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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Mike Loren's um good friend of mine and just a wonderful retreat master. We're so fortunate to have him here from Indiana, Indianapolis.

My my name's Mike and I'm an alcoholic. >> Uh my dry date is September 7th, 1985 and uh my home group's the dignitary sympathy group in Indianapolis, Indiana. Uh we meet on uh Tuesday nights and uh be pleased to see any of you coming through town.

Uh we used to be uh since our inception for about 18 years we were a men's group and uh through some exploration in group inventory over a period of four or five years we're now uh open to all who suffer from alcoholism and uh it's uh the girls now get to come up in the treehouse and uh play with the guys and uh you know we found an amazing thing that we didn't uh that we didn't dilute the quality of our meeting at all. As a matter of fact, we may have raised it a couple of notches. Uh that was that was a gift incidentally from uh a friend of your mine and I'm sure yours too, Don.

Uh from Aurora. Uh Don said, "You know, if you don't have any girls there, what you've got is you got guys that don't know anything about women teaching other guys about women." And uh uh what uh what I thought I would do with your your permission here to start is that uh now that I've introduced myself uh we'll uh have a little uh few minutes of meditation and then uh do a prayer and and we'll get started uh getting to know each other and forming the group here. So if you want to get comfortable and kind of relax into the stillness a little bit uh but just have a find that for some of the people that uh haven't had a lot of experience with meditation that we'll we'll start with a little little piece of music here that kind of helps us maybe relax into that stillness.

And this piece is a a piece uh called uh the prayer of St. Gregory. And uh it's just kind of a favorite of mine.

So uh with your permission we'll start Heat. Heat. Heat.

Heat. Heat. Heat.

Heat. Heat. Heat.

Heat. Heat. Heat.

Heat. Heat. Heat.

Heat. Heat. Heat.

Heat. Heat. Amen.

you know, our I'm just kind of the sideshow here this weekend. Uh I'm uh I'm here so I'm here so you'll get together. Uh and uh I suspect looking at this setting that uh you'd be delighted to come here anyway uh because it's such a beautiful place.

Uh but we going to hopefully spend a weekend getting to know ourselves and each other better. And by doing that uh we'll end up knowing God better. And uh I think it's a wonderful way for us to spend a weekend.

I uh wrote a little prayer for this weekend and I'd like to share that with you. Loving spirit, we ask your blessing for all who have gathered in this sacred place of retreat. Let us be conscious of your presence as we form this group.

We ask that you remove our fear, especially of each other, and bring our hearts and minds into unity. Unity with each other that we may learn to grow in harmony. unity with you that we would we may do your will always.

Loving father, please guide our dialogue with each other that your will be for us may be revealed. Open our minds and hearts that we can set aside our old ideas. Let us be constantly reminded that you desire our happiness above all things.

Amen. But uh in order that I can begin to get to know you better, I've there are a few old friends here uh that I'm so delighted to see again, but many of you I haven't met before. So, what I'm going to suggest is we'll start around the room and you can uh tell us who you are, what you are, maybe your dry date if you like, and uh uh if you have any special intention or anything special that you're looking for this weekend.

Uh now, you can look around and do a headcount here and see if we all take a couple minutes to do that that that will burn the entire night. Uh I I learned long ago that it's absolutely useless for me to try and control a crowd of alcoholics, but I'll make a suggestion that we may want to be somewhat brief about that. So uh with uh with that in mind, uh why don't we start over here with Turk?

>> Uh well, welcome. And uh you know I especially Could we have a show of hands of the people that are at their very first retreat ever? Look around.

Wow. I want I want to honor and congratulate you what it was like when I did my first retreat. I was about six went to my first retreat.

I was about six months sober. Uh and like many of you, it was the uh at the strong suggestion of a sponsor. And uh I was so afraid of what I imagined that retreat was going to be because it was in a monastery and uh I'd been, you know, avoiding God for a long time uh because I was sure he was armed and dangerous and looking for me.

And uh I uh they found me at the beginning of just as that retreat was about ready to begin. I was sure that they were going to confiscate. I was a three-pack a day smoker then and and uh carried my own thermos of coffee to make sure I had enough.

And they found me by the front gate of that retreat smoking cigarettes two at a time and uh and afraid to go in and uh one of the old-timers came and took me by the hand and and walked me into that place and uh uh that was one of the doors open to uh that open to the wonderful life I have today. So, I uh I honor people that have the courage to come for the first time. And I want to uh also honor the the people that uh the old-timers that have got here that that continue to come back and uh have the humility to continue to want to grow and learn and expand and their relationship with God and and give back to this fellowship.

Uh I think one of the saddest things I see from time to time and uh going around different places is is the people that have essentially packed it up and said, "Well, you know, I've done my share. It's now somebody else's turn." And uh you know, those people over time I don't seem to do very well. And it's a very sad thing uh to see.

And uh we've uh it's also a glorious thing to see uh see some of them waken up and and come back and and and bloom again too in this fellowship. So glad to see everybody here. Uh I suspect we've got some smokers in here.

Am I right? >> Okay. Uh, I'm going to talk for just a little bit longer and then we'll we'll take a break and uh so uh the smokers don't go crazy and we can visit the restroom and so forth.

What uh what do you like for breaks? 10 minutes, 15 minutes. What's what's the group conscience on that?

>> Years. >> Three years. Okay.

>> 10 minutes. Okay. >> All right.

Well, when we take when we take a break, uh we can make it a 10-minute break. We'll see what it really is. That's what that's when you gather again.

That's the real group conscience, you know. Uh but I'll be in the chair 10 minutes after we uh we take that break. Uh I uh I had my first drink when I was 12 years old and uh it was magic for me.

what uh what happened is described to me is described on page 27 of our basic text here. And uh in that paragraph there, Carl Young is talking to a guy by the name of Roland Hazard, which I think is just marvelous name for an alcoholic, you know, but Ro Roland I was kind of more like a rolling hazard. Uh Roland was a a rich alcoholic, the most dangerous kind.

And uh he was his family was able to send him to Europe to be with the the finest psychiatrist available at the time who's uh at that time was Carl Young. Uh he was probably neck andneck with Freud at that point in time. And uh they spent time together.

He spent uh in six months more or less living at at Carl Young's compound and letting Carl work on him. Uh and at that end of that time there sure Roland was sure that his drink problem had been solved. And so he was going to go back to the states.

Now in those days you didn't take the Concord or a 747 back to the States. You went to one of the ports and you embarked on a on a liner and came back. And uh he was sitting around in Paris waiting to catch his ship uh when somebody asked him the wrong question.

And the wrong question for him was, "Would you like some wine with your meal, sir?" And before he knew what had happened, six months of not drinking and six months of everything that Carl Young was able to teach him, just went up and smoked. He had a strange metal blank spot. And so he made his way back to Carl and uh you know I don't know if he's I suspect being alcoholic he wanted his money back but I don't you know I that part isn't recorded but uh he essentially asked Carl what in the heck happened to me you know what in the world I was I was sure that you know what you taught me and everything else I I was never going going to drink again.

And Carl essentially says, "Well, you're doomed. You know, there you apparently are certain a certain type of alcoholic." And uh no treatment we have, as far as we know, is able able to change that and not liking that diagnosis like any of us, Roland says, "Well, isn't there anything that can be done?" And he says, 'Well, yes, once in a while, here and there, men have had spiritual awakenings or spiritual experiences, great emotional rearrangements and displacements. Uh, and uh, they seem to not drink again.

Uh, and the way he described a spiritual awakening was he said ideas and emotions that were the guiding force in the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side and a new set of conceptions take hold. Now, that's exactly what happened to the 12-year-old. I was a 12-year-old that needed a drink.

Uh, and when I took that drink, ideas, emotions, and everything that had governed my life up to that point in time got set off to the side. I was I was a little Mr. Goody two shoes.

I was a kid you probably wanted to slap. I worked in the principal's office. I was a little honor student.

Uh, I was the te I was the teacher's pet. I was, you know, little boy scout, all that kind of stuff. Uh, and I didn't do those things, by the way, because I was really truly a good kid.

I did those things to get approval because what I needed was approval. I needed praise, particularly from adults, and approval. And I had that spiritual awakening and I didn't need any of that crap anymore.

Uh, I was within a couple of weeks, all of that stuff was going on. Now, I wasn't didn't become a continuous drinker at 12 years old, but what I did is I found found something that worked. And it wasn't until much later when a man was helping me in this program uh that he pointed that out to me and showed me what had happened to me.

uh that I'd but what I what I who I'd always been what I'd always been was somebody who had desperately I'd been a child who desperately needed a spiritual awakening and I didn't know how to have one on my own and so I I stole one out of a bottle and because it was stolen I couldn't keep it. It was synthetic but the rest of my life was a search for that awakening. Now, I had no clue that was because if you'd asked me when I came around here, like I always kind of chuckle when I hear people talking about searching for their spirituality.

My understanding is we all have spirituality. Spirituality is like health. You can have good health or bad health, but we all have health.

Uh, and I'm innately a spiritual being. uh what I didn't have was I didn't have any consciousness of that. I didn't have an awareness of that that was useful to me.

And so I lived in a state of fear. Uh and everything I did in my life was one way or another uh taken in that direction to to uh to have that awakening. Uh I uh I didn't have any consequences from drinking when I was 12 years old.

Uh and I won't take you through a long drunkalog here. Some of it will probably come up over the weekend as as we talk about various things. But uh to give you a couple snapshots of what life was like, I I'm maybe 15 years old and I grew up in a little town, a college town, uh maybe a great deal like Eugene here.

I was a a Big 10's college town in Iowa City, Iowa is where I grew up. Uh and uh in the 50s when I grew up, it was kind of an Aussie and Harriet kind of place. People left their keys in the car, didn't lock their houses.

Everybody kind of knew the neighbors. Uh on uh on Friday nights, uh we had this kind of uh big loop or block we lived on and uh all the all the fathers had had put a bunch of grills together in the center of the backyards there and we'd we'd have fish fries on the on on the weekends and all the every every family bring something different. And so I was I was used to pitchins at an early age.

Uh and so that was the kind of uh background I had. I need to tell you by the way I uh partially as a matter of men's I I come from I used to say a normal family. I I'll tell you it's a functional family and I don't know I'm sure not sure what a normal family would be.

Uh I uh I'm the oldest of four kids. Uh I uh I just uh buried my mother two weeks ago today. Uh, and my uh I so was so desperate to belong when I got here that I uh I invented an entire dysfunctional family because I thought I needed a dysfunctional family in order to fit in.

