Sober Sunrise – Chris R – Pearl City, IL – 2003
AA speaker Chris R. shares his journey from nearly dying in addiction to finding spiritual recovery through the steps. A talk about why the program works when people actually work it.
Chris R. spent 19 years drinking and drugging, eating out of dumpsters, losing marriages and businesses, and nearly taking his own life before walking into a room full of people who would tell him the truth. In this AA speaker tape from Pearl City, Illinois, he explains why he nearly died getting sober—and why the solution has nothing to do with willpower or therapy, but everything to do with spiritual experience and actually working the Twelve Steps.
Chris R. describes his 19-year descent into alcoholism and drug addiction, including multiple failed attempts to quit before hitting bottom in 1987 and attempting suicide. He explains how a Big Book study meeting and a sponsor who insisted on immediate step work transformed his life by addressing the spiritual malady—not just abstinence from alcohol. The talk emphasizes that AA meetings have drifted away from their primary purpose of carrying the message of spiritual recovery, replacing it with therapy and war stories that don’t address the root disease.
Episode Summary
Chris R. is a recovered alcoholic who nearly died before landing in the right AA meeting at the right moment. His story covers nearly two decades of addiction, from his first drink as a teenager—Boon Farm apple wine that “fixed something inside”—through successful periods as a professional chef, to eventually eating out of dumpsters and contemplating suicide while alone in an apartment in North Texas.
The central message of this AA speaker talk is direct and sometimes harsh: alcoholism and drug addiction is a disease rooted in a spiritual malady, and it can only be treated through spiritual connection. Chris pulls heavily from the Big Book, especially the Doctor’s Opinion and the How It Works passage, to argue that the fellowship has lost its way. He explains the difference between the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous (just showing up) and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous (actually working the steps with a sponsor).
Chris spent seven years in AA before getting sober—attending meetings, sharing war stories, and never getting well because nobody was talking to him about the solution. The spiritual malady he describes includes irritability, restlessness, discontent, depression, anxiety, insecurity, and an absolute need for human approval—feelings that alcohol and drugs temporarily mask. When he finally landed in a Big Book study meeting and a sponsor immediately put him on a Fourth Step (not a primer, but the actual inventory from the book), everything changed.
The talk includes striking examples: the “Whizzinator” device that reflects how desperate some people are to keep using rather than surrender; the domestic violence incident with his first wife and his broken promise to stop; the moment he looked at a full moon after getting his obsession lifted and realized he could walk past a liquor store with cash in his pocket and not want a drink. That’s the miracle, he says—not staying sober through sheer willpower, but having the obsession removed entirely.
Chris is passionate (sometimes profane) about what’s wrong with modern AA meetings. He criticizes the overuse of the phrase “powerless over people, places, and things” as treatment center jargon that doesn’t appear in the Big Book. He challenges the toxic meetings where people spend an hour talking about their personal problems instead of the solution. He calls out the hypocrisy of asking newcomers to sit through long-winded war stories when there’s a desperate person on the front row who doesn’t understand the physical allergy, mental obsession, or spiritual malady.
The emotional arc moves from his desperation and shame, through the grace period after getting sober when the obsession was lifted, to his current passion for telling other people how to actually recover—not just stay sober, but recover. He introduces himself as a “recovered alcoholic,” not a “recovering” one, because he believes that spiritual experience creates a state of permanent change.
A listener will understand from this talk why the Big Book says it works, why step work matters, why sponsorship that demands action is different from friendship, and why some people get sober in AA and others just attend meetings. Chris’s central conviction is that we have drifted into being therapists and storytellers when we should be spiritual mentors carrying the message of how to connect with a power greater than ourselves.
Notable Quotes
I nearly died getting to this thing and I’m passionate about recovery.
Alcohol and drugs is not the problem. The alcohol and drugs was the solution. That’s why it’s so tough.
The book says on page 34, how are we going to find some power well that’s what the book is about. Its main object is to show you how you can find a power greater than yourself.
For the first time in my life I landed in a room full of people that loved me enough to tell me the truth. They didn’t give a rat ass about my sensitive little feelings.
Sometime in that two-week period, the obsession to drink and drug was lifted for me and has never returned since. And that’s the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous.
What kind of a crappy program are we talking about if you can only stay sober when things are good? There’s going to be some times when things are just going to go to hell. Are you going to have the power to stay sober through that too? You are if you work the steps.
