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Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. >> Good evening.

Uh, my name is Paul and I'm actually a very mild alcoholic. things that Max said were grossly exaggerated. Truth is that uh at the time she was talking about I wasn't even an alcoholic.

Didn't I was I didn't become an alcoholic until I'd been coming to these meetings for 7 months. Wasn't funny. It was a changed my life dramatically.

Uh I uh I'm glad to be here. I'm really glad to be here. I've had a wonderful weekend already and it's just now getting started.

Uh for the rest of you, uh Denny and Phyllis were our hosts and hostess. And uh we've had a wonderful time and really enjoyed it. Everybody should have a chance to be hosted by them at least once in your life.

and uh had a great meeting this morning at 7:00 and I'm just delighted with that and uh looking forward to a great weekend and particularly want to looking forward to Earl's talk tomorrow night and uh stand up and wave to the people. Earl, I know you'd love that. Come on.

Come on. Stand up. >> Too bad you can't see the blush that I can see.

>> >> Oh jeez, I just made a terrible blunder. Uh, one of the things I learned early in AA is that uh you never smart mouth anybody who is going to follow you to the podium. Oh dear.

I was uh it was interesting the way the U Kristen opened the meeting with the serenity prayer. Uh it reminded me I was went to Colorado one time to talk. They were having a uh fundraiser and it was the second year that they had had it and the first year it was on a Saturday afternoon.

They had a a meal at noon and then followed by a speaker and other stuff. And uh the first year they had 150 people and they were quite happy with it but wanted to have it uh again and uh but and they asked us to asked me to come and talk and then uh what happened was the fellow that was setting it up doing the work got what they he called a resentment. Uh I don't know if you have those here in this area.

Uh but he quit and called it off. Well, that made everybody in town have a resentment that he called it off. And they decided he couldn't do that by God, they were going to set it up and do it themselves.

And instead of having 150 people, they had shoot for 300. Well, they worked so hard that they uh had 500 come to the thing. And what that did was that put a strain on the caterer.

It was a catered meal. And cater said, "But it's okay. He could do it.

It was just take him a little extra time to get it ready." And the other the other problem was that the the local minister was supposed to come and uh read the invocation and he hadn't shown up. And so that way they solved that was they went to one of the old-timers and uh ask him uh would if the minister doesn't show up, would the old-timer give the invocation? And the old-timers said, "Well, uh yeah, yeah, he would do that." and he started thinking in terms of what he would say.

Meanwhile, the caterer is working and getting things going and the alcoholics are getting hungrier and hungrier and uh the old-timer is making notes on what he's going to write on his invocation. And finally, the caterer says, "Well, the food's ready. We can serve now." And the alcoholics all wanted to go.

No, no, they said, "You can't eat now. You have to have the invocation first." And so they called up the old-timer to come and give the invocation before they could eat. and he got up there and he started to read and the first word was the word God and they all recited the serenity prayer and ran for the food.

Yeah. I I don't know what the moral of that story is. I I guess that if you're ever when you're an old-timer, if they ask you to give an invocation, don't bring God into it too soon.

They um anyhow we're glad to be here. People asked if we drove up or flew and I said we flew up and the first if you fly someplace one of the first things people ask you is did you have a nice trip and you have a nice flight and what we had happened on this flight was uh there were two flight attendants uh a man and a woman a boy and a girl and they were going down the aisle with the cart giving the the drinks out And they were right by us and he served us. And then he turned to the man in the seat behind me and he said, "What would you like to drink, sir?" and gave him his peanuts and napkin.

And he said, "He would like some white wine." And she went through her cart, didn't find any white wine. And she turned to the man, attendant, and said to him, "Do we have any white wine?" And this is all happening right here beside us. And the man said, "No, we don't have any white wine, but we have plenty of red wine." And so the woman, the woman attendant, turned to the man behind me and she said, "Sir, we don't have any white wine.

Would you like red wine?" And he had to think about it. Yeah. Yeah.

And until he until I until he got to thinking about that, I hadn't realized, you know, what a serious social blunder it would be to drink the wrong color wine, you know, with airline peanuts, you know, which actually actually brings me to Uh uh I'd like to ask a favor of somebody. I've been looking for somebody who is planning a slip. Uh the what it is is that you know all the airlines have a a magazine they put out and and American Airlines it's I think it's American way American way or something and in this magazine I was reading through it.

