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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Okay, I'm David Thatchin.

I'm an alcoholic >> and uh my sriy date is March 9th, 1992. And I'm a member of the primary purpose group in Spartanberg. Uh one of the finest group of men and women I've ever spent time with in AA.

And I hope I get time by the end of this thing to tell you a little bit about them. I try to do so anytime I can. Uh I'm told that I'm supposed to tell you in a general way what I was like, what happened, what I'm like now.

So, you know, I'm going to do my best to not make a fifth step out of this thing and get in too much detail. And uh I'm also told that I'm to tell you this to tell you how I came to form a relationship with a higher power that's enabled me to stay sober. And I'll do my best.

A lot of times I don't get to that very well because I had a really hard time with that. You know, I came into this program as an atheist and did not find God very easily in little bits and pieces as I went along as it went for me. So, I'll just get started and see where we go from here.

I I was born in Pascula, Mississippi and uh stayed there for a very brief time. Moved on to South Carolina by the time I was 3 years old. So, you know, for practically my whole life, I've been in Spartanberg except for in and out with school and that kind of thing.

And growing up, you know, I I when I started in this thing, I would have told you I had this horrible childhood and all these things that went on. But, you know, I've listened to enough fists and I spent enough time with people that had a real bad time to know that I was really pretty lucky. But there was a lot of yelling and screaming and a lot of being told that I was stupid or lazy and things like that that really kind of sink in, you And the end result of it was, you know, I was a kid that just didn't feel like he fit or measured up anywhere.

And uh and I had that feeling long as I can remember. My earliest memories of being or being embarrassed or being uncomfortable, you know, not like the happy opening the Christmas presents, but the being uncomfortable wherever I was. And uh you know, you hurt my pride and I remember it forever.

And I just how I was. And I've said before and you know I feel I always felt like I walked into a room with a booger on my nose and my fly down you know just and I checked before I came in here you know it doesn't go away easily but uh you know that's just how I felt and uh so you know by the time I found alcohol you know I I was ready I was ready one of the things that I had done about it though I found a solution uh prior to alcohol and and it was something that I've come to know the solution is today you know it's the funniest thing, you know, I found it on my own was I got real involved with my church and I was real involved in Boy Scouts as a little kid. And uh you know what I found was the service work, the projects that we did for underprivileged kids and things like that were something that made me feel all right about me, made me feel closer to God and closer to you.

And strangely enough, that's the solution I got today, too. And uh and I found that. But what happened with that was uh by the time I was about 12 years old or so, one of these little projects I had done for the hospital, a children's unit, got some attention, you know, on local news, and it was announced at the school I was in and I was humiliated, you know, that was not cool.

It was not cool to be a boy scout and be helping people of all things. And uh and I was really embarrassed and I quit all that at that point, you know. I just dropped that.

Dropped church, dropped God, dropped all that. and uh shortly thereafter found alcohol. Uh got got to be honest with you, first thing I found was marijuana.

Uh it was illegal, so it was a lot easier for a little kid to get than it was alcohol. And and I love that. And my story, drugs are there all the time, you know, the whole time.

And uh I don't share that a lot about that. This is Alcoholics Anonymous. Also, you know, I don't share about that cuz I'm not an addict.

I was confused about that when I came into AA. I had a lot of people convince me otherwise. And I realized, you know, I dropped all that by a simple decision to stop and change the people I was hanging out with.

Never worked with alcohol. You know, that had nothing to do with my drinking. And uh so, you know, shortly after doing that, we got to pursue alcohol.

It wasn't something I found by accident. You know, we had heard that that worked. And uh we got together with a a friend's sister.

We were going to a little middle school dance. And you know, feeling like I felt I wasn't going to a dance too easily anyway, you know. And uh and we we found a a sister that would would buy something for us.

And I had my first drink. And what she got was what she thought little kids could drink pretty well, you know, something that would go down easily. So my first drunk was on malt duck, which which was the awful stuff.

It came either in four or eight packs or something. I think four packs. And it was red and tasted horrible.

But what happened to me that night was, uh, one of the things I read in the doctor's opinion that happens to people like me, uh, people we call alcoholic, is, you know, I drank all I had. Uh, immediately upon getting enough in me to feel it, I got a craving for more of the same and I drank all I had. The other kids with me, um, they drank what they could.

You know, they drank what they could and they fell down and got in all kind of trouble. What happened with me was when I drank all I had, I got comfortable. You know, I was immediately okay.

I I walked into this little place where I would not have been comfortable and felt like I belonged. And man, that was a solution for how I'd been feeling. You know, I would have been a fool not to pursue that at every possible opportunity, you know, cuz it worked and it worked quick, you know.

And so I did. And all throughout school, I was a a pretty regular drunk. early on, you know, it was a little harder to get, but uh as I got into high school, I was a pretty regular drunk, you know, not daily, but but not any less than four or five times a week and uh and arranged things in such a way where I could do so part-time jobs with with alcoholics I could drink there and things like that.

