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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Thank you, Catherine.

My name is Keith Lewis. I'm an alcoholic. >> I bring you greetings from the Midtown group of Alcoholics Anonymous.

We meet on Monday and Thursday evenings at 7:00 in Wilmington, North Carolina. If you're ever there, come by. I promise you that you'll be made to feel welcome just as I have here.

And I I really want to thank the committee for not only asking me but staying with me. Uh they asked me for last year and because of some physical problems uh I wasn't able to make it but uh but they were kind enough to invite me back this year. I guess they already had paid for the plane ticket so I thought you know um and um and I'd like to thank my lovely wife Julia for coming with me.

Um, and I want to thank the committee for including her because uh many weekends I uh have to leave uh and go off by myself and you can just take one look at her and know how difficult that must be. I um I want to thank Katherine and Jack and and Shirley and and just everybody who's been so kind. Uh my my friend Cliff and Pat who have hosted us.

Uh they drove clear to the desert Wednesday and picked us up and uh brought us back to and let us stay in their lovely home and uh and they've just been wonderful. I um Cliff had called me earlier and said that there had been a drawing and they lost. Um I want to thank um I I especially want to talk, you know, being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, there are moments that are just thrillfilled.

I mean, I don't know another way to say it. And one of those moments happened for me Wednesday when Pat and Cliff picked us up and they drove over the mountains and Pat was driving and uh and uh Pat was doing 10, 15, at times 20 m over the speed limit and and she had this tremendous ability to drive through these mountain roads while pointing out points of interest and looking at me in the back seat. It was an amazing thing to hold.

It's tremendous and and I really want to thank uh John for this beautiful uh club that that he gave me. He told me at the it's an honest program and he said that uh that the worst golfer was going to get that club and uh I was surprised to see him give it to me. I really was uh he was putting with it.

He was on my team and uh I think that's what went wrong. Um, you know, um, I I want to thank the other speakers, too. I I my my cup is already running over.

My my friend Vince last night was was just fantastic. And, uh, the family uh, thing this morning was just wonderful. I I I don't know when I've enjoyed anything as much.

And and my friend Craig u, I played golf with Craig. And Craig is really the kindest man on the golf course. The most gracious man I've ever played golf with.

And I really mean that. I mean, whatever you did, even no matter how wrong it was, he'd say something nice and I was Al was over on the ninth T and it was a it was a par three and uh and I blocked a sixiron over in this ditch and uh Craig watched it and you know 40 yards of course in a ditch and he said it was the right distance and I said but it's in the ditch Craig. egg.

I uh you're in for a treat tomorrow morning with Marcy. She's from uh from Georgia and uh and I've had occasion to be with her and and uh and I hope she'll tell you about her lovely sponsor. Uh she has a sponsor um named Maggie who is uh probably single-handedly uh responsible for more sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous than anybody I personally know.

and and I was privileged to lead a retreat in Coleman, Alabama for uh uh for Maggie and um and and I got to thank her. I had a dear friend named Bob Brown who passed away a couple years ago and and Bob was just a wonderful man and uh and I I was privileged to be with him at the end and uh when he passed away and we talked and his only friends can and and he said that one of his regrets was that he never had the opportunity to thank Maggie. Maggie ran the Biscane Room, which uh was a place in in Georgia before they allowed us alcoholics before they discovered insurance and allowed us alcoholics in hospitals, uh Maggie would take people off the street and detoxify them in a Biscane room.

And uh she saved my friend Bob Brown's life. And uh and before he died, just an hour or so before he died, he said one of the things he regretted was that he never got to thank Maggie. and uh and I got to thank her for my friend Bob.

You know, Alcoholics Anonymous is an amazing organization and uh I've been with you well next uh next month it'll be 27 years and uh you never cease to amaze me. Uh who and what you are and uh what you have made me as a result of who and what you are. I'll be profoundly grateful for as long as I live.

Uh, someone said to me one time, "Do you ever get tired of getting on airplanes and doing those things and this and that?" And frankly, the answer is yes. I' I'd love to stay home and practice my golf game. And John would have liked that, too.

And uh and um and everything else, but you see, I can't because um I'm hopelessly in debt to you. I owe you everything. And uh and I'm so deeply in debt that I can't even pay the interest on the principal.

And uh if I spend the rest of my life thanking you, it'll never be enough. I've been in California for a while now. I was up in Fresno a couple weeks ago and uh I went down the desert and spent some time with my brother and uh and um got over to uh Paramount Speakers last week and and I'm just thrilled to be here.

If you're kind of new here and and I know we met some I met a one man named Dominic who came over from Arizona and I'm delighted he's here. He's got about 5 months, which we would all agree is an awful lot of not drinking, five months. And uh but if you're kind of new here, uh what I'll try to do tonight, at least to the best of my ability, is um is to tell you a little bit about what it was like, what happened, and and what I'm like today.

And uh and I'll try to do that. And and if I fail, um it doesn't matter because Monday morning I'm on an airplane either way. But but you may want to talk to the committee.

Um, I was born in a a small town in Ohio and uh place called Martin Sperry. If you hadn't been there, I wouldn't bother. But uh I'm the um second uh child, the eldest son, and there were I had uh nine brothers and sisters and uh I'm Irish.

I won't tell you what church I went to. Uh it's gotten a lot of play this weekend. I'll tell you that.

And um I will give you a hint. It's got something to do with bingo, but I'm not going to say any more than that. And uh and uh and as I think back on it now, I I I think that one of the things that characterized my childhood was the fact that I was scared.

I think I was born scared. I I I also had the idea that I couldn't talk about it. And now nobody ever said that to me.

Uh I br came up with all of this myself. Like I I I've been sober or came into AA too long ago to have learned about the child within. Um and I don't want to be critical of that.

I I really don't. But uh when I came in, they didn't tell me anything about healing the child within. They told me I had to discipline the little child within.

And that's what the problem was. But uh but but I didn't know that I was seeing life differently than other people. Of course, I didn't because I never talked about it.

And but most of all, what I was was afraid. And there were nights I'd lay in bed thinking about what it was I was going to be I was afraid of and and I would come up with all these things like you know I was 5 years old and and I thought about everybody all the men seemed to get married which meant one day I'd have to get married and I didn't even like girls all that much and uh and and who would marry me? I mean my ears stuck out.

Um you know I look like a taxi cab with the rear door open and um and I was a skinny little kid and I had something lived under my bed and and it and And it was it was only there when it was dark. And uh and I could press my little ear against the mattress and I'd hear it moving around down there and and I knew what it was there for. I mean, I intuitively knew that it was waiting for me to dangle my little legs over to the side of the bed and I was gone.

I knew that. And uh and I couldn't talk about any of these things. And I just imagined one day the family be at breakfast and they'd say, "Where's Keith?" And they say, "Oh no, the thing under the bed got him." And um it was an awful way to live.

And I had a speech impediment and uh and and only the people who uh who uh loved me understood me. And uh and and they treated me like I was normal. And I I'm grateful for that.

But but I was just a screwed up kid and and and I was always looking for solutions for life. And I came up with some great solutions. Um the problem was it didn't fit the problem, but it was a great solution.