One of the department things was this this gal writes the thing every issue on the the best buys and she'll talk about the best audio and the best video and the best play and the best movie and the best book and the best this and the best that and under the best drinks she has the thing under the best wines. And what she said was that the 1992 Napa Valley Chardonnese have a crisp pear apple flavor with a touch of clove at the end. Now, what I'm looking for is somebody somebody who's planning on going out there anyway.

I really It's It's And remember, it's the 1992 Napa Valley Chardonnese. I'm I I don't really care too much about the crisp pear apple flavor. But I really would like to know, does it really leave you with a touch of clove at the end?

Thunderbird never left me with a pillow. Thunder. Thunderbird was my favorite white wine.

And Ripple was my favorite red wine, you know. So any if you're out there, would you check? It's not worth me going out to check it out.

Not worth me going. In fact, in fact, I have net a drink. The last day of last month was my birthday.

It was my 30th birthday. I And it Oh, no. No.

You're no you're nowhere near as impressed as I am. Uh 30 years is the longest I have ever gone without a drink. You know 30 years is a long time between drinks for me.

You know the part about it too is 30 years without a drink and I'm not even thirsty. Yeah. And you know, when I was drinking, I was always thirsty.

It seems like nothing makes me thirstier than having a drink. Alcoholism is is a self-perpetuating thirst. Uh and uh the best way to not be thirsty is to not drink.

And that it took me a long time to figure that one out. Doesn't make sense. And um actually one one thing I noticed, we we didn't ask for newcomers.

Could we see the hands of the people with less than in their first year of sobriety? Everybody with Oh my goodness. Look.

>> Oh my goodness. Wonderful. That's wonderful.

That's wonderful. The place is crawling with them. Uh we love that.

We love that. Uh we love to have newcomers. I mean, uh, Chuck, I said Chuck, his name was Bill.

Bill W, one of the two, they haven't been around long. You know, people are always changing their name. Every time I learn what their name is, they change it.

uh Bill Dub, one of the two uh founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, uh wrote said someplace that was written that I I read that he he had said he said that the carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, carrying the message that alcoholism is a a disease and that AA is a spiritual answer to that disease. carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, he said, is our primary aim and the chief reason for our existence. And I thought, God, that's those are pretty strong words.

Our primary aim and the chief reason for our existence. And then and and then I got the word our but does he talk about us as individuals or us as groups or both? But apparently carrying the message is the most important thing we do.

and and one of the main ways or most common ways of carrying the message is by filling seats in an AA meeting and participating being part of it and and carrying the message to newcomers especially and to each other even and uh it's particularly fun to carry the message to the newcomers. I'd keep coming back to AA even if it wasn't keeping me sober just to see what happens to the newcomers. It's it's exciting to see the thing the change that takes place in the people when they get sober and how when the Alanons sober up.

Uh they so so we're you newcomers they say you're the lifeblood of the party and you're the most important in people in the room and all that crap. Actually I'm the most important but so we're really glad you're here. In fact, we're so glad you're here that we don't care whether you're glad you're here.

As a matter of fact, if you're really new here tonight and you're just really happy happy happy to be here, we may not be able to help you. Uh at least at least not until you get off of whatever you're on, you know. That's why they say keep coming back, you know.

And uh so anyhow, we're glad you're here and uh I'm glad to be here. And uh I talk about me being the most important person in the room. You thought I was kidding, but I'm not.

Uh we have a one of our new meetings there. We have started a topic discussion meeting and the format is for the leader. We pick a leader for each week and the leader comes in with a topic and then we talk on that topic for an hour.

And this gal came in and she announced that her topic was going to be uh uh bondage of self. And I thought that's a dumb topic. Uh she won't get anybody to participate with that.

Well, she did. And uh I thought of a lot of good things and they didn't even call on me. Uh but you know that bondage of self I hadn't paid much attention to that until she said that and I got to thinking about it and um that bondage yourself uh I I came to realize that I am basically the most interesting person I know.

Uh I really find me fascinating. Uh, I I love to think about me. And somebody asked me the other night says, "Well, have you figured out what you're going to talk about tomorrow night?" I says, "Yeah, me." You know, I love to think about where I've been and where I wish I'd been, where I wish I hadn't been, things I've done, things that I wish I hadn't done, things I maybe do, things that going to happen, things might not happen, things to worry about.

You I I'd love to think about me. Uh, you are interesting, but you're nothing compared to me. I that that relieved me of bondage himself.

