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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> My name is Joshua.

I'm an alcoholic. >> Um well, I'm glad to be here. Um happy non-denominational religious holiday.

Uh I um I I I mean I really I'm glad to be here. I love this city like you care. Um but uh I've I've had a really eventful time getting here just immediately from the plane flight.

Um it was a very nice direct flight. Uh the man behind me uh vomited on me which was the only kind of like in-flight extra that I wasn't expecting. Um and uh I mean it's kind of one of those very clear messages to me which is you know don't be drunk and fly at the very least.

Um, and then I I get here and I'm I probably in the last week prior to coming here have gotten about 12 hours of sleep because of some stuff that had been going on with my family. And uh the first question that was asked of me was, "How do you feel about speaking tonight?" And um I I agreed, of course, but I said that if I do speak, you're probably going to get a very odd message. Um so I'm glad I didn't.

And uh I I also want to thank um the committee for having me here. Uh Bill and Natasha. Uh Natasha was the one that uh kind of uh found me in Toronto and uh the way she did it is she called central office uh to look for me.

And what happened is I just I get a call from a friend and they're like uh central office is looking for you. And I thought to myself, damn, it's finally happened. I'm getting kicked out of AA.

But uh thankfully it was uh the invitation to come speak here. And um I I want to thank uh my friend Serena for speaking on Friday. um really like in terms of the speaker rotation, she's kind of the hero of the of of the weekend.

And but I kind of feel that everything worked out really like perfectly because um between you and I, I am much more spiritual than Serena. And and uh frankly, it makes much more sense for me to be here right now. Um and uh I want to thank Katie, who is not here, for speaking last night.

And uh I mean, it's been there's really nothing I need to say uh this morning. Um, I'm not going to do that because that'd be kind of a waste. But, uh, and it was it was cool listening to Katie and I'm really glad she spoke last night because frankly I think I would have lost my crap if that like light show was going on.

That would have really kind of thrown me off. Um, but she handled it quite well. And uh, the message of Alcoholics Anonymous has been very clear.

And um, I like that she was courteous to kind of thank me for, you know, quote unquote surrendering Saturday night. Um, but frankly I mean there there is no like surrendering nights or anything. Um, I do this a little bit frequently.

I to this day I'm still not sure why um but I get the chance to attend a lot of conferences and um you know it's really exciting. I don't put a lot of weight into the idea that I personally am asked to speak. Um for me it's just like a free trip somewhere to be honest like uh that's that's like the cool thing for me is like free flying.

Um but uh it's kind of a wonderful opportunity to carry the message. But frankly, you know, this is my own opinion, but I think that speaking is probably one of the lowest forms of service in Alcoholics Anonymous, mostly because it's like the most impersonal way that I can carry the message. And um the book's pretty clear about that.

I mean, it talks about intensive work with other alcoholics and just one alcoholic talking to another. It doesn't say like one alcoholic talking to thousands of people. Now, um it's a cool thing like to be part of that.

I make no mistake, I'm privileged to be part of this and I'm privileged that anyone ever invites me to do anything because frankly, Alcoholics Anonymous is the only place that it's cool that I spent the majority of my life screwing up royally. Um, like this is the only organization that asked me to come share that with you. Like this isn't like Mensa.

No one's like asked me, "Hey, come tell us how you can destroy your life through alcoholic consumption." Um, and like this is one of the only places like where how badly I messed up my life and how badly I screwed people over is, you know, to a degree funny. And um, I I love the the laughter that happens in Alcoholics Anonymous because there is something like really profound about the fact that we can laugh. And it's very simplistic in the sense that all of us are essentially dying from a terminal disease.

I mean, there is no cure yet for al alcoholism. And um not to be a buzzkill or anything, but the reality also is that a significant amount of us will die that horrible alcoholic death. And myself included, I by no means am I exempt from that because I happen to be standing up here in a bow tie in a suit speaking to you.

Um and I mean that's kind of one of the cold realities of Alcoholics Anonymous. And yet somewhere in the treatment of alcoholism, we get to laugh. And um that's a pretty cool thing because by the time I came in here, very little was funny to me.

And um I would hear people laugh and I would wonder why it was that you were laughing like what was so funny. And um the strange thing was was when I began to turn my will in my life over to this thing and actually started doing it, I began to see where the humor lied in Alcoholics Anonymous. And um I mean truly laughter is a form of identification.

So if you're laughing at anything we say, it's possible that you're identifying with us. And the majority of us here are alcoholics, which may mean that you too are an alcoholic. Um there might be like, you know, family members, members of Alinons, uh uh non-alcoholic drunk drivers.

Um but, uh for the most part, we are all alcoholics. And um see, the good news is this is that here in Alcoholics Anonymous, we have a solution to the fact that you are suffering from a complete bankruptcy in regards to physical, mental, and spiritual. Like you are suffering from that.

we have a a a solution to that. Uh the bad news is you are suffering from that nonetheless. And um I was uh at the the history panel and uh listening to kind of just like the little tidbits of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And um for myself, I'm very fascinated by the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, if you ever want to see how it is that some divine intervention happened in an organization, it is the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean the co-founders of this program, this very spiritual program are basically a street hustler and a butt doctor.

Like these are the co-founders of our spiritual organization. And somewhere in the the meeting place of these two men, this is what happened. And I mean, whatever events took place to go from there to here, that's fascinating stuff.

And um I love just hearing about it. And and frankly like um you know this is probably one of the greatest times in in the history of the world to get sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. And um I do not know if that's true.

It might not be true. But you know if you're a newcomer more than likely you've had a lot of bad news lately. So I'm just trying to give you a glimmer of hope that yes, this is a great time to get sober.

Um I uh like I said, I'm an alcoholic. Uh my sobriety date is October 22nd, 1995, which means I'm a little over 13 years sober. Uh which is impressive if you're impressed by numbers lower than 14 and greater than 12.

Um my uh my home group is the primary purpose group in Toronto. Uh if you ever find yourself in our fair city, um you know, we have our meeting on Monday and Wednesday. Feel free to look me up, like tell me that you're coming and I'll give you my phone number.

And uh I have a uh sponsor. His name is Dan F. And uh I I tell you that simply because if you're new, I probably have your attention for about 5 more minutes.

And um some of the stuff that is going to help you stay sober before you have come to find that higher power that will substitute the alcohol in your life that currently right now is your higher power. Um is that I came in here and I surrendered to the idea that I needed to defer my will to something greater than myself. And what that looked like is I found a man who sponsored me.

I found a group that I could be accountable to and I started showing up. And it was those small actions that propelled me into what would eventually become the transformation that happened in this program. So if you're new, that's good stuff to learn.

find a sponsor. And um I've come from the lineage of sponsorship that it's much better that I have a sponsor that doesn't work out that well than me try to sponsor myself. Like just pick anybody.

And um the criteria that I used to pick my first sponsor was he had an afro which I found very fascinating. Um and he seemed like the kind of guy that would lend me money. And that was the criteria that um I used to pick my sponsor.

And fortunately, even with this very spiritual criteria, I found a guy who was capable of transmitting the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to me when I was still absolutely insane. And um that is a providence of grace that we talk about in this program. And I moved to uh Toronto from uh Southern California about 7 years ago.

I got sober in Southern California. My original home group was a Pacific Group. And um uh I I got this sponsor in Toronto.

Like I literally just picked him out. And uh he ended up being a guy that had also gotten sober in Los Angeles and had been a member of the Pacific Group at the same time I was. And we ended up knowing a lot of the same people and more or less he did not put up with anything from me.

And um one of the things he was fond of saying was he would say like just pretend you're a newcomer. And um I'd been an alcoholics long enough that I knew what the appropriate reply was. It was to enthusiastically say, "God, Gourd, that sounds like a great idea.

I'll do that." And then I would walk away and I'm like, "That's stupid. You pretend you're a newcomer, Gourd." and um and uh it was a guy that for whatever reason knew the messages that I needed to hear at that time. So my own recovery has been contingent on having a sponsor.

