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>> My name is Kent. I'm an alcoholic. >> Really glad to be here.

Take care of some housekeeping chores. I want to thank the committee for inviting my wife and I up here. Um this is quite a crowd.

I I am not a circuit speaker. I don't do this. Uh I speak a lot locally, but this is by far the largest crowd I've ever spoken in front of.

Um luckily I have some old friends here. Um the fruit basket um which had a lot of chocolate in it, which is what I ate. Um I don't think I' I eat one banana and I've eaten probably about two pounds worth of chocolate since I got here.

So thanks for that. I don't keep chocolate in the house for a reason. Um but it was quite a treat and uh for thanks to Trish and uh Rick for hosting Corey and I, you know, it's pretty cool.

um to be in a place like this. I always get nervous. I don't I don't get afraid anymore, but I get nervous.

And uh I like what my wife says. I I get nervous actually for Alcoholics Anonymous because everything I have, not I mean not just my life, but everything good I have in my life is a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon. And uh I want to be able to put into words what this program means to me and what it's given me.

And I always like to say what my first sponsor said whenever he talked is that the only thing I really hope you get when I'm done is that there's no way I got from where I was September 18th, 1998 to where I am tonight by anything that I did. You know, I mean, I I suited up and I showed up and I did the things you all told me to do. And somewhere along the line before I got to step 12, I had a spiritual awakening and my attitude and outlook upon life had changed.

Um, and it's, you know, it's that old AA cliche that if, you know, my first day in Alcoholics Anonymous, if I had written down what I wanted out of life, I'd have, you know, cheated myself. And I remember hearing that like, you know, Yeah, right. Um, and then looking back and I haven't been sober that long, it's like I would have sold myself.

It's absolutely so terribly short. Um, so just I absolutely love this program. You know, I'm supposed to tell you in a general way um what I was like, what happened to me, and what I'm like now.

And I always want to uh start off a little icebreaker. A lady I spoke recently at a little place in Milbrook um outside of Wumpka and a good friend of mine Vicki said, you know, are you nervous? And I got to thinking it was kind of a small group and I said, you know, I'm really not nervous because I have embarrassed myself in a large front of a large group of people before uh when when I was in the army and I was uh sent down to Panama where I spent many years.

I was with a group. We used to travel across the world and we'd teach different outfits, foreign armies, different stuff. And uh we were down there and we were going to train uh back when Noriega was supposedly a friend of ours.

We were training his uh Israeli trained commandos on some advanced terrorism techniques and ambushes and raids and stuff like that. And I'd been through a six week Spanish course up at Fort Bragg. So, you know, I had a translator, but I didn't need a translator.

I've been speaking Spanish for 6 weeks, right? And so uh the night before I'm writing my preliminary notes and stuff like that and I'm drinking as I always want to do and uh so I'm sitting I'm writing down you know you always want to say something nice about the host country and the people so I'm writing it down and I'm translating in English you know I said okay I want to say this and this I said okay you know people people what's the word for people in Spanish I'm like I don't remember something in English you know people human man mankind that's it right so so that's what I did so I got up the next day and there's uh 720 Panameanian commandos up there and I get up there and my little translator Luis Ray is sitting by me and I said and I'll say you what I said I said notogo and I realized the look on their faces I'm like oh my god I've done something horrible and what I had said was hi I'm Sergeant Long I love your country and I like Panameanian >> >> So, so that was uh that was a showstopper. So, uh you know, with my keen alcoholic mind, I could tell from the facial expressions that I had said something arry and I and I turned to Reyes and I'm like, "Dude, what did I say?" And he's like, "Man, you just said you like Panameanian men." I was like, "Okay." So, he was able to clear that up.

Um But so if I embarrass myself tonight, it won't be the first time. Um I was born, starting the beginning, I was born May 18th, 1962. I will turn 46 um this Sunday.

Um I like what the lady said this morning at the meeting that was 50 years old. You know, to me and her, that's pretty cool because neither one of us planned on being here that long. So that's a that's a blessing.

I was born in Tokyo, Japan. Uh my father worked for the CIA and he was stationed over there. and I had a brother that was 13 months older and 3 years after I was born a little sister.

Um there's no active alcoholism in my immediate family and my sister and my brother are both disgustingly normal people. Um you know they went through life, they went to college when they were supposed to. They got married.

They have kids. Their kids are normal. They're great parents.

They're, you know, productive me. They live their lives the way I was raised in the same house. Um, I just didn't I have a disease of perception and uh I just didn't turn out the same.

But, you know, I was raised in the same house and I I've been through a few treatment centers and I I remember early on at some of those treatment centers, you know, there's some people that have really had a pretty hard go of it. A lot of, you know, physical, sexual, emotional abuse. And I used to say, man, I wonder I wonder if I'm repressing something because that's why these people are alcoholics and addicts because look at the horrible things.

Of course, that's why they drink and use. you know, I wonder if I had an a repressed memory. And uh you know, the bottom line is I just drank myself into this deal.

Um you know, the book talks about the difference between a hard drinker and a real alcoholic. And you know, I know I started off as a hard drinker and I became a real alcoholic. And I don't know when it happened, but I know I was drunk when it when it did occur.

Um I spent the first three years of my life was was in Japan and then we moved to Taiwan. Um and then we moved back to uh well back to for me the first time Washington DC area and that's where my parents still live today and uh when I lived in the states I guess that would that would be home and went to St. Michael's parochial school kindergarten first grade second grade and then uh we went to Switzerland for three or four years.

I had asthma very very badly. I was actually given last rights by a priest when I was uh about three years old. Um you know so I was I was never particularly large.

Um, I'm not large now, but I was until I was 12, I was really, really stunted. So, I think I kind of grew up with that little Napoleon complex. Um, and I had an older brother.

You know, Cory talks about her rivalry with her little sister. My older brother, I mean, you can imagine me now. I'm I'm 5'5, about 140 lbs.

Okay, 145. It's an honest program. Uh, you know, my brother in 8th grade was 5'10, 180 lbs, and was shaving.

And, uh, and I think in seventh grade I was like 4'8 and 82 lb. And uh he always he was like a straight A student and I was a B student. Um he was incredibly athletic.

He was enthusiastic. Um you know but the interesting thing is you know I always liked uh the disease of perception you know Chuck Chamberlain series his talk because nobody in my family ever said why can't you be more like your brother? You know my brother never said that.

