AA Speaker – John K. – Fort Worth, TX – 2006 – Part 1
AA speaker John K. from Fort Worth breaks down Step One and the allergy concept—why real alcoholics lose the power of choice and what powerlessness actually means in recovery.
John K. from Fort Worth, Texas got sober in September 1999 after years of failed attempts, jail time, wrecked cars, and five treatment centers. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through Step One in meticulous detail—what it means to be a real alcoholic, the allergy theory from the doctor’s opinion, and why the mental obsession is the real problem. He spent his early sobriety mimicking recovery without understanding it, until one sponsor sat him down and painted the picture so clearly he had no choice but to surrender.
John K., an AA speaker from Fort Worth, Texas, walks through Step One by explaining the two-part definition: the allergy to alcohol that triggers the obsession to keep drinking, and the mental obsession that tells alcoholics they can control and enjoy drinking when they cannot. He details how real alcoholics differ biologically and mentally from normal drinkers, and why consequences are not the same as unmanageability. The talk emphasizes the Big Book’s precise instructions on recovery and contrasts early AA’s 50% success rate with modern AA’s less than 5% rate, arguing that the difference lies in how the steps are worked—action-based versus meeting-focused.
Episode Summary
John K. doesn’t waste time with his story. He gets straight into the steps, using the Big Book as his text—not as inspiration, but as a workbook with precise instructions. He’s a Big Book thumper, as he says, and that’s exactly how he approaches this talk.
He opens with why he studies the Big Book in the first place. The preface tells you right away: this is a textbook. The foreword says “recovered”—not “recovering”—and it says the purpose of the book is “to show other alcoholics precisely how we recovered.” Precise. Not suggestions. Not hope. Instructions. That’s the frame.
Then he moves into Step One, starting with the doctor’s opinion. Dr. Silkworth worked with over 50,000 alcoholics at Town’s Hospital in New York, and he came up with a theory that became fact: alcoholics have an allergy to alcohol. But not like a penicillin allergy. The phenomenon of craving—that’s what sets a real alcoholic apart. When he takes a drink, his brain says “have another, and another.” A normal drinker stops. An alcoholic can’t.
John K. tells it straight: he’d drink till he passed out and drink again when he came to. That’s the allergy working. The mental obsession is the other part. He can’t stop once he starts. And when he’s not drinking, his mind leads him back to the bottle. That’s why his life is unmanageable—not because of consequences (those pile up, sure), but because he can’t manage the decision to stay away from alcohol on his own power. He’s tried everything: better jobs, better relationships, church, meetings, running five miles a day. None of it works because the obsession is cunning, baffling, and powerful.
He drives this home with his own story. At fifteen, he took his first drink and suddenly fit in. He had that sense of ease and comfort. For years, he chased it. But the allergy kicked in—the obsession to have another and another. He’d overshoot the effect, black out, and do things he never thought he would do. The allergy took him to places he never dreamed of going.
By 1998 and 1999, he was done. In the hospital multiple times, in jail twice, wrecked cars, lost jobs, lost friends. He’d quit his job in the summer of ’99 just to drink himself to death. He walked into his last meeting on a Tuesday in September, three days sober, shaking and vibrating, with no hope. His sponsor—a little old man—sat him down, opened the Big Book, and painted the picture so dark that John K. had no illusions left. The sponsor asked him: “Are you a real alcoholic?” John K. said yes. The sponsor said: “You’re screwed. But it works for me. What do you have to lose except your life?”
That’s when John K. took Steps One and Two in one meeting. He came to two conclusions: he was screwed, and he hoped this worked. That was September 1999. He’s been sober ever since.
The talk also hits on why modern AA isn’t working as well as early AA. Early AA had a 50% success rate—half the people who came and really tried got sober and stayed sober. In 2000, John K. says, less than 5% achieve five years of sobriety. Why? Because back in the day, sponsors would 12-step newcomers in the hospital, take them through the steps as outlined in the Big Book, and those men would recover and help other men. It was action-based. Now it’s meeting-based—sitting around talking about divorces and problems. That’s not a program for the hard-core alcoholic. That’s conversation. The program is the steps, worked with a sponsor, as written in the Big Book.
John K. is funny, direct, and utterly uninterested in sugarcoating the disease. He calls himself a “chronic into-the-line street-level alcoholic of the hopeless variety.” He’s not here to make people feel good. He’s here to paint the picture as dark as it is, so that newcomers understand what they’re dealing with. Because if you don’t understand Step One, nothing else will work.
Notable Quotes
If you’re a real alcoholic, you have an allergic reaction to alcohol. The phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in those other people.
I can’t remember the suffering and humiliation from even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
My little brain is unable to come up with a solution to not drink. I’m unable at certain times to bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation.
The mental obsession condemns an alcoholic left to his own devices to drink to the bitter end. That is the death sentence for an alcoholic.
I walked into that meeting not drinking, but booze still owned me. I wasn’t even drinking and booze still owns me.
