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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Appreciate >> My name is Vern Spray and I'm an alcoholic.

>> This thing goes off while I'm talking and you can't hear me, let me know or whatever needs to be done. You may not want to hear me, but if you do, just raise your hand. And I don't know if it's going to feed back or not.

I may have to figure out how to play with this thing for a while. Just don't touch it at all. Huh.

I've done it already. Story of my life. I've been here 30 seconds and screwed it up.

I You people really do know how to throw a party. You really do know how to throw a party. Uh I'm not afraid of you.

Obviously, it's not afraid of me either. You people really do know how to throw a party. It's interesting this sign behind me.

Not as interesting as the speaker, but it's interesting as the sign behind me. Says sobriety. S O B I E T Y Sabide.

The attitude of this conference is wonderful. And I think between Can you not hear me? >> They're waving over here now.

Can you hear me? >> Okay. This sign says soiety.

The attitude of this conference is wonderful. And what it really tells me is what this is is almost a composite of AA. We don't have to get it perfect for it to be just right.

You know, I can't I I don't think it's any simpler than that. We don't have to get it perfect for it to be just right. Malaki called me and asked me to come to speak.

I really am appreciative to the committee that selected me to come. Uh this is a this is a conference that the attitude and the love has been so strong that I'm just grateful to be here. I've been fortunate to travel around the country quite a bit and speak.

I've been uh at conferences where many of the other speakers had great stories to tell and between the time they were talking and the time they left, I wouldn't have given two cents to have spent the rest any more time with them. Fortunately, there not many of those, but there are some. The speakers at this conference thus far have really rung my bell, both from up here and from the time I've spent with them personally.

To listen to Scott and Kelly, and to watch, see, I'm gray-haired and 56 years old. I came in this program when I was 42. I was 41, actually.

I have two children who are their age, uh, who have been in AA. My daughter's been in AA for 11 years and she's 31. My son's been in AA for seven, he's 25.

And they basically are that age. My daughter's story is much similar to Scott's story. And I'm so I'm just can I tell you the joy that I feel at these young people with this kind of sobriety and the joy I felt listening to them talk.

It's like watching a flower open. It's like watching especially Kelly last night was just struck with what is going on in her life and I sat there saying at a gal at a gal as the flower open and the awesomeness of spirituality as he's starting to surge through her body and listen to Scott working through some of the problems he's working through today. This man's 30 years old.

When I was 30 years old I was trying to find the bathroom, you know, and at that time I had a college degree and a medical degree and I was still trying to find the bathroom. And when I found out I needed help to figure out what to do when I got there, you know, David and and and in his talk, the simplicity of it. See, I used to I consider that almost a naive.

And that was something I didn't really want to have. I wanted to swagger. And if you didn't swagger, then you didn't have it.

A knowing look on my face that I wanted to have. So you'd think I really knew what the heck was happening when I didn't have any clue what was happening. and to listen to that naivity and that beauty at beauty and that simplicity.

My son went through treatment at the treatment center that Melinda was talking about and I know what this lady is. She is an absolute bundle of love and that whole treatment program that he went through was a was just a bundle of love and you just saw the tip of the love bird today because how much can you really show in that period of time? She showed a lot but I really knew this lady to be exactly what she told you just pure love.

Mary Kay I've not met but her countenance tells me that we're in for a treat tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. I'm really looking forward to it. I am grateful to be here and I thank those people who asked me to come.

Maliki what a treat this afternoon the dooenberries. You know, it's interesting as I unfold this talk. Neil Diamond was very instrumental in in at the time I was drinking and sweet Caroline was something I used to cry about when I was drinking and now I cry about it sober and they hadn't done it and I don't know how long and they started doing it today.

My wife looked at me and she said, "Welcome home, sweet Caroline." You know, and to see that family unity. What a treat. What a treat.

As I get older, my memory gets to failing sometimes. And I always tell this joke to start off my talk because I want you to recognize if my memory fails, I've got an out. And and when when Malaki and I first met, I was speaking at a conference called Mountaintop Roundup.

And I literally blanked out in the middle of that talk. Just went just blanked out. I didn't go to pieces.

I thought it was funny. I just blanked out. Couldn't remember.

Father Hillary was sitting there and I looked at him. I said, "Father Hillary, have you ever heard my talk?" He says, "Yes, I have my son." And he and he said I said, 'Well, uh, do you believe in the power of prayer?' And he said, "Yes, I do, my son. Here's 500 people sitting out there while I'm carrying on this conversation where this bishop was at." I said, "Well, if you believe in the power of prayer and you've heard my talk, then you better start praying fast or you're going to have to finish this or the whole night's over cuz I'm getting ready to sit down." I mean, I lost it.

These two old priests, this one priest was 95 years old and uh his mind was still razor sharp. He could remember facts. He couldn't remember dates, but he couldn't remember names.

So he figured out a way to do that. Inside his lapel, he wrote down every name that he would have to remember if he was going to do something. So at this particular meeting, he was celebrating the retirement of one of his proteges who was 70 years old who was retiring.

So he stood in front of the crowd and he said, 'I want to I'm very grateful to be here celebrating the retirement of my dear friend, my most loyal friend, my protege for though these lo these many years, Father Patrick O'Reilly, who has labored long and hard in this parish, my favorite parish, my my most favorite parish, the parish of St. Michael. But most of all, I'm grateful for father who has labored long and hard in the vineyards of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Yeah. And it gets that way sometimes. If I go in Jesus Christ, you know I'm in trouble.

So that's when everybody claps and starts laughing or it's all over. I gave a talk in southern Indiana right across the river from from Louisville. And I walked into this room and I knew most of the people that were there and they knew me but I normally didn't go to this meeting.

I was there to talk at a birthday and I've been going there every year to talk at this fell's birthday for about 10 years. As I walked in the back door, one of them said, "Hey Burns, you talking around?" I said, "Yeah." And he said, "Well, keep it honest and keep it short." I said, "Well, I'm not sure I can do both." He said, "Then keep it short." Humility comes easy in this program. It's called sponsors and the group conscience, right?

Well, I'm not sure how short it will be. Uh, some of you it won't be as short as you'd like, but it will be honest and it will be my experience, strength, and I'm not going to tell you I'm going to say is the best, the right way, the only way to recover. It will be my experience.

And the book tells me that my greatest treasure is my experience. Some of you are not where I am tonight. I'm not where some of you are tonight.

You may not be able to relate to what I'm going to say. You may have some things you need to tell me when I'm finished. I may have some things that you want to ask me about and I'm available for anybody who wants to come and talk with me after this talk because you may not relate and I really want us to share and I really would love to hear from you if there's something you want to talk to me about.

But it will be my experience, strength and hope. The one thing I have noticed consistently beside the fact that alcohol whipped us is that each of us when we come in this program drags drags an incredible amount of pain. Pain that is almost touchable.

Pain that you can almost define by the way it looks. Certainly we know how it feels. I found only one power that is strong enough to deal with that pain.

It's the power of love. It's the power of love. When I was a little boy in Sunday school kindergarten in Western Kentucky and Mayfield, I used to swing in that little swing and they'd say, "God is love." And when I came to you people and you said, "Make a decision to turn my life and my will over the power of God." All I could think of was God is love.

God is love. God is love. Approximately three years ago, I became almost obsessed with the idea that maybe AA was in trouble.

I thought, my god, it's not going to it's not going to continue to exist. And I talked to a young man who is down in Texas and he said he actually an older fellow who told me he said he heard Bill Wilson giving one of his last talks and someone asked him, "Bill, how long will AA be here?" And he said, "It'll be here as long as God wants it to be." So that took me off the hook. I don't have to worry about that anymore.

That kind of got me out of that catber seat. But I did ask a fellow, a lady named Geraldine D up in uh New Jersey who's been sober now close to 50 years. And I asked her one time, I said, "Is there a difference, Geraldine, between when you came in AA and now?" And she didn't hesitate.

She said, "Yes." I said, "What's the difference?" She said, "When I came in, there was there were at least 20 old-timers for every newcomer." and she said, "Today there are almost always 20 newcomers for every old-timer." She said, "The challenge is that we must make sure that the principles are taught because maybe we will not be able to touch them one on-one like we would like." What I have found is that the face of AA is gradually changing the principles or not. You know the picture that shows the two men sitting beside the bed and there's a guy sitting on the bed in his t-shirt and this is a 12step call. That was the face of AA.

Three men sitting in a hospital room. And that became precious to us. Became precious to me because it was the principle of love.

Malaki and I talked at Bowmont, Texas approximately 4 to 6 months ago. And I saw how the face is changing. The principle is not.

