From the Streets to a Life Worth Living: AA Speaker – Peter M. – Queens, NY
Peter M. from Queens shares his journey from homelessness and untreated alcoholism to spiritual recovery through AA. A real alcoholic’s story of hitting bottom and finding freedom in the Big Book.
Peter M. from Queens, NY spent years on the streets, cycling through seven rehabs, stealing, living in hallways, and panhandling before he hit the bitter end that brought him to Alcoholics Anonymous. In this AA speaker tape, he walks through his bottom—the moment outside the Port Authority when clarity struck—and how working the Big Book with a real sponsor transformed him from a shell of a man into someone living a recovered life, not just staying sober one day at a time.
Peter M. describes his descent into untreated alcoholism starting with his first drink in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, and the decades of chaos—family destruction, homelessness, failed rehabs—that followed until he landed outside the Port Authority with a moment of clarity. He emphasizes that real alcoholics need spiritual experience through Big Book work, not just meetings and willpower, and shares how working the steps with a sponsor awakened his spirit and freed him from the obsession. His talk includes a profound spiritual experience in meditation that led him back to the corner where his mother had a breakdown when he was three, where he finally found closure and brought that abandoned child home.
Episode Summary
Peter M. walks into the room with humor and self-awareness, cracking jokes about his appearance while making a serious point to newcomers: the days you’re counting are precious, and if you get connected to the Big Book and work the steps, you’re tapping into a road to freedom. But his talk is really a full portrait of what untreated alcoholism looks like—and what recovery looks like—when you’re willing to do the work.
He grew up in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, with an internal tornado. His mind was relentless—a judge screaming at him that he was a loser, could never measure up, didn’t belong anywhere. On a Saturday night at age fifteen, standing outside St. Dominic’s Church watching friends drink, he reached for a beer. For the first time, the voices stopped. The pain lifted. He felt ease and comfort. As Bill W. says in his story: “I had arrived.”
That ease was a trap. Over the next fifteen years, Peter watched alcohol take everything. He stole from his family. His father—a tough, traditional man—had to bail him out repeatedly. His mother, who suffered from the same illness, took her own life when he was young. He eventually hit seven rehabs, each time thinking he could manage it differently, control it somehow. He lived in his apartment drinking all day, underweight and skeletal, selling everything his father gave him to buy the next drink.
The streets came next. Panhandling by the Manhattan Bridge. Sleeping in hospital bathrooms. Drinking Blackberry Brandy from a jug in dark hallways. This is where Peter’s honesty becomes crucial to his message. He wasn’t romanticizing or performing his bottom—he was describing the actual, degrading, dehumanizing reality of advanced alcoholism.
Then came the moment. Outside the Port Authority, looking up at the 9th Avenue overpass, something shifted. He didn’t know what he was looking at anymore. He thought of his family, whom he’d lost contact with. He hated everything, including God. He cursed at God with four-letter words. But that moment of clarity—what the Big Book calls a lucid interval—was God’s hand.
What Peter emphasizes throughout is this: he didn’t need 90 meetings in 90 days. He didn’t need people telling him meeting makers make it. He needed a sponsor who was a real alcoholic, someone recovered and awake, who would sit down with him and take him through the Big Book pages 1–164 methodically. His sponsor didn’t let him read it alone. They worked it together, cover to cover, and Peter began to wake up.
He speaks passionately about what he’s seen in Iceland and in sober houses—young people in their twenties, some with multiple rehabs before age twenty-five, embracing the Big Book like their lives depended on it. Because they do. He saw people with two, three, four weeks sober doing fourth steps, making amends. He watched people get well because they understood that the obsession is spiritual, and only spiritual experience removes it.
The second half of his talk shifts to deeper work. Peter speaks about going through the steps again with a new sponsor, about learning to meditate, about unlearning old ideas that no longer serve him. And then he shares a profound spiritual experience that happened in meditation—a vision of a saint holding a baby (him), the scent of roses—that drew him back to the exact corner in South Brooklyn where his mother collapsed when he was three years old.
With help from a friend in the program, he returned to that corner. He stood where he’d stood at age three. He made amends to his mother. He spoke to that three-year-old boy who’d been abandoned there in his mind for forty years, assuring him he was safe now, that he’d come home. On the ground near that spot, someone had written “Peter, Johnny with love” with three X’s underneath—the names of him and his brother.
Peter describes this as putting away something he’d carried his whole life. Not just the alcoholism, but the wound underneath it.
Notable Quotes
What I was given here is a road to freedom, a road to bliss and experiencing joy.
I don’t live life on life’s terms. I can’t pull that off, man. I tried doing that. I almost died doing that. On God’s terms, a little different picture. It’s simple and easy.
Booze is a symptom. Alcohol helped me deal with my alcoholism. That was pointed out to me very clearly not too long ago.
Our book uses words like a tornado roaring through the lives of others. We leave damage and debris. Who’s cleaning it up? Them. How arrogant of me to say that. Well, I’m not drinking today, so that’s an amends. Go ask them if that’s an amends.
I am not my mind anymore. I am not my mind. I’ve woken up to that. I am not my mind because my mind would always lie to me.
Hitting Bottom
Spiritual Awakening
Step 9 – Making Amends
Sponsorship
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Big Book Study
- Hitting Bottom
- Spiritual Awakening
- Step 9 – Making Amends
- Sponsorship
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-onrise.com.
Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. And this morning, on this great day, from the uh free spirit group in Brooklyn, voted with the best hair in AA from New York to Iceland, I give you Peter M.
Is he right? I went to Iceland. They were talking about my hair, not not recovery.
My name is Peter. I'm an alcoholic. And uh you guys look great this morning.
My god. Uh Sunday morning, a room full of drunks and no one's throwing punches. Ain't that great?
Um grateful to be alive and sober and at a meeting uh this morning. uh and I'm very grateful to be here to celebrate uh with you guys. Um first things first, let me uh congratulate the group and uh also thank you for this uh very kind invitation uh to me to be here with you this morning to share.
Um God has moved me around Alcoholics Anonymous since I got here. Uh there was a time when I first got here I was looking to uh seek the fellowship I craved in my heart that I was moved to do. And over the years, I've been able to uh be part of creating a fellowship I crave.
And out of that sincere desire to recover and awaken, God has moved me to many places. Uh and based on my track record, I certainly don't belong like here this morning to celebrate. Uh standing here this morning as a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Um I I will share this too before we get going. those people. That was a great countdown.
And uh the people who are counting days um I wish I can just tell you um the importance of how and make you understand the importance of how precious these days are. And for those of us who kind of like counting years, um we can certainly uh appreciate what I'm talking about. how precious these days are where it seems like everything's caving in and you're never going to get out from under because I was there.
But if you if you stepped into a room called Alcoholics Anonymous and you begin a journey through the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, what you have just tapped into is a road to freedom, a road to bliss and experiencing joy. And I don't give that lip service to sell you on Alcoholics Anonymous. the things that seem so insurmountable right now as you're counting days wondering my god these people one guy makes 24 years and I'm here with two days how am I ever going to get that that man with 24 years said he had one day and we start that way these are very very precious days and what you seems like you can't get out from under God will do for us what we can't do for ourselves love these days man they're great the illness wants to take you back on back out onto the boulevard and get fired up man.
