welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe we hope to always remain an adree podcast so if you’d like to help us remain self-supporting please visit our website at sober-remix than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker and it’s nap time yeah I was thinking well maybe you know if i’ brought some sex inventory I might have been able to you know wake us up but or not but uh no I was just thinking about what we what to do next and Page 100 which is going a little bit forward to chapter 7 which is all about the 12th step uh and we’ll go back to chapter six which is you know 5 through 11 but but on page 100 probably my very favorite promise and passage in the book uh tells me that both me and the new woman or you know man and man have to walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress and for me this means that you know there’s nobody really above or below there are many who have walked ahead of me and thank God they have because they can show me the way and there are many who have yet to walk this path but let’s hope it’s clear for them when they get here but the important thing is is that both of us all of us have to walk day by day it’s one day at a time and the promise there if we do walk day by day the path of spiritual progress is that remarkable things will happen and uh ironically when we look back we never see it apparently when it’s happening but but when we look back we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands we’re better than anything we could have planned that’s been my experience you know I’ve looked over my shoulder and I’ve seen uh truly the glory of God’s world and here’s here’s the one that just grabs my heart follow the dictates of a higher power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world no matter what your present circumstances that has been my experience um follow the dictates of a higher power means that I have to be fully engaged in all the steps I can’t follow God’s seek God’s will yet let alone seek to follow God’s will if I’m not actively engaged in that which is why I need the rest of the well all of the steps but in particular 11 and and um it tells me that if I do this if I follow God’s will in other words I begin to live a life where I go where I’m guided rather than being pushed by my feelings then I’m going to live in a new and wonderful world new meaning one I’ve never known before and wonderful for me meaning God’s world not mine and it says that’s going to be true no matter what my present circumstances and for me that’s been true no matter what my present circumstances you know and I will judge circumstances I’ve got a mind that will say this is bad you know this is bad or this is good or this is sad or this is happy and it doesn’t matter I get to live in this new and wonderful world there’s a story in our book and there’s a passage from that story that in my community is is very very popular and it’s about acceptance and it’s about how nothing absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake and it it irritated me for quite some time because I couldn’t Recon reconcile that with a lot of the things that go on in this world I couldn’t believe that it would be God’s will that in God’s world these things would happen to innocent children or these things would happen to these folks and what I’ve come to believe is every day is a day that I have a choice that each of us has a choice and today is a day when I can choose to seek my will and when I do that ah I get to live in my world and it’s not pretty but when I’m seeking my will then then I exercise my will and I am am the tornado that Roars through your life and I’m not the only one others do too I have another choice on a daily basis and that’s to seek God’s Will and when I’m seeking God’s will I get to live in God’s world and when I’m living in God’s world everything happens right on time you know and everything happens right not by my judgment but everything happens right and I I wanted to go there because it is my experience and it’s one that I continue to experience and it is looking over my shoulder and if I get to the ninth step as many do and think I’m feeling good I don’t need to go there I’m not going to experience this unless I go there you know I’m not going to live in this new and wonderful world the um you know the promises the the nstep promises and all the promises thereafter don’t happen just because I think about it I have to be involved in action and so anyway with that in mind when I uh began making amends it um the first one I made was to My Dead Brother John I um couldn’t go see him face to face and the book says you know when you can see these people face to face generally we harm them face to face so it’s uh it’s real important for me to make Direct amends which means to your face and I need to be direct you know I need to be very specific uh I uh the book gives us pages and pages and pages of very specific instructions on what to do and what not to do and it covers every scenario it covers everything from how to approach enemies um how to approach creditors how to approach uh people that have harmed us more than we’ve harm them how to approach family how to I mean it covers everything and when we don’t have the time to to go go through all of that but you’re going through all that you know and and that’s why we have sponsors and and that’s why we have mentors and and um my brother was the first one I made amends