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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Thank you, Lou. An introduction like that reminds me of this sign I saw and it was outside of church and it said uh annual strawberry festival, but due to the recession, we'll be serving prunes.

And so I uh I'm an alcoholic. My name is Jay Kimell. Hey everybody.

I've been sober by the grace of a loving God, extremely strong, strong sponsorship, and because I'm an active member of a home group since October the 12th of 2003. Uh that home group's the traditional group. We meet on Tuesday and Friday nights at 8:00 in Greenville, South Carolina.

And if you're ever up there, we'd love to have you come visit with us. Um I want to thank Jay and the committee for uh inviting Kimberly and I down. And um this is a convention that that we come to regularly and you guys do a tremendous job and and everything's just been fantastic and I'm looking forward to a to a real good weekend.

So we appreciate you having us. Um you know, when I first started to come around to Alcoholics Anonymous, I used to hang around at a lot of open discussion meetings. Um I don't do that much anymore, but but I used to.

And and there was a lot there was a there was a group of old guys and they'd sit in the back and they'd say, "Stick around, kid. you'll get your life back. And uh man, I never liked that.

I just didn't I didn't want my life back. And thanks to good sponsorship, the doctor's opinion talks about the the message that must hold us alcoholics has to have depth and weight. And it talks about if I'll ground my ideals and a power greater than myself, I'll recreate my life.

And that's something completely different than getting my life back. Um, you know, page 29 of the big book talks about clear-cut directions. And I the first direction it gives right after that is what I think I'm supposed to do tonight.

And basically what it says that I'm supposed to tell you in my own words and from my own point of view how I formed my relationship with God. And I'm going to try to do that. Um, I'm going to tell you a little story that might explain my relationship with God before I got here.

It's about this guy and he was in a parking lot and he just he was couldn't find a parking space. He's late, had to be in court. And he just stopped the car and he looked up and he said, "God, I got to get in this courthouse.

If you'll just help me, I'll go back to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'll I'll be nice to that wife and I'll get get a job and I'll do right." And when he opened his eyes, there was a parking space. And he said, "Never mind. I found one." And uh and you know, and that's that's the kind of way that's the kind of the way I was before I got here.

I uh I grew up in a home with good parents. They never missed a PTA meeting. They never missed a baseball practice.

Um they provided for me really well. But um you know, I guess the two most important things that happened to me when I was a kid happened when I was about 7 years old. And um the first thing that happened was I had a younger brother that was born.

And uh and I I just, you know, I never was one of these kids who felt like the attention was taken from the younger child. You know, we were just we remained close and we've always remained close. And um but it was about that time too that my parents set me down and um I know that they did it in a loving and caring way because that's the kind of parents they were.

But they told me that my father loved me and my mother so much when he met her that he adopted me. And um you know an interesting thing I have an interesting thing that happens to me maybe it happens to you. I don't always hear what people tell me.

And what I heard was there's something wrong with you. And uh now I don't know how much of that I processed at seven years old, but I knew I immediately felt different. And I immediately began to be filled with this hate and this rage that I didn't know where it came from.

And um you know, it wasn't long after that that I started to realize that there were some things different about my house. And um and it was what it was. It was my father's drinking.

And um and I'm going to talk to you some tonight about my relationship with my father. It's important for me to tell you that I do that with his permission. Um, it's a little more important for me to tell you that tonight since he's sitting out in the crowd somewhere, but uh but you know, I um I I was filled with all that hate and that anger and I didn't know where it came from.

And um I began to lie and I began to to find things that the neighborhood kids um lost before they lost them. And you know, I just I just was a I was just a rotten kid. And um and I used I used the situations at my house to make people feel sorry for me.

And I manipulated situations and I manipulated people. And I did all this um in an effort to make myself feel better. I uh one of the things I I swore though is I swore that I was never going to drink because I hated my father.

I hated the way he was. I hated the things that happened in my home. I hated to have to hold that seven year I hated to have to hold that six-year-old little boy in between my legs at night when things were breaking and they were screaming and say, "It's okay.

I'm not going to let him hurt you." I just hated that. And I swore I was never going to do that to anybody. And uh but you know, when I got to be about 15 years old, all my buddies were starting to drink.

Now um I'm a follower. It's important for me to tell you that. I watched what you do and I did it so fast.

Looked like we're doing it at the same time. And uh so so one of the things that I did, my buddies were drinking and we decided one day that we were we went across the tracks to the wrong side of town, so to speak, and we're hanging around this gas station and we were trying to get folks to buy some wine. And we're having a hard time.

I wasn't bald back then. I was about 15 years old. But by this time, I'd learned to manipulate anything.

I mean, I could manipulate any situation. And there's this old guy walking around in an army coat with a gas can, and he's trying to get people to fill that gas can up. Nobody will do it.

So, I studied this situation. And the guy's name was High Test. And he he huffed gasoline fumes out of that gas can.

And and they knew him around there and just wanted to run him off. And so, I said, "Hey, man. I'll fill the gas can up.

They'll think I'm a kid cutting grass locally around here. you get some wine and I'll meet you out back. And you I was to find out at 15 years old the kind of places alcohol was going to take me for the next 15 years.

By 5:00 that afternoon, I was behind that gas station huffing gasoline fumes with that guy drinking wine. And uh never got much better than that. I uh I never was much of a student, but I I drunk I drank that wine and took a couple pulls off that gas can and I breezed right through high school.

Uh four years, three summer schools. I um You know, I got in a lot of trouble where alcohol was concerned right off the bat. I um I lost my driver's license not long after I got it for underage possession of alcohol and ended up in a um ended up in some kind of outpatient counseling for alcoholism.

And I know that sometime in high school, I attended my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And and I don't remember anything about any of the AA meetings I went to there other than one day I was sitting in there and Mr. Black came walking in and Mr.

