AA Speaker – Earl H. – Prescott, AZ – 2019
Earl H. shares 39 years of sobriety, from a plane crash that killed his family to rebuilding his life through AA sponsorship and the steps. A raw talk on recovery.
Earl H. from Prescott, Arizona has been sober since November 6, 1980—39 years. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through a life shaped by violence, addiction, and unimaginable loss: a plane crash in Mexico that killed his parents and sister, years on the street, and a moment in a hospital detox when he finally asked for help. What follows is his account of how a no-nonsense sponsor, working the steps, and the fellowship literally saved his life.
Earl H. shares his journey from childhood violence and early addiction (starting at age 12) through a devastating plane crash in 1974 that killed his family, six years of active addiction, and finally entering recovery at Long Beach General Hospital. He details how his sponsor Donald Madden held him accountable—from showing up 30 minutes before meetings to getting through his Fourth and Fifth Steps—and how reading the Big Book with Joe and Charlie tapes transformed his understanding of the 12 Steps. This AA speaker tape emphasizes the design for living found in the program: unity (community), recovery (the steps), and service (carrying the message).
Episode Summary
Earl H. doesn’t start with recovery—he starts with a childhood most of us can barely imagine. Born into a violent home, shipped to boarding school at twelve, he discovered alcohol and drugs as a way to kill the fear running underneath everything. By fifteen he was shooting heroin. By sixteen he was in and out of psychiatric hospitals. He built a career as a drug dealer while attending business college, and then came a diagnosis: late-stage cancer.
But that wasn’t his bottom. The real one came later.
On November 7, 1974, flying to Guadalajara with his family for his birthday, the plane crashed. His mother, father, and little sister died at the scene. Earl survived—crushed, paralyzed from the waist down, watching them bleed out in the dirt while he couldn’t move. In that moment, he made a decision: he would never love another human being again, and he would never let anyone know who he really was.
What followed was six more years of drugs, alcohol, violence, and blackouts. By the end, he had nothing left. His last blackout landed him in the hospital with both hands broken, the police outside deciding whether to charge him with attempted murder. That’s when someone threw him in an ambulance instead of a cop car.
Fifty-two days in Long Beach General Hospital’s detox—a room with 42 cots, no medications, no comfort. When Ray W. told him he had to go to AA or die, Earl thought there had to be a plan B. There wasn’t.
The first meeting terrified him. So did the second. But in that third meeting, something shifted. An old-timer named Vegas came up and introduced himself. Earl told him to get away. Vegas looked at him and said, “Keep coming back.” Then a speaker got up and shared, and Earl felt something inside him flick on—a pilot light he didn’t know he still had.
He got a sponsor: Donald Madden, a man of absolute commitment to AA who didn’t care what Earl thought and expected him to do exactly what he said. Donald would call and say, “We’re going to the Monday meeting. Be there at 7:30. The meeting starts at 8.” When Earl complained, Donald explained: other people are coming too, and they deserve to see someone there waiting for them with coffee and a Big Book.
Working the Fourth and Fifth Steps with Donald was terrifying—Earl had been planning a murder. But Donald sat with him, listened to the inventory at a hamburger stand on the freeway while Earl read his darkest thoughts out loud, and when Earl finished, Donald simply said: “Sensational. We don’t kill people here. One day at a time.”
Years later, Earl and a friend named Christopher got Joe and Charlie’s Big Book tapes. They read along, chapter by chapter, and every few pages one of them would say, “Hey, remember that thing they say in meetings? It’s right here.” They couldn’t see the changes happening in themselves, but they could see them in each other. When they finished, they sponsored others using the same approach. Thirty years later, all eight people from that cycle are still sober.
Earl also worked through PTSD with a therapist—understanding that the book tells you to get outside help when you need it, but that AA remained foundational, ground zero. Without it, everything else falls away.
Now, at 67 and 39 years sober, he’s in a long-term relationship, something he once thought impossible. His talk isn’t about hitting a home run in recovery. It’s about a design for living built on three things: trust God (mind), clean house (body), and help others (spirit). Unity. Recovery. Service.
For those new to AA or struggling to stay, Earl’s message is simple: extend the hand. Don’t shoot your wounded. Watch what happens when you work with someone who has nowhere else to go, when you’re reading the book together and they suddenly look up and say, “This is me. I am you.” That’s a spiritual connection stronger than family. That’s what the program does.
Notable Quotes
The truth is, it’s not about up or down. It’s about I got to get out of right here, right now, because right here, right now I’m restless, I’m irritable, I’m discontented.
My humility came from being beaten into a state of reasonableness—that’s what the book talks about.
I don’t know what God’s will is for me. How the hell am I supposed to know what it is for you?
We don’t shoot our wounded in here. We do not shoot our wounded in here.
Love and tolerance toward others is our code, and we will exercise that not just out there, but in here as well.
The program of Alcoholics Anonymous will stand rock solid for you. Chop the wood and carry the water. It’s like water over the rock, bro. The water always wins.
