AA Speaker – Kerry C. – Seattle, WA – 2010
Kerry C. from Pennsylvania shares her AA speaker journey from homelessness and suicide attempts to recovery through rigorous step work and spiritual experience. A recovered alcoholic and Big Book advocate.
Kerry C. from Pennsylvania got sober at 18 after years of homelessness, suicide attempts, and psychiatric holds—hitting a bottom so deep that by her own reckoning she shouldn’t have survived. In this AA speaker tape, she walks through how working the Big Book steps with a sponsor gave her a spiritual experience that changed everything, and how decades later she still practices those principles in her daily life.
Kerry C. shares her AA speaker experience of early sobriety at 18, describing how a spiritual experience through rigorous step work—particularly Fourth and Fifth Steps—relieved her of the obsession to drink and the fear that dominated her life. She emphasizes the importance of sponsorship, Big Book study, and practicing spiritual principles in all affairs, arguing that genuine recovery requires more than staying sober but transformation through service to others and to a Higher Power. The talk covers her journey from victim mentality in her Fourth Step to understanding her role in her circumstances, and how willingness to do difficult amends—including returning to school—built spiritual strength that carries her through life’s challenges today.
Episode Summary
Kerry C. opens with a striking honesty about who she is: an alcoholic, a liar, and someone who “might embellish things.” She’s been sober since September 6, 1994—over 15 years at the time of this talk—and credits her sponsor, a home group, and rigorous step work as the foundation of her recovery. Unlike many AA speakers who focus on how bad their drinking got, Kerry quickly moves past the “drunk-a-log” and into what actually transformed her.
Her story is brutal. She ran away from home at 17 with a 28-year-old man, lived on the streets, got evicted from an apartment in East Orange, New Jersey, attempted suicide, and spent multiple stints in psychiatric holds and rehabs. The night before her sobriety date, she was homeless in Harlem, woke up covered in filth from a hole she’d fallen into, sleeping in her husband’s ex-girlfriend’s basement with no money. A man at an AA meeting had invited her to a Monday night meeting the night before. She laughed in his face, drunk.
But the next morning, desperate and alone, she remembered that the people in AA were the only ones who never turned her away. She got on her knees and prayed to God to let her get to a 1 p.m. meeting two towns away, and to not drink. She went to that meeting, stole a Big Book (paid it back later through amends), went to another meeting at 5 p.m., another at 8 p.m., and detoxed on a couch. She hasn’t had a drink since.
What makes Kerry’s talk powerful is what comes next. She was almost two years sober before she actually wrote a Fourth Step. Almost two years sober, sitting in meetings, with nothing but “the grace of God” between her and a drink. She describes this time as terrifying—white-knuckling, full of fear, with no access to a spiritual experience.
Then she walked into a meeting on Staten Island where a man—who looked like “Captain Kangaroo and David Crosby had a love child”—started asking her questions about her drinking. He was qualifying her on the First Step, asking about the physical allergy, the mental obsession, the spiritual malady. He called someone over and said, “You need to work with them now.” She started the steps.
Kerry’s take on the steps is practical and specific. She explains the First Step not as shame but as evidence: if you answer yes to all the questions (Can’t control how much you drink once you start? Can’t control whether you drink?), then you are absolutely screwed. Recovery is impossible on your own power. There is no human solution. The only answer is a spiritual experience with a God you don’t know, don’t understand, and might blame for everything.
For Kerry, that last part was real. She grew up in an alcoholic household, experienced physical and sexual abuse, and tried to kill herself at 16. When she was told she needed a relationship with a Higher Power to stay sober, she describes it as being asked to “jump the Grand Canyon on a skateboard.” But Bill W. talks about the “God experiment”—laying aside your prejudice, no matter how difficult, to have an experience with something greater than yourself. Kerry was willing to believe that the people showing her this program knew something she didn’t and were happy. She wasn’t. So she followed their direction.
Her Third Step was a contract with God. She read the Third Step prayer—which she calls “a freaking contract, man”—out of her Big Book: “God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou will.” She’s asking God to work with her, not to take away all her problems so she can feel better, but to relieve her of self-will so she can serve Him better. That’s the deal.
The Fourth Step is where the real work happens. Kerry describes writing her inventory and realizing she had lied to herself about almost everything. She made stories that justified her actions, dressed up all her mistakes so she could put her head on the pillow without feeling like “an ass.” But in the Fourth Step, she faced the turds she’d dressed up—and realized that even in relationships where she was technically a victim, she’d made decisions that placed her there. She knew her husband was violent because his ex-girlfriend told her. She ignored it because she wanted what she wanted. She volunteered for the position. This wasn’t to blame herself for being abused, but to stop living as a victim and take responsibility for her choices.
The Fifth Step was confession to God, herself, and another human being. And then the steps that follow: asking God to remove character defects, making amends, doing daily inventory, building a relationship through prayer and meditation, and carrying the message.
Kerry’s amends story is the centerpiece of this talk. The silliest, most impactful amend: going back to her high school principal to apologize. She’d been expelled, had gotten her sponsor thrown out of a step meeting when she quoted the Big Book, had convinced herself she was too stupid to ever go to college. Her sponsor told her that whatever she was told to do in amends, she had to do it. The principal told her: go to college. Kerry was terrified. What if she failed? She took a class at community college. She didn’t fail. She took two. She graduated with a 4.0, went to a university, graduated in the top 5% of her class, and is now in graduate school. None of this was because the principal cared whether she finished. It was because the amend—the willingness to set things right—required her to grow. Every time she did something terrifying with God, she got “another little piece of rebar in my soul,” another piece of backbone, another experience that told her she would never truly be alone.
What Kerry does with this recovery is striking. She and her husband detox people on their couch. She brings people through the steps. She answers phones at 3 a.m. from sponsees. She handles actual emergencies: when her great-niece had a car accident with skull fractures and internal bleeding, Kerry got the news at midnight after work, crumpled on the floor, then immediately asked her family, “What can I do to be of service?” She shows up at the hospital with food, stays with them, explains medical terms because of her education. A couple of years before this talk, someone was shot in front of her in a mall. A man asked if there was a nurse. She said, “No, I’m a mom,” took off her sweater, held the man’s hand while bleeding onto it, and waited for EMS. Afterward, she had a panic attack. But in the moment, she wasn’t thinking about herself. The program taught her not to think about herself.
Kerry is critical of modern AA, arguing that the recovery rate has dropped from 75% in AA’s first 20 years to 6-10% today because AA stopped doing step work, stopped working with newcomers, and let professionals dictate the program instead of recovered alcoholics. She’s grateful for the Big Book thumpers, the people who still do the steps, the areas that still have a grip on what recovery actually is. Without that, without a spiritual experience, without God, someone like her doesn’t survive.
She wraps up by describing what recovery means to her: not extraordinary stories about gunshot wounds and family emergencies, but the little things. Picking up her husband’s underwear without yelling. Making coffee for meetings. Chairing meetings. Taking a sponsee’s 3 a.m. call. Step work. Service work. Living it in her home and family and community. That’s where the real recovery is. That’s what being a recovered alcoholic means—not just staying sober, but bringing a spiritual awakening into the world through service.
Notable Quotes
I am an alcoholic. I’m a liar, you know. And I want to tell you I want to give you a good story. But I always pray before I start to talk and ask God to put the love in my heart and the words in my mouth so that I can speak the truth.
Being an alcoholic means that I have a physical allergy, a mental obsession, and a spiritual malady. And I have all this stuff going on inside of me. That’s what constitutes being an alcoholic—mind, body, and spirit. Which is why we recover mind, body, and spirit.