And in the meantime, things were getting pretty bad at home. Uh, it had been pretty bad, but it started getting bad when I started drinking cuz I started reacting and things got nasty and there was a lot of fighting and a lot of anger. And the way it kind of worked was, you know, my dad had hit me, I'd hit my brother and we all get on my mom and it just like that all the time.

And, you know, I started spending a lot of time away from home drinking. Uh, by the time I got in college, you know, I was free. That's that's where my drinking changed for me was uh I didn't have to hide anything.

There want anybody there to tell me what to do and when to do it really. And uh I'd been getting away with drinking cuz I was an honor student and I you know I was one of the kids that was supposed to do very well. And any little trouble I'd gotten in in high school was excused away because I was one of the one of the kids they liked and one of the ones that was supposed to do really well.

And I carried that on into college. I was scholarship student. I was an art student down at University of Georgia, you know, and uh I got a lot of I got a lot of excuses for my drinking and behavior there because art students are supposed to be kind of goofy, you know, and uh and I was I was goofy, you know, and uh and you know, I was one of their good students that they wanted to do well, so if there was a problem, they'd excuse it for me, you know, at least for a while.

At least for a while. So, I really started uh bottoming out with my drinking by the time I was 19 and 20. Uh the physical stuff started showing up by the time I was 19.

I was drinking every day and I was drinking most of the day and by the time I was about 19 or so, I started waking up with what we get. You know, the shakes and the sweating and the just not knowing what's happening about to crawl out of my skin and realized if I took a drink in the morning, everything would be all right. You know, that uh that it made the day okay and I got over it.

And so, you know, by that time I was doing that drinking round the clock, not 24/7, but drink when I get up, do what I had to do, drink at lunch, do what I had to do, and, you know, drink all night until I fell asleep. And, uh, that was pretty much pretty much the routine. Uh, didn't take but about a year of that.

You know, my drinking career is not real long. 12 years old up to beginning to realize I need to quit by the time I'm 20. didn't actually quit then, but I knew I had a problem with alcohol at that point or thought I might.

But by the time I was 20, I wasn't able to go to class. And uh dearest friend I had in the world. She uh she came to me and said, "David, I don't I don't know what to do, you know, and I don't know how to help, but uh maybe these people can help." And gave me a card that said Alcoholics Anonymous.

She had written it down and a phone number. And I drank on that for a while. I don't know.

It may have been a day or two, but you know, thinking about it cuz I knew, you know, this wasn't how I had intended to go through college. And uh and I called it one night and I talked to the guy and the older older gentleman answered the phone and you God bless this guy. I know he was doing the best he knew how to do.

I I know. And I talked to him for a little while and I asked him, you know, what do y'all do at those meetings? And uh he said, "Well, we drink coffee and we talk." And said, "Okay." And we talked a little while and he said, "You know, we really don't have anybody as young as you in our group." And I thought that's just what I needed to hear.

I was too young to be an alcoholic. I had suspected that cuz I knew alcoholics were really pretty old. And he confirmed that for me.

That's all I needed to hear, you know. And I said, "Well, thank you and good night." And that was the last of my dealing with Alcoholics Anonymous for at least another six years. And uh I managed to get on through college, do what I need to do, being confronted only by by some doctors that I used to like to go see and things like that on occasion.

Got got another scholarship and went on to graduate school and uh carried that drinking with me and the game changed up there. You know, down in Athens, it was all right to be a goofy art student and be kind of strange and drink in class and stuff like that. I got up to Eastern North Carolina and that's a pretty conservative bunch and and they look crosseyed at me when I started moving a refrigerator into my studio and I'm supposed to be one of their graduate assistants and and I thought it was right to do that and I had no idea it wasn't okay, you know, I didn't and they weren't real happy with me and what happened up there was the thing that used to be my solution and enabled me to do things I couldn't do, you know, because stuff like this I I had a history of being terrified of talking in front of other people.

still do, you know, to some extent. And uh so I would drink, you know, I go to class and lecture and drink or any anytime I had to do that kind of thing. Well, up there that didn't work.

And it became the thing that kept me from being able to do all the things I needed to do. And it didn't take very long before, you know, even though I was doing very well in school, I needed some kind of solution. And I bailed out of that.

And I I found a solution. I decided I'd come home to Spartberg and get married. That that'd make everything better.

And uh that's what I did. I came home and and married a girl I'd been dating, drinking just as I had been and uh barely working, you know, not really doing a whole lot. I was painting and selling some artwork and that kind of thing.

And uh something changed about my drinking during that too, as I became uh I became everything I hated. You know, not only was I having to drink when I got up just to be okay enough to get on with the day, I became a violent, angry person when drinking just about every time I was drinking. You know, my my first reaction to that was stop drinking brown liquor because I knew I was going to kill somebody if I drank brown liquor anymore.