But the unity is fellowship. As we know, there's great power. And uh once you're right with God, nothing can touch you.
I'm a member of the free spirit group uh located in Benson, Brooklyn, where we share the only requirement for membership is not only nice hair, but uh pink pink earrings, sunglasses, and gold jewelry. Um, at my home group, we changed how it works into how you doing. And I I I'll share this story to tell you the type of spiritual gurus God put my life.
Um, I true story. Um, I was counting days like some of you guys and I I show up at Free Spirit and um, there was the guys who thought Godfather was an educational movie standing at the door and uh, they were going to go fishing and they decide to take me fishing and so there was about five of them. So, how the five guys from Benson Hurst get dressed to go fishing like I am this morning?
Um, five minutes on the boat and they were complaining about water hitting their new shoes. Um, I mean, these are guys if you know somebody yelled out land ho, they would say, "Don't talk about my mother." Um, but we're out on a boat and we're trying to catch something and finally uh this guy Sally Boy uh throws the the thing in the water and he grabs something and he starts pulling on a line. He's pulling on a line and it's getting heavier and heavier and we're hoping it's not someone from the neighborhood.
We thought was on a long vacation. So he uh brings this little fish on board and what it starts doing is starts flipping and flapping, you know, trying to jump all over the place and they start throwing punches at it and kicks at it. I start to cry because of the poor fish and they're going to throw me overboard.
And uh so what happens? Sally boy grabs this little fish in a bear hug and goes to stick his head on the water. So I says, "Sally, I I yell out, Sally Boy, what are you doing?" He says, "I'm going to drown them.
These were my leaders when I got here. Um, that's a true story. Um, and I'm here today recovered.
Imagine. I just uh come back from a I came back from a trip in Iceland. I I I had the the honor of going out there to uh to speak and uh I I couldn't believe I was invited out there.
I've been invited to some really neat places. Um, but who would ever think about going to Iceland? My dad says they have drunks in Iceland.
I I didn't think so, but there I am uh going to Iceland with a couple of friends and um we go speak at this three-day deal out there and it was it it will be until God takes me from here one of the many bright spots in my life. Um there's a lot of young people here this morning and I I cannot believe the enthusiasm uh that I was in the middle of and the excitement for Alcoholics Anonymous, especially our big book and the recovery program that is in the first portion of our book. They were telling me that uh up until about 5 years ago, they were watching their brothers and sisters die of untreated alcoholism.
And a lot of these these young uh men and women were 20, 22, 23 years old, had like five and 10 rehabs behind them. I mean they grew up drinking and hit the bowy. It was it's a really bad scene out there.
And about five years ago this book our book kind of showed up again. And what they did was they have embraced it as if their life depended on it. Chapter the wives talks about four alcoholics.
The fourth being the worst and those are usually the ones that will hold on to this and recover. And there were a lot of type four alcoholics out there young people who this was it for them. And this book is being spoken and lived.
I mean, I I stood at a sober house and I remember when I first went there, I was like, "Wow, sober house. I hope this isn't rough going." And it was wonderful. I saw people there with two, three, and four weeks sober, separated from alcohol, writing inventory that they were doing their fourth step.
Some of them were even talking about the beginning of their ninstep experiences out making amends. This is great information for those who suffer from alcoholism because some of the things we're told in here is do a step a year and people die. Do the AA WS 123123.
It's nowhere in the big book. You know, get your life together first then worry about the steps. Bad information for a real alcoholic because we die with that.
And that's what they were getting. And somehow, I guess through God, they've embraced this book and people are getting well. People are sponsoring people with under a year.
I mean, we go to meetings, get a sponsor, someone has a year or more sobriety. I cannot find that in my big book. And my sponsor made it really clear to me, don't let anyone ever read my big book for me.
But here are people who were at, you know, the bitter end what our big book talks about. There was nowhere else to go but drink and die or recover. And they embraced this.
And I I stood in front of a a room full of people that were just so excited about another day of sobriety. and really holding on to where they came from. And I I really feel blessed to have been a part of that.
You don't have to go to Iceland to be excited about Alcoholics Anonymous. You don't go to have you don't have to go to Iceland to have two weeks and doing be doing your fourth step. We do it here.
We do it here. Bill didn't have 10 years before he worked the steps. Ebie showed up.
If that's my bartender, I ain't ready. Ebie Eie, you know, showed up with Bill with to Bill's house with about two months sober and Bill was drinking and Ebie still passed the message on. He planted the seed.
Many times I come to alcohol synonyms, you see a wet one say don't touch him. He's drunk. Well, where else are we going to go?
So, I feel really blessed. Again, I can't I words fall short of any kind of God experience I've had. And that certainly was one to be in the middle of all of it.
And then to be a guest speaker, what what a what a treat. What a treat. And um I'm here this morning again.
Uh uh and what a great room. You guys look indescribably wonderful this morning. A few of you I told Bart I think you guys were out in Bell Boulevard last night.
I'm not sure but uh what what a wonderful experience. Um I am very grateful uh to the recovery that has awakened my spirit that I found that I was moved to find in the big book alcoholic synonymous the first portion of our big book which little by slowly brought me moved me from one place to another and has awakened my spirit. That's why I can say I'm recovered this morning.
I'm not recovering and doing this a day at a time and trudging and holding on for dear life with the wine knuckle sobriety. I live a day at a time but my spirit's free. It knows no time.
I'm just free because of what I've been given here. But what embraced me at first was the fellowship called Alcoholic Anonymous that didn't care where I had been and what I had done and what I had looked like. They just said, "Welcome." My growing up, my dad would always tell me there's power in unity.
And I never knew what he meant until I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous and I found power in the unity of this fellowship. And I I relied so much on fellowship. It was my life from meeting to meeting to meeting because there was nowhere else for me to go and I felt safety in the p in the power of these numbers and I'm very grateful for the service that I get asked to do.
My life has been moved to my basic services comes of basis is passing this message on and the action we take is at the heart of it. you know, sitting down with another drunk across the table or on the phone and walking them walking them through this work and watch the light in their eyes go back on and they recover and they go into the fellowship and pull somebody else out and they recover and we get these clusters of excitement, cluster of enthusiasm for this book and this message. And many times we catch grief going into the the contemporary AA meetings where you're told put the plug in the jug.
And I'll share, I'm not here to upset anyone, but my experience is this. As a real alcoholic of this type in our class, I took the plug out of the jug, I had no power to keep it in there and put it away. It was I could never pull it off.
I had many, many desires to do that, but I couldn't. And so what happens is people pass this message on in this big book. We understand truth and we pass on truth.
We get free because we're experiencing our God. And to to see that happening, it's happening in Staten Island. It's happening in different parts of Brooklyn.
Bot tells me it's happening out here in Queens. Great stuff for those who care to have it. To tell you in a general way what it was like, what happened, what it's like now, what I'm trying to be like currently, what I've been moved to do currently in this work, having gone through the work again and again come out on the other side freer than when I went in.
But I will tell you this about going through the work. Waking up is painful. Waking up is uncomfortable.
