The Sacred Steps in a Circle: AA Speaker – Don C. – Laughlin, NV
Don C. from the Moheakin Nation shares how he integrated AA’s 12 steps with Native American culture and ceremony, creating a healing movement for indigenous communities in recovery.
Don C., a member of the Moheakin Nation, came into AA after years of struggle, prejudice, and a boxing-match battle with alcohol that cost him his family and everything he owned. In this AA speaker tape, he describes not just his journey through the 12 steps with a firm sponsor named Frank, but how he later brought those sacred steps back to his culture—forming circles of recovery that blend AA principles with Native American ceremony, tradition, and the medicine wheel.
Don C. shares his 40+ years of sobriety beginning in 1978, detailing how his sponsor Frank walked him through the 12 steps with rigorous Big Book study and how each step is interconnected. As an AA speaker and cultural bridge-builder, Don later worked with tribal elders to integrate the 12 steps into a medicine wheel format, adding ceremony (sweat lodges, pipe work, tobacco ties) that honors indigenous healing traditions without changing the core principles of recovery. He founded the White Bison movement and has since coordinated multiple sacred hoop runs across America to bring recovery circles and healing to Native communities.
Episode Summary
Don C. opens his talk with a teaching about the Moheakin and Coyote clans, and a word from his native language—natashniha—that describes the feeling of spiritual connection when one person truly sees another. This concept frames the entire talk: recovery is about connection, not isolation, and the 12 steps are fundamentally about reconnecting with ourselves, each other, and the creator.
He begins his story with a striking image: his first AA meeting, where he showed up prejudiced, skeptical, and determined to judge everyone in the room. He didn’t hear the words that night—he only felt something. Despite years of relapse and continued drinking, that feeling never left him.
Don then tells the story of the boxing match with alcohol—a parable he heard in the rooms that became foundational to his understanding of surrender. In the story, he’s fighting alcohol in an arena while his family watches from the front row. Round after round, he tells himself it was just a lucky punch, that he can whip alcohol if he wants to. But alcohol keeps hitting harder. His young son and daughter beg him to leave. He refuses—”just one more round.” Eventually, beaten down on his hands and knees, he finally admits the truth: alcohol isn’t lucky. Alcohol is lying. On August 10th, 1978, he crawled out of that arena and never went back.
When Don returned to AA for the last time, he had nothing left—no family, no job, no money, no resistance. His sponsor was an old attorney named Frank, a man with 17 years sober who didn’t coddle him. Frank was sarcastic, challenging, and unapologetic. He told Don outright: “I’ve watched you Indians come in here. Most of you don’t get it. I don’t think you got what it takes.” But Frank also made a vow of friendship for life, offered guidance through the Big Book, and gave Don hope by example.
Frank’s approach was methodical and textual. He had Don answer two foundational questions for each of the 12 steps: *Are you willing to go to any length?* and *Do you want to do this?* Frank insisted that commitment matters because when the steps get hard—and they will—only that prior commitment will carry someone through.
The talk walks through Don’s step work in detail. For Step One, Frank showed him the first 43 pages of the Big Book were instruction, and the “manageability paragraph” on page 52 with nine areas of unmanageability. Don had to list his relationships and honestly examine his behavior—was he stuffing emotions, getting angry, running, gossiping? For the first time, he could see his part.
Step Two became a vision of sanity in all nine areas. Frank told him: “That vision you write in Step Two will be your spiritual awakening in Step 12.” Step Three came with the famous “four frogs on a log” story—when you turn your life over to God, you become an “orange frog,” and you stay an orange frog whether you’re sober, angry, or temporarily drunk. That metaphor unlocked something in Don.
Steps Four and Five involved an inventory in multiple columns so Don could see patterns. When his sexual abuse surfaced during inventory—something he’d buried since age 9—Don had a crisis. He pounded on his sponsor’s glass door, drove over in a panic. Frank let him stay, let him write inventory in the basement. When it came time to admit these secrets aloud in the Fifth Step, Don almost couldn’t. He trusted a man in his home group more than he could say the words. That man guessed what Don needed, invited him over, made coffee, and sat with Don through all of it—the sick stuff, the money, the shame. When Don finished, the man said, “God loves you. God’s crazy about you. Just do one more.” He showed Don the promises, sent him home to review his work, and waited by the phone.
For Steps Six and Seven, Don heard another story—the cake in the oven. You make the cake, put it in, then stop opening the door to check if it’s done. You let the creator bake you. Once you say you’re willing, your job is over. Stop peeking. Conflict precedes clarity.
Steps Eight and Nine were about making amends in person, in writing, in easy-medium-hard order. Don learned humility when a woman rejected his amend, told him what he really owed her, and he had to go back and make amends for the bad amend itself.
Around four years sober, Don hit a spiritual wall. Everything he’d relied on—meetings, the Big Book, his sponsor, prayer—suddenly felt useless and irritating. He felt crazy. A friend in the program, an old-timer, told him: “You’re right on schedule.” He explained the cycle of life—salmon, birds, trees all go through seasons. Human beings in recovery cycle every four years. The first year is the sap rising, the budding. Second year, leaves unfold, settling in. Third year, harvest—you can’t do wrong. Fourth year, the tree loses all its leaves. Everything falls away because the creator strips away the beliefs you built recovery on, and you realize you’ve created “pocket gods”—trusting the Big Book, your sponsor, meetings more than you’re trusting God alone.
This concept changed Don’s recovery practice. Now, every four years, he puts everything on the altar. The Big Book, the steps, his sponsor, his relationships—all of it. He holds only to trust in God. And when he does, suddenly the Big Book becomes new again, the meetings get smart, his sponsor is cool again.
By seven or eight years sober, Don felt called back to his culture. He brought the 12 steps to a circle of tribal elders and asked: *How do these AA steps fit with our sweat lodges, ceremonies, and spiritual traditions?* The elders listened, closed their circle, and told him: “That’s not a white man’s program. That’s exactly our program. It’s the natural order.” They recommended putting the steps in a circle—everything is a circle in their tradition.
Steps 1-3 go in the East (new day, new beginning, finding the creator). Steps 4-5-6 go in the South (finding yourself, knowing your strengths and weaknesses). Steps 7-8-9 go in the West (making amends to relatives—not just humans, but animals, earth, all sacred things). Steps 10-11-12 go in the North (elders’ wisdom, living through spiritual understanding).
This framework became the foundation for the White Bison movement and the Medicine Wheel 12 Steps. When a white buffalo calf was born in Wisconsin (a prophecy fulfilled), the elders had a vision of a sacred hoop with 100 eagle feathers. Don took that vision and built it. They gathered spiritual elders from four directions—African elders, Tibetan elders, indigenous elders from 27 nations—and infused the hoop with four powers: forgiveness of the unforgivable, unity, healing, and hope.
The movement recruited 172 “fire starters”—people in recovery willing to lead circles using the medicine wheel and 12 steps, adding ceremony to each step. The Fifth Step happens in a sweat lodge. Steps Six and Seven use tobacco ties—for each character defect, you tie tobacco, then sit in the sweat lodge while singers sing sacred songs, and you place each tie on the hot rocks, asking the creator to take your anger, your selfishness, your judgment, and the defect burns away.
