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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. On behalf of the Saturday Night Live at Pine Lake speaker meeting, please help me welcome tonight's speaker, Jason J.

from Portland, Oregon. Good evening. My name's Jason Johnson, alcoholic.

>> I'm not Doug. I just found out I'm filling in for Doug and uh so I just text Doug and he said uh they'll say you've gotten taller, haven't you? So I don't know what that's supposed to mean.

I'm so only by the grace of God and assistant I found the big book of alcoholic synonymous. And I have a my wife's here with me tonight. I've been married twice to the same lady.

So if I talk about getting divorced and getting married, it's her. Um, I'm glad you didn't save her a seat in front cuz she tells me stuff like this and get drunk, slow down, stop, we got to go, you know, so it's just going to be all me tonight. Um, I want to thank Mark for asking me, you know, uh, I lost a good friend last weekend down at the coast and, uh, he had ran a big conference for like 35 years down there and, uh, he passed up a heart attack.

you know, it wasn't obviously never a hard text prepared for that. But, uh, I was on my way home and I was talking to somebody about service and Mark called and this is the only weekend I'm going to be home for a while and, uh, it just happened to work out for us. So, I didn't know I was filling in for Doug or I would have wore something different, maybe like a hippie shirt or something like that.

But, uh, you know, I'm just grateful to be here. I'm grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have some friends here.

Mike's here, Deanna's here. There's some people that have gone through my story. So, this might be the most honest talk you get.

A lot of us speakers embellish the story sometimes because it makes it funnier, but with my wife here, it's probably going to be an honest talk. Um, I'm going to share with you real fast how I got my sponsor. And when I share with you this story, you're going to understand that if you just lower your standards a little bit, this meeting will be really well.

So, I had been coming to Alcoholics and Office for about three years. Um, I went to one meeting a month and it was a speaker meeting and the only reason I went there was to get my half of the money and uh, yes, I sobered up and I got a a sponsor and I had to give that money back with interest. But it was a pretty good gig I had.

But there was a problem at that meeting. There was a guy I thought he ran a I thought he was the president of Alcoholics Anonymous cuz he had all these people, you know, some people call them sponsies, some people call them pigeons, some people call them ducklings. I think I call them nautigans.

You know what I mean? cuz every time you go in some place, they're always talking about God and the steps and you're just like, "God, not again." And uh he he had a whole herd of these guys, you know what I mean? There's like 10 or 15.

If they went right, he went right. You know, this it was ridiculous. They always greeted you.

They always hugged you. They always told you they loved you and they just annoyed me. But he was the leader and he was the leader of the speakers meeting.

So, I uh it was a Saturday night and I I got in a fight with my wife and like normal Saturday nights at that time when you're on a dry drunk and I asked her for a divorce and she said no, which that wasn't really the question I was looking for, but you know, the answer. And so I said, "Fine." She said, "Well, I'm going to the meeting. Maybe you should go." And so I did what every good alcoholic does.

I went into my daughter's room, which I call the office, and I got on the computer and I got the big book and I got the Bible and I wrote a res resignation letter to Alcoholics Anonymous. Yeah, it's hard to say right now still. And uh, man, I had some good stuff in there, you know what I mean?

I got some quotes out of the big book, How Do Much Better, and I got some quotes out of the Bible. I signed it and dated and put it in an envelope, and I went to this meeting to resign from Alcoholics Anonymous. And uh, it's really not that funny yet, you know what I mean?

So I I go in there and I see John. He's standing in there and he's doing what he does. Everybody's shaking his hand and kissing his behind.

You know, you're just annoying stuff, right? And so I walk up and I hand him this letter and he takes it out and he starts reading it. And then he just starts laughing like really loud.

I mean, like Disneyland laughing, you know what I mean? People are staring at me and looking at me and I'm think, "Boy, this isn't going too well." And he says, "Uh, no. I said, "What do you mean no?" He says, "No, I'm not going to let you leave Alcoholics Anonymous." And then what accidentally came out of my mouth is, "Will you sponsor me?" And man, he got serious just like that.

You know what I mean? He uh no more laughing. He said, "Are you willing to go to any links for victory over alcohol?" And I'm thinking to myself, I just asked you to sponsor me.

Yes. You know, and then he laid out these things I had to do. I had to I had to call him every day at 6:02 in the morning, Monday through Friday.

That was really unnecessary. and uncalled for. I uh I had to read two pages out of the big book.

I was okay with that because he doesn't live at my house. He doesn't know if I did that or not. You know, he uh he told me I had to pray twice a day and my prayers I had to get on my knees and in the morning I had to say please help.

Thank you. Amen. And at night I just had to get on my knees and say thanks.

You know, and don't add anything to that because I don't want to call on God. And so then he got to this one where he said uh this is where we had a little bit of issue. He said, "You have to go to five meetings a week to where I'm at." I was like, "Five meetings in one week, like in a row." And uh he said, "Yeah." And I was like, "Man, that's almost a six-mon coin for me." You know what I mean?

And uh I said, "Yes." And he told me, "Try not to drink in between the meetings." And uh you know, that man changed my life. So that's how I got involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I got in service in Alcoholics Anonymous.

He taught me how to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous in good standing, you know. And I I sometime as you hear my story, I haven't always been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous in good standing. But uh that man, I remember one time he looked at me, he said, "If you're willing to do what's asked of you, I'm willing to go to the gates of hell for you." And and and I didn't believe him, but I drugg him through the gates of hell.

I remember when he started giving me all these directions, I was like every good person. I said, "There's no directions in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's all suggestions." and he just went like this.

He said, 'I'll give you one suggestion, Jason. If you don't want to take these directions, I suggest you find somebody else. And uh so he's been my sponsor ever since.

Um and we're doing all right. So, I probably should get on with this life thing. You know, I uh my mom and dad got divorced when I was like five or six years old, maybe even younger than that.

My dad took off. I never saw him again. My mom was an old hippie, so sometimes we lived in a a school bus, sometimes we lived in a teepee, sometimes we lived in a gingerbread house that was built on the back of a truck.

Um, sometimes we lived in a tent, and sometimes we lived in an apartment, you know, and I never knew what that was, and I didn't know there was anything different, you know. That's just what we did. I remember when I was getting young, probably probably going into the first grade, we moved into town and we got an apartment or a little house and uh you know, it was one of those houses where I saw stuff and stuff happened to me and I seen stuff happen to my mom that you probably shouldn't have seen.

There was times that I would be so scared that I would just crawl underneath the coffee table because that was the safest place. You know, there'd be times I' i'd tell me to go to bed, but I just sleep underneath the coffee table cuz I could hear people. Sometimes I'd wake up, there'd be nobody there.

And sometimes I'd wake up and there'd be a lot of people there. Sometimes it could be in the middle of the night and I'd get up and nobody would be home. You know, it's just a normal thing.

I didn't know that was not a normal life because I didn't know anything else different. Now, I'm not saying that made me an alcoholic. It just warped my thinking a little bit.

But, uh, you know, that's how it was growing up, you know, and and today, man, my mom was only 19 years old when she had me, you know what I mean? And it took me till I was 39 to realize that I was a problem. So, I I can't imagine at 19 trying to raise a little kid like me because I was not what you call a uh good kid, you know what I mean?

I was one of those kids. I mean, I robbed a Kool-Aid stand when I was little and tied a kid to the clothesline pole. You know, I uh yeah, I just I was just one of those kids had enthusiasm for life is what my grandma used to say.

Um I remember what happened for me when my life changed is when I was going into the first grade. I remember I was at home watching uh Happy Days. Finally, somebody knows what that show is.

You know what I mean? I I spoke at a young people's meeting and they're like, "What?" So, I'm watching Happy Days and at this time I have all the lights on in the house. I have the blinds all drawn.

I have the TV as loud as I could get it. I had a TV on in my mom's room and I had a stereo going in the kitchen because I wanted people to think there was a party going on there. And uh I'm watching Happy Days and the phone rings.

