Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.

Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. And now that brings me to the introduction of our first speaker.

I met Lindsay in 2007 at a CA meeting in in in Sandy Springs. And this she came with my my buddy Carl and she was very timid. If you know Lindsay, that's not a word you use to describe Lindsay right now.

She was very reserved and she she didn't say much. And then some time passed where I didn't see her and then I I don't maybe Alpharetta room or somewhere and the girl was on fire. And then I got to know her and uh she's on fire for this program and she can touch the hardcore person, but she can also touch the people that aren't hardcore like some of us are.

and she's able to connect with them. She sponsors a lot of ladies. She carries this message out of this big book.

I love when she shows up at our home group and I I I love having her around. I really do. When she's not there, I I truly miss her and I love her.

And I give you Lindsay I just called him red. I'm sorry. I can't.

That's just too much. Oh, there's a lot. Okay.

Hi everyone. I'm Lindsay. I'm an alcoholic.

Um, and I I remember when I want to thank you so much for asking me to do this for everyone setting this up. I remember when Terrick called me to ask me if I'd speak. And not going to lie, anyone that's kind of asked me to do anything in the last 2 years, I've been highly confused because um I've just like had totally lost my mind off and on half the time.

So people ask me to do things, I'm like, "Wait, you want you really want me to speak somewhere?" Because I don't know what's going to fly out of my mouth. Like could just get weird. I might start crying.

Like I don't know um what's going to happen, but I know that. and I didn't even know if I was going to be able to make it, but um creator had a fit. I made it.

So, um I grew up in North Carolina and honestly it wasn't until about a year ago I was sitting with this awesome guy and we were doing like a fistep thing and um a fist wasn't really a thing. It was just a footstep. And he uh he was we pointed something out in the book that I like I think I knew but I never really like knew.

But he was like um he said Lindsay where I was telling them my life story. And he said our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like um what happened and what we're like now. And we talked about that for a long time.

I don't really know why, but it stuck with me because so much of um the illness that I suffer from is what I used to be like, you know, and then there's all that stuff that happened and happens and then there's where I'm at currently. So, we we we talked about this word be and for me to talk to you what I'm supposed to be like or what I used to be like, whatever. And um I grew up in North Carolina and it it's pretty common.

And I didn't realize, I don't know if anyone else had this experience. I quite did at times when when I was first new coming in and and people were talking about like, "Oh, I felt so different and all that." And I totally got that. Like I really identified with that.

Um, but how it kind of I experienced it was very much like this. Um, and I've experienced this in untreated alcoholism and you know before I even knew what this deal was. But so there's me and then there's just all of you.

You know there's all these other people but then there's just me. And that's an incredible thing that um a wonderful thing happened to me when I was when I first drank. Um because from that first actually not the first time I drank cuz the first time I drank to be honest I didn't really get drunk because I was in middle school and I was like trying to be really cool and um I wanted to act like I could hold my liquor.

You know what I'm saying? Like I was just like really too cool. So I was just in the corner acting like I was like just I already hold my liquor.

I know what I'm doing. I'm not going to look like an idiot. And I didn't really get drunk.

I just sipped on some like weird drink all night and like was like that was so cool. I'm so cool. I'm so cool.

Yes, I have to be cool. And um but the first time I got drunk, the wildest thing happened. And I didn't even know it.

It's not like I like at the time knew what was going on. I had no clue was going. All I knew was that I'm a badass and this is what I do and this is awesome.

Pretty simple stuff, you know? I mean, there's nothing is actually very profound, but it wasn't at the time. It's not like But it was like it was gnarly.

I just knew that I was um I loved it every second. Of course, ended up puking like on the ceiling and all that type of stuff. Um totally did it again.

And you know, to be honest, through high school, I fortunately had a good gig. Um I went I was able to have like this hour and a half break in between these two schools that I went to. So, I'm having a problem getting to class.

I mean, you got all this time, you know, and you know, it was not a big deal. But I drank a lot and I did a lot of drugs through high school. I got in trouble.

I did all that. But whatever, you know, it is what it is. It's no big deal.

You get in trouble, get out of trouble, just get in and out of trouble. That's just what happens, you know? I don't know what else to say.

Like, I drank a lot. You know what I mean? Like, I drank all the time before school, during school, after school.

You know what I'm saying? This is what you do. You just like drink all the time.

And um but and I didn't see it at all. Like I had a my parents threatened to put me in um put me somewhere. I don't even know where.