Going through these steps is not a day in the park. It isn't because we visit sorted spots in our heart, in our mind, and there's a squeezing that goes on. And sadly, people don't want to visit that.
But with a good sponsor, you go back, visit your past in order to be awake to the present moment. We go back to be here now, currently, and move on. And that's what happened to me going through this work again.
But it wasn't like that um when I got here. God separate separated me from alcohol June 23rd, 1988. And there was a whole lot of things that went on before I got here and was willing to go to any lengths in 1988.
In fact, before 1988, people would come up to rehabs where I was usually stationed. Um, and they would bring an AA meeting and I thought every one of them was full of baloney that they were getting paid off by the rehab. I really wanted nothing what you guys had to offer.
And then I was moved to the bitter end. and was willing to do anything. My first drink, I grew up in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, and uh I remember my first drink like it happened a week ago.
I remember very clearly what was going on with me in here and what was going on on the corner. It was a Saturday night. Uh I was standing across the street from a church called St.
Dominic's Church and my friends were just off the corner drinking cold 45 beer and as they were drinking there was a feast happening. They seemed to be joyous, happy, and free. They were in the moment.
They were roughousing and talking to the girls and having a great time drinking. And what was going on with me was quite the opposite. Not what I experienced most days today where I'm able to pack into the mainstream.
I mean, I'm not never going to be the guy to dance on a table. You know, that that's not my deal. But I'm able to pack into the mainstream because I'm able to get free most days.
Back then, it was the opposite. I was the guy in the corner watching everything that that that that went on. I was always observing and wanting desperately to get in there and mix it up.
I could never pull that off. Why? Because there were too many things going on inside of me that were tearing me down.
I had this judge in my mind, the chatter of a million voices screaming at me all the time. All the time. From as far back as I can remember about what a loser I was.
I can never measure up to the older guys. I tried hanging out with tough guys. I got beat up.
I tried hanging out with the jocks. I couldn't do it. I tried hang hanging out with intellects.
No good. And I try to go from crew to crew to crew, and I could just I just never. It wasn't anything that they were doing, but what I was doing to me was was merciless.
And this judge would scream at me all the time. And each voice had its own agenda, pulling me in 18 different directions, magnets for trouble wherever I went. And here I stood on this Saturday night feeling like not too good about me.
This was spring summertime in January 23rd of that year. My mom who suffered from this illness didn't get to a place called Alcoholics Anonymous. What she suffered what doc uh more about alcoholism talks about um that incomprehensible demoralization.
She experienced that over and over and over again. And she was brought to a place that taking your life seems like the only solution. And that's exactly what happened.
My design for living was taken really right out of my lap. I was completely leveled by that. I've been homeless too long and arrested too many times and experienced a lot of things at the hands of alcoholism.
I bought it. This I didn't. And I think all of us get separated from this power as we go along.
We get separated from this power. Something happens. And I think that's where I was separated.
I'm not sure, but I think that's where I was separated because when my mom died, I was like this God she told me to pray to, she gave me great values, instill great vows in me. I'm a Catholic. She would take me to church, taught me how to pray, took me to confession, all those things you do growing up, and told me how this wonderful uh uh idea of God was, and then she dies, and I watched her suffer.
And I kind of kicked back and said, "Well, I'm not not so sure about this guy they call God. He ain't so nice. You just took my mom.
Why should I pray to you?" And I think that's where I was separated. This Saturday night, my friends were drinking cold 45 beer, and I wanted desperately to get in there to silence some of these voices, to get out of me. Wherever I went, there I was, and I can never escape.
And I kept thinking, if I get fired up with these guys, two things were going to happen. My dad, who back then, if he walked in the room, I'd be on a boat to China. I would I would look at him and shake in my shoes.
He was a tough guy, a South Brooklyn guy, was a street guy, and I was just the opposite. And I can never even look at this man in the eye till I got here and specifically made a ninestep approach at my dad. In fact, my family and was moved to live this, not talk about it, but moved to live this where my dad and I, you know, our roots grasp new soil today because of what took place in here.
We're on different footing. Thank the good Lord for that. But back then, man, I I would just shake if he looked at me.
And he gave me very clear warnings many times about not hanging out with the bums on the corner. He didn't want me any any part of that crew on the corner. Don't bring any of those girls around the neighborhood if I knew it was good for me.
And I was willing to listen. I didn't want to deal with the consequences. I kept thinking my friends were were drinking.
I kept thinking if my dad don't show up, I know the cops are turning the corner. I know they're and of all the guys on the corner, they're going to grab me, handcuff me, give me a beating, and I'm going to do like a 20-year bid in some jail upstate for drinking cold 45 beer on the corner. So, it's either, you know, catch a beating from my dad or get arrested by the cops.
I wanted no part of either. And I watched my friends drink and, you know, I don't know till right now currently where I stand here this morning why I put my hand in there, but it did. And I took to court and the beer went down.
It hit my gut. And you know what? Nothing happened to me.
My dad didn't drive up, nor did the cops. My friends were still standing there and so was I. Everything was okay.
And so I took a few more pops. And I took a little bit more. And as I continue to drink, something happened to me that I always share about because I never experienced this before.
And that was what our doctor's opinion talks about, a sense of ease and comfort. For the first time in my life, I experienced ease and comfort. What a great feeling.
As I continued to drink, those voices that judge that screamed at me started to go away. the the the pain of losing my mom was removed. I was not thinking about my dad or the cops.
I was in the moment. Bill says three great words in his story. I had arrived and I drank beer across the street from St.
Dominic's church on Saturday night and I arrived. I was part of life at last. This was a great thing.
I was starting to feel good. I continued to drink. I got, you know, the beer muscles.
I got taller. Um I had hair on my chest, I think, by midnight. Every girl in the corner loved me.
Um, I was Dirty Harry and Beretta rolled into one. Um, growing up in my neighborhood, I thought like I was Michael Corleone at one point. I mean, this was uh, what a good deal.
Um, what a good deal. I was I was finally part of something and I wasn't listening to to me. I used to get so nervous when I talked.
I would hear, you know, when you're really nervous and you feel the heat and the and your forehead starts to sweat and you could hear your own voice talking, you're so insecure. That's how I grew up. Cold 45 beer removed all of that.
It was a panacea for my ills for a long time. Beer, alcohol helped me deal with my alcoholism for a long time. That was pointed out to me very clearly not too long ago.
And this man never said true words to me. Alcohol helped me deal with my alcoholism. Booze is a symptom.
You know, you know that. I mean, once we get separated like those people counting days, you're separated now. What?
In order to stay separated, we need to get right with God of your understanding. There's work to be done. In fact, let me get this out of the way.
Anyone who's new and you're being told, don't drink and go to meetings. If you're real alcoholic, the people who tell you that mean well, but they're going to kill you with that. Because as a real alcoholic, we don't have power, choice, and control.
If I could just not drink and go to meetings, why would I come here? I'd stay home and not drink. I can never pull it off.
You don't have it. Lack of power was our dilemma. great words in our book.
So, if you're counting days and you're separated a couple of days when you're starting the steps, next year we may be going to visit you in a cemetery. And that's the real deal with alcoholism. I got fired up this this Saturday night um across street from St.