I I'm reminded of the uh the ladies were playing golf and they sliced a T-shot over in the next fairway and the woman shouted four but it was too late and there were there were four men over there and the one man fell to the ground and he was rolling around. He had his hands between his legs and he was just withering in agony and and she went running over there and she said, "Sir, I'm so sorry." We couldn't even talk to her. He was just groaning and with his hands between his legs and and she said, "I'm a physical therapist.

I believe I can help you." and she she unbuckled his pants and and and uh and then unzipped his pants and she reached down and began to massage him. And she said, "There, sir, doesn't that feel better?" He said he said, "Yes, it does." He said, "But my thumb still hurts like hell." And you know, it's a it's a wonderful solution. and it just didn't fit the problem.

And uh my friend Marty told me that he lives out in the desert and it's just amazing. I mean, and that's the way my life seemed to go. And uh and and and I remember I my first drinking experience.

Uh yeah, I I think you have to drink at least once if you want to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, I bumped into some people I have a few doubts about, but that's another topic. And uh and when I uh first time I drank um uh I drank at home.

I was 5 years old and I I didn't go out a lot when I was five. And uh and my mother was out. She was either to bingo or having a baby or something.

And uh and my father was watching us and he was watching me and I had a brother, dumb Denny. Denny's a year younger than me. and uh and uh and we were playing bug or something at the kitchen table and uh and I guess dad thought it would be funny and he got us each a beer, you know.

Well, nothing happened to me. Denny, on the other hand, was having a spiritual awakening. Um he slid out of the chair and he was rolling around under the table and he was singing Mary had a little lamb and other drinking songs and uh and my dad panicked, you know, and he wrestled him to the ground.

and he got put his jammies on, you know, the kind with the feet and the trap door and and uh and he took him upstairs and he put him in bed and he said to me, "Get get ready for bed, son." I said, "Okay, Dad." And and I got ready and got into bed and and uh he said, "Don't tell your mother about this and I'll take you to the movies." And I thought, "Well, you know, they don't negotiate much with you when you're five, so I was game, but Denny wasn't hearing it. He was having the best time." And uh and I never forget this as long as I live. Little dumb Denny stood up in his crib and he urinated on the floor.

And I remember watching that thinking, you know, there's a kid who's powerless over alcohol and whose life has become unmanaged. And you know, it's the strangest thing. He just never made it.

You know, we're uh we're not proud of this, but uh Denny just never really, you know, got a hold of it. Uh he u did some strange things. I I'll give you some examples.

Denny went to one college Uh, it gets worse. It gets worse. He had one major.

He graduated in four years. I never heard of Sichan. Went to one graduate school.

Graduated. Top in his class. Had a number of job offers.

He picked one. He just retired uh couple years ago as a vice president in a large international corporation. Strangest thing of all was he married one woman.

Here's a guy had the world in the palm of his hands when he was four years old and he let it slip through his fingers. You know, I had to work at this thing. I was 21 years old before I urinated on the bedroom floor for the first time.

I uh it'd be my great privilege to um introduce to you my sister-in-law Jan and my brother Dum Denny. Would you stand up, please? You know, I uh I I I tried like crazy as a kid to to do it right, and it never seemed to go real well for me.

I was I was an okay student, but I was never particularly a brilliant one. And uh I was an okay baseball player, but I was never particularly, you know, outstanding. Denny was a superb athlete.

and uh and and and so what I discovered I could do well in high school was to be bad. Now I wasn't that good at being bad. I couldn't get into much trouble, but I was what they call mischievous.

And and I was in a lot of trouble in high school. A lot of disciplinary action. And and if we'd have been wealthy, I think I'd have been diagnosed as an acting out adolescent.

We were poor, so I was just a punk. And uh and we used to uh we used to have to serve detention and and uh if you served detention in our high school, you went to the library and served it with Sister Victoria. Remember Sister Victoria?

She was this wonderful little nun who used to round run around saying really absurd things like every boy is a prince and every girl is a princess because we have a father who's a king. That disgusting. and and we'd say call each other Prince Keith and Princess Mary and and all that stuff.

And and and when you served attention in a library with Sister Victoria, you had to make rosary beads, okay? And those are things that Catholics pray on. And rosary beads have 10 beads in each decade and there are five decets in a rosary.

And and so she'd give you pliers and wire and these beads and things and and you'd make rosary beads and then they give them to the missions. They'd send them to the missions. And I spent a lot of time with Sister Victoria.

And uh she used to put me behind a magazine rack. She said I was a prince, but I was contagious. So So I sit behind a magazine rack making rosary beads.

And I I got really good at it. And and u my rosaries were different than other people's rosary. I made them with 11 beads in each decade.

And you know, after four years, I had hundreds and hundreds of mutant rosary beads all over the world. And uh and she never caught on. And you know, just you can't not tell them.

You know what I mean? You got to tell them. And uh and so uh I just before I graduated, I went to see her and I said, "Sister, you know what I've been doing the last four years?" She said, "Yes, you sly fly little prince." She said, "You've been putting extra beads in all the rosary beads." And she said, "I know why you've been doing it." And I remember thinking, "I hope she tells me cuz I have the foggiest idea why I do this." And she said, "People all over the world are going to pray extra prayers and God's going to give you all the credit.

Don't you just hate people like that? You and then she did something that terrified me. She took um she had this beautiful smile.

I have a yearbook and I frequently open a picture and and open a book and just look at it." and she took both of my hands and her hands and she said, "You know, you're a very special little prince." She said, "God loves you very much." And and she said, "When I first met you, I knew you were special." And she put a medal of St. Jude on her beads. And she said, "Whenever I get to this meadow, I say a special prayer for you." Now, St.

Jude is a patron saint of lost causes, incidentally. And she said, "One day, you're going to go all around the world telling God's children just how very much he loves him. And so if if I've missed you, I just want you to know in honor of uh Sister Victoria, God loves you very much.

I um I graduated from high school, much to everybody's surprise. And um I'd like to talk about my graduation. Um it it was different.

Uh we had a principal who called me into his office and said it wasn't absolutely essential for me to show up for graduation. And um Father Will Mowski was his name. And I said, "Well," I said, "I I have to, father." He said, I said, "If I didn't, it would just break my mother's heart." And he said, "I was afraid you'd take that position." And and and he said, "We don't want any trouble." Well, you know, we found out today that that if you're Catholic, you get lined up by alphabet, which wouldn't be bad cuz then I'd be in the middle of the pack.

At our school, we did it by size. And I was the smallest one. And uh there were two people who hated that, the smallest guy and the tallest girl.

Hated that system. But um so I was the first one. So we had to go up these uh bleachers, right?

Which meant I was at the far end and everybody on that row very gradually and imperceptibly shifted over and shifted over and somewhere in the middle of the bishop's really moving talk. I ran out of bleacher and and I was hanging on the backdrop and I looked over and Father Wilmowski had his face in his hands and uh and uh I don't think he was crying but uh and and then when you went up to get your diploma um I I almost never wore a dress or anything like that. And uh so we had these we had these robes on and you're supposed to genulect and you kiss the bishop's ring and then you you you know you stand up and you leave and uh but if you step on the front of your gown when you stand up you go on the bishop's lap which is what happened to me and I looked over and sure enough Father Wilmowski was crying and u and then you know I I had a terrible dilemma.

I I had no earthly idea of what I was going to do with my life. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. And and and and so I took one of my very first inventories.

