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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Hi, I'm Ken. I'm an alcoholic.

>> My sobriety date is September 18th, 1998. and through the uh program of action as outlined in the big book, the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous, the grace of a loving God and good sponsorship. I haven't had it necessary to take a drink or a mindaltering substance since that day.

Um and that's and that's a miracle just like anyone that has overcome this this program is a miracle and I know I see lots of miracles in this room and absolutely a lot. You know, people ask me was I nervous? Um I do this on a fairly regular basis.

I don't get nervous when I'm out of town, but for some reason in my home group, it's just different, you know, because uh especially the 6:30 a.m. crowd. You guys know all of me.

Um only person that knows more than the 6:30 a.m. group is my sponsor. Um I was reflecting on the, you know, we aren't a glum lot.

Um we absolutely insist on enjoying life. When this group was formed, um I was not an original founding member. In fact, one of my first AA resentments is Dennis called me when I was a member of another group to start chairing the 6:30 a.m.

meeting. And I was like, "How does that work? I'm not even a member of the group and I'm chairing a 6:30 a.m.

meeting for another group." And then this group became my home group. Um, but I was in Boston when they were getting this building set up and uh they wanted to paint that and so Dennis called me and said, "Hey, where is that line in the big book, Joe?" He called, you know what I'm saying? Um, and uh, I I I happened to be on my computer and I got one of those programs that's, you know, it's got the big book on the computer and word searchable.

So, I I found him. So, that's my claim to fame. The uh, the other thing Dennis, you know, Dennis u, most of you know, but Dennis broke his back and uh, that's why he's not here right now.

So, I told him I talked to him today and I'm going to tell um, a story on Dennis um on what a great spiritual guru he is. One time and one time only in my sobriety have I truly been uh faced with a serious thought of drinking. And I was in Boston.

I was out of town and it was during the World Cup and we had uh they let us go early and I went into a little pub that I' I'd been to before with my wife for dinner but I was in the restaurant side and now I went into the pub side and it was the World Cup and it's a lot of excitement and there's you know ales and loggers and stouts and pillser all over the place and the thought of drinking um came into my mind powerfully and I did what you're not supposed to do and I tried to fight the thought right and I started fighting the thought and then it translated into, well, that won't affect my Alabama sobriety, right? Okay. Nobody need no.

Okay. Just me and God and we got a step for that. Um, so finally after 20 minutes, I got so afraid I I just left, right?

And so I was like, man. And so I called Dennis and I said, "Dude, I almost drank in a bar." And he said, "Wow." He said, "If you ever relapse, drink a Zema and tell me what it tastes like. I've been dying to know.

Right. So, that that was the spiritual advice I got from Dennis. Um, but there's a beauty to that and it goes back to we are not a glum lot, right?

Cuz when he first said it to me, I was like, "What the?" And then I just started laughing, right? And as soon as I started laughing, it was gone. It it wasn't a big deal.

Um, I want to uh tell you guys in a general way what I was like, what happened to me, and what I'm like now. Um, hopefully what you'll hear um at the end of this is that I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I'm still allergic to alcohol.

I will die with the allergy to alcohol, but I no longer live my life in such a way that I am hopeless. Okay? And alcohol and fear and resentments and dishonesty and selfishness do not consume my life.

I still have all of those, okay? But they don't consume my life like they did before I got here and you people and God healed me. Um, everything I have good in my life today is a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon.

Um, how many members of Alanon do we have here today? If you'd Okay, let me uh very good. Thank you.

This is uh I I will share another another story of how Elanon works. uh 90 days sober. My home group was Metro um sole purpose and I'm on fire, right?

I'm I'm in the heavy evangelical stage and and I come home and and I'm just on fire. It's about 10:30 and we had a little house on Carter Hill Road and my wife was laying in bed, half asleep, half awake, and we had a little bathroom and I'm brushing my teeth and I said, "Hey, hey, we have this saying in AA, stick with the winners. Do you have that saying in Alanon?" And my wife opened one eye and said, "Obviously not.

H. So, you know, and once again, the the the humor, the humor, cuz I was like, really? Okay, that's that's really funny.

Um, and I got nothing. You win. You win.

Um, so humor is absolutely important because when I got here September, actually when we got here, September 18th, 1998, there was no laughter in our house and there hadn't been for a long time. Um, alcohol had shrunk my world. Okay?

And by my world, it had shrunk my wife's world. We had no friends. We did nothing socially.

Um, we worked, although I hadn't worked for a while when I got sober. I was a functional alcoholic. That means my wife had a job.

Um, and uh, you know, my my wife was working and she was going to bed at 6:30 every night. Um, just waiting for the day to get over and I was drinking and passing out. I was napping.

Okay. Um, and it was funny cuz I didn't start out life that way. Uh, you know, when I graduated high school, I was president of the student body.

I was class favored. I was voted most sparkling personality. Um, you know, dude, that wasn't a joke.

Uh, um, you know, so I I had a good sense of humor, right? It's just alcohol and the life I was leading had robbed all that from me. Um, I've never been to prison.

I never had a DUI. Um, alcohol didn't really do much to me. It just destroyed my ambition, destroyed my relationships, destroyed my self-esteem, destroyed my hope, made life a dreary, dismal existence.

But other than that, it didn't really have much much impact on me. Um, you know, I grew up in a in a normal household, whatever that is. But my parents are still married to each other today.