Um you know that's just my own recovery but it's been contingent on having a sponsor. And the other thing that has been extremely good in my uh sobriety is to have some type of meeting that I am accountable to whether it be in my home group or it just be some meeting where I am connected to the fellowship that comes to that meeting. And um Katie when she was speaking talked about meeting sobriety.

And um I know meeting sobriety like you go to the meetings, you hear what's being said, you filter it through your own head. It never comes out quite right. And then you just go about there and you live your life.

And the problem is if you're an alcoholic like me, that is not powerful enough to remove the obsession to drink and remove the insanity that is inherently within my mind as a result of being an alcoholic. Like I need something greater than just the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, for me, it is entirely necessary that I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And one of the requirements for me to do that is to attend meetings and to be accountable to a fellowship and be part of a spiritual community. That's what the meetings serve for me. Um, but just coming to meetings like that's never done me good enough.

Now, if it's working for you, I don't mean to insult you, like that's awesome. If it works for you, that's great. It just it never really worked for me.

And um and you know, that's the things that in a very simplistic way kept me sober in the beginning. Um I uh I was uh in the morning I went to meet some friends and one of the cool things about these conferences is I've gotten to know a lot of people in the time that I've been sober. Um I probably in most major cities in North America know at least a couple people um in this program.

Um I assure you it's not because I'm a likable person. Um it's just that at some point in time in my sobriety, I came to the realization that if I want to be here and I want to be happy and sober in my life, Alcoholics Anonymous is more or less my best shot at that. And so I turned my will and my life completely over to Alcoholics Anonymous and that was the end result of it that I got to be part of this fellowship in a way that I'd never understood.

And um I know a lot of people and the cool thing about coming to conferences is I'll always have that moment during the conference where I'm surrounded by people that I've known for sometimes a very short time or sometimes for nearly the entire time I've been sober. And it strikes me, dear God, we're all still here and alive. And when you've had that experience, like that is an incredible experience to understand that people like us are still here.

Like we're still alive and we're still happy to be that way. Because most of my friends and most of the collective people that I know in Alcoholics Anonymous, that does not happen. Like it honestly does not happen.

If you want to know what I'm talking about, go walk down Hastings of Maine and you can see how that does not happen for people like us. And um so I walked to Gastown this morning and uh you know I stared across the water because what kind of spiritual speaker would I be if I didn't stare longly across the water? And um and then I uh I met up with some friends and we were talking and um we were just kind of talking about my family.

I like talking about my family. Um I forgot to also mention I was 19 years old when I got sober. I'm incredibly grateful that I got sober at that young age.

Um, if you're young and you're sober, this is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Like, honestly, being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous more than likely will be the greatest feat that I do for my entire life. And um, if uh, and if you're young and like that sounds really dumb, I understand.

Like, I totally understand. And uh, what I would simply say is this. I consider myself at least a semi- intelligent person.

And if in the last 13 and 1/2 years of me being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, if there was nothing here, like if you honestly had nothing to offer me, I kind of think that I would have figured it out in 13 and 1/2 years. Like I honestly think that I would have figured that out in 13 and 1/2 years. Like maybe in the fourth year, I would have thought, you know what, you guys actually have nothing to offer.

But I never found that out. Like that's never been the truth of Alcoholics Anonymous for me. So if you're young and you're sober, again, this is the best thing you can possibly do if you are an alcoholic.

And um I was sitting with my friends and we were talking about my family. And I like talking about my family. My family is kind of crazy.

Um my parents are wonderful people. Like honestly just wonderful people. Um I was born in the Philippines.

Uh I was born to a very affluent family. Um there was a bit of an accident. That accident me being me born.

Uh my mother was 16 years old. She was an introvenous drug user. My father was 16 years old.

He was also an introvenous drug user. Um, in the Filipino culture when you are politically connected, it's kind of not cool to not only be a heroin user, but to have a baby out of wedlock. And so I was very quickly put up for adoption.

And um, my parents adopted me. Um, for lack of better words, the two people that adopted me were white people. And uh, they adopted me and speeded me to the United States of America.

And on top of adopting me, they also adopted five other Asian children. So, in conjunction with being incredible people, they also had something of an Asian fetish. And and my parents my parents are both my father's in his mid-60s, my mom is either Oh gosh, she's going to be 60 on the 15th.

So, my parents are in their 60s and they're one of those people where the older they get, the more interesting their lives get. Um, my father's done well fairly financially. He's now in a position in his life where he's thinking about retirement.

um they basically run these like extreme marathons uh and together and uh they're obnoxiously in love with each other and um you know that's my family and they raised us with good god-fearing like values and um for whatever reason I was the only kid that it just did not take with um for example uh one of my sisters she's like a a a first grade teacher in the community uh she has kids she's married she's like an upstanding member in her community um you know my brothers are doing well and Um, the sister that is most like me, um, her rebellion was to become a, uh, a professor at a Southern California university and teach, uh, liberal sociology. That was her rebellion. Um, mine was to sell crack cocaine and become homeless.

And this is the sister that was most like me. And so, I mean, it it shows the contrast of whatever happened in my family, like things just did not sit well with me. It just never quite took.

I was always a little bit different. And what I've come to find is, you know, for the time I've been here, most alcoholics talk about feeling different. Frankly, you know, I I do talk to other people who are not alcoholics, and a lot of people just feel different.

Like it's kind of the human condition to feel different. Um, we tend to treat our differences with very odd logic, but a lot of people do feel different. Um, one of the exceptions for me is when I drink, I don't feel different.

Um, that does not happen for the general populace. Not everyone feels that way when they immediately take a drink or more, when I just think about drinking, I stop feeling quite so different. Also, I like to say, if you haven't yet already noticed, I talk kind of fast.

Um, this is not because I'm nervous. I um it's because my head moves very quickly. Like, my thoughts just move very rapidly.

I assure you, this is not because I'm intelligent. Um, most of my thoughts uh revolve around elaborate disguises I can wear in candy. Um, they just happen to move very quickly.

Uh when I was uh talking to my first sponsor, I was telling him about like my heyday of drinking and using and uh at a point in time I was homeless in Seattle and what I had done was I'd stolen a blank doctor's prescription script and was filling out these bogus prescriptions and uh going all over the town and getting this prescription medication. Um if you're new that doesn't work anymore, so don't try it. Um and uh my favorite particular combination was uh things like demoral methamphetamines and Jack Daniels.

Um, essentially what that does is it makes you say a lot of stupid things very quickly. Um, when I told my sponsor about that, he told me that unfortunately that seems to not be permanent with me. So, um, I apologize in advance.

Um, so here I am at a young age, I feel different, such as, "Hey, why are your parents white and you're not?" So, comments like that made me feel a little bit different and I treated my, you know, my differences with odd means. I was a very precocious child. None of my child thy therapists use that word to describe me.

They use things like obsessive and narcissistic. Um but uh some of the things that I like to do when I entered a room, it was incredibly important for me to lick my finger and touch adults on their bare skin. Um it was also important that they didn't see me do this.

Um I also immediately took mental inventory of all the metal objects in the room. Um if I had time, I would also lick my finger and touch them, but that wasn't necessarily necessary. Um and I often like to conduct experiments with um electricity in my own urine.

And so what had occurred is prior to ever taking my first drink, I was in dire need of some sort of treatment to the condition that I was suffering from. And that condition was just simply my own self-centeredness. Um, one of my favorite toys when I was growing up was this Matchbox set.

It was a series of like plastic tracks that you'd kind of assemble in this intricate set of tracks. And um, it was a little metal box and you'd throw the Matchbox car in that box. It had a crank on the side and you would turn that crank.

And as you turn the crank, the wheels on the toy car would start spinning. And when you pulled open the gate, the car would just take off. And that was my brain prior to take, you know, drinking alcohol.

