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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. I've >> known Jason for probably 9 years since the year 2000. And um the way I met him was a couple of friends of mine that I went through treatment with, he was sponsoring.

And uh then what happened is they went out and relapsed and uh I was kind of left with no young people around me and uh Jason pretty much opened up his home to me. I would come up and see him on weekends uh from Mississippi and I owe probably owe a good portion of my sobriety to him. He's offered a lot to Tickpaw and a lot to young people all over Tennessee.

And so without further ado, Jason >> >> Hey guys, my name is Jason Battles. I'm an alcoholic. >> Thank you.

I love you guys, too. >> And the energy and the love and the laughter in here is is awesome. >> This is exactly what I needed and I I hope it's exactly what all you guys need.

Uh before we get started, um is if anyone's here for their first TikPaw, never been here before, stand up. And for for all of those of you that are that didn't stand up, uh let's make it our job this weekend to help everybody uh who's never been here feel welcome and loved. Uh because that that's what Tik Paw's done for me.

And uh There's a gentleman here who's This is tickpod number 27 if you guys didn't realize. And there's a guy here that's been to all 27 in a row. Uh Ron, stand up.

>> Stand up. That will conclude the audience participation portion. Thank you guys.

If uh there's a lot of people that have a lot of love for TikPaw here and have been coming here for years and supporting us. So, uh ask around. This is my uh 10th Tikpaw and I'm I'm really grateful to be here and I'm grateful to be sober.

And my sobriety date is May 16th of 1999. My home group is uh the Hickory Hill Group in Memphis, Tennessee. We meet Tuesday nights and Saturday nights at 8:00 p.m.

So if you're ever in Memphis and you're looking for a meeting, my name is Jason Battles and I'm in the phone book. Call me and we'll go to a meeting or I'll tell you how to get to one. And that that's been my experience with Alcoholics Anonymous that sometimes we can be too anonymous inside the program.

And I've known people for going on 10 years and I can't tell you their last name. I I really don't know anyone's last name. Uh sometimes I don't even know their first name, but I I know their faces.

Uh and you know, that's been a big thing the longer that I stay sober is when things happen and people when we're looking for one another, sometimes it's hard to find each other. Um I I don't know what most, you know, young speakers do. Uh I I'm a real bad critic.

of a real bad speaker critic and uh I can't stand it when people talk for 55 minutes about their drunk log and then say they're grateful to be sober. So I I'm going to skip through mine really fast. And uh you know if if I wasn't an alcoholic, I wouldn't be here.

So I I really don't feel the need to qualify that much. Uh I I've been sober a little over three times longer than I ever drank. So hopefully I can talk about my sobriety for about three times longer than I talk about what it was like when I drank.

That's the goal. And uh you know I definitely qualify for this program genetically. I come from a long line of distinguished alcoholics.

And I thought that's what made me an alcoholic is because my parents were and my grandparents were. And uh coming to AA, I I came to realize that I'm an alcoholic because I put alcohol in my body. No one ever forced me to.

You know, I I was uh you know, they talk about victims and volunteers. My entire uh I wouldn't call it drinking career. It's more of like a drinking internship.

It was it was real short and I didn't I didn't get a whole lot out of it. you know that that's and I think most young people are like that. Uh so anyway, nobody ever made me drink.

I I was definitely a volunteer and that's the way I've tried to be through uh through my sobriety because I I've heard in here and I firmly believe that uh that victims get drunk. Um, so anyway, I uh growing up, you know, I'm from a small town in Arkansas. Nothing really traumatic ever happened to me.

Nothing bad happened to me. Uh, I was just like, I've heard in here, and I could really relate when people talked about feeling uncomfortable and and just being being uncomfortable. Something didn't sit right with me.

And it was that way for as long as I can ever remember. And I I think that that I was born with all of the isms and all I needed to do was add alcohol and they're, you know, I had alcoholism. Um, but growing up, you know, things were fine.

I have two sisters. We're all very close. We're less than a year apart, so we're we're very close.

Um, but grew up, you know, my my father was a workaholic and an alcoholic. My mother was there but not there at the same time. Uh, but, you know, nothing traumatic happened that I can really point my finger on that turned me into an alcoholic as a child.

Uh, my my parents got divorced at a young age. I think I was I was I don't know, seven, eight. And that was probably about the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to me.

And when the book talks about Jackal and hide, that's where I learned from a very early age how to manipulate people, how to play one person against the other person to get what I want. Uh, and you know, I just kind of hone those skills as I grew up as an alcoholic. And I think, you know, that that's what most of us do.

and I saw other people do it and I just kind of mimicked and parited their behavior. Um, but growing up I had these two separate lives just like I did when I was drinking and I would stay with uh my mother half the week and it was like leave it to Beaver Dinner on the table 6 p.m. every night rules consistency things that you know children need.

I I had all that say Monday through Thursday night and then Thursday night I would go to my father's house and it was like party time even even as a little kid you know there were no rules no regulation no consistency and I learned you know from this early age that uh that that I I can basically do what I want and I can tell one parent one thing and tell the other parent one thing and you know just just make my own way. And this, you know, continued for years. And I I did fine in school and everything was okay.