You’re screwed. But it works for me. What the hell do you have to lose except your life?
Big Book Study
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Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Big Book Study
- Sponsorship
- Hitting Bottom
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe we hope to always remain an adree podcast so if you’d like to help us remain self-supporting please visit our website at sober-remix than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker my name is John Kelly I’m A Grateful recovered alcoholic and my sobriety date is September the 4th 1999 and for that I am very very grateful and I just saw my sainted mother today and she’s pretty grateful too she likes that CU I sure put that woman through a lot of misery over the years um some might call me fanatical I don’t know some call me a big book dumper but that’s the way I was brought up um I’m not going to tell my story tonight I’m going to get right into the steps but I got sober in in in September of 1999 and that wasn’t my first go round in this Rodeo I started trying to get sober and Alcoholics Anonymous in July of 1988 and I’ve been to literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of meetings all over the state of Texas all over this great country and the Caribbean got piles and piles of Desire chips and in the last five six seven years of my drinking I did not want to drink anymore did not I didn’t want to go to jail anymore I didn’t want to lose any more friends lose any more jobs lose any more freedom lose any more of my dignity and I had I had no Iota what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous was all about see I’m one of these cats that’s pretty hip slick and cool you get me sober for a few days and I can hear what these people say in these meetings and stuff and I can mimic and I can copy and I can come up with my stuff on my own and you’ll be patting me on the behind after that meeting and I tell you I’m doing great and I always got drunk I have no success doing it any other way so we just go right by the book and we are big book Thumpers where I come from so I’m going to just kind of do it like I do when I do these treatment centers but you know I’ve had an alcoholic synonymous book since 1988 and I never read the darn thing you know and I you know I’d read some stuff and it some would make some sense some some of the stuff wouldn’t make any sense and I just didn’t it didn’t ever really sink in it didn’t I didn’t really identify with much I remember the first time I read bill story in 1988 and I’m thinking man that guy really needs to be sober you know I had no concept of what he was talking about cuz I hadn’t done any of that stuff yet you know and I’m sure a lot more happened to Bill in Bill’s life than what what’s in his story but you know when I got sober in ’99 my story made his look like a walk in the park you know I mean I I it was a tedious process to get me to to see what was in this book and and I and I thank God every day that I made it to a group where the people in that group the lights are on you know um I won’t mention the group but my last Home Group before this group I mean I got so many desire chips there I mean they didn’t even clap anymore when I get one and they didn’t have anything thing to offer me either and and um you know I was convinced that I was just going to die drunk and um that’s what I tried to do on SE in in the summer of 99 because I couldn’t stay sober I’ve been in five emergency rooms in about a 10 we period all alcohol related and um I was just resigned of the fact that I was going to drink myself to death and that’s what I tried to do that entire summer drink enough vodka not the good stuff skull pop that little Governor out of the top you know that you can drink it fast and and somehow on Labor Day weekend for that Friday I came to and blood all over me and I hadn’t been stabbed you know and um I had one thought that crowded out all else is I don’t want to die die this way and um I detox myself not too far from here at my brother’s house and and I made it to primary purpose on on that Tuesday of September 99 the first person I saw was this little old man who I had met the year previous about 80 years old I was shaking and vibrating and stunk to holy hell and and um that old man walked up to me and gave me a hug and I looked at him and I said I need to talk to you and he he looked back you know over the top of his glasses like your Grandpa would do when he means business and he says what the hell can I do for you and I said I’m scared and I don’t want to drink anymore and he said come on and we sat down in this little room before the meeting started and this little old man opened up his big book and he he must have done a marvelous do job 12 stepping me cuz it sunk sunk in so we’re going to we’re going to do it the way the old man does it and it was passed on to him like this and this is the way we’re going to roll but if you have a big book you open it up to the title page and it tells you right what this book is about right off the bat it says Alcoholics Anonymous is a story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism I can’t tell you how many treatment centers I’ve been in that tells me I’m always going to be a recovering alcoholic and when I think of that I’m thinking of some sniveling whining I’m always in recovering that offers me no hope that offers me no hope they’re telling me I’m going to recover from alcoholism this is a book on how they did it so let’s see what the book says if you turn past the table of contents to the preface in the second paragraph it says this book has become the basic text for our society this is a textbook what do you do with a textbook we study it right when we got to first grade in math class the the little math teacher passed out math books to everybody unless you were a fraking genius you didn’t go to the end of the book start working big problems did you no we had a teacher who was there to guide each one of us students through the work so that we could learn the principles of mathematics this is a textbook I’m going to refer back to it over and over it’s all marked up notes in the margin Pages falling apart I’m going to study it why on Earth you ask do I study the big book of Alcohol Anonymous if you flip the page it tells you right there for to the first edition this is how we open up our meetings we don’t