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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Feeling that I got from doing this third step and turning my will in my life over the care of God just, you know, it just gets repoed. It goes away.

And how many times did I get down on my knees and with all of my heart and deep sincerity, you know, here God, you take this, you know, and uh then I walked away like God was some kind of a bellhop that was just going to come pick up my luggage and I did I wasn't doing any more work. Uh I was busy being that spiritual litterbug. uh and it's uh it just didn't work.

So what I would I would what I was caught up in was the drama of the third step. Uh and what I'm doing with the third step is I'm I'm making the decision here. Am I am I willing to continue in this relationship with God?

Am I continuing? Am I am I willing to do the rest of the work? Am I gonna show up and I'm gonna because the way we know whether I'm gonna show up and what I'm going to do this whether I've met the way we know whether we met our third step not is whether I find a pencil in my hand shortly thereafter.

You know if I if I haven't got a pencil in my hand then I then I apparently didn't mean what I said. Anybody got any questions to this point? Okay.

So the third step question here is really am I willing to stop playing God? Am I willing to let God be God and me be the alcoholic? Now it says, you know, I have to have God's help.

That's this is the how and the why of it. First of all, I had to quit playing God. And for the best reason in the world, it didn't work.

Uh next, I decide that here and after in this drama of life, God's going to be my director. He's the principal. I'm his agent.

I've uh I've sold insurance. I know what the company the company's got the principal and I'm the agent. They tell me what I can sell and how I can sell it.

uh he is the father and I'm his child. Most good ideas are simple and this concept was the keystone of a new and triumphant arch through which I passed to freedom. Uh and then they give me the promises that go along with this.

When I sincerely took such a position, in other words, I'm going to let God be God and I'm going to be the alcoholic. All sorts of remarkable things followed. Uh, I have a new employer.

Being all powerful, he provided me what I needed. If I kept close to him and performed his work well. Established on such a footing, I become less and less interested in myself, my little plans and designs, and more and more I become interested in seeing what I can contribute to life.

Now, the primary characteristic of alcoholism uh is extreme self-centeredness. self-centerness run a buck. It's all about me.

So, this what we're really talking about here is recovery from uh from uh the symptoms of alcoholism. I become less and less interested in myself. I'm dying of self-centerness whether I know it or not.

And I'm going to become less and less interested in myself and my little plans and my little designs. And more and more I become interested in seeing what I can contribute to life. Folks, that's a miracle when a self-centered person now becomes interested in contributing to life rather than taking from life.

I'm going to going to add to instead of take from. I feel new power flow in as I enjoy peace of mind as I discovered that I could face life successfully. Uh, I haven't been facing life successfully up to this point.

Uh, I uh I told Don, I says, "Well, Don, uh, I've been successful in life. I mean, you know, I pointed to my resume and everything else." He says, "No, you weren't successful. You just made a lot of money." Uh, and that was true.

I made a lot of money at a pretty young age, but I didn't have any idea of really what to do with it. And I certainly wasn't a steward of it. And you know, there was a part of me that an interesting phenomena.

I'm uh professionally I'm a certified financial planner. Uh and it was pointed out to me a long time ago and I started watching it professionally and I have for about the last 15 years very closely. The guy told me he says, "Mike, you watch." She says, "People that don't have self-esteem can't hang on to money, no matter how much of it they got." Uh, and I've watched that repeated time and time again.

Uh, I've watched watched people uh, in fact, I sponsor one guy that inherited several million dollars after he shortly after he got sober. Uh, he never got drunk behind it. Uh, but uh, it sure created problems for him.

Uh, and I watched my own behavior. Uh, I I sat down I was telling Bob on the trip up here one one year I a number of years ago I sat down right after the first of the year to review the client accounts and and see uh see how much money we'd made for the clients and and so forth. And I looked looked at all the clients account.

Then I I looked at mine and I realized that I'd made money more money for each of the clients than I'd made for myself. Now, how the hell can a thing like that be? You know, that's not supposed to be.

And I realized when I dug into it that the reason that the clients made more money than I did is that I did things with my money that I would never consider doing with the client's money. See, don't you know that I know more? I'm an expert.

I'm right on top of this. I can I wouldn't let a client do this, but I can I can zip in and out of this investment and and I'll I'll know how to manage it, you know? Well, I got the results in black and white for so for me, self-esteem is, you know what, I'm going to treat myself as good as I treat the clients.

You know, that's a spiritual awakening for a guy like me. Uh and it's had a nice effect on on the bottom line, too. you know, but all that stuff.

I lived life for years just not know noticing stuff like that and wondered wondered why it wasn't working or if why it didn't seem to be working as well as it should be working. And inevitably when I sit down and and one of the benefits of going through this work with the men I sponsor and others is that uh we get to find things like that, everybody's got stuff like that in their closet. It shows up in different ways, but we all got stuff like that.

Uh, you know, the the thing is I I don't need a single thing more. I mean, it's process getting my head around the fact that spiritual development is about getting rid of things. It's not getting I've got everything I'll ever need in the spiritual sense here.

It's getting rid of the stuff that I've got that's blocking me from it. I'm like a guy that's trying to mar run a marathon with a backpack full of bricks here. Those bricks are my old ideas.

And so every time I can find an old idea and toss it out of that backpack, my load gets lighter. I can move faster. I can move farther.

I don't need to get anything to be a winner. I need to get rid of things. I love it.

My uh my friend Clint, his wife uh Linda, they were uh hanging around home one weekend a couple years ago and it was a nice sunny Saturday. knew the weather was nice. And he says, "Well, dear, what what should what what should we do today?" And she looked at him with a big smile.

And she says, "Well, why don't we go find an old idea and get rid of it?" You know, and uh and isn't isn't it isn't it sweet? Every time I find one of these old ideas, uh, it's it's good news, but I've got a mind that'll tell me that, "Oh, I can't I'll resist letting go of it." You know, I'll no, I've old idea. That's an old friend of mine.

I can't let that go. I don't want to let that go. And uh, that's my head lying to me.

You know, I gota I got to treat my head like that wet drunk we were talking about. Thank you for sharing and uh, move on. >> >> So super set of promises here.

Now these promises are more than just nice stuff. Uh what they are is they're practical checklists. And one of one of the things I I liked here particularly in the beginning was they told me that if I did the work exactly the way it was laid out here and I didn't get the results that I should thought I should get that I could come back and complain and I I I was I was righteous and I I I wanted to be able to complain.

So those promises I started paying attention to them as my checklist. That's uh that's how I know if I I did the work right. So, and we come to this third step prayer here.

God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me the bondage of self. Apparently, it's self that's killing me.

Doesn't say relieve me of my business partner. doesn't say straighten out my wife. You know, it relieves me the bondage of self.

What am I bound by? I'm bound by myself and I'm bound by my old ideas. That's what's binding me.

So, I'm praying, relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your will, you know, take away my difficulties. What are my difficulties? You know, is she my difficulty?

Is he my difficulty? You know, no. My difficulties are the way I'm living my life.

My difficulties are my old ideas. My difficulty is that I'm bound to these old ideas that in this old vision that this is the way it's got to be. and uh the bondage of self that I may better do thy will.

Take away my diff difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Thy power, thy love and thy way of life. May I do thy will always.

Uh now I'm not doesn't say take away these difficulties so I can live a comfortable life. You know I'm dying of self-centeredness. The way I'm going to live here is turning away from self.

So, I'm going to get these difficulties taken away because when people can see a self-centered sob like me acting like a decent human being, they they're going to know that there's some real power at work. I bet many of you have had the experience of going to somebody and making amends and just have their jaw drop open. You know, uh, some people literally would be stunned when I would say something as simple as, "I've been wrong." Uh, you know, Mike, I've known you for 30 years and I've heard you say you're sorry a million times.

I've never heard you say you're wrong. You know, there's power in this, you know, and it's it has great effect beyond me. I'm just the channel that the power flows through.

So, it says my difficulties too. I I was just remembering I I love uh a story that uh Clint tells and I I check being who I am, I checked it out to make sure it was based in truth. But uh years ago, particularly when they were doing polio research, they needed lots of monkeys to do this research uh on the vaccines and so forth.

and they they had they captured these monkeys in Africa and the way they they couldn't use a regular trap uh because they injure the animals in these traps and the other kind they were way too smart. So what they did is they uh the villagers showed them how to catch the monkeys. And what they did is they had a bunch of cast iron vases with long thin necks in them.

And they put bunch of sweet meats inside these vases and just laid them at various points along the trail. And the monkeys and they just went back to camp and had a few beers and and sat around and and waited for a while. The monkeys would find these jars and they would smell the sweet meats in there and they would reach in and grab a handful of them and then try and pull them out.

Uh they couldn't get their hands out when their fists were full of the sweet meats because it wouldn't fit through the neck of the jar. Uh and the monkeys would not let go. All they had to do to be free was just let go.

And they absolutely refused to do it, you know. And so consequently, along came along came the hunters and uh they tranquilized the monkey. The monkeyy's hand relaxed, let go, and zap.

They got a they've got a monkeyy's in a cage on on his way to being in an experiment someplace. And isn't that just like me? You know, I'm going with my vase here.

I'm I'm going talking to my sponsor. I'm talking to my spiritual adviser. I want to be free.

I need Oh, I want Gosh, Mike, do you want to be rid of this problem? Sure, I do. Let go.

Oh, I can't. No. No.

No. You don't understand. Let go.

Uh, but I can't and I won't one. So, uh, it's I'll tell you just the image of myself with my hand up to my armpit in a vase is is enough to help me along and let me go. So, uh, it tells us here that, uh, we should think well before taking this step.

So, what I'm going to suggest now is that we'll maybe take a 10 or 15 minute break and come back here. And those of you that want to uh when we come back, uh we'll take the third step together and move on. So, we'll see you in 10 or 15.

Had ahead of time to socialize. Anyway, here it's a it's marvelous watching the dynamic of this group change from last night to this morning here. uh some of the conversations I had during the break.

Uh I'd like to uh they brought up a couple of questions and I think there's at least one uh gentleman over here that wants wants to share a little bit with us about uh uh an insight he's got uh around an image and uh so we'll get started with that. Go ahead if you would. >> Good morning.