I mean, I hope he doesn't take that too seriously. What would you think about if you Anyhow, in fact, somebody said to me, "Do you uh you still get nervous when you're going to talk?" And I said, "Well, I don't think of it of of it as nervousness. I'd rather think of it as anticipatory anxiety." Uh, sounds a little more scientific.

And uh besides I what I do is I take I I love the the third step prayer and I u I tell God you know the third step prayer says God I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. And I modify that when I'm going to in fact the first thing in the morning before I really get out of bed I say this the serenity prayer, third step prayer and the sevenstep prayer.

And then at breakfast, Max and I say those three prayers and we do read some stuff that we read and we have a period of meditation. And then during the day, frequently if I have something I'm going to do or something that's a little bit scary or whatever, uh I'll say the third step prayer. And uh sometimes when I got nothing nothing to do, I'll say that three prayer.

But like me who I'm going to talk, I'll say, "God, I offer myself and this situation to you to do with as you wish." Now, I would like it to turn out to be phenomenally successful. I'd like to say things that will ring in their hearts forever. But if you have it in your mind that this is the night for me to make a complete fool of myself, well, at least one of us will have a good time.

And and sometimes he really has a lot of fun. Yeah. refers to it as having something to do with humility.

U and I I don't enjoy that. So anyway, I leave it up to him. And uh speaking of humility, I I think I'm really impressed with my humility.

I She bumped me. I'm proud of my humility. I think I hand handle things very well.

Anyhow, um I guess that's enough for the introduction. I should get into my story. Uh, I was born uh November 3rd, 1918.

It was a uh cold and blustery night. I remember thinking to myself, I I wasn't talking very much. Then I I remember thinking to myself, what am I doing here?

Why wasn't I consulted on this? Yeah. And I think I carried that thought the rest of my life.

And I u I used to drink social drinking. Social I I didn't have a drinking problem. I was neurotic.

Uh yourself. uh a uh in fact I remember uh this should be added to the things we have tried in chapter 3. Uh I was reading a medical journal and it talked about uh how carbon dioxide inhalations were good treatment for psychonurosis.

And I've always thought that I was neurotic and I came from a very neurotic family. I used to endear myself to my family by telling them how neurotic I thought we all were and u uh not alcoholics but neurotics and I thought this is this this carbon dioxide inhalation should be good for me. Uh what it is is carbon dioxide is the thing that makes you breathe.

It's be it's the thing that keeps you from holding your breath longer than you can hold it. Isn't lack of oxygen. It's the fact that your body builds up carbon dioxide.

It makes you breathe. And if you hyperventilate, you're over breathing. You're blowing off the carbon dioxide and you feel breathless, but actually you need to hold your breath or breathe in the plastic bag and accumulate the carbon dioxide.

I'm going to send you all a bill on this. You don't get all this physiological instructions for nothing. Uh but anyhow, when you're breathing carbon dioxide and you keep breathing too much of it, you breathe faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and deeper and deeper and deeper and the lights flash and the bells ring and you go blind and you it just goes things get louder and louder and louder and all of a sudden your brain explodes and you pass out.

I thought, boy, that ought to cure something. Uh I will try that. Uh, but I couldn't see my way to going to any doctor and saying, "I'm neurotic and I want some carbon dioxide in relations.

Here's written in this medical journal." Uh, and besides, I was I'm the best doctor I knew. And uh so I I I I just called up the gas company, not not your gas company, but the gas company that sells tanks of gas and ordered a tank of carbon dioxide gas. And the guy delivers it in the big truck with these big tanks.

It was tank about so big and so big around must weigh about 250 lbs. Had it on a dolly, runs it up to the front door and says, "Where do you want this?" I said, "Well, in the master bedroom, naturally, you know, where where would you think I would want it?" You know, with a hose and a mask and a valve, you can turn it on. So, it didn't take any medical degree to know you should lie down to do this.

And you put the mask on and you turn the gas on, but you didn't have to be a genius to know you needed somebody to turn it off, you know. So, I go into the the living room and I Max is watching TV and I said, "I I'm going to take this treatment and uh I'm going to breathe faster and faster and finally my brain's going to explode and I'm going to pass out and when I pass out, will you come in and take the mask off and turn the gas off?" And she said, "I suppose Anyway, it didn't work. Um, didn't take care of my drinking problem.

I didn't have a drinking problem. I had a sleeping problem. Uh, I had a lot of marital problems.