Sponsorship
Big Book Study
Hitting Bottom
Emotional Sobriety
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Sponsorship
- Big Book Study
- Hitting Bottom
- Emotional Sobriety
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker hi everybody my name is Earl I’m an alcoholic um oh yeah you guys do the here I got it sry the uh s thing uh uh s date November 6th 1980 uh yeah 39 39 years you round it up thanks man uh sponsors uh Luther W the Samurai um North Scottdale Fellowship Paul um what else you want to know service Comm sponsor a lot of guys um yeah and all of them they’re either working the steps or somebody else is sponsoring them um um I want to thank you guys for asking me to come up here and share it’s always an honor and a privilege to do something like this and it’s been a real rare um experience to be up here and hang out with you guys I’ve met a lot of really cool guys up here the last couple of days I’ve had a good time yeah man um here we go right chainsaw here we go yeah the uh today’s Pearl Harbor day so uh I just wanted to say uh to everybody that’s currently serving in the military everybody with relatives that were there on that faithful day and Hawai um in Pearl Harbor um all rest thank you very much for your service and everything you did for the country thank you so I uh I didn’t start drinking till I was 12 I waited as long as I possibly could man I was I was Restless irritable and discontented for quite some time prior to that first drink I uh as a therapist once said to me she said honey you’ve been looking over your shoulder since you were four years old and I remember being startled by that remark until I actually thought about it and she was right I grew up in a violent home uh my old man was uh um he was a wild man he was a dangerous individual and I learned that early and often and uh 12 years old I got chipped off to boarding school I’m going to get swer as quick as I can but got to qualify that’s what this portion of this is all about I guess speaker boy um the uh uh I got shipped off the boarding school uh it was 250 boys they had and how I found out I was going to boarding school is my father came in my room and said get in the car all right went outside and there were two cars and Motors running right and they got you know a bunch of relatives U some of them I’d never even seen before right and I got in this car and we drove and drove and drove and drove and drove pulled up in front of this place by this mountain every nobody got out of the car my father got out I got out he put a suitcase down next to me shook my hand he said this will make a man out of you got back in the car everybody left it’s like okay I guess I live here now right and turns out it was 250 students and they had scoured the Earth to find 250 of the brightest most disturbed young kids they could find and there were 249 teenagers and one 12-year-old me I was the youngest and smallest kid in the old school right and I was scared of my own shadow right but I’d grown up in a home and I’d known man you know you can’t you can’t back up you know you got to go forward so I was walking around campus in the first week you know my books under my arm you know trying not to make eye contact with anybody and I ran into tiny every High School’s got a guy named Tiny right you 64 240 plays guard on the football team you know and Tiny found me really tiny said uh out in the quad in front of everybody man he just said how you doing Punk and he slapped me in the back of the head and sent me in my books just flying right now I get it that tiny figured he just you know there’s a new kid and we’ll just you know here’s an introduction the boarding school kid you know good luck he just smacked a little kid that’s all he did he didn’t realize that he had hit somebody that was willing to die over this right so I got up and I walked over and I belted tiny as hard as I possibly could and just stood there glaring at him right cu the punch had had no effect whatsoever right and and Tiny looked down at me and he said you got a lot of guts kid and then you beat the crap out of me right and as I’m taking the beating I’m thinking this is going pretty good you know because the violence had masked my fear so my first tool was for you know life was when frightened attack if you’re coming at people they don’t think what a frightened little fellow that he is right so you know we’re word spread across you know so I go back to my limp back to my dorm room sitting there waiting for the bleeding to stop right and word spreads like wildfire across this campus watch out for this little high tower kid he’s a maniac he attacked tiny right which is not actually true and uh so the cool guys came around I mean this took like 30 minutes right and this kid Matt stuck his head in my in my room and he goes hey bro you want to smoke a joint and I said yes I do and I didn’t even know what that meant you know what I mean all I heard was you want to hook up with us and I was like yeah man I I feel like an astronaut or something man I’ve just been launched out into the world I have no idea what’s happening right I’m 5 feet tall 104 lbs soak and wet you know what I mean it’s like I’m not prepared for manhood you know what I’m saying right and uh we picked up Steve on the way and Steve had a a tupperware container full of cheap red wine like no grapes involved red wine you know the Fortified stuff right the Met little mad dog right we went behind the dorm two 13year olds and a 12-year-old and standing by this big oak tree and I took a pull he took a pull on the wine and he handed it to me and I took a pull on the wine and it you know how it it goes down and hits the bottom of your stomach and then just kind of that Vapor action thing kind of wafts back you know just nasty man it’s nasty going down it’s nasty floating back up right and I was like woof no thanks right let me try that joint right so swap got the joint right took a hit off of that right you know what I’m saying it’s in your DNA I don’t know how I knew how to grab a joint I I’d never I’ve never grabbed one before but there must be somebody in My DNA in my history that smoked a lot of weed cuz you know when he held out the joint I knew that there were three moves that seemed like one you you know you applied the index finger you know you you rolled towards you popped with the thumb and release right and it was just flap I got the joint right so I took a hit off the joint it burned right and I said that is nasty man let’s let me try that wine one more time right so we got the circle going and I’m standing here two complete total strangers Matt Steve and me standing behind this storm babies we were babies standing behind this storm getting high and I mean it happened that thing that makes me bodily and mentally different from my fellows occurred and suddenly I’m com