Five Notebooks and Mud Puddle Prayers – AA Speaker – George S.
AA speaker George S. shares his story of hitting bottom, finding a sponsor, and working the steps with five notebooks of resentments. A raw account of transformation through Step 4 inventory and mud puddle prayers.
George S. from New Jersey came into AA broken—arrested multiple times, living in a town for years without knowing it, estranging his own children. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through how a tough-love sponsor named Joe took him through the Big Book line by line, had him fill five notebooks with his Fourth Step inventory, and changed his life through simple, direct action and mud puddle prayers.
George S. describes hitting a spiritual and emotional bottom when his four-year-old daughter didn’t recognize him and his fourteen-year-old son told him everything he consumed went up his nose, in his arm, or down his throat. His sponsor Joe had him work the steps intensively, starting with three steps in one night, then spending weeks filling five notebooks with his Fourth Step inventory of resentments and fears. George credits his sponsor’s no-nonsense approach—including kneeling in mud puddles to pray—with breaking his denial and teaching him that the disease is in the mind, not just the body, and that recovery requires daily action through sponsorship, inventory, and carrying the message to other alcoholics.
Episode Summary
George S. walks into the rooms thinking he can handle sobriety on his own. He reads the Big Book, decides it’s garbage, skips over all the parts about God and helping others, and leaves angry. But he doesn’t drink. By grace, he stays dry—but miserable—until his wife’s crisis becomes his turning point. When his wife asks for help getting into detox, he hits his knees and says a desperate prayer: God, do something with her or I’m going to kill her. That moment cracks something open.
He meets his sponsor—a gray-haired old-timer with what feels like ninety years of sobriety, a Big Book-thumping step Nazi who tells George exactly what kind of mess he is. George responds with “Yeah, but” every time, and his sponsor charges him five dollars. Ten dollars. The sponsor keeps meticulous track of every pushback, every rationalization, every lie George tells himself.
This is the beginning of something different. The sponsor doesn’t just take George through the steps—he takes him through them word by word, straight from the Big Book. When George hesitates on Step Three, the sponsor doesn’t negotiate. He opens the book, reads it aloud in the first person, and lets George hear his own story reflected back at him. Eight hours later, they go to a hospital meeting, and the sponsor makes four pots of coffee—high test, unleaded, water. He hands George the keys and says: you’re making coffee from now on until someone complains.
For Step Four, the sponsor hands George a thick spiral notebook and tells him to list everybody he knows, every place he’s ever been, every idea he thought was good. Two weeks to do it—no shorter, you’re lying; no longer, you’re procrastinating, and you’ll drink. George fills five notebooks. Not an exaggeration. When he gets to the third column—where he has to look at his own part—he stops and asks: “Now, you really want the truth on here?” His sponsor doesn’t charge him for that one. Just laughs.
The turning point comes one night when George calls his sponsor overwhelmed. He has so much garbage to get rid of, he can’t do this anymore. His sponsor says: come over after Jeopardy. They sit down, they get to the Third Step prayer, and the sponsor says: come on outside. We’re going to pray in God’s house. There’s a mud puddle outside. They kneel in it. The puddle is deeper than it looks. They pray the Third Step prayer. And for the first time, George feels free.
George had spent years thinking he could handle everything himself, that he was so smart, so grand, so wonderful. Working the steps with someone who wouldn’t let him lie changes everything. The relief he feels during his Fifth Step is more than any high he ever got from drugs. He floats home. An hour later, his sponsor calls: get your ass back over here. Because there’s more work to do.
Over the years, George learns that Step Four isn’t a one-time event. He’s still on his first Fourth Step. Things keep coming up. His sponsor teaches him that character defects aren’t emotions—it’s what you do with them. Getting angry at someone is fine if you use that anger constructively. George gets mad at his boss, buys tools to improve himself instead of lashing out. He learns the difference between being mean and being dishonest—when he was mean, he was really just being deceitful because he was out for one thing: George Smith and screw you.
He starts sponsoring others. His first sponsee is bigger, meaner, uglier than George, and nearly punches him. George takes him through the same steps his sponsor took him through, word for word, using the same approach. He becomes a sponsor who does wet twelve-step calls, who makes coffee at meetings, who hands out Big Books to newcomers to pay back a debt.
What George discovers is that this program isn’t really about not drinking. It’s about finding God—or you’re going to drink. And finding God means cleaning house, throwing out the garbage, doing the inventory, admitting what you’ve done, and then staying connected through daily action: prayer, inventory, sponsorship, service. His granddaughter, now ten years old, has never seen him drunk. She never has to.
