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So, just like Okay. All right. I'm Nicole.

I am definitely an alcoholic. My sobriety day is September 20th of 2015, so no fronts, but if I stay sober for about another week, I'll get five years. Um, I'll try to keep this short and sweet so we get out of here in time, but no promises.

Um, so I have a sponsor. She knows she's my sponsor because I talk to her daily, even at this point in my sobriety. Um, and I sponsor women.

I think that second part is probably one of the biggest, most important parts of um, my program. Uh, there was a time where I thought that wasn't for me and I got to see what happens when that's not for me and I almost went back out. So today I sponsor no matter what.

Um, so a little backstory what it was like. Um, I have a mom and dad that are super polar opposite of each other. My mom's like a big Bible thumper and my dad doesn't really believe God exists.

Um, my mom's allergic to alcohol much differently than I am. She takes a drink of a beer and she's got a headache. While my dad is allergic to alcohol in the same way that I am, that he is an alcoholic who hasn't found a solution yet.

Um, so crazy enough, they didn't work out, right? Two two polar opposites like that didn't work out. So my parents got divorced when I was very young.

That wasn't that big of a deal for me. That was probably like one of the best things that could have happened for me. Um, and my dad just wasn't really ready to be a dad.

Um, but my mom, she she was made to be a mom, you know, so she she was an amazing mom. I uh lived with her mostly and um you know life was really great because she got married for the second time. Um she's been married a few times.

I have a lot of daddies growing up. Um so uh you know life was super great. I I had a dad that loved me.

Um I had everything I wanted. Um, and then you know, my mom has a way of finding the drug addicts and alcoholics, which is super interesting because like I said, she can't even drink a beer. Um, so that didn't work out for her.

And, um, that's when I first started picking up resentments, right? Cuz I met my now stepdad before I got rid of the first stepdad. Um, and it was like a light switch.

I just became like this super angry child. Um, and now being an AA, I understand. um you know that resentments is the number one offender, right?

Um I had a lot of turbulent stuff happen in my life um growing up, but none of that is what makes me an alcoholic. What makes me an alcoholic is I have this disease, right? Um that I form an obsession with alcohol and once I put that alcohol in my body, like I'm drinking to overcome this allergy, right?

Um so anything that I tell you along the way that sounds kind of like, oh, that's not so good. That's not what makes me an alcoholic. And I know that today.

Um I know people that have seriously tragic lives that are not alcoholics, you know. Um so when my mom married my third stepdad, I became super angry and my mom couldn't handle me anymore, so she kicked me out to live with my dad. Um which, you know, through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm able to have a beautiful relationship with him today.

Um but growing up, it was really hard. He was abusive in many ways and I just didn't understand why he was the way he was. You know, now working my steps, I'm like, "Oh, that's just how we are, right?" Um, and I and I vowed I'd never grow up to be like him.

Oh, forget about that thing. I I vowed I would never grow up to be like him, which is kind of ironic, right? Cuz this alcoholism was just kind of brewing within me.

Um, and so like I I was kind of what you would call a late bloomer, I guess. you know, since I've been in the rooms, I realize I'm a late bloomer, but um I was super into church. I super love Jesus.

Um you know, but I was just super angry. You know, I was super full of fear. Um all these things started cropping up within me and um you know, forming this disease before I ever took my first drink.

Um and so when I went to my first party um you know, I was never I never had a first drink, right? I I had a first blackout. Um I can honestly tell you I don't think there's ever been a time where I just had one beer, you know.

Um and I didn't think that wasn't normal. That whole saying um that you don't drink to get drunk, I was like, who does that? You don't drink to get drunk?

Like why would you drink for the taste, you know? Um and then going to AA meetings, I was like, "Oh, okay. So that's probably what makes me an alcoholic." Uh cool.

Um, so I, you know, I had my first blackout and, um, it was a really pivotal moment of my life, right? Like I said, I was like super into church. I love Jesus a lot.

I was saving myself for marriage. Um, and that night I was raped by two men. And that was like the turning point of my story, right?