Uh, and by saying that, I'm I'm not dissing anybody who had that experience because I've got dear friends that had horrific childhoods. But I lied about mine. You know, uh, now the family wasn't perfect, but what the family did is when there was a problem, the family faced the problem.

And frequently I was the problem. So, I'm back to telling the truth about those family members now. But uh it's a it's a I'm the like I said I'm the oldest.

It's it's maybe a Wednesday night during the school week and I'm uh I'm coming in about midnight 1:00 and the door is not locked but I'm a little clumsy getting in because I I' I've been out drinking some. Uh and I make some noise and my mother wakes up and she says, "Mike, is that you?" And I swear at her, f off. Leave me alone.

You know, that was a serious mistake. Uh, my father got through college on a scholarship playing tackle for Drake University. If if that gives you the kind of the picture here and I'm 15 and I'm drunk.

And so my dad would get up and my dad even though he was a very big man, was a very gentle man. Uh would would never never lay a hand on me, but he would not allow me to abuse my mother. So he'd say, "Son, you're you're not going to talk to your mother like that." Uh now being drunk, I would do the next insane thing.

I'd wind up and take a swing at him. Uh, now thank God I'm big enough that I can cause him a little trouble, but he he'd have mercy on me and rather instead of just knocking my head off, he'd restrain me, but I'm a big enough kid that I can cause him a little trouble. So, we're wrestling around on the kitchen floor and I'm maybe trying to slam his head in a cupboard.

And now the other three younger kids are up and they're upset and they're crying because they're afraid that their daddy and their big brother are going to hurt each other. Uh, that doesn't sound like any description of social drinking that I'm familiar with. See, I got here with the illusion that I I'd had a normal drinking life up to a given point and that at somewhere it just went off the rails, you know, when I was uh but I get to see what the truth of my experience is taking a year or two down the road.

I'm 16, 17 and I'm driving now. Uh, that's why I put it in that time frame. And I uh we're sitting around the kitchen table uh and in the middle of the table is uh my sister's uh hope chest, a little one of these little wooden boxes the gals had in those days.

And the reason it's there is she kept her babysitting money in that hope chest and it's gone. And so we're having a family meeting to uh figure out what happened to Carol's money. And uh I did well.

You're doing it too. They all seem to be looking at me and I looked him right in the eye and you know what in the hell are you looking at me that way for? I don't know what happened to her money.

And of course I did. her big brother took the money that she was saving for a special dress and I went out and I bought a keg for my friends out at the lake that weekend and had a big party uh so I could be the be the center of attention, the guy that brought the keg. And so here I am, you know, I I'm in this illusion that I'm a normal social drinker, but the truth is that almost out of the gate, I'm bringing violence into my home and I'm stealing to support my habit.

Uh this is not the picture of normal drinking that I have. I uh that's I need to talk a minute about what alcohol did for me. I was I was a frightened kid like I said.

Uh now the way I I understand that today is I didn't walk around saying I was frightened. What I walked around is I was a bully. I was a walk around I was I was angry.

I I walk around I'd get in your face uh and all that stuff. And I didn't understand that that was uh that was my way to control my fear was to to push back at the world. And uh the alcohol did something for me.

It it it opened me up. It loosened me up. It it gave me what a scared kid out of a little town in Iowa.

I could uh uh I could go off and I could uh I could go to go to the army, go to Vietnam. Uh I could uh that always puzzled me, by the way. Uh, I ended up uh the most highly decorated soldier of that period out of my part of my little part of the country there, eastern Iowa, and had my picture in the paper.

And uh, the good part of that was that, you know, my folks got to see my name in the paper for something other than, you know, uh, getting picked up on Saturday night. Uh but uh I couldn't ever reconcile the fact that I had stuff signed by the secretary of defense and the president that said I was gallant in action and all this other stuff and I couldn't understand reconcile that with the the fear I I felt uh and so I I even felt like a a phony there. uh that uh I mean I needed the I needed part of me needed the recognition and part of me uh despised myself for acknowledging it because I knew I was scared to death, you know.

Uh and our friend Don helped me walk me into that uh years ago. Uh he said, you know, I said, Don, how how is it that I could be so frightened? And uh I'm doing things like running at machine guns and doing this stuff, you know.

Uh and he said, "Oh," he says, "You just did that out of fear." He said, "You were more afraid of being a coward than you were uh the consequences of your behavior." And uh so I I get to see that again that I was a guy who needed to drink more than drink more than ever. Uh, and when I came back from that, uh, because of my experience, uh, that, uh, I could get a break, you know, I could I could walk in and if I did something or if I got too drunk or if I bent a car or something, you know, I could get the local police chief to say, "Well, you know, I guess if I'd been where you are, you'd been and did what you did, I I I might might need to let off a little steam, too." Uh, and so I I'm I'm out trading on that stuff now. and and and living living a dishonest life.

Now, that also the alcohol also was fuel that that got the little scared kid out of Iowa uh to go to go into business and end up in Chicago and New York and Atlanta and and and some places that I guarantee I would have never had the guts to go if I if I couldn't couldn't have a drink in my hand. If I had a drink in my hand, I can say yes to life. And for a period of time, I didn't seem to it didn't seem to go way off the rails.

If to the extent that there were bad incidences, uh they were uh they were they were minor. I wasn't paying a price for them. Uh and that slid down.

It's uh we've been here a little over an hour. Why don't we take that 10-minute break now and and uh come on back and we'll keep going here. that I've ever I don't know I've ever that I've ever seen a group gather this reather this fast without without a cowbell or something going on here that you're a this the spirit must be among us here tonight something uh well I told you a little bit about how my drinking started out uh I don't want to we all know what goes on let me let me tell you about the end of my drinking here and just kind of cut to the chase Uh the end of my drinking.

Uh I well I used to say that I was living with a woman. The truth was I was living off a woman. Uh uh and I'd become what I had not been raised to be.

I was uh I was I was using uh and uh I was pretty much unemployable at this time. The career is gone. The houses are gone.

the cars or well I've got a I've got a shelled out 280 Nissan Z that that when I when I used to go to the club people used to kid me about that I'd apparently taken that car in a daylight raid over Germany because there were great big holes through all the body panels uh like I'd been hit by a flack and and my days started that I'd get up whenever I could get up and I'd go out to the kitchen in this apartment and I'd make a drink uh and I'd take the drink into the bathroom and I'd sit on the edge of the tub and try and get that first drink to stay down because I wasn't going to be able to do anything until the first drink stayed down. And some days it did and some days it didn't. Uh, and if I if I was going to write a bad check that day, I I filled out as much of it as I could right there at home because it was humiliating to stand in a store in front of a clerk and have my hands just dance across the the check and uh I was a functional alcoholic because she had a job and and we And we were living with the fiction that, you know, one day I was going to be employable again and things were going to change and I was going to be back in the big time.

And uh but I knew in my heart that wasn't going to happen. I uh I didn't find out until later that I was on an allowance then. And uh the way my allowance worked was that when she came home from work, she decided how much money she was going to let me steal from her that night.

And that's how much money she'd leave in her purse. And she she'd put the put the rest of it under the tire cover in the trunk of the car before she came in the apartment, you know. Uh and you know, the only way you can do that is one day at a time.

So I I I knew about one day at a time living before I got here. Uh, I can't tell you what happened, but one morning I found myself crawling around the floor of that bathroom and I decided to try one more time to get sober. Now, I' I'd been coming to various places, including AA, for the past six years, and and uh my best friends and drinking buddies were were either the ones that were still alive and had survived the car wrecks and the overdoses and all of that stuff.

Uh they'd gotten sober. Uh one of those guys going to be celebrating 30 years this July 4th. Uh, and but I'd gone to the same same treatment centers and tried to see the same people and and uh I went there and I was sincere, but it just didn't seem to work for me.

I mean, I was the kind of guy that I walked around treatment with a legal pad taking notes. You know, as a matter of fact, that may have been part of the problem there. What if I one of the counselors that had my number grabbed me and he says, "You know, Mike, this may come as a shock to you, but you're not member of the staff.

You know, we're you're not here as a consultant because I was taking the need to do this, need to I uh but I could parrot all this stuff and I I thought I'd had the best that recovery had to offer here. Uh but of course, I was wrong." And uh I can't tell you because I was I was I completely hopeless because I thought that I tried everything and nothing worked. And I don't know why I tried to get sober one more time, but uh some wind of grace blew through that bathroom.

And uh I told uh that gal that I was I needed to try and get sober again. Uh and uh I'm living in Indianapolis, but I'm confused. There's there's VA centers there and there's VA centers in Illinois and everything else, but the only VA center I could remember was in the middle of my old home state, Iowa, uh place called Knoxville.

So, I told her I was going to try and get sober again, and she filled up my tank with gas, gave me 20 20 bucks and a pint of light Bikardi rum, and I set off to find sobriety. Yeah, I uh this was this was a Labor Day weekend. And our Labor Day weekends in the Midwest are sometimes very very hot and this was 100 plus plus the heat index.

I don't know what it was, but it was it was one of the roasting times. And and I'm of course I'm a drunk. I'm in bad shape and uh the air conditioning doesn't work in that car.

Uh but I got in the car and the w the the rum was a mercy because she knew I didn't like rum all that much. So I'd probably sip it slow, but I was more dangerous driving completely sober in those days than I was if I had a little something in me. I I mean I just made quick moves across three and four lanes with just a a twitch.

And uh I went as got in that car in that heat and I went as far as I could go and and as far as I could go uh left me about a 100 miles short of that treatment facility. Uh now the other places I went to I'd had insurance fine insurance and I'd had some money to spend and everything else and I'm out of resources now. I'm I'm down to what the VA will do for me.

and uh I can't make the last 100 miles and where I pull off Interstate 80 is right near my old hometown in Iowa City and my uh my dad's dead by this time. Uh but my mother and two two of my brothers still live there. Uh but I I know today that they would have welcomed me and helped me.

Uh but maybe one of the things that broke with me was that I just lost the ability to go hurt them one more time. Uh cuz some of the the stuff I did wasn't the that was really harmful. Wasn't so much the stuff that the war stories that I told.

What I did is I took the people that loved me the most and time after time I gave them hope and then I crushed their hearts. This time my son's getting better. this time our brother's going to make it.

Let's all let's all get together and we'll help Mike. We'll support Mike. We'll do whatever we need to for Mike, you know.

Uh and I knew bottom for me was knowing that no matter how much I loved you and no matter how much I wanted to not drink, I'm if you're near me and you love me, you're going to get hurt. And so the only thing I can do is stay away from you. So, where I ended up was on the front porch of the parents of my best friend and drinking buddy from high school.

Uh Jerry gotten sober and moved away some years ago, but uh his dad Buck and and his wife Netty were still living there in the house. And Buck was my one of my old drinking buddies. Uh even though he'd been my friend's dad, Buck was an old paratroo trooper uh from World War II.