And the magic for alcohol is when I took my first drink, it was like that gate had been lifted and I hit the tracks running. And that's what it was like for me. And um my first drink at the age of 10 years old was very appropriately vodka and Kool-Aid.

Um I uh I had got invited to that epic party as a youth. And um what time is it? And uh some of you may have been there.

It was at Dan Dustin's house. And we were drinking vodka and Kool-Aid. And we were shooting fireworks at cars, which in the state of Colorado is illegal.

And so the cops started chasing us, which I felt was an overreaction, but kind of fun. And they they cornered us in a creek and um they surrounded us, all two of the cops. And they started asking us our names.

And now my friends were visibly shaken up by this because we all assumed we were going to jail because that's the logical idea of cops showing up. You're going to jail even though you're 10 years old. And all of my friends were shaken up.

And as soon as the cop would ask one of my friends name, they'd give it up willingly. And um when the cop got to me, for the first time in my life, I felt the effects of alcohol. And normally in a position like this, my blood would run cold and I would be absolutely paralyzed by fear.

If there was ever a description of what it was like for me growing up, it would be paralyzed by fear. I didn't know it at that time, but I was absolutely paralyzed by fear. It was like I would wake up and a voice would start in my head, hey, what are you going to be afraid of today?

And that was like, you know, what I woke up with every morning. And um when the alcohol hit me, it was like my blood caught on fire. When the cop turned to me and said, "Son, what's your name?" I said, "Sir, my name is Richard Head." And he kind of cocked his eye and said, "Son, are you trying to tell me that your name is Dickhead?" And um I said, "Well, sir, I've always preferred Richard." And the cops kind of turned to each other and laughed and they let us go.

Now, more than likely, they were going to let us go. But as me and my friends stumbled away, we were convinced that we had just escaped inevitable incarceration because of what I had just done. And um they were patting me on the back and telling me that that was the most awesome thing that they'd ever seen.

And I knew it. I mean, I knew to the depths of my soul that that was the most awesome thing they would ever see, ever. Like um for me, that was my first kind of spiritual booya.

It was like God himself had come down and give me a high five. That's what that felt like. Um, and when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, one of the things that allowed me to stay here was the intentional verbiage that you guys use to describe the spiritual experience.

Because every time you would talk about that psychic change or that spiritual experience that we talk about our literature, it would be the best descriptor of what it was like for me to drink alcohol when it still worked in my life. For example, the definition we use for the psychic change or the spiritual experience is a profound alteration in the way that we react to life. A profound alteration in the way that we react to life.

That sounds a lot of what it was like to drink alcohol when it was working for me. That is perhaps the best definition of the effect of alcohol on me when it worked. A profound alteration in the way that I reacted to life.

And to this day, nothing has ever substituted that power in my life. Nothing quite worked for me like the alcohol did, except for the heroin, the crack cocaine, and the marijuana, and all that other stuff I did. But nonetheless, nothing else in my life was capable of enacting that instantaneous transformation in the way that I perceived you.

Nothing acted like that. And that's probably one of the things that makes me an alcoholic is the way that the alcohol affected me so instantaneously. The way it changed my perception and the willingness that I would go through intentionally or not intentionally to chase that effect.

And that's basically the story of my alcoholism was the pursuit of that effect regardless of what happened to me. The great sacrifices I would make in my life to chase that effect that I had when I was 10 years old. And when we come in here, we'll use descriptors to say you were grandiose and immature, which all of us are very offended by.

For example, for me, just because I had spent a large portion of my life pursuing a moment that I had when I was 10 years old did not make me grandiose and immature. I am just a little more nostalgic than the average person. And what happened for me is uh perhaps because of genetics, perhaps because of whatever, I went downhill very quickly.

And um at 17 years old, I had been at that point drinking for 7 years. I was serving a 2-year incarceration in a state institution. I was at that time in um uh solitary confinement for what would be 3 months.

And um both my eyes were black, my knuckles were broken, and my nose was broken. And I was there for what the state was calling grand theft auto and flight from a stateapp appointed institution which is illegal. And um in the midst of uh getting my ass kicked by the counselor in there because I was refusing to stand a marit which was what they call it when you're in solitary confinement in this institution.

The only thing you have to do is spend 8 hours standing against the wall. Now that seemed like a simple request but I had refused to do it because I'm defiant. And um the counselors in their spiritual way of trying to convince me were beating me in and out of consciousness.

And I had this moment of clarity. You know, you know that moment of clarity you have when you're suddenly like, "Hey, how'd this happen?" And that was uh the moment of clarity that I had. And in that moment, I suddenly realized that things had at some point in time taken a turn that I had never quite predicted.

And I want to tell you about what it is that led me into that institution. By the time I was 16 years old, I felt that the only way out of my lifestyle was suicide. I absolutely hated myself.

I was quite literally at this time a daily drinker and a daily drug user. I could not get out of my lifestyle and I had no idea why I was doing the things that I was doing and so I attempted suicide. Um, one of the common factors that I find in most alcoholics is by the time we get here we hate ourselves.

I don't know quite why that is but one of the things that I pay very close attention to is that we say that self-centerness is the root of our problems. And what I try to remember is by the time I came to this program, I was suffering from a form of self-centerness so severe that it was quite literally killing me. And that's a very serious thing because there's very few other illnesses out there that are affected by self-centerness in the way that alcoholism does.

And um I think the fact that I hated myself so badly that suicide would become an alternative viability at the age of 16 has something to do when we say self-centerness is the root of all of our problems. And um when I told my first sponsor the details of the suicide attempt, he told me that God forbid if I ever get the chance to share my story in uh in an audience that I'd relay the details of the suicide attempt back verb forbatim because he felt it was a wonderful example of God working in my life at a time that I did not believe in God and nor would have wanted him to work in my life. And um what happened is I tried to kill myself with carbon monoxide poisoning.

I'd stolen a van, uh, stolen a hose, uh, put it into the exhaust pipe, looped it back into the van, sat back, turned on the van, and waited to die. And I remember as the fumes from the carbon dioxide began to creep into the interior of the van, and I began to lose consciousness for the first time in my life, I felt a sense of peace and serenity that I had never felt before. And um, it's my understanding that you can only feel that way living the way that I was living if you've completely lost the ability to hope and dream.

And um, that was my life at the age of 16 when the alcohol was still working. And uh when I came into this uh program and I began to read your literature, there's a particular line that jumped out at me and it was painful, incomprehensible demoralization. And at one point in time when I was trying to kill myself, I came to and realized that I wasn't dead.

So I took the hose off the floor of the van, put it directly into my mouth, sucking off it in the hopes that it would kill me faster. And again, that was my life at the age of 16 when the alcohol was still still working. I knew intimately what painful, incomprehensible demoralization was.

I could not get out of here fast enough. And um what happened is I had parked this van in what I thought was an abandoned business complex. Um I was wrong.

Much like a lot of things in my life, I was wrong. And um this group of people came into work for their first working lives ever on a Sunday. They went in through the front.

This one guy was late. He came in through the back. He said as he was opening the door, he looked over, saw the van, and had a strange feeling come over him.

So he came over to investigate. Uh very quickly, he found me and realized what I was doing, turned off the van, and dragged me into the office. Um, I was in and out of consciousness at that time and I really don't remember that much with the exception that I remember quite clearly that the guy who found me at some point in time telling me that he believe that God sometimes gives us the opportunity to write what was once wrong and that years ago his brother had committed suicide.

Um, I was still pretty pissed off that they'd screwed up my own suicide attempt. So that kind of went over my head. But years later when I would find myself as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous being sponsored by a guy who knew how to work these pro um these steps, I would be asked to make amends to these people and I would remember him saying that to me.

Um I remember my father walking in with the paramedics and he was crying and um I'd always pictured my father as this kind of very emotional stoic person. I'd never actually seen him cry and I remember as I saw him do it, I absolutely despised myself. Um, I I could not have hated myself anymore in that moment.

