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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. My name is Kelvin Daniels. I'm an alcoholic.

>> That obnoxious hello that everybody just heard is what we do at my home group and and there's a lot of people here supporting me tonight. So, um I've got a lot of friends from the Dakotas and and uh people that have come here to support uh support Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd say me, but I'm nothing without this.

So, if for those people that came over uh to support me, if you guys could just give a good just stand up real quick. So, I'd like you to guys have you guys recognized Hershel Walker. I look more like a fat Vin Diesel.

Anytime you get this, anytime you get asked to go somewhere, you always end up hearing things from from people. People always say, "Well, we're going to pick you up at the airport." And so I'm I I spoke in Kentucky last weekend and uh the the guy when when you hear North Dakota and I show up in Kentucky, it is not what you expect. The they're expecting something more of an Oolie or Svenl looking, not Tyrone.

and um and and my uh my my new friend Mark. Mark's my host. Uh for all of you that have hosts, you guys kind of lost out cuz you didn't get Mark.

He's the man. And uh Mark said, "Well, what what you know, I I've never met you before. What do you what do you look like?" And and I quit.

I've quit trying. You know, I started describing myself in the correct way. look for a guy who's full of fear, self, ego, lust, um, and, uh, and, and, and trying to hide it underneath some kind of false confidence that comes across as friendly and you'll see me.

And, uh, that's kind of what I've ended up being. And I've ended up being this person that all my life I've always been this guy that's that's always tried to put something out in front of people that wasn't really true because I was really afraid of what I was. And if you got to know me for what I really was, you would not only not want to be with me, you wouldn't have anything to do with me.

And it it's intimidating. I' I've heard people be honest up here this weekend. And it's it's intimidating to be in front of people that you've that you've watched from the time that you were young in sobriety and then you get to talk next to them in a convention like this.

And it's intimidating to to see people that you know are are spiritually light years ahead of where you've ever planned on being, you know, and and the stories that some of these speakers have. I mean, you hear some I all I have to say is is is if you missed last night, go buy some discs, okay? because I mean and if and if you missed earlier today this the same thing and and and it and it's unnerving enough but when you have a guy you sponsor that's with you come up to you after the second speaker last night after Scott spoke he goes man what are you going to do and I'm like what are you talking about he goes Teresa and then Scott he goes you're going to have to make stuff up man.

And and so I thought I'd tell you about the uh the time I survived the drivebys in North Dakota. Um our drivebys aren't quite like your drivebys. They're more like driveby yellings.

Your mom's fat. And um that's more what we have. Um, and and the reason why we don't have more gunplay in the state is because if you're not a member of the NRA, we ask you to move out.

And um, and so when I when I started looking at this stuff, I I've I've been in this position my whole life of of trying to match up and and try to try to outdo and out be better. It's it it I've spent my entire time listening to your story for about 15 seconds so I can figure out a way to one up it and try to sound better than you are and try to be better than you are. And I that happened from the time I was young until the time I I was riding with my first sponsor in the car and and he goes, "Oh man, did you watch Jay Leno last night?

Janet Jackson was on there." And I'm like, "Oh yeah, man. She looked really good." And he goes, "Yeah, she was wearing that red dress." And I'm like, "Oh yeah, it was really hot." He goes, "You idiot. She was wearing a black dress.

You didn't even watch Jay Leno. Why do you have to always lie? And um he loved me into sobriety.

Um lots of hugs and I'll tell you I came to my first go for state roundup in May of 1997 and uh I was on probation at the time. I don't and I and it's one of those things where I should have never been able to come here. I should have never been able to show up at this event.

I had been given this lady named Jackie. And and Jackie had a 70% violation rate. So if you messed up, you were gone.

Jackie just sent you back. and and because of the work I was doing with a sponsor at the time that he told me I had to go in and shake her hand, you know, and he said I had to thank her for her time. And all I remember when he said that was, "What do you mean thank her for her time?

I paid probation fees. I'm not thanking this lady for anything." And um and he said, "Shake her hand." And and I and I did what I was told and I put my hand out and she tried to reach underneath the desk. I thought she was going to shoot me.

And um as a result of it, I had I had five felonies hanging over my head when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. And uh by the time I was almost 3 years sober, Jackie looked at me and she said, "You're not a criminal." And I'm looking around and I'm like, "Who is she talking to?" And she said, "With all the stuff that you've been doing in alcohol," she said, "I've never seen anything like it before." or she said, "We're going to run all those felonies concurrent on a deferred imposition of sentence and and we're going to run everything backdated and uh you don't have to say that you're a felon." And that started by being able to come to places like this and do things like this. And and this was some of the small action that I took initially.

This place has a special place in my heart because of it. And I'm not I'm not the guy that that should be here. I'm not the guy that should be anywhere besides where people like me go.

And I didn't know where I was going to be because when I was a kid, I just felt awkward. I felt funny. I felt disconnected from the world around me.

It seemed like everybody had something going on that I didn't. And from my earliest memory, I remember having this hole in my gut. And it's the kind of hole when you look at me, you look through me.

You kind of hole when when when you look in my direction, I don't matter. And some of the other speakers talked about, you know, their family life and things like that. I grew up in a very abusive home.

I grew up in in in the kind of place that that it felt like there was conditions and everybody any bit of love that seemed to come out from them. And there was a lot of physical abuse and there was a lot of a lot of emotional abuse. And I was one of those people that that if you when I started seeing the well-meaning people and they started trying to dig into all that stuff, it was it was always one of those types of things that that I was always trying to figure out something to play the game.

So, I was always going to tweak this here or turn that there or do something else. But all I know is is that that there was a piece of me missing. And I didn't know what that was.

When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I found out everything that was ever wrong with me. I found out that I was restless, irritable, and discontented by my nature and that I would be that way until I found the solution of alcohol by the time I was between 12 and 13 years old. And this restlessness when when I say I'm restless, I've just got this this thing in me that I I just know what's going to be better over there.

And I just know what's they they've got something better going on. And and my my my sponsor gave me the best example of it I've ever heard. If you ever watch a dog lay down, they circle and they circle and they drop.

I'm a dog that can't find its spot. I'm always looking for something better. And speaking of dog, I I know some people have been teasing me.

