Sober Sunrise – Harvey J. – Los Angeles, CA – 2006
Harvey J. from Los Angeles shares his 9-year recovery journey. An AA speaker tape on moving from self-obsession, deception, and drinking to gratitude, spiritual connection, and a life beyond imagination.
Harvey J. from Los Angeles spent three decades drinking in secret—hiding bottles behind books, wrapping empties as gifts, storing vodka in a sealed bathtub—while telling himself he wasn’t like other alcoholics. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through how a chance meeting with a friend in the program led him to a Robertson Originals meeting, where he finally recognized himself in another person’s emotions and found his way home to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Harvey J. describes three decades of hidden drinking, deception, and spiritual emptiness despite outward success, and how one meeting showed him he wasn’t alone. He explores how working the steps, finding a sponsor, and building genuine connections in AA transformed his marriage, his relationship with his sons, and his sense of self-worth. As a sober member of nearly 9 years, Harvey explains how gratitude, acceptance of powerlessness, and service to others have given him the peace of mind he once thought impossible.
Episode Summary
Harvey J. opens with a striking observation: the small things in sobriety—knowing where his car is parked, remembering where he slept, clean clothes—bring him more joy than the grand achievements of his drinking years. This AA speaker meeting explores how he spent decades constructing false identities to earn love and approval, a pattern that set the stage for alcoholism long before he ever picked up a drink.
Born in London during World War II to an observant Jewish family, Harvey describes a childhood of genuine warmth and safety. Yet even that foundation couldn’t shield him from a deep-seated belief that he was unworthy of love unless he became someone different for each person he met. By his teens, he realized he had no authentic self—he was a chameleon, a fraud. When he moved to New York at 19, this hunger for adoration led him to pursue careers and relationships built entirely on the need to be admired by strangers.
The drinking didn’t start until his late twenties, but Harvey was already an alcoholic in spirit. What began as wine at a California dinner party—a moment when he felt too intimidated to speak, so he numbed himself instead—became his solution. For thirty years, he drank not every day, but obsessively. He wasn’t a “common drunk,” he tells himself, but his drinking was worse.
What follows is a raw account of hidden drinking: the careful choreography of visiting three different liquor stores to avoid suspicion, the beer bottles as cover while vodka filled his shoulder bag, the pried-open bathtub in his study eventually holding dozens of empty bottles discovered by his wife and father. Throughout it all, his wife stayed. His two sons grew up watching his face at dinner, never knowing who would emerge from his study. Harvey recalls the look of fear in their eyes, the disappointment in his wife’s gaze—wounds he carries and can only attempt to heal through living amends.
He worked in entertainment, traveling the world, yet every location brought the same obsession: where could he drink without being watched? Even opportunities to work with legendary directors became secondary to his relationship with alcohol. He wasn’t losing jobs or homes or health (beyond shaking and constant dread), but he was losing something far more precious—his soul and his self-respect.
The turning point came after a particularly brutal drunk, passed out on the study floor. He called his closest friend, an AA member named Robert Litman, with a thin pretext: he needed to research an AA meeting for a script. That Sunday morning on the corner of Pico and Robertson, his friend hugged him and said, “You don’t know how lucky you are not to be an alcoholic like me.” Harvey thought he wasn’t one either.
Then he walked into that first meeting. A woman shared her story. The details weren’t his, but every emotion—the fear, the shame, the desperation—struck him as identical to his own experience. Tears streamed down his face. He was home.
From that day forward, Harvey immersed himself in the program. He got a sponsor, joined a home group, worked the steps with focus, and found in the Wednesday night men’s stag at Roxbury a fellowship of men who became his lifeblood. These men faced obstacles with smiles and spirituality, caring only about helping someone else. In their embrace—physical and spiritual—Harvey learned what service truly meant.
One year sober, Harvey and his youngest son opened a rare books shop that had been a pipe dream. The shop succeeded not because of their talent, but because they applied the principles of honesty, kindness, and service they learned in the rooms. Harvey points out flaws in books to customers not because he’s virtuous, but because the program taught him that dishonesty is spitting in God’s face—and he can’t repay God’s mercy that way.
Nine years sober, Harvey describes waking with joy beyond happiness, a state of ecstasy. His marriage has become blissful. His sons call constantly and want to spend time with him. His insomnia vanished; he sleeps like a baby. Most importantly, he has peace of mind—the one thing he assumed was unattainable.
This talk is not about dramatic legal troubles or losing everything material. It’s about losing and recovering the invisible things: dignity, honesty, spiritual connection, and the ability to love without condition or performance. Harvey’s message is quiet but certain: God brought him into these rooms, the program saved his life, and his only job now is to stay sober and help another alcoholic.
Notable Quotes
I used to be only grateful for the big things. I realize now that wasn’t happiness—it was self-gratification. Today it’s the small things that give me such joy. These clothes have never seen vomit.
For thirty years I drank that booze until the booze drank me. I didn’t lose material things, but I lost the one thing that’s so very crucial and precious—I lost all self-respect and I lost my soul.
Every time I picked up a bottle, I was spitting in the face of God. I was saying to God, ‘I don’t want what you’ve given me.’
In that meeting, this woman’s experiences weren’t the same as mine, but the emotions she expressed were identical to mine. The tears streamed down my cheeks. I knew I was home.
I wake up in the morning with joy—it’s beyond happiness. I am in a state of ecstasy. I have nothing but rampant enthusiasm for this life, all based upon this life-saving program.
