welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker hello I’m Brendan I’m an alcoholic uh I just want to uh start off just saying thank you so much uh steiny picking us up at the airport making that easy um Thor uh hosting us putting us up terrific house awesome um and gooner are helping out putting this all together and meeting us up uh meeting up with us and uh I know probably T TN their names terrible you have forgive me I’ll slaughter them uh I know no Icelandic not even swear words so sorry um and John uh met us up there at akarui did I say that right oh got one right anyways um so my sobriety date is October 18th 1991 um I I’m not that old I did get sober young uh but we’ll get to that um so I just want to start off off uh really talking about where I came from and uh you know kind of the the family and the household where my uh where a lot of this started and I’ll be clear up front that my family isn’t the reason I’m an alcoholic circumstances didn’t make me an alcoholic but I think it is important to talk about some of that stuff and where I came from because recovery isn’t just about physically getting sober right separated from alcohol sobriety really is about beyond that what happens after you stop drinking when you’re sitting in the rooms and your head’s spinning and you’re going crazy and you’re sitting there at night wondering God am I ever going to not wish I was dead you know and going to meetings going this is supposed to work this is not going to work you know seriously right you know and uh sometimes going to meetings and feeling worse than when you first came you know and wondering if this is the solution I’m screwed and uh so with my family uh come from a large Irish Catholic Family I have four Brothers No Sisters um we didn’t have any girls in my family until I started having kids uh for like 75 years we used to joke that we assimilated women into the family uh there’s nothing but daily boys there was never daily girls um we married you into the family if it was going to happen so um my uh my family though on the outside and the reason I talk about it we all come from different backgrounds um different households sometimes things things look crazy on the outside and they are crazy on the inside mine was a little bit like that but everything looked really good on the outside I mean really good on the outside everything looked like it was normal my dad was an attorney he was a Notre Dame Graduate University of Notre Dame law school in Iowa um it was a City attorney in the city I grew up in Redmond Washington um which you guys might know that place from Microsoft it’s where Microsoft headquarters is in Redmond Washington um so that’s why I grew up and uh my dad was a my dad was a drinker and my dad would come home from long days at the office he had these mug uh these little glass jars these little scotch glasses and stuff and uh he would throw in a couple ice cubes he’d throw in a little bit of scotch he’d start drinking and with Dad you didn’t know what you’re were going to get it was either happy go-lucky drunk or the evil violent drunk and you really didn’t know which one you were going to get so as a precaution you pretty much we just kind of HIIT we just would go to our separate rooms or separate areas we’d leave just get away because things usually didn’t go well with Dad when he once he got home the thing I didn’t realize is that my dad had been drinking throughout the day when he was coming home he was just putting a Topper on it right topping off um I thought he had just taken a little bit to me it looked like he just drank a little bit and got that loaded um one of my first memories when my dad was uh waking up in the middle of the night to my mom crying and screaming and my dad uh going by my doorway with my mom by the end of her hair uh like a caveman dragging her down into the bedroom and throwing her around and beating her and telling her cuz she made a mess in the bathroom um and just was just berading her up one side and the other and uh and I didn’t know what to think about that you know I was 5 years old I just sat there clenched and um the next thing I know I woke up in the morning I was still tense and I remember going out in the kitchen and there’s my dad with his briefcase his three-piece suit he was getting ready to go to court that day a normal day mom had eggs and bacon and pancakes going and uh and my mom you know my dad was like all right see you later honey okay have a good day work you know honey and a little kiss and goodbye like nothing happened like nothing happened and I’m just thinking did we not just have like wild caveman fighting crazy stuff last night you know like I’m pretty sure I was there you know and uh but I’m 5 years old I don’t know so I’m just sitting there I’m just you know in shock you know eating like okay this is I guess this is what we do with life if something like that happens we just shove it away we just it doesn’t happen if we don’t think about it it never happened and so I learned these tools early on we just shove it down we just bottle it up we bottle it up and the problem with that is that if you are even if as a kid it doesn’t matter it’s not easy to it’s not hard to see that keeping those kind of huge emotional traumatic events just bottled up inside eventually just gets tighter tighter at some point it’s going to blow and my brothers there’s a lot of violence there my brothers uh starting when I was about four I used to sit downstairs and they they’d throw punches at me and teach me how to fight and they’d say always hit them twice and twice as hard and they they train me right like basically the the training was try to stop us from kicking your butt uh if you’re successful you’re getting better uh if not well you’ll be crying so uh you know that’s pretty much how training went you know and uh and so when I’d walk home from school my brothers would say see that kid up there go punch him in the face and I’d be like what you know like punch him in the face we’re going to punch you I’m like oh my God I don’t want to punch him in the like punch okay so I go up and I remember I remember going up with this kid and I’m I’m so sorry he’s like why like for this you know and I punch him to the face and he’s crying and I’m crying and I feel terrible and I run around the other Street goes up and I I’m hiding in the bushes and there he is my mom’s out gardening flowers you know it’s a beautiful day and are you my mom’s oh are you okay this little boy say are you friend DA’s mother and yes he punched me let looks over and there I am in the bushes kind of sneaking around I’m not very good at it he like you know I’ve never been good at hiding and uh you know Bron get over here and you know whoop my butt you know maybe apologize and all that and uh that’s kind of how I grew up you with my brothers it was a lot of violence and uh it was used to I mean it was not abnormal to to run around the house and and I was number four out of five so they were bigger than me so I grabb a fire poker you know and I just start swinging it at him you know anything to keep keep him away and I I started grabbing butcher knives and this one time my brother Brian started to run for me cuz I grabed a butcher knife and when we did that I wasn’t joking around it wasn’t just like dramatic like oh butcher knife it was like I’m going to kill you you know and me meaning it and I remember he went around the couch and I hued that thing and it went butt over tip butt after tip and it just just when he ran to the couch he went right behind his head just po hit the wall and uh if I had backed it out it would have just stabbed him right in the head I mean it was one of those throws like I couldn’t have done it a million times I could throw it a million times and wouldn’t have done that that time it was perfect and it landed in that minute I was so scared I just remember when I let go I thought all I could think of was like oh my God that’s a perfect shot you know and uh it was it was perfect you know and uh and he rounds the couch and in that moment you hear it goes boom and Brian looks looks back at me really quick it’s a moment of opportunity and I look at him I’m like that’s right I’ll kill you you know I was scared to death but see in my family you capitalize on anything like that to put Security in front of you that kept me safe do you see what I’m saying like my tools for living was this actually was not a bad thing these things were things that allowed me to feel safe and protected cuz if I if people thought I was crazy and psychotic they wouldn’t come to near me And if they didn’t come near me you can’t hurt me and I’m safe I have a natural instinct in my human nature that says I need to be safe I need to find security it’s just completely twisted and it’s warped and it’s just it won’t bring me any won’t bring me any Unity with you it will bring me disunity with you and when I’m in disunity with you I’m not in unity with God and when I’m not in unity with God I’m dying on my own even when I’m surrounded by a thousand people in a room of alcoholic annonymous I’m dying I’m unbelievably lonely but you wouldn’t know it you would not know it and uh the first time I ever drank first time I got it done um I stole a bottle of mcot whiskey from my friend’s uh my friend’s mom’s Pantry she came home in the house and took this bottle and put it up in the cupboard like she always does when she comes home from the liquor store and I remember I don’t know why but this thought just pops in my head Mike had to go back to his bedroom she had to go do something else and I was alone looking at this bottle and in my head it just said you should take that and go hide it in my head said yes that’s a good idea and I said okay it’s one of many ideas that happened that I shouldn’t have listened to right you know what started there you know and so what I did is I remember grabbed it I shoved it on my pants and I ran out the door I don’t know why they weren’t around but I shoved on my pants anyways and uh that’s what my head said to do and I ran out there and I put it in the bushes and then I ran back and I remember running back sprinting back and sitting down in the kitchen and she came out and it was just just in time cuz just about 10 seconds later she comes out and I’m sitting there and I’m cuz I’m dying so I just sprinted and sprinted back and and I was in good shape and uh you know and she she said uh she was looking around she grabbed her glass she’s didn’t I just did you see me put away the grocery yeah did you see a bottle there I’m like no then we she kept looking and then of course like we always do I tried to help her find it yeah right we never did find that bottle strange to say we never looked in my pants or the bushes so you know anyway so you know that would have been a good place for look anyway so never occurred to her and so anyway so Mike gets trouble she thinks he just stole it she’s blaming him yelling at him I know it was there she had the receipt and everything because it’s a separate receipt from the stores prior to recently we always had separate liquor stores they were separate now they’re in our grocery stores back then they were separate so she had her own receipt for it so she look and I’m like I don’t know and so I was told to leave so I left and a couple weeks later we’re sitting out at my friend’s house Joel in the summer and uh you know they said you got any alcohol I said yeah you know what actually I got a bottle so I ran and got it and I brought it up there and Mike was there actually that was the kids place where I stole the bottle from and Mike was there and I remember putting it out on the table and he goes you you it was you and I’m like hey sorry man that’s our that’s our early form of amends right like amends when you’re drinking looks like this a sorry bro you know and like whatever and uh you know and he was mad for like a second he’s like whatever let’s drink you know and uh so I grabbed these these glasses cuz I remember my dad had the had the had the routine right he had the ritual the glasses and I told him we need we need a shot glass we need I know we need that I didn’t know anything about drinking I knew we need a shot glass that’s about it and we didn’t have shot glasses I I ended up with this thing there’s these restaurants around us called Old Spaghetti Factory they’re not very good but they’re anyways they’re these tall uh glasses skinny ones and I just started pouring them one two two three four just Downing them Downing them Downing them and I’m I’m not I’m just holding this gasoline basically down on my belly I’m just holding it down and uh I remember I drank about I don’t know 18 of those or whatever it was but I basically drank in a rapid succession 34s of that bottle of whiskey and I’m sitting there and I’m pissed because my dad used to take some drinks I’d see him get something right away not knowing he’d been drinking all day long right and so I said this stuff doesn’t work unless I got the wrong stuff you know and uh but I’m pissed I’m like this stuff doesn’t work I can’t believe I just I just put myself through tasting that junk holding it my belly trying not to throw up and nothing even I didn’t even get any benefit you know and uh remember stepping up and it was this one step up to the next deck towards the door and it was just like in that 3 seconds it was like and I remember struggling to get these words out something happening now and I felt like you know the best way I can describe is when that alcohol goes down to your belly goes to the base of your spine slowly comes up your spine all the way up back of your neck top of your head you feel your scalp tingling and combs your hair back and you’re like woo you know it’s like you feel alive you know and I remember for the first time in my life you know what I felt like I actually felt like At Peace I felt at ease alcohol was a a solution to how I was feeling I was so tense and so wrapped up like this it was like a cork just had let loose it was like oh you know I could breathe for a minute I felt so good and then after about a minute maybe less than that I black out I don’t remember hardly anything I remember I was outside crying apparently I don’t remember this but I guess I was sobbing I wish I was like oh I was the awest drunk ever I was so cool you know but I was crying on the doorstep of this house cuz I couldn’t tie my shoes right I’m just like my shes I thought it was like 10 minutes apparently I was crying for an hour and the sister the older sister that lived there the boyfriend was the one that threw me out he was annoyed with me he like get this idiot out of here he threw he literally picked me up and threw me out thinking I would just wander off in the darkness and go away I did not move I couldn’t move I couldn’t go anywhere I just rolling around you know I can’t tell my you know and uh God so I’m walking around and uh they they have this bright idea let’s take her to Heather’s dad’s house he’s an alcoholic he’ll know what to do this makes sense to 13-year-olds okay so they’re taking me along they’re trying to help me and uh and my friend Mike who was still there with me helping me he was helping me and I was falling down so much I kept hitting my heads there was parked cars I was running into park cars and I was like I just couldn’t I could take a few steps and whack and they were trying to help me and I’d be good for a while and then I just I just fall down and they’d be like oh oh man oh I was getting hurt you know and Mike went in the garage and he came running back he stole a motorcycle helmet from somebody’s garage smart guy and uh he put this the he couldn’t be picky about sizes of helmets so he had an extra large helmet and uh and I’m 13 you know not much shorter than now what am I saying anyways so uh he puts this helmet on and it’s like almost out to my shoulders you know over them it’s like you know but uh but he puts this thing on and and uh you know when I was a kid they had these little toys Weeble wobbles right these little top heavy things you could move them around like a lot of fun I became a Weeble wobble because every time that thing went forward I would dive forward if it if it slid if the helmet slid to the right just they get me up i’ you know and I was just I was head diving everywhere but you know what I wasn’t getting hurt I had a helmet so they were like a he’s fine they just stand me up and I’d go for a little while and I’d crash and they just and I got the mask down so I can hear my own voice I think it’s the best thing on the planet I don’t know why that is for alcoholics we get drunk and we hear our voice we think it’s like oh my God it’s music we need to share it with the world you know and uh so I’m sitting there I’m like Luke use the force everything start men everything Star Wars more drunk I don’t know why that is either loud in Star Wars and uh so they’re like pulling up the mask going sh I’m like what they’re like put it back down cuz in my town after 9:00 p.m.