At least, you know, at least white liquor and beer didn't have me jumping up and down on somebody's car in traffic like brown liquor did. And and so I did that. But, uh, as we went along, what happened was, you know, I'd been blaming everybody for my problems.

I could I could pretty much get by with whatever happened drunk by blaming it on being drunk. Oh, I was drunk. Everything's all right.

Oh, forgive me. Or whatever. Um, at some point during this thing, what I did while drinking was hit her, you know.

And, uh, there might be people in this room that think that's all right, you know, and that's okay. You can live with that. But, uh, that was one of those things that, you know, this girl's 5 foot tall, 95 pounds, and I couldn't really get up the next morning and feel like that was okay.

I couldn't find some sort of way to blame that on her. You know, I couldn't find some sort of way to just say, "Well, I was just drinking. That was no longer okay.

That was no longer an excuse. I'd done something I couldn't live with." And look in the mirror without wanting to throw up. And, you know, I mean, I knew I knew I had a drinking problem, but I thought, you know, generally I was all right.

Well, that changed there. I knew that wasn't okay. And uh and I'd love to reach a point here saying that I went to Alcoholics Anonymous and everything was wonderful, but that's not how it happened for me.

I started a few years of trying a couple of years of trying to not drink without the aid of Alcoholics Anonymous cuz, you know, I was going to go to any lengths to avoid AA. I did not want to go to AA. I told you I was an atheist guy and I knew a lot of them met in churches and I knew it was related and I didn't want to have anything to do with that.

And so I went to the doctor and told him what had been going on and you know what I'm probably a little bit honest with him about what had been happening. I needed to stop drinking and he looked at me and he said, "Well, yeah, you probably do." And uh let me let me give you a prescription to help you while you're stopping drinking. And he wrote me a prescription for Xanax.

>> All right. >> Yeah. I know.

And uh now I wasn't honest enough to tell him I'd been taking that anyway. >> >> And I was also one of the guys that, you know, when you look at the side of the bottle and it's got a red label, it says warning. Alcohol may intensify the effect.

I took that as instructions, you know, not as a warning. And uh and that didn't last real long. I mean, that didn't take, you know, it didn't take a day or two of that to make me want to drink badly as it always did.

And uh things got bad and things got worse and I was just as ugly and nasty. And I came back to the doctor again and I asked him, I said, "Uh, don't you have something that would make me sick if I drank?" You know, I I really I really need to stop drinking. And he said, "Well, yeah, I do." And it's called an abuse.

And I want you to read all this. He threw all this paperwork at me. And I read it and bottom line was it says, "Warning, it may kill you if you drink on it." And I said, "Kill you if you drink?

That's good. That's what I want. I don't want to don't want to drink.

And if I drink and die, good. Okay." And I started taking my antabuse. And uh and what happened I don't know how long I don't know how long it was cuz I was taking my antabuse and drinking coffee and doing some of what I knew you supposed to do.

And uh and at some point you know what happened to me is what the real problem with alcoholism is for me. You know the squiggly writing in the book um is I was sitting around on my abuse happily not drinking and started thinking well I wonder how much you'd have to drink before it killed you. and and I began a period of probably my only period of like social drinking that I ever had, you know, was uh sipping on a beer up to the point I started feeling nan abuse.

And I mean sipping, not guzzling, just sipping at it until I'd feel it and I'd turn beat red. All the scars on my body would light up and it'd feel like someone stabbed me right here and I'd start sweating and then I'd ease back off. And then when that ease up, drink a little bit more.

And that's that went on for weeks and weeks. Uh that was my social drinking. And and what happened, I'd go out with friends.

Most my friends weren't alcoholic, you know. Most of my friends were normal, decent people that would drink on weekends, you know, and stop when they wanted to. And they may overdrink a time or two, you know, but and they'd go out with me and I'd be doing my ant abuse drinking and they'd just laugh and they'd come up and say, "Are you enjoying that, David?" And I'd just be like, Yeah.

You know, and just having an awful time. And I did that for a while because that's it. You know, the problem I've got around alcoholism isn't that when I take a drink, I get a craving for another drink and can't stop.

It's not that when I take a drink and get a craving for another drink and can't stop, I get violent or go to jail or throw up or any of the other kind of things. It's that dead cold sober. I start thinking like that, you know, not wanting to drink and taking something that hopefully would kill me if I take a drink.

I start thinking, well, how much can I drink on that? And proceed to try. That's the problem.

I got the squiggly writing in the third chapter, you know, where suddenly he thought, you know, and that's the problem I've got. You know, I've got a mental problem around alcohol. I don't see the truth around alcohol.

You know, I I had lost the power of choice and drink. You know, it wasn't about you have a choice today. I'd lost the power of choice and drinking just like the book told me.