Don describes organizing hoop runs—a group of 25 people running thousands of miles across America carrying the sacred hoop, recruiting fire starters, spreading the message of recovery and healing to Native communities. The third run, in June and July, will focus on healing women and children and bringing Alanon into indigenous communities.
Throughout, Don emphasizes that this isn’t creating a separate path. It’s the same program, the same steps, the same principles—but delivered in a way that honors indigenous culture and healing traditions. As he says, “It’s not different. It’s the same way that we heal for thousands of years. It’s not different.”
He closes with gratitude for what AA offered him when his own tribe rejected him: “Keep coming back.” Those words, and the promise that “God is of your understanding,” kept him alive. Now he spends his sobriety serving others, asking the creator each morning what he should do, and honoring the sacred steps that saved his life and gave him a purpose beyond staying sober—healing his people.
Notable Quotes
When you make that decision to turn your life over to the care of God, it makes you an orange frog, and it’s an orange frog forever.
You’re just a pissed-off orange frog. That’s all.
Not everybody in the program works those 12 steps. Half of them don’t work no 12 steps. They just stay sober, go to the meetings, and just stay so sober.
When that struggle starts, it means it’s working because conflict precedes clarity.
Every four years the creator takes your beliefs that you use to build and he takes the meaning of them away, and what happens—you appear lost.
If I would ever have to make a choice between my own tribe and you, I would choose you. Because you said keep coming back. And you meant it. You weren’t kidding. You really meant it.
The 12 steps are perfectly in natural order the way that it is designed. The only thing that we would recommend is to put them in a circle, because everything is in a circle.
Step 5 – Admission
Sponsorship
Big Book Study
Spiritual Awakening
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 5 – Admission
- Sponsorship
- Big Book Study
- Spiritual Awakening
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Well, good morning everyone. >> Morning.
>> Uh my name is Don Koas and I am an alcoholic >> and I am a member of the Moheakin Nation. I was born into the turtle clan on my mother's side. I was born for the coyote clan on my father's side and my Indian name is Tantanka Wambli that were given to me um in 1994.
Um, and I'd like to say I'm just really honored to uh to be here and I thank the committee and it's really good to be on the sacred land of the Mojave Nation and the Pyute um people and um in our way we always acknowledge the sacredness of the of the land of the you know of the people and um and thank them for allowing me to come here. Also um our elders um which we in our culture we have a great respect for. Um they always tell us that before anything starts that we always take the time to connect with each other.
That's how we're taught. The first thing you do is you take the time to connect. And uh what what I mean by connecting is um is this if I were to switch and to start speaking in my own native language, what I was going to say next would be a lot easier.
uh because there's certain things we can say in our language that you is difficult in uh saying in English because our language when it was formed they was formed by watching nature and so it's a language of relationships how everything connects to each other that everything is of equal worth and it's also a feeling language so when we talk about interconnectedness the word that we would use is called natashniha And you can recognize it. I think this is why in our in our sacred steps of aa it says we we do everything. No one does it alone but it's we and uh natashniha what that feeling is it's like it's like when you look someone in the eye then there's a second later there's a feeling goes across when that spirit connects.
That's natashniha. Then it says we're ready. I don't know if you've ever been married to somebody or work for somebody, but they're looking right at you with their little corporate eye and as you're speaking to them, you can tell that connectedness isn't there.
You know how you can tell that? Then you say, "You're not listening to me." Oh, yes, I am. What would I say?
Then they can't remember what you said. So the elders, they tell us before you start to take that time to interconnect everything. And so uh with your permission um I will do that.
And how that's done is uh is uh like a opening they call it. And the first thing that we do is we uh put down these four colors cloth red, yellow, black and white. And what those represents the four directions, east, south, west, and north.
That's the complete cycle from sunrise to sunset all the seasons. But it also represents the people in the way that the elders told to us. They said when creation was made, the creator only made one race and that's the human.
>> That's just one. And they represent just like you have flowers, different color flowers. You have birds, different color birds, trees, different color trees.
And what they said is uh what this is that you are looking at in each human being when we are born, we are born with the earth suit. This is just the suit by which I walk around the earth on. And each human being is given that suit.
And we know that that alcohol it it's not a EEO disease. It's not prejudice. It'll take who it can get.
It doesn't matter what your earth suit is. It comes after us. And so we put that here for us to remember when we look around this rooms, we see all different kind of earth suits.
But we are just a group of human beings trying to help one another stay sober and grow and and come back to that, you know, to that good way. And so we put those cloths down there. Then it helps us to have the nasha, the connectedness.
And then what I'll do is uh I'll light some sage. It's a plant. We believe that every plant has a medicine, has a purpose.
Um, sometimes we as human beings, you know, we sometimes discredit how the creator made things. We see certain plants, we don't like them. We say, "Oh, those darn weeds, like they don't belong here." Or we see certain animals, those pests.
Um, but they have a reason for being here. And that's what we learn in here is to respect all things. Everything has a right to be here.
And so our sage, what we do is we light that in. And it's how the medicine gets out of the plant is when you you light it then the medicine that comes out. And what medicine is for purification.
It's like removing negative. It helps that connectedness to take place really strong. It's a medicine that that uh we use.
And so I'll light some of this sage. And then what I will use to spread it around is uh this fan. It's uh from a eagle's wing.
And um this was given to us shortly after the white buffalo cap was born in Jainsville, Wisconsin a few years ago. And the elders, they said that you share this fan. It was made when all the earth suits come together, the red, the yellow, the black, and the white.
When the human being comes and sets down, they said then you bring out the fan because it's the people's fan. And so what uh I'll do uh is to light a little bit of this sage. then it turns into smoke and that's how the medicine comes out and then the medicine it traps on the bottom of the wing.
So as it comes in the smoke it traps on there and then you have the ability then to throw it. So it goes a great distance and what it does is it helps with the interconnectedness of uh of all things. And I'll thank you for allowing me um because it is a part of my recovery um was for me to come back to the culture.
And uh I'm going to leave this fan out here. Um, in our culture where we're taught that when you hold the eagle feather or you um are in the presence of a eagle feather, they say you can't lie. So, I'm going to leave it there cuz I am alcoholic.
See? So, I'll just leave it there. And then the other thing uh is um I'm going to offer Mr.
ed this tobacco. Um, in our culture when you are in a when you have elders there, what you need to do is ask them permission to speak. And so I I offer this um tobacco and ask for permission u you know to speak.
But that's the way we're taught to do it uh you know at home. And so um I I'll do that. And uh you taught me that whenever I do this, I'm just to share my experience, strength, and hope.
And if I stick to that, I don't need to be afraid that uh if I do that, um then that's how I get through this. Um and so I I will do that. I'll I'll share my experience, strength, and hope, and I'll share what you taught me.
seems like most anything that I know that has of any value I got from you. Um, anything that works I've got from you. But maybe to uh talk what happened was uh I can maybe do that best by sharing a story.