It's just I decided early on I didn't measure up, you know, and that's nobody told me that. No one ever said that. Um, you know, so it was always a one-way one-way rivalry with him.

And uh I was one of those alcoholics that when I got here, I kind of thought that uh there was really nothing wrong with me except I drank too much. Um until, you know, they told me to keep coming back. And I, you know, and I had these little moments of clarity of growing up that, you know, at the age of seven years old, my best friend, um, Joe Kay, who lived down the street from me, he had a 19-year-old sister.

and we'd go over to his house and I would steal her costume jewelry and wrap it up and give it to my mother as a present. You know, it's like I thought everybody did that. And uh I've learned that, you know, probably that's that's not true.

Um I learned early on how to uh how to lie to adults. You know, that old honesty is the best policy. You know, I I absolutely did not have any physical abuse in my life, but you know, my parents did use the belt, and I'm just making this up.

But, you know, the first time I can recall being honest, I got spanked. Erggo, honesty is for suckers. Um, and so I I learned how to lie.

I I learned how to lie. And uh my my dad doing what he did, we entertained a lot, you know, and I remember at the age of seven, I mean, I would not a full suit, but a blue blue pants, white shirt, and a tie. And I knew how to set a a table for like six people to include, you know, the 16 forks and all that.

All I mean, I knew that at the age of seven and when adults would come over. Why, Mrs. Wong, what a fetching dress.

You know, what seven-year-old should ever have to know how to say crap like that. Um, but you know, but I learned early on how to say things to adults. And I remember what a precocious child you have.

Um, you know, I was uh my vocabulary was advanced beyond my years. and especially from living overseas, we didn't have TV and both my parents read, were avid readers and I grew up reading um you know and I used that to manipulate people um and to tell people um what I wanted what I thought I wanted them to hear. And that was pretty cool until I got sober at the age of 36 and realized I didn't know who I was.

I had lost myself along the way. And I used to laugh not being part of the 60s generation. I was, you know, a little bit after that, but in the 60s, you know, dude, I'm trying to find myself, you know, and then here it was in 1998 at 36 understanding exactly what they were talking about.

I had no idea what I liked, you know, my wife said this day, I didn't have opinions, you know, the last seven, eight years of drinking, I just drank. Therefore, where I was, I I didn't have any opinions. Um, but you know, I always mentioned my family of origin because it was important for me that uh for me is it wasn't my environment.

you know, I just drank myself into this deal and you know, I I probably do have a genetic predisposition for this, but uh I did all the drinking. My my life started for me uh at the end of eighth grade, my dad came home and said, "We're moving to Singapore." You know, and we said, "Sweet." You know, where is it? You know, and we got the Atlas out and we found out and so we moved there.

And uh it was really good for me because nobody knew my brother, nobody knew anybody. It was kind of a flesh fresh slate for me. And uh I started my high school there.

So I wasn't leaving a high school and that's when I met uh you know it's funny living in the DC area all the people that we met as adults you know all the adults were you know military state department you know they were suits briefcase people and in Singapore the Americans there were oil people they were from Texas Oklahoma Louisiana completely different breed um these people worked hard and they party hard and uh I loved it and I loved them and uh we moved and in Singapore there's no drinking age at at all. Uh I mean we like you heard Cory say we could go into the Hyatt Regency Hotel at the age of 14 and order a drink and it was no big deal. Um my parents were two martini a night drinkers um and still are.

Uh so alcohol wasn't a big deal for me and I I I knew I grew up um having wine on Sundays for dinner and never had an allergic reaction until I drank enough of it. That was the kicker. Um and when I got to Singapore that's that's what happened.

um met the Warren brothers, these three boys. Their dad was a a big wig in one of the oil companies and uh they had a big expense account and they could just charge stuff to their rooms and started drinking Heineken beers, you know, and I never had a spiritual experience drinking my my first couple beers. Um but it made me it made me fit in, you know, I was uh I became very comfortable.

Um prior to that, I was relatively shy and introverted. Um and I really became an extrovert uh in high school. Um, you know, Cory said I was, you know, student body president when I graduated and um, class favorite and king of the junior senior prom.

Um, and that it wasn't doesn't that didn't mean I was drunk all the time. I, in fact, I didn't really have a lot of drinking problems in high school, but it gave me confidence. It gave me a false sense of confidence as it turned out.

Um, and I was able to come out of my shell and make friends. Um, I didn't drink every didn't drink every weekend, didn't drink every day. Um, I know I missed one football practice because I went to the bar with some friends, which was not unusual before practice and uh I was too drunk and that happened once and then I had a blackout on my 18th birthday on May 18th, 1980 and that was because of tequila.

Um, and that's the only thing that happened in high school. By October of 1980, I was drinking a gallon of Carlo Rossi Paiso wine before noon every day. It it happened that quick.

Um, and what happened to me was uh I don't I was not I was not and am not an angry alcoholic. Um I I don't relate to anger. Um I'm much more comfortable with self-pity and fear.

Okay, that's that's what I do. Self-pity and fear. Um and what happened when I graduated high school and I moved to uh Flagstaff, Arizona, um I wanted to be a forest ranger.

Um, I did I did know nothing about what the career entailed. I thought you wore a green outfit and hung around in the woods and that's what I wanted to do. Um, but the uh the degree is forestry and I knew that.

I mean, cuz I picked uh it was Northern Arizona University was back in the day was the third best in the country for forestry. But I had no idea that was a science degree. I'm a liberal arts type of guy really, you know, history, foreign languages, social studies, geography, uh, anything to do with math and science.

Yeah. Not so good. And so when I met my guidance counselor and she told me all these classes I had to take, I was absolutely filled with fear.

Um, you know, and it's it's just amazing. College freshmen on average, what do they say? By the time they graduate, change their major like 12 or 13 times.

I mean, it's perfectly normal, but it never occurred to me. I was just filled with fear. And uh, I stopped going to classes if I thought I couldn't do well.

Um, you know, I never even tried to go and maybe I could do this. uh consumed with fear and and I didn't know anyone there. There was 13,000 people.

There was 99 people in my graduating class in high school, but only 33 of us had been there for four years. And uh it was just a bad deal. And I ended up my parents pulled the financial plug after two semesters of that.

Um you know, because I just wasn't wasn't performing. And uh I know I bummed around the the state for about a year. I'm not really sure what I did.

