car, I'd be more than happy to sign for you and give it to you. I mean, that's a, you know, and the truth was the reason I was in that b that day is the arrogance because, as you can imagine, towards the end of my drinking, there's a lot of negative publicity and I was there. Don't believe the hype.
I don't know who that guy was. Things are cool. That's why I was in the bar that day.
And the guys came in and he just started like breaking my, you know, he just start uh, you know, he gave me a hard way to go, you know, start just try to knock me down a couple pegs, you know, and he got a little too close to me and I stood up and I punched him right in the face. I was drinking out of a rock last and I cut him open. He bled like a pig.
And the uniform guys came in to handle the job. I knew one of the uniform guys. They pulled me off to the side and I told him what had happened.
He just looked at me and I could see the look of disgust in his eye, you know. He said, "Get the hell out of here, you know, and I could have really got jammed up. I would have been a serious incident, you know, and uh so he let me go." And that's where I learned my lessons about people, places, and things.
And I since found a place that sell real good roast beef with that without being in that type of environment. I was just nuts. My oneyear anniversary at that time, you told your story, my home group, you know, and I got done speaking.
It was incredible. my first anniversary. Thunders applause, the blind could see the lane walked.
It was truly miraculous, you know. And people came up and they patted me on the back and say, "Way to go, Bobby. You're doing so good." I lied during my entire story.
I identified myself as an alcoholic because my home group, that's all you could do. You couldn't talk about that other stuff. I didn't think I had a problem with alcohol.
I thought my real problem was short use of a lot of substances. I thought I was mentally ill. I had that service, you know, the stress from the services, stress from the job, the neighborhood I lived in.
I didn't think I had a problem with alcohol. In fact, during the course of my story, a bottle of beer appeared in my head. But you guys didn't want to hear that.
You want to hear all the quotes from the literature. And I was a pretty sharp guy. I knew how to hold on information and give it back to you.
And that's what I did. You know, and when people came up and patted him in the back and say, "Bobby, you're doing so good. I was dying inside." You know, I was sober 23 months.
I beat another man with a baseball bat. Forget what step I was working that day. But I was I did everything wrong.
You go do an alcohol synonymous. I was, you know, from the school that you just don't drink. And I said, "Oh, good.
I do whatever I want, just not drink." I mean, I was just nuts. Stone cold sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous is a liar, thief, and a cheat. I was a creep with the new woman.
I hated everybody, you know. Uh I swear to God, my very first uh when my meetings, my home group, we had a corkboard, first name, last initial, anniversaries, you know, date of month, and how many years you're celebrating. If Joey A had three years and he went out, I'm Bobby C.
I got two years. I said, "Good for him. He's out.
I'm in I thought this is about time. I mean that's what my very first meeting there was a husband and wife celebrating 10 years. The wife had one more date than her husband and I a come on 10 years I that's you can't have that.
I mean come on you go over in Jersey and drink and keep your Pennsylvania time. I mean I was just nuts. I couldn't understand.
She had one more date than her husband and she constantly reminded her to do out her story. A come on what a load. I mean you could you can't couldn't do that.
I I couldn't fath but there was a guy from my neighborhood. His name was Troubles and that was a hard earned nickname and Troubles was 2 years sober and uh my neighborhood was getting flipped over at the time, you know, gentrification. The Yepies were coming in and just loused everything up and made everything all nice and stuff.
So, so I I didn't recognize half those people, but Troubles was in the meeting and I thought he was actually dead or in jail. I hadn't seen him in years and here he was sober a couple years in alcohol and nons. I said, "Christ, he's sober." That's really the only reason I came back.
I man, I was just nuts. I would never say the prayer, you know. I need to tell I was just nuts.
I for I was wondering why everybody, you know, Johnny John Bartley Corn. I said, "Who's this guy?" I was wondering why everybody's blowing this guy's anonymity. I I I wouldn't want to tangle with him.
