AA Speakers – Robin & Fernando – Yuma, AZ – 2007
Robin and Fernando share their AA speaker stories from Yuma, Arizona. Two powerful recovery tales of hitting bottom, working the steps, and finding freedom through Alcoholics Anonymous.
Robin and Fernando, a married couple in recovery, share their AA speaker stories at a meeting in Yuma, Arizona. Robin went from a 15-year-old sneaking drinks at nightclubs to eight years of rapid-progression alcoholism, ending up homeless and broken before finding Alcoholics Anonymous. Fernando’s story takes him from childhood in East Los Angeles with parents involved in the Mexican mafia and gang activity, through a dangerous adolescence and young adulthood, to a complete spiritual and physical surrender that finally stuck. Both talks focus on the power of the steps, sponsorship, and service work in changing their lives.
Robin and Fernando share two separate AA speaker stories about their drinking careers and recovery through Alcoholics Anonymous. Robin describes rapid-progression alcoholism starting at age 15, characterized by blackout drinking, shame, and eventual homelessness before finding the fellowship. Fernando’s story begins in East LA with parents in the Mexican mafia, progresses through gang activity and serious physical deterioration, and finally breaks through after eight years of trying other solutions when he got a sponsor and worked the steps. Both speakers emphasize the importance of sponsorship, home groups, step work, and service as the foundation of their sustained sobriety.
Episode Summary
Robin starts her talk by addressing the shame and stigma that women face in alcoholism—a disease she says progresses rapidly in women, though she didn’t look like the stereotypical alcoholic. She grew up feeling like she didn’t fit anywhere, abandoned by both parents early. At 15, she had her first drunk on Cisco wine, and from that moment, she needed more. For the next eight years, she drank with an intensity that shocked even other alcoholics in bars. Her drinking was about escape: when she drank, the rage didn’t matter, the abandonment didn’t matter, no one’s love or lack thereof mattered.
The turning point came during a period of living in a filthy apartment near bars, using a regular cab driver named Peggy to ferry her to and from the bar every single night. Three weeks of sitting on bar stools on crutches (from a broken ankle she got swinging around a light pole on New Year’s Eve) reduced her to complete demoralization. One freezing January morning on a urine-soaked mattress, she called Alcoholics Anonymous. That first meeting changed everything—a stranger brought her coffee, and that small kindness undid her. She worked the steps with a sponsor who told her plainly, “Pay attention, Robin, because the only reason God’s sparing you is so you could turn around and spare someone else.”
Robin’s first year sober was brutal. She lived in a garage without a toilet or heater, had six different jobs, and was institutionalized for suicidal depression at year and a half. But she stayed. She got busy in the rooms—made coffee, passed out chips, secretaried meetings, did service work. Within six years, she went from a high school dropout to a straight-A college student, got married, and became a sponsor to other women. She closes by reminding newcomers: if you feel like you can’t go any lower, there’s still hope. Do a few simple things—get a sponsor, work the steps, go to meetings—and it gets better.
Fernando’s story covers similar ground but from a drastically different starting point. Born to two active alcoholics in East LA, with parents in gangs and drug trafficking, he grew up at parties, sneaking drinks as a small child. He loved the feeling of being like the tough guys he admired. By sixth grade, he couldn’t tell truth from falsehood about alcohol. By 16, he was puking blood. His father, forced to AA for a DUI, gave him the Big Book before going to prison, telling him he didn’t need it.
Fernando’s disease escalated through his teens and twenties. He dropped out of high school, spent time in his grandparents’ garage, got a DUI at 21, and spent eight years trying everything except actually working with a sponsor. He went through treatment multiple times, went to AA meetings and just got his court card signed, but couldn’t take the steps seriously. He had a job, almost lost it, and in desperation finally went to AA again. This time, he was literally homeless, looking like someone who’d been through hell—mohawk, piercings, filthy clothes held together with duct tape, mold growing on his skin from his immune system being destroyed. He was 100 pounds lighter than his healthy weight.
In that speaker meeting, no one talked to him except some men from a men’s stag group. One of those men became his sponsor, and Fernando finally did what he’d heard for years: he surrendered. He asked another man to run his life, to be his sponsor, and he worked the steps. From that point—April 28, 1998—he hasn’t had to take a drink or use any drug to change his feelings. He emphasizes that sitting in meetings and not drinking doesn’t cure alcoholism; the 12 steps do. He also makes clear that AA isn’t for those who need it or those who want it—it’s for those who do it.
Both speakers credit their sponsor, their home group, and their willingness to work the steps and carry the message to others. The common thread is that the fellowship and the steps didn’t just stop their drinking—they gave them lives worth living.
Notable Quotes
I’m so grateful that shame is no longer necessary in my life because of the power of the steps and of these rooms.
When I drank, it didn’t matter if you loved me. When I drank, it didn’t matter if I loved you. When I drank, none of those feelings mattered anymore.
If I left five minutes before the miracle happened, I would have missed it all.
The only reason God’s sparing you is so you could turn around and spare someone else.
Alcoholics Anonymous is for those that do it. I couldn’t get it till I did it.
I haven’t had to take a drink or put any other drug in my body to change how I feel since April 28th, 1998.
Sponsorship
Step 12 – Carrying the Message
Hitting Bottom
Big Book Study
Topics Covered in This Transcript
- Step 1 – Powerlessness
- Sponsorship
- Step 12 – Carrying the Message
- Hitting Bottom
- Big Book Study
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Full AA Speaker Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain minor errors. For the best experience, listen to the audio above.
Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly. So, be sure to subscribe.
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We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. especially grateful and thankful to be here tonight sober through the grace of God this fellowship the a program and I also have the privilege and the honor of introducing our speakers tonight and I've known at least Robin I've known for a considerable period of time and in recent months or recent years now have come to know her husband Fernando and uh we we were at their wedding and it was m mostly an AA for us it was AA wedding surrounded with AA people great people of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was exciting wedding.