And uh and I would start thinking crazy stuff and it would seem okay. You know, it seemed all right to be doing that. And uh but at some point I realized, you know, this this abuse and drinking is going to kill me.

And I quit taking an abuse of course. And uh and it wasn't very long before the wife quit taking any of that and she left. And then I realized, well, you know, she was kind of a problem anyway, so I can drink.

And wasn't long for the police picked me up again and thought, well, you can't drink. And went back and uh went back to the doctor, went to a counselor and uh and started seeing a counselor to talk about my drinking, knowing, you know, if we figured out what was wrong, then I'd stop drinking. If I understood me better, was a book call it self-nowledge, might make it a little bit better.

And started talking to a counselor. But like I told you, I'm nervous around folks. I I am uncomfortable around people I don't know, especially if they want to talk about me.

So, I would drink a six-pack or so to go talk to a counselor about stopping drinking. And I did this twice a week, I think, week after week. You know, drink a six-pack, go talk about not drinking, do it again.

More of the squiggly writing. That's just, you know, that seemed okay. You know, that seemed like that was normal.

That seemed like that was a way to go about this. And I think what it was was same problem I had later in AA is I thought he was going to say something magic that was going to be the answer and I just lose a desire to drink. Bam.

You know, well, it didn't happen. And uh at some point, I guess I drank enough to forget to go and and went on like that. You know, I said I was going to try to get to how I came to a belief in God in this thing.

And you know what I've come to understand is I I I've come to a belief in a higher power working in my life by looking back. you know, by evidence of him being there when I wasn't paying attention. And that's kind of what started happening for me, you know, as I I found that all the people I needed were at the right place at the right time.

Um, you know, things I could have missed by 10 seconds happened right when I needed them to, when I was ready. And that's what happened. Shortly after this uh counseling experience, I tried to I tried to minister and that didn't work out much better.

Drinking, talking to him. And uh but I was I was going down uh to get the paper in driveway and uh a guy came by. I'd worked with this guy while I was doing the interviews experience and uh and he laughed at that.

He just loved that and uh but he'd also shared at shared with me at that time that he was a subber member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He didn't tell me I needed to go. He just said, you know, I find this works for me, you know, while I'm doing ant abuse and drinking on it.

And uh but that's all he did. He just told me what he had done. He told me a little bit about what he had been like.

He shared a lot of stories of his. And then when I left that lost that job, left not right. I lost that job and uh moved along.

I lost touch. He moved out of town and uh and I moved somewhere else in town. Had no idea where this guy was.

Wouldn't have known how to call him. And I was down getting the newspaper one morning after another bad time. See, I'd gotten involved with another woman to fix it.

And that violence I brought into that, she was just that violent. She was just that violent without drinking. And uh and it was ugly.

You know, it got ugly from day one. I thought she'd understand. She's a bartender.

Uh you know what better person? You know, she didn't understand. And and what was going on there was, you know, while we were doing what we were doing, arguing, fighting, knocking each other down.

Um her little 12-year-old girl laying back in the back listening to all that. And just like that time of hitting that wife, it's hard to wake up next morning, think I was okay to have her go through that that night, you know. And the only way that could make it okay is take a drink and it'd happen all over again.

Well, about time all that was happening, I had all I could stand to me, you know. I just had all I could stand to me. Go down to get the newspaper and this guy just shows up.

You know, he just happens to drive by. I could have missed him by 10 seconds. He'd have never known I was there.

and he stopped and talked and uh I didn't tell him at that time everything was going awful. I didn't tell him I needed to drink and I couldn't stop and all this kind of thing. We just kind of it just kind of put him where he needed to be.

And a couple days later things got bad and worse and I called and talked to him and I said, "You know, what do y'all do at those meetings?" That seemed to be my going to AA question was what do y'all do at those meetings? And uh and he he gave me an answer that wasn't wasn't your big book. It wasn't profound.

All he did was, you know, say, "David, you know, why do you go to bars?" And I gave him every answer other than get drunk. I said, you know, to be around people I got something in common with, you know, to have some friends and not have to hang out by myself and people to talk to. And he said, "That's all we do in AA.

We just don't drink while we're doing it. Nothing profound." And and I agreed to go. you know, I said, "Will you take me to one of those meetings?" And next day, he showed up in his old unmarked police car and picked me up and uh drugged me down to a place downtown.

And man, I'd love to say I walked in and heard the message and got sober. It wasn't like that. It was another couple of years, but and I don't remember what went on.

I, you know, it was bright. That's what I remember. It was brightly lit and my head hurt.

I think it was yellow at that time. And uh and I think I picked up on those chips when they offered them. And I think it was probably cuz he went and I went for a little while though, you know.

I I wanted to go back the next day. I had sensed I guess there was a solution there. I knew my other I'd used up everything I knew.

I mean doctors, ministers, girlfriends, family, everything. I'd used it up, you know. Um so I started trying to go.