I I truly don't recall. Um, but I do know at some point my dad knew where I was and he said he got me an appointment to the Virginia Military Institute. When was I interested?

And I said, "Well, I got nothing else going on. Let's give it a shot." And uh, so I went there and I I managed to last two and a half years there. Um, because there were no women, there was no alcohol, you couldn't have a car, and they marched you to class.

Okay, that's uh, that's a pretty good deal for a guy like me. um you know and it was amazing because that was my first exposure to structured discipline and I found out I did quite well in that and it amazed me years later reading in the big book where it says you know we alcoholics are undisiplined lot and through this program we let God discipline us and I was like that was one of my aha moments ah I've been looking for it you know I could relate to the speakers that talked about even in kindergarten feeling like that everybody else in class had the rulebook for life except them you know I've been looking for how do you do this deal. I've been looking for it all my life.

I know people have told me how they do it and I've seen it and they got the same instructions, but I just don't hear what they hear. And so when I was at VMI, I did okay. But uh the problem with a four-year degree is it takes four years, you know.

And uh I also like what uh you know, one of the speakers uh I heard Wayne Butler talked about being the 50 yard man in a hundred yard dash and I could relate to that. uh you know, I'll get halfway faster than anybody. I just don't close the deal.

I just don't close the deal. Um and so after 2 and 1/2 years, uh I left. I remember home at Christmas and I told my parents, you know, and I'm leaving.

I'm going to enlist in the army. And that's what I did. And I went to uh Fort Benning, Georgia.

I went to basic infantry school, airborne school, and ended up in the 82nd Airborne up in uh Fort Bragg, North Carolina. And uh what happened is uh I spent the next 10 years jumping out airplanes and doing different stuff with different people and different types of airborne units around the world. Um and just drinking more and more.

Um I'm alive today because I was in the military. The units I was in was in three different units. The first unit we spent about six months the of the year in the field.

There was no alcohol. The second unit I went to spent about nine months of the year in the field. So there was nine months I couldn't get alcohol.

on the last unit, sometimes up to a year, we'd be deployed somewhere and I couldn't drink. Um, but always when we came back, especially that last unit, it was an unconventional unit and uh they'd say just take a month off, you know, and I I'd get mad when I got a month off. Um, all I do is drink.

Uh, and no matter where I went, there was alcohol and and I remember thinking, I'm too young. I can't be an alcoholic. Uh, you know, what did uh what was Bill C talking about last night?

diagnosed the guy with the trench coat under the bridge and um and also I was a beer drinker. I only drank beer and I was in great physical condition. I didn't drink every day.

How can you spend 6 months without alcohol and be an alcoholic? Well, I'll tell you how. We'd come back.

We'd usually jump back wherever we live and we'd, you know, march 18 miles or so back into the barracks and you clean weapons, get off about 3:00 in the morning and people would usually just be passed out in the hallways so so exhausted and I would get up no matter how late it was and go to the shop bet and get a six-pack. wouldn't even think of alcohol for six, nine months, but if I was in a place where it was, I couldn't go to sleep until I had a six-pack. Um, so what happened to me is, uh, you know, things were just, uh, I don't know, I I just knew I wasn't living right and uh, I was maybe 30 31 years old and I was taking stock of my of my life and what's going on and what's wrong and you know, and I realized that the people that had the things that I were attracted to were they were family men.

They were responsible. They had a wife. I had kids and I figured that's what I lacked.

I needed some responsibility. So, I married a Panamaeanian prostitute I knew who had a who who had a seven-year-old daughter. Okay.

Instant family. Um, you know, there's there's a radio program down out of Charlotte, North Carolina called John Boy and Billy, and they always have this thing, you know, how'd that work for you, these guys named Dorton Hilbert, and the answer is always not too good. Um, but probably not for the reasons you think.

What what happened is that was the first time since I was 18 that I was out of a barracks a dormatory type existence and uh I had to do things like pay rent, pay my phone bills, balance the budget and I found out I was incapable of doing that. Um and my life started spiraling out of control and I was consumed with fear, with shame, with guilt and just like a spree. What helped those feelings?

I drank more. The more I drank, the worse things got. The more shame, fear, guilt, remorse, the more I drank.

That was my spiral. Um, I would do things like on a Friday, get drunk and buy my wife a $300 dress. And that was the rent money on Monday, you know.

Uh, and I couldn't I couldn't tell people, "How do you do this deal?" You know, I I can't do this. I I'm unable to do what 16-year-olds that are emancipated can do. And and I I can't do it.

I don't understand. Um I won't go into the but the schools I'd been to in the military, I was either distinguished honor or undergraduate from every single school. Um how how can I not be able to do this?

Uh and eventually what happened is um I missed three days of work, you know, and if you work for Crispy Cream, that's okay, but uh if you work for the army, they call it AWOL. And um so my buddies came and got me and uh you know, lo and behold um I was a solitary drinker. So, I thought nobody knew.

Um, it was that Bill was also talking about that that smell, you know, doesn't matter how many times you shower, once you hit a certain saturation point, it comes out of the pores. So, everybody knew that uh that I was bad to drink. And uh they sent me to a treatment program up in uh Fort Gordon, Georgia, 6 weeks long military.

And uh you know, I I am not a a quick study. I I've gotten recovery uh slowly. Um that was 1992 not sorry 91 actually 91 it was 6 weeks long and when I got out of that treatment center was that I was an alcoholic.

Um they introduced me to the disease concept of alcoholism and they proved to me beyond a doubt that I was an alcoholic. Um and I know they talked about the steps and they talked about alcoholics anonymous. Um all I heard was I'm an alcoholic and the solution is not to drink.

and I'm a pretty tough guy and and I do have willpower and I've been able to use it successfully and I'm not stupid so I'm not going to drink. So I went back to Panama and uh went six months without a drink and uh I'm one of those guys. I'm not a white knuckler.

If if I'm medically detoxed I don't I don't think about alcohol. Um and I was like wow, you know, not not too shabby here. When you drink the way I did when you stop I felt better.

I could eat. I was getting along with my wife better. Um, I said, "Wow, this variety thing is pretty good." I never went to a meeting and 6 months later during uh carnival, which is what you all call Marty Gro.

You know, my wife went into a dress shop, I turned around, there was a Surveysa Panama beer cart and I had two beers. Um, and I stopped and I was like, well, this is interesting because I thought what they said is if I ever drank again, I'd become a raving lunatic. That's what I thought they said.

