AA Speaker – Peter M. – Toronto, Canada – 2012
AA speaker Peter M. shares his story from hitting bottom on the streets of Manhattan to finding permanent sobriety through God, sponsorship, and the 12 Steps. A 24-year recovery journey.
Peter M. from Brooklyn, New York hit bottom homeless and suicidal outside the Port Authority in Manhattan before God connected him with his father on June 23rd, 1988. In this AA speaker tape recorded in Toronto, Peter walks through 24 years of sobriety centered on spiritual experience, working the steps with a sponsor, and living a life of service and surrender to God’s will rather than white-knuckling through meetings without transformation.
Peter M., a recovered alcoholic from New York, shares how he went from six treatment centers and life on the streets to finding permanent sobriety through surrender to God and rigorous step work with a sponsor. This AA speaker tape emphasizes spiritual transformation over mere abstinence, arguing that real recovery requires ongoing prayer, meditation, sponsorship, and a life of service to others. Peter discusses how staying spiritually fit through steps 10, 11, and 12—daily inventory, prayer, and carrying the message—keeps him protected and free from the obsession to drink.
Episode Summary
Peter M. opens his talk with a striking premise: 24 years sober, he still doesn’t know where his spiritual journey is heading—and he’s grateful for that uncertainty. This AA speaker from New York built his recovery not on willpower or meeting attendance alone, but on a relationship with God that began in desperation and deepened through rigorous work with his sponsor.
The core of Peter’s message challenges a widespread attitude in the fellowship: that simply not drinking and going to meetings is enough. He’s direct about it. His sponsor asked him early on where he was in the work—had he completed amends? Was he doing prayer and meditation? Was he sponsoring anyone? Peter found many in recovery white-knuckling their way through sobriety, still driven by fear, still manipulating and lying, just without a substance in their system. That’s not recovery, he argues. That’s just a dry drunk.
Peter’s bottom came after six treatment centers, homelessness, and failed suicide attempts. He describes waking up in a filthy hallway in lower Manhattan, 130 pounds, unable to get sober and unable to die. In that moment of clarity, he didn’t think about steps or meetings or God. He just thought, “I don’t want to die.” He called his father—the only man he believed would come find him in that condition. His father was in Atlantic City, New Jersey, but he had what he called “a feeling in his gut” that his son was in trouble. He came. God connected the dots.
What followed was treatment number seven, almost 11 months in Minnesota, and then a sponsor who didn’t rush into step work. Instead, his sponsor told Peter to read from the preface through page 164 of the Big Book, then call if he felt like using. His sponsor would call him. But sponsorship would start after the reading. That structure—clear direction, earned trust, accountability—became the foundation of Peter’s recovery.
Peter emphasizes that real sobriety requires spiritual experience. He’s not talking about feeling good. He’s talking about a shift in consciousness, moving from the noise of the mind (fear-based, ego-driven) to a place of stillness where he can listen to God and act from God consciousness, not self-will. This is why prayer and meditation aren’t optional—they’re how we access the Sunlight of the Spirit. Without them, we’re just pretending.
He describes sponsoring people who have years sober but still can’t get past themselves. They come to him unloading decades of grievance in a single sitting, looking for him to say, “I’ll do the same thing you’re doing.” It won’t happen. Real sponsorship means the sponsor is further along spiritually, living the promises, and willing to push back when needed.
Peter’s lived this way for over two decades. He travels about 30 weekends a year doing service work—sometimes to places in snowstorms when it’s 90 degrees in South Florida. Not for applause. For service. Because when you’re living in the sunlight of the spirit, carrying the message is what you do. It’s not a bridge back to life; it’s your life. And that shift—from “I’m good, going home” to “How do I serve?”—is the difference between sobriety and recovery.
Notable Quotes
Being separated from alcohol has little to do with becoming a recovered alcoholic. Being a recovered alcoholic just means I’m separated from the substance.
I don’t come from God, I’m hearing with the mind. When I’m listening to you, I may talk about God but I’m listening with the mind and my actions reflect that.
The only place we can ever experience this power called God is a place called Stillness, which is the only place we can ever find silence rather than listening to the noise in the head like most of us do.
I don’t need to keep it green. I don’t want to remember where I come from because my mind’s the one doing it. God has set me free of that. The problem has been removed.
When we’re living and immersed with God, we don’t need to apologize for our past behavior. We should be walking examples of this power called God and nothing less than that.