Geez, Max, as she said, she uh she drove me to drink for 28 years. Uh, in fact, u, as we were growing up, we we've known each other since we were four years old. and the Gansline boys, her uncles that were alcoholics and they were always getting put their name in the Alliance Review and put in jail for common drunk.

And as we were growing up, my parents did not the least bit happy for me all the time playing with the Ganslang girl. They were afraid that when we grew up that we might get married and I might turn out to be an alcoholic. And by God, they were right.

Uh, mo, it's not really funny. Most people people don't know how they got to be an alcoholic. I do.

I'm an alcoholic by marriage. See, and so anyhow, uh, yeah, we had our problems here and there and I had it caused me to have trouble sleeping. I used to uh I I found out that I could when I went to pharmacy school, I found out that night I'd work go to school all day, work in the drugstore all evening and then study all through the evening and then uh jump in bed and everything I'd been studying had been running through my brain and in the morning I'd be both tired and stupid.

And um I found that I could uh drink a couple of beers, jump in bed, sleep real fast, and wake up smart. And uh that's how I got through pharmacy school, drinking more and more. And as the time went by, I found it took more and more to get me to sleep and it kept me asleep for a shorter and shorter period of time.

So I had to repeat whatever I had taken to get to sleep. And uh then I that increased to the point where it was harder and harder to get up in the morning. And u uh then and finally uh I started taking uh amphetamines to get going in the morning.

I shouldn't mention drugs. This isn't a anything. But I feel I do owe them at least an honorable mention.

Uh I don't know that I could have had the stamina to have completed my prea training period if it hadn't been did they did tend to affect my voice and that I sometimes couldn't I affected my hearing and that I couldn't listen fast enough to hear what I was saying. Uh, I think my god what are you saying that again for you already said it again. I don't know.

It just sounds so good. I think I'll say it again. You know that's you have to take and finally the ultimate of trying to working on a sleeping problem.

That's a really good that's an oxymoron if I ever heard one. Working on a sleeping bound because if you're working on your sleeping problem and you find something that works, you got to think, "Oh man, what was that and I got to remember what that was so I can do it again." you know, and you're you're constantly alert to see whether or not you're sleeping. And and the the epitome of that was that I finally was shooting Amatl at night in order to get to sleep at night.

I would go through the day taking pills and in the evening drinking and then it was time to go to Betty and I would go to keep my the aml or penithol or anything at all. Uh I'd keep it in my bag and the bag in the car in the car in the garage. in the garage, thank God, was attached to the house.

And I'd go out and I'd try to I'd mix up the stuff and get it in the syringe. And I'd then I try to figure out how much of I had to take out of the uppers and how much of the downers, how much I can squirt in, take it out, take it on, throw, throw it in the bag, throw in the bag in the car, slam the car door, and run down the hall so I could jump in bed. And it was very tricky to judge it.

It was took a lot of experience. Wasn't entirely practical. Uh cuz the least little bit too much and it just zing right under the car, you know.

But that wasn't too bad. The worst part was the least little bit not enough. And I'd squirt it in, take it out, take it, throw in the back, throw in the back car, slam the car door, run down the hall, jump in bed, nothing would happen.

You know, half measures got me nowhere at all on the thing. And and even when it did work, when I did get just the right dose, uh you know, you take the needle out, you're supposed to put a a band-aid on and keep a antiseptic and all that. I didn't have time for that.

I I didn't have time to put band-aid on. So, I would put my arm up like this and hope hope that the gravity would take out take care of it. And I do all this onehanded, throw it in the car and run down the hall.

And I run down the hall with one arm up the hair. And I'd run into Max and try to act casual, you know. it it's act actually it's hard to be casual when you're in a hurry and it's a and anyhow I ended up in the nut ward that's what I did uh the uh I remember sitting there in the nut ward they they wanted me to make leather belts um In fact, at that particular hospital, there were fanatics.

Fanatics on leather belts. Uh, you can't graduate. I'll bet if they had a Senate investigation, they'd find their people been there for years and they won't let them out till they make something useful.

And they wanted me to make leather belt. And I uh they tried to convince me that the quality of my life would improve if I learned how to make leather belts. I I said I I told him I said I have a whole wall I have a wall full of licenses and certificates and diplomas and papers to prove that I've been educated way beyond my level of intelligence.

And and I don't see how making leather belts would improve my life in any way. I didn't understand the philosophy and besides I didn't understand the instructions. Uh, which is not my fault.