And it's a story I heard in these rooms because when I came into uh AA the first meeting I I found out where it was and um boy I didn't want to go in there and so I I located the building where it was and I it was at night Monday night I drove down there about the time the meeting started and um there was a slot for a car right in front of that meeting. All the other ones are they were full up. And so I said, I'm going to drive around the block one time.
I said, "If that slot is open, then I'll go to that AA meeting." So I drove around there and there were people coming and going. Sure enough, that darn slot was still there. So slowed really down.
So I said, you know, I'm going to go around one more time around that me and if that and I drove really slow as my red's car would go, you know, really slow. I drove around there and darn if that place wasn't still there. And so, uh, I said, "Okay, one more.
Just one more." So, I went around and sure enough, it was. So, I went in there and that was my first, uh, meeting. And, uh, I walked in there and, um, what I first noticed was it was all white people.
And I went, "Oh, no. all white people and I was pretty prejudice in those days. Um, and so I I went in there and um I just sat there and I judged everything.
I just wanted to get out of there. But there was something I noticed when I left there. I didn't remember anything that was said.
I only remember how it felt. There was just something and I even in my own mind I didn't like it. I didn't like uh I didn't like how you were telling on yourselves.
I never told nobody nothing when none of their business. You sit there and share, you know, I thought, God, what what's the matter with them talking out in the open like that? The second thing I didn't like was your laughter.
Just laugh like hell, you know. And there was life wasn't funny for me. There was nothing funny, you know, about that.
But there was this feeling that I experienced there. And even though uh after that first meeting I went to I went and I drank again. I never forgot that feeling that was going on in that meeting.
And probably the best way I could describe what happened was to tell a story. And I heard it in these rooms and um I heard a man tell a story and I really connected to it. I I really understood the meaning behind this story.
And he he was talking about in this one city there was this arena and in the city there was a boxing ring and uh he was in that boxing ring in one corner and in the other corner was the other boxer that was alcohol and a lot of people were in that arena. they were they come here to watch. And so, uh, I connected to that right away.
And you know, when you're at a special event like that, they put a little ribbon on the front row and they allow your family to come sit right in the front row so that they have a good view. That's always a special place that they get to set. And that's what happened.
My family come, they sit right in that front row by that boxing match. And there was a lot of noise and popcorn and all that was being sold. and I felt pretty good.
So, as we got near the time to start it, that referee come out and it explained the rules to alcohol and explain the rules to me. And we both shook our heads. We agreed that we would know what these rules are.
And so, they rung the bell and we come out and first couple rounds it was it was all right. We just boxing around and ducking and punching a little bit, but it was no big deal. Everybody seemed to be pretty excited to look forward to what was going on there.
But then maybe around 3 or 4 were out there and all of a sudden alcohol it just it just seemed to get a lucky punch and it kind of surprised me. And I looked at the alcohol and the alcohol that was just a lucky punch. He says you can whip me and inside I knew it was true.
I knew I was strong. I knew I was going I could whoop him if I wanted to. And so the bell would ring, we go sit down and then get out there and pretty soon alcohol started hitting some more.
And as that round went on, you started to notice a lot of people they started to leave cuz it was apparently kind of boring what was going on there. And each time the alcohol would punch, you'd say, "Hey, that was just a lucky punch." And I noticed a couple times it seemed from my point of view in that situation, the alcohol started to hit some low blows. And in the rules, it says you can't do that.
But the referee never said anything. And so as uh we got back on a couple more rounds and pretty soon the alcohol is just it's really punching almost at will. It's really beating me up.
And I looked around out at that arena during that break and I noticed everybody had gone except my family. My family sat right there on that front row. They were watching what was going on.
went out there for another round and the alcohol started just to really punch, really hurt. The bell would ring. I could barely make it back there.
And I sit down there on that little chair and my son come up to me and he said, he said, "Dad," he says, "Let's go." She says, "Get out of that arena." And I looked back at the that 8-year-old boy and I said, "You tell your mama just one more round." I says, "You going to watch. I'm going to do it." She says, "You just tell her to watch. I'll make her proud." So that bell rang and we come out there again.
This time alcohol was really fighting dirty, kicking, hitting, and I was right down on my knees, saved by that bell one more time. And I crawl back over in that corner. And I'm sitting there trying to figure this thing out.
Then pretty soon, my daughter, she come up, she tugged at my arm. And I looked at her and she says, "Dad," she says, "Mom says that if you don't go now, we're going to leave. we're not going to watch this anymore.
I said, "You just tell her one more round. Just watch cuz I'm going to do it." The bell rang and I went out there and I don't think I'm really sure when they left. I wasn't watching for them.
And by this time, the alcohol it was, it had me right down on my stomach on my hands and knees. I could just see Alcohol's tener shoes kicking and telling me, "You can beat me." And I was saying, "I know I can. I know I can." It was a lucky punch.
Then it hit me. All of a sudden, I said, "You know something? The L call is lying." I said, "The alcohol is lying." So, I don't even remember the bell or anything.
All I know is I crawled out that arena on my stomach and I crawled out of that arena and I got off by myself and I started to heal and I was thinking about things. You know, as I was out there for a while, then all of a sudden I I was thinking about it. I said, "You know something?
I I know I know a move that alcohol don't know about. I didn't show them my real stuff." So, I thought about that and I said, "You know something? I'm going to go back there.
And I walked in that arena and a light was on and the alcohol was standing in that corner with his arms were on his ropes. And I looked at that alcohol and I said, "Elco, I'm back." And the alcohol said, "I knew you would be because you know some stuff. You're going to whip me." And so I said, "That's what I'm going to do." So I jumped back in that arena and it was a matter of seconds that alcohol put me right down on my stomach again.
And so I realized that what I knew it didn't work. So I crawled out of my stomach again all bruised from the alcohol and I I got out there and I got thinking again about another move that I thought the alcohol wouldn't know about. And so back in arena, I went again and I said, "Alcohol, I'm back." And they said, "I know.
I know you would be back. I've been waiting for you." And the same thing happened except quicker this time. And so I crawled out that arena.
The last time I looked at that alcohol tender shoes, I was able, as that big book says, to concede to my innermost self, to my insides, that I have this disease, alcoholism. And that was August 10th, 1978 that I left that arena and never have found it necessary to go back into that arena. So what I did one more time is I come back to you people.
And this time when I come back, I didn't come back to keep my family. They were gone. I didn't come back to keep my job cuz it was gone.
I come back to you. I was thousands of dollars in debt. I was bankrupt.
My family was gone. It was all gone. And when I came back this time, I didn't look at it as a white man's program.
That had gone too. Alcohol. It was about alcohol.
And I knew that you knew that. And I knew you knew some things that I didn't know. To die would have been easy, but you know, it doesn't necessarily let you die.
It keeps you alive. Barely alive. And so when I came back into the program that last time, I didn't have any resistance.
It was gone. I was absolutely willing to do what I needed to do, what you told me to do. And one of those things you told me to do was to get a sponsor.
And I was kind of watching this old man. I was up in Denver by then. They call him Big Frank.
And uh he's an attorney. He was sober a long time and uh he's all he's a real alcoholic, Frank is. And um he knows that big book quite well.