I just know I had to calm myself out of that real quick and u made all these promises. Got you know a little better. And um and then when I was 18 um was the first time I got caught drinking and driving, you know, and fortunately kind of like weasled my way out of that too a little bit so I didn't get in a lot of trouble.

But I did have this long stern talk from the PE units, the parents, the parentals. You know, they're like, "Lindsay, like this is like not okay. Like this is getting bad.

Like, you know, you got a big future ahead of you. Like we don't want you to throw it away." And I'm like, "God, you're right." But I really did believe they were right because because by this time, like I really want to be rich. So, I mean, like I'm trying to get a lot of money and you know, I got my dad and my mom telling me that you're not going to make any money if you keep this up.

Like, you know, I'm like, "God, you're right." So, and I just, you know, I went all out from 14 to 18, you know, I'm like, you know, so I was like, you know, this is good. And I had this talk. I was like, this is good.

I'm going to quit drinking. Um, I don't want to drink anymore. I don't want to party.

I don't want to be that chick anymore cuz I'm a d like people still come to me and like ask for pot on only a daily basis. Like I I just look like someone who gets like up and I've always had this demeanor like I get up, man. And um and it's not it's not a joke, you know, like even in high school people were like a little early don't you think?

I'm like what? Really? When was it late?

I don't there's no distinction there. So, I was like, "All right, all right. This is going to get good.

I'm going to go to school. I'm going to go to college. Not going to drink, be like a straight A student.

So, I'm going to get out of school, get an awesome job, and make a piles of money." I mean, I'm talking so much money, I can't even handle it. That's the biggest goal. I just want to make some money and like be a different person and not like do that.

And I thought I was like had to get older, too, like mature or something like that. So, I don't know. Whatever.

I mean, I believed it though. I really did. And I went off to college and of course immediately I try hanging out with these people like that live on like the dorm.

We didn't get along. I didn't know what I was like. But then I attracted my people.

Uh they attracted me whatever. So I'm hanging out and they're like going hard. And I and I was like no I don't drink.

I quit. They're like really you quit drinking. I'm like oh yeah I don't do that anymore.

I'm like I'm I'm trying to get good grades, you know? I mean I'm trying to really do the deal here. And they're like oh okay.

It was a few months like I mean I didn't drink for four months, three, four months or something and I mean they were you know going hard you know and I'm just like no I don't do that. Uh-uh. No way.

No for me. And the wildest thing it was just one night I'm hanging out um hanging out with him and it wasn't like I even thought about it. I really didn't.

It wasn't even like I thought like I miss drinking so much. which I miss. But I'll tell you one thing, I felt about it.

I mean, I like tensed about it. I um it starts to wear, you know, and I didn't know none of this was conscious, you know what I'm saying? Like sometimes I'll tell my story and it sounds like this was like like I knew what was going on and no clue what was going on.

I just now I can see what was really going on a little clearer and communicated a little bit. Um but I'm hanging out with everybody like a normal night just saying no. And the wildest thing happened.

They're doing a lot of stuff and they offered me a shot and I was just like, "Oh yeah." And took it. But there wasn't anything that was like, you know, this is going to get bad because honestly at that time, I mean, I went through some rough stuff, but it wasn't it wasn't that bad. But I didn't think twice about it was the point.

I didn't think like, oh, I haven't drank in 4 months and doing really good well now. I'm like hanging out with my parents or anything like that. I was like, and um it didn't take that long after that.

Something happened around that time when I turned around that 18 after that. Um, it was a whole different ballgame. It was wild because to be honest, I think when I was in high school, I had some power.

You know, if it was a if it was a weekday night and my mom called me and said, "Come home now." And I was out, you know, drinking, smoking pot, whatever, I could go home at that time if I was like 16. After this time, that didn't happen again from that time. So something shifted and I don't know why but uh I know why now but you know at the time I didn't know what what was going to happen and my drinking increased dramatically very fast.

Um, so around about a year after that, I um called my mom and um told her that I needed some help, you know, because bunch of shit's gone down, you know, it's getting really rough out here in the hollers of West Virginia. And and I'm convinced cuz that's where I was living. It was fascinating.

But I was convinced that my life was so bad. And I mean, this is re I mean, I was like 100%. I call I called my mom like, "Oh, they cut me off by the way.

that that already happened like a year ago, too. They were like, "We we're not dealing with this anymore. You got to go.

