AA Speaker – John R. – Palm Springs, CA – 1982
AA speaker John R. shares his story of arrogance, a devastating relapse, and learning to surrender through the steps. A talk on hitting bottom and rebuilding life in recovery.
John R., an engineer turned union official from New York, came into AA as a dying drunk after 18 months of catastrophic decline—multiple psychiatric hospitalizations, a failed relapse attempt, and complete spiritual collapse. In this AA speaker tape from Palm Springs, he walks through his journey from self-will run rampant to powerlessness, his sponsor’s blunt confrontation, and how working the steps transformed him from a “phony” mouthing slogans into someone who could actually live the program.
John R. describes his progression from a high-functioning drinker with a position of power in a labor union to a pitiful drunk who deteriorated rapidly over 18 months, landing in locked psychiatric wards multiple times. After his first 90 days of sobriety, he attempted to drink again—convinced he could control it—leading to a horrifying relapse where he became trapped on a drunk with no way off, terrified of the convulsion that awaited him. The AA speaker eventually learned surrender, worked the steps under his sponsor’s direction, and discovered that acceptance of powerlessness and trust in a Higher Power—not intelligence or willpower—was the path to staying sober.
Episode Summary
John R. opens with stories and humor, but quickly reveals the stark contrast between who he thought he was and who he actually became. An only child from a wealthy Irish background, he carried deep arrogance rooted in professional success. As a labor negotiator and union official, he prided himself on being a “serious drinker”—never sloppy, never loud, always in control. He drank because he loved “the lights and the music and the beauty,” and for years his drinking fit this carefully curated image.
The disease progressed silently. His marriage deteriorated. His wife joined Al-Anon, where she learned to stop enabling him. He began hiding his drinking, then deteriorated into complete chaos—unable to work, hospitalized repeatedly in locked psychiatric wards, diagnosed with blackouts and seizure risk. When he admits he became “a pitiful drunk,” the words carry the weight of someone who watched himself fall.
What makes this AA speaker tape powerful is not sentiment but raw honesty about what happened next. Coming through the doors of AA, John was convinced he could intellectualize his way to sobriety. He read the Big Book obsessively, attended 90 meetings in 90 days, even looked up the definitions of “obsession” and “compulsion” to correct people’s language at meetings. He was, by his own admission, an insufferable newcomer—arrogant, scheming, treating recovery like another problem he could outsmart.
Then came the relapse. After 90 days, convinced he could now drink “normally,” he took a drink. What followed was horror: the obsession seized him immediately. He couldn’t stop. The drink that once gave him pleasure became a prison. Worse, he knew the seizure risk that came with withdrawal. He was terrified—not just sick, but trapped in a body he couldn’t control, with a mind screaming at him.
He came back to the rooms after 13 days, broken. His sponsor—described as an “ogre” at first—met him with brutal clarity: “You look bad… you’re a dirty bum.” But then came the turning point: “I am your sponsor.” Three years sober, 40 years in the program.
What John learned—and what he spends much of this talk explaining—is that the steps are not intellectual exercises. They’re a path of action and surrender. Step One meant accepting that his entire life, his intelligence, his capacity for hard work—none of it mattered against alcohol. Steps Two and Three meant admitting that something greater than himself had to restore him. Step Four, he discovered, wasn’t about cataloging sexual conquests or stolen money; it was about understanding what drives him—what makes John go. When he finally faced himself in that inventory, he found release not on Step Three (as he expected) but on Step Four: “I knew John. For better or for worse, I knew what I was.”
The talk moves through the remaining steps with specificity. Step Six, character defects: he had to stop arguing that he was “made this way” and surrender every one. Step Nine brought practical reconciliation—not grand gestures, but sitting down at meals with his family without using them as targets for his anger. By Step Eleven, John learned that prayer wasn’t about his will; it was about learning to ask for God’s will instead.
A profound moment comes when John describes Peggy, his wife’s young sister, who became an instant alcoholic after finding alcohol as a “socially acceptable” solution to her problems. She relapsed once, and on her second attempt, she died. John had to sit with the horror of watching someone he tried to help descend faster than he had. This becomes his testimony to the disease’s cunning and to why the steps—and sponsorship—matter.
Throughout, John emphasizes that the program works not through intelligence but through willingness. He credits his sponsor’s insistence that he “follow instructions”—do what the steps say, not what makes sense to him. He credits his wife’s commitment to Al-Anon, which saved both the marriage and her sanity. He credits the fellowship, which told him he wasn’t a bad guy trying to get good, but a sick person trying to be well.
The talk closes with John’s reflection on what the steps gave him: a self he could live with (spiritual awakening), a cause he could live for (carrying the message), and a code he could live by (practicing the principles). He invokes Bill W.’s line: “Man takes drink, drink takes drink, and drink takes man.” Then offers his own: “Man takes steps, steps take steps, and steps take men.”
Notable Quotes
I came in because I was a dying drunk and I was looking to live. Survival. No other reason.
When the one drink took me, the drink that took me wasn’t the drink who made the plans. And the horror started. I couldn’t get off the drunk.
You’re not a bad guy trying to get good. You’re a sick person trying to be well.
They told me the slogans are first aid. You need major surgery.