Big Book Study
Sponsorship
Spiritual Awakening
Hitting Bottom
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Big Book Study
- Sponsorship
- Spiritual Awakening
- Hitting Bottom
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker this is a monly crew here I tell you this is this is something else my name is Chris Ramer I’m a recovered alcoholic I am honored to be here I I I before I get going cuz I talk a little fast I’m since they’re doing this I’m going to try to talk slow tonight but I’m I’m probably going to feel pretty miserable at it so somebody may need to come spell her in a few minutes I’ll wear them out pretty fast but uh I uh I want to thank jod for for letting us come up here uh Patty and I came up Patty’s my my my soon to be wife can you believe this stuff you’d think we’d learned something in sobriety but this will be my third third shot at this experiment called marriage and I’m I’m looking forward to it I think I I think so Patty and I got on a plane in San Antonio this morning or we didn’t actually get on the plane we were sitting there in the airport and they canceled it and there was a mechanical problem or something is going to be a big delay so we got on another plane I need to thank Scotty and uh and um Alisa for coming and just hanging around the airport all day long waiting for us to get there and bless their hearts they did I I uh bless them gez I wouldn’t have done it I promise you but was nice to be and driving all the way out here I I didn’t realize that we were 10 hours away from Chicago I didn’t I didn’t what a place what a deal we couldn’t have asked for better weather and um I want to I want to mention a couple of things first off I I I just feel like I owe y’all an apology because I don’t know a freaking thing about motorcycles you know I I don’t I don’t know Patty spent some time Patty used to have a motorcycle she used to to ride when she was out there drinking and and that’s all I want to know that she did when she was out there drinking and and um she um she was trying to give me some pointers on the way over here you know soft tail hard tail you know I’m I’m the closest time I’ve ever gotten to a Harley in fact is the uh Harley Insignia tattooed on her butt that’s just right sorry sorry Patty I know really any of y’all got an extra sleeping bag I have a feeling I will be needing it I probably won’t be in that motel room tonight um I uh I’m honored to be here I’m I sobered up November 13th 1987 and uh I need to tell you like a lot of yall have some heard tapes of mine and CDs and stuff and I they’re like I said I we laugh about it the roads of this country are littered with those CDs and you know if if you happen to be a big book Thumper and you believe in the power of God and you believe in in a clear message that’s out of that big book then then then we’re friends for life you know and if you happen to be one of those buckaroos that maybe came from a treatment center that didn’t talk a lot about it you’re just sitting in meetings talking about your you’re going to hate my gut in about 45 more minutes you’re going to want to have a chat with me out beside one of these motorcycles and and I’m with you and I’m with you and I’m guys bless your hearts I I want to I really want to get this clear before we get started cuz cuz what I’m supposed to do up here is I’m supposed to share my experience and my experience may be real different than your experience can y’all get down with that so I’m not telling you you’re wrong I’m just I’m just saying that you’re wrong and I just I you know some of some of my passion comes from the fact that I nearly died getting into this Fellowship I’m you know I I DED up I mean I drank alcohol for a long long time and about 19 years and uh I had some some stuff we call alcohol enhancers that entered into the picture long before you know during that process and you know I shoved enough white stuff up my nose to uh to to be Mr snowman forever you know and it’s like you know this stuff just led me to the brink of disaster about 1980 it was costing me a marriage and in a bunch of businesses I had two businesses that I threw in the toilet because of that stuff and and I I I really needed to get sober and I wanted to get sober and I walked into some meetings and couldn’t hear the solution and I spent 7even years trying to get well folks and that’s the only place I’m coming from I I do clerical work at a treatment center in Texas and I listen to more crap coming out of people’s mouths about how to get sober than I can shake a stick at and I I just I watch a lot of people come through our hospital and the first thing you know well how are we going to get well I said well we’re going to get well by doing the 12 steps and they get up they get their stuff and get ready to leave says I ain’t working those stupid 12 steps I here’s what they say I have been to AA it doesn’t work you follow me am I dealing with some people that didn’t want to get sober to begin with absolutely but the thousands of people that I deal with a lot of those people wanted to get sober and couldn’t get sober in our fellowship and this is what grinds some of you you’re taking shots at AA you know guys I got to tell you I love every one of you and I got I got a 14-year-old stepson that’s going to need this program and I think somebody ought to be taking some shots at some of our meetings that have gotten so toxic it’s not even funny and if that hadn’t run you off yet that’s what we’re going to talk about tonight so you might want to get a cup of coffee and go tell us the truth tell us the truth but all understand the truth the truth is is as Chris sees it I mean this is from my perspective this is where I am I nearly died getting to this thing and I’m passionate about recovery I I I travel a lot I I need to tell you I’m limping around like an old man it’s not I’m not that old yet but well that’s not true I’m going to be 50 in a couple of months can you believe that I never come on 50 I mean I never intended to be 50 it’s is no I uh I was in Iceland a couple of months ago doing this deal over there for alcoholic synonymous and I was honored to get a chance to go to that beautiful island and meet those people and uh and to do some workshops over there as I’m walking through the streets of of rovic I I stepped off a curb and broke my right foot and I’m limping around just got healed I ride another two kind of wheel vehicle called a bicycle folks I I’m a competitive bicyclist and that’s as close as we’re going to get I’m sure but I’m the other night I a couple of weeks ago I’m I’m um I don’t even want to tell you this but some of yall I I was trying to step on a big bug in my living room and slid underneath a chair and broke my left foot so I’m I’m I’m limping around so if I get up to hug you and I’m a little standoffish it’s cuz I I can’t get put my full weight into it so y’all y’all bear with me stupid roach okay I need to tell you a little bit here I got a show you this first before I forget cuz I was going to in in in Texas we got a lot of we got a lot of problems uh in Texas with people trying to beat uh uh beat P tests y’all know what P tests are any of y’all ever been in