welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe we hope to always remain an adree podcast so if you’d like to help us remain self-supporting please visit our website at sober-remix than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker there cell phones and run to the bathroom that’s just my mind Len well welcome back um before we leave chapter 4 which by the way isn’t an interesting we have four chapters for the first step and one chapter that’s entirely devoted to the Second Step a lot of good stuff there um on page 52 of chapter 4 that’s uh devoted to the Second Step many of you I know are aware of the bedevilments page 52 talks about um the problems I have you know that um have really nothing to do with a drink and um just quickly it talks about we were having trouble with personal relationships I’ve experienced that sober I couldn’t control my emotional nature sober in a meeting room I was apprey to misery and depression sober couldn’t make a living or at least couldn’t make the living I thought I ought to be making had a feeling of uselessness full of fear full of fear was unhappy couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people and then the question is wasn’t a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than what’s on the news tonight yeah it is for me but watch my actions what am I doing you know maybe I’m not watching the news maybe it’s CSI but it is amazing how easily distracted I am so I need the steps I need guidance I need clear-cut direction um which by the way so many promises in this book they go Way Beyond the ninth step promises which where I’m from we hear those all the time the nin step promises um but there are promises with every step one of the first is on the cover page where the book tells us us that this book is the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism you and I was taught that I don’t have to be in recovery for the rest of my life you know that the book suggest and it doesn’t suggest it states very clearly throughout that we are men and women who have recovered now I’m not cured I can’t go out and drink socially but I can and have recovered from the seemingly hopeless of mind and body I don’t suffer uh from the obsession to drink today and because of that the phenomenon of craving isn’t an issue and my spirit is more whole than I ever dreamt it would be now there are you know there’s more to do there’s more obviously you more to learn more to grow but if it never got any better than it is right now you know I’m blessed beyond measure no complaints you know from where I said none whatsoever but the um and the other promise that comes to mind is um in the forward to the first edition it talks about how again uh we are men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless State of Mind and Body my friend Mike talks about um you know if if you’ve broken your arm you’re going to go to the hospital and you’re going to go to the emergency room and you’re going to have surgery and you’re going to expect to be in the recovery room for a while I mean that’s just part of the process you’ve got to get the Emergency Care um but you don’t expect to live in the recovery room I mean eventually you want the treatment you want to go to a regular room and then you want to go back and join your you know go back to life you your home your your community your work um it’s um I think it’s a it’s a beautiful thing that we can look forward to that the and then we’re given a statement of purpose it says to show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book so we’ve got lots of beautiful literature that we’ve published but it’s this book Alcoholic Anonymous whose main purpose is to show us precisely how we have recovered um don’t have to guess at anything it’s all laid out now if you’re like me and you try to do it on your own you’re probably going to have problems uh I just I read this book I read this book I read this book and it didn’t come alive until someone read it with me and I don’t know why that is H but it just is well yeah I do know why it is it’s because the someone who read it with me had experience that they were passing along with it and so the words came to life but um but anyway the the bedevilments those are the things I want help with that’s what makes sobriety painful always being full of fear not you know having no control over my emotional nature not being able to be a part of anything I do want answers to that and um on page 55 it promises me that the consciousness of my belief is sure to come to me that’s a promise I mean and I won’t go through them all uh you we don’t have time for that although I’d love to the um uh but the fourth chapter is just immense and and powerful and and um continues to reveal itself to me and um that then takes us into the third step and the third step was where I was paralyzed for a while because I thought I had to understand God and I thought I had to turn my will and my life over to God and I didn’t have a clue about either I had no clue what God I I laid awake several nights um trying to understand what God was the closest I came was some sort of ET beyond my comprehension out there um of course I’m the 11-year-old who stood on the corner and just belied that if I thought hard enough they would find me and take me where I really belonged honest to goodness I mean I would stand on the corner when I was 11 years old I knew that I wasn’t where I belonged I hadn’t found a drink yet and uh and I really thought you know that this other life that was out there would would come and get me but um the third step just paralyzed me for a minute because I couldn’t understand God I didn’t have a clue um and the things I thought I understood thank goodness I was willing to let go of those ideas and turn my will on my life over I don’t have a I don’t know how to do that I don’t know how to do that and thank goodness that I eventually understood that the third step is not where I turn my will and my life over to the care of God um I would have no more idea how to do that than I would know how to perform brain surgery the um third step is where I make a decision and it is a powerful decision an important decision a life-altering decision but it is just a decision and it took me a while to understand that the um the beauty of of what’s laid out in this book is why would I want to make that decision to begin with you know made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him well I don’t understand him why would I want to make this decision turn my will in my life over to something I don’t really understand for me it was about understanding that I don’t run my life well and my sponsor helped me look at that now it was it was not clear to me at first yeah I’m sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics synonymous having come to my living room dying and um living in a house that was a beautiful house but I wanted it to burn down because I didn’t want to clean it anymore married to a man who was a great man and I just just day dreamt about him either running off with someone or dying a quick painless