AA Speaker – Kevin O. – Calgary, Alberta, Canada – 2016
AA speaker Kevin O. from Calgary shares how surrender and spiritual awakening saved his life after seven relapses, five meetings a day, and homelessness. His story centers on finding God as the solution.
Kevin O. from Calgary, Alberta got sober at 22 after seven relapses, years in treatment centers, and nearly losing everything to alcoholism that started at age 12. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through why meetings alone didn’t work—and what changed everything: surrender to a power greater than himself, the Big Book, and finally doing the steps for real.
AA speaker Kevin O. describes his descent from functional alcoholic high school student to homeless relapsing alcoholic, and explains why five meetings a day didn’t save him. His recovery didn’t begin until he surrendered completely, worked the 12 Steps, connected with a Big Book study, and started sponsoring others. Kevin emphasizes that the power of God—not meetings or willpower—is the solution to alcoholism, and that service work and carrying the message to others is where real change happens.
Episode Summary
Kevin O. from Calgary opens by joking about nearly losing his mind looking for parking, then dives into what his alcoholism actually looked like: sitting alone in a basement listening to Alice in Chains with a straight blade. He starts at the beginning—age 12, a farm party, a 2-liter of rockaberry wine cooler under the stars while Metallica played. That moment he knew: this was it. This was the solution to life.
What Kevin learned later, through the lens of AA, was that he’d triggered a physical allergy—what Dr. Silkworth describes in the Big Book. Once alcohol entered his body, he had no control over how much he’d drink. The craving took over. He’d steal drinks, fight people, do anything to keep the alcohol flowing. And he suffered zero consequences at age 12, which meant only one thing: he decided to drink as much as possible, as often as possible.
By 14, he was drinking daily, raiding his parents’ liquor cabinet, mixing vodka and Amaretto, combining pills with alcohol before school. His parents were normal drinkers—they could take it or leave it—but Kevin was different. He was different from birth, he believes, but an alcoholic was definitely born the moment he took that first drink.
The brutal irony: Kevin was highly functional. He graduated near the top of his high school class, became student body president, performed in musicals, worked as a peer counselor—while getting drunk most of the time. He even counseled other students about their drinking problems while he was under the influence. Everything looked fine on the outside. Inside, every night, he was in that basement spiraling.
Then three things hit at once. He went to university, his high school relationship ended, and he turned 18—legally able to buy alcohol whenever he wanted. Things got sick fast. He moved into the dungeons (underground student housing) and started experiencing hangovers so severe he had the shakes, mild delirium tremens, hallucinations. Wine sores appeared on his skin. His body was breaking down.
A friend called: a punk rock band he played guitar for had signed a record deal. Come on tour across Canada, fully paid. Kevin quit university and went. He discovered what he calls “an alcoholic’s three favorite words: free liquor tab.” The tour got nasty. Eventually, the band kicked him out—not for drinking, but because he belligerently refused to stop drinking and driving. They begged him. They took his shoes so he wouldn’t drive. He drove in sock feet in the winter. “Fuck you, I’m driving my car tonight,” was his answer.
What followed was a blur of treatment centers, NA meetings at 17, AA meetings at 18, homelessness, psychiatric wards, relapse after relapse. Between his first AA meeting at 17 and his last drink at 22, Kevin relapsed seven times. Those five years were the hardest, most difficult, most suicidal years of his life. He went to five AA meetings a day—700 a.m., 9:30 a.m., noon, 1:30 p.m., 8:30 p.m.—riding the bus all day, unemployable, going crazy.
He’d put on his AA face at meetings: “Oh fantastic, so happy to be sober.” Then he’d go home and want to kill himself. He couldn’t understand why meetings weren’t working. The spiritual sickness was still there, eating him alive. Without a spiritual solution, the obsession would return: *just six beers tonight, no problem*. He’d promise himself he wasn’t going to drink. Then he’d drink. Four days later, everything blown, rent money gone, sitting in a treatment center again.
The turning point came during his second stay at 1835 House. His sponsor David told him something that finally landed: “Kevin, people like you and I don’t have the power to say I’m not going to drink and have that mean anything. Our defense has to come from a higher power. Our defense has to come from God.”
For the first time, Kevin heard it. He got it.
At 1835, the counselors voted to let him back, and the vote wasn’t unanimous—he was too unstable. But Kevin finally asked the right question: “What do I want to get out of recovery this time?” And he meant it. He wanted to be able to feel one emotion for longer than five minutes.
What changed his life was Cowboy Ray’s Big Book study. Kevin started studying the Big Book seriously, learning that this book contains the perfect program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The steps weren’t optional philosophy—they were action. You take the steps, you have a spiritual awakening, and then you go carry the message to other people.
But the real shift came when Kevin stopped being a “user” of AA and started giving back. Sponsorship changed everything. He got his first sponsee and realized he had a purpose. You can’t transmit something you don’t have, so he had to keep the thing alive in himself. Now he has dozens of sponsees—some doing well, some needing daily help. He’s watched miracles unfold: a sponsee reconnecting with his kids after ten years of estrangement, sitting there while the man met his children again for the first time.