I was like, "Screw you, God. You can stay up there. Leave me alone." I still believed in him, but I I wanted nothing to do with him, right?

which um was pretty detrimental because he was the only one that could save me, right? And so um I decided shortly after that um I was told we can talk about other things here. So, um, you know, shortly after that, I started using, uh, marijuana to cope with all the things that were going in going on inside my head, you know, and I just started to see that these outside things I could put in my body and it made me feel all right, you know, and I thought it made me super cool because I could drink like the guys and because I could probably drink them under the table.

Um, that I could always smoke more weed than them. And, you know, looking back like it's like that wasn't that cool. it just made me the alcoholic in the group, right?

Um, you know, so I decided to drop out of high school cuz who needs to do that. Um, and I I'm going to work, you know, and um, you know, that's where my life started kind of going downhill a little bit. It wasn't just like, but um, it definitely started going downhill.

Um, I I started moving to other um, other substances other than alcohol. Um, I like how the big book talks about like the alcohol is but a symptom, right? So like that and my disease just has a lot more symptoms that are chemical than just alcohol.

Um, and so I got introduced to and I kind of like to share my two bottoms because I think it's really important to know that like everybody's bottoms look different, right? And I got sober from or I got off of drugs and then got off of alcohol at two different points, you know? And I'm really grateful for that because that gives me the experience that my bottom doesn't have to look necessarily the same to be a bottom, right?

Like my bottom was enough to make me need to get sober, want to get sober. Um so I got introduced to um some party drugs and that's how it all started with me. And um I was like, well, you know, you can't do party drugs and and still go to work, so I'll just start doing heroin during the week because that's logical.

Um, it was super logical at the time. Um, you know, and like at that point, I wasn't someone that got super addicted to it, right? Like I didn't get sick.

I thought everyone was a bunch of babies. I'm like, I must be Superwoman, you know. Um, yeah.

No. Uh, so that went on for a while. I lost my first apartment within like two months of living there.

Uh, cuz I always just had to like buy drugs with my rent money. Um, and you know, and then I met like the first love of my life. I have many loves in my life, just like my mom.

Um, and you know, at the time he's like, "Yeah, I'm an exmeth user." And um, I just smoke weed now. And I'm like, "Okay, cool. Everybody's got a past, whatever." You know?

Uh, and like that was like my first like introduction to someone that, you know what I mean? Like, and so, um, I lost my job, right? and he he had relapsed which was like super interesting because that was the first time I ever saw someone um using um IV drugs right and I was like well this is interesting we'll have to visit this later and talk about this later you know kind of killing my buzz right now um but I lost my job and he had already went back to selling drugs and I grew up in like Peoria Arizona so like not really like in the in the heat of it you know like I thought I was gangster story.

It definitely was not. Uh but um you know, I was like, I don't know what to do. And he's like, well, you can come live with me, but your whole life's about to change.

And I was like, you don't know me. You know, I can handle it. I absolutely cannot handle it.

Um and so like the first night that I was down in there in the slopes with him, uh he, you know, I had done Xanax all day. I was super tired. I didn't want to go to bed.

and he's like, "Well, if you want to try this to get up and stay up with me, um, you know, that's cool, too." So, I tried meth for the first time. I absolutely hated it. Um, honestly, I hated most drugs the first time I tried them, but I was like, "Oh, I'll just I'll just give it another whirl." You know what I mean?

And, um, and like looking back, it's like that was that obsession, right? Like because even though every part of me um did not want to do it, I was already powerless to it at that time, right? like I just wanted to escape the way I was feeling.

And um so like after the first time I did it, I felt super crazy. So I was like, "Okay, I'm never going to do it again." And then two weeks later, I tried it again and I was hooked. That was it was all she wrote, right?

Um I came into the drug world dating a dope dealer and um that gave me this sense of like all these things I'd never do, right? Cuz there was these women doing all these things with my boyfriend that they should not be doing. Um, you know, I was like, "Oh, I'd never sleep with someone that that has a girlfriend or a wife or whatever for my drugs.

I'd never do this. I never do that." Right? Um, but very quickly all those things uh started becoming a part of my life.

