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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> My name is Forest.

I'm alcoholic. >> My sobriety date at the moment is February 22nd of 2014. That is my second white chip.

My first white chip was from 1992 to 2000 or 1111. So 11 of 2011, I had 19 years. So when talking to you guys about the first step, it's kind of interesting.

There's a lot of ways we can do this in 40 minutes, right? Um I'm definitely not the guy to go say speak as long as you want because you guys didn't bring sleeping bags or dinner. Um, probably not a good idea to say that.

Um, what I do want to do is I'll make you guys a part of this, right? How many people in this room have more than two years? Interesting.

How many people here have completed amends to the best of their ability? Okay, I know what we're going to do. Um, again, because of the way I got sober, I could talk to you about coming off the streets of California and and not having any life skills and walking into Alcoholics Anonymous.

I can talk about bottoming out in Alcoholics Anonymous and having to go back and work a first step. >> I can talk to you about the mindset of the lie I had to buy into to leave Alcoholics Anonymous and how to unwork the first step. And I could talk to you about coming back while still having all my stuff and knowing that I'm dying inside.

>> We'll do a little bit of all of that tonight, I think, based on what we got. >> All right, before I get going, um I do want to thank the group cuz once I get going, I I won't uh won't remember to say that. So, thank you allowing me the opportunity to share.

It's always a privilege, especially in this room. This room has been intricral in my life for 25 years probably. Uh there's been giants that are no longer with us that I I heard in this room.

Uh Maurice, my dad Rick, Paul E, uh Eddie O, the list could go on and on. There are giants that I met in this room that really changed my life and taught me how to be a man. So, it's always a pleasure to be able to uh an honor to be able to speak in a room like this.

Uh the other thing for housekeeping I like to do is, you know, I like to just kind of stand at the podium and uh and take a breath and kind of lift my left leg and um that way I always start off the meeting on the right foot. >> I promise the jokes get better. Okay.

Okay. >> I was 6 months sober and uh I was walking into an Oak Street, I'm sorry, a clubhouse in Cincinnati, Ohio called Oak Street. And I was looking for a couple old-timers, you know, and they were really old and they had a ton of years.

They must have been like 50 and had like 20 years, really old. And um and I was convinced a didn't work. And I was sick of them saying it gets better and better and better and better.

So I I went and found these guys to say, "Look, it doesn't get better and better. I'm 6 months sober. It's not feeling any better." And I came to explain to them that Alcoholics Anonymous didn't work.

Now, they had they had kind of watched me over the 6 months and, you know, said little funny things like, "Yeah, that one's called Envy. That one's called Lust." They thought they were real funny. Um I uh you know I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and uh for a moment I really thought this thing was going to work like I really felt alive inside.

I saw that you guys had been where I was and were somewhere else but you know I gave it a shot and it wasn't working. And so I went to explain it to these guys and and you know one of them I I was already in you know position to have this big you know dramatic conversation and he's like how's it going? I'd be and I replied with it'd be great if this thing worked.

And he said, "Oh, really? Have a seat." And somehow with this Jedi mind control, something there was like 20 oldtimes around me. And I'm like, "Uhoh." And they said, "So, what have you done since you got to Alcoholics Anonymous?" And I said, they said, "You have a sponsor." And I said, "Well, well, I did." And they said, "What happened?" And they said, "Well, you guys told me to get somebody who had what I wanted." So, I went and found the guy who had a Porsche.

He had this bleach blonde girlfriend. He looked like he had some money. And I, you know, you guys didn't mention anything spiritually.

I just what I heard was go find somebody who has what you want. And so about 4 months into recovery um from the podium he decided that he wasn't really alcoholic, he was just gay. Uh turned out the force was least and the girl that was with him admitted he was a gold digger just trying to get out his money.

And I realized I really didn't know anything about getting a sponsor. But but hey, it didn't work. That's the only way I figured it out.

>> Um I had tried some retail therapy that got me broke. Um Wow. >> I lost my license 6 months sober on points.

>> Wow. >> Cuz uh I had a little bit of a heavy foot and so the road trip thing was out and uh I was very uncomfortable in a lot of meetings because of my dating practices, right? I was part of the young people's group and she was there and she was over there and she was over and it it got a little uncomfortable and so you know I'm thinking AA really doesn't do so much for me and uh they kind of laughed about that.

They go, "Have you worked any of the steps?" And I go, "Yeah, I'm on an inventory." They said, "Great. What's the first step?" And I'm I got all these dictionary and, you know, information in my head. I'm ready.