you know comfortable standing where I’m standing do what I’m doing with the people I’m doing it with and I’ve never felt like that before in my life and I don’t know is it the pot is it the you know the wine is it the fact that I’m standing here with my very close personal friends Matt and Steve you know cuz these are my boys now you know what I mean I’m feeling it right um I don’t know what it is and I don’t care you know because I have to remember that it’s the truth the truth is is that it worked perfectly it did exactly what I needed it to do it was the fear killer you know I had this big barrel of emotions inside me right and I don’t know anybody that feels one thing for a while and gets tired of that and then feels something else and then gets bored with that and then feels it you know they float they come and they go there’s an EB and a float our emotional state and you know what’s what’s affecting us you know girl walks by thinking certain things buddy walks by hey man how you doing thinking certain things right get asked to speak a little scary get feeling something all these things are floating around right I can drink through all that stuff in nothing flat but way down at the bottom of my emotional life at the bottom of that Barrel the Deep undercurrent is fear that’s the thing that runs me and I can’t get comfortable unless I kill the fear and if it’s the last thing I feel I have to get drunk to get done what I’m there to get done so I was never a social Drinker I was there to drink away everything I felt from my very first drink right so if there’s a line that we cross I crossed it without hesitation right woke up the next morning nobody died nobody no blood was drawn you know as a result of drinking and us and I was a mess right but that was from an earlier incident with tiny right and nobody gone to the nut house nobody died you know nothing bad happened it was all going to happen but it didn’t happen that night all I knew was nothing bad happens feel better than you’ve ever felt before in your life I’m in I’m in I need to find Matt and Steve quickly as possible right and and so there was humble beginnings just a little weed and a little wine man 13 was pills the only reason I took a pill uh um I was on a 10-hour pass and a guy walked up to me and he said uh was at this party and this guy said I’m 133 years old and this guy goes uh holds out two pills he goes you like a couple pills and I said yes I would took them popped them in NOP what were those which is the difference between us one of the many differences between us and the normal man you know I just I had just swallowed them and I knew I had you know a few minutes and I just need a little information that’s all you know I all I need should I lay down or should I get ready to paint the house what are we doing which your way are we going man you know I don’t care you know and and that’s the thing I got to remember too man I like to think of myself you know I like heroin alcohol barbituates you know these are a few of my favorite things right I like my idea of a good night sitting around checking my pulse you know what I mean just right in there man I don’t need a window I don’t need a woman I don’t need a TV man just how you all right cool I just like that right but here’s the truth if I go to hookup and that’s not what’s available I’m sorry but all we have is a giant amount of cocaine I say I’ll have that please if we can’t go down let’s go up right I’m very happy let’s let’s get this going right let’s get on that freeway start decoding license plates you know what I mean get on window Patrol you know get cuz I mean the the truth is man it’s not about up or down it’s about I got to get out of right here right here now cuz right here right now I’m Restless I’m irritable I’m discontented right here right now I’m comparing your outsides to my insides and I’m losing every time so you know that’s the truth about it for me it’s it’s a symptom of the underlying issue which is me you know I’m trying to to fix this right and just doing the best I can 14 with psychedelics the only reason I I took a psychedelic you know I’m a child at the 60s I was on a 10-hour pass with Debbie Debbie was a very bad girl and I will love her till the day I die man Debbie man Debbie said you want to drop some acid and I said yes I do Debbie and Debbie rolled up a lipstick tube and on the end of it was this little pill and I just took it off put it in my mouth and swallowed it right and she looked at me and said uh did you just take that whole thing and I said of course I did it was a very tiny pill you know I’m used to these big old three grain horse caps you know what I mean and she said that was three hits of white lightning a little identification in the room people are like oh yeah next two days were very interesting we we don’t got time for that now but yeah yeah about 650 hits later I got classified legally insane by the military which is another story we don’t have time for but you know I was willing they want no Part of Me no no you stay home young man we don’t don’t don’t come up our thing so anyway so 15 I started shooting dope the only reason I shot dope is on a a boat marina Del re with a girl named Cammy there’s always a girl right Cammy lovely lovely lady she said would you like me to stick this in your body and I said I am certain of it and she did and it was one of those shots where you just kind of go and on the way down all I remember thinking was you know what if I’m not dead I’m doing this again you know cuz that was awesome right I you know I’m going to need more information about that you know and on and on it goes you know the story right 16 I drop out of high school my father steps back in my life says you’ve gone insane throws me in The Nut House 3 months of observation a year of Rehabilitation I think that’s a little excessive right so I talk my way out of that go back on the street doing what we do they throw a net over me drag me back in and I’ve learned now that when you get thrown in a nut housee you got to get out before they get the Thorazine in you because if you don’t you’re leaving when they say cuz thorine got two speeds slow and stopped that’s it right there are no sudden moves on thoring and you usually find that out as you’re making your big break right very demoralizing you know when you hear from the nurses station uh yeah yeah I’ll get him in a minute let me finish the sandwich I’ll beine you’ve got the arms working the whole thing you no back to the room with no door knob second time they got me in the nut housee I escaped during the intake process and I was out and over that fence and gone before they knew what was happening man spent three years out on the street doing what we do right ended up in business college because that’s a reasonable thing to do under my circumstances and I’d