And you know, my grandma's just one of those people that uh she's too invested in me, you know what I mean? So, she calls and she asked me what I'm doing. I told her I was watching Happy Days.

She asked me if I had taken a bath. I said, "No." She asked me if I'd eaten anything. I said, "No." She said, "Do you have your clothes at least laid out for school tomorrow?" I said, "No." She said, "Uh, what exactly are you doing?" I said, "Well, grandma, I'm just watching Happy Days.

I haven't planned any of that stuff ahead." You know what I mean? And she said, "Well, this is what I want you to do. I want you to watch Happy Days, and when it's over, I want you to take a bath.

I want you to get something to eat, and I want you to lay your clothes out for tomorrow. And when you go to school, be nice to everybody and listen to what the teacher says." I said, "All right." And uh she goes, "Let me talk to your mom." I said, "My mom's not here." She goes, "What? Your mom's not home?" I said, "No, she's at this she's at the tavern.

The phone number's 2824440. If you call there, just ask for Darla." Like she didn't know who her daughter is, but ask for Darla and this guy will tell you. It's going to take a couple minutes.

She'll come to the phone. She's going to tell you she's having one more picture of beer and she'll be home. And my grandma said, "Give me that number again." And I gave it to her and she said, "Sweetie, soon as your show's over, you know, do those things I asked you to do and then go to bed." And I said, "All right." So, I'm watching Lever and Shirley and uh and I hear this knock at the door and I mean it not like a I hear a beating at the door.

I'm like, "Oh man." So, I think somebody's breaking in. So, I crawl underneath the coffee table and I'm just praying it goes away, you know? And then it's at the window beating on the window and I'm like, "Oh man, they're coming through the back door now and it's just going bad." And and uh all of a sudden I hear my grandma say, "Jason, open up the door.

It's grandma." Man, I just felt better. You know what I It was like your first I mean I just man it's going to be all right. And I open up the door and my grandma stand there and look she looked like she was mad.

She looked like she was crying. She looked sad. I mean she just looked she didn't look happy.

You know what I mean? And she said grab your stuff. You're coming to live at our house.

Man, I thought I'd won the lottery. I didn't know what it was. But you know what?

Grandma has Rice Krispie treats. She has homemade popsicles. She has cookies.

And there's no limitation on anything. You know what I mean? And uh I was like right on.

I'm in. You know what I mean? I didn't ask to run this by my mom or anything like that.

I just got my stuff, got in her car, got to her house and I ran through the front door and I'm headed to the kitchen to get the Rice Krispie treats and I hear this, "Hey, what are you doing?" I turned, there's my grandpa sitting in his chair. I said, "Well, I'm going to get a Rice Krispie treat." He goes, "What are you doing here?" I said, "Well, I live here now." You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah. And I remember he didn't look at my grandma. He didn't say anything like, "Hey, what are you thinking?" He didn't He just looked at me and he said, "Yes, you do, buddy.

Come here." and I got up on his lap and I fell asleep every night on that guy's lap for probably the next four or five years because he made me feel safe. I found out later my grandma didn't run it by him. She didn't ask him, "Hey, I'm going to bring Jason home." Because that would have been a probably a debate.

She just brought me and he just accepted me, you know. And what I found out, man, my grandpa and I were I'm six or seven years old. He's retired railroader and he's looking at me and I'm looking at him.

There was a lot of times we had those awkward silence like first dates where he would sit there and he'd just look at me and I'd look at him and what are we going to do and I'm thinking I don't know and you know and then we get in the car and go somewhere you know and he was the kind of guy that just he was always present you know he uh he's one of those guys that if you dropped a dollar on the ground he'd spend $5 getting it back to you. He was just a good guy. He's just he he paid his taxes.

He he he was a little league coach. He was a b uh boy scout for my uncle. I mean, he was just a good guy, you know, and he got this little kid that's just not I don't know if anybody has a kid, grandson or a nephew or niece.

I was that kid, you know what I mean? I was the I wasn't a bad kid, but I was like I mean, one time I stole the neighbor's cat three times and and the only reason I remember the reason the first time I stole it is cuz I wanted it. It was a kitten and I put it in my closet and I was going to keep it and then they put an award sign up for like $5 and I went and got it back, gave it back.

>> You know what I mean? And it worked so good. I did it again.

You know what I mean? And then I helped him make the signs. And uh and the third time I did it, I went to get the cat out of my closet.

My grandpa was standing there. He goes, "Let's go." And it wasn't until years later I was telling somebody was telling the story. And my grandpa, I go, "I think I would have got away with it if I uh hadn't helped made the signs." He said, "You would have got away with it is you wouldn't have kept stealing the same cat all week long." You know what I mean?

But I was that kid. I was just, you know, I was just one of those kids that didn't think anything out. I was just excited, you know, and I remember when our our relationship kind of changed.

He bought me a BMX bicycle back then. It was when they first came out. It was one of those that had handbrekes and you could ride it everywhere you wanted to go in the mud and the dirt.

I thought, "Man, I have arrived, right?" And so, as soon as he got me that bicycle, I took it on our back porch and I uh I I fixed it up, you know? I I lowered the seat, I put the handlebars forward, and I started taking the brakes off. And uh yeah, I don't it sounds bad now, but back then it really was a great idea.

You know what? So, as I'm taking these brakes off, my grandpa comes out and says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" I said, "Well, I'm fixing up my bike." He goes, "Well, what exactly are you doing?" I said, "Well, I lowered the seat. I put the handlebars forward and now I'm taking the brakes off." And he says to me, he goes, "How are you going to stop?" There's a good question.

So, I walked around and did what he does. I I rubbed my head like this and I looked at it and I said, "Well, this is what I think I'm going to do. I'm just going to drag my foot on the tire and when it slows down, I'm just going to jump off." And he looks at me and he says, "Well, when you crash, land on your head cuz you have nothing up there to hurt." And he walked off.

You know what I mean? And I thought, "That old guy doesn't know anything." So that day, my buddy came over and said, "Hey, let's go ride." And I said, "Yep." And as I'm bringing my bike, so where I grew up, everybody parked in the street and then there was a grass and then a sidewalk. Then we had about 25 concrete steps and then a sidewalk and then about five wood steps up to a front porch.

And I'm bringing my bike around and my buddy Sean says, "Hey, I bet you can't ride your bike down them stairs." I said, "Oh yeah, I can." And so I took it up on the porch and he was right. And by the time I uh by the time I got halfway down them concrete stairs, I couldn't get my feet off the pedals and I slammed into my grandma's car and split my head open on her mirror. And uh you know the living skills I had then were flee and cry.

And so I just started crying. And uh she came out and she's asking me questions that she's not waiting for the answer on like what were you thinking? What are you doing?

Are you crazy? What is the deal? You know, and you're like I don't know what I was thinking.

You know what I mean? So we go in there and she's wiping me up and she tells my grandpa. She says, "Gerald, you need to take him to the doctor.

He needs to get some stitches." And my grandpa hadn't even got out of his chair. You know, it's like a typical Tuesday for him. You know what I mean?

like he's watching the news and he gets up kind of disgruntled and mad. He grabs his keys and as we're walking down the stairs, he says, "It's a good thing you took them brakes off, huh?" And I said, "Yeah, but I landed on my head." And uh and that's basically how our relationship was all the rest of my life. That guy was there for me no matter what.

When I would get a speeding ticket or I get in trouble with the law, I get an MIP and I forget to go to court cuz that's what you do. He would go to the court and tell him where I worked, where I lived, what I was driving, and how much money I made. I'm like, "Can you even do that?" I did it.

I'm like, "Ah." So, he's that kind of guy, but he would bail me out. I mean, he was a guy would bail me out all the time. Come to find out later, the only reason he was bailing me out is because of my grandma.

My grandma, on the other hand, is the lady that loved me no matter what. And I hope everybody in here finds somebody in their life or has somebody in their life, maybe it's a friend, a family, a teacher, something like that, that just believed in you, that just always saw the good inside of you, that always knew. And you know, my grandma, I remember I was in school one year and the first three weeks I I I don't think I saw a recess because I just didn't seem to make have self-control.

