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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> It's my pleasure to introduce our main speaker, Charlie from Austin, Texas.

Hey everybody, >> I'm Charlie Parker. I'm an alcoholic. >> Wow, it's good looking bunch of folks.

I uh I uh I wear a suit and tie when I get behind the podium out of respect for the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the people that came before me and all the work that goes into putting something like this together. But every time I put it on, I'm I always think, you know, what I'm most comfortable what I feel like standing there and going, "No contest, your honor." Uh, you know, uh, it's it's my experience. You know, uh, I never had much of a defense.

No contest was my best angle. Um, I want to thank the I want to thank Bob for asking me to come talk. It's a It's a real honor to be here.

Uh Katie and I come out here a lot and uh and we started coming to this group uh and a friend of mine introduced me and Bob and uh we like this meeting so much that we um we started coming on Thursday mornings instead of Friday mornings so we can make this meeting because it really is you know if you get around if you go around um the more meetings you go to the more you appreciate what a hell of a fine AA group this is and it's it's just a real honor to speak here and uh you know I know how much work I can't imagine trying to put this together every week. I know how much work it is to put something like this together. And and I know there's a lot of people that do it besides Bob.

And uh and then there's I'm I'm also sure if it's anything like my group, there's a lot of people that don't do a damn thing, but have a lot of ideas about how it could be done better. You know, cuz that's the way it is at my group. It's hard to get anything uh through sometimes.

I uh I uh was authorized by group conscious to bring you greetings from the primary purpose group in Austin, Texas. Um the vote was 40 to 22. But but we got it through.

I uh I'm I'm glad to be here tonight. And you know, and there's different theories about what we do when we get up here, what we talk about. A lot of people talk about that our our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now.

I'm also real fond of the definition on page 50 where it says in our personal stories, you will find a wide variation in the way each teller approaches and conceives of the power which is greater than himself. Whether we agree with the particular approach or conception seems to make little difference. experience has taught us that these are matters about which for our purpose we need not be worried.

There are questions for each individual to settle for himself. On one proposition, however, these men and women are strikingly agreed. Every one of them has gained access to and believes in a power greater than himself.

This power has in each case accomplished the miraculous, the humanely the humanly impossible. Um so here we are. Um, my story, I uh I grew up in Dallas, Texas.

I grew up in a pretty normal family. I uh uh a friend of mine likes to say that normal is a setting on a washing machine, but um you know, I don't know exactly what normal is, but I I've heard enough fifth steps over the years to uh to know that my there was a lot of guys that had it a lot worse than I had it growing up. I uh I was the only alcoholic in my family.

I'm I'm still the only alcoholic in my family. Um but I uh um I just I always felt a little different. I you know when I say I grew up in a normal family, I should mention that my sister was perfect though.

I uh I don't know my I grew up behind a sister that was 5 years older than me and she was national honor society and first chair floutist and drum majorette and drill team and you name it and she joined it and uh and then she kind of had this thuggish little brother and uh you know but my mother was a a first grade teacher for 42 years so I was I was well prepared for the first grade. I uh um you know so I mean and I I like to think I held it together pretty good through elementary school you know um I was uh which was a challenge but um you know I don't know if this happened to anybody else but I kept hearing about potential when I was growing up. Did anybody else suffer under the burden of potential?

you know, and and in my, you know, then why can't you be like Charles across the street? And I'm thinking I'm really not holding back that much, you know. I mean, you know, I I don't know if there's a whole lot of untapped resources here, but um but you know, that's the way it went along.

And uh I didn't I started drinking when I was 16. And I I used to think that was young, you know, but now people are sobering up at like 8, you know, I mean, you you you're chairing a meeting and a guy comes up and you're like, "Oh, who's your daddy?" And they're like, "No, I'm here for a 90-day chip, you know. Uh, welcome." Um, you know, and you know, and God love him.

I'm not, you know, I I was young when I got to this program. I mean, when I sobered up 22 years ago, 28 was pretty young to get sober. um you know and Katie was 26 and she had uh 4 and 1/2 months on me and still does and uh you know will never let me live it down.

I uh I've kept her sober a few times by telling her that if she drank I'd sponsor her if she came back. Um but uh you know but you know we were part of a young crew but I guess the reason I say I was talking about my drinking and it and it for me it started at at 16. And it would make a pretty macho story to stand up here and say that I drank a bottle of whiskey every day from the day I was 16 until I sobered up.