I I uh I remember I stood in front of the mirror. I took my shirt off and and I flexed my muscles and and and I turned sideways and I stuck my chest out and you know and uh and I was 5' 1 in tall and I weighed 113 lbs and whatever else I was I was a born killer. So So I went over to Wheeling, West Virginia and joined the Marine Corps and uh The problem with that was that I wasn't yet 18 years of age, so I had to get my parents' consent.

And I failed to tell my parents. Just split my mind. And uh and a recruiter showed up at our house.

And my poor mother almost died. And and and I remember it as long as I lived. The poor thing.

She cried all night. And she kept saying, "Scott, they'll kill him." And my dad kept saying, "Don't worry, Pat. They won't take them." So with that vote of confidence, the next morning we got a taxi cab and went over to the bus terminal in Wheeling, West Virginia, and they put me on a bus and and I went to Pittsburgh.

It was the second longest trip I'd ever made. It was 60 miles and um went to Cleveland once and um and I knew nothing about anything, you know? I mean, it was just nothing about anything.

I was just the dumbest kid who ever lived. And and I didn't know that I couldn't ask. Um Craig talked about that so well this this afternoon.

I didn't know. And I didn't know I couldn't ask. And I thought I had to ask.

I had to act like I knew. So what I did was I got very good at watching you. And I was I would do what you did just a split second behind you.

I almost looked like a shadow. I would do it so so close to you did, but I had no idea what to do. And uh and it was a it was a very bad year in the Marine Corps.

They took you if you had a pulse. And u so that afternoon I was sworn in United States Marine Corps. And uh and that evening uh three guys from Pittsburgh were also sworn in.

We had to catch a train at midnight. And um and so they turned they said, "Hey kid, we're going to go over uh to a bar and get a sandwich and a couple beers." And I said, "You know, that's just what I was thinking." So I went with them and uh and we went to this bar and I'll never forget as long as I lived. Now, you know, I'd maybe had a drink of this or a drink of that at home or something, but but I never drank.

Um uh I prior to this time, I never drank. And and I follow these guys into this bar and and the bar was filled with real men. You know, the kind, you know, they had tattoos, you know, they spit on the floor, you know, they they knew words.

I couldn't even imagine doing those things. And and uh and and real men have real women with them, okay? Real women hang around with real men.

Guys like me used to get what was left. And I follow him over there. And a bartender came over and he said, "What do you want?" And I thought, "Oh my god, a quiz." I thought the way life worked was when you least expected it, someone was going to say, "Take out a blank sheet of paper, put your name in the upper left hand corner, and they were going to ask a bunch of questions." Now, I had a lot of answers cuz I studied all the time.

The problem was I never studied the right stuff. And uh I didn't know how to answer this question. And so I watched the other guys and they said, "We'll have a beer." And I said, "Me, too." And uh and then he came back, he asked the same question and then um he came back the third time and I knew the answer.

I answered first and something happened to me between the second and third drink and uh it you're here. It probably happened to you too and and that is I had what would pass for a profound spiritual awakening. Uh I stood up.

I didn't mean to stand up. I just couldn't help. just stood up and the floor was 6' 4 inches below me and my right shoulder was out there and my left shoulder was the muscles were rippling through my body and and mind that had been filled with so much fear you know the only thing I knew about the Marine Corps was they took a certain number of men to South Carolina and drowned them in a swamp every once that's all I knew and and all of a sudden that mind was boom it's crystal clear and I I remember thinking but of course it's so simple why didn't I see it before and for the first time in my life I saw the big picture.

The first time in my life, I really felt like I was somebody. It had happened occasionally. Uh uh Danny and I played on a little league baseball team.

I won a championship three out of four years. And and the night that they gave us the trophy, I was somebody. But as soon as we left, I didn't know who I was again.

And and but this moment, I knew I was somebody. And and and and I looked around the room and my heart broke because it was filled with a bunch of pathetic snibbling little men. And all of them had women with them or looking at me with their hungry eyes.

You know how they do it. And and I was in seventh heaven. It was wonderful.

And and and I went from table to table just answering questions. It was amazing. I mean, I answered questions they didn't even have.

And and it it was wonderful. They kept buying me beer and and it got more and more wonderful. And Pittsburgh is the greatest place I'd ever been.

And and uh and and just before midnight, they said, "We better go." And and it seems to me that the people in this bar said, "Please don't go. We've just discovered you." And I said, "No, I have to go and make the world safer democracy." And um and and we went to the train and and I got on a train. I I assume I got on a train, okay?

Because I woke up on a train and that's reasonable. And um I was laying on the floor of the Pullman coach the Marine Corps had kindly provided me with and someone had wet the floor I was lying on. And whoever it was, they had wet me too.

And uh and I was in Washington DC, which is three times as far from home as I'd ever been. And again, I was 5'1 in tall. I weighed 113 lbs.

I was terrified. And and I changed my clothes and I got off the train and the guys were waiting on the platform and they said, "We're going to go over and have a few beers for breakfast. What do you want to do?" I said, "That's just what I was thinking." and and we went over and had a few beers and and and we drank all the way to South Carolina and and that evening I fell off a train in a place called Yamosy, South Carolina.

If you haven't been there, I wouldn't recommend that either. Um and someone moved a bottom step. I don't know exactly what happened, but I fell across the next set of railroad tracks.

And it was a very rude man uh there that they had sent to greet us. And um he was hurling obscinities at myself and the other men who went down there to die for their country. And uh and I remember trying to explain to this cretton that he'd probably get along a lot better if he treated us with a little respect.

And and very limited man. He never seemed to grasp exactly what it was I was trying to convey to him. Uh um I think he was just shouting so much that he really couldn't hear.

And uh and they say you can learn from every experience. And what I learned from that experience is you can do a lot of push-ups drunk. That's what I learned from that.

And I know we just had a wonderful meal and I don't want to be indelicate, but I'll tell you something else. You can do push-ups and throw up at the same time. And um I wouldn't recommend it, but it can be done.

And uh and the next morning we went on to this place called Paris Island. And um and I was welcomed into the United States Marine Corps. And I must tell you, I loved it.

I loved everything about it. Now, if you didn't think I belonged here before that statement, you know I belong here now. But but I did.

And I often wondered why I loved the Marine Corps so much. And it's truthfully, I think I just figured it out a few years ago. I my whole life I guessed at life.

I never actually knew what my job description was. I never knew what was expected of me. But the Marine Corps has a very clear idea of what it is they want you to do.

and they aren't a bit shy about sharing it with you. And and I've discovered and I'm a doer. If I know what to do, I'll do it.

And that's what I did in the Marine Corps. And I took to it like a duck to water. And I grew a few inches and I packed on some muscle and and uh I graduated from Paris Island dress blues award, outstanding man's award.

Every promotion I ever got in the Marine Corps was a meritorious promotion. I loved it. I was the youngest NCO in the Marine Corps at one time and and and I worked hard and and I was offered a commission and I would have been the youngest officer in the Marine Corps.

There was only one problem and the problem was I had this little thing called alcoholism. And and I'll tell you what alcoholism is for me, okay? I I I think I think of it in two ways.