Spiritual Awakening
Sponsorship
Step 12 – Carrying the Message
Hitting Bottom
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 11 – Prayer & Meditation
- Spiritual Awakening
- Sponsorship
- Step 12 – Carrying the Message
- Hitting Bottom
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
welcome to sober Sunrise a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience strength and Hope from around the world we bring you several new speakers weekly so be sure to subscribe we hope to always remain an adree podcast so if you’d like to help us remain self-supporting please visit our website at sober-remix than a sober Sunrise we hope that you enjoy today’s speaker in this segment of the afternoon our speaker will share his experience strength and hope after which time we’ll have a short break and return with the second segment at about 3:30 where Peter will talk more about steps 10 11 and 12 so to share his experience strength and hope with us I’d like to ask you to please welcome our special guest from Florida Peter M my name is Peter I’m recovered alcoholic grateful be alive and sober um thank the folks for having me up here uh Mark who’s floating around somewhere um got to see Mark’s website and interesting picture of Mark and I said I’m going to get involved with this guy and get up to Toronto may not be a good idea um but uh can you hear me okay back there no I’ll try to talk louder I have no voice I apologize but it’s good to be here and um excited about what we’re going to be talking about in the second half of this which is uh 10 11 and 12 and whenever I get to talk it usually reflects around 10 and 11 and 12 and where I am currently and what I’m doing currently and the question I always like to ask folks is when I when I uh get to sponsor them is where are you currently in the work what’s that look like um how far into amends have you gotten uh what sort of work did you do with your sponsor uh before coming to me and uh very often it’s uh uh not completing amends there is no 11-step work or very little of it uh they’re not sponsoring anyone and don’t have a sponsor and they’re pretty much uh uh uh uh going by don’t drink and go to meetings even though they eag tells them they’re in the big book of alcoholic synonymous and they’re wondering why they’re not getting well and why they they the further we get away from Step One have we move further away from step one has it driven us back into the need for power so I’m very grateful uh to share with you and report back to you uh what God has currently doing for me and what the experience has looked like since I got here uh God separated me on June 23rd 1988 from alcohol and I say for the last time because it is for the last time and I’m an an alcoholic and alcoholic synonymous and uh I’m I’m I feel grateful to be here to share in your fellowship but the school of thought that I was brought up in is we’re looking for permanent sobriety and even though our condition is 24 hours a day that’s how God put us here it’s not about keeping sober a day at a time it’s about experiencing permanent sobriety and the only way we can really get there is by experiencing the sunlight of the spirit or having a current experience with God God could and would if he was sought and what are we doing to seek this power call God am I using old experiences to keep me current am I giving lip service to this power called God do I come from a spiritual Place interpret or judge I just am it’s okay god let’s go when I get to do these things folks ask me what are you going to talk about are you nervous I I have no clue what I’m going to talk about that’s why I’m not nervous cuz the old adages in a there three talks is the one you do on the way to the meeting when you get dressed and you knock them dead right and then there’s a talk you do on the way home I should have said this and I should have said that and then there’s the talk you do which you’re never happy with anyway so the only thing I do is work with prayer meditation I go into the bunker I work with the fasting for about 4 hours before I do these and be an open vessel and God will take where he wants to take me so June 23rd 1988 God SE Separates Me from alcohol and I had no clue what this journey was going to look like and 24 years later I still don’t and I don’t want to get involved would have in my hands on a spiritual journey you can’t start a spiritual process with the answer so I let go of all of that and I can’t volunteer where God’s going to take me anyway cuz I don’t know what that’s going to look like cuz I don’t know what the unknown’s going to look like but I walk and I go with God’s hand he’s taken me many places I never thought I would wind up doing or saying things I never thought I’d wind up saying but in the realm of God’s spirit it’s always perfect it completely contradicts the way I used to live before I got to alcoholic synonymous which was all about me I was living all over page 62 was I was completely consumed with me I mean I make an effort to make out I was interested in you and it looked like this let’s not talk about me let’s talk about you what do you think of me me that’s how I operated right yeah but on my separation from alcohol in June of 19 88 uh I was not thinking about getting into my seventh and last treatment center uh I wasn’t thinking about going to a 12ep fellowship I wasn’t thinking about getting a sponsor and doing the 12 steps and the only contact I had really with God from a a very pure place was on June 23rd 1988 prior to that it was God give me what I want and it didn’t work out there is no God I lived as an agnostic I would never say atheist because I wasn’t but an agnostic but something changed in June of 1988 where this God who I had been cursing and damning to hell for all of my trouble that same higher power I reached out to and in June of 1988 I begged for help and the interesting hap thing happens to us when we’re in that place where we’re completely leveled and There Are No Reservations a lurking notion there’s nothing left it’s completely empty we’re completely empty that doesn’t feel good it actually feels like we’re about to die and we are we’re experiencing the death of self before the physical death and that doesn’t feel good my teacher one of my teachers would always tell me if it feels good it doesn’t mean it’s good and if it feels bad it doesn’t mean it’s bad June 23rd 1988 was the worst I felt ever it all came tumbling down but it wasn’t the physical stuff that was killing me it was the emotional bottom that I finally hit was completely level that day and I didn’t know my spirit was screaming to get with other people and have conversations about how to get well prior to that I never had a conversation about how do I get well so how could I find those people if God threw a hundred of them in front of me I’d go around them in June of 88 I was looking for people to have a dialogue with me about how to get well and that meant God that’s why I love our fellow my fellowship the fellowship I belong to because I’m with folks as one gentleman said who are Journeymen in this thing they’re not just kind of gate crashing seeing what’s going on and out we’re in it we’re in the trenches and our life revolves around this power call God it isn’t a bridge back to life that means I use my fellowship and get out there and I forget about it everything comes from God it is my life and I’m able to do life because of my fellowship because of my God because of the 12 Steps I’m a I’m a better I’m a better mate I’m a better brother I’m a better son I’m an upstanding member of my fellowship I’m a great worker I’m a good sponsor everything that contradicted my way into alcoholic synonymous and because this is my life because God is my life and I come from that God place and I chop wood and carry water every day I’m able to go out there and do as God would see fit and I make mistakes I make amends quickly not when it’s convenient for me but when it’s right for you it all allows me all this work all the stuff that I get to do has brought me to one place and that’s Stillness or or silence rather than listening to the noise in the head like most of us do we operate out of noise we operate out of fear we live