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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi everybody.

I'm C. I'm an alcoholic. How you guys doing?

I can't open my drink. Oh my god. Okay.

Um I want to thank you Rose for inviting me. I I know so many people here. >> Oh, that's the best thing.

Okay, they can't hear me. You're lucky. I messed it up.

>> Better. You know I'm an alcoholic, right? New people.

Okay. And I thank Rose, which I appreciate you inviting me to share. I I know a lot of people in this room.

I come here every week. It's nice. And I got uh I got ex-husbands in this room.

One. and uh uh you know just people I admire. This is a terrific meeting if you're new and I'm really glad you're here.

It's a uh 35inut pitch. So I'm going to talk about what I used to be like a little more briefly because this is a workshop and then what happened what I'm like now. And um basically what I used to be like is my compass points to hell without a program.

That's right to the chase. you know, there's just no hope for me. I am a very divisive person with myself.

Uh I often say, which is true, I cannot wait to meet the next guy down the road to fall in love with him, apparently, so I can start hating his guts as soon as possible. That's what always would happen without a program. And uh I I felt I had a lot of problems.

If you're new here and you feel you have a lot of problems, uh you know, welcome. Alcoholics Anonymous has had an answer for me. I I was kind of surprised at the answer and I continue to be surprised at the answer and uh I I've been sober since January 30th, 1983.

I think that's important to say. That's alcoholic synonymous. And and I'm very grateful.

And um when I think about my life, I I used to say I didn't feel a part of I didn't fit in. I couldn't find my place. And then one day I just realized, you know what it is basically, CIA, you you just never identified anywhere.

You know, I didn't identify with my family. They were really nicel lookinging people and I was this tall, skinny thing with buck teeth and scraggly hair in a police report bouquet, so I'm not making that up. And um and it made me mad.

I I'm always mad if I don't have a program. I remember one of the people I was married to, I like to marry people without a program. Um, one of the people I was married to said, "You know, I actually think you're like the angriest person I ever met." To which I replied, "That makes me angry, you know." So, uh, I didn't have a lot going for me.

And, uh, and I felt aware of that. And I remember when I went to kindergarten, I like peaked at five, I think, because, uh, I went to kindergarten and it seemed like there were a lot of people looking at me, kind of like you're looking at me. And uh I became I would say a mind readader in kindergarten because I I didn't know what they were thinking.

And this is part of the self-centerness of my alcoholism. I felt they were thinking something that wasn't good. I knew they were thinking about me.

It wasn't good. There were like too many of them to kill, you know. So I I just felt screwed.

And uh then it got worse. I I went to a what turned out to be somewhat militaristic youth group called the Girl Scouts and uh and Girl Scouts didn't work out either. Um it just wasn't we just didn't get along, you know.

I uh I guess Girl Scout start Girl Scouts started to uh catch on to me when I did something funny with their cookie money, you know, and um and they took that pretty seriously. I took some heat for that in Girl Scouts. Ultimately, Girl Scouts uninvited me to be a Girl Scout and um you know, I felt vindicated many years later in Alcoholics Anonymous when I met a former CEO of Girl Scouts.

I thought, see, they make you drink. I just knew it, you know, and um so Girl Scouts didn't work out. And uh I kind of lurched on there.

You know, nobody took me aside that day and said, you know, this is the beginning of a fatal progression. See, uh from here on in, every organization you join is going to uninvite you to to be a member. And uh but cheer up.

In about 10 years, you'll become an alcoholic and you won't give a damn, you know. So So don't don't worry too much. uh when I was about 17, I don't know if I was 17 or 18, I had my first official drink.

And I remember I took that drink. Uh then I was afraid when I took that drink and I was afraid because I had grown up in a home where drinking was a problem for my father. You know, in AA, if you're new, we say it's a family illness.

And uh what I found with my father is when the alcoholic goes in for the play, nobody in my family stays on the bench. you know, everybody got involved and uh I didn't have the vocabulary when I was a kid, but I saw powerlessness. Uh I grew up in a small town in Montana and my father lost most everything materially because of his drinking and I know he didn't want that to happen.

I I know it. I knew it then. I just didn't have that word.

And uh my father lost his place in the community also. You know, people disrespected him and and I know he didn't want that to happen either. And yet that happened to my father.