I was a Saturday night speaker and on Saturday morning I got up to meditate and looked out across the pool. There were two little girls. I call them little girls cuz that's what they look like to me.

They were approximately 15 years old. 7:00 in the morning. They are sitting at a poolside table.

On the table beside them is the big book and a meditation book. And they're sitting opposite each other holding each other's hands like that. And they would sit silently like that.

And then they would turn and read from that book. And then they would turn and hold each other's hands. Two little girls.

The face of AA may be changing but the principle is people loving people as we each find that God is love. I have found some things that have been constant for me since I came into recovery. Interesting enough, not many.

Uh the first thing I have found that has not changed for me in recovery is that I am constantly changing. I am constantly changing. I would keep you know the alcoholic at least this alcoholic and all of y'all are just like me.

The ones of you I know I know are just like me. The ones I don't know I know are just like me. And what our our problem solving technique is that we take a square peg put it in a round hole.

When it doesn't fit we just get a bigger hammer and just beat it to death till we make that sucker fit. You know, well, that's the way it was in my recovery. Wham, hit the wall.

Wham, hit the wall. Wham, hit the wall. And each time I hit the wall, I kept falling down.

I'd see that there was a bloody nose. And I look in the mirror, and the only nose that was getting blooded was mine. And I began to realize that these were episodes for surrender.

The change that has occurred in my life, I've heard people say, "These are plateaus of growth," which I can relate to intellectually inside my soul. What I relate to have been different plateaus of surrender. Kelly was screaming it to us last night.

at a different plateau of surrender where I've surrendered to God's infinite power, infinite wisdom, and omniresence. In each situation, I've had to surrender usually through a six and sevenstep format after becoming entirely willing and doing the preparation. But I've had to surrender.

What he has sent back to me through each of you through many, many meetings, sponsors, and the support group is Burns, I love you, and I will give you the power. You got a job to do. Don't talk these steps to death.

Don't tell me what the big book says, do it. If you want it all, do the job. Do the job.

It took me 8 and 1/2 years to get that message to do the job. You hear Scott talk about the steps and the freedom he found when he did the steps. Two years, 5 years, 8 years, now 15 years.

Each of those have been significant periods of surrender when I've had to recognize that I am not going to be able to control it. But I have a distinct job to be able to understand and to be able to do the process. The second thing that has not changed in my life since I've been in recovery is that I am powerless over alcohol.

Alcohol whipped me. It left me nothing. It left me no dignity.

It left me no soul. It left me no heart. And it left me no hope.

It whipped me. I took amphetamine for 12 years with no alcohol. Amphetamine didn't whip me.

Oh, it put me in mental institutions. It destroyed a marriage. It got me kicked out of medical school, but it didn't whip me.

I quit taking amphetamine because it was messing up my life. Eight years of drinking, I quit drinking because it whipped me. Yeah, it messed up my life, but that was not what was bothering me.

What was bothering me was it whipped me. It left me nothing. When I'm sitting in a meeting, I hear somebody say, "Gosh, I'm really not sure I'm an alcoholic." I think it takes what it takes.

But if you're an alcoholic of my type, I hope you find out soon. Because it whipped me. It left me nothing.

The third thing that has not changed in my life, it'll take a power greater than me to restore me to sanity. Oh yeah, it took a power greater than me to restore me to sanity from the insanity of drinking. But I'm talking about the power greater than me to restore me to the to sanity from the insanity of sobriety.

I've made as many dumb decisions sober as I made drunk. I practice family medicine for 25 years. And a year ago, the first of January, I retired from family practice.

Actually, I became chairman of the impaired physicians for the state of Kentucky. As long as God wants me to be here, I will be here teaching, trying to teach doctors how to treat us, trying to teach us how to relate to doctors, trying to share my experience, strength, and hope. And I'm very grateful for that.

Approximately two years ago, I was walking down my office hall and that particular day, I was just fed up with me. You ever get fed up with yourself? You know, where you're just fed up.

And that day, I was just fed up with me. And what had prompted it is that my front office girl had gotten a chart out, didn't bring the patient back 25 minutes late. My nurse didn't take the temperature of the blood pressure, put the patient in the room 15 minutes late.

I walk in the room, the patient's on me with both feet and all the claws that she had. And I'm sitting there thinking, "Hey man, I didn't cause this." And but I'm diplomatic. I said, "Pardon me." And I walked out and did the only thing I could do under those circumstances.

I fired both the nurse, the nurse and the receptionist. And I sat there and I thought, that's dumb. And I thought, how long have I got to deal with this insatiable ego?

Now, I'm talking about the insatiable ego that says my way or the highway. I'm not talking about that insatiable ego that wants to skydive naked at the Super Bowl. You know, that's not the kind of ego I'm talking about.

And see, there's not one alcoholic in this room that wouldn't love to skydive naked at the Super Bowl. Those of us who are humble would wear a mask, you know. >> >> Yeah.

Yeah. But but let me tell you about the guys. All the guys would just love to wear a mask and say, "But they recognize me." Yeah.

No, I'm not talking about that kind of ego. I'm talking about my that ego says my way or the highway. And I did what y'all taught me.

10 steps. Each day we'll face self-centerness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. What do we do?

We ask God to remove it. We talk to somebody. We make our amends.

And we help somebody. This program is real simple. Not easy.

Wilson said that. Requires the destruction of self-centerness. Real simple.

I walked in, got on my knees, and I said, "God, please take this away, picked up the phone, called some people in the program I knew, and we talked." And I went back out, did the first thing I did, make amends, hired both the girls back. They hadn't left cuz I fired them the same way 6 months before they knew I was coming back. Made my amends.

went to the meeting that night, the men's meeting, which is my home group on Tuesday night. Walked into the meeting. I said, "Anybody got a problem?" I said, "Yeah, I got a problem." Said, "What's the problem?" At this time, I'm 13 years sober.

And I raised up my hand. I said, "Yeah, I got a problem." Said, "What is his burden?" I said, "How long have I got to deal with this insatiable ego?" There was kind of real stunned silence for a minute. Finally, one of the guys about my age, he'd been in the program for two years.

I sponsored the first year raised hand. He said, "Burns, I don't know how long you got to deal with it." Said, "But you taught me. We just had to deal with it for today.

You know, you raise them and they jump up and bite you right in the butt, don't you? Isn't this a wonderful program? There aren't no gurus.

Tonight's guru may not be able to pick his nose out, threatening his brain tomorrow night. You know, the group conscious doesn't allow. Tonight, we'll close hands in a circle and we'll say the Lord's Prayer.

Ain't that wonderful? No gurus. No gurus.

How long have I got to deal with this insatiable ego? In addition to one day at a time, what I found is to maintain that spiritual condition. I didn't find that.

It's written written in our book. And I tell you one of the hard one, you know, where I somebody the other night said, you know, he was scared he might lose $50 he was carrying in his pocket one night at the meeting. He said, "Where's the safest place I can put it?" Somebody said, "Put it in your big book.

Nobody will find it there." But it's written in that book, Maintain My Spiritual Condition. You know how I maintain that spiritual condition? I have a sponsor.

I have a home group. I go to 4 to 5 AA meetings a week. I still set up the coffee and the literature.

Set up the coffee in the literature. I work with other alcoholics. I do those 12 steps and it's taken me to a God of my understanding.

One of the interesting little twist that I found is today when I said, "Dear God, help me do the next right thing today." I found if I would just say, "Please don't let me do anything to hurt myself. or to hurt anybody else. It's a fascinating experience I've had.

Every time I hurt myself, you pay for it. Then I pay for it. But before I realize I pay for it, I'm going to blame you every single time.

Let me tell you what I mean by don't let me do anything to hurt myself. Like that telephone call that might start that clandestine affair. Pay my bills.

Don't scream at the IRS. Get up on time. Get to work on time.

Make those 12step calls. Those things that say don't let me do anything to hurt myself. And it's working very well.

Alcoholism has been called a a disease of perception. See, when you read that book also, it says, "Our problem is self-centerness driven by hundred forms of fear, self-d delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity." Maybe y'all can't relate to that. But the self-d delusion and fear, boy, do I know that in spades.

And driven by those hundred forms, I can make through this disease myself believe anything I want to believe, to do anything I want to do, whenever I want to do it, to anybody I want to do it to. Now, when I was drinking, it was to get drunk. Today it's just to get whatever I want.

And I'm going to tell you a joke about perception. I'm telling you this as a joke because I've been telling it for 10 years. It's a wonderful joke and I tell it beautifully.