You know, he's a pretty tough guy. When I found out who John Barley was, I felt so stupid. But here I was so damn bright, it damn near killed me.
I mean, I was just nuts. I was goofy. No one asked me to be their sponsor.
No one wanted what the hell I had. I didn't carry the message. I carried the disease.
You know, in my early recovery, like my first couple years, I used to go to like a lot of gentleman's clubs, right? But but I drank soda. That was okay.
And I I would get my picture taken with the entertainer, right? And I would come to the meetings and pass the pictures around to the old-timer because I know they would like that. They would look at the picture and look at me and they would just shake their head and said, "Please, kid.
Please keep coming back." And I thought they and I thought they were being facicious. I said, "All right, I'll keep coming back." I mean, I was just nuts. I swear to God.
After the meeting, everyone would go to the diner, but I made sure I got invited. And I would I would wait around. You guys talking.
I didn't care if you was talking. I would have chewed in your com. I'd be standing right there.
And they said, "Bobby, we're going to diner. You want to go?" I said, "Nope. God forbid you didn't invite me." Man, I hated you for weeks.
But I never went with these guys, but I wanted to make sure I got invited. Bob, you want to go? I said, "No, I'm not going." You know, it was just nuts.
I mean, that's how goofy I was. I made a lot of meetings. I'll tell you the worst meeting to make was Sunday night after retreat.
I'd be in a meeting like Friday. So, you know, I said, "Where the hell's everybody at?" Saturday, like half the group is gone. Sunday night, here they come floating in.
Everyone's I never left the meeting. I guess that's a good training I had. I never left the meeting.
I said, "Ah, Christ, this is horrible." And all these guys, you know, they're glowing. And I said, "Ah, man." They came up to me one time after meeting. And they said, "Bobby, are you working this weekend?" Before I knew it, I said, "No." I knew that was too late.
I wish I would have pulled the words back in. They said, "Listen, we're going on a retreat with this weekend and we're going to take you with us." Now, I need to tell you, I'm making fun of these guys, but the truth is they were really good men. They really were.
They're putting the hand of AA out there and I'm slapping it away. You know, they they really tried and and I tried hard to keep them at bay. I mean, that's just how nuts I was.
So, uh, I go on this retreat Friday afternoon. It's funny. They throw me in the back seat.
I got a big guy on each side of me. It's like ro reversal because at work when I drove, you were in the back seat, but here I'm in the back seat with a big guy on each side of me. It's a Friday afternoon.
The closer we get to the retreat house, the bigger the knot gets in my stomach. Like what? I I can't tell these guys about my mom.
See, I knew that I was sober long enough in Alcoholics Anonymous, I knew that you couldn't get kicked out. But I also was sober long enough in Alcoholics Anonymous and knew that not everyone was always greeted as one way the next person for one reason or the other. just my experience, you know, and what would these guys think about my mom if I think about me if I told them what happened to my mom?
And but the need for me to be accepted by these guys outweighed anything else. And the closer we got to the retreat house, the bigger the knock got in my stomach. We got in the treehouse and it's a Friday afternoon.
It's about 4:30, 5:00. They said, "Bobby, when we we want to show you the retreat master." All right, come on. Let's get this over with.
They walk me down this long hallway. They knock on this door. The guy says, "Come in." And I go in, he's my disciplinarian from high school.
He stands up, he gives me a smile, and he hugs me and he says, "How you doing?" I said, "Good, father. How you doing?" But not only was my disciplinarian, but he was a longtime member at Alcohawks Anonymous. He wants to know how long I'm sober.
So, I'm giving him the 411, you know, where I go to meetings and things like that. Tell him the deal. And he says, "That's great." He said, "Who's your sponsor?" I said, "I don't have one." See, I'm a pretty bright guy.
He knew that. He knew I was a bright guy. He said, "I strongly suggest you get a sponsor." I said, "Okay." So I asked my roommate to be my sponsor.
God forbid should I ever be questioned again. Bobby, who's your sponsor? There he goes.