And so I went I asked him if he would uh be my sponsor. And he says, "Well, let's sit down and we'll talk about that." And so we sit down there. And um he's kind of a sarcastic kind of a man from my point of view at that time.
He was a great big man. He's about 67. He's big, all scarred up.
>> And um he just sat there, he's sizing me up, you know, he had this way of looking at you as his squin eyes and nodding his head, his lips sticking out, you know, like. And he said, you know, he said, I've been here, he said, about 17 years. He said, I watch you Indians come in here all the time.
You hang out. He said, you sit way in the back. You don't say nothing.
He said, all of a sudden, you just disappear. He said, "I don't know what there is about this program and you guys," but he said, "Most of you guys don't get it." He said, "I don't think you got what it takes." And he was getting more sarcastic, you know, and you know, you ever have like when you're a kid have a little puppy and you you you don't know, but you tease that puppy, you rub it in the face and then then you rub it a little bit more and then pretty soon you get it growling. You know, you that's the way I felt he was doing to me.
He's just rubbing it in my face and rubbing it in my face. You remember? And I remember I sitting there and I just looked at him with my glaring eyes and I thought, you know, you watch, you white son of a I'll show you.
I said, I'll make it, you know. But I found out later on in his wisdom about the only thing that he had to work with that I had a lot of was anger and it was hate. I didn't have compassion, love, caring.
I didn't even feel anymore. By the time I come in, I was numb, paralyzed, kind of that way. And so that was kind of how it started.
And he told me, he said, "There's a couple of things." He said, "I'll guarantee you." One, he says, "I'll guarantee you my friendship." And he says, "It doesn't matter whether you like me or not." He said, "You know something? I just now decided I'd be your friend for life." And that's the way it is. He said, "You got nothing to do with it." And he says the second thing he says I'll give you he says I'll give you some guidance.
He says there is a book here. And he said I know you don't know anything about it. He said but I know about that big book.
And he said the other thing I can give you is some hope. He said cuz I'm sober 17 years. And he says you little brown son of a You can't get 30 days.
So he said I know something that you don't. And he went on to say he said there are some things I am not. He said I am not your taxi cab.
Don't be asking me for rides. I ain't your banker. Don't ask me for money.
I am not your hotel. You know, he said, "You did all that stuff. You got to the bars and stuff.
So, don't be calling me for that." But he said, "I will share with you how this program works." And so then he showed me this big book of AA. He wouldn't let me use the 12 and 12. He had some opinions about 12 and 12.
He had a lot of opinions about lots of things, but he said uh that it's that book. And he showed me how thick 164 pages were. And he held it up like that.
He said, "The rest are stories." But he said, "This first 164 pages," he says, "If you do exactly what it says in there," he said, "you'll never have to drink again. This isn't about slipping. This program is not about slipping.
It's about never having to drink again. >> >> you know, and if uh if you haven't been able to quit that way and you've gone through all that terror, that's a big deal to hear somebody say, "If you do this, you'll never have to drink again." And so he showed me those 164 pages in that book and he said, "That's what we're going to do. We'll start on those on this book.
Then he took a schedule and he said, "These are the meetings here in Denver, Colorado." And he circled six meetings I was to attend. Sunday night, I could go to any meeting I wanted to, but Monday through Saturday, I was directed which meetings I was to go to. Then he said, "When you go to this meeting," he said, "when it comes your turn, you say, "My name is Don.
I'm alcoholic." Then he says, "You don't say nothing after that cuz you don't know nothing." He says, "You have nothing to share." So he says, "You just sit there and listen." And so that's the way I did it. I I went there and I just My name is Don. I'm alcoholic and I didn't say anything.
But I must have been sober about 6 months and I was sitting there one night and this this uh Indian woman walked in this meeting. Well, she was looking good to me, you know, and she was kind of looking at me with those snagging eyes, we call it back home, right? Get that certain look.
I could tell something was going on, that connectedness. It was there pretty strong. And I thought to myself, you know, I'm not going to make any points with this Indian woman unless she hears me quote the book or something.
I got to do something, you know. Soon my turn come and I said, "My name's Don. I'm alcoholic." And I started quoting that big book.
I just whipping those passages on her and I could tell she was even more interested once I could quote that big book. So anyway, we did that and uh we went for coffee that night and I went home and I went home 10 seconds. Seemed like the phone rang and I was such a good mood.
Hello, you little son of a What were you doing? Talk in the night. You know, somebody sponsors are like the original internet.
You know, they know everything. They're just camped out. So anyway, I got caught.
But when we went to that big book, the first thing he did is he turned to those 12 proposals, those 12 steps, and he said, "I want you to look at each of these 12 steps." And he said, "I want you to answer two questions." He used to call it the step before the steps. And he said, "These are the two questions. You're to answer for each one of those 12 steps." He said, "One is he are you willing to go to any length?" So you got to read step one and say, "You willing to go to any length?" Don't worry about how to do it, but are you willing?
Then step two, are you willing to go to any length? And step three, I was to consider that possibility for each of those 12 steps. Not just a yup, but was I willing to go the distance?
The second question he asked me says, do you want to do it? Do you want to work these 12 steps? Is this your your road?
Cuz he said, not everybody in the program works those 12 steps. He said from his point of view half a they don't work no 12 steps he stay they stay stay so sober they go to the meetings and as he was telling me that I was over at his house and he was making us a snack you know and he was telling me about this program of AA he says it's like a banquet he said there's like steak on this end and you get further down you know there's like meatloaf and further down there's like cheeseburger AA and and he he knew that I like peanut butter you know and so he was making this peanut sandwich. I was eating the sandwich, you know, and then he finally I just took a mouthful of that peanut butter sandwich and he says, "There's even he said peanut butter aa and I'm sitting there, my mouth was full." And he says, "But the problem with peanut butter," he said, "It sticks to the roof of your mouth and you go." So I used to see him in a meeting every once in a while.
You know, he said in a meeting how a sponsor is giving you that look. You know, they try to connect you and you look the other way. You sit in meetings like that and he'd be looking at me.
Finally, I look over across the table at him and you go, It's always rubbing my face, you know. But he said, "One of the reasons you have to have that step before the step," he said, "is because when you go through those steps," he said, "when you worked him," he says, "you're going to hit a wall." And he said, "If you hit that wall, it comes up and you hit it, you will turn around and quit." But he said, "If you make that commitment, I want to do this. I'm willing to go to any length.
That commitment will take you through those rough times because that's what you said you wanted to do. So he says, "Don't come whining to me that you don't want to do it cuz he said you told me you wanted to do this. You said you was willing to go to any length." So I went back and I told him I was.
And that's true. I was I didn't know what it was going to be, but I wanted to go through that work. He called it the work.
That's how he referred to. He still does to this day. So, we went back there and um when I got that step before the step, then he showed me where the instructions were for step one.
You know, I had read that big book lots of times. That was the most boring book I ever read my whole life, that big book. A and I could never find instructions.