back when I was growing up at 9:00 p.m. everything’s dead there’s nothing everything everything’s dead there’s not a store open except for maybe a 24-hour convenience store nothing and I’m screaming you know it’s like 2:00 in the morning and they finally get me over by Heather’s dad’s house and right before we get into their their little uh street right there they had another Awakening and they said this might not be such a good idea you know and I can only imagine that would have been like you know hi we know you’re a town drunk this is our friend our friends wasted what do we do how would you like some kids coming to your door and your hideing your drinking hey we know you’re an alcoholic you’re screwed up what do we do with this guy you know and if you weren’t aware of it you would be then wouldn’t you um be no denying it at that point um so they get me back and they do what I call the drunk dump and the drunk dump goes like this you get your friend or relative or whoever the place they need to be and you escape before seeing being seen you just dump them off where they need to be and you’re out of there cuz if you’re associated with what’s going on and what’s happening it’s not to go well so my buddy Mike shoves me in the downstairs window of our house and just throws me in there and I kind of stumble in and I’m so loud he bails he goes later boom he’s gone and uh my brother Brian comes out and uh I had I had this girl on my mind from my school uh her name was Buffy literally the whole thing she was blonde welldeveloped beautiful and I was thinking about her apparently and uh Brian came out my older brother the one up for me number number three out of five I gave him a big I called him Buffy and tried to grope him and kiss him he did not appreciate that uh my feet stayed planted I bent all the way over the couch like Mary Len or you know like the gymnast you know just woo and they pull me back up and my mom comes down and she’s like you’re drunk Jim Jim yell to my dad your son’s drunk and my dad’s which one you know and swear to God you know and uh and I I got up there and I kind of recollect getting up there and I kind of was in and out you know and I remember being up there and I don’t remember this apparently I’ve had Buffy on my mind again my dad got close so I tried to grow up and kiss him and called him Buffy and went B you know and uh like I said I wish I was a better drunk but I was a slobbering whiny nasty stupid drunk you know just annoying you know the kind you had the babysit those guys suck you know and uh you know and I woke up in the morning and the thing about that is that’s my first time drinking ever my first night I I woke up feeling great you know that I did no hangover I was like woo all right that was oh oh I’m in trouble you know and uh I remember my dad having to talk with me and just said oh you got that out of your system well don’t do that again okay or at least don’t get caught you know and uh you know it’s like okay dad you know well he’s an attorney right so he’s thinking you know legal stuff and uh no one went to jail that night no one died nothing happened bad in my book right I had some funny stuff happen my friends told me about it and you know what be beond that though I felt like I could breathe for a minute and I the after that it was basically just go time by the time I was 14 I had stolen A a keg from the Battalion Fire Chief up the street um and we turned it in we and so I had my own Keg at 14 and uh I’m an organizer and uh I had a guy that was 21 and uh he would fill him he would get all the profit and I would drink for free it was a great arrangement I would call it a relationship was an arrangement you know and uh but I was married to alcohol from that point forward because all I could think about my mind all it thought about was man I can’t wait till the weekend I can’t wait till the Friday night kager let’s have one on Saturday too right and what would happen is during the week we would have the leftover alcohol and we’d store it because I was the one that owned it I’d store it and i’ go over there and i’ I’d drink stale beer you know I could I could pump the The Keg there and tap it and uh you know at at the time I was uh you know see was about yeah about 14 still by this time I progressed where I was drinking uh within a very very very short period of time I started drinking uh during the day um I started doing other things outside alcohol um that kind of helped um it was convenient cuz I could smoke it um but it also helped me control my alcoholism where I could drink more uh I found other things that allowed me to to continue my drinking um one of them you know one night I I’ll remember this is uh you know I I stole our car a lot my family we had a couple cars and one of them I stole a lot and I remember pulling up to this house and uh I opened the trunk and we were we’d steal liquor cabinets we’d go in people’s houses and uh while they slept well it’s better that way it’s convenient uh so they would be sleeping and we would go in and we would take the alcohol we put it in there and then we drive away and we’d have just just get get drunk I’m not even licensed yet you’re not allowed to drive where I’m at until you’re 16 um my first car wreck I’m at 14 years old um I was actually sober then well I wasn’t drinking uh and I crashed the family van my parents were on vacation I wasn’t even supposed to be in the house and I remember uh seeing the woman’s face in slow motion just she was like smiling waving at then she went to this you know the scared look and I just went bam I remember see in the glass and it was just like my heart I was like oh my God I my buddy behind me goes punch it I whoa we took off and uh and she was injured not not severely but she was injured her car was was not drivable I ditched the car I wiped it down I ran home in a path the cops don’t know um through the woods only a local person would really know that and uh and I got home so fast um they had police Runners cuz they’re trying to figure out if it was me they they had these two different routes and it would take too long to get to where we’re at cuz we ran through and got to my buddy’s house where I was supposed to be staying and then I ran to my mom’s house uh my parents before they got got home the next day and I I faked a robbery and uh and I covered up what I had done and this is the type of stuff I’m doing at 14 years old I’m already I’m conniving I’m I’m thinking of things like this I know how to cover my tracks um you know if they if I don’t get caught it doesn’t exist right if no one knows it’s okay you know and I’m burying the stuff down I’m burying the stuff down and I’m telling you that woman’s face it haunted me for a long time you know I mean a long time and uh I I won’t I’ll never forget the day when it finally came out and I just I finally just I I rarely cried but this I remember when that happened I just broke down I was like yeah it was me cuz I somebody else had found out somebody else had found out and somebody El cuz you know when you’re 14 you’re telling people you know and eventually it gets back you know it’s like no one’s good with Secrets um so it got back and my family confronted me and uh you know that was done and I remember sitting down with my dad at his law office and uh I remember him calling the police chief well actually it’s the it was the King County Sheriff cuz where it happened was in the county wasn’t in the city so U my dad was best friends with the police chief he was best friends with the mayor I grew up sitting on judge’s laps in Seattle and supreme court stuff uh for the local area um and so he knew lots of people and so my dad called him up and said hey you know whatever bill whatever his name was this is Jim Dy blah blah blah they were they knew each other he told him what happened and you know what um I wasn’t in AA yet I wasn’t in a men’s or anything like that but he told him what was going on and that he figured out what had happened and uh you know what I had no consequence because they’ already closed the file they’d already paid the lady the insurance had already paid she was already done it would have caused him more problems in paperwork than was necessary and he just said tell your kid he’s the luckiest 14-year-old all King County and he hung up and that was it that was the end of it at least I thought um funny how sponsorship changes some things um I did not like that stuff but anyways we’ll get to that so um you know that’s that’s all by the time you know I haven’t even gotone to my first Treatment Center you know this stuff’s happening you know and uh my brother Brian goes to treatment one day my parents were totally unaware he went to him and said look I got a real drinking problem I can’t quit he had his friend with him and that’s a lot for a kid to come to them with no he wasn’t in trouble nothing he just came to him and said look I got a real drinking problem I also got problems with cocaine and some other things you just start he just came clean with everything he just started listing everything he’ done and my mom’s just sitting there just sobbing and she’s like oh my God oh my God oh my God you know and uh so he goes to treatment and uh I remember my parents went away for a family weekend they call it and a family weekend is where they go away and they learned about the disease of alcoholism my mom went away my mom and by the time that weekend was done my mom came home and she was a different person and my mom was on a mission and when Mom gets on a mission it’s not always the best thing cuz Mom was yelling at me going I know what you’re doing I know I’m like what am I doing like hi welcome home you you know and uh you know I know you’re not swimming at the pool every day that’s not why your eyes are red and she’s you know like just berating me about all this stuff and I’m like uh-oh you know Jig Is up you know and cuz at that point she just saw what she wanted to see you know and that’s just how we were right let’s just look at the perfect family you know and uh at that point it’s like a bomb went off of my family you couldn’t deny where’s Brian I mean oh he’s taking some time off that wasn’t going to work you know he was he was young you know and uh so my brother Brian went to treatment he went to this thing called wild wilderness survival he comes home and I remember my brother Brian walking in my brother Brian had this look in his eyes I had never seen in my life and I can’t explain it actually freaked me out a little bit for the first time ever my brother looked at me and smiled and said hey Brendan it’s good to see you I I mean I looked at him and I just I literally took a step back and he he laughed he said it’s okay man I’m not going to hit you and I was just looked at I was like are you okay he was man yeah never better it’s really good to see you I love you and I was like whoa whoa don’t go to treatment you know kind of thing and uh and I gave him a big hug you know and I was like but it really freaked me out I mean I it really did you know and uh cuz we didn’t do that it was it was violence we communicated by violence silence and some other things you know and uh you know in my house it was like the pecking order in this ladder you know I was like older brother come home my dad come home yelled at somebody bam he’d hit somebody a lesser power power bam hit somebody lesser power bam all the way down to me I’d hit my little brother Kevin beat on him and then we’d find Kevin sitting there grabbing the dog’s hair going swear to God we hear the dog like what are you doing he’ be like poor poor freckles Britney’s been freckles committed suicide that’s a true story my dog had finally had enough she laid behind my mom’s car and let her run her over swear to God no don’t worry I’m over it uh I dug the grave I buried her my dog committed suicide I mean that’s pretty bad screw you humans I’m out of here you know and uh God poor freckles oh I love that dog she was such a good dog uh she took a lot of eatings I’m sorry it’s really not funny but it’s terribly funny I’m so sorry oh I could just see my little brother he’s oh God the redheaded psychopath you know and uh oh God anyways so uh oh man so uh you know he he goes to treatment and I don’t I don’t know how to deal with this kind of stuff and my reaction to that was the most bizarre thing I went to Tre I went I just felt like it’s was like I couldn’t I didn’t have any alcohol that day and I couldn’t I couldn’t put the lid on it and I was just going to explode and and what happened was like I was saying in school like people stayed away from me because I was a little guy but I was a little scrapper and I’m not not not a big guy you know but I’m just saying like I was crazy most of my fights were one punch just psychopath fights you know they’re just like bam knock them out later you know and that was it you know and this one guy came up to me after this and said he started starting some stuff with me I said not a good day dude not a good day he punched me in the face and I hit him and I broke his jaw and he dropped and uh it took two teachers um I blacked out I used to black out in fights I don’t understand why that they well they diagnosed me later don’t worry I’m safe now uh but they said I was M depressive bipolar with disassociated of whatever right I was on my way to a good case of sociopath you know Psychopathic Behavior but uh um it took two teachers to tackle me and take me down and uh and I didn’t know what was going on I didn’t know why my reaction to my brother going to treatment or any of that stuff and what was going on in my house and they suspended me for one day cuz they figured out what was going on at my house and everything was in turmoil and uh they let me come back um another guy uh another guy I will get into the menend stuff later but um you know I hit him and and knocked his teeth out and and uh it was 3 , 653 in damage I remember that cuz my dad let me know um emergency dental stuff and uh you know but that’s kind of how my life was going and and and uh I got busted one day one more time and this time it was that one that I just explained to you where I had that that uh that amount what they did is they created this law where if it was over a certain threshold um dollar-wise usually if you don’t hit him in the face and you just hit him in the body and they had to that much medical bills that meant they were in the hospital for a little while back then then um it wasn’t really designed for this one punch fight thing but because of the damage it put it at this class a felony they were trying to charge me with I would have got a lesser charge if I pointed a gun at him and said I was going to kill him put it in context for you right um and so I was looking at mandatory 6 months lock up uh the facility and uh my school took the time the teachers took the effort and uh they actually a ton of kids during fifth grade one day wrote letters on my behalf to the judge crazy you know and uh they said please don’t lock him up we know what’s going on you know and they wrote all these letters said look he’s a good kid he’s just to screwed up and they kind of explained some things to him and uh and it was I never expected that you know I didn’t expect anything and I remember going in there and he he gave me the 6 months suspended it and uh and I’d gone my dad said you should go to treatment you don’t count it as time served and so I did I went to my very first Treatment Center you know and I already gone to outpatient with my brother and hung out with him and uh but my only impact uh my only introduction to AA at that point was just kind of going to some meetings my first AA meeting ever was like eight guys in this little church in Redmond up in the upstairs and they all talked about stuff you know like this Grand I mean crazy stuff that I had even done yet and so I thought well I’m not as old as them they’ve done some crazy stuff they’ve had wives plural and divorced I’ve never even been married yet you know like these guys are way out there you know and uh I mean I’m 14 15 years old this isn’t going to work I’m not one of these guys I’m not one of these guys I got some problems but these aren’t this isn’t my people you know and uh so I go to treatment Lakeside milum recovery center part of that treatment is Wilderness survival so I go out there 21 days and Wilderness survival is basically I’m the only volunteer uh voluntary one um everyone else is from jails or you could sign your kids literally if your kids were bad you could sign this is crazy back then you could sign ownership basically custody of your kids over for this short-term period it was created by a lawyer and uh so they would come and get you in the middle of the night you’d wake up to these two big guys and they no joke man they would grab you and they put you in handcuffs they’d say you’re coming with us like Mom Dad you know and they you know like bye son we love you you know that kind of stuff bye Jimmy come back good you know and uh God that wasn’t going to happen you know but I I