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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. My name is Don C.

I'm an alcoholic. >> Hello everybody. Um my sobriety date is uh August 10th, 1978.

And um I am from the Moakin nation and my Indian name is Tantanka Wambblei. And um it's just really an honor for me to um be here um you know this evening. Um but before we do get going, there's uh one thing I uh I was taught uh to do and um and especially after I got sober for a while and I went back and I talked to you know our elders and uh one of the things they said that I should do is um it's always smudge and um so just with your permission it just takes few seconds uh I like to do that um for those of you who may be familiar with that it's just a burning of the sage leaves and the sage is a medicine plant that has for for purification.

And so um it's put in a bowl and then um it starts to burn smoke and it's in that smoke the medicine comes out the purification medicine and um then what I will do the smudging with is this eagle's fan. This is from a eagle's wing that was given. And these are in our cultures very sacred.

And uh when you allow the medicine to come on the wing and as the medicine gathers on the wing then as you like a eagle's wing will fly through the air then it shoots that medicine across the whole place. And what it allows is everything to interconnect. And uh that's the way oh and I see some of you know what this is.

Um so this is good. And so that's way I was u taught to to do that. Then also I'm going to uh place it on a red cloth here cuz also it's in our tradition it says that whenever you are in the presence of a eagle feather you're not supposed to lie.

And I am an alcoholic. So I think I will put that out there. I was thinking sitting up here thinking I would have the ego feather on one side and Frank on the other one here, you know.

I think they call it a sandwich or something, you know. Um, so maybe I'll start I'll tell you my my best Indian joke that I know and then uh uh long time ago there was this uh little Indian boy was in this boarding school up in the northern part and uh he attended this boarding school and there was this teacher there that she was always watching for these little Indian kids that seem to have it, you know, >> the superstars. And so she happened to notice this one little Indian kid and he he was pretty good, you know, good in math and good in science and he had like charisma and she watched him and uh finally she said his he's one of them.

So she called him up in front of the room there and she said um this little Indian boy she said uh you know she said you going to have the ability to go far. She says you're smart. The creator has given you a lot of blessings.

And she says, "As I watched you," she said, "Uh, the only problem you have," she says, "is you just lie a little bit." She said, "Not like big lies, but just little lies." And she said, "That's that's not good." She said, "So maybe I'll help you correct that, so when you grow up," she said, "then you tell the truth and everything will go your way." So he said, "Okay, teacher, that would be good. You help me." So a couple days later, he's out in the hallway and he's talking to some other kids and he's telling this little story and she caught him. He was a lion.

So she called him aside and she says, "You know, that's what I was talking about." She said, "Uh, you wasn't telling the truth." "Oh, teacher, thanks for reminding me." He said, "So a couple of late days later out in a in a playground and she catches him lying again. She pulls him side, coaches." I mean, weeks go on, he keeps lying. She keeps coaching.

She tried psychology 300 series, 400 series, 500 series, everything she knew. Little kid, he just wouldn't quit lying, you know. So finally she called him up in front of her class on Friday night and she said, "Sit down." Oh, he sit down.

She said, "That's it. I try everything I know. You're always lying.

I can't get you to quit." She said, "Next time I catch you lying like that, I'm going to take you right up to the principal's office." God, he stood up. He says, "Man, don't. No, don't do that.

Don't make me go up see the man." You know, no little kid likes to go up see the principal. He just begged. Don't don't don't.

He's all right. So weekend went by. Monday morning he come in and uh boy he was excited.

He come up to that teacher teacher teacher. He said you can't believe it. He said me and my dad said we went had a weekend by ourselves father son.

He said we hiked we camped and he said uh we cooked and had to talk you know. Said Sunday he said uh we went down there by lake. We wasn't fishing.

He said fished all day. Only caught two fish. He said dad caught one.

He said I caught one. And he said, "Teacher is trout." He said, "Those trout was 100 pounds a piece. God, teacher, they were this long." She said, "That's it.

That's it." She grabbed him by the ear and down the hallway right up to the principal's office. She took him in there and set him right in that chair. So, of course, she didn't kind of inform the principal what was going on there.

So, the principal lean forward and he said to this little Indian boy, he said, "Uh, heard you had a good weekend." God had a great weekend. He said, "Boy, me and my dad, we went camping, fish, and caught two fish. we had 100 pounds a piece.

So the principal leaned back in the chair and he kind of put his fingers together like that and he said, "You know, sometimes," he said, "You do have to fight fire with fire." He said, "Psychology stuff don't work." So he leaned forward, he looked at that little Indian boy and he said, he said, "No, me and my wife went for the weekend camping with man towoman talk." He said, "We watch him butterflies, some birds." He said, "Really had a marvelous time Saturday night." He said, "We cooked this big supper around the campfire." And he said, "Cleaned up everything. We sat in front of our tent." And he said, "All of a sudden, this bushes moved on one side." So this big grizzly bear come running into camp. He said, "Walked around that fire really slow, headed right towards me and my wife." And we sat there.

He says, "Finally, we seen a bush move on the other side." Bush moved a little bit. He said, "This little Chihuahua dog come running into camp. You see that Chiaawa dog?" It looked at that bear and he said, "Run right over that bear.

Jump right on that bear's back." Used to run up by his neck. He said, "Bid that bear in the neck is that grizzly bear dropped down dead." Boy, a little boy looked at that principal and a principal looked back at that little Indian boy and they sat there looking at one another. Find a little boy just stood up and big smile on his face and he said, "Sir," he said, "I'll have you know I'm the proud owner of that dog and that's the second bear kill this month.

Well, they always say uh when you do this, you tell your story. What happened and what that was like and what happened now? What's going on now?