He teaches a Big Book study on Monday nights. He helped start the Primary Purpose Group—a hard-loving, Big Book-thumping fundamental meeting. The fourth dimension of existence he now lives in is nothing like the basement with Alice in Chains. It’s a life of service, connection, spiritual experience, and the daily practice of surrender.
Kevin closes with a recent moment: he needed his head shaved, went to a small barber shop he’d never tried, and sat down with a Muslim barber named Muhammad Ali. They talked about God, surrender, Islam (which means surrender), and what the power of God has done in their lives. The barber invited him to pray at his mosque. This is his life now—unexpected spiritual connections, conversations about God in a barber shop, doors opening because he’s connected and present instead of trapped in his own mind.
His message is clear: meetings don’t make sobriety. The power of God does. Surrender does. Working the steps does. Carrying the message does. And if you’re here and you don’t understand surrender, go home, get on your knees, and pray for it. The paradox is that if you haven’t surrendered yet, you’ll think that’s crazy—which probably means you haven’t surrendered yet. But the solution is real, it works 100% of the time for anyone willing to do it without reservation.
Notable Quotes
All the things that I do in AA—going to meetings, working the 12 Steps, reading the Big Book, working with newcomers—they’re all important, but the end result of all of those things is the solution. What gets me sober is the power of God.
When I took my first drink, an alcoholic was born. I did not drink like a normal 12-year-old.
People like you and I don’t have the power to say I’m not going to drink and have that mean anything. Our defense has to come from a higher power. Our defense has to come from God.
The insanity of alcoholism is not the crazy stuff that I do when I drink. The insanity is that after all of that, even though I had sworn off and said I’m never going to drink again, at some point without spiritual help I’m going to have a thought that says there’s a solution in that bottle.
Change comes when I stop being a user of people, places, and things, including Alcoholics Anonymous. Change comes the second I start giving back to AA.
You don’t have to fake it. You can come here and just be as messed up as you need to be, because there is absolutely a way out. It works 100% of the time to anyone who’s willing to do it.
Step 3 – Surrender
Spiritual Awakening
Hitting Bottom
Big Book Study
Sponsorship
Relapse & Coming Back
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Step 3 – Surrender
- Spiritual Awakening
- Hitting Bottom
- Big Book Study
- Sponsorship
- Relapse & Coming Back
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
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welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe whether you join us in the morning or at night there's nothing better than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today's speaker hey everybody my name is Kevin I'm an alic I'm glad to be here as you can see uh I rushed in at the last minute I apologize for that I just I couldn't find parking anywhere I was praying fervently driving around in circles downtown like God please stop me from going crazy cuz I'm kill someone right now and I knew like you know it might be okay I'll get to the meeting and maybe they'll have picked another cuz I was there late and that would have been awful I would not have been no I'm just kidding it would have been fine uh I want to thank uh anyone who specifically uh came here to hear me tonight uh you know Brad uh came in uh from out of town and and um yeah it's an honor I was uh so I'm recording this uh for uh a friend of mine uh Clint who's up north and uh we were texting back and forth he's working up north right now and uh we were we were talking we were texting back and forth and he said I really wanted to hear you I really think I could identify with your story you know that sitting alone in my apartment listening to Allison Chains with a straight blade kind of I'm like that's thank you that's my story it's thank you thank you very much uh and uh it was just funny he just he just kind of nailed it that's kind of what my my alcoholism looked like that's kind of where it was and it certainly my life is certainly um not like that anymore although I do still really like Allison chaines I still think they're you know they're a very talented band Allison chaines is not responsible for my alcoholism okay um but what I told Clint and I hope will transpire tonight is that uh I will spend 10 minutes talking about the problem and I will spend about 50 minutes talking about the power of God okay and uh talking about obviously the solution in the 12 steps and the program of action and all those things one of the things that I I learned I have learned and that I needed to learn is that all the things that I do in AA going to meetings yes the 12 Steps yes reading the big book yes working with newcomers yes they're all important but the end result of all of those things is the solution see going to meetings doesn't get me sober working the 12 Steps doesn't get me sober necessarily you'll see I know you're probably thinking like what's he talking about right the 12 Steps don't get me sober the 12 Steps get me connected to the thing that gets me sober what gets me sober is the power of God that's what alcoholic synonymous is that's what we have to offer okay and I'm not afraid to use that word God I am not a religious Man by any means but I will point out that it mentions the word god several times in our 12 steps that is the foundation of our Pro of our program starts right in step three God as we understand him several places in the steps it talks about the power of God so today I I don't I don't pull any punches on that you know I don't I don't uh I'm Not Afraid or ashamed to talk about God and if if you are and uh I'm talking about God and every time I use that word god you get a little like you know the book says bristle with antagonism and I understood that when I was new I understood that I didn't come here with the power of God trust me I didn't come here wanting anything other than to be led out of that apartment listening to Allison Chains with a straight blade it wasn't actually an apartment it was actually a basement Suite A Series of basement Suites I got kicked out of many basement Suites right um so uh ultimately all the things that I do in AA 12 steps getting uh involved in service work all of those things are all in Aid of me having this spiritual awakening uh in Aid of me getting connected to this God this power greater than myself that in we believe in Alcoholics Anonymous is the solution to alcoholism I think our book is pretty clear about that now there's a lot of great like other great things that I can do in my life and other other wonderful