Black was my shop teacher and his eyes got about as big as my eyes got. And I I don't know if I ever went back to another meeting. But somehow I managed to um finish high school and get the opportunity to go to Lewisburg, North Carolina to a little junior college down there on a baseball with an opportunity to play baseball.

And um you know I got down there to Lewisburg and it was a little Methodist um college and it was you know there was like a Walmart and a Hardies and um man I I had grown up in Northern Virginia right outside of Washington DC so I was like used to the city and here I am Walmart in a Hardies Methodist you know I just was and um you know I drank up that opportunity to play baseball in less than three months. I never saw the baseball field. >> Um, not during the day anyway.

The baseball field set way down at the end of campus. We used to go we used to go down there in the dugout at night and drink. Um, that's the only time I ever saw it.

And um, I said some things to the dean one night that uh, you shouldn't say to the dean at a Methodist school. And uh, and you know that was it. And and back home I went.

Now this is um, this is kind of a recurring theme in my story. I went back home to mom and uh a good alcoholic. I've met a lot of us that do that.

Um and I did and I went back home but but when I went back home things were different. That that younger brother that I had um see all through school I had been Mr. Potential.

If you would just apply yourself, if you would just work a little bit harder, you know, I had coaches say that and teachers and but I didn't care about any of that stuff. I didn't care about working harder. And um you know I used to have this counselor, her name was Miss Roach, and she would always ask me,"Wh do you do the things that you do?" And um you know, I would give her the typical alcoholic answer, I guess.

I don't know. You know, but what I wanted to tell her was if you knew the way I felt when I wasn't drinking, you'd never ask me that again. I just hated the way I felt and and I hated who I was becoming and I hated the things I was doing, but I didn't know not how to do them.

I uh I got back home and gosh, man, I guess I've had her been fired from more jobs than most people ever even apply for. You know, I'd work somewhere for a couple weeks and get a paycheck and I wouldn't like that and I'd quit. And um but that younger brother I had was um he was the student body president.

He was the male athlete of the year. He was the MVP of the baseball team. He was all the things that I wanted to be that they said I could be that alcohol kept me from being.

And um you know that's a tough position to be in. Um you know I would look at him and I would I would think to myself why can't I be like that and um and I would just drown it in more alcohol. And you know, I was a blackout drinker and I I would black out and there'd be this moment where I could hear and see, but like I couldn't walk and I couldn't talk, like I just couldn't move.

We were um just to give you an example, we were at a party one night out in the country and we were coming home um and there was a deer on the side of the road and we decided that it looked like it had just been hit so we were going to just have some venison pick it up, take it home. So we picked the deer up, we put it in the back of the truck and uh we get back into town. And you got to kind of picture this.

Officer Wolverton's house is on this corner and my house is on this corner and there's an entrance to the city park in between those two houses and uh we get that deer in the light and and nobody was going to be eating any meat off of that deer if you know what I mean. It was in bad shape and so we just threw it in the bushes. We pulled up in the park and just threw it in the bushes.

And now Officer Wolverton must have been looking out the window because we didn't get two or three blocks down the road and we were surrounded by the police. They had their guns drawn. Um, and I'm laying in the back of this truck and I'm can't move and I can't talk, but I can feel him hitting my ankles with that big old flashlight.

And uh, I've known Officer Wolverton my whole life. I'm the kind of kid who got in a lot of trouble in the neighborhood. So, when we weren't strangers and he I can I remember this like it was it was yesterday.

He said to my buddy Bobby, he said, "Uh, you guys call yourself this boy's friends? He can have alcohol poisoning." And without missing a beat, Bobby said, "He doesn't have alcohol poisoning. He's like that all the time." And uh you know, and I I just did like I just did things like that.

And you know, I never I never had been much of a um much of a ladies man. And uh so I didn't have that that deal kind of tying me down. And you know, some of you older guys like Skip may remember a time when you could do cool stuff in America, like join the circus or ride the rails.

Um, it's like the Great American Adventure back then. And my Great American Adventure involved a 74 Volkswagen pop top van and a summer on the road with the Grateful Dead. And uh, I saw a lot of stuff on the road with the Grateful Dead.

I'm not so sure it was all really there, but uh I packed everything I owned in that in that 74 Volkswagen van and and we hit the road and um we were on our way to New York City. We were coming from Columbia, South Carolina. We'd taken a detour.

The dead wasn't playing that night or something. We stopped at Farm Aid and this Farm Aade was in Columbia, South Carolina and we were selling grilled cheeses in the parking lot of Williams Bryce Stadium and uh you know we left Columbia headed for New York City and we got as far as Dunn, North Carolina, which is a little town outside of Fagatville and we stopped at a Stuckies and a Hardies in the same building. Now I'm from the suburbs of Washington DC.

I'd never seen anything like that. I was amazed. And uh I it was just the strangest thing to me.

But we were pumping gas in that van and the engine in those things is in the back and it caught on fire and when the fire hit the gas we just put in it, it blew up. It exploded. It burnt to the ground.

Um the only things left were some some balloons and you could figure out what those were for. And and uh and a and a Bob Dylan CD. And uh I think I still have that Bob Dylan CD, but but here I am on the side of the road.

I'm 20 years old. Everything I'd accumulated in my life was in that van. I had on a pair of cut off shorts and a Jerry Garcia t-shirt, no shoes.

And um you know, I called my mom and I said, "You're going to have to send me some money to come back home." And um and she did. Um you know, and I went back home and and nothing got better. You know, dad had gone to treatment when I was in the eighth grade.

and and he'd gotten sober and by the time I got back home he was drinking again and and it got bad and sometimes it would get violent and and sometimes it wouldn't and um it was about this time that I met a young lady and um she was going to fix me. She was responsible and but the deal was she was moving to West Palm Beach, Florida. Now my parents afforded me every opportunity in the world to succeed and um I found an art school down in Fort Lauderdale, Florida that accepted me.