That's my sponsor. And the only time I talked to this guy when I accidentally bumped him in the meetings and I would see him in meetings, he would wave to me, Bobby, I still got that same phone number. I said, yeah, yeah, I'll give you a call.
I never called the guy. You know what I used to do? I used to tell people, you won't believe this guy.
He wants me to do this. He wants me to do that. He did nothing of the sort.
I made it up. He put the hand of AA out there. I slapped it away in character assassin.
They got a boot. That's how nuts I was. I hated everybody.
But you know, I hated the most, like I said, I hated the guys coming behind me because at this point, I'm two years sober and I see these people coming in behind me. Now, at this point, if you tell me that you're 7 10 years, okay, I believe you. I've been around for two and I known you for two.
So, I I'll spot you the other five. You're telling the truth. But, but I I see these other guys coming in behind me and they're getting better before me.
And I saw these people come in and they're crazy as bed bugs. And I see them get better in front of me. I hated them the most.
this is about time. Where's mine? You know, the reason they got better first, they was willing to take some action that I was refusing to take.
You know, and the truth was I was consumed by fear. Serene people scared the hell out of me. I never had the courage to do the right thing.
I always hid behind the badge or hid behind the bottle. My second anniversary came, I didn't celebrate it. One month after my second anniversary, I wanted to eat my gun.
The same pathetic feeling I have 25 months before, but 25 months before, I'm loaded with drugs and alcohol. Here I am, stone cold, sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I want to eat my gun. Safe to assume my life was unmanageable.
I'm at a Friday night meeting. I see Troubles. I go up to him.
I said, "Bobby," cuz he didn't like to be called Troubles and he was big enough. He He called him whatever he wanted to be called. I go up to him afterwards.
I said, "Bobby," I said, "I need some help." I said, "Would you be my sponsor?" He looked at me. He said, "Bobby, I've been watching you these past couple years." And I'm sticking my chest. I said, "Yeah, he likes me." He says, "I need to tell you." He said, "You're full of That's not the reaction I'm looking for." He said, "I'm going to be your sponsor under certain conditions.
A, you're going to call me every single day. You're going to go to a big book meeting a week. You're going to go to staff meeting.
You're going to go to a men's meeting. You're going to get yourself a coffee commitment. And you'll leave them damn women alone." And I'm saying to myself, who's he talking to?
I'm 25 months sober. I'm selling the grape vines. Like I got it going on here.
So, but what I did do, I looked him in the dead in the eye. I said, "That's okay. That's what I'm willing to do." And that's the night that I took the first three steps and alcohol anonymous.
We went back to his house. He introduced me to the big book. He said, "Bob, you don't know nothing about this.
So, just shut up and listen." I said, "Okay." And uh and that's okay to talk to people. At least in my case, I needed a guy like that because if you were nice to me, I'd run circles around you. And so, uh, we went through the first two steps and then we got to the step three and we got our knees together and we said this third step prayer.
Believe me, that was uncomfortable. But after we got done saying the prayer, we stood up. He said, "Bobby, with the way we do a third step, we pick paper and pen up and do a fourth step." I said, "Whoa, whoa, easy does it.
Let's keep it simple." You know, I mean, I was, you know, I don't I don't want to do one of these. I'm going to means and people say, "Oh, I'm doing a fourep. I feel like going out." You know, I want to eat my gun.
You can't get no further out than that. You know, so I did my four step. It was no big deal.
Everything I wrote down, I did. That's not a big deal. That next step, the fifth step, that's a big deal.
But I'm a bright guy. I got this figured out. I called my sponsor up.
I said, "Bobby, I'm going to retreat this week. I'm going to do my fist with that priest." He said, "Bobby, that's a great idea. When you get done, stop by my house so you can do it with me." And you know, sometimes you're on the phone.
I said like like you're deaf. Do you hear what I said? But before I could say something smart, he said, "Bobby, my job is your sponsor." He said, "This is a journey.