And uh, you know, I had a I had a car and I drove, you know, at like, I don't know, age 12ish. And I don't know if that's normal, but I I couldn't do that in my normal life, but I could do it in my crazy life on the weekends, you know, and I was always volunteering to go to the store to get my dad cigarettes or whatever, you know, when it was just like when you get your license and you're always willing to go to the store. Um, and in the small town that I grew up in, you know, my my father's a prominent doctor and everyone knows everyone.

So if I ever got in trouble, the police would just bring me home kind of like they do on Andy Griffith where they just kind of drop you off the front door and they go talk to your parents. And so that started to happen right before I started drinking. And you know, I didn't really start drinking till I was uh I was a sophomore in high school.

I was 16 years old. And man, I can remember it like everybody talks about remembering their first drink. Of course, I was with older kids and could always relate to them.

And uh I went and I just did everything all in one night. I drank, I did drugs, I smoked, and I had sex. It was like the big bang.

And And it was it was great. It was great. And I I remember uh those like Nancy Reagan Just Say No to Drugs commercials.

And I was thinking like, "Oh no, am I going to be homeless living on the streets?" And you know, I could remember all those commercials. So, you know, they worked to some extent. They just didn't work that well.

Uh, and you know, I was off to the races. And just like everyone in here says that, uh, something magical happened. I put alcohol in my body and something happened.

And, you know, I got sick and it was great and I couldn't wait to do it again. And, you know, I wasn't uh an all day everyday drinker. being at this conference and seeing so many young people and teenagers, young teenagers, it's nice to be able to find people to relate to.

Uh alcohol just was not accessible, you know, and I lived I I was an underage alcoholic in a dry county, so they did not serve alcohol in my county. I had to go 45 minutes down the interstate to try to profile some guy in the parking lot to see if he would buy me beer. And we called it just we called it pulling a hey mister.

And we'd go, "Hey mister, will you buy some beer?" And he'd think, "Sure." And we'd give him this list like a scroll. We just pull it out and we'd give him hundreds of dollars. and he just, you know, generally the guy we profiled, you know, he was cool if we bought his, I don't know, mad dog or whatever he got.

Uh, so he would have like a $2 purchase out of our $200 purchase, but we would just get as much alcohol as we could just cuz it was so difficult. And, uh, you know, the fact that there were only two liquor stores, one on either side of the interstate. My friend's dad owned one, so we couldn't go to that one.

So, I mean, so the options were limited, but you know, I I was willing to go to any length, any length to drink alcohol and to change the way that I felt. And I I didn't know that at the time, but, you know, it was true. And through high school, uh, again, you know, I was leading the double lives and I was a really good student and I was, you know, on all these committees and the president in the band and did all these things and drinking and getting high every weekend and that Dr.

Jackekal and Mr. Hyde and I I didn't think that it was uh abnormal. And like most alcoholics I've met, you know, I surrounded myself with people who were worse than me.

So, I really didn't look that bad compared to my buddies. And uh looking back, you know, I'm really grateful that I survived my teenage years and lived through them. Uh so, you know, being in this small town, uh we had access to a lot of dynamite.

And I have all my fingers and all my toes and you know people were blowing things up and uh it was just it was it was like Dukes and it was like Duke's a hazard was what it was like. Uh ramping cars and just things that teenagers do that I thought was completely normal that apparently it is not very normal. Uh maybe for those of us in here.

Uh anyway, I went through high school, everything was fine, but you know, alcohol was continuing to take a more important part of my life. And I I was less and less concerned with my family. I was less concerned with girls.

I was less concerned with everything except alcohol. It was most important. And I I I really didn't It's not that I didn't want to have a real serious girlfriend.

It's just that I couldn't. I didn't have time for it. I had alcohol.

That was all that I needed. And I eventually, you know, went off to college and I I could have gone to any college I wanted to and I picked this small private college. And my older sister actually um went to the same school.

And the dynamics of our family, you know, she's the angel. She's never drank. She's never did drugs.

She's probably one of the best people I've ever met in my life. I don't know how she I think she might be adopted or something. So, I don't know how she fits in.

She's definitely not an alcoholic. Then there's me in the middle. I'm a little of both.

And then there's my younger sister. She's kind of the rowdy one. Um, so we kind of have, you know, the full spectrum like we do here in AA.

Um, anyway, all these people that knew my older sister, Jenny, uh, thought that I was going to be just like her. And we and I I tried I tried my hardest to uh to be that good person who was polite and maybe at least acted like they went to church and you know was was a good person. And I I tried and we had this orientation trip and you know I went and all the people already knew me because it was such a small school through my sister and I showed up and I tried to be good and I managed for like a day and I met this girl and I had been at college for probably about two hours maybe and I met this girl and I I just instantly fell in love and it was just like she was exactly what I had been looking for as an 18-y y old kid.

She was an alcoholic, drug addict, nyomaniac. And I was like, I have I have arrived. And on day two of college, she moved in with me and and my roommate into our dorm room.

And uh it was it was crazy. It was those intense alcoholic relationships that, you know, some of us get pulled into. And it was madness and it was over in 90 days.

Uh but it was yeah it was a blast. It was it was what I thought college was. And you know the crazy thing about this college it was extremely liberal and and they had this alcohol policy.

And at the time it was just the most stringent thing I'd ever heard of. It was uh this was the whole policy. Put your alcohol in a cup with a lid.

That's it. That's whole policy. Cup lid.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. And if you got in trouble with alcohol, it was a $50 fine.