And so I was in this room a lot. And uh I remember I was leaving to go home to catch the bus and the teachers called me to the office. And when I got to the office, my grandma was sitting at this table and there was a principal and a couple other teachers and a counselor, whatever it is, sitting on the other side of the table.

And uh they had all this paperwork and they started telling my grandma all the things that I had done that week or the last three weeks. And I remember my grandma had that look on her face that she had before where she she looked like she wanted to cry, but she didn't cry, you know. And after they got done saying everything they could say about me, my grandma said, "You know, uh, can I say something?" They said, "Sure, you can, Hazel." And she said, "Uh, you know, I'm not going to deny Jason didn't do any of those things cuz he lives at my house.

I get it." You know what I mean? But he's a good kid. There's a good person inside of there.

And the reason I know there's a good person inside there, cuz every morning he runs down to Mrs. is Harrington's house and he throws her newspaper up on the porch so she doesn't have to walk down the stairs. And Shane, the young man at the store who's simple-minded.

Every time I see Shane at church, the first thing he asks is, "Where's Jason?" Cuz when Jason's around, nobody picks on him. And Jason always picks him first for the sports. So, I know he's got a good heart and he's a good person.

I think we need to figure out how to tap into that. And and I had the best school year I ever had because people looked at me in a different way. I was mad at Shane.

I didn't take the newspaper for a while, but you know what I mean? I She always saw that. She always saw the good in it.

I remember being I was in church one Sunday and yeah cuz that's where my grandma drugged me every Sunday. God was going to help me eventually. And uh problem was my grandpa would take me out on Saturdays.

And this Saturday before this Sunday, he took me to the rodeo. And so when I got to church on Sunday, I was going to be a a rodeo guy. And uh needless to say, I got kicked out of Sunday school class like a usual.

And and we went to a Baptist church and there was no beepers or timers or you know, they didn't have like your name didn't come up and flash on the screen. They came down to the fifth aisle on the left, patted my grandma on the shoulder and made her come out of church. And this happened like weekly and I remember I'm sitting in this office and uh this guy's lecturing me on certain things and I'm just kind of trying to ignore him and my grandma walks into the office and she says, "Let's go." And she didn't look happy.

And uh I said, "All right." And as we're walking out, this guy says to my grandma, she says, he says, "Hazel, maybe you should keep Jason home from Sunday school till he can learn to use some self-control." And my grandma turned around and put her finger right in his face and said, "Listen." But the enthusiasm he has for life and the heart he has inside of him, he might just be the next pastor of this church. I said, "Whoa, I don't want to be a pastor. I want to be a rodeo clown." He got color back in his face and I was like, my grandma says, "That's cute.

Get in the car." You know what I mean? But here's the thing. When we got in that car and we were driving home, she goes, "You want to be a rodeo clown?" I said, "Yeah." She she said, "You be the best rodeo clown you can be." And that's just the way she was.

She always had my back. She was always there for me. She uh she always saw something, you know what I mean?

She saw something in me that I didn't see and I didn't care to see. Um you know, I started drinking when I was in the sixth grade when I got that dog on bicycle. Went over to a buddy's house.

There's three of us. We're going to sleep in the backyard. His mom said, "I ordered you guys a pizza.

We're going bowling. Stay in the yard. There's $10 on the counter.

Stay in the yard. Don't get in any trouble." All right. you know, and I wouldn't do that to my kids, but that's what they did back then.

And uh needless to say, when the pizza came, my buddy Le says, "Hey, pizza tastes better with beer." I said, "Yes, it does." I hadn't had any up to that point, but I thought it did. And uh he went downstairs and got a case of Lucky Logger beer. Yeah, that's nasty.

And uh he brought it up and we started drinking it. And I think I he says I drank six. I he just heard one of my CDs the other day.

He's a normie. He I used to say I only drank two, but he said I drank six. And and I got food poisoning.

And uh and I had to ride my bike home, right? And uh with no breaks. So there was my first DUI probably.

Um I get home and and I remember I go upstairs and I I man, I just don't feel good. Everything's spinning and it's just it's not very fun. And uh you know that night I was sick all night.

And usually when I was sick, my grandma, what she would do, she would uh put the blankets down. She'd put a towel on the pillow. She'd get like a bucket and then and a nightlight.

And she'd open up all the doors so you could get to the bathroom and she would check on me every 10 minutes. Nothing. Crickets from that lady.

Nothing all night. I'm sick all night and I'm dying. And uh I finally fall asleep the next morning.

I wake up and my grandpa's at the end of my bed saying, "Get up." I'm like, "Get up." He says, "Get up. You're gonna go to work." I was like, "I don't even have a job." You know what I mean? He said, "If you're going to drink like a big boy, you're going to work like a big boy.

Now get out of bed." And I was like, "All right." And as we're walking out, my grandma handed me a egg salad sandwich. What was still warm and some warm milk and told me, "Have a great day." Yeah, it it gets worse. So, we go by and pick up Leif and Shawn and we go pick strawberries.

Yeah. It took me a long time to even smell a strawberry. So, I'm out and I made 27 cents.

So, I think that's illegal, too. But I'm picking strawberries all day and I'm getting sick and I'm picking strawberries and my grandpa's sitting on the back of his truck reading his paper, drinking his coffee, laughing. And I looked at my buddies and I said, "Man, I'm not drinking alcohol anymore." And they said, "You're not going to drink it?

You didn't like it?" I said, "No, I just don't want to work." You know what I mean? This working thing's way overrated. So, I quit cold turkey.

No AA nothing. No, I'm done. And I did that till I became a freshman in high school.

When I became a freshman in high school, I started uh this is where after I did some step work, I figured out alcoholism started fixing working for me is I you know, we would drink on the weekends, but money I would start saving I start save my money on Monday. Tuesday, I would save my lunch money. Wednesday, I try to figure out who we're going to shoulder tap on Thursday so we could have the booze on Friday.

And that's what our goal was. It's just to how we start on Monday to plan how we're going to drink on Saturday and Sunday. And in between that, we just played sports and then we get drunk.

And you know, I get a MIP because, you know, somehow I ended up with a tap to a keg and you just don't run without it. You know what I mean? It's I found out it's easier just to get yelled at for having a a keg and a tap than it is to not have a keg and a tap.

You know what I mean? So, I'm willing to sacrifice a little bit of driving, you know? I think they suspended my driver's license till I was 18, which is no biggie.

I didn't have a car. Um, but I would just get in trouble, you know what I mean? But I didn't get in a lot of trouble.

Every time I got in trouble or I got a minor in possession or something like that, my grandma would just come get me from the jail and she would take me to church. They would pray for me. Everybody say, "Oh, Jason's going to be all right." And then I do it again the next weekend.

Sometimes I got caught, sometimes I didn't get caught. Um, you know, in 1989, uh, alcohol did something that changed my life. You know, I was at This is a police report, so it's kind of hearsay.

Um, supposedly I I stole somebody's motorcycle, but I think I it was my friend's motorcycle. I thought and uh and I got in a high-speed chase and and I woke up in a lifeflight helicopter and remember screaming, "I'm alive. I'm alive.

I'm alive." And the lady said, "We know you're alive." And uh I asked her, "What's going on?" She said, "You know, you're in a drunk driving accident. You have a one out of six chance of saving your left leg and a three out of five chance of living." I said, "What's that mean?" She says, "You're going to live, but you're going to lose your left leg." And at that moment in time, I didn't really care. I just wanted to live.

And you know, I came to and I was in a hospital room and there was a officer at the end of the thing reading me my rights kind of stuff and and asking me questions and I asked him, "How do you know it was me?" He said, "I left with the motorcycle and I was at the crash site." Pretty much sums it up. Um, and what happened there is I got in a little bit of trouble and lost my driver's license some more. But what really happened is inside is alcohol started affecting me because when I was in that hospital, I told myself I'll never drink or use anything ever again.