Um, I have a Shih Tzu with me this weekend. And I know when you look at me, I do not look like a Shih Tzu owner. I should have Rottweilers and Pitbulls and things called like crush and cannibal and killer.

Her name is Lily. And um, my wife and my daughter are in Kansas City, Missouri this weekend. and and uh my daughter is a is a gifted young athlete and and she's playing on a uh on a boy's premier soccer team.

And um and I didn't know, you know, it's apparently some of you got asked 2 years ago. They called me like 18 months ago. So apparently I was more available than you.

Um but I didn't know 18 months ago that I was going to be speaking at Gopher State. So I I I said yes, absolutely. And then this tournament comes up and and we don't have anywhere to take the dog because everybody, as you can tell, is here.

So my wife asked me to bring the dog. And I went, I can't bring a Shih Tzu to go for state. What are people going to think?

So Matt, the dog whisperer, um, staying in the room. He's, uh, one of the guys I've been blessed to have in my life for over six years. and and uh and and the other guys that are staying there too with Adam and and Rory and all of them and and and they've all been taking turns taking the dog for a walk which is really cool especially if you're a single guy cuz apparently girls like cute little dogs and she has a little like pink vest thing that has a little clip on the top because the collar doesn't will hurt her little neck and they they're like I'll take the dog for a walk you know.

So, they're all like volunteering. They're getting in line rock paper scissoring to see who gets to do it next. And um during uh during Cur's talk this morning, I came up to her before it started.

I said, "Listen, my daughter starts playing at 9:10 a.m. this morning. Your talk's at 9:30.

If you see me looking at my phone, I'm paying attention to you. I'm just getting updates on the game. I'm sorry." And she goes, "If you see you pull your phone up, I'm going to lay you out in front of everybody and ask you why you're on your phone in an AA meeting." And then she smiled and I went, you know, so um be happy to know that they won uh the first game this morning two to one and she uh she hit the goal ahead goal and uh and scored in that game.

And the the second game they lost three to five. Um and tomorrow they have to play a team from Texas. Like why do kids from North Dakota get to play kids from Texas?

you know, I mean, it's they're going to get killed. I mean, we have snow on the ground like 17 months a year, you know? I mean, it's it's crazy.

And they're like year round. They're dodging rattlesnakes and scorpions. I mean, if they're not good with a soccer ball, then, you know, they're going to get bit.

And um I just know that that uh that it's going to be really funny um sitting through sitting through the rest of this thing knowing that I am where I'm supposed to be because Teresa gets up here and I'm complaining about it. You know, I'm complaining about the fact that I got to miss this great thing and it's, you know, the third highest ranked ranked national tournament in the country and and it I should be there and and and I'm complaining and Teresa says that her dad she gets an ICU call and and her dad's going in. She doesn't know if he's going to make it another 24 hours, but she came to go for state.

So, I quit complaining and um I came here. But this restlessness that I felt my whole life doesn't seem to get fixed. it just just just grinds on me and I don't seem to be able to reach out and find exactly where I'm supposed to be.

And and on top of that, I have this irritability about me. I I have a tendency to talk to people through my teeth a lot when they're not doing my will. And um and if if people people I I just I notice things that that they they're getting paid twice as much money doing half the work I am.

I just know it. And I'm getting screwed by everybody. And I just I just I just feel like this inside and what I need is a drink when I'm like that.

But when I'm when I feel this kind of just tightness in my body and I just can't seem to do that. And it and and it doesn't go away when you get sober and you get into AA because it translates from talking to you through your teeth to people to sharing at them in meetings. You know, you share directly at them because you're going to make sure that they fix it.

you know, because you do everything right and they don't. And um and I have this discontentment about me. This discontentment that I seem to feel is uh even if I get the things I want, they're not enough.

No matter what I it and I'll explain it to you in in in two ways. First thing is this. They said there's what 8,400 people registered.

I know that there's a bunch of them not watching me tonight. That hurts my feelings. They were here for you, St.

Paul, because he was the main Saturday night speaker. Was and I'm I'm by by the escalator. And I hear these guys going, I don't know if we're going to go to the 10:00 speaker.

I don't even know this guy. Paul did a great job. And they were going to go play hacky sack, you know, and I fine discontented.

And um the other form of discontentment I have is in relationships with people and and I have rules on how you're supposed to treat me. It's treat me like this. Act like this towards me.

Do these things for me. Be this. Be that.

Be this. Be that. And they try to start doing that.

And they get close. And I change the rules and I require more of them. And I and I and I they get closer.

They closer and I change the rules and I require more of them again. And before I realize there's such a separation between me and the people in my life that there's no way possible that they can manage the void. And they're looking at me wondering when is enough enough?

And I'm looking down at them wondering if if you just love me more, if you just did the things that I would ask you to do, then we would get along just fine. And I emotionally wear people out. I destroy people's lives with because of the requirements that I place on them.

I didn't know what that was until I got alcoholics synonymous. They told me I was playing God. I had no I had no idea what the things I was doing was were.

I had no idea what they were. All I knew is is that I seemed to not be able to connect with people. And this is before I ever took a drink.

And before I ever took a drink, I am sitting there and I'm going through this whole entire thing and I just feel so much. I am so sensitive. I'm so so perceptive of what things seem to be.

And my perception is my reality. and I come here and you tell me I have a perception problem. So therefore, my reality is a problem.

And there is nothing about me that is true or real. And I don't know what the hell I am. And I've been like that my entire life.

And I was like that into sobriety because I didn't understand what it was to be really loved and accepted until I got here. And I always thought you were shining me on. And I always thought you were going to change the rules.

And I always thought it was going to come up a different way. And that's never been the case. I have uh I've been loved in Alcoholics Anonymous in ways that I never thought possible.

And and there's some friends of mine here from Wisconsin and I got asked to speak in Oaklair and when I was in sixth grade, now here's another thing. you know, if you're referring to things from sixth grade and you are damn near 40 that you have had resentments. And um I am in sixth grade and I had this and and and I'm this kid that has trouble with keeping his own personal space.

I am this kid that has trouble with with with just being still where I am because I'm I don't have a drink and this restlessness that I have and this irritability that I have and all of these things, all these parts of pieces of me that are so mal just maladjusted in the environment that I grow up in. I don't know how to handle relationships with people. So, as a result, I'm in trouble a lot.

