AA Speaker – Matt C. – Medicine Hat, Canada – 2020
Matt C. from Medicine Hat shares his journey from early sobriety struggles to deep spiritual work. An AA speaker talk on steps, sponsorship, and carrying the message with depth and weight.
Matt C. from Medicine Hat got sober at 19 after years of using other substances to control his drinking. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through his early days in the rooms with reluctant sponsorship, his move to North Carolina and discovery of Big Book study, and how working with his current sponsor on spiritual exercises transformed his recovery from dry sobriety into real spiritual progress.
Matt C. shares his story of getting sober in 1996 at age 19 in New York and describes his progression through AA, including his discovery of Big Book study while living in Greensboro, North Carolina, where his second sponsor showed him the text was meant to be studied and applied, not just read. He discusses how he drifted from active service work and sponsorship for several years, eventually returning to serious step work and spiritual exercises with his current sponsor, leading to deeper recovery and the ability to carry a message of depth and weight. The AA speaker emphasizes that recovery requires more than not drinking—it requires spiritual work, service to others, honest sponsorship relationships, and the willingness to work the steps with depth, not just attend meetings.
Episode Summary
Matt C. opens this AA speaker meeting with honest admissions about his nervousness and what recovery has actually meant in his life. Born into alcoholism—both sides of his family had it—he grew up with an abusive father and early exposure to Alanon through his mother. He describes developing the mental obsession and physical allergy young, turning to food and other substances as a kid to fill a “god-shaped hole” he didn’t understand.
His drinking career was short but progressive. The turning point came when he made a solemn oath before a party not to drink, only to be struck by the mental obsession—the thought that he could control his drinking by buying a six-pack and limiting himself to one beer an hour. That moment of clarity about his inability to manage alcohol, combined with waking up the next morning on May 5, 1996, became his sobriety date.
The first few months were rough. Matt found himself in AA meetings but surrounded by people who told him he didn’t have enough time for the Fourth and Fifth Steps. When he moved to Greensboro, North Carolina for college at 100 days sober, he met his second sponsor, who showed him something that changed everything: the Big Book wasn’t just a book to read—it was a textbook to be studied and applied. That sponsor explained the cover page: “Alcoholics Anonymous: The story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism.” He told Matt plainly that recovery was possible, that he wouldn’t always be sick.
Working the steps with his second sponsor was direct. The sponsor qualified him as an alcoholic, made sure he understood the physical allergy and mental obsession, showed him he’d already tried to control his drinking and failed, and then offered him the only thing he had: the 12 Steps. When Matt hesitated, the sponsor said simply: “Work them and see if they don’t work for you.”
For years, Matt carried that message. He did his Fifth Step in his apartment (revealing his fear of rejection, only to find his sponsor was a loving, caring person). He got involved in service work—helping with a young people’s conference, carrying the Big Book message, sponsoring others. He got married, had kids, built a career. But slowly, he admits, he shifted. He stopped giving everything to God and wanted credit for his life. He became what his sponsor Dave now calls “dry drunk”—sober, but not spiritually fit.
About eight or nine months before this talk, Matt developed a resentment against his home group. Instead of bringing it to a business meeting, he stopped sharing, stopped working steps, and eventually slipped to only one meeting a week. His spiritual condition deteriorated. In January, at a karate convention, he found himself in a bar trying to fit in—not on firm spiritual foundation, genuinely miserable. A stranger pointed out how unhappy he looked. Matt took it as a resentment and left the bar, but he later realized that moment probably saved his life. The only thing keeping him sober was ego, which wouldn’t hold forever.
It took a global pandemic and the shift to Zoom meetings for Matt to return. When he showed up at his home group, people didn’t ask where he’d been—they just welcomed him back. He jumped immediately into service, updating the meeting format documents on his computer. He started working with his sponsor Dave again on spiritual exercises: 12 daily prayers, 12 daily meditations, calling six alcoholics a day, writing his own Third Step prayer.
The exercises aren’t easy. When he shared about calling six people daily, a man messaged him privately asking for help. Within a week and a half, Matt went from sponsoring nobody to working with two people. His sponsor didn’t accept a slow yes—the bar was set high, and when Matt showed up spiritually, God put him on the firing lines.
Matt talks openly about struggling with depression after his daughter was born, something he initially resisted discussing because he’s a “step guy” and “should be fine.” But his sponsor helped him see that just as a diabetic needs insulin, sometimes people need other treatment. He’s since worked with a therapist alongside the steps, and he’s honest that this has become part of his spiritual work too.
What he wants the fellowship to know is that recovery has given him a life he never imagined. His son, who grew up with an active alcoholic father, now sees his dad as someone who drinks too much coffee. His kids are growing up not in perfection but in spiritual progress, in a household with treated alcoholism, with love and tolerance. He ends with the image of his young son sitting in front of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions at his home group, with a Big Book in front of him—a reminder that if either child ever needs AA, it will be there for them, passed down as a message of depth and weight, not watered down.
Notable Quotes
The only thing that was keeping me sober at that moment was ego. After 24 years, that’s not going to last forever.
My sponsor pointed out to me: Matt, you haven’t worked the 12 Steps yet. Why don’t you work them and see if they don’t work for you, before you have an opinion on it.
It’s not the meetings we make, it’s the steps we take that get us sober.
Service is a thankless position. Go do something for somebody and look for nothing in return—don’t look for an attaboy.
My son never has to see me take a drink. My son looks at me today as a man who drinks too much coffee, not a man who drinks too much alcohol.
If you ask God to use you and you are spiritually fit, watch out. Just watch where He sends you and watch what He does with you.