I said ‘God, I’m not ready. I’ve got the slogans.’ And they said, ‘The slogans are first aid. You need major surgery.’
Follow instructions. Don’t experiment. Put your feet where mine go.
Prayer and meditation wasn’t about making God aware of my will. It was about learning God’s will.
Step 3 – Surrender
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Sponsorship
Hitting Bottom
Relapse & Coming Back
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Sponsorship
- Hitting Bottom
- Relapse & Coming Back
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there’s nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker today it’s my pleasure to introduce our main speaker who hails from the Empire State of New York John R I’m John I’m an alcoholic I’m an only child alcoholic I I don’t want to say that I have a dual problem but after hearing Ed the other day I I think you you will well you can be the judge as as we go along I I don’t know whether I’m I’m cured or or disappointed or sort of overjoyed that Maurice put me on on so suddenly because well sometimes introductions can be can be misleading I I happened to be employed by AT&T and and a few weeks ago I attended a seminar and a gentleman named Bob was introduced as a man who had just closed a million dooll oil deal in California and after the thunderous Applause Bob stood up and said that it was a not in California it was in Pennsylvania it was in Coal not in oil they had lost $100,000 and not needed it was his brother and not himself who was involved for anyone who is or considers himself or herself not quite an alcoholic or is a little bit nervous about being here or who might want to be referred to as a potential alcoholic let me let me give the the anonymity tradition this way I won’t tell anybody I saw you here if you don’t tell anybody you saw me here it’s it’s a Sunday morning and I don’t think anything can be more spiritual than the Pearly Gates and St Peter but in order to get there there have to be events so if I may take you back to an apartment complex in Long Island a few weeks ago a gentleman thought that his wife might be dilly-dallying and what he did he came home a little early one afternoon and she was quite disheveled he quickly raced through the apartment found no one but being clever raced to the window and saw a man going down the fire escape in a complete rage he went to the kitchen wrestled a refrigerator over to the window and as the gentleman stepped off the fire escape he let him have it scene changes few moments later the Pearly Gates and St Peter is interviewing the applicants and the first gentleman arrives and he said you have lived a good life my son what is your last memory he said I really don’t know St Peter how I arrived here he said I locked myself out of my apartment they said quite normally I I I went up the fire escape I tried the window it was locked I came down that’s all I remember he said my son you have led a good life you may pass the second man came up and he was still rather fled and readed in the face and he said St Peter I’ve led a good life but I was guilty of anger he said possibly I made a mistake he said but in my in my rage in wrestling with this refrigerator this ice box he said I P said you took a car andary my son but in spite of your your rage and your finish you’ve lived a good life you may pass the last man came up with a very puzzled look and St Peter said my son how did you arrive he said St Peter I have no idea he said well what’s the last thing you remember he said I was sitting in this ice box it doesn’t matter how we got here or how they got there we’re here this morning and it is one beautiful sight from up here most of the time I’m nervous going on on something like this but this morning I just just feel terribly terribly emotional I was told by all who had been here that I would enjoy a quote loving and an experience that that I would not forget and if I were in in the intelligence agencies I would have to say it’s going to take me three or 4 days of just laying on a beach on on Long Island to try to let come out of me what I’ve experienced this weekend and while I love you all I I just have to thank mandatory El F in the committee and I don’t usually mention names but this weekend has been different for this drunk and so to Mark and Dodie who are my host or as my wife would say he needs a keeper I am certainly glad they gave him some to will it who brought me back to my to my early meetings when he spoke yesterday you speak of De your view except for that sof Southeastern draw I was back where I came from his lovely wife Sue gave me a tremendous boost coming up here this morning a gentleman who may have changed my life when I heard one of his very very early tapes it was said that it was recorded by Thomas a Edison himself but in that in that tape chuck chuck made a statement about chapter 5 and the steps and and pretty much he said that it didn’t say we read him it didn’t say we intellectualized him it didn’t say that we talked about him it said we took them and so you better took them and this this changed me meeting Chuck I’m an I’m an incurable romantic you see and this was like a kid with an ice cream cone talking to a man like this to the lovely Eve who I haven’t been lucky enough to see in quite a few 24 hours to another good friend c c from Canada who changed my life by telling me you’re doing your reading John to two people who become extremely close to me my closest friends i’ say in the program that’ll be Dave and and Grace from Texas from New Friends the booer Alabama and Shirley who shared with me here and to a couple of people you’ll know who took me back to my early misled youth out of the big band era Jim and Chuck and their and their lovely ladies to a guy who gave me a tremendous boost last weekend he’s sitting at there Jerry D and I love you all and I just can’t say enough about what you’ve what you’ve done for me St Peter signpost and how we got here it it it tells me that that I shouldn’t make excuses and this is not to be construed as an excuse but as I said I was an only child now I may not look it but I was very delicate all right there we go and my mother took very very good care of me in in fact until the time that I was 18 years of age whenever we sat down to eat she cut all of my meat you’re jealous you’re jealous all right now I was an only child and I ran into this Shanty Irish bounty hunter from the other side of the tracks who was the oldest of eight we married or she picked me off and she would not cut my meat now anyone is of the medical profession I will go into my background later knows that this caused instant trauma shock I said I came out of the big band era and for anyone who can remember I can remember the the remotes from out here from from Balboa and from the Palladium Palomar Beach back East it was Frank DA’s meow Brook in Glenn Island Casino the rused cabin and on many many weekends like this on