Notable Quotes
I drank for a hell of a lot of years, and I don’t remember too much of it. And when I did come to, I was either in a jail, in a hospital, or in an alley, or a dumpster, or God knows where.
The disease is in the mind of the alcoholic—it centers in his mind rather than his body. Your mind tells you that it’s okay, you can handle it. Your life’s all right. And what happens? Well, I have a lot in half. I drink it too.
He says, ‘Well, that’s for your next one.’ What do you mean I got to do more? He says, ‘Yes. You’re only going to do one fourth step in your life. But the rest of your life, you’re still going to be doing the same damn fourth step.’
I asked God to remove my shortcomings. My shortcomings are things basically the things of which I grieve. I could rationalize anything. And buddy, that’s all I gave people is the rational lies.
I found God today. When I cleaned house in my fourth step and I took and threw that garbage out in the fifth step and the sixth step. He was under all that garbage that I kept trying to hide.
There is a God and it’s not me, thank God.
Sponsorship
Hitting Bottom
Step 3 – Surrender
Big Book Study
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Sponsorship
- Hitting Bottom
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Big Book Study
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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>> Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-sunrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> >> Why do you always look at me when you say these people are sick?
I resemble that remark. That's why I looked at you. Oh.
I am definitely sick. Thank you, God. Good evening.
My name is George Smith, and I am definitely an alcoholic. Uh briefly recap. I drank for a hell of a lot of years, and I don't remember too much of it.
And when I did come to, all my memory came back to me, I was either in a jail, in a hospital, or in an alley, or a dumpster, or God knows where. When I finally did put the drink down, I found out that I have a wife, two kids, a job, and I'm living in the town for over 2 years, and I didn't even know it. Uh Took a long time to take and hit my bottom spiritually and fully emotionally.
Because I suffer from a disease in the mind and of the body, and as long as I put the alcohol in my body, I didn't care about anything or anybody. I didn't care what I had to take and do to get it. Whether I had to hurt you, or you were going to hurt me, whether or not.
Whatever was going to happen was going to happen. I was going to get high. That's all that mattered.
I didn't give a damn about anybody or anything, including myself. Because that's what I needed. I needed that drink.
I wanted that drink. Because I wasn't hurting anybody or anything. Till Christmas Day, 1984, when I found out what kind of a schmuck I really was.
When I pushed my my 4 4-year-old daughter, because I didn't even recognize her. And my 14-year-old son told me he did my first my first fourth step for me. Because he told me everything I did, either went up my nose, in my arm, or down my throat, and anything left over went to the courts, and nothing ever went to the house.
And he walked out of my life. I didn't come into AA right away because the the simple fact is that I thought I could handle this, I could do it myself, and I hadn't read the I got a copy of the big book, I read it, and I thought it was a bunch of garbage. Skipped over all the parts that thought about God, higher power, spirituality, or helping others, or doing anything else, you know, that I do today willingly, gladly, and freely.
And I didn't do a damn thing. I went to a couple meetings, heard about God, told them where they could put their God, their cycle God, and when I walked out, but I didn't drink. It was only by the grace of God that I know today kept me sober, kept me dry, kept me from drinking.
Because I was not I was not sober. Maybe according to Webster's definition of sobriety, I had sobriety. Without alcohol and or mind or mood-altering substances.
Yeah, I was sober, but I wasn't a happy happy camper, I think that's the term. Until one day I said a possible prayer for my wife. God, do something with that.
Because if she's drunk, I'm going to kill her. She asked for help, and I took put her in a detox got her to a detox, walked out, hit my knees, and said, "Thank you." Because God could do for me what I couldn't do for myself, and I haven't looked back to this day. I don't look too far into the future.
I don't look into the future at all because God knows what's going to be in store for me because I don't. Because if I did, I'd probably screw it up. Because I'd want to control it.
Because I wanted to control everything when I was out there. I came into my first AA meeting, and I met this gray-haired old dude that had like 900 years more time than God. He was an old AA big book thumping step Nazi.
And he told me what kind of schmuck I was. And I take and say, "Yeah, but." And he goes, "That's $5." "You don't understand." "That's $10." "What are you going to do with all this money?" "Don't worry about it. You'll know when the time comes." I'm still paying him what today.
He's been hasn't been my sponsor for quite a few years, unfortunately, because he had a stroke. I'm very hard on sponsors. My first sponsor, I gave a stroke to.