I left my house with every intention of not drinking. I left my house saying ‘I am going to get sober.’ And by the way, I got two blocks from the liquor store and I would say ‘I’m thirsty,’ and I would walk in and I would be drunk before I got to the meeting. That’s the type of alcoholic I was.
The big book tells me that although I might be mentally defective, my alcoholism is not causal. These things didn’t cause my alcoholism. They made the situation worse, but they didn’t cause it.
God, take me because right now everything sucks and I am absolutely convinced of the hopelessness and futility of my life as I’ve been living it. Build with me and do with me as thou will.
Every time there’s something that I’m absolutely terrified to do and I face it with God and I put my hand out and I said ‘I put my hand in yours, God. Let’s go.’ And I walk through it, no matter how terrifying it is, I get another one of those little pieces of backbone, another piece of rebar in my soul.
Where my true recovery lies is in my home, my occupations, and my affairs. Ask my family whether I practice these principles. Ask my family whether I’m a recovered alcoholic.
Step 3 – Surrender
Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
Step 5 – Admission
Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
Big Book Study
Spiritual Awakening
Sponsorship
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Step 5 – Admission
- Steps 8 & 9 – Making Amends
- Big Book Study
- Spiritual Awakening
- Sponsorship
People Also Search For
▶
Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> I am an alcoholic.
>> Give me a second to swallow my gum. Thank you. Silly Jersey girl.
Okay. Um, I whenever I give a talk, I usually start with, uh, my sobriety date is September 6th, 1994. My sponsor's name is Melissa, and my home group is the Way Out Group in Tannersville, Pennsylvania.
And I always start with those three things because one, I need to stop drinking in order to have a sobriety date, right? Two, a sponsor and a home group is always very, very important in uh, achieving any type of sobriety. But I want to pause a moment because whenever I talk um I'm an alcoholic.
I'm a liar, you know. And I want to tell you I want to give you a good story. You know, I want to get you guys really excited and and I might embellish some things.
So, I always pray before I start to talk and ask God to put the put love in my heart and the words in my mouth so that I can speak the truth. So, I'm going to try really hard not to lie. And it's going to be really hard.
Um but uh you know I I I I had a wonderful time here. I I went to the uh the spirituality breakfast this morning and I heard some wonderful speakers and I thought gee they said it all. I could just go home.
Um I got to meet some wonderful people and and fellowship which I really like doing. Um part of the reason why I like to do these conferences and I like to do these things and fly all over is because I like to see AA everywhere. I like to see what other people are doing and how you guys are doing it, you know, so that I can learn from you and so that I can take something home and say, you know, I was I talked to somebody and they did this.
Let's try that. Um, I also like to know that despite all the different little quirks, we're all the same as well. I love the fact that I can walk into a meeting anywhere in the world and I say that I'm an alcoholic and I identify myself as an alcoholic and you all understand what that means, you know, and for the newcomers who don't necessarily understand because I didn't understand what an alcoholic was for a really long time in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Nobody explained it to me. I came in and I thought that I had identified myself as an alcoholic to kind of join the club. I'm in the club, you know, and I didn't really understand what that meant.
I just knew that I had to stay it in order to stay here. I had to say it on in order to share in the close meetings, which were fun because that's where everybody said everything that I thought was interesting. Um, but being an alcoholic means that I have a physical allergy, which means that when I put alcohol in my body, I can't control how much I drink once I start.
It means that I have a mental obsession that says, "Well, that's normal." or, you know, it's my parents' fault or uh I don't care about what's going to happen after I take this drink because the drink means more to me than any possible consequence I could ever encounter. And I have a spiritual malady, and that spiritual malady tells me that I'm alone, that I'm not good enough, and that nobody's ever going to love me. Um, and I have all this stuff going on inside of me, and that's what constitutes being an alcoholic.
Mind, body, and spirit. Which is why we recover mind, body, and spirit. We put the alcohol down.
We recover physically, you know. We come to Alcoholics Anonymous and get a sponsor. We start working the steps and we start to get a little bit going on in the head a little bit, you know, and as a result of working these 12 steps, we have a spiritual awakening and this recovery blossoms.
Now, I'm something of what you would call a big book thumper back where I live because there are people who take exception to the way that I was taught the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um there are people who don't necessarily believe in the program of recovery as I was taught it in the first 164 pages of the big book. I was very happy to come here and hear speakers and people just talking about doing step work and recovering and yada yada yada.
I'm like oh I'm home. Ah if I can I take you in my suitcase and bring you back to where I live where people yell at me. Um so I have a tendency to piss people off when I speak.
In fact, where where I live, I'm invited. People will say, you know, oh, I'm celebrating. Let's get Carrie to come in and make my home group really angry.
You know, oh, we're having a day of sharing. Let's get Carrie to go in and piss everybody off because I have this this this talent of saying really whatever it is that I think and not really caring whether or not you like me or not until afterwards when I go out to the parking lot and somebody comes comes up to me and says, "I don't like what you said." And I was like, well, gee, you know, most of what I'm going to talk about tonight is is is my experience with the 12 steps. And I really don't make this stuff up.
I'm not brilliant. There's nothing extra special about me. Honestly, I have a great sponsor.
I've been lucky to have some wonderful sponsors in my life, some wonderful teachers, and I've had people who have introduced me to the program of recovery. And because I got introduced as a a young person, I got sober at 18. So I got introduced to the program of recovery as a young person.
I've spent my entire adult life living this which is good and bad which means that I'm doing everything really for the first time and I'm really trying hard to do it right because you know there are these principles that we're you know we're not supposed to lie. We're not supposed to steal it's not we're not supposed to be mean to people. We're supposed to be tolerant and patient and I fail miserably all the time at least with the patience intolerant thing.
the stealing thing I got down. In fact, I guarantee you that I'm not going to take anything from the hotel room. Um, but you know, so I I've embarked on this process and this program of recovery as a as a young person.
So, it's it's an interesting thing because I I've learned how to do things right the first time. And I've been very grateful for that. I have four children.
Um, my oldest daughter will be 15 in a month and she's never seen me drink. Now I did have her 10 months after I got sober, but she's never seen me drink. And my children haven't.
They know about recovery. They know about 12step work. They they know my sponses.
My husband is sober as well. He actually got sober with me. We drank together and we got sober together.
We have the same sobriety date. Um and again, it was good and bad. The first year is a little rocky.
Um but the thing is is that this program and what I do and what I talk about, I don't say anything up here that I don't actually do. I'm not some I I was taught very early on in recovery that I have to do what I say and say what I do and I have to mean it, you know, and so I'm not somebody who is an angel in AA and then gets out on the street and uh and I'm a meanie, you know. I'm a meanie, you know, because I can't help because I'm an alcoholic, but it's certainly not intentional.
Um, but the thing is is I really believe in practicing these principles. I believe in living this way. So, let me tell you a little bit about how I got here.
I really don't like to talk about the drunkal log. I think it's rather boring. I think your stories are probably a lot more interesting than mine, but for a little bit of identification.
So, I mean, because it's really important in the big book and and there's a solution. It talks about it says that with the real alcoholic can win the confidence of another alcoholic in a very short period of time because the fact is is that a non-alcoholic or somebody who who you know, a doctor, you know, family, friends, they couldn't reach me because they really didn't understand what was going on with me. They saw my behavior.
They understood that there was something wrong with me, but they weren't having the same experience that I was having. So despite all of the love and the the the energy that the people in my life put into trying to help me, they couldn't. But as an alcoholic talking about what my experience was with with alcohol and then with recovery, I can win the confidence of an alcoholic very quickly because we speak the same language.