along the lines of uh a human consciousness where everything we hear see and speak is from the mind the mind is fear-based and insecure so when you’re talking to me I may talk talk to you about God but I’m not coming from God I’m hearing with the mind when I’m listening to you I may talk about God but I’m listening with the mind and my actions reflect that all of it all my actions come out of what my mind is telling me all fear all agnostic all insecure all egotistical big book says God doesn’t make too hot terms so I don’t live life on life’s terms I fail miserably I need a drink to live life on life terms that’s why I drink in order just to fit in living life on God’s terms we coming from a place of God conscious it’s a raised level of awareness coming from deep down within a place called Stillness which is the only place we can ever experience this power called God that’s one of the reasons many reasons why we meditate to experience that and if we can walk into our homes occupations if has coming with that God place we will quickly see how that’s contagious right and how we affect people in a positive way rather than infecting people the way we used to Big Book says we can’t transmit something we haven’t got we will what we do that’s untreated alcoholism you see the sponsor who’s untreated you’ll see as little stable of prospects who were unstable who were untreated who were restless you and discontented when you see the awakened Guru in your fellowship who has people like that they sponsoring you’ll see how that’ll trickle down so living in all three sides at a triangle going through the steps over and over again working with a life of prayer and meditation living in all three sides of the triangle allows me to be whole and complete which brings me back to silence which is our natural state of beingness when you think about it we invent noise we create noise we get attach attached to noise we get attracted to noise we’re operating out of noise all the time and somehow in Alcoholics anonyms we go through the steps and they have this thing called meditation and prayer which allows me and requires me to get completely still my first drink came when I was uh 14 years old I grew up in New York Brooklyn New York and uh prior to my first drink I was like most of us Russ it and discontented driven by a hund forms of fear I had voices talking to me I didn’t even know who they were but they were always talking to me and none of it was ever good the voices would always tell me about how I was less than how I can’t fit in I don’t have a shot at living life successfully I would hear people talking about doing great things or plans and designs for their life and I wow how are they so fortunate how do they believe in that stuff how are they going to pull that off because I’m Peter Marinelli it’s never going to happen you know I got good intentions but it’s never going to happen I’m not that smart I’m not that ambitious I would hear teenagers talk about getting driver’s license and dating and going off to college and it just seem so appealing dating a d a car going off to college having a career I can’t do that I’m Peter Marinelli there’s no way I can pull this off I’m me when God finds out me I’m not going to be able to do this and as I got old I would hear adults talking about adult things and I’m now entering into this adult when they were talking about having careers already I’m just about tying my shoelaces they’re graduating college and getting the second car I’m still on public transportation I mean I just to hold down a job was a big deal marriage children oh my God I cannot do life I can’t do this and during my drinking days twice I tried to check out of life and God had other plans interrupted my death but uh uh uh the spring summer uh uh I was 14 years old and about 6 months prior January 23rd of 1973 my mom who’s alcoholic was alcoholic and addicted to Valium back in the day um couldn’t get sober we didn’t even identify her as an alcoholic because women are an alcoholics in my family let alone addicted to Pills and no woman who was married to my dad was ever going to be tagged as an alcoholic it just wasn’t going to happen so we kept the Pink Elephant in the living room and we would go to psychiatrist to Sanitarium to psychiatrist to Sanitarium to hypnotist all kinds of stuff to keep away from the drink and they prescrib vum not to drink so you know what we do we do both and what my mom experienc is what all of us experience incomprehensible demoral Iz ation I didn’t realize her problem her turmoil that she had to go through until I became an adult when I realized I couldn’t even be a brother to my younger brothers and a son to my dad I could only fathom only imagine how a woman must have felt not being able to be a mother to her three sons or a wife to her husband because Jack Daniels was her God Valium was her God and so she tried several times to take her life in the morning of January 23rd 1973 she finally did it and I remember waking up that morning to Shia Tera I mean I was literally Frozen in bed laying in my lower bunk and my brother was up above me my youngest brother’s on the other side of the room and the three of us didn’t know what to do and I was Frozen with fear and what really scared me my dad is a real tough guy Street guy never saw him cry never sh him become afraid of anything and when he was on the 911 call to the police hearing this man whing over the phone screaming my wife is dead send an ambulance that just struck me Frozen I couldn’t believe what I was hearing my life changed forever after that day my design for living if you will was my mom I mean she would take me to the little league and take me to music practice and take me around and I would talk about the birds and the bees with my mom cuz I wasn’t going to talk to my dad about it and suddenly she’s gone and I was completely empty what do I do how do where do I go from here I got a guy at home cunning baffling and powerful he’s dad my uncle’s followed in his kind of uh way of operating there was no no I I was into music and art and creative things and my dad was a street guy what do I do my dad never picked up a baseball glove I’m sure he picked up a few baseball bats but that’s a whole another thing right um never picked up a a glove or anything and so it was a little different you know I showed up to the corner one Saturday night my friends were drinking beer and they were drinking coold 45 beer and my dad had worn me many many times not to drink with the bums on the corner he didn’t want me sing hanging around those guys being seen with those guys and he didn’t want me hanging around the girls who were drinking with the guys on the corner I happen to find those women very attractive to me right this one Saturday night the court went around I put my hand and I took a few pops off the court and it went down and nothing happened I remember thinking I know I just know the cops going to turn into corn I’m going to get arrested if they don’t turn into corner I know my dad’s definitely going to catch me drinking on the corner I’m going to get a beating but I took a few pops off the court no one showed up nothing happened to me either so I drank a little bit more and you know what happens I start to get nice everything gets nice I got nice she got nicer right growing up in Brooklyn my hero that summer went from like Mickey M to like Alpa Chino by the end of the night and I had a ride this as Bill Wilson says I love the effect produced by alcohol um I didn’t I I love the effect produced by alcohol that’s why I went return to it that’s why we drink I like the effect produced by what I’m putting in my body so I can just pack into the stream with you so I can just take a shower I need to be a little bit jacked up in order just to do that just to operate to get up and go to work I need something I can’t face the world empty I cannot do it that’s why I don’t get so many of our members and our fell respective fellowships just put the plug in a jug or don’t use and go to meetings you’re still doing life without a substance and no God how do you pull that off perhaps that’s why you’re driven by a 100 forms of fear and we look like drunks without a drink in us we’re