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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Let's welcome today's speaker, Patty O.

Are you ready? We're ready. Thank you.

I'm Patty. I'm an alcoholic. Grateful to be sober.

I'm grateful to be in the meet of Alcoholics Anonymous. have to make sure my machine's turned on. Otherwise, I would run out of oxygen, turned a nice shade of blue.

Um, fall over, maybe die. Um, but I wouldn't stop talking. So, don't don't y'all worry about that at all.

I want to uh welcome the newcomers. I'm impressed. Well, it takes a lot to impress me, too, but I'm impressed by the number of people from out of state.

I could barely find my way here from Orange County. Um, so to get here from another state, God bless you. I don't know how you do that.

Um, uh, um, newcomers, welcome. If you took those chips, what you do with that chip, he said, carry it in your pocket. Here's what you really do with it.

If you want to take a drink, take that chip, put it on your head, and smash it with a sledgehammer. That's that's the reason we give them to you. None of this carry it in your pocket Um, welcome to the addicts.

I hope you uh grab yourself a sponsor while you're here today. Um, and I hope you find a sponsor who will take you through the book Alcoholics Anonymous. And I hope you will find your alcoholism because if you're alcoholic, we have a solution for you here.

If you're not an alcoholic, you're just here for entertainment this morning. So, find yourself a sponsor. Those people all stood up.

They all want you. It's not like you're going to ask one of them and they're going to say no. So, you don't have to be afraid of rejection here.

The sicker you are, the more we want you. Um, grab yourself a sponsor and uh and and go. If you're a man, get Michael.

Michael will not stop talking. So, um, you won't even have to worry about saying anything. He'll just keep he's talking right now while I'm talking.

He's just just chatting it up here. So, uh, get yourself a sponsor, get a book, go through the book, and find your alcoholism. That's my Christmas wish for you.

Uh, because I want you to have a solution. And what happens here, and this is why, this is what happens in Alcoholics Anonymous. And it doesn't happen anywhere else, but it happens here.

We gather up here. We're gathered up this morning, except for those of us who had to do their Christmas shopping because I'm telling you what, there's no empty parking spaces at the mall right now. But we gather up here this morning and I'm going to tell a story and it's going to be a dreary little story about alcoholism.

But we gather up and we listen to a story. And when we leave, we're a little better than we were when we came in. And tomorrow we're going to gather up again.

And somebody else is going to tell a story. And we're going to leave a little better than we were when we came in. And we're not going to know we're a little bit better.

It's not like you're going to walk out and go, "Whoa, a little bit better. Patio told a story. Little little bit better today." You're not going to know you're a little bit better.

But what's going to happen is in two or three days or a week or two, you're going to see Sally come in and you're going to look and see a lights come on in Sally's eye. Then you're going to see John come in and John's going to be walking a little lighter. And you're going to see that Sally and John are a little better.

And you're going to realize if they're a little better, then you're a little better, too. And it only happens in Alcoholics Anonymous. It doesn't happen anywhere else.

I mean, go to the PTA and tell your story and see how many of those people are better as a result of you telling your story. Doesn't happen. It only happens here.

So, we're asked in Alcoholics Anonymous to share what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now. And the reason we share that way is because it's our stories. It's my alcoholism that will touch somebody else's alcoholism.

It's your alcoholism that touched mine. And my alcoholism woke up in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And at 40 years sober, I am still actively involved in Alcoholics Anonymous because I have to come here and listen to your alcoholism and have your alcoholism continue to touch mine so that mine can stay awake and I can stay sober uh through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

that I need you for that and I need you more this morning than I needed you on October 5th, 1975 when I met you. I need you more today. So, I'm going to tell you my story.

My sponsor always says when I do this, she says, "Tell him your name and tell him the truth." Well, I've told you my name. I'm not so sure I'm going to tell you the truth. And the reason for that is clear for me.

I mean, I didn't know that what it used to be like was going to be important. If I would have known that what I was going to be here, if I would have known I was going to be here this morning reporting to you what it used to be like, I would have paid more attention to my life. But I didn't know it was going to be important.

So, I didn't pay a lot of attention. Coupled with that, I'm a blackout drinker. I love blackouts.

I love blackouts. I wish we could have blackouts sober. There's there's nothing more exciting for me than leaving work on December 12th, going back on December 14th, and discovering I'd been there the entire time.

It just, uh, it just makes the time between paychecks so much shorter. So, uh, so I love blackouts, but if you're not paying a lot of attention and you're a blackout drinker, it makes what it used to be like a little fuzzy. So, a lot of what I report to you has been reported to me by other people.

