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My name is John Kelly. I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic. And my sobriety date is September the 4th, 1999.

And for that, I'm very grateful. And I don't wear sweaters like this. And I'm feeling creeped out already, man.

If I could have come in sweats, I would have. All right, I got a whole I got scared. I kind of missed a part of the announcements when you were doing like the birthday night and I'm thinking what birthday night was Saturday and is next Saturday night?

It means I got to go through 4 through 12 tonight. And I was thinking, woo. But they said it's Sunday, so I'm cool.

All right, we're still going to cover a lot of ground. Um, you know, I I try to thank God every day. hopefully as soon as I wake up.

But many times throughout the day, I try to thank God for the people that he's put in my life. And and I'm just very grateful that they were there in my life when I came back in September the 4th of 99 cuz that was my last shot. I I and I totally believe that.

And I don't I don't just give that lip service thinking, hell, we all got another drunkenness. I I just don't think I got another sobering up in me. I'm at the end game of alcoholism and thank God I made it to some place where the lights were on.

You know what I'm saying? Somebody who knew the solution and somebody who wasn't wasn't afraid to hurt my little feelings and put me to work. And that's what he's done.

And and with him and God and this these steps, I've I've been sober since then. And I I really dig that. I left off at the third step last week and I'm just going to dive right into it because I'm going to try to go blow through nine step nine tonight.

So, it's pretty cool. I got I got my last desire chip on on a Tuesday, September the 4th, right? I said a little prayer when I got home following the directions of my sponsor.

And I knew that that night and it was it was a kind of a weird feeling cuz you know those three days after my last drink of me getting to that desire chip night, it was brutal three days. My mind is screaming for me to drink. I'm shaking.

I'm vibrating. I cannot hold down any food. I'm in bad physical shape.

It's It's horrible. But he said he told me to say just get home and tell God thanks that I got one more shot. And I did that and I had this curious feeling and I mentioned it last week.

I had this feeling deep down within me. I don't ever have to drink again. And I read page 46 and it says, "As soon as we're able to lay aside prejudice, express even a willingness to believe we're going to get results." And a couple days had gone by from that last desire chip.

and I go to my sponsor's house and I meet with him and and we we go over this this basic stuff again one more time. Make sure there's no questions. Make sure there's no nothing.

Make sure all the cards are on the table. And he asked me if I'm willing to go to any length to get what he's got. And I said, "Yes, sir, I am." And he says, "Well, we'll see about that." And we went off and got nailed down on our knees and we did a third-step prayer.

And um and my third step prayer was simple. I said, "You know, God, I've tried to get sober since 1988. I'm scared and I don't want to die drunk.

Please help me. I need your help. You know, please give me the willingness to do whatever I have to do to get what's in this book.

Amen. And my sponsor said, "Stand up." I thought I screwed up cuz we weren't reading it out of the book. And I stood up and he gave me a hug and he looked at looked at me over the top of his little glasses and says points right at me.

He says, "You just did the third step prayer. I voiced it without reservation. There was no more lurking notion." I think Dr.

Silkworth, if you read Not God, I think he calls it um deflation at depths. There was no more bargaining chips. The job, the car, the girl, the the Holy Trinity for me as an alcoholic were not going to fix me.

And I felt a lot. I felt, you know, now I got a purpose, right? I got a purpose.

And we left off at those those promises on the top of page 63, right? And it's going to it says, I'm going to see what I can contribute to life. And my sponsor says there's a there's a there's a job description in there for you and it says your job is to stay close to God and perform his work well.

And I've since added that on to it. My job today, even since then, today and hopefully till the day I die is my job today to stay close to God, do this work no matter what today. And I'm going to get everything I need.

And I'm feeling pretty good at that point. But I got a whole bunch of stuff blocking me from this power. And so I got to do an inventory.

And the big book is very the program of alcoholics. I mean, you would you wouldn't know it from all the discussion meetings I went to all the years, but the program of alcoholics is very specific on when you're supposed to start your fourth step. It says next.

Look what it says at the bottom of 63. It says next we launch on a course of vigorous action. Now that's pretty specific.

Not next month, not next week, not when you get your job, your car, your car, you know, your girl back. It says next. I've got to find out what's blocking me from the power.

My actions today show God how willing I am not to pick up a drink. Done a lot of those one, two, 3es. Get a little good feeling.

Keep going to meetings, meetings, meetings, meetings, meetings. And slowly but little by slowly, that wears off and I go back to drinking. Now they're telling me to take some action.

Says we launch on a course of vigorous actions. The first step of which is a personal house killing which many of us had never attempted. Now here's some more great words.

Though our decision was a vital necessary for life. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things which have been blocking us from that power. So they tell us precisely when you start your fourth step next at once a vigorous effort, you know, and it's a sad state.

It's a sad state in Alcoholics Anonymous today when a newcomer says they're doing a forep in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and all of a sudden we start talking around our little tables. And I'm not saying y'all do it. I know we don't do it, but I've heard it in the past.