Bye-bye." So, I was kind of finning for myself, not doing a very good job at it. Um, so I called my mom and was like, "Mom, I really need some help. I need to see a therapist or a psychologist.

Um, cuz I'm drinking a lot and it's it's it's not it's not okay." And um, and I need some help. And I really think that if I saw a therapist or like a psychologist, then I wouldn't drink as much. then I could get my together.

She said, "Oh, yeah, that's great." Um, not great. I don't know what she said, but she said something like, "Okay, I hear you." Um, that was a bad I made a bad eye. That was a bad idea.

So, I had to change my I changed my mind about that and realized that that was a little dramatic. I don't need to like quit drinking. I don't need a psychologist.

That plan is got to go. So, you know, and I called her like, "Don't even worry about it. I'm doing great.

Like, this is back on track. got my little, you know, pretend drug deal game going on. I really didn't do good at, but I pretended to.

So, everything's back to normal. But the wild thing is is it it it it's the wildest thing. It's like I'll get really rough and and drinking will be a lot and then I'll hit some sort of like, damn, this is I need some help with this.

This is bad, you know? So, let me call for help. And then I'll do something like kind of like get my together again.

And then I'm like, "Okay, we're good again." And then it's like this, and I don't ever see what's going on. So, time passes, it doesn't get any better, just let you know, if you're wondering. Um, it's not really getting any better.

Um, and I was living with someone and I some consequences happened. Got kicked out of some places to live. Um, and I finally called my folks again.

I was like, "Okay, this is I'm for serious this time. Like, this time's real. I really do need some help." you know, after the other call was a joke.

This is a real time, you know, I didn't get it. So, they um I told they they were like, "If you're going to live with us, you can't drink. You can't be doing that mess." You know what I'm saying?

You can't be doing all this crazy that you do. I was like, "All right, I won't do any of that crazy stuff." So, um and I thought I was going to do a lot better. I said the whole thing again to therapist.

So, I went and saw them 3 days later or like 3 days later I was drinking. Um, I wasn't supposed to do that. I'm never supposed to do that thing.

And I was drinking. And uh, and I thought it was going good. I really did.

I really thought I was doing good. I had a good job. Thought I was getting a lot better.

Found some dry goods. Evan says, "Oh my god, dry goods that helped me manage all this life and drinking." And um, and then it happened again. And it was the weirdest thing.

I can't believe like two cars later um total some cars have all these consequences but they're slightly irrelevant um and had an intervention for my work. None of it really impacted me. Like in the moment I think it did and then I'd forget.

It's the wildest thing. So baffling. And I um one night I uh I was working this job.

I told myself I would never drink with the people I worked with. the employees and of course I did like shocker and um we went out one night and the intention was by this time I made insane plans to try to keep this deal together because I don't know what it is about me and booze man but when I drink one it's like one shot or six shots I'm out black out that's like a major problem for someone like me it's it's so I'm trying to like drink other thing I'm trying to get it get it together it's not working very well issues arise And all I know is that this one night I went out and um I wasn't supposed to go out with them. You know, they're like I never go out for drinks at noon with people I work with.

I go out for drinks at noon, but not with people I work with. For some reason, I said, "Yeah." And I I never forget it. I was like, "I'm just going to have they have like margaritas on sale.

I get a margarita." Then LIT sounded really nice. And then um I got a beer and I don't remember anything else. Shocker.

That always happened. This isn't weird. Like I just get used to this, you know?

It's kind of like the alcoholic life is the only normal in the doctor's opinion. Not only when I was drinking, the only life I ever knew was this thing that this thing, you know, the itch, the like uncomfortability, the it's the wildest thing. So, I didn't know any of that and I drank and and I ended up toing another car and total cars before.

It's whatever, you know. Oopsies. I'm so sorry about that.

And I total this car and it was the wildest thing. I asked for my mom for help again. And um and I I went back in and out of conscious.

We got out of the hospital. She was like, "Oh, we found this great place. We're going to send you this dream place.

It's going to be great." And um I went But the thing was is I knew I don't know what happened. Whatever happened that night, I don't know why or any of that stuff. Um well, by the grace.

But that night, um 42307, that was it. That's when I was the Friday date. 4207.

that night. Um, I don't know what it was. It I knew with every cell fiber being in my body that it wasn't the depression.

It wasn't me being sad. It wasn't what state I was living in. It wasn't who I was with.