And I think I amassed about $3,000 worth of fines in my first semester. I just couldn't cut cup lid. Just couldn't do it.

And uh and you know that that's that's not normal and I thought that it was okay. You know, I thought they were just cracking down on me. They were it was circumstances like it talks about in the book.

If this was different, then that would be different. And you know, on and on and it was never my fault. It was always everyone else's fault and all these things.

And anyway, my my drinking was was seriously progressing. And I did okay my first year of school. I don't know.

I pulled out like a three-point or something. I don't know how. And I I went back home and uh again, alcohol was becoming more important than my friends and my family than than anyone.

And I went back for my second year of school. I guess it was 19 years old, 18, 19. And uh by this time, you know, we we had this crazy schedule.

We had like a we went to class Monday, Tuesday. We were off on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, you know. So to an alcoholic party Thursday night, party Friday night, party Saturday night, recover Sunday, recover Monday.

Got a party Tuesday night because we're off on Wednesday, recover Wednesday. So I was binge drinking, blackout drinking uh at least four or five nights a week consistently. And I I thought that was okay because there were those two nights in between that I could kind of, you know, make myself feel okay.

And just alcohol was was was the most important thing in my life and and I didn't even notice. And and that's it. That's my drunk log.

Um now moving on to what happened. I uh I had this roommate, this randomly assigned roommate um who was I hope this guy's found his way to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't know if you can be a marijuana addict, but if you can, this guy was it.

Uh and uh he he was a big guy. And we had, you know, dorm rooms have these tiny little bunk beds. and um he couldn't get in the bunk bed so he he slept in this recliner and uh he lived in that recliner and my my younger sister had come up to party with us you know probably four or five times had never seen the guy outside of the recliner ever.

Uh so anyway, this guy would just sit in there and smoke pot all day and and never left the room and you would have like food delivered in. Uh and you know in here we we talk about uh a moment of clarity and God wasn't a part of my life before I came to AA. And when I said alcohol was the most important thing in my life, it really was.

It was big enough that I didn't have to uh I didn't have to pray. I had alcohol. I didn't have to think about God.

I had alcohol. It did everything for me that I needed. I didn't really even need other people.

I just needed alcohol. And you know, we we were in our tiny little dorm room and uh I was going to get alcohol and this was uh it was the day before school was out. So, one more day of school and then Christmas break.

This was in um I don't know, December 1998. And I was going to get more alcohol and more drugs and and this thought came to me like a like a lightning bolt that if I go and get all these things, I'm going to get busted. And I had never had that, you know, I'd been paranoid and stuff, but I never had that clarity of thought like that.

And I just brushed it off like I brushed it off those thousands of times that had happened before. You know, times when I shouldn't have been alive and I was alive. Um I went and I got all these things and I brought them back to our little dorm room and you know with all the superintendants and all the people that would give me all the little alcohol finds were all standing outside the room.

I thought this is strange. And I tried to put my key in the door and it didn't work. And they all came up and they said, "Mr.

Battles, uh your key doesn't work because we've changed your locks." I thought, "Oh, that's not good." And uh he said, "I I want you to sit down uh right here. I'm going to go get some people." And you know, I had all these all this alcohol and drugs on me and I was just I was so paranoid. So, what did I do?

I ran over to my neighbor's room and asked him if he could hold on to this momentarily and came back and you know it was a private school and they didn't call the police and the guy said you know if you're cooperative with us and give us whatever you have uh then we won't call the authorities and so we were very cooperative and you know they just pulled trash bags and trash bags out of our uh dorm room of you know alcohol and drugs and all these things we weren't supposed to have at school And my instant reaction was to blame everything on him. And I I just had this great idea, you know, like we do. How can I get myself out of this?

Well, here's two great ideas, you know. Number one, I'll blame my roommate for everything. And number two, I'll tell everybody that I'm an alcoholic and that I need help.

And yeah, I thought it was a great idea at the time. and and that that would be retribution enough for all these things I had done. I probably seen it on TV or something that uh all these people come around them and you know do their little intervention or hugging or something and uh you know I so I told everyone this at school and they said well great we'll get you some help.

I thought no I don't want any help. Uh so they they you know made me they said you're kicked off campus temporarily since it was the last day of school and like what could they do? Um so I went home.

It was Christmas break and I I went home and I was on break and uh I was trying not to tell my parents this secret, the biggest secret of my entire life. And I didn't know what was going to happen. And uh I I managed it to hold it in for a couple weeks like we do.

And finally, I uh I had another great idea and I thought, you know, I'm going to I have to tell my parents. So, I decided that I would go to my mother and I would tell her and I'd say, I got this terrible thing that I have to tell you. It's terrible.

Uh but I can't tell you right now. Uh and then I went and told my father and I said the exact same thing. Oh, it's terrible.

I told mom, "Man, uh we we need to meet at your house tomorrow." And I gave him a whole night to just just mle it over and uh really come up with some awful things. And by the time they came together the next day, uh you know, I told them I got in trouble at school and I got caught with alcohol and drugs. They were like, "That's it?" You know, cuz they had invented like we do with this magic magnifying mind all these horrible things.

And uh I said, "Well, good. We want you to stop drinking and doing drugs." And you know, I I tried. And I I'm real grateful that I've had that experience before I came here because I realized that I can't get sober on my own and I can't stay sober on my own.