It is incredible how well I tell this joke. And if you've heard it, laugh anyway. You'll probably laugh because I just tell it so well.

There's this airline pilot sitting at 10,000 ft. I don't know anything about flying, so give me a little poetic license. He said at 10,000 ft.

The ceiling's 100 ft off the ground. and he's calling the tower and the tower says, "You got one chance to land this plane. If you put that plane on that runway, you got to stop it.

You got one chance to stop it." He said, "Now, if you don't want to try it, you don't have to try, but you got one chance to stop it." He said, "All right, I'm going to try to land." He said, "You don't have to." "No, I can do it." Said, "All right." So, he comes down through that 100 foot sea and throws that plane on that runway, throws on the brakes, the tiresque wheel, smoke comes up off of the tires, knows the plane, comes right up over the edge of the runway, just sits there and shutters and settles down. The pilot is just sitting there sweating to beat. heck.

He turns around to the co-pilot and he says, "I believe that's the shortest runway I've ever seen." Co-pilot sitting there sweating, turns around, looks at him, he said, "Yeah, but did you notice how wide it is? You can see, you can hear the people as it ripples through the crowd. They're coming up with it.

They figure it out why. Well, they had a common problem, but a different perception. My recovery was the same thing.

A difference in perception. Let me tell you about. I was born and raised in a little town in western Kentucky named Mayfield.

Little town of about 10 or 12 thousand. I was born in a home where there were no alcohol and there were no drugs. My grandfather died drinking lie water in the Mayfield city jail.

My mother was raised in that home where she was molested physically, emotionally, and sexually. She brought that family disease of alcoholism in our home. And if you don't believe that there's a disease that occurs that way, if you haven't been in the middle of it, most of you have, then read the family afterward.

What it in essence says, if you're around us when we're drinking, you get goofy. And mother got goofy. Loving, gentle, kind little lady.

But she dragged that whole disease of alcoholism into our home. They had an interesting way of treating alcoholics in Mayfield at that time in the mid-30s. Aa had not started.

When my grandfather got drunk, they put him in jail. When he sobered up, they put him out in a chain gang with shackles around his ankles. He sweeped the Mayfield city streets in a chain gang.

And mama used to walk to school at least once a month past her daddy sweeping the Mayfield city streets. When I was in treatment and I got ready to leave after two months and they asked me to stay another month and I said, "No, I'm going home. I know what you told me to do." They said, "Well, you ought to stay cuz you haven't dealt with your anger." And I said, "You kissed my behind." Of course, I've dealt with my anger.

Only I didn't say behind, Skinny. I said, "But I'm using behind tonight. I want you to know that.

I want you to know that." Skinny taught me a lesson one time, but I had a good message. Just watch my language. And I've always remembered that and I've always been grateful for it.

Did you kiss my behind? I have dealt with my anger. He said, "No, you haven't, but come out here.

I want you to sit in this little circle." So there about 30 in a circle and I sit out in the middle. The counselor is opposite me and I was opposite the counselor. He said, "Answer me as quick as you can.

Just like that. Don't worry about what I ask. Don't worry about what you say.

Just answer me." First thing he said was, "Who do you hate most in this whole world?" I said, "I hate my mother's guts." And through a series of questions that seemed like a week, but it's about 45 seconds, I ended up on my knees, grasping him around his calves, screaming how much I love my mother and how much I hated me. And he picked me up and kissed me on the cheek. And he said, "Now you know what the problem is.

Go home and get into Alcoholics Anonymous, and you will be all right if you do what they tell you to do." He said, "But I want you to remember one thing. Remember the pain of your mother. remember the pain of your mother.

And when I pictured my mother walking to school past her daddy in a chain gang, sweeping the Mayfield city streets in a little town in western Kentucky, redneck all the way in the middle 30s, I knew her shame. And for the first time in my recovery, I began to feel what is the essence of recovery. I began to feel someone else's pain and wanted to help make that better.

wanted to help make that better. In that home, it was a supportive home. We went to church on Sunday.

We went to church on Wednesdays. There was a lot of love. There was a lot of support.

Mother's alcoholism came out in conditional love. If I was perfect, she talked to me. If I wasn't, she didn't.

So, I solved that problem. I became perfect. If you'd seen all my list of accolades when I was growing up, you'd have thought that maybe one day I'd be president of the United States.

But never an alcoholic. Alcohol was no problem for me in high school. It was no problem in college.

When I got into medical school, I walked into medical school. Let me tell you, every alcoholic I've ever known, I know what irritable, restless, discontented mean long before I took a drink. I know what it meant.

There's been a motor running in me. The professionals call it stimulus augmentation. We call it what Silfor said was irritable, restless, discontented.

But there's been a motor running in me as long as I can remember. Every drunk I've ever worked with, there's a motor running. We say we drink because it makes us feel better.

The reason we drink is because it makes us feel better is because that motor stops. And that motor said for me, get to A, get, and Scott can really relate to this. Get from A, get to B, get back to C.

What'd you miss at D? Get to A. You missed it at D.

Get back to C. Go to A. And that's the way it was.

I walked in that class. There were 100 members in that class. And I looked and 99 of them look like they ought to be doctors.

And I didn't. Straight A student high school, straight A student in college. And I felt like they look great.

They ought to be a doctor. I need to get the hell out of here. I can't be a doctor.

There ain't no way. There is no way I can be a doctor. I packed up to go home after about one week and as I was walking out of school, a good friend of mine walked up and gave me this little capsule and he said, "Take this.

It'll help you study." And he gave me an amphetamine. I took that amphetamine. And the motor stopped.

There only been three things I've ever found that stops my motor. Amphetamine, alcohol, and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Those are the only three things that I have found that stop my motor.

But amphetamine stopped my motor. First semester, my freshman year in medical school, I was number one in my class. Second semester, I was number 100.

Amphetamine owned me almost from the beginning. Two weeks before graduation, my senior year in medical school, 1962, I was kicked out of medical school causing an amphetamine rage, I beat up one of my medicine professors. They took me to the head of the department of psychiatry.

Dr. Keller looked at me and said, "Burns, what's wrong with you?" And I said, "I take too many drugs, Dr. Keller." He said, "We can help you with that." And I said, "What are you going to do?" He said, "We're going to put you in intensive psychiatric therapy.

You're going to figure out why you take that amphetamine. And once you figure out why you take it, you won't have to take it anymore. You're going, their perception of recovery is you're going to think yourself into a way of acting.

That's called cognitive thinking and cause and effect thinking. And it works beautifully in everyday living. If I'm standing on the curb and I see a bus coming, I cognitively say, if I don't want to get hit by that bus, I'm not going to step in front of it.

I've even learned today that if I say I'm going to pray and step out in front of that bus, it's still going to run over me every damn time. Whoop! Just like that.

So, cognitively, I've learned not to step out in front of that bus. And it works beautifully for daily living. It does not work, at least in my case, to stop me from taking amphetamine.

I'm not anti-sychiatry. Neither is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Carl Young and Harry Tibo were two psychiatrists who were major contributors to Bill Wilson's thinking and our program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I am anti- ignorance and that's why I've devoted my life as long as God wants me to teach those of in my profession how to treat us and there is a lot of ignorance but we're winning. There's a lot of ignorance in AA too and we're helping each other to overcome that. Psychiatry helped me.

They taught me how to identify feeling for two years. I was off amphetamine. Didn't take any drugs.

Didn't drink cuz alcohol was not a problem. when I got ready to go back into medical school and that feeling they taught me real fear a real resentment real anxiety when I came to you people you put it in a fourth step and shoved it through the rest of the steps to a spiritual solution that's exactly what happened but psychiatry did help me to properly identify feeling and many people I've worked with in the program of alcoholics anonymous really don't know what their feelings are they're bouncing all over heck of Georgia and they don't know how to identify them they don't know that anger can be fear they don't know that anger can be resentment all they know Did they know anger? Psychiatry helped me.

When I got ready to go back into medical school, psychiatrist looked at me and said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "I'm afraid." He said, "Why are you afraid?" And I said, "They're going to be watching me." He said, "Should they be watching you?" I said, "Yes, they should." He said, "Why?" And I said, "Cuz I whipped one of them." He said, "Well, then they should be watching you." He said, "And you should be afraid." He said, "Therefore, you have a legitimate fear. They have a legitimate objective on their part. Now you can own the feeling.

The feeling won't have to own you and you can be fine. You figured this out." I said, "Hallelujah. I figured this sucker out." went back into medical school and within one hour I was strung out on amphetamine again.