I said, "Well, we we admitted we were alcoholic." Actually, I said, "I'm admitted I was alcoholic." And they said, "We" And I said, "Right, right." And they said, "Okay, what's alcoholic?" And I go, "What do you mean?" They go, "Well, why do you think you're alcoholic?" And I said, 'Well, when I was 13 years old, I moved from Cape Cod, Massachusetts to Hollywood, California. And in my first uh 6 months of junior high school, uh I was ostracized. I was ridiculed.

I was made fun of. I look like a New Englander in a Hollywood um environment. Not Not a good target to uh not a good way to dress if you don't want to be a target.

Feeling pretty uncomfortable. and I was outside ditching, debating how I was going to uh how I was going to kill myself. And uh some kids walked up and long story short, showed me where a 13-year-old could buy beer and I got my first Mickey's Big Mouth 40 dancer.

>> And I had seen that that had been a solution for people in the past. I had seen that work for many people. I was very curious if that worked for them, maybe that would work for me.

So I put about 3/4 of a Big Mouth 40 oz in me and something happened. >> Oh yeah. And they talk about the promises.

We read the ninestep promises before this meeting. A lot of those promises came true for me that day. I found a new freedom and a new happiness.

>> I didn't care anything. I didn't care what you thought of me. I didn't care what you thought of me about me.

I didn't care what money I had, what I look like. I didn't care about anything. I was comfortable.

It's like my skin suddenly fused to my body. >> And I had a magical moment. And I said, "Wow, if I'm never feel if I'm feeling uncomfortable, if I'm starting to live in a way where I'm not feeling life, like this is a great solution." And I had a little epiphany that day.

And I told these guys that story and I go, "That's why I'm alcoholic." And they go, "Well, that's probably a pretty good reason, but but that's not why you're alcoholic." Not a good sign. Not why you're alcoholic. I said, "Well, let me tell you some other stuff that I would do stupid things when I was drinking.

As a matter of fact, I had been property of the LA County jail system. Uh I had uh quite a quite a fellowship uh among the uh substations in my area with the law enforcement. Uh we uh well known in my area if you just wanted to go like get ridiculously drunk and party that I was your guy.

Um so you know, you add that together with that story, that's what makes me alcoholic, right? And they said, "No, we've seen a lot of people that have like had drinking problems, done really stupid stuff, and for whatever reason decide to quit one day. That's not what makes you alcoholic." I said, "Well, what does?" They said, "Well, in the big book, we talk about two things to tell if you're alcoholic." By the way, this is the big book.

It's called the book. Alcoholics Anonymous is the name of the book. Fellowship named after the book, just in case you had put it right there.

Um, they pointed at the book and they said, "So, have you ever found the first step in here?" And I'm like, academically, I've got information. And I said, yeah, we concede to our innermost self that we're alcoholic. Great.

So, what is it to be alcoholic? And I said, I don't know. He said, well, right here it says, if when you honestly want to, you find that you can't keep yourself from picking up.

And if once you pick up, you can't control the amount you take, you're probably alcoholic. So, they go, "So, what makes you alcoholic?" And I said, 'Oh, you mean the times that I really wanted to not drink and I went and drank anyways? And they're like, "Yes." I said, ' Tell us about that.

Right. And so I'm crawling around in my head and I start remembering some experiences I had. But but the most vivid ones come from the times where like my life was a train wreck and I just started to put it back together, right?

like I've been unemployed, I've been single, and I'm just starting to talk to somebody and I'm just starting to get this job going and I got these responsibilities and things I'm supposed to do. And suddenly something would grab me by the back of the head and say, "It's time." And I'm like, "No, it's not time. I cannot go drinking.

I cannot go party tonight." And they would say, "No, it's time." And I'm like, "No." And I'm putting my shoes on, fighting with myself, and cursing at myself and grabbing my I'm like, "I can't be going out tonight. I really shouldn't be doing this. Why am I doing this?

This is really stupid. Why do I find?" And I'm sitting there yelling and arguing myself while I'm driving to go do my thing. >> And I couldn't understand why I was doing it.

And at some point, rather than go absolutely crazy, I'd buy into this idea that, you know, this time it's going to be fun. I'm going to enjoy myself. I'm going to I'm going to be the life of the party.

I'm going to do all these great things. And the reality is I would just put three in me as quickly as I could. And then I became something else.

Then the turbos kicked on. You know, I I called it Terminator Eyes. And many of you guys that are with me tonight have heard me talk about this, but literally something in my brain switches and it's like the mechanical thing goes on and suddenly you all become resources.

You're no longer people. It's like, how can I leverage you to get more? Are you going to get in the way of me doing more?