And I had two beers and I stopped. So, I'm like, maybe I was too hasty in this diagnosis and I had two more, right? And then I had a six-pack the Saturday, blah, blah, blah.

Three weeks later, I was drunk on duty. All right. Now, this was bad timing for me.

For some of you old-timers, remember the days of Velcro rank? You know, you could, you know, be in a first sergeant on a Friday, get busted for, you know, whatever on a weekend, they break it down to an E5 and 90 days later bring it back. Well, this is 1992 and President Clinton was drawn down the military.

So, they really had to set some stringent rules. And when I went to that treatment center, um, not being a lawyer, I don't read what I sign. I just sign.

And, uh, there's a paperwork said if I had a drug or alcohol incident within a year, I'd be summarily discharged from the United States Army. And, uh, and that's what happened to me. Um, I lost my career.

Um, and I lost more than that. I lost my identity. My entire identity was my uniform.

Um, I was absolutely completely shattered. Um, I was nothing without my uniform. I I didn't know who I was.

I didn't have a purpose for living. I was also I am now responsible. I have a wife and a daughter.

Uh, I have no marketable skills. I'm not a tradesman. Um, I don't change my own oil today.

I can change a light bulb. Um, I I'm not handy and I have no college degree and I got, you know, two and a half years of liberal arts classes. Um, you know, and I jump out of airplanes and shoot people.

That's that's pretty much my resume. Um, so what I did was I drank I drank more. I drank more and uh I ended up back in the States ahead of my wife and daughter.

They were waiting for visas and uh I had, you know, a fair amount of money um saved up that the army had saved up for me. And so I got a hotel room and I just drank for two weeks and I got alcohol poisoning and uh ended up in another 28-day program and then into a one-year program. Um and at this point my wife and daughter are back in the States and they're staying with her sister and her her husband like 30 miles away and I'm in this apartment deal with other alcoholics and addicts, you know, and I got other all my roommates are alcoholics and addicts.

got group counseling once a week and I got individual counseling once a week and I had to go to uh five AA meetings a week and I went to five or six a week for a year. Didn't have a sponsor. I didn't work the steps.

Okay? And this is important for me. This is like I said, this is my experience.

Um keep coming back doesn't work for me. Um because I got problems other than alcohol. Me um when I'm removed from the drink, I get worse.

Um you know, my book tells me drinking is but a symptom. Um, the steps are designed to change me. The steps are designed to produce the spiritual awakening.

The steps are designed to change my attitude and my outlook upon life. The steps are designed to remove the obsession to drink from me. If I don't do the steps, an alcoholic like me is doomed.

Um, and I'm telling you, I went to these meetings and I sat up front. I enjoyed the meetings. I didn't sit in half measures row.

I didn't scoff. I loved the meetings. I just didn't hear.

I, you know, I know now I used to beat myself up. I just I just wasn't freaking ready. Um, but seeds were planted, you know, and I didn't have a home group, too.

You know, in the me in the large metropolitan areas, there's thousands of meetings, and I'd go to just different meetings, you know. Um, it may even take me six months to get back to a place I'd been before. Um, and I thought I was doing great.

You see, once again, I was under some type of discipline. I was in a supervised apartment program, you know, and uh, and things went well until I graduated. And then I moved 30 mi away back in with my wife and my stepdaughter and uh I stopped going to AA meetings.

Um I honestly thought when I got my one-year medallion like it was some type of graduation deal. Um and what happened is I lasted I lasted six months after that. Um once again I went to a grocery store and the idea of a beer popped into my mind.

Just a quart that's all. Just a quart. Um, and you know what happened is, uh, my wife, God love her, uh, she didn't know anything about alcoholism, but all she knew was I was bad to drink and shouldn't be drinking.

Um, and you know, I was one of those I drank a lot of beer and I'd eat Tic Tacs like nobody could smell beer. Um, and she knew I was drinking, right? And so she she'd nag.

And uh, it didn't take me but four days to uh, made a conscious decision to choose alcohol over my family. Um, because I couldn't drink the way I wanted to drink. and be in that house.

And I came home one day and I said, "I'm leaving." Um, and I've not seen her or my stepdaughter since that day. And uh, that was 90 94 95. Um, in my first home group in your oney year anniversary, you got up and told your story and I said from the podium that we were separated, you know, my sponsor pulled me aside and said, you know, there's actually a legal term for what you did and it's called abandonment.

Um, you know, and then that's what alcohol did. I I chose alcohol over my family. Um, and I at the time I was working for the airlines and I moved in with three pilots, uh, a little single family home up in Hearnman, Virginia, right near the airport.

And, uh, I had had enough alcohol treatment that I probably could have qualified for a drug and alcohol counselor. Um, I knew what I was and I didn't care. I was at that part in the big book that says, you know, you either go on to the bitter end or accept spiritual help.

And I was ready to go on to the bitter end. I was convinced that I was going to die. Alcoholism.

I didn't care. Um, I wasn't hurting anybody but me. And what happened is, uh, the first time that I can say in my life that I can look back and say, "Aha, this is this is a God moment, you know, I guess those who heard the Corey speak, you know, I got my first computer in February of 97.

I had never touched a computer in my life. And I I bought it and went to work that day and told the guys, got a computer, I got an AOL account. What do I do with it?" And they told me there's some different search engines.

And the very first word I ever typed in the search engine was Singapore, you know, and I was like, "Hey, look at that." And uh found out my high school had a bulletin board. I was like, "Wow, that's pretty cool." And uh that's where I saw a message. It said from Corey H.

Um class of 1980. And it was the only message from the class of 1980. And I knew who Corey H was.

Like I said, there was only 99 of us in the class. And I hadn't killed that many brain cells. And uh so, you know, you heard the deal.

Sent the email, called her, and uh still laugh. 11 hours. You know, 18 beers in 11 hours.

That's controlled drinking for me. That's thirsty. Uh, you know, we say we got married cuz we couldn't afford to date.

The phone calls were too expensive. Um, you know, and what happened is I moved I moved down here with her. Um, I took her hostage.

Um, I re I really did. Um, and you'll hear how pretty soon, but you know, I was reaching out. You know, this was a woman that knew me for the last time in my life when I was Happy Jos and Free in high school.

you know, when I was kind of the last time I felt I was kind of living God's God's plan for me, you know, when I was somebody, when I was full of potential. Um, I was a completely broken, defeated human being at this point. Um, and she had no idea that I was a raging alcoholic.