And about the best way that I could tell my story, I guess, is um and I think the person originally I heard this story from is here tonight. It was a long time ago I heard his story but I remember when he said this story I related to it right away. He just you know that sometimes they tell you that and it's reach and grabs your heart and it was a story about this uh boxing match and it was in this big arena and uh was full of people.

They were sitting all around all those seats and there was two down there in that boxing ring and they always save the front row for your family. They get oyster choice seats. They put a rope there so they can sit there.

So my family was sitting there and this one corner was this one in the black trunks. His name was Alcohol and he was over there hanging on the rings and I was in the other corner the white trunks. And uh everything was going like it normally supposed to go and uh referee call everybody together, explain the rules.

They said, "No problem. Understand those rules." The bell rang. We come out there and we started to box around with each other and everybody's kind of watching.

It was fun. The bell would ring. We go sit down and it was no big deal.

Bell would ring. We come out there and start boxing around again. And after the third or fourth round, it seemed like the alcohol, it got a lucky punch and just snuck one in.

It just really stung me really good. And I kind of stepped back cuz it surprised me. And the alcohol said, "Oh, that was just a lucky punch." He said, "It's nothing." He said, "You can you can whip me." And I could feel that building up inside cuz I knew that I could and I knew it was a lucky punch.

So, as we got out there a couple more rounds and pretty soon you started to see it was getting boring. People started leaving because uh it wasn't a good thing to watch. And as the rounds continued, alcohol would start to sneak in more lucky punches.

And each time it hit that lucky punch, it'd say, "Oh, is this a lucky punch? You can whip me." And I said, "I know I can. I know I can.

I can do that." Cuz I felt strong inside. So finally uh it got to the point where alcohol was punching a lot more and most of the people all left but I looked and there my family was sitting there about the only ones left and I was really focused on that alcohol and the alcohol was smiling at me and it was giving me that message and was you can whip me man I knew I could because I was strong. Finally got a couple more rounds out there and the alcohol had put me on my knees.

I got down there on my knees and it wasn't playing the rules anymore. I start kicking, stomping, doing all this stuff. They ring the bell.

I get back to the corner and kept telling me, "You can whip me." Finally, one of my sons come up and they said, "Dad," they said, "Let's go. We got to get out of here. You're not winning this thing." And I said, "Just one more round, man.

Just one more round. You just watch." And I went back in there. And I give that alcohol my best shot.

And this time, it put me right on my stomach. And it wasn't playing the rules there either. It's kicking, stomping.

Finally, I looked over and my daughter come up and she said, "Dad," she says, "swing now because we can't take this. You come with us." And I looked at her and I said, "No, just one more round. I know I can do it." And so they laughed and I went out there one more round.

And this time I was on my hands and knees. So my stomach crawling. All I could see was the alcohol's tender shoes.

And all of a sudden I had that realization. I said, "I know the alcohol is lying. I can't whip them." And so I crawled out that arena and I left.

And it was very painful crawling out of there. and all those thoughts and all those things that you have cuz you know that everything is gone. And I got out there and I started to get well.

After maybe a month or so, I started thinking about the alcohol and I said, "You know something? I think I know another way." So, I thought about that for a while and I went back into that arena and I walked in there, swung those doors open. I told Alco, "I'm back." And he said, "I know you will be." And I said, "I come here to whoop your ass.

and he said, "I know you can do it and you come right up here." And I went up there and I got up there and this time it wasn't like rounds. The alcohol did the dirty punching right away. I immediately was down looking at his tenner shoes again.

And uh it didn't take very long. I knew that I was uh no match. I knew he lied to me.

And so once again, I crawl out of there. I got on my hands and knees. I crawl out there.

It really hurt. And I got out there and I started thinking about a month. I said, "No something.

I think I know another way. I think I know old Indian trick I use on them." So I went back into that arena, swung those doors open. I said, "Alco said, "Uh-huh." I said, "I'm back." The alcohol said, "I knew you would be.

I've been waiting for you." And so I went in there and didn't even let me get in the ring this time because they didn't play fair. And it was August 9th, 1978. I crawl out of there and I didn't crawl back in.

I have to go back in there no more. But I took what it took. And when I left that arena, it was when I come into AA seriously.

I wasn't aa before. In and out, slipping, doing those things. But when I came back that last time, I'm telling you, I was ready.

I didn't uh I have uh any resistance cuz the alcohol is the reason I came back in. I knew there was no other place to go. There was nothing to do and it was an alcohol.

It was an AA that I had to come to. and I come into IA and I started to do things that I wouldn't do before. One of which was uh get a sponsor.

And so uh I watched been watching this guy for a long time. I didn't like him, but there was something about him I did like. And it took a lot of days to go up and to ask this man if he would help me in this work.

And so, uh, he said, "Well, sit down." So, I sit down and at the table and it was in York Street in Denver. And, uh, he said, and he looked at me, you know, for a long time. And he kind of shook his head and he said, "No, I've been watching you for a long time, in and out, in and out." And he said, "I've been in this program a lot of years." He says, "I watch you Indian guys come in here, hang out, leave, hang out, leave." He said, "You guys just don't make it.

Something's going on here." He said, "You guys don't make it." And he kept uh talking like that. And I hated that how he was uh talking down to me like that. You Indian guys, you ain't going to make it.

And I remember uh he just, you know, how you got a little puppy and then you rub that puppy's face and it gets mad and you know, you rub it gets mad. That's how I felt like a little puppy. It's just like she was just rubbing like that and rubbing like that.

And I remember I sat there, he kept rubbing my face and telling me like that. And I remember I sat there and I was thinking to myself, I kind of leaned forward and I looked at him. I thought, I'll show you, you white son of a I said, I'll get sober.