As a result, I'm not the kid. First of all, if there's anybody in here who's an educator, do not punish a kid by taking recess away, if they are anything like me, because now you've just taken their only physical release and you've left them even more bottled up than they are. And what they did is they made me copy the dictionary every day.

So, I didn't go to I did not go to recess from second to fifth grade except for like three times. And what that is is when you do, I say three times because they keep giving me a chance. That's like taking this pack of wild dogs that has been caged up and dropping a steak there and going, "Uhuh.

Uhhuh. Don't touch it." Of course, if you put me out in that environment, I'm going to lose it. I'm going to I'm going to react the way I've always reacted because I'm doing all of these things and I don't know how to connect.

I don't know how to be where I am. And as a result of it, by the time I'm in sixth grade, I am just crazy. And I'm sitting there in this environment and this teacher and I'm going to leave his name off in case he ever comes in so I don't have to make amends for blasting him.

We'll just call him Mr. N. And Mr.

N went through and he said, "Nobody here has to give anybody a Valentine that doesn't want to. It's Valentine's Day and we're going to have a Valentine's decoration box set and we're going to have we're going to have this contest and whoever gets the best contest is going to get this box of chocolates." And so I go through and I just throw myself into this cuz I want to win cuz I'm competitive. And I get take this box and I put this slit in the top and I put G.I.

Joe's on it with kung fu grip and and and and and guns and it's going to be shoot me Valentine, you know? I mean, I got this whole thing figured out, right? So, I go up there and I put everything down and I go home and I've got resentments in sixth grade and I am telling my mom that I am not giving one to them and one to him and one to her and she says to me, "Kelvin, come on.

How would you feel if nobody gave you a Valentine?" I will tell you exactly how that feels. They said go. I got up and I ran and I dropped all the Valentine and all the boxes all the way around the whole entire classroom and I got back to my box and I picked it up and there was a little light.

I took the top off and there wasn't one, not even from the teacher. Not even the teacher gave me a Valentine and I was crushed and I don't know how you handle things like that. I I I I just cried and I ran out of there and I and I'm I'm destroyed and this is sitting with me and I tell this story in Wisconsin in Oaklair and the following Valentine's Day I get a FedEx package at my front door and I open this FedEx package up and it is full of Valentine's.

I mean, it's like they took they I know they went to the detox, you know, and and and they put they there was there was Valentine's. I didn't even recognize the names, you know, but it was just full. And it and they didn't get like big cards.

They got little kid Valentine, you know, like the ones that have have like little pictures on it and they gave me little candies that have little things on it that taste like chalk and crap, but it's a good idea. And and they they were they fixed that in me. You fix that in me.

And I I don't know how to handle things like that. You fix that in me. You repair things in me that I didn't even know could ever be fixed.

You repair things in me that were broken for so long I didn't even know that I just thought they were going to be that way forever. You make those things better in me. And by the time I'm getting into school and and having these problems and doing all these things, I just I'm I'm I'm an untreated alcoholic.

I have alcoholism and I have something wrong with me that later on I did not know how to describe until I got here. And what I learned was this is that when I take a drink, I seem to get thirsty. And by the time it's a year later after this Valentine's incident, I'm I get a chance to start this drinking deal going, great.

And I and I take this drink and I don't I get thirsty. I have something in me that just requires more and I don't seem to have an off switch and I don't know when to stop and I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and I find out that's called the phenomenon of craving. and that and that later on and when you're in seventh grade and sixth grade and you've got these things going on, you you know, we're in North Dakota.

You can't drink every day like you can in LA or the bario or the Bronx or wherever else everybody else drinks when they're three. You know, I mean, I it it's not every day at this point in time in my life. And by the time I get to the point that it's like that, I start looking like a guy with a drinking problem.

Because I'm drinking in the way that people drink when they're like that. I drink with a with this with this fierceness. I drink with this unquenchable thirst that doesn't ever seem to shut down.

And by the time that that this has a hold of me and I'm really going heavy in it, I I have people telling me, "You should stop." And I don't know how to stop. And and I'm starting to suffer consequences. And I start suffering the kind of consequences that you kind that you suffer when when you grow up angry.

And I and I got to hurt you before you hurt me. And and this I'm in a gym class. We're playing waffle ball.

And I and I and I go and I'm I'm going to park it, you know, and I swing and I strike out and the teacher laughs. So I hit the teacher with the bat, which makes me sound gangster, you know. It was a plastic bat and all he got was some welts.

But you do go to see counselors after the situation like that. And and I and I'm and these things are starting for me. I'm starting to have to go see people that are trying to start telling me to change my behavior.

and I don't know how to change my behavior because the only time I seem to feel okay is when I have a drink or something else in my system. And I've heard people say, I've heard drugs described as outside issues this weekend. I've heard them described that people talk about singleness of purpose.

Somebody said weed and there was 15 judgmental people that stood up and go, "That's against purpose. I DON'T THINK WE CAN GO TO NA." AND THEY FREAK OUT. And it's a part of my story.

And I'll tell you what, I one of my friends, Dawn, said uh I'm going to get in trouble. Uh he said, "I will take drugs out of my story as soon as you alter the big book and take him out of Dr. Bill's or Dr.

Bobs and Bill Wilson's." And um and I use everything. I will use anything to get out of my head for a short period of time. I will take anything that I can and I will try to fill this hole in me that is gaping and I can't seem to get a handle on what it is.

And all you do is keep telling me to stop because I look like a guy with a drinking problem. And you think if you remove alcohol from me that I will straighten out, that I will be okay. And I'm not.

I am not okay when I don't have something in me. And the consequences start piling up by the time I get it late into high school and get into college and and and I there's they're starting to get worse and they're starting to get bigger and and and I'm starting to experience things that that would make normal people stop. People with a drinking problem would stop when their mother looked at them and said when she looks at them and she says that uh she's ashamed she ever gave birth to you and you are no longer her son.

When you hear that and you have a drinking problem, you might want to straighten up. When you start waking up out of blackouts covered in blood and then you don't know where you've been the night before or where you whose it is cuz it's not yours, that's enough to stop. When you start doing things, washing machines look a lot like toilets.