And so when I took this drink, it was at a local college watering hole and it was a beer. No big deal. And I I took this drink and I waited to see if something would happen to me like I would lose everything or something.

And uh that's not what happened. But something else happened. And uh the book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about this, the effect produced by alcohol.

And in my case, we all have our own way of understanding this, but in my case, the effect produced was simply that this lifetime obsession I had. I'm a person who has alcoholism through and through. The two features are allergy of the body, right?

And obsession of the mind. I I have other allergies, too. You know, I I have an allergy to penicellin, but I can tell you this.

I can stake my life on this. I'm never going to score a shot of penicellin again in this lifetime. that's not happening.

And yet I have an allergy to alcohol. Why would I drink again? And this is my third time in AA.

And uh the reason I will drink again is because of obsession of the mind. And those tracks were laid before I ever had a drink. I I had obsession of the mind about not fitting in.

I guess we say in a some of us were seekers and I'm a seeker. I I was looking for forever. I was looking for the exit.

you know, I I am somebody looking for something so that I I'm not here. And uh and so when I took this drink, that obsession, I don't know if it was the first sip or the middle of the beer or the bottom of the glass or the bottom of the pitcher, but somewhere in that evening, that obsession of mine was resolved, removed, whatever you want to say. And uh what I'll tell you in in my case anyway is when a problem of that stature is resolved.

Whatever resolves it, I'm going to go back to it as often as I can. And and I began to drink as often as I could. And uh I'm an alcoholic who takes geographics.

And uh suicide's the ultimate geographic. It's the quickest way out of town. I'm somebody who who took that geographic.

But I can't live good. I can't die good. I mean, this is California.

We have earthquakes. I remember I like parked under a bridge on a bad day, you know. I just wait.

Nothing happened. So, I don't have the follow through, you know. And um one time on a real bad day, I overdosed, but it was no dose and we're still waiting, you know.

So, it's like that with me. Um I I started taking uh Geographics in Montana. I started drinking on the reservations.

There were two reasons. First of all, people weren't calling my family from the reservation to tell my family about my behavior. So, that was good.

Second of all, uh a pattern in my drinking. And if you're new here and you work this program, I I found these patterns, these old ideas. And and one of the patterns that I had is because I felt so different from people, I hung out with people very different from me because then I had a reason why I felt different from people, you know, and that would kind of get off my back.

And so, I drank on the reservations for that reason. And um I started having something I call assisted geographics happen to me. I named it because it started happening to me quite a bit.

And and assisted geographic is where somebody else starts helping you pack before you're ready to leave, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

And uh funny to you. And um and that started happening to me. It started happening with my with my mom, my own mom.

Um, when I drink and I get this this release, I guess I feel hopeful is what happens. I feel great, you know, and and I'm going to chase that feeling to the end of the line. And and I would stay out all night if I could.

And when I came home, it's not a good time to uh have a discussion on issues. And um one morning, one of my brothers took me to task for the hour of my arrival. And you know, I'll kill you.

I'll kill your whole family. I don't care if you are my family. And um and we got in a fist fight.

and my mom got caught between us. And um here's the thing I did not understand at that time in my life because as an alcoholic I am self-centered. I if if there's a problem, if it doesn't have anything immediate to do to with me, it's not my problem.

And and it didn't occur to me my parents had separated recently. It didn't occur to me that maybe my mom felt like her life was over. You know, she had these little kids, my dad had a drinking problem, they had financial problems, and now they were separated.

And and then there was me, this problem person, which the book calls us problem people, and it was too many problems. And so uh I had to leave. And uh then I was drinking in California.

And uh I said to myself, I was drinking in Beverly Hills. That's what I said. And um it sounded good to me.

You know, it's that part in the book about whistling in the dark, you know, where you you feel uncomfortable with yourself and you start dressing it up to yourself. And uh I think I drank in Beverly Hills for about 5 minutes at the bus stop. Okay.

And uh I was on my way to hell or wherever I was going. I I ended up way down past Western. Way down past Western.

And uh I was drinking at a bar called The Good Night, which it wasn't, so don't look it up. And uh I had no business in that bar. The people were very different from me one more time, which made me feel comfortable, but it was kind of a rough bar.

There was another young woman who drank there. And here's where my drinking took a turn. What happened is that uh one night one of the two of us ended up with her head blown off in the vacant lot behind the building this bar was located in.