trouble with the law and I I wish I wish I had copies of this I’d pass them out y’all get a good laugh but y’all can come see this little article we got it off the internet a couple couple of months ago this um this is a new thing that they just come out with now some of you’all May own one of these if you do I’d like to see it it’s it it’s called The the Whizzinator my book says given sufficient reason can you stop drinking and that’s the key piece here given sufficient reason can you stop drinking or stop drugging okay but here’s here’s something for those of us that don’t seem to be able to stop drinking but we’re in trouble with a law and we need to try to be a p test this is a like a it’s it resembles a little athletic supporter it’s clear and it’s got a little plastic pee pee on it see and U and you can and you could wear this thing of course you got to put somebody else’s pee in it and then when you go do a p test you can you can use this now some of y’all don’t find this amusing at all you got to see some of you that look dear in the headlight this what he talking guys I call this company to check on it’s $150 for this you y you’ll follow me this is high dollar deal I asked them specifically how big the peeee was you know because I thought I thought I thought we might be able to have some fun with it you know but I mean you got to say Can you can you stop drinking or drugging or do you need to go get a Whizzinator I mean this ought to be the key that we asked the newcomer not how many DWI you’ve got are you willing to wear a a plastic jock strap full of somebody else’s piss cuz if you’re willing to do that buddy you’re an alcoholic unbelievable one one of the things that kills me about speaking around the country and I mean I do get a chance to speak lots of different places but it says no matter seems like where I speak there’s there’s a group of you that are little big book Thumpers that have had an exper experience with God and you’re passionate about the fellowship and there’s always a group of you that are kind of sitting on the sidelines usually always sober a long period of time but not working the steps and they’re the ones that want to take exception with what I’m saying so all I’m going to say is I’m going to be here till Sunday and I I don’t have anything to do at all tomorrow since I don’t ride a motorcycle and I’m just going to sit around the camp and take abuse from y’all all day long so y’all can come gang up on me and tell me how I was wrong up here from the podium but here’s the deal how many of y’all a lot of y’all went to treatment perhaps to get sober a lot of you guys just got sober in the fellowship and and I think most of you in this room have read the big book or or narcotics synonymous at one time or another the basic text but let me run something by you how many of you guys actually think that alcoholism and drug addiction is a disease raise your hand it is a disease did you hear the Trap closing so let me ask you a question why is it then when we go into our AA meetings we talk about else everything else Under the Sun except that just freaks me it’s e alcoholism is either a disease or it’s a behavioral problem now what is it you know I get a bad rap up here you know I got these little issue man buttons I got some up here I’ll flip them to you if y’all want some but this is a little issue man and on the outside of y’all can see him closer he’s got issue woman coming off the press next week I got a little for you know equal opportunity but on the outside they got these little exes to indicate issues you know and like how many of you guys in here right now got an issue that’s grinding your teeth you’re pissed about you I’m sitting in a room one I got one honest son of a in the whole place right back here the rest of you guys are lying a lying and that’s what we I’m telling you that’s what we want to go into meetings and talk about endlessly and it’s it drives me nut these cats that come to the hospital I get them talk to him I said buddy why are you so good and say hey and here’s and they what they I’ve been out there for 10 years and here’s what they say every single time listen buddy if I got to go back into those meetings and listen to one more long-winded speaker talker speaking about their War Stories and then when we finish with our War Stories We flip right over into the problem dour the problem of the day you know I’m going to cut my throat and I’m sitting there and says you know buddy you know we need to come at this with a new attitude and then I’m thinking in the back of my mind yeah just like you in 1980 when you stormed out of that first AA meeting because you couldn’t get to the solution 7 years in Alcoholics Anonymous never been able to put more than 30 days together because I could not sit in the toxic meetings that were in north Texas let me tell you what happened to me in 1976 it was earlier than that 71 Bill Wilson when did Bill Wilson Bill Wilson died in 71 the co-founder of alcoholic synonymous the same year winter he died I picked up my first bottle of Boon Farm apple wine and started drinking some of y’all drink that some of y’all still drinking it tonight probably got one stashed out there there’s always one that shows up at this one of these gatherings is loaded to the gift and I Boon Farm apple wine you know what I’m telling you we drank it and and and it fixed something inside me and it changed who I was and I I would remember I was drinking it with another kid from from high school and he spit that stuff out he says I cannot believe you’re drinking that that’s the nastiest tasting stuff and he says I’m going home and he headed all back across the field and I said buddy does that mean this is all mine you know like you’re not going to drink anymore and I grabbed hold of that bottle and it was one of those little pank things and it wasn’t was a big and I and I killed that bastard and I went home and it was about 11:00 at night and I picked up the phone and called every girl I knew in high school I mean y listen y’all think I’m homely now I’m going to tell you something in high school I was homely you they did not want to talk to me and they dang sure didn’t want to talk to me at 11:00 at night but I felt so good inside you follow me that stuff fixed what was wrong with me see nobody was there to tell me that what that stuff did was treat a thing called a spiritual malady it didn’t change any of my problems out there it changed my internal World y down with that and I that set me on a journey for the next 19 years and see here’s what made it confusing cuz I was a professional I was a professional chef I I I went through an apprenticeship program soon thereafter and got certified as a chef and and I and I was quite successful in my career so I had periods of time in the next 18 years when I was making some big whip I was making some good money I was amassing some property I was doing some cool things with my life but then I would have those times because of the thing called you’re down with this one the phenomena called craving that the doctor’s opinion talks about and because of that phenomena called craving sometimes I would over drink can y’all believe