Um, for the first time, I knew that if I drank again, I was going to die. I don't know why, but I knew that I was going to drink. I knew that if I drank again, I would die.

Um, or I would kill someone else. Um, because I have this thing where I drink and I lose all control. And I don't know why, but that's what happens.

So they shipped me off to this treatment and the wildest thing was I was there and I was extremely desperate. I would have done anything anybody told me to do, but I didn't talk to anybody cuz I did I would do what I'm like knew to do, which is like kind of like, "Hey, I'm hi." Um, but on the inside, I'm dying. And I didn't even know that this was like and it really wasn't until I figured out what alkalism was and I knew what was going on.

But I've been there for a while about like 2 3 weeks and I'm going nuts. Like it's extremely uncomfortable. So at night at night I would sit up and I would pour a little bit of apple juice into these little cups and I would drink it trying just praying to reproduce the effect of alcohol.

you know, I would chug Red Bulls back to back in the car and I would drink them like I drank a beer. You know, I was just and I didn't know I didn't know I didn't tell anybody about this. Um I never said anything cuz that's kind of weird, you know?

I'm literally at a kitchen table listening to some like kind of sad music drinking sips of apple juice pretending and really hoping and praying that the Red Bull or the apple juice is going to give me something. But I know I don't want to drink. So, it's this fascinating thing where I know if I'm drink I'm going to die, but all I want to do is drink.

And thank God this woman told me to go talk. And it happened to me. It's Carl.

He's here. But, um, she said, "You need to talk to this guy, Carl." And, um, and I didn't really talk to anybody or told anybody was really going on. I'm just over here trying to get drunk off apple juice.

And uh I got and and the wildest thing happened is um he uh I told him that I was at this thing at the treatment center and I just told him, "Man, I'm dying. All I want to do is drink, but I can't drink. It's I can't drink, but all I want to do is drink." And he said, "Get that." And um and then he took me and we met up and he took me through the big book.

And um and I I remember some part there's one part though that really that I'll never forget and I don't know if it was worded right but we're going through the book and I'd never identified with anyone before. We were going through the book and um he said the problem Lindsay is that you're I think we're on page 21. I'm assuming that's what it was.

Uh no choice. He said I I'm sorry to tell you Lindsay but you're you're going to drink again. You know I'm like and but I was dead serious.

I was like, "No, man." Cuz I was desperate. You know what I'm saying? That kind of desperate where I'm telling people that are goofing off an infatation to shut up, you know?

I'm like, "I'm dying over." I'm like, you know, a little little slightly dramatic, but that's kind of how I got like I was like, and he was like, "But you're going to drink again." Um, he's like, "That's the problem is that you're going to drink again." And I'm like, "But no man, you don't get it. I'm really serious this time. this time is real and I mean it and it's it's I'm not doing it again.

He was like, "That's the thing. You know, you're going to you're drink again cuz you'll forget that. I'm sure you meant it the last time and the time before that." And you might only That's the thing is like I'd wake up like can't believe I did it again wanting to rip my eyeballs out cuz I'm somewhere I don't even know where I am.

And um and in that moment I don't ever I'm like dying. I hate this. I don't ever want to do this again.

And and I mean it could be like 1 second later and it's gone. It could be two days later, you know, two that always he's like, "You're always going to forget. You'll always forget and you'll always drink again." And the only shot you got's God.

And my experience was this. I really didn't care. That was it.

I was like, "All right, man." He told me to pray and I did. Um awkwardly under my covers at the halfway house cuz I didn't want to look like a loser. Uh I really did.

And I thought I was People think I'm a weirdo. Um cuz I thought that was weird, you know, to pray. But I did.

I really did. Um and it absolutely was a huge one of the biggest shifts in my entire life. You know, he told me the truth.

And so um after that, I um got really into this book. I was blown away. So, I got a half, got a computer, and got headphones and like did research and listened to Joe and Charlie by myself and like made notes and like got really geeky.

Um, and the wildest thing happened, I didn't really have a teacher. I didn't really, you know, um, took a while to get through steps. I had a sponsor and that took a while, but ended up the wildest thing happened.

Like, I got a little bit of time and at the beginning I love being sober, you know what I mean? I really woke up. I had a really powerful experience.