And I just have to believe they're telling me the truth. I mean, coupled with that, I had I had a job that I had to get a fingerprint clearance for, and I fingerprint really, really well. I'm good at fingerprinting.

I roll right along with the printer. I don't go too fast. I don't resist it.

I just roll right along. And I was being printed for my job. I didn't want to raise any red flags.

So I said very casually to the woman doing my printing, I said,"Well, how far back are you going to check?" And she looked me in the eye and said, "From the day you were born." I thought, "Oh my god, it's like a fifth step. Only it's in the wrong order cuz they're going to know about it before I do." And uh the book Alcoholics Anonymous says more will be revealed. It doesn't say how.

So uh they sent my prints off. And I don't know if you have a lot of interaction with non-alcoholic people, but non-alcoholic people when they're going to give us what they think is bad news, they tend to be a little hesitant. And this woman was really hesitant when she called me up and she said, "You know, your report came back." And I said, "Okay." And she said, "Normally these reports are two or three pages long." I said, "Okay." She said, "Yours was 56 pages." She said, "Do you want to see it?" Well, of course I did.

So I went down and read that report and I can tell you this. I know a lot more about what it used to be like having read that report than I than I did before then. So, I don't know if this story is true or not, but I like it.

So, I just keep telling it. I didn't have my first drink of alcohol until I was 13 years old. And I'm really sorry I waited that long, but I had absolutely no idea what alcohol would do to me or for me.

I never thought I can't wait until I drink. I certainly never thought I would never drink, but I never thought about alcohol at all. And yet I'm 13 years old.

I'm on a camping trip. We're on the beach just south of Oceanside. And I remember this Friday night as clearly as if it had been last night.

I remember at 13 years old getting into the tent that night and in my pillowcase I had a bottle of vodka. To this day, I don't know where that bottle came from. I've always believed it was the grace of God, but I've never been able to confirm that.

So, uh, but I remember the book talks about we have a sense of ease and comfort before we take a drink of al alcohol. I had a sense of ease and comfort holding that bottle having absolutely no idea what alcohol would do to me or for me. I asked if anybody wanted any and they didn't.

And the reason they gave me for not wanting it was all we had to mix with it was grape soda and root beer. And I said, "So what?" And I took off the top and I drank half the bottle. I looked around the tent.

Nothing had gotten different. Nothing had changed. So, I drank the second half of the bottle and that was to be the end of my social drinking.

Never again after that day. Never again after that day did I ever offer anybody a drink out of my bottle. And uh I don't know about y'all, but I never had resentments until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous.

One of my early resentments in Alcoholics Anonymous is I heard you talk about your first drink and you described the drink. You talked about the warmth in your mouth. You felt it as it kind of trickle down your throat.

You felt it as it went down and it hit your stomach and it exploded and it went to your fingernails and your toenails and you grew a couple inches. You dropped 20 pounds. Your pimples fell off.

I mean, wonderful things happened to you and that wasn't the case for me. I had my first drink of alcohol and absolutely nothing happened to me for about 15 minutes. And uh at the end of the 15 minutes, the only thing that happened to me was I had to go to the bathroom.

And it's my belief this morning that if I were to drink a bottle of anything in about 15 minutes I would have to go to the bathroom. So I got out of the tent and I shovel through the sand to the outhouse and when I went in and got done I realized I was absolutely and totally paralyzed. I couldn't move.

I didn't feel my heart beating and I couldn't blink and I was overcome with a sense with a sense of fear. And of course the fear was that somebody else was going to have to come use that outhouse and there I was paralyzed to the toilet seat. Later in my drinking, I would discover that two people can use the same toilet at the same time.

If the second person is very careful about what they're doing, but that's a visual, right? But uh but I didn't know that at 13. I I did somehow though that the body was made up of energy.

And I somehow figured if I could gather my energy, I would be all right. because I've always referred to it as my first formal meditation because I sat and I gathered my energy. And when it seemed to be in one place, when it seemed to be centrally located, I just sort of fell off the toilet, out the door into the sand, and started crawling back to the tent.

Now, when I got to you, you explained to me my entire problem that night had been my attitude. If my attitude would have been right, I could had a fantasy. I was in the Marines.

I was being divebombed as I was trying to get back to safety. And uh if my attitude would have been right, it could have been a wonderful experience. In my own defense, I always have to report that my pants were still down at my ankles.

I had started to get sick. I couldn't quite get through it. I couldn't get around it.

And uh I've always contended under those circumstances, it's a little difficult to have a good attitude. I did uh I did somehow manage to get back to the tent. I fell in and I passed out.