But that wouldn't be true. Um, but what is the truth for me is that from the day that I took that first drink until I had to quit, I never turned down the opportunity to get loaded under any circumstances for any reason. Um, there was never a time when I would say, "No, uh, you know, it's my mother's birthday.

I really shouldn't." Or, um, you know, I need to be somewhere by November or, you know, anything like that. It was I was an absolute devote. I I I was all about getting loaded and um I uh I believe heavily in um aa singleness of purpose.

You know, I mean, we talk a lot about one drunk working with another one. And and there's a there's an importance of that identification of one drunk talking to another one that that's so important that out of the two or 300 12step fellowships that are out there really the only difference is the first half of the first step. You know, I think that that identification is that important that, you know, because for me, if you drink like I do, um people always want to talk to you about your drinking, you know, and and um they say really stupid stuff, you know, and if they if they don't understand, you know, our book talks about one of us properly armed with the facts about himself can win the confidence of a new man in a couple of hours.

But um that's a pretty big deal because nobody else had ever done it. You know, I mean, you know, that's I uh I like to tell a story about I was in a treatment center one time. We're talking about identification.

It was Christmas time and I was in treatment and it was Christmas day and I'm a big boy now, but I was quite a bit bigger at that time. And uh uh they had given us our turkey and dressing and everything. And I was pretty interested in the in the dinner.

And uh in in walks this group of people from uh from one of the local churches, you know, and they were a group of local dogooders that were going to come sing to the heathen drunks. And uh and this woman was going along from person to person. And she would bend over and she'd talk to this guy.

And then she'd bend over and she'd talk to this guy. And then she'd bend over and talk to another. And when she got to me, she said, "Are you a patient here?" I said, "Yes, I am." She goes, "I know exactly what you're going through." And I thought, "Really?" She said, "I was once addicted to caffeine." I was like, "Ain't that a bitch?" You know, did did you ever pawn your mom sterling to get a can of folders?

You know, I mean, I feel you, sister. you know, but but you know, bless her heart, she was she was trying to identify, but it just wasn't there. But, you know, that's why I think our singleness of purpose is so important, and that's why it's so important for me to get with um people that suffer from the same um problem that I have.

I qualify for a number of 12step fellowships. And uh um but when I'm an AA, I like to try to talk about alcoholism. And I really do believe in my heart of hearts that my problem always was alcoholism.

Um my alcoholism led me to do a lot of things besides drink alcohol. Let's just let's just say that it's a it's a bit of a struggle for me to not talk about outside issues. I uh you know um when you get here they there's a lot of terms that you that I don't know if it's happened to anybody else but it felt like people were speaking a foreign language when I got here and uh you know they're talking about Mr.

Bill and Dr. Bob and this step and that tradition and turn it over and you know um don't judge anybody but stick with winners and you know and you know and all this and I heard this term drug of choice. I thought that was so cute, you know?

I mean, did anybody talk like that on the street? You know, I mean, there was I don't ever remember a time where you're going, "Oh, I'm sorry. That's not my particular drug of choice, you know.

I uh I mean uh my drug of choice was whatever you got." And uh and and I'll just leave it there. I I really really just I guess I can sum it up with a few things about at one point I had an apartment. I was staying in an apartment.

I used to say I was I had an apartment but really the truth was two guys had an apartment that they were paying the rent on and I was staying there and one of them made his living off of outside issues and the other one um was my bartender. And the short version of the story is that both of them thought that I was getting too loaded, you know, and and when your dealer and your bartender are giving you shame, you know, um you maybe have overshot the mark a little bit, but I uh I guess you know just I know there's a lot of new people here tonight and I want to welcome the new people here tonight, but I mean does does anybody Anybody need for me to explain how to drink to them? Uh, you know, I mean, you know, if if not, let's just kind of move on into a little recovery there because I uh I just don't have time in 45 minutes to talk a whole lot about drinking.

But I I uh I wrecked a few cars. I got a few DWIs. I uh I lost, you know.

But I guess the key thing about my drinking was I spent years in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Whenever it would be my turn, I would raise my hand and I'd say, "I'm Charlie. I'm an alcoholic." And looking back on it, I had no idea what that meant.

You know, I thought that I must be alcoholic because well, for one thing, I drink every day. The other thing, you know, I lose I've had DWIs and gone to jail and lost jobs and houses and cars and girlfriends and all the stuff that happens to to us. And I thought, well, I must be alcoholic, you know, and and really, I'd been around quite a a while, I think, before I really understood what it truly means to be alcoholic.