But what we were really impressed with was Robins Vernandel's excitement and enthusiasm for sobriety. And when Robin was asked to come to share here, she she was excited to come and say and tell what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for her. And believe me, from where she come from, Alcoholics Anonymous has really worked.
So Robin's going first. Robin Oh, do you have a step stool for me? >> Just a step.
>> Wonderful. >> I like steps. My name is Robin.
I'm an alcoholic. >> Oh, I have to tell you that it is a privilege to be here. Um, and I'm I'm really grateful to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, especially sober woman.
It can be so demoralizing. And can you hear me back there? Okay, let me fix this mic.
Can you hear me now? How do I audition for the Verizon commercials? Can you hear me now?
Okay. Is that better? >> All right.
It's especially demoralizing, I think, for me to to be a woman alcoholic. Um, there was so much shame for me drinking as a woman. And I'm so grateful that that shame is no longer necessary in my life because of the power of of the steps and of this room of these rooms really.
Um, I'm going to tell you a little bit about what it was like and what what happened and what it's like now. Um, as efficiently as I can in the amount of time that we have. The truth is is that if we all had all night to to sit here and talk, I I could go on and on and on about the various things that have happened to me in my drinking uh during my the initial stages of my recovery and since, you know, in my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I I have a limited amount of time.
So, I will do the best I can and know that my higher power will put out of my mouth whatever is supposed to come out. Um, the disease of alcoholism progressed very very rapidly in me as it often does in women. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about how it progresses more rapidly in women.
And um I've had people in meetings tell me, "You're the least alcoholic looking woman I've seen." And I think, well, what does an alcoholic look like? You know, and um a lot of you didn't look the way I expected you to look when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I had this preconceived idea myself about what an alcoholic looked like.
An alcoholic was always dirty, always homeless, and always toothless. And that was absolutely not true. Sometimes Sometimes an alcoholic is those things, but not always.
Sometimes an alcoholic looks like a cleancut girl that lived down the street from you in your cleancut, you know, middle class town. And um my alcoholism I thought was a secret. I think my family knew, but a lot of people didn't.
Um and that increased my shame. I thought I was a really bad, irresponsible, horrible person. And I was always trying to be good and I was always trying to get it right.
I didn't know until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous that I was sick, that I had a disease that affected my mind, my body, and my spirit. I didn't know that until I got here. Um, I was 15 years old the first time I got really raging drunk.
I grew up in an alcoholic home, but I don't believe that that's why I'm an alcoholic. Absolutely not. Um, maybe except for hereditary, but you know, but I don't believe that because my dad is a drunk I had to drink.
I had to drink because I'm an alcoholic. Period. You know, I know people that grew up in alcoholic homes that didn't go on trying to kill themselves with booze.
And so, you know, just because you live in an alcoholic home or an abusive home or maybe life dealt you a hard hand doesn't mean that that that's why you drink. I drink. Well, I don't know why you drink, but I know that I drink because I I'm an alcoholic.
And um I'm glad that I know that today. I'm glad that I finally know what was wrong with me because my whole life I felt like there's something wrong with me. I just didn't quite fit in.
You know, I've I've heard people describe it around aa that it was like I always felt like I was trying to put a round peg into a square hole and it just didn't fit. And I just didn't fit anywhere, you know. And I remember feeling that way from very very early in my life.
By the time I was eight, my folks split up. My mom was um unable to care for me and my brother. My dad was drinking and he had full custody of us.
So, he was unable to care for us too. And I felt very much thrown away and abandoned by both of my parents at a very young age. And um I remember thinking for a very long time that that was what was wrong with me is I came from a broken home.
And if you came from the home I came from, you would drink too. If you had the dad I had, you would drink too. If you got abused the way I got abused, both physically and emotionally, you would drink, too.
And I used that as an excuse for a long time for my drinking. So, the first time I got drunk, I was 15. I was going to a nightclub.
I had a a friend that had an older sister that knew the guy at the door. You know how that works. And um you know, he got us in.
And I remember we went through a drive-thru dairy um before we went to the club and they got three big Cisco and um one for each of us and they gave me mine and the club was 30 minutes away and uh my parents of course thought that I was like going to the movies or something, you know. And um by the time we got to the club 30 minutes away, my Cisco was gone and they were still sipping on theirs. And they went on ahead of me into the club while I finished theirs as well.
Three cisco in a 95 pound 15year-old doesn't go over well. And um I went into the club and I remember not really even having a very good time because I was too busy walking around the tables picking up half empty bottles and drinking them because I wasn't I didn't have an idea and I wasn't old enough to go up to the bar and order a drink. And that is my first experience with drinking.
From the gate I could not get enough. From the gate I needed to have more from the gate. It did not matter even if that booze was not mine.
I mean, I was willing to like take other people's drinks without asking. I mean, they I think they call it stealing, but um I didn't see it that way. I just figured they're dancing, they don't want it, you know.
And um so that's how I was drinking right away, you know. Um I don't believe that, you know, the big book talks about this potential alcoholic idea, you know, how us young people might be but potential alcoholics. And I tried to convince my first sponsor that I was one of those, but she she wasn't buying it, you know.
Um I definitely didn't get to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous as a potential alcoholic by the time I got to the rooms of Alcohol. And I continued to drink that way, by the way, for like eight years. And I would I got here and I heard people that talked about drinking for 40 years.
And I was so jealous that you all got to get away with it for so long. I thought, damn it, I only got to drink for eight lousy years and I'm already here with you. you know, and um I wasn't happy about that.
And and you know, and I would hear I I heard, you know, that old-timers would tell us, young folk that they drank more than we spilled. And I I heard a younger person rebutt that once. Her rebuttal was, "Well, if you didn't spill so much, maybe you would got here sooner." And I felt that way, you know, and um I could relate to that, you know.