uh treatments and therapies and stuff like that that are fine they're great but what I needed to to do is to understand that these things were great in addition to a solid foundation in Alcoholics Anonymous not instead of right and that's what uh that's what ultimately ultimately worked for me and that's what ultimately changed my life uh so I will say um that I was uh born in Calgary I'm an only child uh I've got uh two fantastic parents to Fantastic parents to this day my parents suffer from none of the uh symptoms of alcoholism whatsoever my parents are heavy drinkers by the definition of the word or not heavy drinkers but moderate drinkers okay they're social drinkers by the definition of the word social Drinker my parents are that undoubtedly they can take it or they can leave it alone they have no problem with alcohol whatsoever my parents will have a cocktail before dinner maybe a glass of wine with dinner and that's it and these this is where I came from this is my blood and I do not identify with that type of drinking whatsoever um I was up with my dad a while ago and we were at we were at uh a hotel or or whatever and he he had a bottle of Rye that he had bought in his hotel room and he was mixing like a Ry and Coke and the way my dad does that is he gets a glass and puts ice in it he has a shock glass and he pours one ounce and that 1 o goes into the glass and he fills the rest with Diet Coke and he'll sit and drink that drink and uh okay that's cool and then we went out to a restaurant we went out to the restaurant server comes over and orders drinks and my dad says uh yeah I'll get a uh just a Diet Coke please and I noticed that right I noticed that and I said Dad uh wait you're not going to have a Ryan Coke here he said no I don't really like the way Ryan Coke tastes in restaurants you know they use cheap rye and and the diet coke doesn't taste the same I might have another one when I go back to my room but but uh no I'm good with just I Coke for right now I thought dad am I am I adopted cuz that that is so far from my realm of understanding of what drinking looks like but that's who I come from that's who I come from they were great people there's uh certainly um nothing you know I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home or or anything like that uh and I don't know if I was born an alcoholic but I will tell you that when I took my first drink an alcoholic was born when I was 12 years old I had an opportunity to get drunk for my first time and I knew immediately I did not drink like a normal 12-year-old I stole that joke I stole that joke from another speaker it's a great one uh yeah man I uh it was it was great the first time I ever got drunk was with my best friend Adam and his older brothers uh and all his older brothers friends remember how it was when you were a kid and you got to hang out with the older kids you were hanging out and partying with the older kids and uh man they were like they were they were 16 they had like driver's licenses and some of them were even older and could like get alcohol so I'm 12 years old and we're going out to this Farm party okay and it was I'll I'll never ever forget this you know I had somebody handed me a 2 L of rockaberry wine cooler okay remember any anybody remember those remember rockaberry wine coolers and uh that was it I could drink as much of that as I wanted and and uh I certainly had no problem with that and uh I drank that and it was we were driving out to this Farm party and we were in I was in the back of a pickup truck but I was like laying down in the flat bed of a pickup truck on a beautiful summer night looking up at the stars anybody here ever done that before that's magical isn't it you're 12 years old lit up on this rock rockberry wine cooler for the first time it was magical and to date myself a little bit at that time there was music coming out of the cab that I'd never heard before I'd never heard music like that and a band named Metallica had just released a song called Enter Sandman right and it's blasting out of the cab man we were off to never Neverland you know and uh we got to that party and I immediately I started doing a bunch of things that were going to follow me throughout the my drinking career I started stealing drinks from people I started trying to fight people I started trying to hit on girls I started trying to I spill the drinks all over myself um I you know I was just crazy and I couldn't get enough I couldn't get enough as soon as I had that rock that wine cooler was done I think I threw it over the side of the pickup truck before we even got to the party and I just started doing everything I could to get as much alcohol in me I didn't understand it at the time I didn't know this I wouldn't know this for years until I got to alcoholics Anonymous now I understand I triggered physical allergy that's what Dr silkworth talks about okay in the chapter the doctor's opinion I suffer from a physical allergy manifest itself in the phenomenon of craving for more alcohol once I put alcohol into my body I have no control over the amount that I'm going to take okay I have an addictive craving for alcohol the more alcohol I put in my body the more alcohol I want right it never it's never satiated which explains to me why when I was at a bar you know drinking later in my life at 2:00 when they put the ugly lights on and it was last call and they're sending everybody home everybody's like where are we going and I'm trying to figure out how can I get more alcohol because everyone else has had their six or seven drinks and they're good I've had 16 drinks and that allergy is eating me alive at that moment and I will do anything for more alcohol which is why you know raise your hand if you ever bought off sales after the bar closed yeah only alcoholics have a need for off sales after the bar closes right I would do anything I I was that guy at 5 a.m. walking around the party while everybody else has passed out trying to get people to stay up and drink with me walking around drinking people's bottom beers right and tipping one back and what would happen eventually cigarettes these are you are these are my people I'm in the right room if you've never tipped a beer bottle back and gotten a cigarette in the mouth I don't know what to tell you that's good living right there anyway so uh you know so I was at that party and uh 12 years old and whatever and I woke up the next morning and I I want you guys to know I suffered no consequences from that whatsoever zero consequences and and I had found what I felt at that time was my solution to life okay now the other thing that we talk about in NAA is the spiritual sickness the spiritual malady now I didn't know at 12 years old that I was s laughing from a spiritual mality it's not like I was walking around on the playground one day and they said Kevin how are you feeling I said well I'm I'm feeling a little