Number one, the pre-alcoholic condition is a condition that will allow me to be surrounded by love as I was my whole life. my parents and you know my father would play ball with me or checkers with me every day that I let him every day that I was in her house my mother hugged me and kissed me and told me that she loved me and I would have told you I wasn't loved it's an amazing phenomenon the inability to feel loved I have a friend Bob my friend Bob Brown used to say I was never loved the way I thought I needed to be loved and I had the ability just to see what was wrong I would see how that we were poor. I would see what we didn't have and we didn't have a car and we didn't have that.

I didn't see the fact that I had brothers and sisters that I loved so much and and a grandmother and on and on and on. Just wonderful, wonderful people in my life. That's condition number one.

Condition number two is that condition that I will fall. Craig talked this afternoon about enthusiasm and and enthusiasm is something I find is sort of endemic in alcoholics and and and it's certainly obvious among sober alcoholics, but it's also obvious among drinking alcoholics and and I would become tremendously enthusiastic about whatever the way of life was that I had wandered into. And then I would quickly or not so quickly begin to violate every principle associated with that way of life.

and then I'd have to blame them for what happened to me. And that's what I did in the Marine Corps. I I ended up in Santa Domingo in 1965 leading a patrol, took a group of men on a patrol into a fire zone in a blackout.

I don't remember going and I don't remember coming back. What I remember was waking up. I was fully clothed.

Uh had a 45 with a round in the chamber and a hammer back and three rounds were missing. I rarely slept that way. and uh and I woke up and and they woke me up and asked me to make a report on what happened the night before and I don't even remember going into the city and I couldn't report and so I sidestepped it a droidly and I turned down that commission and I got out and then I blamed the Marine Corps for what had happened to me and that's my story that that's my drunk log that's it pure and simple I would become very enthusiastic about a way of life and then I'd end up violating every principle associated with that way of life and I got married and that's what I did as a married man I violated every principle associated with being married.

I became a man who became emotionally, physically, and spiritually abusive to the woman I was married to. We had two beautiful children and our second daughter Kimberly was born and and she was almost 3 months premature and she she had a very serious case of highland membrane disease and she was born in a hospital which I was working Georgetown University Hospital and u and um and 3 days before she was born they had bought an experimental machine and so it was there the day she was born and and the day she was born I was passed out on the living room floor in my underwear and and my wife had tried to wake me and couldn't. So, she threw water on me and uh and then she called the neighbors.

And so, when I opened my eyes, I was laying on the floor of this uh apartment in my underwear soaking wet with my neighbors looking at me, the way they look at us, you know, with that disgust. And uh but you couldn't know more disgust or more incomprehensible demoralization than I felt. And and I remember I got up and I ran in and I got dressed and my wife was crying and and I got her in a car and we rushed across Washington DC to to the emergency room at Georgetown University.

And then I began to demand that they take care of my wife because I work here. And I just absolute embarrassment. I was drunk.

I was a mess. And I turned around, I went home and and just as I laid down, the phone rang and she said uh she said, "Kimberly has high membrane disease. They don't expect her to live.

Would you please come in?" And I remember how angry I was and helpless and hopeless. And I went in and for the next two days, uh, I sat in an office with the door slightly a jar in a lighthouse, watching this little girl struggle for every breath she could take. And I knew what to do.

I mean, I watched my father. My father knew how to be a father and he knew how to be a a husband. And I knew what he had done.

He'd have gone in and put his arm around his wife and he said, "Pat will do this." And there was nothing left inside of me. And I cowered in a dark room and watched my wife go in and baptize a little girl because they didn't think she'd live through the night. And and I had long since given up on God.

And and and I in a desperate move, I I ran down to the chapel and I got on my knees in front of the tabernacle. And I was a little kid who loved the tabernacle. And I I'd never go by the church that I didn't go in and say hi to Jesus.

And and I got on my knees in front of the tabernacle and I begged God to let my little girl live. I never want to forget this as long as I live. I told God if he'd let her live, I'd do anything.

I said, 'If you'll let her live, I won't drink. And I was drunk in 12 hours. I drank when I thought drinking would kill my little girl.

You know, Bla1 Pascal, the great French philosopher and theologian, said that God created man in his own image. And unfortunately, man returned to favor. And and I was so spiritually ill by this time that I created a God who would kill a little girl because her dad was sick.

And uh that's not the way God is. And uh and she um she lived and they said she'd be and uh and um last week she had my second granddaughter. And u she's an honor graduate from Auburn University.

I always tell her I think you can be and be an honor graduate from Auburn University. But she and her husband graduated from Auburn and he's a dentist and she's a school teacher and and it's just wonderful. And uh yet, you know, I couldn't not drink for 24 hours thinking that drinking would kill her.

And I never want to forget that. I never want to forget how powerless over alcohol this human being was when you found him, you know. And I went to where a guy like me has to go and that's a skid section in Washington DC and I lost everything.

And one morning May the 13th 1973 I got up what passed for went into what passed for a bathroom in a dive in which I was living and I had a bunch of pills and uh and I just didn't see any other way out. And to this day I don't know if I began to take them or not. What I do remember was saying something to the effect of you're 29 years old and it'll be over.

Now, I really want to stress here, there were hundreds and hundreds of people in my life who love me enough to do whatever it took, and I didn't know it. When they say that alcoholism is selfishness and self-centerness, it really is. And I was about to perform the most self-centered act a human being can perform, that is to take his own life, thinking it wouldn't matter to anybody else.

And I heard a voice, it was a woman's voice, which surprised me. Um and and and in effect told me that when you're 29, it's not supposed to be over. It's supposed to be starting.

And and it jarred jarred me. And and and I immediately remembered that my strange wife had given me a couple of telephone numbers and one was to Alcoholics Anonymous and one was to a treatment center and I could only find one number and I uh I called it. It happened to be the treatment center.

And I spoke to a woman who knew what to say to me because she was a recovering alcoholic. And I spent the next three days not drinking, trying to come up with enough money to get into a treatment center. And it was only $350.

And and I went to the bank to try to borrow some money on this old car I had. And and part of what went on with me those three days was a auditory hallucinations. And and it was funny.

I put a nickel in the parking meter. And the Phil London Philarmonic Symphony would be playing Beethoven's fifth symphony. Beautiful thing.

And I'd be standing by the uh parking meter thinking what a great deal, you know? I mean, a nickel, you get to park and you get to listen to music. And then I was in a banker's I'm sitting there talking to a banker and I'm hearing Beethoven's fifth symphony and and I realized there wasn't music.

I was the only guy who was enjoying his music. And and then the next day, the stuff out of the corner of the eyes. Remember those, you know, those things that dart around and then I started my skin started moving around on me and and 3 days later I somehow knew it was time.

And I got in a car and I drove from Washington DC out to this little treatment center and and uh it took me 5 hours to drive 30 miles. I had what we used to call the runin fits and and I I could go so far and then I'd be sick and and I'd throw up and then I'd wet my pants and uh and then I'd be sick and I changed my clothes and I was changing my clothes outside of this broken down car on Route 29 outside of Washington DC and my FTHEA cappa key fell out of my pocket and I wondered what had happened. They always told me that I had so much potential and uh I was saving it for a rainy day and uh and then there was nothing there.

And I went to this place finally and uh that night they put me on a bus and they sent me to a place called Alcoholics Anonymous. And I never knew Alcoholics Anonymous existed. I worked in one of the finest medical centers in the United States and I didn't know that Alcoholics Anonymous existed and I'll never forget that day as long as I live.