That's fault that dumb occupational therapist cuz I've always known if you don't understand thing well enough you can explain to me so I understand then you don't understand as well as you're supposed to. And um she'd explained it to me three times and I wasn't going to embarrass her by asking her a fourth time. So I was sitting there in the nut ward commiserating with commiserating with myself of what's a nice guy like me doing in a place like this, you know.

And this dumb psychiatrist who couldn't see that my problems were strictly marital walked up behind me and wanted to know would I be willing to talk to a man from Alcoholics Anonymous. And I thought, my god, don't I have enough problems of my own without trying to help some drunk from AA? I could tell by the look in his face that he thought it was a good idea.

And I decided right there that happiness on the nut wart is having a happy psychiatrist. And I said, "Yes." And in no time at all, this clown comes galloping into the room yelling at the top of his voice, "My name is Frank and I'm an alcoholic. I was I was embarrassed for him meeting a perfect stranger and the only thing he could think about to talk about himself was he was an alcoholic for God's sake.

Fact everything he said he said in a loud voice. Us drunks and us alcoholics and alcoholics anonymous. I thought my god man why don't you lower your voice?

These people all think I'm a nut. Why don't we leave it at that? And Another thing I didn't like about the nut ward is they wouldn't let you stay in bed in the morning.

You had to get out of bed and if you wouldn't go and make moccasins and you had their leather belts, you had to go and sit in the day room. And the day room is a big room and one whole wall was glass. And on the other side of the glass was the sidewalk to the main entrance of the hospital, which was right there.

And I could just see my patients walking by looking in. Oh, hello Dr. Paul.

How are things in the nut ward? You know, anyhow, this Frank told this loudmouththed story. I don't remember long and on very interminable story.

And I don't he finally it's I don't remember anything he said, but I know it ended by him saying, "Well, that's my story. I'm going to a meeting tonight. would you like to go along?

And I said, "Hell no, I won't like it, but I'll go." And we went. And I have no idea what meeting we were at. In fact, I don't know how many meetings we went to before I knew what meeting we were at, but I knew that meeting had a profound effect.

It had a profound effect on the psychiatrist. Uh, now he was suspiciously very interested. Uh, want to know what's this about a book?

Uh, what's this about? uh meetings, how often do they have meetings? What's this about steps?

What other kind of meetings do they have? When do you go into another meeting? And I thought, my god, I've got me an alcoholic psychiatrist.

He's ashamed to go, so he's sending me, you know, so I wanted to go to every meeting I could so I could get enough brownie points to get out of that dump. And uh I told Frank I wanted to go every night. Frank was good about that.

Uh except for one Friday night. Friday night he didn't know that he would be going. He thought maybe on Friday night he might have a date with uh Carolyn.

And I thought, well, that's a hell of a way to run an organization. And I reported him to the psychiatrist who got somebody else to take me on Friday night. And I finally got enough brownie points and I got discharged from the hospital and I had no intention of going back.

Why would I go back? I wasn't an alcoholic. The only problem was that Max liked the meetings.

And u of course once I found that out, I threatened her if she didn't shape up. I wouldn't go to AA anymore. And I said that once too often.

And she did what she couldn't do. She drove down Laguna Beach from Manheim. Went by herself.

Went to me by herself. She couldn't drive the freeway. She didn't know how to get that far.

She did it anyway. She went off, went to the am means by herself. Have you ever tried that?

You ever tried sitting at home on a Saturday night drinking while your non-alcoholic spouse is off laughing it up at an AA meeting? I found it boring. Uh, I had to go back to meetings, find out what they were laughing about.

I found out the alkalikes laugh at anything. Yeah. Laugh at nothing.

Uh laugh just to be laughing. Then I sat there trying to figure it out seven months and I ended up going to one meeting too many. And one night I laughed with him.

Haven't had a drink since. Okay. Yeah, laughter.

Laughter is very uh spiritual to me. In fact, I'm convinced that my higher power laughs. My higher power laughs every time he hears alcoholics in Alanon's laugh.

Even if he doesn't understand a joke, just enjoys the laughter. And uh so I've been coming back ever since. And uh when I first became an alcoholic, I was just very very mild alcoholic.

Very mild, just almost a non-alcoholic. But know I had to keep coming to meetings in order to drink. I was in fact I decided that uh uh I came into this thing um embarrassed to be here.