to and my sponsor suggested that I write him a letter and take it to his grave and what happened was I sat on my back porch to write the letter and I began writing and it had been about 11 years since his death and at some point every that I had shoved down 11 years earlier because I couldn’t feel it I had to run and numb came up you know and the tears came and the grief came everything came and so I would write until I couldn’t see and I would stop and cry and then I would write until I couldn’t see and I would stop and cry and I cannot really articulate what happened um but I had an experience and at one point I looked up and I saw the steeple of Church in a in the neighborhood and I understood I understood that it was okay and what I understood was I don’t know see my brother John was very very angry very angry and after he died uh my parents found uh syringes and other things in his room and we just don’t really know what all he was involved with but what what occurred to me was I don’t know what God might have delivered him from you um I also understood that at some level in some way I knew that my brother John knew how much I loved him I just knew God made that possible and I also understood at some level that he knew I knew how much he loved me and see he and I had this real LoveHate relationship growing up um he would he would literally fight me with his fist and I would fight back with my tongue and we did a lot of damage to each other and then there were other moments when I just loved him so dearly I thought my heart would burst you know and I’ve still got a little paper weight he gave me and just a precious precious Spirit he was the um but anyway on that back porch I’m writing and I and I’m having all these experiences awarenesses whatever but where I got with that was I just knew that all was well you know and forgiveness settled in you know that I mean there was no I don’t have the power really to forgive anything um I believe to the extent God I don’t even think God forgives us I don’t think God ever holds anything against us these are just my beliefs but anyway the state of forgiveness settled in and from that day to this um I walk with my brother in peace and with love I never could have brought that about on my own I didn’t even need to go to the Grave um it just happened um I don’t know what your experience will be like but if you’re willing to just go forward you will have an experience because I I do believe that what God wants to restore us to is that state of wholeness that state of love that state of knowing and understanding that we are loved and that all is well and we just we get so far away from that I um told you that Charlie and I the best we could do was agree to divorce the uh my sister um when I was um 11 I was convinced that yes I’m going to talk about it Marcy I was convinced that my life would be better I had three brothers oh you know and I was convinced that I needed a sister and that would make everything okay and my parents were separated at the time but I started praying for a sister my parents had a brief reconciliation and nine months later I had Cindy and I was convinced she was mine you know that’s by the way that set the St I mean that set another idea about God that if God really loves me he’ll give me what I want you know and and I man you know I took that into every relationship if you really love me you’ll give me what I want and if you really love me I won’t even have to tell you what it is you’ll just know talk about a Santa Claus the um so Cindy was born she uh shared my bedroom with me and when she got up in the middle of the night I got up with her and just truly just loved her to death and she loved me and my mother they my parents were separated so my mom was working some really long hours and everywhere I went Cindy went well when I uh discovered alcohol she was about five and I literally turned my back on that little girl and I truly was her Idol I mean I was her sister mom and I mean literally turn my back I can remember her standing on the other side of our bedroom door knocking and crying and wanting in and I didn’t let her I couldn’t let her in because of what I was doing and who I was doing it with I just walked out of her life um I carry this around it’s a copy of a little letter she wrote me February 9th of 1980 I didn’t get sober until ‘ 899 um and she’s probably eight or nine at this time it says Dear Linda how are you I am fine are you going to marry Charlie uh I want to meet him why don’t you come over sometime last Friday I was in a play it was Cinderella and I was Cinderella and you owe me three letters now I didn’t copy the picture I looked at a Valentine and Drew it as good as I could how do you like it read the Valentine’s and Snoopy and Woodstock P.S you owe me three letters I love you love Cindy Kennedy um like I wouldn’t know her last name but but um I owe her three letters she was in a place she was Cinderella I was less than 20 minutes away from this little girl and I’m so selfish and I’m so self-absorbed and it’s so all about me that I’m not let alone pick up the phone I’m not responding to her letters and I’m not at the school play and she loves me and she loves me those are the kinds of harms that I did I can’t undo that I can’t go back and make that different well I did approach my sister and um admitted my wrongs told her how I understood I must have harmed her asked her how I had harmed her ask her what I could do