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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Well, Mike alcoholic >> uh dried date September 7th, 1985.

So, I'm in the class of a little further on down the class of 85 with Charlie and I got a sponsor in my home group's the dignitary sympathy group in Indianapolis. Now, that's a usually just referred to as the diggs and uh that's a typical alcoholic bait and switch because we have no dignitaries and we offer no sympathy. But, uh, we occasionally catch somebody, snag somebody that's thumbing through the directory and say, "Well, that looks like that could work for me." Uh, and and we get another prospect.

I'm glad that glad to see they were able to get the extra seating in here to accommodate all of us that this morning here that I uh I wouldn't presume to uh try and instruct you all on the 11th step here, but uh what I can do is I can share a bit of my what my experience has been along the way. And I'm uh I need to keep track of my time here. I uh I need to uh I'm not a guy who's ever it's never worked for me to be what I what I would call a modular step work uh step worker.

I've never figured out well well that's a sevenstep problem and that's a ninstep problem that's a third step problem or whatever. I I pretty much uh come from a tradition where we uh we imply the entire solution to whatever it is that's going on in our lives. And uh before I understand that I'm powerless and what I'm doing to try and manage whatever is going on isn't working, I'm not going anywhere.

Numb pretty much no matter how much I pray or meditate uh and so forth. So it all always comes back to to that piece of beginning for me. Now, I have a I have a god of uh so I'm going to just kind of share what my experience along the way with this stuff has been.

I uh I have a god of what I referred to as informed consent in my life. And uh because one of the one of the great fears I had when I before I was even deciding whether I wanted to form a relationship with this power greater than myself was uh uh was I going to be changed against my will into something I didn't want to be. Uh and uh my dear friend Don that helped me so much uh said, "Oh no, Mike." He said, "Uh, God, uh, God will always seek your consent before he makes that change for you." And, uh, because I didn't know if I was going to be on a street corner handing out pamphlets or all the usual stuff or I'd get sent to Africa or whatever.

And of course, Don pointed out that that would be better than what I was doing with my life currently. Uh, that the only real problem there was a problem with my ego. So, in order to have informed consent, uh, I've got to I've got to be willing to engage in self-examination.

Uh, or there's no really if I'm if I'm not really willing to on a fairly continuous basis examine who I am, what I am, what I'm doing, and is it working or not working. Uh, I'm uh I'm not really capable of giving informed consent. And that's why I didn't understand for there was the longest period of time where I' I'd hit my knees and I'd sincerely pray for this and that to happen or to not happen or this one to be healed or this one to be, you know, cast into predition or something like that.

And uh there didn't seem to be a great deal of results from that except as I noted I managed to stay sober. But uh it uh it wasn't until I started uh engaging in this process of of uh self-examination that things uh things really changed. And I was I'll talk more about it tomorrow, but you know, briefly, I was somebody who came here uh I was I was the one nobody expected to ever get sober.

I I failed for years in Alcoholic synonymous. Uh and people people were kind to me but they put they kind of put me into what I uh now call is like the AA hospice or AA paliotative care. They'll treat me nice but they're not really expecting recovery.

Uh they'll try to make me comfortable while I while I'm dying here. And uh you better take note if if people are treating you that way that that maybe should be a wakeup call. I uh I told told a guy a guy that called me that the other day.

I says, you know, uh Mike that uh he allowed that people were kind to him, but they they didn't seem to be kind of pursuing him with the same enthusiasm they had in years past. And I said, "Well, there's a reason for that." uh they they love you and they certainly want the best for you and everything else, but uh uh the AA their little triage has put you at the end of the line is not likely to recover. And so some of the some of the people that are showing more interest and and taking some of these actions are are getting more of their attention and focus right now.

They'll be kind to you, but uh there are a lot of people that have just started to form the opinion based on their experience that you're you're probably not willing to recover from alcoholism. And you might want to pay attention to that. Uh the miracle happened and I and I did get sober and I went uh I I I dove into Alcoholics Anonymous with a passion I' I'd never imagined that I'd be able to to muster.

And uh I uh went through what I call my junior guru phase now synonymous. Uh uh 11 meetings a week and uh of course I had to found my own meeting. So there was at least one meeting in the city where they did it exactly right.

And you can't be a guru without your own meeting. And it's kind of a signature thing. And and I'm doing all this.

I get a new career and I I get a new wife and a new family and I I I get I get the whole package and it was handled handed to me and very much like others had mentioned I found myself five years away from a drink not having any desire to have a drink uh but seriously considering suicide like I'd never considered it when I was drinking uh because I found a I found a hopelessness in sobriety that I'd never found in the bottle. As long as I was drinking, I I could always cling to that thread of hope that someday somehow I' I'd get sober and then it seemed like things would be okay. Uh but here I am.

I'm five years away from a drink and I got the smile plastered on the face and I'm sitting there at the front of my little junior guru meeting and I'm doing all this stuff and I'm pretending to sponsor people and all this kind of stuff, but inside I'm dying. Uh, and it turned out the reason I'm dying is because I did hear an in alcoholic synonymous approximately what I did when I went to the University of Iowa years ago. I uh went over to the fieldhouse, registered for classes, went down to the bookstore and I bought all my books.

I joined a fraternity, threw the books in the closet and I started partying. And if you came up to me on campus and asked me what I was doing, I'd say, "Well, sir, I'm a pre-law student here at the University of Iowa." And that's technically true except I wasn't going to class much. Uh, and that's what I was doing in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I didn't miss a meeting. I didn't miss a dance. I didn't dis didn't miss a convention or a roundup or any of that stuff.

I was right there front and center. Uh, but I was almost completely unscarred by the step work in Alcoholics Anonymous. Uh, to the extent I had a program, it was a a collection of slogans and what I call bumper stickers, you know.