was in treatment so I was voluntary and I remember getting off the plane going they grabbed me by either arm when I got off the plane you know cuz when they they put you on the plane take the handcuffs off back then you can walk all the way in and then they you didn’t even know where you were going you know I knew cuz I was volunteer but these guys didn’t even know where they’re going like where am I going these guys are coming from LA from Louisiana all these crazy places and they didn’t even know they’re going to Bliss Idaho if you don’t where Bliss Idaho there’s like nothing and there’s like you’re flying in the middle of nowhere and there’s Sage Brush desert not a lot going on and uh Country Roads you know and uh didn’t even know where Idaho was I don’t think you know so we get there and I get grabbed off the plane I’m like I’m voluntary I’m voluntary sure are you know and uh literally they gra they take me in this white van we go out there we strip down it’s jail basically so we strip down we had to do the whole you know hair cough the whole thing and then they give us these clothes to wear for 21 days and uh we hike sun up to sun down every day sun up to sun down and every night I dig a shallow grave and every night I put rocks in there and I start my fire with bow drill friction and I build a little fire and I spread the coals and I bury the dirt so I can survive cuz if I didn’t do that I’d freeze to death cuz in the day it was okay but at night it got really cold it was High Plains desert and uh we were starving out there we got little rations like a cup of lentils rice uh flour oatmeal powdered milk six bilon cubes and some raisins right uh for a week There’s a week for you and uh so we’d make things like Ash cakes flour a little bit of water make it doughy throw some raisins you know and uh that was like we would trade with that stuff that was like gold grins were like were like gold and uh we would save up you know and uh be the Envy of the place you know and crazy it was like Lord of the Flies you know and uh yeah we were crazy and uh but yeah I got some I out there I learned a trap things so uh it’s all natural material so Cliff Rose Cliff bark you know wind it up make some thread I took a rock some sticks and and put it in there and twined it around anyways with a little raisin and the mouse came along and you know you get them and uh so you eat ate the mouse you you cut them you take his fur off and uh took us I just roast on my stick and ate it tastes like chicken with laugh taste the liver just in case you’re wondering um I don’t suggest doing the city but in the desert they’re very very clean they’re one of the cleanest animals I’m trying to convince you of eating mice I know but I don’t want to be alone uh eat mice with me please anyways we have we’ll have mice tasting after this to the right it’s an American tradition please I insist no uh even there they’re looking at me going so anyways so we get this medicine pouch and I had a rattlesnake vertebrae you know I put this thing in there and I don’t know these in Native American culture where where I’m from you don’t um you don’t tell people what’s in there it’s supposed to be like this thing like from the spiritual World kind of thing you put stuff in there and you don’t share what that is I didn’t know that I’m coming back yeah it’s Mouse pouch eat a mouse in Wilderness well I’m telling everybody you know right and uh and I come back from that thing you know and I’ve been in the desert for 21 days and now I found God you know and uh I’m come back to meetings and and uh and I’m going yeah you know I’m Mr spiritual now cuz I went to the desert and uh I got a mouse pouch it’s my little spirit animal you know and uh they start calling on me in meetings and I I got a nickname now cuz they start calling me me hey let’s hear from rap boy was like oh rap boy looking for rap boy you know and looking around looking for some hard hard dude you know rap boy you know so we’ who’d be called that you know like I’m I’m an alcoholic you know I’m 15 you know and uh but I’m talking like this you know cuz spiritual people I’m trying to emanate spiritual uality cuz I haven’t had a real spiritual experience but now I’m supposed to talk like this is spiritual so I’m like yeah I’m Brendan I’m an alcohol and uh thanks for calling on me I’m just so grateful and uh I went to uh Wilderness survival and ate a mouse that’s what’s in my mouse pouch seat and I had a I had a real spiritual awakening um it wasn’t from lack of food it wasn’t I didn’t eat peyote but I just it was just me and God in the desert Jesus did it for 40 days I did it in 21 you know I mean it was like this just this it was total BS it was spiritual make belief and I wasn’t fooling anybody I was I was fooling some of them and some of them come like oh I never thought I’d learned anything from a young kid oh you guys are usually full of crap you know but man you like really touched me dude like you’re like amazing thanks man keep coming back right what oh god man one day A Time brother I’ve now become the guru of Hilltop Fellowship Hall and this Hall was something to be proud of if you running that thing and it was a place for us to go it was a place where things were louder in the meetings than they were in my head because this head was so loud with crap going on I could not shut it up and I would go to this Fellowship Hall and it was because there was so much Insanity there I mean it was just it was crazy I mean people were loud we would sit there and smoke it was like you know I it was like everyone was just like you know tweaking out you know cuz they were just like I would smoke a Marvel red and I’d like sit there like we’d flick it so much our Cherry would go Bing you know you know what I’m talking about don’t you that’s the laughter of identification right there those two the blonde with the Plaid you with the gray sweater look look look anyways so yeah but it would I just sit there and I would just be freaking out you know and uh those are the fun days where it’s like okay this this middle and this side is smoking this is non-smoking over here you know and uh and it was like I mean it was just stupid you know and we’d sit there go just to be funny just to screw with you guys you know and uh and uh and back in those days that’s kind of how things were and so I was going to all these meetings and I was going meetings meetings meetings we’re going Banquets and convent we’re were doing so much fun stuff you know right but here’s the problem is that I’m doing all these things but I don’t have a sponsor I’m not working the steps I’m not doing anything the AA literature tells me to do I’m just going to meetings and I’m living at these Fellowship Halls I’m just living there I’m I this one place we used to go to uh bellw Alano Club um they serve food so i’ go there and I would eat you know lunch dinner um and I go there after school and I just I live there at these places the thing it did is it it kept me safe and protected physically right our Circle and triangle right right equilateral triangle it wasn’t by any mistake that they picked this symbol the circle is an ancient symbol which Wards against evil spirit equilateral triangle within there all three sides of these three legacies are equally important Body Mind Spirit right Unity Recovery Service Body Mind spirit I got a three-part disease and I got a three-part Solution that’s not by mistake that’s by Design I was sitting there doing the body the part right just living in meetings that’s all I was doing living in AA as long as I live there I’m okay but think of it like this like a three-legged bar stool if I’m on one leg on a bar stool how long can I balance not very long if I got two I’m missing one still if I got two little bit better but eventually I’m going to fall down I got three I’m solid if I’m working all three I’m safe and protected in that Circle that’s why they shows that symbol I’m safe and protected it’s just like the herd if you look in nature right the animals when when the when the prey are out there right and they’re they’re they’re getting hunted right the ones that survive are not the ones on the outside they’re trying to fight to get in the middle and if the ones in the middle are the ones that live I got in the middle of AA but I didn’t get in the middle of the spiritual solution that AA talked about I just hung out in fact there was meetings at this Hall where we’d have somebody stand up and talk about the Big Book of Alcoholics on us you know our actual textbook they would share some experience with it and say hey you know what I just want you to know I went to this workshop and I went through the steps and I read this thing and he’d read us the part and and he he he was just talking about him he wasn’t saying anything about me not saying you’re not doing it I am but he just said he was but we were so offended because we were so uncomfortable because of where we were at we used to literally tell these people to get the hell out and I’m not joking this one guy I remember I’ll never forget it Deon stood up and started doing it we’re like oh yeah I want you come back when you can get real cuz people were getting real where people talk about the struggle yeah man but I’m silver you know you know my car broke down and blah blah blah this train of horrible circumstances you know and I lost and I admitted I beat my car I blew up my window with my you know with my tire iron ha but you whatever f it you know and but hey at least I’m silver you know and you just be like yeah dude you and me bound fat boy good night you know and uh was crazy you know and this guy would be like he’d sit down gently and Deon would be like okay and sometimes he gets so crazy he would leave because we would get literally violent reactions towards us and I called them Happy Shiny Happy People right before RM wrote that I should get royalties by the way but any that’s another story so anyways we call them Shiny Happy People right we like oh Shiny Happy People Mr spirit spiritual you know woo Mr spiritual oh yeah you’re so much better than us oh yeah big book o steps look at you I’m glad it’s going so well for you while we’re over here dying you know and that’s the way it was cuz if if I’m dying inside if I’m dying on the side I’m sing an alcoholic synonymous and you’re sitting over there and how great it is for you and man I got this I just God just blesses my life I have a job I have a car a brand new car I got a load I couldn’t believe it I got a house I got a big house on the lake it’s amazing just the steps are coming true for me and I’m just like going one more one more one more I’m going to launch over I’m we know and uh that’s just the way I was you know and these guys were driving me crazy so one day what happens I’m going to my second treatment center my second round of insanity right check in and this time um I have nothing I have no know nothing they have one bed that the state pays for at this treatment center one bed that’s it here I understand you guys get treatment paid for whatever where I’m from you don’t no insurance tough you don’t got nothing tough we got people dying all the time they have one bed and my mom calls and she begs she begs the treatment director says my my son’s in real trouble he’s 18 years old he’s got Advanced alcoholism late stage they’d already pulled me you like the last stream was when I was 15 the doctor remember my intake he goes you feel this right here and I’m like ah yeah like you know don’t poke there you know kind of deal and uh my liver was enlarged a little bit I’m 15 you know it’s it’s irritated it’s inflamed you know and then I go to this next one I’m 18 you know and I’m like they had one bed but I got in he talked to my mom he talked to me and he said I’m going to make an exception if you can be here by morning and it’s on the other side of the mountains we had to drive up over through some snow over uh to the other side stayed the night in a hotel uh that night I went out actually by the way and I went around town it was an area I never even been it was like in the middle of nowhere again also I wanted my I just want to drive the car around for a little bit I’m just I just need to get out of the hotel room I can’t believe she bought that one I mean how does whatever Mom anyways so she gave me the keys I couldn’t believe it I’m dve around like doesn’t look like he’s druggy alcoholic I’m looking for I’m looking for my people where are my people I don’t know anyone I’m in the middle of nowhere and there’s nothing going on there’s you know and uh I’m like I couldn’t figure out who there was nobody there I askle hey you got this kind of looked at me you know and uh a couple guys didn’t speak English I’m like ah never mind and I went back to the hotel and uh and I sat down I’m like oh yeah I was fine and I went in treatment the next day and uh I can’t explain that I also can’t explain one of the first nights I was there a guy invited me in his room and he brought he was he was a major drug dealer in the United States and had a whole bunch of stuff his drug Runners had brought in there I could had anything I had alcohol they had cocaine they had pot whatever he had hidden in his room they had run it up there and they invited me in they’re little he’s new and so he’s you know he’s on the edge probably and I didn’t do anything that night I just told him you know what I came here to get well and uh there was something I can’t I can’t explain it you know there’s that time people call Moment of clarity whatever I was just done I was just at the point where I just didn’t care anymore I just wanted to die I really did I can’t stand the pain I can’t stand living my own skin if this is it if this is life you can have it this sucks I can’t do it and the next day these guys all get busted and they leave and I get to stay cuz I didn’t I get out of there and I work work some step work in there what I thought was step work one through five in treatment you know um but in that version it wasn’t the AA it was like these sheets you know like are you selfish Chuck are you self-seeking Chuck and I didn’t even really believe I was I just knew I was I know the game right if I don’t check it I’m not going to pass right yep I’m yeah yeah I’m these things I don’t know why but I’m I’m these things and uh I get out and I start going to meetings again just going to meetings just going to meetings and I’m now in Step six because I went through five in treatment and I remember sitting and I tried AA and AA doesn’t work so I start going to na actually I tried CA in between that but they Ed the same book so I left um true and I never did Coke so it I was like forget it um so I went to na cuz I related with some drug addict stuff there and I was like oh yeah okay and you know I’d be like yeah I’m an alcohol can’t a drug i’ like alcohol is a drug you know and I’m like oh sorry you know and uh didn’t mean to get so touchy you know and uh so sitting there in the summer and uh there’s this meeting it’s on the six step and we’re on the lawn and uh there’s the same people with the same relapse sobriety the longest person sober yet again is like 9 months there’s no real solution going on it’s the same stuff I’ve heard a thousand times and I’m just done and I left I said you know I’m just not feeling I’m going to go back to my my house and I lived about two blocks away I just got up I started walking down the street and I walked up my mom she had this big hill you go up in Redmond where we live and so I’m walking up hiking up this hill and I remember I I started talking out loud to God that I was angry at and didn’t believe in uh it’s kind of hard like they say you can’t be angry to God you don’t believe in right doesn’t really work uh so I look back at the mountains there’s beautiful Olympic mountains there I could see them from the from the road we’re looking back at the mountains and I’m looking around I make sure no one in my neighbors aren’t looking out I mean would have been the weirdest thing they’ve seen me do but uh they probably would have wondered um but I looked out there and I just said to God you know out to the sky and just said you know if you got something you better send it quick cuz I’ve tried AA and it doesn’t work I’ve tried CA it doesn’t work I tried na I gone to four different counselors and a psychotherapist I’ve tried the drugs and not the drugs I’ve tried everything I did I’ve did two two treatment centers you know Wilderness survival I ate a mouse whatever none of that and uh I know what the hell and uh we’re willing to go to any links right it was the wrong links but I’m willing to do whatever and uh I just told him you know I’m done I can’t do this anymore I can’t do this and this mean living sucking air breathing I can’t live in my own skin I can’t stand to be who I am and I remember turning around I said P.S uh literally out PS uh you know you better do it soon because I can’t see stand to see the pain in my mom’s eyes I can’t stand to watch her watch me die uh um and I made a promise