And I wanted more than anything to either be dead or drunk. And I say that because at the time that I made the decision to kill myself, I was stone cold sober. The reason that's important is because for the 13 and 1/2 years that I have been sober, I have basically found two alternatives to active alcoholism.

The first is dying because obviously dying shuts off this disease. And the other is this. Now, I know and it says in our big book that we do not have a monopoly on recovery.

This isn't necessarily the only way to get sober. But for me, it's been the only way. And um if you've reached a point in your life and you are at that jumping off point where the only viable alternatives in your life I either are either killing yourself or becoming a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and that is a really really difficult decision for you.

We understand. I mean we really understand that. And um when I got came into Alcoholics Anonymous, some of the impetus of me getting sober is I was convinced that the sheer pain and misery of being sober in AA would give me the you know the courage to kill myself.

And that was partially why I got sober. And um I used to think that's a horrible reason to get sober. But what I've come to find is that's probably one of the best reasons and probably one of the most common reasons that alcoholics of our variety try to get sober because the only all other alternative is death.

And that's actually seeming like a pretty cool deal. And um what happened is I was rushed to the hospital and the doctors tried to explain what I had done to myself. Um they said an average human would have a carbon dioxide level of a two or three.

When I came in my level was at a 30. And um they said I was quite literally moments away from dying. Uh there's no logical reason why I'm still alive.

And um I I I like to believe that I'm somewhat on borrowed time. And the reason I like this particular story and this fellowship is by no means is that an uncommon story. I'm pretty convinced that each and every single one of us can think back at a time as to why there's no logical reason why you should be so fortunate to be sitting here this afternoon sober and alive.

And see, that is the great providence of grace that lies in Alcoholics Anonymous is there is no reason why any of us should be here like sober and alive. I mean, honestly, it just doesn't happen for people like us. And um I try to remember that on a daily basis because I have deep fears of what would happen if I forgot about that.

Um, and so my parents realized that if they didn't do something drastic, I would I would kill myself. And that's how I ended up in that institution. I was released by the time I was 18 years old.

And I really identified with Katie when she said that she cheated her way through high school. Um, I also cheated my way through high school. Um, by the time I was 16, I was also asked by the state to stop using computers because of some of the things that I was doing, which were apparently illegal.

Um, during the time that I was institutionalized by the state, I took it upon myself to hack into their school mainframe. And as a result, I graduated high school with a 3.56 GPA. Um, which to this day I'm still pretty damn proud of.

Um, unfortunately like Katie, the problem is I never got an education. Um, I um I told my sponsor that when I was doing my amends and he said, you know, in some way you have to actually make amends for that. So I called up someone that was affiliated with the institution that I was in and told him what I had done.

Um, after a moment's pause, he said to me, you know, I figure if you were smart enough to do that, you probably could have graduated high school anyway. Good luck in college. and um and and you know I've been in the continuous process of trying to rectify my academic situation and trying to seek a higher education and you know that's been a wonderful part of my own recovery.

Um so what happened is I was released when I was 18 years old. I was completely psychotic. The place that I had been institutionalized in had been on and off shut down by child protection agencies because of the rampant accusations of physical and sexual abuse.

And I was absolutely psychotic by the time I was released at 18 years old. And um I could not kill myself fast enough. And uh through a series of uh poor timing and bad luck, I found myself homeless in Seattle, sitting in a car next to a guy that I would have been convinced was my friend moments before.

He was pressing the cold steel of a gun against my head and threatening to kill me. And um I knew he wouldn't or he would. I had liberated some product from him and he was not taking kindly to that.

And um in the moment that he was pressing the gun against my head and threatening to kill me, the thoughts that were going through my head were, "Please just pull the trigger. Please just pull the trigger. I hate myself.

Um, I don't know why it is that I do the things that I do. When I wake up and I see the sunlight coming in through the crack of the corrugated steel that is covering the dumpster that I am now living in, and I wander the streets of Seattle and I'm fortunate enough to catch a reflection of myself in a storefront window, I cringe in disgust with the fact that I lacked the courage to blow my own head off. Please just pull the trigger.

And that's what I was thinking. And at the exact same time that I was thinking that, the other thought that was running through my head was, I wonder if I can pop the door handle and roll out of the car before he can pull a trigger. And see, that is a great dilemma of my alcoholism.

I lack the power to propel my life in any direction that seems to lead in any sort of positive way. I lack power. And it says that in our literature, it's one of the most spiritual lines probably in the world.

Lack of power was our dilemma. And see, that's why the alcohol was so important in my life. That was my power.

And for a very long time, it worked. Well, actually, not that long. I got sober when I was 19 years old, but for a very long time at the age of 19 at works and um and I heard Serena uh years ago at a young people's conference and she said something that has sat with me ever since I heard her and um I'm going to paraphrase this so I'm sorry Serena if it's not what you said.

By the way, that was a really good talk years ago. Um but um what she said is she's not sure if the planets and the stars will ever align in such a way that will compel her to against all odds and against her better judgment want to get sober because why is it that people like us suddenly want to get sober? I mean our lives are bad but my life had been bad for a long time.

Why is it that I suddenly want to get sober? Why is it that I suddenly understand there might be a problem with the way I drink? Why is it that I've suddenly surrendered to the idea that I need to let go of the alcohol if I want what I don't have?

Why does that happen? Like, I honestly don't know and I'm not willing to chance that because it finally happened to me and I hit bottom. And my bottom was simply the painful, undeniable realization that I was not who I thought I was.

And what happened for me is the alcohol and the drugs ceased to work in my life in the way that they used to. In as much that no matter how drunk I got, I knew exactly who I was, exactly where I was going. And for some ungodly reason, I was no longer okay with that.

and the alcohol had ceased to work in my life in the way that it used to. That was my bottom. And if you're here in this program, my guess is you've had something very similar to that.

That moment when you suddenly realize with that gut-wrenching awareness, that hyper awareness that happens to us, this isn't working. And if I run, I have nowhere else to go. Why does that happen?

We talk a lot about spirituality. We talk a lot about the providence of God. And we talk a lot about faith and grace.

I don't know why that happened for me and like my whole deal is I'm not willing to question that enough to find out if it will ever happen again. Now, I understand that one of the common experiences on Alcoholics Anonymous is to come in and out of this program. I did not stay sober from the first meeting that I came in here, but I caught the message fairly quickly.

By the age of 19, I had quite literally lost everything. And now, granted, at the age of 19, it's really not that hard to lose everything, but nonetheless, I had lost everything. And I had arrived to that point where I was willing to surrender to somebody else to see if I could get something that I'd never had and that was happy sobriety.

And um that eventually led me into working the steps. Um now one of the most effective way what time do I stop? >> Really?

>> Whenever. >> Yeah. 12.

>> You really shouldn't say that. Okay. Um one of uh the most effective ways that I found to talk about my own recovery is to talk about all 12 steps and how they've applied to my life.

Now granted, this is only my own experience and quite often it's a little bit of my own opinion. Um I inherently distrust any alcoholic that gets up to the podium and says, "I'm not going to talk about my opinion at all for the entire time." Like I think that's impossible for most alcoholics. Um if opinions were a source of power in Alcoholics Anonymous alone, we would be capable of, you know, generating enough energy to power a small planet for like 5.3 billion years.

So like honestly, I lack the ability to not share my opinion after about 5 minutes. Now, what I'm going to try to do is be quite clear when I am stating my opinion and also try to base it only on my own experiences. I say that for this reason.

Um, if you have not yet had an experience with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I really encourage you to find your own because if there's anything in here, that's what we have, the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. This fellowship is incredible. Absolutely incredible.

These meetings are incredible. These conferences are incredible. But if we didn't have something real, something spiritual to back them up, then this conference would just be a show.

I mean, it would quite literally just be kind of like a concert or entertainment. And for some people, it is, and that's cool. But I think there's something much deeper and much more substance that lies in here.