My second sponsor died on me. And now I got a sponsor that's younger than me, but he's crazier than me, so I don't really care. But it's okay.
All this money that he collected at my house, he took me through the steps kicking, screaming, and bitching. I told her right to make sure that a newcomer doesn't leave the room without a big book. That's where the money goes.
And I do that with the people I sponsor. When I first came in, I like to I'm I'm keeping this simple because the program had to be presented to me in a very simple way. My first sponsor, he asked me, he says, "Nick, first of all," he says, "we're going to go through step three." I said, "What about one and two?" He says, "Well, could you quit drinking when you started?" "No." "Was your life unmanageable?" "Well, I Did you ever get arrested?
Did you ever get in a fight? Did you ever have a blackout? Did you ever get a trap a DWI?" "17 of my New Jersey driver's licenses in the state of New Jersey alone?
Yeah, I think I might have had a DWI, but that was unmanageability." But that's all I could comprehend of what unmanageability was at the time. And he says, "God opened the door for you when you came in this room tonight. And we are a power greater than you." That was plain and simple.
"You non-drinking drunk were a power greater than I." So I figured all the people in the room could be my higher power. He told me, "No. You must find God." And I proceeded to tell him $25 worth of fines for what he could do with his God.
This guy had no sense of humor. I loved him. And uh he says, "But this is a God-given program." And I do believe that today.
God gave us this program. I'm very passionate about this program because the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has saved my life. It may make a few people mad because, you know, hey, you know, they they got to put up with me.
Because I'm still a groggy, miserable alcoholic at times, but it's okay. Thank God for the 10th and 11th step. You know?
I did my first two steps that night because I knew I could never drink again. And I know that you people had what I wanted, and you were willing to help me. At least this old guy was.
And I figured he would take me through the steps, and I'd be okay, and I'd go back out drinking, and you know, doing what I needed to do. You know, I'm party hearty and all that. Well, Sunday morning, he got he got a hold of me, and we sat down, and we went over opened the big book.
And we proceeded to take and go over the word for word in that big book, step three. And in doing so, he never said you. He never said anything but I.
Though I know he was talking to me, about me, because that was me. I could see the insanity of this disease, the mental insanity of this disease of alcoholics alcoholism. I could see where where I was egotistical, self-centered, and every other way.
And then I not want to hear that. And I told him like, "No, I'm not like that." And he just go $5. He kept He kept very good track of it.
Because I didn't want to admit this. I did not want to admit that I had an had this illness. You know, I always thought I was so great and so grand and so wonderful, so sweet and kind and generous and all that good stuff.
And at the times I was kind at the times I was generous at the times I was caring and all that. But in reality as the next line says at other times we were mean, selfish and a whole bunch of other things. And you know something?
When I was mean I was really being dishonest. I was being deceitful. I was being all those things.
Because I was only out for one simple little thing. I was out for to get what I wanted. I was out for George Smith and screw you.
Because I wanted I needed and that's all that mattered. And after we got done going through this 8 hours later he took me over to the hospital where the meeting was and he proceeded to make four large coffee pots of coffee. Two high test, one unleaded, and one one full of water.
And he threw me the keys and he says, "I hope you were watching because last night you didn't like the coffee I made it. So from now on you're making it. Get busy.
And you don't give it up until somebody about the coffee." I have great sympathy for the free whole Saturday Sunday night group because I'll tell you I I could make lousy coffee. One night somebody come in and I thought I made a real good pot of coffee and they go, "What is this taste lousy?" And I said, "You got it." And I wound up sponsoring that poor schmuck. Yeah.
Yeah. The steps in the beginning were very simple for me. After I did the third step I thought I was okay, I can handle it.
I'm cured. I know self-knowledge. I think it says something about self-knowledge in the big book.
Bill Wilson talks about it, I think. I didn't go pounding on the bar like Bill. Cuz my sponsor he says that thought you're thinking is just a That's $20.
He says, "Now we're going to get down to the root of the problem." I said, "Well, alcohol is my problem." He says, "Alcohol was your problem." Step one. The solution for that was to trust into a higher power. Step two.
And the course of action was step three, to make that decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of a God. He says "Don't worry about the drink. Now we got to worry about the think." Ooh.
"What do you mean?" "Well, the disease is in the mind of the of the alcoholic centers in his mind rather than his body." "Well, I only think about drinking?" "You You are drunk before you pick the drink up." Duh. "What do you mean?" And he proceeded to tell me. He says, "Your mind tells you that it's okay.