that I get people come up to me all the time that want to eat me about talk to me about about getting on some committee you know Chris we’ve got this National Committee started and we want you to be on it I said what’s the committee about we want to stamp out drugs and alcohol wouldn’t even consider showing up for the first meeting why would I want to Stamp Out the one thing that saved my life see guys we got to all get clear here the alcohol and the drugs is not the problem never has been the problem the alcohol and drugs was the Solution that’s why it’s so tough that’s why I would rather wear a a plastic jock strap than give it up y’all with us that’s why when I lose the first and second marriage that’s why when I lose the businesses that’s when I start to lose my health I still make excuses to go back and do it because the stuff fixes what’s wrong with me guys there’s only a small percentage of people like us bless us you know we’ve got a lot of stuff that holds Us in common we got a lot of similar interests and Stu I know that but the one thing that holds us together is this this inability to stop when we want to here’s what the book says on page 34 if if y’all got a copy of it this is one of the best lines in the book and I wish somebody in 1980 had read it to me they didn’t because nobody really cared if I stayed or went in 1980 they asked me the one question Chris you got a problem with alcohol and drugs uh-huh well you’re welcome stay well but I don’t think I’m a real alcoholic that’s okay just stick around anyway maybe you’ll find out gez thanks for that that passionate 12-step call you you follow me cuz the truth of the matter is they were too busy trying to get back to their domino game and they didn’t want to waste time with me that’s the truth this could have saved my life on page 34 for those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether and for you people from narcotics annonymous or cocaine it’s well just substitute the word drug I’m with you we’re assuming of course that the reader desires to stop whether such a person can quit Upon A non-spiritual basis depends upon the extent which he has already lost the power to choose whether he’s going to drink or not that’s the baffling feature of alcoholism and drug addiction the utter inability to leave it alone no matter how great the necessity or the wish everybody in this room at a certain times have really really really really wanted to stop and we really really really needed to stop and we found we couldn’t do it our own power that’s what alcoholism and drug addiction is and it’s fatal and it’s Progressive and it kills Us by the millions and you know 68 years ago we got the solution to it and that’s where my passion comes from from because nobody seems to want to talk about the solution cuz they’re too busy sitting in meetings trying to sound hip slick and cool with their little chicken on liners y’all know the on liners I’m talking about just don’t drink no matter what how’s that one buddy you know if I could do that I wouldn’t be an AA think through the drink my book tells me I’m page 24 there’s going to come a time I’ll get caught in that mental Blank Spot and I won’t remember the consequences of even a week or a month ago I just do it guys we’re dealing with Insanity here we’re dealing with a real tangible disease we’re not dealing with with a behavioral problem and everybody wants to try to treat alcoholism with therapy alcoholism can’t be the book just said on page 34 it can only be treated by one way and that’s spiritual connection the spiritual means I’m not knocking therapy I think anybody that can afford to go to a therapist needs to needs to see one I see a therapist today but a therapist can’t fix this disease you know it’s crazy it’s like being allergic to a food for heaven’s sakes you know if you’re allergic to avocado and every time you eat avocado it makes you sick then you just don’t eat avocado right but if you keep eating avocado what you got is something psychiatrically wrong with you you need to be locked up someplace so you won’t die from from eating avocado simple enough it’s the same thing does it mean that I need to also need some help when therapeutically with with that divorce or the adoption or the the what whatever’s going on in your life that you’re going through maybe some good therapy would help you but guys we got to get on the same page the book said we just read it and how it works no human power could relieve what’s wrong with me perhaps God couldn’t would if he were sought and that was my experience but in 1980 when I got to the fellowship nobody wanted to talk to me about that they were too listen guys they were so afraid to use the word god with me in the meetings because they were afraid it would scare me off we’re going to tiptoe around the most deadly disease in the world because we’re worried about somebody’s chicken little feelings we’re going to give them a balaced lie right to the front and tell them keep coming back everything will be okay well I got news for you folks you just keep coming back and you don’t work these steps everything is not going to be okay everything is going to be a world of you think you think you could you think alcoholism and drug addiction is just what happens when you put alcohol or drugs in your body how many of us have have experienced this how many of you have seen it in our fellowships people that have have long-term sobriety they don’t have any alcohol or drugs in their body but they’re certifiably nuts y’all follow me we all sit in meetings with them I’ve been there I’ve been there myself it’s like I I haven’t had a drink for 6 months why am why do I want to kill that person you know it’s like I’m I’m psycho man you know if you could see what was in my mind you would you would lock me up that’s the spirit guys here’s what the book describes as the spiritual malady this is the root of alcoholism and drug addiction this is what separates us from the other world out there of normies the the book talks in the doctor’s opinion it talks about being irritable restless and discontent does that sound familiar yeah how about depressed bored anxious no sense of direction feeling of uselessness this this almost irresolvable insecurity y follow us this absolute need for for human approval you’ll follow us you’re always trying to please somebody else yall follow us that’s the stuff that the book talks about now guys when I take a bottle of a quart of beer y’all follow me go do a little bump ask me the questions after I’ve had a quarter beer Grace you irritable restless and discontent absolutely not trouble in personal relationships no in in fact I I think I can help you with yours a’t that right come on go we’ve all done it you give me some you give me some booze and a little cocaine and out there starting businesses and doing the work you see I’m not using alcohol and drugs to party a lot of us in this room started drinking and drugging to party down but we got to a place where it wasn’t about partying down it was about just getting right so we could get through the day you’ll follow us I want to go drink a little alcohol and maybe eat a pill or two and then I’m