When we did the long distance thing, I would fly down and spend three days with her and I would literally drink maybe 9 to 12 beers in 3 days. I mean, that is outrageous control. That is control of heroic proportions.

Okay. But what was happen is I would always fly from Atlanta to Chicago and I'd go to Chicago, go to a bar, have two drinks, and call in sick in advance for the next day. Um because I had to get my drink on.

Um and that's and that's what I did. Um so I moved in with her and um you know, I I can't do that nine beers over three days for too long. And uh but I'm still doing a good job for me.

I'm doing like six a six-pack a night which come on alcoholics that's pretty cool. Uh well it caught her attention. Um you know there was you know once again it was really nothing major.

I mean there was one time though I came home and and she was crying and I said what's going on? Why what's wrong? And she said do you have to get drunk just to be with me?

It's like, wow, that that that hurt that hurt me to see that, you know, the effect that I could have that, you know, she thought it was her, you know, and how how do you tell someone it's like, no, I'm not even drinking half of what I need. You know, it's got nothing to do with you. Hell, I'm I'm cutting my my drink down because I love you.

Um, and anyhow, what happened to me was, uh, you know, that last month or so, um, you know, I'd like to say that September 17th, I wanted to try a new spiritual way of life, and that's that's not the case. That last month, I'd hit the last stages of alcoholism, and I'd gotten physiologically addicted. You know, I mean, I enjoyed morning drinking recreationally for years.

I I love drinking in the morning. Um, the last couple months, I absolutely had to. And then that last week, if you can relate, they get the beer in the morning and like this um and it would take me maybe an hour just to drink one beer.

And then the last three or four days I could no longer consume alcohol. So the only thing that worked for me stopped working. That's what got me to September 17th saying I need some help.

Okay. Um so I went to uh I went to the treatment center uh my last one, God willing. Um, and I went in there just, you know, try to get some medical detox and to buy myself 28 days to think my way through this thing again, right?

And, uh, what happened is I was sick and tired of being me, you know, I wasn't sick and tired of drinking, which I'd been for years. I was sick and tired of being me. And, uh, I had a moment of clarity in treatment early on.

Uh, one week, two, I'm not sure, but four days, four days. She's my calendar girl. my memories hose.

But I went to that family counselor she mentioned. Um I said, "Look, you know, here's some things." I said, "I think I need to tell my wife." And uh I remember she's like, "Oh, oh my." She said, "Well, you know, kind of like you you do what you think you need to do. See you tomorrow." And uh but what I had to do is I had to be rigorously honest with her.

Um because I was tired of lying. You know, I remember one time maybe six years before I got sober, my my mother in one of my infrequent visits at home looked at me earnestly and said, "I think you might be a pathological liar." And I looked at her and I said, "I think you might be right." You know, and uh so I came home that that day from treatment and I told Corey, I said, "Look, there's a couple things I got to tell you. I didn't graduate from VMI." See, VMI is the only college in America where you get your class ring.

It's huge. besides the Super Bowl ring. Um, but you get it your first semester of your junior year, right?

So, I had a big old college ring. Um, I also told her that I I left the military um during the early outs because many people then got significant amounts of money like 25 I think I told her I had $25,000 in a bank account in Virginia. Um, and I also told her that Meat Haven was my first treatment center.

So, I had to tell her I'm not a college graduate. I got kicked out of the army for alcohol rehab failure. Oh, and by the way, this is my third treatment center, and one of them was a year long.

Um, but I'll tell you what, the truth shall set you free. I slept like a baby that night. Now, here's the deal.

This was the first time in my life I was willing to take responsibility for my actions. It was my first time in exposure to recovery that I was willing to take responsibility for my disease. Previously, I wanted someone to wave the 28day Blue Cross Blue Shield wand over me and cure me.

Okay? Now, no treatment center I ever went to ever claimed to do that. Every single one of them told me the deal.

This is discovery. Recovery is an AA. I just, to be honest, I wasn't willing to do it.

I wanted the easier, softer way, and this is the easier, softer way. I thought Corey was going to leave me, and I was okay with that. Now, I don't mean, you know, I was looking forward to it, but I had to tell her these things for me.

And that was the first time that I was willing to be honest with another human being and face some negative consequences. Um cuz I if she'd have done that to me, I'd have been gone. I'm a runner.

She's a sticker. Um and that's why we're still together. Uh she didn't she didn't leave, but she said she doesn't didn't sleep that night.

So what happened is when I I told my counselor on week two because I didn't want to admit to him that I was a slow learner. When I finally told my counselor, this was my third time around. He's like, "What do you expect me to do for you?" I'm like, "What do you mean you're you're professional?" And he's like, "There's nothing I can say to you that you haven't heard.

I had been what I think there's actually a term for it, institutionalized. You know, I'd heard old deal." He's like, "There's nothing I can do for you." And this is why I'm forever grateful. Um not only was he a counselor, he was one of us.

Okay? and he said, "You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous." And I said, "Man, I've tried that." I said, "I went for a year." Now, I'll tell you, it threw him. He was like, "Really?" But then his training kicked in, his alcoholic training.

He's like, "Did you have a sponsor?" I said, "No, sir." And he's like, "Ah." He said, "Did you have a home group?" I said, "No, sir." He said, "Did you work the steps?" I said, "No, sir." And he's like, "You didn't go to Alcoholics Anonymous." And I'm like, "Really?" And he's like, "I'm telling you, man." And he said, "You're going to go to 22 North California Street Metro at 8:00. You're going there tonight." I said, "Okay." And I said, "Where is it?" He said, "You find it." Okay. I said, "Okay." And I did.

It's like 6 milesi from my house. And I went there and uh I got a sponsor that night who didn't even want to talk to me till I got out of treatment. He said, "You go do that deal and you know, you just keep coming here and we'll uh we'll hook you up when you get out." And that's when I came out and I was on fire.

You know, I really was. I was on fire and I said, "I'm willing to do a 90 and 90." because my first time around that hadn't been coined yet, you know. So, I'm showing him my commitment.

He's like, "Well, good for you, Skippy. How about a, you know, you know, he said, "How about a meeting a day for a year?" He said, "The meetings from 8:00 to 9:00, we open from 7:00 to 8:00 and we stay from 9:00 to 10:00. I want you to do that every day for a year.