I didn't understand what that was, instructions. So, then he told me the first 43 pages is to do a step one. and I was to consider and he said if that if you're a real alcoholic he said when you read that book you'll understand this book he said if you're just a normal person you won't understand that book very well but if you're a real neki you you'll be able to say that's me that's me that's me that's the way it was I went through and I read that and I knew that book was written about me it was easy to see it some words I didn't know you know paradoxically and all that stuff you know I still don't know what it means but I know that book is written about me cuz they were telling my story right in that book.
I understood that. The day will come when you have no mental defense against that first drink. I know about that.
I can tell you stories about that. Where I make vows and I still would drink or where somebody come up and say, "You keep this up, you're going to lose your family. Most important thing I ever had my whole life and I I lost it.
It went because of the alcohol." I knew about that. Then we come to the second part of step one and he showed me on page 52 was called a manageability paragraph and in there there were nine areas I was to look at in terms of unmanageability. That part where he says we're having trouble with our personal relationships.
We couldn't control our emotional nature. And there were nine areas in there. And he had me take those nine areas and flip it into a question.
And I was to look at in my relationships. It's not what were they doing, but how was I managing them. So I was to list people I was in relationships with and I was to look at my behavior in that.
How was I managing that? Was I stuffing it? Was I getting angry?
Did I run? Did I gossip? Did I?
And I was to look at my part of relationships, how I was managing them. And with all nine of those areas, he made me look at each one of those areas. I had to give him a lot of examples of what that was.
So I went through and I did that and I came back to him and then we talked some I added some things to it, but I for the first time I was able to see what unmanageability was. I didn't know what it was. I I thought that was normal.
I thought when some when you got pissed at somebody, don't talk to them just for weeks. You have to share nothing. It's an Indian way or whatever.
You know, whatever that stuff was. He always told me, he says, "Being Indian will get you drunk." He used to tell me. I used to his name was always in my resentment inventory when he said that, but it took a while before I knew what he was saying.
And so then we took those nine areas and he always explained to me that the steps are interconnected. They're not separate 12 things but they're interconnected with each way. Then I took those nine areas and I bought us to step two.
And what I was to do there is to create a vision in nine areas. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So I had to look at sanity in personal relationships, emotional nature, making a living, full of fear in all nine of those areas.
And so I made that vision in n in step two. And he told me that vision that you write in step two will be your spiritual awakening in step 12. What you said in step two.
He said if you want to know having had a spiritual awakening what it is, he said look at your vision work that you do in step two. And so I wrote that part in there. And he said don't ask how is this going to happen or when.
But he said most of step two is written out way beyond your belief system out in the land of impossibility out in the land of the extraordinary. And so I made that vision and then I went over to his place and uh we started to work on step three. And he always believed that every sentence in the big book was instruction.
So when I told him I was ready for step three, he would open up that big book and he'd read every line and then he asked me for experience on that line. So when he says that our lives are running self-propulsion, he said, "Give me some experience that this is true for you." And so I had to go to each one of those. When he asked a question, I had to answer the question.
He didn't let nothing go. And we had to go all the way through there. And like a lot of people when you come into the program, I struggle with that step three.
See, I was raised on reservation and some of the brothers here, you know, they have mission schools there. Different churches coming uh on the reservations, you know, you know, and they always had uh clothes and food. That's kind of why we went to them, you know, for the food and the clothes, except they always made you do their thing first.
So, the Catholics would come in and you you had to learn to do all of this, you know, and then pretty soon they'd go run out of funding or whatever. And then the Pentecostals would come up and then you you had to learn to do this. And so we we had to do a lot of different things on a reservation like that.
But what was always puzzling is like, you know, the Catholics would leave and the Pentecostals would come and they'd say, "The Catholics are going to hell." And you go, "Whoa, am I glad the Pentecostals are here." Then they would leave and the Baptists would come and they say, "No, they're both going to hell. You know, we we're the one." And you know, you're a little kid, you you get this idea, you you want to get to heaven or wherever this place is. And we it's like you you weren't sure for for sure which one was it, you know?
So, I had some pretty tainted views of God. I didn't know about the creator until I came here to you. That's where I really learned about it because I mean I like that story last night one speaker you know he talked about um uh mission school you know like when you're a little Indian kid a nun is really I mean they got this you know robe on and they got this and they carried their arms and they had little sticks and you know they they were they were you know like spiritual terrorist you know on the reservations She just they scare the crap out of you.
And you know they would be trying to get you to find God and they'd say you know like you ever been burned with a cigarette and say oh yeah and they say well in hell your whole body is going to burn and you get blisters. You you know you have these visions of uh you know it scares the heck out of you. And then they say you ever been thirsty?
There ain't no water in hell. Your body is going to blister and you're going to never have water. or do you want to seek God?
And you go, you bet I do. But it was always like the flames of hell licking your ass. You know, you like, you know, going there for the wrong reason.
But, you know, today I I I know better because that's, you know, all part of my prejudice to religion that you had to help me take a look at it. But that's how it seemed to me. It wasn't until I came to you that I started to find.
So, I had some of these in my mind. I had some of these things about turning your life over to the, you know, oh, are you sure you want to do this? But then one day I was in the meeting and I was on that third step because the way Frank told me, he said, when you go to a meeting, he said, "The only problem you got in your whole life is the step you're on.
If you're in step one, I don't care what meeting you go to, you listen to it from point of view of step one. If you're in step 11, you sit there from point of view of step one." So wherever I as I went through the steps that's how I had to do it. So I was on step three.
So I listened from the point of view of step three. And it was in there that I I heard um a version a story that really helped me a lot. And this guy was he was talking about step three.
And he said you know he said there's four frogs sitting on a log in a pond and he said one of those frog make a decision to jump in the water. So how many frogs are left on that log? I said three.
used to know four. See, he said that frog was sitting there with the other frogs, but just decided when he makes that decision, he said, "The way this step works is when you make that decision to turn your life and your will over to the care of the God." He said, "And God makes you into a orange frog." He said, "In a you hear this, well, I took my will and I give it back and I took it back and I give it away. I took it and I he said that's not how it works." He says it's a onetime deal.
He said when you turn your life over to the care of God like that frog, he said it makes the orange frog and it's orange frog forever. He said so say you make that decision on Friday and then Saturday you get all upset and you get really angry. He said you're just a pissed-off orange frog.
That's all. They say suppose Monday you go get drunk. He said then you're a drunk orange frog.
That's the way that is and it works that way. And where my head was, I said, "That's it. I I want to be orange frog." So, of course, I went over to Frank.
I didn't say, "Hey, Frank, I I'm ready to be orange frog." Cuz Frank was uh not quite that way. But anyway, we we went over there and we went through that line by line of all instructions in that third step. And when it was done, he said, "Are you ready?" And so me and that old man, we got on our knees and each opened up that big book and uh held on hands and he read that third step prayer and then I read that third step prayer.
And so when I was finished, I I said, "Well, Frank, now what?" And he said, "I'm glad you asked." And he reached behind his chair and he pulled out a legal tablet with a pencil. He says, "Let's see what that book says." This is next we launched on a course of vigorous action. And so before I was writing there I knew how to write resentment inventory, five column resentment inventory, four column fear inventory and a 13 column sex inventory.