Cuz if you're going to get in the way, you got to go. If you're going to help the party going, you're my best friend. Try not to have a feeling and use any emotion or feeling you had toward me as leverage to get anything I could out of you so we could keep this thing going.

and if you're willing to keep this thing going and you're you're going to play it then then we're best friends and we'll roll and everybody around me became suddenly went from a like a nice live active interactive person to a resource and I'm scanning you up and down trying to assess how you going to help me keep this party going for me the way I would drink is you know I'd find condiments or I'd black out pretty quick so I I would stay up for three days anything that sped me up was a good condiment uh crystal crank speed didn't matter whatever it was Um, you know, my drug of choice. They talk about your drug of choice. Mine was yours.

And if you had something that sped you up, all the better. I would continue to party for 3 days, pass out, pour half refrigerator down my throat, take another little nap cuz I had so much food in me, get up, pop up, and then try to show up at life again. Um, you know, and it's really hard to live a life when you're when you're like that.

that I mean you can't just like show up at a job 3 days late and go hey I'm here you know your friends like hey sorry I was you know like where you been for 4 days like I guess normal people don't do that I tried to pull it off they they they noticed um so at some point I decided I didn't really want to be around people that had any ties to normal life and so if you had a job if you had a family if you had legal revenue if you were tied to something as part of the world that would expose my way of living I really couldn't hang out with you anymore so even though I had a place I could sleep uh I chose to sleep on the street and just kind of run around with that cuz it was a lot easier to interact with that than to walk into a house and look at somebody and try to explain to them something I didn't know cuz they would give me that look and ask that same question of what's wrong with you? Why you doing this? Right?

And they said that's what it's like to have no no choice. Right? Alcoholics anonymous is for people that don't have the ability to keep themselves from starting.

And once they start, usually can't control how much they take. And if you have that and you can't pull that off on your own power, then we have something here that might tap you into a power that'll allow you to stop. If you can pull that off on your own, that book says hats off to you, right?

Talks about a couple tests. It talks about um you know, try to control drinking. I never tried that one, but try control drinking.

Drink abruptly, stop. Drink abruptly, stop. See if you know, see, try to drink four drinks and stop.

Do that a few times. See how that works out for you. It said if you're truly alcoholic, you have a very uh rare chance of success.

I forgot the word. Um talks about another test. It says if you're not alcoholic and you think you can leave it alone, leave it alone for a year.

Don't drink it all for a year. Don't do anything mindaltering for a year. See how that works out for you.

Now, if you're as crazy as I am, my get so miserably uncomfortable inside of myself that that doesn't become an option. I start to think suicidally. I start to think crazy.

I get so uncomfortable that that thing grabs you by the back of the head, says, "Oh, no. It's time." Right? So, it talks about two tests that you can try if you're questioning it.

I wasn't really there. I kind of knew what the problem was. I just didn't really understand that what I was doing here.

>> So, this is a book of actions. The first action being take an honest look at yourself and tell yourself can you stop right and it doesn't care you know it talks about if a mere code of morals or philosophy or intellect was sufficient to suffice we would do that we we can try to muster willpower we can explain to ourselves why this is bad and we shouldn't be doing this and replay the tape and all these other crazy things I hear about you know intellectually put this idea in your head that this is bad. But if I I hit the right spot, I get that level of discomfort, that thing comes inside of me, says it's time, I don't have power to say no.

There there's no information I can obtain. And I have tried to obtain this information. I mean, just to disclose some of my craziest, I sat in general service in New York where this book archive is contained and studied manuscripts and tried to find the secret information because if I had the right level of information, I might crack the code.

There is none that I can find and I had resource. This is a program of action. It is an actionoriented thing.

And if you perform certain actions, let me restate this. Information is great to the extent you use it to find God and turn it into action. I was using information like I would a pill to try to fix me.

I don't recommend that. You ever want to have that conversation? Anybody?

Please complain. We'll get into that in a minute. So when I came in, I realized a I really wasn't working Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wasn't really following a process. They went on to talk about Alcohol Anonymous being a three legacy thing, right? They talked about three actions I had to do every day.

And me with the uh attention span of a nat in a windstorm, I really couldn't absorb any of that. But they talked about three actions and they equated it to you're dying of cancer and we're going to give you three pills to take every day. And if you take these three pills, you might be in a recovered state.

You will no longer be talked into drinking when you don't want to and you won't have to fight it off because you won't be drinking. Talked about three actions. We talked about unity service recovery.

They talked about 12 steps. The most important step you're ever going to work is the one you're on. Do that one.

They talked about unity. They talked about meetings like this. They talked about go into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Become part of the Wii. Don't listen to people speak. You don't got to fact check them.

You don't even have to relate to them. You don't even have to like them. You got to look for God inside of them.

Where were they able to do some Where was God able to do something for them that they know they couldn't do for themselves? Where did God enter their life? Look for God inside of people.

Because if you can find God inside of people, the gift I've gotten out of that is that I've gotten to see the God inside of me. Cuz I can't see God in me. I I can look in the mirror.