And when I came to in the morning, I realized nobody was in the tent with me. And I couldn't figure out where they went till my eyes cleared enough that I realized I'd been sick all night long. I'd hit the top of the tent, the side of the tent, like you've never been sick, right?

I hadn't missed a square inch. And quite frankly, I didn't want to be in the tent either. So, I got out of there.

And that was my first drink of alcohol. And it was the most wonderful, incredible, marvelous, magnificent, fabulous, awesome spiritual experience I'd ever had. And it must have been because to the best of my ability, to the best of my ability, I put some amount of alcohol into my body from that day until the day I came through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I didn't always get drunk and I didn't always drink the kinds of things that you would classify as a beverage. I drank a lot of vanilla extract. I used to buy it by the six-pack.

I just recently found out that they make vanilla extract without alcohol in it anymore, which I think is a total ripoff for our children. But um I remember the day the guy at the market called me over. He said, "Patty, I can't let you buy vanilla extract anymore." He says, "I can't believe anybody bakes as much as you do." And I got cut off from that supply.

I drank a lot of mouthwash. I drank a lot of perfume. Um Taboo became my after-dinner drink of choice.

I still I know I still have a weakness for it. If you're wearing it, I may follow you too closely. It'll laugh at your neck.

But uh but we know stuff. Alcoholics. Alcoholics.

We know stuff. We know stuff that other people don't know. And I don't know how we know it.

We just know it. My next door neighbors, not alcoholic. They've been to my house a few times.

They have never once eaten or drank a single thing out of my bathroom. But we we know we know stuff and and we don't I don't talk about it. I'm a I'm a bar drinker.

I'm a living room drinker, an alley drinker, a backyard drinker, an office drinker, a car drinker, a kitchen drinker. I don't specialize. I just drink.

Uh, but I love bars. I love sleazy, nasty, disgusting bars. You probably, this is a nice area.

You probably don't have any here, but probably have to drive out of town a little bit, but they're the ones with the sawdust on the floor. The mirrors have cracked, so you kind of dip around to see yourself in there. The posture around the bar stools ripped or people tried to hold on as they're falling off their bar stool.

It's always a nice touch if there's a piece of broken furniture in a corner somewhere. But they used to be full of smoke. I understand you can't smoke in a bar in California anymore, which makes no sense to me.

I drank in bars where guys that take a piss against the wall. Apparently, they can still do that, but they can't smoke in there. But they used to be full of smoke and they had that wonderful used booze urine smell that I I salivate still.

I love that smell. I I have friends that go to 700 a.m. attitude adjustment meetings.

I'm going to tell you, if I need my attitude adjusted, I go buy one of those joints, open the door, take a hit off of that, and it just perks me up for the rest of the day. But, but I'm impressed by the quality of people who drink in those places. I mean, there were CEOs of big companies, bank presidents, admirals in the Air Force, neurosurgeons.

I mean, that's what they said they were. I never told a lie in a bar, but um we weren't having conversations like, "Well, what do you prefer, the red mouthwash or the green?" What's your preference, Chantilli or Aqua Velva? We weren't having those kinds of conversations.

So, it doesn't occur to me I'm living any different than anybody else. I think I drink cuz I want to drink. I don't know that I don't have a choice.

I don't know that at 13 years old I put alcohol into an alcoholic body and from that day on I had no choice. I think I drink cuz I want to drink. I went to college, graduated from San Diego State with a 3.8 gradepoint average.

I share that with you because it almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous because when I got here, I told you I was too smart to be an alcoholic. Nobody with a 38 gradepoint average could possibly be an alcoholic. I can tell you this in retrospect, in hindsight, I was a chronic, hopeless, helpless alcoholic.

I'm a daily drinker. I'm a blackout drinker. And I graduated from college with a 38 gradepoint average.

I stayed at San Diego and took classes for a master's degree. I'm one of those people, if I'm doing something well, I want to keep doing it. Apparently, I do school well.

and I stayed to take classes for a master's degree. I left San Diego because I'd taken all the classes San Diego State has to offer. My disease manifests itself in rationalization, justification, and denial.

No matter what it is I do, I explain to you why I'm doing it. As I'm explaining it to you, I'm hearing it. As I'm hearing it, I'm believing it.

And I think I'm leaving San Diego because I've taken all the classes San Diego State has to offer. I don't think I'm leaving because I have a roommate who's a little annoyed with me. And you know, I'm in a bar drinking.

Even in the height of my compassion or in my alcoholism, I've had a tremendous amount of compassion. And some guy, the guys who drank in the bars I drank in had two basic lines. My wife doesn't understand and I have no place to stay tonight.