And the thing about that that got to me is her name was Debbie. I think I may have said that. Debbie was like me when she drank.

She seemed to acquire important information about you and it was important that you know you know whether you resisted or not. And and I was like that, you know, and and and I realized it could easily have been me and it frightened me. And uh I did that thing of starting to try to control my drinking.

I said to myself, you know, why don't you back off of it? Why don't you wise up a little bit? You know, maybe you've had more than your fair share.

And what was shocking to me is no matter what I said to myself, I continued to drink. I drank behind my own back. I I drank without my permission.

You know, uh, it's funny to say that to you, but it wasn't funny that that was the scariest thing that ever happened to me. It is a very scary thing when self-will is suspended. Human will I didn't understand what was happening to me.

It was like my life started to go on without me. And um, I got burglarized around that time and I didn't notice for a couple weeks. I mean, come on, who lives like that, you know?

And so I got really spiritually claustrophobic with myself and and where's the geographic for that one, you know? And uh and then at the same time, pretty much right around there, the thing that clenched my looking for help coming to AA. Uh I was looking out of the window one day, I was a little further in the day than it is now.

And I'm glad I looked out the window because I noticed a guy walking down the sidewalk with a shotgun. I'm from Montana. I know a shotgun when I see one.

And I thought that was kind of aggressive, you know, for a city street. And the reason I'm glad I looked out the window is he came into the courtyard of the building where I lived and uh up the stairs to my door and because I had seen this guy. I didn't recognize him.

I don't know if I did something to him in a blackout. I don't know if it was the people I lived with cuz I lived with those kinds of people. Although they probably would have told you I was those kinds of people, too.

And uh I I just knew he was there and I didn't know what to do. I wondered if he uh shot the gun if it could penetrate the door and kill me. Anyway, you know, it was the moment where you seriously want some help and um I don't know what the deal was for him, but he turned around after a little bit and he just walked away.

And uh I I'm really I want some help. And I'm not a person who asks for help. Not before AA I I mean, you get to a point or I'll speak for myself.

I got to a point where like, you know, I'd rather die than ask for help. And AA asked the question, really? And you know, um it got pretty close for me.

Uh what happened is a few days later or within that period of time there was a announcement about Alcoholics Anonymous in the community service section of some newspaper. It said we hold hands here, we pray and then we don't drink anymore. I'm telling you, I thought that sounded as corny as hell to me, but I'll tell you what else.

I want to go because I didn't know what to do about myself. And uh I went to this meeting. It was a daytime meeting.

It was a nice meeting. I remember that because the woman gave me her phone number. She said she'd sponsor me.

I didn't I didn't know what that was and I didn't care. And um all I can tell you is I guess I walked through this agent orange spirituality that's alcoholic synonymous. I say that because I walked in that meeting.

I didn't know if it was an hour, hour and a half. Uh I I did not leave with your book. I did not know your steps.

I did not know your traditions. I sat in that meeting. I walked out of that meeting and like an hour later, bam, out of nowhere, I noticed I did not have the obsession to drink.

I don't know about you if you're new here, but for me, drinking to drink is to breathe. And and what I mean by that is hold your breath. You know, just try to do that.

Unless you're like that magician guy in Vegas who can hold his breath for 20 minutes, but you are going to breathe again. And and I'm going to drink again. I absolutely know that standing here tonight that I will drink again.

I will do it on my own. The most important thing in my life is to remember not to drink. And I cannot remember that by myself.

And I have proved that to myself two previous times. And and I think to my most innermost self, I recognize I need to be an alcoholic synonymous. And uh and so uh this happened to me and I I kind of been looking over my shoulder ever since.

I uh felt I came into AA feeling very subjugated by God. If you're new here and and God the word is a problem. People in Alcoholics Anonymous said, "See, it's a placeholder word." In Alcoholics Anonymous, if you're new, God can be anything.

He, she, it, we don't care. In Alcoholics Anonymous, God is also anonymous. It is whatever you need it or want it to be.

And uh that was important information for me. Uh atheists can get sober in AA because AA is not a theistic system. It's just I need some power.

I guess my god could be called nota. Perhaps that's a good name for it. And that was a good start, you know.

That was a good start. And uh anyway, uh the problem for me was this. I I thought I had a drinking problem and my problem is solved.

What do I need you for? You know, and I said something to myself like if something comes up, I'll be right back because that's how I roll without a program. And as nightfalls day, something came up about two weeks later.