going to go to work I’m not going to go take the day off I’m going to go to work I’m going to balance my checkbook I’m going to wash my clothes I’m going to try to be a good father I’m going to try to be a good husband I’m just trying I’m going to get through the day you follow me but I need that substance in me to make me okay inside and that’s what normal people don’t understand and I’m going to tell you this that’s what the newcomer doesn’t understand that 19-year-old kid that’s been out there shoting dope and drinking like a fiend for the last three or four years is walking into the meeting and he needs to hear that he doesn’t need to hear that he’s going through some adolescent phase and that some little therapy is going to fix him he needs to hear the truth that he’s The Real McCoy I in uh 1982 um I had spent some time uh quite successful in my career I’d also spent some time eating out of dumpsters in Houston Texas I couldn’t figure out this little little you know this highs and lows of this thing you know but the one constant thing with me was was booze I mean it was always there and uh when I was eating out of dumpsters it was there and when I was uh uh doing the other stuff thanks so much is this the one with the Spanish fly in it okay I’ve been taking coffee from people from the podium for years I wonder how many boogers I’ve drank you know here you little big BG Thumper son of a here I’ll get even with you that’s okay I’m watching the time too guys okay so so uh 1982 I got in a little domestic disturbance with my first wife and uh you know it was one of those things that I said I’d never do you know I it’s like writing hot text it’s like uh coming in late at work you know had a good work ethics it’s like I wouldn’t I wouldn’t get rough with a woman I wouldn’t treat her with disrespect and I that’s the way I was raised that’s the way I was I was brought up and and we had a little pushing match one night I mean it was just I can’t minimize it the stuff coming out of my mouth was far far more harmful than my shove against her shoulder but it was a nasty scene and the cops came and it was I was scared to death and embarrassed and she was freaked out and I’ll never forget that night as long as I live because I remember going back in a couple hours later and and she said you know she said Chris she she said you’ve never acted this way before I’ve seen you out of control at parties and I’ve seen you act like a nut case but you’ve never gotten personal with me like that it says what what happened and I told her straight I I wasn’t an idiot I drank too damn much and I did too much drugs I was off the page she said well Kristen if you really love me why don’t you stop and I got to tell you something folks I told her straight with tears in my eyes the the most solemn oath I’d ever made I’ll never touch another drop no I’m going to tell you something folks cuz I hear at meetings all the time well he ain’t just ain’t ready to quit I’m going to tell you something folks I’ve been ready to quit a million times and when I told that woman I would never do it again just like a bunch of y’all in this audience you meant it you meant it when you told the judge and you meant it when you told your boss and you meant it when you told your family you meant it when you looked at those kids down on your knees looking them straight in the eye I’ll never do it again you meant it the problem is you didn’t understand that you didn’t have the power on your own to not do it again I didn’t touch another drop for 2 weeks and some mullet says Chris you want to go down here and eat little Mexican food and I said yeah and I watched the first picture go by and then I watched the second picture go by and they said Chris just one for heaven’s sakes it’s not like we’re going out on the town I said yeah you’re right and I drank one drink I drank a beer and I drank one more and I went home and she could tell I’d been drinking and she went to the bedroom and packed cuz you see my promise with her was that not that I I wouldn’t get drunk anymore my promise with her is that I wouldn’t touch another drop and I did it anyway that’s a pattern with me she was a good egg she’s a nice lady see people got us got us made out that we’re all Billy badass meanies that we’re psychos buddy we’re suffering from a disease that makes us crazy if we don’t put that stuff in our system unfortunately because of the phenomenal craving sometimes we overdo it and now we’re crazy because of that so the only solution is to just get the completely away from it but also the solution is you got to get spiritually connected so something’s got to treat that internal condition alcoholism and drug addiction is the only disease I know that will kill you whether the substance is in your body or not more of us commit suicide sober than we do out there drinking because life doesn’t get better for Chris rer when he lays the booze down life gets worse all of us in this room are are blessed with a thing called grace period I believe when we first get to this fellowship and this is what’s so confusing for a lot of people I believe a lot of us that make a commitment to stay sober and come into our meetings are blessed with a thing called Grace it’s called it’s God’s grace some out there want to call it a pink Cloud I think anybody that wants to talk about an absolute gift and make a joke out of it and call it a pink cloud is a that’s personal with me because when it’s when you’re experiencing it it’s a very real experience and and it may be the only time in adulthood that you’ve ever felt that way and it’s a real thing and it’s attainable on a regular basis but after a period of time grace period goes away and then this irritable restless and discontent crap starts coming back and we’re faced with a dilemma I can’t imagine life with it or without it y’all follow me the the pain of staying sober starts to gradually outweigh the benefits and before you know it I’m in that place of insanity again and I go use again and we do it over and over until we die or get locked up so what’s the solution the solution just like Bill Wilson said in the very early pages of the big book you got to have it spiritually experience that should be the only topic of discussion in an AA meeting spiritual experience the 12 Steps but I guarantee you thanks to treatment centers and a bunch of well-meaning people we’ve gotten so far off that page it’s not even funny alcohol is synonymous for the first time in in 68 years the last two years we have dwindled in numbers not increased we’ve dwindled in numbers because people are not staying sober in our fellowships how many of y’all sat in meetings and watch people relapse over and over and over talking to Scotty on the way over here both of us had the same experience coming into meetings listening to the stupid discussion topics and not being able to get well why should you be able to get well nobody in the place said that if you walked into a meeting and talked about your chicken chip problem You’ get well because my external stuff is not the pro how many of yall we do this every time I speak from the podium how many of you cats in this room in this in this Gathering