become a drug dealer of course um and I and I had no problem being one because I had no sense of family I had no sense of community I had no morals I had no ethics I knew about this stuff and I was going to business college and I’m studying marketing production just distribution I’m applying it to my business business is booming I think that you know college rocks this is great so I think you know I think we’re doing all right you know there’s an overdose every now and then but you know nobody’s perfect so they had this health fair and all my buddies are going well come on let’s go to the health fair right so we get as wrecked as we can and still stand right and we go to the health fair and they check us all out and they say you know we think you need to go see a doctor I was like well all right right so I went saw a doctor and the doctor said uh you have malignant cancer and I went all right what do you do about that and he said you get your Affairs in order dude you got late stage this is bad I like all right so I call my family that I hadn’t been talking to it all flew back to LA they had major surgery on my upper back um prepared me to die told my family you know I was going to die um and and uh they put me in nuclear medicine um which is now chemotherapy but and I didn’t like their drug so I left and went home and got high the way I get high and I’m a long-term cancer survivor right and ended up going back up to school after a while um and I got a call from my mother my mother called me and she’s crying and she said and and I mean I don’t know about you but I’m the kind of son that like I don’t have a lot of defenses to deal with a crying mother you know like this stop that just what do you want right well we’re going to your birthday’s coming and we’re going to go wherever you want but we’re going as a family and you and your father are going to put your issues aside and we’re going to be a family I said fine I’ll be there right so I flew back to LA and on November 7th 1974 we took off the flight of guadalahara and on the way there the plane crashed and my mother my father and my little sister all died in the crash and I survived and I came to in the wreck and I fractured my skull broke my back in three places that’s why I’ve been kind of missing a little bit is I got a bad back and every once in a while I just got to go put my feet up right get it to unlock and bro crushed my leg my arm just broke all my R I just shattered from head to toe right but I I could move my right arm and I I was paralyzed from waist down I was awake and my mother was laying right over there my little sister Kimberly was right over there and my father was right over there and I couldn’t do anything to help them um so I just laid there in the dirt and watched them all bleed to death in front of me and it was and it wasn’t like this Hallmark you know raging at the sky dramatic kind of thing it was just this real quiet M you know moment out there in the dirt by myself right and I just reached inside and flipped the switch man I will never love another human being again as long as I live and there’s no way I’m ever going to tell you who I really am so there’s no way you can love me I’m out you know I never been good at this you anyway man you know I’m not good at chitchat I’m not good at all you know I don’t know what y’all are talking about anyway I I my out right then some guys came up and scavenged the plane wreck um and took what they could find a of value and left and I thought well that’s that wraps it up right I got no love of God I renounced God anybody take a beautiful kind poetic Soul like my little sister Kimberly and leave me here no God don’t like you I’m out right and uh finally some guys came up and they threw us in the bed of a flatbed truck me and my mother and they threw everybody else and some other stuff and they took us to a Mexican aid station tagged my mother dead tagged me dead sat there smoking cigarettes waiting for us to die which pissed me off and I just wouldn’t die and they ended up taking me to uh Hospital Fatima in Los Moes Mexico and I remember coming to there and people freaking out and yelling and Spanish and all this stuff going on right and then the federales showed up that was not good because I’d had we don’t want to really get into this but um the federales were not thrilled to see me all right so they interrogated me I use the term loosely through an interpreter for three and a half days wanting to knew what I was doing to Mexico right and uh I finally got a hold of some guys I knew up in Northern California who flew a plane and we paid some folks off and they plastered me from the neck down smuggled me out of Mexico and I spent a long time in a hospital in Santa Monica California with pictures in my head that I knew I couldn’t live with um that my life was now going to be out blotting out the Intolerable nature of my existence and I was not going to be successful and I knew it right so I went on my last run and lasted for six years I managed to stay alive for another six years and you know anytime you want to get together and talk crazy things that we have done I’m I’ll jump in with you but y all know all that stuff you know what we do you know what it what boats sound like when they go by what I’ve been stabbed twice shot at the violence of my life has been insane and I’m just a peaceful little white boy from the west side of LA right but drugs and alcohol take me to a a different place um that in some of the experiences that I had in my life came out of my last blackout 215 PBS had hair down on my elbows um family’s dead I got no friends I got no place to live um there the police are outside deciding whether or not to charge me with the attempted murder of David luboff um I mean my life is just I just burned it to the ground it just burned it to the ground there was no area of my life I could look at and go well I’m doing pretty good over here you know it just there was no area like that it was just bad news all across the and I don’t know what I’m I’m a lightning bolt through the window guy right I’m not the educational variety guy I’m the lightning bolt through the window guy because I came out a just one of hundreds of blackouts that came out of one more blackout and it was over I don’t know what happened but it was over and both my hands were broken and I just raised them up and I said help me and a man and somebody was in that room that understood what had just happened and they threw me in the ambulance instead of the cop car and I was gone before the police knew where I was they were probably just glad he’s gone good we have to deal with that right they took me to a place pumped my stomach and said get him out he’s going to die took me to another place stayed there for 5 days just kept getting worse and they took me to another place by ambulance