Are you willing?" I don't think I was, but I said yes. Uh because I I had no other choice. and uh you know and he got me into service.

Um he was the ultimate G my first thing I was ashtray boy. I was the astray boy. Um when Bill was talking last night about being the guy reading the spiritual experience, my job was astray boy.

And I did that for 18 months and I came out of the bathroom one day and there was a newcomer emptying my ashtrays and I didn't even smoke, right? And I actually went and I tried to grab the ashtray and my sponsor was like, "It's time to let somebody else grab my ashray." Um, you know, and and being alternate gsr, that's where my district met in this home group. And you know, the old 40 cup urns that made took three hours to brew 40 cups.

Well, they were just I had a small home group, right? We didn't get a lot of newcomers. So when one of us came in, all the oldtimes were like, "Sweet, we got new meat." So he immediately gave me a key and said, "The first Saturday of every month, you're going to be here at 7:00 and you're going to make coffee, right?

And then why don't you stay for district and see, you know, what what district is about." And then he started having me go to area assembly, you know, and that's another thing that's really cool. Um, I got to tell you real quick, Jim Spain sitting up front gave me my first uh silver medallion, which I still have with the whole cut in it. And I didn't know he was going to be here.

And I turn the corner, you know, and I see him. Um, you know, it it brings a tear to my eye and it you're a special man in my life. And I come here and I see guys like Douglas.

I mean, I've seen him at my first area assembly, you know, and Big Al, shy as he is and small. Uh, but there's people here. There's actually a lot of people here that I see at area assembly and I've seen it, you know, different events at Huey Town and Bessemer and Sumatanga.

Um, but it was service that got me out of myself. Because I'll tell you, even in my home group, being there for three hours a night, I didn't share. And well, I wasn't allowed to unless I unless the topic was a step that I had worked, I couldn't share.

And I I I looked at my feet, you know, and I talked to my sponsor, but I wouldn't talk to anybody else. And it was only had like 12 or 15 people in the group. I just I was incapable of talking to people without alcohol.

I was so consumed with fear and I thought so little of myself and I had nothing in common with these people. Um, but getting into service, you know, and it's I'd go to other groups, you know, filled with fear and it's, oh shoot, there's so and so. I know them from the PI committee and hey, there's lady that runs corrections.

So, I started having people I knew no matter where what group I went to in Montgomery. And that that helped me a lot. And it kept me accountable.

See, it was a little bit of discipline, you know. Um, there were times when I you know, you find this hard to believe. I probably would not want to meet a service commitment, but it was a commitment.

And people I had said I'd be there. My sponsor told me early on there were when I was talking about what is spiritual, what is spirituality, what do I got to do to be spiritual? And he said, you know, for you, he said, here's what you're going to do.

Be where you say you're going to be, when you're going to be there, and use your left turn signal. All right? Don't don't ask me why, but see, that was simple.

I could do that. I could do that. And that was important to me because my word meant nothing when I got here.

Um, I would always tell people I would do things and then be a no-show. I would never show up. Um, I always had good intentions.

When I told you I'd help you out, I meant it. But the problem was I was a morning drinker. You know, I'd get up on Saturday at 5:00, give me two or three beers, and I had a spiritual awakening.

And let me tell you something, I could do things or I could drink. I could not do both of them. Um, I was consumed by alcohol.

When I had two or three beers and the physical craving kicked in, that's all I could do was drink. Um, you know, Cory mentioned getting sober. I got sober in September.

In December, we went down to a celebration by the sea, you know, and I I I heard Clancy and uh and Mary Pearl. Um, and I got to see that Alcoholics Anonymous was much much bigger than what what was in Montgomery, Alabama. And like, wow, this is a this is a pretty big deal.

Um, and that helped me a lot. And it got me it got me involved in going to conferences and things like that in the fellowship because there is a lot of power. There's a lot of power in in these things.

Um, I went back to school in January. Um, I had wanted to go back to school the last year. I was drinking when I moved in with Corey.

Uh, but I I was incapable. I was absolutely incapable. So, when I got sober and I talked to my sponsor about it and uh, you know, I was filled with fear and he said, you know, if it's something you want to do, go ahead.

And I said, you know, what if I fail? He said, well, if you if you try your hardest and it doesn't work out, it means it wasn't meant wasn't meant to be. it, you know, you can't keep running from things that you want to do cuz alcohol alcohol and fear had stolen my ambition from me, you know.

Um, so in September of n sorry, January 99, I went back to college at at AUM and I scored so low on the math placement test. Uh, I went into uh computer science, okay, management information systems u because I wanted a job that I could actually get a job in. Um, and I was filled with fear because it did science and math and computers, but I scored so low on the math test.

I had to take two not for credit math classes just to take the math for dummies 101, you know, but I did it. And uh, I learned stuff that uh, I probably should have learned in fourth grade, you know, mathematically, but, you know, I I ended up with a well, I ended up with a 3.96 GPA, and one of them was pre-alggebra, and I had two classes in statistics with A's. Um, If I'm not drinking and I go to class and I do homework and I read the books, um, I can actually I can get past the 50 yard line, I I can complete complete the task.

But I learned how to do that through this program, you know, through the fear, through talking to people and doing inventories and doing step work and taking the action, you know, and I learned that I'll always have fear. I just don't let it consume my life. It doesn't rule my life.

and failure. Failure if I choose can be a learning experience. It doesn't mean I'm a failure.

I had to divorce the event from the person. Um you Corey mentioned that we used to go to lots of uh every Saturday was date night and I heard so many things from speakers in AA just in Montgomery that uh that changed my life. I heard uh one of my good friends today, Tammy F, um talk about, you know, she she think I think she even went GED to college to master's degree in sobriety.

And uh here in Tammy and I remember I turned to my wife and I said, "You know what?" I said, "I believe I'd like to get a master's degree." Um the bachelor's was to get a job, the masters was for me, you know. Um I talked to my sponsor about it and he said, "If you're into punishment, go ahead." And u and I did. I've been able to get a master's degree in this program just for me.

There was no promotion attached to it, you know, nothing. It's just it's something I wanted. I've discovered I actually like learning just for learning sake.

Um another speaker meeting a a guy in my home group um Thomas V uh talking ninth and he'd been a guest of the state of Alabama different periods of time on and off the years and he'd been sober for a while and he was talking to his sponsor. He said, 'You know, I made my ninestep amends, but you know, I just feel like I'm really not clean with the state of Alabama because of all my convictions. You know, what do you think I could do?