death I didn’t want him to suffer and um wishing that I would get fired from my job because I didn’t want to go there anymore and incapable of taking any action no I don’t have I run my life I’m doing a fine job the um at the beginning it was just making a decision and my sponsor helped me with this that maybe just maybe God had a better idea of of what my life ought to look like than I do and if I’d be willing to try that and work the rest of the steps I could change my mind at the end and so I thought okay and the book says having you know made that decision we then launch into a course of vigorous action now today the third step wow you know today the third step having had as many of you have had experience with living this life today the third step is more of an awareness um it’s an awareness and the thing that’s coming to mind is um in January I had my annual mammogram and I was um called a little bit later and told that you know there were some changes and I need to go for some better Imaging and so I made that appointment and I was at the office last month the day of this appointment and leaving the office to go for this better mamogram and uh the um and I’m doing my little conversation with god and I’m praying you know your will and then I’m like I don’t want this you know you know you got to know God and this is how I commune with God I’m just telling the truth you know I just you know I don’t need this I want cancer I don’t think there’s anything I can learn from it I’m just telling you God that you know I just really it doesn’t seem right doesn’t suit me and um and I hear myself and so I you know I got that out in the open and then I I said okay but I’m going to turn my will and my life over to your care and I I had an experience and I understood I don’t have to turn anything over I am in God’s care you know prior to the mamogram after the mamogram I am in God’s care I don’t have the words to articulate this but all was well it didn’t matter honest to goodness it did not matter uh what the outcome was I went for the extra super duper Imaging and uh there’s uh there there was this little cluster of stuff and so they wanted to do a biopsy and and it was nothing you know they 90% certain it’s nothing and um and So eventually we did the biopsy and everything’s fine but everything was fine before everything was fine yeah it just was and I that’s just a miracle for me I mean that’s I stand in all of that because I’m the kind of woman that you know even a few years ago I would have been it would have been all about me and my feelings and my fear and my future and bl BL BL and I would have lived in the rec the future before before any mamogram you know just that’s where my mind goes I didn’t do that I didn’t do that that’s just that’s just what happens uh through these steps as we become more and more willing to surrender anyway I um there is a little bit of um of um information in chapter 5 which by the way chapter five covers a a whole bunch of steps we’ve got steps uh three four five no three and four in chapter five the um um but on page 60 after you know how it works and the ABCs it says being convinced we were at step three and I was asked what are you convinced of um well I’m convinced that I’m an alcoholic and I can’t manage my own life I’m convinced that no human power can relieve my alcoholism really really you know sometimes that you would have thought by the way I acted I thought my sponsor could relieve it or I thought the right Mentor if I get the right spiritual guide that’ll relieve my alcoholism um that God could and would if he were sought just have to seek don’t even have to find but it says being convinced of those three things we at step three and then it says um what do we mean what do we do I needed to understand the answers to that gives and and it tells me I love it and it asks a question then it tells me the first requirement is that I be convinced that my life run on self-will is not a success and it was suggested that I read these these next few pages in the first person and I do and I say I do because I still do anytime I’m starting to feel a little twisted I pull this out and I start reading in the first person and whatever I’m twisted about is what I insert there it says on that basis me running my life I am almost always in collision with something or somebody even though my motives are good I’m just trying to help you I try to live by self-propulsion which is another way of saying self-will I’m like an actor who wants to run the whole show I’m forever trying to arrange the lights the ballet the scenery and the rest of the players in my own way I get such a beautiful visual with this I love the theater I like to go and and see plays and and um I can see myself you know the actor has a role the actor has a script it is the actor’s job to read the script and perform the role but I am like the actor who wants to say well you know we need a little more green in the scenery and those lights could be a little brighter and by the way why don’t you do something about that propt and you know when you come out here you really need to emote a little bit more and that’s me that’s me I want to run the whole show I’m certain I know how it ought to be I’m certain I know and if my arrangements would only stay put if only people would do as I wish the show would be great everybody including me would be happy can you relate life would be wonderful and trying to make these Arrangements I may sometimes be quite virtuous I may be kind considerate patient generous um mod is self-sacrificing yeah some times I might be mean egotistical selfish and dishonest I’m going to have varied traits what usually happens the show doesn’t go off the way I plan and I think life doesn’t treat me right so what do I do I get a bigger Hammer I’ll talk a little louder maybe if I say it slowly you’ll get it still the play does not suit me admitting I might be somewhat at fault I’m sure other people are more to blame I become angry indignant self-pitying what is my basic trouble doesn’t say alcohol am I not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind I’ll teach him to tie his shoes so that I will feel better am I not the victim of the delusion that I can rest happy satisfaction and happiness if I only manage well I’m delusional I mean that’s what they’re saying I think that if I can just get a certain outcome get you all to behave act a certain way think a certain way feel a c I really need you to feel a certain way then I’m going to be okay I spent my entire life trying to get people to feel a certain way my parents my siblings everybody you know I needed you to feel a certain way so I would feel now I don’t know what other people feel you know but I’ll I’m great at mind reading I mean I can look across the room and and look at your expression and know exactly what you’re thinking and what you’re thinking about me I mean these are the old ideas that get in my way um the um if I only manage well is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things I want and don’t my actions make each of them wish to retaliate am