I can try. It's like watching hair grow. I don't have I don't have hair.

But but if I did have hair, like watching it grow. Um >> yeah, we'll retract that. Not sure.

Strict that from the record. Um, but in in essence, I I can't see God inside of me. But if I see God inside of you for a brief moment, I get to see God inside of me.

So, go be part of the week. Go into the fellowship. Go listen to people.

Go find where God's moving around inside of them. And we'll get into God later on this week or in this series. But, um, in short, my definition of God is probably not your definition of God.

And whatever definition of God you have is great. And most people that have trouble with the word God are actually having trouble with the definition they have. Go find another one.

We'll get into that later. They talked about a third part. They talked about recovery steps.

They talked about unity sitting in the Wii. They talked about service. They said Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of helping other people.

And it made sense to me, right? And we've been joking lately. I I I've read 30 40 self-help books.

never long-term change a single behavior. I read one help others book changed everything. This is a book about helping other people, right?

This whole thing is about service. Is about taking somebody like me who's a liar, thief, taker who you can't give enough to cuz I'll take more. If it's free, I'll take three.

I don't care what it is. And transforming into somebody who tries to give and help. And if I can tap into that, that's what this book is doing.

I get to have a magical life. And when I got here, that made no sense to me. And when I got here, that was the last thing in the world I wanted.

And actually, Alcoholics Anonymous truly gave me the last thing in the world I wanted. >> Me. I didn't want anything to do with me.

>> But you gave me uncomfortable inside of me where I wasn't fighting off everything, every thought, every intention. I wasn't worried about you, what you were doing, what you had, what you thought of me. Just like that kid who got that that Mickey's big mouth inside of him where I just didn't care anymore.

I was comfortable. I was okay. That's the gift of what Alcoholics Anonymous gives me.

Right? So, when we start with this first step, that's where the magic starts. But it really comes down to that honest question.

Do I have this? Because if I have the power to pull off my life, why am I going to go seek this power? If I don't have the power to keep myself from starting, there's a solution here for me, right?

And I you go we'll go on to the rest of the stats later over the next few weeks. But but let's just say that uh at certain points of my recovery in the first 19 years um there were points where I I felt again like I didn't belong in alcoholics anonymous where I again felt uncomfortable inside of myself where I again felt like this thing just kind of isn't working. I felt kind of a rough edge.

And now I've got sponses, I've got responsibilities, I've got commitments, I've got groups, I've got people that look at me like I might actually know what I'm saying sometimes. I don't I don't I I get rare moments where the two squirrels line up and I get a coherent brain talk that runs in the little treadmill. Um, but what I started to realize, you know, is that there are times where I can unwork the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I have had I've unworked them back to step one before. Sober and Alcoholics Anonymous, doing meetings, helping people, right? And the way that looks for me is that suddenly I'm helping people and I'm not able to fix them.

They're not listening to me. I am affected by what you're doing. I suddenly became a very much of an I program, you know, and suddenly the first step became I admitted I'm doing and I want I got rid of the Wii somewhere, right?

And I found it necessary in many points in my recovery and I actually do this every morning these days to go back to check in with that first step concession. Do I suddenly think I have the power to manage my life? Do I suddenly think I have the power to stay sober?

Do I think I have the power to keep somebody else sober when I can't even keep myself sober? And I spend a minute with that because very often I think the answer is yes, right? But if I spend some time with myself and I really look at why I'm here and I look at that interstep, that first step concession, I start to realize I don't have the power to run my life.

How would I have the power to run yours? At best, I can show you some tools I've acquired, some actions I've taken, some experiences I've had with them, and hope to God you find what I found. And when I do that, my life's great.

when it starts to become about me doing stuff or you not listening to me or me thinking I'm you know using the steps or these these fellowship the fellowship as a way to kind of you know forge my life into something I want you know recreating my life in forest's way um I end up in some crazy places and I've bottomed out in alcoholics anonymous a ton of times trying to think that I had something to do with this thing right so in the morning I really try to wake up and rework that first step and remember why I'm here I don't have the I don't have the power to pull this off. And if I don't have the power to pull this off, then really I'm probably living on God's power. Whatever that word means to you, we'll get into that next week or in a couple weeks.

Don't worry if that word turns you off. We'll get there. Um, so if I'm living on God's power, what am I doing with God's power when I get it?

Right? That's my that's my greatest question for my sponsors when they get up. They're all caught up in stuff.

I'm like, "So, what are you doing with God's power?" For the first 10 years of my recovery, I would call that old-timer who sat me down and showed me what the first step was. He gave me some guy, Jake. That was the first time I went through the steps with a guy and um and I had an experience with that, you know, but but I would still call that guy who walked me through and it would go like this.