They have a lid and it goes up. Corners look a lot like a bathroom. And if you pee in a corner, you can always say, at this point, I always know if there's Alanon participation at a conference because the drunks, they we laugh.

And the Alanons get this kind of fur brow and they go, I got to clean that up, you know, and they they relive a moment. They relive a moment. And and YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL IN THIS MOMENT THAT THAT'S THE CASE.

AND I AND I love when there's Alan on participation for a few reasons. One, if you can go out right now into this beautiful hospitality area and you can tell without having to look at the sign which one of those snacks and treats are provided by Alanon and which ones are provided by AA. The Alenon ones are all handmade and they're cakes and they're cookies and they're great.

And the alcoholic ones are the cheapest cookies that you could ever find that somebody bought on the way here cuz they forgot and somebody called and yelled at them. You can always tell, always. And and and you start doing things like this and you can see the Alanons, they they they're there, right?

And you can tell which ones are sponsored or not because the ones that are not sponsored in Alanon when the drunks come in with these crappy little cookies and you know that they're like from home because they're in a ziplockc baggie and they just threw some in. And the the ones the alinons that aren't working a program they'll be like come here you can have my cake here. Go put it down.

Tell them it's yours. And the ones that are sponsored like get your own cake. Maybe if you were more responsible and did some things listen to your sponsor perhaps.

Maybe maybe pull your head out of your butt. You could probably get a cake. And And you can tell who they are.

AND I AND I LOVE Alen on cake and cookies, man. They're good. And the consequences pile up and they keep piling up and they keep getting worse.

And I start rationalizing my behavior. I start saying things like, "You're part Irish. When you drink whiskey, you are supposed to beat people up.

It is part of your heritage. Anybody who drinks tequila goes to jail. That is completely okay." And I don't realize what what these things are.

is this obsession of the mind, this other thing that's wrong with me that I can't seem to figure out why I keep drinking again. When I know the consequences are looking at me, when I know I've got jail time and felony time and prison time, I know I have these things right here looking me in the face and I can't seem to stay away from a drink long enough so that those things cease to exist. That I keep getting in trouble and I keep having bad relationships and I keep burning things to the ground.

I keep losing jobs and I keep losing friends and my family doesn't want me and my life goes to hell and I can't I can't stop. regardless of what it is in any way, shape, or form that you tell me the consequence will be. It's this little thing that tells me it's going to be different.

It's going to be okay. It's because of this. It's because of that.

It's cuz you're with them. It's because you're with her. You know, if you wouldn't have done this, if you wouldn't have been here, if it and it just keeps telling me over and over again.

And it drives me to the point of insanity. And so, I look not just like a person with a drinking problem. I also start looking like a crazy person.

And I start looking like the kind of person that uh that you don't want around your family. And I start looking like the kind of person that uh you don't want want to be around anyone that you care about or love. And people start distancing themselves from me.

And um I got to the point before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous where uh I'm losing touch with reality. And if this has ever been a a thought that has happened in your head, I'm I'm sitting there and I and I'm 19 19 20 years old somewhere in there. And I get this idea after watching a movie that I must be possessed by demons.

And so I start cutting myself to let demons out of my body. If that is your rational thought to try to fix the reason why you have why you won't quit drinking, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Because that makes sense to me.

To me, it makes sense that I'm supposed to lay my flesh open to let something out of me because I can't quit no matter how much I try. It's ridiculous. That type of stuff looks like a crazy person.

So they start sending me to psychologists and psychiatrists and I had to take an MMPI and um anybody who's taken one of those you know exactly what the questions are. They ask you the same 4700 questions in three different ways and they start asking you things like are you sad? No.

Are you depressed? No. Do you have feelings of unhappiness?

Maybe. Do you have times where you're not as happy as other times? doesn't everybody?

And before I realize it, they've taken off the layers enough where I I have to eventually tell the truth. And the results of of that and psychologists and psychiatrists, they tell me that I am borderline schizophrenic. And I don't know what that really means.

If you're much this much more schizophrenic, you really are. If you're this much less, you're not. You only hear voices sometimes.

You know, I don't I don't really get that. They tell me that I have an authority disorder, that I'm ADD, ADHD. Um, it whatever would be bipolar today, you know, and of course you look a little bipolar when you get here.

I mean, you just took away the only thing that keeps me going when I'm up here and if you take it away, I'm really down here and I'm just up and down on a roller coaster and you throwing stuff at me and I look like a crazy person. And what I am is somebody who's suffering from alcoholism. What I am is somebody that desperately needs a solution of some type of power in their life.

And alcohol and the other things that I do are the only thing that seems to fix it. But I look like these other people. And so anything that anybody ever says to me has something to do with me stopping drinking or me stopping doing this or stopping this behavior and quit beating people up and quit hurting people and quit this and quit that and and and and they keep adding to the list.

and I don't know what's wrong. And by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was a uh I was a wreck. I was a real piece of work when I got here.

I walked into my first meeting on a Thursday. I hadn't showered since Sunday. I uh was working construction.

I'm not coming out of my work boots for the better part of a week at times. Um I'm uh I'm dirty and I'm filthy. I live like an animal.

I'm collecting for drug dealers. If you owe people money, I'm coming uh I'm the guy showing up at your door. And I'm emotionally and mentally unstable.

And I don't seem to have a soul. And I'm hurting people for money. And I'm doing things to God's kids and seeing things done to God's kids nobody's ever supposed to see or do.

And I had demons and I had things in my head that I didn't think would ever go away. I had things in me that were broken that I think I ever get fixed. And I'll call it synonymous repairs those cracks.

It fills those voids and allows me to live free. And I didn't think that was possible. And I came to that first meeting and uh there was a guy there named uh Francis.

And I'm show up at the cool newcomer time, you know, 7:59 and 58 seconds for the 8:00 meeting. And as I'm walking up to the door, he's like pushing the last smoker down the stairs. And he puts his hand out and he says, "Welcome.

People don't welcome me at this time in my life. I'm not welcome anywhere. I'm drinking a half gallon of carb a day.