At that time in the early 60s amphetamine was not a controlled substance and we used to keep huge stacks of it down the OBGYn clinic to give the women who were pregnant to control their weight. I walked right in the school, walked right down the OBGYn clinic and was strung out in less than an hour and sat there and cried cuz I didn't know what would happen. That whole year my classmates enabled me.

They'd take me home when I'd get too hot. My wife would put me to bed, call the medical school, tell them I had the flu. knew I had the flu probably 25 or 30 times.

They knew better. They didn't know what to do with me. I graduated in 1964 and between 1964 and 1967, I was in Our Lady of Peace, the mental hospital in Louisville, four times, strapped down, IV fluid, straight jackets, padded cells, the whole bit.

Finally, 1967, I joined the army and I was the doctor in charge of the dispensary in Fort Story, Virginia. They gave me the only key to the pharmacy. That's like put it's like putting a fox in charge of the chicken house, you know.

After after one year, I saw the light. You know, I asked a guy the other day that we intervened on. I said, "Why have you decided now to quit drinking?" He said, "Because it's the right thing to do." I said, "Yeah, I remember when I he said that right after a board of lure investigator had walked in and said, "You go to the impaired physicians committee and let them get you treatment.

You're going to lose your license." That's when he decided it was the right thing to do. You know, I'm sitting there. My memory of that was 1968 when the post commander who was a general walked into my office sat down and said Brady I said yes sir.

He said you're taking the amphetamine. I said yes sir. He said you better quit or you're going to Levvenworth.

And I said I think I'll quit. It was the right thing to do. 1969 I got home got right back on amphetamine.

In 1970 they took my gallbladder out because of the amphetamine I was taking and a vascular spasm secondary to it. And a good friend of mine who's a family who's a internist in Louisville came said, "Burns, please quit taking amphetamine." So I quit. 1970 was my last amphetamine.

Then I started drinking for four years. I drank and it was not alcoholically. I might get drunk.

I might stay sober. But I didn't set out to get drunk. I didn't set out to stay sober.

I didn't set out to go to restaurants that only served alcohol. I didn't set out to run with people who only drank. It was not an obsession.

Three years I drank alcoholically. If you didn't drink, we didn't run. If I if restaurants didn't serve alcohol, I didn't go.

I figured out how much I could drink. go to a football game and last through the whole game. How much I could drink and drive my car out of the parking lot.

Then it turned on me and I didn't know what would happen. One beer and I meet the drunk. I couldn't talk.

One day I drank 24 martinis and I couldn't even get drunk. It turned on me. The last year of my drinking I drank addictively and I drank a quarter of whiskey a night.

And I told myself I wasn't an alcoholic because I never drank in my office. And I could believe it. Y'all can relate to that, can't you?

I could believe it. I could believe it. Somewhere between Thanksgiving and December the 1st of 1977, I was living with Casey, who's now my wife.

I'm sorry I didn't introduce her. Hey, Kate, would you stand up, please? I'd like to meet my wife, Casey.

Kate, she's one of God's greatest gifts to me. And interesting enough, through self-centerness, we're going through some tough times now because of some of my own twisted thinking. And I may get to that and I may not.

But she was then and it's still one of God's greatest gifts to me. Casey had gone to work. I had tried everything in the world to stop drinking because I knew I'd run her off like I'd always run everybody else off.

I'd switched to my my drink was scotch and water. I'd switched wine. I'd switched to beer.

I'd switched to bourbon. I'd switched to martini. I'd switched to everything.

Nothing worked, but scotch and water always would. But scotch and water was killing me. She'd gone to work that day and I realized that I had to do something.

I knew I couldn't take amphetamine. I knew I couldn't take couldn't drink whiskey. So, I decided I'd smoke dope.

I remember thinking, "You don't understand what's wrong with you, but for reasons you don't understand. You can't do put anything in your body that would change your mood. I don't understand why, but I can't do it." And I thought, "Then I just won't do anything." And I thought, "I can't live out there in that world without something in me.

I can't live out there in that world without something in me. And that was the day I couldn't live with it. And I couldn't live without it.

And utter hopelessness. I said, "God, please help me." And I became aware of what I needed to do. And the peace was almost overwhelming.

And I walked back into the bedroom, loaded my shotgun, put it in my mouth. I was not afraid of dying. I was terrified of living.

I became aware of a burning desire to live and an equally burning fear. I crawled to the telephone, called a good friend of mine who's a psychiatrist and I said, "David, please help me." Said, "Come to my office." And I went to his office and I sat in his office and we talked and he said, "You're going to have to go in the hospital." I looked out at our lady of peace right beside his office and I said, "David, I don't want to go back in there. It doesn't work." And then I said the words that were going to be the cornerstone and still are the cornerstone of my recovery.

I said, "I'll do anything you tell me to do." I became teachable. I quit negotiating. I quit arguing.

I quit trying to figure it out. Oh, I still have periods of that for sure. But that day, I literally at that first plateau surrendered.

Tell me what to do. He told me in 3 days later I went into a treatment, went to a psychiatric hospital in New York City because all I would talk to him after we talked about was my depression. He said, "Burn, do you think that you're drinking?" I said, "No, David, I'm depressed.

I just pulled a 12 gauge shotgun out of my mouth." He said, "Maybe it's secondary to drinking." David, you don't understand. I'm depressed. He said, Burns, you're drinking.

David, I'm depressed. He couldn't even shake that. When there are 100% of us are depressed when we come in this program, only 3 to 10% of us will need medication.

And it takes somebody who really knows this disease to decide who they are. And most of the time, you can't do that for two years unless we really go nuts. And that's just a fact.

But he said, "I could not shake you." So he said, "I sent you up there to see if they could scare you." Well, they scared me. After about 8 days, my roommate hanged himself. All kinds of crazy stuff went on.

And I finally decided I was an alcoholic. Called him. Said, "David, I'm an alcoholic.

Get me the heck out of here." He sent me to Atlanta. Sent me to Atlanta to an alcohol treatment center. I was there for a month.

They put me in a halfway house for approximately two months. Then I came home to you people. When I walked into you, I said, "What have I got to do to stay sober and to be happy?" And you said, "You do anything we pay you to do.

You're going to act yourself into a way of thinking." 180 degrees difference, you're going to act yourself. The profoundity of this program is incredible. Years before they knew what we know today, they knew not to make any major decisions for one year.

And they knew we couldn't stir pee with a spoon for at least 2 years. They knew we couldn't find our car in parking lots for at least two years. Thinking at that time is synonymous with being asleep.

It can't be done simultaneously. So you got to act yourself how it works into action. Working with others, a program of action.

Act yourself into a way of thinking. I said, "Well, tell me what to do." And they said, "Oh yeah, real clear. Don't drink.

go to meetings and read the big book. Never changes. Never changes.

The simplicity is overpowering. It has to be that way because I am one of those people that can take a plate of spaghetti and in 30 seconds screw it up. You know, it has to be simple.

I sit there. I said, "Don't drink." They just beat don't drink into death. Why do they beat that to death?

They just beat it to death. Don't drink. Don't drink.

Don't drink. I know. Don't drink.

And I listened to a tape of Sandy Beaches and he said every time he got drunk, it was a direct result of drinking. And I thought, "The man is a genius. He figured this whole problem out.

He's got it wired every and no, I thought it was my ex-wife and all those people in the medical community." No. He said, "No, if you don't want to get drunk, don't drink." I thought, "Okay, I've got that sucker figured out. Don't want to get drunk, don't drink.

Go to meetings. Let me walk with you through 15 years now of going to meetings. Let me take you back to that home in Western Kentucky.

My junior year in high school, we finished a football game one Friday night and I had a beer, which was very unusual. I came home, got sick, threw up in the living room floor. Daddy came out of the bedroom, walked in, and said, "Burns Mack, you've been drinking." I said, "Yes, sir.

I had one beer." He we talked to me. He said, "You're really not drunk." I said, "No, sir. I don't drink.

I had one beer." And he said, "Well, that's okay. Go on upstairs. We'll talk about it tomorrow." Well, as I started up the stairs in the living room, mom and daddy's bedroom was right here.

Now, let me remember this lady who had been ravaged by alcoholism. I was the number one son. I was the hope of the Brady family.

I was the apple of my mama's eye. And I start up those stairs and she comes roaring out of that bedroom and grabs me with a hair of the head and she said, "YOU LITTLE BASTARD. POW POW POW.

I'LL NEVER talk to you again." It took me eight years of psychiatric therapy and at least five fourth and fifth steps to be able to acknowledge what I felt. I wouldn't have said it in that home cuz I was raised in a home where this wouldn't have been said or daddy would have boxed my ears and I've always been grateful I was raised in that kind of home. But what I felt was and you I'll never trust you.