And and what it was is uh it's discussed to some extent in the big book. And uh what it is is a resentment. It says a thing in the book, and if you're new, you're going to have to decide if that book's true for you or not.

In my case, that book is my autobiography. Uh, that book can have a happy ending or it can be a tragedy. It's a comedy in my case, it turns out, you know, but that book says that resentment is the number one offender.

That it uh I think it says it destroys more alcoholics than anything. Either that's a big fat lie or it's true. And you know what?

It is true in my case. It is absolutely true in my case. I should have my picture there.

Uh because what happened to me is I got a resentment towards someone and you know they were fine and and I got so mad at them I ended up drinking and compromised my sobriety. What I know today with this sobriety is that when I get a resentment against somebody I just became willing to die over their problem. And you know what?

I ain't going there. I'm not doing that. I got a program.

I do other things with it. You gave me other tools. And uh and so I didn't know that then.

and and and I came back to AA a couple of times, but I was looking for that thing that happened to me and and it didn't happen to me and and I didn't have the book and I didn't know that you can have a spiritual experience of the educational variety and and so I it seemed I didn't have the power to stay in the rooms and I drifted out the door and uh I was in London and uh I was a model that's what I called it. I don't know what you would have called it if you'd seen me in action, but that's what I was. And uh and I lost my job because of my drinking and uh cuz I stayed out all night and I looked terrible and I don't know what their problem was, but the clients went ahead and took these pictures and I saw them and you know, I looked like an alcoholic.

My face was bloated, my eyes were bloodshot. Not a vision for you, right? And um and the agency was fed up with me.

I don't know what you're like if you're an alcoholic employee. I am not a functioning alcoholic. I'm a terrible employee.

I'd walk down runways with dresses on backwards. I walked out of my shoes. You know, you you can't have too many like, "Oh, it was a bad day." And they were like, "Get out of here." And uh if you're new here, um AA is the I can't club, I guess.

Um because out there I can't and I came in here and I still can't. But out there I can't does not work well. out there.

When you say I can't to the employer too many times, you lose the job. I did. Out there, if I can't make the car payment too many times, you lose the car.

Right. Out there, if you can't show up for the relationship too many times, you lose the relationship. I don't know about you, but I I lost my family because of my drinking.

I got my family back because of Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't even want my family back, but I got my family back. You know, uh Alcoholics Anonymous works, you know, watch it, right?

And um so I lost my job. The Bank of England called me. I was overdrawn at the bank.

It's that moment where God is everything or God is nothing. And you know that's when there's nobody else to call. God becomes everything.

I'm that kind of person. When when when this place is was the lesser of two evils and and that's called desperation. And it's the most badly wrapped gift in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I'll take it, you know, in retrospect.

And um so I called this person who had broken her anonymity to me who was in the industry and I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous. But uh I didn't change enough. And I say that to you because in retrospect I realized I got into the uh demand versus the request type of sobriety.

You know, I had a timet of things I wanted back and uh things that were supposed to happen and they weren't happening. And I got another resentment against Alcoholics Anonymous this time and I'm out of here. And uh there was one who has all power.

May you find him now. And that day his name was Gerald. And uh I was kind of o overdue for Geographic.

And I went with Gerald to Gatwick airport and he was buying tickets to get me out of there. And um I remember when I tried to stop drinking, one thing I thought of is, you know what, I'm going to do something wrong and go to jail cuz they make you stop drinking in jail. But then I thought it through a little bit and I realized nobody can make you stop drinking if you can't stop drinking.

So basically what's happening in jail is they're interrupting you, you know, which is just rude and and so jail was out of the picture. But as I stood in line waiting for Gerald, I think I think God interrupted me. And I say that because out of nowhere, the federalis came swooping in and uh they arrested Gerald.

What was more upsetting to me is they arrested the tickets. And um and so it's that deal in the book, take a trip, not take a trip, you know. And uh I went home and I didn't know what to do.

And when I don't know what to do and when I don't have you, I revert to type. And what I did is I drank I compromised my sobriety one more time. But then I did something that was interesting and it leads back to my original point.

I I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Why would I do that? I really thought about that for a long time because I was so mad at AA for disappointing me.