You handle You can handle it. Your life's all right." "Yeah." "And what happens? Well, I have a lot in half.
I drink it, too." $15. Cuz I never had two drinks. No, I always had one drink two drink too many drinks, but that was about it.
You know. And I know today if I ever went out I'd only have two drinks, the Budweiser brewery and the Jack Daniel's distillery. You know.
So we sat down after that the second meeting on that night and we started to go over step four. Line line word for word. This guy here like he you know Yeah.
He goes hands me a notebook one of these big thick spiral pounds and he says "Just list everybody you know. Every place you've ever been, worked or thought about going. Every idea or principle that you've ever What's Anything that you took and thought that like was a good idea.
Just list it." I said, "Yeah, all right." And I did that. He says, "By the way, you got 2 weeks to do this." And he says, "Any shorter than that you're lying and any longer than that you're procrastinating. And any any longer than that you are going to get drunk.
Plain and simple. You don't do a fourth you're going to drink a fifth." "Not me. I'm going to stay sober forever." $10.
I mean this This guy was very you know like I mean he had all the answers. He had answers to questions that I didn't even know that I had. Or if he asked me a question and I before I answered he says, "You're lying." And he charged me.
I mean this guy was I says, "God." And I thank God that he did. I thank God this guy was on my case. Beside Besides the fact going to meetings he turn around and he go Well, uh "There's a good meeting up in Matawan which is few miles away." He says, "I'll see you there." "Well, how am I going to get there?
You got your booze you can get to the meeting." "Don't worry about getting home. When you get home you get When you're ready to go home you can get a You will get your ride." He says, "Okay." And you know he was right. He'd get me going to meetings.
And he goes when when I got got up there he says, "All right now you stand outside this meeting and greet everybody." "Huh? This ain't my home group." "Don't worry about it. You do it at every meeting you go to." The end of the meeting he says, "Put the chairs away." Okay.
And I did I did everything that this man told me. Because it says, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." Now this guy had me so mad I'm going to take everything he he says and I'm going to prove him wrong. You know something?
I'm still trying to prove him wrong. Because I love this guy. I was really blessed by by this guy.
And he had a wife that was You ever hear of good cop bad cop? Well, they used to be old Joe and his wife Mary. Gravely Mary.
Because if he'd miss a point she'd pick it up. Yes. But as I was going through the with meetings with with him every night I we're going through the big book every night.
Cuz by the time I got done with my first step we had gone through the big book. He also had me there with the dictionary from 1925 looking up all the words to make sure I understood what they meant. Because I didn't understand any of this stuff.
I was such a genius I thought I knew everything. And I found out I really didn't know anything about staying sober, about living life. I put down all the my resentments.
He says, "When you get done with the whole list you take and you start a new page and just list everybody." And I I went through five I went through five of those notebooks. No no exaggeration. I I had to.
He says, "If you If the person comes to your mind put him down." You know. And if you have a question, ask it. Now, I had a series of questions because I didn't know what I was doing.
I got to the to the middle of all the columns, got to that third column, and I figured, well, Mhm. Now, you really want the truth on here? That was a freebie.
He didn't charge me for that one. He just laughed. I guess.
And I did. I put everything down, and I went through. I found out my fears.
I found out my insecurities, and he made me inventory even on those. I mean, this guy was One night, I called him up, and I says, "Joe, I can't I I just can't do this anymore." He says, "Why?" I says, "I got I got I got I got so much garbage I got to get rid of, but he says, 'Well, come on come on over right after Jeopardy.'" I says, "Thank you." I'm a Jeopardy freak, and so was he. Went over to his house.
Oh, I don't know I mean, I think I I tried a little bit. We did the third step. We got to the third step prayer.
We were writing like hell, and there was a big mud puddle outside, and he says, "Come on outside. We're going to go pray in God's house." Cuz you don't pray to God in God's in man's house. The guy you pray to God in God's house to God.
And we went outside in this puddle. It didn't look that big, but I found out how deep it was. Because he and I knelt in that puddle.
And we prayed. We did the third step prayer. And it meant so much.
I actually I felt free. Thank God he got me right into my fourth step. Now, he only lived maybe a couple hundred yards from where I lived.
And I went over went over there, and I'm thinking I got my notebooks, and I'm my big book, and I'm ready to go, and I'm walking real fast. And each step got faster, you know? And I finally get to the door, and I go, "He's not" "Hi, Joe.