Some of us see the miracle, some of us don’t. There’s a guy whose dog walks on water to retrieve ducks, and his friend says, ‘Your dog can’t swim.’ We choose what we see.
Sponsorship
Spiritual Awakening
Acceptance
Honesty
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Hitting Bottom
- Sponsorship
- Spiritual Awakening
- Acceptance
- Honesty
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker thank you good evening everybody my name is Harvey Jason and I am a very grateful alcoholic har thank God for my sobriety today and a chance to live in a decent way I thank God for the gift of life thank God for the gift of this life and I thank God for bringing me to you and for giving you all to me and showing me what the promise of a beautiful life can be I want to um especially thank the amazing Dave barge wherever he may be he’s everywhere so I don’t know where he is at this particular moment but I I want to thank him um for everything he is uh an absolutely amazing and unbelievable man and and a perfect example of Alcoholics Anonymous at its best thank you for the great honor of inviting me here to share with you Dave I also want to thank my host for his warmth and generosity Al it’s it’s a pleasure and I thank you I’m sorry you never got to show me around La which I really wanted but he refused but but but but thank you thank you anyway I want to thank Chris and in fact the entire committee um for their hospitality and their generosity all the gifts I love swag I love t-shirts you know I love coffee mugs I love it all and and thank you very much Chris um I tell you what I am I am so grateful it used to be I was only appreciative and grateful for the big things you know if it was big if it was of major importance to me it made me happy I realize now in retrospect it wasn’t happiness I experienced so much as self-gratification that’s what it was today I find more and more it’s the small things it’s the little things that give me such such happiness such Joy these clothes have never seen vomit that’s uh yeah they say there are no big deals I mean this is a big deal uh I know I know exactly where I parked my car I could find it at a moment notice I know where I spent the night I remember everything I was able several times in the last few days to navigate myself without help down the hall and through my acute mathematical Powers I was able to ascertain as the numbers went up where my room would be I I am so appreciative of these things because it wasn’t always like that it really wasn’t you know I don’t know um when the world stopped revolving around me but I believe honestly it happened when I was brought by God into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous one of the first um directives or suggestions that I was given when I came in was that the guy said to me he said listen Harvey he said forget about yourself absolutely forget about yourself put yourself on the back burner you’re so self-obsessed all you think about is yourself forget it think about other people and it seemed following that it seemed the just the bat of an eye when the next person said to me listen I want you to come to this meeting get on the podium and for 45 minutes talk about yourself and I thought I really don’t know this what what I got into here it all seems so ironic and so what and actually this puts me in mind of um a story which I’m going to share with you which I particularly like um about a guy who who goes to Dodger Stadium and he walks in the stadium and it’s packed there are 40 45,000 people all taking their seats the guy looks around he finds his seat he starts to sit down and suddenly he hears a booming voice Larry Larry Larry and he looks around and it’s impossible to see starts to sit down again again he hears Larry Larry he gets up again and he looks and he looks to S as the bleaches nothing sits down again Larry like this goes on three four five six times and he’s getting very very annoyed and very very frustrated finally sitting down the ninth time he he’s Larry he gets up he stretches his arms to the heavens he says for God’s sake my name is not Larry this is this is an autobiographical story this is Story of My Life you know I I say that um that I’m a grateful alcoholic and my gratitude is quite literally boundless but the very first time I heard somebody get up to a Podium it was a woman and say I’m a grateful alcoholic I thought the woman was hideously deranged I couldn’t understand why anybody would be grateful to be an alcoholic now now it’s quite the opposite if I were not an alcoholic I would be deprived of the most rewarding life the most rewarding spiritual life it’s possible to imagine I have been given a life through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that I could never have even conceived in my wildest fantasies dreams hopes or expectations and so much of that is due of course to the 12 Steps working the steps as well as I can and sponsoring people and being sponsored but so much if it is due to the warmth and the Embrace of all of you I didn’t know people like you existed I really didn’t and this weekend this is my very first time at a at a Roundup it’s my very first time here and just the exuberance you know the the wonderful Embrace of everybody everywhere you go from the the bathrooms to the Halls to the banquet H arms are out hugs are waiting you know Smiles are there and I am such a creature of habit that it dawned on me there’s an inherent danger here there’s a built-in problem I am so reflexive that I thought well supposing I take it all to heart and then the next time I’m in La at home and have to go to a public men’s room and put out my arms you know and smile at the guy at the next urinal uh uh you I’m in I’m in big I’m in relatively big trouble so so I have to I have to watch that but I but I do learn from each and every one of you I have been given such love there are people here that I haven’t known for all that long and yet I would I would be hard put to imagine life without you know people like like Andy alcoholic and people like Rocky and people like Dave barge and people like Jerry Summers the courage and The Bravery of these men they exemplify the very very best of humankind I will tell you now in a general way what I used to be like and what happened and what I am like now what I intend to be like hopefully for the rest of my days on planet Earth and Beyond um I didn’t uh I didn’t come to um to alcohol until quite late in my life actually but I’ll I’ll start at the beginning I was um It’s A fitting by the way that I’m here on the 4th of July the 4th of July Independence Day um strikes a cord with me which is what I it really does I was terribly moved the opening night at the colors the color guard of the Marines and whenever in truth whenever I hear the Star Spangled Banner or America the Beautiful I get I get goosebumps and Michael sang it so beautifully the other day you see I’m from England and in England um on the fourth of July they Tau us that we won the war so it’s a little bit it’s a bit difficult you know well this is ironic too l i see a glass at a meeting of Alcoholics and I was say myself you know brings to mind an optimist is someone who sees the glasses half full and the pessimist is someone who sees the glass as half