Dominic's Church and I felt really good by the end of the night. I was just feeling wonderful. And I went home that night and there were no uh bad scenes which were going to happen to me.
And I've heard many people share terrible stories about what happened to us on the first drunk. I went home. I went to bed.
I got up the next morning. There were no black and blues on me, no black eyes. My teeth were still in my mouth.
The clothes weren't soiled. And I remembered everything. And I remember went down to the park uh to play Sunday morning basketball games with the older guys.
And I walked into the park though a little bit different. I had gotten my stripes the night before, so my shoulders were a little bit wider and I had a little bit of a swagger walking into this park because I felt really good for the first time about me. And I knew there was a solution out there because the rest of the week I'm going to have to deal with this stuff.
But I know Saturday night rolls around, I'm going to drink and capture that elusive feeling. I'm going to get to that place out there that's indescribably wonderful and put the world at bay for a few hours. What a good deal.
and I can get through the week and I start drinking on Saturday every Saturday and I start drinking on Friday into Saturday and then it became Friday, Saturday and Sunday and what I started to experience were consequences as a direct result of my drinking and at the beginning they were like little things. Um my dad would be out hanging out with his friends and doing his thing and and I would wait for him to leave and then go out the door and I go get fired up. I had two kid brothers at home and they would see me leave the house sober.
Then they would see me come home drunk. And right from the get-go, I wasn't a pleasant drunk. Few times I was.
I was usually uh uh full of self-pity and anger and dumping lots of earthy, ugly language on their laps. In their laps about this this deck of cards this guy called God gave me. Took my mom.
I'm scared to death of my dad. He's cunning, baffling, powerful. I have no idea how to deal with him.
And I really felt totally alone in this thing called life I'm supposed to be living. And it all came out. All this poison came out.
And my two kid brothers who idolized me started to become afraid of me. They would tell my dad about what I had what had walked in the night before what I had done and then he would get me the next day and give me the riot act. I mean it wasn't like you know uh leave it to be where you go into the house library and your dad's standing there on a certain tie and he has a talk with you.
My dad's a long showman. you got cornered. Any room would do.
And uh you know, you don't blink until he's done and you go about your business. And as I said, my dad would raise his voice. My god, I would just die a thousand deaths.
And he would look he my dad would look at you right in the eye and he wanted you demanded you look at him back in the eye. I could never do that. I you know, duck and dive.
I look like a fighter in a ring. And um I mean he knew I was up to no good. Those were the early consequences.
So, right from the beginning, my family was starting to experience my alcoholism. My dad having to give me the these talks, my kid brothers becoming afraid of me, and they didn't do anything. They were experiencing my alcoholism.
See, so for me to stand here this morning and tell someone like those people counting days, don't drink and go to meetings and you're a winner, that's a lie. That is not what this is about. That's selfish and arrogant.
AA is not a selfish program. We hear that. I don't know how I wish I had a dollar for three times I've heard AA is a selfish program.
Where in a big book of alcoholics not where anywhere in our literature say AA is a selfish program? It isn't. It's about giving back.
And the first thing we need to do is practice these principles in our homes, occupations, and affairs. Which means we're probably going to be making amends shortly for the damage we caused. Because I caused a whole lot.
Not because me, Peter Marinelli is so powerful, but what I what owned me was alcoholism. And it was our words. Our book uses words like a tornado roaring through the lives of others.
We leave damage and debris. Who's cleaning it up? Them.
How arrogant of me to say that. Well, I'm not drinking today, so that's an amends. Go ask them if that's an amends.
They're starting to squirm. Um, I remember uh going back to the corner and drinking and worrying about what my dad was going to do now that I walked in cuz he was hip to my drinking and so were my kid brothers. And so what I started to do is, you know, I would get a curfew and that went out the window as soon as I was told about a curfew.
And I'd start, you know, bouncing around and sleeping in different places, sleeping over a friend's house. And my dad would, as soon as I would call him, he would say, where are you? Not even, "Hello, where are you?" Because he knew I was in trouble.
And I would tell him, "Well, I'm at this guy's house. I'm I'm keeping company with this girl. I want you home by a certain hour." And he would hang up the phone.
I never made it home. And then I have to get into the house the next morning, and hell would break loose. And there were many unhappy scenes in this house over and over and over again.
My kid brothers are trying to, you know, go to school, had part-time jobs while they were going to school. My dad was down on the waterfront bringing home, you know, money to support his family. There was no mom in the house and I'm doing my thing and blaming them for what happened to me.
How unfair. Well, you know what? I start to experience what Bill starts talks about in his story when the morning terror madness were on him.
I start to experience that on me because I would wake up in the morning needing to get fired up and like a coward was which is what this thing turned me into a coward. I start to steal from people who love me, my family. How how bad could it be?
A beating. I'll take it, but I'm going to steal. So, if there's 50 bucks in a draw, 30's half and it goes with me.
That was my thinking. And then I start to steal money and little things that didn't belong to me. And one morning, I woke up in this frenzy.
I was not feeling good physically. My mind was racing 100 miles an hour and everyone was sleeping. So, I started going through drawers and in a china closet drawer, I discovered my dad's checkbook.
So, I got the brainstorm and our book warns about the grouching of brainstorm. got this brainstorm. I'll steal the checks, but I took the bottom one cuz I knew about serial numbers, you know, little corner numbers and I would forge his name and I go down to the bodega liquor store and I do that and I get fired up and I thought I had a good thing going cuz I didn't know about checking statements and that stuff came back and uh you know what?
He came looking for me and here's a man who would give me money whenever I needed money. You know, I start to uh bring some ugly scenes into this house and he would always have the door open for me and have these talks with me and now he caught me stealing from him and he came looking for me and I knew I was in serious trouble. You know, I never shared how I found out he was looking for me.
My kid brother, I called the house and he says, "Dad's looking for you. He found missing checks." My kid brother, all the damage I was doing was still looking to kind of get me out of trouble. How neat is that?
I didn't deserve that. and he and my uncle would drive through the Red Hood projects with a picture of me and money and pay off the wos and the junkies to say, "This is my son. Where is he?
This is what I brought to my family. He always knew where I was hanging out. My My dad had lots of friends in all parts of the neighborhood.
I mean, I'd come home and he say, "What were you doing on East Broadway in Jefferson Street?" I said, "What do you mean?" He's like, "You were down there." I said, "How's this?" He's got a crystal ball. He sees everything. Um, but he caught me uh by the South Bridge Towers uh right across street from uh the Brooklyn Bridge and I was sitting in a car with this girl and uh he jumped out of the car and I was scared to death and he screamed my name and I knew I was in trouble.
Instead of driving away, I jumped out of the car. I started to run away and he came after me and after he hollered my name a couple of times. I I didn't move.
And what I did was I blamed the girl in the car. Came up with lots of fake tears about what was going on in my life. If I blame uh the Lower East Side, some of the clubs I was hanging out, I was a a musician.
I was hanging out a lot of the clubs down there. He wasn't buying any of it, thank God. Um we well he sent me off to my first rehab.