I not even in my best moments sober spiritually fit am I not even in my best moments a producer of confusion rather than Harmony this is sober this isn’t drinking this is sober I am self-centered entric as people like to call it nowadays and then they talk about the retired businessman who LS in the floor to Sunshine complaining of the sad state of the nation and does nothing and all these examples these are people who complain and do nothing and then they tell me on page 62 they don’t tell me that my real problem is drinking in fact we don’t really hear a whole lot about drinking uh from this point on it says selfishness self-centeredness exclamation mark that we think is the root of our troubles and here’s what I’m driven by a hundred forms of fear I’m so afraid I’m so afraid I am so afraid self-seeking self-pity I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate sometimes they hurt me seemingly without provocation but I invariably find that at some time in the past I’ve made decisions based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt now I invariably find this in inventory I don’t invariably find this just sitting down thinking hard yeah and I don’t find it when you tell it to me or point it out to me either then I just become resistant um anyway it tells me my troubles are of my own making and um another real important thing on this page says that um we must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us doesn’t say alcohol kills us it says the selfishness kills us it’s the selfishness that led me to I mean I’m an alcoholic who believes I ought to feel good all the time I’ll go to any lengths for that yeah any links I’ll hurt anybody you to try to manage how I feel above everything we must be rid of the selfishness we must or it kills us and then they tell me God makes that possible why don’t the way I read it it’s not that God makes it possible for selfishness to kill me I read it that God makes it possible for me to be rid of it I cannot free myself of selfishness if I could I wouldn’t need alcoholic synonymous I wouldn’t need God I wouldn’t need you I would just free myself of the selfishness and I’d be fine but I can’t um in fact it goes on to say that I can’t reduce my self-centeredness by wishing or trying on my own power I had to have God’s help and then they tell me the how and why of it first of all I had to quit playing God well before I can quit playing God I have to understand how I play God I I got to tell you I didn’t get it at the beginning I had to have a sponsor help me see the little ways you know and then they were just little ways and but it was enough it’s like okay you’re right I do try to manage outcomes you’re right M um the um one of my biggest experiences was in early sobriety my husband and I had this house up for sale and we had this antique dresser in the in the um bedroom and there was one drawer that was a little off and so and it was his sock drawer and so to close it properly had to lift one corner and push it in he would never do that and so every morning this drawer is like with this you know you can see the sock stuff and I just enraged we can’t sell this house if that drawer is like that go and fix that push that drawer push it in doesn’t he have any more sense than that what’s the matter with him never said a word you know but but I’m going to have to go fix the drawer so we can sell the house I mean it doesn’t take much for me to get caught up in Playing God and and creating hell on Earth you know the um and then be resentful for him at him the rest of the day and he doesn’t have a clue he just what is wrong with her can’t close a drawer you the uh so I had to quit playing God it didn’t work and then next here’s the decision Hereafter in this drama of life God was going to be my director and then I’m given all kinds of examples principal agent father child um this concept is the Keystone of the new and triumphant Arch through which I passed to freedom and um today when I revisit the third step um what it boils down to for me today is that I’m making a decision that as of this moment as as of this moment I’m no longer going to be driven by my fears my insecurities my self-centeredness as of this moment ah I want to follow God I just want to go where he guides and I don’t know how to do that but I’m making a decision to do that what have I got to lose what have I really got to lose and um I don’t think it’s any coincidence that they say we thought well before taking the step and when I as I walk with women um we go home for a week and they think well and then we come back the next week you know and we say the prayer um and the prayer is pretty awesome and there’s no amen you know the prayer talks about offering ourselves to God to build with us and do with us as he will um to take away um our difficulties I used to think that my difficulties were you the uh it talks about relieving us of the bondage of self that we may better do God’s will uh take away my difficulties not so that I’ll feel better I mean this I said the prayer but what I heard were a lot of different things uh what I heard when I first started saying this prayer was relieve me of the bondage of self that I met May better do your will that I know I know what your will is and it’s my will and take away my bondage of self so I can better do our will the uh take away my difficulties um again it’s it’s you all and you know how you’re acting and treating me and and uh uh may I do thy will always yeah it was the best I could do it was the best I could do what I understand today is my difficulties are not about you my difficulties are not about my circumstances my difficulties are about how I react to life and as I practice the rest of the steps and in particular the 11th step I get to see that change the change doesn’t come from me but as we live as we get on this spiritual walk and as we just do what’s suggested it’s amazing what we get to see in our own lives you know and that’s what I need to pay attention to as my own experience um in the 10th step later on it talks about by the time we’re there our job is to grow in understanding and Effectiveness for me today to the extent that I understand my own experience and continue to understand my own experience to that proportion am I more effective in the world around me you know and they just go hand in hand I don’t understand my own experience when I’m living a life of distraction yeah I can get totally disconnected from my own experience but anyway um this prayer actually at one when it really uh turned for me was when I understood that most of my life this is how I treated men I offer myself to you build with me and do with me as you will relieve me of the bondage of self give me what I need I it’s take away my difficulties pull out that Magic Wallet you know the uh that was just my own personal awareness but uh but today I understand that um this decision is is just that it’s a decision it is the bondage of self that is killing me um at first I wanted to do God’s will no I didn’t no I didn’t at first I just wanted something different okay I just