empty and the alcoholic sees the glass as completely redundant I um I was born in London England during the second world war seems like prehistoric times at this point you know somebody actually said to me I had the fortune Good Fortune shared a meeting a couple of months ago and I said that and afterwards somebody said the second world war wow was was that after the Civil War another another illustrious example another illustrious graduate of our superb educational system that’s amazing is it so I was born during the war and um actually our house in London was destroyed by V2 rocket and for those of you who may not know this V2 rocket business was designed by a German scientist called Veron Brown and Veron Brown wrote a book about his experiences biography autobiography and it was called I aim at the stars and I have always thought that it needed a subtitle and I had always thought it should be called I aim at the stars but sometimes I hit London um anyway our uh our house got bombed uh which is not why I became an alcoholic I I was I was uh I was an infant um I survived I think uh I was born to um wonderful parents and grew up in an observant Jewish Home very enlightened home I’m an only child terribly close with my parents a mother who adored me and whom I adored and I know that most of us here all of us I dare say know that alcoholism knows no bounds knows no social parameters economic lines knows no nationality no religions no races both sexes um and so it is not imperative to have had an abused or deprived or difficult or tragic childhood and my childhood was so beautiful in in every way that it was totally idilic really idilic and everything good that I learned my mother tried to impart to me I was a difficult student I suppose because I didn’t absorb everything or I should say I absorbed it but I didn’t put things into practice but my mother instilled in me a love of the Arts and a love of poetry and what strikes me in retrospect these days and my mother bless her has been gone now for 28 years is that so many of the expressions with which I grew up that I learned from her are platitudes that we know here she said one day at a time she loved the Serenity Prayer to thine own self be true was a favorite of hers and most of us today don’t realize that that particular line from Shakespeare is followed by another line and it runs to thine own self be true thou canst not then false to any man and I subscribed to that I was for most of my life such a liar and such a cheat and such a fraud such a true pretentious piece of rubbish uh and I was false not only to myself but to other people and I not only lied with abandon and with relish because I love lying it just made you I I was really good at lying you know and I I just loved it um but I believe my own lies you know that’s that’s another danger to all of that to being the kind of person that I was anyway I um I grew up and when I was uh in two three years old um all the children in England in London I should say had to be moved out of the city to the country because of the bombing the heavy the heavy bombing raids and um and so I was moved to boarding school and in fact it was a it was a board boarding school that um here to for had been an all girl school and I was um save your laughter please uh I was in the first shipment of boys to go there there were only four or five of us I think there were five boy little boys I was like three years old and uh I have the three memories that are so vivid and this the first I’ll go back because the first of these memories and I think through my for step they all bear relevance on what has happened to me today the first of these memories occurred at my very earliest recollection and I was about 18 months old and I was in the bathroom of our house in London and my mother had just given me a bath and there was a rocking chair in the bathroom and she had me wrapped in a big warm fluffy towel and I was on her lap and her arms around me and I felt so protected and so loved and so cherished and so safe and today I can feel her arms around me I can feel the humidity and the warmth in that bathroom it is a very very vivid memory and to me it is a treasured one the second one of these three memories occurred when I was about I think it was my fourth birthday and my parents gave me a party and all the kids came you know and they’re all little boys and short trousers all well behaved little bastards really but I they all they all came you know and and they all shook hands and little girls little curtsies you know this was another age ladies and gentlemen and and they gave me presents and I thought I was the star of the show you know I really felt very very important and the third of these memories occurred at this boarding school and since I was one of these five little boys and I was no more than 5 years old younger really um and there all bunk beds dormatory style you know and all the girls and during the night all the girls would take me out of my bed and they’d pass me from girl to girl and they’d cuddle me and touch me this is a fantasy I’ve been chasing for years in truth but but but these three memories you see mean to me that there was a sense that I was entitled to be loved I had a sense of entitlement and love was crucial to me so when I Grew Older and got into my teens and realized you that I wasn’t handsome and I wasn’t tall and I wasn’t athletic in spite of the fact I had a good deal of hair at that point didn’t mean but I wasn’t all of these things and and I needed that love I wanted that love I would thrive on that love so I had to devise for myself and again all of this is a a retrospective analysis of course but I had to do something be someone to get you all to love me I didn’t care about being admired I didn’t care about being respected I wanted adoration and so what that compelled me to do was to be a different person with each of you so I had successfully I had no true identity of my own I’d be with somebody and I knew what instinctively what I was supposed to be with them and I’d do that I’d be serious with one person I’d be funny with another person and after a while after many many years of this it occurred to me one day I didn’t know who I was I was a chameleon which is the nice way of saying that I was an abject fraud and that’s not a nice place to be at age 19 my my mother had encouraged My independence and I left home at 17 I got to new I was in New York at age 19 now at this point and I was pursuing a career um which had already been defined for me predicated on the fact that I needed to be adored by lots and lots of strangers it doesn’t make a lot of sense that is the way I am that is the way I was so I’m in New York I’m living with a woman who’s a few years older than I am and this to me is how alcoholism works I had not yet begun my Misadventures with booze didn’t happen actually really late I mean I didn’t start drinking alcoholically until I was in my 20s but I was an alcoholic and I suffered from Advanced alcoholism and when I was in New York it occurred to me in a moment of terrific Clarity this was at the time when Fidel Castro in Cuba was leaving oriente Province and he was going to take over the country and I knew with Assurance absolute certainty that he needed my help