And I went out to this place in Long Island, this really nice place, and I did the 28 day, you know, rehab deal. And um hadn't conceded to my innermost self I was a real alcoholic. The first step that they talk about in our book hadn't conceded.
I just got caught. In fact, my first few rehabs I went away because I got caught. It got too hot and I'll get out of trouble.
So, I'll do the 28 day deal. You know, get some food, warm bed, and I'll get out of trouble that way. But I was I went off to this first rehab and you know what I I did was push-ups and situps, a lot of them.
I looked great when I got out. Um, I talked about why I learned words called uh dysfunctional family and inner child and uh enablers. And I always like to talk about this stuff.
I'm not here to knock rehabs. I went through seven of them. And I'm sure there's many of us here, you know, we we have a debt of gratitude to rehabs.
But I it's important for me to maybe eliminate some of the nonsense that we hold on to when we get here because it was killing me. Enablers. And what does that mean?
Because your family gave you money, we're going to blame them because they were enablers. My family did the very best they could with what they had. And they would give me money and deny me money, throw me out and take me in.
They were trying to save my life. And dysfunctional family, you know, I'm in a meeting this morning. They're home watching TV.
I'm really the dysfunctional one. Now, let me say this. I I had things happen to me as a young boy by someone in the family that no child should ever experience.
And I'm I bet I'm willing to lay odds from here to Vegas. There's a bunch of us who had similar experiences. And I don't mean to be arrogant by saying, you know, dysfunctional family, I'm the only one.
And as you should feel the same way because things like that happen in a family that's not normal. That's horrific. It's horrible.
I can't even describe how terrible that is. But I say what I say about I'm the only dysfunctional one and I am here for this reason. The last thing my illness, my mind needs to do is to be attached to that and separate me again from God to separate me from the last stop called Alcoholics Anonymous.
The last thing my illness needs is more ammunition. Well, I'm a real alcoholic, but it was different for me because says the last thing this thing needs. Now, I'll tell you this.
with all of those terrible things that happened to me and I was purely a victim at 8 years old. You know what? I do this work.
I'm moved to go through this work. I even went to some outside help and I've been able by God's grace to put that in its place and get free of that too. So I share that with someone who maybe has those deep dark secrets way back in the room somewhere.
That stuff can die also. What great freedom for us. And I share from my experience because that's what has happened to me.
I uh got out of rehab and I went right back to the same vicious cycle again. Um after 28 days, I started hanging out in the Lower East Side and I picked up a drink. I remember I had a girlfriend meet me at the door and I told her about, you know, this 28 rehab I was in.
It was a really tough time and uh they really, you know, grilled me and and bring up a bottle to celebrate. And so she met me at the door, cracked the seal, the liquor went down, and um forget about making a meeting. I remember inquiring on St.
Mark's Place about AA meetings. I just inquired. I Well, I inquired.
That's good enough. And um and I drank and the allergy took over. There's three things that make me a real alcoholic.
And that's the obsession to alcohol. The physical allergy. Whenever I drank alcohol, the craving was intensified, never satisfied.
My mind would lie to me over and over again. I mean, I would get in terrible trouble on Monday and Tuesday. in my mind would tell me Monday wasn't that bad.
We'll do it a little different. It would pretty up a junk god to get me back to a drink. It would do anything to get me back to a drink.
I would buy the lie and the truth would show up. At the end, it almost kill me. The third thing that makes me a real alcoholic is this thing they talk about this uh the spiritual malady where I'm blocked from God.
I need to be integrated with this power. And that wasn't going on back then. And I became unlike the hard drinker, unlike the moderate drinker that our book talks about.
And I tried. I mean, our book even talks about this. You know, I've had ill health.
I fell in and out of love. I had warnings of a doctor. I needed medical attention.
All the stuff, most powerful desires to stop and still I couldn't stay stopped. I would always somewhere somehow the drink would show up and I would buy it and I would go drink. I remember uh shortly afterwards I made my uh second rehab and I made my third rehab and I start to experience some really serious untreated alcoholism and I hit my fourth rehab and somewhere around three and four um I had gotten thrown out of my family's house a few times and went to live with my grandparents and I brought my alcoholism into their house and after coming home about a two or three day drunk um and stealing from them and doing all the things that I would always do my grandmother with a broken heart asked me to leave.
And at the time, I was just so furious with her. Never verbalized it, but in my mind, I was just so furious with her. How could she tell me to leave?
I get here and I start doing this work and I realize it had to be with a broken heart. But that's what we do to people. We tear up everything.
And I would live, you know, live from girlfriend to girlfriend's house. And um I mean, you know, you're drinking around 11:00, you're in love because she looks like Bo Derek. and about 2:00 in the morning like Bo diddly and you say how did this happen and you're not so in love anymore but I would you know crash wherever I can and uh go from place to place to place.
Um, I took up residency with this girlfriend in Staten Island up above this the one of these motel above a nightclub, these hot sheet places. And uh I was living in there and she would bring me drinks up from she was a waitress and uh I remember attempting suicide this one time and uh I went to steal from her purse and I went into her purse for money and what I found was what was left of a bottle of of Valium and I remember downing them with some Jack Daniels because the courage to do battle was not there. I wanted out and I remember this very clear thought when I experienced that.
When my mom took her life, there was a part of me that said, "How do you do that? How are we brought to that place where that looks like a solution?" And part of me thought it was kind of maybe cowardly or even weak to do that stuff until I was brought to that place and I wanted out and I knew exactly what's what she had experienced. Thank good Lord that didn't take.
I went back to live with my grand uh my my my dad again and I hit my fifth rehab. And what happened here was a very valuable lesson for me. I got I was working on the the waterfront as a long shaman and I had brought a lot of my untreated stuff down there and did a lot of illegal activities down there.
Um uh and my dad would over and over and over again have to bail me out of trouble and I burned many many bridges and caused lots of shame and embarrassment to my dad. Uh but what he did for me like the cavalry was showed up and got me this apartment over in Brooklyn. It was one of these little studio joints, you know, you have to go outside to change your mind.
It's these little small places. And um what I did with this place was brought like the Bowery in there. I had like the whole lower side living in this place.
It was it was horrible. Now who lived upstairs was a landlord and he was married. He had a job.
He was going to school at night. He had a little daughter and his wife was pregnant with another and he was trying to make a life for himself. And I hated everything he and his family represented.
And it was a part of me that so much wanted to be like them. I mean, if I was home on a Sunday morning and come around around 2:00 or 3:00 in the afternoon, my head on sideways, they would have these these little gettogethers in the backyard, these Sunday gettogethers, the barbecues, and I would hear them laughing. And I hated them just so much because my life was was hell, and I just wish I can I can be like that.
I remember coming home many times on a Sunday and uh sometimes seeing people out on a Sunday morning, you know, walking their dog and going to the bagel store and coming out with a, you know, bagels and and the paper under their arms and, you know, greetings Sunday morning. And I'd be coming in after two or three days looking like hell. And I hated people like that.
I just I despised it. I could never pull that off. I remember when I got sober and I got my first apartment, um, first thing I did on a Sunday morning is went down to the bagel store.
I lived alone. and I bought a dozen bagels and uh put the paper under my arm and I felt like I can do it, you know. It was a it was a great feeling.