to make it right and at this time she had just had her first child Dustin and she didn’t ask for much she just said well just be my sister again be a part of my child’s life her childhood’s over but be a part of my child’s life the wonderful thing about the 12th step and practicing these principles in all of my Affairs is that if I’m paying attention to that what that means for me is is that I have to listen my sister didn’t ask for much during that setting but over time as I continued to listen she continued to tell me exactly what I needed to do and I was given blessing after blessing after opportunity after opportunity to be there to be present in her life could be God should we get it the uh so I um I started listening and I started showing up three years later it’s funny too we get sober and all of a sudden we want everyone to like hand us cookies or something you know it’s like why aren’t they acting any different don’t they believe me yeah um three years later my sister wrote me a love letter you know it it’s just it’s I sh it with me I I won’t read it but it’s just truly now three years later I emphasize that three years later I had no idea where our relationship was go would go but I just you know I was willing to go where God guided she said be a part of my son’s life so I started being a part of her son’s life and when her second son was born I was there she had a 27-hour labor and I was there yeah rubbing her back and just you know blessed to be there the um I have two little nephews that I just love and adore they they are my heart um when my sister was growing up this is a photo copy but she would bring home uh pictures from school and the original is like red and blue and yellow and it says I love you Linda Mom Dad in that order um my nephews do they bring me similar um things this says Venom but this is guy love you know this is what little boys do and and I still get pictures from the youngest one to put on my refrigerator and they’re usually uh they’re usually things that are bleeding and uh knives and guns and I’m not getting worried yet but the um my sister and I have a love affair today uh and it’s deep and it’s rich and it’s beautiful and it’s more than I ever ever hoped for or imagined or expected she um well there’s just no there are no words for it um so I continued to make amends one at a time and I told you that um Charlie and I divorced and Richard and I met in the rooms of AA and I need to be totally honest we um we met we held hands we tried to be friends for my sponsor actually sha around our first couple of dates honest to goodness yeah she went with us s right in the middle the uh the um Richard did something that no other man had ever done before it just touched my heart so deeply I was visiting one evening and uh he asked me if I would pray with him no man had ever asked me to pray with him before and of course I’ll pray with you so we get on our knees and we say the third step prayer and the next thing I know he’s wished me onto the floor and he says do you think it’s God’s will and uh and and that’s just the kind of fun we had the uh shortly thereafter it wasn’t God’s will that particular evening but it was shortly thereafter and uh eventually you know how we think well you know we’re paying rent in two places that’s kind of silly he spends a we spend a lot of weekends together so next thing you know we’re combining homes and and um he tells me very clearly that he would um he would like to wait a year before we get married that he’d like to get married but he’d like to wait a year now I mention that because it’s very important to the whole story here the um Richard um several Ex-Wives uh but his first ex-wife the mother of his two oldest children had history long history and at this point his children were in their early 20s and I was very very intimidated by that very insecure with that and his oldest daughter was planning to get married and we were going to the wedding well I was convinced that I could not go to that wedding as his little shakam up honey I needed to go to that wedding as his wife you know not because of this deep and everlasting love which I believed I had but because of what she would think I needed her to know who I was was now I am always driven you know there’s always selfishness and self-centeredness at play here I know that today the only difference today is that I’m aware of it my entire life I was driven by selfishness and self-centeredness and thought it was generosity Purity and you good intentions the um I understood you know at some level that that was what it was about and I can tell you today that I had my way I mean I do what I do best and I manipulated and I connived and we got married we were married in May his daughter was married in August I went to the wedding as his wife the um not proud of that I’m just telling you that you know a few years sober uh doing lots of good things in aa I’m still doing those kinds of things the um this journey is about progress not Perfection if I think I’m ever going to wake up and be St Linda then I’m in big trouble cuz I’m not I pray that I continue to wake up and and and be willing to examine my life you know be willing to look at what’s really going on the um and let God take me somewhere but um I mentioned that because Richard and I had a had a good happy time together and we did lots of service together in a part we took AA into prisons and institutions and and uh just the things we do