And when I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't trust a one of you either. And what I found out in this program is it's a perfect program composed of a lot of sick people and varying degrees of recovery and some of us you can't trust. My first fifth step should have been on the front page of the Curry Journal the next morning because I heard about it everywhere from the grocery store to where I got my haircut.

The fifth step in the big book is very specific about confidentiality and trust is what it's talking about. When I came in the program, you seen my wife. My wife's a beautiful lady.

There were people in the program try to take her to bed. I understood that. There were people in this program trying to take me to bed.

And I didn't understand that at all. I'm very serious. When I came back from treatment, I had a great big belly, little bitty arms, little bitty legs, and I had all those little spiders all over my skin.

I was pale as a ghost. And they still wanted to take me to bed. Yeah.

Most of them were women. And I'm here and I'm not being smart. That's the truth.

Most of them were women, but they wanted to take me to bed. There were people who wanted to borrow money and they did. They didn't intend to pay it back and they didn't.

This was very confusing to me. Deacon in five churches, eight years of psychiatric therapy and FA didn't have the answer. I had nowhere to find the answer and I had to find out who to trust.

Then when people would come up to me and say, "We want to take you out to coffee." I ask them the question, "Why do you want to take me out to coffee?" And they would say cuz we want to stay sober and we want to help you stay sober. And I began to find the winners. I found people where the lights were on inside their eyes and there was somebody home and I found the winners.

People come up to me. I'm not going back to that meeting on Tuesday night. So and so there.

I said just keep on coming back. Just keep on coming back. You may have found somebody that was a loser that time, but we're all around.

We're called winners. And we want to stay sober and we want you we want to help you stay sober. began to trust.

For the first time in my life, I found the people with the white hats and I began to learn the principles of living. Not just the principles of not drinking, the principles of living. Second thing I found out about meetings is them that don't go to meetings don't hear what happens to them that don't go to meetings.

Heard Jim W from Dallas one time in a talk that where we were speaking at a conference. He said when he came in the program, his sponsor would come and get him, take him to me. He said I'd hide my sponsor come and find me.

He said, "I'd hide. My sponsor come find said one night I hid so well he couldn't find me." The next day he called and he said, "Well, Jim, you missed it last night." He said, "What'd I miss?" He said, "Well, you didn't hear what you supposed to hear." He said, "Well, what was it?" He said, "I don't know. I heard what I was supposed to hear, but you'll never know what you supposed to hear." I've never walked out of an AA meeting that I didn't hear what I was supposed to hear.

Most of the time I walk out feeling good. But even when I walk out so mad I feel like I could bite a tin penny nail into the message is real clear. There's a book at home that tells you how to deal with resentment.

You better deal with it or you can get drunk over it. But I always hear what I was supposed to hear there. It is always there.

There is a message in every meeting for this drunk. 8 and 1/2 years in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I had lived a four-step program for 8 and 1/2 years. The first three and the 12.

I was driven to my knees on how to daily be able to clean house. I was driven to my knees. And as I was driven to my knees, I picked up this big book and I began to read it.

And as I began to read it, I found out so many things about alcoholism that are so simply stated and so fundamentally true that all of medical science has improved on it throughout these many years. And one of the things I found is there will come a day when we will be able to bring into our conscious memory with sufficient force the humiliation of our last drink. That's in essence what it says and there is a solution.

What that basically tells me is that the peculiar mental of twist for this drunk is we forget what happened to us. What we say simply is the further I am away from my last drink, the closer I am to my next one. The further I am from my last drink, the closer I am to my next one.

I go to these doctors and I put all these formulas on the wall and they say, "My god, that's alcoholism. That's wonderful. Why do y'all ever drink again?" And I said, "Cuz we forgot what happened to it last time we got drunk." They said, "Oh, it can't be that simple." I said, "It's that simple." And I've crawled over the bodies of many drunks, and I'm so sorry that they got drunk.

I truly am. But I've crawled over the bodies of many drunks who forgot what they are. Through the grace of God in this program, every time I walk into a meeting, I'm gently reminded of what I am.

Through the grace of God in this program, you have helped me define who I am. But the day I forget what I am is the day I'm going to lose who I am. And you can take that to the bank.

And it I am an alcoholic. The only thing that can destroy me in this world today is a drink of alcohol or the lack of my willingness to work the rest of this program. Finally, I'll go to a lot of meetings today because this is where my friends are.

This is home. I would choose no other place to be. And this meeting, this conference, this time has taught me something.

It's a revelation that I have not shared before. But it is so powerful in me. In this room, you can expect the miracle.

But even more is to be able to develop the perception to appreciate it as it develops. And last night I was able to sit and watch Kelly as the miracle exploded. And I would have missed it.

I would have missed it to be able to perceive the m that is always present. Don't drink and go to meetings and read the big book. Now I thought well I not drink.

I go to meetings. I'll read the big book. So I got the big book down.

I started reading. I said, "That's so beautiful." And I close it, couldn't remember it. I'd open up and I start reading it again and I close it and couldn't remember it.

Like, oh my god. I came I come into a meeting. I said, "I can't remember anything." You say, "Don't worry about it.

None of us can." I said, "How long is it going to last?" About 6 months, 2 years. Get better. It always gets better.

I'd come in the next night and I'd say, "I can't remember anything cuz I forgot what you told me the night before." You know, I came home, I went into church, I went into AA, I went to a therapist. Therapist didn't know AA, so I'd go in to see him or didn't know alcoholism. go in on Tuesday and he'd just work with me and work with me and then I'd come back on Thursday.

He'd say, "Burns, let's pick up where we were on Tuesday." And I'd say, "Oh, Homer, I can't remember where we were on Tuesday." He'd say, "You're blocking your therapy." And I'd go, "Oh, God, I'm blocking my therapy." I'd go into an AA meeting and I'd say, "I think I'm blocking my therapy, guys." And they'd say, and they'd say, "Why?" I said, "Because Homer said I should have remembered where we were on Tuesday." He said, "You're lucky to remember Tuesday and where his office is." After 8 months, I had to leave therapy at that time cuz he didn't know cognitive. He did not know that you can't feed steak to people who can't process mashed potatoes. And never never will you find me anti-therapy.

But I'm sure anti- therapists who don't know alcoholism and try to treat us in the first two months and cognitively push us through a bunch of crap we can't process. And there is no resentment. I swear to God there's no resentment.

I've worked through that. And the way God has led me is to try to teach those people. And it is working.

Medical science studied us in 1975. You know what they discovered? They discovered that the alcoholic will lose the power of retentive memory for recent events for 6 months until two.

Your sleep patterns will be destroyed. And I used to go in the meeting. I said, "I can't sleep." And they said, "Nobody ever died from lack of sleep." I say, "Oh god, they don't understand my misery." You know, I used to lose my car drinking all the time.

I lost my car for the first six months sober. I would drive my car to the office, park it, go in, practice medicine, come out and get in my car and drive home. This day I drove Casey's car, parked the car, got out, practiced medicine, came back out and looked around and started crying cuz I thought somebody stole my car.

I cried a lot. I cried a lot in the first 6 months of recovery. I just cried cuz I couldn't figure out where I was.

You know, I went and got one of my partners and I said, "I've lost somebody stole my car." And he came out. He said, "Burns, you drove Casey's car." I said, "Oh, yeah. I drove Casey's car.

They helped me solve my problem. And they assigned me a parking space and they said when Burns leaves the office, he's going to that parking space and if he can get whatever's in it started, he's going to drive it home. I said, "Well, I cannot drink.

I can go to meetings, but if I if I can't read the big book, it's not going to work for me. Oh, God, how does it work? Please tell me how does it work?

How does it work?" I remember we read how it works. See, I was getting better. So I went and I opened the book and I got down how it works.

And I started reading how it works. I thought it's going to tell me how it works. And it sure did.

That first paragraph, honesty, honesty, honesty, honesty. I read that sucker and it said, you know, there are those of us who are constitutionally capable of being honest. We don't make it.

And I got there, I said, there are those of us who are have grave emotional mental disorders, but we make it if we have the capacity to be honest. I thought the the obvious solution to this thing is honesty. And my credo came, don't drink, go to meetings, don't tell lies.

When I went into treatment and I told you I was drinking a quart of whiskey a night and I asked to go into treatment. I sat in front of the guy ran the treatment center. He looked at me and he said, "Farn, how much do you drink?" I said, "I drink a six-pack of beer every night." He said, "You're lying." I said, "I know it.

I do it all time. Why' I do that?" I'd play golf the summer before I went into treatment. I couldn't play well cuz I was so weak.