a night I could be coming back in hearing the band I had just seen on the radio with the roof of a convertible down with a beautiful gal alongside of me and the glittering Lights of the Big Apple out in front and it was beautiful and it was fine and the world was mine of course on some of those nights strange things happened I I was looking for the I was bit confused that’s that’s a good way of putting it and I was looking Manhattan is an island and they have various Bridges and tunnels connecting it with the outlying areas I I was looking for the Queen’s Midtown Tunnel and in the shape that I was in it amounted to a big hole in the ground is what I was was after basically what I did was make a U-turn in heavy traffic in the middle of 42nd Street it was not the tunnel it was Grand Central Station loading platform so no no you know even then I guess I was fairly GL had a good line because there was an Irish cop and I don’t know whether we did Mother McCree Danny boy or Irish soldier boy but he escorted me back up wished me bon voyage and said you know drink no more my son this evening now if there is such a thing as a as a healthy attitude towards alcohol I had it you see because I could call you up the next morning and I could simply say will you hear the stupid thing I did last night I must have changed from bourbon to scota got on the martinis too heavily because this happened I could tell you that in this shape I also got home and and awoke with a call of Nature and I was I was lost I saw a window here and I knew if the window was here the door was behind me and I walked into a wall but I thought I was one of those clever alcoholics you hear about and and what I did I I figured it was a reflection in the mirror so I turned around and walked into another wall followed by another wall and I knew I was in the bathroom what I had done was to step into a sunken bathtub but again I could call there there was no hiding it if you drank the way my crowd did occasionally funny funny things like like this would happen to move this this right along there there was an early marriage to the to the Bounty Hunter it was a love marriage we were a couple of crazy kids I was just about of Age and and she was just under we were in love and my drinking was Heavy I I was a daily heavy hitter for 18 years without counting any kid stuff and you see coming from an Irish background we sort of had a split family it was known as like the the we and the them the the we drank at sun down the thems drank at Sun up the family wanted me to be one of the Weis and so basically I was owed to sample anything that came in to the house at any time so I knew about alcohol I also unfortunately in growing up saw three friends killed after I left Automobiles and we wouldn’t say they were drunk they had a few but not drunk as I would say drunk but I should have known that it it there could be an effect I had an uncle who went from a brilliant executive took a terrible setback in his personal life with a with a with a child that was born dead and I saw aan drink himself to death in one year so I had the experience of others going for me my background came out of engineering and yet and yet strangely enough I wound up in in industrial relations and I came up fairly fast I came through a New York local their executive board I was transferred to the international to the head of an education department and I wound up as the personal adviser to the president of the international Union I had it and if you didn’t think I had it I would tell you I had it the arrogance was there the signpost quite possi you can see not a guy who drank with the lampshade on the head not a guy who started fights not a guy who had a had a drink to dance with the young ladies but one who couldn’t stand sloppy drunks or Wise Guys or lampshades on their head a dead serious Drinker and while I had a had a fairly strong capacity the medical profession would would later refer to it as developing a taste for a mind-changing drug there was pressure and I thrived in it big mouth had a saying that that when it got too tough for anybody else it was just right for me I loved it I drank when I damn pleased if I had alcohol on my breath at 8:00 in the morning and you did not like it you could get yourself someone else I was Top Dog and I would make my own rules self-will run rampant something like that out of one of those books but you see what will happen pressures begin building and now the immaculate dress was beginning to get a little wrinkled the beard showed through a little bit the assignments got bungled the reports were late now whether or not any one out there is alcoholic if these things are beginning to happen and you have the reputation of being a heavy hitter they’re going to point to you and say he drinks not like he drinks he drinks and so for a guy who drank for the lights and the music and the beauty and the taste in the bouquet I began hiding for the first time not only how much I drank but when I drank it now who was I kidding signpost was there and things contined to go wrong now now if one thing made me successful it was objectivity so for one of a better word let’s say one night coming in and assignment I I took what would put amount to be a fourth step I’ve got to tell you before we go into this that I knew about Alcoholics Anonymous I was given an assignment to find out what to do with you them the Dr see because going back over 20 years ago it was costing over $20,000 to arbitrate discharges for lost causes and it wasn’t a case of they never used that word drunk it was too hard to prove they would simply say failure to live up to the terms and conditions of employment very impressive that is coming in stone at noon coming in stone 8:00 in the morning not coming in on Mondays little things like that but that dirty word drunk was never used was a cause I went to my own doctor I went to the Yale and Cornell and ruty’s reports and what did it tell me it told me that you you had the best track record in the world not only did these poor people stop getting Saed which would clear my problem they seem to be what are the psychiatrist say they seem to adjust goody you know so I went to a few Church basements and you know was it was nice good it was nice nothing wrong with it it was a wonderful thing you know you know if I didn’t exactly think you were all swingers but you know it was good it was good okay I sat on that train and I said buddy your drinking habits have changed your pattern is all different you’re drinking to blot out responsibility and you’re passing up Meals you’re using the Boo for a quick hitter quick hitter pass up the meal take a fast shot get some calories and keep going little bell went off and it said pal sick sick sick you’re going to wind up with the goody goodies in the church basement you don’t watch it we don’t want that I mean really had nothing against you you just warant my type of people that simple things