to God that if it wasn’t soon I was going to take as much alcohol as much drugs as possible and end it and I meant it and uh I walked up the rest of the way of that Hill it’s funny how these things happen you say things like this and you think you’re just talking to the sky and two weeks later or less sitting in my buddies telling me about this guy’s house he goes to once a week and he takes us through the book he makes it interesting though CU they used to give that in treatment said if you want to go to sleep read this book true story they could be El tryptophane from Turkey to make you sleepy and then tell you to read the big book and uh so I I was sitting there and I’m like well how does it make it interesting and he goes I don’t know dude he reads it to to us and like whatever so I went and I showed up and there we are and I’m sitting on the carpet and there’s this guy he’s like almost 7 ft tall John big loud John and uh you know he’s looking at me and these guys have already met a couple times he’s like well we’re not too far in we’ll just start back to the beginning okay boys and like okay you know there’s all my buddies and our girlfriends go upstairs you know and uh and they’re meeting with his uh soon to be wife so all the girls are going up there meet with the the woman sponsor and I’m down there with John with all the guys and the guy sponsor and uh he’s like so why do you think you’re an alcoholic you know and I’m like you know down here on the carpet and I’m like uh and I started telling him crazy stories start telling about the time that my buddy wouldn’t give me what he was holding I pulled out my dad’s hunting shotgun I pulled the trigger to shoot him kill him so I could get what I wanted my dad was a good hunting uh owner and he didn’t load the gun and it went just went click I got pissed and threw it at him told that he’s like okay and I told him about all the fights all the crazy stuff the insanity all the stuff I was talking about all the behaviors behaviors behaviors and finally I get done John’s like H is that all of it I’m like well yeah pretty much shows you I’m I got a problem he goes well I believe me I think you got some problems that’s evident you know um and you’ve gotten in some trouble but that’s all drama that’s all drama related to your drinking what I want to know Brendan is after each of these times you told me when you had a period of sobriety why did you drink again and he just sat there and looked at me and waited for my answer and I gave the best answer I’ve ever given my entire life and I just said I don’t know and he goes right let’s look what the book says okay he’s got me though this guy has my attention I just gave him the best answers I’ve had and I believe them to the fiber of my body why I was an alcoholic I’m an alcoholic because I say I am I’m an alcoholic because these things happen obviously I’m an alcoholic but I couldn’t explain why I took a drink after a period of sobriety I didn’t understand cuz I’d never never read the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous where it actually explains stuff in detail who knew it’s the stupidest thing you know and uh that’s not just alcoholics it’s you know what that is it’s just people who are fill with pride and ego I got a huge ego and crappy self-esteem bad combination I can’t be wrong but I’m too terrified to ask you for help and so this guy starts telling me through the book he takes that first page of the circle and Triangle Well back then we used to print it in the very beginning page it says this is the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism he underlined recovered and he wrote down some some definitions for that he started pointing out the word recovered because where I grew up in the meetings it was like we don’t say recovered so people think they’re cured and yet the book talks about recovered over and over and over and I was like oh I guess I’ve had this screwed up I started learning that recovery doesn’t doesn’t mean cured if I have surgery I go into recovery it’s painful recovery sucks right you’re healing you just got cut open and stitched ouch right you get off that you’ve gotten through recovery and then you’ve recovered at some point you’re done you have scars it’s not that it didn’t happen it happened it’s still there you can still get injured doesn’t mean you get hurt shot whatever but I’m recovered so the same thing happens in my in my my sober life he says okay here we go so we looked at the three legacies said you got these three problems you got you got problems with the the physical the body you have you have disease here with the Mind Right recovery and you you got a problem over here in the spirit right in the service area right so Body Mind Spirit affecting me in three different ways I got three-part solution alcoholic synonymous and on that first page he outlined basically in masterly detail here’s where we’re headed he gave me a vision which I didn’t even understand but what I did pick up on was that there was a message of Hope the doctor’s opinion blew my mind in the doctor’s opinion it they used to actually have doctor’s opinion as page one in the very first edition the very first printing it was page one some people got together and said H well that’s not an alcoholic so we should have the alcoholics start on page one we’ll put that as Roman numerals and so that’s how it’s been although there is a movement now by the way where they’re trying to change that back again so you may see that at some point because without that it says he says without this picture without this explanation of the allergy it’s incomplete I didn’t realize I had an allergy I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just you know fck up why couldn’t I just take my human nature try harder isn’t that what we’re taught you got a problem you’re not trying hard enough you’re not working smart enough hard enough whatever you know it but I really thought that was the solution I just there’s something I’m not doing and so what I started to believe out of my failur is that I’m not alcoholic I’m alcoholic and I’m alcoholic and something undiagnosed I don’t know what but I know it’s not good and so I start believing that I’m beyond alcoholism that there’s no hope for me and what this guy did for the first time ever because if I got jails institutions in death or some type of spiritual answer including alcoholic annonymous and I don’t believe that that’s worked for me all I got left is jails institution and death that’s not a good place to be for an alcoholic so it breaks my heart I could have left AA at that point if I hadn’t run into this guy and I would have thought I I would have swore to you I tried AA I mean I went to thousands of meetings didn’t I try I attended meetings and here’s the crazy thing I know there was solution there at those meetings the Happy Shiny People they were there hate them right but they were there but they were sharing a message of hope they were sharing the story of alcoholic annonymous you don’t get to well actually I can’t say that I’ve seen some guys with 25 years and absolutely nothing I want they’re absolutely crazy they’re dry but there are a lot of guys out there who have been long-term sobriety and they’re not crazy they did something how did you get sober and not only that how are you happy about your sobriety that’s more important because I’ve been separated from alcohol but I’ve never been happy in my life the best moment of my life back then was I’d wake up I’d reach over the table in my ashtray my parents let me smoke in the house back then we figured it was better than drinking right so I’d reach over and I’d smoke marble red and I’d light up I’m like that the best point of my day smoke a second one in the shower you know deal and uh go about my day you know and uh but this guy gave me a message of Hope and that was this is who I am and he said I don’t want you to listen to my story because that’s what I used to do I try to listen to your drama try to match it to mine he said for the first time I want you to think about your story does it validate what’s in this book and there was a huge opening within me because I started looking at my experience reading the doctor’s opinion going oh I have that mental Obsession that this book is talking about later in this deal I this explains that allergy why when I take a drink I have little or no control over my life none of it I just I’m off and running I don’t know where it’s going to end I don’t know where it’s going to end and this guy um he starts taking me through the steps every week Page by Page we didn’t skip anything he even read me the freaking you know forwards to every dang Edition you know and I’m like but you know what he was an AA nerd and I loved it he told me history he told me about what happened he told me about the miracle in akaran where you know bill was there and he was going to drink the business deal went bad he was in danger he was long-term sobriety and long-term sobriety back then a miracle was 6 months 6 months it was like whoa 30 days was like wow I mean they didn’t have AA right they had no treatment centers they had they didn’t they had Al They had something called alcohol Insanity my grandpa was committed for that for a little bit we have pride in my family um but anyways you know it’s like uh you know we did these things and uh you know they had alcoholic insanity but they didn’t have they didn’t have a big book they didn’t have this stuff what he had was something that someone had shed him from the Oxford groups and he put it into action a little bit different what he got was doctor’s opinion that Dr shorth description when he gave that that was the one thing that Bob never had Bob tried the spiritual solution tried this stuff but he could never do it when he gave him Dr silk wor description with some of the information from Carl Young and all that and it’s like something clicked within them this identification the miracle of identification right that happens in alcoholic annonymous I got what you got I am you and you are me until that understanding can happen right little or nothing it says can be accomplished little or nothing until I I understand to my innermost self what it means to be alcoholic and so with that definition when he started giving me this stuff and I went my God I have the allergy I get it it makes sense to me if you said you know if you if you replaced it with like Coca-Cola and said oh yeah I stole from my mom I stole from people’s houses and garages and ripped them off so I could buy another case of Coca-Cola I’d be like God you’re an idiot it’s the stupidest thing oh or somebody with an obsession with cheese yeah man the sharp cheddar is just awesome you know it’s like but you know what I mean it’s like it seems silly right it’s just that’s ridiculous we look at that we laugh we’re like God would an idiot who would ever do that how about for alcohol it makes sense right that’s what we look like to normal people and I finally got it I’m like ah I’m abnormal that’s what it says AB yeah I know I’m abnormal but I mean I mean abnormal drinking right like I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol and my life is unmanageable I don’t have the power to live it’s an interesting part in there when it starts getting the spiritual solution right it’s not the spiritual part by the way that drives me nuts the whole point of alcohol alcoholic synonymous in this book it says right lack of power that’s our dilemma where and how are we to find this power by which we could live L I live but where and how are we to find this power well that’s exactly what this book is about Bing it’s not about saying something else it’s about hey dude hate to tell you if you got this you can go jails institutions or death or you can be a Happy Shiny person it sucks man I’m telling you it’s really hard when I talk about that to just go oh God I am what I hated I’m that guy there’s some dude out there right now who’s me back then going I what is this I can’t say it fly back to America you know and uh full of himself shame Mr spiritual you could put on a suit and look good I know the real story dying inside like I am you know sure thing buddy take a shot uh I challenge you you know I challenge you to to try this thing you know if you haven’t and it doesn’t mean just people that are brand new people can be sitting around in alcoholic anous for years and never worked a step and get to a point point where the stuff they were doing isn’t working anymore and wondering why they are not why are they not uh feel like they’re they’re like spinning their wheels they’re thinking about dying they’re thinking about drinking they’re just thinking about ending it they haven’t had that that promise of what alcoholic synonymous says you know that new attitude and Outlook towards life towards people how does that shift occur and the most interesting thing in the world is this miracle book called alcoholics Anonymous and what a brilliant way to write cuz it doesn’t tell you some of the things later on in the beginning if it had started with the stuff in the beginning and said hey you’re going to have to do this I would been like peace I’m out of here but when you give me step one first and show me the hopelessness of alcoholic synonymous that or alcoholism sorry alcoholism I have two choices right one is to go on to The Bitter End or accept spiritual help this we did because wanted to and we’re willing to make the effort necessary that’s hard but when you’re dying of alcoholism and you’re at that point where you’re like I have nothing left I have nothing left to lose whatever what he want me to do and one night I remember sitting in my basement and uh my sponsor had gone through one of the things he did is he started in the beginning he said we’re going to start from the beginning but you need to start doing this every day and we looked at 86 887 888 retiring at night every morning when he wake W up in the morning meditation and look at that he says you need to start reading this every day and start practicing some things in there and we went through it and he said if you don’t you’re never going to make it you’re never going to make it and I thought okay well I’ll try this thing and I remember going home and I remember laying in bed and he told me every night and I remember laying in bed and went all right I guess I’ll do this thing so I got up and I questioned everything I questioned CU I was ready so I questioned doing the whole you know Dialing for God you know and uh I usually got the busy signal I don’t know about you but uh you know these insert exact change harder you know and uh anyways so I’m like am I okay with I’m like E I don’t know and then I thought about you know putting your hands I’m like hey you know I’m I’m okay with this I put my hands together I’m okay with that and I remember thinking about getting into my knees and I went you know getting in my knees is a is an act of humility and trying to you know not gravel before for somebody but just saying you know just recognizing that I’m I’m really powerless here and I need some help and so I saw it as a physical representation of where I was at I was coming humbly and just saying I don’t know and I remember getting on my knees looking out the sky it was a daylight basement there’s my window and there’s some clouds going by in the full moon I remember just sitting there and I looked up the sky and I didn’t know what to say I was just like for the longest time I’m sitting there going um cuz I’m not going to do my recited prayers that I learned my whole life there’s no heart behind it anymore I needed to talk to God I need to start it says a sentence in this book it says we honestly asked ourselves what these terms meant to us meaning about God any definition anything you have around God the spiritual life ask yourself what they honestly mean to you and the reason I love that is because it Separates Me from all the other BS I don’t get to blame you in your definition what you’ve tried to put on me I don’t get to blame anyone else it’s me and me alone me and God I don’t get to sit there and play victim anymore I sat there I looked out at the sky and I went hey I’m Brendan all right and I got in bed and I was like good night I didn’t know what to say you know I I laid in bed and I was like just laughing I was like that I was like laughing going oh my god dude I’m so stupid and uh and you know the funny thing is the thought that occurred to me immediately wasn’t like this wasn’t like this wash the wave of like spiritual happiness or tranquility and and I never drank again you know it was like what happened was I laid there and I just laughed I thought God the guys could see me now they would totally clown on me they would just be like hi I’m Brandon you know they’ totally make fun of me I’m alone in my basement with no Witnesses talking to the sky and I felt so uncomfortable I felt ridiculous and embarrass Ed and this is the crazy thing think about that when in just position to that the opposite