I can't draw. I can't I can't color. I can't paint.

I you know, I got a three-year-old. I I just am just not artistically talented. I don't I don't know how I got into that school, but nevertheless, I did.

And um you know, I I hold I hold to the fact that alcoholism is a family disease. And and I can probably give you some examples of that. And the first one is that my parents loaded up everything and um they took me down to Fort Lauderdale and they went to that school and they paid the bills at the school and then we went over to the apartment complex and um they paid the bills at the apartment complex and then they went to the bank and they gave me a check and account and a checkbook and they both hugged me and they both said, "Son, we love you and we know you're going to do good." And um we left and we left that school and they left and I never went back.

Um yeah, I rode that as long as you can ride it. They started calling six six or seven months later looking for report cards and I you know I didn't have any of that stuff. But um what had happened to me while I was in Florida was the things that I did, the things that I saw in that house that I swear I'd never do, I began to do those things to that young lady.

And um I can remember waking up and um my roommate's there and there's a hole in the wall and there's broken glass and he's looking at me, but I don't remember. I don't remember anything. But he's got that look and he says, "What's wrong with you?

You spit in her face last night." And I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know I can't stop. I hope I never have to feel what it feels like to try to apologize for something you don't remember doing ever again.

I uh you know I somehow I convinced her to come back to Virginia with me and um we went back to my parents house and I um you know we rocked along doing that for a while and I wouldn't I wouldn't work. I would just lay around drunk on in, you know, in my room and um just cause problems and and get in trouble with the law and just just despicable despicable things that I would do when I was drinking and um you know, sometimes I might be the life of the party and then um then I might spit in your face, you know, those those kind of things. And um and I left I left one New Year's Eve and um I just left her and uh and that's what I do.

just kind of like the tornado, you know, I had to mess it up and then I leave and it's your problem. You can fix it because I don't care because when I'm gone, it's not my problem anymore. And um you know, and she left and and she was gone.

And um I started to spend a lot of time in um southeast Washington DC. And uh it was on one of those days um that I let a guy stick a needle in my arm. And I'm not here tonight to tell you that story.

There's a reason that I even bring it up. But from that day, it wasn't 3 months that I was living on Skid Row, Southeast Washington DC on Third Street in an abandoned house. And um if you've ever lived on the streets, I don't I don't really need to go into the details of that.

I just did all the things that you do when you live on the streets. And the main thing I did is I became a criminal. I learned how to become a criminal criminal.

Here's the here's the young boy with all the potential who's, you know, was the episcopal acolyte and whose parents provided him all these opportunities to succeed. And I'm on the streets digging in trash cans and um just doing whatever it is I have to do to survive. And and um and and my mother would come down there at night sometimes looking for a little boy and sometimes she would find me and sometimes she wouldn't.

And um you know, I had a friend of mine who had uh grew up down the street, five houses down the street from me. And he moved out to Steamboat Springs, Colorado, and he was out there coaching high school basketball. And he found out about my situation.

He called my mom. My parents were um getting ready to move back to Greenville, South Carolina. My dad had just retired from his job.

And um my brother was going off to Virginia Tech University. So, you know, it sounded like a good idea to me. Um, I don't know if any of you ever been to Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

I'd never been there, but I saw some pictures and I was, you know, living on Skid Row. Steamboat Springs is a heck of a lot prettier than Skid Row. And, uh, but I had to get detoxed and and that was a tough deal.

And I got detoxed and um, alcoholism, the family disease, kicked in again. This time they bought me a brand new car. Um, they gave me another checkbook and they sent me to they sent me to Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

And and they didn't have any of that poison out there. At least not that I could find. I looked um but uh but they had vodka and I tried to drink all of it.

I um I left a bar one night in that brand new car and um I heard a loud crash and I felt something hit me in the face and when I realized it was the airbag, I wrestled it down and um the car was still running and there's like two cops in Steamboat. I mean there's like 600 people in that town or something when it's not ski season. So the car was running.

I did probably what you would have done. If the car is running and nobody's around, I drove home. And uh you know, it wasn't long after that there was blue lights and sirens and all this commotion and I was just drunk enough and dumb enough to walk out there and see what was going on.

And uh and you know the next thing you know I'm handcuffed and uh you know I was at a wedding not long ago in DC and uh the guy who who put my shoes on me that night while I was handcuffed was telling Kimberly the story and I uh you know he he put he put my shoes on me while I was handcuffed my roommate and they took me to jail and um you know three or four days went by and mom wouldn't answer my phone calls and u mom and dad had were were going through a divorce and and dad was drinking again and I thought well if I can get my drunk want dad on the phone. He'll understand. He'll send some money out here and get me out of jail.

And and finally I did. I got him on the phone and he sent the money and I got out and my roommate came and picked me up and he threw the newspaper on my lap and the front page of the Steamboat Springs inquir said oil trail leads police to drunk driver. I uh I had busted that oil pan in that accident.

They'd followed it into this apartment complex and I guess if id have stayed in the house I wouldn't have got caught. But if you're the high school basketball coach and your and your roommate's the oil trail guy, that doesn't work out too well in a small town like that. So, um you know, needless to say, he asked me to leave and um and I did.

I went back to Greenville, South Carolina. My parents were there and and like I said, they were going through a divorce and um and I didn't want to be a part of that. I didn't I'd been to Greenville before cuz my whole family was from there, but you know, I kind of fancied myself a city boy.

And um man, they like NASCAR and fishing and hunting and I didn't like any of that stuff. I liked Skidro and liquor and wineos and um you know so I had a I had a I had a friend of mine call me and he said his his his mother was a secretary where my father had worked in DC growing up. He called me and he said, "Hey man, I'm down here at Coastal Carolina University and my parents um my parents have bought this condo down here in Surfside." He said, "I got an extra room.