How are you?" He opened the door. He knew me then. You know?
He says, "Come on in." And he yells, "The coffee pot's hot." And she disappeared. And I said, "Joe, I have no idea what I'm doing." But if this is going to help me not drink, please help me. Cuz I didn't want to drink.
And he told me a little bit. He spoke a little bit. I spoke a little bit.
And we went back and forth. And I learned more about this man. And I learned more about me.
And about life. And about my feelings and my emotions. And I cried, and I laughed, and I was horrified.
And I was happy. I was everything. And I was everything that I always wanted to be.
Free. You know, one of the promises is the third step is is we'll be able to look the world in the eye. And for the first time in my life, I'm going to trust another human being.
You know, step two says trust in a higher power. Step five is asking me to trust another human being with God's help. Admitted to ourselves, to God, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
And I told that man things that I would never tell anybody. But as I was telling him, you know, the weight just fell from me. I mean, it says we are delighted.
Delighted hell, man. That promise it was more than that. I felt relief.
You know? I really felt that there was a God. And he kept kept and would save me.
I truly understood for the first time how the unmanageabilities that I learned about in step three controlled my every thought, word, and action. When I went through that step with my sponsor. It may not be like that for everybody.
You know, the relief that I felt, the joy that I felt. But man, I'll tell you what, I never felt that high from any drug or substance that I ever took because man, I floated home. I floated home.
An hour later, my phone rang, and he says, "Get your ass back over here." Yes, Joe. Because I did. I took my big book down.
And I went over to to his five proposals. I went over the first five. I did them to the best of my ability, but I even told him what I was doing.
And I says, "Joe, there's so much more coming into my mind about things that I've left off my fourth step." He says, "Well, that's for your next one." What do you mean I got to do more? He says, "Yes." He says, "You're only going to do one fourth step in your life." But the rest of your life, you're still going to be doing the same damn fourth step. And you know something, he's right.
I'm still on my first fourth step after all this time. Because things keep coming up. Things keep coming up.
And the solution to my problem with with the world was my sixth step. To get rid of my character defects. My character It isn't my emotions that were wrong.
It isn't the feelings that I had. It's what I did with them. There's nothing wrong with getting angry at somebody provided you use that anger in a constructive way.
You know? I like the My my my boss shows around. And he bought bunch of new tools one time.
And I'm using some beat the hell stuff. And he goes, "I'm mad." He goes, "Well, why don't you buy some?" If I hadn't been mad enough, I wouldn't have bought tools off the Snap-on man when he came. I went out and bought some tools off the Snap-on man.
I'm on a first name basis with my Snap-on dealer because I've been I owe him more money than than anything else, but that's okay cuz I'm still buying tools. But it was I got mad at somebody, and I did something constructive with it. Rather than lashing out, I did something to improve myself.
I saw the defect in me. I needed something to see something that I needed corrected, and I worked on it, and I'm still working on it. You know?
It's what we do with our anger. You know, I And if I was drinking, I probably would have punched my boss in the in the side of the head, you know? But I don't do those things anymore.
You know? I see a good-looking woman. What do I do?
Take it home to the old lady, you know, like, "Hey, honey. Love you truly." But you know, I I do things differently now. Cuz by the time I get home with my age, I get home and it's like, "Well, Yeah, honey, there was something I wanted to tell you." But it's okay.
I don't remember what it was. She says, "Don't worry about it." But if I do remember, she says, "Don't worry about it." Oh, this program's great because I probably would have gotten angry at her and killed her, but today I just laugh about it, you know? Things are okay today.
Well, anyway, we went back, and I did the And we went over to our sixth and sixth step that I tried making motor out of without sand. No. I'm trying just trying to do the best I can.
And again, it was a rainy night. And he says, "Come on, let's go." And it was cold. And guess what?
There was another big mud puddle. That guy could find mud puddles in the middle of the Sahara Desert. I swear to God.
And I knelt in that. You know, I asked God to remove my shortcomings. My shortcomings are things Basically, the things of which I do grieve.
You know, why I do the things that I used to do. Why did I get angry? Get rid of all that stuff.
Why did I take them to rip you off? You know, all the rational lies that I had. I could rationalize anything.
And buddy, that's all I gave people is the rational lies. We get all done, we stand up, and he looks at me and he says, "Now, Ron, get yourself a sponsee so you can work the program." And I did. Took a while.