being that in the things I should feel bad about should feel embarrassed about should feel guilty about I didn’t feel anything at least I thought I’m backwards I’m completely backwards on everything I mean no one can see me and yet I feel I feel so ashamed and I’m talking to God alone but here’s the miracle I started a conversation I didn’t there was no magical thing that happened that night but there was a magical thing that did happen that magical thing that happened is that I opened the door and said God please help me in my own way and it didn’t matter how inadequate it was I didn’t have to light some specific candle or burn the right incense or put on the right weird music you know it’s like all I had to do was just say hey God I need to start a conversation with you here it’s Brendan feel like seeing aell right now that’s pretty funny anyway so uh hello can you hear me I’m in California oh sorry hello I should start talking about the outside right screaming about the outside actually I got a drawer right here oh you got that cool and thanks for water dud I like him too thank you I appre appreciate that I do um you know so there I am I feel ridiculous and embarrassed and I talk to God that’s all I did and then uh you know I remember going to the third step I remember going it was actually was funny when we went to the the place he said we’re going to go to this place it’s really cool it’s an old abandoned Seminary and I’m like all right he said are you okay I said yeah I’m okay with that man and he told me where it was it was the first Treatment Center went to Lakeside milum up on the hill it was an old seminer and the other half though we were never permitted to go in was where they had this other place it actually used to be St Mary’s it was still running it was a church they didn’t want the crazy people going over there uh the nuns had call help you know and uh and you can tell who didn’t belong right like yeah the guy with the slit in the back on the robes running around again um so I uh you know what’s funny I was just telling somebody about the I think I was tell we just talking about that I still have The Robe for the medical psychiatric unit I was in nice pavely print I look at every once in a while in my closet I’m like woo there’s a winner but uh I remember going to this third step prayer and before we go in I’m praying to God I’m like oh God please let something happen please give me a sign cuz I was terrified I’ve I now have an understanding of I know why I’m screwed I know I’m doomed I’m doomed and my only hope in in Choice here is if something happens in this AA deal if this doesn’t work I have nothing left apart from some divine intervention of just struck sober and the chances are that I’m feeling are pretty unlikely you know and so I go into this place I’m like please God please God please God and I’m walking up and there’s these old huge wood pews just beautiful marble this thing’s built T long time ago beautiful marble work going all the way up there’s this big Altar and there’s I am and I we kneel down cold marble and I look up and the entire ceiling from the back to the front intermittently of these giant Circle and triangles the AA symbol show off you know but that’s what I’m thinking I’m just going wow God you know it was like it just hit me now that didn’t have to happen but man I’m sure glad it did I just looked and I was like oh my god there circle on triangles you know and uh I remember going home and that was the second time through the through the steps of my sponsor because I got into third and fourth and I died I didn’t finish my first inventory right I went back to with the tail between my legs going I can’t finish my inventory he’s like oh lost of power do it I’m like yeah he’s like well let’s go back in I know you got step one we’re going to jump back in this one with step two okay so we started going through and I went all the way up to three and that’s where we were right then three and I go home and I remember I done my first uh resentment inventory like I died in and I went back and I remember sitting down and saying this prayer and pay attention here if you knew do not say this prayer whatever you do cuz I died in my first one right so I was afraid I dealt with all these things these issues I had and they were gone now and so I couldn’t remember stuff I was afraid of so I was like oh God please give me enough resentment to have an inventory M it’s like going to Homeland Security where I’m at and saying hey how would you feel if I put a bomb on the plane I’m just asking the question I don’t have a buom I’m just asking what would happen wait you know and it’s like you know you’re screwed I won’t do that maybe but I said that prayer and I remember it’s like my soul puked I mean just we call the spiritual Ena we’re just kind of Jo it’s kind of funny but we’re just like it’s like my soul just went and I It’s the funniest thing is we’re so self-centered and self-absorbed I couldn’t remember this guy’s name in first grade if you would you’d ask me I couldn’t ever remember his name and I remember sitting there writing this inventory and writing all these names writing all these names writing all these names this page I ran out of paper I had to go back to the desk get more paper and writing names and wrri names writing names writing names writing names writing names I’m like just going crazy and I’m like I’m just going like a fear I’m just like oh yeah that guy that guy and it’s great because I’m like I hate him I hate him it’s like The Hit List right you know it’s like die die die die yes double die you know and uh and all of a sudden I was like I couldn’t remember this guy’s name white hair I he was like my best friend in summer one day he was just gone I’d asked people over the years do you remember that guy remember that guy we’d be drinking at a party hey you were with me in first grade you remember that guy they’ be like what no I don’t remember him like ah I could never remember his name you know and finally him sitting there in my for like Kelly and I’m like yes you abandon into me I’ll never forget you anyways and uh so we’re sitting there I’m writing this stuff and I’m like oh and then John I go meet with him the next you like a few days we sit down he’s like here’s the second part the inventory this is who you hate put on the list you put like limited to four per person now you know I’m like okay cuz he didn’t want me to like get you know novel of stuff you know and like you know we get to the point after four or five right so he’s like just you know so I start writing you know you know Mom you know or dad you know that Dad you know doesn’t you know doesn’t pay for my college even though he’s loaded you know Dad beat on mom when I’m marri dad beat on me you know like Dad you know doesn’t love me you know Mom hates me I hate her die you know and all this stuff and uh once in the counseling session my parents were there and I told the counselor you know he’s like you know uh I looked at my mom he’s like well tell you know the anger mom’s I’m like well I never you know Mom I hate you I’m never even going to your funeral when you die I’m going to dig you back up take the gold out of your teeth and sell for drugs and my dad’s like ah and he’s like ah he’s expressing his feelings that’s Counseling in America he’s just expressing his feelings at least he’s being open and sharing and being honest it’s like oh my god dude did you hear what I just said nothing huh all right this is going to be fun I’ll just keep going you know and uh so you know I’m sitting there just all these stuff and I’m writing these people that I couldn’t even remember and I got 264 different people I’m writing all this stuff I got this novel of people I’m just like hate you know and I remember this is so sad yeah I a going to talk about that part anyways we’ll move on you ask you later I don’t want you to be too afraid of me uh anyway so I remember I’m writing this stuff I’m so angry I mean there’s these people in there and I forgot to tell you like when I walked in with John that that Workshop go yeah I think you know a couple of the guys and it’s so funny how we have this reaction I walk in and there’s like one of my best buddies so I was 6 years old Kurt sitting there and one of my guys that we used to do do some drugs with I bought from him actually and he’s sitting there and Eric and I walk in and they’re like dude I’m like dude what are you guys doing here it’s like we’re surprised to see each other it’s the stupidest thing it’s like yeah we drank together we we’re all the same you know and I walk in there but you know we go through the stuff and they finish everyone finishes I’m sitting there and I’m still back at home I hate people so bad I’m breaking pens I’m stabbing my for up literally I’m just like break I hate this one you know and I didn’t realize my mom uh my mom told me cuz I don’t it’s like remember this but my mom told me that’s how I know it’s true she told me she said yeah you don’t remember that that time and I’m like no I just remember I I finished though she goes oh you were unbearable I went I never talk to you she goes you never oh she goes I’d go in there and you’d be like I’m breaking up my first step and I’m like really she goes oh you were terrible I’m like God I’m so sorry you know and uh but I was just I was just crazy out of my mind I was writing stuff because I was reliving and this is the crazy thing about resentment we’re constantly reliving these scenes in our life constantly reliving these things in our head on this resentment maybe buried down deep and I’ve shoved the stuff down but that’s where all that tension all that stuff came from it’s I got PTSD weird stuff going on with my family I all sorts of weird weirdo stuff going on and I’m just like just dying inside and now for the first time I’m actually talking about it and they put it in a format where I could get the stuff all on paper and look at why am I having such heavy going of Life leaving aside the dream question that says they tell why I living was so unsatisfactory and it wasn’t because I was drinking the wrong alcohol or doing the wrong stuff or hanging with the wrong people or doing doing the wrong thing or drinking in the wrong town or whatever it’s because this is why my life is so unsatisfactory alcohol is my solution it’s my Escape it’s my treatment for what’s alss Brendan and I have an allergy which says more bad combination and so I get this fourth step done I sit down do my fifth step and sitting down with my sponsor we start reading through it and we’re dealing with this stuff we take forever in the beginning we were talking about that that long fif up you know right that like that hour with Dad deals you know steiny and I were talking in the car today and and man I’m telling you it’s like had the same experience we take a lot of time in the beginning we’re sitting there writing and writing I’m reading reading reading and finally we get to this one and I’m I’m going to summarize the inventory like this there’s a couple on there there’s one where it was this guy named John and John was a really good friend of mine since I was little we got busted his parents ran the donuts after the church you know you go down do church and go for the doughnut I went for the dut um and so then we had the keys over of the wine closet you know kind of deal that got us into some trouble um but this guy had stolen uh I wrote on there John stole my Metallica collection you know you know what you know what that’s what he did what it affected affected my SSE I started talking about like why you know and all this stuff personal relation pocketbook you know and I’m listing all these things the things he injured and then we set them aside entirely we don’t look at my part their part they don’t have a part I look at my inventory there’s no parts I look at my inventory setting them aside entirely I look at Brendan and he says an interesting thing he goes you know what Brennon I know your story and I know what’s going on and I know all the people you ripped off and all those garages you just randomly walked into and took stuff cuz it was unlocked houses you broke into took that took stole from your parents crack scar all that he goes isn’t interesting that somebody does one little thing to you and you carried around forever and you’re just furious like it’s the end of the world you just want death upon them but you do it to everybody else and you don’t you hardly think twice and I’m like he goes do you see your standard of living and how that might cause some problems in your life yeah I get it and he goes tell me about your Metallica collection he was a music guy there was a lot of big band stuff you know and I go uh let’s see I had Garage Days vinyl kill them all master puppets Ride the Lightning and I talked you know was just a couple CDs you know and that one phonograph and goes uh number one brenen that’s not a collection and I’m like I’m hurt I’m like he goes those I can buy those right now I can go to the store and buy them that’s not a collection those aren’t collector edition at all I can get it right now and I’m like ah see we we wrap ourselves in these lies these layers of Lies I had a collection and he stole it you know no I had a couple CDs a photograph anyone can buy it and the thing is I don’t even if John really stole it true the true story is this my brother Sean not even in the program I was telling him this story one day I’m like you know man cuz he asked me about like how do you I told him this story I go well you know I like this like wasn’t even a collection I’m telling the story and we’re laughing he goes you know did it ever con did you ever consider mom I went what he goes don’t you remember Mom would find our stuff our rock albums whatever like we had Metal Church she my mom freaked out she found a Judas Priest out Holy Diver you know or Doo sorry and the Holy Diver is the chain with the Catholic priest going ah the Lake of Fire you know she’s calling the church going oh my you know you know she’s like saying hail Mary and our fathers all over the place you know holy water you know and like satanic worshiping sons and I’m like Mom it’s freaking doo and Judas what the heck you’re Metal Church what’s wrong it’s good music this is music you know and uh and it occurred to me I’m like oh my you know what cuz John is like no dude I didn’t take it and you know what he said it with a reference like you really meant it I bet it wasn’t I bet it wasn’t my mom I’d blame the wrong person this whole time my mom never CED to it by the way I’ll wait till she’s on her deathbed I will you think I’m joking I’m not hey Mom final confession did you or did you not take my Metallica collection oh you bet I’m going to call it collection too one more time you know and the and the the other resentment I remember my sponsor stopped in his tracks I said you know people who drive at you with that the liter I wrote people who drive by and look at you with that effed up attitude dead serious and I’m like oh yeah I’m all proud I’m like oh yeah dude this happens to me a lot you know and uh I don’t know CU I got long hair the mouse pouch to Kill Them All Metallica and they’re just like whoa and I’m just like what you know and like people are driving by I’m like what what you looking at what you looking at what are you looking at you want some you know pull over and I want to kill anybody right people are just driving by going you know and uh I’m sure they’re like oh oh Pat maybe we should stop by no Mary he looks crazy you know you know anyways and so um I was you know and uh he goes that’s not the reason at all Brendan and I go how do you know I’m telling you dude watch just walk behind me where you they can’t see you D just watch they will look at me every single person driving by it’s like he’s like uh how do you know they’re staring at you I go cuz they’re staring at me it’s obvious right you know and he goes no and I asked him he asked me another time I reply he finally says stop take a breath he makes me pause sponsors train you what to do in action it says pause when agitate or doubtful pray for right thought or action right he’s asking me to please pause and pray for the right thought because the thought I’m having and the justification I’m having is way wrong right and he knows it he can see it clear as day and I can’t see it though I can’t see the truth the truth TR strange to say and I finally goes it’s like oh my God my head pulling on my rear and I’m like I’m staring at them he’s like Bingo actually he yelled Eureka you know but uh same thing you know and he’s like Eureka and he his wife in the other room like hey we got something you know like she thinks it’s great we’ve been in there for hours she wasn’t sure if I was alive killing John what was going on she heard him say Eureka so it must have been a breakthrough you know she like Yay you know and I never dawned on me that the only reason I know if you’re looking at me or not is cuz I’m looking at you pretty stupid the reason