That was typically the end of their dialogue. So I have all this compassion. So I would take this guy home with me when the bar closed.

And we would get to my house and I would send him into the bedroom telling him I had to go to the bathroom. He'd go into the bedroom on the right. I would go into my bedroom on the left and I had just sent him in with my roommate.

Now, some nights that was okay with her. Some nights she didn't mind at all. Other nights within a matter of minutes there'd be all this banging on my bedroom door, which I had of course to get some sleep.

I have 7:00 classes, so if it would have always been all right or never been all right, I'd have been okay. But she was so inconsistent, you'd have drank if you lived with her. She was so inconsistent.

I didn't think I was leaving cuz she was annoyed with me. I didn't think I was leaving cuz I had one more drunk driving assault charge pending. And uh and here's the thing.

I'm driving down the street, the light comes on behind me, I pull over, the officer walks up, I slam my car door open, try and knock him in the private parts. Oh yeah, men are a little fussy about their private parts. So as the door's flying open, he jumps back to protect himself.

And when he jumps back, it's really a good thing because now he's far enough away that I can get him in focus. And I think one of him, one of me, one of him, one of me. I think I can take him.

One of him, one of me. I think I'll try and I go for him. It was a good I was a lot younger than but it was a good fight for a couple of minutes but I wouldn't remember that back at the car he had a friend and the friend had a radio and the friend would call some more friends and pretty soon it' be two or three of them one of me it's not fair anymore I say uncle and they take me away next time the light comes on behind me I pull over the officer walks up I slam my car door open try and knock him in the private parts he jumps back to protect himself he gets far enough away and get him in focus and I think one of him one of me one of him one of me I think I can take him one of him one of me I think I'm trying to go for him wouldn't remember the friend, the radio, and the friend's friend.

And pretty soon there'd be four or five of them wanted to me. It's not fair anymore. It's uncle, and they take me away.

When you get out of the car like that, they attach an assault charge. They don't even care that they won the fight. Front driving assault, drunk driving, assault.

And uh I didn't do that once or twice. I did that 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 times. I never remembered the friend, the radio, and the friend's friend.

And that's the insanity of my disease. The insanity of my disease is I do the same thing over and over and I think the results are going to be different. This time it's a fair fight.

This time I'm going to take him. And uh I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I drank during a time when the state of California did not get their underwear in such a knot about drunk driving. I mean I I understand they're pretty testy about it now, but I never really had any consequences.

I never had conse Well, they took my license from me, but you don't really need that to drive a car. But, uh, I'd pay an attorney a lot of money, a lot of money, and he'd make a phone call, he'd write a letter, and that'd be the end of it. I'd never hear any more about it.

But one time I had two pending at the same time, and my attorney was nervous. And I think if your attorney's nervous, you should worry about it. So, I'm sitting in a bar worrying about the fact that my attorney is nervous.

And I just started talking to this guy next to me, and as luck would have it, he worked in a mortuary. And I came up with a plan. I think alcoholics I think we come up with really good plans really quickly which is which is why at 40 years sober I am still actively sponsored because still today I can come up with really good plans really quickly and typically my solution is worse than the original problem but uh I didn't have a sponsor then so we went over the mortuary and we got a death certificate we put my name on it we filled out all the pertinent information we forged a doctor's signature and we sent it to the court because they can't expect a lot from you if you're dead.

And I don't know if it was 100, 150, 200 days, I don't know what it was later when the light came on behind me again. And uh and this time the judge wanted to see me. And I couldn't figure out why he never wanted to see me before.

But you know what? I'm game. I'll go.

And uh I'll never forget him, the look on his face. I'm standing there and he looked at me. He said, "Miss Oella, tell me how is it a dead person is standing in my court?" I shrugged my shoulders in all sincerity.

I said, "I don't know. Bad luck." And that's what I thought it was. It was bad luck.

It was circumstances and conditions. It was the cops. It was you and they and them.

Never occurred to me it had anything to do with alcohol. It never occurred to me. I thought I drank cuz I wanted to drink.

I didn't know that I didn't have a choice. I was I was offered a job in Northern California. I loaded everything I owned into my car.

I took some beer. I took some booze. And I headed north.

I got to Santa Ana, which isn't the place you want to shoot for. But I was out of booze and I was thirsty. And I pulled off the freeway.

I was sense I can find the sleaziest bar in town without looking for it. I walked into this place. It was full of smoke.

Had that wonderful used booze urine smell. Willie Nelson was singing on the jukebox and I knew I was home. That's as far north as I ever got.

88 miles from where I started from. Alcohol had become my mother, my father, my God, my friend, my lover, my companion, my support. And at some point it had turned and I've always believed it was in the middle of my first drink.