Let's just see if you'll, you know, whatever. But I think that's where I was at that time. And I think in his own way, he kind of realized maybe the only thing I had to work with was some anger.

I didn't have any kind of other feelings or stuff. I just had that. And so he went on and uh we had uh continued our talk and he showed me this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

He opened it up and showed me how much 164 pages was. He says, "This is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous." Now, if you are willing to do exactly what it says in these 164 pages, he said, "This program isn't about coming in and slipping, coming in and slipping. this program is about is never drinking again.

That you will die sober. You will never have to drink again. And I'd never heard it said that way.

I heard it say um whoever gets up the earliest um is the most sober. Um I heard it said many ways and that's uh you know keep coming back and all that stuff. But he made no bones about it.

What this program was about is staying sober providing I was willing to do some things. Then went on to say some other things. He said, "There is some things I'm not." He said, "I'm not your taxi cab.

I ain't your banker, you know. I ain't your motel. I ain't your daddy." You know, whatever.

But anyway, he told me these things that he wasn't. But he says, "I'll tell you some things that I will be." He said, "One of those things," he said, "I will be your friend." And he talked to me about the friendship. He has nothing to do with you, what your decisions are.

He says, "I will decide to be your friend whether you drink again or not." He said, "That's one thing you can count on. I will be your friend." He said, "The next thing you can count on is," he said, "I'll share some experiences with you." He says, "Because I know about how to stay sober." And he said, "You little brown some you don't know." He said, "I something I know that you don't know." And that's hope because I know something you don't. And he went on to say, he says, "And we work together because we both want to work together.

We don't have to work together. Anything that you don't like, you just quit working with me. Anything I don't like, I'll quit working with you." But he said, "We will work together because of we choose to do that." And so then he sent me off with this big book and he showed me these pages where there's 12 proposals are.

And he said, "I want you to go look at each of these 12 proposals." And you look at each one of them and you ask two questions. One question you ask is do I want to do this step? I was to read step one and say do I want to do this?

Then I was to ask the second question that step. Am I willing to go any length to do that step? And I had to go through all 12 of those proposals ask answering those two questions.

But I see I think what he was really doing, he set me up for later on. As I saw later on, it was a setup. Cuz I come back whining.

He'd say, "I thought you said you wanted to do this." Or I come back and I tell her, "You said you was willing to go to any length. Didn't you change your mind?" No, I didn't change my mind. You said you wanted to do it.

I wanted to. Then what the hell you calling me for? Go do it.

But you see But I got into that and I started to look into those proposals. You know, I looked at that big book and the first time I saw that big book, it was the most boring book I ever saw in my whole life. It was really a boring book and nor could I find any instructions in it.

I they were saying the instructions was in that book, but I could never find them. I didn't know what that meant. And so I got into that and um I started to understand about what it meant.

There's instructions in there and I was told how to I had to read this many many times. This first 43 pages has to do with step one. Then I was shown on page 52 there's 12 there's a paragraph.

It was called unmanageability paragraph. And I was to look at that paragraph. There's some statements in there.

We were having trouble with personal relationships. And I was to turn that into a question. And I was to look at my personal relationships and my unmanageability in regards to those.

and in emotional nature. And so I started to take a look at that and I never I I guess I had never thought about looking at it that way. It says we had to have a different point of view.

And I got through that step one and I started to see there's some major stuff happening in my life. It was wrong because by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, it was u it was gone. I had um three children.

Um I had to go through a divorce. I was thousands of dollars in debt. I was really messed up.

And um and to come into a program and start to hear about sobriety and and you know, and it wasn't like uh I didn't have the the the removal of that. There were times I wanted to drink during those first uh years of sobriety and it would just seem that I was hearing enough in meetings to keep it up. I remember this one time I left York Street and I was uh you know how you get that nervousness and you you start all that stuff and you know what you're going to do and I sat there in this meeting and uh I was I I it was the stupidest meeting I ever heard and uh no one is making sense.

I couldn't pray. I won't call Frank because you'd hear what you said you wanted to do it, you know, and all this other crap. So, I didn't want to talk to him.

Finally, I, you know, and I was so damn miserable. I just said, if this was so, I want nothing to do with this crap. I said, I'm going to just go drink.

So, I got my car and I was headed towards a purple turtle was a bar on. Some of you guys probably know what that is. But anyway, I was headed there and I remember I was uh going down 8th Street and uh Denver General was there and I had heard somewhere in a meeting somebody says something weird like when all else fails go work with another drunk and I don't even know if I know what that meant for sure but I turned into the Denver general and I went up there at a detox center then and I went in there and I recognized one of the people worked there was um I recognized her from the program.

Well, I didn't know even what to tell her. you know, I'm standing there just trying to figure out what to say. And but she had been around long enough.

She says, "Uh, I bet you need to talk to a drunk." And I said, "Yeah." So, she put me in this room with this, I think he was a Mexican guy. He couldn't speak English. I couldn't speak Mexican.

He was all bandaged up. So, I'm talking to him and his, you know, probably trying to tell me to get the hell out of there. I don't know exactly what he was saying, but the point of it is is I sat in there and I I looked at him and when I left, I didn't feel holy.

I only felt different, but different enough. I got my car. I didn't go there and I went back home.

And so whenever I found out whenever that would happen, if I could get to Denver General and this is about the first 6 months, I walk in there and she'd say room five. and I will go in there. And that really was true cuz I didn't even know it said that in the big book, but it did.

But when a thing sets in, I now understand what that is. And so that was really helpful, you know, for me to do that. And then I was taught taught how to look go to that chapter we agnostics for step two.