My name is Kenny. >> Hi Kenny. 1987 my home and I came to the boards of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I really had uh struggled with that third step, you know, because of my image of the past of a of a very damaging punishing God. And so my uh sponsor over the years has kind of gave me an image, you know, as it talks about made a decision to turn a will in our life so God has understood him. It kind of gave me the image of was going to an attorney and giving my last will and testament to God of all my wants and desires over to him and and listed them out and made a list of them and gave them over to God.

And from over that, it really I've taken that power of my will over to God. And it's kind of uh seen those dreams and desires really come about from through his grace instead of through my uh confession of my confusion of uh of disharmony in in the world. So that's kind of one of the things that really helped me out over the years.

Thank you. >> Thanks. Yeah.

>> Did anybody else have anything they wanted to share along that line? >> That's an outside issue. >> You either love me.

I s I solved that problem. My sponsor is an attorney. So, I mean, you know, I uh one of the other things that uh was brought up to me uh by a couple of different folks is uh uh reminded me of the reservations I I really had around this.

If I if I really turned my will and my life over to the care of God, who and what was I going to be? Uh, was I was I going to be uh all of a sudden uh you know get turned into, for lack of a better description, a dork, you know? Uh was was I was I going to be one of these people that I kicked sand in their face all my life?

You know, was was I going to be, you know, dull and boring and glum as is as as the book talks about? Uh, and I can laugh about it a little bit, but that there was a there's a pretty strong secret reservation about just what this God was going to do with me, uh, if I really turned my will and my life over. And so it was great comfort to me when it was pointed out.

Uh they said, "Mike, you know, look at the look at the healing stories with the around the great master." And uh you see that you'd have uh the master going through the Holy Land and he'd come along a man who was blind and crippled and had sores sitting by the road. And he said, 'You noticed, Mike, that the master didn't go up and just zap that guy out of his troubles and tribulations. He always in each one of those stories went up and approached the person and said, "Would you like to walk?

Would you like to see?" You know, he asked their permission before he applied his healing powers. He never he treated them with great respect and never healed anybody against their will. Uh and he you know he'd tell tell the guy that couldn't walk he said he said would you like to be healed?

And the guys say yes. And he said oh well get up and come along with me. And what do we do with people when they they come here and I can't stop drinking.

I can't stop drinking. Well don't drink and just come along with us. you know, and what we all get is an opportunity in our own way to be healers.

But if we're doing this deal right, we we never heal people or we never try and do anything to them without their permission and consent. And so one of one of the things that my conception of that power greater than myself as God is part of it. Uh is that God's very respectful.

Uh God's God's always a gentleman. He will not intrude where he is not wanted uh in my life. Uh if I if I choose to banish him, he will he will leave me alone and I can have the conse.

So uh that's it was important for me. I couldn't have even articulated at the time but that was one of the great re reservations I had around sincerely doing this. Uh I was really I had no problem with you know here God you can have the problems uh but having my life and my will now that's that's wait a minute you know so uh any other questions >> right here.

Yeah, >> Mark, alcoholic from Crescent City. >> I had a flash during the break. I took a walk out through the woods out here.

And one of the things that that you talked about was being a a financial planner and and I was thinking to myself that turning it over for me has always meant, you know, being a spiritual litter bug. You know, here's my problem. But I use a financial planner and I I take what's valuable to me, you know, my money, my nest egg, and I I make a decision to hand it over and say, "Here, you you make something out of this >> and and show me how to invest it and and how can I get a return on it?" And um it occurred to me that that that's what I need to be doing with with uh uh my spiritual capital.

Um taking what I have good to offer, what I have good left in my life because when I've made my own investments, it's always gone to hell in a hand basket. Eventually, I'm bankrupt. Take that spiritual capital and and and hand it over to God as I understand.

God say, "Here, you invest it. make something good out of it, you know, maybe we can get a return from it. >> Yeah.

>> And uh just the insight I had during it break. >> Yeah, absolutely. It's very very close to uh something uh I came to a long time ago.

Again, looking at at the way I made my living, I I realized that uh I'm I'm a steward for quite a few million dollars of other people's money, and I get to make in decisions and send it here and send it there and all that kind of stuff. Uh, and I I have I I have power there, but it ain't my money, you know. I I get to profit by being a good steward of that money and so forth.

But the same way God will give me the strength and the power to do what I need to do. Uh but it's not really my power. The power is the power is being given to me.

It's been lent to me for for for a specific purpose. And I get to be a custodian uh of that that was given to me. Uh and where I get in trouble in where I go off the rails is I start thinking it's my power.

you know, uh, we all know the story of the sorcerer's apprentice that, you know, picks picks up the master's magic wand and starts going around and and trying to use the power for himself and it just goes to hell in a hand basket. And that's the that's the story of my life when I've misused the the power that's given to me. Uh, and make no mistake, there's a lot of power here.

There's a great deal of power in this room right now. Uh, spiritual people are powerful people. uh and we can have a deep impact on the lives of others and we do it for good or for bad.

Uh and so uh it's it's important to uh for me anyway to have the image of being a steward and or a custodian of that power. So, all right. Well, as Terry's gonna queue up and we're going to play a little ple piece of music to relax to here, uh it'll be familiar to many of you.

Uh it's uh it's from a guy by the name of Paka Bell. He was a one- hit wonder uh few hundred years ago. Uh he only really had one hit, but it was a hell of a hit.

You've probably heard it at weddings and funerals and everything else. Uh but I uh what I love about it is the music. Again, the image I have here uh with this is that uh is the image of a homecoming.

Uh and I'm coming back to my father's house. uh and I'm uh see my my rightful place my my place in life my place where I started out I was I was born a perfect spiritual human being and not long after birth uh I started exerting my will in the world uh and I know even though I can't tell you what day it was I know exactly when my life really went to hell uh and that was when somebody told me know and made it stick. Uh and I just knew in my heart that that wasn't right and spent the rest of my life trying to change that.

Uh so uh old gal told me said son you can't come back where you haven't to where you from where you haven't been. So, I'm coming. We're uh I have the image of a homecoming here.

Uh and uh if that works for you, uh fine. If not, uh just relax and uh settle into the music here and then we'll take that third step prayer together. Okay, which reminds me uh that you'll notice if you that there's no amen after the third step prayer in our textbook.

Uh the next time we see amen, which is it's finished, so be it. Uh is at the end of the sevenstep prayer. So what we're beginning here is a whole series of prayerful actions through the next several steps.

So those of you that would care to how how would you like to take this? Sitting down, standing up, on our knees, uh it's up to you. >> Okay.

Uh, for those of you that are not familiar with the third step prayer, it's on page the middle of page 63 in in our book. God, >> I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me the bondage of self that I may better do thy will.

Take away my difficulties that have victory over thee and witness to those I would help. By thy power, thy love and thy way of life. May I do thy will always.

Let's go to work. Take the >> Well, I always thought it was a good idea to sit back and relax and congrat congratulate myself after I've done this except I I found the old spiritual tro truck out there repoing all the good feelings I got from this. So uh they showed me he said no Mike you know it says here next we launched out on a course of vigorous action.

The first step, not the only step, but just the first step of which is a personal house cleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though my decision, that was to take that third step was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in myself which had been blocking me. My liquor was but a symptom.

So, I had to get down to causes and convictions. My liquor is but a symptom. It isn't the deal.

Uh I uh there was a promise in this for me too that they pointed out to me. They said, "Mike, if you're willing to face this stuff, you can be rid of it. It's not you don't have to learn how to live with it.

You can actually be rid of this stuff." Uh, and that's that little piece enabled me to go forward with some of this stuff because I wasn't about to put my shovel into that manure pile that I'd created uh if I knew all I was going to do was turn over the manure so it smelled worse than it did before. Uh, so therefore, I need to start on a personal inventory. This was step four.

A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Uh by the way, uh a business that stays in inventory goes broke, too. Uh it's got to be open for business.

Uh we've uh my my nature is if something go works well, I I I I take it to the extreme. And uh uh there I went through a period of time and and I've seen it with some of the guys I sponsor where I get ahuh I see. I can manage my life with inventory.

Uh, and so I'll just write about every little thing that happens. Uh, and every blade of grass I bent and all this kind of stuff. And I can stay so busy with inventory that I'm I'm not able to be effective and do anything useful in the business of life here.

Taking a commercial inventory is a factf finding and fact-facing process. So what I'm going to it's an effort to discover about the truth about the stock and trade. One object is disclo is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods and to get rid of them promptly and without regret.

If the owner of a business is to be successful, he can't fool himself about values. So this stuff means that I'm they told me twice that if I'm willing to do this, I can be rid of this stuff. It doesn't have to push me around anymore.

I'll still have the memory of it, but I relate to it in a different way. Uh we did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly.

First I searched out the flaws in my makeup which caused my failure. What are the flaws in my makeup that caused me to fail at the business of life to not be effective? I'm not talking about the business of making money.

I'm talking about the business of living. Being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated me, I considered its common manifestations. Yeah, resentment's the number one offender.

It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. Now, I got to I'm a little slow. I think I'm a great reader and a good academic.

I'm a little slow, but they just told me alcohol or resentment kills more people than alcohol does. Uh, so I get if I've quit drinking, I've gotten rid of my alcohol, but I've still got the deadliest piece of it right there close to me. And if it's a resentment, I'm I'm holding it close to me, friends.

You know, uh, this is my little resentment. Don't you get near it. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease.

For I've been not only mentally and physically ill. I've been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, I'll straighten out mentally and physically.

And that tells me I need to set this stuff on paper. Uh I'm here to tell you I think one of the great disservices that at least some of the meetings in my part of the country I don't know about here do is that uh we almost use this fourstep business as a hazing tool. Oh, you better be careful about that.

Oh, you don't want to write that too quickly. Oh boy. If you, you know, if if if you start writing about that stuff and digging that stuff, it'll just make you crazy and get you drunk.

Uh if you uh you know, all the all the scar Oh, it's it's it's going to be terrible. You're going to really be depressed. And uh maybe some of it ought to depress me.

You know the truth is that each one of these steps and especially in my experience including this is a lifesaving lifegiving step if I will apply it properly. Uh here uh inventory isn't there as a harassment or hazing tool or some kind of a punishment. Ah you got to go write about that.

I get to I get to go write about it. I get to it's a step down the road to freedom, you know. It's about getting free.