Uh, I just sling one of those bumper stickers on you. You know, somebody uh there's a gal who had celebrated 30 years this month who likes to remind me that, you know, uh, I'm attempting to sponsor her abusive husband. Uh, and this guy comes by and terrifies her and the children and one thing and another.

And I can't believe it, but I it's true. I I had the absolute nerve to look at her and tell her, "Well, she just needed to turn that over." Holy I mean, can you can you imagine? I'm lucky they let me live.

Uh but I didn't know any better. See, I I had I've lived a life of good intentions. I'm not a sociopath.

I'm not a psychopath. What happened to me in the end was that uh the way I was living uh I could break your rules and I could break your heart but I finally broke my own. Uh and when I broke my own I couldn't continue anymore.

I could as long as I was breaking your rules I could just say well learn to live with it. That's a way cleaned up version by the way. Uh, and so I, uh, further from a drink than I ever expected to be, I I was lucky.

I fell in with these, uh, step workers here here in Alcoholic Anonymous. And, uh, I ca through that uh, a guy who ended up in Indianapolis out of Denver, young people's group uh, who I cordially hated for many years. Uh probably because I sensed he had something I didn't have.

Uh I came into contact with a man in Colorado by the name of Don that some of you may know. And uh and that man changed my life and and all of them really out of that whole whole family. And I've had a lovely time connecting with Charlie and Katie and others this weekend that have that have come out of that.

Uh we're kind of all part of a big family. Don used to say, you know, we're all one big family, but within that family, there are a lot of kissing cousins. And then we got immediate family.

And Charlie and Katie, for example, are immediate family here. And Don Don didn't tell me what to do. As a matter of fact, uh he would do things with me.

He he talked about keeping his sword sharp so he could puncture that uh ego of mine and and deal with those old ideas. And and so it wasn't so much Don what Don usually told me, it was the questions he asked me. He says he would tell me, "Mike, if we can get to the right question, you'll know the answer because you've got a good heart." Uh and so I get it's it's been a process still to this day of getting me to the right question.

Uh, and I'll tell you how that works. Uh, not uh not that long ago, I was uh couple years ago, I was left my office. I wanted to go over to our local little upscale mall and do some power shopping at noon.

And uh I was running a bit behind. So, as I approached the intersection to enter that place, the light was kind of turning a little bit. And so, I just floored it and went through the intersection.

It was maybe a little pink when I I I went I went through and I I go through the intersection and I I'm in look in my rearview mirror and I'll be damned, there's this guy in a green minivan behind me and he's on my bumper. And so I I'm looking around and find a parking place and I look back and I'll be darned the the green minivan's still behind me and uh I know what to do. I find a parking place and uh uh I'm an old street fighter so I know you never let them catch you sitting the car.

I parked that car. I'm out of the car and he had to park a few spaces away because of the way the lot was laid out. And he came around the back end of that minivan and I'm I'm there.

I'm ready for whatever is coming. And that man looked at me and he says, 'Well, mister, would you mind stepping over here and telling my little girl why risking her life and safety was worth you getting that parking place a couple minutes earlier than you would have otherwise? He asked me the right question.

It never even occurred to me. See, I'm not a sociopath. I'm not a psychopath.

Would you, if you ask me the question, would you risk a child's life in order to get a parking place? Of course not. But I I'm spiritually blind, so I never even see that.

I just see my agenda. I'm in a hurry. I need to get there and I don't mean anybody any harm.

And see, that's the way I'm living my life. Uh and so thanks to our tent step, I can promptly clean that up with him. And we have so much discussion at least around meetings that I go to there's this conf somehow this tentstep business is supposed to be our end of the night review.

That's what I do before I go bedtime. And I'm sorry I don't it's that it's not that way where where we in our home group. Uh I love it the way we practice this in my my home group because uh we actually managed to take this and turn it into a 12step tool.

And here's how that works is we we have 12 10step circles there in our in our home group and we make sure that we have old-timers paired with the newest people. Uh and so when I did that bonehead thing there in the parking lot, guess what? I gotta call the newest guy I'm working with and say, "Guess what your sponsor did this morning?" You know, and what that is, it's not us.

We can talk in the meetings about what we need to do, but when we make a demonstration of that this is the way we actually take this out on the street and live our lives, it becomes an entirely different proposition. And it was that way for me. that old-timer that I started out hating.

Uh I remembered I just dr I'm I'm the newest guy at that group and he came up to me uh after a bunch of us had had lunch one day said, "Mike, can I talk to you for a minute? Uh I was at work this morning and uh I uh he was working in a sales job at that time and he said uh some people came in to buy a a high-end audio visual system and uh uh I wrote it up on my ticket and everything else and they'd been working for a period of time with another salesman that was off today and I took the sale for myself and here's what I'm going to do about it. I got to go back and I got to talk to the boss and and set that right and everything else and this is bad for the morale of the other people here.

And then he gave me the golden piece of this, the often forgotten piece. It's not just about confession. It's uh he said, "Before we go to the meeting tonight, would you want to meet me down at detox and maybe we can find a couple of drunks to talk to?" We turn our thoughts to others that we can help.

And as we look through that 10st step, all the adjectives they use to describe that at once, immediately right now, the whole thing, there's nothing about later, you know. And the way they put that to me, they said, "Mike, if I I was out walking my dog and I came by your yard and my dog did his business in your yard, would you want me to walk up to you and say, "Well, Mike, you'll be happy to know we got a spiritual step that I'm going to think about this. And later tonight, if I decide this is troubling me, I may come up and pick that mess up out of your yard.

In fact, if I don't do that properly, I've probably increased the harm I've done you, haven't I? And so, the spiritual life is the life I've learned is the life of the present. It's the life of the here and now, not the here and next.