And it was the most miserable month. I managed to stay sober for a month and I wanted to die every single day. And every day was worse than the day before.

And I thought I could do it and I just couldn't. And like our book says, you know, some trivial reason came along and I just said, you know, screw it. Let's go drink.

And I remember going uh to somebody's house and I started drinking. And the moment I started, I didn't want to anymore. And you know, I started feeling that feeling and I wanted it to go away.

And it was my birthday and all these people were coming over to my house and I had started and I couldn't stop. And uh you know, I had to go act play that game with my family like I was okay. And uh you know, from then on I was off to the races.

And I thought my family didn't know and in that you know brief month period I had started getting a little clarity uh coming out of that fog and instantly it was gone. And when the book talks about you know after this brief period of sobriety if we drink again it gets worse never better. And I firmly believe that and I truly picked up right where I left off.

And granted it was only a month but that was the longest I'd ever been sober since I had started drinking. And uh I really believe in the fatalness of this disease. And anyway, I kept drinking for I don't know a month or two.

And I was pretty messed up the whole time. And uh my parents pulled that trick on me that I pulled on them. And I came over and my dad showed up and my mom showed up and I thought, "Oh no, something happened.

It's terrible." And uh they said, "You know, we know you've been drinking. We want you to go to treatment." And this was Friday, May 14th. And uh I just said okay cuz I I couldn't do it any longer.

And you know I wasn't sure that I was an alcoholic. I thought that I was depressed. And you know if you take a solution away from an alcoholic we are depressed cuz I didn't have anything else to put in myself to make me okay.

Um, and you know, I had this other great idea and I I told my parents uh they said, "Well, the treatment center is not uh intaking admitting new patients till Sunday." And this was Friday. And I said, "Great. I'll be back on Sunday." And, you know, I'm real grateful for that because uh I know a lot of young kids that get jerked into treatment straight off the bus or wherever, you know, however they get home from school.

And uh that that didn't happen to me. And I I had an entire weekend to go drink and do drugs like it was the second and last time that I was ever going to do them again. And I did.

And I went back to that college on Friday night uh that I had been suspended from. And uh I drank like it was the second to last time I was ever going to. And I met this girl and we were going off somewhere, I don't know.

And I was a blackout drinker and that was my favorite thing about drinking. And I called it time travel because I I would be here and I would start drinking and I would wind up in another city or another state or another place and have no idea how I got there. And I think when you're a teenager, maybe it's fun, but once, you know, I hear people in Alcoholics Anonymous talk about what it's like when they have children and responsibilities, and it doesn't sound so fun.

Uh, but for me, it was fun. Uh, and I I remember distinctly, you know, I I went off with this girl and the next day I woke up on a couch somewhere and I didn't know where I was and I didn't know who I was and I didn't know where my car was and I didn't know anything. And just for some reason it struck me.

This is abnormal. Normal people don't do this. And I just shook it off like I always did.

And I went uh went back home and it was high school graduation night. And this was the last time that I had a drink. And I was drinking like it was the last time I was ever going to drink.

And uh and I did and I had fun. And uh my buddies dropped me off at my house and they said, "Hey, we'll come by and get you tomorrow." And I said, "No, you won't. I'm going to treatment." And uh they were really surprised cuz I, you know, I didn't I didn't tell anybody.

And I I learned from an early age, don't ever tell anybody what's really going on with you because they might be able to use that against you. Uh so I never did. And anyway, I woke up the next day and I went to treatment.

And I I I stayed impatient for three days, you know, and I just like a good alcoholic, I was really uh I was really offended that they tried to take my shoelaces away and they wouldn't let me have my little razor to shave. And you know, I I think being so young and being a teenager, you know, I didn't have uh I didn't have any DTS. I just I was fine physically.

I didn't have any problems. I just I had a tough time sleeping, you know, for a night or two, but I definitely was not an alcoholic. And I, you know, was over 18, so I was in the adult treatment center.

And I looked around and I thought, God, these people have problems. And, you know, looking back now, they were where I would have been a few years later. I just couldn't see it at the time.

And you know, the miracle happened when this man from Alcoholics Anonymous showed up and he was about my age now and he was dressed in a suit and he was smiling and he was laughing and something was going on with that guy and uh he came in and he told his story and he carried the message like we do in here and he said uh that that's where I had my moment of clarity and he said you know when I was in college I thought I would drink up to this point till I'm 25 and then I graduate college and I would stop. I would get that job and I would stop. I would get married and I would stop or moderate.

Uh and then you know it that progression and I had told myself all those things. When this happens I'll stop or moderate. When this happens I'll stop or moderate.

and he and he told his story and he and he told the progression and I saw myself doing those things and it just cracked the door just that much and I thought, well, maybe I can be an alcoholic. Maybe I qualify. Probably not, but maybe.

And uh that was enough willingness, this man from Alcoholics Now is telling me his story to uh to make me decide to stick around for uh a 90-day outpatient treatment. And uh you know, it was probably the most willing I've ever been in my sobriety. I got up every day at like 4 5 a.m.

and drove to Little Rock about an hour and a half away and did treatment for like eight hours, drove home, went to a meeting, you know, and rinse and repeat. And I did that every single day for 90 days. And uh and then somewhere along the lines, I had uh you know, I had auditioned to this music school at Memphis.