It's like this forep is this big ugly monster. You know, I might as well have like a cat turd on my head. Everybody's staying away from me.

This guy's doing a forep, man. Oh my god. It's like there's some big ugly monster that's in a closet, right?

It's a list. My god. It's a list.

I mean, where do we get off scaring the newcomer? It is a list. I've and I've and I've seen some fourstep manuals.

I've seen some that are like 36 pages. 63 pages of questions. My god, I'm glad my sponsor didn't give me that.

Gave me 63 pages of questions to answer. I'm drinking. I wouldn't have made it.

I wouldn't have made it. But inside this book, inside these precise instructions, they're going to tell us exactly how to do a fourep. And it says, "Therefore, we started on a upon a personal inventory." This is step four.

And then he goes on to use a business analogy, right? A business that takes no inventory goes broke. If I have a little corner, you know, 7-Eleven or whatever, and every Monday morning is, you know, inventory day, and every Monday morning I come and look at my shelves and I look up back on the shelves, I say, "Whoop, I got bread.

Don't need to order bread." Right? Cuz they're telling me, it says, "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory." Right? And here he calls it taking commercial inventories a factf finding searching and a fact-f facing fearless proposition.

Right? So I come in I come in every Monday for the next three weeks and every three you know every Monday I look no bread no bread no bread. Pretty soon you guys don't you stop coming to my car cuz what do I got on the shelves?

I got a chemistry experiment. I got a bag full of mold. Right.

Well I did the first part. I counted the bread, but I wasn't, you know, that bread was expensive. I didn't want to get rid of that bread.

You know, I paid so much for the bread. I'm proud of the bread. You know, y'all ain't buying it cuz it's full of mold, right?

That's what they're telling us here, right? It says the one object is to disclose damage and our unsellable goods to get rid of them promptly and without regret. All right?

So, it says we did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure.

Being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestation. Right? And I got to read this next little part and then I'll I'll vamp a little bit.

But I love this. Right? And I'll tell you why.

It says, "Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease.

For now, this is important stuff right here. For we've not only been mentally and physically ill, the allergy, the mental obsession, we've been spiritually sick. Now, here's the hook.

Here's the promise. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. Did you catch that?

When the spiritual mal that's a recovered alcoholic. That's the formula for a recovered alcoholic right there. Don't let anybody tell you there ain't no such thing as a recovered alcoholic.

Because when the spiritual mal is overcome, guess what? By taking these steps later on in the book, the mental obsession has been removed. It does not exist.

And if I don't have the mental obsession leading me to the drink, it doesn't matter if I got an allergy to alcohol. I ain't drinking. I ain't thinking about not drinking.

It has been removed. It does not exist. That's awesome.

So now they're going to give us some specific instructions. says, 'In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper, right? So, the first thing I'm going to do in my, you know, my sponsor has these little sheets, right?

And I don't I don't ever bring these when I talk, but we got these little sheets. It's like a template. It's a tool.

That's the way I pitch it to my guys. This ain't the be all end all. This is a tool that we're going to use to do your fourth step, and it's got all the instructions from the big book on the top of that page.

Right? So, the first thing we're going to do with resentments. So, I'm going to list the peoples, the the principles, and the institutions with whom I'm angry.

We got to think about what a resentment is. A resentment, it's pretty easy to say, I mean, I guess we could cop out and say, "Well, who you mad at?" You know, that's kind of what my sponsor sponsor did to him, but um goes a little deeper than that. It's like instant replay.

You know, I have a breakup with this girlfriend like in 1987, right? And 10 years later, I'm driving down the road, things aren't going really well, my puppy's sick, and I didn't get the job promotion that I wanted, and I hear our song right on the radio. Immediately go back to 10 years ago when she was cheating on me or whatever the case may be, and I instantly I refill, rethink, replay, and I want to kill her, right?

And it just eats my lunch. That's a resentment. Now, you cut me off in traffic, I may get pissed off at you, but as soon as you leave, we think about you again, right?

That's not that's not what they're talking about. It's what is the stuff that we've been another way to cop out on it and say, "Hey, if you got drunk, you tell me what your resentments were." You know what I mean? If we're drunk at a bar, we'll I'll let I'll tell you all about it.

It's the stuff that I'm lugging around day after day, year after year, right? That stuff owns me. owns me.

I mean, these type whether it's real or whether it's fancied, the big book says. And a lot of my stuff was fancied. It didn't even happen.

I just thought it happened to me. Right? That stuff owns me.

Owns me. So, it says we asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases, we found it was our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, ambitions, personal relationships, including sex, which were hurt.

So, we're going to make a little list. So, my sponsor's directions are this. It's real easy.

I'm going to sit down with my pen and my paper, right? And I'm going to say a little prayer. God, here I am.

I'm getting ready to start on my fourth step. First of which is my resentments. Please help me.

And then column one, I'm going to list all the things that I'm resentful towards. It's a pretty simple list to make. You know, I was resentful against my mama, my dad, my brothers, my sister.

Now, we're not doing this like we read left to right. We're going from top to bottom. And I'm going to make that list.