They live up in Washington DC. I've got a brother that's 13 months older and a sister that's three years younger, and they're both very, very normal people. Um, my brother drank heavily when he was a frat boy at University of Virginia.

But when he graduated college, you know, he became a weekend drinker and then by the time he got married, he was a glass glass of wine at dinner type guy. But at one point, he probably drank physically more than I did. Um, I do know, you know, Bill and I were talking before.

I believe I was born with this disease and I certainly had the isms way before I picked up a drink. I never felt like I fit in or anything like that. um when I drank I had my first drink at 14 in the Republic of Singapore.

Um my dad worked for the CIA and I grew up overseas most of the time. And so I went to Singap Singapore in 1976 to 1980. And uh I didn't have a spiritual experience when I drank at all, but I had just gotten there.

I' only been there like two weeks. I didn't know anybody. Um and I was one of those kids.

I was an extrovert, but I was an introvert, but probably a little bit more towards an introvert. And um I was in a hotel room with a bunch of guys who we were all staying in the hotel. And I do know that when I drank, I felt okay, right?

And I was part of the group and I could talk to them and I didn't feel like I had nothing to offer or I I didn't feel like I was different. Um, so I drank you. There was no drinking age in Singapore.

I had a blackout when I was 18 years old and I would drink and get drunk two maybe two weekends, you know, a month. It wasn't a big deal. I never skipped school, right?

I never drank at school. It wasn't that big of a deal. But when I drank, I got drunk.

Okay. And then my 18th birthday, I did have a blackout. But as a good alcoholic, that was my first experience with tequila.

And I blamed it on the tequila, right? It's like, oh, okay. It's that tequila snuck up on me.

Um, but that was uh I graduated, that was May 18th, 1980 when I had that blackout and I graduated high school in June and I went to college. Um, and by by October of 1980, I was drinking a gallon of Carla Rossi Paisano wine every day before noon. Um, that's when my chief my chief character defect um is fear.

Um, I'm not by nature an angry alcoholic. Um, I'm much more comfortable with fear and self-pity. Um, and I was just consumed with fear.

I was I was the big fish in a small pond syndrome. You know, the college I went to had 13,000 people and my high school had 500 and only 99 of us in our graduating class and only 33 of us had been there for four years, right? So, I was just consumed with fear.

I I'd picked a degree. I wanted to be a forest ranger. And I had no idea that forestry was a science degree.

Um, and I'm kind of a liberal arts type guy, history, geography. So, I was consumed with fear. And, um, so I I ended up I'd go to classes that I I liked, like English or psychology, and if it had, you know, chemistry or math, I didn't go.

So after a year, my parents stopped supporting my college endeavors because the grades, you know, were just not there. I had like a 1.0 average and incompletes in failed and stuff like that. And so I ended up, my dad got me an appointment to Virginia Military Institute and uh I did well there because it was a structured environment, right?

There were no women, you couldn't have a car, there was no alcohol and they marched you to class. That's a pretty good success, you know, for a guy like me, right? Um, but the problem with the four-year degree is it takes four years, right?

So, I I dropped out after two and a half years. Um, and that's a big thing in my life. I always wanted what other people had, and I was never willing to do what they did to get it.

Okay? And that included this program that you'll hear. Um, you know, there's there's a saying that Alcoholics Anonymous is not for people who need it.

It's not for people who want it. it's for people who do it. Um, I wanted lots of things in my life and I was just never willing to do what I had to do to get it.

Um, so I ended up in the army and um, I cruised around the army. I jumped out of airplanes. That's what I did for a living because I wasn't smart enough to fly them.

Um, and what happened to me uh, and I did I did uh, three geographics, you know, going to different units. They those were geographics trying to feel better about myself and the problems I was having had to be the places I was at. And by problems I mean I was just drinking all the time.

Um the paradox of alcoholism. Um I got promoted ahead of my peers every single time. Uh I got awards.

I was distinguished honor or honorrad from every single school I ever went to um in the military. And I went to Ranger School, special forces, scuba, Halo, um, aerosol, jump master, combives, you name it, Pathfinder. I've been there.

Um, so I look at myself, I I was getting the shakes, right? And I'm like, well, alcoholics can't do PT. Alcoholics can't go out all night, show up, get two hours of sleep, and run eight miles.

Alcoholics can't get promoted. When I'd get deployed for six months, I did never thought about drinking, right? And we there's in the military, there's always stories about that old first sergeant that has vodka in the canteen.

I didn't have to take alcohol with me. I never thought about it. Well, an alcoholic has to drink every day, right?

An alcoholic can't function at some level. An alcoholic has to be the guy in a trench coat under the bridge, right? So, I had all sorts of reasons why drinking couldn't be my problem.

So, I would change units, apply for different schools to go to different units. And what happened to me eventually is uh I did my first ever inventory and it was just looking around there was just something wrong with me. You know, think about alcoholism is a disease, disease, right?

And it's a disease of dissatisfaction. Enough is never enough. No matter what I want, if I get it, it's not enough because that's not it.

So, I did a I did an inventory. What the hell's going on with me? And I looked around and I just knew I wasn't happy.

And the people that I admired the most and seemed to be happy and functional, they were all family men, you know, and I said, "That's it. I have no responsibility." Right? I'm 28, 29 years old, and I've lived in a barracks or a college dorm since I was 18.

I didn't have a credit card. I had a car once, a pickup truck, but it was stolen when we were in Honduras. And I I didn't even file a police report cuz the shopet that serves beer is a/4 mile from my barracks, so who really needs it?