And so at once immediately right now and then you know we can use this as a as a way to take those people that feel like outsiders when they come to our meeting and they don't feel like they quite belong yet and that there's this bunch of old-timers that sit over here and know everything and all that kind of stuff. We can bring them right into the fold and they're participating members right from right from the get-go. Uh and it's a beautiful thing to see.

my experience. I uh Carrie talked touched on it last night. What a wonderful set of promises.

I think those 10step promises are every bit as bright as those ninestep promises. And then we get to move move on in with that and uh we we get a way of life that we're going to start practicing for our lifetime. And part of the beginning when I I would go with go to Don and and talk to him and I remember I'll give you a couple snapshots out of that.

Uh I I'd ask Don about something I'd done or whatever and he'd say, "Well, I remember the day." He says, "Well, Mike, as near as I can tell," he says, "In the beginning, God created you in his image, and you've been trying to return the favor ever since. and and and that really ends up being the problem, doesn't it? See, I c I keep imagining and thinking God God in my image.

If I'd be angry, I'm sure God's angry. If I'd be this, I'm sure, you know, and uh what what have I done? you know, uh I uh I began one of the beautiful things that he told me is I I kept I'd always press him, tell me about your God.

Tell me about how this works for you. tell me and he would Don would tell me in in a kind of a very general way, but he would never get terribly specific about it. And I finally kind of I'm getting to know each other.

We're getting to know each other, you know. I'm I'm Come on, give it up. Tell me, you know.

And he says, "Well, Mike, no." He says, "I'm not going to do that." He says, "Because uh you're a spiritual thief." Uh, and if I if I if I tell you exactly how it is for me, uh, all you'll do is try and duplicate my experience and you'll never have your own experience and you'll have robbed yourself. that at once and immediately and everything else had a never took on a a more direct meaning than uh it did in 2007. I've uh was fortunate beyond my dreams uh to have a have a woman that I I couldn't imagine ever wanting to have anything to do with me fall in love with me.

And uh I didn't have anything to do with it. Don said that's why it was extra good. Uh much like Charlie and Katie, we were friends for a long time and I I knew her husband well and uh uh they were both good friends and we knew each other for 14 years.

And uh Richard uh all of a sudden got pancreatic cancer in 2000 and uh died within a couple of months time. It was a horrible disease. It just ate him alive.

And uh we all continued to do AA together and everything else and and along and and several years later uh Linda and I done a workshop for a group on on a Saturday afternoon and we're leaving and it's kind of everybody else is pretty much gone and she and I are standing in the parking lot and uh that beautiful woman looked at me. She said, "Mike, you need to know I love you." And I said, "Well, that's nice." And I she says, "No." She says, "You need to know I really love you." And she said, ' And now you can give me a real hug, not one of those agapy hugs, you know. Uh, and so, uh, a wonderful period of my life began.

You know, I'm I'm doing a with a woman that I admire, I love, and who, for some reason seems to admire, and love me, and and is really beautiful. And uh we're uh we're both doing things different, too. Uh she she was a lot smarter than I was.

Uh she showed up short shortly after we started being romantic together and she showed up and she says, "Mike, I've written out my primary purpose for our relationship. I'd like to see yours soon." And uh she was very fond when she'd stand at these podiums and tell you she says she would say that my primary purpose was so definite and detailed that it sp specified the color clarity and weight of the diamond that he was supposed to produce and Mike's was so vague in general that it could have described his relationship with his cat. But see, this is getting those two things, getting having that group conscience, getting that together was where uh a great deal of the sweetness of the relationship happened.

And uh I uh my home group has a retreat the second weekend in June every year. And after that retreat was over, I was going out to Santa Fe uh to do a little AA and see some friends out there. And I had a very early flight and uh oh the other thing that was different about this is I'm not going to be your shack them up honey.

Uh we are not living together until we're married and uh and we both agreed that was a good idea. So I had my place in the north side and she lived on the west had a little house on the west side near the airport. And uh so frequently when I'd travel, I I'd bring my car over, I'd put it in the garage and she'd drive me to the airport and cuz we'd save parking that way and all that stuff.

And we got to say hello and goodbye to each other. And uh so uh but this was, you know, like a 6:30 flight and she'd have to get up early and lose some sleep. And I tried to convince her not to not to do that.

And uh she says, "No, no." She says, "I I don't mind getting up. I really want to take it if you don't mind if I I drive you in my PJs." And I said, "Hell no, honey." Uh I uh so we did and I went out and I I went I'm doing my thing out in Santa Fe and uh Whoa, we had a problem. Uh I went up uh with our friend Tom up to Angel Fire.

And as I'm going up through these mountain passes, I lose my cell signal. So I turn my phone off so it doesn't eat the battery up. Looking for a signal up there.

and she thought I turned the phone off because I was playing with my friends and didn't want to have anything to do with her and she was not a happy gal. And uh so when I got back and turned my phone on, I had a couple of voicemails and I called up and we had a kind of an unsatisfactory conversation. And then we we both because we live life based on spiritual principles uh quickly considered our own behavior and and made amends with each other and uh set things right.

Now, this becomes important because I I flew home the next day and when I uh I got back to the airport, uh there Linda wasn't there to pick me up. And uh I called and I'd called in Dallas where I changed planes and I called when I landed in Indianapolis and everything else. And so I thought, well, first thought was, God, I didn't think she I thought we'd cleaned that up.

I thought didn't, you know, think she was that mad. So eventually I understand she's not coming. So I take a cab and go over to her house and uh I've got a key to the house and I take my key and I go in and I find uh she's collapsed on the bathroom floor and she'd uh it's 9:30 at night now but she'd uh collapsed on the bathroom floor that morning when she was getting ready for work.

her coffee was on the sitting there by the sink and uh she'd had a stroke. Uh she was uh 47 years old, much younger woman than me. And uh I I thought I'm I'm the cancer survivor.