And when I was in the service, uh, toward the end of every month, I'd get a letter from Buck with a $20 bill in it. And Buck would say, you know, the note would go something like this. I know damn well you're broke by now, and you probably need a drink.

You know, uh, go have a good time. And 10-centent P canned PX beer, you know, I could with 20 bucks, I could I could get going on that stuff. And, uh, Buck and his wife had done a terrible thing.

They about eight years before that they gotten sober and they uh and and I lost my drinking buddy and I didn't like it. And uh they were they were doing crazy stuff like talking about God and praying and and even going to church. Uh and I got to tell you that I didn't didn't accept that gracefully.

Uh I badmouththed them to anybody to their face and to anybody who'd listened. And I think church puppies was probably the nicest thing I called them along the way. You know, how can an old man guy from the parachute regiment turn into a, you know, uh, and here I am knocking on the front door and I'm dying and I can't make the last 100 miles.

Uh, and they came to the door and they looked at me and then looked at each other and they just both put their arms around me and just drew me into that living room. And without saying another word, they both had their arms around me. They said a prayer for me to get better.

And I stood still for the prayer. And then Buck, being a practical man, gave me a drink and put me to bed. Uh, and I got up the next day and they took me the last 100 miles.

And Buck and I had a chance. He left. He left us a couple years ago, but we had a a lot of years to talk about what happened there.

And we we about all we remembered about that trip that I I was sitting in the back seat and I' I'd reach up over that seat and I'd grab Buck by the shoulder and and I'd be crying. I'd said, "Buck, Buck, please tell me. Please tell me how do I get this God stuff?

How do I get this God stuff? Because it's it seemed to work for everybody else. And I I didn't doubt it.

It was such a mystery, but I didn't believe it could happen for me. I knew it was real because I saw it happen to other people. But I didn't believe that I could have a personal relationship with a power greater than myself that was going to do anything.

And if Buck answered, I don't remember what it was, and neither could he. And so when I got to that treatment center, uh, I, uh, well, a couple good things happened to me. The first thing was that, you know, God knew, I guess, what I needed.

And what I needed right then is they they did a me medical evaluation and they they said, "You're too sick to go to treatment. uh we got to put you in the intensive care unit here in the hospital for a little while. Uh and then if you make it, we'll see about treatment.

And one of one of my spiritual awakenings is when this orderly came around and you know, one of the great things about intensive care is they leave you alone. There isn't anybody else there. They come in and check vitals and do stuff like that.

Uh but you know, there was nobody to lie to. You know, if you'd put me in I'm I'm in institutionalizing well now. If you put me in a treatment unit, right, then I'm I know what to do.

I know how to get along. Uh I'm treatment slick. You know, I'm I'm going to be I'm going to be working my will inside that treatment center in a matter of days if I if I have my deal.

But I didn't. I'm in intensive care. There's nobody to lie to.

And this orderly and he should have it looked like he was carrying a sythe over his shoulder like death itself comes comes in and he just is I I need this form need you to sign this form and tell me where we you want your belongings solid sent for the next kin you mean you're not going to talk about my treatment program and what and I woke up a little bit. And once they unhooked me from everything there and got me in a regular I I did a couple things that I'd never done before. I made two decisions I believe that saved my life.

One was that I was going to even though I didn't know how, I was going to start trying to have this relationship with God. Uh, and I began praying. Uh, even though I didn't know much.

I mean, I'm I'm starting out from a no, I lay me down to sleep place on this. Uh, Jesus loves me. All this kind of stuff.

I And the next the other thing was that I if I get out of here, I'm going to become a member of Alcoholic Anonymous. Up until then, I' I'd been to plenty of meetings, but I was just the guy that was taking up space and keeping the chair warm. Uh I wasn't really a member, an active member of this program.

A miracle happened in there. By the way, I uh well, a lot of them, but you know, found out that they hadn't changed anything in this treatment program from all the other ones I came. you know, the 12 steps were still the same and the book was still blue and all that kind of stuff.

But I'd gotten changed and after I'd been there maybe three weeks, they had an election for uh uh officers in this the the patients running the treatment center, the treatment unit there class. and I was nominated to be class president and they walked out of the v room and they had a vote and I came back in uh and thank God I lost. You know, if id won, you probably have a different guy sitting here tonight because my ego would have reinflated uh to the standpoint that I could have taken me out of here.

But even I couldn't miss the message that I'd just come in in second place in the nutouse. I uh you know I told you I got a functional family. I I got a my baby brother would ride his motorcycle 100 miles each way to come have lunch with me when he could.

Uh that's a functional family. uh they uh they all loved me and supported me when I uh I couldn't get back to Indianapolis right away when I got out of that place. And so where I got to go like all good alcoholics, I got back to go back home to mommy and here I here I am in my old bedroom.

Well, my youngest brother doesn't have our disease, but he'd already started was starting the business that he's still in today, uh, as a distributor of fine wines. And so, my, uh, my old bedroom was his first warehouse. So, I'm my first night out of treatment, I'm I'm here's my here's my old bed, and surrounded on three sides to the ceiling are cases of wine.

Uh, you know, I I I share this with all the folks that think you need special conditions. You know, uh, I I was surrendered. I was done.

You know, it could have been anything in those there. There was those boxes didn't have any anything that I wanted in them anymore. Uh so anyway, I I got back to Indianapolis and I uh eventually and I uh proceeded on my course to become a junior guru in AA and I went to uh 11 meetings a week for several years.

I still go to five meetings a week. I I I enjoy meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I'm somebody that that will take any solution and turn it into a problem, you know. son.

I uh you know I essentially it I got I got active. I started a meeting. I did all kinds of things.

Uh every service gig I could get my hands on. And what I did essentially over my first four and a half years in Alcoholics Anonymous, call it five, uh, realized was exactly what I did years before when I'd gone to the University of Iowa. When I went to the University of Iowa, I went over the fieldhouse and I registered for classes.

Uh, and I went downtown and I went to the student bookstore and I bought all my books. Uh, I joined a book fraternity, threw the books in the closet and started partying. And if you ran into me on campus and asked me what I was doing, I said, "Oh, I'm a pre-law student here at the University of Iowa." Well, you know, that was technically true.

But the fact was I almost never went to class. And that's what I I never missed I never missed a meeting. I never missed a dance.

I never missed a committee function. I never But I was almost completely unscarred by the recovery program, Alcoholics Anonymous here. Uh and you know, meetings do work.

If you go to a meeting, you will feel better. But what it was happened to me, it's like I'm I'm like a guy with a a bad wisdom tooth and I go into the dentist and he looks at the tooth and he says, "Oh, Mike, I think we're going to have to take that tooth out." Oh, no, no, don't do it. Give me some Novacaane.

Uh, and uh I come back a little later. Oh, that tooth, my face is all puffed up. Oh, no.

Give me some Novacaane. You know, and I will I will get some relief. I will feel better time.

But all the while the condition is getting worse. I'm sitting here. I'm finally come to a point all as I'm approaching my fifth anniversary in AA.

I mean, it's an unimaginable period of sober time for me. I couldn't conceive after what I'd been through that it would be possible for me to stay sober even a year, let alone five. And here I am.

And I was I was more desperate and I was I was more discouraged than I'd ever been in my life because you see I didn't know what was going on. But here I was further from a drink than I ever expected to be. And I'm dying of untreated alcoholism right in the middle of five, six, seven, eight, 10 meetings a week.

I'm dying of alcoholism. How can this be? Uh, well, I haven't experienced the recovery program of alcohol, alcoholic synonymous is how that could be.

And God's got a delicious sense of humor that uh I uh I got my life saved by the guy I disliked most in Alcoholics Anonymous. Uh, the man I dislike most in Alcoholics Anonymous, a couple of guys here know him as a man by the name of Gary B. Uh, and uh, Gary, well, Gary's 41 years sober now.

I uh, I the first time I saw Gary, I was a couple months sober and he was 45 years old and getting a 21-year token. And all the girls in the meeting went, "Oh, God, it's him. Isn't he gorgeous?

He's so tall and slender and oh, he looks so good." Yeah. Yeah. And even my married girlfriend thought he was cute.

And he's probably need to cover that now here. One of the one of the things I'd managed to do around here and because I'm a junior guru is I I managed I managed to convince myself that this married girlfriend was God's will. Uh I I end up I'm sponsoring her 16-year-old son.

And I play Uker Uker on the weekends with her husband and he's a gun toing federal agent. This got me this got me fired by my second sponsor who may may have saved my life by firing me there. He grabbed me in the parking lot of the club one day and he says, "Mike," he says, "You know, I keep confronting you about your behavior with this gal." And he says, "And every time I do, you explain it to me in such a way I think start to think that this is God's will and I know that's crazy and so I can't be around you anymore.

You're fired." And I'm required to mention that because the fact is that I know now from experience. I didn't know it then that I'm by far from the only person that makes has made that kind of mistake around here and that you don't have to get drunk because you made that kind of mistake. my experiences, I had to change my behavior.

But just because I made a serious error in judgment like that, I don't have to get drunk. I don't have to throw it all away. Uh so I I saw Gary several times thereafter and and I generally avoided him as much as possible and I would have avoided him on this occasion.

It's we had a it's not in existence anymore, but we used to have a Sunday morning meeting at one of the hotels. It was kind of a on the north side and it was white tablecloths and uh fine china and coffee and if you can believe it this they even charge drunks a dollar for a cup of coffee uh at the at this things and had people pouring and I had my little junior guru at the front of the table at the front of this deal. Uh and I was sitting up there with my people and I found out too late that Gary was going to be the speaker at this thing.

Uh now if there God will give work with whatever I give him and my ego is such that my I'm I believe that if I get up and walk out of this meeting which was what I really wanted to do that everybody would notice and wonder what was wrong with me. So I sat there pinned down by my own ego and I listened to the guy I dislike most and Alcoholics Anonymous and I and he lied for well over an hour. I mean, he he talked about being 20 years sober and selling his house and cashing in his retirement plan in order to make amends.

And I knew that was a lie. And he told other lies, too. Uh, and he happened to mention where his home group was, and his home group was way the other side of town from where I lived, was 30 miles each way.

Uh, and so I my mind decided I'm going what I'm going to do is I'm going to track this guy down to his home group, get the goods on him and prove he's a liar and a phony and expose him. So this is my motive that I'm start driving to to his home group. And of course, God's got a sense of humor and Gary's the first one that greets me at the door.

You know, hi gosh, we you know, been hoping you'd show up down here one of these days. And I thought, well, they've heard about me. Well, I I found out they had, but that not for the reason I thought.