And I believe that's the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, before I talk about those, I just want to make a quick mention of the traditions. You know, the best kept secret of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Um, I uh I like the traditions. You always get to this point in sobriety where it becomes cool to say, "I like the traditions." Like, as if they're better than the steps. I like the traditions.

They're more important than the steps. Um anyway, I started discovering a bit about the traditions. Uh one of the ways I did this is as a form of amends to I guess old people.

Um I had to drive circuit speakers around in Los Angeles that were too old to drive themselves to the meetings that they were speaking at. This one lady that I often drove around was a name uh was a lady by the name of Marie. She had 55 plus years of sobriety at that time.

I don't know if she's still alive, but she was around when Bill W was still alive. And she went to meetings before the traditions have been fully instated. They existed.

They just yet haven't taken root in the meetings. and she would tell me about Alcoholics Anonymous prior to these traditions really existing. And unbeknownst to me, this program was not the all-inclusive place that it is today.

Um, it used to be highly exclusive. There are meetings that were segregated by race. There are meetings that were segregated by sexual orientation.

There are meetings that were segregated by business affiliation, by religion, by you name it. A lot of variables that were often quite out of control of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous. And Bill W and some of the other founders realized in their wisdom that if something wasn't done, we would die.

Because if alcoholics could not at the very least be exposed to this message through the meetings, our lifeblood would run cold. And so they came up with the traditions and these are the things that I believe tra protect our fellowship from ourselves from our own self-centered interests that exist even after working the steps and finding a spiritual way of life. And I like to think about the primary purpose of carrying the message to the other alcoholic.

This is one of the most powerful things in my spiritual toolbox. Um it is one of the reasons that meetings work in my life. Um, see what I've come to find is after 13 years of sobriety, often a lot of my problems reside solely in my head.

Literally, my problems reside in my head. Like just what I'm thinking of, that's my problem. And I go to a meeting like I go to my home group and suddenly, you know, I've studied the traditions and I realize that the moment I walk into that meeting, my primary purpose in my home group is to attempt to carry the message to the still suffering alcoholic.

That is my primary purpose. And when I align myself with that primary purpose, something shifts in my head. And when that happens, almost magically, my problems go away.

And that's one of the reasons the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous work for me is because it quite literally removes my problem. And it talks about that in the book. It doesn't say God's going to figure out a way to manage our problems.

It just simply says our problems will be removed. And that's one of the ways it happens. And um that's one of the reasons I respect the traditions.

Um now the steps I um I came in here and obviously the first step I worked was step one. And uh three very simple questions were asked me. Uh that first question was do you find that when you drink you have little to no control over the amount that you drink.

Uh what my sponsor was asking me was do I think that I suffer from the phenomenon of craving that physical allergy that sets in my body once I take that first drink? And I knew that was true. I knew the first moment that I started drinking for whatever reason I was physically compelled to continue drinking much different than all of my other friends because I would hear that the reason I'm an alcoholic is I drank to get drunk.

I started drinking when I was 10 years old. And I can assure you that me and my 10-year-old friends, the only reason we drank was to get drunk. It wasn't like we'd acquired a taste for whiskey.

I'm Asian and 10 years old. I didn't even have pubic hair. It wasn't like I'd acquired a taste for alcohol.

I was drinking to get drunk. And um but the thing that began to separate me from possibly my other non-alcoholic friends is I quickly came to find that when I drank, I had to get drunk. And with them, it was almost like a choice.

Like they could drink and decide, hey, I don't don't want to get drunk, so I'll stop. That seemed to be a choice that I always lacked. Like I never had that.

So I knew the answer to that question was yes. And the other question that he asked of me is when I honestly want to do I find that I cannot stay sober on my own. And what he was talking about there was the mental obsession.

The fact that in every sober waking hour the most paramount thought as in the thought that pushes away all other thoughts is how can I get drunk regardless of whether or not I want to drink. And that's a problem like I suffer from that in sobriety. That's what happens to me when I am not drinking is the only thought is how can I drink?

And the weird thing is I don't even know that's happening until I pick up that drink and it starts going off again. And I answered yes to that because I become aware of the fact that that was happening in my life. And then the last most important question that was asked of me was do you find or no, do you like the way that you're living?

And that was kind of one of the most important questions because I hated the way I was living. I mean that's why I come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I absolutely hated the way that I was living.

And what he was talking about there was a spiritual malady. The fact that when I am sober and when I am drunk, what I feel is a state of irritability, restlessness and discontentedness. That is my state of drunkenness and sobriety.

Irritability in the sense that I am quickly angered, quick to frustration. Um, discontented in the sense that I cannot rest any satisfaction or happiness out of the way that I live. And um, what the hell is the other one?

Restless in the sense that I cannot find any ease or comfort. And that is the most inherent state of sobriety and drunkenness for me. Like that is a problem.

that is a spiritual mality if that is what I am suffering from. And so I did my step one there and we talk a lot about like the revolving door of Alcoholics Anonymous and I understand that conceptually. What that means is the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous are always open to anyone who has a desire to stop drinking or at the very least has a suspicion that they might have a problem with drinking.

However, that does not mean that if you relapse you get the fortitude to come back. Like there's no guarantee that that's going to happen. One of the most disturbing conversations I had in this program was with a guy that was kind of this iconic figure in Southern California after 14 years sober or something.

He got drunk and he would spend several months coming in and out of this program. Sometimes getting 30 days, sometimes getting 60 days, but he never could get any significant amount of sobriety. And from all outward appearances before he had gotten drunk, he was a solid member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And one day I kind of pulled him inside and I asked him like, "What the hell's going on? Like why are you doing this?" And he said to me, "Whatever it was that I first heard when I came into this program, whatever magic it was that I heard, I don't hear anymore. I keep coming back, but I just don't hear it.

I hear the words that are coming out of your mouth, intellectually, I understand you, but it holds no weight anymore." And if there's ever a hell, like a complete absence of God, I think that for an alcoholic who has at some point in time experienced happy sobriety, that's hell. To come into Alcoholics Anonymous, the one place that has ever afforded me a state of peace and serenity and not hear the magic that's here, not feel the spirituality that we emanate in these rooms. That would be hell for me.

And that could be me. Like I could be the guy that goes back out and just keeps trying to come back in and just doesn't hear it any longer. Like that is a powerful message for a person like me.

I have no idea whether or not I'll get to come back in if I go out. And um that is the powerlessness that I suffer from as an alcoholic. And the logical thing finding that I'm powerless is to move on to step two and is to find a power that can restore me to sanity.

And um I was very stupid when I came into this program. And uh fortunately my sponsor often used simple analogies based on my past to help me understand the steps. And um for step two uh I uh I saw like you know I saw the big book and it said God and then it changed a higher power and I'm like you know I have a fake high school diploma.

I'm not stupid. I know that you're talking about God. And um I went to my sponsor and I said, you know, I can't do this.

I don't I don't believe in God. And if I do believe in God, like he's not a guy that wants to do anything with me. I can't do this step.

And so he used a story that I had told him to help me understand this step. Uh for the two years that I was institutionalized, it was kind of a general rule of thumb that when you were in the doctor's office, if you saw anything that looked like prescription medication, you stole it, obviously. And um I was in the doctor's office.

I saw this box of medication. On the box, it showed two old people walking down the beach hand in hand. and had the words for the ease of pain and discomfort.

I stole it assuming it's mus muscle relaxance because I'm intelligent. Um I brought it back to the institution. Being the spiritual being that I am, I shared it with my friends.

Um about an hour later, we suddenly realized the two old people walking down the beach hand in hand and the words for the ease of pain and discomfort. We'd all just relapse on prescription strength laxatives. And um for the next couple hours, we turned our will in our lives over to a power greater than we understood.

The reason my sponsor used that particular example is I had told him that I'd never had faith in anything. And what he informed me was it was not the quantity of faith that I lacked. It was a quality of faith.