Took a couple wet 12-step calls to go out and do it. I was make made my first wet 12-step call with 65 days. I celebrated my 90th day in the in the fellowship in the Monmouth County jail carrying a message.
At 128 days, I 125 128 days, I got my first sponsee. And how did I What did I do with him? I stood there and told him my story.
Explained it as simple as Joe told me his. And this guy was bigger, meaner, and uglier than I am. And I thought I was going to get get living daylights punched out of me.
Damn near did. And he bitched about the quality. Guess what?
Got rid of that coffee cuz I thanked you, God. You know, and I took him through a step. Told him we were going to go through step three.
He said, "Well, what about one and two?" And I did the same thing what Joe did with me. You have trouble to stop drinking? Could you stop drinking?
No. Cuz you're a powerless over alcohol. Do you ever get arrested?
And he goes, "No." Do you ever get a DWI? No. Uh uh um Do you ever have a fight with your wife?
Yeah. You know, I went home that night like after I got done with talking to him, I went home, called up Joe. And Joe said, "Now you're going to work the program." You know, because today these steps as I've gone through with other people cuz every time I take somebody through the steps, I go through the steps.
I have to. It's the only way for me. You know, step three is my life story in many ways.
Yeah, I'd be nice to my wife and say, "Yeah, let's go over to your mother's." And my wife didn't particularly like her mother, so you know, it was fine because as soon as we left, we went to the bar. You know, I always told my kids, "Come on, I'll take take you to the store." I told them I'd buy them an ice cream, and I'd turn around and sat in the bar all day. This wasn't I being a nice father.
You know, that's the way I thought. That's the way I acted. You know, oh, I'll help you work on your car if you're going to buy the booze.
Yeah. So, it's going to take a couple three days to work on your car. Well, it's a little more complicated than I thought, you know, like uh the you know, and that's the way I was.
But I'm not that way anymore today. Today, I make my If I say I'm going to do something, to the best of my ability, I'll do it. You know, I still do the same things I used to do.
But today, I'm up front why I'm doing it. When I get somebody I'm going to sponsor, I tell them I'm going to take I'll take you through the steps because I need to go through I need to learn, and you're going to teach me. Because I learn from the people I sponsor.
I learn from the people that are around me. Are these steps going to help me? I don't think I'm the same person today that I walked that walked into these rooms.
Do I have a lot more to go? Yeah. I used I said I go through with my the people I sponsor or even with the person I have as a sponsor today.
It's basically every time we talk, it's damn near always a fifth step. Because something's always coming up. I got shanghaied into this because my sponsor said that oh, we're going up to um the Wilson House.
We went up to the Wilson No, my sponsee turned around and said, "Oh, you want to go to the Wilson House?" I says, "Okay." And so we went up to the Wilson House to hear somebody speak. And my sponsor was up there, and he goes, "Have you ever been on any wet 12-step calls?" I had old Joe as a sponsor. I've been on hundreds of them.
No, I've been on about 15 to 20 of them. And I'm in the wet 12-step calls where you're taking you sit there and you sit on the guy's chest and keep them from drinking. You give them a little bit of beer or booze to take and keep them from DTing.
But that's the way it was back when I came in. You know, you took them to the uh to the rehab after you could get up and stand up and walk. You know, cuz we did things like that.
And if somebody starts spouting stuff off in the meetings, you're taking him and you say, "Hey, man, not in the book." Joe said it was a it's it's a map. I wrote my my life, my future cuz there are two futures in that book for me. I wrote this book on this walk of beer.
It could take and be death, jails, and institutions if I pick up that first drink. Or it could be a joyous, happy, and free. You know, God only knows what's going to happen beyond that.
You know, I walk these steps today a little bit differently than I used to. Today, I work them with a greater depth than when I first came in because when I first came in, I couldn't understand what unmanageability was. Today, I look at the problem and I can see what I'm doing.
But something's not right, and I'll sit down and I'll take it right on it. I'll talk to the people around me. And I'm not afraid to take a hit, you know.
If if you're sitting outside the door after a meeting and I got something I want to talk about, you're going to listen. You know, and if you don't like it, you better be talking to a newcomer because if you're not, I am. You know, because that's what keeps me sober today.
I'm not afraid to take him talk to the newcomer and sit there and just dump dump the first step on him, and he'll turn around and say, "Wow, man, I wasn't that bad, but I can identify." You know, but thanks for listening. Give me a call. Turn around, do the steps, you know.
You know, it works. It works because I'm not sober by anything that I've done. I'm not sober by any thought that I have.