You know, we draw those lines in the sand. We're like, "Oh, I'll never I'll never I'll never, right?" And like, yeah, like that sounds like a good idea until like that addiction or that alcoholism has taken such a hold of you, you know? Um so you know another thing the big book talks about is fear right like driven by a hundred forms of it for me I think it's a lot more than that um as I look back through my life even right now right like I I still have these fears that sometimes drive me but today I have a solution um that gives me the gift of awareness to be able to see these things and be like oh wait a minute like I'm living in fear what do we do about it right um but anyway so I stayed with that guy out of fear I was more afraid of being alone known that being in a abusive relationship.

Um I stayed in that relationship for way too long. Um you know and and then I met the second love of my life. So I was able to leave him and you know everything was groovy with that and then he went to prison and that's when I found myself back on heroin.

You know and I'm so grateful for that because it took me to my knees a lot quicker than um alcohol would alone or meth would alone. You know, I know I know all these other things would have done it just by itself, but like heroin just like expedited the process a lot. Um, I found myself doing things I thought I never would.

Um, you know, that whole idea that I was like, "Oh, I would never sleep with someone that is married or whatever." you know, that it became not so important to me that his wife and kid could be right out the front door while I'm doing what I got to do to get high, you know, and and I'm meeting all these lines in the sand and it's not even like it's not even taking me off guard, right? It's just I got to do what I got to do. Um, I became a pretty heavy IV drug user early on in my in my walk with drugs.

And um, I told myself I'd never use someone else's needle. And I found myself using um, people's needles that I knew had he, right? Like it didn't matter to me.

I like I just needed to do what I needed to do to get what I needed, right? Um, I just I was just doing all these things because I was completely powerless over over drugs. And I I realized it, right?

It wasn't that I was like out there oblivious to the fact that like, "Oh, I got this." No, I knew I didn't have it. And it was the most depressing feeling I had ever felt, right? So, um, I just remember being on a bathroom floor and being like, "God, if this is it for me, like if if I'm never going to find a way off of this stuff, you need to just take me out, you know?" And it gave me a little hope that uh he didn't take me out.

I'm like, "Oh, maybe you'll come in on the other side of that prayer someday." You know, but I just did not I could not come to believe that a power greater than myself could could heal me, right? It was just it was so impossible. Um, so one of my biggest ways of getting through life was I was a master manipulator.

You know, I'm a female. I didn't really have to have a hustle other than that. Um, and I met this guy that completely altered um how my life went.

Um, I had tried to manipulate the wrong guy, as sometimes it goes, and um, he ended up roofing me, and um, and beating me within inches of my life after taking me to to California, right? Um, and I I remember waking up being like, well, this is not good. You know, I went to sleep in Phoenix, Arizona, and I'm waking up in California, and I have no one that I know around me.

um he wanted me to work for him and I was like, you know, I'm not really above that that whole idea, but I'm not going to do it for someone else, you know what I mean? Like I'm that selfish and self-centered that that's mine, you know? Um and so when I when I refused to do that, like he beat me within inches of my life and it was the best thing that ever happened to me because in that moment, um all of a sudden all I had was God, right?

Like it took me back to that, you know, like those foxhole prayers like, "All right, God, if you just do this, you know, and and I I remember just telling God like everything slowed down so much. I just remember telling God like, "Not like this." You know what I mean? Like you can take me out any other way, but not like this because this will make my family sad if I die like this, right?

If I overdose, I'll just be mad, right? Which is crazy. That's that's not true.

When we overdose, our families really do really do take it hard. Um, you know, so it was like crazy like God just like made that man stop. It was a miracle and I was, you know, like God God could have allowed for that situation not to happen, but he allowed it to happen because he knew it was what was going to save my life, right?

Um, so I ended up going to the hospital and I had warrants. Um, I didn't know they did warrant checks at hospital. So I was pretty shocked when they did that.

Um, the cop was like, "All right, I'm going to take you with me." And I was thinking, "Oh, cool. I'm going to go to a woman's shelter. This will be great.

And she's like, "Put your hands behind your back." And I was like, "Okay." So, I went to jail. Um, it was a lot nicer in California jail than here. They feed you three times a day, so that was nice.

Um, but you know, while I was there, I just had like I talked to my sister and she's like one of the most important people in my life. Um, and I was like, "Man, please forgive me." You know, like I'll do anything. And she's like, "Sure, just don't do drugs when you get back." And I was like, "You got it.