And you know, one thing I failed to mention at that time, too, uh it's right about that time with my family, things got worse than I ever thought they could. And uh it was about my 26th, maybe 25th birthday. And my dad and I celebrated in the front yard by beating each other up, you know, just fist fight right out in the driveway.

That was that whole deal. That was the thing that happened just before this guy showed up and kind of put me ready. I'd used up family.

They weren't having any more of me after that. um just used it all up and I started going to those meetings and my experience I you know years ago I'd have told you you know maybe I wasn't ready you know maybe I just wasn't ready but I don't know about that looking at it now I went into a group full of crazy people that just it was an alcoholics anonymous group that was full of crazy people and uh the people I hooked up with like all the crazy people came to me and offered me help and I and I thought this was great. You know, I thought, man, this is good.

You know, these these people care about me. You know, they're concerned about me and they're offering me help. And that's great.

I never had a place like that. And then I met this pathological liar that couldn't get one honest word out. And it was to the point where, you know, I unsolicited come up and tell you lies.

Another guy moved himself into my house and ate the last bit of food I had in the fridge. Brought his dog with him. Um, then there was another guy that offered me help and I really needed help.

you know, I drunk again and and I called him and he said and told me where he was and said, "Come on down and I'll talk with you." And I got down there and now it's a little hole-in-the-wall bar and he's in there drinking and told me he's going to pick up a 90-day chip tomorrow. I know that's not right. You know, I really don't want to drink.

You know, I don't want to drink and I know that's not right. But, you know, I think that's the kind of thing you get in a group that doesn't have strong sponsorship. crazy people run wild and take advantage of new people.

You know, um I got some pretty definite feelings about that nowadays. But, you know, it didn't take long before that girlfriend that I'd been fighting with who really wanted me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous felt like I should stop going to Alcoholics Anonymous if that's the kind of people I was going to meet and hang out with. She didn't want me to have what they had.

And uh and I agreed with her and I stopped and started drinking again. And uh I went on drinking for about another maybe 6 months or so. Really bad drinking.

You know, the kind the kind that you do when you don't want to be drinking. You just got to be drinking. And uh and what happened?

I went through something I had never gone through before. I'd been through mourning jitters. I'd been through sickness.

I'd been through violence and anger and hurt. And everybody had ever cared anything about me. But I hit something new that I didn't know about, which was DTS.

You know, I found out if I quit drinking too quickly, stuff happened. And you know, when I spent an evening crawling around in the floor hearing sirens and trying to get to a telephone just to call an ambulance, you know, if I could have dialed, I'd have done it, you know, and I was just hearing screaming and ambulances and that kind of thing. It got my attention, you know, and I and I woke up and felt I need to call A&A again.

And uh another thing that happened for me that I think you know when God puts people I need where he where he needs them for me I think is what it is is uh one of the guys that this man that took me my first meeting introduced me to and introduced me on first day and this guy handed me a business card with his name and number on it. And you know, I I kept that in my wallet and I called this guy that day when I got ready after those DTS and he was there and he was still sober and now I'll call it synonymous and I didn't realize at that time what a miracle it was cuz this guy wasn't but 90 days sober when I met him and I didn't realize the turnover rate we have in Alcoholics Anonymous at that time. I do now.

I know it was an absolute miracle that man was still sober because uh we'd like to convince ourselves we're more successful than we are, but we're not. And uh a large number of people sitting around here today aren't going to be here next year. And this guy happened to be sober.

And when I called him, I said, "Can I come back? I didn't know if they'd let me when you quit." And uh and he talked to me. He said, "Yeah." And we hooked up.

He became my first sponsor. And I like to say I got sober. wasn't like that at all.

You know, I drank for another year and a half. And what happened with me, I tried to make some efforts at some steps and and I I I would drink like I'd make it three days and drink and then I'd make it a week and drink and then I'd make it two days and drink and I'd keep picking up white chips and then I'd make it 30 days and I get brilliant, you know, and just start sharing and and take drunk on the way home, you know, and you know, picking up white chips till they stop clapping for you, you know, they just kind of go he's or you know finally reached a point where I figured the white chips were the problem. I just quit picking them up, you know.

That obviously was the problem, you know, but I just kept coming back. You know, if I didn't do anything else right, I followed that one instruction of keep coming back, you know. And what I think now the problem was was I didn't know what the problem was, you know.

I didn't know what I had. I thought I did. I thought I walked into AA and understood I had alcoholism.

I didn't know what that meant. And I really did start out this thing thinking it meant when I take a drink, I take too many and that's it. I didn't understand I'd lost the power of choice and drink.

I didn't have a choice. I was hearing people tell me things like, you know, choose not to drink today and didn't realize I can't. It's not possible for me.

Uh make a decision not to drink. Had no bearing on whether or not I drank that day. Um you know, remember your last drunk.