And so I loved being sober and then I really didn't like being sober. Um cuz this thing would happen where I was like going to meetings all the time and then I found myself I'd go to a meeting and sit in the meeting and I'd leave the meeting and just like just and then I'd wake up, go to work, get home, take a nap, go to a meeting, go home, go to bed, wake up, go to work, get home, take a nap, go to a meeting, go to bed, wake up, go someone like me, that work, you know, I remember just like I had absolute I didn't understand what was going on. I mean, I'm going to my meeting.

I didn't understand it. But I was going crazy. Absolutely uncomfortable.

Um didn't tell any couldn't felt like I couldn't tell anybody because people were like, "What? You shouldn't be going crazy. You're going to meetings, you know, I'm doing the deal." Like got sponses like should be going crazy.

And I was on a roller coaster for a while. I was on that roller coaster just at the whims of whatever, you know. Um, one day I'm very grateful to be sober, the next day I would, um, rather disappear.

I didn't necessarily want to drink. I'd rather just disappear into thin air. So, as if I never existed, so I don't have to explain or take responsibility of anything.

Um, and then another amazing thing happened. Um, some cool experiences, another powerful experience where, um, ran into Carl again. Uh, shocker.

Uh, and he was like, "All right." So, I think I had about 3 years or four years or something. I can't remember. Somewhere around there.

And um there's a lot going on, man. I was thirsty for a new experience. Um and I'm very honored and blessed to have to have had a new one and we went through together and um my spirit woke up again.

And that's what's interesting about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous in my experience is that um wait, I had to what? 8:15. >> Uhhuh.

>> Okay. >> Okay. Sometimes reading a clock I have to look like a lot at it.

Um is that I'm very blessed because you know the I had a very powerful first step experience and it allowed me to be very open and took all the suggestions. Um and to be honest, my first rounds of a mentor is quite awkward because I didn't really have any like guidance. But I'm like doing the thing was I was willing as hell to do whatever it was.

And when I went through this third time, um I got in touch with things about myself through the process of the steps that um really helped shape and evolve my relationship with my creator. And I didn't know the thing is I really wasn't in touch with what I saw. I wasn't really in touch with alcoholism.

You know, I was very clear at that time that when alcohol goes in my body because that's something I didn't I never got that like how come when I drink like I don't Like how come if I would have given you like like my right leg to be able to just control the amount I took, you know? I didn't understand why when I drank um I didn't understand what this loss of control was with this cr I didn't get that until I, you know, got in the rooms. I didn't know what that what was going on with that.

I thought I was just like weird. I am weird, but it just kind of occurred to me that I am kind of weird and that we are a separate class. Um, but I'm grateful because that that experience really set me off again and to be able to be very effective for other alcoholics and other addicts and and to help a lot of people.

Um then the wildest thing happened, you know, like life happened for a while and um I had this this past few years why my creator is so wonderful and why I sometimes don't even like it's kind of wild, but I've never I've always had things come up and I understand untreated alcoholism because I'll do some pretty nasty things sober and I'll get really sad sober, you know, and I'll get very angry and very anxious and um all of these things, but nothing like quite hit me as the past couple years. Um I had just one of those things happened, guys. My heart was just gone through a meat grinder.

Um in fact, I remember the day cuz I've always fortunately I've been I've been surrounded by a lot of very very wonderful, powerful, loving people. my creator seen that fit for me and I just cannot I'm very blessed for that and I can't know if I'd be standing here without it especially this past two years. Um cuz around 5 years um my heart just got like crumbled up, tossed around like in a meat grinder stepped all over like spit back out.

And this is the wildest thing is that like um the first through all of that pain like a lot of pain um in fact the first person I think I called or texted I think it was Scott like really in the morning cuz I had a conversation with him and we were he was like well you know Lindsay you got to be bamboo you know it weathers a storm. He's like super loving super loving and like and I love you know I love it. I was like, "Yeah." And I'm like, "Fuck bamboo.

This is like I can't be bamboo anymore." You know, bamboo's off in the wind. Like gone. Like I'm nothing but a weed, you know, like done.

And um and then I call on Ter. And and this is something that had been read and I'd known like really logically and this is a huge part of it's really like kind of shape this past few years and good and bad. Whatever you want to call it, it's not really good and bad.

just painful or not. Um is it called tear and he said well if if what the big book says is true if the promise in the big book which you know I've always been told that this is one of the greatest promises all of our problems are our making um if that is true then thank God but this time it really had to be true. It really had to be true.

And it was the greatest gift um because um I got to truly experience that, you know, like that. Um all the things. It's kind of like comfortable.