this is not a joke this is not a fantasy I was convinced that Fidel Castro needed me he needed Harvey Jason to make this political Adventure work now I decided and I said to my girlfriend we’ve got to get down we hitchhike we have no money we will get down to Key West and we will take a banana boat and we will get to Cuba and then we will go up into the hills of oriente Province where they’ll be waiting for me and I will get on my horse I didn’t know how to ride or anything I will get on my horse and Fidel Castro his brother re Chay Gua and Harvey Jason will ride down through the streets of Havana and people will throw garlands of flowers and we’ll take over the country now in truth I know nothing about Cuban history I don’t speak Spanish I don’t really like Cuban food but I was absolutely convinced that this was crucial for me to do crucial and uh we hitchhiked down down to Florida and uh by the time we got to um we got down there to Key West all the banana boats all the boats are closed we were not allowed to get there so we’re stuck in Key West Florida no food no money I did um the only sensible thing I helped my girlfriend look for a job and and uh got her a job and um and then we we uh we stayed there for a while and and I wasn’t comfortable I thought my my political career was in shambles uh there was nothing about me in the papers it was a catastrophe as far as I was concerned and ultimately we hitchhiked back to New York um shortly thereafter um I I got married another misadventure but uh and I’ve since stopped believing I don’t believe any longer in love at first sight to me you know what I think love at first sight is simply a side effect of serious drinking I believe this anyway I um I got married to this lady and she really had uh she it was a terrible thing for her to have married me she was very beautiful and she was also English and she was very sexy and she was very socially well connected very wealthy and uh as far as I was concerned at that time she didn’t have a brain in her head uh as a matter of fact she was an extremely brilliant woman it was me that didn’t have a brain in my head uh the last time we it was a quick marriage it was a couple of years and that was it as a matter of fact the last image she had of me the very last time she ever laid eyes on me was when I was in a drunken collapse between the cases the luggage place at JFK in New York and in fact I can still see her looking down at me with a look of intense disgust and that was a look with which I have become intimately familiar over the years but I I remember that I tell you something else when I she was a terrifying woman because before I met her um when I first met her I thought she was really tough you know really Ste very proper very proper English word you know it wasn’t until we got to know each other and so forth I realized she was very sensitive and she was very innocent and that was just a protection she was insecure well when I um was going to make amends this was the one that I really uh was terrified to do and I did not know where she was she had been involved as a ballet teacher in one of the big ballet companies in Europe and I didn’t know where she was and I tried to locate her and couldn’t do so excuse me my younger son who is much more proficient at the computer than I am um got on the computer and through a couple of lengthy processes he was able to track her down which was not really what I wanted because I was you know I was really scared and uh so I I got by myself I collected what few thoughts remained in my head and I I dialed the number and my heart was pounding and there was no answer so I was off the hook so I waited a bit and then I I dialed again sometime later and the phone was picked up and there was this voice Stern and ice cold but exactly the same as I remembered but older and she picked up the phone and I hear Hello and it took me a second and I said um uh uh Helen she said yes who is this and I said um well actually I said Helen um it’s nice to hear your voice said who is this I said um that’s a funny thing uh it’s been a very long time I said this is really a voice from the past um you don’t really sort of have any idea who this is it’s been years you know and there and then she got angry she said look who is this tell me who it is I’m putting the phone down I said well actually um is Harvey and there was a very long pause and she said three words how utterly bizarre a what she said so I said uh listen I said I tell you why I’m calling you I said I’m at the point in my life uh where I’m I’m really trying to clean up some Dreadful behavior of mine and um you know I said I I just I wonder what I can do I said I gave you such a dreadful time such a horrific time I I was just so awful I was a wretched Dreadful husband and I really she said no no you weren’t I said no no I was I Dreadful faithless husband and there was another long pause and she said what do you mean faithless okay but you know what she she had such generosity of spirits that she saved me because I thought honesty I mean what I can’t hurt her and she said no no she said never mind never mind she said we were both very young and passionate and so forth and I thought what what a wonderful what a wonderful response what a truly generous reaction to somebody who wants to make amends um I have since by the way uh remarried and have been married for a very long time not long enough last November the 29th it was 35 years and my darling Pamela I love with all my heart art has given me two gorgeous Sons now adults 30 and 34 and she stayed with me um all of this time and she’s a devoted member of alanon um which I love you can only imagine what I’ve put up with all these years in fact I went to my very first alanon meeting uh today and uh and got a great deal out of it really a great deal out of it I went to the alanon lunch and I’m most appreciative I think that alanon is a life-saving program it’s an absolutely another miraculous way of life and I know for sure that uh that my life would be totally different if my wife hadn’t gone to alanon with my sons in fact I knew nothing about alanon and my wife many years ago took my two sons to alanon I didn’t know what it was and I was out there and then one day I found out what it was and I came home and I said to her you know what I said oh you are really gullible I said I’ll tell you something I have just found out where you’ve been going with the boys and what alanon is you don’t even know this I said alanon is a program for people who have an alcoholic in their family we don’t have any alcoholics now but I sincerely beli this well I say I did I didn’t really I have to tell the truth here otherwise my wife will hop up and yell he’s lying he’s lying but I I um I I love I love what alanon has done selfishly what alanon has done for me and the growth that I have seen in my sons and in certainly in in Pamela it’s uh it’s wonderful it’s absolutely wonderful we have a marriage which is blissful Blissful and it’s all predicated on the fact that both of us practice the steps that both of us practice this way of life this gloriously fulfilling way of life with each other and in all of our Affairs so um here’s what happened I uh I drank once in a while and I had no real reason to