Um, so what I did was I married a Panameanian hooker I knew that had a seven-year-old daughter. My my wife, who is here tonight, is my second wife. Um, I was I was uh supposed to say that.

Um, actually James pulled me aside and he remembered that and he said, "You might want to say upfront, your wife, who's here tonight is your second wife." Um, and so what happened is that was kind of the beginning of the end because it it it tore the covers off the the delusion that I had lived under. I found I could not function, right? I couldn't do things like carry a budget, right?

Um, food, electricity, phone, rent. I I couldn't do these things. Um, my wife and I were always fussing.

Uh, it was just really bad. So, I'm getting a lot of stressors in my life that I've never had before. So, now I'm drinking more.

And uh I ended up missing three days of work and that's not a big deal if you work at Crispy Cream, but the uh the military calls it AWOL. Um and they they're pretty they're pretty serious. So I they they took me to the drug and alcohol place and uh they gave me a test and I passed because I always do well on tests.

I I pass and uh I ended up in Fort Gordon, Georgia at a six-week inatient, right? And this was my first exposure. And what that treatment center exposed me to was the disease concept of alcoholism.

And they convinced me to a tea that I was an alcoholic, right? Because I met every single criteria that they showed me. And I was like, outstanding.

I know what the problem is. I'm an alcoholic. The solution to alcoholism is not drinking.

Right? That that's not what they said. That's what I heard.

Right? And I know we went to AA meetings and I know they talked about stuff. But also, it's interesting.

You know, I wasn't ready. my uh I had a counselor um who was a recovering alcoholic and he was like you know how you do in treatment if you've been there you do a lot of work workbooks and stuff and he's like wow he said I've never met a man who drank as much as you that whose life is not falling apart. It looks like you drink alcoholically and that your life is fine.

Are you having problems in your marriage? No. Are you having problems with finances?

No. You know I wasn't willing, right? I was not ready to admit to the unmanageability of my life.

Um because to me the problem was alcohol and the unmanageability was tied to my drinking. So if I stop drinking everything will be just fine, right? Um and it's amazing the the big book talks about that by the way that they have a clever term for it says self-nowledge of ills is nothing.

Um I had read the book in treatment. I read it in an afternoon. It's not a big book.

The first 164 pages. So I went back to Panama. Didn't go to any meetings because why would I?

I not going to drink. I have lots of willpower, right? And uh much like when I was drinking and would get deployed, I was not a white knuckle drinker.

I never thought about it at all. And one night um afternoon, 6 months after being medically separated from alcohol, it was during carnival. You guys call it migra.

And uh my wife went into a dress shop. I turned around and there was a Surveysa Panama beer cart. And I had two beers.

They were like 10 oz beers and I was fine. And I was like, whoa. Another thing, you know, alcoholism is a disease of perception, right?

What I thought they said was if I ever drank again, I'd become a raving lunatic. So, I had two beers and huh, that's interesting. And I didn't have any more.

I'm a little bit hasty in that diagnosis of alcoholism. And I had two more. And I had two more.

And you guys that have been around, three weeks later, I was drunk on duty. On duty. On duty.

Um, and so I was summarily discharged from the United States Army because when I went to treatment, um, I had signed a form saying if I had an alcohol or drug incident within a year of coming out of treatment, I would be summarily discharged. And because I was drunk on duty, that was a second article 15 captain's mass. Um, so I got a general under honorable discharge.

Um, and my life imploded. Uh, and I have never ever been that desperate in my life. That was the darkest moments of my life and it didn't keep me sober.

Okay? Because alcohol was a solution for me. Okay?

Alcohol did something. Alcohol kept me alive uh in that time. I would drink.

Now granted, I cleaned my pistol a lot. Um and I know now what that was about, but alcohol kept me alive. It was a solution.

It killed the shame, the fear, the guilt, the remorse. Okay? It stopped the squirrel cage from running.

Um, and so I ended up going back home and I was waiting for my wife and stepdaughter to come get visas and come and uh I ended up getting alcohol poisoning because I hold up in a in a hotel made a bunch of beer and a ferret called Michico. Uh, I always say that because usually when Dennis is here, I don't normally say that and then Dennis will share it from the audience. He'll say, "Tell the ferret story." So, so that was my social community and uh I ended up back in a 28-day program that segueed into a one-year program, right?

Because you're going to start to hear how I got this thing iteratively, but like Frank Sinatra, I had to do it my way. I had to experience all the things that people in Alcoholics Anonymous were telling me or counselors. I had to do the opposite of what they said and reap what I sowed so I could see, oh, okay, they're not lying.

All right. So, I lived in a program. I lived in apartments with other alcoholics and addicts and uh did that for a year and my wife and stepdaughter had come and they were living with her sister 30 miles away and I went to uh five or six AA meetings a week.

A week and I didn't sit in the back. I sat up front. I loved them.

I thought they were outstanding. I didn't have a sponsor. I didn't work the steps.

And I didn't have a home group. Okay. I had meeting based sobriety and I got relief.

I got relief from the meetings. Okay. But I didn't get freedom and I didn't treat alcoholism.

The only known treatment for alcoholism is the 12 steps of alcoholic synonymous. Okay? Meetings are not a treatment for alcoholism.

All right? Meetings are important. We do this together.

We do this in community. We share our experience, strength and hope. We find our people here.

And if you're new, was talking to to Josh. I don't know how to do this sober. I don't know how to do that.

This is like a safe laboratory for us to learn how to have relationships sober. Okay. The 12 steps are designed to change me.