And if you're new, I just want to take a second to touch on the physical allergy and the mental obsession because we are different from normal drinkers. I, you know, I can't pour enough vodka into my sister to make her an alcoholic. Um, you know, you know, but I could pour enough vodka in her to get her a DWI or, you know, to wreck the car and that sort of thing, but that wouldn't make her an alcoholic.

You know what makes me an alcoholic is that I have a physical allergy to alcohol and and and the way that that shows up in my life and the way it's described so well in the doctor's opinion and and the first 43 pages of this book is that my symptom of that allergy is this phenomenon of craving you know but the book is full of terms and phrases that I didn't feel when I would read them you know I mean you know my sponsor likes to say that um handing a new guy a big book and inspecting him to get what's in there is like giving him a flight manual to an F-16 and saying, "And when you get through reading that, we've got one out here in the parking lot. Uh you know, try not to hurt yourself or anybody else, you know, uh but you know, a lot of these terms didn't mean much to me." And uh um so it really helped to have somebody that had been in the book to explain that stuff to me. But you know when it talked about the phenomenon of craving, I didn't really understand what that meant.

But I did know what it meant to stop in for only two and get thrown out at the end of the night or go missing for a few days and you know that sort of thing. And to me that's what happens when I take a drink alcohol. It triggers a craving in me where I got no control over how much I'm going to drink.

or when I'm going to stop. And then the book talks about that for about the doctor's opinion, the first 22 pages. Then about 23 or 24, it switches over and says that wouldn't mean anything.

You know, if and the weird thing is, you know, if alcohol was my problem, I'd only have to stop drinking one time. You know, I mean, my problem is that I can't stop starting. I have always been sober when I took the first drink.

I uh you know, and so I make that that decision sober. And what my biggest problem is what goes on in my brain when I'm not drinking, but there inside of me, you know, another term that's in the book that never made much sense to me was the term that I mean, I never actually felt it was that term spiritual malady. You know, the book describes a spiritual malady.

It's it's a little fuzzy for me, but when you stand up at the podium of AA and talk about that hole uh in my middle uh that hole that I felt from elementary school, that that feeling of separation, that that um feeling of being a little bit less than, of being not good enough, not smart enough, I can't do what regular people do. I think we can identify with that. That to me is the spiritual malady.

And I got that going on, you know. And what happens is when people want to talk to me about my drinking, I'm thinking, you don't you really don't know what you're talking about, you know, because if you understood what that drink does for me, it's the only thing I've ever found that will quiet that feeling of separation, that hole I got right here. And okay, sure, occasionally I overshoot the mark and I wreck the car and I lose the job or maybe, you know, I get kicked out of an apartment or people don't want to talk to me anymore, but I'll take that deal because of what that drink does for me.

And and when somebody says you need to not drink, I'm thinking if if you understood what that drink, I can see why from your viewpoint you would say stupid like that. But but if you if you knew what that drink does for me, you would know that alcohol is my solution. It's my problem.

Because the thing that happens to the other side of what makes me alcoholic is that when I stop drinking, I don't get better. You know, our book says that we're restless, irritable, and discontented until I can again experience the ease and comfort that comes from taking a couple of drinks. Um, that's the guy that that when he's been dry for a while, people say, "For God's sakes, man, why don't you take a drink?

You know, you are one miserable bastard. You know, you you're more miserable sober than you are." And what happens with me is that mental obsession. I don't feel better when I stop drinking.

It starts rolling around up in my head. and my head starts. I love Bob said it one time when he was talking.

He said, you know, he talks about being restless, irritable, and discontented. And he said one time when I was listening to him, he said he doesn't get discontented. He said he just starts to notice things.

And you know, and boy, that's me. You know, I start to notice the people in traffic. I start to notice that that son of a in the express lane has got 14 items in his basket.

And I know because I counted them while we were standing here, you know, and and uh um and and you know, and it's just this and what happens and then the guy at work is getting 50 cents an hour more than I do. And I'm doing all the work while the guy up in the air conditioned trailer is making all the money. And and before long, you know, I'm not getting my fair share.

And and and uh and for God's sakes, Charlie, come on. Let's take you I mean, let's take another run at it, man. I mean, it won't be like it was last time.

I mean, we'll manage it better this time. Um, and really if you think about it, last time wasn't that bad. I mean, you you might you might have been a little hasty checking yourself into that treatment center for God's sake, you know?

I mean, you know, it was just a bad weekend. And and uh and eventually that's what happens where eventually my brain says, "By God, I think you're right." You know, and uh and that's what that's what happens. And I get stuck in that.