drink at that point because everything seemed to be going my way I had an opportunity to to come out to California to do some work to do a job and I should preface this by saying that in spite of these outward manifestations of bravado and self-confidence that I managed to to show Through The Years inside me I was riddled with fear I have always had that terrible terrible combination for me of insecurity feelings of inferior ity and grandiosity so the worse I feel about myself the more bravado will I exhibit the most fearful I am about making any decisions the more outwardly confident I appear to be in fact I realize that because I was for so many many many years so riddled with feelings of inferiority and so penetrated so very deeply with fear that I perceived everything differently I was totally irrational now if I perceive things differently if a waiter brings me coffee and it’s not quite hot enough I wonder why he hates me so it’s all about me it’s all about me and what I perceive and I have come to realize that because I perceive things which are not real my responses are going to be predicated on these false beliefs and because my responses are going to be so irrational the results of my actions will be awful will be awful but what do I expect I’m a living lie I’m walking around living a lie so I get called out to California to come and do a job and I’m inv invited to a dinner party very important dinner party which I thought was a dinner party I was too naive to realize that these things are really invariably they are business Affairs so I go out there and there’s a lot of important people at this dinner party and my host I love telling jokes I know thousands of J I love telling jokes and my host knew this and I suppose in a way I was invited there also as sort of the the free entertainment so I’m sitting there and and I’m totally intimidated I I I feel this High I’m I’m frightened I want to crawl under the table and I want to run home back to my hotel and uh he’s looking at me you know and I am struck literally mute mute I I couldn’t I was so fearful I could not make a sound and I tried and nothing nothing would come out of my mouth I was frightened I wanted to run out of that door and I wanted to destroy myself before I had come to California some friends of my parents owned a company called bow of wine and the guy said to me when you get out to California he said just give me your address what the hotel I’ll send you a couple of cases of wine I said oh thank you I went back to my hotel and the wine was there and I thought my God I’m just nothing I’m just so I I felt all awful awful doesn’t say it but I’m sure that you people with your sensitivity know exactly how I felt and what I mean I went back and I opened up a bottle of wine and I guzzled that bottle of wine down and when I had that first bottle of wine I thought you know what really and truly it was only one evening you know it it wasn’t that bad and then I opened a second bottle of wine and I guzzled that bottle down faster than the first bottle and then I thought to myself you know what these people were lucky that I went there in the first place no but you see then I had my Elixir then I knew exactly what to do because for me at that point at that time that was the truth that really was the truth so I thought okay well this is quite cool now this was not a conscious decision on my part but I knew instinctively and and what followed was instinctively when I was in a position of difficulty out it wasn’t wine it was vodka out came the vodka bottle out came the bottles out came the gallons and the half gallons and so forth and and I had my my life’s medicine and I didn’t drink every day maybe every other day but I didn’t drink every day I’m not a common drunk you understand I’m worse um but what I did was I drank for three decades 30 years and I drank that booze until the booze drank me and while I have heard a couple of magnificent speakers here over the last couple of days Karen and Ralph who have had some really really tragic occurrences my losses were not their losses and while I didn’t lose material things I still had my house I still had my wife and my children still had my work but I lost the one thing which is so very very crucial and so very very precious and so very very vulnerable and easy to lose I lost all self-respect and I lost my soul I lost my soul and so my perception of my world was a dark one it was dark and it was pessimistic and it was morose and while on the outside work was fine there were times when it wasn’t quite so fine so I drank more during those times but I have a study in the back of my house and I would go home and I would lock myself in the study where I’d hidden all my booze and I would drink myself into Oblivion and then I’d managed to come out for dinner when the boys were growing up Pamela and the boys would sit at the table and they never knew who was going to come out of that room and to this day I can see the look of total disappointment in Pamela’s eyes and I can look back and with great Vivid recollection I can see the look of bewilderment in the eyes of my sons and the look of fear and I was never at any time physically abusive but it’s the mouth it’s the mouth my mother used to say words are like birds they fly away and you can’t take back what you said today I would give anything to take back some of the things that my sons have heard me say I can’t do that of course so what I can do is what you’ve taught me to do to live a living amends to be the best person I can I have done things that to me are absolutely disgusting and reprehensible beyond words I am I I remain an observant Jew and my Judaism is precious to me and for me the essence of Judaism is the same the essence of Alcoholic Anonymous it’s the same four words do the right thing do the right thing and at one point I was in synagogue and I was leading the service in Hebrew and I was wreaking of alcohol and I stood there when this awareness hit me with a solid thought that here I am in the house of God and I’m drunk and I left and I felt so wretched I felt lower than dirt I felt so appalling until the next morning and it didn’t stop me and I kept going and going and going and you know when one lives with someone else and one drinks what I would do I would I would I have a Bible in the study and um and I have I’ve always been a book collector and I have lots of um Flor to sealing bookcases and all the books I used to hide my my bottles you know behind the books and I would come in on a daily basis and Pamela would have pulled out books all over the place looking for bottles you know um and and so what I would do and I didn’t know how to get rid of the empties you know it was just it was you know I would gift wrap them you know I I no I there so many bottles I would buy gift WRA paper and brown butcher paper I’d throw Gifts of empty bottles of vodar on neighbors Lawns you know and and I there were so so many many many times when I had big packages you know and I’d go to the Post Office and uh and and I would take these big packages and every time I would try to open the thing and push the packages in it seemed at each opportunity people were watching me like I was a terrorist sending bombs into the thing you know but I used to