people were staring at me is cuz I was staring at them and they would eventually look right I mean if you got somebody driving by and you’re driving by and somebody staring at you you’re like do they is there something wrong you know I’m like the point being try thattime just try that exercise try to look at every single car that goes by when you leave here it’s Burns so much energy you are so tired I’m looking at the world and I’m trying to create this this this safe place for Brendan if no one comes near me I’m safe if everyone stays away I’m okay and the these walls are coming down I’m finally seeing Oh my God I’m causing my problems in my life my entire inventory was 180° kiled I think it’s this it’s actually this every single resentment inventory writing everything was backwards there wasn’t one that wasn’t there wasn’t one where we went oh you were so right you were so harmed I’m so sorry none of that even if they were 99% to blame the instructions say we set them aside entirely entirely and there was some hard stuff on there that I had to write and there was some stuff where Dad was really at fault for a lot of stuff but I had to look at setting him aside entirely how am I using that today in my life how am I excusing Behavior excusing vict doing things actions playing this playing that role because of that and blaming him how am I selfishly using those things to justify my Behavior that’s a sure ticket to death and so we get done with this inventory and he says now Brendon you’re going to you’re going to leave here and you may not feel elated some people do my experience uh my personal experience is I left there feeling like oh I finally got it done it was a sense of accomplishment cuz it took me forever I was the last one done and I finally got done reading this thing so it was like oh thank God this is just hanging over me forever there’s always this stuff like oh it’s so hard and difficult I made it hard and difficult cuz I I talked about how hard and difficult it was constantly but when I just sat down I finally did it it didn’t take me very long actually and finally uh step six and seven when we get into that you know he says this is going to start popping up and what happened my experience was in action is I start walking down the street and we looked at Character defects like gossiping maybe not starting it but joining in Psychopathic paranoid Behavior where I I was convinced people are always talking about me right right I yeah you God I was killing the other night it’s like you know have this thing like you know she’s describing like thinking ESP right we think we know what everyone else is thinking I know you’re looking at me I know what you’re thinking I’m going to kill you right and uh you know it’s like constantly I was thinking like I know what you’re do yes they’re totally judging me they’re totally judging me you know what I’m just going to stare at him that’s right look away no I’m still staring at you y look away for good there you go right that’s how I ran my life and that’s what kept me say so I’m starting to see like these behaviors I want to do these things and I can hear the in in the intuitive thought in my head my sponsor Going H you’re staring hey dummy hey dummy you know and I start seeing this Behavior as it’s happening and the hope that maybe I can start seeing it before it starts happening right before I start causing the stuff and I start relaxing and I sto struggling so much in my life because I stopped committing and doing all these things which cause disunity and disharmony in my life with everyone around me and the funny thing what funny thing is is it if that’s all I see yeah that’s good but that’s not far enough if all I do is I notice that I have a flat tire but I don’t stop change it that’s not a good thing eventually I’ll be on the rim I’ll cause a lot more damage but if I just pull over take the time change the tire just readdress the situation no big life happens whatever do this thing and drive on down the road and be on my way I get into this inventory right and I it says oh we made a list and that’s why I said man if that was in the beginning I probably would have lesson the prayer about please give me some resentments um I start looking at this stuff and the crazy thing was this is that I was a real mental masturbation kind of person right it was like I would sit there and look at all these people and what they did and uh a lot of my resentments because I wasn’t a people pleaser I was an approval sucker I needed you to approve of me so I was okay and so when we looked at this list of people I hared he goes okay you hated these people but a lot of them I just hated them you know like in here but then you know after you know but I’d be around them i’ be like hey how’s it going yeah it’s good to see you hope they die you know and uh you know and you know I would just think these things you know and I’d started catching myself like going up to these people like in college and I’d be like oh there’s those people that I hated them but I should say hi like why am I going to say hi to them we have I don’t I don’t have to do that to feel okay I don’t have to the outside stuff doesn’t have to keep reaffirming the approval Within Me constantly the outside stuff to make me feel okay in hole I got a god-sized hole that runs right through me the Texas Wind Blows through right it’s a god-sized hole and I’m trying to fill it with everything else alcohol relationships whatever name it ease and comfort whatever I can do manipulating situations right I start seeing all this and he starts going over the amends it says okay we’re going to go to them we’re going to say why you’re there hey I don’t know if you know I was an alcoholic it usually wasn’t a shocker um you know Bob talked about that they usually knew anyways right we told them about our drinking but they usually knew anyways I never went to anyone except for the people I randomly hit their houses stole from them sorry um Lally punch them you know I just I went to the house I stole stuff you know and uh and they were the only ones that didn’t know cuz they didn’t know who did it anyone else who met me knew just by my behavior and it was it was apparent you know uh this guy’s got issues and he drinks too much and uh so I go to him and i’ start making these demands why I’m there I don’t know if you know I’m an alcoholic and I desribe to say look I as part of that process is 12 steps I got to this inventory and I got a list of people ID harmed and you were on that list and they usually knew that and if they didn’t they were about to find out and then I would tell them what the amends was and I would say this the most important words ever I was wrong they knew they were right and they they didn’t need me to say you were right they knew it they need me to say you know anything like that they need me to say I was wrong and I recognize that I recognize the harm I caused you and I’m here to take responsibility for that is there anything I left out and you want to tell me how that affected you and then the most important part shut up and listen and then the ultimate goal of this at the end is to say is there anything I can do to make it right or make the books balance here and then shut up and listen again there’s a lot of shut and listening in that one and sometimes this is the mirac thing I would hear about things I did not know I would miss the amends I would study it and I would think I got this I got everything in here all the harm and I’d go to them and I’d say hey you know I did this they’d be like yeah um you kind of did some other things too you don’t remember this I’d be like I’m really sorry I do now that you mention it and I’m not trying to not remember I just did a lot of stuff and this I can’t remember thing I really apologize and they would realize I was sincere because I would I was sincere and they know it when you’re being sincere people know it I wasn’t fooling anybody I just went man I am so so sorry but it’s more than saying sorry right am men’s aren’t about saying sorry it’s about an act of am men’s what can I do and they would tell me sometimes this is what you can do I went in I went to make a m this guy Chris I had this big hu I me this guy was huge and I remember we was choking this kid in class and I went over I said hey I want you pick on someone your own size I smaller than that guy you know and uh but you know you know and uh so he puts me in a headlock and I’m like I’m not going to start a fight in class I know better cuz I got to they I my anyways my father was so thick they had to start a second one uh the principal let me know that I was the only one they had to do that with yet uh in my class and like it was like a pride moment I’m like yeah so bad I got a second older and uh you know so this guy I said you know what after school behind the church that’s where we would fight you know it’s weird right go behind the religious Center and Duke it out weird um so we go over there and I remember uh I got in a really bad fight with this guy just I was a psychopath you know i’ been training since like I said forever and I I beat that guy so bad um the doctor said if I ke if I had kept punching that eye he would have lost his sight and I remember when he showed up his dad was in the office and there was a long hallway another office and they put me in here so we weren’t next to each other and I was alone and there was that guy down there and he said something and he goes look down the guy looked past me I could feel him looking looking and he goes where and then Chris BL says something and Chris’s eye is coldly red all the uh you know blood vessels has all been broken out and and messed up and uh and he goes that little guy and then he proceeds to braid him in the office and I’m just like and you know what I would have felt I would have felt bad if I had any type of understanding at that point but I was still in that game still in the game like that’s right and I just was like another opportunity that’s right mean you know just kind of H you know and uh I I remember I couldn’t find that guy and John assured me he said you pray about it and God will put these people in your life trust me and you know you know what you say when your sponsor says that you’re like okay another little wishful thinking right they’ll just show up magically sure how about we pray for money then it’ll just show up that’d be cool oh I wish I found the gold Oh yay you know but uh nope that never happened almost didn’t reach far enough anyway so um I’m driving along one day and I go over to uh my buddy my roommate at the time he’s sober Eric that guy in the workshop we moved in together and uh I’m driving into this little strip mall and I I always pull in the driveway right by his work but for some reason I don’t I have no idea I have no reason to pull in that other one I even consciously had the thought no let’s pull in this x this one early just weird like whatever so I just you know I just go in there and I look over no start I turn in like this a section of that building I never turn in there’s no reason to and I look over and there’s this and I look over and there’s Chris standing in the window This Used Book Exchange Place and I’m like you know holy crap it’s Chris and so I park at love music and I go inside and I go uh I’ll be right back he goes what I go do you remember that guy I can’t find he goes Chris I go yeah he works three doors four doors whatever it was down from you he goes you’re kidding I go no and he just starts laughing you know he’s like have fun we do that to each other right it’s like when it’s not you we’re like ah you got to make aend you go say you’re sorry hey don’t forget you got to do what they say don’t forget to shut up and listen so I go down there and I go in the in the store and Chris turns around he looks at me it’s like a deer in headlights he’s like I’m like hey uh Chris um I do you have a few minutes to talk I know you’re working right now if you need to I just need to I I need to make amends to you um I need to talk to you for a minute and he goes yeah let’s go over here for a minute we walk in the other the room and and and he starts talking to me and the thing was he wasn’t sitting next to me there’s a huge Square table with a big pile of books Chris is standing on the other side and uh I’m on the other side of that I realize that’s he wants that between us um and I just said hey you know I don’t know if you know but I’m I’m a recovered alcoholic and uh I I got sober um I don’t I don’t know if uh you talked to anybody but um not like headline news but uh you know but it was chance he’s like no I’m glad for you you know and he even said that he’s like I’m glad for you and oh okay and uh I said you know I I need to make amends for you know that fight and what happened and um I know what uh you know I look back now and I tell them about how I was full of fear how was I was really just afraid the more stronger and angry and out here I was was really just a sign of how weak and afraid I was so when I see people like that walk in and they try to put the front of how bad they are I know how much they’re really just dying inside I know how scared how full of fear and that’s the crazy thing if you would ask me when I came in here and said when they talked about fear I’d be like I’m not afraid of anything I don’t care if I die that would have been my answer and I would have believed it 100% And I went there and I told them that I had my attitude was just my demeanor they just know my demeanor was totally different and he knew that and I just said hey you know I I really need to make amends um and I really need to tell you that I regret that terribly and I went over it and I said you know is there anything I left out you want to tell me how how that made you feel he said well you know what you don’t know maybe is that after that day my dad in the office when he berated me he never let me forget it he berated me the rest of my life because of that fight I was never anything in his eyes cuz I let you beat me up cuz his dad was so screwed up in his little stuff that’s his junk but that fight I cause caused this separation from him and his dad in his relationship now that’s his dad stuff I realize but I was an instrument in that and so it wasn’t just a little fight it wasn’t little consequence we got some suspension I had negatively affected this guy’s relationship with his father period and I’m just sitting there thinking I thought it was one of those just knockout nothing hey sorry about beating you up okay what can I do great high five see you you know nope every time I went it was always something way more and I’d be like oh my God you know I’m not prepared for this you know and I’m praying my sponsor said when remember agitate or doubtful pray I’m going oh God God God got you know and uh and then he tells me he said all I really wanted and at this time a store full of people he just starts sobbing all I ever wanted was all I ever wanted was sincere apology I looked at him and I started to cry said man I am so sorry I had no idea I am so sorry is there anything I can do to make it right and he said well my sister’s dying a heroin can you talk to her and out of these amends when I made amends to these people when I go to them these people I beat up I’d go to them and I go to this guy uh another guy met he said to the aleno club I said people go sober he goes yeah I wasn’t drinking in high school man but I I hit alcohol and crack After High School and I like that’s a good combination he goes yeah I’ll meet you there so I start talking goes these step work you’re talking about and this guy he goes i’ never heard of that he said you know what it’s great news this other guy uh Steve and he said you know they got this new epoxy in Japan I can eat an apple now cuz i’ knocked his teeth out he had this permanent Bridge he had to always pull it out to eat an apple permanently affected this guy every time he went to go eat every day he had to pull it out and eat and then put it wash it put it back in and goes oh I can eat an apple for the first time God I feel like a winner you know and I’m thinking God can’t I never thought I affected people very much at all and every time I going to these people tell them what I did and how sorry I am and I’m and then he asked me this is the crazy thing about it these men’s that guy asked me to help his sister so I start calling to try to help her I’d love to tell you how she was this great a star now but she never wanted it I don’t know what happened I don’t know if she’s alive or dead chances are probably not and then Steve he asked me he said man my sponsor not talking about any of the stuff you’re talking about out of the book right cuz now I’ve become what I hate I’m a shiny happy person with a big book everywhere I go you can always tell them com and they’re carrying their big book I got my big book we got to talk about how great it is again you know and uh and he invites hey will you take me and my girlfriend through I’m like uh or