And the sponsor said, 'Well, you know, why don't you go to the Department of Parole and see what you can do? And it turned out what Thomas did is he asked for a uh pardon, ask for a pardon. And uh and he got it, you know, and that kind of wiped the slate clean for him.

And I said, "That's pretty cool." One of my biggest shames for me um was when I got discharged from the army. It was a general underhonorable condition. Okay?

It was not a pure honorable condition. And there's a lot of shame, an awful lot of shame. And I told you the army was my life.

Um I absolutely love the people I I I served with and I I knew I had let them down in the United States Army as well as myself. And I talked to my sponsor. I said, "Man, I like what Thomas said.

I wonder if there's something I can do." And uh my sponsor said, "Man, go to the VA and ask." And I did. And you know, the government's got a form for everything and there's a form to upgrade discharge. And uh took it home and I filled it out and there's a whole portion in there.

In fact, almost the whole thing is recommendations, right? You know, from priests, rabbis, ministers, doctors, lawyers, bosses, you know, whoever. And uh I didn't have any references.

I mean, I didn't I didn't see seek them out. None. I let just what this program had given me.

At the time, I had finished my college degree. I was working for the United States Air Force in the computer field. I had a secret clearance.

My credit had been repaired. I hadn't been arrested since I was discharged. Okay?

And six months later, I had an honorable discharge. Um, it's absolutely amazing to me. When I was uh a junior in college, I was walking down the hall and my first sober job I worked at Michael's Arts and Crafts, which was a humiliating job for a man of my ego.

Um and uh and you know, you can learn a lot in this program, but I'll tell you what, I'm not I'm not retail material. I'm just not a people person. Um God love people who are, but my sponsor wouldn't even let me get another job.

You know how don't get don't get another job till you have another don't quit till you have another job. He didn't even give me that option. He said, "You stay at that job until," and I was there for 18 months.

But walking down the hallways at college one day, saw a little pink notice on the job board and it said federal job computers. And it was like $105 an hour and I was making $5.15 at Michael's. And uh I'm like, "Okay, cool." And I'm in the computer field.

Maybe give me some job experience. And I applied for it. And uh I thought it'd be something like putting memory chips in computers, you know?

Hey boy, put some memory in here. Hey boy, put a hard drive in here. And that was cool because I, you know, get more money, get some hands-on.

And I'd forgotten I even applied for it. And like four or five months later, I got a phone call uh from the AUM job people and said, "Come on down for this interview." And I went in there and there was a civilian GS-14 and an Air Force colonel. Uh and they were interviewing for a co-op position for permanent full-time civil service with the Air Force.

Uh the 2-year period, and you had to have a 3.5 just to get the job. You see, that's another miracle. a guy who had been kicked out of one school and left the other with like a 2.0 and and sinking.

Um, you know, the program gave me the opportunity just to apply for this. I didn't even know what it was. You see, that's how I know things are from God.

If I'm not involved, that's how I know they're from God. And I got this job and uh and at two years after had the job and I graduated, they offered me a full-time job. And that's when I had to get my security clearance, you know, and and my father, you know, I told you, worked for the CIA and one of his last jobs, he was director of personnel.

And uh he said, "Son, there's no way you'll get a clearance. You know, you're an alcohol rehab failure." Um and I'm I was like, "Yeah, you know, I think you're right." And I went and talked to my sponsor. My sponsor said, "Do you think God brought you this long for two years just to play a joke on you?" He said, "Fill out the form and don't lie." I'm like, "Oh, don't lie." I'm like, "Oh." He said, "Don't lie." Cuz you know how with lying, you know, be honest, you know.

He said, "Don't lie." So, I filled out the form and I got the clearance because the job was contingent upon the clearance and I got it and I met the guy that was responsible for the clearance ultimately about a year later. And uh I said, How did I get a clearance? He said, 'Well, the clearance was in 2000.

Your rehab failure was 92. You admitted well, I mean, well, it was on my records anyhow. Um, but you know, you've had it upgraded, discharged to an honorable.

You haven't been arrested. Your credit is fine. Your employment record's fine.

Your academics are fine. You know, we just want to see if people lie. And I'm like, really?

No kidding. You know, you know, if so, it turns out, you know, >> >> you can you can do almost anything within reason as long as it's been a you know in a relative period of time not too recent. I was like wow that's amazing.

Um you know I I got involved you know besides I mean I became the grapevine rep and I became GSR and and I took a meeting into the Maxwell um federal prison for two years. Um you know Corey and I went to lots of conferences and uh oh I always I always forget this part. In fact, actually Mickey asked about this ring.

Um, you know, I like what I like what Bill said last night that uh you don't work step 12 and then you're done. You know, this this program is a way of life. And I was sitting at work one day, actually about three years sober, and I realized I I told you that, you know, I was one of those alcoholics that thought I didn't hurt anybody but me.

The gentleman that had to sign my paperwork kicking me out of the army, um, he and I had a special relationship when I was at VMI. He was one of the active duty army officers stationed there as a captain and he'd served with me at different capacities in all three of the units I'd served with. Um, and he was crying and uh, he was crying as he signed the paperwork.

Uh, and that just hit me. I was sitting at my desk. Uh, and I realized that and so I got on one of the association boards and uh and I found him found an address for him and uh and I called him and uh and we talked for quite a while and he said that he used to stay awake at night periodically wondering if he had done the right thing for me and I could tell him, you know, there are a lot of sober people in the military.

There are a lot of them. I could not have been one of them. Um, and I said, you did the right thing.

In fact, what you did for me was you started me on my bottom, you know, and that I was okay and that uh I was able to tell him what the life that Alcoholics Anonymous had given me. Um, and about 6 weeks later, he sent me a ring. He had a ring custom made.

It's called the triple winner ring. Um, it's got the three units that we served with together. Um, and that was a direct amends to a ninestep, you know, and I call him from work about once a month and we email actually about once a week.

Um, and that's a relationship that's been restored. When uh that computer I bought, that first computer I bought, I bought that um with a credit card I'd stolen from my parents. Okay.

And I ran up $10,000 on it. And my parents uh had actually not legally disowned me, but I was written out of the will because I mean that's how they were is that you know any money that they had would be dispersed amongst the other two children because I'd kind of gotten mine early, right? Uh about about 5 years ago, about 5 years ago or so, my wife and I were visiting my parents.