Putting any kind of any any drug, any pill I can put into my system and anything else that's laying around. I am I am I I I am completely out of touch of reality. And the thing that's funny is is is that I heard people talk about their drinking and I would automatically completely just shut them out if it didn't seem that they drank the way I drank.

they must not be a real alcoholic, you know. And I I would listen for those differences. I would listen for those little things that people would say and and people would talk about wine coolers or zema.

I am like what? I do not drink wine coolers or zema unless there is nothing left. And um then I will be delicious.

Bartles and James is the best. Um, and this guy take I go down the stairs and and this guy named Kenny gets up and he starts sharing a story and and uh and it's the first time I've ever heard anybody say anything that resembles what's really going on in me. It's the first thing that anybody has ever said anything that made sense to me.

First thing he started talking about how he felt. He started talking about not being able to quit drinking. And he wasn't like the other people that were involved people in my life that were sitting there trying to tell me to stop and to change these actions and change these things about myself that I can't control.

And I got up and I ran out of that meeting and I uh I didn't even wait for it to get over. He got done speaking and I just got up and I b I bailed. I bolted and I grabbed that first drink and I threw it down.

And I grabbed the second one and my brain did not shut off. You know, when Teresa talked about feeling betrayed by alcohol, being betrayed by this thing that that that's supposed to have her back and supposed to be there. When she said that, I just kind of Yeah.

Yeah. I get that. I know what that's I know what that feels like when you when you just desperately want your mind to shut down for just just a little bit.

Just just long enough so you can feel like you can breathe for just a couple of minutes, please. And you and and Yeah. and it's not shutting down.

And the only thing going through my head is, "You're a loser. God, you're a loser." See, just a few weeks prior to this night, um I'm out on a reservation in uh in uh Bellport, North Dakota, and my car is gone and uh get up in the morning and and and I and I need something bad and I'm and I am sick and I'm not doing good. And they say, "Oh yeah, they'll be back.

They'll be back. They just went to go get stuff." And a guy comes out of the back room and he takes a couple pieces of bread and he puts them on top of a quart jar and he grabs this pine saw out from underneath the underneath the sink and he pours this pine saw through the bread and strains down into the court jar because that's how you purify pine saw. I don't know if anybody knows that, but you put bread on anything and it makes it okay and consumable and and he pours this pine saw through the bread and it goes into the court jar and then he hands it to the guy next to me and that guy takes a swig off of it and the guy next to him takes a swig off of it and I don't see him pass off pass out or fall down or do anything so I grab it and I just tip it back.

You do not drink pine salt because you need minty fresh breath. You know, you don't do that. You drink it to get something to just shut this off.

And I'm sitting there in this night and I'm going, "You drank pine salt a couple weeks ago, man. Your your your family's disowned you. You threw away everything positive in your life.

You're going to go to prison. You beat people for money. You're an animal.

You don't even shower. You stink. You're a piece of crap.

You you're you're garbage." And that's the only thing going through my head over and over and over again. Nonstop. It just won't stop.

And I make a decision that I'm done drinking. And um I won't uh I I call in sick to work that night because I know if I go to the shop on Friday that that there's going to be booze there because every Friday, see if the kind of place that I work is the kind of place at this point in time that that you can functionally work as an alcoholic. So if you're going to work Saturday morning, we only get the 8 gallon keg.

You know, we get the pony keg. If you if you have to if if you don't have to work Saturday, you get the 16gallon keg. and that that's that's acceptable.

And we drink every every single Friday in the shop. And I uh I detox over that weekend and um I'm throwing up blood and bile and I'm having hallucinations and I and I uh I go into uh to a seizure and I fall out of my bed and I'm screaming for God to kill me. Just don't let me wake up.

Just kill me. And I wake up in the morning and I'm mad at God again. See, that's the problem with somebody like me.

When I come to Alcoholics Anonymous, you start telling me I have to have a spiritual solution. You start telling me that I have to have this God of my understanding. And there is no way possible that that's going to work for me because he only works for good people.

And I'm not good people. I'm an animal and I'm crap. I'm letting demons out of my body by laying open my flesh for God's sakes.

What the hell? There is no way possible he wants anything to do with me. And I can't have that in my life.

And it's not for lack of knowledge or lack for trying. My dad is Southern Baptist, right? If anybody has ever been somewhere that is Southern Baptist, they make a joyful noise.

They do things that are cool. They got a band, you know, they got drums and a guitar in a church. And it's a really cool place if you're a kid who can't sit still very much cuz your parents going, "Shut up, stop." And they're hitting you like this because that's what you do to your kids in church when you're there to celebrate God.

And um and my mom is Norwegian Lutheran. We had some biblical conflict in our house and and my dad is the kind of guy that when the Jehovah's Witnesses would come to the door, he would invite them in and he'd sit him down in the middle of the living room and he'd say, "You boys need anything? I I'll be right back." And he comes back with his Bible and his Bible looks like my big book.

It is tabbed. It is highlighted. And he goes, "You boys ready?" And by the time he's done, these guys are walking out like this door to door thing kind of sucks and I really wish I had a car.

And you know, he's might he might be right, you know, and he's there. And he kept telling me, "Fear the Lord. Fear God." And I don't realize that biblically fear means to respect.

All I know is is that God I am scared of because if you do anything wrong and you don't listen to him and you try to run away from responsibilities and you go in the water, he swings a big fish to swallow you. If you have a lot of sex and do things that you aren't supposed to do and put place things places you're not supposed to go, sulfur and fire from the heavens, he burns you alive. Everybody messes up.

40 days, 40 nights, you all get to drown except for this one dude and his family and a bunch of animals, which I still judge to this day. And if you get too powerful, he sends a woman in to destroy you and cut off all your hair. and you tell me my solution is God.

I prayed to him to kill me and he let me live. So I don't want anything to do with him. And that's what I come into alcoholic synonymous with.

I walk up a sidewalk towards a group of people the next Thursday and and I walk up there and I'm I'm just about a week clean at this point in time and and and there's laughter and nobody's laughing the places I'm going unless somebody's hurt or fallen down or something like that. There's no laughter around me and there's laughter there. And this guy comes walking down the sidewalk towards me and I and I blow my fists up and I'm ready because I just know I walked out of that meeting last week.