I'd be whining and complaining about and he'd be like, "Pick her green without question. It was always money or girlfriend." For the first 10 years of my recovery, I was absolutely convinced. If you gave me 10 grand in a girlfriend, my problems are solved.

I was sure that was the solution to everything. >> Turns out they make your life a little more complicated. Spoiler.

Sorry. >> No. I say >> he'd say, "Which of the three aren't you doing?" And I'm like, "Well, I'm not really helping anybody." Um I'm showing up at some meetings.

Are you looking for God in people? Not really. What step are you on?

I'm in 101. What are you doing with those steps? Well, you know, I'm kind of reading them.

You're not working the steps either. No, I'm not. He'd be like, "Go to a meeting.

Find a newcomer project. Work the step you're on. I want to hear about your 10 and 11.

I want to see that written 11step inventory. I want to hear about that 10step vision of God's will for you. I want I want to see some work in those steps.

And I want you to go to some meetings and really go look for godly people. Call me when you're done. And I don't care what problem I went to him with.

I don't care how many times I went. And I really wanted to come to him with some really good ones. That's all that exact conversation is what he would say and hang up on me.

And I really wanted to call him back one day and go, I did all three and it didn't work. Never got to make that call. >> Never got to make that call.

>> A is a really simple program. If I wanted to work this, right? It's three legacies, right?

You can find a sponsor. You can do a 9090 and try to get embedded in a group. You can find some people to run with.

You can find people to walk you through this. And I've seen a to be a springboard. You know, I've seen people springing to life in the most amazing, miraculous ways.

But to me, the the the strength of how far I can get into this really is contingent on this first step. Do I really see that I can't control my life? Cuz from that, the whole thing opened up to me, right?

I love the story in the second edition. Uh the second Yeah, the forward of the second edition. It talks about Bob struggling to get sober.

Bill approaches him. You know, Bill Wilson, Bob, first two guys, a spoiler if you had gotten that far yet. and he approaches Bob and Bob's like, "I don't know what you can tell me about God.

I I think there is to know about God. I've been prayed to, prayed on, prayed over, baptized, saved. I got people praying for me right now.

>> I got people wanting to pray for me. I got places that want to take me to show me what God is, God's not working for me." But when he heard Dr. So when he heard Bill's description of alcoholism and realized that he had it and realized that the real question was, can you actually stop on your own power from drinking?

And if not, go seek God for that, >> he began to pursue a spiritual remedy with a willingness he had never before been able to muster. So Bob was stuck, knew everything there was to know about God. when he actually worked the first step, when he had that inner concession, when he had a moment where he realized he really couldn't do it and he needed to obtain a power outside of himself to do that, that's when he got sober.

And so I often think about that like because I kind of came in like with Bill where um I knew the problem. >> I don't think God's going to fix it. And at some point when I came back, you know, years sober with all these responsibilities, bottoming out in Alcoholics Anonymous, feeling completely uncomfortable inside of myself, thinking I'm running a show that I'm not.

>> I had to go back to that inner concession. I had to go back and go, do I remember what I'm doing here? 15 years sober, my life had arrived, man.

My life's just unfolding in in miraculous ways. I came here off the streets of Hollywood, California. I didn't know how to eat three times a day.

I forgot to cut my nails. Showering every day, that was novel. Going to bed at night and waking up in the morning.

These are all very new things. Um, I learned everything decent about how to be a man by watching men in the room of Alcoholics Anonymous. I learned everything about how not to be a decent man watching people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

You will meet some of the sickest and some of the healthiest people on the planet here. And the scary part is we're capable of being either one on any given day, right? But somehow I actually learned how to be a human being.

Somehow I got a job. Somehow I was no longer on the street. Somehow I was comfortable enough inside of myself to attract a man and and have a child.

And I'm showing off that child to my grandparents. And I moved to Florida for some living amends. And I meet her and we have the kid.

And I've got my grandparents here. Grandparents were married 60 years. role models to me in every sense of the word of what it was to be a decent person.

Love them endlessly. They they they had patience with me of saints. Actually, it was more my grandmother, but grandfather railed the coattail, so I give them credit.

They they treated me in ways that they shouldn't have for a very long time without enabling me. They loved me for a long time. And so when they when I got sober and I became part of this thing, one of the reasons I moved here was to make living amends to them.

And I'm with this girl, her name's Christine, and she she lives with her grandmother and her mother. And on Mother's Day, we go over to my grandparents and we get a picture of my mom's there and there's like four generations, five generations of women and you know, we go over to her grandmother's house and we get again four or five generations of women and we have these, you know, this magical day. 20 months from that day, everybody who was in my little world at that time, which was my grandparents and her family, and every Sunday I'd go scuba diving uh with a friend of mine, Larry, who I met in this program.