I remember when I came to Don and uh I guess maybe ought to have straightened something out now. Uh Don was never my sponsor, but he was my friend and my teacher. Uh one of the great things I've I've I've got taught along the way is that every time I need to learn something new, I don't need to fire my sponsor and go hire a new one.

Uh well, you don't have what I need anymore, so get out of my life. Thanks a lot for saving my life, you know. Uh no, we can both have have a have a spiritual awakening.

As a matter of fact, there are times uh when I get to sponsor my sponsor. Uh I get to I get a chance to give back to that relationship. And you know what that is?

That's evidence that I'm I'm recovering from this hopeless state of mind and body. It's now long no longer about what you can give me. And if you can't give me anything more, get out of my life.

You know, the first time I got that lesson was from my first sponsor, a man named Neil. And I'd been was maybe about six months sober. And I'd been going to this big dose of meetings that I was telling you about.

Neil called me up and said, "Mike, I'll be over to pick you up for the uh 7:30 men's meeting tonight." And I said, "Well, Neil, I don't think I'll I'll be going." He says, "Oh, you sick?" And I said, "No." And he says, "Well, then why aren't you going?" He says, "Well, Neil, I I you know, all these meetings I've been going to," he says, "I I just I just don't need a meeting tonight." And he came through the phone and got me by my shirt collar and said, "You son of a bitch." Now, this was a guy that looked like Santa Claus. He was a sweet gentle man. And so, this got my attention.

He said, "You son of a The only thing that's happened to you in six months is you changed from an ordinary thief to where you're now a spiritual thief. Uh, you'll come to our meetings if you think you need something and we can give you something. But if you don't think you need something right now, we can all go screw ourselves until you need something again." and tell me if that isn't just the philosophy of a thief, somebody who takes and never gives.

And I didn't like it, but it started to crack a light that I started to get it a little bit. You know, what if all the people that showed up at the meeting, you know, when I came in were only the people that were terribly sick that night and unhappy and needed to get something. You know, that uh my go I don't go to meetings to get something.

And I go there to make a contribution. Uh and I go there to make a contribution because uh as I show up uh if I don't show up, my contribution is not going to be made. Uh the meeting will be okay and whoever's there will get taken care of.

But I miss getting to make my contribution. And I I found out that my my real one of my spiritual awakenings was the fact that I came here thinking about all the things I need this, I need that, I got to have this. Uh and I find out at the bottom line that I'm somebody who desperately needs to give.

I desperately need to make my contribution. Uh needy people take and some we all need to take at times. But the sign of success and wealth is that we can give.

And that's the that's the basic need that that I think we all have. And uh so when I get to start looking at all this and in terms I can when I hear myself talking in terms of what I need uh it's it's a trip wire. I got to start wait a minute.

What's going on here? Uh it's just like starting to sneeze and knowing that I've got the beginning of a cold coming on. What I when I hear myself talking about what I need and what I require, uh that's an indication then why I may maybe developing a case of some kind of spiritual sickness here and I I better start paying attention to it and I better better get help.

Uh and uh I get to I get graced uh because I I my life's put together in such a way as I just about can't get left alone. Uh there there there too many I' I people will come knock on my door, you know, never mind the telephone, email, and everything else that uh I've got a life that I I I just can't uh I can't successfully isolate myself. And I'm I'm grateful for it.

I uh I got my uh my life saved initially by writing uh bad inventory. I uh I'll sure you know I I think you can only go so far by talking about this theoretically and I think we got to get specific at a given point or I need to uh so the inventory some of this inventory that I'm going to share with you if I were writing it today I'd probably write it a little neater a a little better, a little tighter, uh a little more this or that or the other thing. But this was the inventory that at that time saved my life and carried me down the road till I could do the next piece of surrender.

Uh this uh this is we're asked to write three inventories. One about resentments, one about fears, and uh one about our sexual conduct first. And and then it turns out to be that that conduct inventory is pretty good to cover a lot of situations, not just uh it doesn't have to just be about humping.

Those uh those questions work well elsewhere. Uh this uh I'm free there. When I wrote this piece of inventory, uh, this represented some of the stuff that, uh, oh, I was about seven years sober.

It was some of the stuff that I was most deeply ashamed about. Seven years sober. I, uh, situation was this.

I, I recently uh, finished my divorce with my wife and uh, my son Andrew and I were I had him for the weekend. He he said, "Dad, you know," he says, "I don't want to go to McDonald's or Burger King tonight. Can't we go to a grown-up restaurant?" So, I said, "Okay." And so, Saturday night, Andrew and I went out to a grown-up restaurant.

And I'm I'm sitting there with my six-year-old son, and he's happy to be there, and we're having a great time. And all of a sudden, and I'm having a great time, all of a sudden, I start looking around and I I see all the couples there, the men and women there, and they're having a good time, and they're holding hands, and they're sitting there with candle light and everything else. And I just get hit by this tidal wave of self-pity.

You know, here I It's Friday night, it's date night, and here I am with a six-year-old. you know, what have you done for me, God? You know, so I'm I'm starting to burn a little bit.

And but you taught me how to act well. So I I treated Andrew, right? And we we finished that dinner up and I I went home and we watched some cartoons or a video or whatever we did.

And then I gave him a bath and I put him to bed. And the minute I had his little butt hit the bed, I got my pencil out and I started writing inventory. Uh, and uh, here's what uh, I came out with.

I was uh, I was taught I just take a pad and turn it sideways. And uh, although this instruction isn't in the book, uh, it was suggested to me to be helpful. I just write a little simple one-s sentence prayer across the top of each page to remind myself that I'm doing spiritual work here.

And it's uh, so the prayer on this one is, "God, please help me." Well, in the first column, I res I resent God. Well, why am I resenting God? Second column here.

I resent God because I don't have the relations uh relationship that I want to have with a woman. I think God will only give me the choice between either having a sick relationship or no relationship. I'm lonely.

People with less recovery make that people I sponsor seem to be ahead of me in this area. I'm It's It's It's It's bad when the guys you sponsor have relationships that are working better than yours. I'm afraid.

Oh, I'm afraid that God will keep me in this pain because I'm more useful to others this way than if than if I had the relationship I fantasize about. I might do less spiritual and program work. Oh god, I hate to read this.

I feel like God has given me the gift of communicating with others and the price of the gift is my own happiness. I'm mad because I know that only God can help me and I don't believe he will. Uh now look at the kind of God I built for myself.

Uh would you want to turn your will in your life over the care of something like that? Uh but that's I just let it go here in this second column. It'll just stream of consciousness.

W. Now, what's affected? Well, it affects my self-esteem.

I feel I feel like I'd sell out my principles to have a comfortable relationship. That is state. I I might do something like hit on a newcomer.

As as a as a result, I feel like a phony. Well, because I am a phony. Uh it distorts my sex relations.

I'm having an increasingly emotionally unsatisfying sexonly relationship. I I decided I was going to manage my sex life now that I was divorced. Uh I met this gal, not in the program, and she and I agreed that we were going to make raetball dates, except we weren't going to play raetball.

Uh no flowers, no dinners, no movies. We were just going to agree on times to get together and have at it. Uh no nice and neat, no emotional antag, you know.

Uh, and I this is this is how I'm going to handle my my sex life, you know. Uh, except it's not working for me. I've started buying porn again, engaging in masturbation and all kinds of fantasy.

Uh, affects my personal relations. It keeps me jealous of others and comparing myself to them and coveting what they have. Uh, I'm unwilling to share my pain about this.

I feel ashamed of myself uh ashamed of apart from indifferent and flawed. My unbalanced drive in this area makes me vulnerable to getting drunk. Compromising my principles will get me drunk.

And I know I know I don't have the power not to do this. Uh I was still at this time writing in the fourth column about my part. Uh, I think it was with this inventory that Don Don got a hold of me and said, uh, you don't have a part.

You you've made a mistake. And our our book talks about what we do is disregarding other people entirely. We resolutely look from our our own mistakes.

Uh, he said, you know, Mike, you may only have be 10% of the problem, but you own a 100% of that 10%. Uh just a little mental thing here. But when I'm talking about my part, that implies that you've got a part.

So I it's absolutely impossible that I've forgotten about you entirely. I have I can't have put you out of my mind. Uh if I'm I'm busy still trying to play God, I'm going to decide what's my part and what's your part and all this kind of stuff.

So we're just going to look at my mistake here. Well, I'm not willing to give this to God because I don't think he's interested or willing to help me out. I don't think I've got a God that doesn't care about my sex life, love life, relationships.

I'm uh I'm willing to sell out for relief. Uh I'm impatient. Uh I don't want miss right.

I want Miss right now. I'm not willing to take an honest look at what this fantasy relationship won't do for me. I'm pretended in my mind if I have if I get this right relationship that that's going to fix everything.

Everything will be okay. And I'm looking for somebody else to fill me up and make me feel safe and secure. And only God can do that.

Uh, so I uh immediately I immediately called Gary up. He was there in Indianapolis and read this to him over the phone. Uh, and then being who I am, if I do any work at all, I want to make sure I get the most out of it.

So, I start working my way west across the time zones and and Aurora, Colorado is the next stop uh with uh with Daddy. Uh and so I read with him we and we we talked about it and Don said he said, "Mike, are you willing to work with me on this?" And I said, 'I sure am.' He said, 'Well, okay. I want you to start saying this prayer in just this prayer and nothing else.

Uh, he said, the prayer is, God, please teach me about love. And okay. And they gave me a list of things I agreed to do on the spot.

Sort of. Uh this was uh I needed to I couldn't leave because Andrew was still there in the place. But to put the porn in the trunk right now and be willing to throw it away uh as soon as I had the opportunity next day, be willing to stop having that sex only relationship.

And by the way, not do it the way I used to do it by picking a fight with her or something like that. I needed to honestly go to her and tell her that there was nothing wrong with her, but I couldn't live this way. Uh, and I wasn't to cast any espersions on her at all.

Uh, I was to needed to get a solid first step in place on this. Uh, then I'm powerless and then uh this attempt to manage this part of my life has been a just a complete disaster. I needed to stop playing God.

Stop judging. See, I was judging myself really as being unworthy of happiness and putting myself down. And uh and I was also uh I was busy misusing 12step work.

I was I wasn't using 12step work to be helpful to others. I was doing it to make myself feel good. You know, now we'll get some byproduct of that, but there's a line when I cross it when I'm I'm not doing 12step work for the right reason.

uh now I understand that the other person may benefit no matter what my motives are but this gets destructive to me. In other words, it's another way for me to play God and try and manage my life. Uh I'm agree to ask God to help me because I'm frightened and I know that I can't even begin to do this on my own.