still manipulating lying cheating stealing but we didn’t use and we’re winners no we’re not perhaps more dangerous to others when we’re not using we were predictable when we were using we used just to fit in and that’s how it was for me I drank I loved the effect produced by alcohol so I returned to it not knowing where it was going to take me to the gates of hell didn’t know I stepped onto a road pav to hell with something called phenomenon called craving mental Obsession and spiritual mality never heard of these words before but I love the effect produced by alcohol my friends uh uh called it a night that summer night I remember going into like this this anxiety thing we’re going to end this this is getting nice I like this don’t end it and I remember it was a long walk home but the next morning was a Sunday morning and I went into this park to play basketball and I remember how I felt walking into that park it was like it was unlike any other morning I ever experienced I found a Panacea for my ill Saturday night I knew I can do the rest of the week cuz the following Saturday I was going to go back to my co 45 beer capture out of lucif and I’m going to be okay even for a few hours I can be okay for a few hours and I obsessed on the following Saturday rested week I remember thinking going through school like I don’t care what you say about me I don’t care what you think about me I don’t care how much you push me around I know come Saturday I’m going to escape it all I’m going to get to that place out there that’s how I was able to do life and I drank on Saturday again and I drank on Saturday again and then start drinking on Friday and then Thursday and then Wednesday and suddenly I was drinking a lot and I went from cold 45 beer to wine and then I found vodka and I went through the whole thing Swiss up and all this other nasty stuff and then one day a bunch of years later I landed with uh my greatest lover ever before I got soing out was something called Jack Daniels uh which took me to a place indescribably wonderful right my I remember uh uh the following Saturday rolled around and I drank and the following Saturday rolled around and I drank and as I said it progressed into Wednesday Thursday Friday and Saturday but I couldn’t get there anymore I mean I was getting drunk I was getting blind drunk and I was starting to get in trouble but I couldn’t capture that first innocent drunk it was gone forever I didn’t know it back then there was some consequences because of my drinking as well um as I said earlier I have two younger brothers they idolized Me growing up they listened to the music I did they followed me around they played slick ball with me they did all the things that they would you would do growing up in Brooklyn and I protected them and my dad pretty much had not too many worries about me but as alcoholism does what alcoholism does and we become more and more selfish and self-centered and self-seeking there are consequences because of my behavior and my younger brothers started to become afraid of me then they became embarrassed by how I was behaving when I was drunk at the get-go I was a nasty drunk at the end you wouldn’t even know I was in the room I just go down and just leave me there but at the beginning I was full of anger a lot of Venom at this guy call God for Mom leaving about my plight and life I was really really restless and discontented and everyone got it my brothers became afraid of me they would tell my dad my dad would call to me the next day and read me to Rite act about what’s going on with you what are you doing with your life and like a good Aly I would wait for him to get done when he was done I’d go back out and that would give me more reason to drink this thing called life is not for me I need to get out one morning I woke up and I needed some money like usual and uh I stole uh St stealing from my family and I stole one of my dad’s checks out of his checkbook and I got away with it I would go down to the local store I forg his name they all knew my dad so they give me the money I said okay I pull this off once I can do this again and I start stealing checks from my dad’s checkbook and I go to the local delicatess and local store they cash it and I get some beer whatever I needed to get and uh I did this for a little bit of time thinking like those checks just went into the universe and no one ever saw them again right but they were checking statements and all that stuff came back to my dad and then he found all these they used to send the H the the C the check back with the big rubber stamp on the back and they got all these Forge checks and my dad came looking for me now this is not the type of guy you want looking for you Tony Soprano looks like Tinker Bell next to my dad right and I remember I was sitting in a car uh one day next to this young lady and um thinking I was a big shot until my dad drove up and he got out of the car and it’s kind of like Robert the Nero showing up you know and got a good Fells and the cigarette went down this is the only guy goes to a fight with a pinky ring sunglasses and gold jewelry and mean this is how he shows up for a fight and when his eyebrow goes up and he looks at you just run his eyebrow went up the cigarette went down and I was in serious trouble and he did this scream my name and I says honey that’s my dad you talk to him I’m running away and I and uh and off I went and I got about you know 20 ft my dad screamed my name loud enough for me to to freeze and um I went to my first Treatment Center that’s how I went to treatment I went to treatment not because I conceited to my innermost self I’m an alcoholic and I need to go to any lens to find a spiritual experience so I can speak from a Podium someday in Toronto Canada how cool is this right I went to my first few treatment centers because my dad was after me the wrong people on the street were looking for me or I just had enough but I didn’t want to quit conceding to our innermost self is not enough having a powerful desire to stop is not enough it’ll bring me to the doorway it’ll make me ring your doorbell it’ll come make me come to you in a meeting and say can you help me but still not enough there’s a difference between God’s grace and being spiritually fit one we get because we’re one of his children we inherit God if you will we get the DNA of God but then some work to be done en vision for you it talks about patience willingness and labor labor last I checked is put my hands on the wheel and driving doing some work chopping wood and carrying water and plowed a field and getting it fertile it didn’t won’t happen through osmosis so even with the powerful desire to stop wasn’t enough conceeding wasn’t enough but back then my first F treatment centers I was nowhere near conceeding or having a powerful desire I just want to get out of there for a little while which is what I did now back in the States back in the day the insurance companies would give you the 28 day rehab deal where they got this from I don’t know but it doesn’t work but they said 28 days Pete Marinelli off you go 27 you can say to 28 we won’t kick you out and 29 is way too long so 28 good to go now I don’t think I have a problem they give me all these charts and graphs about how my brain metab my body and my brain metabolize alcohol they gave me all these charts and graphs and I said that’s good thanks for the information after watching that I really need a double right so 28 Days Later I get out and I had that girl meet me at the door and it was honey I’m coming home like I did a bit in a prison somewhere right I was in some fancy Treatment Center in Long Island New York they had a big gymnasium they had a little fitness center they served us our meals we had our own little bed was you know everyone walked around proper there were big guys with white jackets on you don’t want to get them angry but it was this nice little place on maybe a 100 acres of property and you go for little walks and so I treated it like I went to jail and 28 Days Later I got out and she brought a jug I cracked the sealing quiet about AA and drank and the phenomenal C craving was right back on me as if I kept drinking for 28 days being separated from