The way that we did it because you know in the sex inventory says I jealous cause suspicion. Each one had to be a column. He says so you can see the pattern.
You separate it out. you can see it especially the first inventory and so that's the way I did I wrote that inventory and uh I remember uh I was writing inventory for a couple of months and um this thing came up around my sexual abuse. I was sexually abused when I was nine and 10 by an uncle and I never told anybody anything and when it surface I was sick and when I saw all that stuff that come up with that I stuffed that for a long long long time and I went like nuts and I drove my car I don't remember driving over to Frank's place I didn't go in the front door I was just pounding on that glass window.
Even when he opened up the door, I was still pounding. And I think that was the only time in the first three years I knew him, he was ever kind to me. He he invited me in, but he could see something was going on.
So he let me stay there for that weekend. And I wrote inventory down there in his basement. And so when I inventory was finished, I knew it was good.
Uh he told me about the dark crannies. He said, "No secrets. Everything has to be told.
You cannot have any secrets. That's what that dark cranny is. He said, "If you have those," he says, "you'll get drunk." And so when the inventory was done, I knew it was done.
And so I I I still couldn't get up enough courage to go tell anybody cuz I knew I had to admit to myself, to another human being, and to the creator, God, what was in there. And there were certain things I didn't I didn't know if I wanted to tell anybody about that sexual abuse and what I wrote about it, what was in there, about the terror of it. Then later on when I was older, I also used it for pleasure.
I fantasized about it. It wasn't all painful. I couldn't think of ever telling anybody that parts of that that abuse that took place.
And it was my mother's most favorite brother. Everybody loved that young Indian guy. But he was molesting a lot of us right from within our own clan.
And I had stolen money. There were a lot of things I had done. I didn't want to tell.
So I I kept putting it off. I kept putting it off. One Friday in the afternoon, I started getting that feeling.
You know that one like you get when you're going to go to the bar and your mind says you ain't going but everything says you are going how your wrists go like they get like this you know you get that and it was building up and it was coming on strong and I knew what was going down. I had been to enough your meetings to find out I was either going to fist up or drink. And so I waited as long as I could and I knew what I had to do.
So I called Frank and I just taken him to the hospital and went home. I called this other guy that I kind of trusted and uh he went home. I called his third guy and he was there.
And you know when you don't know, you know, that's kind of a personal thing there to see if you can get a fifth step going. I didn't really know this guy, but I used to listen to him in the meetings. I had respect for him and I couldn't get myself to ask him, but he guessed it.
He said, "You want to do a fifth step, don't you?" And I said, "Man, I do." He said, "Come on over. I'll put on the coffee." So, we went over there and what I didn't tell him was I I did my inventory. I had in a folder like I was shown, but the dark crannies I wrote it separate and I stuck it in my pocket.
So, I got over there and I read everything that was in that folder. And when we were done, he said, "You you got everything?" I said, "Yeah, boy. That was really rough, wasn't it?" And so he was making some more coffee and then he started to tell me just some about when he fifth step his first one man he had some juicy stuff in there there he was telling me you know and so finally there was like this little voice inside that just said for God's sakes just be honest one time in your life just one time do it and so I told him I said I have some more because I really thought to myself, you know.
I thought, you know, if he tells on me, I'll tell on him. He told me some really juicy you know. So, I thought I had him, but I had no idea about freedom.
I didn't know that he was free and I wasn't. I was, you know, still in that mode. And so, I took that those documents and I started to read everything, all the sick stuff, the sick sexual stuff, just the sick and money and things.
I stole and things I did and I told everything. I read that and I had a hard time first and I just cuz I just my stomach was just like sick and he just put his he said, "Look, just do do one more. Do one more." He said, "God loves you." He said, "God's crazy about you.
Just do another one." And he just encouraged me as I went through each one of those. And so I did read it all. When that was finished, he said, "You go back home." And he showed me the instructions in that big book, what he says to do when you get home.
He says, "First, you thank God from the bottom of your heart that you know him better. And then he showed me the promises of the fifth step." And he said, "You claim those promises." Then he said, "I'm going to sit here by my phone. You're to review those first five proposals to see did you leave out anything." And so I did.
I reviewed those proposals like he said. Then I was finished. I saw that in my resentment inventory and sex inventory and fear, I had my list of character defects for step six and seven.
It's all interconnected. And so I took those character defects and I said that prayer. And I had some hard times at first when I first started six and seven because it seemed like every time I tried it, it got worse.
It didn't get better. And so I thought I must have been doing something wrong. So then I go to meetings and talk and it always seemed like once I do it again, it got worse, didn't get better.
Then one day I was in this meeting and I heard this story about step six and seven. This guy was talking about, he said, he said, "Let's just say that you're going to bake a cake. Get the oven, you set it to 350 or whatever, you get the pan, you put in the flour, the sugar, and milk and all that stuff to make that cake." And he said, "Just stir it in that pan and take a spatula.
You smooth it out." Then he said, "If you want that cake to bake," he said, "You got to open up the oven door and you got to stick that cake in there and you got to close the door and then let the let the stove do its thing. It'll do its thing." And he said, "That's where step six or seven is." But he said, "The way you do it," he said, "you make the cake, you do that all in there, you stick in the oven, then you open up. Am I done yet?
Am I baked yet? How about now? Not yet.
How about this?" So I kept opening up the door. And he said that is about letting the creator bake you. Once you say I'm willing to let you have the defect, he there's nothing more from you to do.
Quit peeking. Just don't peek no more. Just leave it be.
And actually he told me later on he said that when that struggle starts it means it's working because conflict precedes clarity. There's a principle in our medinal teachings. It talks about that that there's a connectedness between the conflict and the clarity.
But I didn't know that. And so I did step six and seven. Then I got into steps eight and nine.
And again I from my inventory list I had a list of people where I had to make my amends. And I had a lot of amends to make. My sponsor was a firm believer in making those amends in person.
And he was a firm believer in writing those out. You circle every paragraph in that part where the amends are. And he says there's an introduction, there's the meat, and there's a closing.
And it's you circle. And he showed me how to do that, how to make those amends. But I had to write them out because he said, "You always change your mind.
If it gets rough, you won't change it. So you got to write it out and let me see it." And then and that was really true. And so I started making those amends.
So slick me. I made the amends in easy, medium, and hard, three columns, and I arranged them in an order. So I went I tried three, four easy amends, and well, people are just cool here, forgiving, and loving.
I thought this is cool. This is nothing to it. So I went over, I picked a medium amend, I said, I'm going to try one of those.
So when I made this amend, I wrote it out and everything and u I was uh got done with the amend and I was waiting for the hug, you know, and she said to me, she said, "Are you done?" And I said, "Yes, I am." She said, "Well, that didn't have to You did." She said, "Let me tell you what should really be in your amends." And then she went and she told me the rest of the stuff. So, I got in a big argument with her. I say, you know, and I told her to stuff it.
And I, you know, I come back and Franken said, he says, the first time he's ever had somebody had to make amends for for an amend, you know, like one of the and it gets really humbling when you got to go back and everything she said that was true. I had to put in her and admit that, too. But I made it through the amends and then eventually I got into step 101, the maintenance steps.