You know what I mean? And I was just thankful nobody else got hurt. But what happened is when I got out, that guilt, that shame, and that fear that these guys, these old-timers talk about, that anxiety inside your stomach, I didn't know what to do with it.

And the only way I could get it to go away was to drink. And that's what I did. I just drank as much as I possibly could.

And uh, you know, when you're in that kind of situation, people feel sorry for you. So, they let you sleep on their couch and you run that out till it gets to another thing, and then you run that friend out till it gets to another thing, and you run that friend out. But, I always drank.

I just worked the system. And uh you know eventually I got to a point where I couldn't lower my standards to keep up with my quality of life because I was living in places that had hoses for you got hose water out of a somebody else's house to put it in the toilet. I didn't know I like candle light so much.

Um you know I was living in a house that when the police came nobody's knew whose house it was but before the police got there it was everybody's house. Um it was just that's how life got. You know what happened is my grandma would come and try to find me.

She'd send my uncles to look for me because or they would come and find me. And they would say, "Jason, you need to call your grandma cuz she won't leave us alone. Every all she's doing is she's calling all your friends.

She's calling everybody. Has anybody seen Jason? Anybody know where Jason is?

You just need to call her and tell her you're all right." And so they would take me to a pay phone and I call my grandma. I tell her I love her and I said I'd come see her the next day and I wouldn't go. You know, I didn't go because I was a bad guy.

I didn't go because I just drank. That's the only way I knew how to do that. And that was the life I was running.

Um, and and I and I worked it as best as I could. You know what I mean? I got to that point where I got to that point where you realize that you're a piece of crap and you're not going to be amount to anything and you're okay with that.

And that's a scary place to be. And uh on December 4th, 1997, my uh one of my uncle Leroys came to this house I was staying at and he said, "Uh, come on. You got you need to go to the hospital.

Your grandma's been taken off of life support. You need to say goodbye." And I said, "I don't want to go." He said, "I didn't ask you if you want to go." And uh he said, "You're getting in the car. And so we got in the truck and he gave me a pint to drink and it just made it all right for the ride.

And I remember walking into the Portland Adventist Hospital and I remember going up in the elevator and when I came out, all my aunts and uncles and cousins were sitting in this like waiting room where the ICU is and I uh I didn't make eye contact cuz I didn't need anybody to let me know that I was a piece of crap. I knew it. I felt it.

I understood that. I just didn't want to I just didn't want to be there, you know. And I remember seeing only two or three people could go into a time at the room she was in.

And I remember I watched my grandpa come out and I hadn't seen my grandpa cry ever in my life. And I watched him come out and he's rubbing his eyes and he walked right by me and he went to one of his friends and uh my aunt came out and said, "You know, you need to come in here. Grandma's been off for all morning and uh she hasn't came.

She hasn't opened her eyes in quite a while. So, you just need to say your goodbyes and you need to get out of here." And I said, "All right." And and and the thing was is my my aunt was kind of mad because she said, "You know what? Every time before they took off life support, all my grandma ever asked, "Has anybody seen Jason?

Has Jason been here yet? Did I miss Jason? Does anybody know when he's going to be here?" And uh so they were kind of mad at me.

And uh I went in there and I grabbed my grandma's hand. I said, "Grandma, I love you." And she sat right up and opened her eyes, you know, and I got to talk to her for a few minutes, you know, and and my grandpa came back in and some other people came in. And I remember just feeling like I don't know how you could explain.

I just had this I just I just felt like somebody was kicking me in the stomach, you know. And I uh I told her, "Grandma, I'll be back tomorrow. I love you." And uh and as I was I was leaving, my grandma tells my uncle Gary, she said, "He's a good kid.

There's a good kid inside of there and he's going to do something with his life." You know, and and I left and I never went back. I told my uncle Leroy, "I'll just walk home. I didn't have a home.

I was just walking, you know, because I just I was embarrassed and ashamed, you know." And a couple days later, my uncle Dale came and found me and he said, "Uh, your grandma passed and there's going to be a memorial on Wednesday." And uh I said, "All right." He said, "I'll come back and pick you up at 12:00." I said, "All right." You know, and when he came to pick me back up, I didn't answer the door, you know, because I didn't know I just all I know how to do is drink. I was embarrassed. I was scared.

I was ashamed. I knew I was a failure. I knew I was a piece of crap.

And so all I could do was drink. And I remember hiding in this closet drinking gold slogger trying to get out of that situation. And you know, the thing is is I uh they were beating on the windows and I could hear them out there yelling, "You're going to regret this when you get older." And you know, and I did, you know what I mean?

I didn't go to the funeral. I just didn't go. You know what I mean?

I And and I remember people telling me, "Why would you do that? How could you do that?" I didn't do that because I'm a bad person. I do that because I'm an alcoholic.

You know what I mean? And at that moment in time, that's the best roll of dice I had was not to go. I thought in my mind, if I don't show up, everybody's life's going to be a little bit better.

And uh you know and that's how it was. You know the next two or three weeks it got to the point where I was drinking so much that alcohol wasn't really doing anything. And uh you know where you get that stupid moment of clarity like you think man I might have a problem.

And I did. And so I called my uh I called my uncle from a pay phone. I said hey are you going to church?

He said yes I am. I said can I meet you there? Because I knew he wouldn't beat me up at church.

And uh and I knew he was going to beat me up. I just we're the closest of age and he's like a brother to me. And uh he said yeah meet me there.

So, we go to church and we're sitting in the fifth row where my grandma always sat and nobody's really sitting by me. I kind of smell because I haven't showered in a while. I haven't nothing else is working in my body.

You know, the alcohol isn't working. I kind of feel like I'm sweating from the inside out and I'm just shaking and I'm scared and I'm sitting there and they start singing these songs like how great thou are, you know, and then they start singing Amazing Grace and I just got caught up in the moment, you know, and I I looked at my uncle, I said, "Man, I think I got a drinking problem." And the whole church went quiet. Yeah.

Yeah. He said the song was over. He's in the program and I and he looked at me.

He goes, "You think?" I said, "Well, geez, I'm going to have a drug problem. It makes you feel better about yourself." And he did. And he said, "This is what's going to do.

When this service is over, you're going to come to my house. You're going to shower because you stink and we're going to talk about it." And I thought, man, this is what I thought. He was going to give me $20 a meal and wash my clothes and send me on my way.

So, I go to his house and I'm in the shower and I come back out and there's a phone book on the thing. He says, "You're going to go to treatment." And I said, "I don't know what treatment is." He says, "Call the hospitals. You're going to go to treatment." And I was like, "Whatever." All right.

So, nobody's open on Sunday. Who what treatment center is open on Sunday? So, I called Portland Adventist cuz it's the first one.

And I said, "Hey, lady answers my phone. I told her, I think my uncle thinks I have a drinking problem and I need treatment." Well, they passed me over to somebody and they started talking to me right away. and we come out of this argument or talk or debate and uh where it was I was the problem or he was the problem or they were the problem and uh what we decided on is I would come to their office at 8:00 the next morning we do a intake interview and go over some evaluations and stuff like that and I said that's great just to get you off the phone I looked at my uncle said hey I got an appointment at 8:00 tomorrow morning give me 20 bucks I'll meet you there he said no >> yeah and let me tell you something he says he has a leather couch it's plastic He had a dog that licked me the whole time.

So, I'm sleeping on this couch all night and this dog's licking me and I'm stuck to this couch and I'm tossing and turning and I'm sweating from the inside out and I want to puke and I'm scared and I'm shaking. I'm trying to figure out what treatment is. I'm just a mess, you know.

And the next morning he's gets up. I've been up because of the dog in the leather couch or plastic couch and uh he tells me to take a shower. I look like crap.