There's the greatest promise of this program is in the 12th step, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. So, it makes perfect sense that not taking the steps, I didn't change. I got a one-year medallion, right?

And I thought, I swear to God, it was a graduation thing. Okay. Really?

Cuz you know, and it's funny cuz the big book talks about there's a certain class of drinker who thinks if he abstains for a period of time that he can safely drink. Well, I didn't think I could safely drink, but I thought a year would kind of like I'm cured, right? I mean, what type of would ever drink again, right?

self-nowledge. I forgot that part in the book that said there were times we have a curious mental blank spot, right? And we have no defense against the idea of a first drink.

What happened to me in Panama, right? Wasn't thinking about drinking. I'm not stupid.

I had an entire career. I was aware of the consequences. I turn around, there's a beer.

What did I do? Let me have one. I did not say so.

You know, when you hear think the think the drink through, right? That's a tool. It's not a solution because sometimes we can think the drink through.

But our literature based on our experience is very clear. There will come a time where you have no power to think the next drink through. Right?

The story the jaywalker. They're talking about that. You can be aware of all the consequences and what's happening to your life, but you are deluded.

Right? And that's an important term. We hear in AA the term denial.

Denial is only used once in the big book and it's used in a different context. The book uses delusion and it's important to understand the distinction. A buddy of mine, Rich Brookner, gets it this way.

I steal your wallet and you ask me, "Did you steal my wallet?" And I say, "No, I'm denying it." You hook me up to a polygraph test and you say, "Did you steal Hollywood's wallet?" And I say, "No." And the polygraph goes off the chart because I am denying what I know to be true. A delusional person, I steal Hollywood's wallet. He says, "Did you steal my wallet?" I say no.

You hook me up to a lie detector test and you ask me did I steal your wallet and I say no and it flatlines. Okay. I don't think I stole his wallet.

That is delusion. That's why the book uses delusion all throughout the book in reference to our relation to alcohol. We cannot see the true from the false.

Right? So when you're going out and you're like me, well, I'm not thinking about drinking. Hey, and I'm avoiding my triggers.

And if I think about drinking, I'll say, "Hey, wait a minute. Drinking has caused me multiple problems in the past and I should probably not. It won't happen because if I could do that, now think about it.

If I could do that, I would not be powerless over alcohol. I would have power over alcohol and I wouldn't need you. And I wouldn't need this program.

And I wouldn't need God because I would have power. I could do it myself." When I was 7 years old at a family reunion in Davidsville, Pennsylvania, I ate watermelon for the first time and I vomited a lot. Okay, I am 51 years old and I have never eaten watermelon since.

Okay, I don't have a mental obsession with al with watermelon and I am not powerless over watermelon. Okay, I have successfully abstained from watermelon. Okay, but that's huge because if you're new and you you want to come in here and you know, hit some meetings up to, you know, and then you'll be good to go.

And well-meaning people speaking out of ignorance, meaning lack of knowledge, will pat you on the back and say, "Don't drink and go to meetings. You'll be okay." Meeting makers do not make it unless they go long enough and then something happens. But many meeting makers disappear and nobody in the home group even knows they're gone.

Okay. So, I graduated that program. I moved back in with my wife and daughter and um I went six more months.

So I had 18 months separated from alcohol and I went grocery shopping and the idea of a beer popped into my mind and it was a quarter Budweiser and I got a quarter Budweiser and 3 weeks later I came home um cuz my wife could smell the beer. Well, I was drinking every day and she knew I shouldn't drink and we were fussing and she was nagging and that's a buzzkill for me. Okay, it is.

I I just like I like mellow. I'm I'm I should have been a pot smoker. Okay.

Um and so I came home and I told her I'm leaving. Um and I abandoned my wife and stepdaughter and I haven't seen him since. Um and that was 1995.

Um 1995ish. Um because I chose alcohol over my family. Um so I moved in with some pilots.

Uh, I was working for the airlines and we had a single family home and I was prepared to go on to the bitter end. I knew I was an alcoholic. I was not ready to pick up a kid of spiritual tools.

I was willing to drink myself to death, which I knew it would happen eventually. And I didn't care because I'm not hurting anybody but myself. Okay?

And what happened is I actually um I stole a credit card from my parents and racked up $10,000 on it. And uh one of the things I bought was a computer and I hooked a computer up, got an AOL account and um the first word I ever typed into a search engine was Singapore, right? And uh found out the high school had a bulletin board for alumni and I found my wife, my current wife, James um had found uh posted a message, anybody from class in 1980.

And so we connected through the internet and phone calls and uh because I worked for the airlines, I could fly DC to Atlanta where she'd pick me up. And I took her hostage. Um I I literally she had no idea that I was a raving alcoholic.

Uh she did a lot of stuff about me that she had no idea. Um I am I am the editor of the story I present to people. Okay?

And there were certain things that uh she did not have a need to know. Okay? So, so what happened is came down here, couldn't stop drinking, and I got the last stage.

I got physiologically addicted to the alcohol. Um, I absolutely had to drink in the morning. I was waking up with the shakes.

I was drinking a beer like this. It was that bad. Um, it got to the point where I couldn't work um because I'd have to have two or three beers in the morning to study the nerves.

But the phenomenon of craving that kicks in when I have two or three beers, if the craving didn't kick in, I could go to work. if it kicked in, I had to have more beer and then I couldn't go to work. Um, so what happened is, uh, it got real bad.