And um that was good and it still is good today. But the way that I was sponsored, I go through the steps every year because Frank told me, he says, "Not everybody does this." Only the way I was sponsored and the way that he was sponsored. He says, "Because in this program, he said it's about the ego." And he says, "The ego works on where you have your together.
Right where you think you're just sweet and nice and hot and so kind and loving, right there is where it's working." And he said, "You go through those steps," he says, to find that out again. And so I went through that and I I did that and when I got to be four years sober, I say in a period of maybe 30 days, I put a I I went to I I I hung around growing people in AA when I hear somebody slip, I go take them for coffee to know what why did you slip? I wanted to know everything.
You know, I really I watched that. the ones that I talked to, 25 of them that I talked to that slip had five years over sobriety, quit going to meetings. That's the one thing they had in common.
So then I said, "That's it. I'll never quit going to meetings. No matter what, I'll always go cuz I don't want to make that journey." And so I go through the steps every year.
So four years sober in a period about 30 days, Austin, I went nuts. I felt I was just crazy. A basket case.
I go to meetings. I hated meetings. And I hated the drunkalogues and the big books sucked and I didn't want to pray in the mornings and you know I hated hear keep coming back you know and all that crap and so uh out of desperation I went to see my friend Johnny looking club he was in program two and I went up to him and he uh Sue and I told him what was going on and uh I was really scared cuz nothing was working.
And he said to me, he said, "How long are you sober now?" I told him, "Exactly." I told him. He said, "Oh, you're right where you're supposed to be. You're right on schedule." And you know, when you're in it up to here, you don't want to hear.
God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Yes, he does. God gives me more than I can handle.
That's how I look at it. Or take it one day at a time. You know, you take it one day at a time.
This is a crisis. You know, live in the now. poo and all that.
But he explained to me, he said about the cycle of life and he said, "Every salmon, every bird, every tree goes through circles, seasons, spring, summer, fall, winter, everything goes that way." And he said, "When you come into recovery, it's the same way." But he said, "The human being, our circle is four years." He said, "You come in when that life force hits, it's like the sap flowing in an oak tree and then you start to bud and you start to get it. Then the second year, you're in, it's a but this a it's when the leaves unfold, you kind of settle out. The third year is your harvest.
That's a season you can do nothing wrong. It's not that you don't get flat tires, you do, but right in front of the gas station like that." Then he said there comes that time when that tree has to lose all of its leaves and when it happens he said that tree is saying what the hell is happening to me I'm not shaped how I was I don't look how I am and he said every four years the creator takes your beliefs that you use to build and he takes the meaning of them away and what happens you appear lost. He says you shift into another circle like a orbit then you go into that new orbit and he says what you do is you try you try the stuff from the old circle and it doesn't work he said because you you very subtly you create a system of pocket gods and this is about only God keeps you sober he says so you learn over three years you get in trouble got to go to a meeting gets me sober or you get in trouble you call my sponsor sponsor keeps me sober the big book keeps me sober He said it don't keep you sober.
Only God keeps you sober. But you start to trust something before the creator or God. And so he says that's why everything goes away.
And so I learned now to work the steps a certain way for three years. In the fourth years I put everything on the altar we call it. I put the big book, the 12 steps, sponsors, relationships, family.
I put it in the altar and the only thing I hang on to is trust in the God. Every four years I give it all up. Not then what happens as soon as you do that all a sudden the big boat becomes new and the AA groups get smart and sponsors are cool again.
You know it's like that. That's how it seems. And so that's the way I do it.
That's the way that I was taught. I went through that. The part is uh sometimes is is hard for me to believe is uh maybe what it's like now.
Um you know, you come in and everything's everything's gone and you kind of see no hope of uh anything ever happening. So alls I ever do is work steps. I just uh today I I I refer to those steps as being sacred.
That's how I see them. When I was about seven or eight years sober, I think it was um I was still in my mind I was by then I started to return to the culture and I saw this as two paths. It was like the AA path and the Indian path.
And uh so cuz you know you go to aa I wouldn't mention that you go here you can't mention this. And so I I took those 12 proposals to a group of elders and I I said I I I need some clarity on something. I said there's these 12 steps that I I use.
I said but now how about the sweat and how about the ceremonies and how about all the other things? And so they had me come into this circle and uh they sat in a circle and they opened up a door in the east part of the circle and I walked in there. He smudged me and they said, "What is it you want to know?" And so I held this eagle feather and I explained to them.
They said, "Tell me about those 12 steps. Explain them to us the best that you can." So I told them as best as I could what you taught me about those 12 steps. And when they got done and they they close that circle, you walk out of there.
and they talk it over amongst themselves. That's how they do it. And you sit on the outside, you you can listen, but you can't ask any questions.
So, I sit out there and when they got done, they said to us, they said, "You know those 12 things that you talked about?" They said, "That's not a white man's program." They said, "That's exactly our program." And they said, "That program is a natural order." They said, "You can't jump around." They said it's perfectly in natural order the way that it is designed. They said the only thing that we would recommend with those 12 steps is they said put them in a circle because everything is in a circle. And they said you take steps one 2 three and you put them in the east part of the circle.
That's like new day, new beginning. They said that's the direction but finding the creator. Then steps four, five and six is in the south and that's where you find yourself.
You now know your strength and your weaknesses. You know who you are. 7 8 9 They said you put it in the west.
When you make your amends, that's when you find your relatives. Makuasi the sus to all my relatives. That's where you make your amends to anything that you would hurt.
Not just the human beings, but the animals and the earth and all those things that are sacred that have that life. You have to make amends to all of them. And when you are done with that then you find your relations again.
Then 10 112 in the north they said that's the elders wisdom. Now you can live through the wisdom you see of the elders. And so we took those steps and we put them in a circle.
Then I went through this conflict um in life again during one of the winter seasons and I left this corporate and I formed a foundation called White Bison and I was shortly some of you may know but a while ago a white buffalo calf was born in Jainsville Wisconsin 16 generations they talked about someday this white buffalo calf will be born and it'll turn the four colors turn white again. Then they said, "Shortly afterwards, three more white buffalo caps will be born." And when that happens, we're going to enter into a healing time. Healing time of the human.
And so when that happened, then the elders, there was a vision. In this vision, there was this hoop formed in the sky and a 100 eagle feathers flew to this hoop. And I took to that vision to the Sue elders.
My Sue brother and I, we know who that elder was. We went there Seymour and they asked me questions all day and they said you need to build that hoop means a mending of the hoop the coming together time and they said when you get that hoop built they said build in a sweat lodge and put a prayer for every feather that's attached to the hoop and wrap it in a ribbon red yellow black and white all around that hoop and then bring that hoop up by the white buffalo cap and we took it up there. Then they said you got to bring the spiritual elders from the four directions.
Black, red, yellow, white. So we bought over traditional black elders from Africa, Tibetan elders, white elders, elders from 27 different indigenous nations. And they did this ceremony and they said, "We're going to put into this hoop four powers and then we're going to send this hoop on a journey.