It's like I didn't spill my booze, you know. And um and you know, this is kind of embarrassing, but one time I was uh I walked to a liquor store and I got this this bottle and it was in this paper bag and I was so drunk that I tripped and fell and it broke the glass in the bag and I brought the bag up to my face to suck the booze out of the paper bag. So even if I spilled, I had to suck up the excess.
That's the kind of drunk I was. And um and I was under the delusion that I was cute, that I was sophisticated, and I was a lady. I mean, I don't know how many ladies suck juice out of a paper bag, but that's, you know, and my other thing, too, is that I'm absolutely powerless over alcohol, but when I drink, I'm also powerless over my bladder.
And so, I also have this problem not only of getting drunk in public, but of wetting my pants in public everywhere I go. And um and I don't know too many ladies that do that either. And um but you know, in my mind, because I started off with wine, I was a lady.
And um because I drank my vodka in fancy um triangle-shaped glasses, I think they call martini glasses, you know, I was a lady. And um of course, I also prided myself in being able to take 10 shots of tequila in a row with no lime or salt. I don't know too many ladies that do that.
So I drank as much as I could get my hands on. And um and thank God for alcohol. Thank God for alcohol.
I was shocked when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I found out the people in AA did not have a contempt for drinking. We're not prohibitionists here. We don't think there's anything horribly wrong with it.
I mean, maybe some of us think it's morally wrong, but AA, you know, thank God for alcohol. In a way, alcohol kind of saved my life. I was nutty before I ever took a drink.
Before that first drunk at that nightclub, I was absolutely nutty. Um, I in a fit of rage, this is before I ever took a drink. In a fit of rage, I destroyed my stepfather, my mother's condo with a bat.
I broke everything in the house in a fit of rage. Just blind rage. And then I staged a robbery to cover it up.
15, I did this before I ever took a drink, you know. No, I think I was 14. I can't remember.
Instead of facing the consequences for that, I think my folks wanted to put me in therapy or something. I opted to move back in with my alcoholic father. And that was hell.
And I'd rather go back to hell than be responsible for my actions. And I didn't know why I even did it. I had no idea why I had done that at that time.
I now know it was because I was angry. I was angry because I felt alone. I felt abandoned and I didn't know how to talk about that, you know.
And I also think that there's just some mysterious ism that makes us do nutty things. I am bodily and mentally different than my fellows. And um so I went back to live with my dad and my dad got drunk one night, put a gun in my face and scared the beevers out of me.
And I ran away from home and I was running around on the streets and I got a horrible kidney infection a few months later because it's real hard to find a place to go to the bathroom when you run in the streets at 15. And that kidney infection almost killed me. And somebody picked me up and took me to the hospital and they packed me a nice and pumped me full of antibiotics and sent me on my way.
and I went back down to finally live with mom again. And my mom and my stepdad had their hands full for a long time with me. And um I moved in and out of their house seven different times.
I dropped out of high school halfway through my junior year. I was drinking every opportunity I had and hiding it as best as I could. And um and what's amazing is that to the dismay of my high school counselor and my parents, I had a 3.8 GPA.
I was in the concert choir. I was interested in the mock trial in the girls league. Um, I ran on the cross country team.
There was nothing wrong with me. There was no reason why I couldn't have been a successful student. There was no reason why I couldn't have gotten into a great college.
There was no reason why I couldn't have been everything that my parents dreamed of having in their little girl except that I was an alcoholic that wasn't being treated for alcoholism because nobody knew, not even me. Nobody knew what was wrong with me. And I'm so grateful today that I know what's wrong with me.
I'm so grateful that I know that I'm an alcoholic and I'm so grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous because the solution is in Alcoholics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous was named after the book. So the solution if I say is an Alcoholics Anonymous it's in the book and what's in the book but the steps 12 steps and it's a design for living that's totally changed my life. When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous the end of the end for me after lots of drinking just like the kind of drinking I just described much much more of the same.
I think I had fun in my drinking a couple of times because it saved me from that insanity of like rage and destroying because when I drank I wasn't mad no more. When I was drank, it didn't matter no more that I was abandoned. When I when I was when I drank, it didn't matter if you loved me.
When I drank, it didn't matter if I loved you. You know, when I drank, it didn't matter if I did well in school. It didn't matter if I all those feelings that I wasn't going to make it in the world.
I mean, I didn't feel like I was going to make it in the world when I was eight. Most people don't start worrying about that till they're in high school or later, you know, and none of that mattered to me anymore. When I drank, when the car broke down, my solution was go to the bar.
It just took all the care and concern of living away from me, you know. It just it was the ease and comfort that I always wanted when I first started drinking. And I'm sure I had a little bit of fun.
Once once I think I had fun in Rosarto, but I can't really remember the trip. So, I think I had fun though cuz I don't remember anything too horrible about it, but I was a blackout drinker, you know. And so, the the beginning of the end for me was um I had moved to this town called Fullerton because it was closer to my my job.
I was living with my folks in a town called Chino Hills and working like, you know, an hour away. And what was happening is I stopping after work to drink every day and then driving a long ways to go back to my parents house. And I was really scared of getting a DUI.
I was horrified of that because I wouldn't do jail well. Okay, I'm like five foot little white girl, you know, 100 pounds. I'm like, I would not do jail well.
And so I I really was frightened of being arrested and um and I had sat in the back of cop cars many times, but for some reason I just always got out of it. I'd been pulled over many times, drunk driving, you know, and um so I moved closer to my favorite bars and um two days after I moved there, I decided I didn't want to drink there. I wanted to drink somewhere else.
And I got in my car and got on the freeway. I I just no matter where I went, I wasn't going to be happy. And of course, it wasn't the alcohol.
It was that bar. You know, I'd get restless, irritable, and discontented everywhere I went. And so I'd change brands of of drink.
you know, the tequila is making me pissed off. I'm going to go back to wine and drink like a lady. Or it's that damn bartender.