continue to go wrong the bride was beginning to get upset little things upset her little things we were we were expecting our second child and being a not quite a union member but a union official and she did not wish to fly in God’s face so we did not get pink or blue hobby horses we got pink and blue happy horses and the wall that we were going to use them on was really terrible anyone in the construction trades this was a horror and what I did I I began patching and wallpapering early on a Sunday morning and I used to improve my breakfast I improved everything that I drank I improved my orange juice with gin I improved my coffee with with uh rye and as I improved uh things began to happen now some of you I’ve spoken to and I’ve mentioned that the Westberry Long Island group is a humble group and and I have what is known as as as as uh well it’s I’m humble it’s sort of militant humility at times or or aggressive humility and and what the bride said she said in in all honesty you you you could take that first that first panel that that he pasted up of the of the rocking horses and you could have taken it down and put it into the Louver it was magnificent the orange juice progressed the coffee progressed I deteriorated and her snotty comment at the end was that the nose of one rocking horse was running up the anal Canal of the one in front hostility hostility I I refer to her as my as my first wife she she is my only wife but this if she were here or if it goes back it sort of keeps her on her feet a little bit for anyone this is a sharing program who is living with a retired Bounty Hunter like this or are a hostage taker may may I just just add this never criticize his or her judgment they did pick us for their spouses that’s one and and secondly never tell them you are unworthy allow them to discover this for themselves she joined a group that I shall refer to as quote the normal neurotics she went down there to find out how to how to sober Golden Boy up I I think that they made her a member of the hostility committee I have heard reports they told her you don’t want anything to happen to him do you she said You Bet Your Life I don’t I’m going to get him myself she had many talents at this time she could start a fight in an empty room you know you you’ve heard that that that bigamy is having one wife too many believe me at this time in this case monogamy was having one wife too many I never knew what happened to me I wound up a pitiful drunk I I wasn’t I just I just completely deteriorated and I had reached the point I would go to bed and just lay there and pass us out and I would wind up black and blue and battered and I couldn’t figure what happened I felt I fell out of aha yes yes you saddest I saw it then I heard her speak at an alanine meeting and I knew what happened saved my life you better believe it what what she did she bought a little doggy nice little doggy doam and pins she began beating him with my socks she was going to introduce us when he became full grown she had a backup plan she’s a brilliant woman if this did not work she was going to use bullan in my starch and my collors she was she was religious she was deeply religious New Year is the Feast of the circumcision wait wait it’s a holy day she celebrated as follows I was wearing jackey shorts she pushed me through a double plate glass end table was deeply disappointed nothing happened seriously I kid I joke about alanan but you see it did save my life it did save my marriage and later in my story you’ll see it saved her sanity I can recall reading many years ago when Bill was asked why there was an alanine he replied followers in in his usual way of telling a little story he told the story of a family that had become hopelessly lost in the woods and the head of the family found their way back to civilization and safety and left the rest of the family in the woods the shift for themselves and thus we have an alanon and thus we have a guy standing here who came in through the back door now I I was not too pleased with her destroying my anonymity this way this weekend brought back memories sleeping on the grass was nice I I used to practice that I’d woke up many Sunday mornings on the grass and yet I was annoyed that she was destroying my good name by going out with this bunch of of neurotics what she did they told her to go to open AA meetings and find out what was wrong with me she joined an organization do you Alan NS have you ever heard of of a club called the red ring Club anybody here the red ring Club oh all right here’s how you work this newcomers you go to an AA meeting if the spouse is hostile towards AA you do want to read the literature so you take it into the bathroom and if you do not put the seat down and you read extensively you join the red ring Club I was progressing very very rapidly in my deterioration a few years ago rutkus came out with the D’s and it was something like delusion disillusion disappointment desperation and despair I went through the warful fairs because the fun and games from the time I went to a personal doctor and said quote do you think I’m alcoholic and he said no but you drink too much until the time I came in through these doors was 18 months now we hear about alcoholism and a progression coming down like a leaf down up but the direction down I went straight off a cliff in 18 months Golden Boy here in those days we did not have the lovely rest homes we had something called Ward o was a locked psycho wood we had other locked psycho Woods not only did I make the woods I made straight jackets on six occasions my whole life came down around my years didn’t come down as I say like the like the House of Cards dominoes it came down like an arch when you pull you pull the Keystone and I said I had become arrogant you see I had become my own higher power I could do anything and the record backed me up but now I was hopeless and helpless the bride was seeing a lawyer where could I go there was a big black pit a CI in darkness and I was falling down it and didn’t know what to do and there was terror terror the guy who never lost suddenly found out he was ill equipped to face life and there was no place to go and there was nothing to grab and the horror continued mental physical and spiritual mentally the state of New York and the lock WS can attest to my state spiritual I never had the audacity to deny a higher power or a God but I had long since stopped paying any worship when I reached the top I would Render unto God what God needed you see and since since I hadn’t gone to God when I was sailing along in the clouds by the insane code I liveed by I couldn’t go to God when I was laying flat on my back hopeless and helpless and dying and it wasn’t like that that great American dream of the movie where the cowboy walks into the sunset with the Troubles of the world on his shoulders and grimly Carries On The Hard guy became an object of P he became poor devil sitting