Sponsorship
Big Book Study
Long-Term Sobriety
Spiritual Awakening
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 4 – Resentments & Inventory
- Sponsorship
- Big Book Study
- Long-Term Sobriety
- Spiritual Awakening
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe we hope to always remain an adree podcast so if you’d like to help us remain self-supporting please visit our website at sober-remix than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker he everybody I am Matt Cassy I’m I’m grateful recovered alcoholic and as and as Dave said he is my sponsor so uh he’s here to keep me honest and um God I’m so nervous when I do one of these things and I have to be 100% honest from the get-go um you know nothing not throwing up in a garbage pill or anything that nervous but uh you know every fear inventory I’ve ever done you know fear of being unloved unaccepted looking like ass in public the you’re being found out you know always you know always turns up so uh for me to get in front of a group of oh 56 you see that ego told me there was gonna be 70 people here so it’s you know it’s not as big of a crowd as I thought it was going to be you know so um but uh so to speak in front of this many people in an unfamiliar format you know where it’s like I’m not GNA hear any feedback no laughs when I say something I think to be funny you know or uh you know or I’m just going to look for head nods you know when people identify but uh the only planning I’ve done is I just you know like Dave said I’m here to share my story and out of the big book Alcoholics Anonymous if you have a drinking problem we hope that you may pause in Fe in Reading one of our 42 personal stories and think yes that happened to me or more important yes I felt like that or most important yes I believe this program can work for me too you know I’ve also picked uh each individual in the personal stories describes in his own language and from his own point of view the way he established his relationship with God our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like what happened and what we are like now if you have decided you want what we have and you’re willing to go to any length to get it then you are ready to take certain steps you know and lastly froy emotional appeal seldom suffices the message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight in nearly all cases their ideals must be grounded in power greater themselves if they are to recreate their lives those uh those four things kind of tell me exactly what I’m supposed to be doing here you know the uh I’m not into a drunk alog because my drinking career was not very long it’s not very that it’s not very uh you know entertaining to be quite honest but what it does have is it does have all of the aspects of alcoholism which you know I was taught by good sponsorship you know when I’m sharing what it was like you know I’m given about 45 minutes here so what what I used to be like is onethird of my story so if I’m going past you know know 15 18 minutes of and I’m still talking about drinking you know Dave anybody feel free to jump in and start heckling because you know I’m talking too long about the problem and not enough about the solution you know that solution being a god word you know a word that I did not like when I first got here you know and I’m sure I’ll get to that um you know I’m also nervous because this is you know the uh like my second time talking in like a year and I’m sure I’ll get toh why that is you know later on when I get to uh what my life is like now but um you know not not to scare you Mar but I’m going to talk a little bit about my childhood but did not cause my alcoholism it just has a lot to do with you know the the person that I was you know uh I was born into alcoholism you know like I shared my last name is Cassidy you know in case the pale skin and you know premature graying hair does not give it away you know I am Irish you know if there’s any doubt of that I have a Celtic cross tattoo I have a shamrock tattoo and I have two leprechaun tattoos just to remind me on a daily basis of how Irish I am you know the um but you know on both sides of the fence my mom’s side and my dad’s side it’s just filled with you know alcoholics you know the um you know it’s if you’re not alcoholic in my family you marry one just to fit in and you know everybody usually laughs at that you know but it is is 100% true because you know I I talk about two of my uncles you know um you know one of my uncles just died about a year and a half ago with therosis of the liver but when you talk when my family talks about you know Uncle Butch you know they talk about how he desire he died from an infection you know because if he if we talked about therosis the liver then we’d all have to talk about what the real cause of that is you know and that would be his alcoholism that he literally drank himself to death you know another one of my uncles right now is uh out of you know lost his job due to his drinking his wife threw him out of the house due to his drinking he’s bouncing in and out of sober houses because he can’t you know he can’t stay sober you know but we don’t talk about him at all because if he’s down on you know uh you know they just talk about him being down on his luck when his name does come up and you know hopefully you know luck comes back to him so it’s the delusion you know that runs through my family not denial because denial is not wanting to believe you know the truth but knowing it’s the truth you know my family you know we we lived in a lot of delusion of uh you know sick alcoholic behavior that was 100% acceptable you know the uh you know at a young age you know I uh because I grew up in alcoholism and I grew up with a you know father who was physically abusive you know mentally you know verbally abusive you know you know because I grew up around alcoholism you know my mom went into allanon in 1984 you know so I did have exposure to the 12 Steps at a real young age and I remember you know she told us you know she sat down and told us that she had joined this organization called allenon and it was a 12-step Fellowship you know and you know she was going to do these 12 steps and she was going to uh you know get well you know she explained to us that you know she couldn’t fix Dad’s drinking which you know the funny thing about that is when you know she tells the story the way she tells it which is probably the truth you know the uh that when she sat down to tell us all about my dad’s alcoholism is that you know I she said dad has a problem and my answer to her was yeah Dad drinks too much you know and I knew right away you know you know I guess I could spot alcoholism from a mile away because you know even back then you know I probably you know I was definitely you know uh showing symptoms of it you know I just wasn’t drinking to uh fix it you know I turned to a food at an early age you know at my heaviest I was 5 foot eight 260 pounds so you know I guess you could say I always had a god-shaped hole you know so uh you know I I looked for anything and everything to fill that hole you know but I never found anything that really fit that hole and took care of the bill until I found you know God and uh so you know as a result of my you know the uh you know as a result of you know growing up in that abusive household and as a result of you know I was sexually abused by a nextdoor neighbor you know at a young age so you know I had that to deal with you know because of all that stuff that was going on in my life I remember being you know just a young kid and I was going to Catholic school at the time so you know I remember thinking if there was a God you know and this is what he’s doing to me I want nothing to do with him you know definitely M you know I definitely missed the mark on you know a loving and caring God that they were teaching in school you know I would come to you know find that God in the rooms of Alcoholics synonymous and that’s the god of my understanding today you know but as a young kid you know with no belief in a higher power you know and you know just looking to fill that hole and looking for anything and everything you know outside of yourself you know the um you know I was never satisfied you know I always like to tell the story that my mom got a job at a camp for rich people you know everybody whose dad was there was like a doctor or a lawyer you know they all made like you know four you know five figure salaries back in the you know back in the 80s you know and my mom got a job there so we got to go for free and when we started going there I remember crying that I didn’t want to go because I didn’t like it and then when she quit that job and we couldn’t go there anymore I remember crying because now I couldn’t go anymore so you know I was I was never happy regardless of what was going on in the outside you know I’ll fast forward to you know um 1994 you know the my senior year high you know my senior year high school you know this is Alcoholics Anonymous I do respect the fifth you know the fifth tradition and third tradition you know is that this is you know this this is about alcohol and alcoholism but you know uh dryy goods are a part of my story you know and uh it was uh you know was Donnie who spoke a couple weeks ago who you know for the first time in my life you know put it in perspective for I mean in the book it talks about how we use you know different methods of you know uh to control our drinking and I and I believe after hearing him you know I was using you know truckloads of uh you know dried Goods just to treat that you know uh alcoholism because I had made this promise to myself as a little kid that I would not be an alcoholic you know so I had exposure to drinking you know but I really didn’t want to do it to excess because then you know I had this fear that I would become an alcoholic like everybody else in my family so I used other you know uh substances to you know treat my alcoholism and you know they work because they you know they take care of the