The next two steps are six and seven character defects. If I'm going to help you with them, I think I need to know what they are, even though I have a pretty good idea." And he hung up on me. Now, I need to tell you the reason I want to do the fifth step was not to be uh spiritually enlightened.
I still hate God. I still hate the church. I got it on the list, but I the the hate is still there.
The real reason I want to go with this priest because you know why? There was a lot of things on my inventory that I was embarrassed about and I was afraid to go to my sponsor for the fear that he would ridicule me. He would pass judgment or even worse he would break the confidence and tell somebody else.
That is the only reason I want to do with that priest which tells you my fearless wasn't quite done. I never did that fist with a priest. I did that with my sponsor and he did none of those things.
He did not ridicule me. He did not pass judgment. And to the best of my knowledge, he never told another person what I disclosed to him.
In fact, what he did, he shared some of his experience with me, which took away the terminal uniqueness in which had haunted me for many years. And I'll be forever grateful for him doing that. See, he had taken someone's life in the 60s and had gone to prison for that.
And that's not why I asked him to be my sponsor. I asked him to be my sponsor because I saw him in the neighborhood. It wasn't the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I saw him in the neighborhood. He had a glow about him. You know, he had friends who were women and treated them with dignity and respect.
He carried himself. He was a man of integrity and honor. That's why I asked him to be my sponsor.
When we got done the fifth step, I'm about to leave. She said, "Whoa, whoa, where you going?" So, you have to sit quietly for that hour. I never sat quietly in my life.
That's why when I go to meetings, I never participate in the meeting. Only if the meeting was calm and serene. I got my hand up because I was uncomfortable to then I would share my insanity to get the room goofy.
Then I'd be comfortable, you know, I'd sit back and watch the show. So I sat down for that. He had a quiet room set up in his house.
He lived by himself and he had a second room that they set as a quiet room. And I sat there quietly and I can only share my experience. First of all, I didn't nod off and I must have been a little bit more than an hour because he actually knocked on the door.
And uh the only thing I can say is at this point I'm sober probably about 33 32 33 months. The screaming inside stopped. Now that might not sound like a lot, but believe me, for me it was a tremendous relief because my head was always racing.
I was uncomfortable with people. I just because I wasn't doing the deal. I was abstaining from alcohol and that's all I was doing.
I wasn't doing anything else. You know, we didn't burn my fourth step when we did the fifth step because he told me I wouldn't need it for the rest of the steps. Six and seven character defects.
I didn't know what these were. I knew when I drank that I was a character. found out when I did my inventory that I had no character whatsoever.
I thought I was a great uncle because of family functions, you know, because I would buy my nephews and nieces gifts, you know. I thought I was the greatest cop in the world. I thought I I thought a great deal of myself.
I did my inventory there. It was black and white. I wasn't a good uncle because I missed key family uh uh events.
And when I did show up, I was, you know, three sheets in the win anyway and I would embarrass people. I I wasn't trustworthy. I wasn't reliable.
I wasn't honest. I wasn't dependable. I was known to those things and you know I tell people I didn't have a spiritual awakening I had a root awakening and when that stuff hits you and we write that down for a reason because you see that in black and white you say damn you know take home to look at yourself because I didn't burn my four step half my astep was already done and I had to throw more names down there and I was one of these guys that said I never harmed anybody but myself when I went to eighth or nineep meetings that should have been the tip off I never did my inventory because when I did my inventory I found out I harmed everybody I came in contact with And unfortunately, those closest to me the most got harmed the most.
And I'd like to share two quick experiences on my ninth step. I'm at a meeting about 15 16 years ago. I see this guy walk down the steps.
I have not seen this guy since 1977. He is not on my Astep. Not for any fear or know any reason.
I just plain forgot. They say more will be revealed. As soon as I recognized the guy coming down the steps, I recognized him right away.
But he did not recognize me. We used to drink together. He was a big guy.
I used to like to fight big guys. I don't know why I wasn't good at it, but I did it anyway. And so one day we had words and he kind of backed down.