Like I needed to find something that was worth having faith in. And what he meant by that was at that moment when the alcohol and the drugs were still working in my life, the only evidence I had needed to act on faith was two old people walking down the beach hand in hand in the words for the ease of the pain, discomfort. And instantaneously I turn my will in my life over to that convinced that it would take me where I wanted to go.

That is faith. And um what I love about the beautiful wording about this particular step is the only suggestion we make on your higher power is it be something that you understand and it be something that can restore you to sanity and that's it. And I could do that like I believed in my sponsor.

That was enough in the beginning. And the book even says that the only concessions, the only surrender we have to make is we have to come to believe that living the way that we are living does not work. That's all we have to believe in the beginning.

Because when we really do that, then we're going to become willing to surrender ourselves to something that's beside our own will. And when we do that in Alcoholics Anonymous, more than likely, we're going to be put in touch with the power that can restore us to sanity. And that's what happened for me.

And I moved on to my third step. And um you know, I just surrendered to this program. And really what that looked like in my third step, having made that decision, all I had to do was start doing my fourth step.

It was really that simple in the beginning. Having made that decision to turn my will in my life over to my higher power, which honestly at that time was Alcoholics Anonymous and my sponsor was start doing my four step. And um over the years, my own idea of what God is has evolved into something that I can really do business with.

And I'll talk about that later. But in the beginning, all I had to do was start working my forep. And I began to make that inventory in the way that it's detailed in our book.

And um here's the thing about resentments. I was very unclear as to what's anger and what's resentments. Um for example, like if I hit my thumb with the hammer, my most instantaneous reaction is probably going to be anger.

Like goo hammer. And you know that's very normal. That's a very human thing to be angry at the hammer even though I'm the one that hit my finger.

And then after that, I don't think about it. A resentment is after hitting my hammer or my finger with the hammer. I'm like you hammer.

I throw it across the room and the next two weeks I think about how I'm going to find that hammer and everyone that hangs around with that hammer and I'm going to them up. That's a resentment. And see that's what I suffered from.

I would drive to meetings and I would have these wars in my head with people that were in my group. And by the time I arrived to the meeting, I was pissed off at people in my group for these arguments that had occurred in my head. And you know that's what I was living with.

And like that's a problem. Like you need to anesticize yourself in some way if that's your way of living. And for the long time, alcohol did that for me.

And you remove the alcohol, I am just really pissed off. And the inventory was the first process that began to remove that from me, that poison that saturated every single perception of everybody in my life. And I made that inventory and I brought it to my sponsor.

And um we began going through that. And at the end of the inventory, my sponsor looked at me and he said, "Now tell me all the things that you didn't write down." And to this day, it amazes me that my sponsor said that because he had like 3 years of sobriety at that time. And um no offense to anyone with three years of sobriety.

This is kind of just a joke. But um I sponsor guys with three years of sobriety and I don't really even trust him around open flames. But um the fact that he knew to say that to me and the fact that it was true.

I had not written down a lot of stuff. But um there were a lot of stuff that happened to me when I was homeless. It was a lot of stuff that had happened to me when I was a kid and I was institutionalized.

It was a lot of stuff that I was deeply ashamed about and just humiliated about. It was the kind of stuff that I had convinced myself there was no reason to tell another man this had happened to me just to stay sober. There's no logical reason why I should have to do this.

And yet at the end of that inventory, it suddenly occurred to me for whatever reason. If I want what he has, and I began to realize what he has is happy sobriety, I needed to come clean for the first time in my own life. And against my better judgment, I began telling him these things that I was deeply ashamed about.

And um after telling him these things, my sponsor was uncharacteristically quiet. And he said to me, "For what it's worth, I'm sorry these things happen to you. Uh perhaps in a perfect world, these things wouldn't really happen to any kid, and I'm sorry these things happened to you, but fortunately for you, these are no longer an excuse to live the way that you were living." And I heard that like, and it amazes me that I heard that because I am not the person that hears that kind of stuff.

Every time that I think back and I can recall hearing something that my sponsor said and understanding what he said, it amazes me that that happened for me. That is the divine providence of grace that exists here that I understood what he was saying and I believed him and that was the first time that I felt the liberation that we talked about in here. It was the first time that I realized that I was accountable for the way that I that I acted.

And see the reason that was liberating is because I had believed that in order for me to ever find happy sobriety, you all needed to change because you were my problem. And the only way I could ever get this was obviously if you guys all changed. And the problem with that is that those are impossible conditions to be met.

And so the good news today is this. The only person that needs to change for me to stay sober is me. And having pound found a power that I could do business with, I began to realize that that was possible.

I began to realize for the first time in my entire life that I could change. And um see, it's funny. I Serena was talking about how many of alcoholics are phenomenal even when they're drinking.

Like I am not one of those phenomenal alcoholics even when I'm not drinking to be honest. Um but I I kind of find there's two types of alcoholics. which is the kind of alcoholic much like Serena who goes out there and does amazing things even when they're drinking and then through a series of senseless sprees tears that down again and again and again to the point where they can no longer build it back up.

And then there's the kind of alcoholic is as a result of their alcoholism. They never gain anything. And that was me at the age of 19.

I'd never accomplished anything and I knew I would never accomplish anything. Um, I have no recollection as to why I just said that, but anyway, that was the kind of alcoholic that I was. And when I realized that I could change, that was the first time that I realized I could change.

I mean, I I believed that I could not change the way that I was living. And that is a hopeless state of living. And um, after having done these two steps, I moved on to my six and seven.

And my six and seven are simply coming to that realization that I have so many character defects that nothing short of divine intervention will be able to restore me to any sort of semblance of normality of life. And the example that I like to use and I borrow heavily from a guy that I know named Sandy B is um you know for whatever reason I sponsor like an army of guys and um every so often uh they stay sober and they get a medallion and um at our meetings we celebrate medallions. So they get up there and um they take their cake.

Uh they say something semi intelligible. Uh people, you know, start applauding because that's what you do. Um and they thank their sponsor and I sit in my sponsor seat looking all sponsor-like.

And um in a moment of divine spirituality, it it I become very aware of the fact that the reason my sponsor sponsor stayed sober is because he has a sponsor. And um I happen to be that sponsor. So really all the applause that you're giving to him should be coming to me.

And um that's my definition of you know spiritual pride. Um what I'm actually looking for is gratitude. What I'm looking for is the gratitude that somebody actually wants what I have today.

What I'm looking for is the gratitude that I actually have something that is worth giving to another person. What I'm looking for is the gratitude that today I am of purpose and use in another purpose person's life in a way that I was never able to be of. I am of purpose and use in another person's life which I have never been.

I mean honestly by the time I came to this program I had never been that way. By the time I arrived here you may identify with this. I had all these grand schemes and plans about how I was going to better my life and your life.

And what would happen is I would execute these plans and my life would get worse and your life would get just worse. And like that's a problem when all my best ideas are simply making everybody's life worse. And that's what I came here with.

And um as a result of these steps and trying to pursue a transformation through giving my defects over to my higher power to be of use to other people, my life has transformed. And we talk about that. We talk about our stories being affected to other alcoholics because it gives them the ability to identify with us.

We talk about all the crap that I personally have gone through has been put to use. I mean, specifically put to use to other men in this program. I can't tell you the amount of times I've sat down with another alcoholic and shared something very personal.

There's a lot of stuff that I do not share from the podium and very rarely share ever publicly in meetings that one-on-one I will share with another person because I'm convinced it will help them. And a lot of these guys stay sober and they tell me that it's helped them. And I know that's not me.

What that happened is I've worked these steps and I've come to realize that the only freedom that I'm going to find is if I'm willing to use my past as a way to help other people. And that's truly six and seven. When these defects of character, these things that have always served to separate me from everybody else are used to somehow better another person's life.

That's the transformation that happens in six and seven. And then I moved on to my eighth step and I began making that list of the people that I had harmed. And I brought that list to my sponsor and we sat down in his Mercedes and we went over that list.