And I went into that and I found out how to look in those nine areas. um at looking at this that that possibility or that hope that step two gives and I was to look in those same nine areas personal relationships emotional nature which today I call creating a vision it's a a a picture of moving towards something and I like the way that word step is worded is that talks about uh you came to believe and what I understand very early about the step. It didn't mean you had to believe it.

You had to mean like, would you be willing to believe that this power exists? Would you be kind of willing to possibly believe that maybe this power would exist? Would you be doubtingly willing to kind of believe that maybe that this power does exist?

And I was taught any of those was enough. Well, every little bit you can hang on to. And I didn't have that much to hang on to.

And I come in and I took that step. And so then I was uh taught where to look for the instructions for step three. And I remember uh going through that step three, one thing that I really was grateful for, whoever it was that added those words, God is you understand him.

But because the time I come in, I didn't really I was raised in a from mission schools and a lot of different beliefs I had about God. But I remember this one particular time. I come from a family of seven.

I remember my brother was killed. This is when we were all still drinking and he was killed and I waited for them to cover his grave and I waited there and when they left I stood on his grave and I looked up and I told God to go himself. I saw I never asked you for nothing and I didn't I never prayed.

I never say anything because I felt that a God that did something like that wouldn't. And so I had some funny concepts. I had this blockage and some things about this.

But thanks to you and uh you know I when when I first came in the year that I was slipping what I call that power I heard you could call him a door knob and I could hear you know I I wasn't right in that spot to call him a door knob but I was in a spot where I made a decision initially to call this power Charlie. And the reason I call it Charlie was this guy I met in u college when I was there. I really liked him.

He really was respectful to me. And so I just kind of picked that name. And so uh when it came time to do this third step uh I went over to this sponsor's place and uh we got there and he talked to me about that third step.

all those things that to understand about self-will run right and running on self-propulsion and being the actor and we went through that almost line by line like it was an instruction and that there was a question in that part of the big book I was to answer that question and I remember uh when we got done with that then uh I didn't know about taking how you took a third step or nothing but we got down on our knees me and this man and we had that big book and I taught them. He would read that third-step prayer and then I would read that third-step step prayer. And I remember that's what we did.

We got on our knees and we read that third step prayer and there was something happened there. I did not sure I knew what it was, but I what I knew what it was was a cat. There was a cat there and cats and I always had an understanding.

I don't like them. They don't like me. You stay away.

I stay away from you. But that cat came to me and I could feel there was something that went on there that night. Then I said, when we got done, I said, "What next?" He reached down his chair and he pulled out a legal tablet, a ruler.

And when I by the time I was done there, I was starting to write inventory. And I wrote the inventory. And I was taught to write that in the column inventory.

And so I wrote my inventory. And um I did the resentment inventory, fear inventory, and sex inventory. And uh I also was told that you had to tell all.

You had to tell everything. And there was some there was quite a few things that I had done. I just assumed that I not tell them.

And I I put them under the category of the dark crannies. So I wrote the dark crannies on a separate sheet of paper. I didn't put them exactly in with the inventory.

And when it came that when I and I carried that in my pocket and uh when it came time to fifth step, I knew this I this day came that feeling start to sit in and I knew this was going to happen. I was either going to fifth step or drink and I didn't want to do that fifth step. So I called the sponsor.

He wasn't there. I couldn't get a hold him. I called another guy.

He wasn't couldn't get hold him. Called another guy. And I didn't know how to ask him.

I didn't know him really well. But uh finally uh I was kind of stumbling with my words and he said he said you need a fifth step. And I said, "Yeah." I said, "I really need to." So I went over to his place and uh I read that document and um I read the the res the um resentment inventory, fear inventory, and a sex inventory.

And he was very very helpful and uh helping me see some things that I didn't see. But when we got done and he said um he says well is do you have you have you told everything? Do you have it all?

And I remember uh sitting there and uh one part of me was saying tell him yeah and get out. And the other thing I had heard enough in the program that I knew you had to tell all, but I had things in there was legal issues, sexual issues, and I there were some things in there I didn't want anyone to know that I did those things. And while he's making the next pot of coffee, he was um he was telling me some things about his story.

And he got into some pretty juicy stuff, you know, about what he did. And I remember uh sitting there thinking you where I was at the time. I thought, you know, he told me some juicy stuff.

So I thought, okay, son of a I got it now cuz if you tell on me, I'll tell on you. And that's just kind of what I was thinking about. But I didn't know that we was in a whole different spaces.

He had freedom and I didn't. And he was doing it from freedom and I was doing it from fear. And so I went through and I read the rest of that uh to him.

And when I got done, I was told to go home and he says there's instructions in here on what you're to do when you get back home and then you review those five proposals to see have you missed anything. And so I got home and uh one of the instructions it says that you thank God from the bottom of your heart that you know him better. And I was taught that that's there's instructions are in a big book.

every sentence almost. It's like instruction, something that you do. So, I got home and I u I got on my knees and uh I was just talking at first I was I was just thinking about what the heck was going on in my life.

I couldn't believe I was doing this stuff. I couldn't even believe, you know, to me it really didn't seem like that stuff worked like it was working. And I remember I had this little inside bow to myself.

I said, you know something? This is what I'm going to do. I said, 'I'm not going to say this out loud, but I'm going to I'll go ahead and I'm going to work these proposals, but to the fifth step, but if I personally don't see something different that fifth step when I get done with it, I ain't doing the rest of that That's about halfway.

So, I thought I'm going to try that and if it ain't if I don't see something, you know, cuz I didn't want to go around people saying, "Oh, you know, you got to light in your eyes." And there wasn't I have no light in nothing. I was miserable, you know. It wasn't like that for me.