At some point it had turned and began to strip me of self-esteem, self-worth, decency, integrity, honesty, pride, all the things we have going for us as human beings. And long before I got to you, it had taken it all. Long before I got to you, alcohol controlled every area of my life.

Where I would live, where I would work, the people I would run with, and eventually the people I would run from. And I didn't have a clue. I was pulled over for what I prayed God was my last drunk driving assault charge.

I was doing the field sobriety test. I'm good at field sobriety tests. I practice field sobriety tests.

I'm I'm the kind of person I get released from jail. I get the arrest report. I find out where I made my mistake so I can practice that part so that next time I'll get that part right.

And I always knew there'd be a next time. I had a high-profile job. The cops were always looking for me.

They knew what I drove. They knew what I drove. If I had my car, your car, a company car, a stolen car, they always knew what I drove.

And they were always looking for me. So I practice field sobriety tests a lot. And the last one I even mentioned to the officer I thought I was doing A+ work and at the end of the test he asked me to say the ABCs backwards.

Well the time before I had responded with well I can't even do that sober. So I just confessed and so on the last one when he asked me to say the ABCs backwards I said okay. And I turned around.

See, you think it's funny? He wasn't even amused. He turned around.

He cuffed me, took me to Orange County jail, put me in a cell with criminals. I mean, real criminals. They were like prostitutes, burglars.

Women have been arrested for beating their husband, which I don't think should be a crime, but in California, they lock you up for it. And I went to court on that charge. I was 26 years old.

I was drunk in court that morning. It's the only way I went to court. Only way I went to the grocery store, the laundromat to work.

The only way I did anything. Went to court, 26 years old, drunk. I had the public defender standing next to me the day the highriced attorney was gone.

The only thing I've wanted to do since I was in the fourth grade was be a writer. Had an opportunity to go into that profession and gave it up for one more drink. If it came between a job and a drink, I took a drink.

A relationship and a drink, I took a drink. A family and a drink, I took a drink. Anything and a drink, I took a drink.

I'd given up my professional choice for one more drink. I was unemployed and I was unemployable. And because the state of California was starting to get really upset about drunk driving and because of my past record, I was being sentenced to 10 years in prison.

I have a son as a direct result of my alcoholism. I never wanted to be a mother. I found out that is not adequate birth control.

Um, I didn't like the kid. He wouldn't do anything. He wet and he cried.

You think at 8 months old he get a little part-time job, but no. But I was willing to use him that morning. I told the judge I was a single parent.

self-supporting through my own contributions. And he told me he put my son in a foster home because I was an unfit mother. And he began to sentence me.

In the middle of sentencing me, the expression on his face changed. The tone of his voice got different. And I know he was as surprised at what he was saying as I was at what I was hearing because he looked at me and he said, "I know this won't work for you, but I'm going to offer you one more chance." And he offered me an alternative.

And part of that alternative was meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I wish I could tell you that I came here. I heard the 12 steps.

I knew they were the solution to the problems of my life. Worked them all in the first week and skyrocketed to recovery. But uh but that's not my story.

I stood in the courtroom and thought about it. Jail alternative. I've been to jail.

There's more alcohol and other drugs inside the institution than there are some days on the street. If you know what to do, who to do it to, and you're willing to go to any lengths, and I always was. Jail alternative.

Um Bill writes something in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, something to this effect. He says, "To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live by spiritual principles." And he goes on to say, "This is not an easy choice for us." If you're new, please hear it. It's not an easy choice.

To be doomed to an alcoholic death. And I don't think by alcoholic death, I don't think Bill means have the decency to lay down and let them put dirt on your face. I think the alcoholic death that Bill talks about is to continue to live in the despair.

to continue to live in the incomprehensible demoralization. To continue to live sitting on bar stools, dreaming dreams and planning plans and not being able to get off the bar stool to get it done. To continue to live promising the people we love, I'll never do it again.

And meeting that promise with every fiber in your body and then you're drunk again. And then you see that look in their eye, that look that says, why did you do it? You promised you weren't going to do it.

I think that's the alcoholic death that Bill talks about. to be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live by spiritual principles. I think that's what I was being asked that morning, but I didn't have a clue.

I had that morning what I know this morning was a moment of clarity because as clear as I knew anything, I knew if I went to jail one more time, I would either die in the institution or I become institutionalized for life. I didn't know why I knew it, but I knew it. I took the alternative.

I left the courtroom and I drank for three more months. In retrospect, I could tell you I didn't drink a greater quantity. Physically, it had been impossible to drink a greater quantity of alcohol.