at the end of a bar trying to hold Body and Soul together with a drink falling apart and shaking lost lost confused pitiful the end of the world not with a bang but with a whimper one other problem I had reached the point in the international Union where I could not be fired I knew where literally Too Many Bodies were buried yes so I was untouchable right I found out slightly after I came in that they were beginning to take the chance and fire me but they were going to do it a little bit differently they were going to do it ready aim fire I came in and I made one last shot I prided myself I’ve heard this disease called Insidious cunning and baffling and for me it was Insidious because it completely destroyed the objectivity I no longer could see or would see what was happening to me there was nothing left but me and that drink one last shot my the finish of my service career was in experimental submarines there was extensive psychological and psychiatric test taken I knew my quote profile I went back in for a week of intensive care I released the service records I got out some medical books I want to help them I want to help him I have a very close friend in New York and I guess I’m going to have to use his expression he does it much better than me I was looking for a big hyphenated word that would explain what was happening to me something very very impressive the reports came down that all of my Neos were running wild I was unadjusted but if I would stop drinking I’d be okay I told I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about I went back to that book abnormal psychology and as my friend puts it and I can identify with him I could identify with every hypat disease in that book but two I was not an alcoholic and I was not a lesbian I came in through those doors everything else was gone and I came in for one reason I had one thing going for me I didn’t come in here to identify I came in because I was a dying drunk and I was looking to live survival no other reason survival and I was Charming I felt that most of the arrogance had been knocked out of me because Bill tells us that the only way for an alcoholic to get humility is repeated and repeated humiliation and I had suffered that and standing in the doorway I’ll respect the anonymity I won’t use his name was a person who greeted me like this you don’t look too good he says you know you know what’s wrong with you I just looked I I I wouldn’t talk this was what was wrong with people like you we had people like him in doorways his next remark ended at all he said you’re going a treeold disease I said I beg your pardon this treeold threefold I don’t want to be vulgar I said what the hell is a treeold disease this is you know prefold mental physical spiritual prefold I gave this said you know it’s it’s it’s come to this it really has come to this then I got the bad shock another guy walked up and says that’s one of our winners I didn’t want to see the losers believe me no way that was good enough for John I sat out there and I became obsessed with one idea I had lost many many battles in my life never lost a whole War but this one was Final absolute and complete I had lost it and I didn’t like it but watch the pronoun here I read all of your literature I read the big book I read AA comes of age notice that big pronoun I I went to 90 meetings in 90 days asked me what was going on as swell swell great great swinging swinging beautiful beautiful they all said he’s what what a what a great pigeon this kid is and I schemed and I schemed I I did do one thing I felt that most of you were hopelessly illiterate in the use of the English language and so I went to the dictionary and I looked up the words Obsession and compulsion so that they would not be used interchange and we could have intelligent closed meetings I think this is the only thing that beat me in my aim of being voted AA Rookie of the Year that’s this upset some people one night I heard a gentleman who was speaking up here and he was sharing about 25 years of 24 hours and I said very very smartly I know more about this stupid thing that almost killed less than than he does because I know a hell of a lot about alcoholism what I know about the program remains to be seen still no way out whether I read it in oel and Cornell and ru’s reports or you told me in here basically my sentence and I regarded it as such was that I was addicted to a mind-changing substance while I might get some smarts back while I might get a little love back never again physically would I pick up a drink safely and that was the sentence but I heard another gifted individual same background industrial relations engineering self-starting type of guy Dynamic and what he did now listen carefully he used science see right away the doubt is keep an open mind please until you hear this what Ed did was to follow instructions and change where he drank how he drank and when he drank was his way of life he changed his entire pattern of drinking he changed his hours of drinking he kept copious notes he went so far as to begin a barograph with this pardon that word and at the end of nine months for you doubting Thomas’ Edward had proven successfully he was no longer alcoholic now how does that grab you huh huh see he came to this conclusion in a straight Jack at nicob Baka hospital so much for science no way out and to the next phase spirituality what I did what I did I let go and let God I had exactly 90 days and was to make my first talk and what I did was to pray to God to restore my former drinking powers all right now now you smile but if anyone has a better way of being what’s got me up here this morning than this please see me after the meeting now notice I didn’t say please God let me have a drink no nothing like that I basically said please God let me drink the way I always drank like a pig because you know the idea of having one one and and Counting them hey come on forget it I had enough brain to know I was much better off without that and you see I went to a lot of meetings if anything went wrong I could go back to Westberry that night and I could say all right I took the noble chemical experiment and it didn’t work and I’m sorry and so what I had to take one last shot Insanity sure you see because I I refer to myself as a as a alcoholic I stopped smoking 10 years ago in C pneumonia I had delayed blackouts I came in here and was DED 10 days and took an alcoholic convulsion that left me out for 70 minutes and in reading about that in those books it told me I was prone and if I drank again and I withdrew again there was a pretty good chance I was going to die or I was going to have more brain damage than I am exhibiting here this morning talking to you okay little advice for anyone who wants to try it after 90 days of of clean living do not make the first one 10 ounces of smear off 100 on the rocks it started down and I had an idea maybe I should try to put the toothpaste back into