But I remember when I sat there in my apartment and I all of a sudden I started to have this feeling. There was something that was going on inside of me. And so I was sitting there and I was talking to Charlie about that and all of a sudden I found myself praying and I started to use the word God and I wasn't used Charlie anymore.

And I found that this was uh was happening almost like automatically. Then I looked at those promises in the fifth step and I started to sense that there was something I could feel that nearness of the creator just like it said. I could feel that and some of that stuff that I had that guilt and that shame and stuff I could tell it wasn't it was gone.

There was something happened inside a certain freedom you see that happened in that. Then out of that I got my list of character defects and then I was taught on how to become willing to have the creator remove those defects of character. And I remember um it didn't it was sort of like I had to tell us I had sometimes I have to hear stories.

I don't know maybe that's the way I was raised or something to understand something but he told me that step six and seven is so simple but so difficult to do. But I heard this guy tell a story one time. He said, he says, "Supposing that you have this uh stove and what you're going to do is uh bake this cake." So, you get this pan and you put all that flour and sugar and you stir it up.

Get the oven to 350. Now, what you want to do is bake that cake. He says, "You got to open up the door.

You got to take that cake and you got to stick in the oven. Then close the oven door and allow that stove to bake that cake." And he said, "Uh, you," he says, "That's like your defects of character." He says once you are willing to put them in the oven or give them to the creator then you let the creator it's his job to bake that cake. He says but you keep peeking in the oven.

Keep peeking the oven. It wasn't it's not there. It's God's will.

I must doing something wrong. He said put it in there and leave it alone. Don't be peeking at it.

And so then I started to see, you know, some of what they were saying, you know, don't peek in there. Don't be taking it over. Leave it in there.

And so, uh, I had a lot of shifting started to take take place. I could tell. Then I got into my amends and I had a lot of amends to make.

And uh, the first pass through and once in a while even yet today, I didn't do my amends right. I didn't listen a lot to amends on how to make them. I read the instructions, but I was in a hurry.

So, I made my amends in three columns. Light, light amends, medium amends, and hard amends. I put it in three columns.

So, I chose some light amends. And I went out there and did three of those. And it was really cool and it went really fine.

So, I said, "This is really cool. You just go there and you tell them this stuff, you know, and it went really good and they were hugging me and everything else and happy for me." So I went to the next column and I chose another amend. So I went out there and this amend um that I made.

Uh what I did is I had uh just written some things to make sure I said it. And so I went to this person and I read this document and I made the amends and they turned to me and they said, "Are you done?" And I said, "Well, yeah." And they said, "Well, you didn't cover half the that you did." And I said, "Well, look it, I'm in this program and I'm writing these amends and uh this is how I see the amends." And we got in a big fight. And so I had to go back and make amends, you know, for I'm making amends.

And uh those are tough ones to go back and uh you know, the second time. But uh one of the things that I was taught, it was very adamant about making these amends in person and making them very thoroughly. And uh eventually I was taught to write them out.

And I found out today I still need to write my amends out because if it gets something goes wrong, I can change my mind or lighten it up a little bit or at least something out. You know, this way I know if I write it, then I I know my intent when I go there to do that. And so I got um I got through those amends.

Uh one amend I kept in the envelope for almost I just made that amend. I didn't know where this person was. And by one of these accidents, I was up in Michigan here uh just about six months ago walking around a parking lot and this person's hollering at me.

And I didn't even know this person. We both got so darn old we didn't recognize hardly recognize one another, but they recognized me. And that was the last amend I made from that very first uh amends that uh I had carried up.

And uh that was really a very powerful amends. Then I got into steps 10 and 11, those maintenance steps. And it took a while um to find out the power about those steps.

And I was taught by this initial man that took me through the steps that what this step was is about power. Is about power, not and you can't mess with it. That you mess with it, you get hurt.

And I have messed with it. And I have gotten hurt by doing that. And so then I was taught also to go through those steps every year to go back through them again and go back through them again.

And one of the primary reasons I was told is that I was told that you ego the ego always works right on where you have your together, right? Where you think you're cute and you're sweet and you're hot and you're spiritual and you're and I invariably I find that this is true. Right where you think you're so cool, that's where it breaks.

And I find each time through that work, I don't believe like I have already done a set of going through a set of steps. I said I'm going to write how it's going to come out thinking and it didn't come out that way and it never does and is the magic there. So I started going through those steps and I remember when I was four years sober, I was going through this work and would have been a period of about 30 days or so.

I remember uh I went crazy. I just went like nuts. I couldn't pray.

I hated meetings. I didn't want to read a big book. Everything was stupid.

I was not getting along with people. Starting to get in trouble at work. People getting on my nerves.

I was judgmental. Wanted to run thinking about leaving. And so I went up uh to Denver, outside of Denver, and I talked to this Indian elder because by then I had learned uh this when I was about two years sober, I had met this Indian elder who also was in the program.

He was sober a long time and I was struggling and he said, you know, he said, you're going to have to go back home. He said, 'You going to have to go back and make the culture part of your what your recovery is. And so, uh, I went back home and, uh, I started doing some things around the spiritual way, the old way.

I remember I went back home, I I was really ashamed to go back there because I wasn't raised to do the things that I was doing that I had done. But I got back there and the elders was very happy to see me. And so I took them these 12 proposals one time.

Um, this was during the time uh I was uh working with Frank uh say that but he had me do this inventory about being Indian because he says that being Indian will get you drunk and I didn't know what the hell he meant, you know, but I found out what he meant when I went through that and that was one of the strongest inventory because I had all these beliefs about Indians and prejudice and white. I had all these darn beliefs about that and they weren't bothering me. But he saw that if I kept that up that eventually that would be in trouble.