There was always Janette. There's a few of those, right? And there's a few business partners.

There's a few things and I listed those those things. It's pretty simple so far. Next thing I did, I told God, "Thanks." Right?

Then I go up to the top of that list. And beside each name, I get to write a little note to myself why I got that resentment. That's even an easier list cuz I know why I'm pissed off at Debbie.

I know why I was pissed off at my mama. So, I make a little note. And we don't have on these little sheets that my sponsor that I give out too.

There's not a whole heck of a lot of room. Now, I've been in treatment centers. I've been with other sponsors and we were writing life stories.

First four step I ever did was like 103 pages or something. It was it was sad. I just read that book again.

It's called a million little pieces. It's the same damn thing as my forep. You know, same stuff.

Who who hasn't woke up on a plane not knowing how they got there and they're all bleeding? I mean, come on, right? Stuff happens all the time, right?

So, so beside each of those names, I write, you know, I was mad at my mom cuz she didn't bail me out this last time. make a little note, you know, and I tell my guys, look, if it's something that's really eating your lunch and you feel that you got to go back to on June the 10th, it was a starry night and and write it out in detail, write it out. But we're going to go by this template when we do your fifth step, right?

So, we got it. So, I write down all that stuff. Now, besides the column one, the column two, now besides each one of those people, I'm going to say, what does it affect in my life?

Did it affect my did what they did to me did it affect my self-esteem, my personal ambitions, my pocketbook, my pride? Did some fear was some fear involved? And I make a little note.

This is the stuff that's owned me for years and years and years. Now, there's also a fourth column, the hidden fourth column, because Bill didn't write it in the I mean, it's written in the book, but he didn't, you know, detail it. The page wasn't wide enough.

I don't think this three three columns fit great on this page. The fourth column would have it would have looked stupid, I guess. I don't know.

But but you look at some of the stuff that he writes about in this in in the in the forepse instructions, you know, he's talking about we have to be free of anger, right? Well, here we go. It's plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.

To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile? How much time did I squander? The reason I always bring up Debbie is not that she really did anything really bad to me because it's kind of a joke at Primary Purpose cuz when I was in treatment the last time at Homerbound, one of my buddies, Kurt Kurt Canitz, that's all I could talk about in that treatment center was I got to get Debbie back.

I got, you know, and so it just kind of stuck. I say that say that chick's name. She didn't really do anything to me.

I was a bum man, you know. But it just kind of stuck, you know. But how much time how much time did I squander, right?

Going back to all those things, those missed opportunities, those missed relationships, those squandered jobs, all those things that I just life was passing me by. And I'm stuck. I'm like Uncle Rico and Napoleon Dynamite.

I'm stuck back in the 80s, man. You know, it's pretty sad. I sponsor a couple of guys I can quote more from Napoleon Dynamite than they can from the big book.

You know, what are you going to do? Right? But I love the way he writes and it says, "But with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave." He could have said, "It's bad." But he paints a picture when he writes and he says, "This business of resentment is infinitely grave.

We found that it is fatal because my resentments are going to kill me." My aunt, who's long since passed away, but she was in the in the program, she always said it was kind of like, she goes, "John, it's kind of like you're a dump. We're dump trucks and every day we keep piling that stuff in the back of the dump truck and we but we never go get rid of it." He goes, "One of these days you're going to be on 635. It's going to be in the middle of the summer.

or you ain't got no AC and the dump truck's going to break down and you're there with a stinking pile of S. You know, says, "For when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit." If I'm hating on you and I'm harboring and it's festering in my mind, where's God? He ain't there.

The insanity of alcohol returns. We drink again with us to drink to die. Sounds pretty specific to me.

It says we're free to live with the we had to be free of anger. Oh my gosh. All right.

Fast forward. All right. So, I'm going to get all this stuff down on paper.

Right. I'm going to do that with my resentments. I'm going to do the same thing with my fears.

What fears do I have? You saw me in treatment in 1998. I would have told you I got no fears.

You obviously hadn't been rolling with me because I ain't afraid of nothing. That's what I would have told you. That's the way I thought I felt.

Right. But being honest, in all actuality, I was afraid of everything. See, how do I react when I get afraid?

A lot of times I react in anger. Got to be tough, right? Got to be brave.

When in actuality, I'm I'm scared little kid. You know, I was afraid of relationships, afraid of being successful, afraid of not being successful, fear of having money, not having money, fear of staying sober, fear of not staying sober, fear of you, fear of everything. That's that's what I was left to my own devices.

My sponsor, my fist, showed me a nice little trick on fear, and we'll get to that in a minute. Now, I'm going to go do So, I'm going to get all those on paper. What do they affect?

do all the same stuff. Now, I'm going to do my sex con my sex conduct. And it ain't this ain't a race.

This ain't We're not Nobody's getting a There's nobody's getting a prize for how many conquests you got. I got I got a friend I I won't I won't I won't bust his name. This guy worked on his forep the sex part for like three months going back trying to get every name, every And I'm like, you knucklehead.