So to me, what it means to be alcoholic when I say my name's Charlie and I'm alcoholic is that I've got that physical allergy where I react funny to alcohol and I've got a mental obsession that is eventually going to drive me back to drinking again. Driven by that spiritual malady, my mental obsession is eventually going to get me drunk every time. I cannot stop drinking on my own.

And I spend a lot of time explaining that at a treatment center in Austin. Um because I've always felt like if a guy goes to treatment and uh gets a a full grasp of the first step, the treatment has been a success. You know, I mean, I've seen plenty of times where people have done the first five steps in as a term of graduating from a treatment center, but not really have step one.

And to for me in my mind, step one drives everything, you know, because if I the book says we had to we learned that we had to admit to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic. And to me that means in here, not not up here, but where I'm really going, "Oh, dude, I got it. I got what you're talking about.

I am a garden variety drunk." you know, I uh um I am going to drink until I have to get sober and then I will stay sober until I have to drink and that cycle can go on for a long long time, you know. So that's that's to me um what it happens was it starts spiraling downhill though, you know, in little ticks. I give up a little of my dignity.

I I compromise a little bit of my values. I'm I'm willing to settle for a little bit less out of life. But it goes down like tick tick tick tick tick like this.

So yesterday is never that much different from today, you know, and and and when that's what the book's talking about when it says we get to where we can't differentiate the truth from the false. Our alcoholic life seems like the only one because it's it's a whole lot like yesterday was, you know, I mean, it's just I'm just doing what I got to do to get by. And you know, I don't go from up here to down here overnight.

But for me, what happened was it it really it really started getting sloppy. Um uh after a while, I left the bar in a blackout one night and I rammed into a car and um I I was still rolling. So I abandoned the car, reported it stolen, and like you know, any good drunk would.

And um and uh as I'm running back to this bar in a blackout, I remember seeing two policemen looking at the car I'd run into. And I thought, good grief, they got here fast. But I kept going.

And uh the next day they said, "You're going to have to take a polygraph test to get your car back, Mr. Parker." And I said, "Uh, why is that?" And they said, "Well, your car was involved in an accident before it was reported stolen." I said, "You're kidding." And uh he said, "No, they they ran into a parked police car." And I thought that explains how they got there so fast, you know. I mean, you know, but but you know, when you think about how things could have gone, man, I was in a complete blackout.

And if those cops had been standing there, I'd you'd have a different speaker tonight, you know? I mean, because 22 years later, I might still be in the joint. But I I was I was lucky enough.

But but what I'm talking about was it started getting really sloppy. I I used to come out to Vegas a lot and I used free airplane tickets. Well, I used to steal airplane tickets.

I I didn't get free airplane tickets. I used to And we would come out here and sometimes I'd come out here with like a hundred bucks in my pocket back in the 70s. And I remember I was telling Katie, now this is how cool I was when I got here.

I I went I me and a buddy of mine were up at the Sahara and we're staying down at the marina where the MGM is now. And I went broke. And so I go over and I find Mitch and I go, "How you doing?" He goes, "I'm tapped." And I'm and and when we're talking about tapped, I mean, no credit cards, no uh you know, so here we are six miles away and we're walking from at 6:00 in the morning from and right out in front of this deal.

I saw a bunch of lights and there was a guy throwing money in the air and and I started, you know, kind of positioning to see if one of those hundreds uh blew and and I'm kind of getting ready to make my move, you know, and and this guy goes, "Hey, hey, hey." And I look over and it was a it was a set for that TV show Vegas and they were shooting they were shooting a scene, you know, and and I'm over there trying to figure out how I can get, you know, you know, and so that's how cool I was, you know. Um um but towards the end, I was really fond of the pawn shops. And I I like to tell this story for a number of reasons, but I used to I like the pawn shops.

O like the way you could go in there and it was a very pure transaction. You just gave them whatever it was and they gave you the money and they never said, "Weren't you just in here, you know, or uh what do you what do you want with this money? What are you going to do with this money?" I mean, it was, you know, it was just you you went in, you got out, but and I would pull a scam.

You had 90 days to get everything out. And and in the 90-day period, I could usually come up with something to get everything out. And but one day, I had claimed well, I I don't want to give anybody ideas, but I had pulled a little scam that netted enough money to get everything out.

And I came out of a five-day blackout. Uh I mean, I'm talking five days, don't remember a thing. Uh, I came out of this blackout and I had I was sitting on the side of the bed and I had I should say that I was at my mother's house.