alcohol has little to do with becoming a recovered alcoholic well being being a recovered alcoholic just means I’m separated from the substance I sat in plenty of jail cells upon my release you weren’t looking for me to spons you I sat in the tombs in New York for about 3 days waiting to see the judge I hadn’t used anything sick as can be on my release I didn’t use 3 days you don’t want me to sponsor you the consequences started to get worse and worse and worse it wasn’t my dad looking for me but I now I have one treatment center my dad would send out search parties now my brothers were hip to what I was doing my aunt and uncles were hip to what I was doing even my grandparents who were from Europe and spoke a little English knew there was something wrong with their grandson so I had to hide my using now and the interesting thing is some of the Contemporary belief systems are don’t you don’t drink or don’t use and go to a meeting well that does nothing to remedy the hurt and pain we’ve caused other people it’s narrow-minded and selfish because even after my first Treatment Center I was infecting and affecting my entire family everything shifted the balance of the family completely shifted it was upside down as it was after buring mang but now I complete the job my family was completely upside down how in God’s name could I get this message come into a sacred fellowship and say I didn’t use I put the plug in a jug and I’m good my amense to you is I’m not using that might not pay to bill in in a lot of places and here’s the thing if we’re truly on a spiritual path and we’re truly claiming that we have God in our life and we’re truly living coming from a god place there is no way that I can just put the plug in a jug go to a meeting and not repair make an attempt to repair the damage I’ve done this is why I like having dialogue and conversations with people who are Godlike who walk with God because they’re always talking about a life of service which is where my God has brought me to if we think about it as messengers of God it’s no longer about being here to be served but it’s about serving serving in all we do my homes occupations and Affairs you’ve been kind enough to invite me here and give me some pretty good digs where I’m staying and Mark’s been wonderful since I got here but I’m here for service I’m not here for Applause I’m not here for Pats on the back it’s nice to get that but this is part of my life of service and there’s plenty of times I get on a plane and it’s 90° in in South Florida I’m headed to the snowstorm in Nebraska it’s a little tough to put my first foot on that plane but I have a life of service and my spirit moves me there demands I do that I don’t get how many of us just show up at a meeting say I’m good going home and haven’t taken the kids to a ball game or taking the wife for a romantic dinner in years or just sit home and watch TV with the family and pack into the stream I love some of our AAS who are fortunate enough to have children and spouses and they have date night they have family night and they just hang around but they’re packing into their nest again where we were absentee for years ain’t that great and it’s about giving back it’s about giving back it’s about giving back that’s what this life is really all about when we’re on this path I soundly just like that little kid when I first got in here by the way no drink what do you I got into my second treatment center and I got into my third treatment center and um got into a fourth treatment center and got into a fifth treatment center and along that way I got a job as a uh my dad uh was a long show my whole family of Doc workers rough crowd rough people associated with that a lot of uh uh uh people you don’t want to hang around with who associate with that industry and I was writing a of it right in the middle of all of it and I went to work for my dad who have for years this impeccable reputation he was the boss he had about 500 Dock Workers working for him now they didn’t send out emails or office notices you bought to get things done it was a rough environment a lot of uneducated men down there who interested in one thing money it wasn’t about having a talk with Jody employee cuz he’s not performing you didn’t perform you a fight or beat up I mean this a type of environment so so I wasn’t going to find any kind of spiritual enlightenment in this position and I went to work for my dad and in a short time my dad start to experience shame embarrassment remorse guilt because he was watching me disintegrate in front of him now I’m working with my dad his office was about 100 yards maybe less from where I had my job and I he would see me every single day he would see me come in from the night before with my head on Sideways or in the same clothes and wondering really what’s going on now now I would borrow money from people associated with that environment who I really have no business being in their company and I would name drop and they would give me some money but they used to look for me every week to give them a little bit back till you paid off the whole loan and if you didn’t have that money you got beat up and my dad would get me out of these scrapes in the environment I work there were a lot of loose Goods so you would take stuff that didn’t belong to you and the alcoholic mind would say well there’s plenty they won’t miss one or two the same thing when I would rip off my family well my dad has plenty of money my brothers have some money what’s a little bit of this or a little bit of that why would alcoholism why would my addictive mind allow me for a moment to have some compassion for how I’m hurting you it doesn’t exist in the same room it can’t and the ego needs to breathe and the alcoholic and addicted mind needs to do what it has to do and it has no room for compassion and understanding we’ll get like that little thread that says that shouldn’t do this but it’s overwhelmed by we’ll do we’ll fix it later right now I got to do what I got to do or many times no compassion not even a seed is it shows up this is how I operated and I wasn’t the worst of the worst out there there were people who are criminals who were out there but enough damage to hurt people I had a job as a dock worker impossible to get fired from and I got fired twice and my dad fired me twice and the second time was I can’t have you around here anymore I got thrown out of my house and I was basically left to fend for myself on the streets and now this is where the Bottom’s rais and uh my dad came to the rescue though and uh uh got me this little Studio of pment in Brooklyn and this is uh during my fifth stay in the treatment center and he got this little studio and furnished it for me and got me clothes and all the things you would need to kind of get going and um soon as my dad drove away I sold a color television and I sold a clock radio and I S sold the shoes and boxes and I sold the clothes and garment bags I tried to carry out the refrigerator one day and I was renting out this apartment I never paid rent almost burning the place down and I had all walks of life showing up at all hours you know screaming my name whether I owe them money or they had some stuff for me or they just needed a place to crash and my landlord was a young fell who was married uh had a little daughter with his wife and his wife was expecting and I rent from them and they couldn’t get rid of me and then one day they just threw me out I spent nine weeks in this fifth treatment center and I was like to talk about this a little bit N9 weeks I was in a treatment center and I didn’t need a drink my body did not need alcohol my body did not need any other substance and because this is CA I will tell you that there I went through about three Treatment Centers of detoxing off of heroin and cocaine and and pills Valium was the thing of the day I don’t even know what they’re using out there now but uh I shot heroin and cocaine for for too long and uh the detoxes were just I was Notorious for the worst detoxer on the planet and after my fifth Treatment Center I said no more but I could not get away from alcohol I could not get away from I would curse it swear off throw the bottles against the wall and say