here ever drank when you had lots of money raise your hand if you ever drank when you had lots of money how many when you drank a drug when you had no money same hands what’s up how many when you lived in a big city little crappy Town had a great job no job here’s the kicker how many when you had a great relationship with somebody that you really loved how many when you was dating Satan’s sister still am well next time you relap though little brother make sure you don’t blame her for it cuz it ain’t going to fly in this group I guarantee you guys then why is it when we go to our a meeting that’s all we want to talk about here’s the other thing that kills me I got to wind this down I got to tell you what happened to me here’s the other thing that kills me we go into a meeting and the first thing out of somebody’s mouth is well you know I had to come to believe when I got to this Fellowship that I was powerless over people places and things and yall hear that let me tell you something with all the respect I can muster that is absolute crap I am power this over people places and things that is treatment center crap listen guys I got to tell you something the book uses the word powerless one time we read it tonight and how it works I’m powerless over alcohol and drugs can y’all get down with that but I got a solution to it it’s called the spiritual experience other than that I am not powerless I make choices every day to better my life I got the power listen folks the book says on page 45 it says lack of power that’s the Dilemma now how are we going to find some power well that’s what the book is about its main object is to to show you how you can find a power greater than yourself to allow you to have enough power to go do what it doesn’t say just not drink so you can go get the credit cards back folks so you can go take care of your kids so you don’t have to date Satan’s sister anymore dig so you can get you a cool job and make some money so you can go start the Garden or the business or whatever you wanted to go do we are not powerless people you think for a second that I dodged the alcohol and drug bullet just so I can sit in a a room full of people and talk about how screwed up my life is I’m going to tell you this folks and if you hear nothing else I say tonight you’ve got to hear this I understand that a lot of y’all in this Gathering are going through tough times you know that’s one of the things about life you know it’s just life with without alcohol sometimes is just a you know it’s just life is tough you know it sometimes the kids get sick and the job goes south the the family there’s just a lot of stuff that can can make life tough y’all with me that’s why we need this Fellowship that’s why we need the program so that all of us can get tapped into that to that power that’s going to allow us to deal with that stuff I introduced myself as a recovered alcoholic Chris rer I’m a recovered alcoholic the let me tell you what happened which one was the Spanish Fly this one you Yankees you don’t know what Spanish Fly is do you never mind all right I know I’m talking to the wrong group y’all all know what that is no here in uh uh I’m and I can’t get sober uh nobody’s going to talk to me about the big book nobody’s going to talk to me about the steps and I’m just going to meetings doing the same thing a lot of y’all are doing I’m walking in I’m talking about my crappy day I’m leaving I’m feeling better because I’ve talked about it that’s a therapeutic event that takes place but I’m not getting any closer to having that spiritual experience and basically what I’ve done is wasted a whole bunch of people’s time talking about my crap you’ll follow us I’ve never really stood you know our primary purpose says that we have a singleness of purpose in alcoholic synonymous primary purpose says you know we we’ve got one job here that’s to stay sober and carry the message to the alcoholic that still suffers Narcotics Anonymous Cocaine Anonymous we’ve got the same same Traditions primary purpose stay sober help another alcoholic achieve soety you’ll follow us how you know it always amazes me we’ll go into an AA meeting and there’ll be some little dope fend in there wanting to talk about his drugs and we’ll get some Oldtimer in there wanting to shutting down in a heartbeat now I’m with the Traditions I believe singl of purpose is there for a reason you follow us I’m down with that but we don’t have any problem telling them to shut up about cocaine but the next lady that wants to share wants to talk about that freaking divorce one more time and we all just sit back and not and and just go ahead now now where’s our singleness of purpose do I think you need to talk about the divorce yes come before the meeting let’s talk about it stay late let’s talk about let’s let’s go to dinner talk about it Jesus guys we got one stinking hour to get together and talk about the power of God and we’re going to sit and listen to you piss and moan about your day one more time you know I got to ask you the question you know if if if if the if the book says on page 62 that selfishness and self-center is the root of my problem isn’t that the ultimate selfish and self-center to go into a room with 60 people and dominate the me talking about my crap when you got a newcomer sitting on the front row that doesn’t understand the physical allergy the mental Obsession or the spiritual malady he’s dying of alcoholism but we’re not going to get around to helping him cuz we’re too busy trying to play Junior freaking therapist for you yeah don’t get me wrong guys we need to talk about the stuff that’s going on in our life that’s what sponsorship is about that’s what friends and our fellowships are about for for for for a stupid hour during the day can’t we just focus on the topic the big book the solution the power that’s why we can’t keep the young adults in the meeting God bless them why should they come in a meeting and listen to us talk about powerlessness every day try to tell an 18-year-old Kid full of testosterone that he’s powerless that’s stupid it’s it’s pointless why don’t we tell him about the cool that’s happening on our life in 1987 I um I went to a um uh I was working for my brother up in louville Texas North Texas and and uh I can’t cook anymore I’ve lost my certification and um I uh the depression’s choking me I’m taking uh seven or eight uh anti-depressants pills a day uh anxiety disorder you know bipol I anything you can diagnose me with it had depression stuck to it I had you know and I’m taking all these pills to try to treat it and it’s getting kind of kind of funky in my life cuz the pills ain’t working and I’m still drinking like a son of a gun on them and so it has a tendency not to work real well but I uh I remember remember driving home one cold that was on a Thursday night and it’s colder than hell up north Texas and uh I’m driving home and it’s real overcast outside and uh I pull up to my little apartment I live in a little efficiency apartment in lisco by myself and uh uh I got a little $600 pickup truck I’m driving around and uh I uh I go get the mail and a bunch of return checks in there you know and I’m sitting there in