the things we do in alcoholic synonymous and lots of fun and and lots of opportunities for growth you know whether it’s chicken sandwiches or or whatever I um I used to refer to him as my my rose my real rose because real roses have thorns you know and if you want if you don’t want any Thorns fine but you’re going to be stuck with a silk Rose you it’s not real the um we um so we’re doing our thing and and I’m continuing to make amends and and I get all my amends I get current with the exception of my father and I can’t know what I don’t know but today I believe it is so important to get current with amends because I don’t believe that we get to really be rocketed into that fourth dimension until we’re current with amends if I’ve made that third step decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God I don’t believe that happen happens until I’m willing to be current with my amends and as long as I’m holding back I’m managing I’m managing and that’s that’s not what the deal is about but my father had hurt me more than I had hurt him and so I wasn’t going I wasn’t making the amends and I got to tell you it wasn’t any big stuff it was things like as a child he took us to the circus um and he drank and he passed out and spent half of the time leaned over passed out on me now I miss the fact that he took us to the circus what was I doing when I was drinking yeah I was drinking I can tell you that you see I my my alcoholic arrogance uh I couldn’t see that my dad in the middle of his disease was willing to take his children to the circus I couldn’t see that because he might have been a real alcoholic he couldn’t not drink you know all I see was he he humiliated me you know it was all about how he affected me and it was lots of little things like that my sweet sweet sponsor Janet who taught me so much continued to teach me and Janet taught me she got a resentment at her sponsor and it was justified her sponsor was wrong but Janet was unwilling to do exactly what she had taught me to do she was UN willing to inventory the resentment she was unwilling to get free from the resentment she stay she hung on to the resentment and she got sick and she got vicadin and she got a drink and I got to watch it all I got to watch it all and I got it you know I got it and I uh decided that it was time to go make amends to my father the willingness came the um so I approached my dad and um sat down and admitted to him all the ways I believed I had been wrong you know the usual deal and um an amazing thing happened my father began to weep and began to tell me all the ways that he believed he had harmed me we uh we just sat together and we cried together I didn’t try to fix him he didn’t try to fix me but what I understand is if I’m not willing to make the amends then I don’t you know I I block off whatever it is God’s trying to do you know and God’s always trying to love God’s always trying to love you know through us to us um I believe that my father needed the door open to say the things to me as much as I needed to say them to him and um and we got to just have a different kind of relationship from that that day forward it was just natural um we didn’t we didn’t go fishing every weekend you he’s a he’s loves the track I didn’t start going to the track with him it wasn’t like that it was just natural and easy the um and that was that was the amends that got me current um I mentioned that because I believe that that was a turning point that put into motion some things in the spiritual Realm that I’m not even aware of and it is um it is about living in God’s world and just um briefly what happened after that was um life went on and eventually I um we do weekend Retreats at home where we actually get together on a Friday night and we ask a different person to come in every year and they facilitate from Friday evening until Sunday after afternoon and it’s a wonderful wonderful experience and you know Kumbaya love love love and it is it truly is well we were Richard and I were scheduled to go to this Retreat and he backed out at the last minute and I went on without him and and sometimes I can become so oblivious to the obvious that I miss what’s right in front of my face and I came home from this Retreat and I don’t know if it was the contrast or what it was but I finally saw that my husband was terribly angry and unhappy and seemed to be blaming me uh and again there’s always at least a few motives that walk with me I care I genuinely care about him and um cared about his spiritual condition cared about his sobriety cared about him and at the same time I genuinely didn’t get sober to live like that you know the self the self-centeredness and so I did what you all taught me to do and I W walked through the steps wrote inventory prayed consulted with my sponsor where I was guided was to suggest to Richard that maybe we needed to live separately for a while and I’d had a little Awakening prior to that we were laying in bed one night and I realized that I had the power to make him feel different for a minute um I had the power you know emotionally to make him feel different for a minute because I was willing to assume that power and he was willing to give it to me and what had seemed very gray at that moment became very black and white you it’s not my job you his happiness his well-being his feelings are not dependent upon me or any other human being you know it’s dependent upon God as our mind so so I uh suggested to him