I promise." You know, and I hung up the phone and I was like, "Oh my gosh, what did I just tell this kid?" You know, like for me, I was never the type of person that liked using drugs, you know, like I hated it every day. And I'm like, if I could quit, I would have, you know, so I'm like, "All right, God, you like really pulled something amazing off. I I need you to do it again.

I need you to help me to not do drugs." And I do not know what that's going to take, you know? And for me, my story is a little different. Like that obsession to use drugs was just lifted.

I know it's not that way for everybody. Um, sorry, my watch is saying right things. Um, I know that's not that way for everybody.

So, if that's not your story, don't freak out and be like, "Oh my gosh, I'm broken." Because it's not. Like, it happens for everybody at different points of of their sobriety journey. Um, for me, that's just how it happened.

But, um, I I long story short, I I got out of jail. I got put on probation and um you know I'm grateful for that because one of the terms of my probation was not to drink, right? And I thought, well, I'm just a drug addict, so this is totally fine.

I I can just drink and you know, and and that'll be cool. Um but, you know, looking back, if someone tells you that you're going to go to prison for 5 years if you drink a beer and you still drink that beer, like there might be something wrong, you know. Um, so I continued to drink alcohol um for another two years and um like right when I was getting off of probation, I had this aha moment, right?

Like God completely flipped my life like in 180 degrees and and fixed everything for me. And here I was still getting blackout drunk um totally disrespecting this life that God gave me, right? And so I had another moment with God where I was like, you know, man, like I saw what you did with with drugs.

I need you to do that with alcohol, you know. Um, and it was really hard for me to admit that I was an alcoholic because that was just a spiritual bottom, right? And like I'm used to like as I told you, my bottoms being bottoms like where I'm just like homeless and selling myself and all this getting myself into scary situations, you know?

And so for it to be just a spiritual bottom, I didn't know that that that I was really an alcoholic until I came to AA, right? And I got to hear about these people in these meetings and I'm like, "Oh, wow. That's me and that's me and that's me." You know, um obviously I could go be a part of a bunch of fellowships, but I only ever had a love for AA and and I think God gave me that love so that I could find out that I am an alcoholic.

Um I didn't get sober in the rooms. God used one of my other symptoms to help save my life, which is uh relationships. And um I started hanging out with an old friend and and he was in AA and I I knew I was super attracted to him, but I thought it was just for looks, but what was so attractive about him was he had a solution, you know, and I didn't have one.

I had God in my life. I was sober. Um I was white knuckling it.

And I did not have a design for living, right? like my life did not really take off until I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, you know, but like while we were together, I'm like, I'll do my Jesus stuff, you do your AA stuff, and we'll just leave each other alone and meet in the middle, you know.

Um, and he always had like these super interesting things he'd say, talk about acceptance and gratitude and all these like big amazing things to me. And it I started reading the big book and I'm like, "Oh, wow." Like he was just taking this from the big book, you know? I thought he was like super amazing.

uh which he is, but like that was from the big book. Um you know, and and I did have a psychic change and um I continue to have psychic change changes, right? Like I I'm always having these spiritual awakenings where this this solution becomes even more real in my life, right?

Co sucked for everybody. Um I think for me, I this p like with meetings being closed, I got to really see how strong my program was. Um, so I have a sponsor that became a sister and a best friend to me and like her kids are like my nephew and my nieces, right?

Um, she had a baby that was born with a genetic defect and he was very very sick and I and I got to um, you know, shoulder that burden with her and then um, take care of a very sick baby with her and then got to go there while she was holding her dead son. You know what I mean? and and um while that's all going on um I had a business at the beginning of co that I was losing right so all these things start to pile up and um I was supposed to get married uh two months ago and obviously not married so that that was starting to to fall apart um and all these things right that I was just like I was like begging God like if you just put this back together or this back together, like it's okay if you take this, right?

Like bargaining with God, which it doesn't work like that. Um, you know, like it felt like God was taking everything from me, you know, but like it it was the best thing that I could have walked through. Um, especially with like meetings being closed and only having Zoom, I really got to see like how bad do I want this?

You know what I mean? How bad do I want to work for this? How bad do I not want to pick up a drink?