I was so mistreated as a child that I ran away from home at 28 years old. Uh, but I was I mean I stayed a few places here and there, but I come out of this blackout at my mom's house. And I got $8 in my pocket and I still had this gangster wad of pawn tickets and you know you've probably experienced mornings like that you know where you just go oh no you know um I shot my wad you know on this deal and now you know so I would have to get up and go to my father.

I forgot to tell you the the one downside of the pawn shop things. I didn't own very much stuff. So, I had the pawn stuff that didn't belong to me.

So, um and that creates hard feelings uh amongst your friends and family. And so on this morning, I had to go to my father and and say, "Dad, if we act now, I can get you a really good deal on all your stuff, but if we wait till tomorrow, it's out of my hands." And and and you know, I would do that, but the thing about it was Dallas was a big town. And and it wasn't just we're going to go to the pawn shop.

We had to go to Buckner Boulevard and then Garland Road and then Harry Hines and then over to Oak Cliff. I left your deer rifle over here and and I left your metal detector out in G and it was the short version of the story is that it was all day in the car with me and my dad and all that shame. And the reason I like to tell this story is because most of us have experienced that kind of shame coming in here.

And the other thing that we've experienced is powerlessness. Because what I would do when I was in the car with my dad that day was I would say, "Dad, I swear to God, I will never do this again." And if I was lying to my father, I didn't know it. Uh I meant it with every fiber of my being.

I will never do this again. My dad was a good man and he didn't deserve the kind of treatment that he was getting from his son. And nobody had given him his stuff.

He had worked for it and paid for it and I'm in there stealing it and pawning it and I knew that was messed up. Uh but he gave me a couple of days and I would hit his house like a cat burglar and you know we we uh we did we made the rounds of the pawn shops three times me and my father. Um and you know so that's how slick I was.

That's how cool I was when I got here. you know, I wasn't hanging with Puff Daddy or whatever he calls himself now, you know, um, you know, and Donald Trump. I mean, I was stealing out of the back door of my family's house and and just a real rotten bastard.

And, uh, you know, that's the guy that showed up here for the program about Alcoholics Anonymous. And uh um I sobered up that time and you know I was pretty I was pretty serious about the program at that time you know I mean but what I was real serious about was going to a lot of meetings. I was what we're doing here tonight is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And when we used to have the circle and a triangle on it in our books, it it had three sides to that triangle. And there's three sides to my recovery. Unity is what we're doing tonight.

And then service is what I do when I'm going out working with new guys, going to the treatment centers and stuff like that. And then recovery is working the 12 steps of the program Bolics Anonymous with a sponsor hopefully the way they're lined out in the big book. But what I did in that first period of sobriety was, and I bring this up because I think it's a dangerous thing that's been going on in our fellowship, but we sobered up at a funny time.

You know, I've been sober well, today's 22 years. And during that time, Oh, thank you. Um, believe me, that's uh that's a testament to the power of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

That's uh that's got very little to do with the power of Charlie. Um but during this period of time, we got a shitload of AA meetings, you know, as they say in Texas. I guess uh you know, that would translate to a whole lot.

But um but you know, I don't think when they wrote the book that they ever foraw a time when a a guy would be able to stay sober by just going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I don't think they ever dreamed that there would be a time that that we would focus on the fellowship more than the recovery program, you know, because they were getting together maybe once a week or maybe they didn't have any meeting at all in their time. What they had was the big book and and the program of recovery lined out in it.

So what I see what I saw with me was I would go to a meeting, you know, I'd get enough relief to get me to the next day, go out and just destroy the world with self-will in the meantime. But then, you know, I'd come into the meeting the next day and I and and I would rock along and I would stay sober and just on the fellowship. Now, I'm not knocking the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I love it. I love the fellowship of AA. I love drunks.

I loved hanging out with them before I sobered up, after I sobered up. We go to conferences and a lot of stuff I love. But the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous will keep me sober right up to the point that I get drunk, you know, and and and I drank with 10 and a half months of sobriety.

I've had my sobriety has been March 22nd two different times. It was March 22nd of 84, March 22nd of 85. And and I wasn't trying to do anything cute there.

It just it just happened. But I got 20 minutes to talk about uh some of what's going on sober. When I talk, I like to talk to the guys that are new because if you drink like I do, there is a program here that really works.

I mean, you know, and and the simp the hardest thing to convince a new guy is how simple this program is, you know. I mean, if you just do what a sponsor tells you to do, I don't even I thought I had to understand the in what the process and approve of the process, you know, but and and it it doesn't mean anything. I just have to understand the directions, you know, just go do this little piece of work and then come back and talk to my sponsor the next day and then, you know, he'll give me another piece of work and you look up at the end of it and it's and it's it's better.