and it was a place uh um Long Beach General Hospital it was the the detox was free and the reason it was free is because it was one room with 42 CS in it old army CS 21 on each side of the room with a sheet drawn between the Cs and how you kicked was called rideing the cot you know nobody showed up at night saying you know R you look a little anxious are you feeling anxious can I get you a little something help you sleep there buddy that guy never showed up for 47 days that guy didn’t show up so I had my detox was a total of 52 days um and I was still so sick man and Ray W God bless him said Earl we love you but you got to go now man and if you don’t go to AA you’re going to die and I just remember thinking so it’s come to this has it got to go to the a Ana huh come on there got to be a plan B bro got to I just that’s just the saddest thing I’ve ever heard in my life he just said shut up and go to it’s like all right no no need to get T I’ll go to go so I ended up on a Thursday night I walked into a room and there was about this many people in that room and I I took one foot in and you looked like about 11,000 people to me walked in I went no walked right back out FR that was a Thursday night Friday night was a Thursday night beginners Workshop in uh Brentwood California the next night I went to the Friday night Tri guide group in Culver City California and I walked in they said welcome I yeah greate went over and sat down and uh just mad dogging everybody man just stay away from me don’t don’t come out don’t don’t come say hello don’t don’t for God’s sakes don’t start telling me about your day I don’t give a about your day I don’t care how your day went go away and then the oldtimers were great they saw me they were like oh right they got it they went hey good to see you partner get yourself a cup of coffee there’s a chair for you right over there and good luck with all that you got going on right there all right good luck that’s exactly what I needed man and I I was just like I didn’t talk yet I just kind of growled at people you know and but there’s always a new guy in the meeting just caught fire with a Anda going to be giving it away tonight right and all he saw was new guy right so he came running coming at me and I’m like no no no don’t do it don’t his name was Vegas n Vegas and he stuck at his and he said hi I’m Vegas I’m an alcoholic and I said me too Vegas so what it ain’t exactly the highlight of my life I don’t know what you’re so happy about get away from me and he looked at me and he said keep coming back and I remember thinking well that’s helpful keep coming back to what this cuz I’m having so much fun so far I hated it I hatte it the Beast was talking was barking man come on they got this wrong come on you know you know what we can do with this come on come on come on and then a guy got up and he shared his experience strength and hope and I didn’t know that’s what he was doing I didn’t know that but it was like he reached right inside me and grabbed the hold and just and where my pilot light is Right wherever that is he just flicked it on you know you know so I us addict alcoholics we may not like it when you tell us the truth but we know the truth when we hear it sir and I knew that guy was telling me the truth and I thought all right oh all right maybe they got something that I could use and I knew and that was my way of saying for the love of God somebody come up with some Consciousness beyond that which I currently possess because man if I got to go with what I know I’m a dead man I need something new I need new information my humility came from being beaten into a state of reasonableness is the book talks about right and I decided I didn’t know anything about this I said I’m going to go back next week and hear that guy talk again so I waited a week and I came in the next week to hear that guy talk and they did all the rambling of this and that and the other thing you know what I mean they did the they did the rarely saw something with the 12 things in the ABC and then they did the other thing with the other 12 things 24 things ABC right right you know great got you know whatever that is right they had they had the charts read the steps went got it what else you got Traditions all right not a group that right I was rolling through this information right and then they said and our speaker tonight is Betty I said what Bill talks here where the hell is Bill what’ you do with where is Bill guy looked at me goes you’re new aren’t you I said I don’t think it’s a good time to bring that up and he started breaking down different meetings and different speakers and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah right meantime Betty with her little blue hair helmet and her little summer dress man she working away to that Podium man and she got out there and I’m like great how am I getting this hour of my life back Betty got up and said hi Betty I’m an alcoholic hi Betty and like five minutes in Betty said you know in my day if you were a reasonably attractive woman if you had 50 cents you could walk into a bar and drink for two weeks then broke down how you go about doing that right when she was done I looked at this dude next to me and I went you know Betty is a badass I would roll with Betty man and I left freaking out I thought now I’m identifying with 70-year-old women what the hell is going on man I don’t get this but I had no place else to go the blessing of my life that I had destroyed my life I had nowhere else to go so they one guy said to me you know you can come more than once a week we got them every night you can come every night you know and I and I would have loved to have said you know hey scheduling conflicts but that would have been a lie um not that I wasn’t perfectly willing to lie to him but it just like whatever right so they had a bunch of meetings the tri gu group so I started going to more meetings and more meetings and and you know stuff started to change and they said get a sponsor and I said what’s that and they said sponsor somebody who’s got what you want and I said well I would like to drink so maybe it’s a little early to be throwing the ball back in my court you know and I’ve since come to believe then that you should get a sponsor Who’s got what he wants wanting what you have is that’s a good definition of Happiness wanting what you have right and so I I I’m sitting in a meeting I’m struggling with this whole sponsor thing and I’m going to a meeting a day and I’m you know I’m hanging in and I’m just miserable man I’m just miserable because I’m I’m left with me you know uh and I got pictures dancing through my head that are just bad and I go to this meeting and all of a sudden this guy comes just comes flying into the room if you know what I mean right he’s the kind of guy that if he walked through that door right now you’d