read how it works that’s granted we we granted that right in the fourth tradition but it says as it was written in 1939 says we of Alcoholic Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered there’s that word again hadn’t even got to the real number Pages yet and they mentioned recovered twice and it says we’ve recovered from a seemingly hopeless State of Mind and Body a hopeless State of Mind here’s my definition back in the day when I was drinking in order for me to get through the day I had to drink no matter what and it was killing me in order for me to live I had to drink but it was killing me that sounds like a conundrum I don’t know I couldn’t live with the booze and I sure as heck couldn’t live without the booze but I had to drink a hopeless State of Mind and Body now here’s another great line it’s probably one of my favorite lines it says to show other alcoholics precisely how we recovered is the purpose of this book so they’re telling me that the textbook of Alcoholics Anonymous is giv you and me precise instructions how to recover from the deadliest illness known to mankind alcoholism alcoholism kills people that ain’t even alcoholics precise what does precise mean means exact no gray area the big book The text book tells us how to take the steps when to take the steps with whom to take the steps there’s Prayers and Promises all along the way Promises of what happens when you follow the directions in the big book and there’s some promises that’ll come true if you don’t follow follow directions in the big book and I have experienced all those promises at one time or another you know but precise telling me to put the plug in The Jug and keep coming back that sounds good they don’t mean me any harm by it but if I could not drink and go to meetings I’d be out there not drinking and going to meetings I have no successful experience in that I’m a chronic into the-line street level alcoholica of the Hopeless variety me sitting around a meeting hearing about your divorce one more time is not is not a program of action for me says for them we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary this is the only book where we have instructions on the steps there’s lots of great books put out by Alcoholics Anonymous I have them all I encourage you to get them all and read them all they’re awesome the 12 and 12 is an awesome book there’s no instructions in the 12 and 12 it’s written by a guy who was 20 years sober at the time that’s like me showing up September the 4th 1999 and my sponsor that night instead of 12 stepping me he told me what his life was like today great how in the heck do you get there from where I’m at that’s why we have this book and if that rubs you the wrong way read page 17 of the 12 and 12 it’ll tell you that this book is where the program of Alcoholics synonymous is says we think this account of our experiences will help everyone to better understand the alcoholic many do not comprehend that the alcoholic is a very sick person so we’re going to have chapters called doctor’s opinion they’re going to explain this illness we’ve got chapter to the wives to uh the family afterward to employers why to let those folks out there know what’s killing us see there their solution for us drinking is totally different than what our solution is you know they get hurt they stop I get hurt oh it wasn’t that bad I keep going you know and it says and besides we’re sure that our way of living has its advantages for all so obviously we get sober Our Lives improve our family’s lives improve we’re better employees we’re better taxpayers y y but since these 12 steps were adopted there’s over like 280 other groups that use the same d 12 steps Cocaine Anonymous Narcotics Anonymous Gamblers Anonymous you name it Anonymous there’s one called messy Anonymous for people that I guess are too messy or not messy I don’t know they’d have a relapse if they came to my house that’s for sure the basic thought on that is the 12 Steps work when applied to whatever is killing you out there right the next part of the book is forward to the second edition written in 1955 it tells about how AA grew how it was started how it grew grew real slow in the first it’s all Word of Mouth Bill met Dr Bob they got Bill Dotson slow slow slow until some articles were written Jack Alexander in particular and AA blew up right and it grew incrementally year after year after year after year until a little bit later on and we’ll get to that in just a second the part I want to work out talk about here is I know I’m doing the steps but I got to get ramped up before while I’m getting there I’m getting there okay but if you look in the four to the second edition on Roman numeral 20 five lines down from the top they give you some statistics now these aren’t empirical statistics they didn’t talk to every single member of Alcoholic Anonymous but they the home office contacted the groups that were in existence at the time and asked them some general questions about their membership this is what they generally found to be true it says of Alcoholics who came to AA and really tried 50% got sober at once and remained that way all right so back in the day early AA half got sober stayed sober it’s pretty darn good real good there’s not a treatment center on this planet that can sniff 50% says out of 25% of those returned As Time passed right so they had 25% out of that other 50% they had to go do some more drinking Knuckleheads like me you know weren’t willing to get a sponsor weren’t willing to help anybody weren’t willing to make amends whatever the case may be weren’t convinced of Step One whatever they went out and did some more drink and 25% of them made it back says out the remainder of those two out of three returned As Time passed there’s groups in existence still today with documentation from way back in the early days that were knocking out 75% 85% all right AA in the year 2000 estimated less than 5% % of the folks coming into Alcoholics Anonymous are going to achieve 5 years of sobriety I don’t know about you but that sucks well how could you go from at least 50% to less than 5% in a matter of 50 years how how can that happen I mean alcohol is alcohol right booze is H 100 proof is a h 100 Proof rotten nagging spouses are still rotten nagging spouses crappy jobs are crappy jobs problems are problems well what changed well I’m going to lay out how it did how it worked back