Long story short, within 20 months, everybody I was close to died. Wow. My grandmother died.

My grandfather died. My friend Larry, who I went diving with every Sunday who had a boat mysteriously drowned. Her grandmother died.

Her mother died. Yeah. My daughter's mom died.

>> Here's a four-year-old. By the way, your support system's gone. And most people, you know, in Florida now are also uh also departed.

And I went into a really dark place. I went into a really dark and I and you guys tried to rally and talk to me and you guys tried to talk to me and try to find me and uh I wasn't I wasn't having it. I didn't want to hear it.

I just was not ready to talk about God or my resentments or any of it. I really just didn't want to know about any of it. And one day I looked at this little girl and I said, "You know what?

If for nothing else, I got to do it for her. She didn't ask to be born. She's just here." And uh and I knew where to go and I knew what the problem was.

I did not have the power to pull off my life. I did not have the power to be make myself comfortable inside of myself. As well read as I was, as wellunded as I was, as well researched as I was, a mere code of morals or better philosophy were sufficient, many of us would not come in these rooms.

I had all the intellectual information. I had the, you know, all these things I could theoretically do. None of it worked.

When I admitted that I needed help and that I needed to find a God and I sat in these rooms looking for it, slowly but surely, my life came back online. Cuz it works regardless of what you think about it, regardless of whether you like it. A doesn't care what you think.

A doesn't care if you have an opinion or thought. If you think this is crazy, if you think these people are crazy. I do sometimes.

Doesn't matter. What actions are you willing to do in your life? This is an actionoriented program and it's great to study it and the and the traditions in history are rich and we can get into archives.

I'd love to have those conversations about PA history and Oxford and Washingtonians and you know how Bill got sober and the Oxford group. I can go into these academic highs and all this information but that is not really important with regard to staying sober. What is important is that I take all that information and I transform it into action.

And for me the actions need to be in three areas. community service recovery. And if I'm working actions in those three areas, my life gets better every time, regardless what.

Cuz life's going to come at you. Life is going to beat you down. Are you willing to do actions to keep moving?

19 years sober. I decided I was going to leave Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, for anybody who's had time in recovery, who's ever really kind of worked a program and gotten really comfortable in recovery and had a life come out of that that that recovery in order to leave Alcoholics Anonymous, just required to leave, you have to buy into some kind of lie.

And that lie, I've heard I've heard great ones. As soon as people come back, I'm always like, "What'd you buy into? What was it?" For me, the lie I bought into was >> y'all don't know what you're talking about.

>> See, I have studied Alcoholics Anonymous. I have been in the archive rooms. I have studied.

I have information. I'm listening to you talk. You don't sound like you're talking.

You know, the problem really is that Alcoholics Anonymous is spiritual kindergarten >> and I'm going to go into college. So, I'm going to go to self-realizational yoga centers and I'm going to meditate with these guys who meditate for eight hours a day and I'm going to go to the church drop-in center and I'm going to go help drunks there and I'm going to work this unity service recovery in all these advanced areas and places and I'm going to go pull that off and I kept saying the word I. At some point after about 10 years sober, that first step really read to me.

I admitted I was powerless because I didn't want to be part of the Wii anymore. Well, y'all didn't know what you were doing anyway. I really didn't want to be anything to do with the Wii cuz y'all are crazy.

Now, keep in mind, I crawled out of a dumpster living on the street. Literally, it was like an apartment that could have been a dumpster that was abandoned. Uh, you know, thought we were pulling off magic cuz we'd sneak into construction sites to get showers.

uh you know knew where to steal food that uh that hadn't quite been lost yet or or find food that had recently been put away in the trash can. I was literally living out of so you know me of such high moral fiber um and high coming decided you guys are nuts and uh cuz I'd arrived now I'm 19 years sober man I mean I work in a corporate entity I got a new car I got a house I'm raising a kid I've arrived I'm sorry y'all haven't but I've arrived you guys are crazy and uh and so I made a decision that AA was spiritual kindergarten and and then I was going to go work the program somewhere else. And so I left and I did that for about 6 months sober and then she showed up.

She did yoga. Yeah, that one. And uh and so now it was like, you know, I'm going to just I'm going to dabble a little cuz really I'm free to go anywhere I want as long as I'm working a spiritual program.

See, now I'm twisting in other stuff into new lines because it does say in the book that we're free to go anywhere. So, you know that that people that have that are using and are are drinking, not using that are drinking are capable of going as long as we have a sufficient reason to be there, meaning maybe a wedding or maybe some kind of and I did what I needed to do and I left. I didn't sit there and steal vicarious pleasure at the bar.