I was getting the night sweats and I didn't know what they were, right? I thought I had I'd urinated in the bed. Um, but I hadn't.

I mean, it could well because it it happened before in my life. Um, so that's why that was my first thought, but I know now what it was was the night sweats. Um, so September 17th, 1998, I told my wife I I needed uh I needed to get some help.

I didn't think I could stop drinking. And uh so the next day we I ended up at the University of Meat Haven. Um and I remember and I was, you know, Josh, you know, we were talking about being sick and tired of being sick and tired and something happened to me.

Um that first week there, I remember I went to uh I got I went to treatment, by the way. It was my two-month wedding anniversary, right? And I went to Miss Martha and I told her, Martha was the family counselor there.

And I said, "There's a couple of things I I need to tell Corey." I think um because marriage is not necessarily based on the truth. Right? And I my perception of what she said was, "Bless your heart.

Go with God." Uh and uh so I came home that night and I told Corey, I said, "Look, uh" and this is dreaded words from an alcoholic that you're married to. I need to be rigorously honest with you. In fact, I still throw that out now.

Honey, we need to talk. It's always a great thing to watch the fear. Just like she'll she'll around the house she'll lay the book the dilemma the alcoholic marriage right I'll be like oh hell there's that book what's you know what's going on so what I told my wife was I was not a college graduate because VMI you get a class ring your junior year okay so I had a class ring all right I told her uh I did not get out of the army on an early out um I was kicked out for alcohol rehabilitation failure and meat haven was not my first treatment.

It was my third and one of them was a year long. Now, here's why that's important. I truly expected my wife to leave me.

Not that I wanted her to, but I was sick and tired of living that low down way of life, right? I was sick and tired of being me, you know? And so, I was willing to be honest with somebody and face the consequences.

And she didn't she didn't leave me. Um, Ida left me. I'm here to tell you, Ida left me.

Um, she's built for endurance, not for speed. Um, and she uh she she got into uh she got into Alanon right right as uh right as I got sober. Um and so so that was a that was a big big turning point in my life and I ended up going to uh I got sober at Metro um sole purpose group and I got a sponsor and I told him I'm willing to do a 90 and 90 and he said good for you Skippy.

How about you go to a meeting every night for a year? He said the meetings are at 8:00 we open at 7:00. I want you here at 7:00.

The meeting ends at 9:00. We close at 10:00. and I want you here to 10.

Um, so be here 7 to 10 for a year. Um, I thought that was kind of fanatical. Um, but I said yes.

Okay. And now, now here's important, you know, in sponsorship. Um, my sponsor, this is how I was sponsored.

I was sponsored through the big book up to a point. I was sponsored step one through nine, okay? Religiously through the book.

Step 10 was admit it when you're wrong. And step 11 was ask God to keep you sober. And step 12 was go chair a meeting and sponsor people.

All right? And some amazing things happened to me. We have the 10step promises or the ninestep promises, okay, before we're halfway through.

And I did that work. I did that work rigorously and amazing things happened to me. I uh went back to school at 90day sober and I ended up graduating with a 3.96 in management information systems.

I had to take math and I had to learn computer stuff. And I found out that when I went to class and I didn't drink and I took notes and I raised my hand and I went to the professor and said, "I don't understand. Can you help me?" Um that I I could do very very well.

I got hit picked up by the Air Force um in my junior year as a co-op. Um that was 19 99. I started with them December of 1999 and that's who I work for now.

I still work for the uh the Air Force as a civilian. In a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, um, one of my guys in my home group, Thomas V, talked about, um, as part of his amends process, he'd been a guest of the state of Alabama 13, 14 times, um, and how what he could do to make that right. And his sponsor said, you know, why don't you go explore, see if you can get a pardon.

So I talked to my sponsor um James Kohley at the time and I said James you know you know I got that general under honor under under honorable con discharge and it's a great shame in my life because I let the army down. Um he said well go to the VA and so I went to the VA and there's a form and I filled out the form and I didn't have any character references. I just put in there.

I haven't been arrested since I've been discharged. I work for the Air Force. I've gone to school and I have I got an honorable discharge from the United States Army.

Okay. I'm in another meeting. I'm in another meeting and Tammy F is speaking and Tammy F talks about how part of her journey is she got sober and she got a GED and she got an undergrad and she got a master's degree.

And I Cy and I were there and I turned to Corey and I said, "I believe I want to get a master's degree just for me." The old-timers told me if I want to build my self-esteem to do things that are esteemable to me, right? And that was something that I've always wanted to do. There's no promotion attached to it.

There's no extra money. is something that I wanted to do. Notice two of those biggest events in my life came from going to meetings and hearing what people in Alcoholics Anonymous did in their life.

And so we were able to do that um to fund me. Didn't take a loan and was able to do that. So things are rocking along.

Notice I'm I'm busy and I'm I'm sponsoring people and I'm doing service work. I'm a GSR. I've been a GSR for six years at two different group, three different groups.

Um I'm doing everything. And the key is I'm busy, right? I'm busy and I'm getting the gifts.

Well, what happened is when the master's program was over and I had a little bit of just started getting a little restless, right? Like I got that spring in my belly. Things are just getting tight.

I'm going to meetings and uh I'm just getting I don't know just something something's not right. And uh I started getting these things in the mail. U my credit had repaired itself.

If I'd gone through bankruptcy in '95 before I got sober and I started getting those unsolicited credit cards that I've been getting for a while, but now I'm opening them. Huh. Okay.