So I went back and I took these proposals to the elders and I said this is I was said you know this is a a program of recovery that I'm in and I said I'm trying to blend this get things together. How do what do I do? So they said I want to ask you about these proposals.

So they went and they asked me about everything and I explained each one of them as I could and what they said they said that's not a separate way. That's the same way that we do it. That's just in our culture.

They said the only thing that we would do different they said put them in a circle cuz we always think everything's in a circle. So they said you put steps one through three in the east like the sun and that's a direction about finding God or the creator or the higher power. Put steps four, five, six in the south and that's that direction about finding yourself.

The inventory steps. Put 7, eight, nine in the west. That's a sunset direction.

The forgiveness of letting go. That's a direction about finding your relatives. Establishing your relationships with others in 10 11 12 in the north.

They said in that north that's the direction of the elders. Then that wisdom it can come for you. And so I started to work the steps that way.

Then they started to show me that every step had a ceremony that and I didn't know how the old people did reflection. They always did reflective thinking. This wasn't new, but they just did it another way.

And he said that before you go to step do through a set of steps, they said go out there, take your drum, sing four songs, and then you wash yourself and the earth, the dirt of the earth. You know how animals clean themselves like chickens and birds. They says that's what you do first.

go out there and you clean yourself up to come come to the creator and say to the creator I want to make this journey through these 12 steps again I'm preparing myself to be by you then I was taught in the third step you take that third step with the chinupa which is called the pipe that you smoke that pipe and you load it and you look at the unmanageability and the elders they said if you want to look at your unmanageability and you want to look at yourself they said go to the water and separate the leaves and the pond and look in there. Look at yourself. You look in there to see what what that reflection.

And that's how they were taught to do it. They said, "Go look in the water. Look at your own self." And so I learned to take that third step with a chinupa.

And I learned to fifth step in the sweat lodge. And I learned to do step six and seven with a staking ceremony. And that each one of those it was the same thing.

It wasn't different. And when I got that four years sober, I thought I was crazy. It happened so quickly.

And I went to see this elder and I was uh when I go to see him sometimes he whittleles on a piece of wood cuz my mind's so screwed up. I go and he just whittleles. And uh I was telling him, you know, I said um I got in and everything's all messed up and nobody's and she left me in my job and I'm in trouble.

My rest car won't run. I'm running out of gas. I'm in trouble.

I work on I'm a final performance appraisal warnings. I ain't got no And I went on and on and on. He's just whittling.

So finally he said to me, he says, "How long you sober exactly?" So I told him, "Exactly." Says, "Four years." He says, "Ah." He says, "You're right where you're supposed to be." And you know, you hate to hear that when you're right up into you hear God doesn't give you more than you can handle. You know, I don't want to hear that. You don't want to hear right where you're supposed to be.

And so he said, "Let me tell you about something." And he took a stick and he drew a circle in the earth in the in the dirt. And he said, "Everything in the earth goes by cycles. The sun, moon, earth, it all spins around.

Takes one year to go around the sun. Takes one day to spin in the circle. The moon 28 days.

Everything goes in a circle or cycle. Every animal, every plant, tree, bud, one season, matures, harvest, no leaves. Everything works that way.

And he said uh we human beings are so arrogant that we think we're the exception to everything that we don't participate in all these laws that the creator had. Every part of the earth runs under these laws and he said you too and me and he said that the human being what we do when we grow we grow in a four-year cycle. He said that's the way it is.

You grow in a four-year cycle. And he said that when you first come into aa a life force like the sap in oak tree it comes inside of you. It's called grace and that you remember I I I I and I I like that when they say about grace because I was told very early about grace in terms how I could understand it.

They said that to qualify for this grace you have to qualify for it. There's certain conditions you got to meet. And the way that I understand how this grace works, it's like uh cheating.

No good. adultering, son of a drinking, and that there's a big list of these qualifications. If you have three or more, you qualify for the grace.

Then it's just given to you. And then how that works when you qualify, the creator has a cupboard that has these little grace clouds in it, and he sees you over there qualifying, and he reaches in, he grabs one of these clouds, and he sails it through the air. And when it sails through the air, he times it so it stops over you.

And that's that life force that you come in there and you don't know what the hell's going on and you lie and you cheat. You don't straighten up your act, but that life force helps you get through that point. It gets you in that place.

And he said that that's what happens. Then he said, "Your first year in the program, you're going to be like a tree that buds. At first, you don't see nothing.

Just like a oak tree be standing out there. don't know what the hell is going on, but that life force is getting you ready. Then pretty soon, you start to see those little buds coming on your branches.

You start to see yourself different. You start to get responsible a little bit. You start to find yourself doing some things, showing up on time.

Then a second year of sobriety said what you see is a maturing takes place. You know how a bud would unfold. Then pretty soon you certain stability comes in the second year.

Then just like a oak tree that those leaves unfold, it takes a certain shape. Then the oak tree thinks it's not going to get any better than this and it comes into the season of the fall, the third year. Then it comes into the fall, all a sudden you, that oak tree goes from green to yellow, harvest fruits and nuts, and it's like you're in a groove.

It's like you can do no wrong. Watch that. Boy, this works.

Not that you don't get flat tires, you do, but right in front of the gas station, right? And you got a lot of faith because God is just doing everything that you want. It's just it's so cool that third year of sobriety.

That's where I was. But then what happens is oak tree standing out there. This comes into the fourth year, the fourth cycle.

And the temperature changes a little bit. Gust the wind comes along, blows a few of the leaves away. First that oak tree is saying, "Ah, no deal.

No big deal. Lose a few. Got a lot of them." Week or so later, temperature changes a little bit.