So from that point on, whenever I want to press anybody how tough I was, I would publicly humiliate this guy. And I'm not a tough guy. I never was.
And I started like the verbal taunts. I called him names. And one day I slapped him with an open hand.
I mean, that's pretty embarrassing for a guy to do another guy. He didn't do nothing. And then one day I spat upon him.
I mean, what worse other degragation than spitting on another human being? You talk about the utter contempt for somebody and he didn't do nothing. And I recognized him right away.
I got introduced to speak. He was sitting in the second row. I looked him dead in the eye.
I stood up and said, "My name is Bobby Cole and I'm an alcoholic." Now, I need to take a quick moment and tell you why I use my full name. I know these traditions are top streakers, so we won't be getting into them this weekend. You know, you you need like a security clearance and god forbid the 12 concepts.
But the traditions I love the traditions and a lot of them are misunderstood and no more sold in this 11 tradition. All of a sudden we get sober. It's like we join the mafia.
You know, there's Jimmy the coat and John the Brick and Pepsi George and Frank the Fox and Bucktooth Mary and Red Sweater Jerry. I mean, come on. You know, I don't want anybody know I'm sober.
Everybody in my neighborhood know is a Stark Raven lunatic drunk. It was those little telltale signs. They come outside, they catch me, I'd be urinating on their car.
My My girlfriend tore the clothes out of the house. I'm slump behind the wheel of my car. Every God forbid everyone knows I'm a drunk.
God forbid my reputation should be tarnished by going alcohol synonymous. 3:00 in the morning, you feel like drinking. You call information.
Yeah, I'd like to have Frank the Fox's phone number. You want to visit one of these beloved old-timers? Yeah, I'm here to see Jimmy the Coat.
Go to a hospital, try to find somebody. The 11th tradition is real clear. Personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
That means you will never see my face clearly identified followed by my full name, which is Robert Ignatius Benedict Coyle III. I ought to end my story right there. Right.
Followed by the statement is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. You wouldn't see that in the television or on the newspaper on the radio. That would be a violation of the 11 tradition.
Dr. Bob said once said, and it's I was always told to site the source. So, this is in Dr.
Bob and the good old-timers. One of my favorite books right after the big book. Dr.
Bob said when one drunk is anonymous from another drunk that is a violation of the 11 tradition. He went on to say that anonymity is spiritually inspired and secrecy is fear inspired. This is not a secret society and we should not be secret from each other especially for those who get involved in service.
Especially for those who get involved in service whoever use our full names. However, I have no right to break your anonymity. If you choose not to use your full name, then I respect that.
That's none of my business. So, I looked this guy dead in the eye. I said, "My name is Bobby Ku.
I'm an alcoholic." Then he recognized me. He's he started nodding. When I got done speaking, see, I was always told making amends is much more than saying I'm sorry.
Because for me, they're two words that don't mean squat, you know. And for me, it's easy to make amends if I owe you money. I go in my pocket, I pay you.
If not, if it's a large sum of money, I go in a payment plan. But what about the emotional damage or the psychological damage? How do I make amends for that?
I was told that I sit down and have conversations with people. I tell them what I did. And from that point on, I don't engage in that behavior anymore.
And I resume whatever responsibility that I given up before due to the drink. For instance, I become a son again. I sit down with my father and I talk to him.
But from that point on, I become a son. I'm supposed to be act like a son. So I thought if I publicly humiliate the guy, the least I could do is make amends to him publicly.
It wasn't a grand sin. So I told the group what I did to this guy. He came up and he hugged me.
It was incredible experience. And after the meeting, we start talking. I said, "Bob, I haven't." His name was Bob, too.
You know, I hadn't seen him in years. I said, "Bob, how you doing?" He said, "Bobby, I'm sober. Three years in Alcoholics Anonymous." I said, "Get out of here." Now, the arrogance creeps in because everybody in that gay in Philadelphia knows me.