I didn't know it then, but it was to be the beginning of the rest of my life. And I got off this bus and I walked up and there was an old man at the door. Really an obnoxious kind of guy, you know, look you in the eye, you know, the kind, you know.

And um I was a shoe guy. I like to look at shoes. And um and he said shook my hand and he said, "You're new." And I thought, "Oh my god, he's psychic." And um and he said to me, he put his arm around me and he said, "You know, son," he said, "If you keep coming here, you never have to drink again." And I just wanted to scream at him.

You don't know me. I'm a guy who drinks when he thinks drinking will kill his little girl. But he did know me because he was a alcoholic and he was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And what I couldn't do on my knees begging God, I did in the presence of perfect strangers. From that day to this, you have kept your promise. I've not had to take a drink.

And he took me in inside and he introduced me. An old woman is 10 days older than dirt. The oldest human being I ever saw in my life.

She got me a half a cup of coffee. And um and sat next to me and patted me. And uh and halfway through the meeting, she looked over and the old face exploded into a smile.

And she said, "If you stay with us, honey, you never have to be alone again." And I began to cry. I didn't know that what I had been was alone. So desperately alone.

That's what I love about 12step work. I love about prisons and many of the places I'm privileged to go. Hearing fifth steps and things like that that the privilege of being invited into that place that people swore no one would ever be allowed to enter.

And that's what you did for me. You handled me kindly. You handled me gently.

Nobody was ever mean to me in Alcoholics Anonymous. And it took me two or three weeks to realize that I wanted what you had. I didn't think I was an alcoholic.

I didn't think I had what you had, but I wanted what you had. I wanted that peace of mind and that contentment, the camaraderie, the friendship, the hugs. I wanted that.

And I was afraid that I wasn't one of you. I was afraid you would discover that what I was was insane. I was a guy who thought about killing himself.

and the thought of suicide for quite a while was pretty close to me. I was a guy who didn't call his parents and uh wasn't permitted to see his children. I was a guy who couldn't sleep at night and I just drive around Washington DC and I'd visit the monuments and I could I'd read them every night.

I could never remember what I read the day before. So, it was like being new all the time, you know, and I was a mad man. And and I really was a mad man.

The first few months I was I was sober. I was absolutely crazy. And I couldn't go into stories.

I was telling a friend of mine, I I I couldn't go into a grocery store for more than a few minutes. So So I did all my shopping in the the express line and I'd run in and I'd grab I get a basket and I'd grab 10 things and I'd run up to the express line and I'd pay the man and I'd run out of there and I'd be sweating and everything. One time I'm in this line, you know, and I guess the guy's having a bad day.

He's bored or something, you know, and and he said to me, "Sir, you have 11 items and this is a 10 item line." And, you know, he's just having fun, you know, and I just lost it. And I said, "You're absolutely right." He said, "I don't deserve to shop in your store, and I don't deserve to be in your line." And and and and you're right. And and and I turn around at people standing behind me.

And and I'm saying, "You ought to be so proud of this man. He caught me trying to sneak 11 items through a 10 item line." And and and and all these people want to do is buy a few things and go home, you know. And and I'm going on and finally he's saying, "It's all right, sir.

It's just a joke. It's just a joke." And and the manager came over and said, "What's going on here?" there. And I said, "You ought to be so proud of this man." I said, "He caught me sneaking through this line with 11 items." I said, "You got to promote him." You know, and I'm going on and on.

I started to cry, you know, and uh and a manager said, "It's all right. It's all right." I said, "No, I don't deserve this shop here." And I ran out of the store and I called my sponsor. He said, "You did what?

You get your ass over here." And I went over to this place, you know, and he put me in his car and we went to the Safeway on Wisconsin Avenue and he just pointed. I said, "No." He said, "Yes, yes. Go." So I went in and the guy came running over.

He said, "Sir, are you all right?" I said, "Well, I had a really hard life. I, you know, wanted to apologize. Wanted to buy a few things if I could, you know.

And I always did my shopping in there from then on, you know, and I get in that line like I go 1 2 3 4. Ah, we laugh and the best. But I was insane.

I mean, I really was insane. And and and I do the craziest thing. If you're kind of new, I want to warn you against old-timers.

Stay away from old-timers. You know, Cliff and some of these old-timers cuz they aren't nice people. Vince is an oldtime.

Stay away from people like they aren't nice people. You know, they lie. They They say things like uh they say things like, "We come to meetings cuz we need to." That's a lie.

The only reason they come to meetings is the only enjoyment they get out of life is watching people like you and me suffer. That's why they come to me. And if you don't believe it, after the meeting, go up and tell one of them a problem.

First thing they DO IS LAUGH. You know, if you really want to make their day, tell them a problem about sex. They love problems about sex.

And the answer is always the same. No sex. Isn't that right?

No sex. You know, they're not having sex anymore. They don't want us to have sex either.

I used to go to these oldtimes as a fool. You know, I hung out with a group of guys. It's sort of like the problem of the month group.

You know, we come up with a problem and then they say, "Go ask the old-timers." I'm not going to ask the old go ahead ask them. They like you. So, they hate me.

No, no, no. Go ask them. So, I'd go ask them.

And old-timers never answer questions. They they speak in parables, you know, never answer a question. So I tell him, you know, I got this problem and he's going, so finally it's I I had a little problem, wasn't a big problem.

I was I was impotent, which will put a real crimp in your sex life and uh it was driving me crazy. So I go to this guy and I I old-timer and and I beat around the bush fun. He said, "What's the problem?" I said, "I'm impotent." You know, he said, "A lot of us had that problem when we drank too much." He said, "Oh, go away." I said, "When?" I thought it was important.

You know, he said, "What? You got a full socialist calendar?" uh you know so the next month I go back to the same guy you talk about insanity I go back to the same guy and I told him this problem I don't remember was a big problem July of 73 you might remember big problem everybody had it and and I went to this guy and I said to him I said uh I told him this problem and he said I'll tell you what I want you to do get this now he said I want you to borrow lipstick from one of the girls in the program he said I don't want you doing anything else with the girls in the program. He said, "Oh, that's right.

You can't." He said, "I want you to go home and I want you to write on the mirror, Keith, you were wrong." I said, "Well, I can't do that." You see, my problem is I have a poor self-image and I need to be affirmed. Don't ever talk that way to an old-timer. They They hadn't read any of those books.

And uh and so he said, "So I bought some lipstick. I didn't want to owe anything to anybody, especially a woman, right, guys?" And uh so I I went home and I wrote on a mirror, "Keith, you were wrong." And I knew they were nuts. You know, I threw it in a trash can.

I went to bed. It was a normal night. Remember a normal night at 50 days?

Oh, you know, I closed my eyes and my brain woke up for the first time that day and it took off. You know, you're never going to make it. They're going to find out you're crazy and they're going to kick you out of Alcoholics Anonymous.

you're going to be alone the rest of your life. What difference does it make your impetent? You know, just on and on, you know.

Then I'd finally drift off to sleep and then the leg cramps. Remember the leg cramps? Oh god.

I'd be jumping up and down the side of bed with the leg cramps, you know. And then 15 minutes before I had to go to work, I go sound asleep. And it would take three alarm clocks to wake me up.