Restless eal discontent that I feel when I you know when I have no nothing in my body you know but you fast forward to my senior year of high school you know and I was at you know I was at a party and you know everybody there was you know was drinking and I knew they were drinking and you know so I was like all right I better drink to fit in you know because you know I had that chameleon side of me before I knew it was going on you know before I knew it was inside of me you know so uh I remember drinking that night so it’s like the first time I’m really drinking I’m getting drunk and I remember it clear as day because I hadn’t hit the blackout yet but I remember sometime during the party I I was drinking out of a glass because I knew if I knew I just knew internally if you drink out of a bottle you know that makes me alcoholic so I had to drink out of a glass you know I had to look high class you know so uh I dropped the glass and shouted on the floor and I remember still to this day my first thought was you know I was embarrassed because everybody looked at me and then I was mad because I had just I just wasted alcohol but then I was relieved when the next thought was there was still plenty more in the fridge you know so I know I know even you know from that early point that you know I had you know the uh you know the physical allergy because I know I needed more more you know once I put it in my body I would need more so you know that story proves that I have the physical allergy aspect of this disease you know which Dr silkworth says you know makes us alcoholic you know my drinking just got worse because this is a progressive illness you know so uh you know I was you know I had some time to think about this talk before I made it and the more I thought about it the more stories that came back to me and you know just like how I could see like you know the progression of my illness you know and I like I said I I talk to my mom often you know she still goes to Allen on so I you know I I shared with her one of the stories and she’s like you going to share that in you talk and I was like yeah I guess so because you know it produced you know an effect on you so you know I told a story of how you know somebody down the hall for me in college brought you know brought a bottle down I was like hey you want to try this you know so I by that time i’ already developed phen you know the mental Obsession so my mind goes yeah we’ never had that we got to try it even though I know I had work before you know but I still thought at that time that I can control my drinking so I’ll just have one or two and then I’ll you know have enough time before I go to work but of course one led to two led to three led to you know more and more and then I was like oh crap I got to go to work so I call my boss and I tell him that is I was like oh yeah you know I can’t come in to work today he’s like oh no what’s the matter you know he was actually showing true concern you know I said oh um I hurt my shoulder you know I I couldn’t just you know it couldn’t just come with an easy excuse like I don’t feel good you know like you know had to come with something like you know big you know so to make him really feel sorry for me he’s like oh I hurt my shoulder he’s like okay he’s like you know he’s like well he’s you know I hope it gets better we’ll see you around I was like okay yeah thanks so the next day when I woke up I worked in the building where the school cafeteria was so now I realized that I would have to walk past my boss on my way to go to breakfast at the cafeteria and I just told my heart on my shoulder so to cover the lie with yet another lie I actually took I actually took my shoulder and I bashed it up against the the bed post of my bed until it was black and blue so that I could stop at the infirmary on my way to the cafeteria so they would give me a sling or give me an ice pack or give me something you know and I was just like you know that story came back to me I was like oh my God I was like the lies that I you know the lengths that I went to to have to cover up my lies you know you know another time that I thought of as you know I went to get out of bed one morning after a heavy night of drinking and I went to stand up and I healed over like you know like a like you know like a Jango board you know I fell flat on my face and when I looked down at my ankle I was like oh yeah that’s right I did something to my ankle which would explain why it’s the size of a grapefruit and purple like a grape I was like now it all makes sense why I can’t stand up you know so you know there was another time that you know I mean there’s a there’s a questionnaire on our Sia meeting list up here you know for suff County that says you know did you ever wind up in a hospital dude to you drinking you know so I always thought when I first saw that list that it meant you know did I wind up a detox and rehab and I could say oh no but the more I thought honestly about my drinking I was like yeah I did wind up in the hospital numerous times because you know because of my drinking you know so I could easily change my answer to yes on that one you know so my drinking just got worse you know was like there were times like you know I went to a family party you know was my uh my my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and you know they had you know they had an open bar you know because like I said we’re surrounded by alcoholics so you know what would a party be without you know without an open bar and I remember walking up to it and you know the uh somebody was nice enough to list all of the beers and most people would look at that as I have choice you know I could have this one or I could have that one or you know or I could have the liquor on the top shelf you know so most people look at as choice I looked at the list up on the wall as a mission statement you know I had to go from top to bottom and back up to the Top If if I had enough time you know so and that’s what I did for the night I went I went down the list I went back up in between I threw in some hard liquor because they did you know again they had to have the top shelf stuff you know none of that cheap stuff you know for you know for a Cassidy Family Affair but uh you know I’ll just fast forward to my last drunk you know my last drunk was nothing you know exciting nothing spectacular to be quite honest but what did happen to me that night was I needed the last piece of the puzzle that I could see clearly you know so that I could knew know how much trouble I was in you know that night I was going to a party you know and uh it was about an hour and a half Dy from my house you know so I sat in my driveway you know getting ready to leave for the party and I and I remember making a solemn oath to myself like Bill talks about in the book we make solemn o with or without a Bible okay I didn’t have a Bible handy but if I did I probably would have sworn on it that tonight I was not going to take a drink okay it’s not that I didn’t want a drink but by this by this time everybody was calling me alcoholic you know except me so I was not GNA drink that night to prove to everybody that was an alcoholic so if you’ve ever had a prove to somebody that you’re not alcoholic you’re probably alcoholic you knowa in case there’s anybody out there who has any doubt you know so uh so I leave for the party and I’m not going to drink okay it takes about an 45 minutes to get from my house to the next county line by the time I got got to the next county line I remember clearly the thought that crossed my mind okay the thought that crossed my mind not that I had to make up any you know not that I had to like think about it it just popped into my head it was it’s gonna be a six-h hour party if we go to a six-h hour party and we buy a six-pack and we drink one beer an hour that’s social drinking that’s not alcohol so you can still drink and you can still prove to everybody that you’re not alcoholic because you can show them that you can control your drinking and that I know today is the mental Obsession you know that miss that missing piece of being the true alcoholic on page 21 you know I went to the party that night and I you know I went I bought a six-pack and you know just I tore off all the labels you know and I made this grandiose announcement to everybody because you know when I speak everybody listens you know you know so you know that there’s a six-pack in the fridge nobody drink it those are mine you know and it was like about 20 25 minutes later somebody goes walking past with a beer without a label on it and I was like that’s my beer they don’t listen to me who the hell are these people will screw them then I’m gonna if they’re drinking my beer then I’m going to drink all theirs you know so then you know Off to the Races I went you know so when I woke up the next morning you know I was like where was my you know where was my thought of not drinking when the time came where you know where was my where was all all of my willpower it was not I knew it was non-existent you know it was the F it was the first Moment of clarity out of many many that I would have you know in sobriety you know and that that was the morning of May the 5th of 1996 and I’m you know proud to say due due to God’s grace and good sponsorship and the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that’s still my sobriety date you know so I’m an Irish guy you know I don’t know about up in Canada but down here in the United States you know on St Patrick’s Day everybody pretends to be Irish you know so they can drink and on CCO day May May the 5th everybody pretends to be Mexican so they could drink you know so I’m the Irish guy who got a sober on a Mexican holiday so if I ever come across in sobriety the Mexican guy who got sober on St Patrick’s Day I’m telling you right now him and I gonna start a big book study okay Scouts Honor okay so um I see my buddy Charlie laughing because St Patrick’s day is his sobriety date but uh but he’s Irish you know so it doesn’t count