in the day and see if this matches up to your little experience today back in the day we got this guy here we’ll use a guy got this guy here he’s in the hospital detoxin one more time his family has thrown more money at his disease than I mean he’s been on the Dr Phil show he’s been to the best treatment centers and this guy’s in the hospital detoxing dying one more time back in early AA the guys would come visit this cat in the hospital and we sit down with this cat and we tell him our stories we identify him we find out all we can about this young man and then we leave and then we come back the next day and we sit down with this young man again and we go through that same old Spiel one more time find out a little bit more about him we identify with him we tell him our story we tell him what it was like when we were trying to stop drinking and drinking and then we leave and we do this for a couple three three or 4 days this guy’s getting a little more clearheaded while he’s in the hospital we come back to visit him and he knows one thing I drink as much boo or more than he ever dreamed of drinking and he’s dying and I ain’t and he says you’re just like me how do you stay sober now I got him now I get to lay out this program the spiritual program of action I become that man sponsor we go through the steps as outlined in this book this man recovers and now he is helping this man that’s the program of Alcoholics Anonymous folks not once did I say it was sitting around the table talking about our days the IRS any of that stuff I mean if your doctor diagnosed you with cancer you wouldn’t go to a meeting talk about cancer for 90 days would you nope I don’t think so so let’s find out what it means to be a real alcoholic because if we don’t understand step one all the rest aren’t going to make a difference we’re going to go to the doctor’s opinion that this doctor’s opinion was written by William D silkworth worked at Town’s Hospital in New York City a little Hospital right off Central Park in New York worked with over 50,000 of us alcoholics and drug addicts during his tenure at Town’s hospital all right he was an expert on us he loved us but he couldn’t figure out why is it that guy or that gal that comes to his hospital that that’s drinking to excess maybe they’re going through a divorce or maybe they that just they’re going through a period of their life where they’re just drinking way too much and they end up in his hospital and they counsel them they nurse them back to health they give them some hydrotherapy what I don’t know what that I guess that means we’re really clean when we leave there I don’t know what that means they shoot water at us I don’t know but they do all they can and this person’s scared to death that they’re going to lose the rest of their family or they’re standing in society or whatever the case may be and this person leaves the hospital never to return right they learned their lesson and then you got guys like me go to the same Hospital get the same treatment knowing full well when I leave there I cannot so much as take one drink of alcohol or I’m going to lose my job my house my car my kids my freedom my dignity knowing all that and I leave that hospital in High Hopes in a short amount of time I’m right back to drinking man’s been trying to answer that r since booze was invented hell they’ve been praying on us moving us from here to there giving us Hobbies they tried everything finally they just come up with the solution they just lock us up from for it you know so this doctor came up with a theory and when this book came out it was just out of theory if you can ever get a hold of a first edition you’ll notice he don’t even sign his name in the first edition right it’s just Anonymous doctor I think or I’ve seen it but I don’t I don’t remember what it says since then science has proven his theory to be 100% accurate step one says we admitted we are powerless over alcohol now a completely different thought a hyphen that our lives have become unmanageable all right so let’s what the do let’s see what the doctor says he says we believe and so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy right so he’s saying if you’re a real alcoholic a chronic alcoholic your body reacts differently to booze than 90% of the world’s population they estimate about one in 10 of us have what it takes to be an alcoholic right an allergy an allergy is just an abnormal reaction to something you eat or drink who’s allergic to penicillin in here always Susanna what’s up what happens when you have um right and I’ve heard I asked that to a lady a couple days ago and she says I die and like she went straight past the hives and throwing up and throat con straight into to die you know she just had to flare for the dramatic see is that a that odd if I get an infection or something like that I can go to my doctor he gives me penicillin and it cures me it fixes me Susanna can get this very same infection and go to her doctor and they give her penicillin and she swells up you know throat constricts has a hard time breathing and and maybe if they gave her enough P penicillin she would die right she has the allergic reaction right um that’s just the way she is that’s the way I am doesn’t matter he’s saying if you’re an alcoholic you have an allergic reaction to alcohol right and he says that the phen this is how the allerg I don’t break out into like hives and I’ve broken into some stuff on alcohol but I hadn’t breaken out anything but um this this is this is what I got Dino in the back I like making him laugh you know um this is what the allergy does in a real alcoholic he says that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in those other people the phenomenon of craving it’s one of the things that sets me apart those normal drinkers are those hard drinkers see I get the thought in my head I’m going to take a drink and I take the drink and I trigger this out is there anything that she can do other than getting an antihistamine or something or you know whatever they do to counteract is if she takes penicillin once she takes it she’s going to have the reaction right there’s nothing she can do except go to the doctor and get a get the antidote or whatever right I take a drink of alcohol I trigger this allergy bam my brain says let’s have another and another and another and it was just my intention you know it’s Friday night I just got paid my boss’s