Now, you might have drank more than me. uh you know, you might have had better jobs or did things that were different. Heck, you could have a penis, you know, but we have these things in common that that the allergy, the mental obsession, and the spiritual malady come together that despite whatever our differences might be, we share this common ground.
So, my first drink was when I was nine. My first rehab was nth grade. Um, I've had several suicide attempts.
I have been in four-point restraints. I know what a straight jacket, Actually, that's not true. It's not really a straight jacket, but um, it's where they wrestle you to the ground and then they tie your hands and they put you in the bed and shoot you up a thorine.
I've had that happen. I've had I've fought I somebody was talking about it this morning at the spirituality breakfast talking about like fighting police officers and the straight and the four-point restraints. I'm like, "Yeah, I've done that.
My parents actually called the cops on me and had I got a police escort to rehab and I fought some police officers in my parents living room. They went to Alanon and learned some things. Um, so I've had all these experiences, but you know the the the the rehabs, the mental wards, the fourpoint restraints, the the the the police officers living on the streets, all these things, they don't make me an alcoholic.
These are the things that I experience because of my alcoholism. But what makes me an alcoholic are those three things that I talked about, you know, and so, you know, there may be some of you who are like, "Yeah, yeah, I've done the the the been strapped to the bed thing." And there are some people who are saying, "Yeah, I didn't do that." But the thing is, and the ultimately the thing that that that we have in common are those three things. But what's important for me to talk about is not so much about how bad it was, but to give you an idea of actually what a true miracle I am.
And again, this is not my ego saying, "Oh, look at me. I'm great." It's more like, "Look what Alcoholics Anonymous has done. Look what God has done." Because I'm the type of person who when I when I used to when I was drinking, I used to want to get sober and I would leave my house and I would say, "I'm going to go to the meeting today and I'm not going to drink." And I would go out my front door.
I would walk down the street and my next thought was, "Well, if somebody offers me a drink, I'm not going to turn them down." And then I would get two blocks from the liquor store and I would say, "I'm thirsty. I need a soda." And I would walk into the liquor store and I would buy whatever it is that I was going to buy. And I would be drunk before I got to the meeting.
I left my house with every intention of not drinking. I left my house saying, "I am going to get sober. Gosh darn it." And by the way, I have to tell you, I have a foul mouth.
I'm a Jersey girl. I'm pathetic and I curse and I apologize. And what happens if I don't apologize before, you know, while I'm talking before I start to curse because I feel it coming.
Then I spend my whole talk saying, "Please don't curse. Please don't curse." And then I give a bad talk. So I apologize for any foul language that flies out of my mouth.
And I will work on that character defect. Thank you very much. I'm kidding.
We don't work on character defects. We just keep offering them to God. And eventually he fixes it when we're ready.
So that's my excuse. That's what I'm going with. Thank you.
God hasn't fixed it yet. So anyway, so I was that that's the type of person. And that's the type of alcoholic I was.
It's like the most ardent desire to stop drinking was absolutely no of no avail to me. That I could want to get sober but couldn't. And it was funny because I don't know why on September 6th, 1994, I didn't drink that day.
I woke up. I came too. I was homeless.
I had been thrown out of I had run away from home on Mother's Day when I was 17 cuz I'm that kind of person. I'm going to run away from home. heck, you know, pack my hefty bag and get on the back of the motorcycle of this 28-year-old guy that I'm dating who has like two ex-wives and a couple kids and I'm 17 and I'm going to get on the back of his motorcycle in front of my parents cuz that's the type of person I was and drive away without a word.
And that's exactly what I did. And of course, he threw me out because, you know, I I really he was just a wallet and booze to me. You know, that's pretty much what everybody was.
there were a wallet and access to to booze and so I lived with him. He threw me out. I found some my husband actually who would take care of me.
And uh that was what I did. But so I had my husband and I we we but we weren't married at the time. We were just two wave alcoholics wandering the streets wreaking havoc.
We had we had an apartment in a town called East Orange, New Jersey. And I know you guys don't know about East Orange, but um it's hell. It's a ghetto.
It's very violent and very scary and you really don't want to be there at night. And I'm 18 years old and I have this apartment and I was evicted. Um, I don't really know why, but I'm sure pretty sure it had to do with, you know, the mess of alcohol and paraphernalia all over the place and the fact that, you know, you know, played in loud music at night, stumbled at home, didn't always make it into the apartment.
Sometimes it was the front porch or things like that or the wandering out to go get more at 3:00 in the morning and then not making it back and things like that. I'm pretty sure that's probably why they had me thrown out of the apartment. I'm pretty sure that was it.
But anyway, so I was I was thrown out of my apartment and I lost the job that I had. I had a job at a clothing store. It was like a Mandy's.
Um, and I was fired from there because apparently when you're really drunk, it's very hard to make change. But the problem was is that my drawer wasn't often short. It was over.
Like apparently I just stole people's money. So I always have like a drawer with like $5, $10 more. And that I just I didn't understand why they had a problem with that.
I was making the money, but they had an issue with that. Apparently, you have to have exact change when you hand in your receipts in your drawer. So anyway, so I was fired from that job and I was living out of a hefty bag and I was sleeping on people's couches and I was crashing in people's basement and my husband and I um we went into New York City to do what we do with two of the biggest low lives in Carne, New Jersey because that's where I was staying.
And the night before I um I got sober, I met a couple people that were driving us into the city at this park. It was called Town Hall Park in Carney. And there was a Monday night meeting right next door.
And of course, this happened to be Monday night. I don't know why it never occurred to me that I was, you know, getting getting my ride into the city while I was drunk off my Heiney in Town Hall Park next to all these people from AA that I knew because I had been going to AA meetings and not being able to get sober. And um this guy, his name was Billy, came up to me and he said, you know, do you want to come downstairs?
And I looked at him and I had a bottle of Bikardi in my hand and a couple hundred dollars and a ride to the city. I said, "No." He said, "Okay, well, you know, if you want to come downstairs, you're welcome to do that." And I just laughed in this guy's face. I was like, "Nah." And uh I got my ride and I went off to do what I did.
And I woke woke up the next morning and of course I was broke and I was hung over and I was exhausted and I was dirty and I was I mean I fell in a hole in Harlem. I I there are holes, you know, there. I was in a abandoned field like this lot with tires and there was a hole and I fell in it.
I was covered in I'm not really sure what it was but it ate through my pants. Um covered in this filth and uh I woke up and I was sleeping, get this, this is the funniest part of this whole thing. I my husband and I decided that we were going to sleep in his ex-girlfriend's basement because we couldn't make it.
We couldn't like, you know, we got off, you know, we got dropped off in Carne and we couldn't make it to the train station to get to where we were staying. We were, you know, and so the idea is we took shelter in this basement, which was the apartment that he used to have with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah.
And so I woke up in my husband's ex-girlfriend's basement covered in filth and pants eaten through and no money. And my parents wouldn't speak to me. And uh I remember that guy the night before who said that I can go downstairs if I wanted to.
And I remember thinking that the people in AA were the only people who ever ever accepted me and never turned me away no matter what it was that I did. I mean I left in this man's face and he smiled, gave me a hug and said, "I'll see you soon." I know. And I remember thinking, "This is the only place that anybody will ever tolerate me because I'm such an asshole." and I really need to go back there.
I just do. And I remember getting down on my knees and I remember saying to God, "Please, just there's a meeting at 1:00 at two towns away. I'll walk there.