I said, "All right." I take my shower, come back out, he goes to get in the shower and all of a sudden I remembered he had a liquor cabinet. Man, I feel better already. I was like, "Man, why didn't I think of this sooner?" So, I went to the refrigerator, got a can of Coke, went to his liquor cabinet, found some Bicardi 151, poured out the Coke, poured the Bicardi in there, drank it, and I'm ready to go to treatment.

You know what I mean? So, we get in the truck and he's driving me to treatment. He goes, "Man, I smell alcohol." I said, "It's not me.

I'm going to treatment." And uh yeah, that didn't go over well. biggest mistake I made is I uh when we got to that treatment center instead of going into the meeting, I went straight to the bathroom, pulled up the garbage bag, stuck my can under there so they wouldn't find it, which gave them time to make a plan to get me. And uh yeah, they got me.

All right. And what happened was is I went into this room with these guys and uh well, this guy Tim says, "Jason, come in here. We need to have a talk with you.

We're going to go over some stuff." My uncle said, "I'll come with him." And I was like, "Boy, that's kind of overrated." But he came in. He's more worried about my treatment. And as we're sitting, the first thing he asked, he goes, "Do you have insurance?" And I said, 'N no.' And he says, 'Well, my uncle says, "His grandpa and I will pay for it." I thought, "Well, that's a waste of money." He said, "Just gave me the money." And uh, you know, and then they went over and they started asking me some questions.

They said, "I had to be honest." You know, they asked me, "Have you ever drank hid your alcohol use or drug use from your family or friends?" And I thought, "Man, I did that on the way over here." No. You know what I mean? Have you ever lied about your drug drug use or alcohol use to your family or friends or employer?

I said, "No, I did that kind of on the way over here." And uh and I said no to everything and they were looking at each other so I knew I was going to have to answer yes to something. So they said, "Have you ever drank, used before an important engagement or meeting?" And I looked at them and I said, "This is pretty important to these guys." "Yes." And I got a wristband. I was in treatment just like that.

You know what I mean? I got a shot in the behind and I was in treatment, you know? And uh I was in this room sleeping and this guy Tim kept coming in trying to get me up to go to group.

I finally told him, "I'm not in group. I'm in treatment. Yeah.

Found out very quickly that that's the same thing. And so I go to these meetings and you know, I made a mistake because I went to an Adventist. There's no caffeine, there's no sugar, and there's no women.

And I'm like 29. Those are big deals in my life. Not like I have a lot to add to society, but those are some things I need to be working with.

And uh and so I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this treatment center because I didn't know you could leave whenever you wanted. And uh what happened was is these guys said they were going to AA. I didn't know what AA was, but they said there was girls, caffeine, and sugar.

And uh I'm in. You know what I mean? What do you got to do?

You have to ask Tim. So I went up to Tim and I I told him I do everything he asked me to do. I'll go to all his groups on time.

I'll pray. I'll do whatever he wants me to do. Can I go to AA?

Says yes. Just sign your name on this piece of paper. Overcommitted again.

And uh so I I get in this van. and this van comes and picks us up, you know, and I told you my mom and dad got divorced when I was 2 or 3, four years old, whatever it is. I don't know.

I wasn't really there, but I was there. Um, and I'd seen my dad one other time when I was 26 years old, probably about 3 years before this. My dad came to pay back all the back child support he owed.

And uh, I went there to get my half of the money, another thing after sponsorship I had to pay back. Um, and I said hi to this guy and I left. Right?

So, I'm in this van going to this treat or AA meeting. I say that prayer, please don't let me know anybody there and please don't let me owe me any money if they are there. You know what I mean?

And good, the odds are good that I owe you if I know you. And uh we get to this AA meeting and and sure enough, there's coffee, sugar, and women. So, I'm doing what every stalker does.

I'm eating, drinking, and looking at women that I probably shouldn't be looking at. And I see this guy sitting in the back and I looked at these guys and I said, "Hey, I think that's my dad." They said, "That's your dad." I said, "Well, yeah, I seen him one time in like 20 years." They said, "Well, you got to go talk to I said, "Well, I don't know if it's my dad." And they said, "Well, you got to go talk to him." I was like, "All right." I said, "I'll talk to him after this meeting." So, they have a break. I don't go to meetings with breaks anymore.

And uh I walk up to this guy and I said, "Hey, do you know who I am?" He said, "No." And I said, "I think you're my dad." And he said, "Jason." I said, "Yeah." And he gave me a hug. And and that's kind of like a burning bush. That's kind of like alcoholics.

And I mean, where does that happen? You know what I mean? What's the odds of that?

And I you know, I was like, "Man, maybe AA is the deal for me." And so I went back to the He asked me if he could come visit me. And I said, "Yeah, I need all the friends I can get. I have my uncle who's more infatuated with my recovery and my mom who's nuts and uh yeah, come." Well, I forgot to tell my mom.

My dad was coming. We It was an interesting two weeks at treatment. But my dad was involved in Alcoholics Anonymous and he was doing a nightstep.

You know what I mean? He was making his amends. And when he was making his amends, he planted the seed for me.

And then I came, you know, and and man, that guy drugged me everywhere. I mean, he he introduced me to my wife. He took me to meetings.

He he had me do everything until I got about a year and then I quit doing everything. Then I just went to one meeting a week and uh you know and and and then I met John and my life got a little bit better and so forth and so forth. But you know what?

If it wasn't for that relationship right then and there, I might not be here tonight, you know. But I'd like to say I I stay sober every since then. But like I got about eight or nine years and I was going to meetings and I had a wife.

I had a great job. And then you people start sounding like Charlie Brown wah w m w m w m w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w and the politics of AA and I had to pay people back and I wasn't really proud of that and I didn't want to do that and you know and so I started taking unprincipled actions in Alcoholics Anonymous and that's when I met Mike and Deanna and some of the folks in here and and and my wife had never seen me drink or use and so I started taking these unprincipled actions in Alcoholics Anonymous. started doing stuff in Alcoholics Anonymous that was on my first fourth step and I was doing it sober, you know, and I had gotten pretty good at what I was doing and uh so I bought this car and I took it to a place called Les Schwab and they put wheels and tires on it and as I'm pulling out of Lewab, the tire falls off and I crash and I'm like, "Dang, you know, this sucks." And uh I have an appointment and blah blah blah.

And they said, "Well, we're renting you this Chrysler 300." I was like, "All right, you know what? It is a beautiful car." I was like, "Man, I look like a Rolls-Royce." says thinking, "Man, I have arrived." You know, and I get in this car and I go do what I do. I go count my money.

I meet this guy, pick up a substantial amount of something. And I'm driving down the road and and when you have a substantial amount of something, the cops usually follow you. And so, you think they're following you, but they're not really following you.

And then they were following me. And uh I turned a corner and they surrounded this car. And I remember thinking, "Uh-oh." So, I took this 157 grams of a substantial amount of something and I stuck it under the front seat because that's the only place I knew what to do with it.

I had a driver's license, proof of insurance, and and it was a rental car, so I was just going to blame it on the guy before me. Like, he left his 157 grams of meth, but you know what I mean? That's what we all do, right?

Well, needless to say, the cops just kept coming out of every and there was like no cop cars with like lights on top. They all had them in the dash and and some didn't have and they're like surrounding the car and I'm looking at them and they're looking at me and I'm thinking, "Boy, this isn't going too good." And and all of a sudden, this officer walks up. I roll down the window like I didn't know they were coming.

And uh he says, "Jason, can you shut the car off and step up on the curb?" Which is not a good sign. They should ask you for your ID and proof of insurance, right? And I said, "All right, I can do that." So I shut the car off and I open up the door to get out and I hear this and I look down, the seat's moving back all by itself.

Hey, it ain't that funny still, and it's been like 10 years. Uh, and you can't yell time out or do, you know what I mean? You can't put your hand underneath the seat and grab something.

So, I did what every good convict does. I just shut the door and went up on the curb and hope they didn't see it. And uh they did.

And uh I end up getting charged with commercial possession, commercial racketeering, intimidation of a federal witness, commercial delivery, and a gun. And uh sober, you know, and you it gets worse really. And so I didn't think it get any worse, but it did.