wanted something different and if that was called God’s will okay let’s go see um today I have a genuine desire I have a genuine desire I don’t know where it came from the um um but then it says uh take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help thy power thy love and thy way of life and um we just had this long page after page discussion about selfishness and self-centeredness being the root of my problem and the prayer isn’t about you know take away my difficulties so that I’ll feel better the prayer isn’t take away my difficulties so that I’ll live better or be more prosperous or or or know you better the the prayer is take away my difficulties so that others will be helped take away my difficulties so others can see your glory yeah and so we begin you know we begin this journey the um and then we get a set of promises um on the top of page 63 that are often felt quite strongly and often not but the um what happens a lot in the meeting rooms I go to people do the first three steps and then they stop they stop they they feel better they’re not drinking you life’s better remember what I did last night you know people are treating me a little better um and there’s that big boogy man called inventory and I don’t know about your community but in mine a lot of people are scared to death of inventory I might feel I might cry and I I mean I I’m recovering from a disease that was killing me and I’m afraid that if I sit down at my kitchen table I might not be able to control how I feel when the alternative is to pick up a drink and go do the things I was doing before I mean if I think through this it’s pretty insane and yet at home we kind of contribute to that we have a lot of people that talk about inventory like it’s this big scary thing and it’s not it’s not it just it just and anyone and many in this room have written inventory and they can tell you it’s not a big scary thing it um it’s an experience that changes each time the first time I wrote inventory uh I understood because I had a sponsor who helped me that it was about it’s actually three inventories it’s about resentment it’s about fear and it’s about conduct and I had pages and pages of resentment inventory I knew why you were wrong you know I knew who had harmed me I knew what they had done and uh I was easy to write about it and the conduct uh especially from a sexual point of view pages and pages of that or misconduct um I could not connect with fear I just couldn’t I had fear of death and fear of rats and I just couldn’t make the connection between uh resentment and fear but I did the best I could I did the absolute best I could and that was the best I could do and I took it to that sponsor I sat in her living room for many hours and I shared and she listened and she shared and I cried and we laughed and and um for quite some time Janet had been telling me that she loved me and it didn’t really mean much to me because I knew that’s what people in AA did you shake hands you say I love you love you love you love you yeah this particular afternoon after sharing that inventory she looked me straight in the eye and she said I love you and uh and I believed her I believed her and I began to have a spiritual experience which is exactly what’s promised and with the fifth step it says we begin to have a spiritual experience and I think that is and I don’t know uh but I I think based on my experience that’s about coming back to this world you know and being one of you know and I can’t even say again because I don’t remember ever being one of um but in her living room I knew that she loved me I didn’t understand why and it was okay and I also understood that if she loves me just maybe maybe God can to and um she sent me home to do steps six and 7 and she told me exactly what the book tells me take an hour be quiet carefully review the first five steps I went home and I did an alcoholic hour which was about 40 minutes I uh I sat still for a little bit of it and then I just kind of walked you know and thought H I did the best I could I did the best I could and then uh and I called her and we we eventually we I said the prayer and then we said the prayer together and um then she said okay we’ll get together and we’ll start making that list that amends list now the sixth and seventh step and I’m going to talk a little bit more about amends or inventory too but the um the sixth and seventh Step At the beginning and for quite some time were just intellectual you know they were just they were just and there’s only a couple of paragraphs and um I didn’t you know just wasn’t that much to it and and it’s in the next chapter into action and isn’t that interesting into action is where we go into steps five 6 7 8 9 10 one chapter and uh all those steps are in it and it does require action the um we go from our kitchen table to someone’s home and and we we share what we’ve written and um and on page 75 talks about we’re given the fifth step promises in the middle of the page about how if we’re thorough and withhold nothing you know all these things begin to happen I got to tell you that when I was finished with that fifth step I did not experience anything on this page I was exhausted I felt num and depleted I did not feel like I could look the world in the eye I did not feel like I could be alone at perfect peace and ease I didn’t feel my fears Fall From Me In fact when we prayed Janet told God that I had told her everything and I’m racking my brain thinking oh gosh what if I did you know uh but um but anyway I did eventually experience those things but I I went home and and the book says we we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better wasn’t that interesting I’ve just done the first five steps and they’re suggesting that I know God better by now and um and then it tells me to uh to go to the step that contains the first five proposals the first five steps and then they give me all these construction analogies um which basically says have I been thorough have I left anything out what I did then was just I mentally went through the first five steps read them uh and that was what I did what I do today is I revisit the first five steps and I ask myself what’s the first step mean to me today I’m powerless over alcohol what do I understand about that how about my life being unmanageable and if I’ve written inventory my fear inventory has shown me all the ways that I’ve been trying to manage my life and how it doesn’t work yeah and then so it’s like okay I get that second step what’s my conception of God today well again my fear inventory has you know I’ve looked at self-sufficiency and uh how it fails and the reason I’m back managing my life is because I’m in agnostic I doubt God so what’s my conception of God today and after going through that inventory um I get to revisit that and so I ask myself you know what’s my decision today and then the third step you know what what am I really willing to do am I really willing to turn my will in my life over the care of God what is it I still think I need to manage you and I just walk through all of that and then my inventory