Please, just let me get to this meeting. Please let me not drink." And I went to the meeting and I stole a big book. I I paid that back.
By the way, the amends is a beautiful process. Um, and then I uh I I went to another meeting at five o'clock. And then I went to another meeting at 8 o'clock.
And then I went and I actually stayed on the couch in my husband's ex-girlfriend's apartment because she let us in. And I detoxed and I haven't had a drink since. And the thing that's miraculous about this is that somebody like me that that doesn't happen.
Somebody like me dies an alcoholic death. Somebody like me is a statistic. And I don't know why that I'm not except for that that God intervened.
I had that one true moment of willingness. They say they they say that on a found upon a foundation of willingness we can build well said it. He can build what he s what he saw in his friend Ebie.
And for that one moment I truly truly wanted to be sober. And I was willing to pay any price to do that. And the fact is is that there's a price to be paid in order to get sober and stay sober.
There are requirements. Nobody likes to hear that. At least where I come from, people don't like to hear that there are requirements or there are rules or there are musts.
I remember I remember sitting in meetings and people would say there are no musts in the big book. I'm like, what the hell book are you reading? They they give me a special version.
There are a lot of musts in this book. Must not do this, must do that. You know, must live on a spiritual basis or die an alcoholic death.
Hm. But there are no musts. You know, there's some pretty difficult musts in this book for that matter, but the musts that are in here pay such a deep and wonderful reward.
I don't like the word promises. And the reason why I don't like the word promises is because I made a lot of promises and I never kept them. I like the word results.
I like cause and effect. I'm not that smart, but I have a I you know, I have a scientific education and I like the idea of cause and effect. You do this, this happens.
Bill set up this book because he knows that alcoholics are result junkies. We're not going to do anything unless we know what we're going to get. You know, I love you.
Somebody handed me a glass and I would drink it no matter what. It could have been Drano, but if it smelt like booze, I was drinking it, you know. And then somebody tells me, well, you know, you got to go make that event.
Well, do I have to? Why? You know, I never asked why when I was drinking, but all of a sudden I get sober and I decide that I'm going to pick and choose what I'm going to do to recover.
You know, that's a little funny, but I'm like that. That's cuz I'm an alcoholic and I have this thing that I don't want to pay. I just want results.
And that's not how this works. this this the way that this program works and the way that I was taught was that the biggest thing that I need to do is follow direction that my sponsor has an experience that I don't have. My sponsor is sober and I'm not or I'm getting sober.
My sponsor is a recovered alcoholic, meaning that she is relieved of the obsession to drink and no longer puts alcohol in her system. That's what a recovered alcoholic means. It means recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body.
That does not mean that the spiritual aspect of my disease isn't out doing push-ups in the parking lot. It does and it is and it kicks my ass regularly. But the idea here is that I don't have a mind that thinks about alcohol the way that I used to.
My mind does not tell me the lies it used to tell me. And my body no longer receives alcohol. And therefore, I'm recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body.
But how did that happen? Well, it happened because somebody somebody gave me this book. And you want to hide something from an alcoholic, you put it in a big book and where I live.
Yeah. And where I live and where I got sober, people really didn't do the steps. They talked about them.
I can remember sitting in step meetings and people would be like, "Well, I never wrote a fourep, but I heard Hazelton makes a really good pamphlet." Yeah. And so by the grace of God, my husband got a job out in Staten Island. And in Staten Island, there was an enclave of people who were big book Nazis.
That's what they called them. They called them the Nazis. And I really hate that connotation.
But anyway, that's what they were called. And I accidentally stumbled into this meeting where there was this guy who was from California and he was speaking and he was there visiting because he was about to leave to go study with the Dollaly Lama. I didn't know this.
He looked like Captain Kangaroo and D like if David Crosby and Captain Kangaroo had sex and had a love child, this is who this man would this is what this man looked like. So, I'm 19, almost 20. I have about a year and a half clean.
I'm miserable. I'm dying an alcoholic death and in so and in sobriety because I have no recovery. I have no real relationship with God.
And I'm full of fear. I hadn't gotten access to a solution yet. So, basically, I was just white knuckling it every moment of every day.
You know, when I had a little girl, I I had her at 10 and a half months. sober. She was conceived during detox, thank God, because if she was conceived prior to detox, that would have been really scary.
Um, and so I had this little baby and I'm sober and I'm a kid and I have no tools for living. I cannot function. I can remember I can remember I was I was in a meeting in Staten Island when I first moved there and I was sitting in the back of the meeting and I I needed to get a cup of coffee.
meeting hadn't started yet or anything like that. And and and it I was sitting at the back and and to get up to go to the front to get that cup of coffee. seemed like I was walking a million miles and everyone was going to look at me and everyone was going to see me and what would they think about me and how it took me five minutes to just get the up the courage to get up and get this cup of coffee and go sit down at my table because you would see into me and see how worthless and alone and fraud that I was because I would come in and I would parrot all these slogans and all these things and and I sounded good when I was sharing but I really was empty and hollow inside and alone because I didn't have access to a higher power because I was still my own higher power.
So I walk into this meeting and there's this guy who's about to study with the Daly Lama and he walks up to me and he starts talking to me and in fact he talked about amends and I took exception to what he had to say because I don't think you have to make amends to everybody cuz I am possibly one of those people who could be hurt when it says you know we make amends to everyone except when injured them or others. I considered myself an other. And I went to explain this to this man and what he did is he sat down and he pulled me aside and he said, you know, he asked me some questions about my drinking.
And I said, uhhuh. Uhhuh. Yeah.
Yeah. You know, when I drink, I can't stop. And you know, no, I can't control and enjoy my drinking.
And once I start, you know, yeah, you know, that happens to me, too. Yep. Yep.
Yep. When I'm controlling it, I'm not enjoying it. When I'm enjoying it, I'm not controlling it.
Yep. Yep. Yep.
And he starts asking me about the way I think about alcohol. And I'm answering all these questions. My head's going up and down and up and down.
And he starts talking about the spirituality. And page 52, the beds, you know. Yeah.
You having trouble with personal relationships? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You pray to misery and depression. Uh-huh. You full of fear?
Damn right. Can you be of real help to other people? No.
You know, I can barely tie my shoes and it took me like 15 minutes to just get out the door to get here, you know. And um and the reason reason why I talked to him was because he looked like Captain Kangaroo, you know. Anyway, and he started and I realized today after having you know some recovery um that he what he was doing is he was qualifying me.
He was asking me about my first step. He was asking me about all those the mind, body and spirit and about alcoholism. And then what he did is he called somebody over and he said you need to work with them now.
And I started to go through the 12 steps. So, I'm almost two years sober before I actually put pen to paper and actually write a forep. I'm almost two years sober before I find out what it means to be an alcoholic.
You know, can you imagine that? God, thank God I was able to remain sober for that time. But if I hadn't, I would have died.
I was dead for 2 and 1/2 minutes by my own hand when I was 16 years old. I was really pissed when I came to in the ICU, intubated and I was like, "God, I can't even die. Can't live.
Can't drink. Rehab sucks. I hate you, God." You know, I was really very upset.
I kind of expected to, you know, to just kind of go go out nice and cool and easy to wake up, you know, all kinds of tubes and charcoal and and then another then another rehab. That was not my idea of a good time, you know. But the idea is that, you know, that's that's me.
That's what happens to me when I'm untreated. So then somebody like me spent two years almost in Alcoholics Anonymous completely untreated with nothing nothing between her and a drink except for the grace of God. That's a scary how many people are dying today because of the state of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm not talking about here because you guys seem to be doing a really good job but around the around the country around the world that's not necessarily what's going on.