And then he said, "I know that you're embarrassed by all of this, but he says, "If if God gives you a solution to this, would you be willing to share it with others?" Uh, and of course, I said yes. I didn't think I'd have to pay off on that, but and I that's the time I also incidentally out of that I got to write my first the first it's not the current one but the first ideal for my he's he said you know if my God if if God would let you be who you'd want to be in a relationship what would that look like? Uh and he said it's not a description of your ideal partner, you know, uh uh not Pamela Anderson or something, but you know, this is this is who who you would God like God to uh let you be here.

And so the first little baby step here was this ideal. Uh I' I'd like to learn to be fully present in a long-term relationship that's not full of anger. I'd like to be le learn to be less self-centered and more us centered in my loving.

I'd like like to learn to see my partner's needs as an opportunity for me to give to the relationship instead of a fearfelt challenge to be either faced or avoided. Uh and uh not much but a start. Uh, I now am willing to be specific about what God, if you would do this, you know, this is this is what I'd like to to have you change me into.

Uh, and as I told you before, when I I've been told that when I don't do what I'm told and I don't get the right results that I can complain. And so couple weeks later, I I called Don up and I said, "Don, uh, you need to know I don't think much of your damn prayer." And he says, "Well, why is that, cowboy?" And and I says, "Well, since I started saying that prayer, the only woman that I was really interested in for a serious relationship got a job transfer and she's left town. And I went my doc went to my doctor and he gave me some blood pressure medication that made me impotent.

Uh and he he is as cruel as you are. He was laughing and he says oh well I he says you misunderstood the prayer. He says you you thought the prayer was God get me a woman didn't you?

and what the prayer was. He says the prayer is God please teach me about love. Uh and uh he said hang with me on this please please keep working.

And so I continued to do that and uh all of a sudden I uh I fell absolutely head over heels in love with my son. Uh he and his mother had always been closer than I'd been. We had a we had a good relationship, but it was there was just something different.

And all of a sudden, there was a barrier that went down and uh uh it's been sweet ever since. Uh, oddly enough, he doesn't talk to his mother these days. Uh, but he talks to me.

Uh, I got a gift maybe six months ago. Uh he he after a prom he stopped by his mother's house and with his date and she said, "I really love to watch you around Paulina. You treat her with such respect." And he says, "Well, Mom, Mike taught me how to do that.

That wasn't what I was looking for. And the next thing that happened, this took a little longer, but I I fell head over and heels in love again with my ex-wife. Uh, and it was love because I didn't want to marry her again.

Uh, and we were going to one of the first things we could do after the divorce was we were went to a PTA meeting together and she's in the program and I'd made amends and uh, so had she and we were riding along. In fact, I'm I've I've had a weird experience that probably most people have. I've had my ex ex-wife fifth step with me.

And we we've swapped fifth steps. Uh and if you want to experience ego reduction in depth, listen to your listen to your ex-wife's fists. I mean, what it was is, you know, I was I was stunned to find out how small a part I played in what was going on.

See, I've got a mind that puts me at center stage of everything. and I get to see the see the truth of what what's happening. But anyway, we're coming back from from this PTA meeting and I turned to her and I says, "You know, Lori," I says, "I guess the only real regret I've got left about our divorce is that it interrupted our friendship." And that beautiful woman turned to me with a great big smile and she says, "Oh, Mike, don't you understand?

It was the marriage that interrupted our friendship. Uh, and I had it. You know, we were two people that were absolutely suited to be each other's good friend, but we're alcoholics, so friends is good.

We got to have more. >> Uh, and all this divorce had done is put things back the way they'd been before. Uh, and that we were we could be really good friends again.

and we could cooperate around raising Andrew. I got to tell you, I really didn't want that divorce. And I uh and you know, I don't I I had all my good intentions marshaled, you know, that we need to keep the family intact.

We need to do all this good reasons for this. And I got to see my ex-wife remarried in 1996. Uh, and shortly thereafter, uh, she had a daughter with her new husband.

Uh, and I'm sitting there with little Sarah on my lap and I get to look at that child in the eyes and I get realize, you see, with my good intentions and everything else, if I'd had my way, this child wouldn't be here. You know, I didn't have bad intent in intentions. They just weren't what it worked out to be the best.

And what a lesson because I I get I get to know that when I'm in that pain and confusion, it's because I'm only seeing part of the story. I couldn't see Sarah from where I was in my pain. I could only feel my own own fear in my loneliness.

what's going to happen to me if this marriage ends? And then what's really going to happen is really, you know, what I'm really afraid is everybody's going to know that I've failed at the one of the the most important thing I've ever tried to do in my life and I've failed. That's that's what the bottom line is.

There's my ego. And uh so I get to find out that being wrong isn't such a bad deal. uh when I can be wrong and I can let go of something uh miracles really do happen.

Uh so that uh and that's interesting because about two weeks ago uh I stood in front of the folks at my mother's funeral and not many of them were alcoholic. Uh but I get to stand up there and say, you know, years ago, a man gave me a prayer. God, please teach me about love.

Uh and I realized today standing here in front of my mother's casket that my mother spent her lifetime doing that. My mom loved me like a rainbow and she loved you all that same way. and uh we got to talk about that and uh who knew that that started from that little prayer.

Uh so we don't know I don't I don't I some of the most stuff that's that had the most significant impact on my life was the stuff that I thought was tossway stuff at the beginning. Eh, you know that sounds nice but that's not really practical. And one of my old ideas was that somehow spiritual life and spiritual living wasn't practical living.

And I found out that as usual, I'm wrong. One of the real tests of spiritual principles is whether they work or not. Because I was told that no matter how good something sounds, how holy it sounds, how however it sounds, if it doesn't work out on the street, it isn't spiritual.

You know, so the spiritual life in essence is just backwards of what I thought. Spiritual life is the most practical common sense life in the world. And I get to live there thanks to you.

Here's a little deal around business. Uh uh, dear God, please carry me past my fear and anger into the truth. Who do I resent?

I resent Charlie. He's trained trying to cheat me out of my compensation on a business deal. Uh, what's it affect?

It affects my financial security. I I want my earnings to pay bills and and taxes. Uh I might not get future business to do due to this dispute with Charlie.

Uh my personal relations are affected. Charlie should be grateful for all the handholding and guidance I've given to him. Uh my self-esteem, PN's ego, is affected.

Charlie should acknowledge the great job I did. My ambitions are affected both by the lack of future opportunities through Charlie and by damage to my reputation by Charlie bitching to others. And here we go down that column four.

My mistake. Well, I I knew that Charlie was flaky and had poor inadequate skills from the start. >> >> Charlie Charlie used to do brokerage through our office and I I mean he was the guy that bringing he never had any paperwork filled out or if he did it was filled out wrong.

It was you know he's just a walking disaster and I know this upfront but I decide to essentially go into business with him but I became involved anyway. I egotistedly wanted to put together this tough business case and show him that I could do what he couldn't. Charlie had an in in a local corporation.

He knew a couple of the major shareholders and he could get me in the door there and I couldn't get in the door on my own. So that's I'm wanting to use Charlie. At the same time, I want to show him that he may be able to get me in, but I can by God do what he can't do here.

I foolishly invested way too much of my time in doing this so that my compensation became more and more important to me. The more time I invested, the more I needed to get paid. And I assumed that he would see my contribution the same way I did.

And that our split on the compensation wouldn't be an issue. Uh I uh many of my actions made my disdain for uh him clear. Uh I I disrespected him in front of the clients.

We would go into meetings with the directors of this corporation and I on the way in I'd tell look just take a seat back along the wall and let me do all the talking. You know if they ask you a question just pass it back to me. Don't say anything.

Well, he's a human being and has an ego, and being told essentially to shut up and be a statue is is no way to treat somebody. Uh, so I get to see one more time that my troubles really are of my own making. Nobody put this mess together but me.

And I made it I made it worse by why why wouldn't he figure that he ought to have had more money out of this deal after he had to put up with my dissing him uh through all of this stuff. And so I get to go to Charlie and make amends. And Charlie and I don't do business today, but I can run into Charlie on the street and it's okay.

And I can run into Charlie with clients and it's okay in one thing and another. Uh but the see this this inventory is uh just a very practical quick clean way to clean the house and get this stuff out of my life. Uh and uh I uh fortunately the progress here is I didn't have to I think I spent about a day and a half trying to rationalize uh things with Charlie and and you know considering whether I was going to sue him and all that kind of stuff.

Uh the other uh little form of inventory here that I want to suggest to you was was one that I started doing a number of years ago at Clint's suggestion. Uh we were together at a conference and I was talking to him about some stuff and he uh he gave me the suggestion for what I call my my little Post-it note inventory. And what I what I do is uh at his suggestion in the morning, I sit down and take a couple minutes and he said, "Just just write out the four or five things you're not going to be willing to do today in order to have a better relationship with God." I said, "Well, Clint, how about all the things I'm willing to do?" He says, "Oh, those won't cause you any trouble." Aha.

So when I here here here's one that I happen to have with me a little post-it note here and uh prayer God plea plea God please turn my heart away from self and towards your will. Uh number one thing on this morning that I was not willing to do was just be average. You know I'm willing to be the best you've ever seen or the worst you've ever seen, but I don't want to be a team player.

I don't want to just be one of the guys. Uh, I've got a mind. The next thing was I I I I want to insist on predicting the future.

Uh, I know if I do this, you're going to do this, and I'll say this, and you'll say that, and everything else, and I I know what's going to happen. And don't try and tell me anything else because I know. I think I can read other people's minds.

You know, I can look at you and I know exactly what you're thinking. not, you know, uh I have a hard time believing that the rules all apply to me. And then finally, uh I insist on living a life of distraction.

Now, what that looks like for me is that, you know, I I've at various times I get in trouble with very piece various pieces of that. Uh, I've uh fired up my uh car and and run over the mall and I'll I'll I'll do a bunch of shop power shopping and and I'll I'll spend some money I don't have. I went through a period where I uh I was way upside down in a bunch of credit card debt from doing that.

Uh I got that paid off and taken care of. Uh there was an interesting thing that happened to me on the way to way to doing that one day. As a matter of fact, uh that was a spiritual awakening all in itself.

