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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi everybody, I'm Hugh and I'm an alcoholic. >> I love y'all too.

I love y'all too. And uh this is good to have here because this will calm me. Um I you made me forget everything I was thinking.

Um I appreciate it, Ray. That was you almost got me crying over there. Um I uh I I think I just forgot my story.

Um which is like my greatest fear. I'll get up here and go blank and so I'd have to use somebody else's story. Um, I uh I guess really all I can share with you is what the book says.

You know, our our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we're like now. So, uh, I I'll tell you as much as I remember and uh and I hope that uh that suits you. Uh, I uh first I just want to thank I really want I don't want to forget to do this.

I want to thank the host committee for inviting me because this is a huge privilege. Uh, I think this is my um my my 15th tick paw in a row to be at. And uh so to say it means a lot to me is is an understatement.

So this is a great privilege and I hope I don't screw it up because it's going to be on CD uh I uh for everybody to uh bring back up to me. Uh and I can't deny it. Uh I uh I was born um at a very young age.

I I was born in Savannah, Georgia in 1970 to uh uh an alcoholic family who was from a long history of alcoholics. Um I actually this is true. We do.

It's and it's historically noted that we have a family member who actually fell off the Mayflower and uh it's like in history books and it uh it I don't know if they was drunk, but I can bet you that's that was behind it. So uh that gives a little indication. All four of my grandparents died of alcoholism.

Um my mother's father died actually two years sober making coffee in a meeting. So uh so we had some AA history too. I didn't know that about my grandfather.

I I used to remember he had lost his leg um to alcohol-induced diabetes and he would come into town to visit and we would take him over this place in Nashville called 202 Friendship House. We drop him off there and he'd go to meetings. I had no idea what that was all about.

But um it's kind of um it's kind of sweet, you know, that that years later I would end up there, you know, and remember pulling in and dropping my granddad off. So I uh both of my parents are alcoholics. Um I can't sit here and say, you know, that um that I was just terribly abused and terribly treated and grew up on the streets and all this uh because that wouldn't be true.

You know, uh my parents were alcoholics, fairly high functioning alcoholics. Um uh I can't blame anything that's happened in my life on my family situation except for possibly that this thing was kind of handed down uh through the generations. I uh I moved here with my sister who's two years older than me when I was five years old and uh and my understand from my parents it was due to a geographical cure.

my, you know, my dad had gone to college in Nashville, which is where I live. Give it up for my peeps from Nashville. Okay.

Uh, all right. Uh, and uh, we we moved to uh, that was on CD, peeps. The uh, first.

>> Yeah. Give it up. Right.

Exactly. Yeah. Go back further for that.

The, uh, we moved to Nashville because my father had gone to college here. My dad had lost his business in Savannah. So, you know, better things, better places, you know, move along.

It it's anybody's fault but his and uh you know, that kind of thing. Good alcoholic thinking, you know. So, we moved to Nashville, loaded up everything pretty much we we owned in a car and and moved here.

And uh I uh I truly believe today that I was that I was an alcoholic from the word go. just uh you know I have no evidence to support that except for the fact that uh the looking back on it my thinking and my behavior um always was alcoholic. Um I uh I was 5 years old.

I moved here. I was I went to kindergarten. Uh I went to prochial schools um Catholic grade school and uh I uh yeah for a long time.

And uh I I did kindergarten twice there. Uh yeah, I failed kindergarten. Anybody in here?

I couldn't get the blocks right, I guess. They uh they my mom says that I was not mature enough to move on. And I don't know what that takes, you know, but I didn't have it.

And that should have been like an immediate warning sign. Uh I uh but immediately you know moving here um and and as far back as I can remember um you know there was there was the world out here and then there was the world in here you know and uh I heard somebody give it a fancy word one time cognitive dissonance you know and that is reality is here and my reality is way diametrically opposed. Okay.

And so I had this world going on in my head and it was where I would kind of go to feel okay. And uh the first time I ever heard in Alcoholics Anonymous theam the um example of the uh or the analogy of the alcoholic being uh having the hole in the soul um fit me to a tea. From the very time I can remember, the earliest time in my life I can remember.

I always felt like that there was a hole in in the middle of me with the wind blowing through and and and there was always an abundance of fear, loneliness, um uh feeling like alone in a crowd, like nobody understood what what went on with me. And uh and so the earliest I can I can remember uh I tried to fill that hole with whatever I could just to feel better. Um and and and I had this kind of this dream world in my head um that that would try to to make everything feel better, to try to uh calm that fear that always went on with me.

Um and uh and they you know, they told me today that's a God-sized hole, you know, it's it's it's the only thing that fills that perfectly. And uh I didn't get that until I came to this program. You know, I didn't get that puzzle piece, you know, that fit perfectly until I got here.

Um, so I always ran around out there, you know, uh, as even a small child trying to feel okay. I, uh, I was, uh, a class clown. Uh, and, uh, and I loved I love to play sports, too.

And, uh, wasn't great in school ever. Yeah. I did enough to get by.

And uh if that didn't work, I would try to get, you know, use your work to help me get by. Um and uh but uh but those were things that I loved and those were things I could escape into and try to use to feel okay, to fill that hole. Is if I felt like I could get you to laugh or recognize me in some way, um you know, I was okay.

And uh I uh you know I I didn't have the internal resources to to have that on my own. I just didn't. And uh and I I'm I'm a good example as most alcoholics are of of the um egoomaniac with inferiority complex.

You know, by all rights, you wouldn't know that I had that I I didn't like myself, but it was there, you know, deep inside of me, you know, was was all that fear about what you thought of me, you know, or or what I who I was. And uh I also was uh uh was pretty good in sports. I enjoyed sports and uh and I found that that some sports that I could excel at and I felt like that not only did that make me feel better about myself, but I could connect with my father that way.

Um so it was very very important to me and I'll come back to why it was important to me later. But I uh I don't actually remember the first time I ever touched alcohol. Uh, I think I mean I've heard stories about me as a small child kind of getting into the liquor cabinet and and drinking.