Why don't you just come down? They they pay the bills. We won't even tell them you're living here.

And man, I said, "Bruce, I'll be there in two days, but you're going to have to come get me because I don't have a driver's license." And he came to Greenville and picked me up. And I came down here to Myrtle Beach and got a job up at Broadway at the Beach at Joe's Crab Shack bartending. And um got a doctor down in Georgetown because I had bad back problems from that accident.

And um you know, I can remember I was at work one night and I was in his car with no driver's license and he called me and I'd been I'd been working I don't know 3 or 4 hours. And um he called and he said, "I meant to tell you, man, please don't drink and drive in that car. That car is still in my mom's name." And I said, "Man, how long have we known each other?

I wouldn't do that." Now, I'd been behind that bar for 4 hours. There's ain't no telling how drunk I was already, but that's the last thing I remember till the next morning when I woke up in Ory County Regional Medical Center with three broken ribs and a fractured bone in my face and a blood alcohol level of 0.29 at 7:30 in the morning. And I don't have any idea where I was going or where I was coming from.

And um they took me to that car to get my golf clubs out and it was the first time in my life I'd ever been scared of what alcohol could do to me. That car looked like one of those cars they set outside of a high school at prom time to keep kids from drinking and driving. And um I was scared till I got to the pharmacy and filled that prescription they gave me and went to the to the liquor, you know, to the beer aisle and got some beer.

And um interesting thing happened. I called my mom. She'd been on me about getting a job.

And I said, "Mom, I need $500." And she said, 'Well, I'm not going to be able to help you this time, son. That had never happened in 24 years. Never.

I never had to ask more than once, usually. I said, 'Look, you've been on me about getting this job. I got this job at this nice restaurant.

I got to have black pants and black shoes and a white shirt, and I need $500. I got to have two outfits. I'm not going to be able to help you this time, son.

Well, I can probably get by on 250. Well, son, I I'm taking care of myself now. I'm a member Alanon.

You're going to have to take care of yourself. Now, I don't know who those Alanons are, but I'm going to Greenville to find out. I can tell you that.

And uh the um the solicitor in Myrtle Beach, he had the idea that I was going to spend 30 days in jail or 30 days in this treatment center that mom had picked out. You know, Alanons are funny that way. She'd had it all lined up.

All I had to be detox, though. So, we they come get me, her and my aunt. I had this aunt who was like a mother to me and they come pick me up and they run me back up the road to Greenville to detox and here we go off and I'm ask them where is this treatment center?

Well, it's in Mayberry, North Carolina. Mayberry, North Carolina. That's like the Andy Griffin show, right?

Like that's high that's not even a real place. And um I can assure you that it is. They got Floyd's Barber Shop and all that stuff up there.

But um you know we get in the car and and we're headed to um to Mayberry Mount Ary and uh they had my dad had always told me I needed to be in some kind of sales and I did the best selling job I'd ever done in my life up until that point between Greenville, South Carolina and Charlotte, North Carolina. By the time I got to Charlotte, I had a bus ticket and was dropped off at the Greyhound bus station. See, going to treatment scared me to death.

I got on that Greyhound bus and I went back to Washington DC to Skid Row because that didn't scare me. And uh that court date got a little bit closer though in jail scared me. And um I don't know why I had hope I had uh the the treatment center's phone number, but I did.

And I called down there and I got a lady named Carol on the phone. And I had always been able to manipulate women. And I got Carol on the phone.

And by the time I hung up, I was crying and begging, "Please, can I come back?" You know, "Please, can I come?" And and they let me come and um you know, I got there and walking up to the porch, if any of y'all ever been there. I'm walking up to the porch and there's this little old man sitting on the porch and he's got this box and he sounds like Darth Vader. Scared me to death.

I was scared. And um yeah, I stayed scared of that guy for a week or so, man. that that old man taught me a lot about love and he taught me as much as I'd let him teach me about the disease alcoholism and um you know I was in that treatment center it seems like I was there about 7 days and I was in one of those meetings and and they read um how it works and they got to that line where they say we beg you to be fearless and thorough from the very start and I disqualified myself from Alcoholics Anonymous because I was scared to death and uh but I needed a letter for this judge down here and um so I you know I did what they asked me to do and I got the letter and but you know Mr.

B did a great thing for me. He sent me back to Greenville, South Carolina to um what's still today my home group to another old man who'd been sober longer than I've been alive. And the old man was waiting on me when I got to the door and he put his arm around me.

He said, "I've been waiting on you." and he walked me up to the front row of our home group and he sat me down and he said, "This is where you sit. You keep your mouth shut." And uh you know, I spent the next four years doing everything he told me not to do except sit on the front row. He would say, "Leave that girl alone, Jay.

She's trying to get sober." And I'd go sit right next to her, say, "Hey, how are you?" You know, or whatever. And um you know and I came to the meetings drunk and uh oh I was just it was just terrible. I just um you know I ended up I ended up living in this little apartment um this room is what it was.

The bed folded up into the wall and um but you know there was a church next door and those Alenons met in that church. They met on Friday nights and uh it was it was a Friday night and I'd had just enough it was one of those been awake three or four day Friday nights, you know, been up all week. Um but I had just enough courage to finally go over there and tell them cuz I knew what they did is on Fridays they sat over there and they told my mom, "Don't give him any more money.

Don't let that boy come home. Don't answer the phone. If the police are looking for him, just call him.

Tell him where he is. I know. I knew that's what they did.

And uh and I wasn't I was just tired of it and I was going to over there to tell them. And uh and I I jumped the fence and I stormed in the back doors of that church and the room was full and there was a guy at the podium dressed like I am tonight. It was Monday night and that's when the AA speaker meeting was on Mondays.