no he said me and this other guy and I said yeah and I and then I show up to this thing of this Cabana this apartment building this little house and we show up and I’m start this starts happening I start becoming this Ambassador for AA every time I’m doing amends people are asking for help or can you help somebody I know or help I’m just like this is the weirdest thing ever I thought I was just to go apologize pay the money back and he always said you know it’s not your money it’s God it’s their money it’s God’s money you’re you’re a bad Steward here you go and he says you know when they want the money it’s with interest buddy I’m like ah I don’t I don’t like those instructions is is there some wait where’s the claw I know there’s one in here right you know and uh when it’s not you know and uh I started making checks out I actually was able to hold a job I could not hold a job I even got fired from a paper route swear to God it’s stupid it’s a Mindless job paper paper right I got fired cuz I they used to put the inserts the advertisements in there and then one day they wanted us to do it oh the demands right they’re demanding of me who do they think they are so I would just take them and I Chuck them one day I was so pissed off because I had like three or four of them and I was like oh nuh-uh and I threw him on the street in protest like screw them the guy comes down and Nerf get us in this Corvette his license plate said Dan the Man total 70s he was still living there this is like 1980s now but now he’s got like the the gold chain thing that damn the man you know the feathered hair was terrible and uh let me see your papers he look he’s like yeah you’re fired I’m like he’s like you have a nice walk home I go good it’s right there I was right next to my house made him really mad thought I had like walk forever to my house like yeah see you here you go and uh um I also had a job with my neighbor it was uh pushing a janitorial thing around it was just empting trash unfortunately the first garbage can was next to this thing said Spirit of Washington and it was wine it was a wine tasting store their garbage was super clean I would take it and I would lift up cuz in wine tasting just take a little taste spit it out whatever and they wouldn’t put it back on the shelf or save it they just toss it so I had these full bottles of alcohol and I’d empty in the thing i’ go back in the little closet and i’ start drinking right I never made it to the other garbage cans I get calls hey Brendon we’re getting calls they’re overflowing what I was just down there yeah I know that one is really EMP that one’s empty but I can’t I’m like oh and I can eventually drug him along drug him along and finally said I can’t do this you you’re you’re done I embarrassed my family um I embarrassed him CU that was a contract he trusted me I had to go make amends to him and he goes ah but it explained to him finally why what happened happened he couldn’t understand he’s like what is wrong with this kid he empties one and go he’s already there why doesn’t he do anymore never made any sense and he went oh oh and then he felt bad he’s like oh my God I’m so sorry and I’m like what are you apologizing for well no I go I’m apolog are you sure I’m like yes yes I’m sure if I don’t report this back to my sponsor I’m going to do like 50 laps right so so I tell him I’m sorry and I do this stuff you know and I go you know the hardest one I ever had to do was my mom you know my mom the one I bered and told I can’t even tell you the things I told my mom I was awful to that woman and she’s still welcomed to me at one point she had to put the black plastic bag on the doorstep wasn’t even full it’s like my stuff right like little little sack and uh here you go kid I can’t do this with you yeah and I’m like how am I going to eat go get food stamps I did I had to I wasn’t I needed to go eat so I had to go over to this this government service thing and they gave me emergency food stamps I crashed on my buddy’s couch kept partying and uh we ate well and uh you know it’s like I went back to my mom though and and I go you know I sat down and I was like I was so terrified I was like ah John I don’t know this one and he goes what do you mean he goes I know what going to happen I do you know how much money I owe this do you know what I did the car I started adding it up I thousands and thousands of dollars and he was like uh-huh he’s like she’s going to make me work for like eight bucks an hour dude for the rest of my life and he’s like you would be lucky if she let you and gave you the opportunity to make this right what are you talking about I was like oh yeah where you have believe it right you know and uh so I go to her and I tell my mom and I just said you know I stole all this I did all this I did all this I did all this my mom stops and this is one of those things where you just I always miss the actual amends on a lot of times and this is one of them I thought I covered everything cuz I wanted to make sure I did this one absolutely true cuz I owed her the most she never once gave up on me threw me in treatment a couple times always said I love you and even when I was going crazy and saying you probably need a meeting I’m like you need a meeting you know back at her I did all the time it’s my program not your program and uh she finally stopped and she just looked at me in in just a calm voice she didn’t say I need you to work for me for $7.50 an hour for the rest of your life you will live under my roof forever and take care of me and wipe my butt when I’m old uh she said oh honey I’m just so glad you all lived dude right here just just pierced my heart and I realized one thing I missed when I left all those nights when I left and departed and when I went places my mom wondered is this the last time I’m ever going to see my son alive and not just with one son with multiple Sons she had five boys one of them the first one was like The Golden Child top 1% of GPA in America National Merit Scholarship Finance is what they call it I mean just super Golden Child the rest of us not as much we competed for records right hey how many felonies do you have you know and uh but I realized that the pressure that she was under I I can’t imagine I can imagine better now I have two little girls 2 years old and four years old Fiona and Nora beautiful girls and I look at them and it hit me one day and I just started crying I was like oh my God I can’t even imagine if they if they start doing this and they’re leaving and I’m wondering are they safe has something happened to them that shouldn’t be are they going to die I can’t even imagine and yet that’s the life she lived that’s the amens I owed her and so my amens isn’t complete with my mom just cuz I went and I approached her my amens is complete because I’m a living amends she knows I’m in Iceland we talked several times on the phone but she doesn’t worry about me in Iceland it doesn’t worry at all we talk about God we talk about sobriety she’s a black belt Elan on very annoying at times but she loves me and I love her I have a key to her house at one point she made the executive of her estate out of all my brothers she trusted me the most crazy we don’t get whole just because we see the problem that’s not enough I did these amends and I get into 10 and I start living in the now in the constant like I have to start when I start seeing these Character defects and things like that in 10 I start writing an inventory and talking to people I start calling people like hey man I start getting current and honest and not just dumping drama discussing it looking at it from a spiritual Avenue here going ah cuz I can’t see a lot of stuff that’s happening in my life I’m there’s something not quite here I don’t understand and they’ll say well it’s obvious it’s this just like the other stuff in my inventory we it’s so obvious to them but not to me that still sometimes happens today I don’t have this magic crystal ball now just because I saw it once so now I get to do that and then I do look at 11 at night when we review our day and we have a set of questions and in the 11 it says prayer and meditation and you know what I I start my day like I always do I have some type of spiritual book because it says the steps aren’t the solution the steps are the answer right they lead you to the solution is what they do they’re just a guide to get you to the point of the solution that relationship with God as you understand God that you honestly asked yourself what does it mean to you so I have the power in which I could live I have the capacity to be honest I do not have the ability the capacity is there the ability must come from a power greater than myself because left to my own devices I do the other stuff right I’m not very good at Living I manipulate I do things to get my way my survival mode it works in opposite of me I get up this morning and I read my spiritual book I read some material I pray I meditate and I start my day my sponsor used to say if you leave the house Brendan without doing that it’s like leaving your house without your spiritual Underpants and uh he gave me great metaphors that I could use to laugh about cuz he knew that I loved laughter and I love he knew he could reach me and so I’d leave the house and I go oh I go back and I had to write notes all over it’s a new way of living I don’t know how to live that way it’s not like I just wake up like oh I got a new way of living I didn’t do that I put notes on my clock on my bed on my mirror on my on my bedroom door on the bathroom door on the bathroom mirror I put them finally the last one is always took an envelope and I just put a weird envelope some kind of random envelope I put it right there in the front dash and i’ blow oh yeah I got I got to pray medic pray medic like 20 times through my house no s no no stop stop don’t leave the house without it your spiritual Underpants thing right I get to my car I I promise to do them and I get all the way the car and there’s the endv up like ah off walk back in the house sit down do my prayer meditation even though I’m running late and it’s the funny thing is is there’s this this writer EMT Fox and Bill W Bill Wilson used to listen to him all the time he’ go to the golden uh M Square Gardens in New York this guy would talk to just thousands of people and his right if you read his stuff it reminds you a lot of the big book but he talked to there’s this one part in there he says those that don’t take time taking not taking time for prayer and meditation means you will take plenty of you will have plenty of time for worry remorse misery Etc this thing about I don’t have time is such a lie because if you don’t you’re basically saying to the universe hey bring it on buddy I challenge you me versus the sea right I’m going to hold back the tide things are going to go well and I’m wondering why I’m struggling why I’m having problems and the reason is because I didn’t start in my spiritual solution the spiritual answer is the key and that leads me to this awareness and this Awakening and I’m not done growing it will continue for my lifetime it tells me that I’m not some super AA guy or some Guru or anything I’m just a drunk just like you I am you you are me right we are doing this thing my home group back home is called shoulder to shoulder page 152 I walk this thing shoulder-to-shoulder with the new guy every day because when I wake up and he wakes up we’re staying sober one day sure I got some one days in a time and sure it’s been a long time of one days and I’ve done some things and there’s some things I can pass on out of experience and information from this book right the spiritual answer but I’m shoulder-to-shoulder with these guys I’m not above or below right my ego wants to be the best or the worst how about just being a worker among workers kind of thing right that’s hard that’s hard just being average right average say it it’s hard to say right it’s like and might as well say weak right loser right and when I do that you know I start to leave my spiritual it’s like when I start doing that I treat people a little bit better actually I don’t always treat them the best I’m still fallible I’m Still Human just cuz I’m in recovery and alcoholic doesn’t mean I’m not human I don’t have faults I don’t have Character defects I give them all to God say every single one of them good or bad here you go sometime you know God always makes use of what he has and if you got a giant ego well you know what God might use that in some way you’ll reach some people that I can’t touch and that’s the step 12 thing is that having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps the result we try to care this much other alcoholics still suffer and practice these principles in all our affairs and he talks about what that is a better demonstration lies before us in our respective homes occupations and Affairs I don’t think it’s by mistake they said homes first not a mistake it’s hardest for me to be the to be spiritual and to treat people the best at home closest to me you notice that I mean there’s always the joking with friends right like you treat strangers oh so can I help you blah blah your friends fall down you’re like right there’s that kind of stuff but there’s also like when you’re at home and we treat people close to us not so well all the time it’s hardest for me when I’m talking to my mom and I have to scream at myself in my head going do you remember what she dealt with you idiot stop being a jerk you know and it’s that simple sometimes in my head I’m like sorry Mom and I’ll pause and I’ll listen my mom wants to Mother me still it drives me crazy seriously we were just laughing about it the other day and I ended the conversation like that’s okay Mom I love you you’re my mother and you’re still mothering me and you will always mother me mother and she goes that’s right I am your mother I love you love you too Mom bye good night honey she’s checking up on me oh okay are have are you being safe now did you I’m like oh my God I’m 42 stop you know and uh you know what I need to let her I need to allow my mom the answer isn’t to fight her the answer is to allow her you’re my mom I’ll let you mother me if that’s what you need you know what how much am I really sacrificing to sit there and just listen to her really out of all the stuff that she wondering if I’m going to live or die and I won’t listen on a phone for a couple seconds to her mothering me that’s a pretty good trade-off if you ask me she got the short end of the stick I have to carry this in all my Affairs and step 12 it’s beyond that so I start meeting with other guys and you know what we talk a lot about this the people that travel with me you know we we talk a lot about this we know when people are in trouble we saw we see them stop sponsoring people I remember no one asked me to sponsor them for a year and a half when I first got finished a year and a half because they knew how crazy I was right had to wait for the new population to come and didn’t know who I was but one day I go to my sponsor and I go no one asked me to sponsor and all these people and he’s just like well that’s not what our literature says Brendan and I go what are you talking about he goes yeah at the end of the announcement we all ra who’s willing to be sponsors but that’s just that’s just like an added thing in case people are afraid or they want to know who wants to sponsor who can who’s been through the steps because they don’t know who we are he goes but our literature says that we make the approach on the sick man you’re supposed to look for the face of hopelessness in this AA meeting and approach them and I went oh okay he goes why don’t we say a prayer so we said a prayer that you know God would deliver somebody that night you know that maybe I could have somebody to sponsor after the meeting there’s this guy Bill of course not W different bill but Bill and so after the meeting bill and I started talking I said hey man I didn’t even talk that night but we started talking he just there was that connection so I said that prayer we talked to him and the Wall came down we started talking hey you got a sponsor no you got a book no you got here’s a book B’s get you book blah BL blah you know I’m not not overpowering but I’m just like you know hey you know like how would I want to be approached if I was this guy that’s what it says and I said hey man well and I I made the option I’ve didn’t demanded I said well do you want to go through do you need a sponsor yet do you want to go through steps and he’s like well yeah I’m like okay why don’t you meet him at my house at Wednesday at this time oh yeah cool dude all right get a numbers blah blah exchange tell them where I live you know it’s not too far from the meeting and all this then he calls me later hey man I’m like thinking he’s already canceling first guy he’s gone I didn’t get to meet him you know and I’m I’m you know I’m like hey how’s it going Bill and he’s like hey good man hey just want is it okay if I bring my buddy here I was