Uh, there's the guy that's dating the federal agent's wife. Yeah. And then then being a good experienced member of Alcoholics Anonymous, when that meeting was over, you know, I thought, well, I didn't get to, you know, I d I won't come back here again.

And I'm walking out the door and Gary says, "Hey, I'm supposed to chair next week, but you know, I have some business going on. I may not be able to be here. Could you fill in for me?" Well, now they need me to chair their meeting for him.

So, I got to come back. And it started uh that way. So, I kept coming back and eventually I was invited to join a group of men that were going to uh take the book Alcoholics Anonymous and start at the title page and go through the book and and uh read the black print on the white page and and follow the instructions.

And uh few days before we were supposed to start that uh my conscience started bothering me and at that time Gary had an office just we were in both in an office park and he was kind of in the building across the lake from me and so I called Gary up. I says you don't uh happen to be able to have lunch do you? And he says well as a matter of fact I had a cancellation I can't have lunch.

So, okay. I got I meet him for lunch and I sit down and I said, "Gary, I from everything I've heard you guys talk about, these these workshops are extremely intimate settings and in intimate experiences and uh uh there's just a tremendous amount of honesty and sharing there." And I said, "Before I start with this with you," I said, "You need to know I don't like you at all." Uh, and he laughed and uh he said, "Well, I reckon we can deal with that, cowboy." And he went on to tell me that the guy he did his first fifth step with uh back in the 60s was a guy named Ernie. Uh, and that that was the time of love and and and peace and everything else.

And uh the young people back then would when they were in meetings would greet each other with a peace symbol across the room. He says the only problem was Ernie was missing one finger when he waved at me. Uh so I went through that and I further from a drink than I ever expected to be.

I I finally had the experience uh I was touched through my own experience with by the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Uh and the the miracle almost happened. See, because I was almost in, you know, I was I wasn't going to drink again, folks.

I was I was looking for a bridge to run into. See, because I was more hopeless at five years than I was when I was in that de detox center. Because at least when that I was in that detox center, I thought maybe alcoholic synonyms, maybe somehow it could work for me.

But here I was, I hadn't had a drink for 5 years, but I'm going crazy. And apparently I believed it. I loved it.

I went to the meeting. It works for you, but somehow it's not touching me. And that's why they say don't don't leave before your miracle happens.

I didn't have I didn't have it. I I was under the illusion since I'd been to all these meetings and done all this stuff that I was somehow, you know, I I'd experienced what Alcoholics Anonymous had to offer. Uh, and it wasn't so at all.

I uh my life's been wonderful since then. Uh I've I've had some days I wouldn't uh wouldn't like to experience again along the way. But you know the fact is that uh I've been given everything I needed to meet those situations.

Not long after that first time through the steps, uh, well, one of the thing, one of the mistakes I made, I I was I was I was married to a gal I love very much and she was a member of Alcohol is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, sober a year longer than I am, as a matter of fact. And being who I am, after I had that workshop experience, I came home to our house and told her that I was going to conduct step study school in that house for her. Uh, do not try this at home.

Uh, you know, I, uh, I started hearing things like, you know, I watch at meetings, you know, and everything else. Do you suppose our home could be one of the places you'd practice these principles you've learned? Oo.

Yeah. Uh, I listen to you talking to those guys you sponsor and you tell them things about yourself that I've never heard you say. Uh, do you suppose what would it take for me to have a, you know, half hour, 45 minute intimate conversation with you?

Uh, you've never once told me you're afraid of anything. uh you've never, you know, I didn't have a clue. And so eventually it turns out that I find out we're going to have a divorce at my house.

And here I am now. I'm six almost seven years sober. And I all of a sudden uh my oh I've been making money again by the way but my now my luxury car is gone.

Uh my bank account is down to 32 bucks and I'm living in the sleeping bag I've got upstairs there. I'm living in that sleeping bag on the floor of a friend's den. Uh but you know what?

I wouldn't want to do that again. But I was I was free in that sleeping bag. I had a relationship with a power greater than myself.

Uh and I didn't like my circumstances one bit. And I didn't like the fact that my marriage was coming to an end and I didn't seem to be able to do anything about it. Uh but the thought of a drink never occurred.

Uh I uh I've got guys today that are sober quite a while that uh uh that was in ' 92. There was guys that are sober quite a while that you know said you know uh you were sponsoring me then Mike and and I was sure my sponsor was going to get drunk cuz he he lost his stuff and ended up living in a sleeping bag. Uh and just watching although I wasn't conscious I sure wasn't doing it for anybody's benefit but they said you know watching you walk through that period of time uh was really important to me.

Uh so uh we're teachers of a sort whether we know it or not at all sorts of times. I uh I uh couple years ago uh late 2002, I uh I got a phone call uh from a nurse that says uh uh we want to schedule you for a a CAT scan. And I said, "Okay, but why am I going to be having a CAT scan?" She says, "Oh, the doctor hasn't talked to you yet." And uh so the doctor comes on the line.

He says, "Well, uh Mike, I'm sorry you found out this way. I Anyway, uh long story short, your your biopsy came back and you've got a very high-grade aggressive form of cancer here and and we need to we need to find out uh how much it may have spread and uh what what any treatment options might be. Uh and uh I called our friend Don and I I said, "Don, they just told me I had cancer." And Don says, 'Well, cowboy.

He says, 'How does it feel to know that the fact you aren't going to live forever isn't just a theory, you've you've given me h, you know, and we we we had a laugh and we we could deal with that. Uh, you know, wasn't based on denial and and in and rosy scenarios. I obviously survived that, but I got a I got a chance to surrender all over again.

And the cancer I had was was was prostate cancer and uh it had spread outside the prostate. Uh and uh didn't know that immediately. Uh and so I got a chance to make another surrender because I'm I don't know why they seem to schedule surgery at 5 in the morning, but uh that's maybe because I'm just numb then anyway.

So, uh, resistance, but I'm I'm I'm laying on this gurnie naked as a J-bird with a sheet over me. And, uh, the resident comes around and goes over what they're going to do with this surge surgery. And, uh, okay.

He says, "And you know," he says, "It looks like we're probably may have a fair chance of being able to spare your nerves, so you'll be able to continue to function sexually in a normal fashion." Good. Uh and uh then another doctor came by and he said uh well he said I'm sure you're aware due to the progression of this we're not going to be able to save anything. And I said wait a minute send the first guy back.

And he says well you got to know understand that I'm his boss. Uh and uh so I'm laying there with a decision to make and it wasn't really a decision at all because I' i'd been with you and been held in the power of go hands and power of God for a long time and you know I could just say you know thy will be done do what you do what you will and uh out of that see I get a beautiful experience because uh although I didn't know it was going to be for a limited time. Uh what I what I got is I I got to essentially my uh my sexual powers were temporarily removed and I got to find out who I was when I couldn't wave the magic wand.

Uh and I don't know about you, but a lot of the guys I talk to, that's a big part of our identity. uh and who am I without that and where do I fit into God's plan in the scheme of things? Uh now as it turned out what God did for me there what he's done for me several other times is I've got a very kind God and uh what he does is because when I'm on the field and busy playing the game I don't I can't I'm so busy playing the game that I don't see what's going on.

So what this loving God does is every now and then he'll take me out of the game and put me in the press box for a while so I can see what's going on. Uh and so what he did around this was he he took me out of that game and put me in the press box and I got to see who I really was and and I got to have that relationship with him uh change and deepen. also got to have a relationship uh with the woman I love on a different basis, you know, uh is she going to stay?

Is she going to go? Uh all of this kind of stuff. I got to trust uh and uh she said, "You know, when you were laying there that gurnie and you you told that doctor, "Thy will be done." and she said, "I it was one of the most most powerful demonstrations of faith that I've ever seen.

I I wasn't doing it on purpose. It just wouldn't happen, but people watch us." So, I've had a I've had an amazing life uh because I stayed here long enough for the for the for the second miracle to happen and the miracles thereafter. Uh Why don't we take a another 10-minute break here and we'll come back and we'll do one more session and then wrap it up for tonight.

Okay, it's nine. I got nine o'clock. We'll try 10 after 9 when out.

You guys put me up here so I'd have my back to the fire and you just kind of turn the temperature up on me here and kind of roast the truth out of me here. It's a really >> it's it's a glorious thing to watch this group form up, you know, because I know a lot of you know each other, but will this group this way will only meet one time and uh you know, everybody's relationship is just a little different because of and will be different because what's happened here and one of the things I observed in watching all of you is there there there really don't there I'm sure I I hesitate to say this because somebody will being just have to prove that I'm wrong. But I I haven't seen any lone rangers operating here.

Everybody's at least in twos, you know. Uh and the real important thing that happens here is what goes on between you, not necessarily what comes out of my mouth. I'm I'm kind of like the organ grinders monkey here.

I'm just here to get the crowd together. Uh I uh powerless over alcohol that my life has become unmanageable. I uh you know it's important for me to have a current first step.

Uh I can't stay sober today. I can't be useful today based on whiskey I drank 20ome years ago. Uh that fades away.

That pain goes away. Uh when you know the truth is that if I think I'm not powerless today, I'm living in a delusion. And you know there's a difference.

The delusion is what the the untrue thought that comes from the inside. It's me fooling me. The illusion is like the m magician where the where the where it comes from the outside.

It's the it's the magician pushing getting me to look one way while he pulls the rabbit out of the hat over here. And most of the time what I suffer from is delusion. Uh it's self-induced lack of ability to see the truth and see the truth of my circumstances.

Uh you know what we really have to offer here. uh we talk about a program and a course of action and everything else and those things are all true to some extent but what we really have here is a way of life. Uh we don't have a qualification course that if you do these things you'll now okay you've satisfied those requirements I can go live life the way I want to now.

uh that now that I've dealt with the active alcoholism that I'm not going to that I'm not going to find out on a continuous basis that I'm power powerless in and my life's unmanageable. So I challenge it's important as go along for me to keep an idea of where that I need a current step first step. I need to know right here where I am with that as of today.

Uh be that as may, let me step back here and and it occurred to me. Uh one of the places where I really understood powerlessness was here. And this is just a piece of conduct inventory.

And uh this in about my sexual conduct with with the love of my life. Uh, this is the girl I wanted to marry. This is the girl I wanted to be the mother of my children.

This is the girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. This is the girl that I gave the ring to. I loved her with all of my heart.

Ellen, where was I selfish? I wanted to enjoy sex with her regardless of the consequences. Where was I dishonest?

I told her not to worry that I'd always be there for her no matter what. I dishonestly refused to consider my ability to keep that promise. Where was I inconsiderate?