And what I came to realize was simply this. What happened is I came in aa just like new people here that are here tonight and and somebody was talking like I'm talking and uh you know they were talking about their feelings talking about their drinking and I did that intangible thing that we do in AA. So much of AA isn't intangible.

You can't see it. How do you know you did it? What I did is I identified I identified and and so what happened for me all of my life I never felt a part of.

I identified in AA and Alcoholics Anonymous became my home and I was in trouble and so I I just went home. That's what happened. There was a guy there and uh I thought I'd never see him again.

I don't know about you as an alcoholic, but I'm a liar, a cheat, a thief, and a And um an old-timer told me that I was going on and on about myself and she interrupted me and said, "Shut up. You're an alcoholic. I know all about you.

You're a liar, a cheetah, a thief, and a But cheer up. go in the meetings and sit behind another chief, behind a thief, and in front of a You never have to be alone again. I know.

What a right? Um Um So anyway, uh I went home. That's what I did.

I told this guy more than I'd normally tell people because I thought I'd never see him again. And thank you, Rose. He uh gave me a phone number.

He probably listened to me for as long as it was polite. And he said, "You know, if uh you want to work the program as Bill sees it, CIA, and not as CIA sees it, why don't you call this person? Why don't you give six months of your life to this program?" And uh and then he walked away.

And I guess I was standing at the turning point, you know, as we read in how it works. And I was going to either uh abandon myself or or I ain't. And uh I remember standing with many people in that moment.

They've you gave me your phone number and um I've given new people my number and I said, "Give me a call." And you know what they say to me sometimes is is that they can't. And because I have been here with you and it's an honest program, I know that's the wrong verb. I know that the real verb is they won't.

And that that's a life ordeath decision. Do you know what I mean? And that day what I did is I dialed the phone.

You know, I I was invited here. I could get in my car, come to a meeting and share. I can dial the phone.

What I do know, I can do those things, but I myself cannot stop drinking. As I said, I need you to do that. I need Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I dialed the phone that day and uh I'd never seen this person before. There was no other offer on the table. and and they listened to me and they said, you know, if you want to clean up your act, maybe maybe we can help you.

And you know what? I didn't know what they meant by that. I didn't know what they meant and I didn't want to ask because there was just nowhere else to go.

And if I couldn't do what they said with more information, I I just was screwed. And uh so what I did is I I got on a plane and and I came here on like bad out of hell airlines, I guess. And uh and I got sober in the Pacific group, one alcoholic yelling at another, you know.

And uh I love them. I love them because to a man they cut through my obsession of the mind. I needed that help.

Where's your next meeting? Who's your sponsor? Have you got a commitment?

I walked in that meeting and I will close with this. Uh walked in this big Wednesday night meeting they had and uh I was struck by an attack of self-centered fear probably like in kindergarten. And I immediately knew I'd made the wrong move.

Now, somebody gave me a ride to that meeting and they put me up, those people, and I wanted none of it. And the person I was with noticed I was having like a psychotic episode, and said, you know, you're here, so why don't you stay till the end of the meeting, and you know what else was I supposed to do? I was screwed cuz they gave me a ride, right?

So, I sat in the meeting, sat on my hands, waited, waited. The meeting was over. I got up to dash out of there.

And this guy intercepted me and he said, "How would you like a coffee commitment?" And I remember thinking, "How would you like me to kick your ass?" you know, I was wanted out of there. And uh and I had a few things going against me. My resume, I'd lost my job.

I'd been uninvited to one entire country at that point. Thank you very much. I told you my family downed me.

And um the thing that bothered me the most that evening happened to be the fact I was married to two people at the same time. You know, I wanted to treat it like an accounting problem, but uh you know, the people involved really didn't go for it. It's like, "What do you mean you lost count?

It's not a high number. One, two." And um you know, I had no no answer for myself. And uh I had all those things going against me.

And what I heard myself say to this guy is I couldn't take the coffee commitment cuz I was only going to be there 2 weeks. I I would have loved to ask the person I was that night, where are you going? You know, that would have been a fascinating piece of information.

And uh he he said, "Okay, then this is how he saved my life. Really?" "Okay, then take it for two weeks. And here's what I want to ask you if you're new and then I'm going to close.

Does that look like anything special? Does it look like a page turner or you know what that is for me? That is the biggest one of the biggest things in Alcoholics Anonymous.