Um, but uh I don't count that. Uh, I uh I think I I can remember, you know, uh being being real small and trying it out and and uh you know, experiencing it, getting sick, whatever, and and you know, I didn't go back to it immediately. Um, I do want to say that that although I was from alcoholic family, I never knew I never saw my family as alcoholic.

I never knew what that meant. Uh, my family um I guess I thought um I thought was normal, you know, and I guess I thought every family acted like that, you know. Uh, my family always kind of got by.

Um, I was never, you know, there was never, uh, well, there wasn't a lot of police calls, you know, to the house or thing, you know, crazy crazy things happening, but but, uh, but my my family consistently got worse as our disease progressed and we grew further and further apart and, um, you know, we uh, we didn't exactly communicate on a healthy level. Uh we we uh fought a lot. Um and uh we blamed a lot.

We did all the stuff a normal alcoholic family does. And uh but I thought we had a pretty normal Catholic family, you know. Uh I thought, you know, and and I guess some of the other families that I was around were very similar.

But uh but looking back on it in retrospect now, you know, I I you know, I I got scared about people coming over to stay with me. you know, I can remember uh being embarrassed, you know, and and having to cover up, you know, for my family and stuff like that. I can remember fights going on, arguments where I would put my pillow over my ears, you know, so I could try to go to sleep or I would go peek down the stairways to make sure everything was all right, you know, but those I blocked those things out, I guess, because I think I wanted everything to be normal.

And that's back to that world that I created in my head. And it, you know, it was a it was it took a long time for me in sobriety to to um and to really truly um find the true from the false because a lot of the stuff that I over the years in my life had thought was true was stuff that I had made up just to feel okay. Um and uh you know that that took some willingness, some uh some honesty and some open-mindedness to get to that point and some time for that to happen.

I still honestly and as I get further in my story, I don't remember a lot of my story, a lot of my drinking because I did black out a lot. Um, so I have to give you kind of the uh shortened version. Um, or or whatever I can can uh remember.

I uh I got in trouble a lot at school as a class clown, you know, and and I guess it was worth it, you know. The uh the payoff was worth the risk, you know. Um, that was how bad I felt about myself is is is it didn't matter what what the end consequences were as long as is immediately I felt okay.

And again, that's back to that immediate gratification. I would do anything right now just to feel okay in the moment. And um I uh going to kind of get through the uh the the drinking history um and get on to recovery because that's where I do like to spend most of my time.

Um, I guess I probably remember starting drink drink drinking when I was seventh or eighth grade. You know, just periodically, you know, I was maybe 12, 13 years old. Sneak here and there.

I know that my sister and I, who's here, um, she was two years older than me. I can remember sneaking around and uh, and sneaking alcohol and and refilling. You remember that sherry thing that they had in there?

We'd refill and it would just get like lighter and lighter and uh, and we would do that with a lot of alcohol. And that didn't seem abnormal. and it seemed real curious.

And I I don't know um that I you know I I know that I said to myself at certain times that I didn't want to be a certain way. I I said that I would never smoke, I would never do this, I would never do that. And uh and getting back to that immediate gratification, all that stuff went out the window um just to feel okay in the moment.

Um I uh my sister um is is a major part of my story and my family story. I uh eighth grade I started drinking more. Um here and there on weekends I started getting in more and more trouble.

Um I had a extremely bad temper and uh and a real short fuse and that got me in a lot of trouble and I I almost got kicked out of school my eighth grade year for um like attempted assault on a teacher. and I picked up a chair and and my coach walked in and uh and grabbed me and took me outside and said uh um we'll just pretend like this never happened and I never heard about it again and uh but it was kind of looming over my head. Um I uh had my first blackout that I can recall my eighth grade year.

It was the last day of school. They called it field day. and uh and you do all these activities uh like three-legged races, stuff like that, you know, it's just and uh and of I went to um a Dominican I was Dominican nuns were in my in the school that I went to and we had to dress in uniforms and all that kind of stuff.

And uh yeah, and uh I uh I remember we brought in this uh this whiskey in a canteen and uh and we went back before like the field day started and we started drinking in this room and that's the last thing I remember and uh and except for I can remember kind of coming out of that at my house and I had all these ribbons where I'd won like different events and I have no idea what the hell they were in, you know, or what I did. Um, I did okay, I guess. But, uh, but that was the that was the first time.

And, you know, I guess I thought that was kind of exciting. Um, um, I didn't really see the fear in that at that point. Um, the, uh, I try to get my timetable right, but, the summer between my eighth grade year and my freshman year, uh, my sister uh, was the current crisis in the family.

uh she uh you know we we had different we it's interesting because you know I work in a treatment field and we have you know the roles in the alcoholic family um you know you have the mascot and uh that was of course me uh most of the time you have the uh lost child the scapegoat the chief enabler you know all that good stuff anybody's been to treatment knows the deal but uh we uh played all of them I think at one point or another in our family. You know, we we took turns in those roles and uh Cat was kind of uh I think uh um was the was the first one to be the scapegoat um in the family, you know. Oh man, she's the problem.

Uh but my sister, I don't want to tell too much of her story, but my sister ended up um taking off for a period of time, uh running away from home after she had gotten kicked out of her last second high school. And uh and uh nobody knew where she was and everybody was looking for her. And my my parents had done uh done some investigation into alcoholism and drug addiction.

And during that um they found that um a treatment center in town had opened an adolescent unit. um that same year and they had it all ready for her and um I remember I remember my parents coming up to me and they it was one of those sitdowns. Okay.

And uh it was during the time that you had run away from home and uh they said, "We need to talk." And I thought, "Oh man, here we go." Uh and they said, "We think your sister may have an alcohol and drug problem. What do you think?" think and I went, "Yeah, she absolutely horrible problem." And uh I was like, "Woo, dodge that one." And uh but but that was true. I did think that, you know, I thought and that was where I was at.

I thought uh I thought that my sister was out of control and I thought I was in control and I thought everything was okay in my life, you know. Um I there I was so far from thinking that I had any problem and I was binge using binge drinking here and there. Nothing, you know, nothing major.