We I I always thought that, you know, it was going to be the other way around. And so we uh I called the paramedics and we got her to the hospital and uh we became f I began five days in neurointensive care and finally uh we were told there was no hope that uh they weren't able to control the swelling in her brain and it crushed her brain stem and that we needed to go to hospice. Uh and because of these principles, because of this, uh I'm able to be a a sane man for her, her sister, her nephews, her family.

Uh her two brothers are still to this day drinking and living very chaotic lives. uh but I was able to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. And part of that reason is because of what Don told me many years ago.

And and again, it was one of those things I just kind of at the time filed away and thought, "Well, that's nice, Don." Uh but Don told me, he says, "Mike," he says, "As near as I can tell, there will be always at least two of you show up in every situation. Uh there's the guy who sincerely wants to be help helpful and do the right thing and everything else and uh he says and then there's the part of you that it's all about you and what about me and where is mine and all this and he says you're not going to be able to do anything about that. He says it's he says as matter of fact he think of he says think of it it's like you got a wet drunk in the meeting.

the more you try and shut him up, you know, the louder he gets. And the more I try to pretend that there's not that other side of my personality and that other other spirit that lives in me from time to time, the more problems I cause for others. So, so I I I've got the crazy voice in my head.

I'm standing there holding her head in her hand the last night of her life. And uh uh part of me is going, "This is a mess. This is not supposed to be happening.

She's supposed to be helping me through to the other side. This, you know, on and on and on. This is messing up my life and everything else." Uh and thank God I didn't have to be eaten alive with guilt and pretend that that wasn't going on because of what you'd taught me.

uh I could be present with her and I could go thank you for sharing and uh I could be present with her as she stepped out of this life and into the next. And I can't tell you how glad I was because when I after I got a break and I went back to her house, uh she wasn't mad at me. Uh there was a card sitting there on the table and right next to it she'd baked my favorite cake the night before and had it ready there to give to me to take home with me.

And see I if I'd lived this way on my own I I would have missed all of that. I would have come home with a grudge uh and on and who knows. In fact, I could have very easily there was that that voice saying, "Don't even bother to go over there tonight.

Just go home. She'll call you when she's damn good and ready." You know? Uh can you imagine how I'd feel if I'd left her a moment later laying in that bathroom?

God is incredibly kind to me. One of the things I think the disservices I think we do is uh we make often we make meditation seem like it's inaccessible to a lot of people. And at least that was my experience.

I got here because I'm a child of the 60s and 70s and by God I knew what meditation was, you know. You folks in AA weren't didn't have a thing to teach me about meditation, you know. And wow, was I wrong.

You know, what a what a beautiful open field of experience for us to roam in. But always uh this didn't start to work for me until somebody took me back to the principles that they're lay as they're laid out in our book for us. I uh one of the great things they did is Don asked me what I thought meditation was and I I described some some version of a magic carpet ride, you know, and uh zoned out, tuned out and just kind of I've got a little spiritual ad altitude and attitude and all this kind of stuff.

And he says, "Well, cowboy, that might be true, but uh" he uh he said, "For our purposes here, let's go look back what that meant to Bill and Bob in their time." And he took me into a dictionary uh from the 1920s. And it turns out that as Bill and Bob were understanding meditation, we're talking essentially about uh effective thought. One of the one of the first de definitions there that they they lay on us in in in Webster at that time is uh the example is uh the general meditated that day's battle.

In other words, he planned the battle. He thought about it, you know, and what does our book say? We consider our plans for the day.

It doesn't say we zone out. Doesn't say we get a blank mind. There's there's nothing.

In fact, Don took me through that line by line. He says, "Show me where it says blank mind in here." There's nothing at all about blank mind. And the reason I say that is because I watch so many people and I was one of them believe that we're failing at meditation because we don't have a blank mind.

Now from time to time I I do have a clear mind you know but I am not failing at meditation when I especially in the beginning I've got the monkey mind you know it's all over and uh you know it's notorious in my home group you know every they just tell the new guy look expect that the naked lady's going to come running through the room and you know don't even be surprised uh God's not going to smite you and you're going to be you're going to be just fine. You know, that's that's part of the deal. I uh I got God was very generous with me, although I didn't know it at the time.

I got a free sample. I uh when I was about 60 days sober and I was still not working any steps and all that. Uh but I was going to a meeting.

There was a meeting a man in this meeting who is very attracted to to me. Uh he uh he had his own airplane and ran a company and uh you know spiritually decided that he must have it together and uh had a greatl looking wife. Uh so he had what I wanted.

Uh I and Jim every time he he'd introduce himself, Jim would say, "My name is Jim and I'm a devout 11th stepper." And so, well, now Jim thinks he's a devout 11th stepper. Maybe I better check this out. So, I I went home and uh I knew better than to get a hold of the big book.

That's too, you know, that's So, I cracked the 12 and 12 open and and I I sat in my chair and I read the St. Francis prayer and uh relaxed and uh I did have a peace come over me and then it kind of went away. And so I got up and went about my business.

Three days later, I'm sitting in a meeting. You could still smoke in them then. And I realized I'm a I'm a guy that smoked so much he used to annoy other smokers.

Uh, and I'm sitting in this meeting and I look at the guy across the table from me lights a cigarette and I realize I haven't had a cigarette in three days. Uh, and I've never tried to quit. They're they're right there in my pocket.

But for some reason, I got a I got a sample. Wow, there's something powerful that happened here because I am, you know, I immediately lit a cigarette out of just horror that I hadn't been smoking. Uh I wasn't at all interested in not smoking, but you know, it's what in the world happened that I wouldn't even think or want a cigarette for three days.

And so I uh I went ahead and uh got back in that chair that night and I got out the 12 and 12 and I read the strength of St. Francis prayer again and nothing happened to say God's too kind to me to let me believe that I can manipulate and manage this process. But I did have the message.