So, I'm calling the 1800, right? And uh eventually over a two-year period got myself $42,000 into debt. Okay?

And I was buying stuff that when I hit buy, I knew wouldn't fix me. Okay? I couldn't do it.

I'm telling you what I had is I was suffering from untreated alcoholism in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. Okay? Because, and you're going to hear this, this is a big thing.

I knew nothing about 10 and 11. I knew absolutely nothing about the disciplines of 10 and 11. Um, and so what happened to me is what was awakened went back to sleep.

Okay. What was awakened went back to sleep. All that work I had done, we're talk about resting on my laurels.

I had stopped any type of looking at me, right? So, what happens is over time, I'm diluted, right? That delusion never goes away.

That's why regular inventory besides inventorying it and sharing it with someone, my sponsor is not diluted because he's not emotionally involved in my life. He can give me an objective view. Okay.

After a while, it's very insidious, right? Alcohol is cunning, baffling, powerful, and subtle, right? You build a wall up front, right, to protect yourself, and it comes around the flanks.

You build the flank walls, and then it hits you from the rear. So then you put 360, then he does an airborne assault on your butt. Okay, you've got to treat this every day.

Hey, how do we do that? We got steps for that. This is an inte the 12 steps are an integrated holistic design for living.

All right. They're meant to be utilized every single day. Right?

That's what they talk about when they say this is a design for living. Okay? Through this process, we alcoholics are an undisiplined lot.

And through this process, we let God discipline us. So, what happened is um I'm so spiritually developed that the day that my allowance could no longer pay my minimum balance due on my three credit cards. Oh, and also here's another thing.

This is if you're out there, this is a little gut check. I'm in AA and I'm doing the I'm doing the 12 steps right at Prattville and I'm sponsoring guys and I'm doing service. I'm running home literally I work at Gunnar.

I live in Wumpka. My meet my home group was strange camels. Notice not close to each other.

I'm running home to get the mail to get the bills right. So my wife doesn't see them. Okay.

So that's dishonest. Okay. Every now and then when she would say, "Hey, where did X come from?" I would lie.

Okay. I'm consumed with fear. Okay.

So, I'm not drinking and I'm consumed with fear. I'm lying. Well, it's dishonesty.

Okay. Do you see what I'm saying? Huge red flags.

But I'm not drinking. So, I'm a winner, right? I'm a winner.

I'm not drinking. Men and women drink primarily for the effect. Well, what effect?

The alcohol makes me feel okay with me. The alcohol quiets the shame, fear, guilt, remorse, anger. All right.

So, I'm real close to a drink and I don't even know it. Right? The old Well, I'll if I ever think about drinking, I'll talk to Stan.

I'm seeing Stan two twice a week. How you doing? How you doing?

Right? I'm not telling him what's going on. I'm aware every day what's going on.

I'm doing a mini inventory, right? I'm just not checking with somebody else lest he just judge me. Right?

So, now I've got spiritual pride. The only defect of character I have today that I did not have when I got into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was unwilling to be honest with another man with what's going on in my life because I thought I should be better.

Okay, I should be better. So when I told my wife, here's what's happened. She said, shockingly enough, it's just money.

We'll figure out a way to deal with it. But she said, what are you willing to do different? Oh, and there was a speaker, a guy named Scott, a guy named Scott Redmond from California, and I'd only heard one of his speaker tapes ever that he'd ever said the story that he has $81,000 in debt at 18 years.

And my wife got his phone number through a taper. And I called this guy and he said, "Okay, call me next week. We'll do this deal." Right?

And this is why I love Speaker Taste because they expand your horizon beyond Montgomery, Alabama. Okay? Nothing wrong with Montgomery, Alabama, but Alcoholics Anonymous is bigger than your home group.

Okay? It's bigger than your district. There are other people doing other things than what your sponsor says.

All right? So, I call this guy and I got a pen and I got a legal pad and I got a calculator because I got financial issues, right? So, this guy answers the phone and says, "Okay, man." He said, "Where you at in your 10step practice?" I was like, "What?

What? What?" He's like, "Where you at? Where you at with God?

what what are you doing on your 11step practice? I'm like, dude, I got money issues. And he said, Kent, you have a spiritual disease and you're dying.

Um, and he said, if you don't treat the spiritual illness, he said, all you've done is you you've switched seats in the Titanic, right? We talk in here about the marijuana maintenance program, right? Or having the, you know, acting out sexually or workcoholism.

I was just spending. Okay? So whether it's sex or other outside substances or workcoholism or I've turned my will in my life over to the care of my ambitions, my career ambitions um to gain money, anything.

It's just I've switched substances that make me feel better about myself. Okay. So this guy introduced me.

I never heard anybody nobody I didn't know anybody that ever talked about this stuff. And I know now there are people here that do it, but I had never heard it. Okay, I'd been to big book studies which in my opinion can sometimes become big book discussions.

Um I never heard this right. So this guy started me doing this process. During this time he was dying of a terminal illness.

He had pancreatic cancer and he died at the age of 54. And uh so he introduced me to the spiritual disciplines of 10 and 11. And I want to tell you this isn't some cult.

What we did was right out of the big book. There was nothing we did that's weird. It's just out of the big book.

Um, and I'm willing to show any of you afterwards where it's at. Um, you know, it's funny that we will have almost knocked down knock down dragout arguments over the fourth step. You know, you got to do four columns.

You got to use a number two pencil. And then you say to the guy, hey, you know, what do you do? Oh, I work out the big book.