I was still everything all the pieces in my life were in place. And uh and so to kind of cut the story short, my sister came home, went to treatment um and uh that uh led to the family program uh at her treatment center and uh the one I work at now actually. Um, and actually I I worked down the hallway from the room I sat in uh in the family program and it was really strange for a while coming into work and looking down that hallway and thinking, man, did I feel rough?

Uh, because really I was I was there to support my sister, but it was a week out of school. Okay. And uh and we start talking about all this alcoholism and addiction and it was just like broadsiding me.

and uh and then they started to discuss our problems and uh and that's where you know I didn't see their point. Um okay, you lost me there. Um but what it did for me is is it did plant a seed and it gave me a better understanding of what alcoholism really is.

And I had no clue up to that point. I'd never even really given it much of a thought. At that point I could have told you my family was pretty screwed up.

Okay. Um, if cornered. But, uh, but I I didn't know what alcoholism was.

You know, my I guess if if you would have asked me, I probably would have said an alcoholic is somebody um old, very old, who drinks all day, every day. Um, you know, pushes everything they own around in a cart and uh, you know, and and and lives on the streets, cardboard boxes. That would have been what I would have told you.

And anything short of that wouldn't have been an alcoholic, you know, just like if you'd asked me about a drug act, I would have said somebody in a back alley sticking a needle in his arm, you know. Um, whatever. You know, I had I guess I had preconceived notions of what this was, and anything short of that didn't didn't add up.

Um, and uh, I was way wrong. Um, in my estimation, I guess an adolescent couldn't be an alcoholic, you know. Um my uh went through the family program, got enough information to kind of just sit there uh for a while.

My my sister ended up getting out of treatment and uh Ray told some of that. Um she uh I guess was there 45 days or something like that. And uh my uh she came home and so did somebody else from treatment that was a friend of hers and lived with us.

And uh it was kind of like we had a little halfway house going for a little while. We had people staying there uh in early sobriety and um I actually went to some meetings. I went to see um her get her 30-day chip and then some other times and I I actually struck up some relationships with with some young people and this was 1985.

Um some young people and some of which are in this room that that would be lifelong friendships and are today very very close friendships. And uh and I really truly like these people. And uh and I actually stopped drinking and using for a period of time.

You know, I was so overwhelmed with the love and what I found in in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and and the friendships that I wanted a part of that. I didn't think I was one of y'all, you know. Um but uh but I but I know now looking back I did want what you had.

Um I uh six or so months after my sister uh got sober, my father got sober, and then about a month later, my mother got sober and uh I uh and the people kept coming to the house and uh and staying sober and being real real happy. Okay. And uh that's what I remember, playing lots of spades and being real real happy.

And uh I was not real real happy. I was real real unhappy. Uh I was um I was in and out of just being dry.

Okay. And uh and that's a that's a lonely miserable place, you know, that is that is the hole in the soul without any medication. And it's not any fun.

Um I would I would also uh mind you revisit that in sobriety. I'll get to there. Um I uh I don't know.

This is where the my everything gets sketchy. Okay. Um, I uh at some point um started drinking again and uh and I think I had been drinking periodically here and there, you know, kind of not when I was hanging with the program folks.

And uh I remember every now and then things would happen and and and all that stuff that I knew would run through my head and make me very very uncomfortable. And I can remember even driving down the road one day and asking my dad, um, how do you know if you're an alcoholic? And my I remember my dad saying, um, well, just try some controlled drinking.

And I remember just sitting there and I couldn't even come up with an image of me controlled drinking or what that was. Um, what that even looked like. Um, and so I asked him and he told me and and you know another bell went off and uh but it wasn't enough.

So I uh I was continued to binge drink and I didn't you know one of the things about my sister and and and feeling so superior is is um is I was not going to be like you know out of control. I was going to have things together. I did not get into a whole lot of drug use.

you know, I I've tried it, used it, whatever. It was great. Uh my my true passion, my true love was alcohol.

And and the moment I touched it, I was in love. Um and I and I couldn't tell you what was going to happen. Um but it probably wouldn't be real good.

Uh and that that's that, you know, that's my history. Um I uh let's see where did I leave off my Okay. Um, soon after the conversation with my father, we had another meeting and this time it was to discuss me.

And uh, I remember them uh, asking me, "Do you think you might have a problem?" And uh, I said, "No." I said, "I've I've done I've thought about it and uh, and this this this is the reason I don't have a problem." And uh, and in my mind everything was still together. And uh and I remember getting really upset and saying, "Okay, just to show you I don't have a problem, I will never drink again." And uh my dad started laughing. And he said, "You can't say that." And I said, "What do you mean I can't say that?

Of course I can say that." And that was that was the the moment that I would try to not drink on Hughes terms. And uh and I I I went a few months and uh just dry as a bone. Uh not admitting I was an alcoholic, just not using anything.

And uh just left with uh dry old hue. And uh I mean it was it was bad. I was angry.

I can remember coming in the house and those people there laughing and playing cards and I just you know I hated them. I did. I hated them because I wanted what they had, you know, and uh but I wasn't one of them.

Uh at some point I started drinking again. And uh and this is where my drinking gets really really short and really really fast. It lasted for about nine months.

Okay. I picked up alcohol and I didn't put it down uh for about the next nine months and I can't tell you much of anything that happened except for I was picked up at a lot of places by family members that I can't remember or or anything that happened. I got in a lot of trouble.

I quit playing sports. I uh my grades dropped. My friends left me.

Um, everybody was just tired of putting up with me. And uh, and I can remember being asked to leave friends houses um, and not to come back. I can remember my parents being called by lifelong friends of the family saying, you know, your son got uh, John's little brother drunk and he can't come back anymore, you know, and and stuff like that, you know, stuff that I would have to live with.

And and I did not like the things I was doing. I did not like who I was the the times that I was sober. Um, but I at that point didn't know what to do.

Um, I uh get to the uh end of my drink. Well, the summer, let's see, the summer of 1986, I can tell you very little about except for I think I had four jobs. Um, I uh and I I don't know really what they were.