you know what has God revealed to me this time and I’m a firm believer that inventory is not where I find out who I am no inventory is where I find out who I’m not you I um I believe that we were all created you know by something bigger than us and that we were created perfectly and I know that at an early age I started working on that I started recreating myself and in fact my entire en life has been about creating myself for you rather than revealing myself to you you know at some point I got lost in the process you know and these these things that I have built up over the years to protect myself to survive to exist are just things I’ve layered upon what was created and in inventory I get to see how the things that used to enable me to survive are killing me they’re killing me today and so I look at that and to the extent that I truly find it objectionable and that’s the question the sixth step asked me to ask yeah to the extent that I find these things objectionable and I believe in direct proportion to that am I going to have the willingness and the Readiness to be changed um you know the 12 and 12 talks about we don’t want to be so greedy that we’ll rob a bank um but I’ll cheat at the office you we don’t want to be so lustful that we’ll go out and commit a crime you know but I’ll flirt with your husband you know the subtleties you continue to be revealed inventory after inventory and I don’t I can’t I can’t become willing to be changed if I don’t know about it if I’m not aware of it everybody else may be aware of it but but if I don’t have the a wellness the willingness and the awareness what am I taking to God nothing just an intellectual thing so anyway it’s a process and six and seven are so pivotal for me today at the beginning after I did six and seven then I thought I was supposed to go fix myself and because I’d seen in my inventory that I was selfish and dishonest I thought okay now I’m going to go practice being honest and I’m going to practice being unselfish and those those are good things to do and I can do that I can change my behavior I can change especially if you’re watching but the essence of who I am what really drives me is beyond my ability to change I can’t do it if I had the power to change myself I wouldn’t need step six and seven uh I wouldn’t need I wouldn’t need this program I wouldn’t need God I don’t have the power to change myself if I have the willingness to be changed the change has begun that’s been my experience now how do I get that willingness one step at a time one experience at a time one awareness at a time but it comes you know it comes so the um so what I do after the seven step prayer is exactly what the book suggest it talks about um um faith without works is dead now a lot of people in my hometown hear about the nstep promises and they hear about 90 meetings in 90 days and they wonder why 90 days later they still feel horrible and they haven’t experienced any of the promises and I think that’s tragic and I don’t think anyone is I don’t think anyone means anyone any harm but I think we do people a great disservice when we read those promises and we don’t explain that you know these promises aren’t what you get halfway through your 90 days you these promises are what come about in the making of amends and it’s my belief that that decision I made in the third step begins to be consummated in the making of amends see up until the making of amends it’s just me and my pen and my paper oh then my sponsor a few prayers no real action you know when it’s when it comes time to make amends then I have to go where I haven’t gone before you know and see situations unfold over which I have no control over which I’ve given up all control and the formula I was given for making amends is pretty simple um I was wrong I was wrong here are the ways I was wrong I caused you harm here are the ways I understand I caused you harm um now my arrogance at the beginning told me that I knew exactly how you were harmed and I knew exactly how to amend you and so I showed up prepared to amend you the way I knew you needed to be amended I had to make amends for a couple of those amends the formula I was given was I was wrong here’s how I understand I was wrong here are the harms I believe I caused please tell me please tell me the other ways this affected you and I listen and then the most important thing I ask is what can I do to make it right please tell me what can I do to make it right well that opens it up doesn’t it and then we get all the fear oh what if they want this what if they want that what well have you put your life in God’s hands or not I’ve never ever had anyone ask for something that I couldn’t give them you know never now obviously if someone was crazy uh I would probably say something like I have to check with my sponsor but I just haven’t had that experience but I understand the fear and I understand you know my sponsor bless her heart told me we used index cards and we put each person uh on a different card along with the contact information a summary of the harms and um and she told me I can make three Stacks the yes I’m willing to do these amends the um maybe and the no heck no stack and what I discovered was um the willingness came but I had to start somewhere anyway going back to um inventory the and that’s where the list starts at we start with inventory and we start pulling names off of there and then others will come to us or maybe they won’t but um later on what I discovered was that uh inventory wasn’t something that um I had to just do once a year inventory is a way of life for me now and it doesn’t have to be a big deal after um after um I got sober eventually Charlie and I did agree to divorce and it was just the best thing we could do at the time um hindsight’s 2020 and I understand today what I didn’t understand then but everything’s in God’s hands anyway after um he and I uh divorced I met Richard in the rooms of AA and um you know we both like to believe that we were friends first we tried to be friends first we were driven by lust and uh but we tried real hard to hold hands and to do it differently and uh and eventually eventually we were together we were married and and they um and it was a garden of opportunity relationships are a garden of opportunity for spiritual growth one of my favorite quick little amends that I like to share and I here’s the piece of paper I wrote it on originally just this little piece of notepad and I apologize for those of you who have already heard it but we um I don’t spend a lot of time in the kitchen and Richard did most of the cooking and on this particular Saturday he was out doing something and and uh I decided to cook and so I made this huge meal everything from fresh bread to dessert huge meal he uh he came home and wasn’t hungry and he wasn’t hungry because he had stopped and had a chicken sandwich well I got to tell you now I’m I’m a few year I’m like two three years sober you know Little Miss AA and in an instant I went to the dark side okay Not only was he not hungry after I had prepared this lavish meal but he had stopped and had