all turn and go oh who’s the big gay guy right just like that right his name was the late great Donald Madden and Donald Madden got up at the podium and said oh hello to you and threw down and gave this talk that was absolutely remarkable man the the the his strength his power as a human being his grace his commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous the fearlessness that that guy stepped up with man he didn’t give a what you thought about him or anything else this is his life and how he this you know what I mean and I want that I want that and the guys I was with are like dude are you paying attention and I said yeah I’m paying attention that guy feels really strongly about Alcoholics Anonymous and I’m dead inside I want that I want to feel strongly about something and it looks like it needs to be this so I’m picking that guy so I walked up to him and I said will you sp me so scared man and he went what I said will you sponsor me and he said yes and you don’t have to like what I tell you and you don’t have to think it’s a good idea you just have to do it and I went okay I can probably work around that right little that I know there a there’s no working around this guy right I mean he’d call me up and say we’re going to the Monday we’re going to 2 plus2 Tuesday night 2 plus2 the meeting starts at they’ll see you there at 7:30 click say okay like ask maybe and by the way and I got there and I went I have a quick question yeah it’s 7:30 the meeting starts at 8: what am I doing here at 7:30 he goes well Earl well shocking to you there are other people in the world and a lot of them have problems too and when they come to an Ana meeting they should be able to come and have somebody waiting there for them who can say here let me get you a seat let me get you a cup of coffee do you have a big book no let me get you one do you have a meeting directory no let me get you one and underline some of the meetings that I go to and we talk to them and see how they’re doing like you know like that like we think about somebody other than ourselves got it it’s like fine 7:30 fine half so every meeting I went to from that point on I was there half an hour before the meeting started cuz I knew there was no point in asking you know he used to back in those days you had an answering machine and a phone and you could connect them so that you never heard the phone ring and you never heard the outgoing message all you ever heard was a beep and the voice of the person who’ called you leaving a message right beep somebody talking to you right so I’d be getting my two hours of sleep at night right just PTSD through the roof right and I’m laying in the bed and all of a sudden beep wake up it’s like he’s in the room you know he goes we’re having a day baby cck I go you woke me up Sunday morning at 6:00 a.m.
to tell me we’re having a day and then hung up that’s who he was what am I going to do call him up and go listen I we need to set some boundaries here no way man that was the only human being I talked to on the face of the earth I couldn’t lose the guy I had to roll with whatever he threw at me so I did you know we I I remember the day we were coming back from a meeting I wrote my four step and I when I came into recovery I was planning a murder I never talk about this but this is where we get real at the nights right so I was planning a murder um and he was speaking and I I finished my inventory and I said I finished my inventory he said fine come over Tuesday and we’ll get it done I said no no no I have finished my inventory where are you now and he went all right get over here you’ll come with me I got to speak at this meeting out Eagle Rock I’m like great shot over to his house get in the car I’m reading the inventory right scared to death I’m getting there I’m getting to the thing you know what I mean I’m reading the inventory to him and he’s driving you know every once in a while he’d say wonderful keep going you know he’s right and then I’d say I’d say I’m going to throw up he said not in my car he’d pull over jump out on the freeway right do my thing get back in the car we stop he goes oh I I have to eat I’m like really so we pull over to the place where it’s the little Hamburger Stand the cheap cheap cheap low-end hamburger stand you know off the side of the freeway in some little Podunk town right where they have the the tables outside tables with the umbrellas and everything’s metal and everything’s bolted to the cement floor right and we’re sitting on our table and you know when you’re scared you kind of talk louder when you’re scared so I’m reading my inventory right right I hate Robert but for this reason and then I you know the you know lots of blood and then and people are getting up and moving there from the thing right there’s this wide empty circle around Donal I who’s eating his hamburger going wonderful keep going eating his hamburger right so we get to the place and I tell him right and the first I finished my inventory and I put it down and I I handed it to him and I went there and he looked at me and he said Sensational and we don’t kill people here one day at a time and I got to tell you I was so grateful to that man that he said that because I felt at that time like I’m the kind of guy that can do it but I don’t know that I’m the kind of guy that can live with it it’s two different guys you know don’t know if I can carry that weight right and I’m I’m a believer that every man needs to carry his own weight and I didn’t know if I could that that’s a weight I could carry I don’t know I don’t want to know right so we get to the meeting and they said you speaker and and the the secretary goes Don we’re so glad let you hear oh is this the first speaker and he goes yes and I I went you know I mean I’m the as vulnerable as I’ve ever felt in my life right and so I my five minutes was I’m R an alcoholic uh I was I I drank a lot and was really bad um I came here and it seems to be getting better thanks a lot and and sat down and he was like oh that was very good now I never took a chip I didn’t take a cake till I was three years sober because I was scared to death of coming up here I’m not the speaker boy I’m not the guy that goes let me share I want to talk let me be this is not a thing I ever sought out this no one over here everybody else over there I don’t like that at all do you do a lot of speaking do you do a lot of speaking come here yes sir look at that wow that’s mildly intimidating isn’t it you don’t say yeah all right thanks man all right good job good hanging with you thank you just just sharing my pain what the hell was I talking about like fear you didn’t want to be a Podi speaker right I I didn’t want to be a speaker I I don’t know where I was going with that we finished the fifth step Donald so I I ended up speaking and Donald me and my friend Christopher