And at the end of going over that list, I felt more depressed than I'd ever felt in sobriety because I realized it was impossible for me to make amends to these people. And he looked at me and said, "I bet that looks impossible, doesn't it?" And I said, "Yeah, I mean, this is impossible. There's no possible way I can rectify all of this.

like I can't do it. If this is a requirement to being sober, I am screwed. And my sponsor said, "You're right.

It's impossible. There is no way you can do this." But he said, "But my experience is this. If you're willing to make amends to all of these people, what is required to make amends to these people will be given to you." And that is my guarantee to you because that's what my experience was.

Whatever is required to go around and rectify all of these harms that you have done to everyone on this list, if you're willing to make that amends, it will be given to you in order to make that amend. And I heard him again. And normally when I would hear something like that, I would think, you know, that's easy for you to say you drive a Mercedes.

Um, but I heard him say that and I believed him. And the wonderful thing is a lot of times I've got to sit across from another guy in my car and tell him that exact thing. Tell him that I know this list looks impossible, but my guarantee to you is this.

If you are willing, honestly willing to make amends to all these people, whatever is required to make those amends will be given to you. Whether it's money, whether it's the ability to travel to another place, whether it's the ability to just think and act differently, it will be given to you when you become willing to make these amends. And that is the grand promise of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And that's why we often coin that part about the nine-step when we are halfway through the ninstep, the promises because that is promises inherent in the collective group of alcoholics anonymous that have done those amends. And I want to talk about one specific amends that was very important for me. One of the amends that I was asked to do was to the people that had saved my life when I tried to kill myself.

Um I believe that the spirit of this amends was due to the fact that Bill and Bob often talked about it became important for their own sobriety to go out and seek the people who had been instrumental in them staying sober. and simply this thank them as a form of amends. I think that's why my sponsor asked me to just find these people and thank them for saving my life.

Um this is a really easy amend. There's nothing bad that could have happened. It wasn't really even that humiliating or it shouldn't have been.

It would take me 6 years of continuous sobriety before I would be willing to make that amends. And um in my sixth year, I was going through an existential crisis. And by existential, I mean I just did not believe in God.

And more importantly, I was not connected to anything. And I felt that connection in the way that a void eats at you from the inside. And it became apparent to me that it might be associated with the fact that I'd never been willing to make that particular amends.

So I went about to try to make this amends and find the people that had saved my life. And I went back to that old business complex um and I went into the building. They weren't there anymore.

Nobody knew who they were. I went back to my car crestf fallen. And I said a very quick prayer.

And that prayer was, "God, I think it's important that I make this amends today. If that be your will, um give me a sign and make it really obvious cuz I'm stupid." I can count that I know of at least two times in my life the prayer has had an immediate result in my life and that was one of them. Immediately after saying that prayer, it occurred to me try one more place.

And so I walked into one more place and sitting behind the counter was one of the ladies that had been there when I tried to kill myself. And not yet quite willing to give it up, I said to her, "Ma'am, the reason I'm here today is because years ago my brother tried to kill himself." And um she looked at me and she said, "No, I think it was you. and um and she got up behind the counter and she started crying and she hugged me and she brought me back into the office and introduced me to the rest of the people that years ago had saved my life.

And against my better judgment, I began doing what was uh stipulated to make my amends. And all I had to do was tell them what my life was like and thank them. And I began telling them what my life was like and thanking them.

And in the context of telling them what my life was like, it struck me in a way that was almost like unre repeatable that my life was really good. I mean, my life was really good and not necessarily because of the external things that were going on in my life. And externally, my life was really quite great, but it was internally.

And for the I I understood that like when I was telling them how my life was as a result of Alcoholics Anonymous, I knew how incredible it was. And I thank them. And that connection to a God that I had been searching for my entire life was made in a way that I could never have done myself.

Never in a way that I could have tried to orchestrate on my own self-will. And that connection to a God that I was convinced only one of the best things with me was made. And I did a physical action and a spiritual connection happened.

And and like that's the beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous because if we required implicit belief in these steps, like if you had to believe these steps would work in order for them to work in your life, that would be a placebo. I mean, definitively that would be a placebo. And we're not offering you a placebo in this program.

We're offering you a very real solution to a very real malady. You don't have to believe, you just have to do it. And that's why it works for a guy like me, a defiant alcoholic, the kind of person that doesn't believe anything.

And that's what happened. And I like to think of that blank tapestry or like that universal consciousness with these million flits, these million sparks of light just flitting through the universe. And ever so often one or two of them collide in such a way to create a flash of light so bright as to be undeniable in their existence.

You know those coincidences that seem to pull out of nowhere and happen in our sobriety. Those moments that we could only just think we're just being lucky and yet they seemingly happened. That is the existence of God's divine grace for me.

And like that is what I found in this program because to be honest, I did not believe in any God for 6 years of my sobriety. And yet I managed to stay sober because I was willing to turn my will in my life over to something that was not me and had the ability to restore me to sanity. And that was AA.

And finally, as a result of doing that, I was finally connected with the God of my understanding. And that is what happened for me. And the thing is is I believe that if you do this thing fully, nothing spiritually will be withheld from you.

That is a great promise of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I moved on to my 10th step. And you know, by trying to practice these affairs and promptly admitting when I am wrong, I get to create that buffer zone that allows me to stay sober even when I screw up.

And I screw up a lot. And um then through the 11st step through prayer and meditation, I I seek to improve my conscious contact with God. And you know, I meditation back in the uh 1939 and the other speaker said that just meant thoughtful contemplation.

Like when I meditate, I don't close my eyes um because most of the time I fall asleep when I close my eyes. Um, I'd like to believe it's because I'm really peaceful and serene, but really it's just I have a very primitive mind and uh, you know, long periods of darkness, my mind's like, go to sleep. Um, so what I simply do is I try to think about what I'm trying to do to carry the message and stay sober and that's my meditation.

And one of the most incredible examples of this step was done from a friend of mine. Um, I have this friend GMO. He is quite literally at this point dying from cancer.

Um, me and one of my friends are good friends of his. Uh, he was in a rival gang. Um he's like literally this big huge Mexican gang banger.

And um he's dying from cancer. He has great sobriety. And when we asked him, you know, we're going to pray for you.

What do you want us to pray for? And what he asked us to pray for was he said, just pray that my family and my loved ones accept what God's will is. And I thought that was incredible.

I mean, I really thought that was incredible because what I would have prayed for is like don't die from cancer. >> And um what he asked us to do was just pray that his loved ones and his family accept God's will. And I think that was one of the best examples of the 11step prayer that I've ever heard because through the 11step prayer, it has done away with my compulsive need to label things as good and bad.

Like this is good and this is bad. The problem with me constantly doing that is if something bad happens, then I believe God doesn't exist because that's how I roll. Unfortunately, that's just how my mind works.

And when I'm done away with that constant need to categorize things as good and bad, things simply are what they are. And that is a spiritual freedom that exists in my life. And then I move on to the 12th step.

And I'm running out of time, so I just want to talk about this. One of the interesting things about speaking and things like this is it gives me the opportunity to choose what I want to talk about. And um sometimes I have a really hard time just getting current, mostly because I run out of time.

And the other is because it takes me a little bit of time to process what's actually going on in my life. And um you know, Katie and Serena talked a lot about the difficulties that happen in sobriety. And if you believe sobriety is going to be just like the absence of pain, I'm sorry.

that's that's not how it's going to be, but it it's not the complete alleviation of pain. In fact, if anything, I believe if you're working the steps correctly, it will get very painful. And um the good thing is a lot of the pain that we feel doesn't necessarily ever have to come back in the same way, but it does happen.

And my sponsor used to say the most annoying thing to me. And what he would say is, "Thank God for your problems." There's this old Chinese proverb that says, "In every problem lies a gift. And sometimes we have those problems because we're in dire need of those gifts." And I used to hate him saying that, but I understand it now because I see that that in every problem is a gift.