And uh I don't know if you ever been drunk in the back of an AA speaker meeting and they all turn around. You're like a deer in headlights back there. And uh and and I'd been a nuisance around Greenville AA for a while.

So I knew a lot of people and I tapped this guy that I knew named Richard on the shoulder. When you're in that situation, you got to ask for help at least to get out of it whether you want it or not. I said, "Richard, man, I need some help.

I can't stop drinking." and he came outside and he said, 'Well, why don't I go in here and get Bob and we'll come over, flush that garbage down the toilet, pour all that vodka out, and we'll take you to detox. And I thought, man, here we go. Another drastic proposal from Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, everything y'all wanted me to do seemed so outrageous. And I looked at my watch and it was about 8:15. And I said, "Richard, you probably need to be in that meeting." I said, "So, why don't you go back in there and you'd come over at 9:00 and I'll just have all that stuff gone.

We won't have to throw anything away." Well, they never came. And um but you know, page 30 of this book talks about pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. And I'm going to give you my definition of that.

It's two o'clock in the morning. I've been awake for God knows how long. I got a big jug of grape Kool-Aid and a big bottle of Gilby's vodka and I got to get a drink down.

But when I chug it down, it hits my stomach and I throw it up. And I chug it again and it hits my stomach and I throw it up. >> And I take one of those needles I was telling you about and I start filling it up with that vodka and start shooting at my veins and I can't stop.

I cannot stop. I don't want to be the way I am, but I don't know how to stop. And um you know, I can remember living in that apartment and my mom would drive by there and I spent a lot of time peeking out the windows and uh and I would see her I would see her drive by, but but she would never stop.

You know, she told me later that she was scared to knock on the door cuz she's scared I was going to be dead. And um you know I lived my life like that. I uh I uh I got into some trouble something about stealing a lady's purse and um I got caught and I went to jail and I ended up in jail and um you know I called my mom and you know by this time active Alanon every time I called her for something she had some treatment center picked out like already lined up all the information all the ducks in a row.

I'll come help you, but that's the only help you're getting from me. And I wasn't going back to treatment. I'd already been to Hope Valley and Mr.

B taught me everything I need to know. I need to go back to Alcoholics Anonymous. I got a sponsor.

I got a seat on the front row over there probably still. I I don't need to go to treatment again. I need to go back to AA.

I surely don't need to go to treatment for 6 months in the middle of nowhere in Georgia. And uh she would just hang up. Well, when you're ready to go, call me back.

you know, and um it took it took 10 days and I just couldn't take it anymore. And I said, "Come get me out of this jail. I'll go anywhere you want me to go." And um you know, they wouldn't even take me home.

I mean, they wouldn't the bus station trip taught them something. I think they they wouldn't even they just pick me up, pepperoni, pizza in the car, change of clothes. Georgia.

We turned onto what is what has got to be the longest dirt road in the southeast down in Lewisville, Georgia. And we get out to this place. And I call it AA boot camp.

It's it's called the Bridges of Hope. But you can't speak unless you're spoken to. You got to carry your big book with you everywhere you go.

You got to sit with your back straight up and your feet flat on the floor. And if little Johnny's got 20 days and you got 18 days, little Johnny can tell you whatever he wants and you got to do it. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

They line all the new guys up along the wall under 30 days when you eat and you sit all the guys who got more than 30 days are eating and all the new guys are along the wall and you got to sit there with your big book reading it and they they'd go, "Hey boy." You know, some like 19-year-old little kid calling you that. Hey boy, what uh what are the first three words on page 112? and you think you're going to do something fantastic and you flip over there and read this book.

Those are the first three words they'd say, "Shut up." That's right. Shut up and read. Man, I did.

And I was facing a lot of time in prison. I'd been on um probation when I got in all that trouble. And so, I'll shut up and read rather than go to prison.

I mean, I did that. I did that for for 6 months. Every day I did that.

I was drunk in three days when I left. And um and I was homeless and I was living in this car that I had um that I had borrowed the money from a guy in AA to get the car and um and not paid him back. And uh I had stolen a license plate off a car off of a truck from one of my grandfather's trucks.

And I was living in this car and it's winter time and it was cold and my grandparents business was here and the their house was right next door. And I would um I would park that car in the morning, like 6:30 in the morning, out in front of my grandparents house because I knew at 6:30 in the morning, my grandmother would be in the kitchen. She'd be making breakfast.

She'd be reading the upper room and she'd look out that window. She'd see her favorite grandson out in that car and she'd come out there and I'd say, "What's wrong with your daughter, grandmother? She won't let me come home now.

I know you raised her better than that. Can't Can't you call her? I mean, it's cold out there.

I don't have anywhere to go. Yeah. Who does that?

I did that. That's what alcohol does to me. And um you know, I did that for I don't know how long.

One morning I couldn't take it anymore. And I called a guy named Arch and I said, 'Arch, I don't know what to do. And he said, 'Well, I do.

He said, 'Why don't I come get you and we'll take you to an AA meeting. And uh Arch came and picked me up and he took me to the meeting and um and you know, you guys did the same thing you'd always done. You just hugged me and you welcomed me back and you said it was going to be okay.

And I um man, I started doing good. my, you know, my family let me they they let me come to work for that company and um I got my own little place and I was, you know, 90 days sober and I'm on the front row at my home group and she walks in and she I know she's looking at me. I can I can like feel her eyes in the back of my head, but I know what they're going to say.

I know what they're going to say. So, I don't even say anything. I just walk outside.

There's this little bench outside our home group and I go sit on that bench and I think the daily reflection that morning been about God's will or something and I said I'm not going to talk to her but if she comes over here it must be God's will and and and she did. She came over and and we started to talk and she said, "Hi, my name's Kimberly." And I said, "Hi, my name's Jay." And she said, "You have beautiful eyes." And I told you I don't always hear what people tell me. What I heard was, "Can I have your phone number?