um you know but um so there I was you know Stone Cold Sober now not you know and not wanting to take another drink but it took me two weeks to be convinced that I still couldn’t do it myself you know I remember driving around one night you know and I was just like I’m gonna drive around to every 7-Eleven and just drink coffee and I drove around to every 7-Eleven you know out by my house and I probably drank you know I’m still you know I still got an alcoholic mind it’s just not Al because I was only 19 at the time so I could I couldn’t you know I couldn’t go into 7-Eleven buy beer so I couldn’t buy a small coffee I had to buy the large coffee you know so I drove to like 8 sels drinking like eight 20 ounce cups of coffee wondering why my hands were shaking and why you know why I couldn’t sleep that night you know you know the uh it’s I think that’s like an equal to an NN I’m not exactly sure but uh you know so I wind up in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous you know at at a at some meetings because at that at that time I was also in the rooms of allanon you know because like I told you my mom was in in allanon so I thought my dad’s drinking was my problem so if I went to allanon I could you know I could work on myself like my mom worked on myself he worked on herself and things would be okay you know but the problem was you know in between when I got sober and uh you know well before I got sober I went to an allanon conference and I found myself nodding in agreement with the AA speaker so I was like you know so even then like there was another Moment of clarity before I stopped drinking like why am I relating to an alcoholic you know it’s like you know red flags along the way but I never saw them you know so uh so I’m sitting in the rooms of AA I go to my very first meeting you know Clos meeting and I’m like uh I’m Matt and I think I’m an alcoholic and you know they let me ramble on for a little bit you know and then when when I was all done the speaker just goes Matt if you think you’re an alcoholic you probably are one because normal people don’t sit around and wonder if they’re alcoholic you know so I was just I was kind of let down by that because I was kind of hoping he’d let me off the hook and like you know after I had talk like no you’re not alcoholic but you know he he you know he kind of like you know put the final you know uh final nail my cofin you know God started doing for me what I could not do for myself because my first sponsor you know I you know walked in the room that night after I shared and uh I knew he was going to be my sponsor so you know a little miracle started to happen along the way you know um unfortunately part of my story was the first four months of my sobriety I was hanging out with a crowd that was just simply don’t drink go to meetings you know hang out at the diner go to you know join the softball team um you know I remember sharing one night that you know I I wanted I want to do my fourth and fifth step and somebody telling me you’re not sober enough to do a fourth and fifth step you know you you got you don’t have enough time you know so those were the type of people that you know that I was surrounded with so you know um you know I was I was about 100 days sober I moved back I moved from uh New York down to North Carolina Greensboro North Carolina to go back to college you know so I knew that I needed to plug into the fellowship down there so I started going to meetings in Greensboro North Carolina and uh I was about 100 days sober you know sitting in the rooms of AA dying of untreated alcoholism and not knowing what my problem was you know but down there if you’ve ever if you if you’ve never been down to North Carolina my experience is you know especially the Greensboro Triad area their big book country you know they they talk straight out the book they quote the book that everybody carries a book you know so it’s like so all of a sudden I see these people walking around carrying big books walking in the room sharing out the big book you know carrying a big book message and I was like what are these people talking about I mean it’s like I read the first 164 pages because somebody told me to read it and I read it like a book and it was no surprise ending there was no you know there was no you know there was no plot twist going on you know it was like some guy named Bill and some guy named Bob and you know but other than that I was just like you know you know some guy named Fred and you know and I just I just didn’t get it because nobody ever explained to me that it was a basic text it was a text book you know something that was meant to be studied it was something that meant to be applied you know the um you know my second sponsor that I met down in you know North Carolina you know by the name Man by the name of Joe J I you know uh I certainly hope he was able to meet make the meeting tonight because I gave him the link but you know when I met him you know he actually sat down with me and showed me the you know the cover you know he showed me the big book you know and then he opened it up to the cover page and you know he goes look he goes this is alcoholic annonymous the story of how many of thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism he was the first person to show me that I could recover from this disease that I was not always going to be sick from it you know that you know that I could get well you know explained to me that that was the book that him and I would be reading together you know he said we’d be getting together once a week to do some reading and do some step work you know I I’m I don’t know what night of the week I met him but you know the first weekend that I was with him he goes he goes oh and he goes we’ll go to a he goes we’ll go to a rehab he goes you know he goes he goes so you can meet some other people and we show up to the rehab and they’re like Joe are you speaking today he goes no you need a speaker he goes yeah he goes this is Matt he just moved here from New York he’s your speaker for today you know so he kind of like threw me right into service work too you know you know working with others you know so uh you know I I just remember sitting down with him and you know going through the book and you know he did to me what he was supposed to do he qualified me as an alcoholic you know he made sure that I had mental Obsession he made sure that I had physical craving you know he made sure that I knew exactly how screwed I was you know he made sure that I understood that AA was the last house on the Block for me that if there was any way that I could stop drinking on my own I probably had already tried it and it did not work you know he reminded me of such mean things like you know a I came to AA AA did not come to me it’s not like they knocked on my door and begged me for membership you know so um you know just so just just the way that he lovingly crushed my ego because that’s what I needed in order to get well I needed you know I needed to be told in a loving caring way that you know that I had a problem and that AA was the only answer that he had to offer you know he said he was going to give me the 12 steps of recovery you know which is the only thing he had to offer because it was the only thing he had you know and the um you know I remember when he first gave me that talk I remember saying to him that the uh you know I know it works for you I know it works for your sponsor I said but I really don’t know if it’s going to work for me you know and he pointed out to me he goes Matt he goes you haven’t worked the 12 Steps yet he goes why don’t you work them and see if they don’t work for you he says before you have an opinion on it you know so I agreed I agreed to do that you know I agreed to work the 12 steps you know at that time you know the um you know again he also shoved me into service work you know the um you know there was a young people’s conference that that people were trying to build down there at the time there was there was a really young really hardcore young people’s movement at the time you know there’s a bunch of us young people you know who you know newly in sobriety you know we only had like a couple of years Max but uh you know we all we all had a common purpose we wanted to put on this convention you know so we we got into service work you know we got into going to different meetings and carrying a message we got into you know grabbing other people’s like hey you just shared a meeting that you got nothing to do or you’re board in sobriety why don’t you come help us you know and so so around me grow the fellowship that I craved start you know started to grow up around me you know all I had to do was show up and be and you know to be a part of it you know so uh you know I was involved with that I was going through the step work with Joe and you know I remember the um I remember the first first fif step he says to me he goes he goes well it’s your first fstep so um he goes you get to pick the location where we’re going to do it he goes I just want to make sure that you’re comfortable and the only answer I could come up with said well why don’t we do it in my apartment and he’s like okay if that’s where you feel comfortable I was like yeah I like that’s why I feel comfortable because at the back of my head was when I’m done with this he can’t throw me out because it’s my apartment and that’s the only reason why I wanted to do it there you know because I had this big fear of when I open myself up to another human being for the first time in my life you know I had this Fe I had this fear of rejection but when we went through that fifth step all I found was a loving caring person who understood where I came from and was there just to help me you know see my defects of character you know to see the things within me that block me off from you know from God you know um when I when that school year ended you know the I had gotten a call from my parents because my dad was like I’m starting to think about retirement and what do you