I my office at that time was just kind of across the street from uh our city's upscale mall. And so I decided to run out and do a little quick shopping on on my lunch hour. and I jumped in the car and uh just as I got to that intersection to cross the street there uh the light was sort of changing.

It was kind of pink and I I I just floored it and shot through the intersection and this this jerk in this green minivan honks at me and I don't remember if I flipped him off or not. I could have uh but anyway, I'm in there and I'm driving around trying to find a place to park and I look in my rearview mirror and I got a green minivan on my bumper. And so I find eventually find a place to park.

Uh and I I know I'm remember I can read minds and predict the future. So I I know what's going to happen here. I'm out of my car in a flash.

That guy is not going to catch me sitting down in my seat. Uh, so I'm I'm out of I'm out of the car and I'm ready for trouble and he comes around the end of that minivan and I'm I'm I'm winding up. He's he's not going to he's not going to get the jump on me.

And then he says, "Mister, would you mind stepping over here and explaining to my daughter why you're getting that parking place 60 seconds sooner than you would have otherwise was worth risking her life? just all the air went out. I get to see myself for who I really am.

You know, if you ask me, am I willing to risk a kid's life in order to get a parking place? Of course, I'm not. But see, I'm blind and I'm wrapped up in self-centeredness.

It's all about me getting to the mall and everything else. And so I'm spiritually blind and I don't get it. Uh, and so much of this stuff, it's not about me finding answers in life.

It's about me working my way to where I get the right question in life. If I can, you can give me the right question, I'll I'll come up with the answers. You are you going to risk a kid's life in order to get a parking place?

Of course not. distraction. You know, I can uh I can uh I can be busy various times.

We talked about it. I sober. I can I can be busy chasing somebody else's wife.

So, I can uh there's a lot of tension and excitement in that. Uh that's that's distraction. Uh, I can uh well, the the most frequent one today is I' I've got somehow I've got a mind that tells me it's okay to drive 80 miles an hour in the 55 zone around our beltway.

And what that means is that I can I can spend my time looking in the rear view mirror to see where the unmarked cars coming out of out of out from under the underpass or not. And you know, I I missed the whole trip. I don't know where I am.

Uh I uh that reminds me of of an experience I had with my first sponsor. Neil and I were riding around. I don't know why he got in that death trap of a car with me, but Neil was in my car and we were going out to to lunch and I uh I got we were on the freeway and and I got cut off by this jerk driving a blue Ford Escort, one of these little crap cars, and just cut me off.

>> >> It may be old and rusted, but I got myself a 280Z by God. And so I'm I'm just I'm just dogging this guy. And uh I mean, I can't see anything else.

I'm on his bumper and by God, he's going to pay. Uh, and eventually I I returned to sanity here and I back off the gas and slow down and everything else and I uh realized that I'd driven two ex's past where we were going to supposed to get off and Neil looked at me with that big Santa Claus grin of his and he says, "Well, Mike, I don't know why you've got so much trouble with the third step. I just watched you turn your will and your life over to a guy driving a blue core Ford Escort.

I get all this stuff happening to me and I I'm just clueless. I I I thought I thought I was the guy with the power there. So, let's uh give the smokers a break here and come back 10 or 15 minutes and and we'll talk about some fear.

This looks like the bunch we're going to have here. So, why don't we get started here? I uh I noticed the group conscience is evolving here.

It's evolved from 10 minutes to about 20 minutes here. It seems to be directly proportional to the amount of sunshine outside here that >> yeah we're uh it's funny how that sometimes we just get that little rapier like thrust that that exposes the truth. I I remember whining to Don one time and said, "Don, I don't think God's going to work for me." And he looked at me with a little funny expression and he says, "Well, Mike, why should he see?" And right there, all of a sudden, I had a flashing light.

You know what? What in the world was wrong? See, I had it figured out that God was supposed to work for me.

He says, ' That's probably not the relationship that's going to happen here. Uh, I'm probably not the employer and God's probably not the employee. So, uh, talking about fear, it's, uh, sometime, you know, I write more and more fear inventory today and less and less resentment inventory because quickly realize that, uh, I don't resent anybody I'm not afraid of.

I just don't uh and so if I'm I still when I write in resentment inventory I try and pick the fears out of there and then we take it into fear inventory or sometimes it's a fear that just directly crops up. I uh uh this little piece here I realized it was before the I I was the first one of these that I was ever asked to do out of town was in Santa Barbara and I realized as the time approached for that uh that I was really getting frightened and couldn't figure out what all that was about. And it occurred to me, I finally got down.

Well, I'm I'm afraid afraid to get on the airplane and fly out there. And so, again, post-it note saved the day. Uh, it did in the big book.

But why? I asked myself, well, why am I afraid of flying? Well, I'll be out of control.

I'm going to have to wait in that aluminum tube in terror till I hit the ground and die. Uh, and why do I have why do I have this fear? Uh, I've got it.

I found a a childish old idea. I I found the old idea that that somehow my fear was going to protect me. Uh, uh, kids believe that, you know, and that meant when the the monster was under the bed, my fear protected me and kept me in the center of the bed.

But I'm adult now. Uh what I have it because I'm not trusting God. Obviously, I believe that I uh I deserve to be punished for my wrongs and I've got a God that's going to punish me in that way and that I deserve to die a horrible painful death.

you know, you know, I uh so I got to I got to look at that piece of fear and then I the next set of questions was, you know, well, have I always been afraid of flying? The answer is heck no. I uh I used to love to fly.

Uh and I uh then I asked myself, well, when did I become afraid of flying? Uh and all of a sudden I knew exactly. I can tell you that it was before I got on United Airlines contract flight U2B4.

I still remember the numbers. Uh coming home from Vietnam, not going but coming home. Uh, and during that tour there, I've been on five different choppers that had gone down for various reasons.

Couple because they'd been hit by fire, but the rest were for various maintenance problems. Uh, and I'd happily got on the next chopper every time and and just went on. Uh, but when I'm on this great I'm I'm getting on this uh fact that that DC8's parked in the desert someplace, it's still got my palm prints on the armrest there.

Uh, I'm I'm terrified. I've been through all this kind, but I'm terrified to get on this civilian airliner. And I could Why in the world would that be?

And then it remembered. See, I'd always kind of barely related to Bill's story. And all of a sudden, I I came to my mind, Bill's story.

Bill talks about going to Winchester Cathedral before he went over to France in World War II and talk about uh needing and wanting God and God came to him. Uh and you know in my own crude way when I went to Vietnam I know I'm an infantry grunt and I'm going to Vietnam and no matter how think I good I think I am at my skills here my survival is completely out of my hands. Uh, I just it's yeah, you got to practice some common sense here and and so forth, but it's really not in my hands whether I make it out of this deal or not.

And so, in my own crude way, when I went there and entered that combat period, I turned my will and my life over the care of God, whether I understood it that way or not. Uh, and what happened was when I survived all that combat and I'm ready to go home, in the back of my mind, the little man said, "Well, thank you very much, God. I'll take it from here." And right at that moment, I began to manage my life.

I had fear. And so, you know, the inventory taught me something. Now, one of the marvelous things is that I've discovered is there's no better recycler in the world than God.

God will take the trash that I produce trying to live my life my way with good motives even, and he'll recycle it into something useful for somebody else if I'll just let him do that. And one of the things I found out from this little piece of inventory, I was uh at a gathering uh sort of like this once and uh I uh somehow on out of order on almost near the beginning on Friday night, I I happened to mention this and I looked over and the guy that was doing the taping had tears running down his cheeks and you know it's all about me. So, I'm going again.

Am I that bad that he's the taper's crying? I mean, that's uh because this didn't seem like sad stuff. uh and uh got through the session and went on the break and coming back from the break, the grab guy grabbed me coming back and he said, "Uh, Mike, uh, you would have no way to know this, but uh, I've got a son that's dying in a town far away from here.

Uh, and I haven't gone to see him because I'm afraid to fly." Uh, and I just called my wife on the break and told her to buy us some tickets. We're going to see our boy. Yeah.

See, so if I clean up my little mess, if I submit myself to this pro process, uh, that's the kind of world I get to live in. Uh, I've always got the choice at any given time. Am I going to live in my world or am I going to live in God's world?

My world, God's world. If I live in my world, I get the consequences of living there. And if I live in God's world, I get the consequences of living there.

Uh what's my choice to be? And that's that's why it's so important for me to pay attention to my my experience because I don't know who or what or how anything's going to touch anybody else. But I do know it it's our way of living has its advantages for all.

And I thought in the beginning because of my ego that that meant that everybody out there ought to live the way I live and then we'd all be better off. And I got taken back into it and says, "No, Mike, when you live this way of life, we're all better off." And so when I when I live this way, uh I get to make my contribution. I uh more practical matter here.

This little piece of fear inventory uh I entitled office drama. Dear father, please take away my fear and direct my attention to your solution. My first fear Dave my partner is going to demand a change in our offing office sharing arrangement.

Why do I have this fear? Well, I've let my business relationship with great Dave drift along. I haven't been willing to force the definition of the relationship because I fear more responsibility either in terms of production target targets or cash contribution.

The vagueness seemed to suit my purpose the better way. Trust God and humbly seek his help. I need to honestly look at Dave's side of things and remember that he has fears too.

I need to be willing to be specific as to duties and responsibilities. Fear under that I'm going to be harmed by an acrimonious breakup. I've seen some of Dave's behavior toward previous partners.

He's done petty things like not forwarding the mail or or uh forwarding phone calls. Uh I have to trust God and humbly seek his help. I must strive to treat Dave fairly, treat him the way I want to be treated.

I'm afraid of possible financial disputes ra ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar r ar rising out of years of unreconciled expenses. My willingness for for an accounting varied with whether I thought I was ahead or behind. Imagine that.

Again, the vagueness seemed to suit my purpose. I have to trust God and participate in an honest and fair accounting with Dave. My income's going to be harmed.

Oh, now we're getting closer to home here. It appears that no matter what the re resolution may be that my expenses will increase. I'll have to pay pay Dave, buy equipment of my own or partner with somebody else.

Uh whatever the cost that entails. Again, trust God. Uh my income doesn't need to be harmed in the long run provided I become more productive.

Oh, here's the I'm going to be forced to change the way I do business. You see me drilling down here. The next the fear, the fear, the fear beneath the fear.