I left four was over. And if he says anything, if he says anything and he doesn't say anything, he puts his hand out and he said, "Hi, my name's Jeff. You're new here, right?

You were here last week. Welcome." Man saved my life. >> >> and he took me into that Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and uh he asked me to read how it works.

And uh they knew how to make a newcomer feel special, you know? They really did. They had me read something right away, you know, and and and I'm not judging, okay?

I'm just reporting my experience and accurate facts that you should listen to because I'm right. And um if you have your home group and you're asking people that are 5 years sober to read how it works, shame on you because they're here already. I don't get that.

It makes me crazy. And and another thing is it just I I don't get it. If they would have done that that night, I don't know if I'd be here.

That man asked me to read how it works and he took me up to that meeting and he sat me down and they had me read and afterwards they made me feel special. He came up and he said, "When you read the third step tonight, a light came on for me. man, I got its true meaning.

And I just lit up. I was like, "Man, I will read every week if you guys want me to." And he said, "Um, you don't have a sponsor. Go over there and sit down and shut up." And um, and that's all they said.

Sponsor, sponsor, sponsor. Do you have a sponsor? Do you have a sponsor?

And I just made me crazy. And I couldn't stand the fact that sponsor, sponsor. And it's like everybody do it.

And then it's like you say sponsor and then like if you had spontes and you're sharing your experience, it's like they got the gun thing going. They're like, "Yeah, you got a sponsor?" Yeah. You know, and they're winking like it's some kind of joke, you know, like and I I want to play, you know, I've been wanting to be accepted my whole life.

What's this? And I'm and I'm and I'm tied into it and I'm excited and and they've got all this stuff going on and I just know that I got to have one of these things that they're talking about. And uh I I end up asking that guy and that guy uh that guy told me yes and he made me ask.

He didn't sit there and and say, you know, I'll I'll just guide you through the steps of AA and save your life. You know, I'm sitting there hitting around at it like I'm asking a girl out, you know, talking a lot about the sponsor thing, man. Do you do that?

you know, and and he made me ask. He made me ask and he and I had to ask. I had to lower whatever I had up here enough to ask for help.

And he made me ask. And that next week in Alcohol, the next two weeks in Alcoholics Anonymous, it I learned that you do not sleep in AA. You don't get to sleep here.

They go to coffee every night. And you know what they do is they get the brown-nosers, right? And you can tell who these guys are because they take you to coffee.

We had this place called um called Ryan's Family Dining in Manet, North Dakota. And you'd go there and they'd get a booth. Dudes don't sit in booths, okay?

Unless it's a drug deal or you're with a girl. And then again, there's no other dudes there. And they would stand there and and they would stand by the booth like this and they'd look waiting for me to get in the corner.

>> DO YOU SEE HOW BIG I AM? I DON'T GET IN A CORNER OF A BOOTH WITH A BUNCH OF DUDES and they're they're standing there and they they trap you and they do that because that way you can't run and then you you're there and and then you have the brown noises and they start and there was Ron and there was Jeff S and some other guys and they would start asking questions like this. So Jeff, why do you get a sponsor?

Why do we have a home group? And it was like some kind of bad Amway thing. And this isn't how it answered but I this is how I heard it.

It was like, "Thank you very much for asking there, Jeff. I just wanted to tell you you have a sponsor. Give you an emotional point of view of your life.

They help to guide you through the 12 golden steps which will let me you can live happy, joy, and free." Happy, Joyce, and free. But that'll pass. Next question.

And And it was just nonstop. And these brown-nosing jerks will just ask this guy questions until two weeks from then when we're at the 700 Club. And you can see him descending on this other guy from treatment.

Why do you know he's in treatment? Cuz he's wearing scrubs cuz he doesn't have any clothes. And you see him moving in on him.

And there's part of you that's like, "Run, run. You're never going to sleep again. They're making a coffee every single night.

Just just run." and and they get him and they take you go to coffee. You go back to Ryan's and all of a sudden you walk into the booth and you're pissed because you're going to make sit in a corner again and they're standing like this looking at that guy and he gets in the corner of the booth and you become the guy that gets to start asking the questions. So Jeff, can you tell me again why the third step is so important?

Why we have to say it every single day? Why do we turn our will in our lives for the care of God as we understand it? Thank you very much for asking Kelvin.

>> >> we turn our lives over cuz we can't seem to be able and and I'm like yes, you know, and I and I advance from there to be the guy that ends up being the guy that's getting asked the questions too, you know. So then you get the guys who are all the little brown nosers and they're trying to show off their sponsor and they're trying to trap the little newcomer so they don't have to sit in the corner of the booth and it's a progressive cycle and I'm excited because that is exactly what it was. and and I'm and I'm two days short of two year of two two weeks sober and I'm I I've had a sponsor for exactly a week and there's a part of that meeting where where it people would say anybody willing to be a sponsor please raise your hand and my sponsor elbows me I don't realize that this is a gesture of you now have a sponsor I throw my hand up and Ben comes up to me Ben had a big afro and pants that started somewhere between the middle of his thigh.

And as he's holding them up like this, he asked me if I would, mother blanking, be his sponsor. All I knew how to add. No.

All I could say to him was, "Are you going to coffee?" And he said, "Yes." And I said, "All right." And I go up to my sponsor and I say, "Hey Jeff, this guy asked me sponsor. I don't know what to do." And he said, "Tell him yes." And I Okay. And and what he did is he sponsored that guy through me.

And I I would go and I would sit down with Jeff and we would go through this book in the morning and and on Sunday mornings and I'd write everything down and I would get done with that and I'd hurry up and I'd fly across and I' and I'd go out to where Ben was and I would sit down and Ben was in the boy's ranch. And so you get admitted into the pod and you'd sit down and every once in a while there'd be these little um staff members and they want to make sure you're not passing drugs or doing anything inappropriate or anything else like that. And Ben gets up one day and he goes, "Hey man, I'll see you later." And he's on his way back to his pod and this counselor gets me on the way out and she goes, "Man, what the work you're doing with Ben is just fantastic." And and you seem to have a really good knowledge of the big book in the steps.

How long have you been sober? I said about 6 weeks. and this lady and her jaws on the floor and I I panic, you know, so I'm like, "Hey lady, some of us just get this thing faster than others." And from that day to this, I've been involved in both sides of sponsorship in AA.