And sometimes these problems happen because I honestly do need the gift. And one of my favorite things about one of my favorite sayings about difficulties is um by an American poet laurate. And what she said is when a difficulty comes my way, I throw my arms in the air and I shout thank you God for giving me the opportunity to grow closer to you.

Um and you know that's that's what I like. Um, a couple weeks ago, uh, damn, I I normally don't cry. Usually I have to think about sad things that happen to other people to start crying.

Um, anyway, a couple weeks ago, actually, I want to talk about this. When I was out there using, I went to my grandmother's house and, um, I love my grandmother. Uh, I call her Grammy.

And, um, I was kicking heroin at that time. And, um, you know how we have those things where I'm never going to do this or else I'm like a total loser? One of my things was not to steal from my grandmother.

I stole from everybody else, but not my grandmother. Um, she'd always loved me and my other grandparents were racist, so they weren't all that into me being Asian. Um, but she had a a particular fondness for me that I was just I loved.

And so my thing was, don't steal from Grammy. And I went to her house and I was kicking heroin. And I found myself standing in her bedroom.

And um I remember opening this heavy set jewelry box, reaching in and grabbing this crumpled set of 20s and pulling it away and saying don't to myself as I pocketed that money. And um walking out of the bedroom trying to make it look like my I hadn't been in there so my grandmother wouldn't know what I had just done. And I remember as my uncle escorted me out of my grandmother's house to kick me out of the city, I knew my grandmother had known that I'd been in her bedroom and I knew that she'd known what I'd done.

And I walked out of there with the last semblance of dignity that I had left in that room. Um anyway, that's what I did at my grandmother's and the amends that I had to make to my grandmother was obviously pay her back. Um she lived in Colorado and uh one of my sisters lived there and um she got married.

So for the first time in my sobriety after being several years sober, I found myself back in Colorado and um I was standing outside the church and my grandmother saw me and she rushed over and hugged me and said she didn't even recognize me because, as she said, I'd grown up into a handsome gentleman. and um we hugged each other and as we were hugging each other I um placed this uh crumpled pile of money into her hand and um and before she could say don't give it to me I said just please take it from me and she closed her hand over it and um I said thank you and that was the amends I made to my grandmother. Um 2 weeks ago, my mother called me and uh said that her mother, which is my grandmother, had just gone into acute uh hospice and um she was going to get there and she was the first person to get there.

None of my other family members could get there because my grandmother was dying and it just so happened that I could get there first. So this was last week and uh I flew out to Colorado and uh for 5 days I sat with my mother 6 hours out of the day in an acute hospice sitting next to my Grammy watching her die. And um I I'd love to say this is like a glamorous thing where I was like, you know, making amends.

But frankly, it's just I have a relationship with my family today. And um that's that's what you do when you're a son is when your mother calls you and your Grammyy's dying, you show up. And um now obviously that's a result of alcoholic synonymous, but that's just what you do.

And um and I showed up and I sat by her bedside and we listened to The Sound of Music because that was my mother, my grandmother's favorite thing. And I can remember um as a kid sitting next to her on that old tweed couch and watching The Sound of Music with her. And um there's something both beautiful and horrible in watching someone you love literally die day by day, hour by hour.

And um before I left, I I um I stood with my sister, you know, the sister that would have absolutely nothing to do with me when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. And um we both held my grandmother's hand and we said goodbye to her. And then each on our own, we said goodbye to her.

And I stood next to her on my own and I ran my hair through her hands and I told my grandma that I love her and um that I would see her soon. Well, not soon, but it's a year later. Maybe soon.

Who knows? Um and um that's what I did last week. And um and then I flew home and uh the next day my mother called or two days later my mother called me and she said, "Your grandmother's gone home." And um that's what Alcoholics Anonymous has given me.

I mean, it doesn't really sound that great if you're new. You're like, "Great, people who are dying." But um here's the thing. I got to show up.

And it's one of those weird alcoholic or at least AA idioms. I got to show up. And for those of us who have had that transformation, that spiritual awakening, we understand what those words signify.

I got to show up. And that's what happened for me is I got to show up. And it's just that beautiful transformation that happens here.

I sometimes will hear people say that they've come in here, they've worked the steps, and not that much has changed for them. And now I understand what that means. I'm still a very crude person.

I still thankfully have a bit of a sense of humor. Um I'm still Asian. Um I haven't grown that much since I got sober.

Um but for me, I've transformed in a profound way. I have absolutely transformed in a person that is unrecognizable from the person that I was when I walked into this program. That is the message that I have to give to you is that I have transformed into another person.

Like I now know what it is like to stand by my Grammyy's bedside and watch her die because I love her. because that is the thing that I never understood because I was so self-centered. I did not understand what love meant.

And I love what both Katie and U. Serena said about love. And see the thing about this program is we can move toward hope.

And that is a beautiful thing um about this place. Like the world moves for love. I mean it kneels before it in awe.

And I never knew that. Like I never knew that that's what existed in this world. And I am never being the spiritual speaker again.

Um I want to share this last couple last stories. I one of my favorite stories in the big book is the keys of the kingdom and it ends with saying that we will have a wealth of friends and that's been my experience. I came here assuming that you were the problem and so logically having more of you in my life is not the solution.

And um I quite literally have a wealth of friends. I mean people that I would literally take a bullet for without hesitation. And I love them to the bottom of my heart.

And um one of my favorite books when I was uh young and reading was Mother Knight by Kurt Vonagget. The reason I liked this book is because even at a young age I understood the concept that was being talked about in this book. And that concept was how a series of tragic events would eventually ostracize and completely alienate the main character from society as he knew it.

And um shortly after I got sober, this book was made into a movie. Um those two events are unrelated, but I remember watching this movie, Mother Knight, and it captured perfectly one of my favorite scenes in the book. And what happens is the main character finds himself standing on a busy street appropriately in the rain.

And he's standing there and it suddenly occurs to him. If he were to stand there and not go anywhere for a week or a day or an hour or a month, nobody would know. Nothing would change in his life.

He had nowhere really to go. And I watched that and I realized how much that was like when I was drinking and how much that was like when I was sober before I found Alcoholics Anonymous. That was my experience that as a result of Alcoholics Anonymous, I had been completely removed from both myself and everybody else in this world.

And the problem is is that's a problem for me. As much as I would like to believe that I'm comfortable with that, I am not comfortable being completely and profoundly alienated from everybody else in the world. And Alcoholics Anonymous is a thing that bridged that gap for me.

And um I like to end with this story um because I haven't come up with any better story, but I'm a a big fan of the concept of home. You know, I was adopted at some point in time. My parents basically disowned me.

I was a runaway. I had been searching for home my entire life. And um I sponsored this guy who's from Chicago who's 25 years sober.

And before his 25 year media, me and him went out to eat. And we talked about the concept of home. And um you know, he uprooted all of his sobriety and moved to Toronto.

And um he left his family and his you know, the sobriety that he found for the last 25 years. And the thing that we were both ingredients of is the fact that Alcoholics Anonymous transcends home. that for whatever reason when we completely committed oursel to this program and this fellowship, we came to find a home here.

And um I was out in Toronto and I was speaking at this convention, which was kind of a big deal for me because I was beginning to understand that I had found a place that I loved in Toronto. And I love being Canadian. Like I honestly love being Canadian and I love Toronto.

I love my fellowship. I love being there. And at the end of the conference, we had the dance and I was sitting up and I was watching all of the friends that I'd made in Toronto.

And um they were dancing. They were having this wonderful time. And I had this absolutely overwhelming feeling overcome me.

And um often music has a way of expressing emotions and feelings that I'm incapable of expressing on my own. At that exact moment that I was feeling this, the music that went over the auditorium, the lyrics was this feels like home. And um for me, I I cannot think of any better way to describe my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous than this feels like home.

And if you're new, whether or not you know it, welcome home. Thanks. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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