And and and my mind was still working. You're going to go to work today and they're going to find out you don't know how to do your job and they're going to fire you. and what difference does it make?

You're hopelessly in debt. And I went out and I started a coffee. I just wanted to cry, you know.

And I went and I looked at the mirror and I said, "Keith, you were wrong." I said, "Well, thank God cuz if I'm right, I'm in a hell of a lot of trouble." And and I discovered that the great grace of Alcoholics Anonymous is being wrong. So, if you're kind of new, be wrong. The more stuff you can be wrong about, the happier your life's going to be.

And I tell you something, you'll find this hard to believe. They don't keep score how many times you were right and wrong. Now I live my whole life thinking that somewhere they were keeping score and if you were wrong too many times God would say get off the earth.

He doesn't do that. It doesn't matter. I mean I don't know what I was right or wrong about yesterday.

I got on the wrong golf team. But you know I can't think of much else that went wrong. Um but but it doesn't matter.

I got the the club Big Irma it's called. Um what I'm telling you is that that Alcoholics Anonymous is a place that took me and raised me and I don't know any other way to say it. I was privileged to grow up with the parents whom I grew up.

Wonderful parents taught me right and wrong. The church in which I grew up which I I was so angry with. I was one of these people came to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was religiously anti-religious. You know the kind. And um I was just waiting to be offended.

Go ahead. Offend me. Go ahead.

You know, and and I used to say these brilliant things like, "I don't like organized religion." Well, I did an inventory and I discovered the truth. The truth was I wasn't the pope. If I'd had been a pope, I would have loved organized religion.

And of course, what I was was spiritually ill. And spiritually ill people don't see the depth and the power of spiritual principles. And you know, uh, things happened to me that that I couldn't believe could happen.

I, you know, I did the step work that we're told to do and and I got involved in inventory. I remember one night I I I drove to New Jersey where Denny was living and and I was able to make amends to Denny for the the um things I'd said about him behind his back because it's awful hard to have a brother like Denny who does everything once and does it well, you know. And uh and I was one of those people who used to berade the the nuns, you know, the nuns have been blamed for more stuff than the Nazis if you hang around alcoholics nuns.

And and and I remember we started talking about the nuns. And Denny said, I said, 'Yeah, remember they used to beat our knuckles with the roller and you know it had to be worse for me. So they used a centimeter side on my knuckles and and and Denny said an absurd thing.

He said, "Well, I seem to remember that happening a couple times, but most of all, I remember a bunch of dedicated women who gave their whole lives to treat little kids, teach little kids." I said, "Well, that's one way to look at it, you know." So what I've been privileged to do in Alcoholics Anonymous is to reassess my life and to relearn the truths I was taught as a child. There is a right. There is a wrong.

There is a God. These are the truths that I was taught as a child and I've been privileged to go back and relearn them. But I had learned them at my own pace and I learned them from you and you taught me taught me everything I know or you affirmed everything that was of value in my life and you did it by loving me.

I remember the going to a meeting with my friend Dick L greeted me at the door. I had never met him before and Dick came up and he shook my hand and he said, "I'm glad you're here." And I'm thinking that's what people say. And he said, "Uh, what's your name?" And I told him, he said, "Are you kind of new?" So, I got five weeks.

Well, four and a half. And he said, "That's wonderful." He said, "Tell me, uh, do you have a job or where do you work?" I said, "Well, I think I still work at the university. I'm not sure." And he said, "You have any children?" I said, "Yeah, two little girls, but they won't she won't let me see them." And he said, 'What are their names?

And I said, ' Kelly and Kimberly. And he said, 'You know, I've never seen a man stay sober and not be able to see his children.' And then we had a meeting and uh and the next week I walked in that door and this man walked over and I remembered his face but I didn't remember his name and and he said remember me I'm Dick. I said of course I do and um and he said Keith how are you?

And he said how are things at the university? And I said well I'm fine. I got I I got the job.

And he said that's wonderful. And he said how are Kelly and Kimberly? He remembered the names of my children.

I was hooked on an organization called Alcoholics Anonymous and and you just led me by the hand. You took me my very first 12step call. Uh I was sober about 3 months and and my sponsor took me to the DC jail and we'd signed into the jail and we went over to talk to a man and uh and you know, you've never ever criticized what I do.

You just don't do that. And um and my sponsor is talking to this guy on the phone through this big thick glass and I can't hear a thing he's saying, but I'm listening to my sponsor and he's a laid-back guy. His name was Dan.

And and so he talked to him about 45 minutes. He said, "I got a friend here with me named Keith. He's doing real well." He said, "He's got almost 3 months of sobriety." And he said, "I'm going to let you talk to him for five minutes." I think five minutes.

I got a lot to say to this guy. And so I got the phone and and I began to preach to this guy. and and um and I finally took a breath and he said, "Wait, wait, wait a minute, buddy." He said, "This AA crap's fine for, you know, a loser like you." He said, "But I'm a Fullbrite scholar.

I just lost it." And I began to scream on the phone, "Well, Mr. Fullbright scholar, one of us is leaving here in a few minutes and one of us isn't." And and my sponsor saw it wasn't going very well, so he tried to get the phone back, but I wasn't finished. And uh so I was down on the floor cradling this phone screaming at this guy and uh and and the the other people, the other visitors began to look in our cubicle.

And then finally the guards came and u so Dan got the phone away from me and he said, "Yep, yeah." He said, "I'll come back tomorrow." "Yeah, I'll come alone. I'll come alone." He hung up the phone. We went out in the parking lot.

I knew I was going to be drumed out of Alcoholic Anonymous. I just knew it. And uh and so we're out in the parking lot and Dan didn't say anything.

you know how they do it. And uh and I couldn't stand it anymore. So finally I said, "That was pretty bad, wasn't it?" And you know what he said to me?

He said, "I'll be honest with you, Keith." He said, "Most guys wouldn't have done it that way." He said, "But you'll discover we all develop our own technique and Alcoholics Anonymous." That's the last thing I ever heard of it, you know. So, I'm telling you, you know, you can't turn us off in alcoholics. If you show up and you have half a decent attitude and you want anything that we have, any piece of it, you can't turn us off and you can never wear us out because I've never worn them out.

And I began to grow and I began to learn things. I began to learn gradually and slowly. And and I I began to learn that that that uh good things happen to you if you show up for life.

And you know I I was sober three or four months and I got a letter. I was invited to study with a probably the finest psychologist that ever lived. At least the finest I ever met.

His name was Jerome Lejourney. Just died recently. He's also the Atheian for Pope Paul uh John Paul II.

But um he u is a physician and a PhD geneticist and um and I was invited to study with him for a while in Paris. And uh and I knew my sponsor wouldn't let me go cuz I'd figured out what sponsors did. they found out what you really wanted to do and told you you couldn't do it.

And um so I thought Dan and I go to lunch. So we went to lunch and and uh and I gave him the letter and he read it and he just burst into a big smile and he said, "This is terrific. This is fantastic." And I said, "You mean I can go?" He said, "You have to go." He said, "This isn't about you." He said, "This is about Alcoholics Anonymous." He said, "Best you could do is crap your pants over there on Skid Row." He said, "This is about Alcoholics Anonymous and about God working in our life." He said, "You have to go." And then he told me some, "If you're new, please hear this.