I'm not saying that they like me, but they know me because I'm involved in service, you know. I said, "I never seen you before." And I need to tell you, I live in South Philadelphia. The meeting we were at was in North Philadelphia, the Dayby-Day group, and where he lived was in Roxboro, which is considered like Northwest Philly.
I said, "Bob, I haven't seen you before." I said, 'What makes you come here because this is a meeting he and I normally would not go to. He said, "Bobby, I was slipping through the meeting directory tonight and I just wanted to go to a different meeting." And for some reason, this meeting just jumped out at me. Our meeting directory is 80 pages thick.
We have 1,600 meetings a week in Philadelphia. I am a firm believer that my God put that guy in my path and I could do two things. I could do what I did or I could do what I always did.
See, the nice thing about having eight brothers and sisters in a 10ear span, there's always a close resemblance. And people would come up to me and say, "Hey, you son of a I remember you." I said, "No, you got me confused. You're talking about my brother Brian or my brother Sean, not me." You know, so uh here, you know, here I made the amends and and it was an incredible experience.
On the flip side, for a while, my home group was the Stepping and Stones group of Philadelphia. I was at a business meeting a Sunday morning. It was definitely uh I made a motion.
It was definitely for the betterment of AA. It had to be since I made it, you know, no question about it. A funny thing happened.
I never seen this happen before. Every motion gets seconded. I don't care how crazy it is, but for no other reason, you just feel sorry for the poor guy making it.
I mean, the only exception I can understand is someone says like, I make a motion that on the last Friday month we have six packs. I mean, I could see that not getting passed, but you know, everything else gets at least seconded for, you know, for no other reason. You don't want to embarrass the guy.
While I'm in a meeting, not only does my motion not get seconded, but my boy Freddy's in the room and like we're making eye contact like hand up, you know, like I'm going in the fits or something, you know? And I grew up in a neighborhood there were certain rules. I mean, right, wrong, or different, you always had your boys back.
I mean, it didn't matter whether he got beat up over it, but you you and him could discuss that later. But you always had your boys back. Okay, you know, if I liked you, I thought you was cute.
But I said, you know, you dated Frankie back in high school. I can't talk to you. I mean, there was just certain rules in the neighborhood.
You did that. Your loyalty meant a lot, and you always had your boy's back. Freddy, I I couldn't believe it.
I mean, we're making eye contact. My motion does not get seconded. It goes down in flames.
I would come to the group afterwards. I see everybody in the group, including Freddy. I would never say hi to this guy again.
There could be four guys at the table. Hey fellas, how you doing? And I wouldn't talk to Freddy.
Freddy would even say, "Hey, Bob." I wouldn't even acknowledge him. I was at work one day and my coworker came up to me. He said, "Bobby," he said, "Freddy Wheels is outside.
He want to take care of some sort of business." I peakedked out the window. I saw him. I said, "Tell him to take his fat ass down to City Hall.
He can't do that here." A couple weeks later, that same coworker called me up. He said, "Bobby," he said, "Freddy Wheels died last night." And he said, "The reason I'm calling you is because he always spoke so highly of you." As God is my judge, I cannot tell you what that motion was about. That's how petty it was.
And I just assumed once I got off my high horse, I would take my good old time and make an amends to Freddy. And the moment that that my coworker told me, he said, "Bobby, because he always spoke so highly of you, I felt about you big." See that that the key word in that nine st nin step is wherever possible. I used to thought that said whenever possible.
Whenever is time, wherever is place. For me, it's never the right time cuz I'm too busy as he does it. Here he was, a guy placing my pass numerous times and I didn't make amends and I paid the price.
So that's two experiences on the ninth step. The 10 step for me is 4 through9 on a regular basis. Now, if I'm standing up here and tell you I do a 10step every day, that's not true.
But I'm pretty good with it three, four, five, six times a week. And but sometimes whenever I try to stay sober on yesterday's sobriety, I always pay that price. The nice thing is I'm able to laugh at myself now.