I'm like kind of comfortable, right? Imagine being comfortable and then like your legs kind of get cut off and that's not comfortable. It's kind of how it felt, you know?

I'm very uncomfortable. And um the neat thing about this, it actually pushed me way harder into my relationship with God and my disciplines in 10, 11, and 12. So I did a lot of spiritual work and um and then the wildest thing happened.

I like lost my completely honest is the most painful time. I uh was really face to face with um you know what the deal is, you know, like everything lost for me. I literally lost my mind.

And one thing I'm really grateful for is that uh people around me just allow me to be exactly where I was. You know, I got to reook in my first step. Am I a real alcoholic?

You know, I got sober young. I was 21 when I got sober. Um am I a real alcoholic?

And thank God um a friend of mine got me in touch with someone and I'm so grateful for that because I don't know if anyone else would have been able to handle my ass because I was I've always had very a lot of willingness throughout my sobriety and it's been a blessing. I'm gifted. You know, I've been blessed with a lot of willingness to do a lot of work and always have very disciplined for two years.

I don't think I missed a beat with morning meditation or a nightly review or morning review or or anything. And um with this the thing I thought was inconceivable. I used to I hear meetings if someone would say you know I put a every time I pray or do I put a spiritual penny in the piggy bank and after this experience I'm like damn I don't even get a piggy bank.

Like it's like I lost my mind and I couldn't pray, couldn't meditate and within 3 weeks I'm nuts. Nuts. I'm talking I can't even get up to get to work on time, you know.

Um I can't make it to work. Oh yeah. Everything went my life literally just started crumbling around me and there's like absolutely nothing I could do about it.

And then that's when I really for me my experience it just kept on bringing me back to this first step. When I wanted to or not, it did. And I didn't know that majority of that whole entire time I've been sober, I'd been taking a lot of credit.

And I never knew it. I never knew it. That I've been taking credit for my willingness um for the fact that I get up and I do morning meditation every day and I get up and I do this and I take these meetings and I do this for people.

And I would say I guess logically, but there's something that was just an experience I had to have, you know, and um it was wonderful cuz I'm clear as day. There's something I'm very crystal clear about today. Um, after all the long road of a lot of pain, a lot of suffering, because for someone like me who loves God a lot, I'm very clear of the conscious consciousness that draws all through all of us, you know, all this cool stuff.

Someone that loves God a lot, to have that ripped away from me and not being able to snap my fingers and bring it back because I know it works and I know it's actually really powerful and I can't just make myself get back into it is really painful. And it was very painful cuz if I could I would you know so it was something I really did get really in touch with for me um that it's my experience is all about the grace and it's all about God period you know um my willingness to wake up in the morning my willingness to pray during the day my willingness to call someone else my willingness to sit down with another alcoholic my willingness to write inventory is 100% as a result of my creator and I'm grateful for every little thing because for a long time I couldn't meditate when I wanted to. I would go past my meditation chair and be like, "Oh, yeah, right." And even when I'd sit down in it, it was just such resistance.

There's just so much uh pain, resentment, fear, you know, that my illness is rooted in all that stuff. And it came back with its head rearing. Um and um so I'm very clear today that everything and sometimes not always, but sometimes totally forget.

story. But when I'm awake to it, um I'm very clear that this whole thing, you know, me being separated from alcohol in the day that I was, me still being sober today when I really didn't want to be sober today. Trust me, my little I mean for real, it is painful for someone like me to not be to have conscious contact can get really painful, you know, and I and then I couldn't even make myself pray.

I couldn't even make and I've never balked on inventory, y'all. I never balked on separate. I balked hard on everything, you know, and it sucked cuz if I've had an experience with the 12 steps, my spirit has woken up, fallen back to sleep, woken up, and I've loved this journey.

It's been up and down, but man, from the bottom of my heart, I have never experienced anything like this. And I'm grateful I have people in my life that allow me to be exactly where I was. They didn't try to change me.

They didn't tell me I was an idiot. They didn't tell me, "You need to get it together." They just were there. And they let me be very honest.

And that was that, you know. So, I'm very very grateful for that experience cuz I'm just really crystal clear. I'm no different than anybody else.

We all just little kids running around real scared, you know, with a real deadly, creepy, nasty like illness attached to it. It's sneaky. My my f my favorite speakers, Delena, and she says, I love her.