He's such a jerk. I'm going to change bars, you know, and um I can't believe they 86 to me. I only stole a wallet once.
You know what I mean? Like, so I was kind of a stuckup drinker in that sense. But um so I got in the car and I'm I'm driving to LA.
I want to go drink in Hollywood to hell with Orange County, you know. And I totaled my car going 68 miles an hour at impact on the freeway. Two other cars were involved and I was drunk and um nobody was seriously hurt.
My car was totaled and I remember that they brought me to the hospital and somehow I got through that. They and didn't get a DUI. They wrote on my release papers, don't drink and drive.
They underlined it three times and put three exclamation points, but somehow I didn't get a DUI. They probably just failed to report it. California law requires hospitals to report it, but they they didn't.
And I I didn't get a DUI. I remember the next day I took the last like $10 that was in my pocket because I was always living handtomouth and um took a cab back to the apartment I was living in with two other girls that drank like I did and it was a horrible apartment. They had this little pug dog that crapped on the floor all the time and nobody picked it up and it was just dirty and smelly and not ladylike at all.
And um you know, my room always smelt like urine because I was always peeing on the bed and I used to blame it on the dog. But um or whoever I happened to bring home with me that night and um I'd look at him like it was his fault. And I'm not alone.
I've heard other men and women say the same thing. So I'm not alone. Um that was one of the reliefs to me in Alcoholics Anonymous is that I'm not the only one that did these embarrassing things.
That was such a relief to me because I thought I was the only one. You know, this is a disease of loneliness, man. And I thought I was the only one that hurt like I did.
And I thought I was the only one that was embarrassed like I was. And I wasn't alone. I wasn't alone.
And so I didn't have a drinking problem. I had a car payment problem. And after I totaled the car, that was taken care of.
And I'll just walk to the bars. That's why I moved to that neighborhood anyway. It was closer to my favorite bars.
And um God has a sense of humor because a month later I broke my ankle drunk walking. And I did that actually on purpose. I ran into a light pole on on foot on per purpose because it was New Year's Eve and I wanted to swing around it like they do in the movies.
But in my drunken state, I I failed to perceive that the light pole was like twice my width. And so I ran right into it and broke my ankle. And um so then I couldn't walk to the bars anymore.
and now I'm on crutches. And so I decided, well, I didn't really like walking. It wasn't safe for me to walk at night anyway.
I don't have a drinking problem. I have a transportation problem. And so I called the cab company.
And um so I got a regular cab driver. Her name was Peggy. And Peggy would come pick me up every night and she'd take me to the bar because I was a bar drinker.
I was too lonely to drink alone. Although towards the end, I really kind of had to because it was getting too humiliating to drink in public. And besides, all my favorite places were throwing me out.
And um so I in the end I would sit in a room and flip through my phone book looking for a new name to call and there never was one. There never was one. You know, maybe some drug dealer that I owed money to or my mom who always looked at me with this look on her face of like it was it was a combination of disgust and terror.
So I didn't want to call her because I hated that look. I I've heard it dubbed the Alanon look. And um she doesn't look at me like that anymore, by the way.
It's a relief. My mom looks at me and she hugs me and she's happy to see me and it's great, you know. Um, so Peggy would take me to the bar and she'd come pick me up at 1:30 and she knew she had to be there at 1:30 because I had to scrape up enough money in the bar and I'm I don't even want to tell you how I managed to do that, but I found my ways to get a little bit of extra money before I left the bar.
Sometimes I stole it. Sometimes I finagled it in my own ways. And and um I had to have that money when I left the bar because I had to get a bottle before I went home because I had to have something to nurse me back to life in the morning.
Three weeks of that, I'd hobble my way into the bar on my crutches because my ankles broke. And I propped the crutches up on the bar next to me and I'd sit at the end of the bar drinking alone. Even the drunks in the bars didn't want to drink with me because they knew that they'd get thrown out with me when I did.
So, they stayed away from me so that they could be left alone to drink. And um it was just demoralization like any nothing I can even begin to describe. But if you're an alcoholic like me, man, you know what I'm talking about.
I don't have to try to describe it. And Peggy' come pick me up. And one day, I came to on that urine soaked mattress.
It was freezing cold. It was the middle of January just like it is now. And I I called Alcoholics Anonymous.
I knew about AA because the preacher in my church when I was a kid was always saying my dad needed to go and I knew that's where people went that drank too much. And I thought maybe my drinking too much might have something to do with my state. And um they sent me to a meeting at one of the one at a club just like this one.
And I called Peggy and I said, "Peggy, I'm not going to the bar tonight. I'm going to 218 North Malden." which was the address of the place I went. And she pulled up next next to the club, and she turned around, she looked at me, and she said, "Honey, do you need me to pick you up in an hour and a half?" And I thought, "How does she know how long I need to be here?
She must know that this is a a Oh my god, she knows I'm an alcoholic." You know, like getting into her cab every night full of urine and booze didn't give me away. And um I never saw Peggy again, but she was one of my many angels. She got me home safe every night cuz to be an alcoholic woman means that I'm always seconds and inches away from death or destruction, you know, and and I'm grateful I'm grateful for the people that delivered me home safely.
And um even in that state that she didn't think that I was too beneath her to help me. And uh I hobbled my way into my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous on those crutches. And I remember thinking I didn't even know why I got I went, you know, I thought, why am I here, man?
I don't know what I'm here for. And I remember that first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Somebody carried me a half a cup of coffee.
And I cry every time I talk about this cup of coffee because I didn't even like coffee. Okay, now I can't get enough of it. But I should practically own stocks and Starbucks.
But um you know somebody carried me a cup of coffee and it was the first kind thing that anybody had done for me in a long time and justifiably so. It's not exactly like I was making it very easy for people to be nice to me and it was the first kind gesture and it was the smallest thing. It was just a cup of coffee but it meant that somebody noticed I was alive and somebody cared if I had a moment of comfort.