were the only two straight guys that he sponsored right and Christopher called me up and he said hey you know they got a book I know I got one around here somewhere he goes no but I um we need to like read this right away I got an inside scoop but we got to get we got to read this and I was like all right chill right he goes I got these cassettes these guys called Joe and Charlie the big book comes alive and we’re going to listen to these tapes and we’re going to read the big book and and we’re going to be different and I was like completely ready for that let’s go right so we’re s we sit down and we’re I wish I had a videotape and those days like you know the giant video cameras that you slot the whole video thing into you know what I mean I wish I’d had one of those because we sat there and we would be listening to the tape and reading along and you know and like every other page one of us would do this hey you know that thing they say in the meetings here it is right here and they go on and you kind of explain it pretty good right there two pages later the other guy hey you know and this went on and on and on and on and on and at one point he looked at me and he go goes man I got to let you know you’re kind of freaking me out I go what are you talking about and he goes you’re changing and I said I feel like that about you so we could we couldn’t see it in ourselves but we could see it in each other right so we got six we finished it and we got six of four six of the people we sponsored so we had eight of us and we did it again and that was 28 years ago 29 30 it’s got to be about 31 years ago and all eight of us are still Silber right yeah yay yay Joe and Charlie yay big book right because that what’s that’s what that’s about right so anyway if you’re new and and on and on and on and on and on and craziness ensued and life went on and it got life got big and then it got small and then it got big and then it was great and I started to heal and my PTSD went through the roof and popped outside issue but I’m talking about it anyway it right well I mean I just ground to a halt I couldn’t make I couldn’t take another step right it was just beating me to death and I ended up in a therapist office and I did the work that I needed to do because the book told me you got an outside issue go get outside help so I did right and it saved my life right and and 79 a me but I didn’t go there replacing the Ana I went there as an adjunct to the Ana the Ana is Ground Zero for me the Ana is the f is ground is ground floor this is it right here this is foundational in my life everything else comes next after this because without this everything else goes away anyway you know I had a woman say to me you love AA more than you love me I said well of course I do we’d have never even met if I hadn’t been a member of the Ana you should be thanking AA well you maybe you should be cursing AA I don’t know you know you end up with a guy like me right but it’s always been core and Central to my life and I look I’ve LED an amazing remarkable life I’ve dealt with a lot of serious issues some of which I’m going to I’m going to struggle with and fight all the rest of my days right I’m 67 years old I’m 39 years sober I’ve been in a relationship with a woman for over 20 years right same one we actually know each other right live together right have a life together right something that I thought was imp remember I’m the guy who will never love love or be loved right I am loving and being loved if you’re new this is what I I want to say to you about everything that we’ve heard and talking about that that what I found in here was I found this circle with the triangle right it’s an ancient spiritual symbol that stands from mind body and spirit brought together as a whole human being and therein lies the balance I’ve sought and I I could never find drunk horse over Alcoholics Anonymous adopted that symbol and they just changed the word a little bit that just just changed it up a little bit to make it specific to us to get it as close to who in fact we are and how we roll you know and how the thought processes click on through in here from an alcoholic perspective Unity service and Recovery mind body and spirit same thing Unity is the body I bring it here I can’t stay sober but we can what’s the first word in the steps we we admitted together us Community vital to my recovery this Comm community that I am close to you I have never been away from you I have always stayed with you and that has never been a bad idea that has always proven to be the right choice every single time in 39 years right the recoveries of the Mind the greater aspect of my illness right because the thing is is that when I get if that wasn’t true detox centers would be kicking out winners 72 hours in free how you doing great what are you doing I ain’t drinking what else you doing I don’t know I’m not drinking what are you going to do later probably not going to drink and guess what I don’t know many people that have done that rapid opiate detox and are doing fantastic I don’t I just don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t know the guy who’s been on methadone for 30 years and looks great you know I maybe he’s out there but I ain’t met him did I cross a line there well if I did I’m sure you all write about it or something you cuz I ain’t taking it back here’s the thing Unity is the body I bring it here recoveries of the mind I got to address the greater aspect of my disease the thing that makes it impossible for me to be comfortable sober right the obsession of my mind so what do I do work the 12 Steps that’s what they’re for Step One is what’s the problem lack of power is my dilemma period period testify period period if that’s the problem what’s a solution step two that a power greater than me could restore me to sanity soundness of M relieve me of the obsession of drink and use that I could become comfortable clean and sober walk the earth the free man that’s a pretty good statement I ain’t heard a better one right and I’ve been looking step three says you know what the problem is you know what the solution to that problem is make a decision to do something about it right faith without works is dead all right right d is with me all right it empowers me so I work the 12 Steps right four and five me six and seven one problem two solution three action get down on my knees turn my will and my life over to the care of a God I may or may not understand understanding God is irrelevant being open to the notion that there’s a Consciousness beyond my own that is open and available to me I need to open myself up to that as well you there bring it I’m open roll right let’s go we’re wasting time I got to get between these I got to get right in there I got to get in there because there ain’t nothing else there is right before we started