So, I wrote it down and I gave it to her and I don't know how long it was. A couple weeks went by. No, I you know, I didn't see her anywhere cuz I went to every AA meeting in Greenville looking for her and she didn't call.

Now, I'm sensitive alcoholic now. I had bathed every day for 3 months. I had on clean clothes.

You know, my feelings were hurt. And come to find out, she was in jail. So, so we're we're off to a good start and uh you know, she got out of jail and um you know, I I knew what they were going to say.

And uh you know, but there just comes a point where where finally my sponsor was just like, you know, just take it slow. You're not going to listen to me anyway. You know, and I did.

I waited a couple weeks before I let her move in. And uh you know I was playing on an AA softball team at the time and um man it'd been a long time since I got to like show off any athletic ability. So well first of all I'd been thinking about drinking now I moved her in.

I'd never had anything of my own and I'm 90 days sober and I move her in and now my bed is our bed and my living room's our living room and I didn't like that and I was ready to drink and get out of there but I my ego was big enough that I wanted to go to the AA softball game and show off before I left and uh so she could know what she was missing once I was gone. And uh so so I we get down to the AA softball game and I'm in the batters box and I hear all this commotion going on and I look over and they're taking her up the hill in handcuffs. And I thought right then I might just marry that girl.

I mean, hey, when I drink, I get handcuffed. You got to have somebody who understands that kind of thing. It was uh it was a it was a misunderstanding and uh and and Kimberly got out of jail and you know it it wasn't long and and we were on probation and it wasn't long till um it wasn't it wasn't long till we till we both were drunk and we were in violation of our probation and um we got thrown out of that apartment and we were on the run and um you know I got a phone call one day from my mom and she said, "I don't care where you are or what kind of shape you're in, but Donna's passed away." Some of y'all may have known Donna.

And she said, "That old man and Donna love you and you get to that mortuary." And I was drunk and I got in a cab. I took a cab to that mortuary. And I walked in the front doors of that mortuary and with his wife of 25 years in the casket of the next room when the old man saw me, he put his arms around me and he took me off to the side and he talked to me about Alcoholics Anonymous.

And when I left that mortuary, I wanted to be like that old man so bad. So bad. See, I always wanted what you had in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I just wasn't willing to do what you did to get it. And uh you know, Kimberly and I left. We had to leave Greenville.

The you know, the heat was on and mom was you know, I was just convinced that she was looking for the cops so she could call them and tell them where I was. And she'd had to tried to have me committed. Now, I didn't even know you could do that to somebody.

But they take me over to this hospital and they interview me and it's like a commitment. I guess if you fail the interview, they just lock you up in some hospital or something. Second bestselling job I'd ever done in my life up until that point.

I asked this doctor if he'd ever heard of Allanon. And he said that he had and I said, "Well, she's a member of that outfit and she's been quit going to her meetings and she's gone crazy." I said, "I she's the one with the problem, not me. you got to let me go.

I just can't. And he did. He cut me loose.

And you talk about m me and Sterl were talking about that at intergroup the other day. I She's mad as fire that day, boy. And uh but Kimberly and I were on the run and we were ended up in a Skidro hotel room in Columbia, South Carolina.

And we were in that little 15 by 15 hotel room or whatever it was. And I can remember being in that hotel room with the young lady that I love more than anything in the world and never feeling so alone in my whole life. I was just consumed with fear and ashamed.

And I knew that there was a better way, but I couldn't force myself to do what you guys did. See, I would come here and I'd want everything to just be given to me. I didn't want to work for anything.

And um Kimberly had this bright idea to go back up to Greenville, make some money. Sounds like a bad idea to me. The cops were looking for us and um my mom was looking for me, I know, to call the cops and I wasn't sure AA might been looking for us.

I didn't know. And uh but but we get back to Greenville and um and and Kimberly um Kimberly did this deal and it it went wrong and the cops came and um you know, Kimberly got arrested and I got away. I just ran.

I you know, we had made this deal that if you know, one of us gets caught, we need to just don't make no sense for both of us to be in jail. You can't get the other one out. So I just ran.

And uh you know I ended up in uh in a treatment center in um down in Columbia, South Carolina. And uh you know I guess it seemed like I don't know how long I was there, maybe seven or 10 days again. And um they read that line again.

We beg you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. in um in the forward to the second edition that talks about when Bill's in the hotel and he has the thought that he needs to carry this message to another alcoholic and and I've read this book the first 164 pages and done the work in it with a sponsor and and me and my sponsor discussed that part of of that in length and we talked about how God must have created that thought for Bill and I'd like to share with you the thought God created for me that day in that treatment center when they read that line. We beg you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.

Rather than disqualifying myself from Alcoholics Anonymous like I'd always done, I heard the second part of that and thorough. I thought to myself right then, maybe I can't be fearless, but I can be thorough. From that moment to this moment, I've been thorough in Alcoholics Anonymous.

What I found out is the more thorough I am, the more that fear is removed. I um you know, the first thing they made me do is call my probation officer and um and tell her where I was. And she said, "Well, that's good.

You probably need to be there. How long is the the treatment?" And I said, "28 days." And she said, "There'll be an officer there waiting on you. We'll be there to pick you up." And I had to figure out a way to accept the fact that my journey in sobriety was going to start in jail.

And uh and I did that. I, you know, I just I'd been around long enough to know that there was chairs up there and if they needed to be moved by God, I'd go up there and move them. And if something needed to be done, I just did it.

I' I'd watched the people in my home group. I'd watched the people in Alcoholics Anonymous for all those years. Even though I didn't listen to them, I watched what they did.

And um and I did that. And and sure enough, 28 days later, there was a couple cops there and they handcuffed me and they shackled my feet. They were nice enough to handcuff me in the front.