a sandwich and hadn’t called me to see if I was hungry yeah and now I Can this seems funny today and it seems silly but I’m telling you it doesn’t matter doesn’t matter how big the resentment is or how important the resentment is resentment will kill me the book tells me that resentment kills more alcoholics than anything else I think that means resentment kills more alcoholics than anything else um when I’m harboring resentment I am blocked from the sunlight of the spirit the sunlight doesn’t go anywhere but I’ve pulled the blinds down and it’s dark so because people like you had taught me what to do I I wrote a little inventory and I always start inventory with a prayer and this one was help me know the truth I’m angry at Richard it’s that simple you know who am I angry at Richard why I cooked dinner and when he came home he wasn’t hungry because he had bought and eaten a chicken sandwich parenthesis he didn’t buy me one uh what does it affect the third column and um I was taught to we’ve got that little checklist in the book does it affect my emotional Security Financial Security sex relations personal relations all of that I was given some questions to ask myself now I didn’t do this with my first inventory it was more of a checklist but later on it was suggested that to really understand what drives me you know what are the fears and the insecurities that drive me I was given a series of questions to ask myself an answer in this third column well it affects my ambitions uh I had planned on a seating together those were my plans it affects my personal relations doesn’t he care enough about me to think of sharing a meal with me either the one I prepared or offering to bring home sandwiches for both of us where’s the unity in that yeah it affects it affects my emotional security I would never treat him this way what is this self-centered deal and to be emotionally secure I think I need him to think of me to think of sharing meals with me to be to feel secure and that’s the question I ask what do I think I need to feel secure and what I learned in those first three columns and by the way I don’t think format matters columns rows circles you know write inventory any way you want to write it but write inventory you know and and I went through my regimented phase where you had to write it this way or it wouldn’t work and I thank God grew out of that um it’s just important to write it it’s the experience it’s not how we write it it’s do we write it and what I get to see is is it’s not about the people it’s not about what they do it’s about how I react to it those difficulties you know when I look at what it’s affecting my plans my emotional security my relationships are all in Jeopardy because how I of how I react to this and um and then uh something that a lot of a lot of us miss I did for some time is um after we write those first three columns rows whatever we’re given another set of instructions before we look at our mistakes and on the bottom of page 66 and I think this is pivotal PIV pivotal because I’ve written the same inventory over and over any of you done that I’m resentful at because I was selfish dis and then two months later I’m resentful at it’s the same thing what happened where why can’t I get rid of this well the reason I can’t get rid of it is because I’ve been unwilling to see it from an entirely different angle and at the bottom of page 66 the book suggests that if I’m going to be free I have to be free of if I’m going to live I have to be free of anger and so it tells me we turn back to the list for it holds the key to the future we were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle that means from an angle different than I’ve ever looked at it before well the world and the people in it are often quite wrong Hallelujah I get that okay I get that what’s the different angle what’s the different angle well they tell me that um the world and its people own me and the wrongdoings of others fancied or real has the power to kill I will die because of what I think you think I will I will die because of what I think you think how can I escape Escape I can’t wish these resentments away I have to have God’s help and then they give me a course of action here’s how I’m going at first I have to ask myself am I willing to see this from an entirely different angle now I will tell you yes but oftentimes the answer of my heart is no they’re wrong darn it and that’s where I’m staying okay they’re wrong and that’s where I’m staying well when I’m suffering enough then I become willing to be free rather than right and uh and it gives me a course of action it says we realize the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick well my attitude toward that was yeah they’re sick and that’s really not the spirit of this that’s just an extension of my anger you’re wrong you know I’m holier than you you know you’re sick um I need God’s help because I can’t get to where I need to go without it but um it said though we did not like their symptoms that’s the second column and the way these disted me that’s the third column they’re just like me we are just alike and then I’m given a set of prayer and meditation and I have to take this seriously because it changes God literally turns my heart with this stuff it says and the prayer is we ask God that’s a prayer to help me show them the same tolerance pity and patience that I would cheerfully Grant a sick friend when a person offended we said to ourselves this is a sick man man or a woman how can I be helpful how can I be helpful God save me from being angry thy will be done now there are lots of wonderful prayers but the prayer that I’m given for resentment are these and um this is this is an easy one for me because so many of the people I loved have been stricken with cancer so I can I can I can go there visually I can go into the hospital room and I’m sure many of you can too and someone you love is in the hospital and they’re very ill and maybe they’re dying spiritual illness kills and maybe they’re dying you walk in and they’re grumpy and they’re irritable and and they’re just nasty you know and you’re trying to be kind and you offer a drink and they snap at you well when I’m in that situation I don’t take that personally I understand that you know their anger ah which is really fear it’s not about me it’s because they’re sick and they hurt and they’re in pain you know and they’re responding to what they feel you know and I don’t throw the pillow back and call them some vulgar name yeah no I understand that they’re sick and this isn’t about me and I am able to treat them with tolerance and compassion you know cheerfully treat a sick friend and I you know get them water and I bring them flowers and I let them know I love them and um I’ve got the kind of arrogance um me you a real alcoholic who just roared through the lives of others thought only of myself you know and in sobriety you know I’m relieved of a disease that was killing me and in sobriety I will get out my spiritual superiority and look down at you and not understand that we are all spiritually broken that we all