that maybe we needed to live separately for a while he did not agree and that was okay because I wasn’t there to push an agenda I was just going where I was guided and that was fine he came back about a month later uh I didn’t come back I we were living in the same house but he approached me about a month later and said he thought I was right and so I packed up his stuff and he moved into the cabin and another Journey began I got to tell you that every day every day I prayed what do I do about my marriage what do I do about my marriage I never ever got an answer to that question no email came no burning bushes nothing lots of guidance came but nothing about that the um these steps become a design for living and a way of life the 10th step tells me that I have to continue to take personal inventory that I have to continue to set right wrongs as I go along the um and then it tells me that um when these things crop up uh fear resentment not if but when the um the instructions for the 10th step of course begin on page 84 and it says that uh as I begin to make amends I have to vigorously commence uh this way of living and it’s simply for me and this is just my understanding the 10th step is about taking the first nine and living them you I vigorously commence this way of living and they’re pretty much all contained in that little paragraph it says um we continue to take personal inventory that’s four I can’t continue to take something I haven’t already done and so I learned how to do that in step four continue to set right any new mistakes I make as I go along that’s eight and nine um vigorous commence this way of living as I cleaned up the past so while I make I did thank God I didn’t wait 5 years to start working the 10th step you know I don’t wait until I’m current with my amends I start doing it now tells me I’ve entered the world of the Spirit by the time I get to the 10th step I have entered the world of the spirit and then it tells me all throughout the book I get direction and they tell me here that my very next job my very next function is to grow in understanding and Effectiveness and that it is not an overnight matter it will take it’ll continue for a lifetime which means there’s always going to be more revealed you know I’m never going to like get to the end well until I get to the end the um continue to watch for selfishness how do I do that I continue to watch for dishonesty resentment and fear I got to tell you that at the beginning the 10th step I just you know I would be living for days in resentment in fear and not even know that’s what I was doing you know i’ just get that knot in my belly I’d get that attitude going on I’d get that self-righteous indignation the um and it was just with practice eventually I suffered enough that I would oh that’s a resentment and I’d sit down and write the inventory and then with practice eventually ah it came quicker you know and today one of the best places for me is the workplace I spend so much time there and today I know immediately when I want to start defending myself I’m afraid yeah and so today and I had a very recent example of that my boss called me in and this was just last month and said um you know and he was very very courteous he said basically he liked everything about me I love the job I did blah blah blah but every time he and I have a difference of opinion the short version is I get hoyy toyy I get Hy and I want to tell him what to do he’s the boss and um for like three seconds I had that feeling of wanting to defend myself and then I thought and I said I said you’re right you’re absolutely right now thank you so much for bringing that to my attention that is not how I I do not want to to behave in actions that make you feel that way because that’s not it’s not the message I want to send and you’re right and and I I will be more conscious of that what a freedom what a freedom I promise you that not I mean a year ago two years ago I would have been defending myself I would have been rationalizing my actions I would have been all over the place one of the promises at the 10th step is we stop fighting you know later on it says um we have ceased fighting any or anyone even alcohol what a freedom yeah now that doesn’t mean that if someone’s not right I say they’re right I haven’t had that experience really the um um but he was right and I was able to get it like that but that’s after 15 years I’m a sometimes slowly but if I practice then when these things crop up I see them more quickly and I know exactly what to do and I have to wear them for a while to recognize them I know after many many experiences in the office where I want to I’ve had times where I’ve had to excuse myself because I knew if I didn’t I was going to reach across the table and do physical harm I mean in the office it’s um it’s not a pretty world the um so we watch for these things and when they crop up not if we ask God to REM at once to remove them that’s a prayer we ask God to remove them well again I don’t always see them sometimes I have to write the inventory before I even understand what’s going on so that’s Pro that’s just a process we discuss them with someone immediately sounds like a fifth step and make amends quickly if we’ve harmed anyone ninth and here’s the piece that I always forgot for the longest time then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help love and tolerance of others is our code not I’m right which is where I want to go um and then