Um, and so, um, you know, God did take all those things. He didn't he didn't leave any of them. He he took the relationship, which I I thank God so much for today, right?

Cuz like that relationship was ran on fear. Um, and um, I've gotten to see my my favorite step is step three, right? Um, and I get to see that walked out in my life.

It wasn't like a one-time choice, right? I'm like, "All right, I give you my will of my life." No, like that has walked out probably about a million times a day for me and I got to see how much I really meant that. Um, so like I said, we lost the baby.

Um, God took that relationship, which um, thank God he did cuz I almost married someone completely out of fear. Um, you know, I So, the first man that I've probably ever been in love with sober, um, he was one of us and he lost his battle to this disease, right? Um, and it it rocked me.

It broke me in ways that I did not think I could break. And um, but it also made me even more aware why I do surrender my will in my life, right? Because there was a year in my life I begged God to keep this man in my life, right?

But he relapsed um, not long after we broke up. And getting to see what God already saw way down here um, you know, down the road a little bit helped me to trust him a lot more, right? Because if I if God would have been like, "Okay, yeah, no, you're right, Nicole.

You should have everything exactly as you want it, like who knows where I'd be right now, you know?" And that doesn't and that's why it's like it's like a I practice these things. All right? I practice these principles in all of my affairs.

I'm not perfect at them. Um I struggle with them a lot. Some days I'm full of fear and it can almost rule my life.

Um sometimes I want to take my will back. Um, but I've learned when I do follow the steps as they're outlined, I get to be happy today, you know? Um, like I can have a thought of a drink and it not turn into an obsession today.

And to me, that's a freaking miracle, man. I used to think about a drink and I was already at the bar, you know. Today I can think about a drink, call my sponsor, and and, you know, do the things necessary to stay sober, you know, through some really rough stuff.

Um, you know, now I'm in this new season of change where I get to start a new job because that business ended. Um, I get to be single and just be with God and see what that's like. Um, I I've gotten to continue to work with new women all throughout this COVID pandemic because, you know, if you pray for sponses, God's going to bring those to you, you know.

So, I've I'm sponsoring women right now I've never even met. Um, which is really an amazing experience for me. Um, you know, and I and I've noticed too, like all these things that we're usually praying for God to take away from us is usually what God's gonna like grow us into the people we're supposed to be, right?

Like if if I would have seen this whole season outlined, I probably would have been like, "All right, God, let's skip over this this chapter. Let's just, you know, roll with it." Um, but I'm so grateful that I do surrender my will of my life over to God today because then it gives me that peace and acceptance walking through these things to know that like, all right, God, I don't like how it looks, but I trust you, right? That's the only difference.

Like I don't think this program calls you to like just like uh love torture, right? No, it it just helps you to surrender to something bigger than you and whatever that looks like, right? We all have like there's like so many different higher powers within AA and I just think it's cool that a group of drunks can um you know surrender to something bigger than themselves, right?

Um and stay sober through it. Um through this program, I've been able to uh have a relationship with people that I never thought I would. Um because now I get to see that I'm not a victim, right?

I there's that fourth column that on my first uh fifth fourth step I I left out my part, you know, which is the whole point, you know, and my sponsor's like, "What the heck? I think you missed the point." And I was like, "Oh, okay." Um, you know, but like what a gift. Today I get to see Nicole has a part, right?

And that's the only thing I have any control over, right? And I get to grow into a better person today. Um, and and me being that better person today is able to have a relationship with my sick dad and and know that he is the way he is, but hey, maybe if I just show show up and be like the only big book he's ever read, that might like do something for him, you know?

Uh, today I get to have like amazing friendships and relationships cuz this program's taught me how to say sorry and make amends. That's not something I was ever able to do, right? like I pride is my number one character defect and and I would ride that out.

You know, I never had anything to to apologize for anyone cuz don't you know what you did? Um you know, and that's another miracle that this program has given me. Um outside of the miracle of not having to pick up when life sucks.

Um I'm sorry. I'm getting nervous cuz I'm trying to be out of here by 9 for you guys. Let's see.

Okay. Well, it's 9:09. Thank you guys for having me.

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Until next time, have a great day.