suffer you know that what you’re doing to me isn’t what you’re doing to me uh people very rarely do things to us we do things for ourselves so I need to sit in meditation I need God’s help I need God to help me look at this from an entirely different angle I need to pray these prayers and I even have a little I’ve taken all the prayers and I write them out and I ask myself how God how can I I show this person compassion and I sit with that meditation and if something comes I jot it down what would that look like you know a vision of God’s will um what would tolerance look like you know and if I sit with that meditation some pretty cool things begin to happen God turns my heart and I begin to understand that this isn’t about me this isn’t about me and um sometimes sometimes uh the question how can I be helpful the answer quite often is forgive yeah forgive Let It Go you release the debt Let It Go I’m given um save me from being angry my anger is killing me it’s not hurting you yeah thy will be done thy will be done do I mean it can I mean it and then then I’m given a look some uh Direction on what not to do avoid retaliation or argument I want to reach out I want to hurt you back I want to argue I want you to know how you’re wrong yeah and and I’m told to avoid that I don’t treat sick people that way and I’m also told I can’t be helpful to all people but at the very least and here’s a promise at the very least God will show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and everyone well that’s not going to happen for me unless I engage in this prayer and meditation you know I can’t I am as powerless over what I think and feel as I ever was over a drink I’m as power I mean I just cannot control what I think or feel however I have access to a power I can take different action you know I can take different action and I I firmly believe today that my spiritual condition is in no way related to what I think or what I feel I used to think if it felt good it was good if it felt bad it’s bad that’s not true yeah and what I understand today is that my spiritual condition is not gauged by how I feel my spiritual condition is gauged by what I do and you’ve seen these people you know they show up to help regardless of how they feel yeah they show up to help regardless of what they think of you you know it’s the action you know it’s the action that uh is a manifestation of our spiritual condition not our feelings not our thinking trust me I when you’re holding the hand of someone who’s dying you don’t feel good but if you’re able to be present and hold the hand of someone who’s dying because they’re dying you know it’s not about me yeah that’s a spiritually fit condition and we don’t have to feel good to be spiritually fit yeah the um um so anyway this little set of prayer and meditation to look at it from an entirely different angle with Richard in this dinner Fiasco uh I sat and did that prayer and meditation and what I wrote out was he and I are both spiritually sick we both react to past patterns we’re both self-centered and here’s where the truth began to be revealed you know what he had absolutely no reason to expect me to cook none none whatsoever I hadn’t told him I was going to cook he can’t read my mind and guess what he was hungry and he ate well now isn’t that honest and he was he was honest I was the one you know with the hidden agenda you know I was the one who didn’t tell him I was cooking it was going to be a surprise you know the um so I you know I got free I got free he didn’t he didn’t go out and get a chicken sandwich in order to hurt my feelings he was just living an honest life um my mistakes I was dishonest if I’d known he was going to eat I wouldn’t have cooked I wouldn’t have I wasn’t cooking because I was hungry I was cooking for his response yeah and if a girlfriend had come by and had already eaten I would not have had that reaction CU I wasn’t looking for that response from her okay the um and so I got free I got free just a little thing but but it’s amazing how just a few moments of of prayer meditation and inventory will literally set us free you know and I went from living in the dark back into the sunlight yeah and that’s that’s a wonderful way to live and I haven’t I mean there were there are times when I can take that stuff and it can occupy days and weeks and months of my time yeah it’s just phenomenal the um the fear inventory uh the book talks about how fear touches every aspect of Our Lives you know at the beginning I just didn’t connect with that but I do now and I’m so grateful for that and when I write that fourth column that last column of resentment inventory and I answer those questions where was I selfish where was I dishonest self-seeking I was told to self selfish is it’s mine and you can’t have it self-seeking is it’s yours and I want it and dishonesty uh for me my greatest areas of dishonesty or in what I don’t say you know I won’t let you know you can’t respond to what you don’t know and I’m not telling it’s horrible it’s really and it’s tough to have have open honest loving Intimate Relationships if you’re not telling the uh you know and fear well when I write resentment inventory after I get that last column done I highlight all the fears because that’s where I’m going to go resentment is just fear wearing a different dress and what I want to get at are the fears and so I take those fears and I start my fear inventory and the book says you know we listed our fears so I start with what I found in resentment and then I ask myself do I have any others because often times I have fears that aren’t connected to any resentment and then uh it it asks us um why do we have them and then wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us well I answer the question why do I have them so I can get to the root of the the fear um he lied to me you know and and that I’m afraid you know I mean this I’ve done this inventory but uh what am I afraid well I’m afraid if he lies to me I can’t believe him okay well why does that why do I have that fear well if I can’t believe him then I can’t really know well why am I afraid of not really knowing because if I can’t really know see I’ve got to get inside his mind you know I’ve got I’ve got to know exactly what he’s feeling and thinking and if I don’t I’m scared to death that it won’t be real you know and if it’s not real then I’m a fool and I’ve wasted all my time so I have to ask these questions and get to the root fear and then I have to ask myself the next question which is most important wasn’t it because self-reliance failed me what does that mean what’s self-reliance I have to know what self-reliance is before I can ask the question does it fail me so I have to ask myself okay what have I been relying upon to address this fear well I supervise a lot of his actions pay close attention to what he’s doing who he’s talking to who he’s looking at how they’re looking back um it’s a beautiful way to live I question a lot you know we’ll have the little Inquisition at the end of the day and what she say and what you say and what you think and what they