we get a whole set of promises uh by this time sanity will have returned we’ll seldom be interested in liquor if tempted we recoil from it as from a hot flame I understand today that I am powerless over alcohol I understand today that I do not choose not to take a drink I don’t choose not to take a I cannot take a drink today God has restored me to sanity I can no more choose to take a drink today than I could choose not to take a drink 16 years ago that’s my experience and I’ve been in situations where drinks are there I’ve been in hotel rooms that have mini bars I just I can’t do it now that doesn’t mean I haven’t had a thought I can remember the first time I saw the zema billboard I thought oh I wonder what that would taste like but it wasn’t an obsession you know it was a thought and then I thought oh yeah right you’re missing something Linda you know and say a prayer and go on I understand today the difference between a thought and OBS if it’s an obsession I’ll drink you know if it’s a thought I can pray I can move on I didn’t have that freedom before if I thought it I did it and it wasn’t just about drinking yeah he goes on to say in Step 10 that we react sanely and normally and we will find that this has just happened automatically ah we’ll see that this new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part it just comes I used to take issue with that it’s like I’ve done a lot of work what do you mean it’s no effort on my part and it really wasn’t it really wasn’t the things I’ve been working on are a relationship with the source you know what the steps do is the steps give me a way to grow in relationship with the power that keeps me sober I don’t keep myself sober I don’t change that Within Myself a power greater than me does that and in order for me to live happily and serenely and sober I have to engage in having a relationship with this power the um it goes on to say we’re not fighting it nor are we avoiding Temptation we’ve been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected the problem has been solved doesn’t exist for us we’re not cocky nor are we afraid that is our experience this is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition the um one more thing that comes to mind that I want to point out with regard to the uh uh the ninth step it says um somewhere that the reason we work the reason we make amends is to fit ourselves to be of Maximum service to God and the people about us back on page 77 it talks about our real purpose and I missed a small word in that the first time I read it says our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of Maximum service to God and the people about us and I lost the two- fit and what I heard was my real purpose is to be of Maximum service to God and the people about me so I was saying yes to everything there was no prayerful consideration there was no thought about what other commitments do I have how much sleep do I really need uh should I make time for dinner no it was just I’ll do it I’ll do it I’ll do it and then I was star raving nuts um there’s a wonderful little story that has nothing to do with AA but it’s about two um would Choppers there’s probably a more technical term for that but these two Wood Choppers uh one decides to challenge the other to uh contest and he says I’ll bet I can chop more wood in a day than you can and so they agree and they meet and they get together at Sunrise and they’re going to chop until Sunset and the first guy is just working working working chopping chopping chopping and midm morning he looks over and he sees the other guy sitting down okay keeps chopping chopping chopping later lunchtime he looks and the other guy’s sitting down again think well this is going to be a cinch you know what’s this guy thinking about and this happens a few more times during the day well at the end of the day they’re comparing the first guy can’t believe it so I don’t get this I chopped all day long I looked over here and at least three or four times today I saw you sitting and doing nothing yet you’ve chopped more wood I don’t understand this how’d this happen and the second guy says well what you didn’t see was every time I sat down I was sharpening my saw and that’s why I need prayer and meditation that’s why I need the 11th step you know I’ve got to pause you know I’ve got to sharpen my saw otherwise I’m just who I was before but I’m real busy doing it and uh so anyway uh Richard packs up his stuff and moves to the cabin and and uh um I get to at eight years so of sobriety I get to take a look at my relationship with money now up to this point I had been in debt out of debt in debt out of debt and you know various men in their wallets in between um I thought that I was living the seventh tradition which is about being self-supporting declining outside contributions as long as I paid my Visa and MasterCard bill yeah the fact that there were thousands and thousands of dollars charged up on them I mean for me that just wasn’t a problem well when Richard moved out we agreed that we were leasing at the time that when the lease was up if we hadn’t figured something out uh we would be financially independent until we did figure something out and that time came and I got to tell you I’m just crazy because I’ve got lots of debt you know and not a whole lot to show for it unless you count all the plastic stuff you know from Walmart and Target the um the uh tons of debt and um I want to file bankruptcy