the tube it was about as good an idea as a parachute it opens on a second bounce didn’t work and I know it but now you see the horror starts because the one thing I hadn’t heard in those 90 days was at the drunk who takes the drink is not the drunk who made the plans and so the horror started I couldn’t get off the drunk I couldn’t get off the drunk and this time it was horror because smarty who looked up by obession and compulsion was now living them and the drink became nothing but something the whole body and soul together and Terror was now added to the rest because you see the convulsion was waiting at the end and I had a stop and I was afraid a stop again the big eye the eye Terror sheer Terror despair it was there when when I came in I said I refrained from suicide because I was afraid of of hurting myself I don’t think that’s true I honestly believe that a higher power as I understand him chose not to give me enough despare because unfortunately in sharing with you I’ve seen that any alcoholic who was given too much to spare will end it and so I thank my God for this I got back into Westbury nothing else but the grace of God a 13-day drunk and standing in the doorway was not lovely treeold because I don’t think I could have taken him telling me and sin no more in 6 months you’ll be walking in the Green Green Grass and singing I just I couldn’t have taken it standing in the doorway was an ogre ogre is the only word for it everyone else when I was saying how beautiful and what a wonderful pigeon I was he was saying he’s a phony he’s mouthing it he’s got nothing inside and that was waiting at the doorway the conversation went as follows you look bad I feel bad I feel very bad I’m I’m I’m sick I’m very sick he said do you feel guilt I said I feel terrible guilt he said you think you left everybody down I said I left every he said you let your wife down I said let my wife down he said do you feel like a dirty bum I said yes Ed I do he said do you know why I said why Ed he said because you are a dirty bum where was the love oh yeah half dead poor person suffering any anyone who needs anyone who needs a sponsor follow the next conversation he said I am your sponsor I said what made you think you can be my sponsor he says3 in and 40 so I came in I didn’t damn the people I didn’t damn you program I simply felt I was a loser cuz you see I I had done everything and as as insane as that attempt was it was the most honest I could be at that time and this was strike to I only was a drunk I was an unsuccessful drunk and I sat out there and I felt that I would sit on my hands and play out the cards because it was hopeless but you see at this point something happens Bill refers the what his non- varable communication and I watch people who spoke off these lect turns like a hawk and most of them were living the life that they were talking couldn’t deny it I saw Pussycats who became who became tigerish and tigers who became a little catty and see and that’s why will brought me back yesterday because I approached one and I said how do I get what you have we all know what happened he said chapter 5 my son and I said stop that that’s rubbish he said you got to by the way he said doing things your way not only has made an unsuccessful drunk it’s almost ruined your life your way your way I met a friend who used to write for the films and he tells this story many years ago of for those of you who remember the older movies Edna May Oliver a very very aristocratic girl about 6 foot tall and she was working a scene with what he referred to as a young male on the scene was blown four times finally the young male anen turned to the Grand Dame and said this time we’ll do this my way and she looked down that aristocratic nose and said your way you don’t have a way you know I had just gotten to the point where these steps made a little sense to me when I took my header so I wanted to jump right back in and I said no no wait you know anything about him said I read I read I read the book I said well look understand one thing they’re the means to an end not an end in themselves they’re a journey and not a destination very impressive they told me that bill referred to them as the building blocks of sobriety they said that he broke them from six steps into 12 because he was afraid with those blocks that the drunks might fall between the cracks I was very impressed I felt very much like like the little boy who was in school and the teacher said if you have to go to the bathroom please raise your hand and the little kid said what the hell good is that going to do I said look look I’m not ready I’ve got I’ve got the slogans I’ve got the slogans this boom in voice behind me said look kid the slogans are first age you need major surgery my idea at this point I took this about as seriously even in the shape I was in for any who were of my generation my mother used to warn me quote if you wear your rubbers in the movies you will go blind and that is just about the way I I I I took these steps one one two and three in all I got into him it was sort of like rot I said you know I I did one I said no you didn’t do one I said look I said no no no listen please one you’re the sum total of your entire life and no matter what mountains you have climbed what success you’ve had it’s not exactly a swinging success coming through those doors didn’t like to hear it but you know didn’t argue didn’t argue they said you were resigned to being an alcoholic you didn’t accept it I didn’t see much difference I was an alcoholic they said you’re powerless over alcohol whether it’s in you or Not In You And as far as your life being unmanageable my friend if you look at what happened to you in 18 months it’s not unmanageable it’s unbelievable big book big book oh big thing where faith without works is dead you can’t you can’t talk yourself into them I said well how do I show that I have accepted it they said you’ll do something about it by going on to the next step what a brilliant answer these were the people that had my life in their hands I’m Irish and I got to share this they they tell a story about the Irishman who caught who caught the little leprechaun asked for the pot of gold and he said I’m I’m not a I’m not a poo leprechaun I’m I’m a three- wish leprechaun he said but one catch whatever I give to you I will double for your worst enemy Sweeney he said very well you should give me a 10 room house he had it Sweeney had a 20 and he mumbled he said your next wish he said 10 beautiful dancing girls Sweeney had 20 said Thank you Sean you’re not you’re not bad the little leprechaun said what is your final wish and looking over at Sweeney and his 20 beautiful Maiden he said you’ll double anything he said double anything he said reduce my sexual drive by 50% on into the next step two to Charge of the Light Brigade people say they had trouble with to you see for me it was a copout my life had become a Hara and a sewer and so