spiritually sick today I didn't know that's what it was but I knew that whatever it was you know it's like I didn't even know how bad I was feeling until I knew how good I could feel my buddy Danny talks about the first time I drank I experienced feelings that I did not know were available to me I felt a joy and a peace and a freedom and all the stuff that it talks about we aspired to an AA but I had just found it through Rocka berry wine cooler and bunch of stolen beers and some voden and some paralyzer and you know and I made a decision right then and there that I was going to drink as much as as I possibly could as often as I could why wouldn't I because I suffered zero consequences from that there was no downside it was all plus okay I was like my life now is just better with alcohol in it I will be a better human being I will be more effective and all that stuff drinking um and I made a decision at 12 years old that I was going to start drinking as much as possible and I was uh I told you my parents are normal drinkers but they had you know an extensive liquor cabinet and I was able to uh for years I mean that's that's how it was I told you guys I was an only child so I had no siblings to worry about I could uh totally Dodge and lie to my parents and all that and I could steal as much alcohol as I wanted I had older friends that would bootleg for me and by the time I was 14 years old I was I was drinking daily uh I had a routine every morning I would uh I'd go to the liquor cabinet I'd steal as much alcohol as I could I would drink vodka and amoretto and droy and you know and then trying to manage the levels of all the bottles so that it wouldn't be too noticeable right and I'm drinking Glen fiic scotch and and all that all that stuff and then around that same time I discovered drugs I discovered uh all different types of drugs and and uh one of the things I would do is go to my parents medicine cabinet then and uh find whatever pill said do not take with alcohol may cause drowsiness and I would take 10 of them and wash it down with vodka and go to school that's by the time I was 14 that's what my life looked like and uh by the time I was 16 I was using uh drugs much more extensively um I want you to know I know that we have a single Miss of purpose here but I want you to know definitively that I used drugs alcoholically uh so I'll talk about it here that's a joke guys come on um uh and uh that was it um and I at that time I was fully functional I was fully functional I was able to I was really functional I was highly functional I I was uh I had you know uh when I graduated high school I was uh had uh I was like second or third runner up to being valid dictorian of my high school class I was a student president of my high school class I was in the school play uh we did Greece that year and I was Danny Zuko for anybody who knows Greece if you can believe that I had a lot more hair then uh what oh I was a peer supporter so I was like a peer counselor right which was funny uh because uh people would come to me often times and sit in like a little peer counseling room we talk to them all about their drinking and their drug problems and might get them connected to adak and and all that and I was drunk most of the time I was you you know under the influence of people that I was counseling and doing all that stuff I had a job at zers at the time uh you know in the warehouse or whatever and uh and I had a relationship I had a girlfriend and all that stuff on the outside everything looked good I was able to maintain my life and a lot of us get here you know with some experience of what that looks like I was able to maintain things on the Outside Inside every day every night of my life I was down in the basement listening to Allison Chains with a straight plade okay uh that's what that's what it was down in uh at that time it was my parents' basement for most of us what happens is we cross over a line from functional alcoholism into complete chaos and for me that happened three things happened kind of simultaneously that that really uh took uh took a toll on me and and I I um I was not in control anymore and what happened to me is I graduated high school um and I went away to University for the first time so for the first time I was no longer under the guidance or restriction of my parents uh the second thing is that that relationship that I had been in ended and I had a broken heart aw everybody right no and uh uh the the third thing is that I turned 18 so all of that stuff that I just talked about happened before I was even legally old enough to drink when I turned 18 and the it was like a complete revolutionary thought in my mind that I was now able to go into any bar or any liquor store whenever I wanted and buy as much alcohol and booze as I could possibly get whenever I wanted I want you to know my life changed okay and not for the better and uh it was a uh things got very sick very quickly I was living in L bridge at the time I was living in uh residents uh which are underground are affectionately known as The Dungeons uh at the University of Lethbridge and it was it was I remember being as physically sick as I've ever been in my life sitting in those uh residences I started to experience uh hangovers that were so bad and uh I started to go through all the things that that alcoholics go through uh not usually at age 18 uh but I started to get um I started to get the shakes in the morning I started to go through uh mild forms of delirium tremens I started to hallucinate when I was drunk and I started to hallucinate when I was coming down uh I remember a couple of very very very very nightmare episodes of of that kind of thing uh and I started to um I had moved out of I anyway I started to get wine sores I don't know if you know what wine sores are but you start to get like scabs and and uh cuz the wine the alcohol is trying to come out and it can't come out it can't be processed any of the way so it starts to come out your skin and that's uh that's started happen to me like early on means my body was shutting down anyway so um uh I got a call from a friend in Medicine Hat now I've been a guitar player for a long time and i' known these guys and I was a musician and they had just uh signed a record deal and uh their Bas player just quit and the call I got on the phone I'm sitting in the dungeons University of Lethbridge and I don't know how I'm going to get through this sem and my parents are still like paying for the semester okay like my parents have no idea any of this is going on and so he calls and says would you like to uh quit uh University and come join our punk rock band and go on tour across Canada with us uh fully paid for by the record company and I said uh yeah sure yeah that would be okay so that's what I did it was no big deal Uh I that that level of uh uh music I I equate it to uh you know if NHL is like real stardom I was playing like