Well, I gave scant considerations to the consequences of my behavior to her, her family, her faith, her reputation, and her career. I aroused jealousy. I told her that if she didn't have sex with me that I'd get it elsewhere.

That's a charming relationship technique. I paid undue attention to other women in her presence and remarked to her as to how attractive I found them. This is the best I can do in having a relationship.

I aroused suspicion. I often spent time alone with other women and she found me at uh at Holly's apartment. I roused bitterness.

When she became pregnant, I told her that I doubted it was my child. I told her mother that I was too young to get married and didn't want to marry her anyway. When she was in California having our baby, I made drunken calls to herang and harass her.

I abandoned her and our child. And because she was in California and I was back home, I blamed her to all the other people for deserting me. Who did I harm?

Well, obviously the baby, Ellen, her family, my family, and our friends. Uh, what should I have done instead? Uh, Don told me that almost anything else would be a good place to start.

Now, this is this is important though because this is where I find out what I'm really writing here is I'm planting the seed to let God take me to a different place if I'll allow it. God's a gentleman. He won't do it without my permission.

I should have treated sex as the sacred gift that it is. I shouldn't have engaged in behavior that I wasn't willing to be responsible for. I should have honestly faced the consequences of my actions.

I should have been honest with myself and others. My harms were all rooted in dishonesty, particularly about how afraid I was. Self-reliance will always produce fear and pain.

Uh, and so now I've got a place where I can go to God and say, you know, I'd like to be a man who could create treat sex as a sacred gift in a relationship. I'd like to be a man who can be responsible in this area of his life. you know, uh, I want to honestly face the consequences of my actions, you know, and so forth that def that was written long ago.

And and one of the nice things about that ideal for my future conduct is it gets to change over time as I change. Uh uh I uh I suggest that it's important for me to have one of those written down at all times so I knew who know who I am and what I'm trying to be. You know, one of the men that helped me told me, Mike, he says, "You you may you may make a promise to yourself or a request like that, and he says, you may you may not be able to keep it, but it's for sure if you never make the promise, you won't keep it.

If you don't if you don't set an ideal for yourself, uh how in the world is God going to help you live up to it, you know, and uh but this is the reason I mentioned this now and not in four step is this is where I get to understand how really powerless I am. This is the best I can do for the person I love most in the world. This is the absolute top of my game, best I can do.

And look what I did. Uh, and you know something, I know today I'm not a badass. If I could have done any better, I would have.

And that doesn't mean it was okay for me to do that. But what this takes me to, it takes me how much into my powerlessness in that I must absolutely have God's help because I I can tell you to the tip of my toes if I could have acted any differently there, I would have. And I believe most of us are that way.

All of us this aren't sociopaths or psychopaths. I mean that behavior is the behavior of a sociopath or a psychopath. Somebody who either doesn't care or doesn't is indifferent to the wrong they do or just doesn't care.

Uh and the fact is what kills me is that I do care and I do it anyway. Uh, and if I'm going to live that way, uh, sooner or later there's going to be d a drink behind it. I'm going to need some pills behind it.

I'm going to need something. Uh, so I need I need to need to acknowledge this all these these we'll talk about these in in in terms of steps one and two and three and four and so forth. But you know, I got to understand here what I have here is an approach to life that is lineage linear.

If I have a if I have a problem uh at the office come Monday, you know, there's not going to be any solution to that problem possible until I understand that I'm I'm powerless over whatever is going on here. Uh and I'm I'm willing to acknowledge that what I'm trying to do uh to change it isn't working. You know, because until I make that acknowledgement, God can't help me.

Why can God I don't need God's help. I just need these people to act right, you know. I uh I need to just explain it to you one more time.

You're doing it wrong, you know. Uh and and they dig they dig their heels in for being resist me more and all that kind of stuff and it ain't working. So now I'm living in the solution because I can't fix it and I I I can't change it.

uh then it's very simple. Am I willing to am I willing to consider the possibility that I might be able to get spiritual help with this problem? If I say yes, my second steps in place, I'm willing to ask for spiritual help.

Third step in place, you know, am I willing to examine what's really going on here? I pick up the pencil and I start writing. you know, I uh and then I get get ready where I where I get to a point where I'm I'm really really ready to say to God, you know, if you'd take this mess I've made, I'd let you do it.

Now sometimes you know I don't need to take weeks or months or write a book and then in order to do that I do this hundreds of time a week in every time I you know I'm smart enough to realize that I've hit a speed bump in life you know but it's all the same process. It's not a once a year process. It's not a once a month process or when I'm working with others process.

It's it's a way of life. uh and so whether I know it or not, I I'm constantly and continuously applying these principles in my life. I uh last new guy I I worked with here uh one of the things when we do first step I I have a little in addition to first of all the foundation and reading everything in this book and we can't do that here.

uh uh I do with him what a little first step reflection here uh and I'll just share that with you here uh the question is contemplate and reflect upon and write about your relationship with alcohol for example when you first been drinking what was your experience for example what was it fun did it give you confidence uh my answer is it was a it was a miracle drug and it restored me to sanity I was insane without alcohol How did your relationship with alcohol change over time? For example, did it demand more from you than you were willing to than you were getting from it? Uh, I craved its effect from the very start.

It allowed me to feel what normal should feel like. See, it looked like to a lot of people that I was I was drinking to party, and sometimes I did, but mostly I was drinking to feel what I thought normal should feel like. I just wanted to feel comfortable like I fit inside my own skin.

And that's why sobriety had been unacceptable to me all those years. I I'd get sober and stay sober 30, 60, 90 days, but eventually came to the point that I couldn't stand the way I felt in my own skin. Uh, and one of the men that opened my eyes, he said, "Well, Mike, don't you understand sobriety is the main cause of drinking?" you know, and uh that's exactly, you know, one of those V8 moments here.

Yeah. So, it allowed me to feel normal should feel like I it allowed me to face life. It was part of the fabric of my life.

I celebrated it. I worshiped. I never even considered doing it without it.

What was your relationship with alcohol at the time of your last drink? Was your was it your friend, your lover, your enemy? Uh it was it was a disappointingly unfaithful lover.

You know, now even my best moments with me were mocking a mocking reminder of the grow glorious past. Reflect on your hopelessness and helplessness in relation to alcohol. Life was impossible without it and impossible with it.

I ca I'd casually trade away all my dreams in self-respect and then I got into the you know here's my piece of this what's today what's the most troubling circumstance in your life right now well my lack of consist at this time I I had to do some professional education to continue several of my professional licenses so my lack of consistent pro product on my progress on my CE studies are you willing to go to any length to resolve this yes where am Am I being dishonest with others? I won't set aside time to get the work and studying done. I claim that I'm too busy.

You know, where am I being dishonest with myself? I pretend I have all the time in the world to get this done, but I do in fact have a deadline to meet. You know, what do what do powerlessness and unmanageability with respect to this problem really mean to me?

And how are they different? You know, I didn't I needed to I'm powerless to do this my way and on my terms. One more time, I must surrender to the fact that I'm not special and that all of the rules do apply to me.

I'm casually feeding a little bit of my peace of mind each day into the beast of procrastination. Powerlessness is the fact of my condition. Unmanageable means that I can cannot successfully solve this with my will.

So that's one of the reason I need need to know that powerless and unmanageable did not end on September 7th of 1985. I need to have a current current relationship with this stuff. By the way, uh I uh I like it when these things get a little interactive.

So, if I say something that you have a question about, uh, or you want to add something to, uh, please feel free to do this. Uh, that's one of the reasons I like smaller groups because we can get more interchange going because we've got enough people here that we probably need to do raise a hand and do this in an orderly fashion. But, uh, definitely want to hear from you and and any questions or anything like that that you have would be a valuable contribution to what we're doing here.

show. So it says here I had to learn that I had to fully concede to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. Have I done that?

This is the first step in recovery. the delusion that I am like other people or presently maybe has to be smashed you know and that piece set me free. Uh and it set me free because uh I live I lived my life as an actor.

Uh I got up every day and I decided what role I was going to play that day and I put on my costume and it was I the businessman today, was I the boyfriend today? Was I uh you the nice guy today? Was I the jerk today?

Whatever. But I whatever I was, I was I was I was always kind of one step separated from myself. I was playing a role and and I was mostly playing a role in order to fit into what I perceived to be your world.

Uh and I wanted I I wanted to be like other people. and I found out uh they set me free here that I I'm not like other people and I'm not going to be anytime soon. So, I can drop that burden.

I still have to live by your rules. Uh go on the green, stop on the red. Uh and and all that kind of stuff, but I I was able to be free of trying to be like other people.

Uh and that was that was important for me. Uh, one of the I'd read this book for a lot of times during the first few years I was sober, but it Oh, I'd pick up a quote here. uh if you're a junior guru, you need a snappy quote or so to throw into stuff, but it it really it didn't really attach to me in any kind of personal way.

And one of the things that Gary did in that first workshop with me is he taught me to start reading this stuff in the first person so I knew that it would applied to me. Uh and he started me looking for the places where where the book makes a statement. And I need to take that statement and turn it into a question for myself.

Uh and so uh when it talks about uh blackouts occurring uh only with alcoholics and never in the normal temperate drinker, I got to ask myself, well, have I ever experienced blackouts? You know, I go go through all of this stuff here. uh and when the it it talks talks in those terms and then the book uh will make uh statements about what what happened to these people when they followed this course of action that's laid out in here and uh that those are promises and the the entire books just shot through them starting at the title page with the primary promise we're more than 100 men and women who've recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body to show other people how we recovered just it's uh and one of the things that Bill does here in writing this book is that one of the great places to find a summation if you will a cliff notes thing uh is at the beginning of each chapter Bill seems to kind of wrap up what's gone on before here.

So at the beginning of chapter 4 here, we've we've we've covered uh the doctor's opinion in the first three chapters here are essentially talking about our first step here. And so it says here in beginning of chapter 4 and the preceding chapters, you've learned something of alcoholism. Well, I do do I understand what alcoholism is at this point?

Do I understand it's not about me being more thirsty than somebody else? Do I understand that alcoholism is what happens to me when I quit drinking? >> Yeah.

That alcoholism doesn't come in bottles, it comes in people. Yeah. And that it's who I am when I'm not drinking, when I'm stone cold sober, that takes me back into the drink.

You know, the craziest thing I do is stone stone cold sober. No matter what my previous experience, no matter that I don't want to hurt this woman, no matter that I promised my employer that I'd never do that again, and he it told promised me that if I did, I would lose my job. Uh, no matter no matter what, I'm going to take a drink again.