But I drank with a sense of urgency and a desperation I had never known. And on October 4th, 1975, I accessed God's grace. And I couldn't have told you I did that that day.

But I can tell you this morning that that's exactly what happened to me. Because you see, I never tried to not drink. I never tried to control my drinking.

I never tried to I just always drank and never tried to not drink. And yet on October 4th, 1975, I woke up and I didn't take a drink of alcohol. And I didn't take a drink that entire day.

And the next day, I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't know what ANA was. I thought it was something like the parents without partners.

And uh and a lot of days it is, but um I had no idea what you people were going to do to me or for me. I heard two things in that meeting. I heard we don't drink between meetings.

I didn't see any of you drinking in the meeting. And I thought if you don't drink in the meeting, you don't drink between the meetings. When do you drink?

I don't know how that impacts you, but it made me nervous. The other thing I heard was that the answers were in that book, Alcoholics Anonymous. So after the meeting, I stole the book.

I mean, God knows I need to have the answers. I can't tell you how irritated I was. Not only could I not find the answers in that book, I couldn't even find the questions.

And I thought, "Oh, dear God, I've stolen the wrong book, and I'm have to go back and get the right one." And it's humiliating for a thief to have stolen the wrong book. So, uh, Wednesday with 5 days of sobriety, I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous to get the answer book. It's the only reason I came back.

I don't think it matters what your motives are, what your intentions are, what your desires are. I think what's important is what your actions are. Wednesday with four days of sobriety, I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous to get the answer book, and I've been coming back ever since.

My court program said I had to go to two meetings a week. I thought that was really obsessive. Um, but I was willing to go to any length to stay out of jail.

So, I would come here and I would sit with you. And I wasn't a kind, sweet newcomer. I was the newcomer in the back of the room that would stand up while the speaker was talking.

I'd tell the speaker exactly what I thought of them. It was usually profanities, but I hung them together in such a way it sounded like a sentence. And somebody in front of me would turn around and smile and say, "Keep coming back." And I'd flip her off and wave my court card and tell her I didn't have a choice.

I carry a knife in my boot. If you irritated me, I'd throw it at the literature rack. always aimed at the piece of literature, a member's eye view, and didn't always hit it, but um and that and pretty, this isn't the bedrock of mental health, but pretty soon you weren't coming up to me.

People weren't approaching me anymore. Um but you tolerated me. And I'm so grateful that you understood the traditions.

I'm so grateful that you didn't throw me away. You just kept telling me to keep coming back. I think you meant to another meeting, but um you just kept and I sat here and I listened to your stories.

And I listened to your stories. I'm eternally grateful that the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous got to this podium and shared their story. They didn't come up here and say, "I'm not going to tell you what it used to be like.

We all know how to drink." They came here and they shared their story. I needed to hear their story because without me giving my permission and without me knowing it was happening, their alcoholism was touching mine. Eight and a half months away from my last drink, your alcoholism woke mine up.

Eight and a half months away from my last drink, I was in the worst pain that I had ever been in. the pain of not drinking and not recovering. Eight and a half months away from my last drink, that pain drove me to my knees and on my knees, I admitted to my innermost self that I was alcoholic.

And the book says this is the first step in recovery. I admitted to my innermost self that I was alcoholic. Selfish and self-centered.

It's the nature of my disease. Selfish and self-centered. I hear people say, "Let us love you until you can love yourself." I have loved myself entire life.

My message is, "Let us love you until you can love somebody else." selfish and self-centered. It's the root of my problem. I think the greatest I'm almost out of time so I'm going faster using more oxygen and uh but I need to share this because I think the most important prayer I think the most powerful prayer we have in Alcoholics Anonymous is the sevenstep prayer.

The sevenstep prayer says something to this effect. It says take all of me good and bad. How powerful is that for an alcoholic of my nature?

Take it all good and I don't have to judge it anymore. Is it a good thing, a bad thing, a right thing, a wrong thing, my will, or God's will? Who cares?

Take it all. Leave me with this. Leave me with what I need to be of service to you and my fellows.

How powerful is that? Selfish and self-centered. That's who I am at my core.

I have come here and done very little. I admitted to my innermost self that I was alcoholic. I came to believe the people in AA were telling me the truth.

I made a decision to do what you said you had done. I wrote about my favorite topic, me. I bored somebody for about an hour and a half listening to it.

And as a result, I'm in a position where all I care about is being of service to God and my fellows. How powerful is that? And it's so incredibly simple.

And I think too many people miss it. Eight and nine were conventional ways of getting rid of conventional guilt. I felt guilty because I was guilty.