double A okay double a music you know what I mean and uh and that was it we went on tour for a long time and and I discovered an alcoholic's three favorite words free liquor tab ban drinks for free man and uh it got real nasty uh and real sick and real up I mean that's all I can really remember I I don't want to belabor it I think I'm talking too long about my uh what happened anyway um all I'll say is I got got kicked out of that band and I didn't get kicked out of that band for drinking and I didn't get kicked out of that band for not being a talented musician I didn't get kicked out of that band because they didn't like me I got kicked out of that band because I belligerently refused over and over and over to stop drinking and driving I belligerant refused they said Kevin we really we need you to either get sober or not drive we don't care what you do just stop driving because you're in kind of the public Spotlight and you're going to you're run over a kid or you're going to get in a car accident and you're going to be drunk and we don't want that kind of exposure in our band and I would say yeah guys no no never again never again some I don't know what's wrong with me I think I suffer from another form of the allergy that the more I drink the more I want to drive you know I'm just a I am just a selfish self-centered uh dick and it got really like deg grassy Junior High style like people would try to have these big interventions about me drinking and dring driving and try to take my keys or there'd be times where people would take my shoes away so that I wouldn't drink and drive and I can remember many times driving home in the winter in sock feed cuz you I'm driving my car tonight and the more I drank and So eventually that band just said you're done and uh we're we're parting ways and uh I don't know a lot of it truthfully a lot of it is a blur I tried to go to you uh University and college and do some of that you know the truth is I really uh I really started I went to my first AA meeting when I was no no no I went to my first NA meeting when I was 17 and uh around that time uh I I around the time that I got kicked out of that band and and left University or couldn't I got kicked out of college or whatever I don't even really remember what happened uh I just know that I went to my first AA meeting when I was 18 in Medicine Hat and then uh uh I was not welcome at my parents house anymore and I was going to try to get into this treatment center and so I went to Regina around that time I I I knew that I I like I knew I had a problem like I it was it was evident and I knew I was getting sick and I knew I was going to probably die either by Suicide or uh car accident or something was going to happen and I knew it was bad and I knew that I was hurting everyone in my life and I knew all that and so I started to go to treatment centers um I did that for a long time uh it doesn't mean I started to accept this solution whatsoever it doesn't mean I started to accept Alcoholics Anonymous or the power of God at all it just means that I went to a lot of treatment centers okay and and that's what it was I would go to treatment center for a little while it's long enough to get the heat off you know I love the line I say it all the time you got just healthy enough to have a good long relapse you know that's what I would go to treatment centers for some exercise and you know I'd got you know uh some good food and and uh you know there's a lot of treatment centers around that are not AA based and we get to do all kinds of like volleyball therapy and uh video game therapy and and all I remember this one uh Treatment Center I went to that they had a feelings board and every morning we'd have to get up and go in front of the group and there' be a big feelings board with like all the different feelings that you could have and you'd have your little thing and You' go up and put put the feeling on and then and then what was even cooler is you got to hold everybody hostage for a while why you explained to them why you were feeling that way right you know what a bunch of and that I thought that that was you know I don't know man what I want to talk about really now is uh um that's what started to happen and I started to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and I was in Alcoholics Anonymous and I was around Alcoholics Anonymous and I had no idea what Alcoholic Anonymous was none and I do not think man I I I don't know sometimes I wonder like was it just that I couldn't hear it because I was not ready or is it that we don't actually do a very good job in Alcoholics Anonymous of explaining to newcomers what Alcoholic Anonymous really is really and we let people kind of figure it out for themselves kind of or die cuz I want you guys to know man I like there was a period in my life when I was like 21 22 years old so like I say I went to my first meeting when I was 17 I had my last drink when I was 22 and between that time and that five years I relapsed seven times and that was probably the hardest most difficult lowest probably highest risk of suicide time in my life uh do you guys know that more alcoholics commit suicide sober than they do when they're drunk because an alcoholic of my type you take alcohol away alcohol is not my problem alcoholism is my problem right you take alcohol away from me alcohol is my solution to my living problem the problem is when I'm sober I can't stand the way that I feel I can't stand it because of that spiritual sickness and the spiritual sickness gets so bad that I got to pick up a drink and I pick up that drink and it kicks in that physical allergy and the physical allergy takes off and the drinking becomes so bad and my life gets so up that I got to get sober again and I get sober and I swear off that's it I'm done I'm never going to drink like that again I promised this time I mean it I went to treatment and I did the volleyball therapy and everything's going to be fine and without any type of spiritual solution eventually 9 days later 19 days later N9 months later the spiritual sickness gets so bad and so painful and so up and I'm so crazy and angry and frustrated and restless and irritable and discontent and all the stuff that it talks about Terror bewilderment frustration and despair The Four Horsemen of alcoholism that it talks about in the chapter vision for you it gets so bad that I got to drink again I have to drink in order to preserve my sanity and this cycle is repeated over and over and unless the alcoholic has a complete psychic change there's very little chance of of his recovery and that's really it so I want you guys to know I was around AA man I wanted it I really did but I sometimes wonder if we don't do a very good job of really grabbing newcomers and sitting them down and explaining to them exactly what Alcoholic Anonymous is because it isn't 90 meetings 90 days or will restore your misery that is not