I remember I I remember I like drywalled. I I was working with this guy named Julio um who like uh got narcotics from this police department, would sell them, and he was like 40 years old and I was 16. And uh and he was who I was hanging with.

And uh Julio got me a job that he had uh gotten some friends together to begin drywalling houses. And I had no idea how to do that or anything about work or manual labor or anything. But we started drywalling and all I can remember is going in day in day out and we would start drinking in the morning at these houses we were working on.

And this one house I can remember being in this closet for like three days. I was trying to drywall a closet and uh it was a very small closet and I was thinking man I can't be very good at this. And uh and then and then the next thing I remember is, you know, you guys are going to need to pack up and go.

And we got fired. And uh and we would just try odd jobs. And I uh that summer was real miserable.

That that summer I had a lot of people close to me that I grew up with telling me things that I didn't want to hear about myself. Um uh and uh and all I could do not not to feel that was was just to drink. And that's all I wanted to do anyway.

I couldn't care about anything else. Um the uh it was around it was October of 1986 just to kind of wind up my drinking. Uh I um had started drinking that day and I went to a concert and uh and I continued to drink and the concert was over and I wasn't done.

And I I called a friend of mine uh well this guy and uh and I asked said uh what are you doing? He said I'm at the house. Where else did I think he would be?

He he was always there. This is the guy always ended up at his house. Um and we would wait for his mom to fall asleep and we would uh drink ourselves into oblivion.

And uh it's a very big house, very big bar. And that's why I was that's why Hugh was there. And it was the one place where people were not asking me to leave.

So, I went over there and I started drinking and um I uh at some point blacked out like normal. And uh the next thing I can remember was opening my eyes in my bed at my house and not knowing how I got there. And and similar things had happened before, but the way I felt uh was was just the worst.

It was beyond comprehension. I couldn't move any part of my body. Um, it hurt to open my eyes and I and all I could do was sit and listen.

And what I heard was my mother um, not very happy on the phone in the other room talking to a family member telling him what happened. And what had happened is is that Hugh blacked out as normal, went to uh, go get sick in the bathroom and passed out the wrong way. passed out backwards and uh and started to choke on my own throw up and uh and to the point where I wasn't I was beginning to not be able to breathe and uh and my friend's mother just just happens to get up, you know, um and and go to the kitchen, I guess, to get some water or something.

Walks past his room, sees the light on in the bathroom, and finds me. and uh and gets me breathing and calls my mother and you know they come and get me again and uh laying in that bed unable to move um and just you know everything in the world running through my head everything I had ever heard in a meeting from anybody else you know right there and uh and I believe um at that moment is when I is when I admitted I had a problem with alcohol Um, and I don't know truly if I worked the first step laying there, but I I admitted enough to get to to, you know, start this deal. And so, um, I knew I had a problem.

I knew I knew the first step. I knew the first step was we admitted we're powerless over alcohol that our lives have become unmanageable. And a lot of times I hear people in meetings say that they got the first part, it was the second part.

Well, I got the second part, okay? But I didn't know about the first one. Okay?

I knew my life was unmanageable. I mean, my life was unmanageable. And laying there, I realized it had always been unmanageable.

I had always thought I was in control. I'd always fooled myself, you know, and uh but I thought I was still too young to be an alcoholic. Um looking back on it now and and I've heard somebody say in AA that the longer they stay around this program, the more alcoholic they become.

And that's me. Okay. Um this has been a work in progress.

Uh I uh however getting sober and that was uh my I took my my last drink in uh actually I don't know the day it was uh you know but my sponsor had me pick a day in midocctober 1986 because I knew it was around there. So my birthday has always been since you know my first year of sobriety October 12th 1986. Um, and I haven't had to take a drink since.

Um, and I, you know, getting sober, I was 16 years old. Getting sober young, a lot of times people struggle with the fact that, you know, whether they're alcoholic or not. I haven't had a lot of struggles whether I feel whether I think I can drink successfully again.

You know, I've had other struggles whe um with whether um with other self-will issues, you know, and thinking I'm in tr I'm in control. And that's that that unmanageable part of it. Um I started coming to meetings again and uh this time for me and I remember I I went to 202 um upstairs and I picked up a white ship that night and uh and I I didn't go to treatment.

Um but uh but my high school I was in a Catholic high school across the street from uh 202. And I I would uh my treatment was is I lived at 202. I would they would uh they would let me out like at study halls and certain times during the day and I'd go over for a day meeting and I would always go to my home group which was uh the Belleview Presbyterian uh meeting uh every Tuesday and Thursday was my home group.

I never missed it. And I went so I met went to meetings every night and every day. and and when I wasn't in in meetings, I was hanging out at 202 with with old-timers and and a bunch of young people who are really um you know into sobriety and uh and that was that was where Hugh soaked up all the all the good stuff, you know, and and it's where I found home and uh and that's the one thing I can sit here and tell you is is that when I finally admitted that that I have a problem with alcohol, you know, and and backing up a little bit when I said that I the first part of the first step.

See, I believe I believe today that that when I admitted I had a problem with alcohol, I I believed I believe that wholeheartedly and I accepted that. It was later that that I was to know the true meaning of alcoholism and what all that entails in my life, you know, and and and truly accepting that in my heart. Um and and what that means to what I need to do in sobriety.

Um I uh I went to a lot of meetings and uh and that hole started to close a little bit and and I and I felt home. You know, it was the first time in my life in a group of people where I could go in there and they were talking my language. Some of the stories and some of the things were different, but but they knew me and uh and that was exhilarating.

That was something I had never experienced. and uh you know so I I lived in meetings and I lived um we had a young people's meeting I lived for that for that for the unity and the fellowship in this program and uh and that got me uh that got me into the service. Um it was uh in 1987 uh yeah 1986 um I had gotten kind of railroaded on a uh bid committee for Ickpaw and they were bidding in Boston.