think my biggest expenditure was and I was like um at estate tuition and he’s like yeah it is so he said you know he goes so you’re gonna come home he said we’ll send you to a local College he said but uh you know you’re not going to go to school out of state anymore you know so I was like okay I was like so I get to go to college but just not this college he’s like yeah I said okay I really can’t argue with that you know so uh so I had to move back from North Carolina and I came back to New York and I was I was trying to carry that big book message you know it’s you know it’s like hey guys here’s what’s in the book here’s what it says look we can be recovered and stuff and I was met with a lot of resistance you know from a lot of people you know and you know uh you know unfortunately over time it you know rather than you know care more about you know God’s will for me which is to you know help others I started to care more about you know fitting in and more you know so you know by the you know by the time I was done with college you know I met my Su you know soon to be wife you know so you know we’ started dating so you know I had a fiance then you know that we were gonna get we got married then I got a house and you know I had you know I changed jobs into a better job so I had all this stuff going for me in life you know so um you know so I was kind of Shifting away from you know giving everything to God and I wanted to take credit for it and I wanted to enjoy the life that I was being given you know and I slowly turned into a you know don’t drink and go to meetings guy you know I was working with people but I wasn’t exactly taking them through the you know take taking them through the book you know I was kind of like you know cutting Corners you know the um and you know the uh I’m not I’m not you know I’m not proud of that period of my sobriety because you know it was it was you know the uh if I ever heard it I forgot you know Dave told me the other day you know it’s sedy not sobriety you know that I was you know he uses the expression I was so dry I was a fire hazard you know I could definitely agree with that you know so um you know needless to say you know over time you know the it says in the book that I’m in the grips of a progressive illness it says nothing about it’s only Progressive when I’m drinking you know I know I know today my alcoholism gets worse even when I’m not drinking you know so the spiritual malady was you know starting to come back you know the uh you know and it’s like I know today the spiritual malady if left untreated makes fertile ground for the mental Obsession that mental Obsession that I have no treatment for you know I can’t use the broken mind you know to be defensive against that first drink you know I I it has to come from a higher power you know so uh I in probably in a lot more danger than I you know than I knew of you know and it was uh it was around this time you know that you know I knew the answer was in the book so I was just like you know what I was like whether I’m you know gonna be liked or I’m not gonna be liked is none of my business you know it’s what God wants me to do you know in you know helping others so I went and I bought a brand new big book because at the time I was walking around you know still my third edition big book you know because I got sobered in 96 and the fourth edition wasn’t published in 2001 so I used to walk around my third edition to show just how sober I was you know was you know I would use it like a like a badge of honor you know so uh but mean you know uh so I went and I bought a brand new fourth edition big book and I know that in the book I’m like all right I know there’s beliefs I’m supposed to have I know that there’s steps I’m supposed to take you know I know that there’s action that’s supposed to be done and most importantly I know that there’s promises in this book I don’t know about up in Canada or any other parts of the United States where some of you folks are but in meetings down here they’ll close meetings with reading the promises and they read the nin step promises and it yeah there go the hair on the back of my necks while I’m saying it you know it just drives me nuts I’m like you folks have no idea if you think that those 12 promises are the only ones in the book you know there’s there’s third step promises there are 10-step promises there’re just there are promises where they where you know where they don’t need even need to be more promises you know so you know so I can’t with this crazy highlighter scheme you know just you know because I wanted to do it you know perfect of course you know because alcoholic can’t ever you know settle for moderation you know so uh you know so I highlighted this new book and where it said I was action to take I took action and where it said there was a prayer I got down on my knees and I said those prayers and it was around this time where I you know I went to a um you know I went to a big book you know convention and the uh you know Chris R was the was the speaker you know so I went up to him after the meeting because I knew he had you know he was friends with Dave so I was like uh I went after up to him after the meeting I was like hey I was like uh I was like can you give me Dave frederickson’s phone number I says I’d like to reach out to him and talk with him you know so because Dave got sober at 19 I got sober at 19 you know so uh you know I knew there was stuff that we’d have in common so you know Chris goes all right I don’t give away a phone number without taking one in return He says so he goes he goes I’ll give you Dave’s phone number but you got to give me yours so I said okay sure no problem I’m like like like I’ll over hear from Chris Ramer you know so like my phone 11 ring with him on the other end but but hey he asked for it so I gave it to him you know so I reached out you know I reached out to Dave and you know like like you said you know that was that was 2010 I I I literally uh stalked him you know the uh at the time you know he was he was working at he’d be working out a New York you know so uh I’d go visit him before you know before he had to go to work you know you know I’d meet him at the airport you know you know we’d have like 45 minute chat or something so you know like so I it probably qualifies as stalking but uh but it was definitely you know good times and the um you know and I you know fast forward a couple years you know I my my first kid was born I’m like you know what I’m like my life is changing so so I decided to change sponsors I asked Dave to sponsor me and you know if you ever asked Dave to work with you Dave has a plethora of spiritual exercises to give you you know a yes from Dave Never Never Comes lightly you know so or I came on like a new spiritual journey with you know these things to do and uh you know so I started doing these exercises you know and um you know and like you know no big surprise you start doing spiritual exercise you start getting spiritually F you start getting spiritually fit and you start carrying a message of depth and weight you know so I was going to meetings and I was sharing you know I I’d open a a Matt Cassity and people like why do he got to share his last name and I’m a recovered alcoholic why does he say he’s recovered you know I was like you know I there was one cranky Oldtimer who had four you know who had almost 40 Years of sobriety who used to introduce himself I’m so and so I’m recovering alcoholic and he like yell at will locking eyes with me and I was like I was like doesn’t this dude know that I’ve resigned from debating Society I like I really don’t care how we know what he thinks you know so but uh but you know again I got more push back but that that time in my life I cared more about saving lives than I cared about being life you know and again what happened was those people who liked what I shared and those people who identified with me those were the people I started hanging out with though you know again so the fellowship I craved started to you know started to bounce up around me you know so uh you know my son was born in 2011 you know and uh that was you know that was the that was the first sign that got you know that God of my understanding truly trusted me because when I got sober I couldn’t even take care of myself you know so uh you know you fast forward I you know I was uh you know I was you know you know 14 years sober you know and I’m like so 14 years sober God gave me another human being to take care of you know you know I know today God trusts me with one of his kids to take care of you know he’s he’s not my kid he’s God’s kid I’m just here to you know you know Steer him on the right path and the um you know my daughter was born in 2015 you know and she’s she’s just a uh she’s a handful and a half you know so uh you know she’s she’s four now and the um you know so the uh you know she’s she’s Another Blessing you know in my life but um you know the uh I God I didn’t know how much truth was going to come out of me but apparently God wants me to talk about it um you know after my daughter was born you know the uh you know about a couple weeks after my daughter was born all of a sudden like I was just like I was like forever tired you know and I would you know I all of a sudden I wanted like nothing to do with my daughter I wanted nothing to do with my wife I wanted nothing to you know I wanted nothing to do with you know with inter I would like not I was not picking up phone calls I didn’t want to talk to anybody you know I would go to my home group to chare a meeting and people would just take one look at me they like are you okay you know you should probably go see a doctor you know because I just I looked I looked horrendous I was you know in 10 days I lost 10 pounds I was just I was just there there was something going on and you know I go to the emergency room one night you know and I’m just like and I give them all my symptoms and everything and they took blood tests and you know and everything came back negative