I'm sitting in a holding cell after I got booked and all that kind of stuff. And it's 10:00 and the news comes on. and it goes methw watch 2007 Jason Johnson.

There's like my driver's license picture and all the dope and the money, you know? I'm thinking, "Oh man, AA saw that. My my wife saw that.

I'm screwed." You know what I mean? And what am I going to do? And if you're alcoholic, I mean, what you do is you use.

I put a needle on my arm. I started drinking. I started running.

And and Julie divorced me, which was a good call on her behalf. um was a smart move. Um and it was just like that I was right back to where I was.

I was sleeping underneath a trampoline in the backyard. I was staying in bushes. I was doing whatever I could and everyone, you know, my life got so bad that I was just burning everybody.

You know what I mean? It was everybody's fault. The reason I was at was it wasn't my fault because I was an alcoholic.

It was my fault because of what you people had done to me in in the seat going back. It had to be Chryslers, but that's a whole another story. My my sponsor made me write them a thank you letter.

Is that That's a croc. I'm still waiting for a response. You know what I mean?

Like, yes, we're glad we changed your life, Jason. Nothing. If I just threw it away.

Uh, sorry. It gets me mad every time. So, what happened was is my life started my life started getting really bad.

And I mean, I had a daughter that was 7 years old, six or seven years old at that time, had never seen me use. My wife had never seen me use. The people in AA had never seen me use.

I was coaching popcorn or football with four police officers. I was going to church. I was doing everything that I thought would looked good, but I was messed up inside.

And uh you know, and I got to that point where I put that needle in my arm. I started drinking and I didn't know how to deal with situations. And man, there was times that I think the lowest point for me is when my daughter was born, my wife and I started saving these quarters from the uh with the states on the back.

And we had like three or four buckets of them. And Julie would let me come over and take a shower every once in a while if it looked like I slept a little bit to see my daughter. And I remember going in the shower and I'm coming out and Julie's coming down the hall and she has these buckets of that are empty and she's going, "You stole your daughter's money." And she's not saying it polite like that, but you can imagine how you're saying it.

And I remember thinking to myself, "Yeah, I did." But what got me is my daughter was tugging on her pants saying, "Please don't make my daddy leave. I let him borrow it." And when she said that, it just it just did something inside of me that broke and I didn't know what to do. when I ran, you know, and and I ended up, man, so I got a jail house attorney, you know, and and a bunch of friends that are drug addicts to help me do my attorney work.

And we made a we came up that we thought maybe I'd only get 6 months in jail. So, I went in front of a judge about for the fifth time and one last time she told me, "Jason, if you don't go to treatment and you don't do something else, when you come back here, if you haven't done those things, you're going to go to prison." And and they told me 6 months. And I was, I could do 6 months.

And so I go there and uh she asked me if I had the paperwork from treatment. I said, "No." And she said, "That's 48 months." I turned to this attorney I have. I said, "4 to 8 months ain't bad, baby." He said, "No, that's 4 years." I was like, "Oo, that's bad." You know what I mean?

I thought 4 to 8 months, I'd be out in a couple weeks. And uh you know, I I asked that thing, "Can I get my affairs in order?" She said, "No, you leave today." And uh if you ever get arrested in Oregon, I'm going to give you a little bit of advice. The sheriff's office has been running the jail systems from the 1800s.

They don't need our opinion. Um, I gave them my opinion. I ended up in the hole for 3 weeks.

And, uh, it's the best thing that ever happened to me cuz you know what? When I got put in the hole, I had anxiety and I had fear. And what came to my mind was my sponsor's voice.

Get on your knees and ask for help. And so, I get on my knees and I'd say, "Please help. Thank you.

Amen." And if I got any relief, two or three minutes, four minutes, I get on my knees and I'd say, "Thanks." And that's how I got through that period of being locked up. And uh, you know, I I in there, I started coming getting right with God. And I started thinking, man, how am I ever going to make this right with the people?

And I I was just beating myself up and I was scared and I didn't know if I could could forgive myself. And a guy named Randy is a good friend of Julian's. And uh when I was out running, Randy, well, I stole $33,000 from him.

Randy says he loaned it to me, but you know what I did? I took the money and tried to double it up in a video poker machine and a drug deal. And it didn't go really well because I did it all.

Um and I never went back and I would avoid him. And he would call my phone and call my phone and call my phone trying to help me. And I would just avoid him.

And uh so I I'm in this jail and I get put into population finally and this guy uh come and say, "Hey, Jason, you have a visitation." I'm thinking, "Man, it's probably my attorney or something like that." And I don't know what visitation is like here, but down there you uh you go into a room and you get behind a piece of glass and has a phone and a phone and you're stuck in this little room for 30 minutes and you can't leave or go anywhere, even if it goes bad. And as I'm walking in there and all of a sudden I look, there's Randy. He's my visitor.

I'm like, "Oh, you know that feeling inside where you just want to die? It's like, you know, Steve Lisa, I said, he used to treat God like he owed him owed him money. He knew he was out there.

He just didn't want to run into him. That's how I was with Randy. I knew he was out there.

I just didn't want to run into him. And he's sitting on the other side of the glass looking at me and I just the fear came and the first thing came to my mind is invite God to go with you. And so I just said that prayer, please God, I need some help.

And I went up and I sat down and I did what every alcoholic does. I just started saying, I've made a mistake. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to do this. Blah blah blah. He says, "Stop, Jason." I said, "All right." He says, "I'm not here for the money.

I'm here to tell you I love you and I want to be I'm a friend of yours. And my kids came to me and my wife came to me and they want to know what Julie and Bailey would want from you for Christmas. They gave me their Christmas money and they want to get something for your family.

And uh I just cried, you know, that's alcoholics anonymous. That's that's a guy who has a relationship with a God that is not just playing the game, you know. And what that did is it gave me some relief.

When I got back, I thought, man, if that that guy can forgive me, why can't I forgive myself? You know, and I and I just got I just I just started getting involved. I started going to meetings in jail and I started reading the big book with other guys and I started doing this and I started doing that and my life got better.

At 3 months and 27 days, I was released to serve my time in the community. And all I had to do was get a job and stay sober. And let me tell you something, I was lucky.

There was three judges in Alcoholics Anonymous and my wife that did some work that got that for me. And uh man, I've been on fire ever since. you know, uh, I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and this next time around and you know, when my daughter, man, my daughter was just like me.

She she's always running and making noise and all that. And I'm not a very good dad and I knew that. And I yelled at her and this girl Cody one time so bad that uh they hid in a closet and Julie had to go call Cody's mom and tell them because they called Cody's mom, wanted to go over their house cuz they were afraid of me.

And uh, Julie had to call them and tell them that was what really happened. you know how you know how your spouse helps you out in those kinds of situations and and I yelled at him so bad that uh it scared him you know and and so I went to my sponsorship line we have this meeting every once a month and I went to these guys I said I don't know how to be a father and I don't know how to I just don't get it and this guy Larry who I can't stand one of them nodans he says I know what you do I'm like oh god it's one of those ones they can give you information and uh he says man Jason anytime we go to an AA meeting the first thing my kids ask is Jason gonna be there because first thing you do is you hug them you tell them you love them and you make sure they're entertained and they're fed. Why don't you start treating Bailey like you're babysitting my kid when you're mad at her?

I was like, "That's the stupidest thing. I'll never do that." And so I did. And uh I started doing those things.

My daughter was 13. She had a slumber party over at our house and uh Bailey uh they were being loud and so Julie woke me up and told me to be quiet. I told Julie, "It's none of my business.

You invited them and that doesn't work like that in our house." So Julie yelled at me again and I got up and I went in that room and they're all looking at me and I yelled at them and told them they had to turn off the lights and I probably said some cuss words at them like you're supposed to and I shut the door and I went back to bed and I was laying in there and I remember thinking to myself, is that any way you treat anybody's kids? Is that is that the best example of alcoholics and honesty you can be? You know, and I fought that fight and finally I get up and I go back in that room and I open up the door and turn the light and they're all sitting there staring at me and I said, "Man, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have yelled at you guys. What we need to do is turn the music down. you guys need to lay down, act like you're going to sleep because you're making Julie really mad.