and I go see an attorney and I even leave a retainer but it’s bothering me and it’s bothering me and it’s bothering me and a lot of people loving well-intended people on this program were supporting me with that and bankruptcy is the spiritual solution for many it is it just wasn’t my solution you know and the book tells me that um I have to face my creditors I have to lose my fear of my creditors and for me I just um you know this wasn’t about some medical trauma and you know that I couldn’t take care of this was about Visa and MasterCard and clothes and makeup and junk okay and um so I I got to do what you all taught me to do and and um I’ve got just a bit of I’ve got that inventory with me and and if you’ll allow me I’d like to share it with you the prayer was God thank you and please help me to grow toward what you’d like me to be I understand intellectually that I should pay my bills but in my heart I want the easier softer way of bankruptcy I’m angry at myself why because I can’t buy what I want to for people for Christmas Andor birthdays it affects my self-esteem I think I’m someone who ought to be able to buy gifts for others I hold myself in higher esteem than all the other people in the world who can’t buy gifts for others ego places Me Above others it affects my ambitions my plans for a happy Christmas and birthdays always include gifts it affects my personal relationships I’ve always used gifts as a way to show my love and appreciation of others it affects my security of course what will they think you know if I don’t show up with good gifts what will they think I’m angry because I I can’t buy what I want to for myself including getting the kind of apartment I want when my lease is up it affects my self-esteem I think I ought to be able I ought to be earning enough and or be able able to manage my finances to the degree that I can provide for my own needs and some wants it affects my security things clothes Cosmetics outings household goods they all make me feel a part of equal to and okay sound familiar it affects my ambitions my plans are to dress the way I’d like look as good as I can to others go and do the things that demonstrate to the world around me that I’m okay and invite people into a home that reflects the same affects my personal relationships friends may not invite me to join them if they think I can’t afford it or worse they might feel compelled to treat me out of pity and for God’s sake don’t feel sorry for me uh I’m angry because I got myself into all this debt and I’m angry that there’s no easy way out of it I can’t won’t accept responsibility for it it affects my em Financial Security I could have the things I want if it weren’t for the debt duh it affects my ambitions if I commit to paying my bills I can’t live the way I’d like like too materially it’s all about me uh self-esteem I’d like to find a way to file bankruptcy and not experience guilt I’d like to be a thief without spiritual consequence I hold myself in higher esteem than the rest of society I’m so special the rules shouldn’t apply to me and then when I sat in the prayer and meditation I realized that I’m not really so angry with myself as I am afraid I’m afraid that I can’t buy gifts for the people I love I’m afraid that I can’t buy buy what I want to for myself I’m afraid of not getting the right kind of apartment I don’t like my symptoms the moodiness the sadness and the immature attitudes and actions I’m spiritually sick how can I help myself God save me from being angry my mistakes I’m selfish my gift giving always includes the hope that they will like me more love me more know that I love them more and thus create closer more secure relationships I will be your favorite your best aunt sister daughter fill in the blank I’m dishonest this one’s obvious I spend money I don’t have I’m willing to live the light to get what I want and need I’m self-seeking I crave the self-gratification of gift giving so much that I’ve been willing to go to any links in my debt I’m frightened I’ve always been so afraid that they won’t know how much I love them I’m selfish I don’t want to give up Personal Pleasures in order to meet financial responsibilities 8 years sober I want to keep my cake while I’m eating it too I’m dishonest I don’t want others to know the truth about my finances I’m self-seeking I want to look okay to others in order to feel okay with me I’m frightened I’m afraid I’ll lose or won’t get the things that make me feel okay I’m selfish I don’t want to let go of my money for bills I’m dishonest I got here because I wasn’t honest with myself or others about my finances my financial actions were always dishonest and never reflected what I could really afford I’m self-seeking I hang on to these immature ways because they allow me to do what I want rather than what I should I’m frightened I’m afraid that that part of the change in the seventh step will be learning to live with poverty I um and then my prayer was I’ve been wrong in living such a dishonest life where was I wrong I’ve put myself in a position where I could not help anyone financially if they ask I must become willing to be honest and live honestly regarding my finances then I took those fears and there were three of them I’m afraid I won’t have what I want why how does self-reliance fail me I depend on so many things to make me okay and no matter how much I plan or scheme outcomes I always end up lacking something I don’t have any ultimate control