I didn't go up there um but they went up there got the bid and so 1987 we hosted Ikpaw and uh and I was young and new in sobriety. 80 was it 88? Yeah 87 we bid 88.

See dates kill me. 88 we had the conference in Nashville and uh and you know I had I just kind of lowered my head and and followed people around and they told me what to do but I got to experience through other people through the unity of the program how beautiful um you know working on a conference can be you know service work and I got to see that firsthand and it was unbelievable. It was unbelievable to see that many people join together to celebrate and help each other uh in sobriety and it was huge.

We had Operand Theme Park as our um as our uh pre-conference event all to ourselves >> and uh and it was just awesome. Um and uh that led to uh um Ray and I were talking about this earlier right after that conference. were so on fire that uh we got together a group of people uh at Ray's uh grandparents house and we downstairs and we uh we formed you know uh a bid committee for uh tickpaw and uh that started kind of our our our love and our enthusiasm about tickpaw and we bid about three times and didn't get the conference and uh and but we kept doing it and we kept having dances and we kept joining together and we kept fighting exciting and uh and it was it was awesome.

And uh we just didn't stop. And uh and and so that was that was my introduction to service work. And through that that got me into uh service on a home group level, the young people's meeting and being able to experience the fruits of of service work in the program.

And uh I can never be grateful enough for that. But I want to emphasize something, okay? There are three legacies in this program.

unity, recovery, and service. And uh and I had two of them down. Okay.

Um I did not have the recovery. And and I I do want to emphasize that because that that would uh that's a huge part of my story. Um I heard somebody say like the the worst thing they ever did in AA was take the uh the steps out of the book and put them on the wall and leave the directions in there.

Um because my my what I did was uh was I would work them off the wall and I figured I figured because I could read them and conceptualize them and agree with them meant I worked them and that is false and that would not prove to uh that would not prove to be the essence of the spiritual experience that Hugh needed. Um that it just wasn't going to happen. So, uh, the the unity and the and the service got me so far and and it was exciting and it was great, but I had to have more.

There had to be what the book calls the psychic change. Um, you know, I had to get in there and start doing some work. So, at about three years sober of not having any routine, any prayer in my life, any meditation, working any steps, I I do want to I do want to say one thing.

I did at six months sober with Rey work a fourep. And uh it was the saddest thing I think I've ever done. I uh and it's not Ray's fault, but this was the this was the point of willingness I was at.

Okay? I was having fun in sobriety. Why rock the boat?

Okay. Except for except for I was starting to experience in meetings questions my way about the stuff I was saying. And I wanted to be able to back it up by saying, "Yeah, I've worked you know, because I was real good at running my mouth in meetings about um the program, you know, and uh but until I was called on it.

And I can remember being about about 90 days sober or something and running off for about 20 minutes in a meeting before somebody in my home group said, "You said enough. You've really said enough. You don't have any more to give us that we need to hear." And uh and and that was like brutal.

It was brutally honest and what you needed. Okay. um it wasn't enough because I kept on um but I remember about six months um Ray and I were working together and I said, "Man, I got to work this fourstep." And uh and so I opened the book um to where it had the list in the big book.

And uh this is, you know, this is Hugh in his easier softer way. You know, Hugh working his program instead of the program. Okay.

I look at the list and I'm like, "Oh, I can do this." You know, and I had been in the book before. It wasn't my first time to see it. Okay.

But I but I had not studied it. And I do want to say that it's it is not a novel that you read through and go, good read. Okay.

It is a it's it's it's a text, you know. I have a guy in my home group that says the first thing he ever did when he got a big book was was look in the the back to see how it ended. You know, and uh the uh and you know, I I did not study it.

You know, I did not understand what it what it meant in my life. And uh so I I sat down and I did okay that list and I went back and I had my moment. Okay, I got alone, got quiet for 45 minutes, 30, 45 minutes and I wrote down all my family members, closest friends, why I was pissed off at them, what they had done and what it affected.

Okay, brought it back, said done, ready. Read it to them. I saidoo, I feel better.

And uh and I didn't even read, you know, after that. And the neat thing is a couple of a couple of sentences later after it shows that list, it says to conclude that others were wrong is as far as most of us ever got. Okay.

Um damn if I just would have read the directions, you know. Um if I would have read on. Um but but I was as willing as I was right then.

Um so at about two and a half, three years into my sobriety, um I just really got tired of life, you know. Um, I I just thought this is all there is to it. You know, you know, I'm signing out.

And I'm, you know, too too uh chicken to do anything about it, but I didn't want to live. And I can remember at the end of my drinking. Um, I was at that place, you I can remember every night I went to bed, I would have this prayer, God, don't let me wake up, you know, just, you know, do it the easier, softer way, you know, just let me go off in my sleep.

And uh and I was there again, you know, in sobriety. I was miserable. You know, the newness of the program had worn off, you know.

I'd been to all the damn dances, you know. I'd played in a million spades games, you know. I had um you know it just all was old you know and uh and so uh I decided um well you know what I didn't decide anything you know it just got real hot on my ass again that flame it was real close and and I needed to do something I needed to to do something one way or another and I can remember this guy in the program that I really respected and uh and uh kind of feared a little bit because he's pretty rough but I remember uh asking him out to dinner and we were eating and I asked him to be my sponsor and I said um and this is the level of humility I had to reach, you know, and I I just said, "Look, I've been sober three years and and I haven't worked any steps, you know, you know, I've accepted some things in my life and but I haven't done any of the work and I and and I'm miserable and this is what's going on." He said, "Well, are you willing um to do the work?" And I said, "Yeah, I'm willing to do something." And so we got together and started from step one and started working through the steps and and uh h you know my hand in his hand leading me all along the way through the book and and pointing out and that's how it needs to be done.

You know that's how this deal started was another person guiding another person through this deal and and helping them to understand it. And if you're trying to do this by yourself, you are uh you're making a fatal mistake. Um, you know, there's a lot of experience around the rooms that that that is there that's that is given to us by God to use that I believe.