I said here I saw my condom at the bottom of the social barrel and I had this overwhelming sense of failure in all areas of my life and I turned into an alcoholic and I found out I had to become an alcoholic in order to quit drinking. And then I thought, you know, if I'm going to be an AA if I failed in everything else, I ought to at least succeed in this for God's sake. You can't if you can't get any lower than this, you got to at least succeed here.

And u I decided I wanted to be a successful member of AA. Simple request it seemed to me. And uh I didn't make a pact with anybody else, just with myself.

I decided going to be a successful member of AA. In fact, I even went so far at that time they talked about stick with the winners. Stick with the winners.

Stick with the winners. They said otherwise if we're going to stick with the winners, ought to find out what a winner is. So I asked Chuck C.

He'd been sober 100 years or so and he knew everything. And uh I said I said, "What's a winner?" And I was surprised when he had to had to think about it. And he said, "Well, I guess you have to die sober." And I thought, "Die sober?

God, that reminded me of how I used to plan on being one of the saints." Uh h how yourself. I uh I was really going to do it. I went and got the book, Lives of the Saints.

Big thick book. I was reading up. I decided which one was going to be my role model.

I was going to be a saint and trying to pick my role model till I found out that the final thing about being a saint. You can't be declared a saint until you've been dead 300 years. And I thought, well, screw that.

You know, I've never been happy about anything you have to die to get the accolades for. So, I lost my saintthood. And I uh I thought, well, if I have to die to be a winner, I'll just be a successful member of AA.

And over the years, I've changed my little bit what my criteria is to be a successful member of AA, but I don't know any successful members of AA who drink. And um then I found out that if I want to keep from drinking, I've got to keep going to meetings. Takes a lot of meetings to keep from drinking.

But the more I went to meetings, the more I realized that if I want to stay sober, I've got to work the steps to stay sober. And then once I worked the steps, I kept going going to meetings and working the steps and seeing what was going on around me. And I found there are a lot of people, seems to me a lot, who go to meetings long enough to stay sober to find out they have to work steps in order to stay sober and work the steps, then find out they don't need the meetings anymore and end up getting drunk after 15, 20, 30, 40 years.

So, I thought, I've got to do both. I need to keep on with the meetings and keep on with the steps in order to stay sober. And I've been doing that long and it's been working real well for me.

And I uh plan to keep that up. I keep on plan to keep on doing what I'm doing. And uh I I I I was going to say I enjoy working the steps and I stumbled over that.

Um well only in the sense that uh it's not working the steps isn't always fun fun. But I enjoy the life that I get from living from doing the steps. I and I um I've gotten involved in the pamphlet on how to study the first 164 pages of the book and how to do the steps when you come to it.

It's not a step study, it's a step do it. And being involved with that as a part of that, I redo the I have redone the steps. It turns out about every five years.

And what my experience is that every time I've done that, I've moved to a new plateau in my sobriety. I'm not saying that's what anybody else should do. I know a lot of people say you do the steps once and that's all and you do the maintenance steps and there other people say you do the steps every year.

I don't care what you do. I'm just saying what I do and what has worked for me and I like it that way and u I enjoy the steps. I I I touched on the third step before and I really enjoy the third step turning my will and my life over the care of God.

And I tell him, "God, uh, you take my life and do what you want with it, and I'll pedal and you steer, and for God's sake, watch where you're going. Uh, I'm I'm sick of some of the places we've been, you know, and in fact, I have at my den at my office at home, I have a a plaque like thing. It's a a photocopy of the one page of the uh magazine or the book section of the LA Times and it's a has a picture of the author and the name of the book and has a quote from the book and I have the reason have it up there because I like the quote from the book and the quote says I suppose if I'd got the job I wanted at Montgomery Ward I never would have left Illinois.

Simple enough statement. I suppose if id have gotten the job I wanted at Montgomery Ward, I would never have left Illinois. The author didn't get the job at Montgomery Ward and he didn't leave Illinois and he became a uh a sports radio sports announcer, a uh movie actor, uh a union president, the governor of California, and president of the United States.

And you know, that's so much like what we hear it. We don't get what we want, but we get what's according to God's plan. And um I need to remember uh things like that.

Uh I uh it's it's often best when I don't get my way. Uh and I um this business of enjoying working the steps. Uh I more I think of that the more I think of it.