my little apartment I got no furniture and the girl’s left you know she’s uh she’s gone long time she went back to her wife beating husband and uh I uh I mean that’s how un wholesome I was I had nothing to offer anybody and uh I remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror I went to pee and look sitting there looking at myself in the mirror and I’m I weigh about 200 lb and it’s all right here in the front and I’m and I’m dying my liver’s shutting down and I’m yellow and uh I um I got bushy beard and hair and I’m just I’m just I reached in the medicine cabinet got a couple bottles of pills and uh I’ve been trading for go fast stuff and uh I don’t like to go down I’m not an opian addict never I can’t understand why anybody would take opiates what is it about walking around drooling all day long I don’t understand what that’s about it’s like I’ve never understood how people can smoke pot I mean that’s the most useless drug in the world smoke pot listen guys it makes you horny and paranoid all at the same time I mean that’s a terrible com no it’s really I can drink a case of beer and go to work let’s go guys you know but I smoke a half a joint and I go I go hide in the closet I mean I’m just naked you know it’s a terrible place to be you know that the pizza guy knocks on the door to deliver the pizza that you just ordered 30 minutes ago and you can’t remember it you think he’s a CIA operative you know I mean God y’all all had experiences like this this is nuts it’s not fun it’s just not a good life you know you spit all your time hiding looking PE H nuts that night I took the pills and I took some alcohol and I said I’m going to die and and I laid down to die and I heard a voice that said uh guys this is my story this is why I Heard a Voice that said I don’t do it go back to AA guys I don’t know what I heard I’ve said it on a million tapes what I I could have heard the guy’s vacuum cleaner next door you know what I heard was Chris don’t do it go back to AA I’m arguing with his voice I ain’t ever going back to AA I’m seven years in aa I’m meeting maker make it fool and I can’t get sober I’m not going to go back to AA it doesn’t work if I have to sit in a meeting and listen to one more stupid stupid long War story or one more pissing and moaning contest I’m going to cut my throat anyway I’m just not going back Chris don’t do it go back to AA got up got sick aborted that attempt laid down next morning I got up still with the conviction that I was going to try this one more time I went to a doctor got some detox meds and uh went to a 6:00 um AA meeting in louville Texas and I walked in the back door of that a meeting and it was just like a meeting that a million y’all have been to I W it was a long shotgun meeting and there was about 40 people in this room they were all smoking cigarettes it’s a kind of the ceiling as the meeting goes starts dropping you know cuz the Smoke’s still you ducking down and I walk into this meeting and guys I got to tell you something it was like God’s sense of humor they’re all carrying big books and I remember thinking as I walk They’re laughing you know they smell good they’re pretty and they’re all laughing and they’re all carrying big books I says God if all the meetings I could go to up in the Metroplex I got to go to a damn big book Thumper meeting I say like like what am I doing here you know and I walk in and somebody says hey Chris welcome back and he embarrassed me you know how we are so sensitive you know and I and I took a step back and there was a little girl it was a 19-year-old girl that was standing between me and the back door and she hooked her finger in my belt loop and said sit down cowboy she didn’t have a clue who she was messing with I got to tell you you call me a lot of things but Cowboy ain’t one of them you know what I’m saying and I I got a reputation uphold here and I I just you know I was like what what are you doing and turned out her sponsor had given her the high sign cuz she couldn’t get over to me in time and she could see that I was backing out the door and she said get in and this little girl this little 19-year-old girl doing what she was supposed to do in alcoh synonymous got me and she grabbed my belt loop and she set me that’s why I get cranky when everybody wants to take the kids to their own meeting if that little 19-year-old girl hadn’t been in that meeting 15 years ago I’d have been dead cuz I was gone and she sat down and laughed with me and smiled and and was just and they put a roll of paper towels by the table while they kep spilling my coffee I was a little getting a little quick you know I’m I’m detoxing in that room right there and they went around the room guys that night to Readers Digest condense they didn’t have like a first step meeting where we talked about well how did you get here so I could listen to everybody’s stupid ass War Stories again what they did guys I’m here they don’t need to scare me back into these rooms I’m already here I don’t need to hear another War Story I’ve identified you got me you’ll follow me here’s what I needed to hear they went around the room and some select people shared briefly about the power of God in their life today as a result of working the steps as a result of sitting in meetings and not just sitting in meetings but participating in a thing called the program of Alcoholics Anonymous see guys I’ve been in the fellowship of Alcoholic Anonymous for 7even years and not been able to get well but I entered the program of Alcoholics synonymous that night and they started telling me how by working the steps they had spiritual experiences and started getting the good stuff back in their life and they asked me at the end of that meeting Chris do you want to stay sober the rest of your life and I said absolutely they didn’t say one day at a time folks they said do you want to stay sober the rest of your life I was detoxing pretty hard by that time and they could see it and they followed me home make sure I got home okay and the next morning they were there on my doorstep to follow me back over to the AA meeting that morning we did a third step prayer still detoxing and they gave me the information on to do a fourth step not a little guide a little four step right straight out of the book I had a little notebook for me and a piece of paper and says we’re going to show you how to do a fourth step you’ll follow me second day I’m I’m trying to get sober and I’m already working on a four step I’ve done more work in the steps in two days than I’ve done in the last seven years because let me tell you what happened folks I finally for for the first time in my life landed in a room full of people that loved me enough to tell me the truth they didn’t give a rat ass about my sensitive little feelings they’ watched me die they weren’t going to watch me die any longer they’ put it to me Point Blank do you want to get well or not cuz if you want to get well we’re going to ask you to do some work and I said yes I’d do it guys I got to tell you two weeks later I’ve got a completed fourth step I’m ready to do a fifth step that Saturday with my sponsor it’s already lined out I’m ready to go I drove home