go to three different liquor shops because God forbid I’d go to the same one and people would think I might have had some sort of a drinking problem so I went to one I always carried a shoulder bag and um and in the shoulder bag uh I would come home with two bottles of hinin I don’t like beer really but I had two bottles of hinin but in the bag would be like you know a quart of vodka fifth of vodka so I went one of the places was a Thai place a Thai family owned it and as one walked in behind the counter were all the liquor bottles and to the right were the freezers with the beer and so forth and I would go in I would take get my two bottles of hins out of there because I’d say to Pamela this is this is all I’m having i’ take the two bottles of beer I put them on the counter and then the the woman the tie woman would come and she’d say that’s it I say no wait a minute uh what did she want um and I did this all the time and then I’d say uh what is that is that the the clear one that that’s that one the big one there yeah and then I would take that bottle I put it in my shoulder bag and I come home with two bottles of beer and I’d say to Pal this is it no joke I promise you there two bottles of beer and then I would go into the study and I’d finish like you know half a quart before dinner and then I’d have the beer so the smell of the beer would stay on my on my breath and uh and then I’d come out invariably Pamela would say to me look at you two beers I mean you can hardly stand and I would say in all innocence you know what I have no tolerance I really and just the way it is I can’t I can’t take it anymore you know and then I would go to these other two places the SBI market and one Three Doors Down and they were run by Iranian an Iranian family and uh I’d go to one like on a Monday go to the Thai place on Tuesday go to the other Iranian place on Wednesday well I did the Iranian thing one day and then two days later I went back to the other Iranian place and it seemed to me it was the same Iranian guy from the place two days before it took me the longest time to realize it was a family business you know it was the same people in in in BO but but what what ultimately happened happened was in in the bathroom of the study at home which used to be a maid room and bath I no longer needed the bathtub so I had a a cabinet maker come over and get beautiful piece of of work and he put Oak over it and he enclose the tub in this great oak case one day I’m in the bathroom and I’m thinking to myself you know if I could pry up the top of this bathtub I would have a perfect place for the empties so I waited until Pamela and the boys were out of the house and then I got out my toolbox and it took me virtually an hour and a half as I recall and I finally got this this huge Oak slab up and I had a virgin bathtub you know and I thought this is absolutely fantastic I mean I I felt I deserved The pulit Sur prize I really did well from then on Pamela was mystified you know she the books would all be in disarray and i’ come in and she’d come into the study and always the same thing what is this and I’d say what what and she couldn’t figure it out well one day I was coming home and I put the key in the front door excuse me to open the lock and uh the door opened by itself and standing there was Pamela and my father both both of them looking very serious and uh I both of our sons have uh medical problems and I thought something had happen to one of the boys I said what’s the matter and they both didn’t say it just said come here and I go I had no idea I go through the house as we get to the back I thought oh no oh this couldn’t possibly be and sure enough we go into the study and into the bathroom the top of this tub is up and in this bathtub are dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of bottles quarts and gallons and half gallons of Miniatures and Pints and fifths and half dozen almost to the top bottles and bottles and bottles and my father very quietly said uh what’s this I mean what does one say so I said you know why would the Neighbors come over and do something like this to me you know I mean a really shocking shocking thing but you know what nothing stopped me and um and I kept drinking and drinking and the world looked really glum to me and I cannot tell you why I drank other than I was so despondent I was so miserable I felt useless and the more I drank the more useless I in fact was I just was morbidly morbidly depressed I never wanted to get out of bed I would wake up in the morning you know that feeling a lot of you know that feeling my mouth tasting at the carpet and my head throbbing my hands shaking the shakes the shakes the shakes and I wanted to pull and did pull the sheets over my head and just stay in bed because everything was Bleak and it never dawned on me that I’m the one who had made it so Bleak and although I believed in God I bargained with God I chose to use God when God would benefit or could benefit me I never really really spiritually connected with God it was I’ll do this for you if you give me this oh I’ll be really I mean I’ll do this sometimes I didn’t even verbalize it and sometimes I did I had a Bible in the study and sometimes I would go in there I’d put my hand on that Bible and I’d say dear God I swear I will not drink today and I didn’t drink that day and the next day I’d go into the study I’d walk to the Bible and I’d say you know what I’m not going to drink today I don’t have to do this and and I didn’t and of course I would drink and I drank and I drank and it seemed like it was just a living hell and the the occupation which I had um enabled me to be fortunate enough to really go all over the world and I could see places and have Adventures see that I could never see or go to before but no matter where it was you know whether it was Australia whether it was Thailand wherever ever it was the first thing that dawned on me was nothing to do with the place but oh wow now I can go and I can drink without Pamela looking over my shoulder when I wasn’t drinking I was obsessed with drinking obsessed with it and I had an opportunity to work with argu well not even arguably to work with the most famous film director in the world I’m not saying saying this to in any way to brag and it was a great opportunity for me and although I was excited about it it was secondary to the fact that I could go there and I could drink I didn’t want him to see me drinking but the booze affected my work performance unquestionably and the director happened to be what I now know is called an enabler and so he would say you know it’s so good that you can feel so comfortable and you know but even then even then it was King to me it was Emperor to me the booze was everything to me it was all I thought about I didn’t have any health problems other than shaking and feeling terrible all the time and uh and I would I would wake up you know I mean you know whether it was the drunk tank or whether it was going through the humiliations of getting in those positions for the cops that the Station House or jail or whether I’d wake up in the I spent many many nights on the ground or in the garage or behind the wheeler I drive home drunk and I’d Park I wouldn’t put the top down and I’d wake up in the