And that I do from a place of being stone cold sober. I mean, once I'm They told me I never had to worry about the craving for alcohol again if I never took the first drink. But there's an idiot that lives inside me that stone cold sober will whisper in my ear and tell me that a good drink is a good idea.

Now, if you talk to me the way my own mind would talk to me, you know, we'd have trouble. You know, there's one of the one of my old ideas is that these internal voices are somehow more credible than the external voice that I hear. Well, it came from inside, so it must be true.

You know, uh, you know, that's that's where where a lot of my looneyess, you know, uh, I I turned out turns out that, you know, I've got to treat my own mind at times like a wet drunk. you know, uh, we get a wet drunk in our meeting and you can't shut them up. Uh, but you never follow their advice, do you?

So, I mean, there's a big piece of my mind that I'm going, well, thank you for sharing that and u move on. So, in the preceding chapters, I've hopefully learned something of alcoholism. We hope we made the distinction between the alcoholic and the non alcoholic clear.

Uh, do I know what the distinction is between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic checklist? And then they lay it out here. If when you honestly want to, you find you can't quit entirely.

That's like completely or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, you're probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. Do I believe that I'm suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer?

You know, that's because if I don't believe that, I better go back and I better I better start looking at that first step again. Uh I don't have a first step here. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.

Now, I submit to you that if we go out on the street tomorrow uh or maybe Sunday when the people are walking out of church and ask them whether they'd prefer to live life on a spiritual basis or die an alcoholic death that you wouldn't have a very large percentage opting for alcoholic death. Only an alcoholic is going to think alcoholic. Well, that could be an option.

Yeah. I was working with one young guy some time ago and and uh we got to this point and he says, "Well, so how bad is an alcoholic death?" You know? >> Yeah.

So lack of power is my dilemma. I had to find a power by which I could live and obviously it had to be a power greater than myself. Uh and it tells me this is exactly what this book about.

Its main object is to enable me to find a power greater than myself which will solve my problem. Now that's problem not problems. I thought I had problems.

And Don said, "You do, but there's one problem that causes all the other problems, and that's me uh I uh I came to the spiritual life with a lot of prejudice." And one of the one of the things that we talk about here in in this is is constantly they're begging me to lay aside my prejudice. Not get rid of it, just lay it aside. Uh I can return to my prejudice later if I'm missing it.

But uh it sounds they make me a promise here. We found as soon as we were will able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend the power which is God. I don't I don't have to have a a sophisticated ecclesiastical understanding of spiritual matters.

I don't need to be able to tell you about how many angels are dancing on the head of the pin or when when the people left Galilee or any of that kind of stuff. If I have that information, that's okay. But I don't need to have all of that information or a sophisticated understanding to begin to have this relationship with God.

Uh much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to affect contact with him. And how about another beautiful promise here?

We found that God does not make two hard terms with those who seek him. To us, the realm of the spirit is broad, roomy, all-inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnly earnestly seek. And then it tells me to ask me to look at the prejudice I have against spiritual terms and it was done with me and I do it with my guys.

I I asked them to go through this chapter and find all the spiritual terms and write out for yourself what they mean to you. Uh and the spiritual terms are generally the terms in capital letters uh in there and any other spiritual terms. I I know for me one of the things that just would set me off is anybody that would say the Lord would just send me up.

It was like chalk on a blackboard. I I just my mind snapped shut and I couldn't hear another word that was said there. And so I needed to look at why I had prejudice against that word.

So I couldn't even hear it. The minute I heard it, I reacted to it. Uh because if I don't understand what's going on here, I I can't let God change that.

I can't give away what I'm not aware of that I've got. I uh I uh I found out that I had uh God defined in such a way that God either couldn't or wouldn't help me. Uh and it's interesting here.

I got the benefit of my functional family. I when I was doing some of this work, I went back and I I gave my sister a call and I said, "Carol," I said, "You remember that crazy holy rover outfit that they used to put us on the bus and send us to and everything else?" And she said, "Well, what do you mean?" And I I gave her some more description. She says, "Oh, that church." And I said, "Yeah, you remember that they all they they scared the hell out of us and they told us we were going to burn in hell and all this kind of stuff." And she said, 'Really?' She says, "I just remember them saying Jesus loved us." See, my old ideas, you know, my sister sat right beside me.

She heard I heard I was going to burn in hell, and she heard that Jesus loved her. you know, and there profound consequences for carrying that old kind of misinformation. I don't know, maybe I was right, maybe she was right, but I tell you what, the world looks a lot of better if she's right, you know.

I I've come to find out being right's highly overrated here, you know. Yeah. And one of the go ahead.

>> And I actually ended up changing because I understood me to damn I had you know my own concept and so I said okay I don't understand and it worked fine >> for me because what I did see was that there were people that day and they obviously had an answer that I didn't have and so if I just follow along Yeah. Okay. Thanks.

Yeah. I uh you know I I I find that for me it's it's it's more important uh that I have a conception rather than a concept. Uh when I've got a concept, you can't change it.

when I have a conception, I'm I'm don't hold it lightly, but it can be changed. Uh, and I'm involving and and what I've had to do over the period of time. And my friend Clint pointed out to me that we were talking about something else, but he was he said, you know, I was talking about about relationship with him and and he says, Mike, he says, you don't have a relationship.

if you've got an arrangement. And I came to realize that most of what in life I I'd been referring to as relationships were uh arrangements. Uh that uh an arrangement means if you do this for me, I'll do this for you.

It's a it's a contractual thing. A relationship is is a sort of covenant. you know, uh, I am materially interested in your well-being and I'm gonna I'm going to act that way in support of that.

Uh, and what the way I no wonder this stuff didn't work that I was calling relationships because they were they were really arrangements. And what I really came to see is that what I'd been trying to do is is I was trying to negotiate an arrangement with God. And I called it a relationship.

You do this for me, I'll do this for you. God, I'll go do 12step work if you keep me sober. God, I'll do this if you do that.

Uh, and that's completely the way my eyes got open to that. He said, "Well, you know, do you believe in God?" Yeah, I believe in God. Do you have a relationship with God?

Well, you know, he says, 'Well, belief in God is a good place to start, but it won't get the job done. It's kind of like that cheerleader you were hot for in high school. You know, just believing in Mary won't get the job.

I mean, how satisfying is just believing in Mary? Don't you need a little something else going on with Mary? Uh, and that's true in order to have a have a real effective relationship here.

Uh so belief is the place to start. Uh and when I write inventory today, it keeps coming back to that because when I write a write a piece of inventory, resentment, fear, whatever, uh conduct, I get to look after I've written that piece of inventory. I get to see well if if somebody I sponsored brought me this piece of inventory from what based on what they written would written what would their relationship with God be what would it look like you know well God's waiting to get me God doesn't care about my happiness God just wants me to be good doesn't all the that's based if if based on the way I wrote about that resentment or that fear And then I get to ask myself, I get to turn turn in the next direction and I say, "Well, is that what I really believe?" Heck no.

You know, uh the one of the first times that ever happened for me, I I wrote uh a bunch of inventory on on stuff. It doesn't really matter. We'll maybe get to it later on in the fourth step.

But in in the fourth column in the inventory under under my mistakes, what uh what one of the thing there were different stuff in all of them, but one that was in all of them was unable or unwilling to trust God. unwilling or unable to trust God. Uh and I read that inventory to to Don and I'd been doing this for fair amount of time at this time.

And Don picked that out. He says, "Mike, you know, with all this stuff, you just keep coming back this unweble and unwilling to trust God." He says, "I've known you for a while." And he says, "I believe you're a man who would very much like to trust God." He says, "Now, if you're not trusting God, there must be something that's blocking you. Let's take a look at that." And uh what I uh what I came up with was that my conception of God at that time was uh centered around God the Father.

My father uh I idolized him. He was dead at the time, but I mean I I I didn't see this as being a problem because I, you know, I didn't have any dad stuff going at the time. Uh, and then as I thought about it and prayed about it, where I got taken back to was in our kitchen not long after I'd come back from Vietnam.

I'm sitting at the kitchen table with my dad. Uh, and uh, my ga dad's this big guy sitting there with tears in his eyes and a pile of my bad checks in front of him that he'd gone around that small town and bought back from his fellow businessman friends. And my dad's looking at me, the most powerful guy in my life, and he isn't full of anger.

He's got tears. And he says, "Son, I would do anything in the world to help you, but it seems like every time I try and help you, you keep screwing up. What am I going to do with you?" And somehow I translated that and I heard God saying to me, "Mike, look at all I've done for you.

Uh, I've saved your life in Vietnam. I've given you relationships. I've given you careers.

I've given you money. I've given you I look at all I've given you and you keep screwing it up. Now, that was perfectly appropriate for my Cuban father to tell me.

But as long as I hung on to that little piece of belief, then I placed myself in a place where God couldn't or wouldn't help me. And until I realized that that that piece of an old idea that didn't seem all that hard for I mean God the Father sounded like a pretty good idea for me and maybe for you. I'm not suggesting anybody else needs to change but for me it was now the thing that was keeping me from having the relationship that I needed to have with power greater than myself.

Uh and so I got to change my mind. Uh, I could keep that old vision if I wanted to, but there was a new vision available to me if I would have it. I uh here maybe I don't have it with me.

Okay. Well, I don't have it. Uh I uh I came to where I have a relationship with God with four basic corners, four four pillars if you will to it today.

Uh and the first first pillar is just this. Uh God doesn't think comparatively. God loved me just as much when I was writing a bad check in a liquor store to buy a bottle of booze to go seduce my neighbor's wife as he does when I'm I'm helping a newcomer down the Salvation Army.

Now, the consequences for me are different in those two different places. But God lo I can't make me I can't be God's favorite kid and I can't be the bad kid in class either. Uh God just comparative thought is a human characteristic not a not a divine characteristic.

So God God will love me wildly and completely no matter where I am. Uh and that's the second one. It's uh so God doesn't think comparatively.

God loves me wildly and completely. And then what the one of the one things that really had a profound effect on my life was that some years ago uh a man suggested to me, he said, "Mike, I'd like you to consider what your life would be like if you took the position and lived life on the basis that God wants your happiness more than you do yourself." What does that thing think? See, I assumed that God wanted me to be good.

God wanted me to be useful. God wanted me. But what if what if what would my life in I always was kind of trying to figure out how to negotiate the best deal with God.

How I could give him the least and get the most. You know, I'm I'm trying to horse trade here. I'm I'm afraid I'm I'm going to afraid I'm going to overpay God uh here.

And what what what's my life like? How how does that relationship change if I'm all of a sudden look at life from instead of God just wanting me to be good, God really wants me to be happy. He wants that's the number one thing.