But back then it was a little different. This apartment um I mean I paid maybe my first rent and after that that went by the wayside and my dad would have to show up and pay the rent. Um my life hit a a place here in this apartment that I I could never survive again.
I was drinking as long as I was awake. I was drinking. I started taking some other things that just compounded my alcoholism.
I wasn't making it to the bathroom at night, nor did I care. My bed was so my clothes were filthy. I wasn't bathing.
That was the last thing on my mind. Drinking was the first thing on my mind. There was garbage all over the floor.
It smelled. I smelled worse. Um, eating was, you know, an occasional, you know, pack of Twinkies and a beer was my diet.
Um, I remember there was up above a cabinet there were a box of I never forget this man. There were a box of Domino sugar cubes and I would take a handful, put them in my pocket and that was dinner for that was good enough and that's how I would eat. Um I wasn't eating and I start to show it.
Um I remember one morning uh coming to in that that terror and madness and stumbling over to the the toilet and having to get sick. And as I finished throwing up, I looked in the mirror. what was looking back I did not recognize anymore.
My eyes were black. My ri my ribs were coming through my skin. I was about 40 or 50 pounds underweight.
I had marks all over me. And I could not believe this monster that was looking back. And I despised what was looking back.
I hated what was looking back because there was no denying truth. And I couldn't believe what I turned into. I used to want to spit at the mirror when I saw me in it.
No dignity, no self-respect, nothing. this morning. I'm here and I stand here with dignity because of what I've been given here.
And I'm so grateful for that. I would go about my business and and have to hit the streets and and and I sold everything in this apartment. My dad got me a a TV, a clock radio, got my job back on the waterfront, bought me some dress clothes and some work clothes.
and his his hope and his and my family's hope was that if I met the right girl, this would all go away. Just get the right girl. Um, you know, you need someone to help you.
My dad would always tell me, "You're weak. You need a strong woman in your life." And, um, I met an Irish girl. Oh my god, that's another fellowship altogether.
Um um I don't come home late anymore. I'll tell you that much. Tell you a quick story.
Um she met me sober. She only knows me sober, thank God. And when we first started uh keeping company, she would see me making all these meetings and she didn't know.
She wasn't hipa. She's a civilian. And she would say, "My god, you go to so many meetings.
you're always going to meetings. What's the deal with these meetings? Can't you take some time off and hang out?
And um I would explain to her how important this was. And then she heard me give my first talk. And after the meeting, she pulled me on a sign.
Just make sure you make a lot of meetings. Um so you know what? I never met the right girl.
Um, thank God they didn't meet me. Um, and I I I got bounced out of this apartment. Um, I wasn't showing up for work.
And again, um, I was doing a lot of illegal things in downtown Brooklyn and the wrong people were I was getting in trouble with the wrong people. And over and over and over again, my dad would have to get me out of trouble. And I never realized the shame and embarrassment.
My dad has this I don't want to make him larger than life, but when I was growing up, he was larger than life. But he had this very good reputation. You know, people spoke very kindly of him, but when they spoke of me, it was just the opposite.
And he, you know, would feel shame and embarrassment and terror and frustration and bewilderment, all of it because of me. I was his bedment. I was my family's beevilment.
And he would get me out of lots of trouble. And and I get bounced out of this apartment for many reasons. And I left it in a in a horror show.
And I remember going to live on the streets. And I got destroyed living on the streets. I'm not a tough guy.
I I was afraid of my own shadow. I'd walk to the I remember I used to walk in the street rather than on the sidewalk because paranoia gripped me to a point where I always thought people were going to jump out from driveways and so I would have to walk down the street in the middle of the street and I do what I ever have to do. And uh I hit my six rehab and I was in there for about a day and a half sitting in the six rehab.
And the obsession to drink alcohol was so powerful that I still had a lurking notion. I still had a reservation that if there was a crack in a wall, I was going through and I signed myself out of this place. I remember counselor sitting across the table from me pleading with me not to leave because I was going to die.
But you know the drill. I had to go. And they would try to tell me, you know, you got to think it through to where it's going to get you to.
And I would get to the feel-good part, not to the end. And that's exactly what alcoholism does. In fact, when we study our book, page 24 talks about that stuff.
It shoots the think the drink theory to to ribbons, you know, puts holes in it. I can think the drink through probably two or three times on my own power, but what about the four time where I get to the place where it ain't that bad? Page 24 on a big book talks really clear about that.
So, if you're real drunk and somebody's telling you just think it through, guess what? You may not be able to pull it off and all it takes is one time to get bit and it's over. A book says to drink is to die.
But that's what they were telling me and they meant well. But I just figured somehow someway I'll be able to control and manage my life this time. I'll regulate my drinking.
I'll only drink here and there, but right now I got to get out of here and drink now because I couldn't even deal with thinking of 28 days in this rehab. My body screamed and I got out and I went right back to the same vicious cycle. And I remember I took up uh residency in the back of a hallway on the lower side on on Division Street.
And you know what? I was drinking Blackberry Brandy, Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy.
And um good stuff. I know. Top shelf.
Um if I had a jug in the back of this hallway, it wasn't too bad. It's when I ran out and I had to go panhandle by the Manhattan Bridge and run through the streets and do all the things I did for the price of a drink. I couldn't do it anymore.
The courage to do battle, the strength to do battle, the will wasn't there anymore. What I started to experience was truly the bitter end that our book talks about. And it was a a horrible time, but it would turned out to be a great thing.
I I I am just so grateful for that experience because, you know, 15 years later, I'm willing to do anything to continue to seek this God and to grow with this God. If there was one thing done different, I may not even be here this morning. And so, I hit the streets and I would panle.
I run through the streets. I remember uh there was a was called uh Beakman Downtown Hospital. I believe they've changed the name.
And uh you know what I would do is have a jug and go into the men's room to the emergency room. No one ever checked who I was or where I was going. And I didn't have to use the bathroom, but I knew it was warm.
It was pretty safe. Someone would leave a paper and I'd have a jug and that's how we would spend half a night till the sun came up. What a deplor deplorable way to live.
This is the great things alcohol did for me. What my isms did for me. I can't express to you enough how fearful I was of everything.
Cops would turn the corner, the sirens would go, I'd freeze, you know. I hear a loud sound. I think someone was throwing shots at me.
I mean, it was just everything. I was just crumbling. Great stuff, though.
When I got here because I was moved to do anything. I wound up outside the Port Authority one day, and I I don't know how and I had lost contact with my family, but I came to I'm assuming out of a blackout outside the Port Authority on the 9th Avenue of the Port Authority. And I had what our our loving God gives every one of us I believe is that awakening that that lucid interval that our book talks about that moment of clarity where we know in here what we are that's divine intervention that's that flimsy read our book talks about that we don't know it's the loving and powerful hand of God it's just something switched something moved and that's what happened to me I didn't know it back then and I realized in this moment looking up at that 9inth Avenue, that overhead on the 9th Avenue, what I was very clear to me what I was.
And I had thought of my mom. I had thought of my my my dad and my family who suddenly I was missing them terribly. And I hated everything including God.