morning or come to in the morning Pamela would invariably be standing there looking at me and I’d be slumped over the steering wheel and I’d get the window down and I’d say you know what I was so tired you know I just it seemed such an effort to come into the house I was so comfortable you know really here you know give alanon smile and just walk away I used to sleep with a notebook under my bed in case I had ideas you know the script I was such a master you know what a an artistic Maestro but as much talent as this glass and I couldn’t read my writing I in the morning would come I’d have great ideas you know but in the morning I couldn’t read what I had written and so um what I did was I got a little tape recorder so one night I’m dead drunk and in the middle of the night I wake up and I have an absolutely brilliant idea a work of genius and so as not to disturb Pamela I take the little tape recorder into the bathroom and I begin to record it now this was a western I don’t like Western but this was a western and this this script came out fully formed in my head the structure the characters the tension of the piece it was brilliant and I went into that bathroom I I don’t know how long I was in there for it had to be an hour or 45 minutes and I dictated the entire script into the tape recorder when I went to bed I knew that if I didn’t get an Oscar nomination for the script at least i’ was sure to get a writer Guild nomination if not when I knew it so in the morning I come to Pamela is not in bed and I I’m shaking and and my head’s throbbing and I’m sweating that putrid smell is coming out of every Po and I remember I remember that I had written this I don’t remember anything at all about the script but I knew I’d written a winner I go under the bed I see the tape recorder it’s all the way at the end I press the rewind it goes all the way back to the front now I’m ready I press play and I hear I press stop I press play now I come this it’s can’t be they’ve taken my trophy away and then I played it all the way through to the end and did not understand one syllable and had no idea what this was all about today I have a slight suspicion that it may be The Unforgiven and Clint Eastwood stole it from one night I had a particularly Dreadful drunk I mean a really appalling drunk maybe no worse than others but maybe it was just my time and uh I woke up in the morning and I was collapsed on the floor of the study and for whatever reason I thought this has got to stop I’ve had it I’ve had my run it’s finished it’s finished and I called my closest friend in the world it’s like my brother he was actually also my agent and he was a very devoted member of Alcoholics Anonymous and maybe some of you know him may he rest in peace his name was Robert Litman and Bobby Litman saved hundreds literally hundreds of people from alcoholism and he couldn’t save himself he couldn’t stay sober in the end Bobby died sober bless him but I called Bobby and I said you know I was writing I had written another script that’s sold and um they were paying me to write a a Polish the script so I called Bobby uh and I said listen Bobby I said since the the studio since these producers are paying me to to do a Polish on this script the the the protagonist of the piece is a recovering alcoholic I never put to into two together I just wrote about a recovering alcoholic I said since they’re paying me for a Polish probably what I should do is go to one of your meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous just to get an idea of the layout of the room and so forth and I believed this I believed it I mean I wasn’t say I believe this I met Bobby this was a Friday night Saturday morning I met Bobby on Sunday morning on the corner of peon Robertson in Los Angeles and he was going to take me to a meeting of the Robertson originals and uh we met on the corner and he hugged me and he said Harvey Harvey he was an Englishman he said you don’t know how lucky you are not to be an alcoholic like me and and I said oh I bet no I know I said I can I can I can imagine I can imagine and he took me into this long Hall I saw Podium set up and I saw loads of rows of chairs with keys and things on the chairs and I sat down in the seat and a woman got up at the podium and she shared her experience strength and hope and while This Woman’s experiences were not similar were not exactly the same as mine the emotions that she felt and which she so lucidly expressed were identical identical to mine and before I knew what was happening the tears was streaming down my cheeks and I knew I was home I was home and from that day to this I was determined to plunge Soul first into Alcoholic Anonymous and I got a sponsor and I got a home group got a big book and I immersed myself in all the literature I began on the steps immediately and I absorbed everything me with a brain that was not so hot was able to absorb and to assimilate what needed to be absorbed and assimilated and my friends my life changed absolutely absolutely first year I went to meetings all the time I I the first I went to a Tuesday night which is a mixed meeting not a stag a mixed meeting at Roxbury I knowing nobody I didn’t know anybody and I and I was outside on the at the front doors and I could hear in in one of the other rooms of this park building there was a tap dancing class and I was out there feeling sorry for myself standing there and hearing the tap tap tap of the tap dancers and a car came into the parking lot and I thought I recognized the woman behind the wheel and when she got out it was a woman named demitra whom I have known for many many years from Another Life another business and I’m listening to these tap dancers and I see demitra and I think my God of all the people in the world the least likely person to take tap dancing lessons and it was Deitra who came to the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous I then began to go regularly every Wednesday to the men’s stag at Roxbury and I didn’t like it I felt very insecure everybody seemed to know each other and I felt very isolated and I felt very out of it and I felt it was a big click and I didn’t belong there but I went you know and then I stopped going and then I went and took a cake and then one night when I was there I heard something and I heard a succession of something and I thought my God in the few weeks since I’d stopped coming how all these men have changed and now I tell you in truth I live for Wednesday night Roxbury these men are my lifeblood they are my heart I learn from the example of these men it’s not what they say but when I’m caught up in their Embrace their physical Embrace as well as their psychological and their spiritual embrace the example of these men can in no way ever ever ever be bettered it is an infusion of spirituality and I ingest inspiration every moment I am in that room I have seen and continued to see men face obstacles before which many of us would collapse with fright and they persevere and there’s a smile on their face and there are Smiles in their heart and they only care about helping someone else they only care about helping someone else their mission in life is to be of service to other people to share what they have with other people and it’s never do this or do