Literally, whiskey had messed up my muscles. But I'd try to play golf. I'd hit my ball on the green.

And I'd go up there and I'd put my dime in front of the ball of the market and I'd come back and I'd put my ball in front of the dime. Just save myself a fourth of an inch on a 40ft putt. And I just hated my guts for doing that.

I just hated me for doing that. I came back from treatment. I'd hit my ball on the green.

I'd walk up there and I'd put that dime right there behind that ball and I'd walk back and put that ball in front of that dime. And I began to feel good about me. I could not cognitively figure out where my car was, but I could tell the truth.

The story came said, "You ask Burns Brady anything, he'll tell you the truth. It may not have a thing to do with what you're talking about. But he'll tell you the truth every single way.

And I could tell the truth. And the self-esteem, the feeling of of of some degree of liking myself began to develop. It was that simple.

Don't drink, go to meetings, and don't tell lies. Someone said, "Well, that sounds like cash register honesty." You bet your bottom it's cash register honesty. And it's as important in my life today as it ever was in early in recovery.

It's absolutely essential. We're only as sick as our secrets. And when I've got a secret, it's because I've told a lie and I know it.

You may not know it, but I know it. And it just tears my guts out. And I can't live sober with my guts being torn out.

And it gets even more delusional the longer I've been sober because there are times when I really believe that you really need all 12 steps, but I can get down 11 and a half or 10 or nine. Maybe I can make that phone call. Maybe I can squeeze that IRS deal.

Maybe I can order a few more lab tests to make a little more money for me because I can justify the lab test to the insurance companies. But I couldn't justify it in here and I couldn't justify it in here. We're only as sick as our secrets.

The big book tells me I've got to be honest with somebody. You know, somebody said, "Well, you got to be honest with yourself." And I really believe that. I have no problem with that.

Let me tell you what that 10 step says. That alcohol is subtle, cunning, baffling, and powerful. Yeah, but subtle is what I relate to.

Subtle. Clancy hit this hit me right between the eyes. He said one day he was 20 years sober, 20,000 ft in the air.

He's walking or flying with God. He's looking down at AA and he says, "God, how are they doing?" And Clancy said, "God looked at him and said, "Clansancy, they're doing fine." He said, "Well, God, how am I doing?" He said, "Clansancy, you're doing just great. I bet you can have a light beer.

Two years in this program, I've always had real problems." And I got to tell you, I've always had real problems with beautiful women. Y'all got some of the blackest eyed, flashiest eyed women in this town I've seen in my life. And God, y'all are beautiful.

I've always had trouble with women. Case and I are working on it. I don't mean I run around, but I do have impure thoughts.

I know it surprises you. And they're not very often. Maybe once a day.

And that's it. And I know Joe, you have any impure thoughts, right? I understand that.

I understand. I'm trying to reach that plateau. No impure thoughts.

It ain't coming soon. I'll tell you that. two years sober and this young lady walked up to me and she said, "I want you to talk in my AA birthday.

I'm getting my token." And I said, "Where do you want it to be?" And she said, "On Tuesday night at St. Thomas." I said, "That's my home group and that's a discussion meeting. We've never had a we've never had a speaker meeting." She said, "Well, that's my birthday and I had anything I want." I said, "Let me check with let me check with the guru of the meeting." You know, the every meeting has a guru.

They sit on one side and take everybody's inventory as they walk in the door. We all have those. So, I said, "But let me go say my prayers first and decide what we need to do." So, I went home and I got on my knees and I said, "God, what should we do?

Patty's going to have her token birthday and it's going to be at Thomas and she wants me to speak and what is your will? And I felt his voice say, "My will is that it be a speaker meeting and you talk at her token birthday." And it felt right. Feelings are never to be ignored in me, but they're never to be trusted.

I can promise you that. Not until they've been talked about. Not until they've been talked about.

So I went right straight to him and called that guru and I said, "Jim, Tuesday night we're going to have a speaker meeting over St. Thomas." He said, "How'd you figure that out?" And I said, "I prayed about it." He said, "Let me get back to you." About 10 minutes he called back and said, "Strangest things happened. I don't understand it, but I got to tell you about it." And I said, "What's that?" And he said, "There are five of us up here to go to that same meeting." He told me there were good friends of mine.

He said, and sat down and prayed about it. He said, "Right now, it looks like it's 5 to one. The God of our understanding over the God of your understanding." Yes, sir.

I got that message real loud and clear. You know, alcohol is subtle. today.

For me to maintain that honesty with myself, it requires every one of those things I outlined to you. For me to maintain that spiritual condition to help me be honest with myself so that I do not succumb to those hundred forms of fear, self-d delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity because I will because that's by definition part of my disease. And if you don't believe it, you're going to get whipped back.

That's not my opinion. That's my experience. Let me say something about the big book.

S simply and honestly stated, if you stop the drinking and don't deal with the thinking, you'll go back to the drinking. I was told that when I came in the program and in the fifth chapter in the fourth step, it says alcohol is only a symptom. And in the seventh chapter at the end of it, it says the bottle is only a symbol.

eight and a half years in this program when I was driven to my knees and studied that book and I knew a new peace. I knew a new happiness. I knew a new understanding.

I knew how to be happy, joyous, and free because I found that process. I went to where I go and quietly got on my knees and I said, "God, I'm truly not angry cuz I really do have a God that loves me just as I am and does not does not mind even accepts and welcomes challenges. He is not such a little God that he cannot handle challenges." And I said, 'I'm really not angry, but I really would like someday if you would just let me know why you left me out there for 8 and 1/2 years.

If you have that power, and I know you do, why you left me out there for 8 and 1/2 years working a four-step program when I could have had a 12step program. And I felt that voice that said to me, as it has many times, I loved you so much and trusted you, and you loved me so much and trusted me. You may teach by your knowledge, but you will heal with your experience.

And now you have the experience. Someone will come to you and say, "I'm miserable. What is wrong with my program?" And you can share with them what became right with yours.

I have given you my experience. If you are miserable, look within your heart. Talk to your sponsor.

Say your prayers. And I will bet you, you will find the answer. And most probably it's because you simply have not been fortunate enough or willing enough or done the work enough to do the program.

When I came home from the treatment center, the first year was very crazy. After the pink cloud, the the euphoria of feeling so much better physically was over. Then I became in direct conflict with living.

I also was dealing with this post accute recovery or whatever you want to call it that incredible period of 6 months to two years and it was very frightening. The night I got my token, I sat there and I and I started crying. They said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "I don't know." And they said, "Are you grateful?" And I said, "I don't know." And they said, "Are you sad?" And I said, "I don't know." And they said, "Do you want a drink?" I said, "No." He said, "Do you believe you're where you belong?" I said, "Yes, that'll be okay." I went home and Casey gave a party, my token, birthday night.

I went to bed. They had the party and I went to bed. Then in about a year and a half, it started to clear up and the ego began to rise and stay.

But more than that, I became little Mr. Perfect. Aa, you know how we do.

Get up on time, eat your breakfast, do your meditations, call your sponsor, get to the office, see your patients, call your wife, call your sponsor, get home in the evening, say your prayers, call your sponsor, get to the meetings. 30 minutes early, get upstairs, meet the newcomer, put out the chairs, put out the coffee, give your telephone number, say 30 minutes late, get home in the evening, say your prayers, call your sponsor, and go to bedum. There he is, little guy.

At the end of the 11th at the end of the 11th step, it says as alcoholics, we are undisiplined. We allow God to discipline us in this way. And that's what was happening.

You know, I used to say to my sponsor, I would say, "What do you think are the psychological implications of my being late every morning?" And he'd say, "Why don't you get your butt up on time?" And I thought, how profound. five years in the program in the perfect program of AA in the perfect AA member. I was so rigid I would have puffed at this at the side of a of a of a match.

I was miserable, but I was perfect. The oldtimes would come up and look at me and they'd say, "You having fun?" I'd say, "This is a smile, you idiot." I was down in South Georgia visiting Jim Law who's an Episcopal priest, my next door neighbor at that time and my spiritual adviser. We don't talk about spiritual adviserss much anymore, but I had a spiritual adviser and Jim and I had become very close and he had moved to South Georgia, Thomasville.

And Casey and I were down there visiting 5 years into the program and I am flying apart. We went back to the Holiday Inn and Casey put dropped on my knees and I said, "God, take away the pain." And Casey put her hands on my shoulders and she said, "Burns, call your sponsor." I picked up the phone and I called Jim. And I've got to tell you, my first sponsor in AA had a two-step program.

That's not a judgment. That's a report. Cuz I want you to hear where the coincidence came in.