Uh like the I it's such a profound difference. The sixth and seventh step are such so profoundly different than what I feel I was taught all my life. I was always taught as I understand it that I could have done better if id have tried harder.

All I had to do was try harder. And and and today I look back at and I was trying as hard as I could all the time. I really think I have been doing my best at every moment of my life up to and including this moment.

and so is everybody else. All if we could tried harder, we would have tried harder. But the thing that I like I always thought that it was up to me to correct my defects of character, that I should work on them, and that I should ask God to help me get rid of my defect of character.

And anything I want to do, I need to ask God to help me do what I wanted to do. That was an epitome of that was asking him to help me with my drinking problem. Help me.

Help me. for God's sake, help me. And I thought he was saying, "Screw you, Paul." Uh, but he wasn't.

What I found is that God won't won't help me. God won't help me do his will, my will. He won't help me do my will, but he's perfectly willing for me to help him do his will.

Ralking him into helping me do what I want. And it's the same way with my defects of character. I uh I I I I have to become friendly with them.

I have to become friendly with my defects. I used to fight them and they love that. They they're really energized by that.

And they I have to be become friendly with them and hope to have them removed whenever he removes them. Uh I'm having a little difficulty finding the words to what I want to say now. It's not that having difficulty knowing what I want to say because the people in my head are arguing about what I ought to be talking about.

You're sitting there very quietly and very attentive and I appreciate that people in my head are chattering away like man they're one of them says something I ought to talk about and before I can say anything about another one over here says no no don't talk about that talk about this and before I can do anything about that a third one say no no no talk about this thing and they get the fighting back and forth among themselves and it's really very distracting uh and I'm and I I think well shut up there you know and They shut up and I can't think of anything to say. And in fact, that's one of the biggest things about doing the steps and living this program. I've gotten along more.

I'm much more comfortable with them up there. I mean, I don't fight fight them anymore. They just no fighting them.

It's just I don't I don't I don't do everything they suggest. I mean, you I'm so glad you can't hear the stuff I have to listen to. A lot of this stuff is illegal and and and even more of it is lewd and I so but I don't fight them and then the things they suggest are out and ridiculous.

I don't fight them. They want Thank you for participating. Now, if you'll sit down, I'll call in somebody else, you know, and I I let I listen to everybody and then I decide what I'm going to do and how it's going to be from there.

Uh anyhow, I I really enjoy living this program and I uh and enjoy being married with Max. Max uh mentioned at the end of this year, we will have been married 58 years. We've known each other for over 70 years.

And um last December 2nd was our 57th wedding anniversary. And I told her that my gift to her for our wedding anniversary was that I was going to do everything that I could think of, everything I could think of, not everything she could think of, uh, to make our 58th year the best year of our marriage. And and every day since that time, I've reminded her of how lucky she is.

Uh, okay. >> >> that she talked she tal she mentioned about uh communication learning to communicate I have come to the conclusion I don't know if it's true or not but I do think it's true and I know it's good for me to believe that it's true and live my life as if it were true that people treat me the way I have taught them to treat me that if I don't like the way somebody's treating me. It's up to me to change my behavior rather than to try to get them to change theirs.

Um, remember one time I was at a thing on communication by Sister B. You got to get her up here if you haven't had her. Wonderful gal and hear her talk.

And she was talking about communication and she had got to a question and answer period and somebody asked the question, "What is communication?" And I thought, well, that's a stupid question. But then I was surprised when Sister B couldn't answer it. And I was not only surprised, I was disappointed when she says, "Paul, what how would you answer that?" And I I couldn't think of a good definition for interpersonal communication, but I did remember having read someplace that a measure a measure of communication is the result it produces.

A measure of your communication is the result it produces. And if you don't like the results you're getting, don't blame the other person. Blame yourself.

If you've taught them to treat you the way they're treating you, you can teach them different differently, different, whatever the right word is. Uh teach them to do it differently. Uh but anyway, and I find that a real challenge.

I uh have become very conscious of the max of my communications and communications generally. Life is basically a communication problem. I have relationships with people, places, things, and situations and communications about those relationships.

And I really think that an interpersonal rel marriage partnership, it really is a ongoing test of one's communication skills. Uh that's enough of that for God's sake. Let me say this.

I I was thinking somebody showed me a computer program that makes charts. And you use this program in a computer and you put in data and it'll make a pie chart and and cut it up in pieces and color it all and stuff like that or make a bar graph and all that fancy stuff. And I thought, well, if what would it what if I had a giant computer and put all the facts of my life into the computer with that program, what would a graph of my life look like?