Wherever it goes, people of the four directions will come together and healing will start to occur. And so the first powers they put into this hoop was the powers to forgive the unforgivable. The second powers was the powers of unity.
The third was healing powers and the fourth was hope. And when that ceremony was done, we took that hoop out to the anodaga nation and we went to there are 32 tribal colleges throughout turtle uh throughout America. And we took this hoop there and we started to talk about within our Indian nations to start a wellbridey movement not so bridey cuz when we consulted with the elders about this movement they said sobriety there's a better word in our own language so we had to go in our language and find this word but the word didn't exist in English so we had to mix two words to make it so cuz they said supposing you're a jerk and you're drinking and you just quit drinking you're sober But they said there's a lot more to it than that.
It isn't just not drinking. It's about healing and it's about looking inside of itself. There's more to it than just not drinking.
And so we uh called it a well briding movement and we went across the United States and the creator allowed us to make this program. Once the elders told us to put it in a circle, we call it the medicine wheel in 12 steps and we made a videotape of the medicine 12 steps for men and for women. And as we went through Indian country, we started to recruit people who were in recovery in our native communities.
We didn't care whether they're red, yellow, black, or white. Two-spirited, one-spirited, it didn't matter. You were sober.
We wanted you to help. And so we went and we called them fire starters. That has a great meaning.
The fire starter very meticulously had a responsibility to keep the fire and they started these circles of recovery using these medicine wheel and 12 steps. Only difference is during the circle but we added to them the cycle of life and culture and ceremony and we learned the elders had us learn to do it differently. not different but to add our culture to us.
So they taught us with every step there's a ceremony. There's even a ceremony before the ceremony. And so we go to the mountains and we do this.
It's a ceremony staking ceremony. It's about commitment to make that journey. The third step we take with the chinupa or the pipe.
We do the fifth step in the sweat lodge. Then they taught us when uh steps six and seven, you take tobacco like I gave to this elder kinick and for every character defect you put it in a tobacco tie and you tie it. Selfishness, judgmental, anger, impatience, you envy, you put it in there.
Then you go back into the sweat lodge and you have them sing the old songs, the sacred songs, the Sundance songs. And people come in there and when you're in that sweat lodge, you take that tobacco tie one at a time and you put it on the grandfathers or the hot rocks. You ask the creator to take my anger and you put it on that hot rock and it'll be there for a while and all a sudden it'll go.
It just bursts into flames. And then you do that with each of the character defects. So we were taught that it's not different.
It's the same. That's the same way that we heal for thousands of years. It's not different.
And so we went across and we we recruited 172 fire starters and out of that we got 100 circles going circles of recovery. Then last year a group of 25 of us we took that sacred hoop to Los Angeles and we made a run for the people and we ran it from Los Angeles to Washington DC. We ran 4,294 miles in 109 days.
And we camped wherever it was that we camped for the people, not for ourselves. We made that run for the people. And who would ever think that a person coming into AA would be made the keeper of the sacred hoop?
I didn't want it when I cuz I I said I know what goes on in here. I'm not ready for that. But they said, "Yeah, you are ready that you have to be disciplined in certain things." So we made that run across the United States and we recruited more fire starter programs.
We're making our third hoop run in June and July, 25 cities west of the Mississippi. That run will be dedicated to the healing of women and children. And it will be in that run we are going to make a major effort to get Alanon in our communities and to heal because I believe the in fact nobody gives Alanon much credit for how many of us drunks come in here and got sober because of Alanon.
And so we were able to meet with the Alanon at their headquarters and they're going to cooperate and assist with us to get because we think that our part of our healing to recover from this alcoholism, we need Alanon and all and we need the AA. I know nothing is more effective than this program. Sometimes for me it's sad.
I get sad because you have a reservation very close to here. You know, and I asked that question to where are they? Where are the brothers and the sisters?
If they only knew what goes on in here for sure. The power that it has, it's not different. But there's blind spots and things that's been handed down over it.
But we must be persistent, you know, to work at that. And so I'm allowed to take that sacred hoop and to participate in this well movement. And um I just have to pinch myself sometimes, you know, that uh that I'm doing it.
You know, I think what are you doing there? What are you what are you doing there? But that's the way it is.
It's not nothing that I planned. I made this vow every when I got sober. I said when I get up in the morning, I'm going to ask that to the creator when I pray.
I said, "What do you want me to do today?" I think only three days I have not done that that I recall I've done it every day. So I I asked for the orders you know what am I do today? Then eventually as I returned to the culture I learned that they told me that when the sun rises when it first comes up on horizon like that and it starts to rise and until that sun gets to be a full circle they say there's a window where prayers are really heard very strong.
So now even if I go back to sleep, I get up during that window to pray because there's powers going on there. The birds are waking up, flowers are singing, there's a whole bunch of things going on there and they said join nature. That's what nature then you'll wake up differently.
So I make an attempt to do that you know every day to get up in that time. So uh it's been quite a journey. has not been perfect at all.
But you didn't promise me that either. You told me that if I did certain things, go to meetings, work steps in a regular basis. Um, service work.
If I were to do those things, you told me I wouldn't have to drink again. So far it's true. So far, everything that you told me is true.
You didn't lie. I'm glad you didn't tell me it wouldn't be perfect cuz it's not. But you told me I'd have the tools.
I like the the greatest line I love and hate in the big book. He says, "So basically we think our problems of your own making." But you know, in some ways it's a greatest line of hope because what if it was true it was of your making and then you wouldn't heal it? Then I'd be waiting.
So I have that opportunity to know I'm involved in that. So it's been a it's been an honor to be on this journey. I consider those 12 steps to be really sacred.
I think that uh they're they're holy. That's how I look at it. If it wouldn't disrupt a meeting, I think what I would do is I would I would stand up every time they're read.
I think they're that sacred, but I don't like to disrupt anything. But that's how I feel like doing it. Like when an elder walks in, you want to stand up out of respect.
That's a respect I have for this program. So I'll just close with this. in my own tribe.
One time I went back there and I was drunk and they got me and they said, "We want you to leave here and we don't want you to ever come back." They said, "You get out of here. We don't want you around here." And I and I left. I came to you and I was in worse shape.
And I came to you and what you said, no matter what I did, you said, "Keep coming back." You invited me back. So, uh, not that I would ever have to, but if I would ever have to make a choice between my own tribe and you, I would choose you. I wouldn't.
How come? >> Cuz you said keep coming back. And you meant it.
You weren't kidding. You really meant it. If you hadn't said that, I don't know.
I'd have made it. If you hadn't said, God is you understand him. I don't think I would have stayed.
I couldn't. So, I just want to thank you all for that and for what you have taught me, you know, so far. So, I'll close with this prayer.
got this from YouTube somewhere. But in this prayer, it says, "God, thank you for what you've given me. And God, thank you for what you've taken from me.
And God, thank you for what you've left me. And what I'm left with is my sobriety and my home group and you people, the ones that there are some of you, you love me enough to tell me what I need to hear." And that's the type of friends I have to have because sometimes I don't see. You got to tell me what I need to hear.
Love me enough to tell me and you do. Thank you all very much. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.
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