birthday and everybody’s going to a little pool hall to to sing Happy Birthday to my boss right and I call my girlfriend and she says hey I’m making your special dinner and I have the Wonder Woman costume all lined up right it’ll be ready at 8:00 you know and I’m like it’s my boss’s birthday I I’ll be home by 8 right and it’s my intentions I I love the Wonder Woman costume you know it’s my intentions but I get to this place everybody’s having a good time and I take that first drink and Bam I trigger that allergy now my brain says I’ll have another and another now I’m doing shots now I’m at a bar where the girls don’t have any clothes on now I’m here now I’m there who knows when I make it home right the phenomenon of craving see it happens to alcoholics it don’t happen to those other people I mean did you ever get to a point where you said no I I I’m too drunk tonight I didn’t I didn’t utter those words I drank till I passed out and I drank as soon as I came too that’s how I do the this thing right I’m powerless I’ve lost control once I start I cannot control how much I drink right that makes sense it’s my job in the beginning when I sit down with a newcomer to lay this out and it ain’t my job to Pat him on the behind and tell him I’m going to love him in the sobriety my job is to paint the picture and I’m going to paint the picture as dark as I can why because that’s my experience I drink I can’t control how much I drink if this was my only problem because I know there’s been many many times where I woke up after one of those bad nights and I thought this has got to stop I’ve drank too much again I’ve just got to stop because I think alcohol is the problem well if this was the problem what would be my solution don’t drink makes perfect sense to a normal person oh you drink too much so don’t drink well that doesn’t work out for me why because of the second half of Step One my life is unmanageable why is that because my mind always leads me back to the drink always it always leads me back to the drink I’ll read the rest of this paragraph here it says these allergic types can and the reason I read this because I remember in one like my first or treatment center and I still have the big book cuz I have in mind here you know powerless and all this stuff you know all my little notes and everything but on this one particular big book that I got this treatment center this part that I’m going to read to you they that they told me that’s why my life is unmanageable right so I’m going to read what they say it says these allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all once having formed to have it found they can’t break it once having lost their self-confidence their Reliance upon things human their problems pile up on them they become astonishingly difficult to solve and I’m just listening to what they said and they said that’s why your life’s IM manageable made perfect sense to me right no that’s not the right answer those are consequences hell you drink from the time you get up till the time you pass out life becomes increasingly difficult to handle problems pile up those are consequences has nothing to do with why my life’s unmanageable second half of Step One the reason my life is unmanageable to save my life to keep that job to keep my freedom to keep my girlfriend to keep my kids I am I am unable to manage the decision to stay away from the drink cannot do it on my own power I’ve tried it over and over and over that is why my life has become unmanageable has nothing to do with those consequences nothing the circumstances of my life don’t make me an alcoholic down at the bottom of that page they say men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol it’s a pretty true statement let’s make it a real true statement alcoholic men and women drink essentially because we love the effect produced by alcohol I mean come on did you don’t tell me you just drank just for the taste I’ve drank some nasty stuff in my day including rubbing alcohol hey if you’re stuck out in the country and you ain’t got no wheels and all they got is rubbing alcohol and you need a drink you’ll drink it or I did at least I don’t I don’t recommend that to anyone I hear you can go blind or whatever I don’t know I was in Iceland you should see the stuff they drink o anyway I want the effect I mean think see I went through life before I ever took a drink I didn’t know this until you know now that I’m sober and all that stuff looking back reflecting upon my life but I needed a drink long before I had a drink I needed a drink my girlfriend had it right she drank when when she was eight you know she held out as long as she could man she needed a drink when she was eight you know I held out till I was 15 right but see you know I’m the first kid there’s two sets of twins behind me I’m the first grandkid Granddad was pretty well off in West Texas I had the best shoes the best clothes my family love me there’s no alcohol in my direct family I had everything looking for uh you know the future looked bright I played every sport I was great at every sport I made great grades you know what I’m saying everybody Pat me on the butt telling me how great I’m going to be when I grow up you know and I dreamed I was going to go to UT and and be a lawyer like my uncle and and work at his Law Firm I’d be retired by now you know except I had this little voice in my head you’re telling me I’m great but I had the little voice in my head going you’re a freaking loser you know what I’m saying was like we moved around a lot I was self-conscious I was real shy I’d meet some friends and then we mov right I had but I had that little voice in my head you know I walk into this room and I think you’re all staring at me what did I do I just I just didn’t fit the twins below me they bond and you know I’m just I don’t fit until I was 15 at tennis camp in Florida and I took my first drink and then I fit all the dots were connected the keys to the universe were in my possession those chicks that I was with they wanted me you know what I’m saying I was hip slick and cool you know I want that effect I want that effect right it says this sensation is so elusive see I had that effect for years and years and years until the tables turned and I couldn’t quite keep that effect oh I just drink right on past it it was fleeting you know what I’m saying I don’t know if it was the third drink or the fifth Martini