And the man said, you know, happened to be priest that belongs to my home group. And Father Larry said, "You know, most of the people from this parish, and I'm talking about non-alcoholics here, but that come in to see me, when I ask them what they want for their children, they don't tell me they want them to be doctors or lawyers or anything else, they they tell me, "Oh, father, we just want our kids to be happy." He says, 'You know, if if human be if that's what human beings do want for their kids, can you can't you imagine that God would want that for you? And so I it revolutionized all of a sudden now instead of God somebody that I'm trying to keep at arms length and deal with, you know, I'm treating God like the IRS.

You know, I got to deal with him, but I don't want to have any more contact than is absolutely necessary. And now, and now I can hang out with God. Now it's not torture to meditate.

Uh I can start I've got to re, you know, I I can start to realize what it says in our book. It is talks about God. And in the image we get is God is our newfound friend.

A newfound friend. Wow. What a what a beautiful thing here.

I've got a newfound friend. And you know the benefits that it's it's like working for the a company in the world that's got the world's best benefit package. You know, uh if I work for that, there's nobody that's got a benefit package like like the the God of my understanding.

I get all of my needs taken care of and quite a few of my wants. And then the fourth thing uh it was said is go Mike would you consider that God might know what would make you happy even more than you do yourself and yeah because here I'm sitting here with a handful of inventory and basically it had stuff in it but what the inventory really represented was a lifetime of me trying to make me happy. That's what the bottom line about this was.

This inventory that I'm sitting here, this thing that had put a chill on my heart was what it looked like. Me doing the very best I could at that point for 40ome years to make me happy. How good a job have I done?

You know, would I hire a guy like me as a subcontractor? You know, I I I wouldn't do it. So, yeah.

And the other thing he pointed out to me, you know, he says, "By the way, Mike, you need to understand that there's a difference between happiness and pleasure." And you confirm, you confuse them all the time. Uh, happiness is real. H happiness is like good, healthy, nourishing food.

It builds you up. It never tears you down. The pleasure, it's like junk food.

You know, you can get on a sugar buzz and, you know, I can I can uh speed eat a pint of Hoganaz, but a little later I'm going to feel like hell as a result of that. It's got it's got a blowback from it. Uh, and happiness doesn't have that.

So, I got the I got the four little pieces here and because I there are a lot of people that are way more spiritually sophisticated, but I need I need for me, I need some simple anchor points as a starting point to start developing that relationship with God. those little anchor points that when I'm I'm scared to death and and uh you know I'm afraid you know because I got the call from the doctor or uh my mom just died and and uh or whatever it's happened that I I I can go back to the wait a minute I'm scared to death here but I'm not seeing the whole picture. There's there's some pieces of this that I'm not seeing yet.

Uh because God's like the Calvary just waiting over the hill to come come swoop in and help me. I don't I don't see the whole picture here. Uh, and so if I'll if I'll just if I'll just turn back here in instead of, you know, Don used to say, when in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

You know, if I if I won't do that, if if I'm if I'm willing to start relaxing into my relationship with him, uh, then I've got his there's a chance for my power, his power to help me. You know, it's uh when I'm when I'm all tensed up like this, I can't be helped. I can't be helped physically.

And when I'm like this spiritually, I need to just start breathing and relaxing. Uh and now, okay, okay, my mind can slow down. I can I can start getting off the squirrel cage and getting to a place where that that relationship with God while it always exists for him uh where I'm I become conscious of it again.

Uh I got a friend that tells a story I love and and uh Pete says you know okay Mike he says do you know that the difference between having a belief and having faith? I says, "Well, I think I do, Pete, but let you tell me what your definition is." He says, "P" He says, "Well," he says, "sf we we stretched a rope across the Grand Canyon, do you believe do you believe that God could walk across that rope?" Well, I said, "Of course he could." He says, "Well, do you believe that God could walk across that rope and push a wheelbarrow?" Well, yeah. He says, "Get in the wheelbarrow.

Getting in the wheelbarrow is having the faith, you know, where I'm I'm now willing to get in the wheelbarrow and let God be the center and the solution in my life. Uh, so I uh Frank's got some dessert waiting for us. So I I know no better than to get in between alcoholics and ice cream.

But it's it's one of the most dangerous places in the world to be. Uh but between but between the ice cream and one thing another in in tomorrow morning uh I'd ask you to perhaps consider what your life would look like if you took the position that God wants your happiness more than anything else in the world. That that's that's the number one thing that he's going to get up tomorrow with saying, you know, I want these folks to be the happiest folks in the world.

Uh, and I nothing would please me more than to see them happy. It would make my heart dance and sing. Uh, so good night.

We'll see you in the morning. Yeah. Well, did everybody have a good night's sleep?

>> I'll I I'll tell you what, I I am really impressed with those showers. That is that is something else. I mean, as impressive as that river is, that shower is is something else.

I've I've never had as much shower as I wanted. You know, now I've had that obsession satisfied. That's a quite a deal here.

Well, uh, I'd like to get started this morning with a little bit of a guided meditation. So, if you want to get comfortable We'll let everybody get settled here. We discovered some years ago at my home group that we just all act better.

It seems when we meditate for a couple minutes before we start our meeting. It's it's amazing how that uh that changes the quality of things for us. Let's start the way we start life with a deep breath in.

As we breathe, let's imagine. Imagine that you are not your personality. Your compassion for others.

Let it go. your judgment of others. Let it go.

Your ability to make others laugh. Let it go. Your ability to make others cry.

Release it and let it go. Everything that makes up your personality with each breath in and each breath out, let it go. You're not your personality.

Imagine that you are not your mind. Your mind that decides what is right and what is wrong. Let it go.

Your mind that makes decisions about what to do and what not to do. Let it go. Your mind that believes it knows what is good and what is bad.

Let it go. Every thought, idea, and opinion, let them go. You are not your mind.

Imagine that you're not your body. You're not your feet. Let them go.

You're not your hands. Let them go with each breath in and each breath out. Let them go.

Breathe. Imagine that you are not your disease. It is in you, but it is not you.

Let it go. Breathe. You are not your personality.

You are not your mind. You are not your body. Do you understand what you are?

You are God's creation. You are eternal. Breathe.

Amen. I mentioned my family last night and I I brought this uh this picture of my uh second birthday party here along and I thought you'd I'd let you pass this around so you could see up close and personal the people that ruined my life and uh caused all this trouble. for me.

I'll do anything for sympathy. You can you can tell right away they're evil. I so we were in second step and uh one of the important things about this that was pointed out to me is the title of our our chapter about the second step chapter 4 is is not we atheists it's we agnostics.

uh you know atheists at least have the courage of their conviction. They're certain by God doesn't exist. There is no such thing.

Uh now agnostics uh we're a we're a more limpisted bunch you know well maybe is maybe isn't could be maybe not maybe for you not for me whatever. uh agnostics are doubters. Uh and it's important for me to be aware.

So for so long I assumed that the second step was something that I checked off my list a long time ago. I believe in God and I'm over and done with the second step. uh and what I find out is all this pro all the problems I'm encountering uh all have a single have a common component to them that I'm I'm being my agnosticism is reemerged I've got to look at my current agnosticism where did where right now today March 4th 2006 do I doubt the power of God uh uh I can tell you a good indication that I'm doubting the power of God is that I'm lying.

If I'm lying, I'm I I I'm doubting that God will take care of me if I tell the truth. Uh I'm uh if I if I'm in anger, if I'm, you know, all if I'm busy being dishonest, all those things are indications that of my current agnosticism. And uh it's important for me to to understand that I I have to have a relationship with this step in the here and now, just not just in the past when I uh first approach this.

So I'll um uh suggest that to you. Now in the second step we it boils down to one question. Uh do I now believe or am I even willing to believe that there's a power greater than myself?

Yes or no? If I can answer yes, then I've I've met the requirements for this step. Now they go on and and they they tell me quite a quite a few things after this and one of them are the we get to this this place here where they talk about uh the bedments on page 52 and I was under the impression I I read this the first time it's for you with books it's about in the middle of the page and uh it says here we are having trouble with personal relationships.

We couldn't control our emotional natures. We were afraid to misery and depression. We couldn't make a living.

We had a feeling of uselessness. We were full of fear. We were unhappy.

And we couldn't seem to be a real help to other people. Uh now that sounded to me like a drinking alcoholic and they said, "No, no. What that is is that's a description of a sober alcoholic without a spiritual experience.

That's that untreated piece of me is why I one of the reasons why I will take a drink again absent a spiritual awakening or a spiritual experience. Yeah. And I had it it it changed it when I when I when I got it in got the pronouns personal here.

I was having trouble with personal relationships. You're dog on right. I was, you know, I can't control my emotional nature.

I'm a prey to misery and depression. I can't make I'm I'm making a living, but not the one I the one I think I need. Uh I'm unhappy and I I don't seem to be a real help with I'm not I'm not effective at the business of life.

Uh and uh every time we sit down in workshop together uh find guys we're sitting around a long time sober uh that we can all identify with pieces of that. Somehow some of that has crept back into our lives and and we're not living as effectively as others. We're kind of like a boat that sat in the harbor and picked up some barnacles and so we don't move as quite as smoothly through the water as we used to here.

Uh so this is this is where we are. Interestingly enough, those bedevelments when we get there match up almost exactly with the promises in the ninth step. Uh we find we find here we we had everything that I just read you.

And by the time we get to the ninth step, we look at the book ends here. Uh, okay. I'm going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

I was unhappy before. I will not regress the past, nor wish to short shut the door on it. I will comprehend the word serenity, and I'll know peace.

Now, no matter how far down the scale I've gone, I will see that my experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. I will lose interest in selfish things and I'll gain interest in my fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away. My whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will have left me.

I will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me. I will suddenly have realized that God is doing for me what I could not have ever done for myself. And the fact was life baffled me.

You know, I just I was smart about some things, but I could never seem to put the whole deal together and get it on the road and get it to stay there for any period of time. So, uh, where are we here? Do we uh are we willing to say that we believe or are we willing to believe that uh there's a power greater than ourselves?

Okay. Well, we can uh move on. I uh >> Yeah.

>> sanity. Uh well, the definition of insanity that I was given was lack of proportion to the ability to think straight. So I I I react out of proportion to life and in my think my thinking is skewed.

And so for me, uh, sanity would be the ability to to do some straight thinking and and react, uh, in proportion to life. You know, you, uh, you look at somebody out here's, uh, got a little indigestion from breakfast, but I'm I'm sure because of the in the expression on their face that they're upset with me for some reason. You know, that's me re reacting out of proportion, you know.

Uh, love of my life says, "Good morning, honey." And and I said, "Well, what do you mean by that? What do you want?" Uh, see, I Yeah. Okay.