That's like a 100 mile drive in handcuffs. It wasn't very comfortable. And they took me to jail and um you know I called my mom and now I hadn't called her for 30 days in treatment and I hadn't called AA and I hadn't called anybody and I'd never done that before.

I did what those people asked me to do at that treatment center when they asked me to do it exactly the way they asked me to do it. And I asked God every morning in that treatment center to help me stay sober. And I began to get these thoughts that maybe I could do this.

Maybe I was going to be okay. And I also began to get these thoughts that if I didn't that my life was going to be like this forever. This was the way it's going to be.

And I called my mother that day and I told her that. And I said, 'I know that there's no reason in the world you should believe me or or put any faith in anything I tell you, but I can't prove anything in this jail. Please get me out of here.

Now, I wanted to get out. Make any bones about that. I did want to get out of jail.

I didn't want to be in there, but um you know, she did. She came and got me out and she said, "I'm done. This is your one shot." She let me spend one night at her house.

She locked up everything that was worth any value. Um she um a a friend of mine had made arrangements for me to interview with the halfway house the next day and I did that and I got into that halfway house and um you know I wanted to go back to work for that family business but they wouldn't let me and um a few months went by and they let me go back and you know I was about three months sober and um and and I got to face my first my first hardship in sobriety that aunt that I told you out who was like a mother to me. she um she got sick very suddenly and passed away and I had to go to the hospital and I had to tell her um you know I had to say goodbye and um I went in that I went in that room and I held her hand that night and I said um I said Janie it's Jay and I just want you to know that I'm sober and it's okay for you to go if you have to go and one day at a time I'm going to try to stay sober for you and um you guys have helped me help me do that.

you've helped me keep that promise and I walked out of that emergency room and I looked up and the little old nurse was was a lady that I knew from the from the Alleno club in Greenville. She put her arms around my neck. She hugged me and she said, "You know, it's 10:00 and they got a meeting over at the club at 10:30 where they turn off all the lights and they light candles.

Why don't you go over there, Jay?" And I did. And um you know, so as an example of of of doing the work in Alcoholics Anonymous being there, it was things like this that helped me to build that faith and that relationship with God that I was telling you about. And um you know, it wasn't Kimberly got out of jail and uh we decided that we were going to try to make it work.

And um you know, my story is not an endorsement for relationships early in sobriety. It's just it just what happened to me. and and Kimberly lived in a homeless shelter when she got out of jail and then she moved into a halfway house and and God what an example of of going to any lengths she was to me and um you know she did whatever she had to do and um you know we we stayed away from each other for that first for the first first year or so.

I mean, we were kind of together, but our home group breaks into four different meetings. And we would go to different meetings and um on the speaker meeting nights on Tuesdays, we didn't sit next to each other. And the meeting was for the meeting.

And we were going to put God and AA first and not Jay and Kim first. And and we've done that our whole um time in sobriety. We've put God and AA first.

Um and it's worked out. It's worked out. you know, we um we rocked along in that first year of sobriety, you know, and I can remember standing in that courtroom and six months sober and facing all those charges, you know, it was time to pay the piper and I was facing some prison time and um and you know, the judge just extended my probation.

Well, man, I'd been on the run from probation for so long, I had like three weeks left and I mean, that was it. I paid him one more little time and probation was over. And you know, I got a driver's license back.

I failed the driving test three times. Not the written test either. Now, the driving three-point turn three times that three-point turn got me.

But, but you know, I got my driver's license back and um I got in this big book and I began to take these steps and um I got to that inventory process and the spark, the fire was lit because I found out why. You know what I found out in the inventory? I found out why I did the things I did.

and I found out that I didn't have to do them anymore. And um you know, Kimberly and I were a year sober and we got married and it was an AA wedding and our families were there and our home groups were there and I can remember um Kimberly's grandfather putting his arm around me and saying, "I couldn't be any prouder of the man that my husband has chose that my granddaughter has chosen to be her husband." one year in Alcoholics Anonymous. A year earlier, my mother had said, "If you come to my house, I'm calling the police." And um you know, we got married and um we celebrated a year sober um all in the same week.

And you know, I celebrated that first AA anniversary and the next day Kimberly and I were in an Old Navy and we were shopping. I got a phone call and um it was that you know his voice was just hysterical on the other end of that line and it was that father I told you I hated and he said son I need you to tell me how you stay sober and um you know I I called I called Sterling I said I said dad needs some help and I need to go out to Kentucky and talk to him and and he said um he said son I know I know this is your father but this is this is another alcoholic and you need to make contact with alcoholics anonymous before you go out there. And I did got a hold of of a guy named Patrick and a guy named Eddie and we hooked up and I went out there to visit dad and he wasn't doing so good.

And um the next time we went out, Kimberly came with me and he still wasn't doing very well. And I we left and I was crying and I said, "God, Kimberly, I feel like there's something more I should be able to do." She said, "Jay, all you can do is love him and be a good example of Alcoholics Anonymous." And um you know I set about trying to do that and you know it wasn't long after that that um Kimberly and I um we had to go to the hospital and uh Kimberly got cut from hip to hip and um all this screaming and they handed me this little boy and um you know I was always taught that I got to um live my way into good thinking. I couldn't think my way into good living and and I'd been taking the actions in Alcoholics Anonymous and I held that little boy and and the and the first thought that came to my mind was this fear of am I going to be a good father?

What am I going to do? And it just went away that fast. See, because you all have taught me to be a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous and if I'll do that, I'll automatically be a good father and I'll be a good husband and I'll be a good son.