But you know what happened for me was uh going to all those meetings. My sponsor I should mention my sponsor and Mark Houston is uh is my sponsor and and he he says a lot of things that I'm I really like. But one of the things he said was don't let anybody read your big book for you.

And and what I was doing was I was sitting in those AA meetings and I was trying to get AA through what you people were saying in the meetings, you know, and the more I get in the book, the more I see how much what's a polite word for Katie, uh is is going on in the in the AA meetings, you know, and and I hear stuff enough that I start thinking that it's AA, you I mean, if you know, if I come to AA meetings and 6 8 10 20 times I hear somebody say, "This is a selfish program." Uh, well, must be AA, you know, and and and and it and then you start reading the book, I can't find it. I can't find anywhere where it says, you know, this is a selfish program. I think it says on page 15, I mean, it's all about destruction of self.

And uh it says here, "My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead," he said.

And how appallingly true for the alcoholic. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. That kind of stuff is all in the book.

I don't find the part where it says, you know, this is a selfish program. You know, take what you need and leave the rest and you know, and that that sort of thing. But I I I'm getting on a little soap box here.

I got to watch myself. But, you know, the other one was uh put the plug in the jug. You know, uh never did figure that one out.

You know, to me that's like this far from Nancy Reagan's just say no, you know. I mean, it's like if I could put if I could put the plug in the jug, I wouldn't be parking my ass in these AA meetings for 22 years, you know. But um but uh another one that bugs me is when they talk about if you sober up a horse thief, they may only say this in Texas, but if you sober up a horse thief, you got a sober horse thief.

Have y'all heard that one? What is that? You know, I mean, I guarantee you the guy's not going to stay a sober horse thief for long.

You know, my program my program talks about change and and you know, and if I stay the same creepy bastard that I was when I got here, I'm not going to be around for long, you know, whether I'm going to three meetings a day or not. But, you know, I it's it's just it's but I stayed sober this first time and I was kind of working the program a lot. I uh we got 15 minutes left.

This is good. I uh oh I mean the other day I was talking and a buddy of mine was talking in Dallas at the same time and he called me the next morning Tom Pick and I said how'd you talk Tom and he goes oh god damn I did it again. No he said that to me and I said I did it again.

He goes what? I said I looked up two you know 40 minutes into the talk and I was still drunk. And he goes that's all right.

Twothirds of the way through my talk I was 13. you know, so but so so if I'm not careful, I I'll talk about drinking the whole time and then, you know, I've got seven minutes to talk about 22 years of recovery. But what happened for me was I was pretty serious about that, reading the big book and and going to big book meetings and hanging out with people that were fairly serious about this program.

And but what started happening, I didn't see happening. I uh I started reading the book. I don't know about anybody else, but I like to read stuff that I agree with.

You know, I mean, you know how you just you you read along and then you just kind of glaze over the the the stuff that and then some of it you go, "Oh, yeah. See, there it is. That's exactly what I said." You know, I said that in the meeting yesterday.

But you know, but then my sponsor talks about this thing and I I want to share it with you. And some of you have probably heard of the set aside prayer, but it has helped me so much in in recovery. This we do this little prayer before we do the work, before we read the book, before I work with a sponsor, but I just say, "God, please help me set aside everything that I think that I know about this book and this process and this way of life and help me see the truth." you know, and it's amazing how um I see new stuff on the page, you know, and I I don't know what goes through these minds of these guys I'm sponsoring, you know, where we're sitting down with the book, you know, and here's their sponsor with 20 years, you know, and we're doing the the fourth step and I and we're reading along and I go, "Holy look at that." you know, it's like that's a prayer, you know, and uh well, let's get down on our knees, you know, and let's do but I mean, I keep seeing new stuff in this book all the time.

I went through this flat period in my sobriety and I was I'm kind of dancing around that. But what happened for me was I thought I did it pretty hardcore for the first four and a half years. I'm just going to go ahead and say this because I don't have that much shame about it, but somehow in the book, I missed the whole selfishness piece.

I mean, I don't know if this happened to anybody. If I if this only happened to me, praise God. But what happened for me was I went along and I kind of acted like my problem was alcohol.

And I'm going to give you a run through the steps. The way I understood them the first time is that my problem was alcohol. and that I came to believe that this God of that you guys talked about would had removed your problem with alcohol so it might work for me.