And uh and and I have to remember that today too because it's it's still one of my my main problems is trying to do too much myself, trying to do it myself, trying to figure it out. I'm still I still want to be self-sufficient, you know, and I guess in the back of my mind, I still think some somehow I will be one day, you know. Um and uh and every now and then, you know, God knocks me down a peg, you know, I get to those points in my sobriety where I start to feel like I've arrived and I start to want to stay still and it's impossible to do in this program without going backwards.

So I started working through the steps and uh and uh you know I started to get an understanding of this program and I started to uh truly understand uh what surrender means. Okay, and the level of surrender that we take ourselves to through the process of the steps, you know, and uh and and I started to realize that uh you know this the whole purpose of these steps, you know, and and it says it in the book, you know, it's it says um where it's talking about um insanity. It says, you know, the whole purpose of this book is is to help you find that power uh that you need in your life.

You know, I'm I'm missing the quote. Sorry. Um but but you know, it's I don't have the needed power.

I don't. And uh and I just needed another level of of humility um to prove that that not only drinking but life is just too much for this this alcoholic. You know, I can do it.

You know, I wanted I wanted to get sober and uh and everybody just acknowledge that and be real happy about it and change to suit me. And it talks about that, you know, in the 11th step, you know, it talks about in the big book, it says, you know, we wanted um we wanted the world to change to suit our needs when really we were the ones that had to change to suit the world, you know, around us. And and I never wanted to do that.

I just didn't. I fought it. And uh there's actually a story of a friend of mine in this room that I always have to tell u because it's it's fairly stupid and uh and uh but but it means a lot to me.

Um, and uh, this is a God God thing. You know, we hit these points in our sobriety where where we're just running on on ourselves and we're just dry and and God's there. And see, I believe today, every day I wake up, I have the opportunity to have a spiritual experience.

I believe that beyond a shadow of a doubt. I believe it's there. I believe the problem is is where where where I'm at, what I'm looking for.

Um, and uh, well, at this point in my sobriety, I was not doing well. And uh, and I was kind of running the show again. And uh my uh Ernie and I were going to a uh a uh a movie one night and uh and we we were running a little bit behind.

Uh and uh we got to the movie theater and uh instead of just rushing into the movie for the movie, I decided to go to the concession stand and get something to drink and some nachos. And so I I go to the uh concession stand and I got it and I and the woman gave me back my nachos and then there was like all these chips and just this little bit of cheese, you know, and I, you know, I just got irritated and it was just, you know, I was uh I was already not having a good day. I was late for the movie.

Uh you know, it's just one more damn thing to deal with, you know. And I said, "Ma'am, excuse me." I said, "Could you please um you know, give me some more cheese? You know, at least equal proportion of chips to cheese, please, is all I'm needing here." And uh so the woman just yanks them, grabs them back.

I'm watching her. She walks over to the cheese and she just starts just dousing cheese on on the chips and it's just like overflowing. And she pushes it back and I can't even grab this thing.

It just covered with cheese. And uh and I'm like, "You bitch." Okay. And uh and uh I'm like, "This is over for you." And uh and so I I say some words to her and and I'm like and and Ernie's like, "Come on, man.

Let's go." And I was like, "You go to the movie." You know, I'm not forget the movie. And uh and so I'm like looking around, you know, for the door that says private. You know, I'm like there's a manager working here somewhere.

So I'm just banging on this door looking like a complete jerk. All right. And this guy comes out and he says, "Yes." And uh I'm standing there just wildeyed probably.

And uh and I said, "This is what your person just did, you know, and I don't know how you train people to treat people here, you know, but and he's like um he's like, "I'm sorry. Why don't you go to your movie? We'll get you another thing of nachos.

You know, movies's on us. You know, the guy was being really really nice." And uh and I'm like, "No, that's sorry. you know, it's not gonna cut it.

I said I said, you know, it's like, what about the next guy? You know, uh, and uh, and so I'm like, no, man. I don't think she should be working here, you know.

I wanted more. I wanted retribution. And suddenly, who is running the show?

You know, it's me. and uh again and so uh and so the guy the the manager um was said uh said look um I really don't want to have to do anything. He said she, you know, she had had like a wedding ring stolen before work and she's just working at her shift and she's having a really bad day and uh it's one of those moments of clarity, you know, where everything just stops, you know, on a dime and you go, "How far are you going to take this?" You know, where are you going with it?

You know, where is it going to end? Um is this worth pursuing? You you you ask.

And uh and I'm like, "No, just forget about it." you know, and uh but at that moment, it was one of those moments of clarity where God just hit the break. And he said, "Just look around you and and and see the big picture here, dude." You know, everything is not revolving around you. You're just not the center of the universe.

you know, and it was it was at that moment I started to realize, now I wish I could take this into every day with me. But I started to realize um every person that I tried to run off the road because they cut in front of me, you know, um they had lives too. They had situations too, you know.

They may have had people that needed to get to the hospital, you know, but but the fact is is that up until that moment and a lot of moments since then, you know, everything that I encountered was filtered through how it affects me. You know, that's that's exactly how I looked at life is how it affects me. And uh and and I was just slapped with it in the face.

And uh I kind of believe in today. It's kind of another analogy. My sponsor likes to call it the godline.

And uh and it's a it's a good thing for Hugh to live by because it's I it's simple um but effective. There's this imaginary guideline. Okay.

And on this side of the guideline is the thing that things that Hugh is responsible for. Okay. It's not a real big area.

Okay. It's just a small side of the street. And on this side of the line is everything God is responsible for.

And it's broad. Okay? And all of my life, I've been living over here on the wrong side of that line.

Okay? See, I wanted to get paid for jobs that I didn't want to do. You know, I wanted all the results without any of the work.

I wanted I wanted you to change which is none of my business, you know, and and while while all my energy has been exerted on this side of the line, this side hadn't been getting done. Okay? And uh and that's created a hell of a mess.

Even in sobriety, I was living on the wrong side of the line. And uh you know, every now and then, you know, my sponsor or I I'll have to go, you know, which side of the line am I on here? you know, because I can easily jump over here and the results in in your business and uh when really it's so simple because this side of the line pretty much adds up to the next right action.