I never really been to Memphis and uh uh I graduated, I love that word, I graduated treatment and what I really did is I graduated to Alcoholics Anonymous and uh I moved to Memphis and I I remember distinctly, you know, I was driving in my little car. I had it packed up with all my belongings and I took a wrong turn and I was in this really shady area downtown and uh I saw all these cop cars and I thought, "Oh, at this gas station, I thought, "Oh, that's a great place. I'll pull over and ask these guys.

Uh cuz I wasn't afraid anymore. I had a little glimpse of that freedom. And uh apparently somebody had just gotten murdered.

And they were like, they told me uh get in your car, roll up your windows, and go just drive straight. Don't stop. And I I just thought, oh my god, wow.

This is where I'm going to be living. And uh I I I lived in the dorms and I I stayed sober. And it's possible to go to college or to return to college and live in the dorms and stay sober.

And at that time, you know, I I was I was willing and I knew you needed to get a sponsor. And I found this meeting uh real close to the university. And I I started showing up and it was this meeting called the NAB group, New Action Beginners.

Man, it was scary. But you know, the blessing of being new in sobriety is I didn't know that it was scary. I just thought that's what AA was.

And people were nice and they reached out to me and all that. I just uh I just couldn't really relate to a bunch of 50year-old steel workers. Uh and it's not to say they didn't do what we do in AA.

You know, I think when we're we're a special group of people, and that's why conferences like this are so important to show other young people that it's possible to get sober and to stay sober and that you're not alone. And there weren't a lot of young people in Memphis or there wasn't a lot of unity. Maybe they were dispersed.

I don't know, 10 years ago, there weren't a whole lot. Uh but there were enough to have conferences like this. And uh you know it's thanks to the people that had gone before us and helped us out cuz we definitely couldn't have done it on our own.

But anyway, I I went to a lot of meetings and I asked this guy to be my sponsor. He was kind of young looking and uh you know, come to find out he hadn't really worked the steps. >> And it was a it was a real hard time in my sobriety because I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing and I went to class all day every day.

I made straight A's and I was miserable cuz just because I was coming to meetings didn't mean that I was getting any better. I just wasn't likely getting any worse. I hadn't started working the steps yet.

And one day I was sitting locked up in my little dorm room and uh I only knew two roads in Memphis. I knew Papa and I knew Perkins. And uh if you know those roads that like connects to everything.

Uh and I saw this meeting. It was called Serenity. And I was right at the corner basically at Popler and Perkins.

And I thought, you know, I've heard that word before, serenity. I think I need some of that. And uh I went up there and it it changed my life.

Because it was it was a true AA meeting. And people reached out their hands. And they said, "We're glad you're here.

Welcome. Come sit by us. Would you like some coffee doing all the things that we do in here?" And they also razed me a little, you know, like the old-timers do.

And uh you know I came to find out that they do that out of love. And also uh they didn't necessarily accept me automatically. They accepted me as an alcoholic, but they wanted to see if I was going to come back before they really put any effort into me because there were other people there that may have been more willing than me.

And uh anyway, I I met a lot of sober longtime members of Alcoholics Anonymous. And this guy was really talking to me a lot. And it was the first time that anyone had ever reached their hand out and made me feel welcome.

And it was a big deal. It was a real big deal. Uh then after the meeting, he invited me out for coffee and donuts.

And uh you know, as trivial as that sounds, it was the biggest thing that had happened to my sobriety up to that point. No one had invited me to anything. And uh I definitely didn't feel part of any.

I went out and started talking to this guy and he looked really old, but he had like some cool shoes on or something, you know. Come to find out he was eight or nine years older than me. He just had really gray hair and looked old.

Um, excuse me. So anyway, we went out and I asked him to be my sponsor and I felt this love of AA that we have in here and uh we started working the steps and I would go to his house and we would sit in his driveway in lawn chairs and read the book and I really believe like it talks about that when one alcoholic meets with another alcoholic and shares experience strength and hope that that's when recovery begins and that's when it began for me and we sat out in his driveway for I don't know couple months and I thought that's what you did in AA. Apparently that's not what you do in AA and uh you know this about a year or two prior to this uh he was sponsoring a young guy in AA who uh you know had a mental break and shot some people and killed them in AA.

And uh I didn't know that we were sitting out in the driveway cuz he didn't want to bring me into my home cuz he didn't know me well enough. And uh I I learned very quickly that just because people are in these rooms doesn't mean they want to get better. And you know, I've met the best people I've ever met in my life in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I've also met some of the craziest. Uh so now when I meet people, I uh I'm a little more cautious and it's just uh it's just from my experience. Um, so anyway, sorry to be morbid there.

Uh, we continued to work the steps and, uh, something started happening and like when I drank, something happened. When I read the book, something happened. And I think what was most important for me is is the freedoms that we grant one another in Alcoholics Anonymous that you might not think about.

Like the freedom to uh for me to say that I'm an alcoholic or not, that no one forces me to make that decision. And I found all that stuff in the book. And we started reading through and we read every single page.

We read the forward and the preface and the doctor's opinion and Bill's story and there is a solution and so on. Uh and and what I found in there was was amazing. This book spoke to me like nothing else ever did.