Um, anyways, I started twisting around information in the book that I had been very high and moral about, and I started suiting it to fit my life. And so I'm I'm going to work spiritually and if I'm working spiritually then I'm free to occasionally have a drink. As a matter of fact, I'm a director now.

So I need to go to my boss's house and occasionally have a drink with him and that'll help my career and and you know I'm I'm I'm I'm so far I'm a different person. I got a different thing going on. Okay, that lasted about 9 months and uh it came back and the last six times I went out, Steve was with me on one of them.

Shut up, Steve. Um, oh, by the way, be careful who you hang out with in this program and who you're nice and not nice to. Okay.

Okay. Because I brought him back to his first meeting after he had some time. And when I went out some time, guess he brought me back to my first meeting.

So, you never know. in this room. By the way, >> 10 years ago, um I lost what I was saying.

Anybody? Anybody? Um raising a kid.

>> Yeah. Yeah. I got it going on.

So, um >> last six drinks. >> Last six drinks. Yeah.

I want to really forget about that. Thank you, Pete. >> All right.

So, the last time I went out, it it looked like this. Okay. I I have to go to a very important dinner function.

All my bosses and management are there, and I'm going to have a few drinks. It's a birthday party and leave because I'm already kind of doing some weird stuff. This drinking thing's starting to bubble up a little bit.

I'm going to show this time. I got it. And I went over to this and they had fireball.

>> Fireball tastes like cinnamon to me. I love cinnamon. >> I couldn't taste the alcohol.

It just tastes like a cinnamon drink. >> By the time I left, pe people were puking. Couples were fighting.

People were crying. I was never allowed in that house again. I was force-feeding people to drink.

The kid who was at the party, who shouldn't have even been at the I think he drank. Um I was never allowed in that house again. And I left that house feeling like these guys are lightweights, man.

Let's go to the bar. I mean, I'm ready to really do it now. Like these guys don't even get like and I'm already thinking about white stuff.

And suddenly I realized I had this moment of clarity and thank God for God. I had a moment of clarity like, "Yeah, I think you're off the tracks." Okay. >> And that was my last dream.

>> And I am blessed. I am grateful that that happened. Now, keep in mind, I'm 2 years out.

I'm still working a 10th and 11th step cuz I'm crazy. I'm still upon awakening, upon retiring. I have not stopped doing that for 30 years.

>> Yeah. I got to admit, I was lying to myself in some of that 11 stuff about, you know, who I owed amends to. And it might be a little fuzzy on who did what.

Um there might have been some stretching of my, you know, uh vision of God's will for me in 10, but but I was trying to do something. I mean, I was still working some of this. So God was still in my mind.

I never walked away from God. I never walked away from the legacy of Alcoholics Anonymous. I walked away from the week.

>> So when I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had went to look at a first step. I knew the problem. I had just failed the control test.

That one was pretty good. I think I I got that one out of the way. Check.

I knew God could bring me back to sanity if I did the actions to seek him. If I unblock myself from whatever that is. I I had experience with that.

I had decades of that. I watched my life go in a magical way with it. I lived a life of coincidences and just stuff beyond my wildest dreams.

Now I'm coming back into Alcoholics Anonymous. I just bought a pre-construction house. I have a brand new car.

It's the same year that of the year I'm in. I've got a director title at a job. I got reports who have reports.

I've got everything that I need. Yet, I was dead inside. And I was petrified cuz I knew I had unleashed a genie that if I didn't put that back in a bottle, I was done.

And thank God for that clarity cuz many of us do not come back. If you go out, do not think you're going to have an easy time getting back because you're hearing my story or because you're having thoughts. I got lucky.

I had fortunately stayed grounded in this thing enough and had enough a people still in my life just in case that when I pulled the rip cord, there was things there to land, you know, and I made it back at Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, working a first step after having 19 years is weird, right? Um, the biggest difference for me though was suddenly I could hear you guys talk again.

It was magical cuz when I left you guys were talking and I was like, you don't know what you're talking about. >> And suddenly you were talking and I heard God in your lives. >> Wow.

>> And I could hear what you were saying and I could see God shifting around things. And suddenly when I read the steps I started to see that we again. And it wasn't I admitted, it was we admitted.

And I suddenly remembered the power of we. And some of you guys didn't seem so crazy. You're all still crazy as hell, but but not as crazy.

And somewhere in that I saw again that I do not have the power to pull off my life on any front. My craziness is deep, man. I I I can sit and look at somebody on a park bench with one shoe and one boot and some jacket that don't fit and pants that belong to somebody else inside out and go, "Man, what's wrong with that guy?

Why does he keep drinking?" And if I stare at him long enough, I can think, "Wow, he's doing it wrong. Move over. Let me show you how to do that correctly." >> Because I have that kind of insanity.