And this little girl, Cody, that was hid in the closet with my daughter as I was closing the door said, "I told you he'd come back and apologize." That's Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, uh, you taught me how to do that. You taught me how to be a father.

You know, you taught me how to show up. You know, my friend Harlon when he passed, my responsibility is just to show up. It's not to have I'm there to hug somebody.

That's what my sponsor says. I I hate hugging. So, that's my job.

Anytime somebody goes to the hospital, I'm just supposed to go there and they need a hug, give them a hug. So, nobody really hugs me this look at me like, "What are you doing here?" And I'm thinking the same thing. But I've learned to be present.

And how I learned how to be present is every every meeting has a Roy, right? Royy's the kind of guy that he was a greeter. I walked up to a Roy at a meeting.

I said, "Hey, Roy, how you doing?" He said, "Screw you. Screw God. Screw Alcoholics Anonymous." And he's the greeter, right?

And I said, "Wow, I'll sit by you." He's fine. So, it's a big book study and we're sitting next to each other and it gets to this chapter in the big book. We're in chapter 5 and it's a third step prayer and that's Royy's paragraph.

He has to read it, right? And I'm thinking, "Oh," you know. So I'm sitting there, it's Roy, me, my sponsor, and then one of those not against it does nothing wrong.

Michael and uh he's sitting over there and Royy's not reading and the guy up front says it's we're on this prayer blah blah blah. So he's not going to read. So I finally read and then John read a paragraph and then Mike, the guy that does nothing wrong, started reading and John leans over to me and says, "Jason, that was between Roy and God.

Don't ever get in the way of it." So I looked at Roy said, "Thanks a lot. You have a problem with God. Now I have a problem with my sponsor.

Thanks. Glad I sat by you. Needless to say, a couple days before that, my wife had had or next day, my wife called me.

She was five or six months pregnant at the time, and she called me and said, "Uh, there's no heartbeat and we have to go to this place and get an ultrasound." And I and I and I and I panicked, you know, and I called my sponsor and I said, "Man, what do I do?" And he goes, "Jason, you're not the only scared person in this relationship. Your responsibility is to go hold Julie's hand and be present and just tell her you love her, you know." know. And so I went there and we found out we had lost the baby and the next day she had to do a procedure at the hospital or whatever.

And so we go and it snowed that night and we drive to this hospital. It's early in the morning and we're sitting down at the table and there's windows like this and all of a sudden we see this guy going like this and looking and it's Roy. I'm like, "Oh good god, there's Roy." And I'm trying to duck.

You know what I mean? Last thing he needs Roy. And uh he sees us and he just starts waving like he won the lottery, too.

And I'm like, "Oh god, here he comes." You know what I mean? When Roy walks in and he gives me a hug and he gives Julie a hug. I ask him what he doing here.

He said, "This is a big deal." I found out he had taken the day off of work without pay. He left his house at 3:00 in the morning, drove to the hospital in the snow across the hills and had been walking around that hospital looking for us. He didn't know where we were.

And uh Roy, my wife thinks Roy walks on water. I think Royy's still little. And but here's what happened.

When we were in that waiting room, they took Julie back after to do the surgery. We're sitting out there and there's like 20 or 30 people in this waiting room and Roy looks at me and says, 'Hey, we need to pray. I said, 'I thought you had a problem with God.' He said, ' This is no time for my problems with God.

He says, 'We need to pray.' And I said, 'Screw you. Screw God.' You know what he did? He got on his knees and started praying right there in that waiting room.

Man, I got embarrassed and I started sweating cuz I was ashamed. What is he doing? He's on his knees praying in front of all these people.

Are you kidding me? And uh you know, and he he I think he fell asleep. He said as he stayed down there the whole time she was back there praying.

But you know what? When they call this back, Roy got up off his knees and people looked at him differently and some people hugged him. That's the finest example of Alcoholics Anonymous I' ever been involved with because there's a guy that had a problem with God, but he knew when crunch time came that's where he needed to go to find his results.

That's another member of Alcoholics that showed me just to be present. You know, uh, man, that relationship with my daughter. So, I could tell this story because Deanna's part of the problem.

My daughter, so my daughter's 17. My wife and daughter want to go on vacation to Canada because I can't get into Canada. They already got guys like me up there.

They don't want to import them. You know what I mean? Details.

So, they go to Canada and the whole way up there texting me, telling me all this stuff about their lives and what they're seeing. I'm thinking, "Great. Waha." Well, all of a sudden, nothing.

It starts going no text, no nothing. It just kind of went blanks. First thought that I thought, Perry Mason.

They wrecked the car. They stole something. They ran up my credit card.

There has to They brought bringing a boy home. I don't know. I have all You know what you do when you have time to think.

You know what I mean? So, they finally show up at the house and and Bailey goes straight to her room and Julie walks in and I'm, you know, and I'm thinking, "Oh, something's up." So, I go out and look at the car. Nothing.

I come back in and Julie says to me, she goes, "I need to talk to you about something." I said, "I bet you do." She says, "You can't get mad. You can't blow up and be an idiot or something like that." I said, "Okay, I'm good. Give it to me." She said, "Bailey got a tattoo." Oh man, I saw stamp.

I saw stripper pulls. Not my best crime partner was a stripper, don't get me wrong. Stripper pulls.

I saw Errol Smith videos on TV. I saw every Man, I lost it. You know what I mean?

Somebody's going to jail and I'm freaking mad. And I'm screaming. I call her some names.

I go upstairs and I call Bailey some names and tell her what I think about her. And man, I'm pissed. You know what I mean?

And nobody's somebody's going to jail and it's not me. you know, you can't get a minor tattoo. Well, you can, I guess, in Canada, but in the United States, you can't.

Somebody's going to jail. And so, and it's pretty bad because I have a sleeve and, you know, because I was on a men's retreat and I have some tattoos from my adventure on my men's retreat. And, uh, so I have nothing to talk about.

But when it's your daughter, she's 17. Somebody's going to jail. You know what I mean?

So, I get in my car. This is where I think our stories differ. I think I told you I need to go for a ride.

She probably kicked me out. And I'm driving in my car and I'm going to call this Alanon to rat her out. you know this lady Lori and I'm gonna I'm gonna tell her what happened and she's going to tell me what to do and I'm going to get her for once in this relationship.

I'm the good guy, she's the bad guy. So I call Lori and I gave her everything I had. You know what I mean?

And I'm not getting any response back like call an attorney. Any hints on where to go? Nothing.

Just silence, right? I asked her, "Are you listening?" She said, "Yeah." And I said, "What do you think?" She goes, "You want to know what I really think?" I said, "Well, yeah. That's why I called." She goes, "This is what happened.

You just told your daughter she's not beautiful. You told her that she's never going to be up to your value and any decision she makes is not going to be to your standards. That ain't what I meant.

You know what I mean? I said, "Well, you know," and she goes, "What do I do?" She goes, "You got to go back and make it right." So, as I'm driving, I hear Cliff saying, "You got to invite God to go with you." Like, I don't know that. You know what I mean?

So, I get to the house and, you know, and I walk in and I tell Jilly, "I think I might have overreacted." She said I did. And uh and so I go upstairs and my daughter's sitting on her bed and uh man, you know that moment where you're just ah I screwed up. You know what I mean?

And so I told her, man, you're the most beautiful person I've ever met. You're smart. You're intelligent.

I love you more than anything in the world. I'm just an idiot sometimes. She agreed to that.

And uh and she said, "Well, Dad, do you want to see the tattoo?" "Sure." She lifts up her shirt and it's on her side right here and it's a AA symbol. It says one day at a time and it has these two hands. So the first thing comes to my mind is you're not an alcoholic.

I didn't say anything. And then the other one was we're not Catholic. What's with the praying hands?