She is greasy. She fat meat is greasy. It'll clog your arteries and knock your heart out.

She says it all gnarly. I'm not as gnarly as she is, but I love her and I get that. And um and and currently today um it was the wildest thing.

And I remember getting really excited from someone who do like 25 minutes in the morning, 30 minutes at night meditation, lots of writing, lots of reading to someone that like for me I could barely say a prayer for like this wasn't like oh that was cute for 3 months. Like I'm going on a long period of time and I'm just somehow make it to the meetings. Somehow I'm still working with people.

I don't know where any of this stuff comes from and I'm clear where it comes from now. Um, but it really got me rude, like rrooted into an absolutely new experience in my creator, you know, because I'm like, I'll never be as spiritual as I was back then. I don't feel the same.

I don't feel like I have the same light. I don't feel like all these things, but um cool cuz it's not supposed to be like that anyways, you know. Um, it just is what it is.

I'm having a completely new experience in my creator and that's currently what he went through the steps. um golf 10 11 and 12. Um I'm working with two and a half newcomers right now.

The havsy because we don't really know where she appeared to but we'll find out soon. I'm sure one of them I do a fifth step next week and then another one we start at the beginning of the book. Um and and I I I'm ultimately grateful that um that I could do this cuz it's not this my experience with alcohol synonyms is wonderful and it's beautiful.

I'm very very free today and I'm mostly uncomfortable a lot and if there's one thing besides like uh being very crystal clear that dude all like I used to get frustrated with people when they wouldn't do the work you know or whatever and I'm just and it's it's grateful I'm very like all this experiences has just helped me to be more effective for another alcoholic that's it and it's allowed me to get closer to my creator I believe that's just all that ever ends up happening because I'm going to fall asleep again I'm going to go nuts again going to lose my mind I'm going to be very light and fun. I'm going to be very sad. All that shit's going to continue to happen.

Um, and I'm really grateful my creators kept me around for it. I don't really have anything like pretty much that that kind of simple. Um, you know, and that's why I'm like, you know, I don't know.

I don't have anything really special. I do know that I was sitting in this meeting and uh it's like this old guy in the back um he was I don't even know I don't even know it was I can't even remember but he referenced a page in the book and I've read it a lot since then and it probably makes sense but it's out of the family afterward and I yeah it says everybody knows those in bad health and those who seldom play do not laugh. Okay, I'll probably read that again.

Everybody knows that those in bad health and those who seldom play do not laugh much. So let each family play together or separately as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free.

We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a value of te a veil sorry a veil of tears through it once was just that for many of us but it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. avoid them, the deliberate manufacturer of misery.

But if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate his opport omnipotence. Which is kind of funny cuz someone like me laughs at crap like that because I'll be like very cynical and be like opportun cheerfully what you know cheerfully. Um but it's very similar to not all of our problems of our own making and because of the 12 steps continuing to be have a relationship with my creator and my problems of being my own making and directions in the big book.

I'm I'm free today. I might be uncomfortable. I'll get angry.

I'll totally like get resentments and be like totally out there. But I'm pretty free and I laugh a lot. If anything, through a lot of things, I'm I always laugh and I have a lot of fun.

And even in those times where I haven't necessarily got my whole disciplines like I think they should be and what they should feel like. I know for me, laughing is wonderful. Me be able to laugh, talk with friends, have a relationship with my family again, and and just enjoy life is like wonderful.

And I'm really grateful to be able to to work with a lot of women. And I'm really also I know I'm really grateful, right? Uh to be able to be a part of a lot of people who continue um to stay involved in the 12 steps of alcoholics cuz it saves my saves my life and I get to wake up to how wonderful and how similar and alike and no different we are.

And I know for me, Terry has gotten together a lot of speakers. To be honest, like a lot of them are very dear and close to my heart and have impacted my life more than most people could ever imagine. Everyone and um from the bottom of my heart, I'm excited to share this weekend with y'all.

I think we're going to have a lot of fun. Um and know that if there's anything I can do for anybody, my experience is wild is crazy. It is what it is.

Ain't perfect all the time. Done some weird stuff for sure. But if there's one thing, God is everything.

And that's just about it because it is what it is, you know? And that's one thing I'm crystal on. Yo, it is what it is.

Everflowing stream of life, my friend. We going to laugh, just have a good time. So, I'm really excited.

We're going to rock out this weekend. Have a good time. And and thank you again for everything.

And I love you guys. Thank you. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.