>> And the scariest part of the whole show is I don't have the ability to stop that. that thing comes and grabs me by the back of the head and says, "It's time. >> I'm going." I can yell at myself, scream at myself, whatever.

I'm going. You know, there are times I was high before I even put it in me. >> I felt it.

I was good. Had to go to the bathroom some like I was I was on it. >> I had a psychological rea physiological reaction before I even put it in my body.

>> And I couldn't stop it. No matter what I wanted to do, how much I had to do, what was important, what wasn't important, I couldn't stop it. And so I need to remember when I'm working a first step that I'm seeking a power that can stop that.

That is the first step of recovery. And if I can get a hold of that and I can remember this is a we thing that I need you guys cuz I can't see God in me without you. If I can remember that this is about trying to help people, not enable them, I have a shot.

Right. Today I have a pretty magical life and most of that's because I have a sponsor who has a sponsor. I have sponsors who have sponsors who have sponsor 21 who occasionally have sponsies.

Right? So there's a sponsy sponsy sponses. I stay in this thing.

I stay grounded in this thing. I try to keep one hand on something that's filling the cup. As my sponsor says, I don't have a cup.

I have a thimble. Don't think you have a cup. He loves me.

Um, I try to keep my thimble full and uh and I try to dump, you know, give that out to the next guy and I keep trying to fill it and give it out. And if I do that, I get to have a magical life. You know, we'll get into this more as the weeks go on, but as a result of doing that kind of work, again, it gives me the last thing in the world I wanted, which was me comfortable inside of me.

And when I'm comfortable inside of me, all of a sudden, magical coincidence start to bombard my life in ways that don't even make sense. >> Jobs, relationships, opportunities, things start to flood into my life in ways that don't even make sense. And suddenly, I find myself in a completely different place with no idea how I got there.

Because not only does that first step power, that concession, that God power that keeps you sober, keep me from that thing grabbing me by the back of the head and saying it's time and pulling me into places I don't want to be. It also has the power to drive keep my life going when I'm in here cuz I come up with some other crazy ideas while I'm in here cuz I suddenly see stuff you have that I want to have or that I want to have. you think I'm somebody or why do you have that and I don't have that or why do they like you and I don't like me and why do they I I can come up with the craziest stuff and make my life uncomfortable.

I can come up with the most bizarre ways of you in the world. I can be completely absorbed in self in ways that make even a magical situation all about me completely uncomfortable. I could be in a room filled with gold and and and whatever it is my pleasure and be completely miserable because without that power, not only does it keep me from getting sober, it keeps me from being able to be comfortable inside of myself.

>> So when I'm working on first step, I'm really going back to the idea that I'm not comfortable being inside of me. >> I'm scared of success. I'm scared of failure.

>> I'm scared of having stuff. I'm scared of not having stuff. I'm scared of things working out.

I'm scared of things not working out. I can be scared of whatever it is that that's around me that's not currently in a moment. I can get caught up in the weirdest ways and I have driven my life into the weirdest directions thinking I had something to do with it.

The first step is all of that. Right? If I can concede that I just don't have the power to run my life and that my life will probably better be run by performing some actions that try to help other people and see how that energy is going in other people and helping them and trying to stay accountable to a vision with that and trying to do inventories and things to kind of check in to see how I'm doing with that.

I get to live an amazing life. You know, my ego much rather tell you when I got up here, I have 29 in the last 32 years because that sounds way cooler than I got 10 years and I kind of had some other and but I got to tell you, I've lived well over half my life in alcoholic homelessness. And the times that I have been able to adhere to that first step, the times I have been able to concede it and go seek a power based on that concession have been the most magical times of my life.

My life sometimes is ridiculous. My hobbies are I go take pictures of sharks underwater. I'm pretty good at it.

I post them a lot. Anybody sharks? I have a job when I want to have a job that more than supports me.

When things are stripped from my life, I'm okay with it. I'm comfortable because I know that if I live this life, coincidences are going to bombard it in ways where I'm going to be comfortable with myself. And no matter what, it's going to kind of work out.

And the gift of that all started with this idea that I can't run it and that something else can. And if I can truly hold on to that idea and run with it, sky's is the limit. The only time my life has gotten uncomfortable, the only time bad stuff starts to bombard it because I got an idea.

I come up with some great ones. Let me tell you about them. And it becomes a mesh show.

And it's usually not about giving. And it's usually about me taking stuff that I don't really need to impress people I don't like to put me in places I don't even need to be in >> with stuff that's junk at the end of the day. Like why is that even in my house?

>> Or I can do this. >> Hopefully you do, too. Uh we'll talk about step two next week.

Thanks. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.