And I have uh I have always done something. And I didn't realize how important that would be in my life. And I didn't realize how deadly that would be in my life because it got important because it is part in Bill's story where it says if we fail to perfect and enlarge our spiritual life through and for those of you who haven't read that, it does not say prayer and meditation.

It says through work and self-sacrifice for others, we will not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. They're certain. They're going to happen.

If I'm not involved in reaching out and trying to get you and trying to bring you along on this thing, I am not going to survive. I will not make it here because they're going to happen. And when you get to the point that I was when I was eight years sober, thank God I was doing that because it was the only thing I was pretty much doing right because I got really successful in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wanted to be a big deal here. I wanted to be somebody in AA and I'm doing anything and everything and I'm doing stuff that is just making other people in AA angry and I'm judgmental cuz if you don't do it like me, you are 100% wrong. If you don't do the steps like this, if you don't talk like this, if you don't do this, blah blah blah blah.

and I develop an AA resume and I have a list of all the wonderful things I do. And if you don't do those things, you don't get to say nothing to me because you're not good enough to. And I became an absolute animal in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I used the big book like a weapon. And I'm sitting there and I'm throwing out verse and scripture to people so that they really understand why they should do it like this and why they should do it like me. And by the time I'm 8 years sober AA, I have alienated myself from almost everybody I've sobered up with.

I don't have any friends. Guys I sponsor are leaving me and they're finding other people and they're telling me this. I uh I need to move in a more spiritual direction.

Just tell me I suck. Don't say more spiritual direction because I'm a spiritual icon. I listened to seven other speakers and I took all the things I said, twisted in my own words and said it to you with absolutely no belief in it at all and you should believe it.

And I am dying right smack dab in the middle of AA. I am the AA poster child of action. I will give you a full list of all the wonderful things I do to help all the people that I help.

And I and I'm so full of ego and ridiculousness at this time that I tell the guys that I sponsor at the time to to sit the guys they sponsor by them at the meeting. And it looks like they're trying to create community and family. No, what I want them to do is to have them sit by there so I get an accurate count so I can go onto my phone and I can pull up the calculator and figure out the percentage of all the people that I'm helping in AA directly or indirectly.

That is sick. And when you're a when if you're in a place in AA when you say I will never take a drink again. I would kill myself first.

That is not spiritually connected to a God. That is not recovery. That is a desperate need for power in your life because you've become God in your life.

And when you start saying things to guys like, "Don't worry about the higher power thing. I'll be your higher power until you can get one. If somebody says that to you, do not walk, run in the other direction.

Find someone else because I was sick in Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm becoming an animal in my home and my wife and my daughter walking eggshells around me and I've got this AA resume built up so much that I'm actually believing my own hype. And I was told that you become uh to the you get to the point where you're crushed by your own personality. Crushed by your own personality.

See, being a big deal in AA is like it's like being the kid on the short bus with the shiniest helmet, you know? I mean, you look great, but you're still on the short bus, man. Sorry.

Is that chrome? Mhm. You know, I I love your detail work.

You know, I'm still on the damn short bus. I I am emotionally I do not know how to play with you. I don't know how to to to reach out and be a part of your life.

I don't know how to do any of these things because the very needed power that I'm supposed to have to DO THAT STUFF, I DON'T HAVE BECAUSE I'M PLAYING GOD. I'M IN HIS WAY. I don't have any clue.

I don't have a I don't I don't even know what to do. And I'm killing myself in AA. Trying to be the best AA I can be when all I have to do is be the best kid of God I can be.

That's all I had to do. All I had to do was start correcting some of these things. And for years in Alcoholics Anonymous, people didn't believe that I had changed.

I am not that guy today. There are days that I am off my game, man. But I am not that guy today.

I know I know not to play God in the people in people's lives around me. I know not to take credit for his gifts. I don't know.

I know not to take his grace and to make it my own successes. And when I get to the point where that stuff starts happening, it does not take me very long to see it because I know what that hell feels like. People talk about pitiful incomprehensible demoralization.

It seems to be a theme for the entire weekend. I was like that sober NAA doing everything under the sun, driving three states away to go listen to a speaker and drive home. Going and doing everything.

I was the I was the co-chairman of the state roundup. I was the chairman of the the inner group. I'm the PI rep for the inner group.

I'm I'm I'm I've got seven H&I meetings I've started. I've got all of these things going down. Why am I dying?

Why am I just so disconnected from all of you? And I had to get to the point that my sponsor refers to as a second surrender. I had to get to the point here where I was so crushed by my own personality that I had to reach out for something else.

Then I had to rediscover a power in my life that was not me. My friend Lee says, "Uh, you know the big difference between me and God?" And I was like, "No, man. What?" He goes, "He never gets up in the morning and tries to be Kelvin Daniels.

>> >> He never he never he never tries to be me. But I get up I I've gotten up many mornings and tried to be him. And I've tried to play and direct everything in my life to get to the point where that all made sense and it all worked out the way I wanted it to.

And I had to get back into those steps. I had to get back in that book. And I had to get back into a program of recovery.

I had to start. See, part of the whole thing with unity, service, and recovery, there's no unity if you're so judgmental. nobody wants to be around you.

There's no ability to have any type of of service when you're the one dictating it to everyone. So, you can't get the spiritual gains from it. When you wear it like a badge of honor and you go around, you put it in everybody else's face and so you can show them how much they're not doing here.

And there's no recovery unless you have the ability to correct those things and allow God into your life to take a place of the power that you desperately need that you're not it. And uh I got a uh I got a different sponsor and and he had me start taking actions that I did not want to take. Started having me do things that I thought were beneath me initially and a because I'd already done them all.

Haven't you ever heard the things that I've done and said, "Have you seen my resume? It's this this thing right here says authority on the steps. I can recite them to you and and tell you how to do them the right way because you don't.

And um I had to get back into it. I had to start from scratch. I had to I started referring to myself as one of God's kids.

See, I I when I pray, I say, "Father God," because it's easiest way for me to to think about it without complicating it because I I have a tendency to take things and twist them out of direction. It's because that the book tells me my relationship is supposed to be. He's the father and I'm the son.