feel and and doesn’t that make for a lovely atmosphere of unity the um so I look at all the ways I try to manage this yeah I look at all the ways I try to manage this did it work am I without the fear no no no I’m not in fact I’m just more frustrated and more frightened because I don’t know so I ask myself did self-reliance fail me and when I answer those questions I get to see how I’m trying to manage my life again and how unmanageable my life is and see I I’m I leak I forget you know this information comes in I’ve got it I get it and 10 minutes later it’s gone you know because here I am I’m in control again it says that um uh self-reliance just doesn’t go far enough and perhaps there’s a better way a better way than what a better way than a better way than me running my life you it just takes me deeper really into my third step to decision cuz I get to see by the middle of fear inventory oh yeah I do play God here’s what I’m doing here’s what I’m doing and here’s how I’m doing it and it’s not working yeah so am I interested in a better way sometimes sometimes not sometimes I’ve just got to get the bigger Hammer I’m just being honest and I’m not always aware that I’m doing that when I do it um and then I wonder well anyway when when I am interested in a better way that that second paragraph there on page 68 tells me exactly what it’s all about this different basis of living is the basis of trusting and relying upon God and there’s a period there and for the longest time I didn’t see the period And I thought it was trust and rely upon God to make it turn out okay my way that’s what I need I need this to turn out okay which is my way okay and there’s a period and then it goes on to say we trust infinite God rather than our finite selves what does that mean infinite God infinite God I can’t even grasp infinite I can’t I can’t get my mind around it finite self yeah I cannot see past that door yeah I believe the god of my understanding can see past the door around the corner down the block yeah it’s beyond me I mean it’s God you know it’s beyond me so I’m going to to trust something I can’t understand nor Define more importantly I’m going to stop trusting me the the bottom line here is I don’t know when I can get to the place of I don’t know thank you as long as I know I’m in trouble you as long as I think I know what you need what I need what we need to be okay I’m running the show the moment I get to I don’t know there’s room for God’s will so am I willing to just trust the unknown you this is where I begin to develop faith and exercise faith and then I’m told we talk about God’s will all the time but we don’t know what it is and I’m told right here why I’m in the world I am in the world to play the role he ass signs this suggests to me that I am created specifically because there’s a role for me the role he assign I’m you know the actor I want to take care I’ve actually got a role if I’ll pay attention and uh and I really believe that we are created because there is a role for us to play am I interested in that well if I am it tells me there’s another promise that just to the extent that I do as I think God would have me and humbly rely on him rather than my intellect am I going to be able to match Calamity with Serenity doesn’t say that my life’s going to be nothing but Serenity it says that I will be able to respond to Calamity with Serenity which I never did bring on the drama bring on the trauma we’ll sing we’ll dance we’ll shout we’ll run in circles you know we’ll get crazy together um and to the extent I’m relying upon God I get to respond to all of that differently the um and I used to believe that this uh role that God assigned was like this big plan like five 10 year plan who I’m going to marry where I’m going to live what I’m going to do big plan and I wanted to know the big plan now what I’ve come to believe and this is Linda this is not the big book what I’ve come to believe is the role that God assigns isn’t about next year or 5 years from now or even tomorrow the role God assigns me is right here right now in the present you know this moment you know wherever I am whoever I’m with what is your role for me here now because it really is the only thing that’s real right here right now and when I’m willing to become aware of and seek that it’s a beautiful life and I don’t have to live a life of distraction which is how I normally live you know I’m consumed consumed with the past and my resentments about the past or I’m consumed with my the future and my fears about the future and I miss what’s real I miss right here right now the um so I’m here because he’s got a role for me and if I’ll seek it right here right now I’ll be able to respond to Calamity with Serenity and I don’t have to I have to I can stop apologizing the promises go on I can stop apologizing for depending upon my Creator talks about in this last paragraph that the verdict of the ages is faith means courage all women and men of Faith have courage it takes a whole lot of courage and Faith to trust God for what I do next rather than your approval and I’ve lived My Life acting so that I get your approval and when I begin to shift from that to following a god of my understanding understanding that I’m not always going to be on target but I’m willing to go there um you’re not always going to like me you’re not always going to approve but that’s Freedom that is freedom when I can live my life and knowing that as long as I’m okay with a god of my understanding I don’t have to be okay with you you know I’m free you’re free can believe what we want think what you want feel what you want I don’t have to play God anymore I don’t have to control what you think about me it’s huge it’s absolutely huge uh it is the beginning of the fourth dimension it’s huge and um it goes on in that paragraph to say again twice we don’t apologize for God which means I don’t have to justify my actions to you anymore I don’t have to make you understand ah I just don’t it says instead we let God demonstrate through us what he can do you so it’s about God it’s not even about us then we’re given another prayer we ask him to remove our fear and the meditation is to direct our attention to what he would have us be and then the promise is that at once not tomorrow at once we begin to outgrow fear and you know I’m sometimes slowly and so when I first started saying this prayer I wanted him to I wanted him to direct my attention to what he would have me do what do you want me to do and it’s not do it’s be and when I sit quietly and I pray that prayer and I ask God what would you have me be and I listen something comes and if it’s be happy then the doing is easy I just do it happily if it’s be calm then the doings is easy I just do it calmly uh you know whatever it is you know if we just begin to practice sitting in the Stillness um the answers are within you we just have to let them come and I think it’s probably time for a break so 10 minutes lunch lunch oh I’m sorry okay well I should put my glasses on more often all right lunch okay thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day