It's only by action. And as Joe said, more action and more action. I still make coffee.
I still My second sponsor I had, he was an old mother old guy, an old-timer. Everywhere you went, he was the first one you met. He greeted at every meeting he went to.
He made coffee at every meeting he went to. And he taught me patience and tolerance because he could put up with me. He says, "Ron, I'll take you through the steps, and I don't want to listen to you.
But every problem I have, and he goes, "What What are you going to do about it?" And if I hadn't had a piece of paper in my pocket to give him an answer, he'd hand me a piece of paper and a pen. He says, "Ain't it a victory?" That was all dead. Yeah.
Yeah. And he'd go anywhere, anyplace, anytime to help another alcoholic. He was another old-time hard ass.
But I'll tell you what, these people, they taught me one important thing. I used to laugh at everybody and your little silly the problems you had. I thought everybody else in this world was the biggest joke.
You know what the funniest thing in this world is? Me trying to think. And if you really want to take and laugh at I found that the best thing to laugh at is myself.
So if you ain't got anything to laugh at, you can always laugh at me, you know. You know, it's it's okay. Because life's all right today.
Life's pretty good. Why? Because I keep doing what I need to do.
And what do I need to do? I need to keep writing that that lousy inventory. I'm still going over some of the stuff.
I look at my first inventory and I'm saying, "This isn't right." It isn't right. But at the time it was as right as I could have made it. And I believed it the way I perceived it.
Last week I spoke about a Christmas tree. That Christmas tree at that was at that house when I came came out of the rehab, the Charlie Brown tree. My wife hates when I tell that story.
Because I've seen pictures of that Christmas tree. And it was a beautiful tree. And there was stuff underneath it.
But I couldn't see it. And I got to remember. I can't see anything.
With a closed mind. A closed heart. You know.
I have to open it up to God and God lets me know what is what. Do I always do these things? Am I a perfect AAer?
Am I working 100% by the big book? Hell no. Somebody else I just asked me well, you know, how long have I been sober?
I think I said like since Monday morning or Tuesday afternoon, something like that. Cuz I had a kid at work and I wanted to punch the daylights out of him. The kid got under my skin.
It took me a little while to get over this. To take and see where I can still screw up. I'm not a perfect angel.
I don't walk on water. You know. I hope you two are laughing with me.
The one I sponsored and the other one I 12 stepped. And they're still coming around. But you know.
But the thing is life is okay today. You know, I'm not perfect. And when people tell me, "You know, George, you're screwed up." I got to listen to them.
Cuz 99% of times out of 100 they're right. You know. Right from the very beginning my sponsor says, "Well, try looking at all the things you're doing wrong in a day." I said, "I'd be doing inventory all night." He says, "No, you can just look at what you did wrong for the day and try to correct it." You know.
I didn't realize what he was saying. You know what he was telling me to do? 10 and 11 right from the beginning.
You know, and the great intel- intellectual wisdom model wonderful person that I thought I was. I tried to think myself into living right. You know, I used to be a royal pain in the ass.
He says, "Just do the right thing." Just do what you're supposed to do. He goes, "Think about what you're doing. And your first thought's going to be wrong.
He says, "Then think a little bit more. And you better be thinking call your sponsor." And I used to call him every name under the sun. But I'll tell you what.
He put up with me. I probably only have a million dollars. I I don't know if he's charging interest, but I'm still paying off the principal.
I'm still giving out big books. I'm still doing all the things that he told me to do today. You know.
Why? Because every time I go into those jails or the detox about me and that book comes out and I write more. Yeah, I do a lot of inventory writing.
Why? Because I keep learning about me. Every time I get a new pigeon.
You know, a new sponsee or whatever you want to call another sucker to drag through the steps. You know. They have to They have to sit down and they have to listen to me.
As they're dumping their stuff out, I'm dumping stuff out. And you know, it never fails. I don't know if they get anything out of it.
I get another day of sobriety. A little bit more happy. You know.
This program just might work. I try to take and do it do it as best I can. The first time I take somebody through that, I take it try to do it as simple as I can.
You know, that first step today. Powerless over alcohol. Yeah.
I still think about it. There's times I go to the restaurant and that person has that little drink, you know, I want to choke them because they don't They have a drinking problem. They don't know how to drink.
You know, listen the other day and night their glass is empty. You know, and I would have I mean it's so half full. Mine would have been empty a long about four bottles laying there on the floor, you know.