I can remember being about three years sober and I was in a step meeting and we were talking about the four steps. So, I cracked out my big book and of course a step meeting means a 12 and 12 meeting. Um, I cracked out my big book and said, "Oh, you know, there's some instructions to the force.
You want to take a look at it?" And I got thrown out of the meeting. Yeah. So, what one I learned to have a really thick skin because I piss a lot of people off.
And two, what I learned is the truth is the truth and you can't argue with the truth. And my experience has been that after I found out that I was absolutely screwed. I mean the thing that the thing thing about the first step and what the first step really tells me if I answer yes to all those questions then I am screwed that I cannot recover on my own power and there is no human power that can come between me and that bottle that the only solution for me is a spiritual experience a spiritual experience with a god that I don't know or understand or have any experience with because I spent my entire life in a bottle and full of fear and now I'm told that I have to get this relationship with this higher power that I didn't particularly like and I felt rejected because you know I tried to die man and he wouldn't even let me die.
So I was really pissed off at God and I grew up in this household where my parents were wonderful people. My parents are not alcoholics but unfortunately four out of five of my brothers and sisters are and I'm the youngest by about 16 years. So I grew up in an alcoholic household even though my parents did the best that they could.
I grew up around drugs and violence and uh you know I'm the type of kid who is tossed downstairs. Bad things have happened to me. That doesn't make me an alcoholic.
I thought it did. I thought I drank because I had pain because of my inner child and I wasn't loved enough, you know. know and my big book tells me that although I might be mentally defective that that that was not that my alcoholism is not causal that these things didn't help they certainly exasper you know they made the situation worse but they didn't cause my alcoholism um but I had I had all this stuff that was going that went on in this on these experiences and and as a woman and I know this is going to make some men uncomfortable but I don't care because there's not a whole lot of women speakers so too bad sit through You know, as a woman, as an alcoholic, we had I had to do a lot of things I didn't particularly like doing.
A lot of things that made me feel really worthless and empty inside. I mean, I ran away from home with a 28-year-old guy with two ex-wives and a bunch of kids. I didn't feel particularly happy or proud of that moment of my life.
Um, you know, when you're drunk and you're in a and you're a woman and you're passed out, sometimes people do things to you that you didn't particularly want them to do or you didn't even know that they were doing it until you woke up in the middle and said, "Hey, who the hell are you and why are you on me? Why am I naked?" These things happen and uh they really truly take a chunk out of your soul and your spirit, you know. You know, so you put that together with an alcoholic household, physical abuse, sexual abuse, rape, and I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm completely empty inside and I'm full of anger and I'm told that I'm supposed to get a relationship with a higher power who I thought caused all this stuff because, you know, if he really loved me, he would have given me better parents.
If he really loved me, he wouldn't have made me an alcoholic. If he really loved me, then uh, you know, everything in my life would be great, right? I mean I used to sit when I was a little kid I used to dream that I was used to pray that my real parents would come and save me from my household.
Yeah I yeah I am really really related to my family but I used to really dream the day that I found out that I wasn't and that I would be rescued from what I was experiencing in my life. And again this isn't to make people uncomfortable but to explain why when it came to AA and I was told that I had to get a relationship with a higher power and I had to get get it now and my life depended on it. It was it was like asking me to It was like asking me to jump the Grand Canyon on a skateboard.
It was completely impossible, and fathomable and absolutely frightening. But Bill talks about it. He says that he says that we have to make that we have to walk over the bridge of reason to the to the shores of faith.
He says that we have to try. You know, the big book talks about experience. He doesn't talk they don't talk about what we think about the steps.
They don't talk about what we think about God. Bill talks about our experience. He says that our big book is a combined knowledge and experience.
You know, because the fact is is that whether I like what my solution is today, I like the solution, but when I was introduced to the idea that I had to get a relationship with a higher power, I didn't like that. That wasn't particularly what I wanted to do. I wanted to be told that, you know, some kind of behavior modification.
and you know, get a rubber pan, snap it a bunch of times, I won't drink, you know, or, you know, maybe I just talk a real lot about all the terrible things that everybody did to me and I can blame them for my problems. I can get it out of me and then I can, you know, be normal like everybody else. Uh-uh.
But what I was told was that I had to get this relationship with a higher power that I didn't like, that I didn't trust, that I blame for all my problems. And I was told that I would die if I didn't. And so what Bill asks us to do is to do something called the God experiment.
Now, he doesn't say it in there. Actually, he does later, by the way. I I stole this.
I'm gonna I always take credit for this because I'm such an egotistical alcoholic, but the fact is is I read it in language of the heart. But anyway, I'm going to um Bill talks about the God experiment in the We agnostics. He he talks about it and he says that we that he gives us all these arguments for faith, right?
He talks about electricity. He talks about electrons. He talks about Columbus.
He talks about Galileo. He talks about the Wright Wright brothers. And what he's talking about and what he's saying is he asks us to evaluate the material world and take a look at what faith and courage has done for humankind.
And he asks us to lay aside our prejudice, no matter how difficult that might be, in order to have an experience with a higher power that we may not understand. Because at the second step, we don't understand a higher power. We have no experience with it because we've been playing God our entire lives and calling it something else.
At least I had been, you know. So, Bill asks us to lay aside all of those things to have an experience with a higher power. And then he politely explains to us that if we don't do that that that we'll probably drink again.
He talks about it. He says that alcohol is the great persuader that it beats us into a state of reasonleness. You know, so that's why we spend so much time in the big book talking about the first step to make sure we're nice and beaten so that when we approach the concept or the idea that we have to get a relationship with a higher power that we're much more open to it because we're reminded exactly what it means to be an alcoholic which means a death sentence because that's what it is.
It's a death sentence. So then I took this God experiment. I didn't know that I did.
What I knew is that the people who were showing me how to do this recovery thing knew something I didn't know and were happy and I wasn't. It was that simple. So, I was willing to believe that they believed that there was something greater than themselves.
And I was willing to believe that if I did what they did, I would get what they got. And what they had was they seemed to not be so afraid of everything and everyone. And they had some freedom in their lives.
And I wanted that, you know. So, I I took my third step and what my third step was a pack that I made with God. You ever read the third step prayer?
That's a freaking contract, man. Read it. In fact, you know what?
Despite the fact that I do have it memorized because I say it every morning, just for the effect, I'm going to read it out of my big book. It says, "God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wil. Relieve me of the bondage of self so that may better do thy will.
take away my difficulties that have victory over them who bear witness to those I would help with thy love, thy power, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. So I said, God, take me because I right now everything sucks.
And I am absolutely convinced of the hopelessness and futility of my life as I've been living it. Build with me and do with me as thou will. And that's and and you know, and when we read the seventh step prayer, it says my creator, right?
Because what Bill's telling us is that God isn't finished with us. that we're unfinished work. We're unfired clay and that we get to get back into the game and allow God to finish or to work with us again.
Because the fact is is that when I'm run running on self-will and when I'm God and when I'm my own God, and trust me, I can be, I'm not participating in God's creation. I'm working against it because I have my own idea of what everything's supposed to look like. I have my own idea of who you're supposed to be, who I'm supposed to be, and what we're supposed to do.
And when I'm blocked by that, that idea, I can't truly be of service to anyone else because I'm so busy trying to make you fit yourself to be a maximum service to me. So, I'm asking God to build with me to continue. I'm saying, God, all right, I'm ready for you to work with me.