Okay, that's really pretty much what this side of the line adds up to. And that's pretty simple. I heard a guy speak at at Ikipa um in Nashville, Lou M, and he had like a lot of sobriety.

He's like the oldest sober person I had ever heard of. And this guy came in to IPAW and he had a a young, sober, and free hat on. And he was in his 70s.

This is back in ' 88. And uh I can remember and I I remember thinking, man, you know, that's kind of strange, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. and he said, you know, some sometimes the most important thing he things he does during the day is to pick up coat hangers, you know, and and to him that means so much.

And I thought that's pretty stupid. But uh but to him, coat hangers uh was the perfect analogy for the next right thing because inevitably he was in his closet getting something out and a coat hanger would drop and he would leave it and he'd go to the next thing when really the next right thing was to pick up the coat hanger. He, you know, and he said, 'Before long, the whole bottom of my closet is full of coat hangers.

He said, which is exactly what happens in my life is that I'm always looking for the next thing to make me feel okay and forgetting about what's right in front of me, what God has in store for me right now. See, the simple things is really God's will for me today may just be to get my ass up on time, get into work, wash the dishes when they're sitting there, you know, real simple stuff, okay, that uh that I forget about because I'm thinking about me and what's down the line that's going to make you feel okay and fill that hole. Um and uh and so uh getting back to it, I I worked through the steps um with this um sponsor and uh and he and it truly truly there was there was a change that took place and uh you know I wasn't walking on air but I can remember um at certain points working those steps where I was thinking my god you know I'm getting it you know you know and it was only in retrospect that we ever see this stuff, you know, and and sometimes I cringe when we hear the promises because I'm like, "Oh my god," you know, um you work for the promises, you know, and and the pro the promises are byproducts of of right living of of a process um that has been proven year after year after year after year to work.

Okay? And we do it because we see it in others and we try it because we hurt and we're willing to do whatever it takes. Okay?

And through willingness, we start getting the gifts at the exact increments and times that we're supposed to get them. Not before or not anymore than than what we're supposed to get. And I have big problems with that, okay?

Because I want what I want when I want it. And I want a lot of it. Um, and that's just me.

And um, you know, God's just got a different timetable for me. And uh you know I'm glad it hasn't happened in any other way. You know I I I know some people say that um and I've heard before and I totally believe in this is if I would have come into the program written down what I wanted out of this deal I would have totally shortch changed myself.

I would have g shot for all the wrong things, you know, and come up way short and I would have been miserable because I have no idea what makes Hugh happy in the long run because I have a I'm not given the full game plan, you know, I'm just not up there in the huddle, you know, with what's really going on. Um, it's just, you know, all I all I need to do is the next right thing and trust and start to try to develop each day a a better dependence upon um the God of my understanding and I and I just have to work toward that. I have no idea when I'm supposed to end because I don't know when we started.

Um so uh >> and when I get ready Okay. Okay. Thank you.

>> Um we'll be here a while folks. Yeah. No, I'm getting ready.

Um, and so I I work through I work through the steps and I have uh several times since and I have a new sponsor day that I had then. You know, I hit that point again um later in my sobriety. You know, I I and I hit those certain certain points where like I was telling you earlier, I I start to think I start to feel real good and things are flowing along real good and I get complacent.

And uh it happened to me probably um in about 10 years. Um I I was there again, you know, and I was uh I was hurting. Um I was running the show.

Um I I didn't have a sponsor again. And uh I my home group that at that time was communications group in Nashville and I there was this guy in there, man. He just hit me everything he said right on the head, man.

It was like God. And the thing I really liked about this guy is that he practiced this deal every day. No matter if it rained, uh, sun was shining, got up late.

Um, didn't matter. He had a routine that was in his life. And and I and I no longer did.

You know, I had worked the steps. I'd arrived. And uh and thank God, y'all, I had not arrived at those points in my sobriety because I would have missed out on the gifts that I have today.

You know, God, when I just think, you know, that I've gotten everything out of this deal, God just goes, "No, you're not even close to being there." You know, I'm gonna start crying. You know, I'm gonna uh get to that point in a second, the stuff God's given me. Um, there was this guy and the only problem with him is he had less sobriety than me, which isn't going to happen.

This this guy's not going to be my sponsor, you know. Oh, man. I He's going to listen to this CD, too.

Uh, but I really respected him, you know, and uh, no, I did. I did. I mean, this guy worked the program, but he had a couple years less than I did, you know, and and there again is the whole nature of the beast, you know.

I was just it was just ego kept me from doing what I needed to do. So, I needed to hurt a little bit longer. So, I kept going to this home group and I kept um talking good things in meetings, saying I'm fine, you know, um spouting off the stuff that I had used to do when I was working the program.

and uh and uh listen to this guy and want what he had, you know, in my life. And so I finally hurt bad enough and I saw him after a meeting and I said, "I need you to work um you know, with me on the steps and uh I wasn't going to use the word, you know, hey, you want me to sponsor you?" Yeah. Yeah.

If you don't mind, you you know, and I'm thinking we can sponsor one another and uh you know, yeah, still ego in there. Um, but thank God I took that step, you know, because that was another level of humility I needed to get to. I needed to again say, "I'm not doing it, you know.

I'm not doing the deal. Um, I am still running everything through me and to nobody else. I have no accountability." And uh and and I'm not asking for help anymore.

I'm back to the the problem. And uh and so I needed I needed to go through that again. So, uh, it's been about six or seven years ago.

I hope that's right, Dan. Um, and, uh, and thank God I went through that because what I found working with him, uh, is is, uh, is really the beauty and the essence of this fellowship. It it's it's it's what this program is all about.

You know, this program isn't to be worked and then u pat ourselves on the back, okay, and uh, and just kind of go off and do our deal. um this program is to be lived and uh and to become a part of our lives and uh and so he helped me to do that. But we worked through the steps again and he started me doing the deal on a daily basis and uh you know I can say that I haven't started or ended my day since then without hitting my knees without praying and uh and I had had to go through all that to get to that point.