What do you do in the 10th step? Crickets. Well, then you're not doing the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

You're still a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Absolutely. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

Um, but if you're not working the 12 steps, you can stick around long enough and you'll get relief, but you will never get freedom. And unfortunately, most of us that don't do the work eventually leave, you know, and if you're new, by eventually, I'm not talking 6 months. I'm talking doubledigit sobriety.

Okay? Anytime. And even having done the work, like what happened to me doing 912ths of the work, what was awaken can go back to sleep.

Okay. So, I met this guy two weeks before Scott died. Uh Corey and I were speaking at a conference in Lake Gunnersville.

And uh I was up till 1:00 in the morning talking with this guy from Denver, Colorado. I had a connection with this guy that I've never had with anybody. And um when I I found out that Scott had passed away um within 24 hours I called this guy in Denver and asked him to sponsor me.

This guy did not know Scott. They were not from the same sponsorship lineage. Had never run into him and my sponsor is not a tape guy.

He'd never even heard of Scott Redmond. So I called him up, asked him to sponsor me. He said, "Okay, here's what we're going to do.

You're going to do daily inventory. You're going to call me once a week and we're going to talk about your inventory." And I'm like, "Well, isn't that interesting, right? Isn't that interesting?

So, that's what I've been doing um with him since um with Mickey since 2008. My life has absolutely it has transformed as much since 2008 as it did from 1998 to 2006, just not in the outward in the outward sense. One of the things I'd been working on for several years was uh Department of Defense had sent an email out looking for civilian volunteers for uh people to get deployed.

And uh I talked to my wife about it because this is a family decision. I talked to my sponsor about it and I prayed about it and it was something that I felt strongly about. Um and it was part of my ninestep amends.

I had an honorable discharge from the army but there was still lingering shame. Okay. I didn't get a chance to finish out my last enlistment.

The army was my life. Okay. And I truly let them down.

Not that they can't survive without me. They've done okay. But it it was it was an it was just an internal thing, right?

And uh I tried hard and uh you know, let me tell you what people question is, you know, how do you know it's God's will? God's will is easy. Things fall into place, right?

My will requires a lot of effort. So I'm emailing these people at the Pentagon. I'm calling them once a week.

You know, you got my resume. Have you called Afghanistan? Dude, it's 2:00 in the morning.

We'll call them. And nothing happened. And so I got to the point where I was okay with not going.

Okay? And actually had dinner with my wife and mother-in-law on a a Wednesday or Thursday and I said, "Hey, you know what? It's been a couple years and I've sent like six, seven resumes to different places, Iraq and Afghanistan.

I'm not going to get to go and I'm okay with it because it's obviously not God's will for me." And uh so I said, "Okay, no problem." So I go to work the next day and there's an email. Give us a call. And they said, "Kent, we want you to go to Djibouti, Africa." Um and I was like, "Really?

Okay." So I said yes um because I already had permission pre pre-planned and uh and what a wonderful experience that was. Um I'm a computer guy and I ended up running a uh a satellite office there and it was a small base. It was a French foreign legion base four miles from the Somali border and 12 miles from Yemen and I got to spend a year there.

Um and I went to two AA meetings and then the other two members disappeared after 30 days. Well, no, they went back home, right? And I went 11 months without a meeting.

Um, and I was absolutely fine. I did my I had my my prayer books. I did my prayers.

I did my meditation. I did my morning meditation just like it has did the same things there that I did in Wumpka. Okay.

Um, my wife would send me speaker tapes on a thumb drive. So when I cleaned my little hooch once a week, I listened to speaker tape and I did my nightly review and I did my prayers, you know, and of course I was busy. So when I got there and this is another example of how God works.

I I knew I'd never heard of Djibouti Africa for goodness sakes, right? Um and I didn't do this job for money. In fact, when I this job was only five hours of overtime, but after 30 days there when they made me the branch chief, I ended up working about 80 hour um 80 hour a week.

Um and that was overtime. And uh I gave these guys a dime for a nickel. And when I left, I was the first civilian since 2001 to get a joint service commenation medal.

me and the Department of Defense were okay. All right. I worked my butt off for them and I did a good job.

That shame was gone. The slate was wiped clean. Okay?

You can't put a price on that. So, I come home and, you know, I I know I'm I know I'm I'm making some money. There was hazardous duty pay.

And I asked my wife, I said, "Uh, you know, how much money did I make?" Because I don't keep track of that stuff, right? I spend it. I'm just not responsible with it.

And uh she said you made about $42,000. Um which was the money that I had gotten myself in debt with. But it's also important that we paid that money that debt down.

We we did have a plan. We paid it down with our plan. Okay?

We didn't use that money. Another thing that was neat about that was um in my six-month leave, I got um to take a vacation. They would fly me anywhere in the world that the cost was the same as coming back to Wumpka, you know.

And I love Wit Tumpka, but I know what Witumpka looks like. So, I flew my wife out to Tanzania, Africa, and we did a what, nine-day photo safari where she took 4,500 pictures. Uh, and uh and then we we flew from Arouchia, Tanzania to Zanzibar, and we went scuba diving uh in the Indian Ocean.

When I was in Djibouti, she took scuba lessons uh here at Montgomery Adventure Sports. And so, we got to have that experience together. if I had been in Iraq or Afghanistan, she wouldn't we wouldn't have had that memory, right?

We wouldn't have had that experience that we had together. Now, the last thing I want to talk about because this has been been huge for me. You know that 11st step sought to improve our conscious contact.