And the concept up to that point I would identify as an alcoholic, but I don't know if I really believed it. And people told me that uh maybe you're not an alcoholic. Maybe you're just a problem drinker.

And if drinking is causing you problems in your life, then maybe it's a problem. Stay around. Come back and find out what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And if you want to be a part of it, you're welcome to. And uh that was kind of that open door policy that we have here. And it was very beneficial for me.

We started reading the book and in the doctor's opinion, it talked about the the allergy and the phenomenon of craving. And that that's what makes me an alcoholic is when I put alcohol into my body, it causes the phenomenon of craving. And I cannot stop.

And that's what makes me an alcoholic. And that's what differentiates me from people who are non-alcoholic. It doesn't have anything to do with how much money I have or how much education or how much my parents have or any of that.

When I drink, something happens. And that's simple. That's black and white.

And when I drink, something happened. And I said, 'Well, maybe I am an alcoholic. Maybe I do qualify for this program.

And uh that was really important for me to realize because I was so busy looking in the meetings at everyone's outsides and I hadn't lost a job or a car or a house or wife. I didn't have any of those things to lose. And when I got into the book, I saw I found the solution.

And the secret is hidden in the book. and I had to get a sponsor to show me where all that stuff is. And I had read through the book.

I just couldn't understand it and I needed someone to explain it to me from their own experience. And you know, one of the other greatest freedoms and it's early in the book. It's on page 12.

It's when uh Ebie and Bill meet and they're talking and Ebie says, you know, why don't you choose your own conception of God, however limited that it may be, just use that as a starting point and you can grow from there. And no one had ever presented the God concept or idea like that to me. And no one had ever asked what I thought about God.

I had just always seen people tell me what I should believe about God. And here in AA, black and white in the pages, my sponsor asked me, "What do you think about God? What has your experience shown you?" And I rattled off a few things.

And you know, I I think that's one of the greatest freedoms that we allow in here is the ability to start right where we are. And he told me that, you know, everything you need to know about God right now. And it's enough to keep you sober and it's enough to get you sober.

And, you know, that was really empowering. because I thought that I had to be a better person or I had to do different things. And when I came into AA and uh I heard people saying God and in the same sentence, I realized that the hoop is pretty large and it talks about that in the 12 and 12 and it's broad and roomy and allincclusive and that's what AA is too, you know, and I'm I'm really grateful for that and Uh my sponsor was talking about his concept of God and I don't remember what it was but it was comforting and he said if you don't have one you can borrow mine till you get your own or you know the things that I hear and hear good orderly direction use the group and you know one of the things I don't hear it as much anymore but I used to hear it that uh if you have a problem with God just use the doorork knob and you know I really disagree with that because uh it says take your own conception however limited It is.

And uh it doesn't say invent a god cuz if I invented a god it would probably look a lot like me and do whatever I wanted to do. And that's what I did before I got sober. and going through and you know coming up with this conception and believing that uh whatever I came up with was enough to keep me sober and help me get sober and keep me sober and uh you know go moving a little forward to step three.

I just started praying and my sponsor asked me to find a God that I could talk to and uh it was simple and I I really didn't know how to pray and my sponsor said well why don't you ask God to relieve you of the desire to stop drinking. I had never thought about that ever. And you know, I still pray that prayer every day.

And most times throughout the day when something happens, I just say, "God, please help me." And I fill in the blank. And uh it's it works. It really does.

And probably one of the most important things I did in my sobriety is I went through and uh I did a fourth step. And I was terrified of the fourth step. And I'd heard all these rumors about it.

And I think most of them are started by people who have never done one cuz it it's very simple. You know, I make three columns who I'm resentful at, what they did to me, what it affected, and then I add this extra column and say what I did to them. You know, that's the resentments.

And then I write down all my fears. And in those resentments, you know, I look at people, principles, and institutions. And as an alcoholic, I came here and I hated people and I hated inanimate objects.

I hated schools and I hated police departments. I hated all these things. And uh I was just eating up with resentment.

And I I wrote all that stuff down on paper and I started looking at my own behavior, taking an honest look. And you know what I found is uh that that on the balance I I did worse things to people than they ever thought about doing to me. And I definitely wasn't the kind of person that I wanted to be.

And I looked at all my fears and we boiled them down and I realized I just had a couple. And that long list wasn't so long. And then I looked at my sex conduct and I looked where I was selfish, inconsiderate, dishonest, where I aroused jealousy, bitterness, anger, and basically I just sum it up is uh what I did that was shitty and what I would have done if I was a decent person.

And that's it. That's it, folks. That's the whole forep.

And I wrote all that stuff down. And I was as honest and thorough as I was capable of being. and I took it to my sponsor and uh we had met throughout the process so it wasn't so scary and we we went over all of that and I thought you know we're finished and he took this piece of paper out and he wrote something on it and he slid it across the table and I picked it up and I looked at it at the top it said secrets and my heart just sank cuz I thought how does he know and uh he knows because his sponsor did that to him.

Um, and he said, "I want you to write down on this piece of paper what you didn't put in that inventory and what you were planning on not telling me." And I wrote it down and I slid it back across the table at him. And uh, and that was that. And you know, it's been my experience that uh that there's always something on somebody's sheet of paper and it's always sexreated and that's the stuff that keeps us sick and that's the stuff that takes us out to drink or keeps us in fear of ever doing an inventory or four step, you know.