Um who I call I would go six years without even calling. Uh I call my parents every week. Um we're not close.

I still have a 72-hour rule with my parents, but I act like a son and I do the things a son should be. And we went to visit them and they told us that they had made me the executive of the state. Um, probably because my wife might be a lawyer, but but you know what I'm saying?

That that relationship had been repaired. They trusted me. They trusted me now.

Um, and that's that's pretty cool. I can't put a price tag on that. I can't put a price tag on that.

And the last thing I'll say is, you know, Cory mentioned it. you know, uh I also like, you know, what Memphis Mike from Birmingham, who lives in Pensacola, uh said, uh I I did not become a night and shining armor when I got sober. Um, I am a fallible human being and I have I have character defects and I I had struggled with finances.

And I got to tell you, I'll be honest, you know, when I came came to Montgomery, Alabama, Corey and I got a U-Haul, the smallest one they have, and had to get a bar to put in there to keep my stuff from rattling around. And I was so proud of the fact that I was not materialistic. Do you know why I wasn't materialistic?

I had nothing to buy. Okay, I have discovered, man, I am powerless over money. Um, it is a bad juju for me.

Um, and my first couple months sober, I had a little credit card and you know, I remember Corey coming home and it and it's progressive just like my drinking cuz the first time it happened, she's like, "Honey, look at this credit card bill. That's $353." I'm like, "Oh, that's crazy." You know, that there's obviously a problem. You know, give that thing to me.

And uh, and I looked and oh, you see, here's the way. $5 here and $7 here, $9 here, 20 bucks here. How can that possibly add up to $353?

Well, it does and it happens quickly. Um, so twice before I'd be I Corey and I put me on financial lockdown, right? Um, and about four years ago, being the spiritual giant that I am, uh, I think I'm ready for this.

Um, and what happened is, you know, I said credit repairs itself and, uh, I started getting those offers, unsolicited offers, right? And so I started accepting them. Um, and this is where it's uh, and here's the point I want to make in the rooms.

And I've done it for years, too. Almost a joke about retail therapy. All right.

What I'm talking about is much more serious because I spend money when I know it's not going to make me feel better. Okay? So, that's different than getting angry at the wife and going out and buying a new pair of shoes.

Okay? I I'm powerless and I get these things and uh, ended up with about $15,000 worth of credit card debt. Um, but I had an allowance.

And who cared because I was able to pay it off, right, with out of my allowance. But here's what was going on. This is when I knew I was in trouble.

Rushing home from work before my wife to get the mail. Okay. Because I'm getting three credit card bills and she thinks I have one.

Okay. She said, you know, she'd say, "Hey, wow, that's that's really nice. Where'd you get that?" "Oh, I got this from soand so." I am lying to my wife.

Okay. Uh oh. Could be a warning sign.

So, what happened is I got an unsolicited offer in the mail for um what was it like $25,000 from Bank of America to pay off my bills. I'm like, "Thank you, God. Let me tell you something.

God doesn't deal in money." Um that that was not a sign from God. So, I got it and I called and uh and they said, "Well, you know, Mr. Long, how much you need?" Well, I only need $15,000.

Well, you're pre-approved for $25,000. Yeah, I really only need 15,000. Um, and what happened is, so I got the money and I didn't pay off all those credit cards.

>> So, and this is a process for me, nine months, right? And I'm just getting this knot in my stomach because I know the day of reckoning is going to come. Um, but I tell you, I went to the bitter end.

I came clean to my wife the day the bill came where my allowance could no longer pay all my all my bills. Okay? Cuz that's how spiritual I am.

Uh I you know and and what happened and what happened is uh you know I knew this this was this was nine years and uh this was her third three-year plan. Um but I had I had to get honest and uh you know my sponsor I saw my sponsor every day. I was doing 10 steps every day, but I wasn't telling another human being.

See, one of the defects I got in Alcoholics Anonymous I didn't have was spiritual pride. I should be better than this. I can't tell anybody what's really going on because they will look down upon me, right?

Like we look down upon people in Alcoholics. That's pride and ego. And what happened is uh when I told her sh seriously when when she said it's just money, I almost died because it's like what happened to my wife?

That's not my wife. Um, but she has worked a wonderful program and uh she I'm still here in the same house, but I had I had to do something, right? And there's a speaker I'd been attracted to for years, for five years, a guy named Scott R out in California.

Um, and I remember one of his last tapes. Uh, he had talked about he had been through this at 16 years sober and uh my wife was doing a fair amount of speaking at the time and she knew some some tapers and she was able to track Scott down. And uh I called this man who I'd never met and asked to be my sponsor.

And uh and he's been my sponsor since December. And uh he said, "Yeah, you know, we can do this, man. We can do this because you're powerless over your finances and we'll get you back in and we'll do some work." And you know, and there was nothing wrong with my other sponsor.

Don't don't take it that way. I was unwilling to let myself be sponsored. Okay, that's what had happened for this period of time.

And uh he has this deal out in California every February that all the guys he sponsors who can afford to come out there, they uh pay some money to a monastery and they have a retreat. And I went out there and I met what I call my band of brothers, you know, about about 15 to 20 twisted guys from all around the country from New York to South Dakota to Oklahoma uh to California, now myself that all get sponsored by this guy. All of us at different lengths of sobriety, anything from 22 years, you know, down to nine months.

Um, and it was absolutely awesome. Absolutely awesome. And I had to change some things up.

And uh, I've committed going now my new home. I had to change a home group. And nothing nothing with the home group.

I just had to do something different. You know, I had to re-energize my program. And now I I my home group is the happy hour 6:30 a.m.

group. And I go to a meeting Monday through Friday guaranteed at 6:30 in the morning. Um, sometimes we go to speaker meeting Saturday night, sometimes I'm meeting on Sunday.

So, you know, I' I'm just doing some more stuff. If I'm doing what I was taught in here, if I got a problem, I'm the problem and I got to take some action, you know, and it starts with me being humble enough and willing enough to let another alcoholic know what is really going on with me. So, you know, it's kind of funny, you know, when this happened at 9 years sober, the same stuff that got me off of the alcohol nine years ago is what got me back into the program and back onto the AA beam then.

But thank you very very much for inviting Corey and I up here and uh just thanks for listening to me. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.