alcoholic synonymous and I will I say that without reservation alcoholic synonymous is those 12 steps up there 12 spiritual actions that I can take towards creating what it talks about in Step 12 having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps I take the 12 steps I have that Spiritual Awakening the next thing I do I got to go take it to other people I got to go carry that message to other people right right and these are the things that we do that create this relationship with God today that we have there was a time in my life when I was in Alcoholic Anonymous where I was going to 5 AA meetings a day right I was going to the 700 a.m. at Parkdale I don't know if that's still there I would go to the uh then there was a 9:30 at Parkdale I don't know if that's still there then I would go to the ner at Glenmore I'm pretty sure that's still there I would go to the 1:30 at garnet and I'm pretty sure that's still there I would go home and sleep for a couple hours I would get up and I would go to the 8:30 at Glenmore and I'm pretty sure that's still there and I would go home and I would stay awake all night insane crazy Restless irritable and discontent in ways that I can't explain uh that people probably only people in this room understand understand living through depression and anxiety and fear and anger all night long until I could just barely get on a bus I'm doing that on the bus by the way all those five meetings all day long on the bus that's what I was doing I was not employed was unemployable going to these five meetings a day thinking this is AA and I would go into AA meetings and I'd put on my AA face people would say how you doing Kev oh fantastic so happy to be sober I can barely stand it and I would leave that meeting and I would go home and I would take off my AA face and what would happen I'd want to kill myself again thinking this is sobriety this is is this recovery is this what the old-timers mean when they talk about it keeps getting better cuz this is not getting better and uh I guess what happened is uh you know ultimately I I surrendered again after another relapse where I I had ended up uh uh homeless and I uh I called a treatment center again a place called 1835 house uh and I had already been there so I called there a second time uh to see if I could get back in the 1835 house and I went in and uh I remember um I remember calling my sponsor a guy named David and I said David uh you know I just I drank again and uh I can't uh figure out I don't know I don't know why like I uh you know I I told myself I went out with I was going out with these guys and I told myself I knew that they were drinking but I told myself I wasn't going to drink that night I am not going to drink tonight okay that's it I've been around a I got like four months sober right now I I had a job I'm doing okay I'm going out with these guys I'm not going to drink I'm not going to drink tonight and I went out and I drank and I was gone for 4 days and spent all my rent money blew everything you know it happened again and this is like I've been around AA multiple times going to those five meetings a day I've been in and out to multiple treatment centers I'd lived in Psych ws and hospitals you know i' I've been like it like it was uh and yeah I drank again and that's what you know we talk about the insanity of alcoholism okay the insanity of alcoholism is not the crazy up that I do when I drink the insanity of alcohol alcoholism is that after all of that even though I had sworn off and said I'm never going to drink again the insanity of alcoholism or what we call the mental obsession is that at some point without spiritual help I am going to have a thought at some moment suddenly that's what the book says suddenly the thought will come my real problem is an alcoholic is not alcohol my real problem is that spiritual sickness that that fuels this thought that there is I that I don't have to feel this sick that there is a solution in that bottle and I'm just going to take a little bit of it I'm going to feel okay and it's going to be fine and that's what I did again after all those times in AA after all those promises I had made after all those treatment centers I said I'm not going to drink tonight I'm not going to drink and I went out and I drank 4 days later destroyed everything on the phone sobbing with my sponsor again saying David I said I wasn't going to drink and I drank and I don't understand what's going on I don't know why and he said after I remember David David I'm I just uh David and I are so close I just did another like a my own fifth step I just did another one I did it with David are you know who I'm talking about DAV yeah David M and uh I said I don't understand and he said Kevin after all this time you just don't get it you just don't get it people like you and I don't have the power to say I'm not going to drink and have that mean anything our defense has to come from a higher power our defense has to come from God Kevin you and I don't have the power to say I'm not going to drink and have that mean anything and I think for the first time I I heard that I got it I understood I just remember that being like one piece one very important piece of information that I needed to get so I go to 1835 house and I was insane again insane if they would have if they would have uh held a vote about who was going to relapse as soon as they hit the street out of 1835 they would have raised their hands unanimously that Kevin was was going to relapse like I was out of my mind crazy I had the social rces of an adult I had the the uh skills of an adult I looked like an adult at the intermittent beck and call of a four-year-old's emotions that's what I you know I guess a 12-year-old we say once you start drinking is when you uh you uh you know stop growing emotionally I was just an absolute child I would take two steps and laugh and I would take two steps and cry just insane they said Kev what do you want to get out of your recovery this time now I'd already been there right I lived there at another time for 6 months 6 months I lived there I was loaded two weeks later okay and it's not that I hadn't been around the deal I just had never actually taken all 12 of those steps it's a funny thing it's the only thing I never really tried in AA I'd done every other thing there was to do in AA except do the 12 steps and have a spiritual experience of God I've never done that I've never tried it so anyway I'm in the house I'm in 1835 and said what do you want to get out of your recovery I said I want to be able to feel the same emotion for longer than 5 minutes right that's it because I was like I was an absolute emotional roller coaster by the way I remember this when I moved back into the house the counselor said uh Kevin we want you to know the counselors got together and we voted to let you back into 18 1935 I said okay and they said we want you to know the vote