telling him and he’s excited to I’m like oh yeah bring him along calls me again he’s like hey man every bu Jason I’m like yeah dude whatever and hey man another guy no I’m Different Jason he wants to come I’m like Bill how about this whoever wants to come can come he goes oh cool man later okay see you Wednesday night rolls around right I open the door I live in this big log cabin right out in the woods and I open this big huge you know open the door and there’s eight guys God has a sense of humor I don’t have any span You Don’t Love Me 0 8 guys I don’t have a spony I got a workshop I’m like oh my God I put him I go through my house and there’s this little another huge door out the back like I mean it’s a real Old Log House a real log house I open the door this huge door you know they go in there and I sh it’s got Big Timber you know everything I shut it you know and didn’t lock him in that’s from their side you know and I shut I’m going out my phone like hey hey John guys BR hey he that build I got eight guys and I got this tiny room I’m not I mean it’s tiny there I got like a single bed a little bit of room a sauna another little bit of room and a bathroom and they’re like sitting around my bed like this and a couple guys on the floor and there’s no room to walk they’re all like crammed in this little room and I’m like I don’t know what to do he goes read the black part click oh great instructions right I don’t have to think I just got to read and you know what it tells me share my experience I start sharing my experience and they’re doing this just like I was doing yeah yeah and then they start sharing their story and their their unbelievable story is like these moments of lapse and why they drank again and I’m asking him why I’m doing the same thing John did to me yeah now it’s my turn right oh buddy so uh why do you think you’re an alcoholic you know I’m loving it I’m getting excited I’m going out hey we got to this part what do I do what I just like dude just read the black part it will you need to and he starts telling me I need to pray for intuition it’s not an intellectual exercise it’s a spiritual exercise not passing on knowledge you’re passing on experience of the heart the experience strength and hope and the spiritual answer which is God may you find him now and I was like click you know he’s good at clicking that was back in the days we actually had a phone by the way and the cell phones now it sucks you’re like you know little they don’t hear anything we need an app that does the old noise I’m hanging up on you we do that extra one you know when you’re really mad at somebody hope they heard it you know die you know and uh anyway so so yeah so these guys start getting the crazy thing is this these guys are excited there’s this group of guys and they’re getting fired up and we’re doing inventories and I’m listening to their inventories and I’m sharing these stories and these guys are looking at me going no way man no way you are not like that dude you look so calm and peaceful you’re telling me like you’re this Psychopathic dude murdered I’m like dude I’m telling you man and like every once in a while someone would come an alcoholic synonymous who partied with me and I would there’s one of particular she came I was like 10 years sober she comes in people like hey are those stories she’s like oh yeah that guy was and she tells it and I’m just like it’s not a thing of Pride anymore it’s a thing of like hey man look where I came from look what God did for me what I could not do for myself no counselor no drug therapy I live a life I shouldn’t be alive I really shouldn’t the closest to Iceland I should have gotten if I was still alive would have been in a prison I might have got a magazine in the library about Iceland it’s about as close as I would have gotten to this place cuz my family that’s where we go jails institution and death there’s a part in this book it says that the minor is like he struck gold an unlimited load but he can only keep it if he insists on giving away all the prophet Prophet being all of his needs were met and paid for and then all the extra went back to you and he would always have it forever if he just kept giving it away the moment he hoarded or kept to himself done dried up dead no more the reason we always have that our father is because the prayer outlines all our principles my daily bread everything I need for that day forgive me my trespasses right and those who trespass against us forgiveness was a huge thing in my recovery and it was very difficult from some of the stuff that came forward but I had to forgive my dad’s relationship was the worst and that one was finally healed when a guy I was want never miss a chance to wash dishes in AA if you got cups to wash trust me do it I had the best conversations with people around some dirty soapy water and one in particular was at a retreat and he said how’s it going with your dad cuz he knew that was a sticking point for me I went to lots of therapy we did some good work that’s I’m not saying therapy is bad I’m saying I did lots of therapy and it helped but there’s this one thing I just could never get over and it was one day where he looked at me he said well Brendon is pretty simple you need a new idea around your dad I went what are you talking about he goes you have this idea of your dad that he’s going to show up and do this he goes it’s reasonable it’s perfectly reasonable that you should expect that of any father but here’s the problem your dad doesn’t have the power to do it does he and I was like oh I think he’s proven he doesn’t huh and I go yeah you’re right and he goes it’s I can’t remember the exact word but basically he was saying to me communicating that it’s unfair of me to demand that of my father when he’s incapable of delivering and so he doesn’t do what he can’t do because he doesn’t have the ability he doesn’t have the power to do it he can’t meet my demands even though they have seem good right that actor on 6263 even though our motives are good my motives are good everything’s good here but he can’t live up to them and I’m torturing him punishing him for it and he pisses me off again well I guess I’ll just forgive the jerk again good old dad he said here’s the thing Brandon you don’t get to demand what that looks like that new idea you need to turn that over to God and ask God how is your dad supposed to show up in your life and i’ sat out there I can’t tell you how many times you know doing the I forgive you finally and forever I I tried the marann Williamson thing I surround you with light you know and all this stuff and damn it Fox cease finally and forever I let you go all this all these forgiveness things I ran across and it wasn’t until I abandoned the idea around my dad entirely set it aside just like in the beginning of the step workor when it tells us to set aside everything we think I know but ourselves our disease these steps and especially you for an open mind and a new experience with myself my diseas these steps and especially you God set him aside entirely and when I did that and I asked God how’s this supposed to show up my life one day we were emailing and my dad did the normal dig haven’t heard from you in a while yeah neither you jerk you know and uh takes two to tango you know and uh and I just said yeah Dad sorry about that you know I’ve been kind of absent haven’t we haven’t talked in a while and I don’t know how it happened but we started talking about the past and we started talking about what had happened and I said yeah you know we probably could have we probably could have been helped by some counseling he said yeah you’re probably right and there was a line in there that I don’t know it’s just one of those God things it just kind of comes out you’re like looking at the screen going I did not just type that you know but I asked him I’m like I’m sure it was difficult for you wasn’t it and I asked him how his experience was cuz when he left he got kicked out my mom called the cops and he left finally hit her for the last time and the cops were there and my brothers actually thought they were there for me cuz that was normal um but they were for my dad you know it’s like I asked them how difficult cuz after that we were taking bets on who would kill dad first and not in a joking way in a serious way we’d plot around how we would do it and that no that’s not so we kept thinking about it n we’ll get caught no that’ll happen and uh and then one and when he was saying that he said yeah you know he goes yeah it was difficult for me there was a lot of anger so in some ways it was easier cuz I said you know it felt like this I told him how felt like we he got remarried and these adult children I’d call and he’d be golfing with all all of them he’d be he’d be doing all these things that I wanted to do with my dad I got the crappy thing and they get all the they got all the best parts what’s up with that it’s unfair right it’s so unfair and he said yeah you know in some ways you’re right it was easier and we started talking and he said you know I know you like fishing and you know what the one thing I the one thing I always wanted was to go fishing with my dad I love fishing I didn’t buy way I didn’t know what I liked when I got sober I did not know I forgot what I liked in life things had lost flavor I went skiing one day downhill skiing I’ve been skiing since I was four I was really good at it one day I just stopped I went skiing in some Bri I’m like oh my God I love skiing I forgot how much I love it I bought I bought crazy gear you know I mean Back Country gear I got trackers body finders basically and uh you know hiking up Peaks and I’m mountaineering and I’m going down these crazy shoots going me and God this is awesome you know I’m fishing on rivers and I’m fishing I’m catching salmon and trout and all this stuff I’ve never I have a lawn chair fishing po into a box all the time skis are ready to go in the winter I am I am enthusiastic about life I’m actually enjoying life again I’m standing out there in the middle of nowhere at times fishing and I hear these I don’t know about around here what you have but I have these redwing black birds in the wetlands and they have one of the most beautiful calls I’ve ever heard I’m just sitting out there and I get these moments where like you know here’s this here’s this tough guy right and I’m crying I’m weeping out in the middle of the Wilderness fishing for wild Cutthroat tra out tears of joy these aren’t tears of sadness just overwhelmed with gratitude just going God thank you I have a life I actually don’t want to die I want to live I want to do things with my life thank you and I would have just settled for not wanting to die my dad you know that one day he decides he drives up and it’s a long distance he leaves early comes to my house gets in the car we drive out by near this place called anoris in the washing little fishing area we hike we walk in it’s not really a hike it’s a walk in used to be the old Reservoir it’s a very popular place but that day you know what there wasn’t one person there and it was Bluebird Sky calm lake and I’m looking over and I’m just in utter disbelief I’m fishing I’m looking over and there’s my dad he’s fishing next to me and I remember I took a picture I said it was my brothers they like no no way dude you got the old man to go fishing how in the hell did you do that they couldn’t believe it cuz he’s a self-centered selfish alcoholic with untreated alcoholism but there he is I sent that prayer out let him go and said God it’s up to you how he’s supposed to show up and there we are fishing I have no I have no explanation stuff like that happens I’m just like that’s God I have no other explanation and my dad and I are friends today and uh he wants to see my girls I got married I had a couple kids I never thought I’d get married well I never thought I’d get Bast 25 so let’s start there never past 25 never get married never have kids you know the spiritual life is not a theory we have to live it I just walked through the last uh year and a half of my sobriety going through uh a divorce and it sucked it ripped me in half I could July 29th 2014 came home not there I’ll tell you there are moments in your sobriety you just think really God I’m 24 20 23 years so back then and I come home to this I’m on my knees balling going what in the hell is this wondering what the hell one of my daughter’s 11 months she’s not even a year old yet you know at that point and uh you know we’re friends today right now and we’re we’re amicable um but they live now now up on the Canadian border a ways away from me I moved up halfway between my family and hers to be closer for her to her family CU it was very important to her and I wanted to do that uh I get to see him every Tuesday for three hours and every other weekend it’s the way it is where I’m from I had to fight for that too you know and it was like but there’s a lot of this reliving see this is what happens I start this is unfair this thing I can get into right and thinking about the commissioner and the judge and like I’m going to kill them you know and uh that’ll solve it right and uh but what I had to do is the the biggest principle it said in there was that I started using the steps right it says we have ceased fighting anything or anyone and here’s the miracle this thing I could have gotten really screwed up and twisted around this unfair I have Justified anger This is BS and I could have just ripped it up and I let her say whatever she wanted to say and I didn’t defend myself I didn’t run around in all the meetings and talk about an AA and all that I didn’t you know you what I did I called them the guys I sponsor and I met with them I started picking up new guys and I started meeting with them more and it wasn’t a distraction I still had to go through the pain and I went I went to more counseling it sucked and I still go through moments where it really sucks but I have a spiritual solution to all my problems even the worst stuff and you know what I don’t have to drink cuz it didn’t you know what I remember sitting there to tell you the total truth I remember I was underneath in the closet underneath the stairs cuz that’s where I like to go apparently and uh I’m there on my knees and I’m balling and I’m going you know what God even now I don’t think about drinking really and I was pissed I was thinking this is a good opportunity me just tie one on nothing he’ remove from me I was pissed I was like I just laugh and I started laughing because I can laugh at myself about stuff now and you know what I walked through that and I didn’t drink I am asked to be of service and alcohol Anonymous I don’t know why I just am on different things I this goes back to that 12st step where there’s people that you can reach I can’t I may get up and do stuff like this at times but the real deal is in the AA meetings right you see that new guy walk in you can reach them or new woman for the women you know you can reach them I can’t each of us has a purpose and I don’t know what that is I don’t know where I’m going I never thought one I’d be alive past 25 I never thought I’d graduate college I graduate with 2 degrees sell molecular biology in English creative writing I mean it was stupid right you know and uh I was going to go to med school um I diverted course met my my ex-wife now but you know and we decided to go a different path but you know I own a business now I open an insurance agency I have employees that’s stupid I couldn’t balance any I couldn’t even have a a paper route right now I have a business and now I understand even more what it was like to employ me God you start to get stuff later it’s amazing so anyways I want to I want to I want to say this that if you have yet found a solution not found a solution right if you’re new and you’re looking for the aha I don’t know when that is for you I you couldn’t have planned it when it happened for me but I know if you’re willing enough to look honestly it is there hook up with somebody who’s been through the steps hook up with somebody who’s been through the work and if you’re sitting here dying with years sober I understand that also we start to get into this thing we think we can’t go through stuff and talk about it that’s equally dangerous so I hope that you heard a message of of Hope and I hope um that you will pass that on so that in 50 years from now that’s the great hope I have 50 years from now some guy walks in a in my local community who has no idea who I am but because somebody took the time with me and I in turn paid that back to somebody who paid it back to somebody who passed it on that guy was sitting there when that guy walked in he gets the same shot I did when I walked in he has the same equal opportunity to live a happy sober life happy about his sobriety a message which is the real answer which as I already said is right in this book The Greatest Secret was under my nose for years and I never knew it God bless and thanks thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day