no more and I would run back and I was drinking Mr Boston BlackBerry Brandy at the end but uh my fifth Treatment Center I was up there for 9 weeks I would have given you a clean uway and a pass of breathalizer in 5 minutes I even put on put on weight I start to actually look healthy I was able to hold down some food and I would go to the group and talk about My Dysfunctional Family my inner child my issues and my triggers and all this nice stuff that that we do in treatment I’m in the business I know right and they would take me to Art therapy and they would give me dance therapy this is not a good idea when you have crackheads and junkies and Alis detoxing and we’re going to dance today not a good idea uh I always my favorite story is they took us to the gymnasium and it was about this size and there were baskets on each end with a basketball and the ball rolled from one end of the gym to the other and therapy sounded like this I’m not getting it you get it and we went out and smoked a cigarette and that was pretty much physical therapy um but they try to do all these things to kind of get us motivated and try right thinking and understand why do you understand Peter why you drink so much yes give me a double you know it didn’t work I was lacking the spiritual transformation and that’s only going to begin when I bottom out when self-reliance is completely removed that there’s nothing in my mind nothing in my mind that says perhaps one day I can maybe control and enjoy it maybe if I just regulate maybe if I just mix it with other stuff maybe if I just go on marijuana maintenance just something I just need something I just won’t go to those extremes that needs to be removed it’s a complete breakdown of the inner self where there’s nothing and at that point we start to build because the only place we can reach out to is this power call God whatever our conception is no matter how limited it is and it could be g d group of drunks for good Orly Direction but it’s something other than me that I’m reaching to something other than my thinking mind that I’m reaching out for help for right it’s the mustard seed of willingness that we can move a mountain when I come to you and say please help me or I show up at an AA meeting or an NA meeting or c meeting say listen I can’t do this I’m done please help me and I start to take direction from my elders even when I disagree with the direction I’m quiet and follow I chop wood and carry water it’s when we start having skepticism and doubt and reservations on the information or Direction you giving me I have a firststep problem again and I see this so often in AA and when I give talks in CA when people come up to you they’re sober double digits they’re sober 3 4 years and they can’t get past themselves and then they they unload on you for 10 or 15 minutes they give you a entire fifth step you say why don’t you try doing this and then the head tilts and they don’t want to do it so you just took up 10 minutes of my life to unload I’m giving you a way out you still don’t want to do it constitutionally incapable of being honest with thems El they’re waiting for the silver bull the magic bll for someone say I would do the same thing you’re doing I’ll go with you it’s not going to happen unless that person is sick or sicker than you rubber hits the road when we get into the steps I think the 12 and 12 says something like when we 6 and seven it happens way before that for some of us it happens just walking through the door to a group of strangers what do I do and then we find out how much in common we have this is the only place whether it’s CA na or AA where we I tell you the worst things I’ve done in my life and you say here’s my number give me a call when Mark picked us up there was Mark Marion and myself and we were sharing little escapades that we did kind of laughing about it got picked up to come to the hotel with uh the gentleman who opened up I don’t know where he went we’re talking about how much we would drink Mar and I went to a restaurant and pushing wine I said as long as you got a lawyer to go along with a bottle of wine and we were laughing about how much we drink now if you were out there at a dinner party say oh my God you have a drinking problem we know we have a drinking problem it doesn’t come as a shock to anyone we come into Alcoholic Anonymous CA or Na and we expect we we always told don’t leave till the miracle happens you’re sitting in the meeting of a 12 that Fellowship the Miracles happened because by everything based on your past you’re not supposed to be sitting with a bunch of other recovering or recovered folks we’re supposed to be using based on everything we’ve done up until that moment but here I am sitting in an AA or an NA or C whatever a it is there even if we’re drunk even if we’re High we’re sitting in a meeting talking about God and Recovery the miracles happen now what here’s where the weight falls on the Elder States what are we going to do about him or her give them a call to tell us to call us when they want to use they’re not going to do that say here’s my phone number call me when you feel like using if you’re like me I’m not calling Ernie one I want to use I’ll call it to bail me out of jail when I’m done with me so when they come in here I need to recognize there’s a newbie maybe first time in here what AM me what am I going to do about it leave it to the rest of the folks no I go over and meet them and I’ll spend some time with them maybe it’s their first meeting ever in their scared to death I know I was I bail and I would go to AA meetings drunk a few times back in Brooklyn no one ever said oh my God you’re drunk get out they just keep coming keep coming come to they took me to the dino drunk they knew I knew I was drunk they knew I was drunk but they just sat with me because they saw themselves in me it just wasn’t my time time until June of 1988 five treatment centers 9 weeks away uh in this treatment center and I still can’t get sober in fact in six treatment centers I managed a total of two days of continuous sobriety after treatment center number five was discharged on a Saturday I got till Monday and picked up a drink Mr Boston Blackberry Brandy I beine to liquor so I couldn’t take it anym anymore you know that feeling well you got a couple of days and then you just bust out I can’t I can’t do this I’m crawling out of my skin now after 9 weeks of being in treatment I was not experiencing any kind of postacute withdrawal syndrome there was nothing I look fit as a fiddle I was in good shape N9 weeks put on weight had some complexion my eyes were clear my body did not need alcohol but the mind was so powerful the obsession was still gone my body felt like it needed alcohol the mind will convince me my body is sick when it isn’t and yet we rely upon the mind in our sacred fellowships over and over and over again when we tell the newcomer bring the body and the mind they’ll follow the last thing we need showing up anywhere is your mind that I’ll drink to bring the body of mind and follower the main problem centers powerful instrument convince me my body is sick and I need to get need to get straight need a drink whatever it is convince me of a lot of things fear-based and insecure the same mind that’ll take me back to that which is killing me over and over and over again I tell a newcomer rely upon that same guy to outthink a drink play the tape to the end remember where you come from keep it green or my all-time favorite filled with self-centeredness and self-seeking is take a hospital or detox commitment so you can remember where you come from really so I’m using the horrors that they’re experiencing for my selfish and self-centered reason I look at you and say I’m grateful I’m going home we missed something on that one I’m going there to help you serve you n so I can keep it green in fact I don’t need to keep it green I don’t need to remember where I come from I don’t need to play the tape through I don’t want to first because my mind’s the one who’s doing it but God has Set Me Free of that step 10 promise we’ve recovered in a position of neutrality safe and protected haven’t even swan the stuff off the problem has been removed a lot of us walk