And I've had nothing but that in Alcoholics Anonymous in the last six years of my sobriety. I'm in rooms full of people that care that I'm alive and will go out of their way just to see that I have a moment of comfort. And that ease and comfort that I got from booze, I now get from the steps and my higher power and the people and the fellowship and the service and all of the things that Alcoholics Anonymous has to offer me.
you know, and and today, instead of those superficial acquaintances of people in the bars, I have real meaningful relationships with people, and we talk about real things. And Alcoholic Anonymous has afforded me so much in my life. You know, I I'm a high school dropout and now I'm a straight A college student.
You know, um one more semester, my GPA is going to be back up over a 3.0. And uh I've had the same job for, you know, the last five years. And um I got married in April and me and my husband went to Kawaii and I never used to leave the bar stool, you know, and um a girl I sponsored was my maid of honor and I've got I got to see her pick up two years and that meant more to me than my own chip to see other people recover.
It says in the big book that's some that's something you will not want to miss. You must not miss working with others and seeing other people get this thing too, you know. And it and it was drilled into me from the very beginning.
My first sponsor told me, she said, "Robin, pay attention to what we're doing here." I'd go to her house every Tuesday to work the steps and whether I drank or not, cuz I drank the first year of going to meetings before I stayed sober. I ended up in a low bottom indigent detox. And I came to and there, and I thought, how did a nice girl like me get here?
You know, this is where the homeless bums go. And I thought, I'm a homeless bum. The first year of my sobriety, the best I could do was live in a garage.
I didn't have a toilet or a heater. You know, the car I was driving was going to be repossessed. I did not do well in my first year of sobriety.
I had six different jobs. It wasn't easy for me. It wasn't easy.
And I remember thinking, if this is what sobriety is, I don't want it. And if I left five minutes before the miracle happened, man, I would have missed it all. I would have missed it all.
I'm a stepmom to a beautiful child today. You know, it's like I would have missed that. I would have missed it all if when I was sitting in that garage, I thought, "Oh, to hell with this." Sobriety isn't any good.
You just got to hang in there, man. You got to hang in there long enough for the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous to enter your life and your heart, you know, and get busy as soon as possible. Work the steps as fast as you can, man, and go help other people as fast as you can.
Get in here. Get in the middle of the pack. My first sponsor told me, "Pay attention, Robin, because the only reason why God's sparing you is so you could turn around and spare someone else." I didn't like that so much because I didn't think I had anything to offer.
And if I did, I wasn't going to give it to you. You know, that was my idea at the beginning, you know. And um she also told me get in the middle of the pack and keep moving because you can't hit a moving target, you know.
And so I just got busy, man. I made the coffee and I I passed out the chips and I did the literature commitment and I I secretaried meetings and you know, I sat in the committees and I went to the picnics and I went to the potluckss and I went to the dances and I went to Oh, I just got real busy and Alcoholics Anonymous and it saved my life and I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. I am 29 years old.
I've got six years of sobriety and if I live to be a hundred and I stay sober, God willing, well, God's always willing, if I stay out of God's way and I stay sober until I'm a hundred years old, there's no way that if I'm in of service in Alcoholics Anonymous, I could ever repay back what it's already given me. You know, it's like I just I do a little bit and I get so much back in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's not a fair deal.
It's really not fair. But I'm not going to argue with my higher power. It doesn't work.
You know, when I argue with my higher power, it doesn't go over too well. I end up self- will run right and everything's all messed up. So I don't argue I don't argue with my higher power about the gifts I receive and I don't I try not to argue with my higher power about the gifts I don't receive.
I try to just show up where God wants me and do what God wants me to do and keep learning about how to know what that is. The serenity prayer, you know, the wisdom to know the difference. And um I'm so grateful for my sobriety.
I'm so grateful that I that I'm not living that lonely, desperate hole of despair that I once thought life really was. And that wasn't reality at all. The big book says that we can't tell the difference between truth and false.
And the way I was living wasn't reality at all. My perception was so twisted. Reality for me today is the love that I find here, the hope that I find here.
There's hope, man. And if you feel like you just can't go any lower than you've been, well, you might be able to go lower, but there is hope. It doesn't matter how far down the scale you've gone, there's hope.
There's hope for all of us. You know, if you just do a few simple things, get a sponsor, work the steps, go to the meetings, it'll start sounding like Mary had a little lamb. There's no big secret.
There's no big secret. You know, you just do a few simple things and your life gets better. And it's not always perfect.
At a year and a half sober, I was institutionalized for suicidal depression. So, it hasn't always been perfect and it hasn't always been easy, but I wouldn't trade not one second of it, not even having to like go to the bathroom in front of other people because they were afraid I was going to try to kill myself with a plastic toothbrush, you know? I wouldn't trade any of it.
I wouldn't trade not one minute of my journey for what I found in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a design for living that really works. Please keep coming back if you're new.
Thank you for listening. Thank you, Robin. I also have the I've known her husband Fernando for just a few years, but they spent the weekend with us and uh in that short weekend, we got to really know each other.
Uh got to know Fernando and the excitement and enthusiasm he has for Alcoholics Anonymous in the program. uh his eyes sparkle with with his joy and sobriety and and serving others. He's really active over in Cal just like his his wife.
We've really had a tremendous week with him. We've been blessed. Fernando, would you welcome Fernando?
Thank you, Frank. Good evening, everyone. My name is Fernando and I'm a filthy, homeless, smelly alcoholic.
I'm one of the other kind of alcoholics she was talking about. I want to thank first of all thank Frank and Betty for their hospitality uh and inviting us here. It's been a pleasure and an honor.
We got to speak at a noon meeting today and I'm really grateful for that and for the time we got to spend with them. You know, thank you both. you know, we really appreciate and we've thoroughly enjoyed the time we've gotten to spend with both of you and thank you all for being here.