I can't do that. Since I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous have not had that I don't go I go to an Italian restaurant with my my wife and granddaughter like Italian food, but I don't. I used to go for the wine.
You know. But it's okay. I've been in bars.
I walked in there and people that I've sponsored were sitting there and they walk I walked in and said, "Doing okay?" And they've walked out with me. I've gone into those places. Why?
Because the book tells me I can. I need to. I need to do these things.
Because God's on my side today if I do his work his will. See, God will provide me with everything I want. A clear head.
An open heart. And a conscience. He hasn't given me the million dollar car or a house or the yacht or anything else.
But as long as I do his work, he'll give me what I need. He gave me today. I don't feel it what I'm going to do with it yet, but I'm going to tell you what.
I'm going to take and tell like how to stay sober. And like I said, it's a pretty damn good day. My body hurts like hell, but you know.
I think that's a case of paying the fiddler back. You know. The old expression if I knew I was going to live this long, I wouldn't have done the things that I did so I wouldn't feel the way I did.
Man, if I didn't I know if I was going to live this long, I wouldn't have done them harder so I wouldn't feel this way today because I want to be around. If I go have another drink, I probably wouldn't be. Maybe that's why God's keeping me here.
You know, I thought this whole program was about not drinking. But an old timer said, "Find God or you're going to get drunk." I tried. I don't know.
I spent all my life trying to take and get my together and you know. Well, I ain't going to smoke dope today. I'm I want to get my act together.
I'm not going to drink bourbon. I'm going to get drink a quart today cuz I want to get things together with me and my wife together. And I kept putting all this stuff stashing and shoving it.
You know. I found God today. When I cleaned house when I in my fourth step and I took and threw that garbage out in the fifth step and the sixth step.
You know something? I found God. He was under all that garbage that I kept trying to hide.
Trying to get together. As I dig down, I find glimpses of them. I haven't found them yet.
But I know he's there. I see the little glimpses of them. With the smile on a newcomer's face.
When his face turns from desperation to hope. When you see that glimmer in their eye by working the steps. When you reach out you know, to see that person, God is there.
He's under all that garbage that I tried to keep for all those years. There is a God. And I learned one thing, there is a God and it's not me, thank God.
And how do I keep in touch? I hit my knees, I say my prayers. This program taught me how to pray.
Old Joe says, "I don't care what you pray to, just as long as you don't pray to and for yourself." He don't want you to pray for it. I mean, I can't pray for money? And he says, "Don't bother trying to pray for looks because that's a lost cause." I mean, this guy was very sympathetic He was nasty.
But I loved him. Cuz he saved my life. And he told me why he was doing it.
So he wouldn't drink. Wow, plain and simple. I was a greedy SOB.
I would do anything for you just as long cuz I knew I was going to get everything from you. The receipt tells me that. Now, I'll do everything that you want or need to do to help you stay sober.
Why? So I'm going to be up front, I'm going to stay sober. I'm not being greedy.
I'm being happy. Because it's You know, I'm just paying back a debt. I give out big books to newcomers to pay back a debt.
I try to pay people through these steps to pay back a debt. I said earlier, I don't know if I belong in AA or not. I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not because my mind keeps telling me I'm not, but I'll tell you what, I've had more fun than AA than I ever had out there.
So I'm going to keep coming to make your lives miserable. You know? But it's different.
Life is better than me today. I could go on with about how these steps have changed my life. I'm here.
I'm sober. I'm alive. I can stand up.
I haven't fallen down today. And I haven't hugged the porcelain mama in a long time. You know?
It's a miracle. And the biggest thing biggest thing I could take and say today is that just before I came here, my granddaughter gave me a kiss. She's 10 years old, never seen me drunk.
Never has to see me drunk. This one kid here sitting in the front row in the front of the room when I was celebrating 18 year uh that was 18 years, 17, whatever. When I last time I celebrated, whenever the hell that was, he comes up and hands him my granddaughter and he says, "She never has to see you drunk." You know, it's the truth.
Why? Because I admitted I'm I'm an alcoholic. You people help me.
You know? My life is so much better. I do my inventories, make my decision, turn my will and life back over to care of God.
And over to the care of God and over because I keep forgetting who and what I am. I know who I am. My name is George Smith.
What I am, I'm an alcoholic. My disease tells me I'm not. You know?
So I don't know if you're getting anything out of this. I hope you are. All I know is I'm here tonight to take and say I love you.
God bless you. Please keep coming. You know?
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