I didn't realize what the book tells me that there's time and place. I'm not going to be able to do that. It's a good tool when it works.

But, uh, for a drunk like me who doesn't have any choice, I get into squiggly writing, you know, and then suddenly I think and I forget what happened that made me want to stop drinking. Play the tape through didn't happen. Didn't happen.

When I was ready to drink too late, you know, playing the tape through didn't happen for me. No willpower-based solution was going to work for me. But I didn't know what I had.

I didn't know I didn't have a choice. And the only thing that happened for me is I got miserable. You know, I I I even even tried, you know, I'd gotten a girlfriend in aa over here.

And uh she was staying sober and I wouldn't. I thought, hell, she was staying sober, that helped me, you know, should. She and I are going to a lot of meetings together and she's doing well.

And uh nothing was working. And the end results about a year and a half of going 90 days a couple times till they let me chair a meeting and I get brilliant and take drunk and all that was, you know, I just got miserable. I'd uh been laid off from a job, started drinking.

I was supposed to chair the Friday evening speaker meeting cuz I was brilliant at that point and they're going to let me chair the meeting. And uh and I did showed up drunk to chair the meeting and chaired it. And uh if I'd have had the power of choice and drank, I would have drunk on the way home.

not on the way there, you know, and uh what happened was, you know, Beth had had enough of me. Uh my friends, you know, in AA uh they, you know, they'd had enough. My family no longer believed AA was my last hope.

They just they didn't see that working. I knew AA didn't work for me. I'd been doing what they said.

I went every day and uh and it didn't work. And I got miserable cuz I'd made some good friends over that year and a half or so. I I'd met people that I really cared a lot about and they cared about me and they were staying sober and I wasn't and that's a really lonely place to be.

I'd cut out to drinking buddies so all I had was me and uh that was a really bad place to be. I knew I was going to die drunk. My mother was coming up to visit and I decided, well, I'm going to stay sober just long enough for her to think I'm okay.

And I couldn't make it till 10:00 that morning. And something in me broke. Something in me broke.

I knew I was going to die drunk. And she got there and I said, "I need some help." You know, I need some kind of help. I've been resisting having them lock me up somewhere cuz I had a lot of important business and things I needed to do or AA was all I needed and they needed to lock me up somewhere.

And and she picked me up and took me back to Alabama. And uh if id have had my choice, I'd have been in a treatment facility eating three nice meals a day talking about my issues. And uh God gave me what I needed, not what I wanted.

And I was in a psych ward in a place down in Alabama with people had problems far greater than what I had because they didn't have a solution for what they had. And uh what happened was God put before me people I needed to meet. And they weren't special special alcoholics who had a great message to share.

You know, one was a little girl named Natalie who uh had fetal alcohol syndrome. She looked like she was about seven, but she was really 15. She wasn't going to be okay.

And it was from drinking and it wasn't her fault. And she was a sweet kid. Uh made friends with another little girl was about 12.

Looked a lot like the daughter of that girl I'd mentioned earlier. And uh she had just come out of a body cast from being thrown down a flight of stairs by her alcoholic father. And she was in there, you know, and that was alcohol.

That wasn't her fault, you know. She didn't have anything to do with that. And uh and you know, a lot of people like that.

You know, I met a lot of people abused by other people's drinking, you know, and and somehow or another that made a real impression on me. And uh just before I left that place, you know, I they rolled a guy in on wheelchair and he was talking a lot of AA slogans, a lot of good talk would sound good around discussion meeting and uh I talked to him. He'd been sober 25 years in Alcoholics Anonymous and and moved down there and didn't really like how they did it and and quit going and uh wasn't too long that, you know, being older his wife passed on and he began drinking.

He couldn't even walk. He knew what to say, but he wasn't even walking. And uh I paid attention.

You know, I still know today I got to do this at least 25 years. You know, I got to do that. But, you know, I hadn't had a drink since that time either.

And uh what was different this time? You know, I I thought about it a lot and I didn't know. You know, I don't know.

First of all, something in me broke. It wasn't anything y'all could give me. You know, something inside me had to break.

um that thing in me that thought I could avoid the next drink and uh and it left an opening where I needed to find a higher power cuz there wasn't anything else. And I came back here and you know during that last drunk I'd talked to a couple of guys, one big black prison guard named Hilton who intimidated the hell out of me and uh and a little biker named Stitch that intimidated the hell out of me. You know, both of them scared me to death.

And I called them round the clock and they talked to me every time. And I mean, you know, I'd call up until it's time for them to go to bed. Then when I and I drink all night and then I knew, okay, they're getting up at 6:00 and I start calling again.

And they talked to me every time. Not once did those guys say, "Call me when you're sober." You know, they knew I wasn't drinking cuz I wanted to be. They knew I was drinking cuz I had to and couldn't stop.