this meeting all that’s gone can’t revisit that again you can talk about it if you want but you’re wasting your time gone what’s going to happen in 5 minutes beats the hell out of me but right now here we are loving and being loved in the same room wanting the same things willing to take these moments of time cu the only thing all of us have a a finite amount of is time that precious commodity and we’ve chosen to spend it doing this getting in there right here being in this moment so when we look at each other in the eyes we’re here together that when we when I’ve made that point now don’t beat a dead or right don’t just Beat It To Death keep going right so I want that I want to be freed from that so how do I get in step three I turn my will and my life the care of God great and then it says I must Embark upon a plan of immediate action rigorous action right now right now just jump it get on it okay what do you want me to do 4 through nine why those cuz that’s what’s going to completely reframe your entire life we’re going to reboot your entire life it’s like your whole life is an eter sketch and we’re just going to shake it and give you this blank screen to rebuild and recreate the life you’ve always wanted and hoped might be possible for you because now quite suddenly it is as a sober man or a sober woman right 10 minutes I’m going to make it there it is right right so four and five is me six and seven is God eight and N is you there ain’t nobody else to play with that’s what those steps are about 10 me 11 God 12 you to keep me rolling keep me in the game 4 through nine in that first pass 10 11 and 12 me God and you me God and you rolling rolling rolling I can’t God can’t I’ll let him rolling rolling rolling keeping going 12 step haven’t had a spirit Unity is the body I bring it here recoveries of the mind I work the steps having had the spiritual awakening as the result to working those steps the whole point was to be restored to sanity soundness of Mind relieved of the obsession free what am I supposed to do with that be a service get out of self and serve turn back to that community that saved me when no one else thought I had a chance it would in would invest nothing in me and rightly so and you picked me up and loved me and took care of me until I could take care of myself I turn and I give back to the community that so freely gave to me that’s what I do right so there it is there’s the whole triangle and it all it all ties together I went to a conference when I was 5 years sober stood in the back and a guy from is there somebody in here from uh Olive Branch Mississippi there will be but I went to this conference and this guy Franklin W from Olive Branch Mississippi stood up and he said I I’ll sum up alcoholics and I’m saring six words dress God clean house help others and I had a spiritual experience because I was ready open and available for one because I’ve been going to seven to nine meetings a week for five years because I’ve been doing everything my sponsor told me to do because I was taking out panels and I was being a service on every single day I was a good AA foot soldier man I was in this thing I was in it to win it right and he said trust God clean house help others and my head blew off because that was all three relationships that’s the only relationships I could have I could trust God a conscious decision to trust that there was Consciousness beyond my my own that I would decide to trust God clean house I check my side of the street stop worrying about what you’re doing and start looking at what am I bringing to the table what am I bringing to the party what what what I got going on I worry about this you worry about that I’ll worry about this and get busy on this and the and and the last words were help others trust God clean house help others and that if I could base my relationships on in those three areas on those six words that I could lead an honorable life a man who lived a dishonorable life a liar a cheating a thief could have an honorable life could be an active member of society could do good works could be a part of something bigger than himself so if you’re new and you think this is about stopping drinking and using you’re selling yourself way short this is in fact a design for living this is in fact a way to be in the world that is powerful and dynamic every single second and if you’ve been one of those people who struggled getting this thing coming in and out right and and you hit and you miss and you hit and you miss but you keep coming back God bless you you keep coming back and you get that every once in a while you get that look you know that look down the nose that poor son of a just can’t get it you know you get that judgment look right please do me a favor I’d consider it a personal favor for you to walk up to that person and say I saw the look and I just wanted to tell you I met this guy named Earl hi toow and he said you should go yourself yeah cuz we don’t shoot our wounded in here we do not shoot our wounded in here I don’t know what God’s will is for me how the hell am I supposed to know what it is for you you right you come in here and say help what am I supposed to do extend the hand extend the hand have a seat you get your cup of coffee do you need it just like they did me you got a big book no let’s get you one you’re going to love it let’s get you meeting directory let’s get you rolling man I’ll meet you you know give me your number you know I yeah here’s my number but give me yours so I can call you right and do the deal and Watch What Happens Watch What Happens you think you caught a buzz I know you do oh nobody shot doe like me oh nobody smoke crack like me right nobody took more acid than me bite me that’s just you know watch this you work with some a seemingly hopeless human being that’s got nowhere to go and there’s that moment when you’re working in the book and they’ll look up at you and you know it happened it it happened they popped they just went oh this is me I am you that we are in this together we’re this is stronger than family this is blood past blood this is a spiritual connection that we are bound by right and we’re going and I’m telling you we’re going to change the world in the way the world needs changing love and tolerance toward others is our code and we will exercise that not just out there but in here as well with each other and with those that we meet on the road right so if you’re new Jump in this is this is the big ride right this will not let you down ever it will never let you down we will cuz they a bunch of flawed crazy human beings but the program of Alcoholics Anonymous Will Stand Rock Solid for you so chop the wood and carry the water of Alcoholics Anonymous it’s like water over the rock bro the water always wins I love you peace thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day