or whatever but I’d get that effect but I’ve already triggered the and I’m gone I overshoot the effect over and over the sensation is elusive you know it’s like trying to catch a a a greased up balloon or a pig or something just elusive I can’t I can’t just get to that sense of ease and comfort and stop why because I got this allergy telling me to drink another and another and another it says that while they admit it is injurious oh I got some injuries now the injuries don’t make me an holic but I got plenty of injuries oh I’ve been to jails only two times I’ve been to jail twice I mean it’s not like I’m a hardened veteran you know of jail I can’t I can’t stand up here and like oh I could do jail time standing on my head you know that’s nothing I’ve wrecked cars most of the wrecks that I’ve had in cars were not my cars they were your cars you know I was always driving them been to five treatment centers I don’t know how many hospitals I don’t know how many friends I’ve lost how many great jobs I’ve lost family members I’ve lost how about dignity I lost some dignity too alcohol took me to places I never dreamed I go took me with people I never dream hell I’d go home with Bo Dereck wake up with Bo didley you know I’ve used that joke for like six years now and it’s always gets a laugh um but yeah I had some injuries I mean that’s the truth I leave this I leave this building today and I go have a drink that stuff starts to happen in in a hurry I mean before a little bit before I got sober I left one day before I’d ever had a drink had a little like two months of sobriety and I left this little halfway house all I was going to do is look for an apartment and I ended up in in in jail with a felony possession pi and kicking a cop in the chest who was trying to pull me out of a cap I mean that’s that’s how my that’s where my drinking took me to right that’s the truth about my drinking but what does my brain tell me it’s not that bad just a little bad luck I I had bad luck for the 90s you know it was all bad everything was bad I had a psychiatrist when I was like 19 years old was telling me you know list all the bad things in your life and even at 19 all the bad things that I considered bad in my life were all the direct result as alcohol I drank 17 more years you know a tedious process he says to them well I’m going to hold my finger on that page I’m going to go to see I’m going to give you the bad news of Step One you go over here to there’s a solution page 24 it’s in italics this is the bad news of step one says the fact is that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure have lost the power of choice and drink they’re saying if you’re a real alcoholic you ain’t got no choice in the matter you’re going to it’s not it’s not a matter of if you’re going to drink it’s when you’re going to drink it says our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent now here’s the tricky part this is the part we I like to Ram home all the time in Little treatment centers because this is the part that I never understood it says we’re unable at certain times to bring into our Consciousness with sufficient Force the memory of the suffering and humil ation of even a week or a month ago we are without defense against the first drink welcome to your life being unmanageable they’re saying that the day that I take my last drink within a certain amount of time and it varies for me my life unravels quickly when I’m not drinking so the time frame is very very short but they’re saying the day I take that last drink I get removed from that last drink my little brain is unable to come up with a solution to not drink I can’t remember it well let’s do a little test close your eyes and think of the worst most painful degrading experience you had as a direct result of drinking that so what were you doing 24 48 hours later oh drinking is’t that amazing amazing first time I got thrown in jail God I prayed all day long and I had I’d been kind of 12 stepped a little bit and I kind of knew a little bit more than I had done in previous times and I’m praying all day long and loose there God if you’ll get me out of this I’ll do anything I’ll call Frank back I’ll I’ll get the best lawyer I can get and I’ll get out of this and I’ll go back to my meetings and you know and I’m just praying all day long and I’m in bad shape bad bad shape shaking it out and I mean it’s horrible my little boss at the time bonded me out that day was on a I got thrown in jail on Sunday night sometime I bonded out Monday evening and I’m walking out Loose St and I’m putting my watch on my wrist and my watch says 8:47 and I ran across the street and bought me another bottle of vodka you think that I walked into the the liquor store and put that b bodka up there and said hey I just got the hell kicked out of me and I got a felony possession a pi kicking a cop in the chest give me another bottle of this stuff man no but I had had to drink I drank no matter what see left to my own devices I’m unable to manage the decision to stay away from booze I’ve lost the power to choose those are the only two questions you need to answer in your little heart of hearts for step one I know they’ve got little pamphlets that say 20 questions or 40 questions hey if you answer those two questions you’re going to answer all the rest of those other questions I think I don’t know I’ve answered them all hell drink in the morning good night you I mean you name it lost jobs lost I mean come up with a 100 questions they’re all going to be checked true true true it doesn’t matter I’ve lost the power to control it I’ve lost the power to choose welcome to step one but let’s look what bill says more about step one go over to page 30 and I love the way he writes this is why we do a big book study all the time in my group why so we can learn what’s in here look what he says he says most of us have been unwilling to admit we real alcoholics see when I was in college I’d be proud to tell you I was an alcoholic why because it was fun I drank better than most people I didn’t get sloppy back then I didn’t slur my words I could drive better dance better you name it man it was good I was proud of it but it towards the end now I’m hiding booze and I lived alone go figure I mean I don’t know don’t know what I was thinking we cleaned up my apartment when I sobered up there was you know y’all been through it there was booze everywhere all right