I did a lot of things to a lot of people for one more drink. And it wasn't just saying sorry. It was about living my life different.

And I don't know how to live. This is the only way I know how to live. But you know how to live different.

So you come here and you share how to be a daughter and not take a drink and how to be a mother and not take a drink. And how to be a friend and not take a drink and how to be an employee and not take a drink. And you allow me to take your experience out into the world and live it.

And it becomes my experience. I am the woman I am this morning because the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous have shared their experience with me. 10, 11, and 12 keep me in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous.

10 says, "The process is powerful. Keep using it. Keep writing about it, talking about it.

Ask God to remove the defect. Make amends if necessary. And then the most important part and the part we so often forget.

Turn your attention to somebody you can help. What is it I can do for you? How can I be of service?

My prayer in the morning is simply, "Thy will be done. I truly believe the rest of the day is God's business." My prayer at night is a little scarier offered to anybody who'd like to use it. My prayer at night is, "Dear God, please have people treat me tomorrow exactly the way I treated people today." And when I know I'm going to say that prayer tonight, it will hold me in goodstead.

I won't flip you off on the freeway anymore. And I don't live my life as much out of virtue as I do knowing I'm going to say that prayer. And step 12 is the greatest gift you've ever given me.

An opportunity to take a little of my past and give it to another alcoholic and look into her eyes and say, "Honey, you don't have to live that way anymore. Take my hand, come with me, sit in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. My life today is beyond my wildest imagination.

My son, who was 11 months old, when I got sober, I brought him here with me. You taught him everything he knows. Uh but he had a journey he had to go on.

He went to places where alcoholic men go. And he did things that no human being should do. And 13 years ago, I called a man and said, "My son needs help." And he and he knew the traditions.

He didn't say, "Tell the boy to call me." He said, "Where is he?" And he got the address and he picked up my son and he brought him to the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. A little over nine years ago, my grandson was born. I was there when he was born.

The doctor of this head was born. And the doctor turned the head and I looked into the eyes of God. And at that point for 31 years, I realized you have allowed me to stand here and look into the eyes of God.

I had built a wall between me and you to keep you out because I don't want to be hurt. And one brick at a time, you have taken that wall down. And you have taught me how to love you.

And as a result, my grandson was born. He walked into my heart and he changed my life. I have never loved a human being as I love as much as I love him.

And I know I'm out of time, but I want to tell you this. If you said to me, I'll give you a shot of Jack Daniels if you give me Eden, my grandson, I'm not going to give you my grandson for a shot at Jack Daniels. If you said, I'll give you a quart of Jack Daniels if you give me your grants.

I'm not going to give them to you for a court. I'll give you a case. I'm not going to give them to you for a case.

I'll give you the distillery if you give me your grants. I'm not giving them to you. But I'll tell you this, if I have one shot of Jack Daniels, I will give him up this quick for the second one.

And so I stay in the middle of you. When I was four days sober, an old man told me if I didn't drink, I wouldn't get drunk. And if I didn't get drunk, my life would get different.

If he didn't lie to me from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, I've never had it so good. I want to ask you, please, when we pray tonight, please keep my nephew Ryan in your prayers. He's 27 years old.

He's in a hospital dying of pancreatitis as a direct direct result of alcoholism. He's got me and he's got my son as his examples. Uh but he needs your prayers.

He needs your prayers in order to hear the access God's grace. Please pray for Ryan and we take a a minute at the end of the meeting. And I'll end with this.

I end with it because it's we heard it when chapter 5 was read. It's a line in chapter 5 that says there is one who has all power. That one is God.

May you find him now. Thank you. You can repeat the question.

Okay, questions. My favorite part. I love questions.

Questions. Bye now. Questions?

No. Qu I could have kept Yes. Your parents were they alcoholics?

My parents alcoholic? I don't know. My father My father left when uh my mother was pregnant with me, which uh scarred my entire life and I carried the message of there's something terribly wrong with me.

Uh my own father couldn't stick around. So that message fueled a lot of my alcoholism, but I don't know if he's a alcoholic. My mother uh was not alcoholic.

My mother was a major untreated alanon of the controlling variety. I think if you have an untreated Alanon, you need to have the enabling variety. But uh uh my stepfather uh is an al is a ra was a raging alcoholic.

So I had alcoholism in the home if that's what you're asking. But whether it's genetic or not, I don't know. I just love to drink.

I don't I'd like to blame COPD on my mother, but I can't. I don't doubt I can blame my alcoholism. Alcoholic.

Hi. I'm just curious about your career. Did you ever go back to writing?

You're curious about my career. Um I didn't I I got uh they didn't want me back after I got sober and made amends. I thought how rude of them.