About fourth of the leaves go away. That oak tree is still trying to be positive. So, well, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh.

I can still handle it. You know, I got a lot of leaves left. Couple days later, temperature changes, gust of wind comes by, and about 78 of the leaves go away.

Another tree standing out there, and it's thinking, well, you know, I'll do I'll do my 11th step better, and I'll do my 10step. And I'm not being prompt, and uh maybe a little mini 10step inventory would be in order here, but it's going to work. But inside that oak tree is thinking cuz you know that shit's going away and it's almost like your rug of life.

You know you get a rug of life. You get your career and job and relationships. It's like it's all tuning.

It's like some unseen force just comes along grabs the edge of rug your rug of your life and goes and it upsets everything. And that's the way he said it is that the oak tree has to lose those leaves in order for it to grow into its next thing. And what are those leaves to us?

That's what I believe. That's what what I think about myself. What I think I can do.

See, if that oak tree once it gets its leaves, it will only hang on to all that. And you just stay the same. So that the creator has a way of taking the spirit out of your beliefs.

It's like you end up in a new orbit. And when you make that transition into that fourth year, that fourth season, the reason that it seems to fall apart, you're just trying that old from the orbit you was in before and it don't work. So you're up in a strange area.

And so he said, "This is what you do. You work that first three set of steps. You work most of us work the set of steps to get something." He said, "That fourth year, you got to work that set of steps to give it up." He says, "You make a altar and you put everything on that altar.

You put your steps. You put the big book, you put aa, you put your sponsor, you put your relationship, everything goes on there because you get little pocket gods and you don't know it happens so subtly. Get in trouble.

Well, I run to my sponsor. My sponsor save my ass. No, he won't.

That sponsor gets you drunk, right? Oh, the speaker will say my uhuh that's not true. Or the big book or the steps it will.

There's only one thing saves our ass and that's God. Trust in God is what saves our ass. And he said that fourth year, that's how you work that set of steps.

You work it to give up everything that you work for so that you can start over. Come into that new time. And I found this is true in my sobriety.

What the old man told me. I got in little trouble at 7 to 8. Got in trouble 11 to 12.

Got reckless. Did dumb things. And I found that cycles, the circles of sobriety that really works.

A lot of people don't know about winter. They go drink. They don't know how it come.

They struggle through a whole winter and they'll pop right into five. They can't figure out what happened. I got a really I for myself I I was I was taught about these cycles.

Now those cycles they just don't go four years. You know, say you I have a circle here is four years. Then that second set actually goes to a south part of the cycle, then to west part of the cycle, to the north part of the cycle.

That's 16ear cycle. People do dumb things. 16 years, right?

There's something happens that doesn't happen those other winter seasons. You feel real loss. It's a dangerous time.

You have to really be careful about that cycle because you're circling from these 16 to another set of 16. that trip is different than the other ones. It's different.

And so that I found us that what we can do is it wasn't being different. The cultures are not different. AA is not different.

It's very powerful. AA is the steps to me. I would now call them sacred.

They would come under that category of sacred because of what they what they can do. I'm going through a set right now. I'm going through this one different.

Sometime ago I learned the power of step two. How that sets the intent for step 10. That when you look at that this time I set my intent in step two to have freedom.

I want to know about freedom. And uh if I had it to do over again I I don't think I would have started because what surfaces is all the place that's blocked. I hate that.

You know it just tears you up. But it's been a good journey. So I would just like uh to tell you how it is today quickly.

When I first came into the program, I had three children and um I couldn't see them. When I would go there, they would walk out the back door. They would leave.

>> At three years sobriety was the first time I got I went took them in a car, went Christmas shopping with them. We got done. We walked up to the steps and um there was a funny silence took place on those steps.

My oldest son, he turned around, he looked at me and he says, "Dad," and I said, "What?" He said, "I love you." And he's bigger than I am. And he put his big arms around me. And I couldn't take it.

My second son did the same thing. My daughter saw her. She come up.

I turned around. I went to Colorado Springs. It's where I live in.

I cried the whole way. Then I got married. I adopted a girl.

Then we had two children, Morning Star and Katy. Morning Star is 16. Now Katari's 14.

And um That relationship also ended. It didn't end in disaster like the first one was pretty rugged. But it ended differently.

But it didn't work out either. I quit a company that I work for and I started a foundation called White Bison. What bison does today is we work in the development of Native American communities in community development.

And uh this one particular tribe that we started working with um we worked with them at a tribal level, they were 85% alcohol alcohol serious alcohol problems above the age of 12 in this tribe 2000. In three years they went from 85% drinking. Today the tribe is over 65% sober at a tribal level.

The this is how it works is we go to the community and we ask them if they want to get well and if they're willing to go to any length. Then we have these series of workshops where we have them look at what they're powerless over and where their unmanageability is at a community level. And when they get that done, we do a community step two and we have them create a vision of what would it be like if we were well.

And then we hold a big ceremony and we bring the spiritual people together in the pipes and all that and we turn the community will over to the care of the creator. A community has a will just like an individual has a will. And before they threw, we do inventory and resentment, fear, and sex.

And we come out with a list of community defects to character, jealousy, backstabbing. And then we go into a process of making amends. Does this sound familiar?

And it works because it is a spiritual process given to us by the creator. And we're in we're in another community doing the same. This process that the creator gave us these steps of AA is very sacred.

They can I never ever thought that I would be doing what I was doing today. I would be where I am today and it hasn't been perfect by any means. I have uh got things I've lost everything a couple times in aa actually next Friday I might happen again.

I'm in a court system with some things going on there. And the only thing that I knew to do after I got through with this I'll say this lawyer stuff I uh hopped in the steps and I said I'll bet that if I go through I can maintain sanity and I have the tools are there to to do that. I don't have that fear.