Relieve me of the bondage to self. And I'm asking you to relieve me the bondage yourself so that I can better do your will. So I'm not asking God to take away all the problems and all the crap that annoys me and fact that I'm a complete emotional basket case so that I can feel better because I've been looking to feel better my entire life.
That's what that's how I made it here. You know, I've been looking to feel better. You know what what I'm asking God to do is to help me to be better so that I can serve him.
That's a deal, isn't it? Um, that's a cause and effect. That's me saying, "God, do this for me and I'll do this for you." I struck a bargain, didn't I?
We don't like to look at it that way, but it's what we're doing. Says, "Take away my difficulties that victory over them or bear witness to those I would help. Thy power, thy love, and thy way of life may do thy will always." So, take away my difficulties so I can be an example of your grace and your love on this earth so that I can help others.
Again, I'm not asking God to take away all the stuff, the craziness, the the fear, the committee that lives in my head in order for me to feel better. I'm asking God to do that so I can serve him. And I make that contract with God and I say, "I'm not in charge of me anymore.
I'm not in charge of you. My life is none of my business." And I do what I'm told. Follow direction.
First, I follow the direction of a sponsor because I need someone to tell me what to do because I'm not doing a very good job. And then as I do this work and I do a fourth and a fifth step and the fears and I look at what I truly think. You know, we talk about we say we turn our will in our lives over to the care of God if we understand them.
Our will is our thoughts and our lives are our actions. I didn't know what I thought and I didn't really know what I did because I lied all the time about it. You know, it was through doing a forep that I really looked at what does Carrie really think and what did what did I really do?
I mean, I don't know. I I mean, it's been 15 years, man. And there's sometimes I'm telling a story and I'm sitting there going, "Did I really do that or did I just make that up?" I have a spons uh who's writing her memoirs and the name of the book is some of these most of these stories are mostly true.
And I love that because that's the truth is that I told myself so many lies about who I was and who you were to make whatever it was that I was doing okay. Because here at the end of the day, no one wants to feel bad about themselves. I don't want to feel bad about myself.
I want to feel entirely justified in all the stupid I do. In order for me to do that, I have to explain it away, rationalize and justify it, and make you the bad guy or make it blah blah blah or whatever it is that I have to do in order in order for me to put my head on the pillow so that I don't feel like an ass. That doesn't mean I'm not being an ass.
I'm just saying that I have to somehow find a way to dress it up. I'm dressing up a turd is what I'm doing. Deep down inside, I know that, but I'm okay with it.
Until I write this fourth step and I realize that I have a lot of dressed up turds. I have a lot of stories and a lot of things and a lot of ways of looking at myself in this world and God that are completely absolutely erroneous and inaccurate. And what I do is I take a look at these things and these fears and I look and I realize that that that somewhere even in the most destructive relationships I've had that somewhere I've made a decision that placed me in a position to be hurt.
Now, it's funny because, you know, the ex-girlfriend, my husband's ex-girlfriend who, you know, couch basement I was sleeping in and who detoxed me, that wonderful woman, you know, when we were friends before we start my I started dating my husband because I'm that kind of girl. Um, and she used to tell me these stories about how when he was angry, he used to hit her and he was drunk, he used to hit her. And I used to think, well, yeah, you're a That's why he hit you.
He would never hit me. I'm extra specially nice. I'm a tough Irish girl.
He'd never hit me. Well, he did. And I was And then I So then for like, you know, until I wrote my inventory, I was like, "Well, you hit me.
How could you do such a thing?" And then my sponsor politely pointed out, "Well, didn't he hit his exgirlfriend?" Yeah. And so you thought you were different? Uh-huh.
And why was that? You know, did you make a decision based on self to put put you in a position of hurt? Yeah, I guess I did.
I knew he did. I knew he was violent. I knew what he did.
I ignored it because I wanted what I wanted. Thank God we both recovered and you know he doesn't drink anymore and don't hate me. But the point is is that I made even in a pos even in a relationship where I would be considered a victim.
What I really did is ignored every bit of evidence that told me this was a bad idea. Now it you know we're great. We've been married.
We've been together for 16 years. In two weeks it'll be 16 years. So let me not count my chickens.
But, you know, cuz I can go home and he could be divorcing me for all I know. But anyway, cuz he's home alone with the kids. So, so if his bags are not packed when I hit when I hit our our door on uh on Sunday night, we're good.
But the point is is that, you know, I made decisions based on self. I ignored things. I wanted what I wanted.
I rationalized and justified things. So even when I was technically a victim, I really wasn't because I volunteered for the position. Now, I'm not saying that everybody is in that position.
I'm just saying that for me, I found that in most of those cases that was true. And the reason why, and here's the thing, is I didn't volunteer because I I I I was a doormat. I volunteered because I didn't think that I was good enough.
And I didn't think I was worthy of love. And I didn't think I was worthy of respect because I felt so empty inside. And I drank to cover all this stuff.
And I drank and I drank and I drank and the more I drank, the more empty I felt, the more I drank, you know. So, yeah, of course, I'm not going to expect people to treat me right. I'm not going to expect people to treat me with kindness and love because I'm incapable of it myself and I feel completely unworthy of it.
So, I did this inventory and I found these things, which by the way, I write inventory once a year. So, I'm talking about inventory. I'm talking about a collective understanding of my experience with inventory.
So, I wrote this inventory and I had this experience with it and I did this fist and I've done fist steps in every which way you could possibly imagine. I'm one of those people that, you know, if you handed me a glass, I drank it. So, if you say, "Well, I did a fist standing on my head in the rainforest." I'd be like, "Cool, let's go." You know, and that's just my experience.
So, like I've done a fistep where uh I did a fistep twice with with somebody who was male because I had issues with men. And so it was it was suggested to me, well, why don't I learn to actually interact with trust and have a spiritual relationship with somebody who has a penis. So I tried it and it was really really nice.
And both of those people are friends with me today and I I didn't he didn't chop me up and throw me in the woods and I didn't castrate him and it worked out quite well. I'm kidding. But see the guys are getting uncomfortable.
The women are laughing. I get castration humor is not good in you know mixed company. Sorry forgot that.
Anyway, so the point is is you know if if somebody somebody gave me anything I would put it in my body. So when somebody said suggests something to me to do spiritually I'm certainly willing to do that because I have that open mind. And every time I've come up to something that I thought was going to be particularly uncomfortable and I walked through it, I had this incredible experience.
Because here's the amazing thing is that even if the exercise itself was a complete dud, my willingness to do it just reconfirmed my experience with my first step. Because ultimately when I b on a step, it's because I really don't believe that that the rules of alcoholics nominous apply to me. Is that somewhere deep down inside I think that I have a carry alcoholism that I have a special brand and therefore the process of recovery should be tailored directly specially for my special brand of ism.
I can remember there was an amends that I didn't want to make and my sponsor told me to put a bottle next to my big book and ask myself which is easier and I said well do amends of course then go do it you know because it's been my experience that by doing those things and walking through those fears and being willing to be uncomfortable I've grown immensely you know I could I can remember I and I talk about this amends because It's the most silliest amends, but probably was the most freeing experience I've ever had. And I've made amends to my parents. I've made amends to my brothers and sisters, made amends to my husband multiple times.
I've made amends to my children. I've done all kinds of stuff, written letters. I've been thrown out of five schools.
I I dropped out in like I think that I was technically in the 10th grade when I dropped out, but I was 17. Not really sure. I mean, I had this rehab I explained it to somebody today.
had this kind of rehab school circuit where I spent more time in rehab than I did in uh in school, you know. In fact, I call it carrier, which is the rehab I was in like four times. My alma mada.