Please hear this." He said to me, "Keith, you can do anything in life if you prepare properly. We will prepare you to go to France." And you know, New Year's Eve 1974, I was landing in Orley airport and I'm glad I was all by myself over in the corner because I couldn't keep from weeping. And I thought seven months ago I came within a fraction of an inch of taking my own life in the Skidro section of Washington DC and here I am walking the streets of Paris, a free man.

And that's Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I'm always amazed when I see a room like this. What a little over 5,000 people registered for this conference.

Okay, now I know all of us aren't alcoholics, but just say 3,000 of us. You know, there are more sober people in this building today than there were in the state of California 64 years ago and that I should be included in that. So, something for which I'll be profoundly grateful.

My life just has been swimming since and I I there's so much I'd like to tell you and I'm quickly running out of time. I won't talk too long and I um I I want to respect the the wishes of the committee and the dance people and and and everything but but and I and also the taper um the man who's taping this conference is a man who I owe a great debt of gratitude and I hadn't seen him in a long time and and you remember Desert Storm. I was living in Favville, North Carolina at the time, and a lot of our members were men and women in the military, in the army, in the Air Force.

And a lot of them had to leave to go to Desert Storm. And and I called your taper and I said to him, "A lot of our folks are going overseas. Do you have any tapes?

I'd like to be able to send them." And within a week, a crate, I mean, a crate of tapes arrived. And uh and I sent them to the men and women who I knew uh over in the desert. And uh and what they would do was initial them and pass them on.

And I saw tapes that had hundreds and hundreds of initials on them. And that was their contact with Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I um uh there's so much so much I could say.

I you know, I ended up getting a sponsor named Sandy B. After a few years, Dan uh sort of dropped out and and I ended up getting a sponsor named Sandy B who walked me through the steps. And and that's as Vince said so well last night, that's when I began to live.

when the steps began to happen in my life is when I began to live. Uh that's the basis of this program. And if you're kind of new, don't beat around the bush.

Find someone who's living the way you want to live and let them help you do that. I uh I worked very hard and and you know, it's it's not a straight line to sobriety and and I sure have made an awful lot of mistakes. Uh the one mistake I never made was picking up a drink and the other mistake I never made was being far from you.

One time uh in my life I've gone over a week without a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and it frightened me because I realized each day it was easier to go without the meeting and I've never done that again. Uh the other thing that um that's happened to me is that u is I realized that the basis of all my problems are my old ideas and and growing up without a lot of material things an old idea I had was that if I could be successful enough then I'd be somebody. If I had enough money or something, then I'd be somebody.

When I was sober about six years, I got everything that I said I'd ever need to be happy. I was running marathons. I had a very prestigious job.

I was traveling. I had that townhouse, the red brick townhouse with the hardwood floors and refinished all my antiques and and I had it was this wonderful social life. I was really depraved, but I thought it was wonderful at the time.

And and uh and I had all these things I thought I needed to be happy. and um and I nearly died. I I ended up so depressed that I ended up hospitalized with six years of continuous sobriety hospitalized.

And what I had done was I had drifted back into seeking out the wrong higher power. And I just I don't know why I don't talk about this often, but I just wanted to talk about it. And what I ended up doing and I see now is I ended up horribly depressed.

And that's a medical phenomenon. And that's nothing to be uh messed with. And I let the experts take care of that.

But the reality was was that I stopped seeking the higher power and I started trying to be the higher power. I got very very important and I was showing everybody just how well I was doing. And I found myself telling them constantly how well I was doing.

And I ended up so crazy that I ended up flying to Texas and they put me in a treatment center. And I was running a treatment center. I was running all over the country telling people how to run treatment centers and they put me in a treatment center and and the way I went was terrible.

I don't know if you remember Braniff Airlines, but they paint all their planes different colors and and I flew into Dallas Fort Worth airport on a pink airplane and my life was over and um and I ended up in this treatment center and they I got in there in the middle of the night and the next morning I was so depressed I couldn't uh couldn't even get dressed. And so this man, my roommate, big gym, big Texan, came over and he started to help me get dressed. And he said, "I know how you feel, buddy." He said, "Uh," he said, "I I uh" he said, "I felt that way when I came in, too." He said, "But I've been sober 6 days now.

I feel a whole lot better." He said, "How long are you sober?" I said, "Well, 6 and 1/2 years." And he said, "Oh, shit." And he went over and got in bed. And um so I laid back down and uh and I met some wonderful people in Alcoholics Anonymous down there and um one of them a little dentist who's no longer with us who spent some time with me. But uh but the thing that I really met down there was uh was I I finally had to face the truth and that is that I couldn't be the higher power.

And someone had given me a a u Bible and uh said read this and and in an utter fit of rage one day I grabbed that thing and I said let's see what the hell you have to say and I opened the book and I opened it to John 14th chapter and it says don't let your heart be troubled have faith in God have faith also in me and he went on to say that that there were many mansions and that one was prepared for me and something inside of me broke because I realized that no matter how hard I tried no matter how successful I God, I couldn't make a place for me, but there always was a place for me. And I got out of bed on my knees and I wept. And I promised God that if he would let me live, if he would bring me back that I'd only do one thing, and that is seek his perfect will and try to do it.

I came back and I took the blinders off and I began to look at life the way it was dealt to me. I went back to that church that um that I blamed for everything for and I and I I didn't know much. I mean, I had a degree in theology and everything, but I got that at Georgetown University.

And you can get a degree at Georgetown and not know much about Catholicism. Tell you that. And um and um in philosophy.

I had a degree in philosophy there, too. But but um seriously, it was a fine education. They were fine people.

The problem wasn't them. The problem was the receiver. And uh I intellectualized God and um because I was afraid to know God and and I got a book on Fatima and when I was a little kid I was kned into an organization called the Knights of Fatima and the bishop said to us I was the smallest of course so I was the first one kned and and uh and the bishop said to us that night he said you know one day he said when you know most need help the mother of God will be there and uh and you know I opened that book and I looked and the the feast of Fatima celebrated May the 13th, 1917.

In a day that woman who I could never identify spoke to me and told me not to commit suicide was May the 13th, 1973. You can believe whatever you want to believe. I believe that in my deepest moment of need, the mother of God, the one whose resurrection I'll celebrate tomorrow morning, was there for me and my whole life opened up.

Everything that you taught me in Alcoholics Anonymous began to make sense to me and I did what the book suggested. I returned to the church of my childhood and I had to forget a lot of things and mainly me and I had to put away a lot of social issues and all that nonsense that changes every 50 or 100 years anyway. And uh and I had to begin to seek out the truths which I think are eternal.

And as I studied Aquinus and uh particularly Aquinus I like very much and Dietrich von Hild Debrand and some of the the great great writers, I began to hear Bill Wilson talking through Father Ed D um about the spiritual awakening and about a life lived based upon spiritual principles. And that's what you taught me. You know, without you, I'd be nothing.

And there's no question in my mind about that. You've given me everything I've had. You taught me everything that I know.

I I was over 40 years of age. I I was over almost 13 years and I didn't know how to be in an interpersonal relationship. And that's the truth.

I knew how to be a friend and I knew how to be a buddy and I knew how to be a golfing partner. And I'd learned a little bit about being a brother and a son and a father, but I didn't know how to be in an interpersonal relationship. And I and and I was in another one of those relationships where we use one another.