And they talked to me. Well, when I got back, I got with Stitch and I got with Hilton. I stuck more with Stitch.

and he got me over to this house and he pulled this thing out and we sat down and started reading and and strangely enough when you don't go through the doctor's opinion and skipped to how it works. You find out what you got and explained to me that an alcoholic like me didn't have any choice in drinking and that I was going to have to find a higher power or I was sure to drink again. And he spent some time explaining that to me and I understood it this time.

And he also shared with me a a set of these Joe and Charlie tapes that I listen to cuz I, you know, drew for a living. I listen to tapes over and again and they told me the same thing. An alcoholic of my type doesn't have power choice and drinking.

I better find a higher power by using the steps of this program. And they explained it in such a way where I understood it and they were telling me things I wasn't hearing sitting around the groups I sitting in. They were telling me exactly what I had.

They were telling me the problem, the solution, and the program of action to bring about that solution in a real simple way. And and that's what I did. You know, um I didn't have any real belief in God, but what I read was all I had to have was a willingness to believe in God to get started.

And that was all I needed. You know, I'd been trying to start with a faith I didn't have. You know, people were saying you got to have faith.

I didn't have belief. And what was I going to do? And this thing told me I just had to be willing.

I was willing and alcohol made me willing and uh and I was willing to do that. And I and I proceeded on with just a willingness to believe in a power I didn't believe in. And I got with the guy and did the third step.

And I just did it like it said, you know, got on my knees and prayed with this man, not because I had a big belief in God, but because I knew he did. I knew he believed more strongly than anybody I knew in that room. And I wanted that, you know, and I did that with him.

And I and I did the did the inventory and wrote down, you know, who I'd harmed, who I resented, and all the whole the whole deal that we know in here. And I shared that with another person. I became willing to change.

You know, I didn't want to be the guy I'd been anymore. I didn't want to hang on to any of that. Unfortunately, a lot hangs on, but but I didn't want to be like that.

And uh I think some of the important stuff I did got to the amends process was, you know, I got, you know, I had to make amends to my family. You know, I told you what it was like around the house. I told you how my dad and I were.

You know, something had to be done there. And and with my mother, you know, she just loved me. She was just scared to death.

And it was pretty easy talk to her. And she just she just wanted to know I was all right. you know, she just wanted me to let her know I was okay on a regular basis.

And uh what I've done with that since that time for the last 12 and 12 and 1/2 years or so is I've called her every Sunday night at 6:00 without fail unless I'm going to be away. And then I let her know where I'm going to be and try and call from there and done that over and over again. with my dad's a little tougher, you know.

I mean, I I did the basic amends and somehow that didn't feel right. You know, that didn't seem to be complete. And Father's Day rolled around and uh and I wrote him a letter.

And this time what I did was, you know, rather in the past how everything he had done wrong was what I focused on. I I wrote him a letter about how everything that he did do right and how I was proud of him for coming off the farm in Mississippi and seeing that I had a life better than he grew up with and how I had opportunities that he didn't. And I was really proud of the man he was.

And things changed. Things changed little by little, you know, uh as as I went on. There wasn't any more telling them I'm doing wonderful, telling them how sober I am, but they just needed to see action this time.

And uh so that's kind of where I went from there. You know, uh one of the things that was real important for me in in recovery from early on was the idea of service. You know, I heard it mentioned a lot, read it in the book, and and what I'd noticed was the people that seemed happiest in recovery were involved in giving back to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I wanted that and I didn't have a whole heck of a lot to offer, but I was in a clubhouse type thing. So, there were things that needed to be done. And uh and what I did was clean, you know, and uh and do yard work, you know, mow the grass.

Um I'm a little obsessive. I asked if I could paint the walls and we end up remodeling the whole building, you know, but but that whole time I didn't take a drink either and I was scared to go home after a first shift job at 3 until the meeting time. So that put me there doing stuff and kept me away from drinking.

I think it gave me a purpose and made me feel pretty good. And what happened was that group became mine rather than your group that I visited. Uh it became my kind of pl my place.

I had to be there. You know I had commitments and uh I think you know where I got into service kind of stuff I seem to be into a bit today is uh it started real funny. It started by a sponsor of mine way back.

You know I'd go to meet and we'd call. Sponsorship was so important for me. I couldn't talk in front of y'all.

I tried to go to meetings that were big enough where I could hide. And I'd go back and talk to him about what they talked about. And uh and he'd say, "Did you read?" And I'd say, "No, they gave that out before I got there." And he'd say, "Well, I'm sure if you asked, they'd give you something to read." And I'd do this.

And we went for weeks, you know, of him saying, "Well, did you read?" And I'd say, "Well, no, they gave them out." And until, you know, sometime later, I made this big leap and was able to run home after a speaker meeting and say, "Joe, I read the long one." you know, guy a guy out of college scared to read how it works, you know, but I was I was terrified of you guys and talking in front of you or doing anything like that. You know, I was going to mess up and I was going to mess up. And that kind of started some things.