among the counselors was not unanimous cuz I was I was crazy I was a a crazy and and I guess they just looked at like you know how willing is this guy how willing is this guy going to be my problem was uh is that I was smart that's a problem that is a a grave detriment to you if you are here and you are new and you are smart you're going to have a tough time I'm sorry for you uh cuz I suffered from intelligence for a long time in AA a long time people used to say to me Kevin you know you need you you need to get stupid and I think why don't you get stupid you you uh and I understand now when people say you know no one was ever too dumb to understand the program of Alcoholic Anonymous but there's a lot of people who want to think their way right through it there's a lot of people are too smart to ever get sober and that's exactly right and they're exactly right I tried to think my way I tried to intellectualize my way through AA I felt like if I just studied that the stuff enough and really like read through the books and learned what to say and learned how to present properly in AA that when the final exam came I would Ace the exam well there's no exam there's there's there's a past fail question at some point when suddenly you get a thought that says hey tonight let's just go out and have six beer no problem that's a past fail exam and I continued to fail that exam over and over and over so what really happened ultimately is that I I started to get connected to Alcoholics Anonymous a little bit more um and guys like David were were instrumental but what really ultimately fundamentally changed my life forever uh was a big book study with a guy named Cowboy Ray see Cowboy Ray does anybody here remember Cowboy Ray anybody here know Cowboy Ray nobody knows Cowboy Ray yeah that's really sad I can't believe that you used to ask that question every hand in the room would go up isn't that crazy Cowboy Ray was a guy who started doing big book studies in the City of Calgary before anybody knew what a big book study was because Cowboy Ray had met a couple other fellas who changed my life couple guys named Joan shark anybody here know who Joe and Charlie are okay well there's a few more hands that's crazy those guys fundamentally changed my life because they T they taught me this book they taught me that this book is alcoholic annonymous the the the program contained within this book is perfection this is the per perfect program of Alcoholic Anonymous and what I can do as an a member of AA is Aspire towards the program dictated in this book this book is a a guide to help take me through those 12 steps I go through those 12 steps I have a spiritual experience of God and then immediately I got to go start working with newcomers I got to find someone to be of service of service to so that's what happened is I started to attend this Cowboy Ray big book study and I did multiple uh studies with cowboy Ray and I started studying the book alcoholic annonymous extensively and then one of the most powerful ful things that ever happened to me in my recovery you want to know what changed my recovery more than anything else you know what was the part that I was completely missing for years that whole time that I was going around AA five meetings a day what was I doing I was taking you know what changed my life in Alcoholic Anonymous was the second that I had an opportunity to start giving back to AA see that's where change comes from change comes when I stop being a user of people places and things including alcoholic synonymous every time I came to AA I came here to take something from you to get something from you and when I could change and start to see hey you know I've been around a little bit now I've had this experience now get to work because I have a debt to pay to alcoholic synonymous I owe it it's not optional I owe it to Alcoholic Anonymous every day every day the life that I have everything that I have was given to me by the power of God nothing else everything and I owe it back see the book says that we have a new employer being all powerful he will provide what we need if I stay close to him and perform his work well what's his work for me to do get busy in AA period And I remember the first time I got a sponsy i' been probably you know maybe two three years sober sponsorship changed my life sponsorship ship absolutely changed my life and it gave me a purpose Bill knows what I'm talking about same thing I've seen it happening to you when you get switched on with a spony like that you start to get a purpose for living but you can't transformate something you don't have so I needed to get this thing and I need to continue to have this thing if I don't have this thing how can I continue to try and teach it and give it away to other people and it is incredible what happens it is incredible what's happened in my life what I have seen happen to people what I seen happen to people right now in this room that I'm looking at I've watched them come in I've seen their sickness and I have seen their sadness okay and I have seen what is capable with them not from going to 90 meetings 90 days or will restore your misery I want you to know that meeting makers do not make it okay you know that saying fake it to you make it please if you are here and you are Faking It are lying to us about how you're doing an AA please come and talk to us because I want you to know that you don't have to fake it you don't have to lie about how you're doing you can come here and just be as up as you need to be because I have a way out for you it's not my way out it's a way out that I've taken and it's a way that we can show you we can teach you there is absolutely definitively a way out there is absolutely a solution to the problem of alcoholism they discovered it in 1934 they wrote a book about it in 1939 9 it works 100% of the time to anyone who's willing to do it I know they say that percentages in Alcoholics Anonymous are down like oh only 4 or five% of people who go to AA really that is do not believe that I want you to know and I believe that the power of God works 100% of the time absolutely without fail if I'm willing to truly surrender I'm really TR willing to come into AA and do anything without reservation and it it's not all easy man you know what was a good reminder for me I just did like I said I just did my own fourth step and fifth step again and you know I've done multiple ones but I just did it again you know what was a good reminder for me it's hard it's hard to find the willingness and to find the discipline I and it was a good reminder for me at a compassion level I was just talking about this last night at a compassion level to remind myself when I get short with my spones about them not doing or whatever that it's not easy there's a line in the 12 and 12 that I love Rebellion dogs are Step Dogs are every step right uh because it's it's not easy to do this stuff but if