While I serve my clients well, I do it on my terms and in my time. I spend virtually all my time on the care and feeding of current clients and very little on prospecting for new ones. Again, I must be willing to embrace change in order to outgrow fear.

And then we go the fear behind that one. I don't know how to change the way I do business. You know, I've never been in a business that required me to be successful at prospecting.

I've never had any kind of mentor in this area. Dave is as lost as I am and can't teach me anything here. Again, I must acknowledge my shortcomings and be willing to ask for help and accept it.

I need a business sponsor. You know, now we get down. Here's what the real fear is.

I'm going to fail and be humiliated. I've got this fear because I'm not trusting God. I'm trying to manage a relationship with another alcoholic.

Both of us suffer from the disease of extreme self-centerness and trying to manage this is insane. I must have God's help. And the answer is trust God and humbly seek his help.

God loves me and wants my happiness even more than I do myself. He allows He doesn't cause me to fail. He allows me to fail so that I can learn, not as a punishment.

I need to focus on God's agenda, not my own. Uh, and uh, that got set aside. Uh, those problems got resolved.

And here's one I'd rather not read you, but I I will anyway. Uh, this is called Palm Springs Trauma. And the background on this was a number of years ago uh I got uh asked to be a banquet speaker at this shindig for 2,000 people in Palm Springs.

Uh and I was actually filling in for the real banquet speaker uh who would have been Don but he was ill at the time. And uh anyway, as the time for this conference approached, uh I went to went to one of our local speaker meetings and a guy I I've known for years and really like in the program uh spoke that night and I came out of there just muttering to myself, gosh, this guy did a horrible job. Has he lost his mind?

You know, just all about him and in this rotten job he did. And I get about three blocks from the church and I'm going, "Wait a minute. You know, this isn't about him.

This is about me. I'm scared." And that's that's where I'm kicking up all this dust. So, I got home and I sat down and and and wrote about my fears here.

My my first fear is that I'm I'm going to give a boring talk in Palm Springs. Well, why do I have this fear? Well, I'm full of pride, ego, and self-centerness.

I want to impress people rather than to truly be of help and service. I want to show them how good I am rather than how great God and aa are. Uh the better way here I trust God.

I must turn to God and give the talk he wants me to give. Well, the next fear under that was I'll go blank and forget everything I know. Well, I've got this fear because I'm I'm I'm managing my life and I'm not trusting God.

The answer, trust God, of course. and let him clear my mind of the of self-s serving thinking so I can speak the truth. Uh, and I I know I'm doing that when I before I do something like that or something like this where I when I say that prayer sincerely, God, just reformat the hard drive.

Wipe me clean and and put your message there. Uh, not my agenda. Uh the next fear is I'm going to be I'm going to be an embarrassment to the people who recommended me.

Well, I got this because I not only want to manage my life, I want to manage the feelings of others. And I'm not doing this for their benefit. I'm doing it for my benefit, my comfort.

Trust God. I remember that I'm doing this to be a service. Well, here we go.

Next. I don't really belong with this in crowd and I'm not who and what they think I am. Uh I've got this because I'm busy reading minds again.

Once again, I'm more concerned with being what I fancy others think I should be than whether what God wants me to be. I'm trying to fit myself into your picture frame instead of God's vision for me. The answer here is to trust God.

The truth is that I've always received an abundance of love. For the St. Francis prayer, I must to seek to love rather than to be loved.

And then you think after all of that, I just couldn't believe when this popped out here. The next fear is I'm never going to be asked to do this again. Oh boy.

Well, I said it wasn't pretty. I I got this fear because I want to play God and I want to decide how I'm going to serve God. I'd be willing to take the place, Here's a nasty secret.

I'd be willing to take the place of somebody who could better carry the message uh just to serve my own selfish ends and feed my ego. Uh trust God. And then it came to me perhaps I can serve God even as a fool.

In any case, it is for God to determine how I will serve him. I only get to decide if I will be of service, not how I will be of service. And then finally, this little gem.

People will praise me. I know of kindness and pity. Doesn't it make you sad?

I got this fear because I'm acting from self-interest rather than out of a sincere desire to serve God and others. Who in the hell am I to judge the kindness of other and reject it? I mean, let get let's get a grip.

Just who in the heck do I think I am? Wow. I will always suffer when I turn to sources other than God for my sense of worth and well-being.

And you know, I was one of the great stuff about this is is I get to I turn the page over and I go through that little exercise I told you about last night. You know, I get to Okay, some some guy I sponsored read this inventory to me. You know, what does this guy that read this inventory, what what's his relationship with God like?

What's he what does he believe? Apparently, uh, and I get to look at this. God's waiting to get me.

God doesn't care about my happiness. And God's God would like to make a fool out of me. I get to ask myself because that's that's what the guy that wrote this inventory believes, right?

I get to ask myself, is that true? See, it's the question that's important. Is that what I really believe?

Is that the God that I want to have in my life? You know, uh they told me a long time ago, uh and I didn't understand it when they told me, but you know, Mike, if you want a better life, you better get a better God. Because the fact is, if God is the way you think he is and people are the way that you're sure they are, you're screwed.

There's no hope for you. So, you got a choice. You can either try to swim with your both arms wrapped around that anchor or you can let go and get a different God.

And uh you know at this time it was uh what I truly believed was God doesn't think comparatively. Uh I'm a child of God and he loves me absolutely and unconditionally. Uh God won't make a fool of me but I can make a fool of myself by trying to be what I'm not.

Uh God wants my happiness, not pleasure even more than I do. Uh and so that's the deal. What I start out with an inventory about a about a little rotten fear about a speaker that I thought was antagonize me.

And what I get the gold out of this is I get to have my relationship with God straightened out and put on a so a footing. This is this is how God and I spend time with each other and get to know each other. want to know how to develop a relationship with God.

Well, you know, the same way that if I wanted to get a develop a relationship with either you or or Bob and I coming up here, we talked about real stuff. We didn't talk about how much money we made on the way up here and this great deal or that great deal or what kind of cars we were going to buy. We were talking from to each other from the heart.

and Bob and I have got the beginnings of a relationship and hopefully we'll over time as time passes we'll talk to each other more and we'll have a deeper relationship. Well, if I want to have a relationship with God, duh. You know, this this is how I have that relationship.

uh you know how would you can you imagine trying to have a relationship maybe you have with somebody who uh just uh came into your office and said uh I want you to do this this and this and this uh I want you to make it raiding toads on them. I want you to kill them and uh by the way make her go away and uh then they just turned around walked out of your office and so forth. Well that's what a lot of my praying looked like.

There's no relationship in that. Yeah, prayer is part of it. But in in order to be in a in a dialogue with God, I it comprises speaking and listening, you know, uh and uh there's real intimacy in that into me.

See, I am going to let you see into me. God, I'm going to I'm going to sit here and with my pen, I'm going to tell you the secrets of my heart. when I'm afraid of what I when I'm afraid of any other people knowing and I'm going to let you see that uh and on that basis we're starting to have a relationship and it gets deeper and just like the friend uh over time we're going to trust each other more God doesn't need to learn to trust me but I need to learn to trust him but this is this is so much more than just writing about stuff and that's why this inventory is not a hassle it's a very loving tool tool if we'll use it that way.

Uh it's not just about confession of stuff. It's about an opportunity for us to have a develop a relationship. I uh started out last night reading that in inventory about my sexual conduct with my fiance.

And I made mention that the the questions that were given and there are very effective questions for other kinds of relationships. Uh and so some years ago uh my uh my mother went into a care center for Alzheimer's disease in 1997 November and she went in uh to a center that was near my old hometown uh simply because the the conditions and the staffs and everything else were better with uh uh a bunch of people uh Iowa farm and stuff that sta staffed the nursing home that was close there than uh what we could find in the big cities. Uh matter of fact, the people that owned this facility had some of their own relatives in residence there.

So, she got very special care there. And I have two brothers that still live close to her. And my sister lives in St.

Louis. And I live about where I live, you can't really fly from here to there because uh and it's about a six-hour drive. So I noticed that things weren't right in my heart with between with my mother here.

So I needed to write here. And I used the questions from that sexual conduct inventory. Father, please set aside my prejudice so I can see the truth.

This is mother. I have selfishly avoid my mother avoided my mother as her Alzheimer's has progressed. I've called infrequently and done minimal visiting.

I've dishonestly assumed that her condition prevents her from realizing what my behavior is. That I can just show up from time to time and she won't know the difference. I've inconsiderately let my brothers and sister do most of the heavy lifting.

I've only done what they've specifically asked me to do and given support to them. I haven't gone the extra mile. Uh I've emotionally b abandoned mom for my own comfort and to envoy the feelings of powerlessness, grief, and fear her condition causes in me.

I mentally deal with her as she used to be, not as she is. When I allow myself to reflect on this, it's as if I've buried her alive. I need to honestly face my emotions about her conditions.

I I must stop playing God. She's alive and I must maintain a relationship with her as if she's fully cognizant because she may be from time to time and I don't know which times those will be. Uh, and so thanks to this, I got instead of standing in her grave two weeks ago with a heart full of regret, I got to change my actions.

Uh, as a matter of fact, the last time I saw her, you know, uh, I didn't know for sure at the time, but I was sitting face to face with her and, uh, she kind of smiled and I looked at her and she's she's looking at me and studying my face because I I went from being her son Mike to that nice young man who visits from Indianapolis to she didn't really know, at least not all of the time and uh she uh she was studying my face and I I did this deal toward my eyes, you know, like from the here. I said, "Do you see these, Mom?" I says, "Do you know where I got these?" And they're her blue eyes. And she all of a sudden broke into a big smile.

And I spent the rest of the time with her. And I was driving back and I got a call on my mobile and it was my sister and she said, "After you left, mom said your name twice." See, I used to say my mom suffered from Al Alzheimer's and that wasn't the truth. I suffered from it.

My uh the truth was my mother got the best care I could imagine in that place she was she was their favorite resident uh because she was always their happiest resident. And I all of a sudden realized that living in a condition that she deeply feared to be in that she was happy because she was living 100% of her time in the present. She wasn't pissed off about anything that happened in the past and she wasn't even worried what she was going to have for dinner.

She was right here right now. She's where all the gurus tell us to want to be be here now. Mom was spiritually perfect and she was here now.