And I've been privileged enough to do a lot of fisteps with a lot of different guys and I've never heard anything you new and unique. You know, we're not a very unique group of people. We think we are, but we're really not.

Uh, and it was the first time in my life I ever felt a part of Alcoholics Anonymous because I actually did some work that a lot of people just don't do. And I I felt that I earned my chair, not through my drinking, but through my actions, that I deserve to be here. And, you know, I think some of the best promises are in the book are the fifth promises.

And it talks about being able to hold your head up and look the world in the eyes and feel the nearness of our creator. And that's what happened to me. Not instantly.

When I finished, I felt terrible. And I felt terrible because it was the first time I ever took an honest look at my behavior. And in black and white, I saw what kind of person I was.

And it talks about in the resentments, fancied or real. So I can hate people for things they didn't even do to me. And uh looking at that stuff, you know, it it painted a very clear picture of of who I was at the time.

And I was as earnest as I had ever been about not wanting to be that way anymore. And we continued to read the book. And you know, that's what six and seven helped me do.

And this lady, you know, it's amazing the things we hear in Alcoholics Anonymous and whose mouth it comes out of. And I thought, you know, I'd been to all these schools and I knew all these things. I remember this lady, she had probably like a third or fourth grade education.

And uh we were talking about shortcomings and I didn't know what they were. And she said, you know, she believed that shortcomings were when you had too much of me and not enough God. And that that made sense to me, you know, that made a lot of sense to me.

And I could look at my life and see where I had too much of me and not enough God. And you know, I took my inventory. And I know a lot of people burn it or I don't know what they do with it.

My sponsor said, "Hold on to that. That's your eighth step." And uh, you know, being a little lazy, I didn't uh I didn't want to do that again. So, I held on to it.

And uh you know, I'm really grateful that I had a sponsor and that he cautioned me about trying to go make amends to people too soon. And I've seen a lot of people get drunk when they come into the program and we think we're doing better and we want to go tell everybody how sorry we are. And you know, the reason that it's twothirds of the way through is because I might not be prepared for what someone is going to tell me if I go do that too soon.

And you know, I'm real grateful that uh I was a young person when I did it because I just wasn't out there long enough to do that much damage. And I sat with my sponsor and I I selfishly wanted to go to every one of those people and tell them how sorry I was for things that I had done five or 10 years earlier when, you know, they didn't probably remember who I was. And we checked people off the list where it may cause more harm.

And you know, sometimes that was difficult. And I I learned that some of the best amends that I can make is never to reappear in that person's life again. That they would be better off not ever seeing me again.

And I just wanted to run to these girls and tell them how sorry I was for whatever happened, you know, and I realized that uh selfishly I I could have caused harm. And that's why I have a sponsor and that's why we check those people off the list. You know, right around this time I started uh this guy was like 14 or 15 started coming around the meetings.

He asked me to be a sponsor and you know I was terrified and I I didn't know what to do and you know I went and asked my sponsor and uh you know one of the most important things I left out is uh he gave me six things to do on a daily basis. This was like from day one. I don't know he's going to kill me for not remembering that.

Uh, and he said, 'If you do these six things every day, you won't have to get drunk. You won't have to get drunk and your life will get better. And they're real simple.

And he said, 'Take out your big book and write it on the first page. Uh cuz that's, you know, a blank page. Uh and they're they're simple.

It's don't drink, go to meetings, pray, read the book, call three alcoholics a day, and number six is ask questions because sometimes I think I know everything. And most alcoholics, I think, get those five, maybe four. Uh, for him and for me, I needed number six.

And, uh, I started doing those things every day. And when this guy asked me to sponsor him, I uh, I called my sponsor. I said, you know, what do I do?

He said, well, you take them and you have him open his book and you write down those six things. You start reading the book just like I read with you. And you don't have to tell him anything that you didn't do.

And you don't have to make things up. And if you didn't do it to get sober and to stay sober, then he doesn't have to do it. And you know, it's pretty simple.

I just tell people right where I am. And you know, that's amazing. I started carting this little guy around.

We go to all these meetings. I was so proud to have a little sponsor. And uh I don't I don't think that's the point of it, but uh you know, I was I was I was proud.

And uh you know, I'm really grateful that I've sponsored a lot of guys over the years. And uh you know most of them aren't sober and I used to really beat myself up for that and feel that it was my fault. And uh you know I've realized that uh I have a 100% success rate in sponsorship.

I've stayed sober the entire time. And uh I heard people say that in here and I and I believe it. And you know, occasionally I would think about doing these wacky California things that I hear people do and or you know, I don't know, things that I never had to do.

And I would I would run it past my sponsor and he would say, "Did you do that?" And I would tell him, "No." He said, "Why the hell do you think that someone else needs to do that? If what I did worked with you, then likely it will work with someone else." And you know, that's the miracle of this program is I don't have to be unique. I don't have to reinvent myself.

And most importantly, I don't have to reinvent the program. It works just fine just the way it is. And uh I'm grateful for that.

And you know, one of the other big components of my sobriety has always been service work. And I believe, you know, in the uh three legacies of this program, unity, service, and recovery. And you know, the steps for me were the recovery and meeting up with people and going to meetings and doing all the things we do.

That's the unity portion. But the piece that was lacking was the service. And around this time, I had shown up to Ticky Paw.