Okay, Bill Wilson had written that AA is a spiritual kindergarten. All right, so to me that leads me to believe that there's some work out there available to us, right? The book says be quick to see, right?

You know, and it mentions priests, ministers, rabbis, new age, whatever. There's a a there's a wealth of spiritual information out there in the world. And I think what happens a lot of times, we come in here and we hear it, you hear it outside the rooms, too.

Um, in fact, CNN had a big article, I'm spiritual, I'm not religious. Well, it just means you're not religious. What are you doing spiritually?

Right? And when I talk to people been sober three, four, five years, what do your spiritual practice look like? I asked God to keep me sober.

No, that's awesome. Didn't you do that when you were one day sober? Yes.

What are you doing now? Right. The book said, "Sought to improve on the 10th step." In the beginning of it, it says, "We have just now entered." You've just now entered.

Right? So, think of like putting your toe in the pool, right? The 10th step is designed to keep the channel clear, right?

And that nightly review. But the 11th step, if you read in the big specifically, is to invite us to seek to a conscious contact. And a conscious contact, notice it's not faith, and it's not belief, right?

Because clergymen come here dying from alcoholism. And they have faith and belief. The big book mentions five or six times conscious contact, which is completely different from faith and belief.

It's an experience, okay? And it's freely available. So, I started I started doing some doing some work, doing some reading, right?

And that's not for everyone. I I get it. I get it.

Um but it's what I did. And I started as I started speaking and meeting people. I would ask them, "What are your spiritual practices?

What resonates with you?" And I would try different things that they did. The guy said, "Hey, this book was awesome. This book rocked my world." And one of the guys, I love him to death.

He's almost like a spiritual hero. I read the book he recommended did nothing for me. Okay, it's not a waste of time.

That means this doesn't work for me. Other books people have recommended were abs. While the ego loves knowledge, knowledge properly applied can be transformative.

Okay? Because how do you know what you don't know if you don't make yourself available? I got a spiritual director in my faith and started doing some work outside in conjunction with AA not to replace it.

Um, I ended up what I'm doing now and this especially people that that knew me. Well, there's one right back there, D and her lovely husband, Daryl, >> who is a non-alcoholic but grew up in Chisum. So, so that almost makes him a member.

Um, the last year I applied for and got accepted to do a master's program at Lyola University for pastoral studies. um because I don't really know much about God. Um I don't um and I wanted to discover more.

If I'm going to have a relationship with something somebody, I want to know more about them. Um and so I've I've been embarking on this uh this study and uh no, I'm not going to be a minister, so you you're safe. Um, it's just it's just for me and what I found is old ideas, old beliefs that I had have been absolutely destroyed.

And there's a term for it. It's called emancipatory learning. And they tell you upfront it's difficult.

It's frightening. It's hard to let go of old ideas. Right?

Sounds a lot like AA when you come in as a newcomer, right? And I've had to quash several old ideas I had about God, about religion, about man, mankind. And it's been absolutely wonderful.

And it's transformed my life. I got in there, I had to write an essay to say why I should they should accept me. And it said what describe your ministry and and not in the Protestant sense, the ministry in the sense in the it means to your service.

What is it you you serve? Right? That could be meals on wheels or working for the Salvation Army.

It's not meant for clergy people, right? Um, and I said, "My service service, I serve in Alcoholics Anonymous." Um, you know, because I I belong to a church, but I really don't do anything there. I'm kind of busy.

Um, but I do service in Alcoholics Anonymous, right? And one of the things that God has granted me to do, has granted all of us to do who have had a spiritual awakening is to now pass this along. And there's no greater thing we can do um to help somebody else.

What this program is about absolutely that stop drinking is step one. We have to stop drinking. This program is about finding a relationship with a loving power greater than yourself.

Right. And to be given the gift to be a part of that, to work with men and to see the like Matt says, to see the light come on in their eyes. Absolutely.

You can't put a price tag on that. The guys that I sponsor and there's several of them here. I learned more about myself from working with them than I could ever see in inventory in myself.

Okay, some of these guys, and I won't call them out, they handle situations that absolutely humble me cuz they're sharing it to me and I keep the sponsor poker face on and inside I'm like, damn, brother, you handled that better than I did. Um, you know what I'm saying? And I got a lot more time than some of these guys.

They humble me. They show me. They show me.

They hold a mirror up to where I get to see me. And then to see them grow and to see their relationships heal. You know, Hollywood told me just the other day in a parking lot.

We were talking about this and he said this guy called him and said, uh, he had a phone call from a guy he was sponsoring, I guess, or someone he knew. 3:00 in the morning, the guy was cussing him out. You know, you no good dirty sob.

You need to get on your knees and ask God to save you. And Hollywood was like, "Dude, who is it? we'll go give him a spiritual buttwoman, right?

And uh so but he says to him, he says, "What'd you do?" And the guy said, "Well, I got on my knees and asked God to help me." Holy cow, that never would have occurred to me. Um you know, you know, that's powerful. And was talking to to Morgan, this is not an intellectual program.

It's an experiential program. relationship with God is experential. You have to do it, right?

So, do the work. The understanding comes on the other side of the river, right? But you got to get in the river and you got to swim.

If you can't swim, that's what we're here for, right? We can teach you how to swim. We can support you while you make the journey.

But you got to do it. If you're waiting till you figure it out, you'll never even get in the river, right? So, just get in the river.

And thank you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day.