But I didn't I didn't say anything. I said well she goes you don't want to know what it means. I said well yeah.

She says well if it wasn't for Alcoholics Anonymous you and mom would have never met and I wouldn't be here. So you know you're trying to hold back the tears and she says the hand going like this is mom's hand cuz she's always doing the cookies and the coffee at the meeting. And the hand going like this up is because you're always giving somebody a hand up.

I thought it couldn't get any worse until I met Paulie Pistol. And uh you know, we're at a conference and and Julie tells the story. It's not as funny when Julie tells the story.

Um or it's not as much one-sided as it is right now. You know what I mean? And so she's telling Paulie the story and it's not going good.

I could tell. And and we're sitting at a big round table and I hear this sweetie. Sweetie, I'm trying to ignore because that's what you do, Jason.

And I was like, "Yeah." She goes, "What's it feel like when God kicks you right in the nuts and then she starts laughing that old lady laugh?" Yeah. But that's what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me. Alcoholics has taught me to show up when I'm when I don't want to show up.

It's taught me to be accountable for my actions and it's taught me to be a better person. I did the steps of Alcoholics with a sponsor and I got involved. But most importantly, I started working with other people.

And when I started working with other people, my life started getting a little bit better and a little bit better and a little bit better. You know, I'm going to end with this part right here. You know, that relationship with my grandma.

I don't know if anybody's in here, there's that one thing that you just can't get rid of. You know, that feeling inside, man, I go by the cemetery and I freaking just get sick to my stomach. And I have to go by it two or three times a week.

And and I and I I mean, I went to people that are high up in AA. I thought there were gurus. And I and I sat with pastors.

I sat with everybody. And I've wrote letters. I took in flowers.

I've asked forgiveness. I I looked for a butterfly. I looked for a bird.

I looked for a what a hummingbird. I've looked for every kind of sign you could possibly get. And I would get these things, but I could never get no relief.

You know what I mean? I just didn't know how to to ever make that amends to my grandma. And I never knew how to make that amends.

And everybody say, "That's a living a man. Screw you. I still have the feeling inside." Write a letter.

Screw you. I still have that feeling inside. It's the only way I know how to get rid of that feeling is to drink.

And I don't want to drink. But how do I do it? I'm flying on an airplane one day and I get this I get this message from this guy and it's a story and it's about this little boy who uh he's the oldest one in his family and his si his sisters come and his dad quits paying attention to him a little bit and so he knows his dad likes football so he goes up to his parents and he asks his parents, "Hey, can I play football?" And they said, "Yeah, that'd be great." And he's only doing it because his dad's going to pay attention to him.

And uh so he uh starts playing football and right away he realizes that's a bad idea. You know what I mean? He he can't run, he can't catch, he doesn't like being tackled, and he just sucks.

But after every single game, his dad comes and finds him, gives him a hug, and tells him he loves him and how proud he is of him. And so the little kid just keeps doing it. He gets all the way to high school, and it's his senior year, and his team makes it to the state championship.

And uh it's a couple weeks before the big game, and his coach calls him over at practice. He says, "Son, I need to talk to you." And he's standing there, he goes, "I don't know how to tell you this, but your dad had a heart attack to die and he passed." And the young man hit his knees and started crying. And people gathered around.

He got up and he asked his coach, "Would it be okay if I go home a little early today?" His coach man said, "This is just a game. You go home and take care of your family and you do what you got to do. Don't worry about football.

It's just a game." So that next couple weeks, they did an article in the school paper about his dad and him. They did a bunch of stuff. They dedicated the season.

The big game comes, the kid doesn't show up. And his team's losing. It's like the third quarter, and all of a sudden, the kid runs out in his uniform, and he uh runs up to coach and asks him if he could play.

And the coach says, "No, you kind of, you know, you're not really good at this." And so he sets him to the side and the kid keeps bugging him like that show Rudy. And uh coach finally lets him in and the first play of the game, the kid intercepts the ball and runs it back, scores a touchdown. Everybody's like, "Ah." You know, and so the coach just tells him, "Just stay in there." And it gets down to the last three seconds of the game and the other team has the ball and they're punting it.

And if they're going to win, their best runner has to run it back for a touchdown. And that's the only way they're going to win the game. And sure enough, the hike the ball, this young kid runs in, blocks the punt, and runs it in for a touchdown and wins the game.

And wins the state championship. And the crowd goes wild just like on TV and Disney. And uh they carry him off the field and it's one of those moments where everybody's excited that night when the coach is leaving the locker room, he sees a young man sitting in the corner.

So he walks up and tells him, "Hey, take your time." And the young man says, "Thanks." And the coach says, "Hey, I need to ask you something." He goes, "What's that? What happened out there? You're the worst student, worst athlete I've ever coached." Right?

Bar none. You can't catch, you can't throw. You're only on the team cuz we like you.

You know what I mean? But you're no good at sports. What happened out there?

And the young man said, "Well, coach, I don't know if you know this, but my dad was at every single game I ever played. Even the games you didn't play me five or six games in a row or the game I lost or I dropped the ball or I missed a tackle. After every one of those games, my dad would come find me and he'd give me a hug and tell me he loved me and how proud he was of me." And the coach is trying to hold back his tear and he goes, "Man, that's a good man." The young man says, "Coach, you know what you don't know is my dad was blind.

And tonight's the first night he ever got to see me play." And just like that, I realized every time I stand on a podium, I say, "Man, my name's Jason Johnson. I'm an alcoholic." Or every time I walk into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I see somebody I don't know, and I wake up, I shake their hand and say, "My name's Jason. I haven't seen you here before.

May I sit by you?" My grandma gets to see that. She's seen every point I've taken. She's seen everything I've done in my life in recovery.

And it just gave me a piece. It's like taking that first drink, you know, uh because of the relationship you give me with God. You know, every morning I get on my knees and I say, "My dear friend, if you see fit and it be thy will, I sure appreciate if I could stay in Alcoholics Anonymous just one more day." And I get up and I try to be the best member of Alcoholics Anonymous I can.

And in doing that, you built me a relationship that I know when I go to that big meeting in the sky, there's some guys I want to see really bad. But I know who's going to be in the parking lot waiting to see me, and it's going to be my grandparents. You know, my grandpa's probably going to be leaning against the car, and he's going to see me, and he's going to wave cuz he thinks I never know where I'm going, and I'm never on time, he says.

And uh you know and I'm going to be able to walk up to that guy. I'm going to be able to look him in the eye and tell him thank you. Thank you for giving me a safe place to live and hugging him.

I never did that. You know, my grandma on the other hand, man. If I close my eyes, I can see my grandma dancing and she's probably going to be praising Jesus and thanking God and probably throwing a couple I told you so into my grandpa.

But you know what she's going to do? She's going to hug me and she's going to whisper in my ear she loves me. And then she's going to tell me she's proud of me because of what you folks have done for me and what you've taught me.

I'm going to be able to look her in the eye and say, "Grandma, it's the damnest thing." Some alcoholics in this program and alcoholics anonymous. Some people that people said had no value, no worth, or no meaning. The people that have been locked up and put away, some of those people found a solution and introduced it to me.

But most importantly, grandma, some of those people showed me a little bit of grace. And in doing that, they introduced me to that guy inside of here that only you knew existed. I owe that to you.

If you're sitting in here tonight and somebody's telling you you have no value, no meaning, no purpose, somebody's telling you you're a piece of crap and you're not going to amount to nothing, do me a favor. Do yourself a favor. Look them in the eye and tell them to go crap on themselves.

Cuz everybody's life has meaning. Everybody's life has a value and everybody's life has a purpose. You know, a few weeks ago, I was or year ago, I was stuck in an airport and the plane landed and and I was mad and they canceled our flight and I was frustrated and I was just being adjacent.

I'm walking up this thing and I see this picture of Albert Einstein. And on the thing it says, "The two most important days of your life, the day you were born and the day you realized why." Thank you for giving me a reason why. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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