I didn’t want to admit that I was a real alcoholic see I I went through like most of the 90s trying to still prove that you were the reason why I was an alcoholic that’s why I moved to Puerto Rico drunker and you know what I just had to get away from Dallas tried to blame it on my family for a while trying to wish upon I mean I’m not making Li to this but wishing that I was like you know abused as a kid that that must be why I must have been abused as a kid that’s why I’m an alcoholic you know I didn’t want to admit I was a real alcoholic says no person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows bodily different from the allergy mentally different because I have a mind that leads me to the drink see my mental obsession is subtle they call it cunning baffling powerful see I go to the little meeting get a desire ch and and and and make a go at AA and I they tell me to keep coming back they tell me to go to 90 means in 90 days I do that and because I’m an alcoholic I think well I’ll do that and and and I’ll join the I’ll even join the sober softball team you know and I’ll get some Tony Robbins books and I’ll start running five miles a day doing push-ups doing good deeds for my mama you know you see me at a meeting I tell you you ask me how I’m doing I tell you I’m doing great doing great feel better sleep better everything is great God is wonderful right but inside it ain’t that great CU I’m like an actor see little by slowly I’m unraveling on the inside maybe somebody in my group tells me man maybe you just need to double up on your meeting okay maybe you just need to make out of gratitud live oh okay the days go by and I unravel a little bit more a little bit more a little bit more and I don’t like feeling that way start feeling a little self-pity start feeling some fear start feeling that that feeling of uselessness why me you know but you ask me how I’m doing I tell you I’m doing good see I feel that way long enough that spirit spiritual malady I feel that way long enough I don’t like feeling that way my little mind says I don’t know why the world treats you so poorly you’re a good guy you look a little stressed John Kelly stress is very very dangerous I’m here to help you I love you it’ll be different this time what you and I need to do is we need to go on down to Centennial and just get us a little Pine of vodka I know you’re an alcoholic synonymous this is just between me and you no one will know that’s the mental Obsession and that is the death sentence for an alcoholic because the mental Obsession condemns an alcoholic left to his own devices to drink to The Bitter End tells me when I work with others to stress the hopelessness of the situation so I hope I’m doing a good job says therefore is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove that we could drink like other people I bet there’s some provs in this room trying to prove hoping against all hope that the previous 1,000 experiences of of my drinking tonight I’m going to be a miracle of control tonight I’m just going to have a couple enjoy the evening and call it a night I’m going to prove maybe I’ll I’m not going to drink tequila I I’m a vodka and rumel men’s type of person you know the higher the proof the better for me you know so I’m not going to do that I’m just going to drink beer I swell up you know to prove that now here we go the idea that somehow someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great Obsession of every abnormal Drinker see my brain tells me that I can control and enjoy it now I don’t know about you if you if if I ever tried to control it I sure as heck wasn’t enjoying it anybody ever tried to control your drinks for you I went to a party with a girl one time and and it was like a cash bar at this party and so I gave her my money right and so she was buying the drinks and she was cuz we had had some run-ins you know so she’s buying the drinks right after the first couple of drinks I’m trying to figure out a way that I can kill her so I can get my money back you know cuz I was not having a good time and we ended up having to leave that place I can’t control and enjoy it and if I’m enjoying I sure he ain’t controlling it right but my mind I mean think about it think not not this time I know you’re all big book Thumpers in here and everybody’s rocking and rolling but think back to one of those other times when you swore you’re never going to do it again right you were given sufficient reason right maybe it was a job maybe it was the relationship maybe it was just you looking in the mirror and you swore you were never ever going to do it again right maybe you went to church more maybe you did more Good Deeds maybe you went to AA right but you didn’t drink my question is is how free were you cuz if you were like me I wasn’t even drinking but you know what I was thinking about not drinking I ain’t even drinking back then and booze still owns me hell they’re telling me to to stay away from my Playmates play things the mental obsession is a killer they call it an obsession and look at this next one the Persistence of this illusion what’s the illusion that I can control and enjoy it that I can drink like a gentleman that I can drink like a normal person that is an illusion well what what’s an illusion if I turn this book into a parakeet did I really do it or did I trick you that’s what an Illusionist does he makes us see things that aren’t there my illusion back in the day was that somehow I’ll be able to drink normally I have no exper although I have no experience drinking normally never done that got drunk the first time out and damn near every time thereafter but my illusion is that I can drink normally the Persistence of this illusion is astonishing many pursue it to the gates of insanity or death I don’t know about y’all when I started drinking but going insane from it or dying from it were not on the horizon but that’s where alcoholism took me too you know that’s just the ugly truth it says we had to learn we we we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics this is the first step I got to concede in my heart of hearts right no lurking notion in my group we call it the Holy Trinity I know there’s a real Holy Trinity so I don’t mean to be Blasphemous but or we’ll just call it the Trinity the alcoholics Trinity right the job the car and the girl if I can just get the job the car and the girl my life will be okay see I was