And that the problem was mine, not hers. And so I got to see the truth and I got changed. Uh let's uh let's take a break and uh lunch is going to be in a couple of minutes and why don't we if we can get back here as close to one as we can we can get the next session in and then set you all free for the springs or the golf course or all all those that were only casually affected are are off doing other pursuits out.

But uh we'll uh >> we'll try and get this wrapped up and set you free for the rest of the afternoon here. >> Okay. Boy, you just sleep quietly, Tom.

There. >> >> I had some questions and uh I realized that I I omitted telling you uh about what back home we call the bridge. Uh and the bridge for us is simply those series of actions that we take uh after we've written the third column and we're trying to make our way to the fourth column from how I'm affected over to my mistake here.

And so we'll sketch that in here. Uh down toward the bottom of page 66. It it gives me the outline for this.

Says, uh I'm going to turn back to the list for it holds the key to my future. Okay, you got my attention. Now I'm prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle.

I begin to see that the world and its people really dominated me. In that state, the wrongdoing of others, fancied or real, had the power to actually kill. How can I escape?

I saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? I can't wish them away any more than alcohol. I don't know if any of you like me tried to wish resentments away.

Uh I uh you know, I used to go, "Oh, I forgive you. It's no big deal. I forgive you." And it was a big deal and I didn't forgive you.

Uh, and finally it was an Alanon that set me free on this. She said, 'You know, Mike, if I can't tell you no, saying yes to you is meaningless. And I found out until I until I got down and I was willing to touch and feel and write about and experience the anger I had toward you, my forgiveness was You know, I was it was just some kind of a deal I did to make myself feel temporarily better.

And it wasn't real forgiveness cuz I was right back in the same place sooner or later. Uh so I had not I don't get to spew that on you, but I need to get it on paper and understand just how angry with you I am. And then I get to see how frightened I am.

Uh which is the real bottom line here. Uh and what I come to see here in that third column, what's it affected? my my finances, my sexual sex sex life, my security, all this kind of stuff.

What I see all of a sudden up to then, I mean, I'm resenting you and I've got the notion in my mind that you're paying a bill and you're suffering because I resent you. And I start to get carried into the truth. And the truth is the loss of security, the financial insecurity, all this stuff here, my sex life degraded, all this kind of stuff.

That's the price I'm paying to have this. You know, I now now once I get it that this is costing me and this is a bill I'm going to have to pay. I am now willing I am now willing to have a look at this from a different angle.

Uh and I can't do this on my own. So they give me a series of prayers here where my l my heart gets turned in literally in a different direction. And I start to see once again that my troubles truly are of my own making.

Here tells me this is my course. I realize that the people who had wronged me were perhaps spiritually sick. Am I willing to concede that they might be spiritually sick?

Uh though I don't like their symptoms and the way they disturbed me, that's what they did to me. They like myself are sick too. Okay.

So now we're just two patients sharing a room. Uh, it's changed. Uh, and it tells me I asked God to show me because I can't do it myself.

Help me show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that I carefully grant a sick friend. When a person offends me, I say to myself, not to them, to myself, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him?

God, save me from being angry. Thy will done be done. All little prayers.

And and it tells me what to do. It says, I avoid retaliation or argument. I wouldn't treat a sick person that way.

Uh I go to see a friend in the hospital and he's dying from lung can from lung cancer. Do I rage at him what a dumbass he was for smoking for 30 years? Of course not.

Of course not. So why am I treating the spiritually sick person that way? Only because I can't.

I'm too blind to their disease. My disease blind blinds me to their spiritual sickness. So I'm asking God to lift the veil so I can see what's really going on here.

I can't be helpful all people. You know, we all know that. But at least here's the minimum bottom line.

that at least God will show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and everyone. Each and everyone. And they show pointed out to me tolerance and kindness are two different things.

I can tolerate you without being kind to you. Uh and if we're sick, we desperately need kindness. So now I'm ready.

This is to turn back the list. Refer turning back the list. putting out of my mind, not looking for my part, but putting out of my mind the wrongs others done.

I resolutely looked for my own mistake. Where had I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened, though a situation had been not entirely my fault, I tried to disregard the other person entirely. That's like completely.

So when we have that fifth step experience, the my literal experience is the the more I'm able to share some material, the freer I get. Uh most of that stuff I I read here earlier on was stuff that was, you know, whispered. The first time it was read, it was something I whispered in somebody's ears and I and I I was half hoping they didn't hear it all, you know, and I get set free so I can sit sit in front of a room full of people and share that.

Uh because the promise of that work was fulfilled for me. I got to face it and be rid of it. That's not who I am anymore.

That's a report about who I used to be. Now I can become that person again. Uh but today I'm not.

And so I can I can hold my head high and share that with you. Uh because that's I don't h I know I don't with God's help I don't have to repeat that behavior. And we get a marvelous set of promises uh with this fifth step here.

It says once we've taken this step withholding nothing by the way we are delighted. I can look the world in the eye. I don't know.

I looked at my shoe tops for a long time. Uh, one of the toughest things I ever had to do was be sober around here and look other people in the eye. Uh, and people don't like financial planners who won't look them in the eye.

I don't know why something about their money. >> I can be alone at perfect peace and ease. I always had to have something going on.

You know, I could never just be alone and let it be quiet. My fears fall from me. I begin to feel feel the nearness of my creator.

I may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now I'm beginning to have a spiritual experience. And the experience is that relationship is getting built. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.

We feel that we're on the broad highway walking hand inand with the spirit of the universe. That's a sweet set of promises. Uh and sometimes with guys I work with, they, you know, they call me back in two hours and they're panic.

I don't feel that way yet. you know this is let's just wait and see what happens over the next week. Let's give this a chance and uh inevitably we can sit down and and find where these things are appearing with them or not.

Uh because uh they're talking about then we go back into well did we withhold something you know and that's a well I didn't think it'd matter. Yeah I see I'm not alone here. So they give me some a very simple set of instructions that my head wanted to complicate here says but just tells me to go back home and find a place where I can be quiet for an hour.

Now I got to tell you when I first did this I took an alcoholic hours that was 35 to 45 minutes. You know that was the alcoholic hour here and I carefully review what I've done. Uh and I didn't know how to do that in the beginning.

Uh but I I finally occurred to me that I could ask somebody to show me how to do that. How do I do a careful review of what I've done? And I then I thank God from the bottom of my heart that I know him better.

And uh that's a marvelous deal. See, because as I disclo who I am is disclosed to me, I know God better. As I know myself better, I know God better.

Uh and that's no accident here. If I want to know God better, I got to I walk in here and I get to get to know him better. Taking this book down from the shelf, I turn to the page which contains the 12 steps.

Carefully reading the first five proposals, I ask myself if I've admitted anything. Did I Did I shortcut on this deal? Did I just kind of try and wiggle through?

Uh because I'm building an arch through which I'll walk a free man at last. Uh you know, it's kind of the image I use is look what we're doing is we're packing a parachute here. And guess who's going to get to jump it.

So I I better I better I want to give this the same attention I'm going to give packing a parachute that I'm going to have to go out of an airplane with. You know, maybe have a different image for you based on your experience. Carefully reading the first five proposals, I look and see if I've admitted anything from omitted anything from building an arch through which I walk shall walk a free man.

Is my work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have I skimped on the cement put into the foundation?

Have we tried to make mortar without saying? And uh I'm basically looking at did I do a halfass job? you know, did I just slap some paint on it and in uh like one of those school projects and hope to just kind of slide through with it?

You know, after spend my hour in reflection here, one of the things I really tell the guys I work with is don't screw yourself. Don't cheat yourself. Go spend an hour.

You've you've done good work up till now. you you've really put some effort into this. This may not look like much to you, but I'm telling you, it is uh it had it's like making a cake and putting in the oven.

Decide you're going to put up pull it out 15 minutes early. You aren't going to get the cake you would if you left it in there an hour. Don't shaft yourself.

If I can answer these questions to my satisfaction, I then look at step six. says, "We've emphasized willingness as being indispensable." Now, indispensable is something you can't do without. Right?

And indispensable is also something that can't be dispensed. It can't be given away. Nobody else can give me willingness.

You can't dispense it to me. So, two ways to consider that uh is vital here. Am I now willing to let God remove from me all the things which I have admitted are objectionable?

That's what that inventory was about. Here's the stuff that's objectionable to me. Can he take them?

Can he now take them all? Everyone. And if I still cling to something and won't let go, I asked God help me to help me be willing.

Uh, and they told me, Mike, what you're going to do is you're going to pray for willingness, not wait for willingness. Uh, one of my old scams from my junior guru days was that if you ask me where I was in the steps, somebody be sharpened. Well, Mike, where are you in the Oh, I'm I'm on step six.

I'm becoming entirely ready, you know. And I was what I The truth was I was out there circling the dream, you know. Uh, I like that step six because it sounded like I was just a little more than halfway.

Uh, so I'd made some effort and some good progress, but it was it sounded legitimate to be waiting to be he sounded kind of spiritual in a matter of fact, you know, that I'm I'm just kind of waiting for God to make me entirely ready, you know, to go on here. Uh, but say we don't we don't sit on any of this stuff. We're going to pray for the willingness, not wait for the will.

We're going to pray, say the prayer, and move on is what we're going to do. And uh you know, Don pointed out to me that he says, you know, if you look at this sevenstep prayer, he says it's really just the third step prayer with some teeth in it. Now we're now the language becomes a little more binding for the word mechanics here.

Um, and I'm talking about real surrender here. My creator, I'm now willing that you should have all of me. The good and the bad.

I'm giving up my judgment. This is good. This is bad.

You can have this. You can't have this. That's all done with.

Here you are. The good and the bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my useless to you and to my fellows.

Not the ones that are troubling me. Not the ones that are making me feel bad. Not the ones that will improve my image.

No. Uh I'm I'm giving all that up. You take what you want.

Grant me strength to go out here from here to do your bidding. And here we have the amen. Uh now, Father Larry that's in our home group, I think has one of the best images that I've ever come across for this sevenst step.

Uh, and the way the way Larry puts it, he says, you know, if God were to come by and see me and I had a had one of these Quitman samplers of chocolates and God came to the door and came in and and I was going to offer God a piece of candy, would I hold out the box and let him pick the one he wants or would I hold the box behind my back and just pick one out and hand it to him, you know? So, here I am. It's all yours.