I want to welcome the newcomers. I don't live out here, but I know that uh what I say anybody with any time feels and that we want you here, we need you here and we love you here. You know, we understand in a way that the non-alcoholic cannot understand the magic in a bottle, you know, and uh if you understand that, you're in the right place, you know.
And in uh the magic in the bottle, I chased it in a in a vision for you. It talks about, you know, uh to for most normal folks, drinking is conviviality, friendship, warm feelings, a good time, you know. But for the alcoholic, it's everything.
And they chase it. And the they chase that feeling for years. And I chase that feeling for a long, long time.
I know I don't look like uh I'm old enough to have chased it for a long time. But uh I got sober in my 20s, but I started real young. And you'll hear that in my story.
Uh the most important thing I can share tonight is I haven't had to take a drink or put any other drug in my body to change how I feel since April 28th, 1998. And for that, I'm very grateful. And thank you.
And I can't take credit for one day of that. You know, the credit goes to my sponsor, my home group, and my higher power. I wouldn't be sober without a sponsor.
My sponsor is Armando G, who lives in Stanton, California. Uh, and that's in Orange County, and it's about 5 10 minutes from my house. You know, it's a good idea to pick a sponsor that where there's not too many bars in between you and that sponsor.
You know, I I I've had the opportunity to speak far away places. People come, you want to be my Can you be my sponsor? Um, too many bars between us, son.
I see a lot of people willing here. Why don't you ask them? I wouldn't be uh sober without a home group in and uh this time when Alcoholics Anonymous finally stuck, I heard a really important word which is important as my sponsor in the 12step and that's a home group.
And my home group is a Moe's men's stag meeting on Thursday nights in Fullerton, California at 8:00 PM at Moe's Music in the Back. And if you're ever in Orange County, up in North Orange County in Fullerton, please come visit us. There's a lot of time and a lot of recovery in that meeting.
And I wouldn't be sober have not if I didn't work the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with my sponsor. And and I wouldn't be sober if I did not continue to be willing to work the steps with the newcomer. You know, my book tells me I need the newcomer to recover.
And that's why I am so welcoming and grateful to see newcomers in meetings. I cannot recover without you, you know. And uh whether you stay sober or not, I cannot recover without you.
And you will always be welcome in this room or any other room of Alcoholics Anonymous. Don't let anybody chase you out just cuz you come in smelling like booze. You know, I went to a lot of meetings drunk and nobody kicked me out.
And uh real quick, I want to uh say a little disclaimer. Um, I didn't drive all the way out here from California to tell y'all how to do it. I know y'all don't give a rat's butt how we do it in California.
Frank warned me and uh, you know, and and um, so that's not why I'm here. Uh, I'm here to share just my experience. So, you know, and I can get preachy, I've been told, and or I can sound preachy.
And I'm just sharing my experience. And I'm passionate about Alcoholics Anonymous because what it's done for me and what it's done for the people around me, you know, but most importantly, what it's done for me, that's that's where it means the most to me. And uh you know, if if what I say bothers anybody, you know, um call your sponsor, work it out with them, and if that doesn't work, come back next week.
There'll be a different speaker. >> >> I was born in East Los Angeles uh to um two alcoholics and uh my mother has told me the whole time she was pregnant with me she shot heroin, dropped alasty and drank whiskey. She did not plan on on having being a mother.
You know, they were involved in in uh gangs, my parents, and in drug trafficking and in the Mexican mafia, so that wasn't their plan. But uh being alcoholics and being kind of preoccupied with partying and not being real responsible, she didn't make it to the clinic. So, here I am.
And uh thank God. And uh I don't remember my first drink. Obviously, I was in my mother's womb, but I'm pretty sure I probably enjoyed it based on how much I love to drink after I came out.
And uh my ear I do not remember my first drink. Um my parents made it were always the party was always at our house. So I had plenty of opportunity and seized that opportunity to pick up a drink early while they were talking to their friends and drinking and you know carrying on having a good time.
You know I was sneaking under their noses drinking their drinks. You know cleaning out the cups that were left around the party kind of like Robin was doing at a club. But I was just a little kid and um and uh and I loved the effect produced by alcohol.
The doctor's opinion it says men and women drink essentially because they love the they they enjoy the effect produced by alcohol and though they can admit it's injurious they at after a period of time they cannot differentiate the truth from the false. Now that happened probably by the time I was in the sixth grade you know and and uh I was blessed. I thought it was a blessing.
Maybe it was a curse. I don't know. It doesn't matter.
To have older cousins around me who were two and three and four years older than me who were already, you know, knew about the drinking game and knew where to get booze and what al what in in in Los Angeles in the county of Los Angeles where I grew up, they weren't real careful about checking how old you were. you could look like a 12-year-old and they'd sell you a case of beer. And uh they didn't weren't too concerned about abiding the law.
They just wanted to make a sale. So they knew which uh liquor stores would sell to minors and we'd go there and if you know if they had just been visited by the police and were scared, we you know, we could get an uncle to buy us booze or we could just stand outside and see a drunk walking in or somebody walking in. It was probably a drunk cuz they were the ones that would buy us the booze.
Hey buddy. Got 20 bucks. Can you get us a case and a bottle?
You know, sure. As long as I get a cut, you know. Oh, here you could have a six-pack.
You know, and then we'd take our booze and go our way and he'd go his way. And I loved everything about drinking. To me, people that drank were the coolest.
you know, kids that were into sports and into academics and and into karate and they were dorks. You know, I wanted to be a hoodlum like my like my cousins and uh so that's what I gravitated towards. You know, right away I liked how drinking looked and I definitely liked what drinking did for me.
And and I felt I felt like drinking made me feel how I thought men looked, you know, cuz I always suspected that I was a little weak, scared punk and always felt uncomfortable in my skin. When I took a drink, I was just like my dad, you know, a tough guy. I was just like the guys I saw on the street corner smoking cigarettes, selling drugs, and drinking out of a brown paper bag, you know.