Um but anyway, you know, so Oh, yeah. So, I you know, I written letters and I've apologized. I've gone back and made amends to I made amends to my school principal.
And like I said, this is the funniest story and it's so silly, but my sister is 16 years older than me and she had a home room teacher who eventually, Mr. Orsini, who eventually became the principal of my high school. And I was actually expelled from the school twice.
Um, the last time stuck. Um, so anyway, the day that I was born, she came into home room and she said, "Mr. Osini, my mom had a baby and her name is Carrie." because my my sister got to name her or me, sorry, got to name me and he remembered this.
So when I would set a fire or I would physically assault somebody in the hallway or when my bottleless schnobs fell off the balcony and smashed to the wood floor and made a mess in the gym, um I would be sent to Mr. Garcini's office and he would start every time with your sister Moren who is not an alcoholic is so beautiful and intelligent which she is by the way she's absolutely stunningly gorgeous and she is quite intelligent which only made me feel like this big and I remember the day you were born she was so happy why can't you be more like your sister in which I would then crawl under the desk and out the door into whatever inschool or suspension or whatever it is that I was doing that day. Um, and I went back and my my sponsor was a college professor and because she was an educator, she felt very keenly the slights that happen to educators when they have alcoholic students.
And so she asked me to be willing to go back to my old high school with a letter to the faculty with money to pay back anything that I had destroyed and the library books that I stole and things like that and to sit down with my principal and be willing to make an amends. And I did. And at that time I was a high school dropout and I had a GED and that was about it.
Actually, no, take that back seat. There was a lie right there. I didn't have my GED yet.
So, I was a high school dropout and no education and I was a couple years sober and I was absolutely terrified of going back to school because I was absolutely convinced that I was congenally completely incapable of learning or being academically successful. And I was so afraid of finding out that that was true. So, I was so afraid of putting that to the test.
So, I never tried because that's what you do. You read Homer on your couch. You know, I I would sit there and I would discuss, you know, you know, the differences between, you know, the Iliad and and Virgil's Iniid and the different, you know, you know, because that's what I because I'm, you know, I'd sit on my couch and do that because I can do that in my comfort of my own home where nobody actually challenges me, nor knows what the hell I'm talking about.
So, you know, I would do things like that in order to feel superior to everybody else who had an education because they didn't know what I was talking about and or some of them did. And then I found out that my interpretations were completely wrong but nonetheless. Um I got rid of those people very quickly.
Um so I was asked to go make amends to this principal and I went and you know first he told me how much I look how much I look like my sister. A yeah by that point I was like yes thank you she's pretty. And you know and we got to talking and you know I told him about having kids and you know cuz at that time I I had had two children and you know and he asked me what I was doing about my education and you know I hung my head and I was like nothing and he was like he's like your amends to me is to go to college.
He's like you have to do this. He's like you have to go back to school. And I walked out and my sponsor told me that whatever I was told to do in amends, I had to do.
Unless it was something bizarre like, you know, like give them a million dollars or a or something, then I could cross it off the list. But as long as it was not illegal or immoral that that I had to do that, you know, and so I left that office and I was terrified and I was like, I I have to go back to school. What if I fail, you know?
So I took the entrance exam to the local community college and you know I took one class and I didn't fail it. So then I took two and I didn't fail it and I graduated with a 4.0 from the community college went to the local university graduated top 5% of my class in the short list to be a validictorian because it turns out I wasn't stupid because when you're not full of fear and completely insane in your head you can retain information. It's an amazing thing.
um you know and so for me you know and oh and now I'm in graduate school you know so and here's the thing is that you know that's an amends fulfilled I c but that was the silliest stupidest amends it was just an apology to to a teacher that I tortured you know and a letter of amends to the faculty and it changed my life entirely you know and and that's what we're talking about here and do you think he cared whether I actually finished my education he didn't It was my commitment cuz when I walk out and I am willing to make that amend that means amending the relationship being willing to set it right and for me to set right the h the karm the karmms the harms that I caused to the educational institutions that I was incarcerated in uh uh was to make amends and to get an education and to participate in my community to be an informed individual, an informed citizen, to not languish in my ignorance, you know, and by the grace of God, that that happened for me. And it happened because I had to be willing to set it right. And that's what it cost.
And it's done tremendous things for me, you know, and and it like again, that sounds like a silly amends. I mean, the amends with my parents, I cried, paid back them money. I've done all those things, but it's this, you know, it's the people who love you.
You know, those are the easy amends to make. Yeah, they're going to tell you some bad things about yourself and things that you don't remember, but they're always willing to hug you at the end, pat you on your head, and take your check. It's the amends to the institutions, the amends to to, you know, the people that you really screw over, you know.
You know, it's the mens of the people who don't like you, who never will actually truly forgive you, but you have to be willing to face it anyway. That gives you that spiritual, I think of it as like um rebar. You know how rebar goes through concrete, I think, and makes it, you know, the wall really, really, really strong.
Well, every time I do something like that, every time there's something that I'm absolutely terrified to do and I face it with God and I put my hand out and I said, "I put my hand in yours, God. Let's go." And I walk through it, no matter how terrifying it is, I get another one of those little little pieces of backbone, another little thing, another little piece of rebarb in my soul, in my spirit. And I keep doing that.
And I have a a wealth of experience behind me that tells me that no matter what I have to do, no matter what I have to face, I will never truly be alone. And I'm going to wrap this up shortly because I don't want to keep you guys hostage too long. But I'll tell you something that recently happened to me.
Two things. One, I'm unemployed. The company that I uh worked for was bought by another company out of state, and I don't have a job.
I've been unemployed for three and a half three weeks now. and I'm loving it. I don't have fear of financial insecurity.
I know that God is going to take care of me. Again, I got a seance package, but still, I'm not all that worried about it because I absolutely know that if I put in the footwork that God is going to take care of me. And a couple months ago, I have a I have a great niece who's uh she's two months older than my youngest son.
And she was 16 months old in a a a she was in a car accident and she was hit in such a way. Well, she was she wasn't she was in a car, by the way, to explain this. She was in the backseat of a car and my brother was driving and she was hit in such a way that her car seat flipped and she landed on her head and ricocheted off the the door and landed on her head and she had skull fractures, internal bleeding, a lacerated spleen, a broken femur.
And we didn't know if she was going to live. And she was, you know, two months older than my youngest son. And she's in this hospital room with you know wires coming out of her head and you know and and we're watching the pressure monitor on her in her brain to see whether or not you know goes up too high because they might have to take off more pieces of her skull and all these things are going on and you know and I this happened and you know and I got home from work and it was 12:00 at night cuz I was working the 3 to 11 shift and I came home and I got this news and I crumpled on the floor and I cried and then I stood up and I said to my The first thing I said to my family was, "What can I do to be of service?
What do you need? Do you need a toothbrush? Can I bring you some coffee?" Um, you know, and then my mom said, "Oh, I don't want you driving.
Oh my god, too many car accidents." Cuz I lived in, you know, two hours away from this hospital. And, you know, I was like, "I'm going to be there first thing in the morning." You know, and I got up in the morning and I said a prayer and I cried a little bit. And then I got all this stuff together and I showed up at the hospital and I brought my family food and I stayed there and I sat with them and I answered questions because um because of my education I was able to decipher some things for my family that maybe they didn't understand until my the nurse my sister showed up and then she explained everything more properly.