This is not what this is about, you know. This is about how did I treat the people I so-called loved? How did I treat those relationships?

And there's some great questions to answer on page 69. Says you you review your own conduct over the years past. Now, here they are.

Where were you selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate? Who did you hurt? Did you unjustifiably arousey bitterness, suspicion?

You know, I tell my girlfriend at the time that I'm over at Harry's house and we're watching the football game and then I call I slip up and I call or I answer the phone call from her and she can hear the heels dancing on the table, you know, oh yeah, I'm at Harry's, you know, how did I treat these folks? How did I treat these ladies in my life? And that's some pretty tough stuff.

And it says, 'We tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. My sponsor told me not to worry about about that. He said, "You just pray.

You just pray when God's ready for you to trust. When he's ready to trust you with one of his his princesses, he'll he'll let you know. Don't you I don't want you to pray for the right ideal.

You'll screw it up." After all, he did get to look at all my forep. You know, it was all I mean that what I've just explained is not hard. I list those relationships.

How did I harm them? Did I harm them? What they do to you know, what did I think they did to me?

You know, but you know, when talking about who did we hurt, you know, if I was dating if I was dating your daughter, you know, back in the day, not only did I hurt your daughter daughter, I harmed you as well. So, I I found all that out when I was doing my eightstep list and making my amends that it wasn't enough just to me to go to the girlfriend and make amends. I had to go and more than likely she had to, you know, I had to make amends to her parents as well.

My sponsor gave me one week to complete this fourth step or else. And the or else for him is go away. You ain't done.

That sounds pretty harsh, you know? I mean, I don't know what he would have done if I would have said, "Can I have one more day?" All I know is I called him every day like I was supposed to call him and he he'd let me say what I needed to say. And then he'd say, "Hey, where are you at on your fourstep?" Well, I'm done with my resentments.

I'm working on my fears. Great. Call me when you're done.

Click. My job was to do my job, right? He'd tell me where, you know, I'd have to go by our Salvation Army and pick up some guys, get them to our meeting, get them back, go home and work on my fourstep.

I had a job to do. I had a purp I have a purpose in life now. Get that fourstep done.

The week was up and I have an appointment to go meet my sponsor and do my fifth step. Again, I'm taking more action. Taking more action, saying my little prayers.

See, God pays attention when I pray, but he really comes alive when he sees me pray and sees me followed up with some action. And now I'm going to go to my sponsor's house and I'm going to lay out my case to my sponsor. All right.

And I love I wish I had a little more time because I love what Bill, you know, on page 72 how he talks about this and he's talking about this stuff as being obstacles in our path. See, this stuff on my inventory is obstacles between me and God. And I got to get honest and I got to find out the exact nature of my defects.

That's the whole purpose of a fifth step, right? It says the exact nature of our defects. You know, I got all forms of sickness in my life, but I got to find out the exact nature of my defects.

That's the whole point of a fist. It's not this. I mean, mine wasn't a long drawn out thing.

They say that if we don't do this, we don't do this completely or thoroughly or honestly, that we may not overcome drinking. Why? because I'm going to hold on to some of that stuff that I so neatly thought I had avoided, you know, and that's kind of that's not what that wasn't my intention, right?

But I love this. I love in the middle of page 73 cuz this kind of hits it on the head because this is the way I used to go through Alcoholics Anonymous, right? This is the way I would try to be and it says more than and I'll when I when I share this with the guys that I sponsor, I use their name.

So I'll just since I know Harry's name, I'll pick on Harry, right? Because when I read this to him, I want them to I want it to and this is the way my SP my sponsor put my name in here, right? And it says, "More than most people, Harry leads a double life.

Harry is very actor. To the outer world, Harry presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see.

He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it." And that is me the end of the 80s and all the 90s bouncing in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous. Not only to my friends in AA, but to my family, to my co-workers, to everything. I wanted you to think that I was doing all right.

I was telling you I was doing all right. But deep down in my heart, I'm plotting and planning. Says the inconsistency is made worse by the things Harry does on his sprees.

Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him.

As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. Harry is under constant fear and tension.

That makes for more drinking. Welcome to untreated alcoholism. Man, that sucks, right?

And then he goes on the next page or so, he tells us who we need to have who we need to pick to hear our fist at. Now, you got to be reminded when they wrote the book, there wasn't AA groups in every little town all over the country, all over the world. You know, more than likely your family or whoever is concerned about you wrote off to New York.

They got sent the book and here you got the instructions laid out in front of you and they give you some guidelines on on who to hear your fistep. Now, we've got sponsors, hopefully good sponsors everywhere we go, and we got meetings everywhere we go. And who better to hear my fistep than somebody who's been where I was at.

He knows what we're looking for. He's been exactly in the spot where I was I'm at. And he knows the way out.

Right. And this is an intimate and confidential step. All right.

The worst thing I could do as a sponsor is to hear something in a fist and go share it to you. I don't know if that happened in in my personal life. I've heard through it through the grapevine and stuff.