I I had arrived, you know, and and uh excuse me. And um so right away, you know, I'm already a full-blown alcoholic and I'm just a teenager. By the time I was 16, I was puking blood on a regular basis, you know.
And my dad uh he was sober for a while in the church and uh that quit working for him and uh he had been forced to go to AA for a for um for a DUI and uh and they gave him a big book at this meeting and uh he right before he gave me he went to prison, he gave me the big book and said, "I'm not going to need this. I don't need this. I'm not an alcoholic." like two weeks later he went to prison for a DUI and he had a he had uh he was trafficking cocaine so that that kind of sent him away and and but he didn't need the book but okay and uh he went to prison and uh he was sober for a little bit in the church relapsed went to prison and then my mom who was trying to keep a roof over our head and food on the table you know had to get like two three jobs to keep paying the bills So basically I had no supervision.
I didn't have much supervision when he was around anyways cuz they were so involved in their lives. But I really went berserk. And uh when you sit in your room all day every day your junior and senior year of high school and and drinking and you don't show up, they don't give you a diploma.
They didn't give me one. and uh you know and and my my disease is progressing and and I'm starting to come call my mom from from far away places. I'd go to parties with my friends, you know, out in Eagle Rock or or you know, far away places and I would get drunk and belligerent.
my friends would leave me cuz they don't want to hassle with me, you know, cuz uh one time we were coming home from a party and uh we were doing on the on the we were on a really long street in Dime Bar and we were doing like 90 miles hour and my friends I don't know how drunk they were. I was pretty shitfaced and and I just uh got the thought it was necessary to grab the wheel from the driver. I was sitting shock and I grabbed the steering wheel and spun it.
And when you're doing 90 miles per hour, that's not going to turn out pretty good. You know, the car spun and flipped over and glass was flying everywhere and and you know, I'm lucky nobody died. And uh the car landed upside down and slid upside down into uncom incoming traffic coming towards us and and stopped on the other side of the street.
And uh you know, we all were smoking and there was gasoline leaking into the car and and and I came too and I had glass. My mouth was full of glass because the the windshield popped and uh and I crawled out of the car being a you know the unselfish caring person that I was. I smelled gasoline.
I crawled the car and ran ran 10 blocks away and looked at the car and waited for it to blow up. I didn't try to help anybody out. I didn't pull my friends out.
And then when I saw them slowly crawling out, I ran over there laughing hysterically. And uh so after that my friends didn't want to give me a ride home anymore from parties and uh so I would call my mom and uh you know hey I'm in I'm in Walnut and we at this time we had moved to Pomona and Walnut's pretty far away. I need a ride home and I and I sounded drunk and she came once and then after after I was acting berserk in her car, she didn't come pick me up no more.
She drew the line. My dad was in prison, so I knew I could go crazy. And one time I called her and she wouldn't come and get me.
And me and my friend were hitchhiking and these guys picked us up and they they got right around the corner from my house and they pulled a gun on me and my friend and they wanted to rape us and uh and I was drunk and crazy. I'm like, "Go ahead, shoot me, mother." You know, "Go ahead." And they and they I scared them. They're like, "This guy's serious." So, I grabbed my friend and ran out of the car and ran ran at my house, bursted in the door and started breaking stuff in the house.
My mom came out. What's going on? It's your fault.
I almost died. It's your fault. Always blaming everybody else.
You know, bottles are but symptoms for me. You know, selfishness and self-centeredness. Self- will run.
you know, never seeing, never wanted to take responsibility. And uh so my dad called me uh my she told my dad what happened and he was getting sober in prison. And so he had he drew the line and he called me up and he said he called the house and said, "Put the boy on the phone." So I got on the phone.
Well, yeah. What do you want? He said, "You got one day to move out.
My mom told me what you did. You're not going to be doing that while I'm here. and if you don't leave and it happens again, I will break out of this prison and come kill you or not or I will have it done.
And I knew he was the kind of guy that would that could do that. So I left. So I was living I got to, you know, go out in the world, a big man, college or high school dropout, full-blown alcoholic.
So, I did the next best thing and went and lived in my grandparents' garage, put them through hell, stole money from them, put them through the ring or tornado through their lives. But a bad thing happened in my perspective is they passed away and my mom inherited the property. So, guess what?
We know about you. Hit the road, buddy. You can't live in the garage anymore.
We're selling the house anyways. So, I flamoxed around, you know, getting always worse, never better. >> >> And uh when I was just turned 21, two week two weeks after I was 21, um I got a DUI.
Surprise, surprise. You know, I get to drive and first thing I do, boom, DUI. I don't know how it is in Arizona, but in California, they're real uptight about people driving shitfaced.
You really narrow-minded, particularly narrow-minded in California. And uh so I got a DUI and I had to do the deal, you know, and I didn't get a lawyer or nothing. I just they said uh you blew a 2.6 how do you want to plead but back then it was uh 008 in California was the legal limit and I said god I can't get out of this one that's probably sounds kind of like I'm way over the limit.
So I said guilty. So I went to a and I went to the first I looked they gave me a directory you know and I had to they said you want payments for the fine I never paid the fine you know see a probation officer never went to see the dude go to alcohol school I did that I dragged my feet on the other things and when I finally got to a I went to the triangle club in Pomona California it's one of the oldest clubs in California was founded in 1960 and um it was a meeting like this the table I mean and what baffles me about Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, not so much more, but not so much anymore today.
But back then, the readings looked the same. And then when I came back like 5 years later, I'm like, don't they update this stuff? I mean, medicine and science in psychiatry and psychology has made profound advancements.
Why hasn't they why don't they at least update the font, you know? No, but it was the same people, the same a room full of people that look like Frank, longtime members, and I'm not exaggerating. Seriously, and they're saying the same, got to gain a sponsor.