when I could go to a group such as you and you could tell me I was off the norm when this took place I could buy it I could buy it very very very easily what you did for me as Willet said yesterday bad sick good well you told me that I wasn’t a bad guy trying to get good that I was a sick person trying to be well and right there you took that hair shirt off me you’re responsible I am but I was sick you handed it to me and it was beautiful and what it was for me it was a a Lifeline a Lifeline back to society you spliced it for me and that splice thank God is still there today but there’s only one thing about that splice back into life it’s soluble it will dissolve in alcohol three was a horror I had fallen away from everything I wanted nothing to do with God nothing to do with a higher power and I said hold up don’t confuse you yourself don’t Define anything threee was handed to me very very simply it told me what I did not have to do I didn’t have to define a God I just had to admit that there was something in this world greater than myself that I could no longer govern my own life I said you know thoughts and will what are you talking about some crazy he said look make it practical make it thoughts and actions to a spiritual code can you do that I said I can they said believe and go on looking back what the hell did I do 1 two three physical mental and spiritual I couldn’t sober up two God could sober me up three I let him it’s really that easy for I had fun with went back to that big over and said I did it I did it mentally did it up here did whole inventory he said how long it take about 20 minutes you know few things wrong nothing nothing major now we talk about charlatans and conmen in here way you hear this next one everyone waited for the crushing blow to fall but he didn’t he said John do you wish to help the suffering alcoholic I said of course he said look at it this way go and write down a little bit and maybe you could find one serious fault that way when you 12 step someone they’ll have some to identify with oh the K the K was beautiful fell for it right into it I was guided on every one of these steps I read that book and I went around and I asked you how did you do it because I wanted the key for me and if your answer was that you received joy and a great release I did exactly what you did I put my feet where you would put yours before me I didn’t experiment and so I found a person that said John the fourth step is not how many times you slept around or how much money you have stolen it is basically what drives you what makes John go love hate avarice and so I began writing down motive and it got painful and I just let it lay and and I don’t know if it took 18 days or 18 months but at the end of it I Met Myself I knew me and strangely enough I’m supposed to get my release on three but I got my release on four cuz I knew John For Better or For Worse I knew what I was I knew what made me tick and I promptly sat there enter back into this a beautiful young girl my wife’s baby sister carried around my neck when we were going together and here she was at the age of 19 with a busted marriage and hooked on drugs the baby of eight tore her father’s heart out and I was over a little over a year and we took her in and lo and behold Peggy was clean when she came to us you know what Peggy found the socially acceptable drug alcohol she could get a release and it was socially acceptable it was beautiful it was also instant alcoholic and if I went down fast off a cliff Peggy went down faster there was no addiction time she was shot from the Fresh drink it became so bad that the great God here one night came home and know I was going to have to commit her I didn’t want to put the horror back on her father and after all you’ll have to understand this kid was a hopeless alcoholic hopeless and I had been hidden in my horror of alcoholism not many has seen the scor Paragon brother-in-law go down into the gutter and as I walked into Peggy’s room to tell her we’re going to put her in the happy house a little voice said hey buddy who in the hell are you to tell anyone that they are hopeless who in the hell are you to use that word with your record and no matter what it cost you you’re going to go in there and you’re going to tell that kid what AA is all about and so I went in and if there’s such a thing as the beginning of spirituality for me it was telling her a story that no other human being has heard since or again I wanted to show her that she wasn’t bad that I could top her in Spades I didn’t preach I didn’t prti I talked as’s one poor devil and torment to another and it’s happy P comes into AA she goes to meetings she meets people and it’s wonderful one thing she saw the revolving door she was a kid people went in people came out why not she go back out another chance got a little older right not right P got one one shot went out 6 days later she was dead dead my wife’s beautiful baby kid Sister one shot one hate my wife hated me she hated every drunk who came through that door and she really hated those who came came through that door more than once absolute hatred and it was not a damn thing I could do about it pray and I said alanon saved my life in the beginning and thank God it saved my wife sanity because without those women to huddle around and hold her hand I just don’t know what would have happened I am deeply deeply in love with every alanon out there six talked about something shortcomings Character defects I found a few you see but it was all it said all that damn absolute I hate it absolute six all all of them they told me I couldn’t pick and choose they told me how to change or I would I would drink again oh ho we’ll hear the next one alcohol comes in people not in bottles I think that was three-fold again alcohol comes in people not in bottles the wi the wisdom of the ages off this kid i f it back I said very very smartly look about this change God made me this way maybe we better not tamper I was told very very bluntly that to hold on to any of these defects believing that they could cause me to drink again was quite possibly a cause of the Looney Bin the insanity maybe I better to go back you know do not pass go go back to step two and start over so I did exactly what you suggested I gave up conceit I gave up self-centeredness gave up temper not easy but I got rid of him like like that I said go leave me make me pure take me I’m yours this laughed for possibly 24 seconds 24 I don’t know how you know I didn’t learn a damn thing when I came back in here and they told me that that quite possibly I had missed the entire spiritual message of this program with the i i i i that it was a we program we we the love of one drunk for another nowhere in the steps did the eye appear here I did it again myself try it and so you see what I did on six was after complete and absolute frustration not even my sponsor treeold comes up Co of my life and he says all El fails