You know what we say in AA, there are no coincidences. Just where God chooses to remain anonymous. And I tell you, this man had a two-step program.

And listen to what he said. When I called him, he picked up the phone. I said, "Jim, I'm flying apart." He said, "You're the most compliant person I've ever dealt with in AA." But he said, "You have not surrendered." And I said, "No, Jim.

I don't know how." He said, "Well, when you get home, we'll talk about it." And I started to hang up and he said, "Let me ask you something." I said, "Yeah." And he said, "Do you believe if you get drunk tonight, it'll make you bad?" And I said, "Yes, I do." He said, "You're wrong." He said, "Do you believe if you work all these 12 steps perfectly, it'll make you good?" And I said, "Yes, I do." He said, "You're wrong." I said, "I don't understand, Jim. What are you trying to tell me?" I said, "Burns, I'm trying to tell you that you've been trying to buy something that isn't for sale. It's given for fun and for free.

God loves you just the way you are. You can't earn it. You can't kick it away.

You are God's child and he loves you just the way you are. Drunk, sober, naked, clothed. You are his child.

I tried to be perfect for mama and she couldn't handle it. I tried to be perfect for me and I couldn't I couldn't do it. try to be perfect for God and he didn't need it.

The story of the prodical son that I'd heard so many times in the Baptist church growing up became alive for me. Yes, it's the story of the drunk who goes home and yes, it's the story of the brother who resents. But for me today, it's the story of the father who waits and will always be there when we get ready to come home.

We'll always be there. Spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection became a way of life for me. The next part of my journey that God has been gently leading me on was for me to be able to learn how to love for fun and for free too.

All of my life I've taken hostages and I take them in AA or took him in AA just as much took him in real life. My my second greatest hostage was my sponsor. Oh, he was a controller.

But I picked him because I wanted him to tell me what to do. I don't mean just to tell me how to work the program. I mean to make my decisions for me.

And for 8 and 1/2 years in this program, he told me what to do and I did it. And I told my pigeons what he told me. I didn't take any responsibility.

I was just the conduit. And I loved it. And I manipulated him every day and every night to make my decisions.

About this time, Jim really went nuts. He didn't get drunk, but his control issues almost sociopathy became so powerful that people would come to me and say, "Burns, get away from him." And I'd say, "He given me so much." And he really did. Boy, was he a gift to me.

But I realized the reason I wasn't getting away from him is because I couldn't. I was too scared. I even thought I could trust the group until I looked at the group and realized that group that we had been in had gotten so sick and it really had.

And I was said I was told, "You better change groups and you better get another sponsor." And I prayed and it was obvious I should. And I did get another sponsor. And I changed all my groups.

My greatest hostage in AA was and still is my wife. I love Casey deeply and she loves me deeply. I would call her at 10:00 each morning.

I'd say, "Casey, I love you." She'd say, "I love you." Call her at 10:00 in the afternoon. I'd say, "Casey, I love you." And she'd say, "I love you." I would call her at 10:00 in the morning sometime and she wouldn't be there. So, I'd call her at 3:00 in the afternoon.

I'd say, "Casey, I love you. Where in the hell were you at 10 this morning? I put her on my hip just like my papoose and we'd go, she was in Alanon for 5 years.

I put her on my hip and we would go to open AA meetings together and boy did we get spiritual. We prayed together because I said, "Let's pray." She didn't mind. She loved me and she loved to pray.

So, we prayed. I mean, everywhere I went, my shadow went because I had a noose on it. She came up to me 8 and 1/2 years in this program, looked at me and she said, "I've never loved you more." She'd switched to AA and doesn't mind not telling you she switched to AA at approximately five and six years in the program.

She quit drinking when I did. Switched to AA for reasons that are her story and I won't take your time. She wouldn't mind.

But she made the right decision. At least in my opinion, it's worked beautifully for her. But she came to me and she said, "Burn," she said, "I need to start going to my own meetings.

I want to go back to school and I want to go into therapy." And I said, "You do whatever you think you need to do." And what I thought was, "And I won't trust you, you My first thought was to get another woman. Being a doctor with all those nurses around, that was not difficult. So, I picked out the one I was going to get.

I hadn't picked, you know, it was all a fantasy, but I picked her out and I went to my new sponsor. I sit down and I said, "Jack, I'm going to get me another woman." He said, "It's all right. You can get another woman, but if you don't change your attitude, you'll run that one off just like you're going to run this one off." And I just sat there and cried cuz I didn't know what he was talking about.

when when the student is ready, the teacher will always arrive. Ask anybody in this program. And my teacher came in, a little pigeon of mine, was seven months of sobriety and he handed me eight tapes.

He said, "Listen to these tapes and see if they're any good." They were Joe and Charlie's tapes in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And as I listened to those tapes, it screamed at me that the program was there that I didn't have. From don't drink, go to meetings and read the big big book came trust God, clean house and help others.

And I didn't have the help. I did not have the clean house at all. I had 12 copies of those tapes made and we sat down and 12 of us began to study.

Interesting. We didn't plan it. We picked 12 people to study those tapes.

Approximately three years ago, a monk at Gethsemane outside of Bargetown in Kentucky called and he said, "Burns, I hear you have a group there that studies the Big Book. Would you come down and take a step each Sunday? How many of you are there?" And I sat there a minute and started laughing.

I said, "There are 12 of us." He said, "Interesting, isn't it?" We went through deaths, we went through slips, we went through divorces, but we began to study that book and it became a part of us. I found inside that book every single message I need for even knowing why I'm on the face of this earth. I'd always wondered even why I was here.

It really meant something for me to know my purpose. In the ninth step, it states empirically, I am here to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and my fellow man. To prepare myself to be of maximum service to God and my fellow man.

in a vision for you. It says, "I cannot give away what I don't have. But if I ask each morning what I can do for the individual who still suffers and if my work with God is right." Someone says, "That sounds like codependency." No, it's spirituality that I've come to know in this program.

Someone says, "Well, what if you haven't done all the 12 steps?" If you got 24 hours of sobriety, you got something to give to the drunk who still suffers. And that's taken to a meeting. If you want to give him everything, learn those steps.

Do them. practice them and then you can get him the whole ball of wax. Someone said, "What about unacceptable behavior?" Let me let me recite for you the promise that comes before the promises.

The promise that comes before the promises, the line right above it, which says, "If we are sensible, tactful, considerate, and humble." If we are sensible, tactful, considerate, and humble as God's people, we stand on our feet. We don't crawl before anybody. What a what an incredible release.

We do not retaliate and we do not argue. There was a time when you could own me with a word of praise or you could own me with a word of condemnation. Today you can make me cry and you can bloody my nose, but you can't own me.

Nor is it ne nor is it necessary for me to own you. As I said, nor is it necessary for me to own you. And that requires a spiritual condition on a daily basis.

Casey did graduate from college. She graduated number one in her class. I did not become perfect during that time, but I did become more a part of her solution than I did a part of her problem.

And for graduation, she wanted a truck. And we got her a little red truck. And on the back of it, her license plate says, "My truck.

You know, because of the damage I had done to our communication, we both went into therapy together. We carried a beautiful program of recovery and it enhanced that program of recovery. We have moved out of that as far as being individuals and and if anyone challenges why he should be in recovery, that's your choice and that's your freedom and I give you that.

But the big book states empirically that some of us need therapy from time to time. I go to more meetings than I ever have, but the therapy has helped me. We moved out of a couple stuff right now just she and I and I'm doing some individual stuff and u along with the spiritual solution for everything that I'm discovering and therapy is therapy.

Let me tell you that what I know is therapy is therapy that peels the layers of the onion but if I haven't got a spiritual solution to give me what I'm going to find over here then I'm going to be hurting here with nowhere to take it and that's when people get real crazy and some of them get drunk. Therapy is therapy and a spiritual solution working together have been very powerful for me. I want to share with you three stories and then I will quit.

You've been very kind, very patient. First story has to do with my daughter. 14 years ago, Libby said straddle my chest.

No, I guess it's been long. 16 years ago, Libby said straddle my chest. I was drunk.

She was strung out on amphetamine, Darvant, Valium, and booze, and marijuana. She tried to kill me, but she couldn't because she got my shotgun, which was an automatic shotgun, and she couldn't figure out how to load it. 11 years ago, she came in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Four years ago, she got married, and guess who she asked to give her away? Daddy. June the 22nd of this past summer was my birthday.