I did know from personal experience that there was real power available through this step if I'd pursue it. And uh of course being who I was, I got distracted at uh at that time I was I was uh I was busy with another spiritual endeavor. Uh actually that was the one that got me fired by my second sponsor.

I was uh dating a married woman in the program uh sponsoring her 16-year-old son and I was playing cards on the weekend with her husband and he was a gun toing federal agent and uh my uh my sponsor at the time grabbed me in the parking lot of the club one day and he said, "Mike," he says, "I love you, but he says, "Every time I try and confront you about your behavior, you start to explain it to me in such a way is that it starts to sound like it might be God's will. I know that's insane. So, I can't have anything to do with you.

So, I the meditation had gone on the back burner for a period of time there, but it's only deferred. I uh it was through this whole process of seeking that's laid out in the book. My my successful meditation this morning was really set up by the way I wound up my day last night.

You know, I sat down and without guilt or remorse, I just kind of took stock. What did the day look like? You know, uh if somebody was following Mike around, what would it what would it have looked like?

what it what went you know this is this is again it tells me not not worry guilt remorse and all that kind of stuff it's just kind of okay give me the facts you know what did it look like uh where were you rude where were you where you did you take time you know the guy who wanted to talk to you uh about his child did you did you cut him off because you were in a hurry to go get your coffee what you know what what things would you like to have look different tomorrow and all those kind of things. See, because if I don't care if if I don't have a career concern to examine what my behavior was today, how is God supposed to take it seriously when I get on my knees tomorrow morning and ask him to make me wonderful? You know, you said, "What's that?" You know, and uh that's that's not God punishing me.

That's me just getting the consequences of my behavior. And so just take a quick look at that. And one of the one of the things my my friend uh Clint suggested to me that uh because I I was having trouble getting that done before bedtime.

And he said, "Well, look, Mike," he says, "I'm busy, too. I've got this law practice out in LA and everything else and and frequently my and I'm active in Alcoholics Anonymous and frequently, you know, before my head hits the pillow isn't a good time. So what I do is is I I review my day at the end of my business day before I leave the office, before I close the desk down and everything else.

I just kind of take stock of the day from that point, you know, and uh that seems to work for those times if I'm if I'm failing to do it because at the end of the day, the end of the end of the day, I'm I'm way too tired to do it. So, I did that and uh Clint Clint gave me another uh exercise that uh really was very helpful to me. Uh he said, "Uh, Mike, I'd like you to start your morning after your meditation." And he said, "I'd like you to I think I may have one here.

Uh, I'd like you to uh just make take a post-it note and make a list of the four or five things that you're not going to be willing to do today to have a better relationship with God. And I said, "Well, Clint, what about all the things I'm willing to do?" He says, "Well, now those won't be causing you any trouble, will they?" So, Post-it note, all it takes spiritual tool, you know, and uh at the time I wrote this particular one, I I I I absolutely was unwilling to give up the idea that I can read your mind. I can stand up here right now and look out and I can I can look into your faces and I can tell what every one of you is thinking.

And uh you know, that's rarely a good thing for me. I mean, you know, somebody's back there just with a terrible expression on their face and, you know, I don't know, maybe it was something you ate this morning. It was the eggs, you know, but I'm I'm sure, you know, that's that's the that's the dagger of self-centeredness.

I'm sure it's all about me, you know, and I never get the answer that I want there. And so, I'm uh unwilling to give up my mind. I'm un I I believe I can predict the future.

Well, I can try sponsoring this guy, but I know how it's going to turn out. You know, I got to tell you, I had the pleasure of attending a wedding in June for a guy that uh almost everybody had given up on. Uh, and if I hadn't loved him so much, I might have, too.

But, uh, I mean, I spent Christmas Eve in the emergency room with him and his wife and I all his ex-wife, rather, and, uh, all this all this stuff. And, uh, and Bob ended his his run, uh, living behind a 7-Eleven in Las Vegas. And uh it was in July and he was he had lost his shoes and was wrapping t-shirts around his feet so he could stand to walk on the pavement to go and try and hustle a drink.

Uh and uh he uh I went to his wedding in June uh and his ex-wife had blessed the wedding. uh his uh son was his best man uh and his daughter was there and uh his new stepdaughter was there and they danced and they played and they had a wonderful time and see I get reminded what we're really about. One of the lessons Don had always told me, he said, "Mike, this isn't so much about sobriety.

Yes, sobriety is the beginning. It's the foundation, but this is the real work here is to put damaged families back together again and hopefully heal them where possible and to create new ones uh where those that damage won't happen again or if it does, we can heal again." And so the miracle is I I love I love it when I see things like that in Alcoholics Anonymous and my mind told me that, you know, uh when I when I gave Bob his five-year coin, I said, you know, I I was absolutely knew what I was going to say at your memorial service. I don't have any idea what to say today.

Uh and we're clear that God did that. Uh I'm unwilling to be just average. I either want to be the best you've ever seen or the worst you've ever seen.

But the toughest thing for me is just to ask me to be a team player to be one of the guys. And uh I live a at this time I was living a life full of distraction and distraction to me uh distraction the destructive one was you know dating the married woman with the guntoing husband. That's you know that's level one.

So I I'm I'm spiritually elevated. So I tone this down. Now I now I'm at this time I'm spending more money than I have.

Uh I'm uh I've got my car gra you know speedway in the beltway is 55 miles an hour. I think God gave me the right to drive 80 when I'm in a hurry and there isn't heavy traffic there. So I can always be have my eyes glued to the rear view mirror to see if there's a cop on the offramp and so forth.

And the result is may not get a ticket, but I arrive at my destination and I don't even know where I've been because all my attention's been on the rearview mirror and here and there and everything else. And all I've got a life that's built whether it whether it's the TV I'm watching or I mean I actually DVR programs that make me mad. You know, how insane is that?