But if I were to break Harry's confidence on the on on the fifth step, the chances are that Harry would stay sober would be probably pretty slim. The chances that I would stay sober would be pretty slim as well. This is a life and death errand.

And I take this this step seriously. On the top of 75, it tells you exactly when you're supposed to do your fistep. It says, "When you decide who is to hear your story, you waste no time." Right?

I knew who was going to hear my fistep. my sponsor. My fourth step was completed.

Soon as it was completed, I called him and told him it was done. We set up an appointment to do my fifth step the next day. I wasted no time.

The next paragraph, the first line said it tells you exactly how you do your fistep. Says, "We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past." And this is where my sponsor turned his book over and we put our arms around each other and he said a prayer make sure God was with us. And he said after that prayer, he says, "You ready, big boy?" And I said, "I'm ready." He says, "Good." And I had my paperwork all out.

I'm still kind of shaking and stuff. And then he tricked me. He said, cuz I had them all in order, man.

I was going to end I was going to finish on a high, you know. And he said, "Give me the biggest, baddest resentment you got. Give me the biggest one." And of course, it wasn't on my first page.

So, I flipped through there and I found it. That was my dad. And he said, "Tell me about your dad." And I proceeded to tell him about my dad.

My dad left me and my mom when I was three and my dad was set with my granddad's business and he screwed all that up and moved away and always told me he was coming to visit me and never show up. Always asked me what I wanted for Christmas and never gave it to me and on and on and on this little crybaby stuff, right? And as I'm telling him and I could just feel the veins popping out because I mean I spent years hating this so I mean hating them.

So much of the fact that I would have nothing to do with the rest of his family after I got old enough to know better, you know, you know, and the I guess the cuda GR was he was going to give me, you know, like 25 grand when I started college and that cashier's check never showed up. And I just it just ate me up to no end. And I'm getting it all out.

And I mean, my sponsor is asking me questions and I learned another trick that day. This ain't like court. what I what I say can and will be used against me because my sponsor let me get it all out man and he's asking me questions and as soon as I was done you know what did it affect it affected everything across the board personal ambition self-esteem you name it across the board right poor pitiful me that guy's so y and my sponsor proceeded to take everything I just hold of him and reverse the whip and put it all back on my plate.

You know, and the sad sad truth is is my dad's a child of God just like I am. And my dad's an alcoholic. My sponsor asked me, says, "Well, John, you're an alcoholic, too." He goes, "Did you have you ever made some bad decisions?" And I said, "Well, yeah." He goes, "So, why your dad can't make bad decisions?" Well, you know, and then I you just immediately I was just backpedaling all the way home, you know, and the truth of the matter was is is I had all these expectations on the old man and he's an alcoholic just like I am.

Hell, I turned out to be just like my dad, you know, an alcoholic womanizer that no one could depend on, you I mean, I was being like dad, you know, and the truth of the matter is, you know what? Given the tools he's got, he was doing the very best that he could do. And it's my job to love him.

And I had no right to lie to him, to cheat him, to con him, to manipulate him, to not go to see his family. Those those people did nothing but love me. And I treated them poorly.

And man, that was a kick in the you know what to have to have all that come out and that was a humbling experience because I was for sure that I was going to get get my way on that one and hell I think you know after that one all the all the wind was out of my sails you know I'm looking at the rest I'm looking at the rest of my forep and it just like hit me like a ton of bricks you know it's like and it kind of hit me the night before because I heard this lady speak at our group and if you heard her story you cuz I'm thinking she's telling her story, right? And and she is a walking talking miracle like the rest of us and and she's telling her how how she grew up and everything and the the abuse, the sexual abuse, the torture that this lady went through as a child and it's the day before my fist, right? And I'm thinking, yeah, what's her part, right?

And then she slays me with it at the end of her talk and I'm like, I'll be damned. You know, so you know, my fist my forep was nothing. You know, I I saw the ugly truth.

And the ugly truth is left to my own devices. John Kelly is an extremely self-centered, egotistical sob who will do absolutely anything to get my way. And if I got to be real real nice to get my way, I can do that.

And if that don't work, f you. And look at all the damage. Look at all the people that I had damaged running mall.

That's me running the show. That's my fifth step. And then we got to my fears.

And he had me just list read off my fears. We didn't even read all the rest of the comments. He said, "Just list all your fears." And I listen and listen and listen them.

And he said, "Go back to page 68." Said, "Okay." He says, "We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper even though we had no resentment and connection with them. We asked ourselves why we were angry." All right.

Now, I've heard a lot of things been said in in the fellowship about fears and all this stuff, but the answer is the very next sentence. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Why did I get into fear?

Cuz self couldn't fix it. You know, when the money's all good and the relationship's all good and the car's running and the puppy's healthy, I'm not in too much fear. But when my little comfort zone starts to get threatened upon, right, and all the outcomes look like they suck, I start getting into fear.

And it says the answer is the answer is to trust God. And my sponsor asked me, "Hey, knucklehead, you're supposed to be relying upon God now." And I said, "Right." And he says, "God is either every he's either everything or he's nothing, right?" And I said, "Right." He says, "Great. So, if you're relying on God, what the hell do you have to fear?