And I think that's a gift in sobriety. I love hearing laughter, you know. But it's funny, you know, I mean, uh, and every time I get in the jackpot, if I'm really honest with myself, I'm at fault, you know.
So, uh, and I always used to say, if I'm not practicing these principles on a daily basis, no one knows but me. That's not true either because not when I'm when I'm not practicing these principles, I operate in nitwit mode. And when I operate in nitwit mode, should you cross my path, you two are affected.
you know, the 11 step forth. Uh, you know, I pray and meditate on a daily basis. I don't want to tell anybody the way I pray and meditate cuz you know what?
I I really don't want to insult anybody. And up to this point, I've been giving you my personal experience. I'm about to give you my opinion, which I very rarely do.
I think that's what the hospitality room is for. But, uh, I'm about to give my opinion. This is why I believe Alcoholics Anonymous is so successful because it just gives us many suggestions on the way to pray and meditate.
I'm glad there is no particular way to pray and meditate because if there were, I would not be here today because of the the the the misdirected resentment I had towards God and church. Uh I would not been able to embrace that idea. So, I'm glad you guys gave me the freedom to explore these past 19 years different ways on how to pray and meditate.
And the way I do pray and meditate, I've been doing for the last seven years. I'm comfortable with it, but I don't want to tell you how I do it for the sole reason. I don't want to insult anybody.
There may be someone here who had the same feeling I had when I first came in aa the 12th step. Haven't had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. I've had the spiritual awakening.
Now I haven't seen any burning bushes or lightning bolts or heard any voices. And in fact it's been a number of years since I heard any voices at all and I'm truly grateful for that. But I had the spiritual experience the spiritual awakening.
I didn't had experience Bill had. I didn't see the light but but I I had that change of attitude as a result of doing the steps. We tried to carry this message.
That's the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have been to thousands of meetings since I've been sober and I hear some crazy things. I got to scratch my head and look up the slogans to make sure I'm in an AA meeting.
That's the message. But the most important thing is to practice these principles in all my affairs. I'm only in AA and a half a day.
What about the other 22 and 1/2 hours? What about the time in the job or the time in my neighborhood or the time with my family where it's tough to do the right thing? you know, uh, so that's what I for me it's easy to stay sober in a meeting and I could quote literature and I can sound real good, but for me the real deal comes doing it outside the rooms and that's what I'm supposed to do.
I make mistakes. I don't want you to think that I'm the poster boy of Alcoholics Anonymous because I'm certainly not. You know, making mistakes is not going to get me drunk.
What will get me drunk is the arrogance of defending those mistakes or justifying those mistakes. That's what will get me drunk. I mean, I'm just a regular guy from the neighborhood trying to do the right thing.
And sometimes I fall short. But you know what? That's what it is.
You know, it's trial and error. I mean, you know, the the deal is to learn from that and try to change my behavior. You know, I then got involved in service and I learned about the traditions and I love the traditions.
The traditions are what to the group, but the steps are to the individual. You hear the steps are how it works and the traditions are why it works. I got very involved in service.
I was going places and things were pretty cool. 1993, I got diagnosed with lung cancer. It was a real fluke way away.
I found out I was actually I wanted to run the uh the Boston Marathon. And to run Boston, you need to qualify. So, I was actually training to do the Marine Corps Marathon and I got uh you know, I just just something wasn't right.
And so, I actually went to go get checked out cuz I taken a tumble about a month prior. My shoulder was hurting. So, I went to go get checked out.
I got diagnosed with lung cancer. It was a tumor that was growing. That was the pain I had never smoked in my life.
I'm a little over reefer, but that don't count. I ain't never smoked a cigarette. I I never smoked a cigarette in my life.
So, I went to go get a second opinion and got confirmed. I said, "Man, I don't want you to think I handled this well because I didn't." In fact, actually, what happened when I got the news, I actually got sick. Physically, I got sick.
And so, I went through, you know, I went through treatment and I bounced back pretty quickly. Then I really got sick, you know, chemo. I had I actually had surgery.