this it’s it’s listen to what I here’s what I did here’s what I did I adore these men I adore them they’re my mentors they’re my friends they’re my Idols they’re my heroes and I have learned the beauty of life I have a life beyond anything I could have imagined I wake up in the morning with joy it’s beyond happiness it’s beyond it I am in a state of ecstasy I have nothing but rampant enthusiasm for this life all based upon this life-saving program this program that affords us an existence that would have been impossible to imagine and if you’re new here tonight I can well assure you you have no idea what can be in store for you you have no idea I beg of you to be willing just has to be willing to take the action I didn’t have hope I’m not big on acronis Ms but one night I was in bed and I suddenly was visualizing the word hope and I saw h o p e hold only positive energy I thought you know what that makes sense to me and I know you see I get up in the morning I say my prayers with relish I talk to God I ask him for help I say some of the prayers in Hebrew and some in English because I believe God is at least bilingual no you know and I and I and I ask for help I believe I believe with all my heart because I have been shown the truth I have been shown what life can be I know that when I talk to God that’s called prayer I hear God talk back to me that’s called schizophrenia and at night I talked to God throughout the day you know it had been a pipe dream of mine for a long long time I thought you know some of us have pipe dreams even when I was drinking I thought how a wonderful thing it would be to open a really wonderful really wonderful first editions Bookshop you know selling signed Hemingway and forner and steinback another gift of sobriety is that one year into this program my youngest son and I opened that shop we opened that shop the shop that was a pipe dream and from the outset and this is not false modesty very little credit to Louie and I that shop became instantly successful and I think I know why it’s because Louie being an alanon and me being a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous were able to put into effect the precepts and the concepts and the principles of this program to treat people honestly the way we want to be treated to be hos able to be kind to be of service this would never have worked this endeavor if I were still out there I would have robbed these people blind I would have robbed them blind without a second thought I would have sold them inferior merchandise today if there is the our books are in great condition but the slightest flaw I point out to people and not because I’m a good guy but because you have taught me because if I do anything dishonest or unethical or immoral is that how I’m going to repay God for giving me this life it’s the same thing for me I can’t imagine picking up another drink because you see what I didn’t realize when I was out there is that every time I picked up a bottle every single time I was spitting in the face of God I was saying to God I don’t want what you’ve given me I want more I want more give me more this isn’t good enough and I can’t do that I won’t do that I don’t want to do that my life depends on my sobriety I have it too good I have it way way way too good I haven’t received Justice I have received a high abundance of Mercy that’s what I’ve received and how can I pay God back for all of these Rewards or all of the goodness that I feel in here not the material things but giving me most importantly the one commodity that I assumed that I thought was absolutely unattainable to me peace of mind peace of mind I was always an insomniac I couldn’t sleep I’d pass out I sleep like a baby today I sleep like a baby I have peace of mind I’ve been afforded complete Serenity and it is a glorious glorious life and how can I pay God back for these gifts only by being the best Harvey that Harvey can be simple life it’s simple you know what possible reward is better for me today than to look at Pamela and see her look at me with love and with pride and see my sons look at me with great smiles and call me constantly and want to go on holiday with me and spend time with me our little family of four is so close is so close we are inseparable I owe it all to Alcoholic Anonymous I owe it all to people like you in rooms like this I owe it all to the steps of this program I owe it all to the glory of God who in his wisdom and mercy got me into these rooms this is something I never ever would have done by myself I know there’s not a shred of doubt in my mind that God brought me into these rooms and my purpose is to stay sober and to help another alcoholic I have such immense joy in working with people like Paul and Lefty and Stuart and Bruce noble men men who have come here to support me tonight men who share the same Joy I do going through these steps men who have given me the immense privilege of allowing me into their lives in the most intimate of ways and who have endowed me with their trust because they know that I won’t let them down now I intend to give them each um a few dollars from every CD I sell of their fourth step what a joy what a joy to show people what I’ve been given to share it all is there a Greater Joy I don’t think so I don’t think so I can only say that today here walks the happiest of men the very very happiest of men I have finally become through the grace of God the man that I know my mother wanted me to become a man that would make my father proud my father did get to see me sober and I don’t think he could believe it actually because quite often you’d say to me you mean you haven’t had one drink now in terms of the tenure of sobriety in this room I have very little sobriety I have um 3,291 days thank God by the grace of God today last Wednesday I celebrated N9 years of sobriety a clap for you because you’ve given it to me you know I there they say that that Miracles only occur to people who believe in miracles I’m not so sure that’s true um but I do know that each and every one of us here are the recipients of that miracle there’s a a story that I like and then I’ll I’ll I’ll sit down I think my time is up um there is a story of a guy who who goes a duck hunting and um and he he goes there and he he got his dog with him and he shoots the duck and the duck falls into the water and the dog trots over to the water’s edge and then the dog gets on top of the water and walks on the water picks up the duck in his mouth walks on the water back and drops the duck what the guy is bewildered he can’t can’t believe it he shoots another duck the same thing happens so he says to the guy next to him listen you got to watch this just watch this watch this shoots the duck another duck the dog goes right on top of the water again walks on the water comes back on the water drops the duck the man says did you see did you notice did you see what just happened and the friend looks he says you know what I think I did your dog can’t swim some of us see the miracle some of us don’t it really is impossible for me to thank all of you but please be assured that you have my love and my thanks and will have that eternally God bless us all thank you wonder wonderful Wonder thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day