That's another one of those like, well, I've got to go home now. You know, okay, I don't got nothing to fear, you know. Now, I wish I I wish I could sit up here from the podium and be all high and mighty and say, I ain't got I haven't had fear in six and a half years.

Wrong answer. Wrong answer. I'm in fear all the time, man.

But it doesn't consume me. I have a prayer. I ask God to remove the the fear and ask him to what direct me to what he would have me be.

I get off my butt and go see where I can be of service. See where I can help. At once I commence to outgrow fear.

There's a promise. And how did I treat those ladies in my life? Treated them poorly.

Treated them like Kleenex. They were there for what I wanted or whatever. And if I had to tell them I loved them, I'd loved them.

And if I was done, I was done. And I made a lot of mistakes and I did some bad things. And basically, I treated God's princesses like crap.

And he asked me, he said, "Do you think God wants you to be treated that way?" And I said, "Well, no." He says, "Well, look what you're doing to his princesses." You know, that's a humbling experience to have all that served up to you in one little afternoon. You know, some stuff, you know, the bottom of that, I mean, look at these promises. Well, I'm going to read the bottom.

It says, "Returning home, you find a place where you can be quiet for an hour." So, my sponsor sends me out to go home, be quiet for an hour. Got a couple of prayers. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better.

Then, we take the book down, look at the first five step. Here's another prayer. We ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last.

I had another book that's got covered as well, but that's the book that my sponsor gave me that I got sober with. And I still it's it's marked. I mean, like like it got unmarked, but I'm I'm sitting there for that hour, right?

And I'm quiet and I'm humbled, but I feel I'm feeling pretty good, you know? But it's it's a you know and I'm looking over this up and I'm looking over that fourth step and I get to that second prayer. We ask if we have omitted anything.

And omit and forget are two different things. Hell, I forgot most of the 90s. I was blackout drunk every day.

You know, omit is for me to know something and leave it out on purpose. And I circled that day the word free. And I kept every time I would read that, look, my eyes would catch the page.

I hit that word free and I got to thinking because there was a couple things that I omitted and um I kept going back to free and I reflected upon all the times all fire chips all those times in and out of alcoholics anonymous and that was one thing that I never ever was was free. Even when I had 30 days or 60 days, booze owned me because I was thinking about not drinking. I was never ever free.

And the program promises me that I'm going to get free. I tried to blow it off. I tried and I kept coming back to free.

And then I started thinking, "God dang it, I don't want to die drunk." And I called them and I learned another trick that sponsors do that day. I called him and I said, "Cliff, it's John." And he says, "I've been expecting your call." And I'm thinking, "God, this guy is such a genius. He is like in tune in tune with God.

He knows that I'm trouble and he's there by the phone." And so I told him what I omitted and he laughed at me. You know, one of the things I did was I I I drank rubbing alcohol and not on just one occasion, you know. and he starts laughing at.

But that's one of those things that I was going to take that was I was so shameful about that that it just if I thought about it back in the day it just cuz it was a bad time. It was a bad time in my life and it was just one of those things I would have brushed on, you know. But we laughed about it.

I started my hour over and we and we moved on. But you look at these fifth step promises. It says once we have taken this step withholding nothing, we are delighted.

We can look the world. We can look the world in the eye. And I had to think about it.

I went through all my life looking at the tops of my shoes, trying to get a job, trying to get a girlfriend, trying to have friends or whatever, not being able to look anybody in the eye. Kind of shifty, shady, sketchy, right? Cuz I my whole life was built on a just a pack of lies.

And any moment somebody could pull the bottom card and the whole house would come tumbling down. I couldn't look the world in the eye. Now it says I can't.

I ain't got nothing to hide. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. My God.

Even when I was a bottom of the barrel chronic drunk, I could never sit still. You know why? Cuz I hated me.

I hated being in my own skin. Now I can be alone at perfect peace and ease. I can just chill.

I've gotten real good at that, too. Some might call it laziness. I call it being alone at perfect peace and ease.

You know, sounds a lot better. You know, we may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink pro I kind of cracked myself up on that one, too, man.

Says, "We feel we're on the broad highway walking handinhand with the spirit of the universe. I got a purpose." And I flipped the page. 12 and 12 says, "Step six separates the men from the boys." Clarence Snyder says, "Step six separates the men from the boys." It's only one little paragraph.

If we can answer to our satisfaction, we look at step six. We've emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove all the things which are objectionable?

That's why it separates the men from the boys. I was real good about giving God my alcoholism, right, over the years past. God, you can have my alcoholism, but by God, I'm gonna get Debbie back, you know?

And it all comes It all comes back. It all comes back to God is either everything or he's nothing. God either is or he ain't.

God's either going to take my garbage, all of it, or where's God? Am I this is this this is the this is my the result of my life run on self-will. Am I ready to let God take it?

Am I let am I going to let go of all that jealousy and bitterness and suspicion and resentment and fear? Am I going to be ready? And it says say something like this.