I had the lower left lobe, my lung removed. I always made meetings. I mean, with 1,600 meetings a week, there's no excuse not to make meetings.
And I couldn't make meetings. After I got out of the hospital, I was laid up in the house for a number of weeks. And people start coming to my house to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'm just not talking about my friends. I'm talking about people that I met at the area assembly that I may have met once. People I never met before.
Somebody else was bringing friends to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. You're looking at a liar, thief, and a cheat I took from everyone. The only thing I gave was heartache and misery.
And people carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to a guy like me, you know. I'm a firm believer that my doctors did a pretty good job, but it was the prayers in AA, you know, and I've been in and out. I haven't had any treatment in about two and a half years and kind of glow in the dark and unfortunately I gained a couple pounds, but you know, I do pretty good today.
You know, when I first got diagnosed after a while, I thought I may had an excuse to go out and get loaded. You know, but I didn't have a reason to go out and get loaded because I got exposed to Alcoholics Anonymous. I got exposed to a way of life that I was beyond my wildest dreams, you know, and uh so because I made regular attendance meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, I see some men and women go through some terrible things their own through no fault of their own and they got through it without picking up a drink, one day at a time, you know.
Uh it's just a wonderful way of life, you know. A few things and I'll finish up. I was in Mexico about uh 16 years ago.
I thought I could speak Spanish because I used to work in the bario, you know, and I would go up to people and my Spanish was like dame pastola, which means give me your gun. That was my Spanish. So, I'm in this Spanish speaking meeting.
I'm the only English speaking guy there. And these people, I'm thinking I'm speaking Spanish. These people look, what the hell is he saying, you know?
So, I switched over to English because I didn't think I wanted to insult anybody. And you know what? And they still didn't understand.
But you know what? They came up after the meeting and they hugged me. And I could tell who the old-timer was by the serenity in their face.
And I could tell who the new guy was by the pain in their face. You know what? They may not have understood, but you know what?
They understood. Language of the heart. You know, it's incredible experience.
If you're new, I always say these controversial remarks for the end. If you're new, I don't wish you well. Uh, excuse I don't wish you luck.
Luck got nothing to do with it. I wish you well. Get yourself a home group.
Get yourself a sponsor. If your sponsor hasn't done the steps, you know what? He got no business sponsoring you.
You know, I always use the analogy because the neighborhood I grew up, it's like the building trades. Everybody in my neighborhood want to get a union card. You know, that was a sign of success, right?
Well, in the union, in the building trades, let's say if you're an electrician, uh your first year, you're an apprentice. Four days a week, you work, you go to school one day a week, and then at the end of four years, you become a journeyman. The same thing in Alcoholics Anonymous.
The new guy is the apprentice. You hook yourself up with a journeyman, and the journeyman takes you through the steps, and then you get the message. See, our preamble says, "Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
If I'm only staying sober and not helping other people, then that's h, you know, half measures and half measures value us nothing. You got to give it away in order to keep it. I mean, we have a statement.
I am responsible. When anyone anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand a the hand of a to always be there. And for that, I'm responsible.
I can't worry about what you're doing. Every person in this room has a gift. It may be different than the person sitting next to you, but it's your gift.
You need to find out what it is. I mean, some of us have time where we can get involved in a central office or we can get involved in the area. Some of us can't do that.
There's various 12step committees. I know corrections aren't for everybody, but some really great work. But if you can't do that, there's PI, public information.
There's CPC. That's not PCP. That's CPC.
Cooperation with professional community. Taking a professional student to an open AA meeting. So for one day when they're practicing their profession, whether they're physicians or doctors, uh doctors or priests or whatever it may case may be, they know how to refer one of their patients or parishioners to an AA meeting.
Some great work out there. this conference this is 12step work you know it's a wonderful way of life you know uh and uh I thank you for the privilege of participating in a meeting that's all I got thanks >> thank you for listening to sober sunrise if you enjoyed today's episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great