The $100 word, the unicorn of Alcoholics Anonymous, surrender. I I just couldn't I couldn't pull it together one more time. One more lie.

nothing, you know, and uh I guess I equate that feeling to drowning. I'm an excellent swimmer and I underestimated the situation one time and I was drowning. And you know, it isn't even that you give your body permission to fight.

It's instinctive. It fights and mind fought and fought and fought and then there's just nothing left. It's over, man.

And it was over for me. And I was going wherever I was going to go. And out of nowhere, there was something to stand on that I could get my head out of water, get a little air, get another shot.

And that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is to me. Thanks for the 12step call. Okay, I know everybody has to go to work.

Uh, I open for questions now. I think I see a question. >> Um, I really identified with the fact that you didn't feel like you belonged your whole life when you got here.

Um, how long did it take you for that to just dissipate, if it ever did, and how did you go about that? How does how did that transpire? >> Yeah.

program that >> yeah the question was thank you John that I I didn't feel a part of did Alcoholics Anonymous make me feel a part of and uh yes and it's been uh the immediate relief of hearing you and feeling like actually feeling like you were crazier than I was so I had a shot here you know and uh if you're new I I win in the weirdness Olympics so you you have every shot in the world of making this program work. And um that was an immediate sense of like I can grasp and develop this manner of living. That's the language in the book.

And and I I just I didn't see what doing a coffee commitment had to do with having two husbands, you know, and and those correlations were a little sophisticated for me. You know, on my best day, I probably have a tenuous grasp on reality anyway. I remember my first sponsor told me, you know, you're always going to be a few streets over from the parade.

Okay, I'll take it. You know, I'll take it. And uh but I I felt and then where I got sober, they made me a part of, if you're new, the way they made me a part of is they had me participate in the meeting.

I'm not a joiner. I without a program, I hate people. What are they for?

you know, and uh in Alcoholics Anonymous, you made me be among people and and like take part in stupid things called commitments and because I was afraid of my sponsor and I found great value in that. In retrospect, it was uncomfortable, but you know what? Dying drunk was more uncomfortable.

And and so I I got to know people because you sort of have to talk to somebody eventually if you're doing something next to them. I mean, you just sort of I I don't know what it was, but I So, that made me feel a part of it and and having the doing the spiritual surgery we do here, you know, we have three inventories we do here and and I could start doing what the book said. I could look people in the eye.

I found out that I I was driven by my ego. You know, this is an ego puncturing program. Mine needed it.

you know, we need major artillery to puncture mine. And and uh my problem is an egobased problem. The ego was the burglar.

And I didn't know that. I I was working on the wrong problem my whole life. I don't know if anybody else felt like that.

I I thought you were my problem. I remember coming in a I remember coming to this meeting. I remember thinking, you know, if I if I'd gotten a Vogue cover, I wouldn't have to be an alcoholic synonymous.

And and I came to meetings and you know what? I saw girls who'd been on a boat cover. What the hell were they doing here?

You know, I remember my mom gave me this weird car when I first got sober and that was my attitude. Weird car. I had no car.

I didn't want a weird car, you know? I wanted like a Ferrari or something. And I thought if I had a cooler car, I wouldn't have to be an alcoholic synonymous.

I'd be happy, you know? And then I came in AA and there's people in this meeting with really cool cars. What the hell are they doing here?

You know, if I had enough money, I wouldn't have to be here. There's rich people in AA. You know, I if I'd been loved, I wouldn't have to be here.

There's married people in AA and there's people that are like dating in a what? So, one by one, uh, I was pushed to the wall to realize this is a spiritual malady. SIA, this is this is that that's what that's what we call it.

And and I came to understand that I was thinking you were the problem and you're not the problem. And and you know, I don't know if you had an alcoholic car, but I did. And and it had a busted windshield.

And and I used to drive down the street in that car. And you know, you got a busted windshield. Everything you look at through that window looks busted.

The people are busted. The trees are busted. The sky is busted.

But there's only one thing that's really busted, right? And that's the windshield. And my windshield is busted without AA.

I I got a ferocious ego. It's macho. It has a mustache.

There we go. You know, and and and that's what I'm contending. And my ego dominates me as an alcoholic without enough spiritual wherewithal.

And because the program has brought me to a right-sized place, I I can do things I couldn't do before. I don't I'm self-supporting through my own contributions at work. I didn't want to be self-supporting through my own contributions, you know.