around I was one of them for years afraid of using again of course we’re afraid of drinking and all that that that comes with it but when we sit down and get really quiet why are we afraid of picking up when God has the problem removed it’s not a problem anymore we’re not powerless anymore we have tremendous amount of power that are ruffle feathers that a lot of our middle of the road meetings tough we here to speak truth and as long as I’m spiritually fit and living and growing and understanding and effectiv this Living in the Sunlight of the spirit God’s got that God took the the loaded gun away from me I have to walk around hoping it is it going to go off is it not going to go off problems been removed my job is to get spiritual Wings go pack into the stream home occupations and Affairs and go past this message on and Shout from the rooftops about God and not apologize for God whether it’s in AA n wherever I am we should be walking examples of this power called God and nothing less than that great fact we don’t need to apologize for our past Behavior not when we’re living and immersed with God it was a long road to get there meant the destruction of self and the ego gets grinded into dust self Must Die the Mind must shut down it Peaks up once in a while it speaks up once in a while no longer attached to it living present with bread chop would carry water what do I do next what do I do next okay god let’s go where are we going next it allows me to not have a leap of faith in life you ever hear this one it’s a leap of faith when in a big book does it say leap of faith if it does please show me what leap of faith is it not God who’s telling me take the leap Ernie take the leap God speaking I need take the the leap right so God inspires me to do it who’s on the other side of the leap God in gravity in God’s world there’s no gravity who’s holding me up God who’s on the other side God who’s at the beginning the whole thing’s of God moving I’m just stepping into an unknown and there’s greater pain in not changing than the change itself so I take a look back at my alcoholic mind and how it operates I won’t change I’ll stay where I am pain humiliation degradation and then God says go and we kind of put our foot in the water at our eyes closed say not too bad put another foot next thing know we’re on the other side side no leap of faith the neat thing about living this way when we’re in the sunlight of the spirit there are challenges we look at them how am I going to do this okay god let’s go bring me to it and through it it’s your will that I’m here so it’s all good I’ve landed in places I do this about 30 weekends a year and I’ve landed in parts of the world where I said I really got myself into it this time they’re talking about going looking for moose after the session’s over I mean I you know how I where am I you know where am I and and I’ve been in places where they put me up in hotels that you know they’re smoking crack maybe next door happened to me in Maryland they said we’re going to bring you to a finer Hotel was a crack hotel right 1:00 in the morning I’m switching hotels but sometimes you land in places and you go maybe I did too much then you get still usually call a sponsor after prayer who sent you the invitation why are you there then go do God’s work and we’ll go in protected and come out protected and perhaps wake up somebody along the way off I go off I go for fun and for free I was living on the streets for a while One Night in the street is too long for anyone it was a nightmare living on a Street’s panhandling and I don’t say that for you know for prideful reason it’s just where my story was and lost contact with my family the day my dad told me don’t come back I remember I was sitting in this car and I said dad can you loow me 20 loan I had the audacity to say loan he wasn’t getting it back but you know you kind of pepper it with loan and I says Dad can you loow me 20 bucks and he looked at me I fre he looked at me eyeball eyeball he says no and I got to take care of my brothers you can’t come home anymore I’m I’m homeless as it is and I got out of his cars I would not argue with him okay and I slammed the door and I walked away and I remember thinking the most awful things I’m going to get back at this guy I am going to make him pay for this I’m going to make my brothers pay for it I’m going to make everyone pay for because that’s all I can think of was hate was until I got sober and cleared up a little bit that I realized the broken heart that a father would have to tell his first born don’t come home anymore you’re not welcome like that and how my brothers and I who are so close today how it broke their heart to say don’t come home anymore you’re an embarrassment how my youngest brother’s a true story I call my house on a blind drunk in St New York I was on a low reside of Manhattan it was about 2:00 in the morning I meant to call someone else to borrow money and somehow I rang and uh my brother picked up the phone and my youngest Brothers took right after my Dad where are you where are you where are you you and I was calling from a public phone and um I says this is where I am can you bring me some money yeah I’ll be right down I’ll bring you money he came with two Cadillacs two guys driving two big Cadillacs to give you an idea the type of crowd that was coming to look for me this is my baby brother he gets out of the car is a trueth story he had a pistol in his pants and he says where are you buying the stuff from he’s I’m going to go up there and kill him first I’m going to come down I’m going to kill you before they kill you and had foam in his mouth he was in a rage and I don’t know if he’s capable of really doing that but that’s where it brought him that he had a gun on him he was going to kill his drug dealer and he was going to kill me this is what we do to people who love us this is where we bring them to into our sewer whether it’s Park Avenue or a park bench this kid and I are like this today were close as ever and one of his friends interceded and kind of got him back to reality for a moment and my brother put me in a car and took me home and the language he used towards his older brother for about an hour drive was disgusting and I deserved it all and then I had to face the music with my other brother and my dad and they had nothing but venom for me but can you blame them this is what we do how could I come to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous or CA and say I didn’t drink to them I because they’re stuck with the mess we go off to our glorious fellowships our sacred Fellowship we get this message we pack into the stream of life we have we look good we sound good we we find romance even we do lots of things and they stuck with what about us how do we process this how do we put this stuff back together we’re stuck with a war zone can you come in and help us rebuild at least when we’re in a solid a spirit we’re the one with a pick and chisel saying I got it you sit that I will fix this that’s living along the lines of God Consciousness so I was homeless for a while and I wound up uh outside the Port Authority in Midtown Manhattan I had a Moment of clarity blind drunk I have a Moment of clarity and God strikes a sober it’s the flimsy read I didn’t know was the loving and Powerful hand of God it was this flimsy read and then the flimsy re was delivered with a moment of clar moment of sanity and I realized the condition I was in and I hadn’t spoken to my family for a while I was homeless I was a bum I tried twice to take my life in hotel rooms I can’t die right I can’t get sober and now I can’t even get drunk I’m drinking just to exist I was really at The Bitter End and um in this moment of cloud I remember thinking of my dad and my brothers and my family and it was as if you know the the life passed before your eyes kind of deal I don’t know what happened to me afterwards I remember cursing God and couple of weeks later I would say I’m not sure I was in the back of another hallway this is how I was living the back of hallways I was too afraid to walk in the streets and to do things I get a jug hallway get a jug hallway get a jug hallway I was the back of this this this disgusting