But um but the fact is is that you know I got to be of service to my family and there was not a second thought about me or you know what you know how I felt about it because I wasn't important you know and I and for me that's second nature. This is how this program works. And again it's not because I'm special or because I'm a saint or Florence Nightingale.
I'm none of those things. I'm a weak, scared little girl, but God gives me strength to be of service to people. And you know, I show up at the hospital room and my niece who saw the car who who she was driving home following my brother and saw she was two minute, you know, five minutes later and saw the car totaled and no one in the car had no idea where her father and her niece was.
You know, I show up at the hospital and she's just crying hysterically and I get to be of service to her. I get to be there for her. I get the privilege of being a good aunt to my niece.
That's a privilege to be a member of my family and to be able to give to them in a way that they deserve, you know. And again, another funny story and just just on the vein and finishing up when I was Christmas shopping a couple years ago, somebody was shot in front of me in a store. And of course, this happens in Jersey a lot.
I don't know about here, but it did what but the mall that I was in was a special Shishi La Mall. And things like that don't happen in this mall cuz it, you know, rich people mall um because that's where I go because I don't want to get shot. So I don't go to Jersey City, I go to Wayne.
So, I was in this mall and this person was shot in front of me and I didn't realize that he was shot because all I heard was a pop and glass breaking and a bunch of people running out of the store. So, I figured somebody was shoplifting because it is Jersey. Um, so I walk in and somebody's going, "Is there you know there's is there a nurse here?
Is there a doctor here? Does anybody know first aid?" And I and I go running up and I go, "Are you a nurse?" I said, "No, I'm a mom." The guy goes, "Okay." So, I take off my sweater and I, you know, and I sit with this guy on the floor and he's bleeding and I, you know, I have my sweater over this gunshot wound and I'm holding his hand and we're waiting for the EMS to come. And of course, it's Christmas.
So, the guys can't, the EMS cannot get into the mall because nobody's going to move for an ambulance, man. You know, we're busy shopping. So this guy's bleeding on the floor and you know and uh and I stay with him for it took about an hour you know and I get up and I walk you know the ambulance you know they come the EMS come and I just walk away you know and I then of course I have a panic attack and I have to put my head between my knees.
So holy crap what the hell did I just do? I'm covered in blood and you know and I go home and and you know and my mom's like what h cuz my kids were with my parents and I'm covered in blood and they're just like what the hell is wrong with you? I'm like, I don't know.
Somebody was bleeding, you know, and like and again, it's I'm not a saint. It's just what this program has given me. It's taught me not to think about myself, to think about how I can be of service.
And those are extraordinary examples, and they're the little ones like picking up my husband's underwear and nod, yelling at him about it. Yeah. You know, or or picking picking up that phone call at 3:00 in the morning with Spons, who's pulling her hair out, and I so don't want to talk to her.
detoxing people. My husband and I detox people at our house because, you know, a lot of people in our area don't have insurance and there are hospitals that will not take people anymore. They will not allow you to detox.
You can't afford insurance. You have nowhere to go. What are you going to do?
And so my husband and I have a couch that people detox on. We have a sponsy of his living with us right now. You know, because I was taught that this program is about giving of myself.
I was taught that this is an unselfish program. And I truly believe in what what what it says when it says to practice these principles in all my affairs. Not when it's just convenient.
So that means that my money I don't give people money, but I might give them food, rides, my home, my couch, my time is available to the people of Alcoholics Anonymous because it was available to me when I wanted it and when I needed it. I believe in that thoroughly. I believe um you know what I do these things and I get to speak at these conferences and I get to do this thing.
I do about 10 a year. Sometimes eight, 10 a year. Some years I took two years off where I just didn't do any at all because I needed to be with my family, you know.
But I do this and I get to do this. But what I really do where I really live and where AA really is is in my life. It's the sponses who give me a call.
It's the the step work that I do, the people I bring through the steps. It's the f it's the the meetings that I chair, the coffees that I coffee that I make. That's where the recovery is.
That's what my program truly is. I get to give come here and entertain you guys for an hour. But where my true recovery lies is in my home, my occupations, and my affairs.
Ask my family whether I practice these principles. Ask my family whether I'm a recovered alcoholic. And I can tell you honestly that the people in my life, the people who I'm involved with, the people who I have relationships with today will tell you that I'm a recovered alcoholic and that I attempt to the best of my ability to practice these principles all in all my affairs.
And that's what recovery is about for me. That's what being a recovered alcoholic means to me. It means having a spiritual awakening and bringing it out into the world and being of service to my community, being of service to my family, being of service to Alcoholics Anonymous, taking taking service commitments, being involved in the service structure, being a GSR, you know, these things at DCM, these things are important and volunteering on committees, bringing bringing meetings into jails and institutions and detoxes and things like that.
These are really important things that we need to do because the fact is is that we can't hand over the keys of Alcoholics Anonymous to the professionals. We need to be involved. We did that in the 1960s.
Alcoholics Anonymous opened the doors and said, "The shrinks know better. So, we'll let everybody let the shrinks and the professional community dictate what Alcoholics Anonymous says and does." And look what happened. We have a we had a recovery rate that was 75% in the first 20 years of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And now it's at a 6 to 10% recovery rate. Some places three. Why?
Because we stopped doing the 12step work. We stopped working with newcomers. We stopped working the steps.
We started to read books about our inner child instead of actually having a spiritual experience as a result of the steps. Now, thank God recovery has begun has begun to change. And there are areas like this place, areas like Colorado, areas like Texas and Florida and California and, you know, and you know, in Ohio where they where they still have a grip on what the program of recovery is.
And thank God those people made tapes that made it to Jersey. And that's why I'm standing here. Had that not happened, I would not be here because somebody like me does not recover without a spiritual experience.
And somebody like me does not recover without God. So I do all these things and yeah, you know, I save gunshot victims and I get to be of service to my family and I detox people on my couch and I do all this in service to my higher power because he's relieved me of my difficulties because he's taken away the most annoying character defects and he's allowed me to be free of fear. So I get to hold my head up in my community.
I get to hold my head up and know that I am a woman of substance and that I have character today and that I have integrity which is something I never had and that I get to be an honest person which is something I didn't know how to do and I get to do that by living in 101 and 12 carrying this message prayer and meditation. And I don't have enough time to talk about all the things that I do or that I was taught in order to have this experience. But what I can tell you is that I just flew like 4,000 mi, 3,000 mi, something like that to a city that I don't know and with people that I don't know.
And I got to be a part of you guys and hang out and get to know you and get up here in front of a bunch of strangers and tell you how sick and insane and stupid I can be. And I get to go home tomorrow night and hug my family and hug my husband and be of service in my community. And that's because God has relieved me of my obsession of self and taken away my fear to the best to the greatest extent.
So that despite the fact that I'm absolutely terrified and I had to get down on my knees in the women's room, which is why I took so long to the person behind me and pray for God to give me the strength and courage to get up here and tell the truth. I had to do that. But I got to do that.
and then I get to do this. So, with that, I want to thank you so much for having me. I want to thank you.
I want to thank everybody, Daryl and and and and everybody who who was a part of getting me out here because I had a wonderful weekend. I want to thank, you know, you guys for having me and I thank you for being sober today and for showing me that Alcoholics Anonymous is alive and well out here. And I'm glad I'm glad to know that.
It makes me feel heartened to know that that when you have truth with a capital T and you have something that works that it it lives despite how stupid alcoholics can be. You know what I mean? Jelly Bean.
And I want to thank you all for having such a beautiful city and such a beautiful, beautiful community. Thank you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.
If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.