And um you know, we rocked along and we got that baby home from the hospital and um I got a phone call and it was my aunt from Kentucky and she said, "I hate to do this to you today." She said, "But your father's in Baptist's hospital with a blood alcohol level of 39 on suicide watch and there's nothing I can do. I got that little baby and I can't go." But you see, because of good sponsorship, I was told to make contact with Alcoholics Anonymous all those months back. And I called Patrick and I said, "Patrick, man, I can't get out there, but Dad's in Baptist East." Patrick said, "Man, I'll go get Ezie visiting hours 6:30 over there." I sponsored a guy who went through that place.

And Patrick went over there for me. And, you know, that taught me right then how big Alcoholics Anonymous was and what this deal is really about. And uh you know, I guess a couple weeks went by and dad called and he said, "You'll never guess what happened.

A couple guys from AA showed up over here the other night and uh and you guys had taught me a little bit a little bit about ego at that point." And I said, "Um, isn't that great how God works in Alcoholics Anonymous?" And that's kind of all I said. And um you know and and dad um dad went through treatment and he got sober and um but Kimberly and I had left the house that day and um I went to the we were just driving around and I was upset and my mom was going through a hard time then and my brother was in that magical wonderland between college and responsibility and my dad's on suicide watch and uh you know and I told Kimberly I just crying and I said I just she said what's the matter with you. And I said, "I just never thought I'd be the most responsible member of my family." And uh and she looked at me with all the seriousness that a wife can look at a husband with.

And she said, "Sweetheart, you're not the most responsible member of your family. I am." And uh and you know, and I need that. I need that from time to time.

And uh but you know um dad got the opportunity to come to Greenville and he got the opportunity to go with me to my home group and he got the opportunity to go home and meet his grandson and um you know we were walking back to the car and he was getting in his car and he stopped for a minute. He turned around looked at me and he said, "Son, I just want you to know that I love you and you're a good example of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you." And um and gosh, I can't I can't tell you what that's meant to me.

And it wasn't long after that that um that I got a phone call from Kentucky and it was dad and he said, "I'm going to be celebrating a year sober in a couple weeks. I'd love for you to come out here and share your story with us." And um we've got to do that at all his anniversaries. So So that's been tremendous.

Um, you know, I've got the opportunity since I've been sober to work with guys and and um to stay on the firing line, Alcoholics Anonymous, and and be active and and work with guys and see their lives change. And um you know, that Alanine mother who our relationship was so strained. Um you know, she's a she's at my house all the time now.

You know, I know there hadn't been a day in five years that she's driven by my house and been scared to knock on the door. not one day. And um you know, I'm in a business now.

I was able to leave that family business and and um and that family business are customers of mine. So I get to deal with her on a work basis and on a motherly basis. And that's that's a struggle sometimes.

But um but you know, I'm able to do that. And uh you know, last December um Kimberly went to the hospital and they cut her again from hip to hip. And this time they handed me a little girl.

And it was my 33rd birthday. And I guess God doesn't want me to forget that little girl's birthday. And uh Kimberly talked the other night and she talked about holding that little girl and looking at her and um and thinking if she ever grew up to be like her, she'd kill her.

And uh and you know, I I was thinking about that if if that little girl grows up to be half the woman her mother is, she'll be lucky. She'll be lucky. I um you know I have the serenity prayer on a little plaque on a little banner that somebody gave me this fancy thing hanging next to my bed and um and Karns asked my my son asked me what it was and I told him it was the serenity prayer and um and he calls it the serenity prayer but but we've gotten to we've gotten to do that and you know he likes to pretend and um sometimes he's Mr.

Clark. Mr. Clark's a guy who cuts my grass.

And I sponsor another guy named Big Todd. Big guy. And and Big Todd parks in front of the house in the same spot every time he comes over to read or go through the book.

And Karns has this little car and sometimes he parks there and gets out and he's Big Todd. And uh Kimberly called me the other day and she said, "You know, your son's in here on the couch on his knees with his hands folded." And I asked him what he was doing. And he said, "I'm daddy.

I'm praying." And uh you know, it's it's such a it's such an amazing ride. It's such an amazing deal to get to see those kids and and to know that um that as long as I stick close to you guys and do what you guys do what you guys do that they don't ever have to see me drink. And um you know, I'm going to tell you a story about an amend I got to make to my grandfather.

And um it was one of the best amends that I that I got to make, the most rewarding. And there was a number of years back where he he's a mayor of he had been the mayor of a little town up outside of Greenville for a number of years. And I got in a lot of trouble in that town one day.

And um you know they took me in in front of this judge and um my grandfather was in there and my grandfather told that judge he said if you'll let him go and you'll let him I'll put him to work and how he'll he'll make rest he'll make this right. Now what I heard was if you let him go he's going to leave town and I'll make it right for him. And and that's what I did.

And um you know it it was a year or so ago and that business that he ran got in some trouble because of some things somebody else did. And um he was in some trouble with the IRS. And you know I was able to there was something that was important very important to him and my grandmother that they thought they were going to lose.

And Kimberly and I were able to to write him a check for it, put it in our name and give it back to him. And and it talks about direct amends. And because I can write a check, I don't think that's direct amends.

I went to him when I handed him that check and we had a long talk and I told him the kind of person I had been and the things that I had done and that I wasn't trying to be that way anymore and that I wanted to I wanted him to have this gift for me for all the things that he had done for our family and for me. And he looked at me with tears in his eyes and he said, "I want you to know that you're one of the only people I can trust. That's what you all have done.

You've given an 87year-old grandfather a grandson he can trust. You've given me a relationship with my mother, a relationship with my father. You've given my brother, a older brother he can look up to.

You've given my children a father and my wife a husband. But I'll tell you the greatest thing Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me and continues to do. You take a guy who hated who he was when he got here and where he been.

And you've taught me and continue to teach me that it took exactly who I was and where I've been to make me what I am tonight. And I tell you, what I am tonight's an alcoholic who's recreating his life right here in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I want to thank you for letting me share it with you.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.