And I was just disgusted with myself. And and I got on my knees one night and I begged God to change me. And I said, "I'm going to live a celibate life.

I'm going to work with new members of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm going to try to do your will. If I'm ever going to have a relationship, it's going to be on your terms and not mine." And that was May that was July the 4th, 1985. And July the 5th, 1985, I met the woman I'm married to today.

She was a member of Alanon and she had brought a friend to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and uh and guys, if you're looking for a wife, go to Alanon. I'm not kidding. It's the greatest thing in the world is to marry a woman from Alanon.

And uh you know, Julie and I have so much in common. You know, we have one goal in life and that is my happiness. And it's just wonderful.

And uh and and you know it was amazing to me. Every instinct I had was wrong. And I have a sponsor, Tom I.

And and Tom's wonderful man. I think the finest member of AI. I know he hates it when I say that, but it's the truth that he is the finest member I know.

And and I went to him and I said, "Tom, I said, you're really well married." I said, "You're even married when you're out of town." I joke with him and he he said, "Yeah." He said, "I'm especially married when I'm out of town." And uh and I said, "Will you teach me how to do that?" and he took me by the hand and he taught me everything that I know about interpersonal relationship. And you know, it was interesting to me that every instinct I had was wrong. Every instinct I had would have been the way I did it before and I would have gotten the results I always got before.

You know, I said to him, "We're going to have an exclusive relationship." He said, "You're not ready for that." And I said, "Why?" He said, "You'll know why." And you know, a few months later, I knew why. What I always did was if I found someone who I thought I might be able to capture, I captured them because I thought if they had time to think it over, they'd pick somebody else. And uh and then I dec I discovered that that wasn't so.

And and then I said, you know, we're going to get married. And he said, you're not you're not engaged. I said, that's an oldfashioned idea.

And he said, Keith, it got to be that way for a reason. And and uh and so I bought Julia a ring. And one new Christmas Eve, she had come over to my house and we were going to go to midnight mass together.

and I built a fire and I talked to her parents and gotten their permission and I had a ring in my pocket and I and I was going to get on one knee and and ask her if she would marry me and and just as I was about to do it, she ran into the bathroom to powder her nose and I chased her in the bathroom and I put the ring on her wrong finger, the wrong hand and asked her if she'd marry me and um and she fell into my arms and we both wept and uh and she did marry me about a year and a half later and uh the 20th of next month. It'll be 11 years of marriage. And um and I'm I'm just saying this because because I'm really married and and I don't have to violate those principles associated with marriage like I did before.

And that's because of you. You taught me how to be whatever I am today. And I think that if I were to describe a life in Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, they are spiritual in nature as the literature tells us.

But the result or the fruit to that is that if I'm not a better husband and a better pigeon and a better sponsor and a better brother and a better friend and a better son and a better father and a better grandfather today than I was this time last year, I'm not doing it right. This program is about spiritual growth and the rewards are overwhelming. I I quickly want to tell you just a couple things and one of them is my dear brother Terry I'd like to talk about from time to time.

I love Terry so and Terry died of this alcoholism. They called it cancer, but but it was alcoholism. And and he died the day before my 20th AA birthday.

And 18 years before, Terry had had 90 days of continuous sobriety a couple times, and it just never happened for him. And he was in the hospital. And I I got to go see him.

And Terry used to leave town when I went home because I guess it's hard to have a sober brother. And uh and I loved him. So, and um I got over to the hospital and we spent about 2 hours together and uh and he had questions.

I was his big brother and he had questions and things like, "Do you really think there is a God?" And I said, "I know there is." And he said, "Do you think God could like a guy like me?" And I said, "If you were the only one, he would love you, too." And uh and then he we talked about things, a rosary and a scapular and some of the things that meant a lot to me and and uh I gave him some and and we talked a little bit and and when I I went to leave, he smiled and he said um I didn't leave town this time and I said, "I know." And um and I asked him for a favor. I asked him if I could hug him. And uh you know, when you're alcoholic, it's hard to hug somebody.

And um and he told me I could. and and and I hugged him just for a brief brief moment, but it was enough. I remember theology uh principle that I had learned that there are two kinds of time.

There's something called uh Kronos, which is chronological time, which is what I'm out of. And then there's something called um uh chyros, which is God's time. And God's time is always now.

That's why we can't meet God in the past. We can't meet God in the future. We can only meet him now.

And you know, in chronological time, I just hugged my dear brother for a few broke moments. But in God's time, I hugged him forever. And that's what I know to be true.

And alcohol is anonymous. Now, shortly after my brother died, I watched my my uh wonderful mother, my saintly mother pass away. And uh and she suffered so well and she considered everything at the end of her life, particularly the suffering as a prayer.

And uh there were nights when I'd go up to be with her and and I used to come down by myself at night and I'd pray a rosary aloud. She loved a rosary so as do I. And she would wake up and smile and then go back to sleep.

And and one night my niece who was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous came in and said to my brother Larry who's also an AA and lives in Wilmington and he was visiting and and he said, "You have to come to the meeting tonight and hear my sponsor speak." And I said, "No." I said, "I think I'll I'll uh stay here with mom. I I'll hear your sponsor another night." My mother woke up and said, "No, no." She said, "You must promise me that you'll go to Alcoholics Anonymous. You must promise me you'll always go to Alcoholics Anonymous." Those were the people who brought my boys home to me.

And I got some appreciation for what you've done in the lives of the people that I love. You know, mom passed away shortly after that, and she had made a list of the things she wanted in her in her coffin. And one of the things on the list was my 23-year chip.

Every year I'd give her a chip and buried with her as my 23-year token. Everything in my life I have because of you. Everything.

You know, uh I was uh I moved to North Carolina in 1980 and um and left Washington DC. And I'll always love Washington, but North Carolina is my home now. And and I remembered an incident.

I was uh just had moved down there and and I pretty newly back to the church of my childhood and I was really enjoying that and I was sitting out on a balcony one night. And it's over about seven years and I had a big book and a big big book and I was reading it and had a little apartment over a lake and um and I was uh reading and it just overwhelmed that sense of peace and gratitude that comes to us lucky enough to catch this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous. And and I said why me, father?

Why why have you picked me? And I hearken back to when I was in that treatment center and I called my poor aranged wife and uh and I said to her, "I'm an alcoholic." And she said, "No shit." And and I said, "Why me?" And she said, "Why not you? If anybody deserves it, you do." And she hung up and and I'm asking God, "Why me, father?

Why me?" And he said, "Why not you, son? If anybody deserves it, you do." And that's the beauty of what I think we have here is that uh what I have is what my father always wanted for me. And uh and that is a sense that uh I'm very very special to him and you're very special to me because um you're a bunch of princesses princes and uh we have a father who's a king and um and during this season in particular I wish you the very very best.

I I wish you a resurrection that uh develops a spiritual awakening so profound that it results in a personality change. And uh I wish you so and and and I thank you and I Denny Jan, thank you so much for being with me tonight. My lovely wife Julie, I want to thank you just for putting up with me all these years.

and uh and I ask you to keep uh my new grandson who's a week old and my granddaughter who's uh 8 days old in your prayers. Thank you very much. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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