And I I didn't know what it was. And I went to my first one in 2000 in Jackson. I was probably like nine or 10 months sober.

God, I was terrified. I was so terrified. And there were all these pretty girls and I couldn't talk to any of them.

And I felt like a bump on a log. and and it was terrible, but it was also the greatest thing at the same time, all rolled into one. And uh I remember people cutting up and laughing and being loud and uh it was amazing.

I had never seen that many young people come together for the same purpose and to have fun. And you know, it was my first AA dance to ever go to and that was that was interesting. And you know, I I felt really uncomfortable and I couldn't get out there.

And my sponsor pointed to that guy and he said, "Look at that guy." And there's always that guy. And he was having fun. And he said, "If that guy can do it, so can you." And that's where I learned how to dance in sobriety.

I didn't know that it was possible, but apparently it's possible. And you know, it was it was fun. And that was the first time I uh I felt fired up about Young People's AA and the first time I'd actually really ever heard about it.

And I I went back home and we put together this bid committee and the people from Memphis had done the work and they had won the conference and we brought it back to Memphis and uh we had this huge bid committee and anytime you get a bunch of alcoholics together to try to decide on something uh there are problems. and I I got on the home the host committee and we started doing work and we started having meetings and and we had this sense of unity and love for one another and that's where I learned about the traditions in service because sometimes it's hard to learn from the book if I can't apply my own experience and anytime I'd want to go do something in violation of the tradition somebody would be there and they would slap our hands and they would say you know that's not what we do in here and uh you know One good example of that is what we had everything went well and uh you know I learned all this wonderful thing about AA and we had our conference in 2001 in Memphis and I I remember just a month before there had been some terrible wreck and some teenage girl killed somebody on the interstate and the news crew when they did the media announcement earlier that's what it made me think about the news crew came to our conference and they were interviewing people if you ever see people interviewed in AA it's crazy from the neck down and uh they asked this guy, this young guy, and they said uh as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, what do you think we should do? Blah blah blah.

And he said, uh you know, our tradition states that we have no opinion on outside issues. And I thought, oh, that's what that tradition means. It's to see it in action.

And that's where I learned about this stuff because if they had asked me, I would have told them exactly what I thought as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you know, God was working all along. They asked the probably the one young person at the conference that could answer the question correctly.

And uh at the conference or just right before I got I got elected to the advisory council. And I I'll tell you, if you ever want to uh trick an alcoholic into doing work, give it some important sounding title like advisory council, chairperson, treasurer, you know, all the things that we do in here uh that involve work and it just sounded so cool and so prestigious. And you know, I I've learned that there is no power and there is no prestige in AA.

That we don't have room for it and that there is no hierarchy in AA that it's that it's one day at a time. And people that have been sober for a long time will tell you that. And uh it took me a while to realize that because initially I thought that I was really cool and really important.

Once we got in those five to 10 to 15 plus hour meetings, I realized that I was not really important and that uh it was about love and service and unity and tolerance and patience and kindness and all the principles our book talks about. That's where I learned about these things. I didn't learn them from the book.

I learned it from my own experience screaming and yelling and crying in these committee meetings for years. And you know one one of the things that I am uh extremely grateful for and and extremely proud of is that you know when when I made that service commitment it's a five-year service commitment. I had never done anything in my life for five years consistently ever.

And uh I showed up And you know, I actually uh I don't know if it's probably because I'm a glutton for punishment, I even stuck around for an extra sixth year. And uh I I'm grateful, you know, and every year I would come in, I'd be like, I hate you guys and this is terrible and I don't want to be here and I want to be at the conference having fun and I don't want to be sequestered in this room with all you people. And by the end of it, you know, I was hugging people and tell them that I loved them because that's the process.

And I learned about third legacy voting procedures and all this crazy cloak and dagger stuff. And if if you want to know what that stuff is, you know, show up. Show up.

And just like they told me when I was new in AA, you know, come and see what we do here and find out if you want to be a part of it. And you know, that's exactly what I did. And I'm so grateful to be back at Tik Paw.

you know, my heart is so full of love for this conference and uh you know, I I can tell you that my sobriety wouldn't be the same. I don't know if you know, I I think it's a big statement to say I don't know whether or not I would be sober or not, but I don't know if my life would have the quality in it and the people in it if I hadn't been a part of what we do here. And the most amazing thing is this is only, you know, two days, two and a half maybe out of the entire year.

And the goal is to take the fire that we get here and bring it back to your local community, start a young people's meeting, reach out, take the excitement, and I always think of coming to this conference like recharging my batteries that I need to plug in to the heart of AA. And that's what this is for me. And you know, I look forward to it every year.

And if you guys haven't heard about the bid committee or the bid procedure or you don't know what that is, you know, stick around. I think they're having a meeting tonight after this sometime and I'm sure someone will announce it about how to bid for Tikipaw and how to get it to your city. And I can tell you in the 27-year history of this conference, uh this is the only year that no one bid on the conference and the advisory council actually had to put it on.

So I I'm real grateful that we're having a conference period this year cuz I needed this. I needed this a lot and uh you know this this is not necessarily for people who are new in sobriety because I I need this too. Um, so I I'm I'm very grateful to be sober and I'm very grateful for TikPaw.

So, thank you guys for uh allowing me to be here. Thank you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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