I'm willing really truly just to surrender just to completely give up and do this work you know and the thing about surrender I'll tell you guys a story because this blows me away and this is what my life is like today this is the fourth dimension of existence that I live in today and that's I know that sounds like some Scientology that four four dimension stuff but I'm just quoting the big book cuz that's what that's what bill called it rocketed into the fourth dimension and I won't say that I live there all the time but I'll tell you like I spend a good amount of time there it's and it's it's a good place to be so today um I uh I was uh needed to get uh a hair well I won't say a cut uh but I needed to get my head I wanted to get my head uh shaved and uh there's a little Barber spot in my uh building and I'd never been there I'd always walked past it never really went in there I always go to like you know upscale stylus right I'm like I don't really need a stylist for I don't need Vidal Sassoon to figure this out okay so I'm going to go just to this little barber shop I go to this barber shop and I sit down with a guy and we start talking and uh he said you know I said how's business he said it's very good thank God and I knew right away that was code that was code he said that and I said uh God you believe and we started to talk well he's Islamic we started to talk all about all of it just him and I alone in his Barber Shop talking about the power of God talking about surrender because I've talked anybody who comes to my big book study knows I talk about this all the time we need to learn to surrender in AA the word Islam translated into English is translated as the word surrender they named their whole religion surrender okay and that's what this guy he he tells me this like he's teaching me this I'm like no no no I already know that that's really cool man and he told me all this stuff about Muslim and Muhammad in the Quran and we're talking about God and we're talking about what God has done in his life and what God has done in my life I just went need to get my head shaved okay and when I'm not connected and he would have said something like that and I never would have heard it and I would have been sitting there thinking about myself talking about myself or just like I don't want to talk to you or whatever instead I had this beautiful spiritual experience he invited me now uh to come to his church on Friday which they go to Central United Church like right downtown I didn't know that like 1:15 every Friday to go if I want to go pray with him and I might I don't know why not why not go check it out my point is that what I needed to learn to do was surrender completely okay that's the word Na and it's not about surrendering to booze and drugs that's what I thought the problem was for a long time right I heard the speaker oh you know what the funny thing is about this guy his name was Muhammad Ali I asked him what his name was now that what's funny about that is that there's analogy that was given to me by a CA speaker one time he said for me to think I'm going to get in the ring and fight booze and drugs is like me thinking I'm going to get in the ring and beat Muhammad Ali in his prime no matter what I learn no matter what I think I'm going to do Boo and drugs are going to kick my ass every time surrender is about getting out of the ring get out of the ring and go a different way so me sitting there in this barber shop I mean this happened at like 7 p.m.
I'm talking about okay tonight sitting there with Muhammad Ali talking about surrender in the program of Islam and the program of AA this is my life now and I want you to know it's a beautiful uh it's a beautiful thing by way of you know what it's like today um I want you to know that I've never been more loved or more surrounded by friends ever in my life uh I feel more useful and more purposeful in the things that I do I teach a big book study on Monday nights that is the love of my life uh the uh we started a group a while ago years ago called Primary Purpose Group that we are uh sponsoring this uh this month uh and we're grateful for that we are uh big heart Ed tough loving big book thumping fundamental power of God is the solution alcoholic synonymous meeting and uh that's what we wanted to start there was a series of events that that came together and four of us came together and the first time we ever met as a group there was four of us and three guys from the Center of Hope uh who were living in the Center of Hope and we had a little meeting right in the basement of the church that we're in now and anyone who's been to PPG knows that that we've grown substantially from there um I have dozens of spones do people ask me how many sponses do you have I I don't know I don't know CU I have a lot like Brad who who introduced me that are they're just doing well they still call me they're sponsoring they still checking with me once in a while and let me know how they're doing and all that stuff but they are they're doing well and then I have other guys who are like daily daily daily need daily help and they are like they need a lot of help a lot of high maintenance and I have seen Miracles occur with my spones I remember uh one of my spones was connected after being EST strange from his children for 10 years he was able to sit down with the social worker and they brought his kids in and he was able to visit with his children for the first time and he could have anyone in the world he wanted to be there with him while he met his kids again for the first time after 10 years and he wanted me there and I got to sit there while he met his kids again that's a miracle to be a part of that I've had other sponses die it doesn't mean that the power of God is not alive and well it doesn't mean that the power of God isn't here it just means that some of us are not ready to surrender and if you're here tonight and you don't know what I mean when I'm talking about this surrender thing I challenge you to go home tonight get down on your knees and pray to God to help him show you how to surrender that's one of the things that I was taught if I don't have faith in God I can get down on my knees and pray for faith if I don't know what this surrender is about I can go home and say God please help me to surrender help me to completely surrender to you and your power please help me to surrender to this program to this work on a daily basis Paradox is if you haven't already surrendered you're going to hear that and you're going to think that guy's I'm never going to try that right that's the Paradox if you're not ready to try praying for surrender you probably haven't surrendered so anyway it's 8:57 uh I'm I get I'm all done thank you very much for uh allowing me to share I love you all thank you thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today's episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day