My creator, I'm willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character. Doesn't just end there.

It'd be nice if it did. It doesn't. Which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.

He may need to use some of my defects to help you. I don't know. Right.

Like don't do like that guy. You know, grant me strength as I go from here to do your bidding. Amen.

We have then completed step seven. So in one little afternoon I I did five, six, and seven. Pretty simple, you know.

Hell, my sponsor, the way they did it is he showed up to a sponsor. They did a third set prayer on a Saturday afternoon. They went out and I guess had a smoke break or something like that.

They're my sponsor sponsor's house, you know. They came back in and and and Paul came out of the kitchen with a pad of paper and a pen and sat cliff down at the kitchen table and said, "Let's do your fourth step." And they did four, five, six, seven right there that afternoon. You know, pretty cool.

says now we need more action. Right? It's all we can't stop moving now, man.

There's no no rest for the weary. Right? So, it says we have a list of persons we've harmed and whom we're willing to make amends.

We made it when we took inventory. I had a good start on my eight-step list in my inventory. All those people that I had harmed that I need to go make amends to.

But guess what? There's a whole heck of a lot of people that weren't on my resentment list weren't on any other list in my forep that I owed amends to. I mean basically if I knew you in the 80s and the 90s I owed you an amen.

I mean if you happen to cross my path I mean nobody walked away from an encounter with me thinking that their lives were more enriched for having knowing me. You know nobody came up to me after a blackout night and said you know in during your blackout last night you were so helpful. you know that didn't happen you know so my list grew exponentially thereafter right and I started that list but I immediately went over to my sponsor's house cuz we're going to get ready for my ninth step and now my sponsor is going to turn me loose in the world to go out and repair the damage done and he had it and this ain't in the big book so you can take it or leave it but he had me divide my list up into three columns the ones I was ready right then and there to make amends to.

And then I had another column that was, yeah, I owe them an amends, but it could be a little dicey. And then I had another column. There ain't no way in hell I'm making amends to them.

They'll kill me, right? And then we started with that first column. And as that started to roll, guess what?

That middle column like butter. And by the time I was working down that middle column, that one, those people that I swore I'd never see, that I was scared to death to do, were knocking out those two. And I made a heck of a lot of mens.

There was two that he wouldn't let me do. Sponsorship is key in making amends because there's some qualifications. You know, I have to have a sincere desire to set right the wrong.

All right. I can't go there to make an amends to you hoping to get the heat off. hoping to get my job back, hoping to get back in your bed.

It doesn't work that way. I have to have a sincere desire to write the wrong and I have to go to you in a helpful and forgiving spirit. Doesn't matter what you did to me.

I'm just here to clean up my side of the street. And it's not a good idea to take my broom that I'm cleaning my side of the street up and go on your side and start cleaning up your side. It don't matter, right?

But there was two on my list that he wouldn't let me make. There was two relationships, two girls. And he says, "You don't make those two until I give you permission." He says, "You're not to look them up on the internet.

When God's ready for you to make those amends, it'll happen." But one of the first people on my list was my mom, my sainted mother, as I refer to her from the podium. You know, my mom has seen every trick, heard every trick, heard every con. She's bailed me out for years and years and years, and I've got all my family all sucked back in so many times only to pull the structure down by a senseless series of sprees, you know, to the point to where in some at some time in 1998 that I'd been drinking and I was talking to my mom on the phone and she was crying and she says, "You know what?

I love you. You're my first kid. We grew up together.

I love you more than anything, but if you have to keep drinking, you have to do it without us. Goodbye. You know, my family didn't want to have anything to do with me.

You know, my and I, you know, I told you last week, I called my mom that day that I got my last desire chip and she cried cuz she found out I had a new sponsor and she had been praying and I talked to her during that week when I was, you know, getting ready to do my four step and then the few days when I was working on my four step and she kept telling me my voice sounded different. I sounded good on the phone, I guess. And I called her during that week.

I'm like two weeks sober, maybe into my third week. I think it was two weeks. But um I called her and made an appointment.

She lives up in Gainesville. And I asked her if I could come by and see her Saturday morning. And she said, "Sure, come by." and I drove up to see her and I'd gone to my sponsor's house and and talked to him about it and made sure, you know, we're cool and we're going to do the right thing and and lay it all on the line and go there and help her and the results are what God can do.

And I get there and she's sitting on the porch drinking coffee. And I get out of my car and I start walk get out of my car and start to walk up the sidewalk and she's walking towards me and she's crying and I'm thinking I ran over her dog or something. You know, I'm thinking she was just sitting on the porch drinking coffee.

You know, now she's balling. You know, of course, I'm trying to be a tough guy. And of course, I start crying and we're hugging each other and she steps back and she looks me dead in the eye and points right at me and she says, "You're different.

You've changed." She goes, "That's why." I said, "Why are you crying?" And she goes, "As soon as I saw your head pop up, you're different." And she grabbed my hand and she says, "Come sit down and let's talk." And I just looked her dead in the eye and I said, "Mom, I've treated you guys like crap. I've lied to you and I've cheated you and I've stolen money from you and your business and you know, I'm at your mercy. I have no here's what I've calculated it to be, but it could be 10 times that.