It was also Father's Day. Casey and I came home from a trip and as we drove up the driveway, there were balloons on the mailbox, balloons above the garage, and balloons on the front door. And when I turned the balloon around, it said, "Happy Father's Day and happy birthday to the world's greatest dad, Love, Sissy." It may not have happened in your life yet, but let me give you the hope.

You may never know. It may never happen, but the chances are in this program it will. My son came in this program approximately seven years ago.

He flunked out of high school. His mother kicked him out of the house and she should have because he stole her car that he' stolen most of her silverware. We were divorced and he stole her car and drove it off and she called the police and they put him in jail and she left him in jail for 48 hours.

I'd have gone and kissed her except she still hates my guts and she just left me right in the mouth. I really don't hate her because I have a program that works for me to release that. Thank God.

So he left and he came got out of jail and came to his mother and his mother said, "Burns, you can't come back and live with me." And he came to me and we'd worked this out for a year in advance. I'd sit down with Burns. I'd sit down to a counselor that he went to.

I'd sit down. We had worked out the fact that if he ever had to leave his mother's house, he couldn't come back and live with me unless he came on my terms, which would be the terms of consistency and spirituality or whatever he needed. He was 17 years old and I absolutely refuse to abdicate my responsibility to parent for someone who's 17 years old on the guys of letting them do what they want to do.

He came in and said, "Daddy, I want to come back and live with y'all." And I said, "And this was not done. It was done with a year's preparation for me to be able to live with the consequences of what I was getting ready to say. It was not a flamboyant play.

It was done with a lot of spirituality, a lot of faith, and some fear." I said, "Burn, you can't come and live with us." He said, "Daddy, I'll live on the streets and something may happen." I said, "Let me tell you what the conditions are. You can come and live with with us or at least we'll discuss it if you go into treatment. I'm not an alcoholic." I said, "That's your call.

I'm making this one. You're an alcoholic and you're going into treatment if you want to live in this house." He said, "To hell with you. I'll live on the streets." And I said, "You live on the streets." I knew where that boy was every minute of every day almost for 3 months.

And God would have told me through my sponsor and through this group and through prayers what to do for him if he got in trouble. And I know it would have happened. I had great faith in that.

But he didn't get into trouble. And at the end of 3 months, he came back and said, "Daddy, please put me into treatment." We put him into treatment and he came home, took to this program like a duck to water. About a year in recovery, he was sitting in a meeting.

A woman raised her hand. She said, "My boy went off to camp with two other boys. They caught them smoking dope.

And I know my boy's been smoking dope, but they didn't catch him. What can I do to help him?" Bunch of us said some things. Finally, my boy raised his hand.

He said, "I don't know what you can do to help him." But said, "I'll tell you what turned my life around." said, "My sister was a lady. She started smoking dope, drinking alcohol, and doing all those things, and she became somebody that I didn't like and didn't respect. She alcoholics anonymous and became a lady again." Said, "That wasn't what turned my life around." Said, "When I was out there on the streets, I remember my daddy when he was drinking." Said, "He would lie to me and He'd tell us he was going to come and get us and he wouldn't show up.

He'd come in and he'd slap mother. He'd whip us." So then he got in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and he quit lying to us. When he told us he's going to be there, he'd come pick me and up and we'd go out and we'd have fun.

He came and told mama he was sorry and said one night he didn't even know I was listening, but he came and told mama he'd give her some money that he really didn't know her, but it was necessary for her to have it. Said when I was out there on those streets, I realized that I wanted to grow up to be just like my daddy. The message for me is be careful how you walk and talk.

You may be the only big book that somebody will ever read. Approximately a year ago, my burn my son went off to college, Central Academy of Commercial Art in Cincinnati, became a commercial artist. And about a year ago, he started his own business.

He came and asked me if I'd sit and talk with him about some pitfalls in business that I'd had when I started my practice. As we went through talking about his wonderful sharing thing, I wasn't lecturing to him. We were two beautiful men in recovery talking with great respect and love.

As we walked out of FR's, he looked at me and I looked at him and we hugged and I said, "I love you." And he said, "I love you." And as I turned to walk away to the car, he said, "Daddy." I said, "What?" He said, "Remember, don't drink. Go to meetings and read big books. Last story is my daddy.

My mama died in 1978. She died of cancer. I've been sober about 8 months and Casey and I would go down every other weekend and we'd visit mother and I made all my mends and I really didn't have a problem.

My mama, she didn't have a problem with me. One of the greatest women I've ever known, one of the greatest people I've ever known. The gentleness and the kindness was there.

She accepted her death. She accepted me and it was beautiful. Mama died.

I miss her every day. I miss my mama every day. My daddy married another lady in about a year and she was a great godsend.

My stepmother was not my mama but she was a lovely lovely and is a lovely lady. Approximately four years after that daddy started getting scenile. It was like Alzheimer's but it's not Alzheimer's.

It's called arteriocerotic cerebrovascular disease and it looks like Alzheimer's but it's not. Approximately four years ago daddy ceased to know who I who I am or who I was. He thought I was my uncle Buster, his brother.

My uncle Buster died of alcoholism. I always thought that was kind of interesting. I ceased calling my father daddy when I'd call him.

I'd call him about every weekend and talk to him. I couldn't call him daddy cuz that confused him cuz he didn't remember my name, didn't remember my brother's name, didn't even know who we were, didn't remember my mother. I would go down about once a month and I would sit and talk with him and the pain was almost unbearable as he did not know who I was.

Approximately two years ago, they put daddy in a nursing home and I would drive down almost every weekend, at least every other weekend. And when I'd park the car in the parking lot, I'd say, "Dear God, take away my pain. Please take away my pain." And I would go in and it never worked.

I would be there and I'd white knuckle it through and I'd pray it through. I'd pray it through and then I'd get back in the car and it hurt. This particular Sunday, I drove in, parked the car, and I said, "Dear God, let me be for my daddy today what you want me to be.

Let me be for my daddy today what you want me to be. I walked in. Daddy was sitting in a wheelchair.

He was too weak to walk. And I walked over. I said, "Howal, anything I can do for you?" He said, "Yeah, Buster, would you shave me?" I lthered my daddy up and shaved him.

I said, "Uh, how would you like some lunch?" Said, "Yeah, if you would, Buster." And I rolled him in there to the dining room. He's too weak to eat, so I fed him. We were sitting there talking.

He was talking about Mama Brady and he's talking about Papa Brady and the mules and the plowing. About that time, my stepmother came in and sat down right opposite us and Peggy and I started talking. Now, all my life, this was a scene had been enacted and reenacted hundreds of times.

Mom and I talking. Daddy never said a word. Daddy never said a word about anything.

I broke my leg playing football and he was the first one to put me on the stretcher. I broke it playing basketball, first one to put me on a stretcher. I broke broke it playing baseball, first one to put me on a stretcher.

Daddy was always there, but he never said anything. When I went to make my amends to daddy, he looked at me and said, "I do not want to talk about it." And for reasons I know today, daddy couldn't talk about it. And you told me I didn't have a right to shove it down his throat just for my own relief.

And I'd let Daddy loose from my absolute obsession to get his approval through my amends. But boy did I want it. But I had let it go.

And that was my daddy. Peggy and I were sitting there talking, sitting there talking. And daddy was sitting there looking at us all the ground.

And I said, "How would you like to go out on the sun porch?" And he said, "Yeah, I think I would." So I rolled him out on the sun porch and Peggy and I stood stood there and we kept talking and we kept talking and finally daddy raised up in his wheelchair and he looked right straight in my eyes and he said, "Son, today you're just like the little boy your mom and I raised. I love you so much. Thank you for coming to see me." The miracle is not that my daddy recognized me cuz he forgot me 10 seconds later.

The miracle is that I sat in that car and finally said, "Dear God, let me be for my daddy what you want me to be." Alcoholics Anonymous is the language of the heart. We feel without touching. We hear without talking.

And we love by instinct. for the next few seconds. Bow your head or don't bow your head.

Hold the hand of the person next to you or don't. But I'd like for you to feel with me the language of the heart that occurs in these rooms. You are my father and you will never let me go.

I close every talk the same way. When I could not walk, talk and chew gum. I could listen to tapes.

And father Martin had a tape, the 12 steps of AA. And he closed that tape in a way which says for me better than what I can say, how I feel about you. You people are in my thoughts frequently.

You will be in my heart and you will be in my prayers always. I love you from the bottom of my heart. I thank you for loving me.

I thank you for asking me to come. Most of all, I thank you for delivering to me the message that gave me my life. For those people that I have seen again, it's good to see you.

For those people that I've met for the first time, welcome into my life. For those of you that I did not meet, we will meet again as we trudge this road of happy destiny. God bless you and good night.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.