follow instructions I said what are the instructions uh he said you know ask God I said get away from me get away from me in comes the ogre he said look John be sensible if you believe that something outside of yourself lifted that Obsession what else can this do if you’ll only ask he said you know the spiritual index I said in the front of the book index is in the front of the big book I read it three times he said no it’s in the back I said the front the back we f it he said go home and find it and it’s way way in the back little paragraph sneaky spiritual index and it simply says that there’s one blockage to all growth and one rule which will stop all learning and that is simply ridicule without investigation close-mindedness and so I simply got on my knees and said God please help me not for today but for 24 seconds or one second or for now just for now please God help me for now and I said I was and it shows up here again you see I was living a 24-hour program for drinking but a 24-hour program for living took me seven steps to get there most certainly eight had it all going for me couldn’t miss see 88 says something about uh you know writing making list and I got introduced to that word resentment they said do you have any resentments I said no not a one see right away cynic don’t listen not a one I was an advanced case what was bothering me was absolute hatred you know there were still people maybe going to shoot they said read it you’re illiterate so you got to do anything make a list and ask yourself what you got to do is not be a judge not be a juror not be a prosecutor you simply got to be a scribe you got to ask the question have you ever hurt anybody in your entire life do you want to do anything about it that’s all it says and then we come to the big one nine it says put your money where your mouth is actually and going back to those old times again forgetting all of the kid stuff what had I done on nine I had completely wrecked a family unit tore it to Pieces so you see while I had a a a relationship with my wife and a relationship with each of my kids we didn’t have a family unit so I went to a guy and I said how do I put this back together again expecting some more wisdom of the ages the answer came as follows the family that eats together stays together I thought this must be tref Fall’s brother there’s such a thing as fourfold here was another one he said what I’m telling you kid he said is just sit down at a meal and try not to give anybody the potatoes on the head who displease you and you know what it worked the individual relationship started getting back to being a family and so there we are we’re at nine and and the way those orans gave it to me you know they were all written in retrospect there you know look back and cry that’s it here you are at least 10 11 and 12 for today on 10 I got to be very very careful I I used to say you Housewives will understand this and did I get jumped they call me sexist chauvinist that was the nicest things they call me when I said that one night so please any feminist out there take notes you House people will understand this if I don’t put the garbage out on a daily basis it’s going to begin to smell and if it begins to stay there long enough it’s going to start to rat and so you say I’ve got to take that inventory continue to take it daily get rid of the garbage that’s all it’s telling me get rid of it kid it’ll kill you little ones little ones will pile up am I square with the house people 11 I thought was beautiful I I said I’m I’m employed by AT&T and my field is communication some fool told me that learning to communicate was learning how to listen that shows how little he knew but I read the 11 Step as follows quote thought through prayer and meditation to make God aware of my will beautiful just beautiful there it was hand it to me make God aware of my will broke my heart again seriously all I can say is that with the daily reprieve at first I I learned to pray for myself and then once in a while I could pray for somebody else and there has been some growth because now just once in a while when everything else has failed again I can pray for God’s will there has been a little bit of growth on 11 for me 12 the icing on the cake to me had to be in three pieces it said having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps what this gave me was a self that I could live with we try to carry the message to the suffering alcoholic a cause that I could live for and try to practice these principles in all of my Affairs a code that I could live by when I came in there was an old saying that said man takes drink drink takes drink and drink takes man and this drunk has come to believe that man takes steps steps take steps and steps take men and speaking to the committee before the talk began they said the the for matters for you to talk a little and they’re going to little listen a little and for God’s sake try to finish before they do got to show off this classic lit background Mark Twain put it another way he said that a a preacher came in and preached for the missions and he was at the he was so impressed with this man’s preaching he was going home take out a mortgage on his house and give it to the missions well he said this preacher went on for 5 hours he said at the end of that time I took a dollar out of the collection basket the Hopeless one came in with the simple faith of a child and I believed and I found my tooth fairy and I found Peter Pan and I found Tinkerbell in here I was blessed I want to phrase this properly my children allowed me to play with them as an AA baby and they say out of the mouth of children you can hear wisdom a few years ago I was taking them to a cultural event called Mickey Mouse on Parade we have since graduated to Bugs Bunny meets the superheroes but the two older kids who are approximately 5 years older than the baby thank me said thanks Dad for for taking us to see this and this little six-year-old kid said he didn’t take us he brought us with him there was a gentleman who devoted his life to Alcoholics Anonymous Bob H who was retired as the general manager of the general service office and hitch was reminiscing one night and he said quoted an opening conference dinner at one time Bill asked a rhetorical question could we wondered survive in a hopeless and perilous World should such a world someday confront us could we for example survive in a dictatorship and Bob Ended as follows I think we need have no fear let the cold winds blow as they must in the night darken you and I know a land where the light is bright and there’s a Stillness for the of the spirit a land we can live in for as long as we wish for it exists really only in our hearts it’s a magical land called Alcoholics Anonymous the good Lord I believe created AA for us may it be his will for us to keep it safe God bless you thank you and good morning thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day