Um and see the the problem with me in the past is I would do that for a period of time and then I would stop. Okay. and uh you know I guess things weren't happening fast enough or or I got busy again or or my life changed.

Um but what but I started to think about it and what I was doing is is I was I was not giving God a chance a true chance. I was I was giving God a period of time and and uh and I was not practicing it as a way of life and allowing God to do with me on his timetable what needs to be done with me. And uh and so I needed to get it away from um whether remembering or not.

And that's I think what this deal has to become for us. It has to become um second nature. It has to become habitual just like all the other crap I used to do was.

Um and I and today um I wouldn't I would know and my sponsor used to say this and I used to go Yeah, right. But I would no more leave the house without praying, hitting my knees and I would not wearing my pants, you know. And it had to become like that for me.

It had to become like that. Um because it takes it away from my will. It takes it away as a choice.

See, if I don't do it today, it's not because I forgot. It's because I chose not to do it. Um and it had to get there.

Um but I had to give it time. I had to give God time. And so um so today my life is pretty simple, you know.

I get up and I go to work and uh and I try to be productive. Oh, I get up. I uh do some readings.

I hit my knees. I get quiet and I and I pray and uh and then I go out and start my day and inevitably take my will back a few times. Um, but I try try to do the next right thing, which is usually just simple stuff, you know.

I try to make meetings, although not as many as I need to lately. Um, um, but I but I'm I still go, you know, I still go every week and uh and I I try to make contact with my sponsor. I try to help another alcoholic and I and I try to read a piece of of the literature every day.

Uh I I my sponsor got me reading two pages of the big big book um every day and that I think that pretty much the first 164 pages and I think that pretty much uh ensures that you'll go through that at least two or three times a year and uh he figured that out. Smart man. But uh but uh I do that and I and I that became a habit.

And so uh and then I I end my day um on my knees again, thanking God for that day. And um and my life is good today. My my life is is is better.

It's not it's not as eventful as I would have planned it, you know. It's not as as uh you know um it's not as grand as as some of the schemes I probably would have uh conjured up in my head, you know, of where I wanted to be right now. But there's no possible way that I would have been any happier than I am today.

No way. I uh I started uh let's see oh god um I had known somebody in the program uh for a while and we had been friends and we'd actually dated friends and and uh and we started dating um over three years ago now and um and dated for I mean over four years ago now sorry yeah you're right yeah because we yeah we're engaged a year. Sorry.

Um and uh and we started dating officially. Actually, our first date was four years ago at Tikpaw. It was but it was in February then.

That was like our first well our first semiate and then we went on a real date when we got home from Tikpaw. But uh but we started we started dating and uh and this is somebody that I that I had known in the program and and had a real good friendship with and uh and we both kind of went our ways and and uh she went off to college and uh we dated v you know various people and and uh and time went on and um you know God had a plan for us and uh so about four years ago she came back from college over four years ago now. Um, she came back from college.

Um, and uh, and I had the good sense to ask her out and we we decided to go on our first date at Tikpaw at the banquet uh, four years ago. And then we started dating after TikPaw and uh, and it was the smartest move I've ever made. You know, it was like uh, it was like all the things I had planned for myself, God just said, "No, wait.

There's something better." you know, and uh he uh let's see, we I asked her to marry me a year later. Um we were it was uh it was the millennium 2000 on the beach in Destin and uh this is pretty good, guys. Give me some props.

Okay, but uh but uh I had it planned out and it was like killing me, you know, like waiting for this moment. But like stroke of midnight, you know, fireworks went off over the ocean. I hit my knee and asked her to marry me.

And uh thanks. I I like to share it because it was a good moment for me. Um but uh and a year later we got married and actually we celebrated our second year anniversary in February.

Uh February the 3rd. I don't forget everything. Um and uh and you would think that that would be blessing enough, you know, to for God, you know, for God to get you sober, you know, and then to go through all the pains, you know, and and and and make you start to to love yourself again and to feel good and enjoy life.

And then he says, "No, you know, um, here, you know, here's a soulmate, you know, a person, you know, that compliments you perfectly." And, uh, you'd think that that would be enough, but six months ago, we had our child who's back there. Um, and, uh, who's here? And, uh, who's there?

Thank you. I was like, that's not my baby. That's her cousin.

Uh, there she is. And uh and it was just it was just God saying again how much he loves me, you know. And that's really what this deal is all about is uh I'm telling you, if if you don't find God in this deal, you're doing way wrong.

You know, way wrong. And and you are looking in all the wrong places because God is everywhere. And and every day I wake up, um I have the opportunity to have a spiritual experience.

And uh and I screw that up a lot, but um God keeps on blessing me and uh and giving me another day sober and another day of a beautiful life. And uh and I could not, as long as I live, be grateful enough um for that. And none of my actions could ever exemplify the gratitude that I have.

Um I heard I heard somebody sometimes say I used to hate gratitude meetings. They used to go we had a meeting in Nashville called the gratitude meeting and I don't know if anybody remembers that but uh every week it was the same people and they would think of like that week the thing to be grateful for you know h you know I got an A in class you know it was like and I was like god this is old you know and so I hated gratitude meetings for a long time because it just seemed redundant to me but I was in a meeting and there was an old-timer in Florida and that and his whole talk he gave was on gratitude and and and he he was the first person to really um have to make me understand of gratitude as an action and that and that we live gratitude and he and he talked about it is is like getting a toolbox for Christmas which I believe I've been given is a set of tools getting a toolbox for Christmas and going man thanks these are the best damn tools I've ever seen I can do a whole lot with these you know and then you go and put them in the storage room and never look at them again you And uh and the fact is is if I'm grateful for that, I'm using that to good purpose. If I'm grateful for those tools, and if I'm grateful for the tools I have today and that I've been freely given um through a loving God, then I need to be using those and I need to be practicing this deal one day at a time.

And I'm really grateful to have been given this opportunity. And uh it's a great honor and I appreciate um y'all sitting there and being attentive to me. Thank you.

I love y'all. >> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day. >>