And I let him know about it about turning me into this, taking my mom, taking my family. I remember in a lot of four-letter ugly language cursing God, screaming at God for doing this to me. I hated him.
It took me a couple years in here to share that openly. I'm not proud of that, but that's just the way it is. And you know, if you're sitting here and you're new and you're not too sure about this God, that's okay.
Because our own conception of God, no matter how inadequate when we get here or even currently, is sufficient enough to recover to make the approach. Many times we would sit in a room and hear someone share, Jesus, that man or that woman just seems to be so right, so integrated with that spirit. I'll never get that.
The hook is, are you willing or not? And if you are, you're on your way. It doesn't make a difference.
Our book talks about, I wish I can believe like they believe. Are you willing? Yes or no?
Yes, you're on your way. It says we emphatically ensure you. Very powerful words.
God is open. They say to everyone, this ain't a club where, you know, you have to the right clothes or whatever to get in here. God doesn't work that way.
And I can share that from my own experience because trust me, based on my track record, I shouldn't even have a seat in here if this was some s some sort of exclusive club. It's inclusive. And it talks about God doesn't make too hard terms for any of us.
I don't live life on life's terms. I can't pull that off, man. I tried doing that.
I died almost I almost died doing that. On God's terms, a little different picture. It's simple and easy.
So, if you're sitting here and you're wondering about this God stuff, the question is, are you willing to grow? Yes or no? And if you are, you're on your way.
You've just stepped onto a road of freedom, not relief. Freedom, not relief. I went about my business a little bit longer and um I don't know what happened after this incident outside the Port Authority.
Uh but I remember this one incident. And I went about my business for some time and uh I was in I was dying of untreated alcoholism and wondering what was going to happen to me. Now I I made some AA meetings along the way and I was told like 90 meetings in 90 days.
I couldn't get through one and they were talking about 90 and 90. Like if you made 90 you graduated or if you didn't make 90 you you failed. When this thing first started it was impossible to do 90 and 90.
Yet the recovery rates were great. We have a billion meetings a week you can make and the recovery uh uh uh levels are terrible. How did that happen?
They would tell me meeting makers make it. I would go to meetings and get drunk on the way home. There's sobriety in the coffee pot.
I'm still looking for it. I had priests pray for me. I had my family pray for me.
I went to, you know, doctors who prescribed for me. I tried to make meetings because meeting makers make it. And I still got drunk.
And I remember walking through the streets and saying, "I can't even go back to that place. It don't even work for me." Meeting makers don't always make it. That's not my big book.
90 meetings in 90 days. If you make, you know, what if you're a mother raising two a single parent and you have a couple of kids at home and some genius tells you make 90 and 90. How is she supposed to pull it off?
What if you're a dad raising a couple of kids and working and they tell you 90 meetings in 90 days? Impo. Maybe it's impossible to do.
You ever think about that when we tell people that stuff? But we don't tell them get a sponsor, a real alcoholic sponsor because you're a real alcoholic. Because the non-alcoholic is going to tell you put the plug in a jug and when you get drunk they say he didn't want it enough.
Oh yes he did. But his sponsor ain't a real alcoholic. And the real alcoholic who's recovered, who's awake, sits down with you and says, "You know what?
Make a meeting a day. And if you don't, not to worry. You get there when you can.
But what we're going to do is get you a home group. And then what we're going to do is take you to the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, to clean up the wreckage of your past. To take a look at yourself for the first time, to be face to face and be rid of the things which are blocking you from this power, which is the only thing that's going to keep you sober.
And then go out and make amends and then go help others. And you don't need a year to do it. How often do we hear that stuff at Alcoholics Anonymous?
>> Probably count on one hand. And then people die and we say they didn't want it enough. He didn't have a desire to stop drinking.
Yeah. Ask him. The guy is here in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Unless the court said go here and some, you know, some guys get their the paper signed, you don't see them again. But the guy who walks in here, his spirit, her spirit is screaming for help. He's completely delusional, illusional, really, really sick.
A book talks about remember they are very ill, but they're here. That's the lucid interval. Give me a, you know, I'll take your number.
Give me a call next week. I'll meet you at a meeting. I'm expecting some drunk who's white knuckle and sobriety to meet me on the other side of Queens, other side of Brooklyn tomorrow night.
The guy can't get through midnight. I'm very grateful. I ran into people in Minnesota who their sobriety, their recovery depended on the next junk they worked with because they knew in order to keep it, they had to give it away.
So much of this is about emptying out in order to be awake. Giving of oneself, inventory, sharing with one another, emptying out in order to awake. I went into my seventh rehab and uh how that happened was through a series of circumstances.
Um I wound up in a hallway And I had again that bitter end. And I knew I was going to die probably on the next drink. And God again served me my truth.
And he didn't say, "You know what? Six rehabs behind you. You've cursed me.
You've burned every bridge I put in front of you. You've destroyed your family. Now I have to lock doors on you." You know what God did in his infinite mercy was open up his arms, put me in his lap, and hold me and place me in a place called Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I went away to my seventh and godwilling last rehab. And I was in there about 10 days or so. And the insidious insanity, the first drink was coming back.
And by the grace of God, I didn't pick up a drink. They sent me to Minnesota where people gave me some great information based on their experience from the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. And they told me I was suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience would conquer.
I've tried everything. And I held on to what they said. remember getting a sponsor out there and I would listen to AA tapes.
Never even knew these things existed. I would listen to AA tapes and hear people sharing about this message. I would go to a meeting on a Friday night out there called the Three Legacies meeting.
It was a speaker meeting like this morning and on the podium every speaker always brought a big book up and they would talk about how they got to where they were because of this fellowship, the recovery and passing this message on. And I remember thinking, why would I want to pass this on and hear these people talk about how it was the bright spot of their life? and I'm able to say it is one of the bright spots of my life passing this message on.
And I spent about 10 months in in Minnesota and um uh really kind of got grounded in Alcoholics Anonymous and I was brought home after about 10 months to my home group, the free spirit group. And I was taken there by a very uh wonderful uh woman who was sober longer than I was. Um remembered me when I was bouncing in and out like a few of them did.
and I got taken to the free spirit group and uh my first appointed teacher showed up. How did my sponsor show up? I asked God.
If you're new and or you're here a while and you're wondering who to ask for a sponsor, ask God first because he'll give you a teacher. Why would he deny you someone to bring you to him? And I remember praying.
I remember a guy walking in with a lot of literature. He looked really official. I fig he must be the AA guru.
I'll ask him. And um God kept telling me in that quiet voice, you know that little nudge that we get, wait, wait. And then this guy showed up one night and gave a talk and that that voice has approached that man.
And I did. And I began a journey through this book from the cover. And one of the very first things I was shown, it's not in our fourth edition, they're supposed to be putting it back.
And I really hope AA is not trying to become politically correct, but that's an issue for World Services. But the third edition about twothirds of the way down on the fly page says, "But the basic text pages 1 to 164 have remained unchanged. This is the AA message.
This is the AA message." So in other words, everything else is what? And that's what was passed on to me, that message. And we began a journey.
My sponsor didn't say go home and read page 449 and call me tomorrow. You know, read how it works. We began and I had to find my truth.