There there's some people there's some people on cable that just drive me nuts. I did I record that so I can go, what's up with that? You know, this is a spiritual this is what a spiritual mic looks like.

So I I this my life is full of distraction. I bring it in there. And Clint said, you know, he says, don't try and change these things.

Just take this and put it in your pocket that as you go out that morning and when when you go and run in when you run into a problem during the day and things aren't going right, reach in and take a look at that list and you'll see that you made a decision this morning that brought this problem into your life. You can go scrape the happens bumper sticker off the car. doesn't happen.

You make decisions and consequences happen. And see that for me is a part of a process of change because it anything that gets me directly connected with cause and effect uh it happens. I uh we're about out of time, but I want to tell you a little bit about uh the inventory process that got me to uh uh the God of my understanding today.

And I won't give you too many details, but I'll give you enough here. I uh I wrote a I wrote a series I I wrote some inventory and in our tradition is that we do multiple fifth steps. We share it with a number of people, new people, old people and stuff like that.

Uh it's great ego reduction exercise in my experience. Uh and rarely do I have anything there that's going to harm anybody else. You know, I I I re I I remember once that as a actually making amends to that gal that I was had had the affair with some years later, she said, "Obviously, Mike, something's happened to you that hasn't happened to me here yet.

Uh would you be willing to take me and these girls I sponsor through the book?" And I thought Don' get me off the hook with that. And I called him up and he says, "Well," he says, "Are you still interested in having an affair with any of them?" And I no and he says, "Well, I think you can do that." So I so I did and uh I uh came to inventory and I said, "Well, Don, you know, if I'm doing this with the my guys, I'm I'm going to share inventory, but surely I'm not going to do that in a workshop full of women." And he says, "Well, read it to me." And so I did. And he says, "Well, I don't see where anything's going to get damaged but your ego." And uh so I so I did and I had a wonderful experience.

I haven't repeated needed to repeat that experience. By the way, Linda informed me there were just plenty of strong women around there that they could handle the load just fine without any on any help from me. But uh what I did have is I had a one-time glimpse >> >> uh at powerlessness from a woman's point of view.

and and that you know so often in some of this spiritual work it's a little bit like a PC and a Mac. It may look the same. What you see on the screen may be the same but by the the thought process that brings us to what's on the screen is different.

The software is different. And so I I got I got a real different appreciation uh by virtue of doing that. But uh so ego reduction there.

I I I digressed. I I wrote wrote this one inventory but in and in in the fourth column that it kept appearing time after time unwilling or unable to trust God. Unwilling or unable to trust God.

And Don picked up on that and he says Mike he says in my experience you become a man who would very much like to trust God. and he says, "If you're not trusting God, there must be something in your way, something that's blocking you." And uh let's see if we can find out what it is. And he took me into it.

And uh what what happened is I I went back and I'm sitting at I'm sitting at the kitchen table with my dad and uh I'm uh I'm a young man still, but I'm I'm I've returned home from Vietnam. I'm allegedly grown up in a hero now. Uh, and my dad's sitting there and this great big guy who is a hero of mine is sitting there with tears in his eyes in a pile of my bad checks in front of him uh that he went out and picked up and we lived in a little town in Iowa.

And he was the people I wrote those bad checks to were his friends and people he did business with and people that he played golf with and everything else. And my dad was looking at those and and seeing the helplessness and the despair on his face. He looked at me and he says, "Mike," he says, "I love you more than I can tell you." And he says, "But he says, the more I try to help you," he says, "the more you seem to screw up.

What am I going to do with you?" Now, given what my behavior was, that was a perfectly appropriate statement for my dad to make. Uh, but I took that in and I projected that onto God the Father. And I heard God telling me, "Mike, look at all I've done for you.

I just saved your life in Vietnam. I've given you careers. I've given you relationships.

I've given you money. I've I've saved your life in active alcoholism. Look at all I've done for you and you keep screwing it up.

What am I going to do for you? And so the concept the concept that had been so helpful bringing me this far was now something that was in my way. And Tony Dlo talks about that.

Dlo talks about uh uh he was originally from Puna, India and he says you know if I want to go to the next village to visit my friend he says I need to get on my donkey to make that journey he says but I can't complete the journey until I get off the donkey so I can go in my friend's house and he says concepts are like that you know they carry us from one place to another but at some point we need to be willing to let go of them so we can continue our journey. So the very thing that had brought me along was now the thing that was standing in my way. And it will be different things for different people.

I'm not telling you how to look at this. But I found that see I would have ne without Don's examination I would have never found that one thing that was right there. I could never completely surrender in that relationship with God because it was what am I going to do with you?

I help you all the time and you keep screwing up. I do everything for you and you still can't get it right, Mike. You know, I don't know about you, but I'm not going to show up for a relationship like that.

My relationship with God was kind of like with the IRS. Uh I knew I had to deal with him. I knew he was probably going to find out the truth of what was going on.

Uh but I don't want to have any more. I don't want to get any closer than I absolutely have to. And of course, I'm the loser for that.

So out of all of this, out of out of an inventory about something entirely else, I get I get a whole new I get the foundation of a new relationship with God. And the foundation is is as simply as I can reduce it for you is just this. The first the first and most important thing for me in that relationship with God is God's not angry.

I don't know about you, but I will not open myself up to somebody who's anger closes me down and folds me in in one thing or another. And taking it a step further, you know, if if I was able to change God by how I behaved, who'd be God? You know, if I could make God happy acting this way and make him sad this way and make him angry that way, uh, I think I'd probably be pulling the strings, wouldn't I?

So, old ideas. See, this is not this whole process is not about me making new discoveries so much as me just pitching old ideas. It's like I come here with this backpack.