that night it was a Friday night two weeks to the day after I tried to commit suicide I walked back into I got out of that meeting went into my truck drove home great rock and roll music coming out of you know what I’m saying it was just one one of those nights it’s just like God dang life is good it’s more that God’s grace I got out of my truck up here in North Texas and I pulled the tailgate down and I sat down cuz I’m in no hurry and I looked at that big old full moon up there in North Texas and I looked around at the 7-Eleven and the stop and go in the place where I had a liquor store where I had a tab y with me and I look at the apartment complex where I live that my my drug dealer lives in it’s a Friday night I got a pocket full of money and I don’t live with nobody remember and I got all this cash and I can go get me a beer and bump right now and nobody is going to know about it but you know what the difference is this time this time for the first time in seven years I get taken to a place where I don’t want to drink and I don’t want a drug I I’m a yes I’m going to tell you what happened sometime in that in that twoe period going to meetings every night working with sponsors that had me diligently in the work answering the phone at the club vacuuming the floor doing what they asked me to do participating the obsession to drink and drug was lifted for me and has never returned since and that’s listen that that’s the miracle of Alcoholic Anonymous and that’s the miracle what this that’s what Bill Wilson tried to describe in the big book and Dr Bob and the rest of these casts they tried to describe a state of being where we would be placed in the position of neutrality then I didn’t have to worry about what happened out there I mean I got to say it and close up guys I mean what kind of a crappy program are we talking about up here if you can only stay sober when things are good cuz I got news for you there’s going to be some when things are just going to go are you going to have the power to stay sober through that too you are if you work the steps you are if you recover from alcoholism and drug addiction some of you cats in this Gathering right now are still obsessing about alcohol and drugs you’re forcing yourself you’re just staying away one day at a time I’m telling you there’s another way to do it you will not succeed doing it that way the only way that we understand that this is permanent is if we have the thing called a spiritual experience Hallelujah for that I’ll say it alcoholic synonymous right now is at a turning point we uh have a very strong opportunity to help a lot of people get well um for years the treatment centers uh have been taking a bad RP everybody believes that the treatment centers are going to fix what’s wrong with us and the truth of the matter is insurance companies you know guys 9/11 did a lot of stuff to this country it it shook a lot of people it also damaged the insurance companies and 9/11 caused the insurance companies to pull back big time and now what we’re seeing in our facilities in Texas and they’re they’re seeing them all over the country where I speak insurance companies are just flat getting tough to pay for any kind of treatment and so the solution is going to be for a lot of people our brothers and sisters that are still out there hurting they’re going to come into our fellowships to get the solution just like they did for the first 60 years that that we were in business out here they’ll follow us when they come into the fellowship when when when when that alcoholic that cannot stay away from the booze comes into that noon meeting when that crack addict comes into a Cocaine Anonymous meeting or Narcotics Anonymous meeting and she’s been smoking cracked cocaine and she’s lost everything and she’s just so demoralized and she she desperately needs some power I hope there’s some people in that room that are taking the heed out there and carrying big books and are going to stand for something and show them how to have a spiritual experience because what we need in the trenches with us right now are a lot more spiritual mentors and a few less Junior therapists you’ll follow us the book says we have recovered and been been given the power to help others and that’s the coolest thing about it everybody I’ve met here you have the ability to help somebody else guys everybody’s not going to hear the solution from me I’ve said it from a million podiums you know you you want to set yourself apart because you’re shy or because you’re because you don’t haven’t gone low enough down the scale now you say well I can’t help anybody listen buddy you share your story with a newcomer and I’m telling you what there’s there’s a point of identification that’s there I’ve watched it too many times walk into a meeting of alcoholic synonymous and there’s 20 men in the room where are the women the woman that just walked to the door she didn’t want to hear the solution from a man she scared the death of men she wanted to hear the solution from a sister that had been through the same she’d been through oh I forget I’m sorry she you you had to take the kids to the Little League didn’t you my book says that when we put recovery first we get everything we ever want wanted back my experience shows that we can take the kids to little league and still go to the meeting my experience shows me we can still be in a loving relationship and still go to meetings we can still work at jobs and make a lot of money and still go to meetings and be there armed with a big book ready to convey the facts of how to get well to the newcomer come on guys we need some people standing in the trenches with us we need some people standing I’m going to tell you this and shut up everybody in this room that’s ever carried a big book in a meeting or or basic text of Narcotics Anonymous into a meeting and have taken some from somebody I’m going to tell you something I love you I love you for taking the heat cuz anytime you stand for spiritual principles somebody’s going to take your freaking inventory somebody’s going to talk down about you somebody’s going to somebody’s going to try to put tell people to stay away from you because you’re one of those big book Thumpers but guys this is the solution this is the message we got a lot of people out there in the fellowships wan to talk about an experience they’ve never had you follow me a lot of people around the fellowship talking about experiences they’ve never had I don’t want to talk to you tonight or this weekend when we’re visiting about an experience I had 15 years ago with the 12 steps of alcoholic synonymous I want to tell you about an experience that I’m having today in a new relationship with a woman I want to tell you about an experience that I’m having with the 10th step in my meditative life and the 11th step I want to tell you about working with others today not 15 years ago not my stupid dumpster stories I want to talk talk to you about the power of God today cuz that can pull the newcomer with a vision and get him to come to this meeting and stay in this meeting I love every one of you thanks so much bye thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day