Got to work. I'm like, Jesus Christ. But I didn't know all that yet.
I got to my first meeting in and uh it's and everybody goes around the room, you know, in California. They do introductions around the room. Hi, I'm Pete.
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a alcoholic. I am Sue.
I'm an alcoholic. They got to me and I just said, "Oh, I'm just here on a court card." And uh you know, I'm just here to get my court card signed. And and and it's a disease of perception.
Remember this. The woman at the that was leading the meeting after all the introductions flipped the table over and stood up and pointed at me and screamed at me, you know, you're a full-blown alcoholic. You're a dead man.
You're going to die. That's my introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous. No, but the funny part is is that years later after working the steps, what really happened is she said, you know, welcome to AA.
We're glad you're here. Keep coming back. Even, you know, that's okay.
You don't think you're an alcoholic. Disease of perception. You know, my disease doesn't want me here.
So when people you know that's what I saw and I for years I thought that's that's say hey they're crazy you know and and um you know did my meetings got my core card signed took care of all that you know and then a couple years later ended up in a rehab you know and this time I'm a drug addict you know I go there not they were firing me from the job because I kept no showing and I'd show up four hours late drunk and you know and I know enough to know that if you say you got a problem they can't are you? They got to give you treatment. And I was on a thread and the guy, we had the paperwork, the termination papers, my last check, everything.
And I pee, he went out, he stopped out of the room for a second. I peeked. What?
What does he need to talk to me about? Oh I'm going to get fired. He walks into I got a problem.
Need to go need to go to treatment. And he's like, here's the EAP number. So I call the AP.
I got a problem. Are you an alcoholic? No, not alcoholic.
I'm a drug addict. Like it's got some kind of status. Like it's cool.
Like it was a step up from alcoholic in my mind. So So I go to this treatment center and they and there's an old guy who's one of the counselors. He's got 17 years in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Looks like Frank. Great guy. And I and and I like talking to the guy.
We got along. We clicked love the guy cuz you know one alcoholic the one alcoholic talking to another alcoholic was working already and I didn't even know and I didn't want it but it was still working and it comes around to that you know did you get a sponsor yet I'm looking all right doing interviews putting out applications I'll get to it man you guys quit with that stuff didn't stay sober there you know And after my introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had to try every other way except Alcoholics Anonymous to get and stay sober for eight years. Wandered into Orange County in 1998.
Moved in with a girlfriend. She ran for her life. Left the apartment empty.
I showed up. I was like, I didn't know we were moving. We weren't.
She just didn't tell me. You know, I didn't know how I was going to pay the rent. I knew I'd be on the street again and um you know and and uh I knew it wouldn't work.
I knew in my heart of hearts Alcoholics Anonymous is not going to work. You know, I'd already did Alcoholics Anonymous. And um I went to the home to to this guy, this psychiatrist guy to get drugs who was in the community like mental health or whatever and he told me, "We I can't do nothing for you.
You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous." you know, I'd been seeing him, you know, for a while. And I was like, you know, and I was laying in the fetal position in an empty apartment, knew I had a week to leave. And I prayed to a God I didn't believe in.
Please kill me. Let me die. I was dead and empty and on the inside.
My liver and kidneys were shutting down. I just got out of UCI Medical Center. My immune system was so destroyed, I had mold growing out of my back, in my skin.
you know, uh, I was about 100 pounds less than I am now, you know, and and I thought I was cool. I had piercings all over my face. I'm from LA.
Had a giant bull ring. She saw it, you know. I had a beard, a mohawk that was always floppy.
My clothes were rags, filthy rags were held together by dental floss and punk rock patches. And my shoes were chucked shoe like Converse tennis shoes were held together by by duct tape. If you took the duct tape away, there'd be more duct tape than shoe.
And I hadn't showered. I didn't have to tell people I was new. They could smell I was new.
And I I had there was no friendly direction. No one else to borrow money from, nobody else to bail me out. My parents were My mom was again in recovery.
She didn't want nothing to be do with me. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, a speaker meeting, and no one talked to me.
And to this day, my second sponsor and a lot of people in the clubhouse where I went to said they were scared of me because how I looked and the vibe I put off, you know, and and and and I'm not, you can ask my wife. She knows these people. They were afraid of me.
They wouldn't No one talked to me except these guys in a men's stag. And I knew I needed a sponsor. I heard Jim from the rehab five years earlier.
You got a sponsor? Need a sponsor. That's just mumbling that to myself, walking around like a zombie, one aspirin away from a wet brain.
And I asked the guy to be my sponsor and I haven't had to take a drink since then. I That was my surrender, asking another man to run my life, to be my daddy. That's what I thought it was, and it wasn't.
That's not what it is. He worked the steps with me. You know, I had all these preconceptions.
You know, if you're new, I suggest, it's only a suggestion. Take the words I know out of your vocabulary. The words I know are the disease.
That's its big that was its biggest tool for me. You got to get a sponsor. I know.
D. Mind slam shut. You need to get a home group.
I know. D. Need to go to meetings.
I know. D. Well, if you know, why ain't you doing it?
And uh I also want to say one more thing that uh I learned in eight years that just sitting in a meeting and not drinking no matter what is not the treatment for alcoholism. Today I watch a lot of people in Orange County sit in a lot of meetings and drink. I have sat in a lot of meetings and drank.
You know the the the only way out for me was the 12 steps. I could sit a me I've sat in meetings all day every day in my mid20s and went out and drank. I only got relief from the bottle when I got a sponsor and gotten the book.
Alcoholics Anonymous isn't for those that need it and I needed it for a long time. Alcoholics Anonymous isn't for those that want it. And there was a period of time, a year or two where I wanted it.
Alcoholics Anonymous is for those that do it. And I couldn't get it till I did it. Thank you.
>> >> Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.
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