and the doctor goes I have no idea what’s going on with you he’s like so he’s like you know just they discharged me from the emergency room with just a you know you know goodbye and good luck you know and the uh you know when I you know when I got home the next day I get a you know I get a uh a phone call from a family friend who’s a nurse practitioner because apparently my wife you know behind my back called my mom you know and told her what was going on you know mom intern behind my back calls this family friend who’s a nurse practitioner and so she calls me she’s like Matt i’ just like to talk to you for a little bit because you know every everybody’s concerned about you know what’s going on with you you know so I’m like okay so you know I’m talking to her I’m telling what’s going on and I’m like you know I I tell her I went to the emergency room and they you know they gave me a blood test and so they they put me on the only thing that they had to offer me was they put me on an antibiotic for like any exotic like bug bites you know so if I happen to come down with like the first case of malaria since 1917 I would have been okay you know but uh they had no idea you know what was going on with me and so when the conversation was ended she goes Matt she goes I’ve listened to everything you said she goes and she goes in case you don’t notice she goes you’re not even breathing she goes you take a light breath she goes and then you’re sighing out after every breath you know she goes Matt she goes you’re showing signs of depression you know and she’s like whether you know it or not you know and like in mind you know I’m like I’m a step guy you know I I I do the steps and you know I should be fine and you know you know there should be nothing going on and at first I was closed minded and she’s like you know and then she like she threw in like a little sales pit she’s like I’m not here to treat you I’m just here to guide you you know I’m here to help you in whichever way you want you know so I was like you know what I was like I everything I’ve tried doesn’t work and I’ve gone to everybody you know I’ve gone to doctors and they have no idea so you know I guess I’ll just give it a shot and you know so was kind of open-minded you know to being treated for something different you know for you know for something different and again it was it was another disease that I didn’t want you know but obviously I was showing symptoms of it so maybe I would need to be treated for it you know so uh you know so she did put me on a medication and you know I know today that you know there is another problem and is a problem outside of alcoholism and I guess the only reason why I’m sharing you know guys got me sharing from Podium is because if there’s anybody else going through anything that you know there are problems other than alcoholism it does say in the book in the uh you know in the 130 that you know God does give us you know good doctors you know to you know to treat us or something like that I’m not going I am paraphrasing because I’m I’m not a big book you know memorizer guy you know but um you know so there are doctors out there to help you if you do have other problems don’t think you know just because you’re taking the 12 steps that if you’ve got problems other than you know I I like to use analogy you know so if I was a diabetic do I take the 12 steps to take care of my insulin you know problem or could I just you know take some insulin and treat you know treat that out you know outside issue because you know with outside you know fixing so um God like I said I guess I God wanted me to be a lot more honest than I planned on being um you know but uh you know so what it’s like now you know what my life is like now is the um you know I do I do treat that outside stuff with you know with you know with outside help you know um you know I actually did have a you know therapy session before this today and you know due to this whole covid thing you know I’m doing a zoom meeting now with you know oh it’s only 57 people we’re still not at 7 my ego really let down um you know but um you know the uh I had to do a zoom you know teletherapy meeting today so like my entire life you know today is like almost zoom and you know just I’m actually loving this format you know because the uh you know I used to love going to my home group you know uh in person you know by the way my home group is the Longwood love and service group of Alcoholics Anonymous we meet in Ridge New York on Tuesdays and Thursday nights at 8 o’clock so if anybody’s ever in the area and you like to uh you know Fellowship you know uh I did put I did actually I did say I did can’t didn’t write down any notes but I just lied again before so I’ll make am M to that I wrote a note says give email address so my email address was in the chat room so uh so if any of you guys see the MFC 5596 a.com that’s my email address feel free to shoot me a letter because what uh you know the one thing that has come out of this whole Zoom thing is I I now have friends and you know obviously you know you know Alberta Canada hey Mark you know giving him a shout out you know the uh you know I made friends with you know Cody who spoke a couple weeks ago out of Seattle Washington you know I see my buddy Charlie you know Charlie you know from greensbor North Carolina on here so I’m like connecting with people you know in all parts of the United States when I you know when I actually spoke to mark on the phone for the first time and you know it’s you know we again like it says in the book where people that do not mix you know the uh you know I’m talking to a Canadian on the phone who lives in the you know he’s the first person I ever talked to in Mount you know who’s who lives in mountain time but with that solidified I now have a friend in every time zone and you know to me that was like I was like that’s the coolest you know so uh so thanks Mark for your friendship so we can take care of that last time zone and uh you know so um you know it this whole Zoom thing has has been a trip you know um I did say I would you know the uh this the reason why I haven’t talked much is uh you rewind about like about eight nine months ago and I slowly started to pull away from you know my home group I start slowly started to pull away from the fellowship I had a resentment against against my home group you know something was going down that I didn’t like and you know rather than bring it to a business meeting and voicing my concern and you know may you know who knows maybe maybe become group you know group conscience whatever you know I got a resentment and the first thing I stopped doing is I stopped sharing at meetings you know and then I realized it’s like wait a minute I’m not doing too much step work lately you know so I really can’t share anything because I don’t have current experience you know so I kind of Justified not sharing also and I was so I stopped sharing at the meeting and then I started putting other stuff in life ahead of you know the fellowship and you know so I started dwindling down and you know you know as uh as Dave and I have had many discussions you know my magic number of meetings plural so it’s supposed to be minimum two hence the English language of adding an s on the end you know it has to be a plural you know my meeting my meeting my minimum number of meetings slipped below two so I was only making one meeting a week so uh you know I wasn’t even doing that and then you know one easily turns into zero so you know so I’m not partaking in the fellowship you know so I’m not staying in the middle of the herd you know the um you know I’m not I’m not talking to my sponsor I’m not you know I’m not sponsoring my last sponsy you know you know disappeared into the you know into the clouds of you know Never Never Land so I’m not really doing anything you know and again ego starts to come back that that uh you know Dave calls it spiritual plaque you know it’s like the spiritual plaque started to come back and it’s like all of a sudden you know I’m living a life that I think is great because I’m quote I’m not drinking so therefore I got to be doing good and it’s you know I I’m slowly slipping back through the steps I’m way back into the third step where if the world would do what I want everything would be okay you know and um I probably came the closest I ever came to a drink in my life you know uh back in January you know I was actually you know I went away to a uh you know karate convention SL competition and everybody else that I was hanging out with they wanted to hang out in the bar and you know I’m like if my mind I’m like I can go to a bar I’ve gone to a bar a million times well our book says that you can go to a bar number one if you have a legitimate reason for being there and number two if you’re on firm spiritual Foundation well I had a legitimate reason to be there because everybody else was going there and I got to fit in but my you know but I was certainly not an a firm spiritual foundation and I I was sitting in a bar you know and I’m just like I was probably the most miserable person in there and what proof do I need of that okay is that the fact that a woman who was talking to the group actually came up to me and goes you know that guy looks like he’s having fun and he pointed to you know he pointed to my friend Ron he goes but you look miserable you know and of course what does a good alcoholic do you know we’re sensitive people you know it says in the 12 and 12 that takes us a while to grow out of that sensitivity so I took it personal even though she’s telling the truth and you know and I turned into a resentment you know so so I left the bar because I didn’t want to be in the same room with this woman anymore so I think God actually saved my life through a resentment you know because I walked I walked out of there because like I said that’s probably the closest I would ever be to a drink again I well I hope ever again you know because the only thing that was keeping me sober at that moment was ego you know