Everybody else was coming to AA and getting their job back as CEO of Bank of America. at 30 days and I couldn't even get a pitly little job as a reporter back. But uh of course I had I was angry and had resentments and complained to my sponsor a lot, which is another reason you guys need sponsors, somebody to complain to.

Um complained to her a lot. Um and what happened for me is God opened doors that I wasn't I wasn't uh paying attention. I think if you're working a program of Alcoholics Anonymous, my experience is God will open doors.

and God opened doors and I wasn't paying attention and I started walking through the doors as uh doing favors for somebody or something and as a result I've had a career for the last 25 years uh in treatment and I never wanted to work in treatment but I've had a career for 25 years doing that. Okay. Yes.

Over here. How do you uh have you've ever had any long-term resentment? And if so, how how do you get rid of a resentment?

Have I ever had a long-term resentment? and how do I get over it? Um, I don't know what you mean by I've had long-term resentments.

Anything over an hour for me is long term. Um, including relationships, but but uh um I think the the way that I deal with resentments is uh twofold. There's a prayer there's a story in the book that talks about praying for the person for two weeks and pray that they get everything they have everything you want.

That's a little tough at the beginning of the resentment. I do it with clenched teeth and knowing God knows it's just a joke. But um uh but I do that.

I pray for the person and then but what works most effectively for me with resentments is I turn my attention to somebody I can help. I find another newcomer. I work with another woman.

I start going through the book with another woman. When I'm going through the book with another alcoholic, that resentment, whatever it is, it sort of loses its fire and it sort of dissipates. But I think resentments, I think we all get them.

Do you remember if there was like a particular time that you realized that AA might just work? Was there a particular time I realized AA might work? I think when I was 8 and a half months sober and I admitted to my innermost self that I was alcoholic.

I think I knew that it worked at that point. Um I never but I didn't jump into the steps willingly and help you know like anxiously. I've always argued about every step before I worked it.

I've always looked for other ways around it because, you know, I'm intelligent. I looked for other ways rather than do the step and then I would do the step and I'd come to AA and report how magical it was cuz it works. Like I had made that up my own self.

But uh I knew it worked. I knew it worked. I just uh I just resisted a little bit.

But I'm 40 years sober, which says you if you don't drink, you can resist it all you want. Yes. Hi, Tanya.

I knew you were familiar back there. What treatment center do I work at now? Um, I worked at Tetstones, which is a residential treatment for adolescence for 23 years.

And speaking of long-term resentments, until I was forced to resign. Um, I didn't want to resign. I was forced to resign.

So, I had a long-term resentment about that one. and uh really didn't get over it until I confronted my uh my the my the CEO who forced me to resign and made him incredibly uncomfortable and that kind of took care of the resentment for me. Um and so currently I currently I uh I contract and I work I contract as a consultant for several treatment centers.

Yes, darling. Did you ever have um uh did you ever have any interaction with the last judge that sentenced you that gave you that amazing break? Did I ever have any interaction with the last judge who sentenced me and gave me the amazing break?

I don't think he knew it was an amazing break. Um I did go back and when I was 5 years sober, I went and took him to lunch and gave him my 5-year chip. Um and thanked him for offering me the alternative.

And he was really grateful because that program that I went through, he had offered that program to a lot of people. And and quite frankly, the sad news is uh very few of us stay sober. Those of you who are in treatment this morning, I want you to know that very few of you are going to stay sober.

And you can be the one who does. I was the one voted most likely to not succeed. Um and out of that group, I'm the only one who maintained um consistent sobriety.

So, you can be most likely to not succeed and be sober, but I think it's important to go back to judges. I've gone back to all the pro police officers and made amends. Um, I think it's important for it was important for me.

Hi. In the last 40 years that you've been so have you noticed that aa has steered away from tradition and if so, okay, this is the last question. So, um, has AA gone away from the traditions over 40 years?

U my and this is just my opinion. So don't throw stones at me and don't come argue with me after the meeting because I have to go to the bathroom. So So I can't have long arguments after the meeting.

But um I'm I'm afraid it has. I'm afraid that we've stepped away from singleness of purpose. I'm afraid that we've tried to be too inclusive um and that we're moving away from what our primary purpose is.

I think that we are um we are expecting more from newcomers than they uh than they you know when it says uh don't give a newcomer your phone number take theirs because they're not going to call you uh take their number and call them. I think we need to we were always more proactive uh when I was new. Uh but I think the singleness of purpose is the biggest uh veering from the traditions that I've seen and it's and it's really frightening to me.

Wow. Thank you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.

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