under that illusion a long time too that if I can get these external circumstances in my life situated I wouldn’t drink that’s not a step one if you can get sober that way more power to you my hats off to you I cannot do that I have no experience doing that I just had a I had a talk with a treatment center in Dallas the other day and that’s what they’re telling these guys you don’t need to work the steps right now you need to get your job situation squared away and get this stuff you know that’s pretty scary folks you know I’m thankful that we get to go carry the message there but good God that’s a that’s a real uphill battle because I’m telling the exact opposite the big book is telling the exact opposite you know I got to know in my heart of heart that I am a in fact an alcoholic you know I got to know here I knew up here for a long time but see I could never I could never admit that I was was a real alcoholic cuz I didn’t know what a real alcoholic was you I finally I I thank God I started going to jail started having some more car wre and start end up in hospitals I’ve gone through DT twice you know I’ve had some seizure seizures you know so in some people’s eyes oh you’re an alcoholic right I still was drinking I mean Bill Bill puts it real good in his story no words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity quicksand stretched around me in all directions uh I lost my I had met my match I was overwhelmed alcohol was my master that was like all that’s that’s how I felt 1998 1999 I had no other option except to drink you know drink for the end drink for the end cuz I was convinced because of what I was told what I thought I knew about this program I was convinced that I didn’t have a shot I was convinced I I remember the day I don’t know what day it was cuz these days were I kind of blackout among blackout but I remember this one little conversation I had with my boss and I quit this job it’s kind of towards the tail end of summer of 99 cuz I’d call he he got this guy was kind of irrational he got kind of pissed off at me cuz I called in sick on Monday and then Tuesday and I was calling in sick on Wednesday and it’s like the 50th time I’ve done that so he got a little upset with me it’s kind of unreasonable but anyway so I I I fired myself and and and started drinking real heavily you know just to try to die and I just remember thinking to myself you know God I’m not mad at you I’m not pissed off I’m just going to be one of these guys that’s going to have to die drunk and I’m okay with that but please make it hurry I felt just like Bill did on page eight that I just read just in that morass of self-pity that morass of self- involvement that morass you know that’s how I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous stinking vibrating shaking not a hope in the I don’t there must have been a little angel with me that day cuz that Tuesday that I got my last desire chip was a long day long day I’m three days after my last drink I can barely walk my brother drops me off at my place in Oak Cliff he went through and we got all the bottles that we could find and threw them away and I’m supposed to go to our meeting that night and I had a sponsor another sponsor at the time and he called me he’ called me a couple times during the day you going to make it tonight I’m I’m going to make it I’m going to make it now I’m not telling that my brain is saying drink got $22 to my name I believe 22 23 something like that all I had and my brain is telling me to drink and he calls me at 5:00 or 5:30 that day and says look my wife is giving birth I’m not going to be there tonight so you talk to Cliff I said okay somehow I made it there and I already told you he gave me a hug and we went to a little side room before the meeting started and he sat me down before that meeting started and he blew my mind on alcoholism he Disturbed me greatly about alcoholism he gave me a good case of alcoholism why cuz he’s been he’s recovered and been given the power to help me he drank as much booze as I ever did and I was the one dying and he’s not he was free you could see it in his little eyes the little Sparkle in his eye the twinkle in his eye this guy had the power and he painted me into a corner and then he asked me the question are you a real alcoholic and I’m crying and snotting all over over myself and I’m yes sir I am and he said John Kelly you’re screwed he used another word for screw you I’ll let you use your own imagination and I’d thought that for years about my own situation but for the first time in my life that sunk home I’m going to die drunk he tells me that and then he looks at me he says do you think it works for me and I said I know it works for you he says well how well is your way working and I said it’s not he says what the hell do you have to lose except your life and that’s when he informed me that he was now my sponsor and I was going to call him when he told me to call him I was going to read what he told me to read I was going to show up where he told me to show up and we were going to take these steps the way it’s outlined in this book or else and the or else for my answer is go away don’t waste my time that’s that’s my last entrance to Alcoholics Anonymous I’ll I’ll finish up there next week but and I’ll end it here tonight but all I did in that little meeting that little brief meeting with that old man is I took steps one and two I came to two conclusions I’m screwed and I hope welcome to steps one and two and I’ll go into step two more detail that’s it I mean people all the time that are telling me well I’m still working on step two I’ve been been working on step two for like a year what’s there to work on you hope it works or it don’t you know I mean you know I mean anyway so it’s very very good to be here um I had a great time when I was here in the summer and I spoke um I don’t know I I remember a lot of your faces and and I I just want to thank you cuz I mean I love seeing all of your smiles I mean if if any of you go to other groups I mean sometimes it’s like speaking to a hostile environment you know and I and I love you people and I and I’ve told I’ve told everybody I can tell about you know if they’re ever in Fort Worth to come by here because I was treated so nicely the last time I was here and so far tonight so don’t screw it up okay thank you for having me thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day