over whether or not I will have what I want self-sufficiency fails me always has always will I’m afraid that others won’t think of me the way I’d like them to I still depend on what others think of me for a sense of self-worth no matter how nice my clothes Cosmetics cars or stuff I can still feel less than I’m depending on what I project out to you and get reflected back from you for my emotional security this is precarious at best and never works on any long-term basis I’m afraid I’ll never change why because it’s true in that I will never change in my on my own of myself I am nothing I have no power it doesn’t matter how many new budgets I write or how many coupons I clip or how much whistling in the dark I do I can’t change me even a blind man could see that why couldn’t I what a freedom I can stop trying thank you God and then the solution uh what a different basis of living would look like is stop being so arrogant and trust God he has always filled my cup and always will and then I got a piece on my mom um and Mom’s I don’t know about you but Mom’s my mom has been a multiple inventory kind of thing you know and more is revealed and this I think well it’s the last piece that I’m aware of there may be more yet to come but then I went on to write things do not equal love Do you hear that Mom things do not equal love I know love and yet I keep going back to the space of denial and lack help me help me God see my mom still is like that she does not know how to show love other than that way and she doesn’t know any other way you know and she will l Al give you the coat off her back literally because she loves you so much and I got that things don’t equal love and I know the different kind of love you know you’ve given me that thank you God help me understand your will what role would you have me play please remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be I am yours God change me as you will and while you’re doing that I’ll make a list thank you I dance I sing I Smile For Freedom something happened you know and I understood that I do know love there is no deprivation here and I was willing and so I contacted um an a not for-profit deal agency and they negotiated with my creditors and got interest to stop being assessed and anyway made the best deal possible to pay them back not the best deal for me and um entered into a 5-year get out of debt program the um it was pretty significant I had to abandon all credit cards All rights to credit which meant I had to live on a cash financially honest me if I don’t have it I can’t spend it h it also meant uh an entirely different standard of living because I mean huge amount was going to be paid every month on this uh deal and so I’m at a family birthday party and this is where if we just go where God guides us everything happens right on time I’m at a family birthday gathering and sharing with my family that I’ll be looking for a different place to live uh a different much different place to live and uh everyone at that table invited me to come into their homes for as little or as long as I wanted yeah I mean I am the person that didn’t I mean just roared through their lives and eight years later they’re all opening their homes to me well after some prayerful consideration I I moved into my sister’s and um I uh a little bitty bedroom I’ve had closets this size but but a little bitty bedroom and I got to share a bathroom with my nephews and it was it was different it sharing a bathroom with little boys is a constant perpet ual party you know there’s always something going on and they’re always there to keep you company and the room I was in was adjacent to where they watch TV and I can remember on Saturday mornings at 6:00 a.m.

hearing those two little munchkins out there watching The Three Stooges and giggling and laughing and just laying there realizing what a blessed life I have and I was aware of it I had always loved my nephews but I just felt head over heels in love with them you know to just be there and to really be a part of their lives and and see if I had listened to my mind I would have filed bankruptcy so I could have stuff and I would have missed what was really important and what was really precious and I got to tell you that I wrote this in dece in early December and that Christmas was really uncomfortable cuz I showed up with cookies you know and I but you know what I had time I wasn’t spending any time at the mall I wasn’t wrapping Liv um I showed up with me and my cookies um and we shared love you know and I got free and I and this is a deeply rooted belief I had that I had to have things you know so that you would know that there was love freedom beyond my wildest dreams and I would have missed it um quickly before we take a break I moved into my sister’s on November 1st of 1999 and that meant moving from one side of town to the other side of town and on November 10th 10 days later my father was diagnosed with gleo blastoma which is terminal brain cancer and because I was there I was literally minutes from his home um because I was there I was available and because I was there I was able to be present and available to my father for the next seven months one day at a time and if I had had my way if I had followed my will I would have still been on the other side of town with lots of stuff but um but anyway it’s um um is it time for a break take 10 minutes and come back okay thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day