And the older guy came along and he said, "Well, David, I'd like you to consider doing treasury for this group." And I said, "Dave, I'm no good with money. You know, I'm no good with checkbooks and paying bills." And he said, "Well, David, this is how you become good at it. And I had made a decision that if AA asked me to do anything, I'd do it.

You know, I really would. And so I just said, "Okay." And I found out I could do it. And that is how you get good at it.

And uh then they, you know, come along about time you get good at it and say, "Oh, this is mine." You know, then then they say, "We would like you to do this." you know, and and the end result was I found out something I didn't know about me is I I'm far more capable than I ever gave myself credit for. I'm far more able to do more things than I know about. You know, that I that I am competent.

I am responsible. And somewhere along the line, it became very important to do what I say I'm going to do, be where I say I'm going to be when I say I'm going to be there without fail. And uh I think doing that kind of thing gave me that.

And uh and not only did it help me in sobriety, you know, it carried its effects over into my business life where I find I can talk to people in a way that I never could before because I always felt down here and them up there as now I can deal with people eye to eye, you know, look people in the eye and know that I'm all right. Cuz I'd always hated my own guts. I think one of the one of my favorite things I ever got involved in service had been going to the Starberg detox and got going down there like once twice a week every week and doing that doing what we do just like the book says do it tell them about me not about them tell them what I was like tell them about my drinking you know and uh did that without fail over and over for years and I and what happened there is I got very very interested in uh these guys experience you know uh when I was saying the serenity prayer at detox I was not saying it alone you know these guys had been in aa you know there were very few first timers and I decided to talk to these guys and find out a few things cuz you know I think sometimes we too quickly write off you know well they just weren't ready you know I don't know that and I asked them what their experience was and they said well I went those meetings and I you know heard a bunch of people griping and moaning and I got kind of tired of that.

Or, you know, other things they just, you know, I'd ask them what step were they working on when they drank, you know. Well, I was on step three. It's a thought and a prayer.

Um, what I found out or came to believe is that uh many many people quit Alcoholics Anonymous without ever being exposed to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, without being given the opportunity to do what we do that can free them from the obsession with alcohol. I mean, free them, not just give them a little relief. And uh got real interested in that.

I told you I was going to tell you about my group if I had a little time. And and these guys are great. We just have good time.

Is we got real interested in in having a place where when those guys came in, they were going to hear the problem. They were going to hear the solution and they were going to hear the program of action to bring about that solution. You know, that we decided we just take our meetings and we just take them out of the book.

You know, we have uh two meetings a week. Monday night, 7 o'clock, we have a literature-based discussion. Somebody brings something out of one of the conference approved books, reads it, and that's what we talk about.

Uh we don't ask if anybody's got a problem. We assume you got a problem if you also anonymous. And uh you need a solution and and that's what we talk about.

And uh it's gone real well. On Friday night, we've got a big book study. You know, we read one page at a time and we talk about what's on that page.

We don't read the white parts, we just read the black parts and we talk about our experience with that page. And uh we've been doing that for a couple of years now and works real well. Uh what's happened as a result is we've had some guys come in and find the value of sponsorship right quick and uh understand that if they work the steps in a timely manner, they can get sober in a timely manner and maybe be released from a obsession with drinking.

Uh, I know everybody's got their own opinions on that, but if I'm bleeding to death, I'm not going to go to hospital a year from now. And you know, these guys do the steps quickly and they make amends and what I see is they get happy, you know, cuz if I can't be happy in Alcoholics Anonymous, no reason to be here. And these guys seem to get happy and they carry that happiness back into their lives and their jobs and things are good with their wives, their kids.

They're being fathers and mothers again. And uh and it shows and we were in the meeting this morning here at 8 reading uh working with others and you know it talks about to see a fellowship grow up about you. These are things you won't want to miss and uh that's true.

I wouldn't miss that for the world. I've uh I've seen how that can work. I was sharing in the meeting this morning, one of the neatest experiences I've had in the last year was one of the saddest too was uh when my last sponsor was dying of leukemia and uh and uh spending time having meetings with him at the bed and seeing a group of 14 15 hairylegged guys all kneeling around the bed doing the third step prayer together and uh and watching him try to help folks and what I had was the experience of seeing exactly what this tells me about the fellowship growing up about is uh at his funeral.

I looked around and I noticed the guys he sponsored and the guys that they sponsor and the guys that they sponsor and those that they sponsor all there, you know, 300 or so people all there just by carrying a simple message of, you know, I don't have a power of choice in drinking and uh here are the things that I had to do in order to get sober and I'd be willing to help you do them if you'd like. And if not, I got to move on. And uh that seems to work, you know, and I I think I probably shared all I need to tonight.

I'm very happy to have y'all ask me to come down here. And uh y'all have a good evening. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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