I'd made a decision to turn my will in my life over to care. I had no idea what that means. I knew that I was kind of supposed to act like I'd turned my life over to God, but I didn't really I missed the whole part about uh being convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success or the book takes a bizarre turn on page 60.

And if you're not paying attention, you'll just miss it, you know, or I did anyway. And you know, and because it it spent all that time talking about my drinking and then it takes this hard right uh where it says, you know, selfishness, self-centerness that we think is the root of our problem, you know, and and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-well riot though he usually doesn't think so, you know. And uh um um I kind of had this understanding that I was going to do a fourth step.

And because what I was going to do, I was going to write down all the stuff that made me feel bad about me because if I felt better about me, then I wouldn't need to drink, right? And then same thing in the fifth step, we're going to share this stuff. And then we get to six and seven and it was like not really getting it.

But we rolled on to eight. I made a list of the people I'd harmed because making amends to these people was going to make me feel better about me. And then you know so I could be out in the world without worrying about getting my ass kicked and you know and so I'm going to make amends to these people.

And then in nine and then in 10 or 11 I'm going to I'm going to try to clean up as I'm going along. And then in 11, I'm gonna, you know, keep trying to feel good about me. And then in the 12th step, I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna talk to people about me.

And and you know, and and that was it's a little oversimplified, but I mean, looking back on it, that's a lot of what my understanding was. And it was based on the thinking that my problem was alcohol, right? Because anything, you know, it was all about getting me separated from alcohol.

But what I was in was absolute self-will, self-centeredness, self-obsession, self-seeking. All those self-words that they put in the fourth edition somehow. I you know I don't um Katie and I, I should say, have were best friends for 20 years.

And uh her husband passed. Oh, by the way, today's Katie's 49th birthday, by the way. We were we were best friends for 20 years and uh she was married and and I was in a series of relationships and um but we really were she was the first woman friend I ever had and we spent 20 years together and there was uh never any innuendo or improper well one time when she said that she goes you know your sobriety birthday is the same day as my naked birthday and I said, "Well, you know, we should celebrate together.

You know, I'll stay sober." And she goes, "Charlie, you know, but but we've, you know, we've been dating for about her husband passed away and and I was in a plane crash uh in 2003 and I wound up everybody that was on that plane went a little crazy and uh um uh we all survived but not by much. I mean, the short version of the story is we lost power flying from the East Hampton airport back to Manhattan and uh crashed into the Picconic Bay at night. Uh went underwater, the doors wouldn't open.

Um it's pretty hairy and and uh but we got out but not by much. But it was the beginning of a spiritual awakening for me because I I really started looking at things a little bit different and and I started working with some new people and I I went to this John Henry uh in in Austin and I said, "John Henry, I'm so self-centered that I can't even have a conversation with somebody, you know, I have to just force myself to say, how are the kids?" you know, I act like I give a flip while they're, you know, answering, you know, and you know, how's the wife? And, you know, because I'm all about me, you know, I was and this is this is 17 years sober.

So, part of this is is really I'm talking more to people that have been around for a while and maybe you feel like you're not experiencing what you hear some people describe as the benefits of this program. Because during that time, if you'd have came to me and said, "Charlie, what you need is Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, what you need is to get into that big book.

I'm not hearing God in anything you're talking about. It's all about you." And I would have said, "No, you don't understand. You know, I I've been an AA for 17 years.

I I've got some merit badges in this society. I, you know, I I got a little credit. you know, just shut up and back off, you know, and but what he said was, "Come meet with me tomorrow and we'll go down to the ranch." That's Austin Recovery is a has a place they call the ranch.

Bob's been out there with me and talk to the to the new the guys that are in detox and treatment. And the reason I bring this up because it did not sound like a good idea. You know, has anybody ever been pressed into service work by your sponsor?

It never sounds like a good idea. I did not want to go to they're going to want to talk about themselves and I want to talk about me and but but what happened was when I got in there and I started working with these guys and what I'm getting to is that my most significant spiritual awakening came in this program with 17 years of sobriety. Um, and I'm talking about a profound spiritual awakening.

I um I have been on fire with the program of alcohol exonomous for the past four years, four or five years and it's I have learned more about this program when I talk about don't let anybody read your big book for you. I mean, I got into that book and I started, you know, guys would ask me to sponsor them and and you know, I'm going to want to have the answers, you know, when a guy So, there were times where I felt like I was one step ahead of these guys, you know, I mean, I'd say, "Read the doctor's opinion." And then I'd go home and go, "Okay, yeah, I guess." Um, you know, and and you know, and and and I'm in the work, you know, because I want to have the right answers for them. I won't do it to save my ass, but I'll do it to save theirs.