It doesn't make any sense. I don't get to tell dad what to do. I'm his child.

I'm his kid. And I got here a piece of crap. And I get to stay here, one of God's kids.

I get to be that guy today. And I had to start doing some things. And I had a lot of stuff in and and aa started uh popping things up in front of me that I did not think was possible to fix.

And I had this disconnect with my parents. I had this disconnect with those areas of my life. And I uh I got to go make amends.

And uh I get asked to speak in in um the big deep south in Louisiana in Rollins. And and uh and I called my sponsor and I said, "Hey man, my my my real dad's name was Kelvin Jerome Montgomery. and uh do you think it'd be cool if I if I got to ask if anybody knew who he was and maybe I get a chance to meet him?

And he said, "Yeah, man. You can do that." And and I did. And I and I got down there and and I and I say, "Hey, if anybody's ever ran into this Kelvin Jerome Montgomery, can you please get a hold of the conference chair Angel and and let her know and and and I just really like a chance to meet him and correct some things from when I was young, please?" cuz he was from Baton Rouge.

So, they got to know. And that was on a Sunday. And I flew home and on Wednesday I got the call and my dad was I found I had a dead dad.

He's dead. And I got angry at God again. See, I put expectations on relationships.

And the very thing that I do this when I do this this separation, I create it between me and God. And there's such a void and such a gap there that it's not possible for me to allow him to work in my life because I put expectations on his plan. And what the plan was is that it was supposed to be like it was with these couple of guys that I sponsored.

And I sponsored this guy, Lee. And Lee got to correct and he got to go meet his dad. And he went to California and he got to drive a Lotus because his dad is rich.

And Lee calls me from the damn ocean standing there at a sunset and he's and he's blubbering AND HE'S LIKE, "MAN, IT'S the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It's like footprints." And my footprints are actually in the sand and they go out and I got driven lotus. My dad gave me $1,000 and I get to I got Christmas and I got the car and I'm like, "YEAH." SO, I KNOW WHEN I GO TO LOUISIANA, I'm going to say this story and it's going to be this beautiful Lifetime movie moment or it's going to turn out like Brent and see Brent searched for his parents and Brent found out he's part Cherokee and he went and found his parents and he got in touch with his culture and he ended up being like like related to something that was like somebody important and he like went out there and he learned about smudging and all kinds of cool stuff and he and he got spiritual and and full of life and love and I got dead dad and I got mad at God and I am done.

I've put the work in. I've changed all these things. My what the hell?

What do you mean I get dead dad? That does not right. It's not fair.

And I was so mad. I got I got tired in AA for a while of of being the guy that no matter how far down the scale we've gone, we'll see our experience can help others. sober.

I get it when I'm drinking. I get it that that that I' I've got to use the stuff that I've done wrong in my past to help others. But why do I have to go through it sober?

These guys over here, they get cool stuff and they get cool ideas and people treat them special and people buy them nice things and their family, their mom's not a prescription drug addict that can't be around her grandkids. I have that. That's crap.

It's not fair. And I started this list of things that I'm supposed to get because damn it, I do stuff in AA. I'm playing God.

I created expectations that were unfair and not true. I created things when I when I made that decision in the third step. I really I I got to do whatever his plan is.

I got to be built into whatever he chooses me to be. And uh two years after that, I got asked to go speak in Coington, Louisiana. And uh and and the this the speaker or the uh my host said, "Hey, we we know what grave what graveyard your dad's in and uh I can take you there." And I got up and I flew in early and he and he drove me over to uh Mississippi and and uh took me to military graveyard and I wrote the letter and I took the letter and I and I took that letter and I signed it on the bottom.

Kelvin Jerome Montgomery. That would have been my name when I was a junior. And I took it to that graveyard and I and I read that letter and I felt something.

And I had just went to the gas station. I just bought a brand new lighter and I lit this corner and I lit this corner and I lit this corner. I lit this corner because that's how you properly destroy a document.

For those of you that are going to properly burn something on a graveside amends, that's exactly how you do it. If you don't do it that way, you're wrong. And um just trying to help.

And um and I and I in the in the corners start burning in and and as the ashes are going up, I feel this connection to the spirit and uh I reach uh I reach reach down and and I and I prayed and I started walking away and I looked down and there's a corner of the piece of paper laying there and I pick it up and I'm like great. And I pick up this piece piece of paper and I grab this brand new lighter I just bought. Try to light it and it won't light.

Try to light it. Won't light. Try to light it.

Won't light. And I get mad. You know, I just had this great experience and that I know I'm getting screwed, you know.

I always get somebody always sucks, you know. And I start getting mad and I grab the piece of paper and I open it up and it says uh Kelvin Drone Montgomery on it. It's the only spot in the letter where I had written my name and uh was in the corner.

There's no way it should have not burned. And I figured that's what he must have wanted. And I took that and I uh dug a little hole and I buried it next to it.

See, I don't know what the plan is. I don't know what the plan is. I don't know what the direction is.

I don't know anything. All I know is is that if I do what I'm supposed to do here and I treat you like God's kids instead of something that you're supposed to do, if I quit playing him in your lives long enough where he can take an effect in mine, I can truly serve. I can truly be a part of something here.

I want to thank the uh I want to thank the committee for uh for asking me to be here. Uh Connie, thank you. And I want to thank my members of my home group and my friends from Wisconsin and from South Dakota that came over.

Carla and Doug and and uh just love you. Can't wait to hear you till see you tomorrow. I want to thank the uh the members of Alanon family group that have been uh so gracious.

Um I you guys don't realize this, but when you go back to Colorado, Adam is going to ride with you. Um for those of you who didn't hear Kira's uh or Yeah. Elely Keely Keely.

Yeah. What? Her name starts with a K and it sounds funny.

So, and I'm emotional so I don't have to pronounce it right. You can't judge me. And um she we sat at dinner and Adam said, "And I got a job." And she clapped for him and thought that was the greatest thing ever and he's been following her around the rest of the weekend.

And um I want to thank you for the uh for the love and the kindness that you've shown someone like me. I get to remain here as one of God's kids. I get to remain here connected to you because of the gift and the miracle and the life that you've given me that I did not deserve.

And I am truly grateful and truly blessed. Thank you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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