Uh I wanted to marry somebody with money, but nobody asked, you know. So hey and and so I I feel like a person among persons but the one thing that I will remember is that I am not like normal people and I need to come here to remember that I start feeling normal. I start feeling like I can drink like a normal person.

No no I cannot drink like a normal person. Just ask Germany. Okay.

Hi Thank you, Ste. I tried to get here every Thursday night. I've seen you all the way over the past few years and um sort of up here to me and you know and uh I just want to thank you because I'm not going to stand because I won't be saying I get all self-conscious.

I just want to thank you for just being so eloquent, so poignant, making the this program almost, you know, edible that I can perhaps swallow these one at a time. believe >> was the question that can I leave without thanking you? No, that is my answer.

But thank you. That was nice of you. talk about being married to two guys a like or something like that.

>> Okay. Question was um >> you want to hear more about when I was married to to >> Oh, he wants to hear and then how did I fix that? Uh well, it was a shock to me, you know.

I I mean things just got away from me. Okay, I I'm not kidding. And one day it occurred to me there are two of these people in the stable and uh what are you going to do about it you know and I didn't know I had a drink or you know I moved or something and um and when I got sober this time and got together with my sponsor I was asked what are what are your problems and um that that was top of the list.

You know, I I felt it it it it it told me something was wrong. If I wanted to say my drinking wasn't a problem, I don't know how many normal drinkers marry two people, you know, at the same time. So, um I I got a divorce from both of them.

I think they're happier people, too, you know. I So, that's what I did. That's what I did.

But I had my sponsor help me so that I didn't do it in a way where it's all about me and and I would, you know, I hurt these people. So, funniness aside, you know, I hurt a lot of people. I didn't know I hurt people.

I felt so hurt when I came here. When you talk about the program, you're sold on, you know, I I was so suspicious of AA, if you're new, because it is ego puncturing because it says self-centeredness is the root of our problem. And I was confused by that.

I thought, you know, come on. I feel like dirt about myself. And and I think I need to be built up here.

And and what I did not understand because I was spiritually bankrupt is the nature of a spiritual malady. That that what makes me feel like dirt ain't you. It it's my reaction to myself.

It is that claustrophobia of the ego. My ego is like the classic. It's the greatest case of identity theft I've ever heard of.

Knows everything I think. has all my credit cards, social security, and and just rides me, you know. It's the voice in the background.

My ego was rehearsing for weeks for this talk, you know, it was disgusting and and I it just it's always doing that, you know, and and so uh that's what I did to to hold it in obeyance. I do the things you did. You lived, you know what I mean?

That was that was great. You were evidence to me. If you're new here, the people in Alcoholics Anonymous, there's lots of people with time here.

They manifest the program. If it's just in the book, it's a lie. It's not in the book.

People here have prospered spiritually and they showed me the way. It's one alcoholic talking to another. I'm a person who cannot get it going with professionals because I have I feel patronized.

Defiance is my outstanding characteristic. I I'm just waiting for the opportunity to see you trying to help me. And and what AA is, I'm not a charity case here.

It's one alcoholic talking to another. And and the people I sponsor that I've been given the privilege to work up, they're not charity cases. It's one alcoholic talking to another.

And okay, that that seemed to work for me. That was a lifesaving. Whatever came to pass here has been a life-saving thing for me.

Thank you for the question. What do you do for the maintenance of your spiritual program? >> Okay.

The question is what do I do for the maintenance of my spiritual program? Uh I do a lot. Um I would say I do a lot and um I do a lot and I'm a lucky I I I had a second bottom in sobriety.

I I did I did quite a bit before this happened to me. Um you know I got sober in the Pacific group. They're very actionoriented.

But I get through steps one through nine and um it was my attitude that was a problem. I I felt like done that, been there, done that, got the t-shirt, you know, and uh I got into the maintenance of sobriety. Now, that's steps 10, 11, and 12 if you're new.

And uh I did not do a daily inventory, which is suggested by AA. I did not meditate. I prayed a lot and I did action.

So it says somewhere in our program half measures avail right so that's three steps I was doing 1.5 half and and you know what I I came a cropper for that when I was about 21 years sober I got suicidal again you know uh and and I wondered what was happening to me and um it was the last thing on my mind that maybe I wasn't working an adequate program to forestall this spiritual malady you know alcoholism is incurable I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, but it's incurable and and it progresses and uh my program has to progress ahead of it. It's a living program for a living illness. If you're here, if you're new, you know, and and I I started to really deteriorate and I shared last time I shared here, I talked about I got so angry.