because I was you know I’m I’ll be 24 years sober in May and you know here it is in January I’m already projecting four months into the future you know so you know so um ego can only last that long you know that strange mental Blank Spot probably would have took over sooner or later and a thought would have crossed my mind because I have no defense I probably would have you know probably would have drank you know so uh again you know what Dave one of the spiritual exercises Dave gave me was you know he had me he had me write down a Miracles list and of course that made the list you know that I stayed sober during this you know during this past dry spell you know um it’s only you know I joke now it took a global pandemic to get me back to my home group you know it was you know the uh the funny thing about it was I lost the power of choice to not go to meetings anymore you know I couldn’t go to a meeting anymore so you know so I knew that they had this Zoom format and I found out from somebody who had the link you know I was like how do I get to our meetings so they sent me the link so I showed up and the first thing that you know the first thing that happened was number one a lot of the people they don’t care why I was gone they were just like Hey we’re glad to have you back you know and the uh you know a couple years ago I was on the home my home group steering committee on making our group conscience because we were kind of off the rails a little bit and they wanted to uh you know get us back on track so they’re like hey let’s have a steering committee you know and let’s put together let’s actually put you know pen to paper and you know come up with our group conscience so that we know what it is instead of it being word of mouth so I was you know so being one of the oldtimers in the group who actually been around the group for a long time you know um you know the uh I wasn’t a founding member of the group but I was part of the first um you know the first wave of uh you know uh you know membership uh you know run pledging committee um you know so we put together group conscience and you know and that group conscience a lot of it still stands today so with this whole new Zoom format they were like hey you know we need a little bit of a change here and I was like I jumped right up to the plate I said well I happened on my computer I still have the you know all the openings to all the meetings because when we left our church when we left our church you know meeting place all the books were there so everybody was just kind of like going by memory of like how to open up a meeting and you know I was like I still got on my computer I’ll be more than happy to updated you know for the current for any current you know changes we have I’ll get rid of stuff that doesn’t apply and I’ll add stuff that does apply you know so I changed you know my uh you know my you know I changed all the openings you know for the new Zoom format so I immediately jump back into service for my home group you know this uh the zoom format like I said allows me to meet new people in New different places I mean I go to a meeting there’s one Friday night I’m like I’m like oh let me go to a meeting tomorrow oh there’s a there’s a Saturday morning as Bill season meeting and I’m like I’m not you know I’m I like Bill’s writing I like I like Bill as a person you know so uh I’m like all right maybe it’ll you know I’ll go sit on that you know who knows how it’s going to be so I went and I you know joined the you know I joined in on that meeting and you know it’s there was a whole bunch of people bitching about you know this covid thing and it’s isolation and you know I’m stuck in the house with my kids and you know somebody take my kid somebody come and take my kids and by this point like I said I’m already working with Dave again and Dave’s giving me spiritual exercise I’m plugged back into service work and plugged back in my home group and I’m like you know what I guess it’s time to either not be like because it’s time to be a Serv so when it came my turn to share you know I was like yeah I’m I’m in a house with with my wife who’s working from home and I’m in a house with a 4-year-old you know who’s not getting his special needs you know stuff I said I’m in a house with an eight-year-old I says whose hobby is to not listen and make me repeat myself about a thousand times a day I said but I said my sponsor I says has me working spiritual exercises I says he has me working within with you know 12 daily prayers and 12 daily meditations I was like the first of which it just comes right out of the big book it’s in the step it says that we ask God to show us the way of patience tolerance kindness of love for each member of the family you know and he had me sit with that and what does it look like towards each member of the family so it showed me that I could be of service to my family it’s like so if I’m the first one up in the morning it’s easy to either pour my son a bowl of cereal to make him a cheese omelette you know it’s easy to make my wife you know breakfast I can make you know I can make my daughter breakfast you know and the uh you know but the whole thing about that was when I first started doing it I you know I was like I was like I’m doing service but I’m not getting what I want in return you know I found out there’s still a lot of ego in the picture you know I was like I wanted when I come down the stairs I wanted to be greeted by that you know Canyon of heroes ticket tape parade welcome it’s like oh he’s here to do service to us he’s so great you know instead I remembered oh that’s right service is a thankless position you know the uh my like I said my introduction to service you know was you know being thrown in front of a rehab by by that guy Joe he also taught me the service you know my introduction service with him you know was uh you know one day you know he tells me you know he tells me to he because he asked me point blank when I was going to be a giver you know he pointed out to me that I was a taker my whole life when are you gonna be a giver you know and I was like I don’t understand what you mean you know what what do you mean by that you know and he goes well he goes I want to know when you start to when are you gonna do something for somebody and look for nothing in return you know and that was a concept to me that I needed more explanation and I because I said to I said well I do I did do service you know I said you know this and now I’m going to date myself you know I I says I dumped my ashtray after the meeting I says I threw out my coffee cup after the meeting I says I cleaned up you know so he brought to my attention that dumping an ashtray that I smoked out of dumping a coffee cup that I drinked out of and pushing in a chair that my ass occupied for the meeting was not service work that just means that my mother raised me right he said go dump somebody else’s ashtray push somebody else’s chair in he says and throw out somebody else’s coffee cup he goes go do for somebody else and look for nothing in return don’t look for an adab boy don’t you know don’t look for accolades he goes just do it because it’s doing for so it’s giving without a price tag you know like I said you know Dr Bob said in his final talk that the um you know the 12 Steps boil down to you know two things love and service and that’s why I belong to a group called love and service you know that’s what the whole deal is about you know I’m gon to come to love God’s children and I’m gonna be and I’m gonna want to be of service to them you know the uh you know that 12th step you know was explained to me having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps so I’m guaranteed to get the only thing that’s going to solve my problem it’s that’s how we agnostics chapter starts off with if you’re if you’re alcoholic you know you may be suffering from a malady which only a spiritual experience will conquer so it doesn’t leave much room for what I need to get well you know but that’s you know Joe pointed out to me that it was guaranteed to me as a result of the 12 steps I have to do the 12 Steps if I don’t do the 12 Steps then I’m not going to get well it’s not how many meetings I make you know Derek I’m G to quote Cliff man because I I love it you know like Cliff Bishop used to say you know it’s it’s not the meetings we make it’s the steps we take you know that that you know that get you know get us sober you know and uh you know I never met the man but you know God you know did I fall in love with a whole a lot of stuff that he had to say you know and uh you know the other the other thing I gota you know like I said Chris Raymond took my number at that at that conference and just to uh you know just to give you know give a shout out to you know to the guy who got me in this trouble to begin with you know my buddy Derek who you know spoke last week and you know who’s who’s on here tonight you know the uh I kind of you know alluded to it last week but you know I’m at work one night and I get a phone call out of the blue you know and the uh I of course I don’t answer it because it’s a strange area code but when I get a voicemail from it it’s some guy from Kansas who’s visiting New York who wants to get you know who got my number from Chris and I was like holy crap I was like I was like you know so when you give your number away don’t be surprised if somebody ever uses it you know so I had to give this guy a call back because I’ve given my number away a thousand times face to face and never you know get if I’m lucky I get a phone call 10 times out of a thousand you know and I you know but I G but you know I gave my number to this guy who gave it to this guy and he called me and we’ve been buds ever since you know the uh you know he he flew he flew up here on his own dime uh last summer you know when uh when I got to renew my uh you know my wedding vows with my wife for a 15th anniversary you know and uh you know it’s you know it’s cool when you can you know it says in the book that you know we’re