I can barely stand up and stagger down the road with it. And with your help and with if I show up with you in this meditation and the inventory process, all of it, you know, uh, bit by bit, you start taking those bricks out of my pack and I get to stand up straighter and my loads lighter and I get to be more efficient on the road. And the second piece of that that relationship was uh, God doesn't think comparatively.

God loved me just as much when I'm standing in a liquor store writing a bad check to go buy a bottle of whiskey to seduce my neighbor's wife as he does when I'm at the Salvation Army trying to help a newcomer. Now, I make no mistake, I get a different consequence according to which one of those things I'm doing. But that is not God punishing me.

That's me just getting the consequence of my action. See, uh, again, I'm I can't manipulate God by my behavior. And then the question, and it really became important because it came at me from two directions at the same time.

Both Don and Clint asked me this at within within hours of each other. Uh, I don't think they colluded, but they may have. uh but uh said, "Mike, ask yourself this.

What would your life look like if you took the position, God wants your happiness even more than you do yourself?" Uh, and I'd always had this vision, God wants me to be good, and God wants me to work hard, and God wants me to this, and God wants I I never had happiness on that list. And he says, 'Well, Mike, let's think about that. He says, 'You got your your stepson Andrew that I know you love him like a rainbow and and uh what do you want from him?

And well, I I I just want him to be happy really, you know? I I don't care whether he's a doctor or a mechanic or a painter or, you know, whatever. I mean, I as long as he's happy, that's wonderful.

anything else would be about my ego. He says, "Well, if you in your imperfect state can want happiness for your child," he says, "Is it a hard leap to imagine that God would want nothing less for you yourself?" And so that starts to change everything. I've got a God that's not angry.

Uh, so he's approachable. He's not he's not continually judging me. Uh, and now I find out his primary purpose is my happiness.

Uh, I can get down for that relationship. That one I show up with. This is not, okay, I got to get on my knees this morning and just say it one more time.

And no, I can open my heart to that. Wow, I can't wait to see what's happening next. And uh then finally, the the last piece of that, would you be willing to consider that perhaps God might know what would make you happy more than you do yourself?

And I got to see that's where I'm not an inventory burner, by the way. I've got them all stacked up because I believe the the inventory I write is part of me participating in God's recycling plan. See what happens is I go out try to live my life with good intentions.

I produce a bunch of garbage and I harm people and and create unhappiness. And if I put this in God's hands, it gets recycled into something that can be useful to others. See, I don't I'm not I'm not scared about anybody finding any of that inventory.

Uh simply because the man that that inventory is talking about doesn't exist anymore. Uh and so I can when I'm working with you, I can show that inventory to you and say, "Here, this is who I was and this is when I was that way." And these days, of course, it's it's been sober behavior for a long time. We're not talking about drunkenness.

Here's Yeah, I was I was a liar, a cheat, and all this kind of stuff. And uh this is the chain. You know me.

So you you make the decision. Did God change me or not? You know, and if he can change me, he can certainly change you.

the tell you quickly one thing and then I'll close here. I uh I wrote an inventory. I uh I got I got uh got a divorce that I didn't want to have shortly after I found the the steps in the program.

And after all the heartbreak of that divorce, uh she and I have had a good divorce for the last 18 years. And uh we're good friends to the to this day. Uh and she's a member of this program and sober along a year longer than I am.

And uh she's become one of my my great friends. And what happened was God just simply restored us to where we were supposed to be. We were two people in Alcoholics Anonymous that were really well suited to be each other's good friend.

And because we were alcoholic, we decided marriage would be more. And so uh God helped us restore the friendship. And I wasn't smart enough to think of that.

Uh she was. We went to a PTA meeting after the divorce was the first thing we could do together. And I I turned to her and I says, "Well, you know, Lori," I says, "I I I think the only bad feeling I have left about the divorce now is that it interrupted our friendship." And she turned to me with that lovely smile at her and she says, "Oh, Mike, didn't you understand?

It was the marriage that interrupted our friendship." Dad. Yeah. Uh, so I've I've got my my six-year-old son now and and we're uh I've got him three days a week and uh he uh he's been one of my great teachers and he decides that uh he says, "Mike, uh he says, "I'm I'm tired of these kids restaurants." He says, "I want to go to a grown-up restaurant tonight." And I said, "Okay, Andrew, we can do that." And uh this kid's a wise kid, by the way.

He's four years old. I'm bringing him home from daycare. And he says, "You know, Mike, things might go better for you if you say the second thing that comes to your mind." And I was and I I was I was worried about I was worried about being a dad because I didn't, you know, I was older and I didn't know that I, you know, do the right thing and everything.

And Lori says, "Well, pay attention to him. He'll show you what to do." And so, sure enough, we he had another one of those com. He says, "Mike," he says, "You need to know that I've got plenty of friends.

I need you to be my dad." Uh, say, "If you pay attention, you'll get the answer." Uh, so I'm I'm in this restaurant with Andrew and it's Friday night and God, it's date night and I I'm having a good time with him until I look around and I see all the couples together and they're in love and uh I just get this self-pity tsunami hits me. Uh, I'm uh the world is in love and I'm here with a six-year-old. God, you know, and uh so I I I I behave, right?

I I we finish the meal, I go home, we we watch watch the video and and shower and put him in bed and and I get my pencil out and I'm writing like a uh like a fiend. And uh I'm mad. I'm mad.

I'm pissed at God. And uh I'll share briefly with you here. Uh even though I'm mad at God, I write God, please help me across the top of you.

And it didn't make uh I'm I'm by the way, I don't hold myself out as a samurai inventory writer. I would write this differently today, but you know it it see all the inven I've never written the perfect inventory, just the one that kept me alive till the next one. Uh, so I resented God.

And the reason I resented God is because I don't have the relationship I want to have with a woman. I think God's either only going to give me the choice between having a sick relationship or no relationship. I'm lonely.

People I sponsor with less sobriety are having better relationships than I am. I'm afraid that God will keep me in this pain because I'll be more useful to others than if I have the relationship I fantasize about. How's that for self-pity?