There was a day that I uh got out of my car in the neighborhood here because someone wasn't making a left turn properly. And um I wanted to help him. And um I left my car door open, the engine's running in my car, and everybody's looking at me, including me.

And I walked up to the front aisle of this left turn lane, and there was a young man there, and I his window was open. I punched that guy with all my might. And um you know, he kind of it probably felt like nothing to him.

I mean, hey, but um he could tell I was like a little crazy and he did the sole right thing, you know, he just turned and left and now everybody and and you know, I I I I didn't mean to do that and it was just like drinking. It just pared my drinking. I have not had an obsession to drink since I got sober.

That's been something you did for me perfectly, Alcoholics Anonymous. But these are defects of character and and these are the tools of the ego and my ego was asserting itself and uh and I got really scared and I what I got scared of is that I was going to kill myself again. I started keeping a knife in the bathroom and I thought where's this going?

Just like my drinking I realized you know what I don't want to kill myself. I'm going to kill myself without my own permission just like drinking. And and uh I I thought the day came I thought you know what maybe AI doesn't work.

And it shocked me to hear myself say that. If you want to say that that's your business but I'm not here for any other reason on this planet breathing in and out except for Alcoholics Anonymous. Love was not my problem.

Stuff wasn't my problem. I'm my problem. I'm busted inside.

And and uh I I just I thought it's like that part in the book where that guy is pondering whether God is or isn't and he says something like could all the people who believe in God in the world be wrong and like the the the gates of hell clang shut on in that moment I thought really if AA doesn't work where am I going to go and uh I thought maybe you missed something and so I I did I went back to the book I went to step three I uh read step three in French. I speak French, but not as well as I speak English. And it made me think, and you know, I found out exactly what I told you when I started telling you this story.

I had taken back my life. And you know what I found out? If I do not turn my life over to the care of God, I ain't going to have one.

I know that. I found out that I can die of alcoholism without ever taking another drink. It's a shocking thing.

Alcoholism is a shocking illness. I underestimated it. And it just was so close for me.

I really thought I I waited too late that I wouldn't respond. And uh uh you know, I came up here one day in that period. I thought everybody hated me in this meeting.

I was building a case, which is what my ego does. Builds a case, builds a case, you know, and I walked in the meeting and they asked me if I'd like to be secretary. I don't know.

There's something wrong with those two things, you know, like they don't add up. if they hate you, why would they ask you to, you know, and and and I'm so grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous. Those are the things.

So now I do those things. I I I was humbled, you know. I and I don't have a problem with it.

I have a very prosperous sobriety now. Thank you for the question. But I do meditate.

I do that stuff. Uh is there a woman? >> Last question.

>> Yes. Last question. Is there a female in the house?

Okay. Go ahead. Yeah, Mario.

>> Hi, Mario. >> I can't hear you, Mario, because the traffic. How do you live?

>> How do I work the program on a daily basis? How do I >> No, the 12 step. >> The 12 step.

Oh, the 12 step. >> How do I work the 12step? Well, I'll tell you what.

I need the business first of all. And um I I talk to new people and I've got to be conscious of that because I do know a lot of people here and I love them and I start talking to them and I forget about the newcomer. I don't look around and see when they raise their hand.

You know what I mean? I I have to really sloth can be a defect of character in that way. And uh that is what I do so that I know new people.

I give them my number. I give them my number now on I just make my cards. I was given out my professional card and I realized that's the wrong lead because people start calling me for work and I'm here.

I mean maybe somebody can get a job and I can help them but my primary purpose is to carry the message and and so uh that's what I do cuz I know AA works, you know, and and I got your phone numbers. I I count on you. If I get the obsession to drink tonight, I'm calling every one of you sons of You know what I mean?

I I earned my seat in Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you're new, you know, we say if you want what we have, do what we do. There's a lot to do here.

And it's fun. That's what I do. I try.

I'm a mope without Alcoholics Anonymous. Uh and and I I'm happy, joyous, and free. Whatever that may mean to you.

I ain't got that monkey on my back. There's hope in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll close with this.

It's a chapter that says there is a solution. It does not say, "SIA, you're right. You're screwed." Thank you.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.