And I came to the conclusion there would be like that the jello neck chart. It would be a giant V that my life started way way over there and it's going to end way way way way over there and it's a V. And from the where when I was born to in 1918 until July 31st, 1967, it was on a downhill course.

Now, it wasn't a straight line down. It was up and down. Just enough ups to keep me confused.

And when it went down, it went down where it went down the last time. And I it ended up and uh and I was a it ended up in the nut ward of the hospital I was on the staff of and that wasn't bad enough. I had to go to AA and I went to AA for seven months and one extra meeting too many.

And I I ex finally I accepted the fact that I of all people strange as it might seem and even though I had no choice in the matter, I was a mild alcoholic. And from that point on, my life's been getting better and better and better and better. And today it's far better than it's ever been.

And and and as far as I can tell, the only limit to how high it can go is how long I stay around doing the things I'm doing is keeping it going up and how with what intensity I keep doing this program. And again, it's not it's not a straight line up. It's up and down, up and down.

But even when it goes down, I know a lot of things to do to get it go back up. go to more meetings, read the book, talk to a newcomer, call people on the program, start a new meeting. That's what I can't think of anything else to do.

I go start another meeting. Uh anything, doing service, doing part of the and um reaching out to others or or doing nothing. I know that when it goes down, it's going to go back up.

Uh that's when they say, "Sit still and hurt." Or as Winnie Eddie used to say, the all-in-one speaker, she said that was the only Bible quote she ever used. She said, "The Bible says, "And it and it came to pass." She says, "The Bible did not say, "And it came to stay." It's always going to get better. And I want all I can get out of this program.

I don't think I know nobody can live long enough to get everything this program has to offer, but I want all I can get. I want all I can get. And it all started the thing that fascinates me is the the point of the be that one active acceptance of one reality changed the course of my life.

And I thought, wouldn't that be something if I would just automatically accept every reality in my life as it comes without without even evaluating it because my tendency is to decide whether or not I like it. And approval, as Max said, has I I was going to say approval has nothing to do with acceptance. It does have a lot to do with acceptance.

It's an impediment to acceptance. It's a serious or answering the question why is an impediment to acceptance because the answer to question why or why me is why why not why not you um was it Robert Schuler used to say when people ask God why they don't want an explanation they want an argument you and but my point but the thing that bothers me when I think about the the change in the direction of my life as smart as I am and as good-look, why why did it take me that long to realize that I was an alcoholic? And the only thing I can see is it has to do with that approval thing.

I didn't approve of me being an alcoholic. And I thought if you appro if you accept something that a priori means you approve of it. I mean, if you buy merchandise and obviously you must approve of it or you wouldn't have bought it or you get it home and you find out it's not what you thought it was, you don't approve of it, you don't keep it, you take it back for God's sake.

And that's the way it is out there in that world. But in God's world, in the world of reality, approval is I can't think of a single significant thing in reality of my life where anything was changed just because I didn't approve of it. Yeah.

In fact, when I picture God up there creating reality, working day and night, holidays included, working like a fiend creating reality. I can just visualize one of his messengers coming up and saying, "Oh, my God, God, we got a problem. Paul doesn't like the day we sent him." I can just see God saying, "Well, you can tell him where to go." You know, and I think that's basically that's our life.

That's what it's all about. We our job is to accept life whether we like it or not. And uh I love that line in the middle of page 132 that says uh we absolutely insist on enjoying life.

Absolutely insist on. I've read many textbook, studied many a textbook, never before ever saw a textbook on how to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, a serious medical illness, where part of the recovery was that you absolutely had to insist on enjoying your recovery. And yet that and I find if I'm not enjoying my relationship with Max, I'm not doing it right.

If I'm not enjoying my program, I'm not enjoying it right. I'm not saying we have to be happy happy happy but in AA we can enjoy AA funerals and somebody died sober I mean all kinds of things we get joy even in the the misery that we're going through uh the people in my head are arguing half of them keep telling me your time is up shut up and the other half are saying no this is fun let's sit here and talk some more but and and one of them one of keeps telling say tell them that you love them and sit down and but what I hesitate to say I love you all because when I was new I'd hear people say that and say I and I love you all and I think oh crap you don't even know me and if you did you wouldn't like me but anyway I love you all whether you like it or not thank you very much >> thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message.

Until next time, have a great day. >>