And and and what happened was I started having newer and newer experiences with this program. And and I also don't want to be a phony bastard in AA. So I'm not willing to tell a guy, you need to be doing this every day if I'm not doing it myself.

Because to me, that's the beginning of the end. You know, if I'm if I'm saying you need to be doing something that I'm not doing. So it pressed me into the work and and I started sponsoring these guys and I started seeing the light come on in these guys and if you've never experienced that that is the magic that happens in this program about anonymous and the reason I say that is if you've been around a while you know the real magic is in working with others and if if it doesn't sound like a good idea that's okay and if you feel like you're not capable I had been around a long time but I didn't really feel totally equipped to work with with a brand new drunk.

I do now, but then I didn't. And and but I started working with them anyway. And they didn't know the difference.

And I you got we got to hope God's involved somewhere anyway, you know. And the other thing I was going to say talking about not knowing the difference. One of the other things that bugs me in a is this thing about the newcomer picking out a sponsor.

You know, I mean, I've seen guys come in that are brand new and you remember what it's like on day one. You can't find the water fountain and and I'm supposed to try to figure out who's going to be an appropriate sponsor for me. Uh I like to if I see a new guy and nobody else takes him, I'll go up and go, "Hey, man.

Uh you're going to need somebody uh to show you what we do around here." And you know, they call it a sponsor and I'll be willing to do it. And and they go, "Thanks." you know, I mean it's too important of a decision to leave up to a newcomer, you know, I mean, so I mean this thing about, you know, here's my number. I say take their number, you know, and and you know, and I call them and say, you know, how you doing, man?

What, you know, that but the last few years and Jesus, I wish I had another 30 minutes to talk about what's been going on. But I mean, I remember sitting there with Katie one time and and I was reading the book and I go, "Jesus, uh, there is self all over this thing." And she goes, "You really never see that before?" And I went, "No." And she goes, "That's some pretty basic Charlie." And uh, and I was like, "Missed it, you know. I mean, but but but I'm in it now." And and what what I didn't see happening was during that flat period of my sobriety, what had happened for me was I'd been sober for a while and then maybe a few things started not really going my way.

I had a back-to-back divorces and I kept getting knocked to the mat every time I would step into the ring of a relationship and and I started thinking, you know, I don't know if I thought it out loud, but I just I remember thinking, you know, I tried it your way and uh I'm getting screwed here. And and what happened was self-will snuck its way back into my life. And I I started I started trying to get what I could.

There's part of me that believes what God can do for Katie and what God can do for Bob. But I still there's a part of me that thinks I can get myself a little bit better deal, you know, uh than than what God's going to give me. And uh so that self-will starts coming in.

And the more self-will I got going on, the less room there is for God's will. And then there's less God consciousness. And next thing you know, I'm totally in self-will and I don't even know that it happened.

And and the reason the last thing I want to say is that whole time when I was in that flat period, if you'd have said to me, I would have said, you know, okay, I'm not sponsoring any new guys and I'm not go I mean, I'm going to a few meetings, but I'm not reading the book and I'm not doing any service work, but I'm not thinking about drinking. Right. One day Katie says, "You know, you take that guy that's in that position and you let him blow his knee out in a motorcycle rack or get him get a root canal, you hand him a bottle full of iicodin, and two weeks later, the guy with 17 years sober is going, "What the hell just happened?" You know, how did I pick up again?

and you know, so I don't really know exactly how close I was to picking up at that point, but uh I'm truly grateful to have made it through there sober. And the thing that I would say is if you've been around this program a while, a few a few years maybe. We lose a lot of folks between three years and 18 20 years of sobriety that just kind of start backing out and here comes self-will and and they start thinking you know this isn't the deal for me and then they twist off for one reason the other.

If you've got some time in this program and you're thinking you're not getting the deal you hear and I'm not talking about me as a shining example, but when you hear these big speakers talking about this the the stuff they've experienced as a result of working this program and working with others and you're if you feel like you're not getting it, it's still available. Just get in the book, get into the work. If there's if you don't feel comfortable doing it, get with somebody that is comfortable doing it and get them to show you how to do it.

And and you know there's I'm going to close with one thing on page 100 of our book. I know I'm out of time, but it says, "Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen.

When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a higher power and you will presently be in a new and wonderful world no matter what your present circumstances. I am truly honored to be 22 years sober tonight and to be with you folks and I really appreciate you letting me come up here and talk.

Thanks a lot. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day. >>