I have no idea. I've wrecked your cars." And I said, 'But more importantly, you know, I ain't a parent, and I don't know what kind of price you can put on how many nights you went to bed crying yourself asleep knowing that I was going to die drunk. And she just cut me off and started crying again and says, "I just want you back." Then she gave me the mother of all a men's.

She said, "You just keep doing what you're doing." you know, and I got to do all my brothers and sisters and instead of them staying away from me like they used to, they all come to to me. You know, my brothers are all in the church, they all, you know, hell, I'm getting sober and stuff and I'm like reading another book and reading this book and I'm say, "Hey, did you know in this book it's" and they're like, "Yeah, we got that." You know, we learn that. It's new to me, man.

It was new to me. But I've since But I've since, you know, taken I've taken my mom through this book. My mom doesn't drink.

I mean, she probably the last I who knows when the last time she had a drink. She doesn't drink. She loves Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, my mom is a big book thumper. She can spot a middle of the road aa by the first sentence out of their mouth, man. She She could spot it, you know.

She loves nothing better than drive down the road, listen to a Chris Rymer CD, you know, and she loves it, man. And I had a lot of those amends and my job is to go out and seek these people out. And there not one amended I make that I have a bad and this is just my experience.

Not one amend turned sour. People that should have never spoken to me again speak to me now. Every one of my amends has turned into well a lot of them were hey we thought you were dead you know so once we get all that out of the way you know but all of them have turned into an opportunity for me to kind of share with them what's going on in my life and quite a few of them as time went by from that amend have turned into 12step calls on friends that they know or family members or somebody at work you know hell the worst thing they had I At least they know an expert, you know, and they were g they gave up on me.

And all into here, I was going to Homer bound on a Sunday and and you know, things are going swimmingly in my life. And as I'm pulling up to a stop sign, I look at the car next to me at, you know, at the other part of the intersection and these two people I used to work with at Hard Rock Cafe. And um they were two of the people said, "We thought you were dead." But I saw them and I honked on the horn and they hadn't seen me since I left for Puerto Rico, you know, and I owed them some money and they tried to help me out at some point and I just kind of crapped all over their parade and everything.

I just treated them bad, you know. So we we met in a little parking lot and they it was just it was a cool thing, you know. I mean, God brought us together.

It was all cool and they were blown away. I was blown away at them. They showed me, you know, it was just a great experience, right?

Fast forward a week or two, unbeknownst to me, they're out to dinner and they run into one of the girls that I my sponsor said, "When God wants you to make amends to her, she'll he'll put her in your life." Well, they run out to dinner and they run into Janette and they're said, "I guess you're never going to guess who we saw." And they gave her my card that I had given them. So I get a call that week at the office from this girl who I used to live with for four years treated like ab I mean I just it was horrible. I didn't hit her or nothing like that, but my words can be pretty brutal.

And it was just a bad scene. And we talked for a few minutes on the phone and I said, "Look, I don't know where you're at in your life, what's going on, but you know, if you talk to somebody that you trust or whatever, pray about it. Do whatever you do, but if it if you can see it in your way, I need to spend like 10 minutes with you somewhere, Starbucks or whatever.

I I need to see you face to face and we'll do it in public so you don't have to get scared or nothing. And she says, "All right, I'll pray about it." And she calls me a couple days later and I mean or she emailed me a couple days later and the email just said Starbucks in Lakewood 6:00 Sunday and I went at 4:00. I was at my sponsor's house.

I'm like, "Here it is, man. This is the one." You know, this is this is going to be this could be ugly. And um the cool thing about these amends is the more amends that I make, the more actions I take in this program, the more faith that I get.

See, I'm walking into these amends early on thinking this is going to be ugly. But I go, you know, I think Tom I Tom I from North Carolina calls it, he says, "When faith and preparation collide, the results are what God can do." You know, faith and preparation. and I had harmed her and we went to this Starbucks and it was tearary and I made these amends and it was all it went swimmingly well and everything was great and I had that that moment of that vital six sense cuz as we're I'm walking her back to her car you know I have that thought you need dude you need to do this again you didn't quite cover all the bases I did I did you know and I get to her car and I just have this thought and I'm I'm kind of saying a little prayer.

I'm like, "God, you've got to help me do this right." And I just looked her dead in the eye and I said, "Janette, I have no right to treat you the way that I treated you." And the things that I said to you and the harm that I caused you, nobody should have to put up with that. And I don't remember all the words cuz they just kind of spilled out. And she's crying and I'm crying.

And she finally just stopped me and she just looked at me and she's like, "You rock, man." And God made that okay. You know, we hugged and we went our separate ways. Every once in a while, I get an email, something like that.

She's happy. I've since talked to her mom and all that's cool, you know, but God mended that stuff. They're not ducking me and I'm not ducking them.

I've taken these actions and God has restored me to sanity. And we'll catch up on the promises and all that next week. Thanks for having me.

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