It gets worse. Um, I feel like God has given me a gift of communicating with the others and the price of the gift is my own happiness. >> I'm mad because I know that only God can help me and I don't believe he will.

Oh, yeah. This this will keep you right sized here. Affects my self-esteem.

I feel like I'd sell out my principles to have a comfortable relationship. For example, I might do something like hit on a newcomer. As a result, I feel like a phony.

Don said, "That's cuz you're a phony." Uh uh distorting my sex relation. Uh I uh I decided that the answer to my sex life uh was to outsource it before it became fashionable. I uh I I got obviously these things were a problem.

So I decided that I was I had a sexonly relationship with a woman who was not in the program and the arrangement was no dates, no dinners, no flowers. just what we would what we would do is we would call this was before texting. We would call each other up and make dates to play raetball and raetball was the code word for secretaries and everything else.

So, and this I thought see it's my solutions that get me in trouble. So I So I So this isn't working for me either, which is actually good news. I'm not that guy.

I can't live that way. Uh uh I started buying porn again. Uh fix my personal relations, keep me jealous of others, comparing it myself to them, coveting what they've got.

I think they've got in relationships. I'm unwilling to share my pain. I feel ashamed apart from flawed and different.

My unbalanced drive in this area makes me vulnerable to getting drunk. Uh com compromising my principles will get me drunk and I know I don't have the strength not to do this. Uh I was uh still writing my part in those days before I Don pointed out to me it was my mistake not my part.

Uh, I'm not I'm not willing to give this to God because I don't think he's interested or willing to help me. See, isn't it interesting? It's like the pebble in the shoe.

I don't need much to die a spiritual death. I just need to make a decision that some important part of my life God's not going to help me with. That's all.

That's all I I don't need to do anything more spectacular than that to begin dying spiritually. And it doesn't seem just seems like it makes sense. Well, God doesn't care who I'm sleeping with, you know, especially not like this, you know, and I'm I'm willing to sell out my principles for relief.

I'm impatient. Uh I'm not willing to take an honest look at what this fantasy relationship won't do for me. I want somebody else to fill me up and make me feel safe and secure, and only God can do that.

And so, uh, I, uh, called up Gary in Indianapolis, the guy I used to hate, and read it to him and we chatted a bit and, uh, gave me some direction. And then I worked my way west across the time zones and called Don up. And, and when I talked to Don, Don, Don's taking, he says, "Mike," he says, "I want you to start saying this prayer and and nothing else." and uh says, "Okay." He says, "The prayer is just this.

God, please teach me about love." I said, "Thanks, Don." And I called somebody else. And part of my deal with Don is if I took his advice and I didn't like what happened is that I could call up and complain. And so a couple weeks later, I called Don up and I said, ' Don, you need to know I don't think much of your damn prayer.' And he says, "Well, why is that, cowboy?" And I says, "Well, since I've started saying that prayer, the only woman I was interested with got a job transfer out of town and I went to my doctor last week and he gave me some blood pressure medicine that's made me impotent." And he says, "I think you misunderstood the prayer.

He says, "The prayer is please teach me about love, not God, get me a woman." And he says, "You're Mike, you're a man who knows a great deal about sex and nothing about love." And so he says, "Work with me on this. Can start keep saying that prayer." And so I kept saying the prayer. And uh an amazing thing happened.

I fell wildly, head over heels, just madly in love with my son. Uh, and I we'd always had a good relationship, but now I mean it was like it was always more special between him and mom. And now it was we had our own special and it was there was just nothing between us.

And the next thing that happened was that I I fell in love with that ex-wife again. Not so I wanted to marry her. But what happened as near as I could describe it to you is God restored her to the place she had in my heart before the marriage and everything else started and and started destroy uh all the problems.

And it went on and as I told you, I uh I kept saying that prayer over the years and I I it was 1992 when I started saying that prayer and I've said that prayer for 18 years now. And uh of course my relationship with Linda, I thought, "Wow, this is this this is the fulfillment of the prayer." you know, God has brought me this unbelievable woman that I admire and and we we do aa together and we travel together and we do you know it was just wonderful and uh then she died and uh I thought the prayer had turned to ashes in my mouth but because you told taught me to persist what happened is that that the prayer has continued to unfold in a new way. And what I needed to learn as it turned is I needed to learn to accept your love.

Uh and that's been a far more frightening thing. See, when I'm the lover, when I'm dispensing the love, I decide when the love's going to come, how the love's much it's going to be, when it stops, and all that kind of stuff. If I'm in control of that, when I'm allowing you to love me and receive your love, I'm no longer in charge.

I'm surrendering. What if what if you what if you stop loving me? What if what if you decide, well, that's enough, Mike?

All those things. And of course, that takes me closer into that relationship with God and so forth. And so I continue to say the prayer.

I uh continue to walk the trail. Uh and uh I've gotten a a couple of visits from Linda along the way. And the first one was where she came to me and she clearly said with that lovely smile that she'd always had, she says, "Oh, Mike, grieve if you need to.

Uh, but if you want to make me happy. I I my ego doesn't need your grief. I need your happiness.

So, if you want me to be happy, be happy." Uh and uh and then another one she had a wonderful little laugh and not long after that I I cried out in anguish one night. My god, I'm I'm never going to love anybody like I loved you. And I'm I'm in serious anguish.

And and I hear the giggle come back. Well, of course not, silly. You've already done that.

And I understood what the message was. I've already done that. Thank God.

See, God didn't take her. God received her. Uh she's forever young, forever beautiful.

And uh what she did forever lives in the hearts. And as Don said, her she's now anonymous. And the things she's done are now helping women who never knew her name.

Uh, and the love continues and the love flows. So, thank you for letting me come here and love you a little bit today. Thanks.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.