filthy hallway in lower Manhattan and um I was done that was June 23rd 1988 and the same God I had cursed or entirely ignored was the same God if you’re out there please take me from this and the words I never forget what I offered was I don’t want to die wasn’t thinking about any of this I just don’t want to die and I welcome the idea of dying for years I don’t want to die today I don’t want to die I don’t know what that’s going to look like I don’t know what I have to do not to die but I don’t want to die and then God had the journey see the journey is laid out for us the path is already out we just have to be awake enough to say there it is awake enough and willing enough to say okay Ernie you know the path I don’t know can you just point me in the right direction God has the journey talking to someone earlier about having a purpose in life when we see the journey and we’re clear we have a life of purpose and when we have a life of purpose the we we wear the world like a loose garment everything makes sense things shift with internal Shi in Consciousness where we’re saying okay this is my path I’m clear on my purpose purpose for a long time now with all the challenges life being problematic I’m clear on my purpose all said and done this is what I do this is where God sends me to go feed his children and every time I feed one of God’s children I go away with a full belly and the world feels right it feels right doesn’t appear right it feels right it’s right living with Purity honesty unselfishness and love it’s right for the first time I’m going to be 53 next week somebody how’s it feel as you want to know the truth we can K around about the age and all that stuff my life feels right and there’s tons of challenges my life feels right because of God it’s right everything I do in my relationship just it’s right it took all this time to say I’m not a mistake it’s right in this moment I realize in the back of a hallway I got to call my dad do the only guy on the entire planet who’s going to come look for me in this condition would be my dad so I made a couple of try to make a couple of collect calls um weeping hang up the phone weeping hang up the phone my dad was about I don’t know 3 4 hours from where I was in a place called Atlantic City New Jersey he was spending a weekend out with his wife and uh while he was gambling uh he tells me he had this what he called a feeling in his gut that’s how he described it and he told his wife my son Peter’s in trouble I got to go find him I don’t know what it is I just have to go find him God connects dots huh always connecting dots for us when we don’t know how to have the power to do it cuz the path has to be walked and so he dropped her off he came looking for me and he found me cuz God connected the dots and I was running through the streets desperate if I liveed to be a h I’ll never be as old as a day I walked into AA I hadn’t bathed it I hadn’t eaten I look like someone who was suffering from untreated alcoholism about 130 lb bunch of 40 lb 40 lb maybe more than I weigh now uh less than I weigh now and um my dad got out of the car and this time he just walked across the street and called me like anyone who couldn’t find their son you I just walked across the street I remember say Dad I’m okay and then I collapsed remember collapsing in his arms I remember very mindful my dad was holding me up Our Roots Gras grasp new soil and sometimes the worst moments of our life what appears to be the worst moments of our life when the hand has reached out and we finally grab on we don’t care where we’re going when the intent is pure it’s not tainted with any ego it’s not tainted well when I do this this is going to happen when we grab on and hold on and I held on to my dad that night the roots were grasping new soil not only for me but for him cuz his life was changed forever for the better because because of my fellowship because of the awakened spirit that God was going to allow me to experience experience him it didn’t feel that way but the moment was a father reaching out to a son there were no threats there was no anger I have a son who’s dying the same way my heavenly father sees us dying his sons and daughters says hold on and I don’t you can challenge me on this I don’t believe that you have to knock all the time for God to come in God my God will my God’s from New York he will kick a door open right and I always think if one of our brothers or sisters or our children God forbid we’re in the Next Room killing themselves would we wait for an invitation at that moment the invitation has been set up go help kick the door open we’ll clean up the mess later we’ll clean up your rangle with me later we’ll clean up that I broke a boundary and invaded your pride I don’t care right now I’m pulling you off the ledge that’s what God did for me in June 23rd 1980 and the messenger was my dad who’s not a god guy who’s not a recovering guy just a guy a tough guy our root grass newa and off I went to treatment number seven it was the last one and after 10 days of being there my mind was not done I wanted a drink just one more drink one more little Mr Boston one more Jack Daniels and I can go to group and God removed me from there and put me in Minnesota I went to M treatment all to almost 11 months and I came home to Brooklyn New York I found my first teacher and soon as I asked him to sponsor me thinking be sure let’s get going we’ll go to a dining he he gave me a couple of uh uh uh uh I call them tonyisms very earthy language he before I sponsor you you need to go home from read the preface to page 164 and you’ll see how they talk about that and working with others and when you’re done you call me if you feel like using he says you call me he says I’m give me your number I’ll be calling you but I will start sponsorship when you complete this reading and we would see each other at meetings and take me out and to a diner and see how I was doing uh completed the reading he asked me a question think your alcoholic your lik un manual I said yes do you want help I said yes he said are you willing to go to any L to get recovered I says yes he’s now I’ll sponsor you and we began from the cover of the book to page 164 and somewhere in there I don’t know the day the time the moment but somewhere in there life took on new meaning and I realized I haven’t thought about a drink in a really long time or any other kind of substance I was eating and bathing regularly and I went back to work I was living on my brother’s couch my brother moved from that apartment to a little studio and I had a little thing on I would sleep on the floor when he’d go away for the weekend he says take my bed my brother was kind enough to say I’ll sleep on the floor you take my bed and I was living with my kid brother he was paying the rent till I kind of got uh some money and I had a little spot with my books and I saved up some money and my first night in my own apartment was a studio apartment there were no shades on the wall on the Windows there was no was nothing it was just a bare apartment like when you first move in someone in a gave me a sleeping bag and there was a little 12-step uh bookstore in my town and I got a bunch of AA bumper stickers and I just had them and I put them on the door and and I had something that represents my higher power up on a door I got into the sleeping bag with a big book in scripture I put my head back I was in Paradise I was in Paradise I didn’t have a phone there was nothing didn’t have coffee there was nothing first night it was one of the best nights i’ ever had in my entire life because I was part of my fellowship I was sober I was not thinking about drinking I had a great sponsor and I was part of this and I had great hope for the next day that I was going to repeat good stuff again this was great going from sleeping behind a garbage pal in a filthy hallway hiding so no one bothers me to sleeping in a place that I just bought and it’s clean I took a shower I ate how great is that that’s what my god did for me that’s all I got peace thank you for listening to sober Sunrise if you enjoyed today’s episode please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message until next time have a great day