going to commence shoulder to- shoulder with people and we’re going to form lifelong bonds and it’s like that you know when I think of him I I know that that’s true when I think of guys like Charlie I know that’s true because we you know we’ve been friends for you know over over two decades now you know we may not see each other all the time we may not talk all the time but you know you you can truly form friendships you know uh you know and and I love this Zoom format again because you know out of that meeting that I went to that Saturday morning and I shared you know and I and I just shared you know some spirituality and I dumped some God into the mix you know I I share another thing that Dave has me do he has me call six alcoholics a day and it’s like you know you know again you know you work with David the the bar can’t be set low it’s you know it’s got to be a pul vault level you know so it’s like I’ll not want to call six people but it’s like if if I call him I know one of the things he’s gonna ask me is how I six gonna go you know so uh you know so I got I got you know I got Cody spoke a couple weeks ago also works with Dave so you know I kind of cheat a little bit I make Cody one of my six Cody you know Cody’s got open Liberty to make me you know one of his six you know and um you know so when I shared I call six people a day this guy from you know from out by Tonto shoots me a private message that he wants to talk you know and like I said you know God puts you on the firing lines when you’re ready to show up you know so I I I got a spony over you know over uh you know over over out of you know out of this Zoom you know so uh you know I show up on the fire lines and God like I said God I get back involved in my home group I get back involved my sponsor I get back into spiritual exercises God throws me out on the firing lines you know I picked up him he throws my name and number to a friend of his another friend of his you know wants me to take him through the work so I went from zero to two in less than a week and a half you know so you know God you know God certainly does have a s you know sense of humor and he knows how to you know make us you know you know another exercise that Dave had me do and I just finished it today is you know he had you know in the book it says the wording of course is quite optional when it talks about third step so I you know I wrote my own third step prayer you know again today so I can you know so I can pump up my prayer and meditation life you know so uh you know so I’m going to start I I I actually work with that before the meeting because I was like all right God I wrote The Prayer let’s let’s see how effective it is you know and I you know I got down on my knees and my wife was talking to our daughter my son was upstairs on his iPad so you know I’m still cool to be caught I’m still too cool to be caught praying so I made sure that everybody was busy before I got down on my knees you know I got down on my knees you know and said my you know my version of the third step prayer and I know the god of my understanding who loves me today you know heard me and he gave me the strength because you know I was able to pull this off you know I was able to pull this off you know because like I said in the beginning I’m a guy who likes to be part of the crowd I just want to blend in you know but uh go you know if you ask God to use you and you are you know you are in you are spiritually fit you know watch out you know just watch where he sends you and watch what he does with you because the life I have today you know one of the other things that Joe told me a long time ago he told me he says you know he says everybody who says that AA is gonna give you a life beyond your wildest dreams and I was like yeah I’ve heard that and he goes Matt give up on your wildest dreams he go because if you come up with wild dreams he says then you’re going to cut off God’s handiwork you know God could get you know God give you he goes exactly what you know the life that you want he wants you to have and like I said I am I never pictured that I could be the type of person that you know when you say you know till death do us part then they agree to it I never thought I could be the type of person who could have you know kids who could take care of them you know I don’t do it perfectly you know like uh you know like Derek said last you know last week and and I loved it so I’m gonna have to steal it you know it’s like my kids have seen me on page 52 you know my wife has seen me on page 52 you know my employers see me on page 52 you know my home group is see me on page 52 so I don’t you know I don’t walk on water just be you know just because I do this work you know the um but I do do this you know the short the places I fall short today you know set me up for the places that I can work on tomorrow you know one of the things that uh Derek shared with me you know a long time ago which I just started doing you know semi- religiously I don’t do it every night I’m not going to lie and say I do but you know he has a format where you can do your 11 STP 11 Step nightly review and when you’re done you could hit submit and it goes to his email inbox and he in turn when he does one you know it goes to his gu you know inboxes so when I wake up in the morning you know I get to read Derek’s nightly review and you know and I you know and I I know what mine was you know where I fell short so I know what I get to work on you know so you know if you if you plug into the fellowship that you crave and you stay close to that God of your understanding you know like I said I came in here hopeless and helpless or so I thought you know I did was take a course of action and out of that course of action you know produced a miracle you know I was told don’t leave till the miracle happens but it’s not my job okay to you know to make the miracle happen God’s got the outcome but it is my job to take care of the footwork you know so uh you know I can’t I just looked at the clock and you know Derek says I’m a big fan of talking I guess he’s right I was able to kill the whole hour so uh you know thanks guys for having a zoom format you know where uh you know I can carry messages that you know God can take you know can take somebody and carry them to a place you know of uh you know of Miracles happening and uh I end a lot of talks you know with this you know just because you know it means a lot to me so I’ll share it with you guys you know like I said I grew up with an alcoholic you know my dad was active you know I am an alcoholic so my son is growing up with an alcoholic but it’s an alcoholic in recovery you know in my big book I carry this coaster on one side and I’ll hold it up so you guys can see the camera on one side is ice cream on the other side is beer so I was out at a restaurant my son and he slides the coaster across the table to me and he goes dad he goes do you like ice cream he goes do you like beer you know so I said to him he was five you know he’s like five years old at the time I said well buddy I says we’re out eating ice cream together you know because I always make I always make time for my son I always I always make sure that you know I take I take him out you know what we call dude’s time where just him and I hang out you know because I never got that with my dad and the um so I said well buddy we’re having dudes time right now eating some ice cream so you know dad likes ice cream and I turned it over and I showed him the beer I says I says and Daddy doesn’t drink I says so I says I don’t like beer and my 5-year-old son looked at me and you know with all the love in his eyes and all the love in his voice he goes dad he goes you drink a lot he goes you drink lots of coffee if you asked me at five years old when my dad’s Drinker Choice was my answer would not have been coffee you know so I always get choked up you know because you know it’s like my son looks at me today as a man who drinks too much coffee not a man who drinks too much alcohol you know my I I you know I spend time with my son so that you know even when I snap and he sees me on page 52 because I don’t do it perfectly you know I do when I tuck him in every night I do you know I do make sure says you know dad loves you right and every night he says yes he says yes I do and I give my son a a kiss on the head and a hug you know and and a hug you know and now that my daughter’s getting old enough you know she gives me you know she gives me a kiss and you know she gives you know she has to give me a big hug you know so when I get a big hug from my daughter we both have to go okay because that’s a big hug without it’s just a regular hug and we need a big hug you know so I’m raising my kids not not in Perfection you know but SP you know but spiritual progress you know every day you know and that they know that you know they’re growing up in a household where there is alcoholism but there’s treated alcoholism you know so they grown up of one where there’s love and tolerance you know and um like I said so this Co this coasta has a permanent spot in my big book to remind me you know that my son never has to see me take a drink and that my son can you know actually here’s a funny here’s another funny one I’ll actually end with this is my son is this is 2014 so he’s not even three years old yet there’s a picture of my son sitting in front of the 12 steps and 12 traditions at my home group and if you look in front of him there’s a big book so so should my son ever needs it he’s had he’s had plenty of uh you know plenty of exposure to it and uh you know a buddy of mine always says I never like my drinks watered down and I don’t want my AA watered down and that’s the mar that’s the message of depth and weight you know that I carry that you know a non-water down message from our original 100 men and women so that should either one of my kids need AA you know that that it’s going to be around for them and uh thanks again for letting me share thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day