It's almost like I have a I know I'm headed to hell and I have a freedom going right into it. not 100%, you know, but it's it's right there. I should be panicking, but I'm not.

And that's nice that I I don't have to do that. And so, uh, I have good relationships with, uh, my children. It's that one daughter.

We're we're we have to work on some stuff there, you know, we're doing that. Um, I currently am in probably the most healthy relationship um that I've ever been in. Healthy relationship means you work through conflicts positively.

No, you don't do that. Um, and that's been going on for coming up on a year and it's really good. She's sitting right there.

Her name is Gail. Gail, stand up. I will catch for having her do that because the instructions were to not but uh I didn't.

So I guess I would just say this uh the journey has been good. Last year I was doing some review and I listed I made a list. Part of what I was doing is I listed influential people in my life and then I put them in a priority.

The most influential person in my life was my grandpa cuz uh he raised me. So I learned to say grandpa says and there are two people in here was a has come out on my list more so than my brothers or people in my tribe or however that were influential in my life. Sir Frank and Don B.

They were really influential, like really influential in my life. Giving me those. They were not easy.

I'm telling you, they weren't easy, you know, uh, by all my life. They taught me about how to find God, about how this program worked, and they took all the fancy stuff out of it, basic, basic, basic, and repeat it and do it again. And don't get fancy.

And I get fancy, I get called on it. And uh that's the way that I was taught and I I really love them both for that and many of the others too. I guess if I would close with this, if I say the worst thing that happened, if I had to pick one, you know how you got your stuff when you're drinking.

But if I had to pick one thing that was the worst thing of it all, it was that loneliness, that hole. And man, you couldn't get rid of it. No matter what you did, it would not go away.

It didn't matter. It didn't matter going to bed with somebody or in a dance hall. You couldn't make that hole go away.

That was the worst thing. Drove me crazy. That hole in the I taught what that hole was filled with was my relationship with the creator.

If I pick the best thing that I have out of this program, I would say it's my relationship with Tonkasha, the great spirit or God, whatever. That's the best thing I have. I have a relationship, practical common sense.

It's not scary. I have a fear of doing the will of God. You know, I know I'm still under that cloud.

That cloud doesn't go away after you get little knowledge. It doesn't go. It stays right with you.

That cloud is still there. And I know it's there because I watch when I off track. I do things dumb or stupid.

I watch that cloud come and help help me see the lessons and help me, you know, do the learnings. It's still there. So, um, that hasn't been the best thing is my relationship with the creator because it's so dependable.

It's not like 5050. No, that 12 step it says like haven't had a spiritual awaken as a result of these steps. I mean those are it doesn't say maybe or kind of or possibly.

I mean it states it says it haven't had that's the way it is but that thing you know as I was taught you have to do the work. Um and this is good. So that's the way I was taught.

So who knows how it goes in the future. I look forward to life. Uh I have a lot of fun.

I laugh a lot. I I can cry. I can cry in front of people.

Oh, and I do. And I It's so healthy to cry. I recovered from my from my sexual abuse.

You know, that was a tough one to work through the steps. Being sexually abused by an uncle, it's tough work. But I remember the day that it popped out of the steps.

Just that work in itself. It was like somebody took a sun and turned it on for the first time in my life when I broke free of that sexual abuse. It's powerful.

But you know that when I come out of that, there were some other things. I had feelings that I didn't know about feelings. Well, I feel good.

Well, how you I feel fine. I'm not talking about ash. I'm talking about feelings.

And you know why I got out of that sexual abuse that time? I had feelings I didn't know what they were. I didn't know the name.

I didn't know what what it felt like. And I go to my sister cuz I was close to her then. And I go to her because these things they just started to come out.

And I would describe this thing to her and she say what that means, what that feeling is. It means you care. And I didn't know what that meant to care.

I knew what it meant to help, but I didn't know what that meant to care. And all those things, you know, I I I they they came out. Then I finally had to work them in balance because feelings can get you in trouble.

You know, you know me. Um they can because it's like the big book. It says when irritated or doubtful, you don't ask God to direct your feelings.

He says you direct your thinking. Then I had to learn that relationship between feelings and thinks and how does all that interconnect with each other? I didn't know that.

And so it's it's just really good. It's good to be alive. It's good to be here.

Um it's good to be with you. So uh with that, I'll just close with this prayer. It's just a very short prayer and it says um God thank you for what you've given me.

And God, thank you for what you've taken from me. And God, thank you for what you've left me. And what I have left with is um this program, Alcoholics Anonymous, and you people See, I will say this is like when I eventually at my own tribe, I got kicked out.

I couldn't go there. You can't kick me out for one thing, but you never did either by your own rules, right? And you didn't.

And when you say keep coming back, you meant it. You weren't kidding. You said get out of here cuz I was the meeting is drunk.

But they say come back and I did. So it's like you are my tribe. If I had to depend on one, if I had to pick one, I pick you.

You know, I know that sometimes when I was sick and some things, I would say I would rather have like the Alanons and the AAS pray because you know how to pray. You know how to do that. And I would say that many of us you know here here we get here because of our alenons.

We can never not respect those alenons and what they do. We must always respect with them and look at them as sacred. We sometimes have jokes going back and forth.

But we've got to really be careful to keep that joke in a good spirit because Elanons is very powerful. And I I honor you Alanons, you know, that are here. So, um, thank you all very much.

And, um, have a good dance and a good journey tonight. And I'll put my eagle feather away and then I'll have to see what Frank's going to say. Well, you did this, you did that, and go back through the steps and all that.

So, thank you all very much. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.