You pick right here. Where I what I'm doing here is I'm I'm giving spiritual consent. Uh what I uh the surrender the same when I was on that gurnie at at 5:00 in the morning and and they came by with a consent form and said, you know, Mr.

ends here. Here's all that we're going to do this surgery on you and we may do it this way and we may do it that way and even and we may even decide to do it some other way and uh so on so forth and here are a whole list of possible bad side effects and everything else. Uh do you consent to this surgery?

I get to either consent or not consent. I get don't get to do my own surgery, you know. I didn't get to fix myself.

I get what I do is I give spiritual consent. Okay, thy will be done. You can perform the surgery and you'll do it the way you do it.

You know, and that's the deal here. Uh real surrender and real peace. Uh I uh go ahead.

>> You just explain it one more time and then I bought that six and seven step for years and I come to find out when I said we are entirely ready. What makes this what makes me entirely ready to do give up? I come to find out this deal what makes me entirely ready is I've done the first five steps.

>> So when I finally get to six I'm ready now I still like the way I still get results in but I wasn't me that just made so much sense and then I could go on and give my consent. Okay guys, here we go. >> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> Yeah. Very good.

Well, you know, isn't it amazing what I will do even at this point to try on hold on to some illusion of control? >> You know, I'm you know, I'm sitting here. I'm laying on the green.

I've got a head that's still trying to negotiate. You know, I mean, hello. I just, you know, I mean, don't you think God's got to be awfully amused at this watch?

I I mean, watching the little man on the gurnie try and negotiate. I mean, you know, come on. And I do that with, you know, and it's still working for me.

Oh, yeah. Well, there's, you know, what's it still working for me? Maybe it's still working for me because I still got a credit line, so I can dig my hole a little deeper.

Yeah, that's still working for me, you know, I can I can go see her a few more times, you know, and create some bigger harm and and more amends, you know, that's what I what my mind tells me is still working for me. uh you know that's uh you know that's that's either illusion or delusion on my part. The fact is that you know I wrote this I can see it in my own own handwriting.

My my wife bless her heart used to have just the question for me that I hated because I'd have this well-reasoned position or argument and she'd just look at me and she says well dear how's that working for you? And I go, "Well, you didn't understand." And let me explain again, you know, and it just come back. Well, okay.

That that sounds good. How's it working for you? And I get to see that it ain't working for me.

I thought it was, but it wasn't. And it's just not working for it. So now I'm I'm ready.

I'm ready to release it. I I'm I'm I'm got some apprehension because I'm human about what the future who am I who am I going to be without these defects? I'm I get so identified and worried by the way that all of a sudden God is going to turn me as pure as the driven snow and who would I be if I was, you know, pure as the driven snow and I wouldn't recognize myself and I wouldn't even be somebody I'd care to spend time with.

But that I've never seen that happen, you know. What it does do is it takes me to a point where the mistakes I've been made uh I've made uh the harm I have done and everything else start to get turned into instruments that can help and heal others if I'm willing to do that. So I'm going to work in God's world instead of on the on the Mikey plan.

I uh this is a bad place because uh I don't know where I got it. I I'm sure I heard it in a meeting and it sounded great sometime, but the the first time I did this, I'd made the mistake of burning my inventory. And uh they explained to me I was going to known go make this eight list from eightstep list.

I made it when I a good part of it when I when I wrote inventory and uh Oh, you did what with it? Well, I burned it, you know, and uh you know, today I don't burn in inventory anymore because it can I got a whole stack of tablets in the back of my closet and when I sit down with a man over at my place and we're start fist stepping uh and he hits something, I can Oh, well, let's see. That sounds like it's here on this tablet, you know, and we can go back and uh and see, oh, okay.

One of the one of the things that the isolation of this stuff produces for me is I'm just sure that I'm the only one that's ever sinned this way or whatever you want to call it. I'm the I'm the only one that has uh coveted his neighbor's dog or something like that. I I'm the only one who's ever looked at a farm animal this way.

I mean, you know, I don't I whatever it is and I I I one more time see that that you know I know I I'm like you in 90% of it on the surface is you know we're just alike and everything else but I got that little piece that I'm trying to hold on to that makes me different. And Clint helped me a great deal there. He says you know you're going to have to learn how to make that peace with that part of you that's never going to get it.

There's going to always be some piece of you that just doesn't get it. You may get 99% of it, but if if you've got hatred for that piece of yourself, uh you'll always be unhappy. Uh and you won't be very useful either.

Uh so uh I can I can the same way you know and he showed me he said when guy comes in and reads an inventory to you and there there's something in it whatever it is in there uh said how do you really feel about him? Doesn't your heart go out to him uh and everything else? Of course it does.

Now why can't why can't you do that for yourself? You know how just who the hell do you think you are not to make peace with that part of you, you know, and it's again it's it's it's that ego trying another angle to get a little power. Well, I'm going to get some power because by God, I'm not going to I'm not going to release myself here.

I'm not going to forgive myself here. And uh you know the the ego just it gets deflated and it regroups and it attacks from a different direction you know and it's always going on and it's like everything else sunshines the world's best disinfectant here you know the more the more my life is open the more the fewer secrets I have the freer I am and so I made my list here and I wouldn't consider consider approaching this without this is where my sponsor gets to earn his pay. Uh because I'm one of those folks from earlier attempts before I'd really done this work.

I'd gone out and made a bunch of half-assed amends and there were people I had to go back and make amends to for the way I made amends to them. Uh, and let's be f let's be square straight about it. I went out and made those amends.

Uh, because I thought I was going to get something from them. Uh, I in some cases I just wanted approval. In some cases, I wanted their affection.

In some cases, I wanted their money. But I I I went out there with a real agenda. a real I thought hidden agenda, you know, and it it just didn't work very well.

Uh and I created more harm by doing that. So today I I'll make that list and I was told they still do it the same way. Uh I made three lists.

The ones that I was willing to make, the ones I you might be willing to make, and the ones the no never column. Uh and to my immense relief uh my sponsor uh helped weed those columns you know he says well I don't think you know there's particularly in the beginning I had an exaggerated sense of the harm that I'd done in the world you know I thought I'd been this terrible whirlwind force and you I had terribly harmed some people but uh I didn't need to go out and make amends to every blade grass that I'd ever been either. In fact, if I did tried to do that, I just diminished the pro the value of the process.

And so, we came down with the the list. The sponsor helped me weed the list out. And then we decided which ones needed to be seen in which way.

Who who should I see in person? Who should I uh uh write a lonest letter to? and who should I perhaps just leave alone and I didn't get to you know sponsor's judgment mind varied considerably on that and based on experience he was right more than off he was he's a lot better track record than than I had on that and as I got ready to do this the first time I I I happened to be having a conversation with Don and mentioned well Don I'm I'm I'm ready to really go out and start making some amends now.

He says, "Well, what do you what do you expect to h get from that?" And I said, "Well, Don, I want to get free and I want to get forgiven." And he says, "Well, Mike, if you've done the eightstep correctly, you're free right now. You're free. You You got free the moment you were in completely willing to go make that amend.

You're free. What you're going to do now is some of the people that you harmed aren't free. They're in bondage to the harm you created in their life.

Their their time is being wasted being angry with you or hurt by you or whatever. So, what you're going to do now, you're already free. You're going to go see if they would like to be free too and offer that freedom to them through this amends process.

And I didn't get that. And he says, 'By the way, if what you want is forgiveness, you're going to have to offer forgiveness. You can't you can't in any piece of your heart withhold forgiveness and expect to receive it yourself.

So, any questions up to this point? All right. Well, why don't you take the afternoon off and we'll see you uh about one hour after dinner.

this evening then. Enjoy it. >> Thank you.

>> It's just blowing my mind here. I uh I really love this group. You've been so kind to me and and uh uh letting me get to know a great number of you and uh I hope I still get to spend more time and with more of you before we're wrapped up here.

But uh I get to see a bunch of groups from time to time and uh uh I'll reinforce probably what you already intuit it that uh this is an exceptional group. This is not your average group of guys in Alcoholic Anonymous and uh I uh I want to honor that. So thank you again.

We're going to I'm going to talk a bit about we're going to kind of close the roof uh the loop here tonight hopefully on uh the turning it over process. Uh you know I I used to have that illusion we talked about that I turned things over when I when I took that third step. Uh but what I really did was I was that was a a vital and important step but it was just really part of a turning it over process.

uh that turning it over process began with me understanding that uh oh for example that I was powerless over my ex-wife uh and that everything I was trying to do to manage that situation with her uh every time I tried to manage it, it just seemed to get worse. Uh and so I got a first step in place with that. Uh, and then the next thing I had to decide was, uh, was there a spiritual help available to me with this problem?

I mean, I I knew there was spiritual help available to me with my drinking, but was there spiritual help available to to me with with this with this divorce, with this breakup of the the family here. Uh, and then I needed to be willing to ask for the spiritual help. And then I had to pick up my pen and and write about what had gone on.

And most most appropriately, I had to get down uh to my mistakes in the situation and where I'd been afraid and how how fear had driven me. Uh, you know, and when I did that, I got an image. I got I got an image of a of a stretch limo pulling up in front of my house in the morning and this thing that kind of looked like death warmed over in a tux opening the back door and says, "Hi, I'm fear.

I'm going to drive you around today." You know, step in. You know, and I got to see how literally my fears were just carrying me around through my life. Uh, and I got to share that with uh, first with just the men I trusted most in the world and then I got opened up to sharing it with other men.

Uh, and then I and I sat with that and and and I got to a place where it said, God, you know, if you'd take this mess I've made away, uh, I'm will I'm willing to surrender putting any conditions on it because up to now it had to have a certain kind of outcome. And now I'd become ready uh to have God's vision for me rather than my vision for me. Uh and I looked back at what I'd written and I saw who I'd harmed and I became willing to make amends to them.

And so now here finally as we talk about the ninth step, we close the loop on this process. And it doesn't I use that particular example with my marriage, but it it anything literally uh that I'm quoting to turn over. Uh I don't turn it over by just flicking a little prayer out to the universe.

I've got to be willing uh God will be certainly be my uh I started to say my partner in this, but that's not the way it is. God God's willing to carry me through this. Uh but I've got to I've got to do some work myself.

Uh, you know, I always related to Clint's comment. You know, he says it's like a law firm. It'll start out God and associate.

Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.

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