I uh Yeah. Okay. I've got that.

Well, this this will bring us along to chapter five here. And uh I uh I'm somebody who's not only been afflicted with uh alcoholic thinking, but I've been uh afflicted with alcoholic listening, too. And so I was, you know, one of the that first part of chapter 5 is such a beautiful deal.

Uh but I think we kind of almost do it a disservice. we read it so much that it just becomes like part of the wallpaper and kind of the background noise and uh so it gets read in meetings and so often at least I'm guilty of sitting there making my shopping list trying to figure out what I'm going to do first thing tomorrow or uh yet this evening before I go to bed and I come back into consciousness about the time uh we're through with that and so one night I'm sitting in my home group and I actually listen to how it works. And I thought to myself, you know, my ideas were so bent for a lot of time, even after I got here, like I was talking about last night, I said, "What did I think they were reading when I heard that red?" So, I went home and got on the computer and I wrote how I thought it worked here.

And uh I'll uh share that with you here. Uh rarely have we seen a person fail who has completed their afterare. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not learn our numerous slogans and go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of forming meaningful relationships and treatment facilities. There are such unfortunates. They're not at fault.

Their therapist told them so. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a relationship with the vulnerable newcomer. Their chances are less than average.

There are those two suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders. But many of them do recover if they have the capacity to form meaningful relationships. Our stories disclose in a general way how we were harmed, what happened to those who harmed us, and how we got even in the end.

If you've decided you want what we have, you obviously haven't been paying attention to our stories. If if you're still determined to get what we have and willing to exert minimal effort to get it, then you're ready for a temporary sponsor. At the first suggestion we bought, we were sure that our sponsors didn't understand.

We were determined to find a sponsor who would see things our way, but we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to take it easy on these old fools. Some of us have tried to re-educate our sponsors, and the result was nil until we let go of them.

Absolutely. Remember that we are dealing with our ego, cunning, baffling, and powerful. Without constant praise and reassurance, it's too much for us.

But there is one or possibly more who has all power. That one is our significant other. May we find them now.

Half measures availed us nothing. It was time to move in together. Having abandoned common sense completely, we asked his or her protection and care with great expectations.

Here are the steps we took which interpreted properly. Offer a spiritual path to staying sober and having your own way in a meaningful relationship. One, don't drink or get loaded.

Try to ignore the fact that you've never actually been able to do this. Two, came to believe that the right relationship could restore us to sanity. Three, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of our significant other, assuming they had what we needed.

Four, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our significant other. Five, complain to God, ourselves, and our temporary sponsors about the exact nature of their wrongs. Six, we're entirely ready to have God remove these defective characters.

Seven, humbly demanded that he find us the right significant other. Eight, made a list of everyone we found attractive and became willing to have significant relationships with them all. Nine.

Made direct amends to people who we believe might still be willing to help us restore our net worth, except except when we found their significant other attractive. 10. Continued to find fault with others, and when they were wrong, promptly pointed it out.

11. sought through prayer and manipulation to improve the behav behavior of our significant other. Praying for all the knowledge of all of their hot buttons and the power to push them at just the right time.

And 12. Having gotten our own way as the result of these steps, we tried to convince our significant other that this was really for their own good and that their future happiness lay in doing our will. Many have exclaimed, "What an order.

They won't go through with it. Do not be discouraged. No one among us have been able to do this with just one partner.

Fortunately, the treatment centers, meetings, and social activities are full of prospects who are not saints. The point is that we are willing to keep replacing partners until we find one or more who will do it our way. We the principles we have laid down have proved themselves in coffee shops, clubouses and meetings across the land.

We we claim personal development rather than personal perfection. Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter of the wives and our personal difficulties before and after make clear three pertinent ideas. A that we were alcoholic and it wasn't our fault.

B that our current therapist and significant other could not relieve our alcoholism. and see that the right partner could and would if they were saw it. And u that uh you know if you looked at the way I behaved for five years around here that be if you look watched me walk around somebody just watched me walk around AA and wrote down based on my actions what I must be thinking that that unfortunately came pretty close to it.

Uh, and that's that's one of the one of the reasons why uh writing things down, not just in that vein, but other veins, I I get to see the thinking that's hidden from myself when I'm just letting it process through my mind. When I when I actually can see in black and white in my own handwriting what in the world is going on between my ears, uh, that's when I start getting the touch, man. like I'm that's crazy.

You know, how would I ever think that based on my behavior that any of this was going to work? But it seemed logical at the time. You know, I uh I was a big fan pre-step work of the of the third step.

And I'm a I was a big h fan for the reason a very alcoholic reason is that I seem to get a lot of bang for my buck without doing very much. You know, uh I I could I could say a say a say a prayer and and offload all my pro problems to God. Uh what I what I was in essence was a a spiritual litterbug.

Uh, I'm like a guy that's riding down the highway of life, flipping hamburger wrappers out out the window and uh, here's my problem. Take it. Here's this problem.

Take it. Here's this problem. Take it.

It's yours, God. And, uh, I'm just going on. Well, the joke was on me because all that trash I kept throwing out just kept blowing back into the back seat.

And I eventually uh, end up with my back seat full of crap. And I I can't handle it anymore. I uh it's a $2 bill, Jim.

Uh they took me to right after how it works here and they had me approach this again in a firsterson perspective and the light started to come on of why my life wasn't working. So, uh, it says here being convinced that I'm at step three, which means I'm convinced that I'm alcoholic and can't manage my life, that no human power is going to relieve my alcoholism and that God can and will if I seek him. Uh, just what do we mean by this and just what do I do?

says, "The first requirement," which is a lot like must, by the way, uh the first requirement is that I be convinced that my life run on self-will can hardly be a success. Do I believe that I can do it my way and somehow have it work out? Uh if I believe that, I can just stop right here and go do it my way and have it work out.

So, I need to ask to pause and ask myself that question. on that basis, I'm almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though my motives are good. One of my number one old ideas that still comes up and causes me problems is that I I know that you got some rules and the way things are supposed to be done, but if I've got good intentions, I don't have to play by the rules.

>> You know, I understand. Don't you understand? I've got a good reason for cutting in line here.

Don't you know I've got a good reason for driving 80 miles an hour in a 55 mph zone. I've got a good reason for doing all these things. And what's that do?

That puts me in collision with something or somebody even though my motives are good. Put me in collision with my business partner. I I went and brought in a bunch of really highass vendors and added them to our business.

Uh but I didn't talk to him about it. I just assumed he'd be delighted. Uh, and he pointed out to me that his name was ahead of mine on the letterhead and on the door, you know, but I didn't do this.

I'm had good motives. I wanted us to make more money and and be more successful and serve our clients better, but I broke the rules. you know that anything that's going to affect our business I I need to I need to run by him and we need to agree on it.

Uh so and then I I really I get injured. Well, how just ungrateful so how could he how could he be so ungrateful that I did this for us, you know? Yeah.

Like most people, I'm trying to live by self-propulsion, self-will. I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show. I'm forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, my business partner, the scenery, my girlfriend, uh, in my own way.

If only my arrangements would stay put. If only she would do it my way as I wished. The show would be great, the relationship would be great, the marriage would be great, the business partnership would be great.

Just be reasonable. Do it my way. Life would be wonderful.

Now when I tried to make these arrangements, I can sometimes be quite virtuous. I can be kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, if I was having a bad day, I can be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest, you know.

But like most people, I'm usually some mixture of those things. Well, what usually happens? The show, the business deal, or the relationship or marriage isn't going my way.

It doesn't seem to be coming off very well. And I begin to think that life, my partner, or she aren't treating me right. Now, my answer to this is to go get a bigger hammer.

You know, uh my my answer to this is to puff myself up twice normal size, get red in the face, and split it to you one more time. I will talk very slowly so you can understand here. I know you're not too bright.

So I will explain it to you very carefully. You know, uh I become on the next occasion still more demanding or gracious as the case may be. Well, I can tell you I'm a chicken.

So I'm if I think I've got more power than you, I'm more demanding. Uh and if I think you've got more power than I am, I you know I I'm more gracious. Now, still this this deal isn't suiting me.

This play isn't sum. Now, you can get me to admit I might be somewhat at fault. I'm talking to myself.

Well, yeah, I guess I could have been could have been more diplomatic, you know. I I I could could have been more diplomatic. Uh but I'm really sure that other people are more to blame, you know.

Oh, yeah. I could have I could have been more diplomatic, but he's just completely unreasonable about this. He just said no without even discussing it with me.

Imagine that. I become angry, indignant, and self-pittity. You know what's my basic problem?

Am I not really a self-seeker even when I'm trying to be kind? Uh there's my inventory. Am I not a victim of the delusion from the inside out?

I'm fooling myself. A victim of the delusion that I can rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only I manage well. You know, I think I can run my life and have it work out.

If I believe that I am delusional and it isn't evident to my business partner, my wife, my girlfriend, any of these people that these are the things that I what I really want and don't my actions make each of them wish to retaliate snatching all they can get out of the show. And here we go, folks. Am I not even in my best sober junior guru moments a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

That's the best I can expect. Sober doing it my way, you know. And I under I got a quite a relationship with this material because I kept got one of these in my desk drawer and I frequently when when I'm jammed up during the day I got to pull this out and go through it and every time it's it's magic.

It just I oh no wonder this isn't working. I can't get to the end of this without understanding why it isn't working. I start out my my vision is completely blocked out by all my good intentions.

All I can see is that I just want everybody to be happy. I just want everybody to be successful and I cannot understand why these people are trying to frustrate me. You know, they must be jealous of my genius or something like, you know, why why am I tormented by these little people, you know?

And I I uh I get to, you know, before I get through this little piece, I I've got the answer to that and why it's not working here. I uh you know I used to make such a big big deal out of the third step and it's a big deal but it isn't. uh uh the image that I came up with that that works for me and I I tend to relate to these things in in terms of images is uh in Indianapolis uh Roger Pensky is the big Chevy dealer there.

And if I when I'm home Monday, if I if I run up to Rogers dealership and uh I go in the showroom and uh I'll have a salesman start tagging me uh there and I walk over and I take take and I point to that red Corvette and I say, "I I want that red Corvette. I've made an important decision and I've made an expensive decision, but I'm not driving a red Corvette. Before I get the keys to that car, I'm going to get to go in the back room with the finance manager and do a financial fourth and fifth step, right?

And assuming assuming that that goes well, >> yeah, >> they give me the keys to the car. But guess what? If I don't make the payments, they come take it back.

If I don't do steps six, seven, eight, and nine, all of that good feeling that I got from doing this third step and turning my will in my life over the care of God just, you know, it just gets repoed. It goes away. >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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