Even though I knew what it was, I had to see it in doctor's opinion and move through this book. And little by slowly, I started to get awake and recover. My family started to become reassembled.
Things started to change for me. There were a lot of changes that were going on that until I was on the other side, I didn't rec real realize what was happening to me. I was just being moved, propelled.
A book talked about being rocketed to a fourth dimension. About a year or so ago, um I remember hearing this man from Texas talk many times on tapes and um I was starting to experience what he called flatlining in certain areas of my life. And what I started to do in a very subtle way was start to run the show.
God would take care of my alcohol problem, but I'll take care of this problem. And I start to experience different manifestations of self and fear and all that went with it. And I finally approached this man and asked him to if he can sponsor me and take me through this work.
I thank my old sponsor for his for all he did for me. And my life the doors have been kicked wide open again getting freer because of this work and all I did was suit up and show up. It has been a great experience about learning unlearning old ideas that no longer work for new ones that do.
You know, finding out, you know, like a question was asked of me and I took into meditation. How many times on my need, we talk about needs and wants in Alcoholics Anonymous. How many times do I what I think are my needs are really wants disguised and I go out and chase because I really need this and really all it is a want and what I am in is back in self again.
How many attachments do I have of things outside of this God? I was there was a time I was very attached to the methodology in this book and I realized it's more about having an experience with the information in this book. Great things and I'll just I'll I'll I'll close with this.
Um I've had some wonderful experiences um in in Alcoholics Anonymous in in meditation. And the most recent thing that has kind of like turned my life around was um I was in meditation having this experience and um there was something that happened to me when I was 3 years old in South Brooklyn on Van Brunt and Walcott Street. I watched my mom have a nervous breakdown.
I was about three and she collapsed. And I remember there were lots of people around and and I lived up above a lunchonet and uh this man who owned a lunch and I remember as this was happening he took me away, covered my eyes and took me away and I was to see my mom about I don't know an hour or so later in the hospital in the emergency room and they closed the door and I remember I was stuck with that. It was one of those horrible things you just don't forget.
And I always thought about going back to this corner over the years as my sponsor has told me. I've always listened to my mind because my mind would say it's not that important. You don't have to go back and visit that.
You don't have to put closure on it. I am not my mind anymore. I am not my mind.
I've woken up to that. I am not my mind because my mind would always lie to me. And I'm doing this meditation.
No expectation. I'm sitting in meditation. After about 15 or 20 minutes, I get this this vision of what comes to me.
Seems to be this old broken down bronze statue. And I didn't think much about it. Next day I'm in meditation again.
It comes to me again. It's a little bit clearer. It gets clearer.
And it turned out to be I'm a Catholic of this saint and at the very end she's holding a baby and the baby was was me. I remember smelling what I thought were flowers. It they were roses and my sponsor told me about the significance of that.
I didn't think much of it. I just was being moved through this. That happened to me a couple of times.
And what came out of this was to go visit that place in South Brooklyn that I needed to go back there. And my sponsor told me, "You need to connect the dots right now. You need to be moved with this.
Don't listen to your mind anymore." A friend from California was in in town, this guy Joe H. And my sponsor was back in Texas, and he said, "Speak to Joe about this. He'll know exactly what you're doing." And this was a Thursday night, and Joe says, "I'll meet you Saturday.
Let's go." And I go down to Van Bruntton Walcott, and Joe's telling me about his a lot of ninestep experiences. He says, "Did you ever think you need to maybe make an amends to your mom?" And I says, "No." He maybe you do. How many times did you feel you could have prevented her or maybe did something different to stop this?
Maybe you just need to not amend. Just tell her that. We drive up to the place.
I'm ready to get out of the car and he holds me and he he grabs my hands and he makes this prayer. I make a prayer and I get out of the car and I'm standing there and I'm looking around and I get to a spot not six inches to the left and not six inches to the right but the exact spot where I stood when I was three. And I was convinced of it.
I could feel it and I remember looking across about 20 25 feet away on this wall. I remember my mom slapping the wall in hysterics. I think she was looking at me and her collapsing and they took her away.
And I walked over to that wall where she stood and I can I can I can't explain. Talk about God. Words fall short.
Silence makes no sense. But I stood at this spot and I I put my hand on a wall that she kept slapping before she collapsed. and I made a prayer and I walked back to where I stood and I made another prayer and to say the least it it was somewhat emotional.
And Joe was sitting in the car with the car light on and um I finished up and I went to get back into the car and something stopped me cold as I opened up the door. It was just so real. I says, "Joe, I can't leave.
I can't leave this kid here anymore. He's been here for 40 years just stuck on this corner." With that, Joe jumps out of the car and says, "You better do something with him." I says, "What?" He says, "God will tell you." And I says, "Thanks a lot for the advice." I said, "What do I do?" He says, "You got to get rid of this." I said, "But I don't want to leave this kid." He's, "No, there's been too much guilt for 43 years with this. You need to let go of this.
Talk to God." So, I get down on one knee and I'm and I'm making a prayer. And now people, this is not the best neighborhood. They're starting to look out the window.
who these two maniacs walking around in the corner because Joe's scoping out the neighbor like he's about to shoot a Hollywood movie or something and uh he's smoking a cigarette and I realized later on what he was doing. I hit my knee and I make a prayer and I begin to talk to this kid who's three, who's really me and assured him that he did nothing wrong and that he was going to come home with me and that he was going to be safe and protected. And I remember making a talk with my mom who I've had some experiences in meditation with her, but this was closure on something very ugly and yet beauty came out of it.
Joe pointed across the street and there was a store called Hope and Anchor. He says, "Interesting name for what we're doing here." And he looked on a wall. He was looking around for something and he looked on a wall and there was this little box with flowers drawn in it, spray painting and crayons and stuff.
He's pretty interesting. He says, "Flowers, birth, new." And uh he looked upstairs. You lived upstairs.
He says, "You stood there and your mom was here. Upstairs, you your mom." And he was making this big triangle. And I thought there was some significance to that.
And he's walking around and he looks on the ground. He says, "Take a look at that. It's pretty interesting." I had two kid brothers, John and Anthony.
Anthony was not yet born when this thing happened. My brother Johnny was a newborn. I remember my dad, you know, hollering and trying to talk to my mom.
You have two little sons. You have a newborn. And the way he would talk to her, please straighten out.
And he would tell me the same talk years later. And on the ground, what was written was Peter, Johnny with love, and three little X's underneath. It could have been written by anyone in the neighborhood, but at that moment, it had a hell of a lot of significance for me.
because I have found it here with God all things are possible. I remember being struck by that completely and um you know Joe really moving me through that, helping me get through that because it was it had an impact and we got back in the car and I gave thanks to my God and I moved on and I put something away and I took that little kid who's been there for the last 40 years with me home, no longer abandoned. To some that's not much.
To me it's a whole lot. It's about what takes place in this very sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. The blessings and the gifts we get here, the awakenings we get here, and they're little things and sometimes very big and significant, but when God shows up, God shows up.
I feel very blessed and privileged to be a recovered member of this great place, this wonderful place, this sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. I thank you for my sobriety. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise.
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